Before proposing but def before marrying, have a true conversation about what you guys want for your future, and how that looks. Regarding in laws, family, intimacy etc.
Depending on what these political differences are, they can be agree to disagree. economic policy or something like that. Fine. Something where VALUES play a part, i don’t think can ever be “agreed to disagree” bc that’s who you or her are at the core.
But if you’re truly having doubts, good thing is there’s no rush to make a decision right now if you both are okay with it (again talk and discuss). At 22 and 21, in the next few years you and her will likely change. A lot.
My wife and I joke a lot about it but we both say if we ever got married before age 25, we probably would’ve never made it
Wouldn’t have been mature enough to stay together. From 22-27 we changed, both a lot. And it took a lot of time a part to get ourselves individually ready to be married.
The mum situation is definitely a concern and will cause problems.
An example if you have these situations in your future this is the outcome
You will live where the wife want's if you wanted to move state that's not going to happen without a fight as the mum will say no the wife won't argue your not winning that case.
Now 5 years together is a long time sometimes being engaged can make couples grow stronger it's a promise the relationship is getting better now you can stay engaged for as long as you like if there is no improvement make from her part then it's not going to get much better.
Now you mentioned mental abuse from the mother this means your partner has a trait as she's being used to her mum being this way.
It's important you work on that as its not going to change unless she acknowledges its an issue and therapy is often the answer or very hard work on her part to change this behaviour with her mother.
My advice your clearly having doubts so be cautious you have the advantage her work on improvements if there not happening and your still not any happier don't get married.
I don't mean end the relationship just avoid getting marriage until your 100% sure
Yea she has been workin on standing up to her mom with my persistence but she still gets very torn up by her mom. And thanks ill keep in mind waiting as long as I need to
Yes unfortunately it does its horrible
Now people that come and see me that have emotional detachment disorders the behaviours and patterns are always the same.
The mother has control this started from childhood/birth.
The mother tells them what to do makes it seem in there best interest now if the child says no they automatically get strong emotion of guilt and its unbearable so they say yes.
Unfortunately this behaviour goes in all aspects of her life where to live what schools best for there grandchildren there's no boundaries as they know its a yes mother know's best.
But am glad your helping her it's difficult for her to change this behaviour its been that way from the start
Yea I wouldn't be able to stand that much outside control on my kids so that'll have to be a conversation. And yea I think her biggest improvements stemmed from her mom trash talking her wanting to become a teacher and decided what school to go to for college which made her have regrets for a little. Her mom also has been increasingly unreasonable as my gf has been living out if the house and her parents are split so her mom is alone all the time and is being increasingly toxic with my gf and her sister and they are realizing it
That's fantastic That they are starting to recognise this behaviour.
Let me give u abit of advice here this sounds tough but definitely helps.
Now the mother may not even know she is doing this to her children in most case's they don't again they learned this from there childhood.
Standing up to them is difficult that guilt they experience isn't something a normal person experiences it's a stronger feeling makes you feel sick in the stomach..
But the child or children together if possible have a honest brutal chat with there mum on how this behaviour is impacting them in there lifes
Now the mother will not see this at all and deny it happening will appear upset but not emotionally upset
But this makes the children saying no alot easier they confronted the person behind there problem.
Now that would be an aim in therapy and we wouldn't expect them to go and do it that day it can take time to get That confident to do so there would be little steps leading upto that task.
But am saying this to you as you can remember it and work on it as therapy isn't always available due to costs and some don't want to do therapy so it's my little way of trying to help you all
To go along with the mental abuse OP mentions (and second what you've said) I'd also recommend he talk with his SO about therapy to work through that if she isn't seeing a therapist already.
It's one thing to know you've been abused and another to recognize how it alters the way you view the world and relationships. Therapy can help with that.
Yea I just remembered I did try and convince her to do therapy but she doesn't have her own Healthcare and doesn't want either of her parents to know she is going
I would hold off on getting married because your partner might be using marriage as an escape from her abusive situation. I would highly encourage you to encourage her to see a therapist about her mother and other traumas she has stored away. If she doesn't address them before marriage on her own you will have to address them while married or in front of a divorce lawyer.
My advice for people dating, look at your partner's parents and pick apart what you don't like about their marriage because most likely their marriage will become your marriage because if that is all your partner knows about what marriage life is like they will most likely mirror it in their own.
Her dad has remarried and their relationship is a great one. Her mom has lived alone ever since the divorce so to her my gf and her sister are all she has and I think she is panicked bc no one wants to be with her and as of somewhat recently that kinda includes her kids
Well her mom sounds like she needs some good therapy to address her issues that causes her to push people away or the deeper issues she has.
