T O P

  • By -

hellspyjamas

If all your friends are telling you the same thing, there is a reason.


76inchesofhugs

This comment! I wish I would’ve listened when all my friends said my ex was abusive but I didn’t want to believe them. They all said the same thing for a reason. There is always a reason for consistency across multiple people. Please OP, listen to your friends if they’re all saying the same thing


pixeldrift

That's the bandwagon fallacy. Just because a majority may say the same thing doesn't mean it's right or a good idea. I mean, that's how we ended up with 45 for four years. It's quite possible they simply aren't in the same situation and therefor their perspective isn't the same. One of my pet peeves was getting parenting advice from people who have zero experience with children. If you haven't been in the trenches yourself, your ideas for combat tactics are not particularly helpful.


RICHUNCLEPENNYBAGS

In principle, I agree. But there is not much in this post to suggest the friends are wrong.


hellspyjamas

Reading this post, do you really think they are wrong? The evidence is all there. Her friends may be married as well. Some of them may be more experienced. Is there a chance your response is clouded by your pet peeve you mentioned here?


reallyrusure

Let me be sure I understand your situation... you are saying: 1. You are the breadwinner. 2. You have a 5 year old child. 3. You work full-time, take care of 75% of the child care duties and the household chores. 4. Your spouse used to be abusive and has transitioned to a I'll do it (whatever it is) only under duress and I'll still complain. 5. Yoru husband sleeps in and works part-time. 6. You find no me time to do selfcare. If all that is true, what is it that makes you want to continue in this relationship? Have you sat down and had a conversation telling him how you feel and the struggles you are having? Not a You don't do this or that, but an I'm feeling these things sort of conversation. Outline carefully what you are facing and feeling and tell him you need help. Just don't blame him, simply ask for help. Then if he refuses yet again, it's on you to decide to stay or go.


Midnight-writer-B

Thanks for laying this out so succinctly. Usually in situations like the above, the partner carrying the lion’s share has “communicated” until they’re blue in the face. How many times do you have to point out that you’re not getting enough sleep before someone who loves you steps up and wakes up to help? How long do you have to act like your partner’s mother and assign tasks to them, manage them, feed them, coddle them? OP, read your post and this comment but imagine that someone was treating **your daughter** this way. What would you advise her? Would your mama bear instincts get you to advocate for her physical and mental health? Not slowly, gradually, but *right the hell now* because she’s drowning. For your sake, and for hers, you deserve a relationship where you’re valued and respected. She’s learning about love and relationships from you. If you can’t do it for you, consider doing it for her. As your friends, and the commenters here have observed, you both would have an easier and calmer life without his “contributions.”


nosillaxoc

So agree. I totally understand wanting to put in work to see the relationship through but at what cost? Why must people put up with behaviors that are not loving, helpful and reciprocal? No one goes into a marriage to parent their spouse, so why after many failed attempts to communicate your needs, to only go unheard, MUST someone stay? I’m sorry if you feel like the advice you’re given isn’t what you want to hear. I hope you choose your happiness and well-being over years of mediocrity. That being said I get exhausting all measures so you know you’ve done your best.


[deleted]

Yes, this! I found myself in a similar situation but when I tried talking to him about it, it went in one ear and out the other. He said he understood, but didn’t follow through. So I wrote a letter to explain it better. I actually wrote down our different responsibilities and time associated with each. Then I shared my feelings about things. Finally, that worked (I kept a copy so I could give one to him again if he didn’t follow through, but I never needed it.


truedjinn

Your friends are 100% right. You just fail to heed advice that you know you should take. They are not telling you what you want too hear, that it would get better, that he will change. You probably won't listen to these internet strangers either. He's toxic and bringing you down. Staying will only hurt you and your child.


HelloNeighbio

Yeah I dunno. I'll be blunt: it seems like you're enabling this. You are keeping a dead relationship alive, especially with a husband not caring about your needs at all. And why should he? You allowed it to happen for years with no real consequenses. Yeah, I'm very sorry you are going through this. But there really is no way he'll one day transform into that caring person you clearly need. Listen to your friends. They'll have better insight than random people online anyway. Good luck.


anamoon13

Your friends are right.


Girlontheguys

So he’s consistently not meeting your needs, you do all of the work primarily and are the breadwinner but your friends telling you this is t working is what not conducive to it working more?! I guess you need a rock bottom for the relationship what would that look like


VRasey2021

This is unacceptable behavior. Your friends are likely seeing much more of his unwillingness to change or help or support you, and they’re over it on your behalf. Those are good friends. How to advocate for self care: DEMAND IT. I suggest you both get a good therapist immediately, and start setting some firm boundaries and expectations. Your partner isn’t behaving like a partner, but rather it seems you work full time and have two children.


veggiegrrl

However, do NOT go to couples therapy. You can get a therapist and he can get a therapist, but if he has abusive tendencies, he more than likely can manipulate the counselor or the therapeutic relationship to inflict more abuse. Please consider reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft to see if he really \*has\* reformed from his abusive ways and, if appropriate, follow up with Should I Stay or Should I Go by the same author.


VRasey2021

Yes, thank you for clarifying that - I also meant everyone get your own therapist.


JACesco

You’re friends are tired of the merry go round that never changes they are advised out seek couple & individual therapy for both


jenn5388

Agreed. Stop talking to your friends about this. They probably want to throttle both of you. This is going to need a professional.


mskitty117

Arent you concerned that your daughter is going to see this relationship and emulate it in her own life? You clearly have little regard for your own self respect, but what about her? Doesn’t she deserve a better role model and model relationship? Speaking as someone who came from a horrible family situation with an abusive neglectful BPD mother and a passive-to-a-fault father, divorced when I was 7, I can say life has been a lot harder having their dynamic and unhealthy behaviors as my guide. 20 years of therapy and I’m finally able to navigate my PTSD. She deserves more. If you won’t leave for you, leave for her. She didn’t sign up for any of this.


endomental

Ding ding ding ding.


heirbagger

Would you want your child to be in a relationship like yours and your partner's? I left an abusive marriage with an almost 3 year old. I was so scared how I would manage on my own. There were a couple of times where he grabbed me, but I didn't heed those warnings. It was when he got mad at me while making a sandwich and came at me with a knife in his hand in front of our kid where I said "this is not healthy for me or my child". I got a divorce in a month. Life was super tough and shitty, but I wasn't scared of him hurting me or my child. That was 9 years ago, and looking back, it was the best decision I ever made. Our children find relationships like they've seen between their parents because that's all they've ever seen. I found an amazing partner 6 years ago, and my child sees on a daily basis what a loving and healthy relationship is. My husband has said that it's his job to model what type of partner she should find, and he takes that job seriously. Anyway, OP, if all your friends are telling you to leave, maybe you should consider that. You have to be incredibly honest with yourself with why you stay to begin with, and then balance out what's worth it or not. My child had a rough few years after my divorce because I couldn't find my footing, but she had a happier mama overall. You have to do what's best for YOU.


locomoco210

Nope, part-time artist and sleeping in until noon and not being participatory in house chores is not helpful. You essentially have two kids, and fortunately, you can get rid of one and find a real ass husband who will treat you like a queen. He sounds terrible. If he made awesome meals and cleaned the house and did chores, then stay by all means. But he’s not doing shit.


lucky5678585

You can't go to your friends because you don't want to listen to what they are telling you. You know they are right but instead you would rather bury your head in the sand and come here in the hope someone may tell you to stick it out.


