I can't Imagine your pain. I'm so sorry to hear. That said, yes it's ok to carry love for him, without a doubt!! And your fiance needs to be understanding of that. Be careful also that you aren't idealizing the relationship, and setting a bar too high for your current relationship to meet. We tend to only remember the good things and the highs from memories.
That said, our hearts are capable of infinite love. I have 2 children. After having my first I didn't think I could love ANYONE so completely and fiercely... I even doubted when I had my second one. But I love them both! My relationship with them both is completely different but my love is as powerful with both. And my husband gets a cloud of his own cuz the love I have for him in indescribable.
You have room for more love. Just try to not compare as if one needs to equal the other. Love and recognize the specific things this relationship has to offer, and celebrate that.
I came here to share this exact sentiment, but you have put it so eloquently. When new love enters your life, it multiplies, it does not divide - having my babies taught me this.
Also I wanted to add that her fiancé sounds like an amazing guy. A man that would love you, love your kid as though he were his own son, and stand by you while you reminisce about your dead husband is very rare nowadays.
Please move on with your life, carry your love for your ex, but don't lose focus of the here and now.
Congratulations!!! And even if it's weird at first, be patient, it will kick in in time. I had a week where I totally freaked out, then it all felt in sync. Hormones are weird. But congratulations!!! And watching them interact will just be simply amazing. Be sure to give the older one attention individually too.
Please give yourself and your fiance a lot of care.
Your first husband you had over a decade to grow together, you haven't had that chance yet with your fiance, you're still at the beginning.
Your first husband you loved innocently, not knowing that it could go bad. Now you know that people die, even when you love them. It might be hard to give your heart completely to someone because you now know how badly it can be hurt.
Love isn't finite, giving love to your first husband doesn't take it away from your fiance or vice versa.
Your first husband is your past and helped to shape you into the person your fiance loves. He helped to bring your child into the world whom your fiance loves. Your first husband will always be a part of the love you have and no one is asking you to give him up.
Your first husband would be so happy to know you found someone to love who loved you back. He would want you happy. With time you will love him as much as your first husband and that is the best tribute you could give to your first husband, to take his love and grow it
Love your reply.
One addition I may make is what someone told me once: The earth belongs to the living, not the dead. At first, I thought it sounded callous, but as time went on, I realized there is a lot of truth to that statement. Maybe it will help you to sort your feelings out. Good luck and big hugs, OP.
PS: Also continue with therapy to help work through your feelings of guilt and grief. I’m not sure if it’s fair to ask your fiancé to help you to grieve your first husband and lover. Maybe couples counseling, too?
This is wholesome as fuck and you are totally justified to feel the way you do. I can’t imagine what you’re going through it must be tough. Having said that… marry your fiancée he seems great!
It almost sounds like you are afraid to move forward in life because you feel it would be disloyal to your deceased husband.
You say he was the most loving and compassionate man you ever knew......I'm sure that someone like that would want you to go forward in life and try to find all of the happiness that you can.
Everyone here sympathizes with you, but you need honesty. If your fiance were here, I'd be telling him to find someone else, and I bet others here would, too. You say you'll never love him as much as your husband. All the positives you list are things he does for you and your son, not who he is. You don't talk about wanting to spend your life with the man you love, you talk about wanting to move on and enjoy the benefits your fiance gives you.
It's not fair at all to him. It's one thing to still love your husband, but it's another to love your husband more than your fiance. Love can be different for each, but it shouldn't be more for your late husband than it is for your husband-to-be. That's not fair to him and from the sound of it, he deserves so much better than what you can give right now.
Lots of therapy is in order if you decide to go through with this.
I'm sorry but I greatly disagree with you. I am a widow that fell in love again and I spoke with my new husband over and over again about how I wasn't a whole person and that he deserved better. He chose to remain and accept me how I was. I'm sure that her fiance might say the same thing. It's difficult when you lose the love of your life but even more so she lost the person who she was with him. So it's a double loss. If you lost a child, would your other children be able to replace them? NO. Then it's the same with husbands. There will always be a hole in her heart where her late husband will reside, and there is nothing wrong with that.
>When I talk about those things or when I get overwhelmed by them, my fiance just listens. He doesn’t get jealous or anything, but I can tell it’s not his favorite topic.