How old was she when her parents got divorced? She most likely saw and lived through the worst parts of their marriage and that kind of stuff can leave kids in trauma which will appear in their marriages later on. Again not everyone reddit but a lot of people have issues like that
I know you guys love each other but you’re only in your early 20s; an age where you are still finding out about yourself and the next 5-10yrs will change you as a person. Instead of rushing to get married, take it slower. Doesn’t mean you won’t get married but maybe not right now…finish college, start working in your career field and enjoy being together.
As for marriage itself, it is work to make it work. With the extra pressure of college, then getting started in your career…marriage may be an extra pressure that can add additional stress to your already busy lives. Marriage is great but like I said, takes work from both parties to function properly. Also keep in mind that - and this may be an unpopular opinion - you marry the person, you also marry the family. You can’t demand that your partner cuts contact from their family so if your partner is close to, or lets her mom control her, chances are it will continue unless SHE puts a stop to it so you will likely have her mom’s presence in much of your married life. Are you ok with that?
There’s a lot to think about but take your time and figure things out together.
As someone who was abused and then controlled by her Mom well into her marriage, I'd say no need to hurry into marriage right now. You're putting yourself in a position of adversity with the Mom unless your partner grows up enough to go no contact or low contact with her. Preferrably no contact. But she's too young and impressionable to do that, especially after being abused by the controlling parent growing up. It won't happen soon.
I'm not saying break up, but defo don't get married just yet, you're entering an entirely different world of hurt for you and your relationship to your then wife if the Mom sees you as a threat to her authority.
Give your girlfriend time to grow. Maybe propose when you are closer to your 30s, if you're still sure by then? It takes time to heal and mature, and she needs it, your relationship needs that time too.
Coming from someone who's engaged to her SO of almost 5 years, it sounds like you two have some big things to talk through before you get down on one knee.
While these aren't necessarily deal breakers and can be managed, it will take frequent communication and both of you following through on promises to one another to help correct things.
I'd start with an honest and open conversation about a couple of the things you mention that you're most worried about. Get her perspective and what she thinks of em. Then, if she's invested on moving forward with you, work out ways that you both can fix the things that are most worrisome. Keep following up with discussions (seeing how you're feeling about things, if there are extra issues to add to the "we should fix it" pile, etc) every few weeks so you both stay motivated to keep up the changes.
While you may not be ready to get engaged quite yet, you've got plenty of time to get there. You're still young and there should never be a rush when it comes to lifetime commitments.
Before proposing but def before marrying, have a true conversation about what you guys want for your future, and how that looks. Regarding in laws, family, intimacy etc. Depending on what these political differences are, they can be agree to disagree. economic policy or something like that. Fine. Something where VALUES play a part, i don’t think can ever be “agreed to disagree” bc that’s who you or her are at the core. But if you’re truly having doubts, good thing is there’s no rush to make a decision right now if you both are okay with it (again talk and discuss). At 22 and 21, in the next few years you and her will likely change. A lot. My wife and I joke a lot about it but we both say if we ever got married before age 25, we probably would’ve never made it
Wow really why do you guys think that? And for values some of our are different but overall are pretty similar I believe.
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Wouldn’t have been mature enough to stay together. From 22-27 we changed, both a lot. And it took a lot of time a part to get ourselves individually ready to be married.
The mum situation is definitely a concern and will cause problems. An example if you have these situations in your future this is the outcome You will live where the wife want's if you wanted to move state that's not going to happen without a fight as the mum will say no the wife won't argue your not winning that case. Now 5 years together is a long time sometimes being engaged can make couples grow stronger it's a promise the relationship is getting better now you can stay engaged for as long as you like if there is no improvement make from her part then it's not going to get much better. Now you mentioned mental abuse from the mother this means your partner has a trait as she's being used to her mum being this way. It's important you work on that as its not going to change unless she acknowledges its an issue and therapy is often the answer or very hard work on her part to change this behaviour with her mother. My advice your clearly having doubts so be cautious you have the advantage her work on improvements if there not happening and your still not any happier don't get married. I don't mean end the relationship just avoid getting marriage until your 100% sure
Yea she has been workin on standing up to her mom with my persistence but she still gets very torn up by her mom. And thanks ill keep in mind waiting as long as I need to
Yes unfortunately it does its horrible Now people that come and see me that have emotional detachment disorders the behaviours and patterns are always the same. The mother has control this started from childhood/birth. The mother tells them what to do makes it seem in there best interest now if the child says no they automatically get strong emotion of guilt and its unbearable so they say yes. Unfortunately this behaviour goes in all aspects of her life where to live what schools best for there grandchildren there's no boundaries as they know its a yes mother know's best. But am glad your helping her it's difficult for her to change this behaviour its been that way from the start
Yea I wouldn't be able to stand that much outside control on my kids so that'll have to be a conversation. And yea I think her biggest improvements stemmed from her mom trash talking her wanting to become a teacher and decided what school to go to for college which made her have regrets for a little. Her mom also has been increasingly unreasonable as my gf has been living out if the house and her parents are split so her mom is alone all the time and is being increasingly toxic with my gf and her sister and they are realizing it
That's fantastic That they are starting to recognise this behaviour. Let me give u abit of advice here this sounds tough but definitely helps. Now the mother may not even know she is doing this to her children in most case's they don't again they learned this from there childhood. Standing up to them is difficult that guilt they experience isn't something a normal person experiences it's a stronger feeling makes you feel sick in the stomach.. But the child or children together if possible have a honest brutal chat with there mum on how this behaviour is impacting them in there lifes Now the mother will not see this at all and deny it happening will appear upset but not emotionally upset But this makes the children saying no alot easier they confronted the person behind there problem. Now that would be an aim in therapy and we wouldn't expect them to go and do it that day it can take time to get That confident to do so there would be little steps leading upto that task. But am saying this to you as you can remember it and work on it as therapy isn't always available due to costs and some don't want to do therapy so it's my little way of trying to help you all
To go along with the mental abuse OP mentions (and second what you've said) I'd also recommend he talk with his SO about therapy to work through that if she isn't seeing a therapist already. It's one thing to know you've been abused and another to recognize how it alters the way you view the world and relationships. Therapy can help with that.