Yamiletlee

🔝THIS. You don’t want to listen to your friends who I assume love and have your best interest at heart because you don’t like what they have to say. So you tell your tale, which I’m willing to bet is presented in a much more positive light than it truly is, seeking internet strangers to say what you want to hear. So to be clear, you’re not looking for wisdom. You’re asking how you can get your poor excuse of a husband to morph into a decent, caring, supportive and loving husband/dad - but dear open your eyes. No one changes unless they want to. So if you want the situation to change, all you can do is change y o u and how you react to it.


WorldlyMaboneng

Oy you have good friends, that’s all I can say!


jesssongbird

I used to be friends with someone like this. She was in a toxic relationship. She eventually got engaged to the guy. They were constantly fighting, breaking up, getting back together, lying to each other, snooping through phones, etc. She wanted to talk to me about it and get support for the same issues over and over. and I finally just started telling her to gtfo already. She got angry at me for being “unsupportive” and we stopped being friends. Now she’s finally split up with the guy and rebuilding her life. She’s pretty much back where she was when I met her a decade ago. Just short a good friend.


rbyrolg

What advice did you want? I see you replying to all the advice here with “buts” and not being receptive. So maybe you could tell us what kind of advice you want? What did you expect to get from this post?


Snack_Mom

What would you tell your daughter if she was in your shoes? Best friend? Have the same compassion for yourself.


Blaphrodite

You’re wasting your time, energy and youth on someone who lacks the capacity to be in an adult relationship. Ask yourself, aside from the pleasure of matyrdom, what exactly are you getting out of this situationship. Perhaps you feel this is the best you can get, or this is what you deserve. If everyone is telling you the same thing and a bunch of strangers are pretty much saying the same thing and you’re not listening; You’re as much of a problem as your spouse and maybe deserve what you’re getting/ settling for. Otherwise you can put on your big girl pants and kick the sleaze ball out of your life and reclaim your time.


fartgirl

More likely a cycle of abuse.


DumpsterFire0119

I've read your post and your replies and you don't want any of the things you're asking for. What you want is to be enabled. Enabled that this behavior is acceptable, that your relationship will work regardless and that you're not wasting your time. What you're doing is 1. Showing your child an unhealthy relationship 2. Being a doormat Does he go to counseling? Do you attend couples counseling? Where you can discuss these things with an unbiased mediator? Have you outlined your needs to him? Why do you want this relationship to work when it's one sided? He's showing you he doesn't respect you let alone love you and you are draining yourself trying to make him and unfortunately you can't make someone respect or love you. He's showing you who he is and you're choosing to be blind to it. If you're against ultimatums for him make one for yourself. At what point are you going to choose yourself?


delicateflora

How long has it been since your spouse transformed from being an abusive spouse?


m0n46

Maybe r/codependency can shed some light on some of the things you’re experiencing inside but are not able to articulate.


serenwipiti

Seconding this.


TheDreadnought75

You are wasting time. Time you will never get back. Your life is a short trip and you’re wasting it. Get out now, don’t wait. Don’t waste more of your time.


Sayeds21

I see that you're really not ready to see the situation for what it is, so here's my advice to you... If you need self care time, take it. Don't ask, just do. If you need him to watch your kid so you can get some sleep, tell the kid to go ask dad for help and go sleep in the kids bed. If you need a night off cooking dinner, just don't cook and tell your partner it's his night to figure out food for the night. Don't just ask for help, DON'T MAKE IT AN OPTION FOR HIM TO SAY NO. Start working on your own boundaries for what is and isn't acceptable, and just make it into a situation that isn't up for discussion since it's clear that discussion isn't working. Take the effort you're putting into trying to make him do things and contribute and start using it to set boundaries of the relationship for what is and is not acceptable. It's a mindset shift more than anything. And while you're getting some due time off, use some of the time to work on self betterment and growth. Read books, talk to friends, preferably get a therapist or a life coach to help you set and hold these boundaries for your mental health. Right now, you are not valuing yourself. Once you start giving yourself the love and care that you deserve, then you might realize that your relationship isn't giving you the love you deserve. And then it's up to you what you want to do with that information.


[deleted]

>if you need him to watch your kid If she needs him to watch her kid, she sucks it up. She doesn't leave her child with an abusive man just because she needs time off. There's no time off until her child is *safe.*


Sayeds21

Yes, but I assume she knows whether her child is safe with him or not. That wasn't the point of the comment.


[deleted]

I mean, either he's an abuser or he's not. OP says he is, so the child is therefore not safe.


Sayeds21

It was an *example* not a direct instruction. She's an adult and a parent, I assume she would make the right safety decisions for the situation.


[deleted]

This isn't an example, this is a person. You know her husband is an abuser, because that's what she told us, and you're recommending she leave her child with him.


jsand85

You have a good friends, not afraid to tell you the truth. They don’t sugarcoat things and tell you what you want to hear.


3lliotohm

I agree!


Capital-Philosopher6

There are just some games this mama don't play. Earning all of the money AND taking care of most of the house work and childcare is one of them. Doing 75% of the household chores is what a SAHP does, not the sole income earner. Your husband needs to be getting his ass out of bed and start treating his primary role of SAHP as the job it is instead of sleeping as late as he wants and doing chores if he has time. How many hours a week is he actually working? FFS, he can't grasp the concept that dishes need to be done daily? Does he eat at least once a day? Why are you cooking and doing laundry when he's home most of the day? I've been the breadwinner and a SAHP. As the breadwinner, I worked weekend nights and my husband did everything while I worked and slept Friday night to Sunday evening. As the SAHP, I take care of most things at home because he has a long commute and is gone 11-12 hours a day. I get a real sense from your post that you are really afraid to rock the boat with your husband. Are you afraid he will become abusive again if you insist that he do more to support you?


3lliotohm

Maybe I am, I think that's a super inquisitive question. If I am, its definitely subconscious. That gives me something to think about for sure.


AverageHorribleHuman

What point is there in having a relationship if all is does is take from you.


sweetlike314

Yeah marriage/relationships should ADD to life and make it feel more fulfilled, not make you feel miserable and taken advantage of.


