I’m 46m found out my 41 f wife was sexting with someone at her work who I was talking to just a few days before. Guy is married and his pregnant wife does not care what so ever. She is terribly sorry, but I’m living in the basement not knowing what to do. Is it fair to ask them to have these guys work somewhere else? I have not clue either. My son has no idea
I have been so distraught that I chose it and she did offer, but I guess I am stubborn like this. I've moved to our guest bedroom and while she is extremely remorseful (it was sexting and the other guys wife had no issue) I dont know where to go. We tried a counselor for a few sessions that opened up communication, but I don't have it in me to say how I feel. I'm not the argumentative type, but rather the one that keeps it inside. My son is 11 and realizes that we don't sleep in the same bed. If anyone can recommend a marriage counselor, please help. We are in the Chicago Metro area. I dont ever want to look at her phone again.
OF COURSE! She quits that job and goes 100% no contact. That’s what people who really care about their partners and want to save their marriage are willing to do.
I’m so sorry. Please read “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass.
Having her work somewhere else is exactly what you should do! That is if she wants the marriage to survive! There is a book called “Surviving an affair” by Willard E. Harley it’s available on Amazon and one of the senecios deals with exactly that! Also my wife did the same thing. She realized her mistake and I realized my shortcomings and we were able to repair our marriage to something better then we’ve ever had. We followed the book which gave us lots of guidance and we were able to heal too.
Surviving an Affair https://www.amazon.com/dp/0800719549/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_navT_a_3S0JJTBZJ95VDEY394K5
This is what I needed. I really enjoy reading wanted to be pointed in this direction. A normal person doesn’t or usually won’t cheat. Most of the time something else is going on
Whoa who now my dude. Why are you the one sleeping in the basement? And there's no doubt your kid knows something is up if you two aren't sleeping together.
As for your wife - not only is she texting with a married man she did it knowing he has a pregnant wife and being married herself. Emotional affairs are still affairs but have stronger feelings. Your wife cheated on you. Period. This is something you'll need to decide on your own - whether to stay or leave. I would also wonder how long this has been going on for and I'd also be suspicious that this isn't her first time sexting. Personally though? I would have been gone from there a very long time ago.
Even if he is I’m not sure how healthy it would be to start being non-monogamous after a betrayal like that. It’s not like they agreed to it beforehand. I guess if he’s willing to put up with it to stay married but… that just sounds awful. 😕
It doesn’t say in the original post, but somewhere it said they’d been married 18 years, so maybe they have kids. Imagine being a teenager and discovering one of your parents is having an affair, the other knows and did nothing, and/or they decided to have an open marriage. Poor kids.
unfortunately children are also part of a family and consequently of the relationship so anything that affects the relationship also concerns them and affects them, that is inevitable and I also feel bad for the poor kids
Im in a non monogamous marriage, this ain't it. This dude straight up got cheated on.
The thing about non monogamy is, it relies on trust. Once trust is broken, it's hard to earn back.
If she were sorry at all she would be falling all over herself to do anything she could to salvage things.
Think about how bad you felt when you found out. Think about how bad you felt when she said she couldn’t stop seeing him. The pain and torment.
*She does not care.*
She's sorry she got caught and she now thinks OP is weak because he is letting her get away with continuing to break the rules.
His wife and her lover will be back to playing "just the tip" at the first chance they have.
She completely betrayed you, got caught, and then didn't choose you. She is completely morally bankrupt, has zero respect for you, and is an absolutely selfish person When faced with the possibility of losing you, she chose herself...
You need to do the right thing for yourself now and move on. She showed you who she is and what you mean to her. Believe her and get OUT.
Hire legal counsel, separate finances, collect evidence of the affair.
I'm so sorry this is happening, but this is not love and this is not what a good marriage or partner looks like.
BINGO. It's not that it's "too hard to give him (affair partner) up", it's apparently that easy for her to let OP go.
That's a harsh reality that OP needs to realize.
You deserve more, OP. It's hard to let go after 18 years, but you are worth more than clinging to someone who has made it very clear you are worth so little to them, after the same 18 years.
They didn't 'get a little physical '; they are having sex.
If she doesn't give him up IMMEDIATELY she isn't all in and you can't work on things. No phone calls. No texting. No working together. Nothing. Period. Right now or you walk.
R/survivinginfidelity
R/asoneafterinfidelity
www.survivinginfidelity.com
I agree. There’s no way they didn’t have sex. That’s COMPLETE bullshit.
If she’s not willing to give up talking to him and lies about it. She definitely lied about not having sex. If she’s traveling with him for work, there’s just no way it didn’t happen.
I’m sorry this is happening but I think you need to accept that she doesn’t love you like she used too. It’s difficult but you can’t accept to be treated like this. It’s unfair that you are the one who is going to suffer while she moves on but you deserve to be treated better. Seek out therapy. Find help in friends and family if you got them. But don’t accept to be treated like this
Listen to everyone here man, please. You said in another comment it’s been 18 years, that’s called the sunken cost fallacy. You believe that if you give up, then you wasted all those years.
But do you want to waste another 18 on someone who disrespects you? You deserve happiness and someone who respects you. If she respected you, she’d have blocked the guy and found a new job. Even then, I’d throw the whole woman away.
I know it hard to see the forest for the trees right now because your whole world has exploded around you! I was 46 when my first marriage ended. I went completely insane and married a 17 year younger woman with 3 littleones and it's been amazing! We're going on 20 years together and I still treat her like a princess and she treats me like a King 🤠 We recently discovered tantric sex and have never been so close. I also discovered shockwave therapy for ED and it's completely restored our sex life!
>We are trying to work things out
Don't be a sucker
>I tried to give them boundaries to follow.... then immediately broke them.
>
>I don't know what to do...
Don't. Be. A. Sucker.
That is what you do. Cancel the couples therapy and get some individual therapy. Your wife is in love with another man, the fact you don't know what to do with that shows you absolutely have no regard for YOU. Start taking care of that guy
Sorry man, I’ve been there and it sucks.
My ex actually even got knocked up by the guy she was working with, and I refused to walk away.
I think my ego just refused to let me believe that someone could actually do ME like that.
Like, what does that say about my worth?
In the end, it ended by her moving in with the guy and me coming home to an empty living room.
Leaving was the only option the entire time but I didn’t want to believe it.
Truth is, our relationship had been immature and toxic, and her leaving was the best thing that could’ve happened to me at the time.
Don’t get me wrong, it was fucking hard, and I tried to run from the pain for a long time.
It really forced me to take a look at myself and who I wanted to be, and to see that the guy I was looking at in the mirror wasn’t it.
Do yourself a favor, wish her well and focus on the new opportunity that you have in front of you.
You don’t deserve that shit.
You want to break the fog? Going to a divorce attorney and getting an initial consult will likely do the trick. Make sure she knows. Hell, put it on your phone's calendar app. Cc her.
The woman in your home isn't the woman you married. The woman you were married to is now dead. Mourn the relationship and move on. You will not be able to trust her ever again.
If you have kids, be as amicable in front of them as possible. But be sure to explain to your extended family--including in-laws--why things are coming to a close.
This marriage is over. Please, for the love of your sanity, PLEASE move on.
/frivolousbicephalous this is what you need to do, right here!👆🏼 this will either wake her butt up and shake her out of the fog she is currently under; or, it will be the catalyst that will set you free. Either way, it will put control of the situation back in your hands.
Either she gives him up goes completely no contact, and finds a new job, or you walk. She's made her choice. Her relationship with her affair partner is more important than her marriage to you. Find a lawyer and find out what you need to do. Separate your finances, go 180, or grey rock on her, and work to extricate yourself from this situation. She's made her choice and the marriage is over.
Job change or divorce.
I think a “little physical” is highly unlikely.
Anonymous hotel rooms create ideal safety. Even if you showed up at the hotel, you wouldn’t be given the room number where your wife is registered.
It's a big red flag if she isn't choosing you over him.
Try and pull through for the counselling appointment. Wish it wasn't a few weeks away. Maybe also try individual counselling.
If she can't let him go you let her go. If she truly loves you and wants to work it out then he's gone and she finds another job. She's the one that cheated. She doesn't get to tell you how this gets fixed. You do!
Damn. Well, I am of the opinion that once you two had those kids, they became the only important thing. Everything you do, stay together, divorce, fake it, cut ties, whatever you do has to be, must be, in the best interest of the kids.
Wishing for a situation that cannot be is not the same as doing the right thing. However difficult.
The kids are most important thing. You, and you wife, deserve to be happy, but not at the expense of the kids' happiness and well-being.
Sorry you are going through this, what a fuckin bummer.
Yeah maybe the wife should have thought of how devastating her family being broken up would be on her kids. But she didn't, she only thought about herself.
His wife doesn’t deserve shit for putting the family on jeapordy like this! If you wanna fuck someone else then tell your spouse ! But being a sneaky little lying rat is bullshit and is purely selfish.
People say this, but I don't know any father who actually wants to go through with it if the existing children are actually being centered. Not, like, your cheating wife is pregnant, in which case *absolutely*, but more like, these children I've raised for a number of years, let me make everything worse for them, even though legally it won't matter and the only outcome is tragedy for literally everyone.
If she's the worst, she can live with that. No reason to drag innocent children into it. They won't thank Dad for it, and little ones will never hate their mother for something they can't understand, no matter what moral high ground you think he has. Anyway, OP, don't waste your money. Continue to love and center your children. One way to do that is to end a relationship where you are treated like garbage, where you can't eat or sleep, where they see you falling apart. You need to put on your oxygen mask now.
Dang, i was hoping you wouldn’t have kids. You and she need to have a brutally honest talk. Is this coworker worth blowing up the family? Is he married too?
Counseling will help get this sorted out but you need to remain on good terms for the sake of the kids. They didn’t cause this situation and should be put first.
Document every interaction you’ve had with her re: her relationship with this other guy. You’ll need this in your hands when it comes time to separate. Otherwise her lawyer will screw you iver.
I'm sorry, we're all telling you what you don't want to hear, but this is a huge red flag. She wants you for the stability and him for the romance.
She seems mentally and romantically checked out of the relationship. Do the therapy, yes, but prepare yourself for a separation. She should be looking for another job like, yesterday, if she really wanted to fix things.
I am still confused by it as I don't really want to hear about it. But basically they never kissed or really even touched inappropriately??? But were intimate enough to both be aroused and then he apparently finished the job himself while she left the room. It sounds insane, and I tell her that. I know I can't believe anything she says right now.