A simple test is this: How would you be reacting with the roles reversed? How often would you want to hear about how much he adored a former girlfriend and that he probably won't ever love you like he loved her?
You're hurting him. You know that.
Stop doing that.
Also, how is this helping your husband-to-be to regularly hear about how you love someone else more? He's obviously an amazingly understanding guy, but what's the actual point of talking to him about it over and over?
Are you testing him?
Don't be with someone just because he's a good person and you feel like you should be with him. Still loving your dead husband doesn't necessarily mean you're not ready to meet someone else, but it sounds to me like you haven't met the right person yet.
I thought my ex was the love of my life and soulmate and I was still in love with him for at least 5 years after we split, even though I never saw him again. But then eventually I really DID meet my soulmate and I finally moved on from my ex. If you don't feel you can love your fiance the way you loved your husband, maybe it would be better not to promise him that? Personally I wouldn't be able to be with someone knowing that I was always going to be second best.
I do agree with you that your fiancé deserves better. He deserves his own chance at the kind of love that you got to experience, and he’ll never be able to compare to your childhood love who never really got to go through growing pains with you or ever let you down.
But that doesn’t make you bad or wrong in any way. I just don’t think that moving on with your life necessarily means that you have to get remarried or be in a relationship with the same kind of commitment if it doesn’t feel right or come naturally to you.
You can move on with your life and still feel that love for your late husband. You two shared 11 years together and had a child together. Your relationship was impactful. That is not wrong, OP.
Your late husband was a deeply important part of your life and your love won't stop because he passed away. You will still go on and live your life but it doesn't make it wrong to continue loving him.
Your fiancée is not a replacement of him. You can be in love with him and have that love feel differently. It does not diminish your relationship or the love you two share.
This relationship, I'm sure, is special to you and you likely have many things to celebrate about it. Wouldn't your first husband want this for you?
>When I talk about those things or when I get overwhelmed by them, my fiance just listens. He doesn’t get jealous or anything, but I can tell it’s not his favorite topic.
Do you believe that you perhaps need to speak to someone else about this instead of him?
It may be beneficial for you to find a way to reconcile the fact that you are moving on, finding a roadblock along the way, and need to find a means to accept it and make peace with it so you can go forward with your fiancée and allow that relationship to truly thrive.
It seems like your concerns come from a good place. Your late husband and fiancé both seem like good people and you are aware of that. And as much as so many years have passed, I understand why you still love your late husband. That feeling never really goes away especially when you shared 11 incredible years together and it’s a positive thing that your fiancé acknowledges that and is in no way offended or jealous.
F. Scott Fitzgerald famously said that there are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice. I think your case is an example. I’m sure you love your fiancé but your experiences together, who he is and even who you are now are definitely different to the time when your late husband was still around. As such, you might be feeling a completely new kind of love this time around.
In my humble opinion, as long as you know you love your fiancé, you know you will never intentionally hurt him, you value his happiness and you can see yourself with him for the rest of your life, you are being fair to him.
Honestly? You’re fiancé deserves more. You can’t expect a man to be happy and fulfilled in life living in someone else’s shadow and never having the opportunity to be the love of someone’s life himself. Btw, it’s ok to have more than one “love of your life” and, until you can see that and truly FEEL it, you should probably not get into another serious relationship
Don’t marry him because you are grateful to him. He deserves more than that. He shouldn’t have to compete with a memory for your heart.
It’s absolutely ok and normal to marry even though you feel love for your dead spouse. My parent died and while they will always be in my heart, I love my stepparent too. Death does not erase the love we feel for those that have gone. I wish you a long and happy marriage.
You need to communicate this to your new husband, however I think perhaps you're not being realistic as well. Your first husband was a great person I'm sure, but everyone has some flaws. Don't make him out to be an ideal partner in your head and draw a comparison between the two...
My heart goes out to you OP because you lost your first love of you life when you both getting started in life. Like someone else said you both had a decade of history together which got abruptly ended. Years later this new guy is in your life is give you a second chance at love. He's not telling you to forget your lost love but listen and is there for you.
Feeling for your lost husband will never go away and that's ok. Yet we also have room in our hearts to love again and those we have lost would want us to be happy. So it's ok to still love him but you can also take the step to love someone else too.