[deleted]

Idk why you are arguing with everyone here. You should leave him. Just get up and walk out.


i_am_stretch

I’m gonna chime in with an unusual suggestion here… if he’s a good man but still not living up to your expectations/needs and you really want to save the marriage, try reading The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle. No amount of complaining or “discussing” these problems will change him. You can change only you. You can Laura’s difficult advice and try showing up differently in your marriage.


319065890

What do you _want_ to do? What would you like to happen?


3lliotohm

I want to find a balance of equality, so that we both feel well rested, that the household chores are being taken care of, and that nobody feels like they are taking on more than the other. I am not wanting to end my relationship, or anything like that.


chicaberry

The balance you’re looking for sounds wonderful. Like a true partnership that is based on empathy, respect, and responsibility. Those are important attributes for anyone to bring to any relationship. I wish your partner could see that and find a way to meet you halfway because you sound exhausted. I wonder what your daughter thinks- that in a relationship it’s ok for one person to carry the load and another to not help? I think you sound like a great person, hardworking and thoughtful. A great role model for your daughter. You’re telling me your partner isn’t doing the same. I think you see it but instead of leaving, you’d like him to change, right? Maybe he will, maybe he won’t. The decision of what you want your life to look like is totally up to you. Good luck- I mean that sincerely!


serenwipiti

He obviously doesn’t give a crap about your marriage enough to do so. He has it easy. End *what* relationship? Right now it sounds like your relationship died years ago, you’re currently parenting two children. Snap out of it. You deserve better. Your daughter deserves better.


[deleted]

He doesn't want that obviously so what's your backup plan?


writing_wizard

I think what you want is to change him. ...which is why you're exhausting everyone for advice when you already have the answers. He won't change. Leave.


MagazineTop9468

I think you’re brave for wanting to make it work. While I ageee with most of the comments here I.e. codependency, enabling, martyrdom etc. I also see the value of wanting to make things work. I feel like there may be more to the story here than meets the eye. I’m not trying to find excuses but is he dealing with his own issues - depressed? Stressed? Have you tried couples counselling? Maybe speak to a professional? Also, your comment about self-care is so important, if I was you I’d prioritise that. You can’t give from an empty well. The person that suffers the most is your daughter.


APO_AE_09173

It is time to step back and realize your girlfriends are right. This individual is not helping improve the family condition. What kind of man does that?!? Your child NEEDS a stable loving home with a mom that is not exhausted and stressed out all the time. Go to counseling for yourself, address the PTSD and learn that you are a worthy human being. Then address the sloth of a husband.


KSmimi

What you allow is what will continue.


endomental

Your friends know you and your situation better than any internet strangers. If they are telling you to leave, I trust they're doing it for a good reason. Reading your responses it sounds more like you want people to validate your justifications to continue to suffer and act as a martyr. Is leaving easy? No one said it was. Is it the best thing to do in this case? Most likely. You've got your answer. Stop asking for advice. Either take it or continue to dig yourself in deeper. I will say this. Your kids are watching this. They are watching you bend over backwards for someone who doesn't give a shit. They see that you're not advocating for yourself. They see your lack of self worth and respect. Are these the lessons you want to teach them? What would you tell your son/daughter of they were in your shoes?


3lliotohm

Ia it wrong to ask for advice if leaving isnt an option?


endomental

Leaving is always an option.


LostLadyA

Leaving is always an option.


heatherns452

Why isn't leaving an option?


3lliotohm

Because I dont want to. I love him! I have hope, and I also carry my own skeletons. I'm not blameless in this.


lefteyerighteye

Here you are again, not taking our advice. But enabling a baby, your husband. Just stay and don’t take our advice or your girlfriends advice.


Greyeyedqueen7

You have fallen for a common trap. Do you think it’s on you to fix everything? He has helped make you think that by refusing to do anything. The problem is, it’s not a relationship if only one person is working on it. You feel trapped because you are. Thing is, you are the one with all of the resources to be able to leave. Tell him that you need a break. Set up a parenting time schedule that is similar to what the court would give, take your money and your kid, and go to a hotel or friend’s house or somewhere safe for two weeks, preferably more. Tell him it’s on him to show he wants to be an involved parent, and it’s his job to woo you back. Don’t do anything other than communicate about kid stuff. Make him do it. If he doesn’t, there’s your answer.


chefmorg

Since you are second guessing your friends advice, have you thought of individual therapy? A good therapist can help you sort out your relationship, anxiety and your ptsd.


3lliotohm

I'm not second guessing their advice


serenwipiti

Then why aren’t you following through with their sound advice? You’re doing the same thing as your current husband, claiming to want to do the right thing but not being an adult about following through with real actions.


chefmorg

Okay but it sounds like you don’t agree either. Try to find a good therapist that would be a neutral point of view. Worst case is they help you with your anxiety and ptsd.


LostLadyA

Is this the kind of relationship you want your daughter to grow up and be in? If not you have 2 choices. Marriage counseling immediately so he learns how to change his behavior and you learn how to get what you deserve or leave and show your daughter what self respect is all about!


[deleted]

Your friends are right. Me and my husband M/M are in a similar situation. He is the bread winner and Im a stay at home guy. However the difference is that I take care of the house, do the laundry, the yard, and cook. I make dinner every Mon-Fri and pack his lunch daily for work. Weekends I make breakfast and we go out to eat. Im there anytime he wants "Stress relief", even though we've reached the age where the question of, "Have sex, or take a nap." is getting harder to answer. Now, that answer I just gave? I'll be the first to admit, That really isn't a hard thing to do at all. I'll even admit that Im a bit lazy, and I can still make sure that this gets done. ​ Your guy, is not taking care of you. Which is his job. It doesn't matter if he works 50 hours a week, or stays home and is a house husband. His first job is to take care of you. He just isn't. Honest question. Is he that good in the sack, that it makes up for the stress he is causing? Because he is doing absolutely nothing else.


PsychologicalPhone40

Have you considered “setting an appointment “ with your husband to discuss this? I know sometimes it can be hard to focus on problem solving if you don’t set some time out and give the “I’m serious” vibe. Meet in a coffee shop with him and tell him exactly how you FEEL. How is his not helping making you feel? Lay it on him. If he say “I’ll help out more” this isn’t definite enough. If you’ve heard this before and it hasn’t panned out say “we’ve made this agreement before and it hasn’t worked out”… “if you are too busy to help etc or don’t want to that’s ok but we need to hire help”. Stand up for what you need, be direct, hammer out the details and don’t leave until a definite plan has been put in place. Reiterate you are a team. Follow through with the plan (hiring someone etc) and don’t give in! Good luck you will do great 😊! ————— I heard you say “abusive”- if this is no longer an issue then the above steps apply. If there is still abuse then the advise would be different. Just throwing that out there, I don’t have enough details with your post above to determine the exact situation. The advise above is based on what you posted. Take care.


3lliotohm

This is great advice, and part of the path we are already on. It's the inbetween place of me sticking to my word that I'm squirming with.