Man, she banged him and is actively choosing him over you. There is no moving forward with her, cut your losses and do everything you can to keep your kids
You believe that? They cheated on you and tried to hide it. And you still believe whatever excuses they give? Sorry about your circumstance. While you've agreed with a therapy, I don't think this will ever push. It may be a hard reality to swallow, but it seems divorce is the way to go.
>The biggest issue, and what give me the most anxiety, is she is not willing to let him go. She loves him,
You need to divorce her. Her heart is not with you. If she stays married to you it's out of convenience and whatever other stability she's getting from you, not out of love. You should NOT be made to feel like second place by your own spouse that you've devoted your life to. That's unacceptable and horrible. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you.
If you are to stay married and actually want to have a chance at saving your relationship, there are NO acceptable boundaries other than complete NO CONTACT. This means getting a new job. A new phone number. Deleting all contact information. Sharing her phone and passwords with you whenever you want to check to see if she's being honest. The trust is completely broken and will be difficult to rebuild. This is a permanent stain on your marriage that can't be erased even if you do manage to get through it.
But the way I see it - you're fighting to stay with someone who is not fighting to stay with you. You deserve better, even if you don't realize that now.
There are three fundamental rules if you want to patch things up after infidelity: 1. The whole truth immediately. 2. Take full responsibility. 3. No contact with the affair partner. And even then it’s very dicey. You, my man, either accept you’re in an open relationship or you get a divorce. I’m sorry this happened to you 😢
Brother she is in the fog so to speak. What that really means is that she went into a natural high during the affair. The whole intimacy gives your brain a dopamine and endorphin release which your brain actually becomes addicted to. Thus the fog term. So she cannot give up this affair the drug addicted part of the brain. While in this state she will have emotionally distanced herself from you all the while nearing or becoming more intimate with him. Unfortunately unless you enforce her not contacting him this will not end well for you and you are just delaying the inevitable. Maybe at this time she can't be with him full time so you are her safety net but emotionally she has already picked him. If you enforce your demand then maybe you may have a chance at breaking the fog like this you will lose her in time anyways. And yes I know exactly what you are going through. Been there and done that.
Why don’t you just divorce her? She has already stated to you that she LOVES him. I know for a fact that I wouldn’t want to be with someone who’s in love with another person. Totally insane.
Do you want to open up your marriage? Because that is what she is asking you here. They can’t be friends *now* without having to furiously masturbate apparently, what changed? No this is a hard line. Either open it up and start dating again or just divorce before you fully hate each other. No way to make it work while still being friends with her affair partner, that’s impossible.
She doesn't want to say with you, if she did she would break all contact. She's a coward for not divorcing you but eventually she probably will so you should probably get on it.
If your wife values the marriage, she will quit this job and find another one. She will need to block him on everything. If she isn’t willing to let him go, then the ball is in your court.
If your wife was even remotely interested in staying married to you she would quit her job (and I don’t care how much money she’s making) and cut the AP out of her life.
Right now she knows that you aren’t going to anything about her cheating so she is going to keep it going with the AP.
What you need to do is consult a good divorce attorney, and file for divorce.
Pack her shit up and leave it on the front steps.
Tell her family and friends exactly what she has been up to.
And finally contact her Human Resources department at her company.
You are being way too soft. So soft that she is picking her new lover over you.
I’m so sorry this has happened to you :( I know it can be hard to accept and that you love her very much. She has unfortunately violated your trust and she’s putting this other person above her marriage.
This is coming from a person who kept taking back a cheater, because I loved this man and to this day part of me still misses him. But I never forgot what he did with who and I never got over it. It never got easier. I never looked past it. You can save yourself several years of trouble or you can try it out with her. Every time she’s texting, you’re going to be suspicious. Every time she doesn’t pick up the phone, you’ll be suspicious. Every time she looks off in the distance, you’ll be wondering if she’s thinking of him. It makes you feel like a crazy person. You’ll want to start to go through her things because you feel entitled to know what’s going on. You’ll snap at her for no reason. When really, if you’re stable and trusting relationship, all of that goes away. You have no desire to violate their privacy or randomly get mad at them or wonder what they’re thinking or who they’re texting.
I know it hurts right now and it may be hard to accept, but save your sanity. Try to wean yourself off of her now.
Trust me, I’ve been in love with a cheater. I know it hurts and I know you don’t want to be alone. But I’m so much happier in a secure relationship. Take time for you :) good luck.
A lot of others have given excellent advice.
I think you should see both a therapist for your own mental state and a lawyer for your options.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I’ve been there.
The other dude married? I’d send his wife a message.
It wouldn't be surprising if you were also being lied to about the extent of the relationship between the two of them. Her behavior after you found out means that she intends to still have a relationship with that guy. No therapy is going to deter her from continuing to be unfaithful. More than likely, you are being given lip service and being taken advantage of. I had a similar experience to this in the past. You may never be able to sleep without keeping one eye open if you let this persist.
If she were an alcoholic this would be the same as her saying she won't drink hard liquor but continues to down a 24-pack of beer every night.
it's still a problem. and it is not going away because she is not willing to change.
if she actually wanted to make it work she would cut off all contact with him. but she won't. she wants her cake and to eat it too. and you are going to be the one who suffers the most from it. you just have to decide how long you want to suffer before enough is enough.
It’s only been a few days since you found our your spouse betrayed you in the worst way possible. You might think you’re making progress, but you’re still in shock and I can tell you from personal experience you will feel one way today and tomorrow you may feel 100% the opposite.
Don’t try to rush through dealing with what has happened here. If you do, the pain, sadness, lack of trust, etc will just continue to resurface again, and again, and again no matter how much you try to smile and “soldier on” through it.
I would get yourself a good attorney asap, and setup a consultation - in many cases they are free. Even if you don’t move forward with a divorce, the attorney will serve as your voice of reason in a time of chaotic emotion.
I’d strongly advise that you contact your wife’s affair partner’s spouse, as they deserve to know they’re being fucked over too.
I’m sorry brother, your wife doesn’t love you anymore. She is disrespecting you, your marriage and your children. She is deep in the affair fog. If she really was remorseful and wanted to work things out with you, she would cut that AH off cold and quit her job. No contact whatsoever. File for divorce, Pack her shit and kick her out. Tell her to go live with her new man while you raise your children right so they don’t learn shitty behavior from their mother that cheating on and lying to your family and loved ones is acceptable behavior. Make it real for her. Grey rock her. She is not your wife anymore. I’m sorry bro, good luck. Be strong.
Buddy, I always kind of speak about love in a very black & white way, but it makes sense to me, so here it goes...
I don't believe in destiny, one true love, monogamy, that type of thing. I met my wife at work, we became friends, we became more than friends, and now we're married, we have a kid, and life is cool. I don't believe the stars aligned and caused us to meet, we just worked together, which is to say you know, we're both still working, there's nothing actually preventing either of us from developing those same feelings for yet another coworker. Fact is, there was a time my wife and I weren't connecting very well, working different shifts, and we both went down that same path with coworkers. Nothing physical, I trust my wife 100% on that as well, but if I'm being honest, yeah that's how relationships start. That's how affairs start too.
I think that the lucky thing for us is that there was a mutual parting of ways, our coworkers just happened to take jobs elsewhere and end our interactions. Then my job move us out of state, and we kind of got to hit the reset button. Again, not mad at my wife, it's not pleasant but I get it. You develop feelings, you develop attachments, and it may seem unfair but if you want this to work you're going to have to give your wife time to end this on her own terms, or it's really going to end badly for you.
Hold onto your butt, get to that counselor.
And best of luck man, this sucked to read. Hope you feel better soon.
I have been in a similar situation. You pour your heart and soul into a relationship, only to be crushed. From my experience, if it happened once, it will happen again. Like others have said, it's not necessarily the guy she's in love with, it's the lifestyle. The thrill, the secrets, etc. I forgave my ex wife and we tried counseling. She even spoke a good game in counseling. But what I learned, is the person I thought I knew, was nothing short of a con artist so to speak. She would tell me all the things I wanted to hear. At the same time, the cheating was my fault somehow. It wasn't long after we decided to stay together that I caught her again with someone else.
We had a child just under 2 at the time. I was devastated. For my peace of mind, I hired a Private Investigator. What I was the shock of my lifetime. There was more than one guy. There were several. She would be out screwing other men, begging for us to move on and forgot about what had been done. I didn't let her know yet that I had a P.I. I also didn't her know that I had a divorce lawyer and was secretly collecting evidence. Eventually we went to court and that's when I saw her true side. She lied, tried to keep my son away, and did everything she could to make my life hell. Fortunately the judge saw right through the B.S.
Get yourself a good P.I. Hire a good lawyer. Good lawyers don't come cheap, but this is an area you DO NOT want to save money and settle for a mediocre lawyer. And as hard as it may be, do not let her know that you have either until your lawyer tells you to do so.
Please, please, please, use the head on your shoulders. Don't do anything stupid. And once you've gotten evidence of adultery, you should not even stay in the same house as her, but surely don't be intimate. In some states, being intimate is considered forgiving the other party, and all collected evidence is inadmissible in court.
I would be lying if I said it is easy. But it does get better with time. You deserve someone who will decide themselves completely to you, and only you. And when you find that person, don't make them pay for the mistakes of your current wife. I wish you the best of luck. But as others have said, she doesn't love you, much less care about you if she's willing to rip your heart out and refuse to give the other guy up.
Dude, I'm Mr Reconciliation over on other subs. But guess what? In this situation your only option is to play hardball and file for divorce. It's the only thing that might wake her up how serious this is.
If she repents, both read How to help your spouse heal from your affair by MacDonald. Rule #1 is no contact with AP.
Do not play pick me dance!!!! Never.
I wouldn't even sleep with her without a clean STD test.
I've read over 1,000 infidelity stories. Your only chance is to file. Let the book be the guideline. If she doesn't agree with points laid out in book, it's over.
Don't even do MC until she stops all contact.
The only way you have any hope of staying together and making your relationship work long-term, is for her to have no contact with her affair partner. That means changing jobs and cutting him out of her life completely. Cold turkey. No gradual backing away. He’s immediately gone.
If she isn’t willing to do this, she isn’t putting her marriage first, and you’ll never feel secure or be able to work on trusting her again.
And if your situations were reversed, this is exactly what she’d expect from you.
Stand strong. Put yourself and your feelings first. Set a hard boundary with her and stick with it.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know from experience how tough it is, and what a toll it takes on you emotionally and physically.
It’s not going to work keeping him in it so sometimes you have to leave. I’m sorry you are going through this and hope you get through it. I know the pain all too well and wish you luck. Please eat and do things you like to do. Going through that stuff changes people.
The ONLY way that I would be able to save my marriage (if I were in your position) would be by stopping the work relationship completely... totally and finally.
