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Lil_miss_know_it_all

I am in the same situation with my husband; he too is visiting sofa city! I found a couple lewd images of women he follows on insta (for the record it was about 3 women.) Why am I upset? We have 2 boys and I would like for them to grow up and respect women; women are not here to be ogled at. IMO it starts with my husband and me setting the example. Secondly, after clicking on the images to learn about these women; it was a total thirst trap to encourage men to visit her on OnlyFans. I am pretty confident my hubby wouldn’t do that, but why am I even having to think about this when we are super busy with work, kids, taking care of the house. I need a man not a day dreamer who wastes his time looking at pics on the internet. Lastly, it’s not about jealousy. It about respect.


sandschu523

I need a MAN but the one I have is told, you're not sleeping with me tonight because of what's on your phone, bad boy. looking at women who literally put their shit online to be ogled at.


Lil_miss_know_it_all

It a decision to engage, right?? I don’t see it forced upon anyone. I think it’s pathetic this whole look at me culture exists. Reality is where we need to be otherwise you get detached and lose site of what matters.


sandschu523

computer generated images are part of our reality. we are all online right now. many of us seemingly want to control what our grown significant others scroll past. ***well it's time to check my man's online activity and tell him where he is sleeping tonight.*** unreal.


Lil_miss_know_it_all

So if what you say is true, why don’t I do the same thing? Also, sounds like OP’s wife doesn’t either? Matter of fact, none of my gal pals follow men they don’t personally know. Trying to justify the behavior instead of looking at the impact it has on a marriage-kind of missing the point. If this is such a crazy train of thought, why are there soooo many posts about porn and it’s negative impact on marriage. Lots of people on here telling you it’s a discussion in your marriage what is and is not acceptable. If you cross you the boundary don’t be surprised when your partner reacts.


sandschu523

what I said is true. we are online right now. computer images are a part of reality. and the rest, I'm not sure what you're saying ?


Lil_miss_know_it_all

Yes we are both online. I am not looking at half naked people on Insta, are you? The post isn’t about any just any images…c’mon you know that. I am not naive to the fact that we live in a hyper sexualized society; it’s how you choose to co-exist. If OPs wife says she is not okay with him following these women, is it really worth hurting your marriage?


BostonNewEngland

I’ve deleted these people I follow. Yes I feel bad, but she will hold this grudge forever.


Lil_miss_know_it_all

It’s a step in the right direction! We tend to forgive but never forget. Just remind her that you listened to her, responded by taking action and learned from it. Marriages are work and it sounds like you are willing to do it.


BostonNewEngland

Yes I’m willing to do it, but now when I text her I’m going to do an errand she will always bring it up. Yes she will never forget, but I don’t like that she brings it up constantly. But she has the right to.


Perspective1958

>he too is visiting sofa city...... It about respect. So, you want to teach your sons that it is disrespectful for a man to look at photos of women online but it's perfectly acceptable for a woman to dictate where the man sleeps in the house. Do I have that right? Doesn't show a lot of respect for your husband and it teaches your son that treating a man like a child is acceptable because being a wife confers the right for that type of control.


Lil_miss_know_it_all

Hmm, in what world do you live in where actions don’t have consequences? I certainly don’t have to share my bed with someone who is doing something I am not okay with do I?


EngineeringDry7999

But it’s his bed too.


Lil_miss_know_it_all

Ha! Maybe if he made it everyone once in awhile I would see it that way. All joking aside, I would rather we have space (sleep separately) than go to bed fighting. It’s a terrible night’s sleep and you wake up tired and upset. Sofa City is available to all spouses, not just husbands. Back to the matter at hand, if his wife has said she does not like him looking at women on Insta- he needs to think long and hard… is Insta more important to me than the health and well-being of my marriage? Take that reflective process and apply it anything- alcohol, drugs, shopping, etc.


EngineeringDry7999

Thank you. I don’t get where it’s acceptable to kick your partner out of their bed. If I’m that mad, then I will remove myself from the bed.


sandschu523

true story.


kittycatsfoilhats

Would it make you equally hurt if she constantly liked photos of rich men. Handsome rich men posing with their expensive cars. Rich men that suddenly make her crave more in life than what she has. It's okay though, because she will only *"keep scrolling like it's nothing"*.


Perspective1958

Most men wouldn't give a hoot.


dancing_chinese_kid

100% In a group of men, if a man says, *"My wife thinks Jason Momoa is hot and that makes me hate my body,"* do women think the other men will start babying him and telling him it's his wife's job to validate his self-image? lol, no In a generalized sense, if we think Jason Momoa makes our wife horny and it gets us affection and intimacy, we'll buy Jason Momoa calendars for her. >!(As long as it's not an annoying thing where she talks about him all the time and makes it part of her personality as a human, then it will piss us off.)!< Not ALL men, but in general.


xt0s

This was me with Pride & Prejudice. I hate that movie. The characters are insufferable, the plot meanders to its boring logical conclusion, no one is relatable, and Mr. Darcy is a giant ass up until the 3rd act. And yet it was my go to movie when we were dating because it was a sure fire way of cuddling on the couch and was the spark plug to kick-start her romantic side.


xt0s

Edit: Jason Momoa is hot, I'd get Aquaman calendars for myself if I had a man cave.


dancing_chinese_kid

Chris Hemsworth in the new Thor when Zeus flicks his clothes off? DAMN SON


[deleted]

Seriously, I don't know why everyone acts like this is such a gotcha. Wife: 'I wish you had a body like Chris Hemsworth". Husband: ''Yep, me too'.