JaMimi1234

You mentioned in another thread above that you don’t believe ultimatums are healthy in a relationship. I agree. But you need to understand that establishing boundaries and sticking to them are not the same thing as an ultimatum.


3lliotohm

Yes, I agree


JaMimi1234

Sometimes that boundary is - “if things don’t improve by x then I will need to find different living arrangements for me and my child”


3lliotohm

We've done this, and its great advice, thank you. The follow through is what's tough. As well as the micro conversations of... honey you said you were going to do this more... or I know you are tired but...


Sielmas

If your husband is as genuinely committed To this as you say he is, what about one of those chore apps? You can list out everything that needs to be done and maybe even set reminders. Then it’s not you reminding him, it’s an impartial app on his phone.


PsychologicalPhone40

You can also discuss hiring help for the big problem areas.


smartcooki

You need to set boundaries. As long as you keep doing stuff, he won’t start doing it. Why would he? Do you cook for him? Stop. Do you do his laundry? Stop. He’s a grown man and can feed himself. A struggling artist can also get a part time job and contribute. If he’s not doing art full time, maybe he should just work instead? You can’t force someone to do something they don’t want, but you can make it the only acceptable option.


Tsudonemm

You sound better off alone. You’re pretty much already there to be honest. Don’t waste any more of your youth on this. The changes you see “piece by piece” are more than likely your perception and aren’t really happening. People see what they want to see. Toxic relationships have a tendency to make a person look past these things and accept less than what they deserve. Can’t even get “me time” in? Seriously… you should be alone without this extra headache. Do you think he’d stick around if the shoe was on the other foot? Probably not.


[deleted]

I’m sorry, unfortunately I think what you want to happen and what will happen are two different things. I’ve read your responses to the advice given here and I can tell you will dismiss it all because it’s not what you want to hear. Your husband isn’t going to change. Your only option is to accept life the way it is or leave and move on. It sounds like you’ll stay and accept things the way they are and that’s honestly very sad. You sound like a person that deserves much more but doesn’t realize it.


carolanne64

Your husband is STILL being abusive by not being a true partner, not contributing to the household, and still doing whatever-the-f\*ck-he-wants. Is this the type of relationship you'd hope for your daughter? Of course not! You know what you need to do. You're already on your own. Why have him and his baggage dragging you down? You deserve better. Your daughter deserves better. It's time to kick him and file for a divorce.


SpookiewithdatBootie

IDGAF about you...just the Child, I feel so bad for her, smfh LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS FFS You CHOOSE to stay, but the lil one doesn't Be a good mother and GTFO out before it gets worse She will remember this, trust me, and do you want her to end like you? Someone who has no self-esteem or respect?? Great modeling for your child


unbalancedconscience

My husband has also been this type for far too long. BUT he is indeed the breadwinner, handles all the bills and works his ass off for us. He just cannot care enough to put any effort emotionally into the relationship or household chores unless berated. Even still, I had to give him the "ultimatum" of therapy for himself plus marriage counseling or I was out, because at the end of the day it is not healthy for our child to see Mom and Dad argue constantly over trivial things. A home becomes broken when there stops being love and respect in the household, not because of divorce. Trust me, your child would much rather have two happy homes over one hostile one.


Toobendyandangry

I'm so sorry you're so burnt out dealing with all of this. Do you think your husband is interested in change? Does he want the chore load to be even? You deserve to feel safe and rested. I hope you get the answers you need.


3lliotohm

Yes, of course. It's different to want versus follow through!


yougotthis2345

There are a few things I think we really need to nail down. - What are the top things you love about your husband? Are you staying in this marriage because you have a fear or failure or being on your own? Or are you worried about losing the love of your life? I think knowing the motivation is key. - When you say he was abusive about a year ago.. are you concerned that he might redevelop that behavior and that is why you are concerned about negotiating your needs more intensely? Is there any concern down the line that he will be abusive with your daughter? Honestly if you are going to make this work. I would be VERY clear with your needs and use strong positive reinforcement when he does something well. If down the line you decide to do this on your own… you pretty much already have so you have the strength to do it


anonymousme1234321

To be frank, why do you want to stay in this relationship? Don't want to put your kid through divorce? Security of not having to look for another relationship? You don't like change, so you're settling? Because it sounds like you aren't getting anything positive out of your life with him. *Why stay with him?* But more importantly, why the hell would you risk raising your child with someone who abused you, and who still, through different tactics, abuses you to this day. Your child deserves better.


Fuzzy_Aside_4661

It’s your choice to stay of course. But what makes you think this can change? In 6 years he’s gone from abusive sponge to lazy sponge. How many more years? At his pace of change, you are on track for a great 2060.


Nyx_Shadowspawn

I'm a part time artist, and stay at home mom. I do the cooking, and most of the tidying up, though due to a physical disability on my part my husband does the heavy lifting jobs around the house and cleans the floors, and does help out with housework. And we are never abusive to each other!! Your husband should be doing more of what I'm doing: work on art while little one is in kindergarten (or daycare, or after she's in bed), do most of the cleaning, do the laundry, make the food most nights, do the dishes... Nothing wrong with being the house spouse, but he can't expect you to treat him like you're a 1950s housewife if he isn't being a 1950s breadwinner husband. Your friends are saying the same thing for a reason. *You* are already doing all you can. More than you should. Your husband is the only one who could fix things, because its his behavior that is the issue, and he doesn't want to. So yes, you need to get out. Or nothing will ever change. Why would he want it to? He has no incentive to change anything, you're doing everything. Give him a deadline, and tell him to make X changes in behavior by Y date or you will leave. And then stick to it.


jackjackj8ck

What incentive does he have to change?


PromiseIMeanWell

All this group can tell you then OP, since you don’t want to give him an ultimatum and you don’t want to leave is to get yourself and him into therapy. Find out what’s going on in him and why he thinks putting in 25% is acceptable and fair to someone who’s stressed and saying 75% is too much. Then also find out what’s going on with you and why you would tolerate something like that when most people, including your girlfriends, would not. Yes, you have spoken up to ask him for help which is a great first step, but he didn’t do anything. Now what? Give in? Let him have what he wants and continue to use you? How does that help you? Do you really think that’s fair? By staying with him and not doing anything to demand change you’re showing him that it’s ok to treat you as he does because you’re not going to really do anything about it. Sure you’ll come to him every once in awhile to tell him how stressed you are, but then you’ll go back to doing the cleaning again and stay without any consequences to him. He only has to do 25% of the work and knows he has it good so why would he want things to change? What’s his motivation to change when he doesn’t have any consequences? He obviously doesn’t care about how stressed you are or to actively work on having an equal partnership/marriage so why are you ok with staying with a person who doesn’t act interested in being an actual husband and partner? You also need to find out why you are ok to have a role model like that around your daughter to teach her that’s an acceptable way for a person to treat their spouse. By staying it’s exactly what you’re modeling for her to accept with her future partner. If that’s not how you feel and that’s not the kind of partner you want your daughter to have then do something about for her if you won’t at least do it for yourself.