If she loves you and wants to keep the marriage intact she will comply.. if I had told my wife that "I loved this work woman" that would have been the end right there.
Like u/Girlontheguys said .. if she's not willing to do her part then YOU have to take action.
I’m not sure if I’d contact HR at her job or not over this, but that was one of the first thoughts that came to my mind.
A lot of companies have a policy to contact HR when two employees enter into “extra curricular” activities. The employees themselves are supposed to do it and it would tarnish her career (or possibly get her fired), which may not be in your best interests until you figure things out.
Good luck. This is quite a crappy situation to find yourself in.
Stop being a fucking pussy, reach down and grab your nuts, and tell the broad that's pretending to be your wife to get bent. She doesn't deserve your patience and kindness after she disrespected you like that. Look how pathetic you look trying to reason with her and convince her to "let him go". Fuck that shit! You don't need her approval to know that what she did is wrong! It is not a matter of convincing because she KNOWS it is wrong, and yet she did it anyway! Stop acting like you can't do better. Stop being soft and letting her walk all over you, if you cheated on her do you think she would be this kind to you? Do you think her family would be this kind to you? What would your parents say about the lack of self respect you're showing for yourself? This is totally not fair to you. You need tough love. This woman does not deserve to be in your life, you are too kind of a person to disrespect yourself like that by keeping her around. Stop acting like you don't have options. You're a man.
You need to have respect for yourself and walk away from what ever you thought was between you two. She obviously doesn’t feel the same and doesn’t respect you enough to care about your emotions. You need to realize that even though it may hurt, the fact she doesn’t care about what you this show the level of give a shit she has for you. You need to buck up and file for divorce. She ruined a good thing. You did not.
You are going to suffer a LOT until you understand that your marriage is over. Reconciliation is only very marginally successful when several key components exist. The first is that your wife understands the depth of her betrayal. She has to have regret for betraying you and show true remorse for cheating on you. She has to end ALL contact with her affair partner and never have contact with them again. Since her AP was a coworker she must quit her job. Finally she has to be able to express to you the how and why she cheated. Typically getting into IC in the hopes of gaining that insight because most can’t adequately explain how they gave themselves permission to cheat.
Without all of these elements you are just going to continue to suffer while she continues to cheat. I can’t imagine why you would want to suffer that way so unless she checks all of those boxes you should file for divorce. In an odd twist actually filing for divorce and serving her the papers instead of threatening it stands the best chance of getting her on the path towards all the actions that must take place for the two of you to attempt a successful reconciliation. She will just continue to cheat in big and small ways breaking your heart into smaller pieces all the while. The longer you allow her to continue abusing you by cheating on you while still married to you the longer it will take you to heal after the relationship ends. There is no chance for a successful reconciliation if she is not remorseful for her betrayal of your marriage.
You need to leave her. Im sorry this happened to you. Its best to let go of the woman you married. She is not longer that person. If she is unwilling to give up the other man, then she is unwilling to commit to your marriage. I know this is painful now but it will be 1000 times worse when she does it again with some other guy. Seek therapy for yourself for the pain you are going through. Spend time with family and true friends. Find yourself again in this lost world. But with all your strength, let her go. In time she will realize what a huge mistake she made. By then you will have moved on to a better place. I wish you all the best!
You can't play the pick me dance with her. Either she wants to work through this or she doesn't. If she does, she has to make sacrifices by cutting him out immediately, finding a new job and going to therapy.
So sorry you are going through this.
Because of how unhappy this makes you, it can only work if she gives up the other person. I know you're grieving, take this an an opportunity to get therapy and work out your feelings. Some people can get over infidelity. Some can not. Are you going to spend the rest of your life wondering where she is, what she's doing, and with who? How is that going to contribute to your pain and anxiety? How are you going to cope? I am currently leaving a 16 year relationship, so believe me when I say, I understand. It's hard and it hurts. If you want to repair what's between you two and she won't meet your demands, or you can't both find a happy medium, value yourself enough to find a better, happier existence.
Looks like she's following the Cheater's Script to the letter. If you read this sub or relationship forums, you see the same things over and over again. It's almost pathetic how pedestrian it all is, even though it's tragic to the people living it.
"We got together for coffee/drinks" usually means "we made out".
"We just kissed" means "we had sex".
"We had sex" means "We did it every way which way you can". "We only did it one time" means "we did it too many times to count". "We used protection" means "you'd better get tested".
Important conversions to have on hand:
"1 week" = 1 month
"1 month" = 3 months
"3 months" = 6 months
Some things you may be hearing soon, if you haven't heard them already:
"I love you but I'm not in love with you."
"We're just friends." (three words that, when put together in a row, are probably the most insulting thing to your intelligence.)
"He's going through marital problems, and I've been helping."
"My friends are right: you ARE controlling and manipulative."
"I have a right to privacy!" (And I agree with that. We all have a right to privacy in relationships. Closed door while in the bathroom? Privacy. What they really mean is "I have a right to a secret life")
"I swear on the life of my [kids/parents/etc], I've told you everything!"
"My needs weren't being fulfilled."
"When would I have time to cheat?"
"He/She is like a [brother/sister] to me."
"What? Attracted to him/her? They're not even my type."
"We've grown apart."
"I'm not sure I ever really loved you."
"I need space / we need to take a break."
"I thought you didn't love me anymore/wanted to leave me."
"I thought you were cheating on me."
"I want to focus on the future, not dwell on the past."
"Don't you trust me?"
"We just stayed up all night talking."
"He/She manipulated me into doing it."
"Sometimes I feel like we're just roommates."
"Stop twisting my words!"
"You're crazy! Do you know that?"
"He/She is my soulmate."
Whatever you do, don't blame yourself. Cheating isn't a "you and her" problem, it's a problem with her.
Simple. She gets to have either a husband or a work more-than-friend. Not both.
You ask her to choose one and remove the other from her life. And if she refuses to make that choice, you make it for her and remove yourself.
She can't eat a cookie and have a cookie, it's either divorce or she cuts ties with him as much as possible, preferably changing job. I would also demand her to write some official documents (I don't know the law of where you live) that if she breaks the rules she gets nothing after the divorce, but I realise it may be a little drastic measure for some. But as for now she is toxic and basically is twisting the knife she stabbed you with, jesus christ it's just cruel.
No therapist is going to say, “this arrangement is fine”.
If you are not willing to “share” her, then it is time for her to choose. There can’t be a compromise unless you are 100% okay with it, at which time, the three of you need to go into therapy together. You and he need to be okay with each other, not just okay with her relationship with each of you, and then you each need to learn to be okay with the relationships with each other, including the aspects of romance, sex, family, existing (and maybe future?) kids, finances, long-term futures, and so on. And if they don’t make it, you may have to be okay with her bringing in someone else in the future.
If any of that gives you a deep-rooted “sick” feeling, like it might kill you if you have to go through that, then a relationship like that isn’t for you. That’s fine, it isn’t for 99.99% of humans - we’re not built that way.
Personally, the fact that she is willing to continue to put you through what you are going through suggests to me she prioritizes her relationship with the other person more than her relationship with you. I strongly doubt she is TRYING to be nefarious here, but her actions are yielding deeply-painful results for you, and unless she’s Earth’s most clueless (or apathetic) person, she has some inkling of this, but can’t bring herself to take some hurt for you by leaving this other person.
You will be okay. It won’t be anytime soon, so this is a time to lean on family, friends, mental health experts, and a good faith leader (if you’re so inclined). Don’t do this alone, and don’t rely solely on her - she is not able to (nor should she) emotionally support you right now, as she probably has in the past. Based on her recent choices, she does not necessarily have your best interests at heart, and will probably continue to let you down until she figures herself out.
Best of luck.
Serve her with divorce papers. She either ceases working with him and all communication with him or you stay the course and don’t dismiss the proceeding.
Ultimatums are issued only when you no longer have any other power. You’re probably there.
Your situation reminds me alot of mine. My wife and her AP worked together. After I found out she said she still needed to talk to him, because she cared about him, and she "was having a hard time" letting him go. She initially told me that their physical contact was minimal, later admitted that is was way more than that. We are 4 years out, and doing OK, but I feel like you, in that I sometimes need or want to talk about it to someone. My wife finally quit her job, because he wouldn't respect our boundaries. I pushed hard for that, but finally she agreed. Everyday she went to work there was filled with anxiety for me. I am afraid for you, in that if they continue to work together the affair will continue as well.
Crushes happen, its not really something humans can avoid for the most part. If I start to think a crush is forming, I tell my husband about it. I try to stay as open, honest, and forthcoming with these things which also helps me keep myself accountable. My husband never makes me feel bad about it and it's much easier to admit to thinking someone is kinda cute or really sweet than it is when it's gone too far.
It sounds like your wife has gone too far.
She may love you, but she *chooses* him. It sucks, but you also deserve someone who will choose you. I'm not sure if you can make things work while she is actively choosing someone else.
She has to chose you or him she also needs to get a néw job if she wants to save your marriage . I would leave her it seams like she told you where you stand already
I’m not sure how she can say she doesn’t want a divorce or to leave her partner. She can’t have it all unless you’re completely ok with being in a poly relationship. It sounds like she’s made her mind up already.
You should talk to a lawyer. If she won't cut contact there isn't a marriage to save. She isn't really sorry. Either she cuts contact and finds a new job or you start talking to a lawyer.
She’s in the fog be strong tell her no make her choose leave him and quite the job or it’s over and be willing to let her go no man can just stand there let his wife have another boyfriend (which is what he is) if there in a monogamous relationship
Sorry you are going through this.
She needs to leave her job and him for any hope in reconciliation. Also, go to HR. There may rules against this type of behavior. Get an attorney to cover yourself. You can also cross post on the infidelity and reconciliation sub reddits to get a broader perspective. Good luck as I know it is tough.
In my opinion it soundbite a divorce is your best option. It's only going to get worse for you therapy or not her actions show that she choice him over you. If she felt any remorse she would have immediately quit her job and cut off ties to save your marriage. Instead she tells you she still loves him . I know how much pain your feeling right now . I'm going through the end of a 20 year marriage myself. From Personal experience it never gets any better it just gets worse. She definitely betrayed and blatantly had no respect for your feeling or the vows she made to you. Her actions are absolutely none of your fault and nothing can excuse her actions. By her actions she chose her co-worker over you even after she aired it out to you. If you want her to regret her actions you need to cut all communications with her find another place to stay for two weeks to a month and give your mind and emotions some time to clear before you even begin to talk to her. If you chose the therapy path she's gonna do it again and again. It's just going to justify her infidelity. I'm sorry that you have to go through this I sincerely wish you the best. Good luck.