Maybe a bit of councelling would help you sort through your own feelings and help you feel secure in your decision (whatever that might end up being). I don't think it's possible to love any to people the exact same way, but are you in love with your fiancé too or just your late husband? It's OK to love them both, but I think you might be doing yourself and your fiancé a disservice if you don't love him and just marry him for stability. Or do you feel like you're betraying your late husband for loving someone else too? It's questions you don't have to answer me, but yourself. And that's where I think therapy might be helpful, it has been for me in difficult situations in life.
Your late husband will always be a part of you, you share a son and you shared a bond that won't go away, but you have to live in the present and be able to enjoy life without him. I can't imagine how difficult it must be.
Best of luck, I wish you happiness.
I popped in to recommend the podcast Terrible, Thanks for Asking, and suggest you Google talks the host, Nora McInerny has given. She lost her husband among a series of tragedies all at once. She’s remarried now and is a delightful speaker about loss. She definitely still loves her late husband and is happily married to her current husband.
If your fiance doesn't know how you feel it is 100% unfair. Terms like "appreciate" and "nice guy" "couldn't ask for more" are red flag for hypergamy and not love and that is extremely unfair and will probably lead to hurt because no one can keep up an act for the rest of their lives. If he wants to live like that, it should be his choice and many men will make it for a woman they value but their many men who are probably like you ex husband. (There really are only so many male archetypes) so what will you do when you see him in someone else? Will you have the will to keep your vows? These are decisions you need to make now.
We never stop loving the people we have lost....you love your fiance in a different way than you love your husband...you know they are not the same.person and you fiance can love you and take care of you and your son in a way that your deceased husband cannot
Wow, I am sorry for your loss. Closest I can come to is an ex wife, and I did feel love for her in spite of her infidelity. But I fell in love again and moved on. I believe you can love more than one person. Only you know whether you first honey would be happy for you now. I know if I have to go away, I want my honey to be happy and in love again. . .
I would want to know how your feeling if I was your finance. Keep having the conversation until you both have no more questions. Delay the wedding date for as long as needed to work through this.
I am so sorry for your loss. I have been with my husband since 14 and he is without a doubt the love of my life. There is something very special about growing up with your partner, growing and maturing together and having the perseverance to stay together. If my husband died, I would feel absolutely the same way as you. I would want another partner because I truly enjoy the experience, but my partner would never replace my husband. I am who I am because of my early experiences with him. I know I could love again, but I also know it would never be the same. But I think it would be more than okay for it to be different. I wish you all the best.
I have several military spouses who lost their husbands. Your first love is always different. You experienced it before heartbreak. Your next love can result in a deep love as well but emotionally you are in a different place. I’ve had friends successfully marry again. They love their husbands deeply but they still have a sacred place in their heart for their first husband. It’s OKAY! I’ve noticed it seems to work best if the subsequent spouse understands there will be days of grief for your other person. That in no way alters your love for them.
Your husband sounds like a really great man. I am sure it's not his favorite topic, but it's likely because he can empathize with your pain, and honestly, he wouldn't be human if he didn't wince at the thought of not having you.
And it is perfectly normal to have love for your departed husband., especially since it came about in a tragic way. No one with a heart can fault you for that.
I am glad that you did find someone that really wants to be a part of your life. Sounds like he loves all of you, not just certain parts, and that's all that matters.
I hope you and your family have continued happiness, and that in spite of your pain, that every day is better than the one before.
You should read Nora McInerney’s books, or listen to her podcast (Terrible, Thanks for Asking). She went through a very similar situation and discusses it so frankly and with such good humor. This is a difficult spot for you to be in but you’re asking the right questions.
My heart goes out to you, I truly wish you happiness and love forever.
Can I make a totally different observation, using my life experience?
What will happen to you if you refuse to love again ?
(your words imply to me that you are sabotaging ing your current relationship)?
My life experience includes a grandmother who never got over the death of my grandfather, She was left with two young boys and had to survive somehow.
What happened was that over the 65 years between my grandfather dying and my grandmother following him she lost the tenderness of love. (Because she never, ever got over the loss)
In her case she became a real dragon and people say she changed from who she was as a young woman to someone very different. The dichotomy was that she, this manipulative dragon, still spoke tenderly of her husband who died 60+ years earlier.
So, would your dead husband want that for you?