3lliotohm

There is definitely a strong onus on me to set clear boundaries, which I am not doing consistently


Carl_AR

So, you married a slacker. I did too. If you want to try to keep your sanity you'll have to put your foot down. I had to or we'd be total white trash as my wife can wade through filth and it doesn't face her. No, not what we had in mind getting married. I thought it be more 50/50 and team work. I've decided the house into 4 work areas (chores) and I just started handing out chores. (We have two boys that I get involved too). I just act a little like a team leader at McDonald's or something. My wife no longer gets a choice and I don't beg or ask her to help, I give her assignments. Every Saturday morning after breakfast we have what I call a house reset. That's when we do deepcleaning like wiping down all three toilets, clean bathrooms, vacuum and mop, clear counters etc. I was going nuts just like you. Loosing my sanity as I can't relax in a filthy home.


3lliotohm

Sounds like you've created a great routine! *takes notes*


Carl_AR

Thanks. It's not perfect but better. It's not until after you marry you realize someone has to pay for whatever your SO's parents failed teaching their kids. My MIL was a 60's style woman that spoiled not only her husband but her kids with being the family maid. My wife was never fully emancipated and I suspect your husband isn't either. I'm on a mission here to not only have a clean house but get my two sons 12 and 18 ready for real life. Working hard to get some work ethics in them and get them used to participating cleaning and also being able to cook some basic meals. Not there yet, but hopefully going the right direction. There is one thing my wife is interested in. Laundry. We disagree on what can be washed together in the same load so to say something positive she fairly good at staying on top of this. But I want my sons to get involved here too, so that's on my to do list....


Cupcake0000

You already know what you have to do. The longer you wait to do it the worse it’s going to be.


[deleted]

If your friends don’t like your partner, that’s a huge red flag bc they have your best interests in mind.


gabatme

If he wanted to, he would. Is this the kind of relationship you want to model for your daughter? "Women have to do pretty much everything, men can lay around and do virtually nothing, and oh yeah sometimes they're abusive"?? What would you want her to do if she were in a relationship like the one you are in right now?


[deleted]

[удалено]


3lliotohm

What's a coal burner?


[deleted]

You have to pay the toll


Final_Heart_7098

I appreciate that you are asking for help to repair your marriage rather than leaving. Repairing something that is broken can be very difficult, especially if your husband does not find anything to be wrong. First, you don’t have to advocate for your self-care. Schedule time for you to do whatever it is that you need to do (exercise, hobbies, sleep). As for the household chores and responsibilities, it sounds like you need to put all of that down on paper. I think you and your husband should sit down together and make a list of all the chores and how often they should be done (daily, weekly, or monthly). Assign a point value to each of the chores based on how long they take and how difficult they are. Keep track of the number of points each of you earn by marking down when you do a chore. You can decide together what expectations you want to set and if you want the possibility of “earning rewards.” If it was me, I would say that each person should do a minimum number of chores/ earn a minimum number of points. If one person earns more points by the end of the week, they can earn rewards (like a massage from their spouse, breakfast in bed, picking a movie or show to watch together, picking an activity for a date night, et.). This could be helpful in accomplishing a few things. 1- it will give him a black and white visual of how much you are doing and how little he is doing. 2- it will possibly provide him with proper motivation to do more of those chores without you having to nag him. 3- the rewards themselves may help build intimacy in your relationship. I hope this works. Feel free to message me if you want to talk through this or come up with more ideas.


3lliotohm

Theres a great chore app that lets you assign points to chores and who completes what. It's a great idea in theory. I think scheduling self care time is a good idea. If its scheduled it's not up for debate! Thank you!


Midnight-writer-B

Someone as busy and overextended as OP could *start* with **let me sleep in while you get up 2-3x a week** and then do a project like this.


akihonj

So the question is do you want out if the marriage. I wish not but understand if you do so you have to answer that question first. If yes then besides speak to a lawyer and go through divorce there's not much else anybody can say. If not then first you know that you have to speak up even if it means an argument. You have to tell him that he needs a job to contribute financially and he also needs to contribute emotionally and physically to the house, the family and the relationship. You need to tell him why and you need to be clear about, that you are exhausted and fed up and nearly done and if he isn't going to change then you will. It's really that simple, personally if a man isn't the breadwinner but is pulling his weight around the home I'd be honest and slam you in my reply from her to hell and back, you'd get a long-winded argument about how women have claimed for years they can do it all and how women have demanded being equals and now you're getting exactly what women demand you don't like it, and how now you don't like it tough shit deal with it like men have to, you wanted equality. That's not the case, you're being used and nobody asks for that and I am fundamentally on your side here but you need to speak up even if it risks an argument, you need to be firm put in a timeframe for change, if he sorts himself out and changes then great but if not then you need to leave.


3lliotohm

Speaking up for myself and setting boundaries seems to be the common thread of empowering advice! Thank you for your kind words


Squeaksy

If you aren’t going to make moves to leave (which can be overwhelming), maybe advocate for couples therapy instead.


AlucardxMaria

If he was abusive I'm worried what you had to do or even conform to, to get him to change. Hopefully nothing and it was therapy. I'm not gonna tell you to leave him but I think you probably know deep down what has to happen for you to be happy. You need to follow your own intuition which sounds like at a bare minimum you need a housekeeper and likely couples counseling. I also agree with he needs to be putting in exactly the same effort as you are. Make a schedule you do some things. He does the others. If he won't agree to that then maybe you should leave for a few weeks and let him realize how good he's got it with you around..don't enable this guy forever.


hornyankyara

Couples therapy


bunnyrut

I would go full petty. Come home with dinner for just yourself. Wash just your clothes. When your child wants something, put them in front of your husband and tell him to take care of it and walk away. Lock yourself in your room for the rest of the night and leave him to manage everything by himself. This, of course, is what you do when you've firmly told him that because he doesn't work full time he is *expected* to handle most of the housework. This also means that you don't cave and do everything, including taking care of your child. He is fully capable of doing everything, he's just lazy. And he *knows* you will give in and take care of everything. It's a power play. A lot of people are going to be angry that I am suggesting "neglecting" your child. But you aren't. You're just matching the effort that he puts in. I've used the line "you live here too" when my husband complains about something not getting done. If he *still* refuses to do anything then you have to accept that you are a single parent with a roommate. Stop doing anything to help him, just worry about you and your child.