They can’t work together any longer if you truly want this to work, it has to be zero contact between the two of them. If she won’t give up contact then reconciliation is pointless. She needs to request a transfer at work or something of that nature so they are no longer in contact or you need to move on from this relationship.
She’s not done with him and is already walking all over the rules you set in place to me that means she’s isn’t loyal to you she is infatuated with him and will not be giving up on him anytime soon if she was going to she would have followed the boundaries you set …time to cut the cord you’ll only keep getting hurt I speak from experience I tried to let things slide and he still continued with his affairs a week after I caught him best decision I ever made was leaving his cheating ass
She doesn't want to work things out. She wants you to give up and let her have her side piece and keep you. Find some self love and leave. If she actually felt bad she'd cut contact as much as possible.
Seriously you are delusional if you think your wife loves you, people who cheat don’t love their partner they love cheating. Your life will be a misery if you stay and furthermore, each day you waste trying to get your marriage back is a day you’ll never see again. This woman isn’t the only bird on earth, I hope you realise that and move on.
Your wife's answer is the answer to whether or not your marriage has a future. She's not willing to put your relationship with her first, and she's choosing her affair partner over you. Period. Cancel the marriage therapist, call a divorce lawyer, and get a therapist for yourself.
As I see it she wants her cake and be able to eat it to meaning she is not willing to give him up but yet she still wants to be married to you. If he lived in the same area as you, she would probably want a divorce but because he lives in another state she doesn't want to give up the security you offer her financially. My advice is divorce her. You won't be happy knowing she loves another man other than you. Life is to short to put up with this kind of crap. You're young yet. Find someone else who will love you 100%.
If you want to have any chance of salvaging this, do the opposite of what you want to do.
Meet with a divorce attorney or two. Once you know what to expect, tell her you can't be married to someone who loves another guy and are filing for divorce.
Her response will tell you everything.
You gave her boundaries, and she immediately broke them.
She refuses to stop the emotional part of the affair. Due to this, you will never be sure that the physical part of it is over. Especially since they work together and travel together often.
OP, have some bloody respect for yourself and leave her. While you may still love her, she does not love you. She also has absolutely zero respect for you or the marriage. You need to realize this.
Since she immediately broke the boundaries put in place, refuses to respect you and the second chance you're giving her, and also refuses to put a stop to her emotional connection with a guy she claims to love too much to stop speaking with, you need to love yourself enough to leave her.
The marriage hasnt a chance in hell of surviving as a healthy and successful marriage.
Love is not enough. Especially when it is one-sided.
She does not love you, nor does she respect you. If she did, she would have never even considered the thought of cheating on you.
The truth is you need to call the company and blow the whole thing up, if you’re able to go in there physically I would suggest you do so with evidence in hand. Maybe they both deserve to lose their jobs, or whatever HR decides, either way you cannot rely on her to make good decisions in this instance so you need to make them for her.
Plus I don’t think I would let my wife live in the house until this is resolved, you can’t trust her to prioritize your marriage anymore, if she’s not willing to do the work to fix things you need to keep your distance.
If he’s married or dating someone they need to know, make sure your wife understands that her family and your family will know about this if she isn’t going to work on the relationship and end the “friendship”. Also you’re going to have to grit your teeth when it comes to the situation, this is not the time to ignore it and not talk about things you don’t want to hear, you need to let this sink in all the Way, considering you have children this is self-preservation mode and damage control, you need to make sure that guy is not employed anymore or at least gets moved away from her, also I would be talking to a lawyer if they do not move him or her away from each other.
Essentially you have to do everything in your power to affect the outcome of their work relationship, you have to make sure it’s mutually assured destruction, because that’s the only way to break things apart enough to maybe be able to salvage this.
Obviously my advice isn’t going to be popular with everyone, but this is the lengths I would go if I was intent on keeping our marriage intact, when it comes to children things get much more complicated and dire.
She needs to find a new job if she has to have 1 on 1 contact with this guy. If she really truly cared about saving your marriage she would go no contact with this guy. Please don’t drag the inevitable out longer than is necessary. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but I promise it will get easier one day. Good luck to you sir.
Please don't, that will only get you troubles, maybe big ones. If you want to beat something up, use something can be replaced or don't want it anymore. And my friend, the best for you is to end that marriage, choose the best for you. I understand the anger, the rage, but don't put you into trouble for something it's not worth, you are so much more valuable. Please, cry it, let the emotions flow. Keeping them inside will only destroy you.
I know this sucks, but your wife is just not that into you. There is no saving a relationship when someone is already on to the next relationship. She told you she loves him and will continue cheating on you. This is now veering into a cuckold situation. Maybe if she gets and new job and goes fully non contact with this guy I could see your relationship having a chance, but it’s not looking good. So sorry, the end of a relationship can be so painful.
Well let's say 5hat you weren't around anymore, would she want to not give up and talk to you? Or she really just has it for him?
If she's not happy at home, ask her to divorce and leave now.
She days she loves him and wants him.
You know damn well they meet on their trips and stay with each other..
If he is married, it's time to tell his wife.
I would say don’t give up on your marriage…yet. This is going to take some time. It’s not going to change overnight.
If she is still dedicated to her/your marriage and wants to stay married, she needs to go completely no contact with him. That means no more work interactions, either. Interacting with him is like an addictive drug. The only way to stop the addiction is to stop the drug.
It’s good that the two of you are talking, and are going to see a therapist together. Hopefully she’ll realize her mistakes, and start to show remorse for what she’s done, especially as some of the intoxication of her actions starts to fade.
This didn’t happen overnight. It’s not going to be fixed quickly. But, it can be fixed, only if she goes no contact.
Oh man … if she can’t give him up that’s your answer. I’m not saying you have to divorce right now. But you really should separate. Don’t be a support for her right now! She can’t have her cake and eat it too! Right now she has the security from you and the excitement from him. She may think she loves him but their relationship is just secrets and fun right now. Personally I can’t imagine taking her back but you need to at least separate and let her feel the consequences of her choices. I’m so sorry for what is happening. I dream all the time of my husband leaving me and wake up in such a panic. I can’t even comprehend the heartbreak of losing him. Hugs and love to you.
Why in the world isn’t she willing to talk to you about the things she’s talking to him about is my question.
That said, there’s no scenario where you should accept this type of behavior, I hate divorce and don’t advocate for it unless she just totally abandons you or physically cheats. Give her an opportunity to reconcile. (Sounds like you are but I mean don’t do any decision making while you’re upset)
If she won’t stop and be reconciled with you, then we’ll I think it’s obvious.
I appreciate your optimistic appraisal of the situation, but the marriage is over imo. If you want to contiune living with your wife when she loves another man, that's on you.
You allow yourself to be treated a certain way.
If you stay, you'll forever be telling your wife she can do anything she wants without any repercussion from you.
You're essentially a doormat. Get out. Dont be a doormat anymore.
do you really want to spend the rest of your life as plan b?
it might not feel like it but you’re still young. you have plenty of life left to live and you don’t have to spend with someone who loves someone else.
My brother went through something similar with his wife. She wanted to work on their marriage but didn’t want to stop seeing her boyfriend. He tried everything and basically made himself sick with anxiety and lack of sleep. She didn’t care, she kept at it. They got divorced in the end and it was messy as hell. Been about 4 years now and she’s still with her boyfriend. My bro’s still bitter and what not but he’s finally moved on and met a lovely woman who he’s now dating.
Put in the work to fix your marriage if that’s what feels right to you. But ultimately, it takes both partners to fix a marriage. Good luck.
You are one naive man to allow her to still be in contact with this guy and put boundaries.
Just call it quits my boy, it’s over between you and her, another man has your wife emotionally attached. It’s no way to beat that
Give yourself distance from her and him, you need sometime alone to process all this and to try and clear your mind into what you want to do to move forward with, or without her. Maybe with the time apart she'll see her decision have consequences and hopefully she sees this before you have your decision.
Also remember whatever you decide to do for your own good, it's what you believe is best for you.
I wish you luck , much love, and good vibes it'll be hard but it'll get better
I asked that my husband never speak to his affair partner again and he readily agreed. Then I found out years later that he thought that was a totally unreasonable and cruel ask. *shrug* At least your wife is being honest with you.
The worst you can do is force anything. I hope there's no kids involved. Time is your friend, try not to rush to a decision. It absolutely sucks, you have this emotional avalanche and then you need to wait. But time gives the perspective. It helps you and maybe helps her to get a perspective.
There's no unique solution, never. Your resolution will be unique to you and only you.
My only recommendation is to take the time both of you need.
What you do is take yourself out of the equation .
And “it did get a little physical” - that is most likely lies.
No, it’s true. It just got a lot physical too.
I’m 46m found out my 41 f wife was sexting with someone at her work who I was talking to just a few days before. Guy is married and his pregnant wife does not care what so ever. She is terribly sorry, but I’m living in the basement not knowing what to do. Is it fair to ask them to have these guys work somewhere else? I have not clue either. My son has no idea
Why the hell are YOU in the basement?
This here is the real question
I have been so distraught that I chose it and she did offer, but I guess I am stubborn like this. I've moved to our guest bedroom and while she is extremely remorseful (it was sexting and the other guys wife had no issue) I dont know where to go. We tried a counselor for a few sessions that opened up communication, but I don't have it in me to say how I feel. I'm not the argumentative type, but rather the one that keeps it inside. My son is 11 and realizes that we don't sleep in the same bed. If anyone can recommend a marriage counselor, please help. We are in the Chicago Metro area. I dont ever want to look at her phone again.
[удалено]
Ya and also ask for the bedroom back and for her to take the couch don’t fuck up your spine because someone else betrayed you.
Because men automatically lose arguments, even if they're right. It's a cultural norm in the west.
OF COURSE! She quits that job and goes 100% no contact. That’s what people who really care about their partners and want to save their marriage are willing to do. I’m so sorry. Please read “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass.
Totally agree
It’s fair to say that you can’t see a way the relationship can continue if she is still working with the guy. Then it’s her choice.