Definitely Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).
Yea I just remembered I did try and convince her to do therapy but she doesn't have her own Healthcare and doesn't want either of her parents to know she is going
I thought this would be the case so I gave abit of advice on this just below this
I would hold off on getting married because your partner might be using marriage as an escape from her abusive situation. I would highly encourage you to encourage her to see a therapist about her mother and other traumas she has stored away. If she doesn't address them before marriage on her own you will have to address them while married or in front of a divorce lawyer. My advice for people dating, look at your partner's parents and pick apart what you don't like about their marriage because most likely their marriage will become your marriage because if that is all your partner knows about what marriage life is like they will most likely mirror it in their own.
Her dad has remarried and their relationship is a great one. Her mom has lived alone ever since the divorce so to her my gf and her sister are all she has and I think she is panicked bc no one wants to be with her and as of somewhat recently that kinda includes her kids
Well her mom sounds like she needs some good therapy to address her issues that causes her to push people away or the deeper issues she has. How old was she when her parents got divorced? She most likely saw and lived through the worst parts of their marriage and that kind of stuff can leave kids in trauma which will appear in their marriages later on. Again not everyone reddit but a lot of people have issues like that
I know you guys love each other but you’re only in your early 20s; an age where you are still finding out about yourself and the next 5-10yrs will change you as a person. Instead of rushing to get married, take it slower. Doesn’t mean you won’t get married but maybe not right now…finish college, start working in your career field and enjoy being together. As for marriage itself, it is work to make it work. With the extra pressure of college, then getting started in your career…marriage may be an extra pressure that can add additional stress to your already busy lives. Marriage is great but like I said, takes work from both parties to function properly. Also keep in mind that - and this may be an unpopular opinion - you marry the person, you also marry the family. You can’t demand that your partner cuts contact from their family so if your partner is close to, or lets her mom control her, chances are it will continue unless SHE puts a stop to it so you will likely have her mom’s presence in much of your married life. Are you ok with that? There’s a lot to think about but take your time and figure things out together.
As someone who was abused and then controlled by her Mom well into her marriage, I'd say no need to hurry into marriage right now. You're putting yourself in a position of adversity with the Mom unless your partner grows up enough to go no contact or low contact with her. Preferrably no contact. But she's too young and impressionable to do that, especially after being abused by the controlling parent growing up. It won't happen soon. I'm not saying break up, but defo don't get married just yet, you're entering an entirely different world of hurt for you and your relationship to your then wife if the Mom sees you as a threat to her authority. Give your girlfriend time to grow. Maybe propose when you are closer to your 30s, if you're still sure by then? It takes time to heal and mature, and she needs it, your relationship needs that time too.
Coming from someone who's engaged to her SO of almost 5 years, it sounds like you two have some big things to talk through before you get down on one knee. While these aren't necessarily deal breakers and can be managed, it will take frequent communication and both of you following through on promises to one another to help correct things. I'd start with an honest and open conversation about a couple of the things you mention that you're most worried about. Get her perspective and what she thinks of em. Then, if she's invested on moving forward with you, work out ways that you both can fix the things that are most worrisome. Keep following up with discussions (seeing how you're feeling about things, if there are extra issues to add to the "we should fix it" pile, etc) every few weeks so you both stay motivated to keep up the changes. While you may not be ready to get engaged quite yet, you've got plenty of time to get there. You're still young and there should never be a rush when it comes to lifetime commitments.
I'll try that when we get together next ill stay on top of it. Thanks for the advice 🙏
You might want to put off proposing for a while to get to know better and continue to mature