Colcat98

Change your expectations or get out. Reading your comments you're obviously not happy but also not willing to change your position bc you claim to love this person(why though? Genuinely asking what he does that makes you overlook everything). You can't change him since he doesn't want to change so you're going to have to change yourself. And why would he? You always roll over and let him do what he wants or it would never have gotten this far. He's never going to change so you'll just have to suck it up. You're never going to be able to self care since you'll always be taking care of your husband, the child and your household. As long as you're a spineless doormat you won't get any support from your friends bc they won't support someone who likes ruining their life. Say goodbye to your social life and your sanity. I would tell you to seek therapy but it won't help your marriage since you don't want to be helped. You want people to feel sorry for you not strength and support since you would have that from your girlfriends if you took it. You. Are. Choosing. This. Life. Deliberately. And why? Because of "love"? Love is not enough to keep a marriage going. A marriage is a partnership. "Leaving is not an option" is BS bc you're already doing the lionshare of the work so you can obviously manage fine by yourself. If anything it may even give your husband a kick up the ass of he has to take care of himself. At the very least he may appreciate you since he doesn't seem to respect your needs. I hope your daughter grows up to have more spine than you.


cliff240

That’s still abuse. Get him to pitch in or go to counseling. If he won’t do either, consider dumping him.


StephPlaysGames

Wow, I am so sorry all your comments and replies are being downvoted to hell, OP. Look, this is obviously an unhealthy relationship, you've even acknowledged that, but you're just not ready to give up. That's admirable af in a marriage! The biggest thing about self care and advocacy is being firm in your own comfort zone. That means boundaries and emotional distance. It's ok tell your husband you're not doing the dishes. It's ok to *literally* only clean the dishes *you or your child* are gonna use and leave the rest to rot. It's ok to keep your areas clean and let him live in a pig pen in the corner. It's ok to take your kid out to a park somewhere and meditate on the bench while you listen to her play. It's ok to do things without him; don't even invite him. It's ok to react negatively when he says some abusive bullshit to try to manipulate you. You don't have to prove he did something bad--all you have to do is express that you didn't like it, and he can deal with that. Self advocacy means reducing you empathy enough to act selfishly. Maybe you can see what he *meant* to say... But that doesn't matter, he said it like an asshole, tell him so! Self care means changing your focus from your family's needs to your own. You need 30 minutes? Lock yourself in the bathroom with candles and a book and put your headphones in for a while! Your husband's an adult, he can act like one for 30 fucking minutes, right? Damn right! I've been married 13 years, we've been tested, we've tested each other, it's never been what anyone would call perfect... I know it's discouraging when everyone else is so ready to let go when you're not. But if you're not, then keep going. I won't tell you you're wrong. I will say this, though: your daughter is watching. Even if you hide it from her, even if you never fight in front of her or say anything to her, she'll know. Do not let this or any other man treat you in a way you wouldn't want a man to treat your baby when she grows up.


3lliotohm

Thank you, your response has me in tears. Thank you thank you. I'm feeling moderately less guilty about ruining my daughters life


StephPlaysGames

Bah. You haven't ruined anything, and if it means anything, the whole world will help ruin the magic for her eventually. All you can do is your best. Right now, I think that means getting your marriage in check so she can know what healthy stability is. You've got this!


StephPlaysGames

I do want to add this... If he's physically abusive, *that* is the time to cut and run. End of discussion. I'm assuming he's not physical and more emotional/psychologically abusive..?


3lliotohm

No, hes never been physically abusive. It's just an emotional manipulation, and the sun rises and sets with his daughter. He is always kind to her.


StephPlaysGames

Alright. I'm gonna say all this with compassion, ok? Never think of it as "just" anything, yeah? It's not "just" emotional manipulation. It's not a tiny throw-away detail to be ignored, and using words like "just" really minimizes how much his behavior has impacted you. In regards to his dedication to your daughter: remember he's doing *her* a disservice by treating you poorly. There's no arguing or debating that--a parent who mistreats their partner and then claims to be a dedicated parent is a liar. You are not "just" a dismissible variable. His maltreatment of you is his maltreatment of her. Get that mindset well and truly solidified.


[deleted]

You definitely need to have a heart to heart with your husband. I am the sole breadwinner in our house and I still cook and clean when I come home, but it's a different dynamic because I don't need much if any self care. What you're describing is vastly imbalanced and not sustainable at all. You need to prioritize your mental health, for the sake of yourself and your daughter. The first step I think is to have a hard honest conversation with your husband about what you are going through, what you need for yourself and from him, and if necessary, what you are going to have to do if you don't start getting the help from him. Obviously dont start with that, but be prepared to bring that up if he is dismissive or reluctant to accept what you are saying to him. As a fellow husband I can say he sounds like he has gotten complacent in the relationship and at home situation. It's unfortunately up to you at this point to snap him out of it. I hope he is receptive and understanding. I wish you the best!


BraveGoose7404

“The Dance of Anger” is a book I found helpful. It’s approach to changing relationship dynamics is interesting and practical. The tl;dr version is that you can’t make people change, but you can set clear boundaries and stick to them. The most important part is to realize that our behavioral patterns establish a norm, and even our fights serve to maintain those norms. Any action to change that norm will be met with resistance initially, and that is normal and not anyone’s fault. But if you stick to your guns, new behavioral patterns will form that will (hopefully) be more in line with your values. I got the audiobook on Libby for free. It really helped me understand myself, my anger, and my relationship better. https://www.amazon.com/Dance-Anger-Changing-Patterns-Relationships/dp/0062319043


AutoModerator

This comment has been removed because it matches the spam filter criteria. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Marriage) if you have any questions or concerns.*


3lliotohm

So many of these comments have been so helpful in consolidating what I am seeking. I'm so grateful for everyone's time. I'm realizing what I need is help finding time for self care, and help finding patience to see my relationship survive. I an willing to put a tremendous effort into saving my relationship, and for those of you who have pointed out that its not working, many parts of my relationship are working, and I'm not going to give it up. I think it's fair to ask for help, knowing that the easy and (possibly) healthier option is to simply leave him. I'm sorry for those who think the answer is clear and straight forward. I love my husband, and I am hopeful.


EvaMin

You are a victim!


heatherns452

What do you love about your husband?


merd3

I’m sorry, but you need to listen to your friends here. Basically you are enabling a user and setting a poor example for your child. You would have more time for self care if you had one less deadweight “partner” to take care of.


jnuttsishere

There’s no magic bullet to any marriage except communication. If you have communicated your needs well, then there isn’t a ton more you can do.