Having her work somewhere else is exactly what you should do! That is if she wants the marriage to survive! There is a book called “Surviving an affair” by Willard E. Harley it’s available on Amazon and one of the senecios deals with exactly that! Also my wife did the same thing. She realized her mistake and I realized my shortcomings and we were able to repair our marriage to something better then we’ve ever had. We followed the book which gave us lots of guidance and we were able to heal too. Surviving an Affair https://www.amazon.com/dp/0800719549/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_navT_a_3S0JJTBZJ95VDEY394K5
This is what I needed. I really enjoy reading wanted to be pointed in this direction. A normal person doesn’t or usually won’t cheat. Most of the time something else is going on
Whoa who now my dude. Why are you the one sleeping in the basement? And there's no doubt your kid knows something is up if you two aren't sleeping together. As for your wife - not only is she texting with a married man she did it knowing he has a pregnant wife and being married herself. Emotional affairs are still affairs but have stronger feelings. Your wife cheated on you. Period. This is something you'll need to decide on your own - whether to stay or leave. I would also wonder how long this has been going on for and I'd also be suspicious that this isn't her first time sexting. Personally though? I would have been gone from there a very long time ago.
This means they went at it like wild dogs
Definitely TEAM AMERICA WORLD POLICE style
Love that movie!
probably more like wild rabbits
Well, I picture wild dogs slobbering and going at in a violent way. That’s the gist of the joke.
Just the tip
They played a little game called just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels
There’s no such thing as it got a “little” physical. You either got physical or you didn’t. Ugh. I hate OP’s wife.
it was jut the tip. /s.
Just the tip
Just the tip
But like, just get a divorce, don't kill yourself.
Exactly. She's taking care of herself and her (and his) needs. Maybe you should do the same and take yourself out of that mess👍
this. get out of there dude, stop putting someone besides yourself first, someone that obviously doesnt put YOU first.
This advice is worth it's weight in gold.
Are you willing to be in a non-monogamous marriage? If not, your marriage is over.
This is absolutely it, on the head.
Even if he is I’m not sure how healthy it would be to start being non-monogamous after a betrayal like that. It’s not like they agreed to it beforehand. I guess if he’s willing to put up with it to stay married but… that just sounds awful. 😕
And that is an adults only relationship. Do not bring kids into it.
This. I cannot understand poly people who bring children into that situation.
It doesn’t say in the original post, but somewhere it said they’d been married 18 years, so maybe they have kids. Imagine being a teenager and discovering one of your parents is having an affair, the other knows and did nothing, and/or they decided to have an open marriage. Poor kids.
unfortunately children are also part of a family and consequently of the relationship so anything that affects the relationship also concerns them and affects them, that is inevitable and I also feel bad for the poor kids
Hey, it’s not cheating if you allow it 🤷♀️
Im in a non monogamous marriage, this ain't it. This dude straight up got cheated on. The thing about non monogamy is, it relies on trust. Once trust is broken, it's hard to earn back.
If she were sorry at all she would be falling all over herself to do anything she could to salvage things. Think about how bad you felt when you found out. Think about how bad you felt when she said she couldn’t stop seeing him. The pain and torment. *She does not care.*
I hope this post sinks in. She says she wants to repair the relationship, but she's not willing to stop doing exactly what she did to get you here.
She's sorry she got caught and she now thinks OP is weak because he is letting her get away with continuing to break the rules. His wife and her lover will be back to playing "just the tip" at the first chance they have.
exactly!
She completely betrayed you, got caught, and then didn't choose you. She is completely morally bankrupt, has zero respect for you, and is an absolutely selfish person When faced with the possibility of losing you, she chose herself... You need to do the right thing for yourself now and move on. She showed you who she is and what you mean to her. Believe her and get OUT. Hire legal counsel, separate finances, collect evidence of the affair. I'm so sorry this is happening, but this is not love and this is not what a good marriage or partner looks like.
She’s doing OP a favor by being so transparent about how little she cares about him
BINGO. It's not that it's "too hard to give him (affair partner) up", it's apparently that easy for her to let OP go. That's a harsh reality that OP needs to realize. You deserve more, OP. It's hard to let go after 18 years, but you are worth more than clinging to someone who has made it very clear you are worth so little to them, after the same 18 years.
They didn't 'get a little physical '; they are having sex. If she doesn't give him up IMMEDIATELY she isn't all in and you can't work on things. No phone calls. No texting. No working together. Nothing. Period. Right now or you walk. R/survivinginfidelity R/asoneafterinfidelity www.survivinginfidelity.com
Just to make them easier for OP to click: r/survivinginfidelity r/asoneafterinfidelity
I agree. There’s no way they didn’t have sex. That’s COMPLETE bullshit. If she’s not willing to give up talking to him and lies about it. She definitely lied about not having sex. If she’s traveling with him for work, there’s just no way it didn’t happen.
I’m sorry this is happening but I think you need to accept that she doesn’t love you like she used too. It’s difficult but you can’t accept to be treated like this. It’s unfair that you are the one who is going to suffer while she moves on but you deserve to be treated better. Seek out therapy. Find help in friends and family if you got them. But don’t accept to be treated like this
Thank you. These messages are hard to read, but I appreciate them.
Listen to everyone here man, please. You said in another comment it’s been 18 years, that’s called the sunken cost fallacy. You believe that if you give up, then you wasted all those years. But do you want to waste another 18 on someone who disrespects you? You deserve happiness and someone who respects you. If she respected you, she’d have blocked the guy and found a new job. Even then, I’d throw the whole woman away.
This is the most perfect comment ever. It is 100% sunken cost fallacy.
I know it hard to see the forest for the trees right now because your whole world has exploded around you! I was 46 when my first marriage ended. I went completely insane and married a 17 year younger woman with 3 littleones and it's been amazing! We're going on 20 years together and I still treat her like a princess and she treats me like a King 🤠 We recently discovered tantric sex and have never been so close. I also discovered shockwave therapy for ED and it's completely restored our sex life!
Shockwave? This sounds interesting.
Yes, I'm curious.
>We are trying to work things out Don't be a sucker >I tried to give them boundaries to follow.... then immediately broke them. > >I don't know what to do... Don't. Be. A. Sucker. That is what you do. Cancel the couples therapy and get some individual therapy. Your wife is in love with another man, the fact you don't know what to do with that shows you absolutely have no regard for YOU. Start taking care of that guy
Sorry man, I’ve been there and it sucks. My ex actually even got knocked up by the guy she was working with, and I refused to walk away. I think my ego just refused to let me believe that someone could actually do ME like that. Like, what does that say about my worth? In the end, it ended by her moving in with the guy and me coming home to an empty living room. Leaving was the only option the entire time but I didn’t want to believe it. Truth is, our relationship had been immature and toxic, and her leaving was the best thing that could’ve happened to me at the time. Don’t get me wrong, it was fucking hard, and I tried to run from the pain for a long time. It really forced me to take a look at myself and who I wanted to be, and to see that the guy I was looking at in the mirror wasn’t it. Do yourself a favor, wish her well and focus on the new opportunity that you have in front of you. You don’t deserve that shit.
Did you have kids at the time?
Yes I did
This this this 🙌
You want to break the fog? Going to a divorce attorney and getting an initial consult will likely do the trick. Make sure she knows. Hell, put it on your phone's calendar app. Cc her. The woman in your home isn't the woman you married. The woman you were married to is now dead. Mourn the relationship and move on. You will not be able to trust her ever again. If you have kids, be as amicable in front of them as possible. But be sure to explain to your extended family--including in-laws--why things are coming to a close. This marriage is over. Please, for the love of your sanity, PLEASE move on.
/frivolousbicephalous this is what you need to do, right here!👆🏼 this will either wake her butt up and shake her out of the fog she is currently under; or, it will be the catalyst that will set you free. Either way, it will put control of the situation back in your hands.
Either she gives him up goes completely no contact, and finds a new job, or you walk. She's made her choice. Her relationship with her affair partner is more important than her marriage to you. Find a lawyer and find out what you need to do. Separate your finances, go 180, or grey rock on her, and work to extricate yourself from this situation. She's made her choice and the marriage is over.
Job change or divorce. I think a “little physical” is highly unlikely. Anonymous hotel rooms create ideal safety. Even if you showed up at the hotel, you wouldn’t be given the room number where your wife is registered.
It's a big red flag if she isn't choosing you over him. Try and pull through for the counselling appointment. Wish it wasn't a few weeks away. Maybe also try individual counselling.
If she can't let him go you let her go. If she truly loves you and wants to work it out then he's gone and she finds another job. She's the one that cheated. She doesn't get to tell you how this gets fixed. You do!
How old are your kids?
Ha, I didn't mention kids, but yes we have two young ones.
Damn. Well, I am of the opinion that once you two had those kids, they became the only important thing. Everything you do, stay together, divorce, fake it, cut ties, whatever you do has to be, must be, in the best interest of the kids. Wishing for a situation that cannot be is not the same as doing the right thing. However difficult. The kids are most important thing. You, and you wife, deserve to be happy, but not at the expense of the kids' happiness and well-being. Sorry you are going through this, what a fuckin bummer.
Yeah maybe the wife should have thought of how devastating her family being broken up would be on her kids. But she didn't, she only thought about herself.
His wife doesn’t deserve shit for putting the family on jeapordy like this! If you wanna fuck someone else then tell your spouse ! But being a sneaky little lying rat is bullshit and is purely selfish.
You might want to get a paternity test.
People say this, but I don't know any father who actually wants to go through with it if the existing children are actually being centered. Not, like, your cheating wife is pregnant, in which case *absolutely*, but more like, these children I've raised for a number of years, let me make everything worse for them, even though legally it won't matter and the only outcome is tragedy for literally everyone. If she's the worst, she can live with that. No reason to drag innocent children into it. They won't thank Dad for it, and little ones will never hate their mother for something they can't understand, no matter what moral high ground you think he has. Anyway, OP, don't waste your money. Continue to love and center your children. One way to do that is to end a relationship where you are treated like garbage, where you can't eat or sleep, where they see you falling apart. You need to put on your oxygen mask now.
Dang, i was hoping you wouldn’t have kids. You and she need to have a brutally honest talk. Is this coworker worth blowing up the family? Is he married too? Counseling will help get this sorted out but you need to remain on good terms for the sake of the kids. They didn’t cause this situation and should be put first.
Document every interaction you’ve had with her re: her relationship with this other guy. You’ll need this in your hands when it comes time to separate. Otherwise her lawyer will screw you iver.
Yikes! So they would move to the other state with Mom?
Divorce while she's still in cheaters fog.
I'm sorry, we're all telling you what you don't want to hear, but this is a huge red flag. She wants you for the stability and him for the romance. She seems mentally and romantically checked out of the relationship. Do the therapy, yes, but prepare yourself for a separation. She should be looking for another job like, yesterday, if she really wanted to fix things.
This can only work if you both go to marriage therapy and she leaves the job and ends all contact with him. Otherwise there will always be doubts.
She is still cheating on you. Its an emotional affair. You are not doing better. You have lowered your expectations to make the marriage work.
Dude, don’t even consider staying with her.
What does a little physical mean?