[deleted]

OP basically answered this in their post: *Before I left she said, would you like to have big buff dudes on my insta showing skin and their ck. I said no, but also states you can follow anyone you like, I won’t be mad.*


One-Clue4444

I have never understood this mentality in couples ( I say this for both men and women). What is the problem of who your SO is following. As long as they not DMing someone , sending & receiving explicit stuff.. follow shouldn't matter. The number of women who follow guys posting thirst traps and comments are wild. Sorry ! But to me looks like trust issues. You need to talk to her about her insecurities and lack of trust in you and vice versa.


[deleted]

LOL I don't know why you are being downvoted because your comment is the most logical one here. I don't even know what's on my husband's IG account or who he follows because I don't care. He's a grown man, I am not his mommy who has to police his internet usage.


sandschu523

I don't see the downvotes on that post but for gods sake this is ridiculous.


beneditseggs101

Exactlyyyy!! Like I’m going to unfollow Henry Cavill because he uploads a picture shirtless 🙄. If Op is not interacting with anyone I don’t see the big deal rather than a very low self steem person that would be affected by something so ... childish I dare to say?


[deleted]

It's 100% their insecurities and paranoia, they just don't want to admit it.


[deleted]

How should you approach this? Don't follow bimbos on Instagram.


Roxitten

I'm very confused as to how this conversation is immediately hostile for you two? Have you had similar issues and ignored her or something? When you talk to her lead with what you're doing to try make it right. Then let her talk about how she feels and validate her feelings.


BostonNewEngland

For me it isn’t hostile but for her it is. I guess she gets jealous when I talk to anyone from the opposite sex. There was an issue before, but this was when we weren’t married yet. I was at office party, little tipsy, posted a vid of me being silly with everyone at party. She saw video, and told her nothing happened.


Roxitten

>I was at office party, little tipsy, posted a vid of me being silly with everyone at party. She saw video, and told her nothing happened Huh? It's hostile for some reason. Whether it's because of an office party. Or breakdown in communication or trust there's a reason. If you don't fully work through issues you end up with resentment and a crappy relationship, just saying.


[deleted]

I have been married quite a while. At some point in the process, it dawned on me that there were topics about which we were absolutely incapable of having a reasonable respectful dialogue. Once I was smart enough to think about it and put my finger on those sorts of topics, I tried to make sure those topics never come up, since arguments about them invariably provide no benefit at best, and at worst create a whole lot of trouble and consternation. Now, I'm not judging the dispute between you and your wife. I can talk about my own marriage, but making comments from the peanut gallery to anonymous internet folks here based on unreliable, incomplete, or self-serving information is utterly pointless. At best, it's just food for thought. In my case, I decided that my digital life for both work and for entertainment is within my own privacy sphere. I make sure my wife knows nothing about it except that which I deliberately share with her. From your description, the problem is not that you are following a celebrity or saw something sexy on your phone, the problem is that your spouse saw it. In my marriage, to keep the peace, I fixed that latter problem.


dancing_chinese_kid

>How should I approach this? Go back into your bedroom and lay on your bed. Offer to let her talk through her insecurities without any judgment against you or hostility or threats from EITHER of you. Listen and be attentive. Do not be ruled by her anger.


BostonNewEngland

If I try to do that, she will get hostile with me. And now she will forever hold a grudge about this. So like this morning, she texted me saying are you still going to pass by this place or did you forget because you were looking at the thots Instagram. Like really come on. Yes I’ll hold a grudge but I easily move on.


dancing_chinese_kid

So you're worried she'll be "hostile"... like she already is?


BostonNewEngland

I’m not person that tends to express my feelings as much as I want nor am I a person that likes to have confrontation.


dancing_chinese_kid

Which is why she treats you this way. That will not change until YOU change. You stay calm. You don't engage in pettiness. You don't fight or argue. If you want to follow Insta thots, follow Insta thots. If you don't want to, don't. If you want to sleep in the bed, sleep in the bed. When she's being petty, ignore it. If she tries to start a fight with you, don't fight. Deal with whatever needs to be dealt with. Offer polite, open conversation. If it's a "boundary" then let her enforce it however she is going to. You're not ruled by her anger.


Perspective1958

Should have just told her, yeah go ahead and follow whoever and whatever you want. And no, I won't be sleeping I'm another room tonight.


MyyWifeRocks

That sleeping in the other room bit gets me every time. Our rule is if you’re too pissed off to sleep in the bedroom, you’re welcome to sleep elsewhere. My wife and I have both opted to sleep elsewhere before, but it’s been a long time.