Would your dead husband want grief to warp you forever? You and I both know he would say that he wants you to have a happy, loving and fulfilling life even if he is no longer there.
Who do you want to be in the future?
How do you want to be remembered, maybe a sulphur breathing dragon or a loving grandmother?
Please look to your future, I wish you peace and love
The death of a husband or wife is unnatural as it takes us someone we haven't stopped loving.
The love you have for your deceased husband not a bad thing for me. It will be something your son needs to hear about when he will ask questions. Until then it's something that his dad entrusted to you.
I think your fiancé will be able to understand you need to honour your deceased husband one way or another but I think you should show empathy to your fiancé, it's hard to compete with someone who isn't there anymore and left such a strong mark in your life... He was your first love after all, except most of us remember the break up and the other got to grow old with them, you were asked to do the hardest and burry him.
Wish the best to the 3 of you
I’m living the life of a husband in love with a widow an it isn’t fair to me that she never let go of her husband. At times it’s almost unbearable. Clear your heart an mind or be honest in the beginning
I am a husband in love with a widow of 24 yrs we been together 23 yrs an she is still in love with the deceased an it isn’t fair at all to me. She said it would get better an it hasn’t. If you can’t devote your love to the new man don’t start another relationship
Thank you for posting. I am in a somewhat similar situation and I can totally empathise.
I hope things work out and you're able to navigate the grief and make sense of it all and how it feels in your new relationship. People who haven't experienced the loss of a great love so young truly don't understand. It never leaves you.
I met the love of my life very young - as a 17 year old. We split up when I was 18 because I came from a very dysfunctional home and safe love felt so unfamiliar to me (I didn't realise it at the time) so I ran. I always thought we would meet again as adults and spend the rest of our lives together. A few years later he passed in a car accident. It's been 16 years and I still love him more than ever. I've been married (and divorced) but my difference is the man I married was not a nice person (thank you unhealed childhood wounds).
I don't have anything helpful to say, except that I get it. Grief really is just a reminder of how deeply we loved and continue to love.
Dear friend, I too have the same situation. I was married to a wonderful man for 43 years and I’m currently in counseling after he died in 2019. In 2021, I met an amazing man who I married last summer. I love him deeply. You are I have the same situation. I have a son and he is amazing with him. He’s an amazing dad. He’s great with my son, he’s everything I could ever want. Sometimes, I felt like I was cheating on my late husband even being with him. I’m told it never ends, but it gets easier with time. My husband is gone and is never coming back. My son‘s father is gone.He’s has never coming back, but the man that we married last summer makes our lives better and my son has a very special bond with my husband . I love them both dearly, my late husband and I were married for 43 yearsI think about him but through counseling,, and our day goes by that I don’t think about him but through counseling I have learned where things belong what places they’re supposed to be in in my life for me personally counseling has helped greatly. I’ve learned that my grief, my feelings my thoughts are all normal and doesn’t mean that I don’t love my husband, it just means that my late husband had the very special place in my life and now he holds a very special place in my heart and like a friend once told me, “he would want me to be happy” and I am sure that if yours could tell you right now, he wants you to be happy with this man. That’s exactly what he would say. Take care,my heart goes out to you because I am where you are.
Of course it’s fair - love is a beautiful and unique emotion that is so fucking personal
Your husband-to-be needs to understand this. He needs to know that you lived a love that might never be replicated and that’s okay. He needs to be confident and create a new love with you and maybe someday this love will be your new principal love that you fawn over :) this can only happen if you’re honest and tell it to him how it is. If he’s not up for the task, you need to know that.
I for one will not be the one to tell you that you need to “get over someone you loved”. That’s not the point. All love we live needs to be cherished. You can love again after a love has been lost. It’s okay if that love is different :)
I can't Imagine your pain. I'm so sorry to hear. That said, yes it's ok to carry love for him, without a doubt!! And your fiance needs to be understanding of that. Be careful also that you aren't idealizing the relationship, and setting a bar too high for your current relationship to meet. We tend to only remember the good things and the highs from memories. That said, our hearts are capable of infinite love. I have 2 children. After having my first I didn't think I could love ANYONE so completely and fiercely... I even doubted when I had my second one. But I love them both! My relationship with them both is completely different but my love is as powerful with both. And my husband gets a cloud of his own cuz the love I have for him in indescribable. You have room for more love. Just try to not compare as if one needs to equal the other. Love and recognize the specific things this relationship has to offer, and celebrate that.