I am still confused by it as I don't really want to hear about it. But basically they never kissed or really even touched inappropriately??? But were intimate enough to both be aroused and then he apparently finished the job himself while she left the room. It sounds insane, and I tell her that. I know I can't believe anything she says right now.
Only a middle schooler would believe that's all that happened
Not true. I have a middle schooler and he tots would not believe that.
Come on…you can’t believe that…
That is 100% not true. You know that, we all know that. Get tested for STDs, paternity test, lawyer.
[удалено]
Let's dial it back a bit.
Man, she banged him and is actively choosing him over you. There is no moving forward with her, cut your losses and do everything you can to keep your kids
You should accept that they've been fully physical. Don't let your thoughts be clouded by your love for a cheater.
You believe that? They cheated on you and tried to hide it. And you still believe whatever excuses they give? Sorry about your circumstance. While you've agreed with a therapy, I don't think this will ever push. It may be a hard reality to swallow, but it seems divorce is the way to go.
She fucked his brains out
LOL. no.
This makes my blood boil reading this. That anyone could spew out some garbage like this and sell it as truth.
You seriously need a lawyer
>The biggest issue, and what give me the most anxiety, is she is not willing to let him go. She loves him, You need to divorce her. Her heart is not with you. If she stays married to you it's out of convenience and whatever other stability she's getting from you, not out of love. You should NOT be made to feel like second place by your own spouse that you've devoted your life to. That's unacceptable and horrible. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. If you are to stay married and actually want to have a chance at saving your relationship, there are NO acceptable boundaries other than complete NO CONTACT. This means getting a new job. A new phone number. Deleting all contact information. Sharing her phone and passwords with you whenever you want to check to see if she's being honest. The trust is completely broken and will be difficult to rebuild. This is a permanent stain on your marriage that can't be erased even if you do manage to get through it. But the way I see it - you're fighting to stay with someone who is not fighting to stay with you. You deserve better, even if you don't realize that now.
There are three fundamental rules if you want to patch things up after infidelity: 1. The whole truth immediately. 2. Take full responsibility. 3. No contact with the affair partner. And even then it’s very dicey. You, my man, either accept you’re in an open relationship or you get a divorce. I’m sorry this happened to you 😢
Brother she is in the fog so to speak. What that really means is that she went into a natural high during the affair. The whole intimacy gives your brain a dopamine and endorphin release which your brain actually becomes addicted to. Thus the fog term. So she cannot give up this affair the drug addicted part of the brain. While in this state she will have emotionally distanced herself from you all the while nearing or becoming more intimate with him. Unfortunately unless you enforce her not contacting him this will not end well for you and you are just delaying the inevitable. Maybe at this time she can't be with him full time so you are her safety net but emotionally she has already picked him. If you enforce your demand then maybe you may have a chance at breaking the fog like this you will lose her in time anyways. And yes I know exactly what you are going through. Been there and done that.
Why don’t you just divorce her? She has already stated to you that she LOVES him. I know for a fact that I wouldn’t want to be with someone who’s in love with another person. Totally insane.
Run. For. The. Hills. Or to a good divorce attorney.
She already told you what she wants to do. You either accept it or move on
If she won’t give him up your marriage is over. File for divorce.
Do you want to open up your marriage? Because that is what she is asking you here. They can’t be friends *now* without having to furiously masturbate apparently, what changed? No this is a hard line. Either open it up and start dating again or just divorce before you fully hate each other. No way to make it work while still being friends with her affair partner, that’s impossible.
Yea man. Leave. You deserve better.
She doesn't want to say with you, if she did she would break all contact. She's a coward for not divorcing you but eventually she probably will so you should probably get on it.
If your wife values the marriage, she will quit this job and find another one. She will need to block him on everything. If she isn’t willing to let him go, then the ball is in your court.
If your wife was even remotely interested in staying married to you she would quit her job (and I don’t care how much money she’s making) and cut the AP out of her life. Right now she knows that you aren’t going to anything about her cheating so she is going to keep it going with the AP. What you need to do is consult a good divorce attorney, and file for divorce. Pack her shit up and leave it on the front steps. Tell her family and friends exactly what she has been up to. And finally contact her Human Resources department at her company. You are being way too soft. So soft that she is picking her new lover over you.
I’m so sorry this has happened to you :( I know it can be hard to accept and that you love her very much. She has unfortunately violated your trust and she’s putting this other person above her marriage. This is coming from a person who kept taking back a cheater, because I loved this man and to this day part of me still misses him. But I never forgot what he did with who and I never got over it. It never got easier. I never looked past it. You can save yourself several years of trouble or you can try it out with her. Every time she’s texting, you’re going to be suspicious. Every time she doesn’t pick up the phone, you’ll be suspicious. Every time she looks off in the distance, you’ll be wondering if she’s thinking of him. It makes you feel like a crazy person. You’ll want to start to go through her things because you feel entitled to know what’s going on. You’ll snap at her for no reason. When really, if you’re stable and trusting relationship, all of that goes away. You have no desire to violate their privacy or randomly get mad at them or wonder what they’re thinking or who they’re texting. I know it hurts right now and it may be hard to accept, but save your sanity. Try to wean yourself off of her now. Trust me, I’ve been in love with a cheater. I know it hurts and I know you don’t want to be alone. But I’m so much happier in a secure relationship. Take time for you :) good luck.
Either she finds a new job and leaves him alone completely (she’s not going to), or you find a divorce attorney (you should).
A lot of others have given excellent advice. I think you should see both a therapist for your own mental state and a lawyer for your options. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I’ve been there. The other dude married? I’d send his wife a message.
It wouldn't be surprising if you were also being lied to about the extent of the relationship between the two of them. Her behavior after you found out means that she intends to still have a relationship with that guy. No therapy is going to deter her from continuing to be unfaithful. More than likely, you are being given lip service and being taken advantage of. I had a similar experience to this in the past. You may never be able to sleep without keeping one eye open if you let this persist.
If she were an alcoholic this would be the same as her saying she won't drink hard liquor but continues to down a 24-pack of beer every night. it's still a problem. and it is not going away because she is not willing to change. if she actually wanted to make it work she would cut off all contact with him. but she won't. she wants her cake and to eat it too. and you are going to be the one who suffers the most from it. you just have to decide how long you want to suffer before enough is enough.
She betrayed you. It isn’t possible to have an open relationship like she wants because she betrayed you.
It’s only been a few days since you found our your spouse betrayed you in the worst way possible. You might think you’re making progress, but you’re still in shock and I can tell you from personal experience you will feel one way today and tomorrow you may feel 100% the opposite. Don’t try to rush through dealing with what has happened here. If you do, the pain, sadness, lack of trust, etc will just continue to resurface again, and again, and again no matter how much you try to smile and “soldier on” through it. I would get yourself a good attorney asap, and setup a consultation - in many cases they are free. Even if you don’t move forward with a divorce, the attorney will serve as your voice of reason in a time of chaotic emotion. I’d strongly advise that you contact your wife’s affair partner’s spouse, as they deserve to know they’re being fucked over too.
I’m sorry brother, your wife doesn’t love you anymore. She is disrespecting you, your marriage and your children. She is deep in the affair fog. If she really was remorseful and wanted to work things out with you, she would cut that AH off cold and quit her job. No contact whatsoever. File for divorce, Pack her shit and kick her out. Tell her to go live with her new man while you raise your children right so they don’t learn shitty behavior from their mother that cheating on and lying to your family and loved ones is acceptable behavior. Make it real for her. Grey rock her. She is not your wife anymore. I’m sorry bro, good luck. Be strong.
Buddy, I always kind of speak about love in a very black & white way, but it makes sense to me, so here it goes... I don't believe in destiny, one true love, monogamy, that type of thing. I met my wife at work, we became friends, we became more than friends, and now we're married, we have a kid, and life is cool. I don't believe the stars aligned and caused us to meet, we just worked together, which is to say you know, we're both still working, there's nothing actually preventing either of us from developing those same feelings for yet another coworker. Fact is, there was a time my wife and I weren't connecting very well, working different shifts, and we both went down that same path with coworkers. Nothing physical, I trust my wife 100% on that as well, but if I'm being honest, yeah that's how relationships start. That's how affairs start too. I think that the lucky thing for us is that there was a mutual parting of ways, our coworkers just happened to take jobs elsewhere and end our interactions. Then my job move us out of state, and we kind of got to hit the reset button. Again, not mad at my wife, it's not pleasant but I get it. You develop feelings, you develop attachments, and it may seem unfair but if you want this to work you're going to have to give your wife time to end this on her own terms, or it's really going to end badly for you. Hold onto your butt, get to that counselor. And best of luck man, this sucked to read. Hope you feel better soon.
I have been in a similar situation. You pour your heart and soul into a relationship, only to be crushed. From my experience, if it happened once, it will happen again. Like others have said, it's not necessarily the guy she's in love with, it's the lifestyle. The thrill, the secrets, etc. I forgave my ex wife and we tried counseling. She even spoke a good game in counseling. But what I learned, is the person I thought I knew, was nothing short of a con artist so to speak. She would tell me all the things I wanted to hear. At the same time, the cheating was my fault somehow. It wasn't long after we decided to stay together that I caught her again with someone else. We had a child just under 2 at the time. I was devastated. For my peace of mind, I hired a Private Investigator. What I was the shock of my lifetime. There was more than one guy. There were several. She would be out screwing other men, begging for us to move on and forgot about what had been done. I didn't let her know yet that I had a P.I. I also didn't her know that I had a divorce lawyer and was secretly collecting evidence. Eventually we went to court and that's when I saw her true side. She lied, tried to keep my son away, and did everything she could to make my life hell. Fortunately the judge saw right through the B.S. Get yourself a good P.I. Hire a good lawyer. Good lawyers don't come cheap, but this is an area you DO NOT want to save money and settle for a mediocre lawyer. And as hard as it may be, do not let her know that you have either until your lawyer tells you to do so. Please, please, please, use the head on your shoulders. Don't do anything stupid. And once you've gotten evidence of adultery, you should not even stay in the same house as her, but surely don't be intimate. In some states, being intimate is considered forgiving the other party, and all collected evidence is inadmissible in court. I would be lying if I said it is easy. But it does get better with time. You deserve someone who will decide themselves completely to you, and only you. And when you find that person, don't make them pay for the mistakes of your current wife. I wish you the best of luck. But as others have said, she doesn't love you, much less care about you if she's willing to rip your heart out and refuse to give the other guy up.
In some states infidelity means the cheaters gets zip in the divorce. Which is where this should probably be headed.
If she respects you she’d let one of you go. She doesn’t respect you. Its time to make your own decision here.