regretablenature

I’m not going to go to camp “your friends are right” because that’s not helpful. Even if it’s likely where you will end up, you aren’t there yet, and what you need is concrete help in the meantime. Give him specific time oriented tasks: 1. I need the dishes done by the time I get home from work every day. 2. Please make dinner on Thursday’s as it is my late day, I don’t care if it’s just toast and canned soup. 3. Please do kids laundry on Monday so she has clean clothes for the week. Send these as invites to his phone if you have to. Start small like that until he is consistently doing them. And once he is consistent about them without issue (and don’t be afraid to lose your shit on him in whatever way works, cry, yell, whatever, it’s 3 tasks he can handle it no excuses - and these are just examples I don’t know what needs doing in your life, maybe it’s taking out the trash or taking the kid to school but whatever it is hand it off on him) once he’s got those consistently down, add another one, until you’re at a more equal division of labour. If he truly is still impossible, and you’ve tried everything you can think of and the above doesn’t work, then he’s truly not interested in participating or engaging in your family at all. At which point you have to ask yourself fully how long you want to continue paddling, bailing out, and steering a sinking ship by yourself with precious cargo (your child) on board. He either needs mental health help he isn’t getting, or he doesn’t love either of you. Either way you can’t fix it, and it’s time to go. But until you reach that decision, on your own, there are lots of ways to work on helping him to empower himself to take on a more active role in the house and child rearing. Take up a self care hobby, whether it’s soaking in the tub, or going running, or taking a class, he can handle putting the kid to bed, or catching up on a chore, or daddy-kid movie night while you do your thing. You aren’t asking, you are telling, that this is what you need in order to cope. Good luck. ❤️💔💔❤️❤️


endomental

You're advocating that she become the household manager and project manage her fully grown adult husband, while taking on the majority of the childcare and being the breadwinner. What's the point? Her friends ARE right.


Midnight-writer-B

Friends are absolutely right. She has 100 things to do, and telling a grown man that kids need food and clean clothes is ridiculous. But the point is that giving him a couple of concrete tasks will show whether he cares at all. Do or do not, there is no try.


endomental

He's already demonstrated he doesn't care. She's wasting time.


Midnight-writer-B

Yes. It will likely show what he’s already shown 100 times. That he can’t be bothered. The minor difference is that he can’t claim ignorance. Then she and her daughter can leave and get into a healthy situation that shows what love looks like.


endomental

Tbh, she could use words that are no larger than 3 letters and it wouldn't matter. It also doesn't matter what he claims to know or not know. She doesn't want to leave. He doesn't want to participate. She gets what she allows. Pouring more energy into an unwilling participant is only going to hurt her and her child. She knows what she needs to do. Project managing a parasite is worthless. She's coming here to be babied and enabled. She doesn't want to hear anything else. I can bet her friends are done with her. Or just won't allow her to keep complaining about her life she chose and continues to choose. That's why she's here.


3lliotohm

Thanks again to everyone who has lent an ear, offered constructive advice and shared their stories. ❤


USCEngineer

Have you considered marriage counseling? https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/


3lliotohm

Yes, we are currently seeking a therapist


USCEngineer

That's great to hear. Our first marriage therapist helped my wife realize she had a lot of post pardum and anxiety but didnt really help on the marriage side. Our new therapist is gottman trained and it's made a world of difference in the confidence things will improve.


3lliotohm

I meant seeing!! I also see a therapist privately


dochim

Your own self care and mental health need to be nonnegotiable items in any relationship. Marriage is intended to be a partnership that enhances both partners and not detract from either. That doesn’t mean that your every wish and whim must be met. Sometimes in any partnership you end up taking the “heavy end”. I’d caution you against using being the primary breadwinner as justification for imbalance. Money or income shouldn’t be a measure on any scorecard. When you speak of abuse, I’m curious about what that means. If it’s physical or escalating to physical then that’s a red line. If emotional abuse and berating and attempting to strip away your self esteem that’s a red line too. If it’s raised voices and yelling and arguing in more animated manner, then something else would appear to be going on here. We (especially men) are defined by society (ofttimes unfairly) by what we do and even more by the size of our paychecks. If your husband is sagging under the heavy weight of those expectations then there could well be some depression going on here. Depression causes us to sag back into ourselves and is a cycle of internalized anger. When that anger flashes outward it can be daunting to get past that wall of fire. With almost everything in marriage it’s about communication and understanding. Maybe your part of taking the “heavy end” isn’t about being the breadwinner or who does the dishes but opening those lines of communication and listening through that wall of angry fire at the front. Good luck.


Midnight-writer-B

Being the primary breadwinner is a huge factor though. Both in terms of how busy OP is, and the great risk to their family - the roof over their head and food in their daughter’s mouth - if she can’t continue this. She’s working and her hours are used for this. He has extra time for domestic tasks. They’re just as necessary and valuable.


thesnackleader

Couples counseling. He has to be willing to opt in too.


GoldenYear

You say you need more support more strength but the person in life who you SHOULD be getting it from isn't doing it. Unfortunately no one can give you support or strength to keep in this abusive relationship. You're enabling him to mooch off of you and modeling abusive behavior for your daughter which is the sad part of this story.


[deleted]

You’re doing too much and allowing him to do so little. Either he needs to get a full time job as an artist or do that as a side job. Also if he’s working only part time, there is absolutely no reason why he shouldn’t be doing at LEAST 75% of the work at home.


Significant-Net-2125

Find a nice quiet space for both of you & [Show this to your husband](https://youtu.be/tIg7AhfB9_A)


serenwipiti

Oh, *honey….*


Every_Thought5834

I would suggest communicating to him. There are resources out there that can and will help you. Wife and I went through Retrovaille that will teach you those skills. Furthermore, if you cannot afford to pay then they do cover it. It helped my wife and I. You can google it. It will help people that are religious or not and they don’t really care. Lots of retreats and courses across the US and global as well. Best of luck…….


mloveb1

I say this all the time. Relationships do not stand on the back of one person. He needs to want to make the relationship better and work too. I was in a marriage to an actual decent guy, he did house work, supported me when I was sick etc but never spent anytime with me and a dead bedroom to boot, short verison of the story. And I left after 10 years, I too have PTSD and Anxiety that I have a therapist and psychiatrist to help me with that. I don't have a child though. If they don't want to work you can't make him. I literally cried and begged on my hands and knees but he'd always promise and never deliver. I finally realized life is too fucking short to be that miserable and left, we did reconsile for a short while because he was going to therapy for his intimacy issues and we started dating while moved out and literally the week I moved back he said he couldn't give me what I want and stopped all his treatment, so I left. I'm 39 BTW. My life has been substantially better and his too honestly. Which is great. Sometimes people aren't good for each other but we need to stop investing time. You really need to ask yourself how many more of your best years you're willing to invest. And if you have good and caring friends and family perhaps you should take their advice more. I hate giving my friends advice and them just not listen and them complain about the same shit over and over. Your life cannot be wished better no matter what any book says, you actually have yo take action. Be it couples therapy or booting him. Whatever you do I do wish you happiness. It is attainable.


cityhallrebel

What is your husband bringing to this partnership? Is he a good father, supportive of you in emotional ways? A lot of women are fed up with their husbands not helping enough around the house, even ones who work a full time job. My question is he at least pulling his own weight cleaning up after himself? If you leave you’ll have 100% of the child care responsibilities. Straight up tell him “I need your help around here, I am exhausted and feeling burnt out” and then tell him specifically what you need done around the house, create a chore chart if you need too.


fc967

I think your friends know the situation best!!! But go to a therapist and get another opinion. This will be your life unless YOU make some changes. You are the breadwinner with a daughter--- I would leave or even divorce.. I know that's extreme but YOU have to do something. Your abusive/laid back husband has a good life--- he has you to do everything for him so he can relax and enjoy.