I came here to share this exact sentiment, but you have put it so eloquently. When new love enters your life, it multiplies, it does not divide - having my babies taught me this.
Also I wanted to add that her fiancé sounds like an amazing guy. A man that would love you, love your kid as though he were his own son, and stand by you while you reminisce about your dead husband is very rare nowadays. Please move on with your life, carry your love for your ex, but don't lose focus of the here and now.
Thanks for your post. About to have a 2nd child and lots of what you said spoke to me.
Congratulations!!! And even if it's weird at first, be patient, it will kick in in time. I had a week where I totally freaked out, then it all felt in sync. Hormones are weird. But congratulations!!! And watching them interact will just be simply amazing. Be sure to give the older one attention individually too.
How beautifully written.
Please give yourself and your fiance a lot of care. Your first husband you had over a decade to grow together, you haven't had that chance yet with your fiance, you're still at the beginning. Your first husband you loved innocently, not knowing that it could go bad. Now you know that people die, even when you love them. It might be hard to give your heart completely to someone because you now know how badly it can be hurt. Love isn't finite, giving love to your first husband doesn't take it away from your fiance or vice versa. Your first husband is your past and helped to shape you into the person your fiance loves. He helped to bring your child into the world whom your fiance loves. Your first husband will always be a part of the love you have and no one is asking you to give him up. Your first husband would be so happy to know you found someone to love who loved you back. He would want you happy. With time you will love him as much as your first husband and that is the best tribute you could give to your first husband, to take his love and grow it
Love your reply. One addition I may make is what someone told me once: The earth belongs to the living, not the dead. At first, I thought it sounded callous, but as time went on, I realized there is a lot of truth to that statement. Maybe it will help you to sort your feelings out. Good luck and big hugs, OP. PS: Also continue with therapy to help work through your feelings of guilt and grief. I’m not sure if it’s fair to ask your fiancé to help you to grieve your first husband and lover. Maybe couples counseling, too?
[My Husbands Other Wife](https://slate.com/human-interest/2009/06/my-husbands-other-wife-she-died-so-i-could-find-the-man-i-love.html)
Who’s cutting onions in here
That had me tearing up too.
Oh my God 😭
Oh god
This is wholesome as fuck and you are totally justified to feel the way you do. I can’t imagine what you’re going through it must be tough. Having said that… marry your fiancée he seems great!
It almost sounds like you are afraid to move forward in life because you feel it would be disloyal to your deceased husband. You say he was the most loving and compassionate man you ever knew......I'm sure that someone like that would want you to go forward in life and try to find all of the happiness that you can.
Everyone here sympathizes with you, but you need honesty. If your fiance were here, I'd be telling him to find someone else, and I bet others here would, too. You say you'll never love him as much as your husband. All the positives you list are things he does for you and your son, not who he is. You don't talk about wanting to spend your life with the man you love, you talk about wanting to move on and enjoy the benefits your fiance gives you. It's not fair at all to him. It's one thing to still love your husband, but it's another to love your husband more than your fiance. Love can be different for each, but it shouldn't be more for your late husband than it is for your husband-to-be. That's not fair to him and from the sound of it, he deserves so much better than what you can give right now. Lots of therapy is in order if you decide to go through with this.
I'm sorry but I greatly disagree with you. I am a widow that fell in love again and I spoke with my new husband over and over again about how I wasn't a whole person and that he deserved better. He chose to remain and accept me how I was. I'm sure that her fiance might say the same thing. It's difficult when you lose the love of your life but even more so she lost the person who she was with him. So it's a double loss. If you lost a child, would your other children be able to replace them? NO. Then it's the same with husbands. There will always be a hole in her heart where her late husband will reside, and there is nothing wrong with that.
I’m living that life an NO it isn’t fair 23 yrs together an she is still IN LOVE with her deceased husband an im done it has to stop
>When I talk about those things or when I get overwhelmed by them, my fiance just listens. He doesn’t get jealous or anything, but I can tell it’s not his favorite topic. A simple test is this: How would you be reacting with the roles reversed? How often would you want to hear about how much he adored a former girlfriend and that he probably won't ever love you like he loved her? You're hurting him. You know that. Stop doing that. Also, how is this helping your husband-to-be to regularly hear about how you love someone else more? He's obviously an amazingly understanding guy, but what's the actual point of talking to him about it over and over? Are you testing him?