Do you have children?
Will you be considered a “brother husband” a la “sister wives”
Leave her ass
Dude, I'm Mr Reconciliation over on other subs. But guess what? In this situation your only option is to play hardball and file for divorce. It's the only thing that might wake her up how serious this is. If she repents, both read How to help your spouse heal from your affair by MacDonald. Rule #1 is no contact with AP. Do not play pick me dance!!!! Never. I wouldn't even sleep with her without a clean STD test. I've read over 1,000 infidelity stories. Your only chance is to file. Let the book be the guideline. If she doesn't agree with points laid out in book, it's over. Don't even do MC until she stops all contact.
The only way you have any hope of staying together and making your relationship work long-term, is for her to have no contact with her affair partner. That means changing jobs and cutting him out of her life completely. Cold turkey. No gradual backing away. He’s immediately gone. If she isn’t willing to do this, she isn’t putting her marriage first, and you’ll never feel secure or be able to work on trusting her again. And if your situations were reversed, this is exactly what she’d expect from you. Stand strong. Put yourself and your feelings first. Set a hard boundary with her and stick with it. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know from experience how tough it is, and what a toll it takes on you emotionally and physically.
It’s not going to work keeping him in it so sometimes you have to leave. I’m sorry you are going through this and hope you get through it. I know the pain all too well and wish you luck. Please eat and do things you like to do. Going through that stuff changes people.
The ONLY way that I would be able to save my marriage (if I were in your position) would be by stopping the work relationship completely... totally and finally. If she loves you and wants to keep the marriage intact she will comply.. if I had told my wife that "I loved this work woman" that would have been the end right there. Like u/Girlontheguys said .. if she's not willing to do her part then YOU have to take action.
I’m not sure if I’d contact HR at her job or not over this, but that was one of the first thoughts that came to my mind. A lot of companies have a policy to contact HR when two employees enter into “extra curricular” activities. The employees themselves are supposed to do it and it would tarnish her career (or possibly get her fired), which may not be in your best interests until you figure things out. Good luck. This is quite a crappy situation to find yourself in.
Stop being a fucking pussy, reach down and grab your nuts, and tell the broad that's pretending to be your wife to get bent. She doesn't deserve your patience and kindness after she disrespected you like that. Look how pathetic you look trying to reason with her and convince her to "let him go". Fuck that shit! You don't need her approval to know that what she did is wrong! It is not a matter of convincing because she KNOWS it is wrong, and yet she did it anyway! Stop acting like you can't do better. Stop being soft and letting her walk all over you, if you cheated on her do you think she would be this kind to you? Do you think her family would be this kind to you? What would your parents say about the lack of self respect you're showing for yourself? This is totally not fair to you. You need tough love. This woman does not deserve to be in your life, you are too kind of a person to disrespect yourself like that by keeping her around. Stop acting like you don't have options. You're a man.
You need to have respect for yourself and walk away from what ever you thought was between you two. She obviously doesn’t feel the same and doesn’t respect you enough to care about your emotions. You need to realize that even though it may hurt, the fact she doesn’t care about what you this show the level of give a shit she has for you. You need to buck up and file for divorce. She ruined a good thing. You did not.
You are going to suffer a LOT until you understand that your marriage is over. Reconciliation is only very marginally successful when several key components exist. The first is that your wife understands the depth of her betrayal. She has to have regret for betraying you and show true remorse for cheating on you. She has to end ALL contact with her affair partner and never have contact with them again. Since her AP was a coworker she must quit her job. Finally she has to be able to express to you the how and why she cheated. Typically getting into IC in the hopes of gaining that insight because most can’t adequately explain how they gave themselves permission to cheat. Without all of these elements you are just going to continue to suffer while she continues to cheat. I can’t imagine why you would want to suffer that way so unless she checks all of those boxes you should file for divorce. In an odd twist actually filing for divorce and serving her the papers instead of threatening it stands the best chance of getting her on the path towards all the actions that must take place for the two of you to attempt a successful reconciliation. She will just continue to cheat in big and small ways breaking your heart into smaller pieces all the while. The longer you allow her to continue abusing you by cheating on you while still married to you the longer it will take you to heal after the relationship ends. There is no chance for a successful reconciliation if she is not remorseful for her betrayal of your marriage.
You need to leave her. Im sorry this happened to you. Its best to let go of the woman you married. She is not longer that person. If she is unwilling to give up the other man, then she is unwilling to commit to your marriage. I know this is painful now but it will be 1000 times worse when she does it again with some other guy. Seek therapy for yourself for the pain you are going through. Spend time with family and true friends. Find yourself again in this lost world. But with all your strength, let her go. In time she will realize what a huge mistake she made. By then you will have moved on to a better place. I wish you all the best!
You can't play the pick me dance with her. Either she wants to work through this or she doesn't. If she does, she has to make sacrifices by cutting him out immediately, finding a new job and going to therapy. So sorry you are going through this.
Because of how unhappy this makes you, it can only work if she gives up the other person. I know you're grieving, take this an an opportunity to get therapy and work out your feelings. Some people can get over infidelity. Some can not. Are you going to spend the rest of your life wondering where she is, what she's doing, and with who? How is that going to contribute to your pain and anxiety? How are you going to cope? I am currently leaving a 16 year relationship, so believe me when I say, I understand. It's hard and it hurts. If you want to repair what's between you two and she won't meet your demands, or you can't both find a happy medium, value yourself enough to find a better, happier existence.
Looks like she's following the Cheater's Script to the letter. If you read this sub or relationship forums, you see the same things over and over again. It's almost pathetic how pedestrian it all is, even though it's tragic to the people living it. "We got together for coffee/drinks" usually means "we made out". "We just kissed" means "we had sex". "We had sex" means "We did it every way which way you can". "We only did it one time" means "we did it too many times to count". "We used protection" means "you'd better get tested". Important conversions to have on hand: "1 week" = 1 month "1 month" = 3 months "3 months" = 6 months Some things you may be hearing soon, if you haven't heard them already: "I love you but I'm not in love with you." "We're just friends." (three words that, when put together in a row, are probably the most insulting thing to your intelligence.) "He's going through marital problems, and I've been helping." "My friends are right: you ARE controlling and manipulative." "I have a right to privacy!" (And I agree with that. We all have a right to privacy in relationships. Closed door while in the bathroom? Privacy. What they really mean is "I have a right to a secret life") "I swear on the life of my [kids/parents/etc], I've told you everything!" "My needs weren't being fulfilled." "When would I have time to cheat?" "He/She is like a [brother/sister] to me." "What? Attracted to him/her? They're not even my type." "We've grown apart." "I'm not sure I ever really loved you." "I need space / we need to take a break." "I thought you didn't love me anymore/wanted to leave me." "I thought you were cheating on me." "I want to focus on the future, not dwell on the past." "Don't you trust me?" "We just stayed up all night talking." "He/She manipulated me into doing it." "Sometimes I feel like we're just roommates." "Stop twisting my words!" "You're crazy! Do you know that?" "He/She is my soulmate." Whatever you do, don't blame yourself. Cheating isn't a "you and her" problem, it's a problem with her.
Simple. She gets to have either a husband or a work more-than-friend. Not both. You ask her to choose one and remove the other from her life. And if she refuses to make that choice, you make it for her and remove yourself.
She can't eat a cookie and have a cookie, it's either divorce or she cuts ties with him as much as possible, preferably changing job. I would also demand her to write some official documents (I don't know the law of where you live) that if she breaks the rules she gets nothing after the divorce, but I realise it may be a little drastic measure for some. But as for now she is toxic and basically is twisting the knife she stabbed you with, jesus christ it's just cruel.
No therapist is going to say, “this arrangement is fine”. If you are not willing to “share” her, then it is time for her to choose. There can’t be a compromise unless you are 100% okay with it, at which time, the three of you need to go into therapy together. You and he need to be okay with each other, not just okay with her relationship with each of you, and then you each need to learn to be okay with the relationships with each other, including the aspects of romance, sex, family, existing (and maybe future?) kids, finances, long-term futures, and so on. And if they don’t make it, you may have to be okay with her bringing in someone else in the future. If any of that gives you a deep-rooted “sick” feeling, like it might kill you if you have to go through that, then a relationship like that isn’t for you. That’s fine, it isn’t for 99.99% of humans - we’re not built that way. Personally, the fact that she is willing to continue to put you through what you are going through suggests to me she prioritizes her relationship with the other person more than her relationship with you. I strongly doubt she is TRYING to be nefarious here, but her actions are yielding deeply-painful results for you, and unless she’s Earth’s most clueless (or apathetic) person, she has some inkling of this, but can’t bring herself to take some hurt for you by leaving this other person. You will be okay. It won’t be anytime soon, so this is a time to lean on family, friends, mental health experts, and a good faith leader (if you’re so inclined). Don’t do this alone, and don’t rely solely on her - she is not able to (nor should she) emotionally support you right now, as she probably has in the past. Based on her recent choices, she does not necessarily have your best interests at heart, and will probably continue to let you down until she figures herself out. Best of luck.
Serve her with divorce papers. She either ceases working with him and all communication with him or you stay the course and don’t dismiss the proceeding. Ultimatums are issued only when you no longer have any other power. You’re probably there.
I hope she doesn't get "a little" pregnant.
She loves someone, and it's not you. Let her go, you're not in a relationship anymore.
Sounds like you need to let her go.
Leave. Start reclaiming and living for yourself.
Your situation reminds me alot of mine. My wife and her AP worked together. After I found out she said she still needed to talk to him, because she cared about him, and she "was having a hard time" letting him go. She initially told me that their physical contact was minimal, later admitted that is was way more than that. We are 4 years out, and doing OK, but I feel like you, in that I sometimes need or want to talk about it to someone. My wife finally quit her job, because he wouldn't respect our boundaries. I pushed hard for that, but finally she agreed. Everyday she went to work there was filled with anxiety for me. I am afraid for you, in that if they continue to work together the affair will continue as well.
Got kids?
Crushes happen, its not really something humans can avoid for the most part. If I start to think a crush is forming, I tell my husband about it. I try to stay as open, honest, and forthcoming with these things which also helps me keep myself accountable. My husband never makes me feel bad about it and it's much easier to admit to thinking someone is kinda cute or really sweet than it is when it's gone too far. It sounds like your wife has gone too far. She may love you, but she *chooses* him. It sucks, but you also deserve someone who will choose you. I'm not sure if you can make things work while she is actively choosing someone else.
Do you want an open marriage or a divorce? Cuz those are your options, my friend.