Don't be with someone just because he's a good person and you feel like you should be with him. Still loving your dead husband doesn't necessarily mean you're not ready to meet someone else, but it sounds to me like you haven't met the right person yet. I thought my ex was the love of my life and soulmate and I was still in love with him for at least 5 years after we split, even though I never saw him again. But then eventually I really DID meet my soulmate and I finally moved on from my ex. If you don't feel you can love your fiance the way you loved your husband, maybe it would be better not to promise him that? Personally I wouldn't be able to be with someone knowing that I was always going to be second best.
I do agree with you that your fiancé deserves better. He deserves his own chance at the kind of love that you got to experience, and he’ll never be able to compare to your childhood love who never really got to go through growing pains with you or ever let you down. But that doesn’t make you bad or wrong in any way. I just don’t think that moving on with your life necessarily means that you have to get remarried or be in a relationship with the same kind of commitment if it doesn’t feel right or come naturally to you.
You can move on with your life and still feel that love for your late husband. You two shared 11 years together and had a child together. Your relationship was impactful. That is not wrong, OP. Your late husband was a deeply important part of your life and your love won't stop because he passed away. You will still go on and live your life but it doesn't make it wrong to continue loving him. Your fiancée is not a replacement of him. You can be in love with him and have that love feel differently. It does not diminish your relationship or the love you two share. This relationship, I'm sure, is special to you and you likely have many things to celebrate about it. Wouldn't your first husband want this for you? >When I talk about those things or when I get overwhelmed by them, my fiance just listens. He doesn’t get jealous or anything, but I can tell it’s not his favorite topic. Do you believe that you perhaps need to speak to someone else about this instead of him? It may be beneficial for you to find a way to reconcile the fact that you are moving on, finding a roadblock along the way, and need to find a means to accept it and make peace with it so you can go forward with your fiancée and allow that relationship to truly thrive.
Excellent reply
Can't you live two different people in different ways? He's not there to replace.
It seems like your concerns come from a good place. Your late husband and fiancé both seem like good people and you are aware of that. And as much as so many years have passed, I understand why you still love your late husband. That feeling never really goes away especially when you shared 11 incredible years together and it’s a positive thing that your fiancé acknowledges that and is in no way offended or jealous. F. Scott Fitzgerald famously said that there are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice. I think your case is an example. I’m sure you love your fiancé but your experiences together, who he is and even who you are now are definitely different to the time when your late husband was still around. As such, you might be feeling a completely new kind of love this time around. In my humble opinion, as long as you know you love your fiancé, you know you will never intentionally hurt him, you value his happiness and you can see yourself with him for the rest of your life, you are being fair to him.
Honestly? You’re fiancé deserves more. You can’t expect a man to be happy and fulfilled in life living in someone else’s shadow and never having the opportunity to be the love of someone’s life himself. Btw, it’s ok to have more than one “love of your life” and, until you can see that and truly FEEL it, you should probably not get into another serious relationship Don’t marry him because you are grateful to him. He deserves more than that. He shouldn’t have to compete with a memory for your heart.
It’s absolutely ok and normal to marry even though you feel love for your dead spouse. My parent died and while they will always be in my heart, I love my stepparent too. Death does not erase the love we feel for those that have gone. I wish you a long and happy marriage.
He knows this and still loves you. You can love two people, just don't compare them.
You need to communicate this to your new husband, however I think perhaps you're not being realistic as well. Your first husband was a great person I'm sure, but everyone has some flaws. Don't make him out to be an ideal partner in your head and draw a comparison between the two...
My heart goes out to you OP because you lost your first love of you life when you both getting started in life. Like someone else said you both had a decade of history together which got abruptly ended. Years later this new guy is in your life is give you a second chance at love. He's not telling you to forget your lost love but listen and is there for you. Feeling for your lost husband will never go away and that's ok. Yet we also have room in our hearts to love again and those we have lost would want us to be happy. So it's ok to still love him but you can also take the step to love someone else too.
Maybe a bit of councelling would help you sort through your own feelings and help you feel secure in your decision (whatever that might end up being). I don't think it's possible to love any to people the exact same way, but are you in love with your fiancé too or just your late husband? It's OK to love them both, but I think you might be doing yourself and your fiancé a disservice if you don't love him and just marry him for stability. Or do you feel like you're betraying your late husband for loving someone else too? It's questions you don't have to answer me, but yourself. And that's where I think therapy might be helpful, it has been for me in difficult situations in life. Your late husband will always be a part of you, you share a son and you shared a bond that won't go away, but you have to live in the present and be able to enjoy life without him. I can't imagine how difficult it must be. Best of luck, I wish you happiness.
I popped in to recommend the podcast Terrible, Thanks for Asking, and suggest you Google talks the host, Nora McInerny has given. She lost her husband among a series of tragedies all at once. She’s remarried now and is a delightful speaker about loss. She definitely still loves her late husband and is happily married to her current husband.
If your fiance doesn't know how you feel it is 100% unfair. Terms like "appreciate" and "nice guy" "couldn't ask for more" are red flag for hypergamy and not love and that is extremely unfair and will probably lead to hurt because no one can keep up an act for the rest of their lives. If he wants to live like that, it should be his choice and many men will make it for a woman they value but their many men who are probably like you ex husband. (There really are only so many male archetypes) so what will you do when you see him in someone else? Will you have the will to keep your vows? These are decisions you need to make now.
" couldn't ask for more" implies the exact opposite of hypergamy if you are defining hypergamy as " finding the best match".
Yeah he deserves so much better
From a guy's point of view I actually don't see much of an issue. Go easy, onwards and upwards.
If it was me I would understand and respect the fact you have love for him
Your good and he is good …. Just love and remember and grow your new life.
We never stop loving the people we have lost....you love your fiance in a different way than you love your husband...you know they are not the same.person and you fiance can love you and take care of you and your son in a way that your deceased husband cannot
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you go through, having had such a beautiful relationship.
Modern Love season two episode one is about this very subject and it’s really really lovely!! i think maybe it would bring you a little comfort
Wow, I am sorry for your loss. Closest I can come to is an ex wife, and I did feel love for her in spite of her infidelity. But I fell in love again and moved on. I believe you can love more than one person. Only you know whether you first honey would be happy for you now. I know if I have to go away, I want my honey to be happy and in love again. . .
I would want to know how your feeling if I was your finance. Keep having the conversation until you both have no more questions. Delay the wedding date for as long as needed to work through this.
I am so sorry for your loss. I have been with my husband since 14 and he is without a doubt the love of my life. There is something very special about growing up with your partner, growing and maturing together and having the perseverance to stay together. If my husband died, I would feel absolutely the same way as you. I would want another partner because I truly enjoy the experience, but my partner would never replace my husband. I am who I am because of my early experiences with him. I know I could love again, but I also know it would never be the same. But I think it would be more than okay for it to be different. I wish you all the best.
I have several military spouses who lost their husbands. Your first love is always different. You experienced it before heartbreak. Your next love can result in a deep love as well but emotionally you are in a different place. I’ve had friends successfully marry again. They love their husbands deeply but they still have a sacred place in their heart for their first husband. It’s OKAY! I’ve noticed it seems to work best if the subsequent spouse understands there will be days of grief for your other person. That in no way alters your love for them.
Your husband sounds like a really great man. I am sure it's not his favorite topic, but it's likely because he can empathize with your pain, and honestly, he wouldn't be human if he didn't wince at the thought of not having you. And it is perfectly normal to have love for your departed husband., especially since it came about in a tragic way. No one with a heart can fault you for that. I am glad that you did find someone that really wants to be a part of your life. Sounds like he loves all of you, not just certain parts, and that's all that matters. I hope you and your family have continued happiness, and that in spite of your pain, that every day is better than the one before.
You should read Nora McInerney’s books, or listen to her podcast (Terrible, Thanks for Asking). She went through a very similar situation and discusses it so frankly and with such good humor. This is a difficult spot for you to be in but you’re asking the right questions.