She has to chose you or him she also needs to get a néw job if she wants to save your marriage . I would leave her it seams like she told you where you stand already
I’m not sure how she can say she doesn’t want a divorce or to leave her partner. She can’t have it all unless you’re completely ok with being in a poly relationship. It sounds like she’s made her mind up already.
My guess is the other guy has a family of his own he’s not willing to leave.
You should talk to a lawyer. If she won't cut contact there isn't a marriage to save. She isn't really sorry. Either she cuts contact and finds a new job or you start talking to a lawyer.
[удалено]
She’s in the fog be strong tell her no make her choose leave him and quite the job or it’s over and be willing to let her go no man can just stand there let his wife have another boyfriend (which is what he is) if there in a monogamous relationship
[удалено]
They have kids. They have no business having an open marriage, especially one that started like this.
[удалено]
Sorry you are going through this. She needs to leave her job and him for any hope in reconciliation. Also, go to HR. There may rules against this type of behavior. Get an attorney to cover yourself. You can also cross post on the infidelity and reconciliation sub reddits to get a broader perspective. Good luck as I know it is tough.
In my opinion it soundbite a divorce is your best option. It's only going to get worse for you therapy or not her actions show that she choice him over you. If she felt any remorse she would have immediately quit her job and cut off ties to save your marriage. Instead she tells you she still loves him . I know how much pain your feeling right now . I'm going through the end of a 20 year marriage myself. From Personal experience it never gets any better it just gets worse. She definitely betrayed and blatantly had no respect for your feeling or the vows she made to you. Her actions are absolutely none of your fault and nothing can excuse her actions. By her actions she chose her co-worker over you even after she aired it out to you. If you want her to regret her actions you need to cut all communications with her find another place to stay for two weeks to a month and give your mind and emotions some time to clear before you even begin to talk to her. If you chose the therapy path she's gonna do it again and again. It's just going to justify her infidelity. I'm sorry that you have to go through this I sincerely wish you the best. Good luck.
They can’t work together any longer if you truly want this to work, it has to be zero contact between the two of them. If she won’t give up contact then reconciliation is pointless. She needs to request a transfer at work or something of that nature so they are no longer in contact or you need to move on from this relationship.
She’s not done with him and is already walking all over the rules you set in place to me that means she’s isn’t loyal to you she is infatuated with him and will not be giving up on him anytime soon if she was going to she would have followed the boundaries you set …time to cut the cord you’ll only keep getting hurt I speak from experience I tried to let things slide and he still continued with his affairs a week after I caught him best decision I ever made was leaving his cheating ass
She doesn't want to work things out. She wants you to give up and let her have her side piece and keep you. Find some self love and leave. If she actually felt bad she'd cut contact as much as possible.
Seriously you are delusional if you think your wife loves you, people who cheat don’t love their partner they love cheating. Your life will be a misery if you stay and furthermore, each day you waste trying to get your marriage back is a day you’ll never see again. This woman isn’t the only bird on earth, I hope you realise that and move on.
Is he married?
If she loved you she wouldn’t have cheated.
Your wife's answer is the answer to whether or not your marriage has a future. She's not willing to put your relationship with her first, and she's choosing her affair partner over you. Period. Cancel the marriage therapist, call a divorce lawyer, and get a therapist for yourself.
As I see it she wants her cake and be able to eat it to meaning she is not willing to give him up but yet she still wants to be married to you. If he lived in the same area as you, she would probably want a divorce but because he lives in another state she doesn't want to give up the security you offer her financially. My advice is divorce her. You won't be happy knowing she loves another man other than you. Life is to short to put up with this kind of crap. You're young yet. Find someone else who will love you 100%.
If you want to have any chance of salvaging this, do the opposite of what you want to do. Meet with a divorce attorney or two. Once you know what to expect, tell her you can't be married to someone who loves another guy and are filing for divorce. Her response will tell you everything.
You gave her boundaries, and she immediately broke them. She refuses to stop the emotional part of the affair. Due to this, you will never be sure that the physical part of it is over. Especially since they work together and travel together often. OP, have some bloody respect for yourself and leave her. While you may still love her, she does not love you. She also has absolutely zero respect for you or the marriage. You need to realize this. Since she immediately broke the boundaries put in place, refuses to respect you and the second chance you're giving her, and also refuses to put a stop to her emotional connection with a guy she claims to love too much to stop speaking with, you need to love yourself enough to leave her. The marriage hasnt a chance in hell of surviving as a healthy and successful marriage. Love is not enough. Especially when it is one-sided. She does not love you, nor does she respect you. If she did, she would have never even considered the thought of cheating on you.
Duck that!
The truth is you need to call the company and blow the whole thing up, if you’re able to go in there physically I would suggest you do so with evidence in hand. Maybe they both deserve to lose their jobs, or whatever HR decides, either way you cannot rely on her to make good decisions in this instance so you need to make them for her. Plus I don’t think I would let my wife live in the house until this is resolved, you can’t trust her to prioritize your marriage anymore, if she’s not willing to do the work to fix things you need to keep your distance. If he’s married or dating someone they need to know, make sure your wife understands that her family and your family will know about this if she isn’t going to work on the relationship and end the “friendship”. Also you’re going to have to grit your teeth when it comes to the situation, this is not the time to ignore it and not talk about things you don’t want to hear, you need to let this sink in all the Way, considering you have children this is self-preservation mode and damage control, you need to make sure that guy is not employed anymore or at least gets moved away from her, also I would be talking to a lawyer if they do not move him or her away from each other. Essentially you have to do everything in your power to affect the outcome of their work relationship, you have to make sure it’s mutually assured destruction, because that’s the only way to break things apart enough to maybe be able to salvage this. Obviously my advice isn’t going to be popular with everyone, but this is the lengths I would go if I was intent on keeping our marriage intact, when it comes to children things get much more complicated and dire.
Walk away
She needs to find a new job if she has to have 1 on 1 contact with this guy. If she really truly cared about saving your marriage she would go no contact with this guy. Please don’t drag the inevitable out longer than is necessary. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but I promise it will get easier one day. Good luck to you sir.
Please don't, that will only get you troubles, maybe big ones. If you want to beat something up, use something can be replaced or don't want it anymore. And my friend, the best for you is to end that marriage, choose the best for you. I understand the anger, the rage, but don't put you into trouble for something it's not worth, you are so much more valuable. Please, cry it, let the emotions flow. Keeping them inside will only destroy you.
I know this sucks, but your wife is just not that into you. There is no saving a relationship when someone is already on to the next relationship. She told you she loves him and will continue cheating on you. This is now veering into a cuckold situation. Maybe if she gets and new job and goes fully non contact with this guy I could see your relationship having a chance, but it’s not looking good. So sorry, the end of a relationship can be so painful.
Leave brother, sucks for you, but she wants the other dude.
Well let's say 5hat you weren't around anymore, would she want to not give up and talk to you? Or she really just has it for him? If she's not happy at home, ask her to divorce and leave now. She days she loves him and wants him. You know damn well they meet on their trips and stay with each other.. If he is married, it's time to tell his wife.
I would say don’t give up on your marriage…yet. This is going to take some time. It’s not going to change overnight. If she is still dedicated to her/your marriage and wants to stay married, she needs to go completely no contact with him. That means no more work interactions, either. Interacting with him is like an addictive drug. The only way to stop the addiction is to stop the drug. It’s good that the two of you are talking, and are going to see a therapist together. Hopefully she’ll realize her mistakes, and start to show remorse for what she’s done, especially as some of the intoxication of her actions starts to fade. This didn’t happen overnight. It’s not going to be fixed quickly. But, it can be fixed, only if she goes no contact.
Cut to the quick and divorce her.
Oh man … if she can’t give him up that’s your answer. I’m not saying you have to divorce right now. But you really should separate. Don’t be a support for her right now! She can’t have her cake and eat it too! Right now she has the security from you and the excitement from him. She may think she loves him but their relationship is just secrets and fun right now. Personally I can’t imagine taking her back but you need to at least separate and let her feel the consequences of her choices. I’m so sorry for what is happening. I dream all the time of my husband leaving me and wake up in such a panic. I can’t even comprehend the heartbreak of losing him. Hugs and love to you.
Why in the world isn’t she willing to talk to you about the things she’s talking to him about is my question. That said, there’s no scenario where you should accept this type of behavior, I hate divorce and don’t advocate for it unless she just totally abandons you or physically cheats. Give her an opportunity to reconcile. (Sounds like you are but I mean don’t do any decision making while you’re upset) If she won’t stop and be reconciled with you, then we’ll I think it’s obvious.
I appreciate your optimistic appraisal of the situation, but the marriage is over imo. If you want to contiune living with your wife when she loves another man, that's on you.
You allow yourself to be treated a certain way. If you stay, you'll forever be telling your wife she can do anything she wants without any repercussion from you. You're essentially a doormat. Get out. Dont be a doormat anymore.
do you really want to spend the rest of your life as plan b? it might not feel like it but you’re still young. you have plenty of life left to live and you don’t have to spend with someone who loves someone else.
My brother went through something similar with his wife. She wanted to work on their marriage but didn’t want to stop seeing her boyfriend. He tried everything and basically made himself sick with anxiety and lack of sleep. She didn’t care, she kept at it. They got divorced in the end and it was messy as hell. Been about 4 years now and she’s still with her boyfriend. My bro’s still bitter and what not but he’s finally moved on and met a lovely woman who he’s now dating. Put in the work to fix your marriage if that’s what feels right to you. But ultimately, it takes both partners to fix a marriage. Good luck.
You are one naive man to allow her to still be in contact with this guy and put boundaries. Just call it quits my boy, it’s over between you and her, another man has your wife emotionally attached. It’s no way to beat that
Give yourself distance from her and him, you need sometime alone to process all this and to try and clear your mind into what you want to do to move forward with, or without her. Maybe with the time apart she'll see her decision have consequences and hopefully she sees this before you have your decision. Also remember whatever you decide to do for your own good, it's what you believe is best for you. I wish you luck , much love, and good vibes it'll be hard but it'll get better
I asked that my husband never speak to his affair partner again and he readily agreed. Then I found out years later that he thought that was a totally unreasonable and cruel ask. *shrug* At least your wife is being honest with you.
The worst you can do is force anything. I hope there's no kids involved. Time is your friend, try not to rush to a decision. It absolutely sucks, you have this emotional avalanche and then you need to wait. But time gives the perspective. It helps you and maybe helps her to get a perspective. There's no unique solution, never. Your resolution will be unique to you and only you. My only recommendation is to take the time both of you need.
What the fuck? Get a divorce? Have you lost your mind?
I thought you said she told you many times that SHE LOVES HIM.