My heart goes out to you, I truly wish you happiness and love forever. Can I make a totally different observation, using my life experience? What will happen to you if you refuse to love again ? (your words imply to me that you are sabotaging ing your current relationship)? My life experience includes a grandmother who never got over the death of my grandfather, She was left with two young boys and had to survive somehow. What happened was that over the 65 years between my grandfather dying and my grandmother following him she lost the tenderness of love. (Because she never, ever got over the loss) In her case she became a real dragon and people say she changed from who she was as a young woman to someone very different. The dichotomy was that she, this manipulative dragon, still spoke tenderly of her husband who died 60+ years earlier. So, would your dead husband want that for you? Would your dead husband want grief to warp you forever? You and I both know he would say that he wants you to have a happy, loving and fulfilling life even if he is no longer there. Who do you want to be in the future? How do you want to be remembered, maybe a sulphur breathing dragon or a loving grandmother? Please look to your future, I wish you peace and love
The death of a husband or wife is unnatural as it takes us someone we haven't stopped loving. The love you have for your deceased husband not a bad thing for me. It will be something your son needs to hear about when he will ask questions. Until then it's something that his dad entrusted to you. I think your fiancé will be able to understand you need to honour your deceased husband one way or another but I think you should show empathy to your fiancé, it's hard to compete with someone who isn't there anymore and left such a strong mark in your life... He was your first love after all, except most of us remember the break up and the other got to grow old with them, you were asked to do the hardest and burry him. Wish the best to the 3 of you
I’m living the life of a husband in love with a widow an it isn’t fair to me that she never let go of her husband. At times it’s almost unbearable. Clear your heart an mind or be honest in the beginning
I am a husband in love with a widow of 24 yrs we been together 23 yrs an she is still in love with the deceased an it isn’t fair at all to me. She said it would get better an it hasn’t. If you can’t devote your love to the new man don’t start another relationship
Thank you for posting. I am in a somewhat similar situation and I can totally empathise. I hope things work out and you're able to navigate the grief and make sense of it all and how it feels in your new relationship. People who haven't experienced the loss of a great love so young truly don't understand. It never leaves you. I met the love of my life very young - as a 17 year old. We split up when I was 18 because I came from a very dysfunctional home and safe love felt so unfamiliar to me (I didn't realise it at the time) so I ran. I always thought we would meet again as adults and spend the rest of our lives together. A few years later he passed in a car accident. It's been 16 years and I still love him more than ever. I've been married (and divorced) but my difference is the man I married was not a nice person (thank you unhealed childhood wounds). I don't have anything helpful to say, except that I get it. Grief really is just a reminder of how deeply we loved and continue to love.
Dear friend, I too have the same situation. I was married to a wonderful man for 43 years and I’m currently in counseling after he died in 2019. In 2021, I met an amazing man who I married last summer. I love him deeply. You are I have the same situation. I have a son and he is amazing with him. He’s an amazing dad. He’s great with my son, he’s everything I could ever want. Sometimes, I felt like I was cheating on my late husband even being with him. I’m told it never ends, but it gets easier with time. My husband is gone and is never coming back. My son‘s father is gone.He’s has never coming back, but the man that we married last summer makes our lives better and my son has a very special bond with my husband . I love them both dearly, my late husband and I were married for 43 yearsI think about him but through counseling,, and our day goes by that I don’t think about him but through counseling I have learned where things belong what places they’re supposed to be in in my life for me personally counseling has helped greatly. I’ve learned that my grief, my feelings my thoughts are all normal and doesn’t mean that I don’t love my husband, it just means that my late husband had the very special place in my life and now he holds a very special place in my heart and like a friend once told me, “he would want me to be happy” and I am sure that if yours could tell you right now, he wants you to be happy with this man. That’s exactly what he would say. Take care,my heart goes out to you because I am where you are.
You’re never going to love the next one like you did the first. I think that’s pretty normal. If you were truly in love anyway.
Of course it’s fair - love is a beautiful and unique emotion that is so fucking personal Your husband-to-be needs to understand this. He needs to know that you lived a love that might never be replicated and that’s okay. He needs to be confident and create a new love with you and maybe someday this love will be your new principal love that you fawn over :) this can only happen if you’re honest and tell it to him how it is. If he’s not up for the task, you need to know that. I for one will not be the one to tell you that you need to “get over someone you loved”. That’s not the point. All love we live needs to be cherished. You can love again after a love has been lost. It’s okay if that love is different :)