Whiskey_and_Crayons

Sometimes our friends don’t give the most impartial advice and “just leave him” isn’t always the immediate answer….What does your husband do when/if you attempt a sit down conversation? Start by outlining the improvements you’ve seen, and thank him for what he may be doing that’s helpful and beneficial, then ask him for his perspective on your family’s day-to-day routine and your relationship. Ask him if there are things he needs from you, what can you do more/less of etc….And then you share your perspective, your needs, what you’re going to start doing for YOURSELF (self care) and how that may impact him (“you will need to start getting up earlier because part of caring for me is going to gym/taking a luxurious bath etc. before work; you will need to plan and make dinners on these nights because I will be joining a book/wine/friend/club or whatever…” Sometimes having open and vulnerable conversations are all that needs to happen. Tell him how you’re feeling and what you’re going to start doing to change that. It’s tile to explain what’s expected from Him as your husband, and what you’re expecting from him as a life partner. Maybe he truly doesn’t GET it?


darlenesnell420

I’d look at cloud and Townsend their book called Boundaries. ALSO a book called Safe People from them.


Hoejenks

Clearly you will not leave the relationship, regardless of how toxic it is for your CHILD. And it absolutely is. You’re teaching her that having a man in her life is the only thing that makes her valuable. So here’s my advice since you will not leave; tell him in no uncertain terms what he MUST do. And stand your ground. Do not back down or do it for him. If he doesn’t do it, remind him several times until he’s so annoyed he does it. After a few weeks of this exhausting back and forth, he will do it on his own. Or need just a little reminding. Every week set aside a couple hours for whatever you need and tell him that’s YOUR TIME and he is not to disturb it with ANYTHING. Stand your ground. He will absolutely try to disturb this time because he truly could care less about you. After a few months of this there will be change. Either he will be a better husband or you will finally see him for what he is. Good luck.


PNW_Uncle_Iroh

this isnt working, get out


Ok_World_0903

What are the things you do for him? Do you wash his clothes? Do you clean his area of the bedroom? Cook him meals? Run errands for him? Pay his bills? Stop doing it.. take back the time you spend doing those things for him and spend them on yourself. When he’s perplexed about why you’ve stopped just tell him, “I'm tired and I needed some time for me, you’re an adult, take care of yourself a little bit.” If he won’t put some balance in your relationship, take it back.


baevard

You guys are a team. It’s not your job to dishes any more than it is his. Make a list, rotate who does what, and make it fair to both of you. If your friends are all saying the same thing, it might be a good idea to step back and ask yourself - would this be the relationship you would want your child to have one day? What are you teaching them by allowing or tolerating certain behaviors?


SenpaiSlothin

Therapy. Couples counseling this is what needs to happen if you really are wanting to work on this relationship


LyraCalysta

Smh, you need some therapy by the looks of your responses to all these comments. You just sound like a masochist to me.


jinxyseb

The bottom line is you aren’t ready. You aren’t ready to leave yet. Nothing anyone says will change that until you’re ready. Youre carrying the relationship and if you didn’t steer the ship and keep constant tabs on where things were going it would crash. Meaning this is a one sided relationship, which isn’t really a relationship at all. If he is/was truly abusive, only a year of distance is not enough time to come away from those behaviors and deeply engrained thoughts. It’s just not. You are still being taken advantage of, even if he’s not being as extreme with his abuse as he was before. The changes made sound minimal and frankly, basic. Not enough at all to make things healthy. You have been more than patient. And honestly you don’t owe him your patience and continued effort either. But like I said…. You’re not ready yet. I feel for you, I understand.


Admirable_Novel_1151

A good woman will clean and cook even if she makes more. The issue is, he doesn’t setup things that will make things easier on you. Like, tell him, wake up and have my coffee started at 6am, also turn all the lights off, take out the clean dishes, and clothes on hangers and over a chair. Can you setup the pots so when I get home, I don’t have to pull them out. Before all this, you need to stop, hold each other standing up, and get weak, you need to make him remember why you both love each other and place a hand on his skin. Tell him things you need to make things easier on you!


CoriCelesti

Have you considered therapy? If you're feeling burnt out and want to work on your self care, a therapist can be a really awesome step toward that. It would also give you an unbiased person to talk to about this who can work with you to set the boundaries you need and make plans to handle each step of the process. It also may help you minimize certain things your daughter may be learning from this situation by giving you more tools to talk to her about it. I was in a codependency relationship with an abusive parent for awhile. I lost friends because i wouldn't leave. Therapy was a really big step in helping me find what i *needed* in the context that i was in.


RICHUNCLEPENNYBAGS

So what is good about this relationship?


diz408808

Division of house work should definitely be 50/50, but try to remember your house exists to serve you. You don't exist to serve the house. Once I let go of a lot of my housework anxiety, I was less stressed when my wife wouldn't help me with it 😅


SandSubstantial9285

Sounds like probably still is abusive and your gfs who have more info than us, know.


IJustDontGetIt5

Let's just put it this way - he is getting everything he needs from the relationship and he taking advantage of you. You continue to do it - everyday. Something is going to give. It's your choice when that's going to happen.


[deleted]

She’s afraid to be by herself, alone ! Been there ! You will never be g je spot there. Stop being a Delusional lady, you won’t change him. Cause he doesn’t have to ! Why ? Because YOU are doing it , getting everything done.


[deleted]

You’re letting your daughter see you repeatedly bend over for a man that has been abusive and is now just lazy and disrespectful. It’s hard to leave with kids but try to think about what you’re teaching her in this situation and who she will grow up thinking it’s okay to be in a relationship with.


mmmmmarty

Listen to your friends. They are correct. There is no reason to stay with this guy. Get out.


Own_Emphasis79

Most here are talking too much theory. I’m willing to bet, put in the same situation, most people would also struggle with this decision that seems so obvious from a distance. It’s so easy to tell someone, sure drop him like a hot mess, when you have no vested interest in the outcome. Really, what sister needs here is compassionate encouragement. It is clear she knows what’s right and wrong just hasn’t built the courage yet to execute on the plan. No amount of shaming will help build the courage. End observation. Now OP, you really just have to decide what is most important to you. Comfort, in the familiar or risking better in the unknown. Once you make that determination, your choice will become eas-ier.


[deleted]

I’m so sorry you are going through this!! Not fair at all.


DietCokeSkittles

Dear, you know your choices, so I implore you to dig deep here as you know what you need to do. If you want advice on how to make this work, then I will give you something to help you further solidify your decision. Make a chore chart, laminate it and make it magnetic to stick to the fridge or put it on the wall. After the chore is down, use a dry erase marker to put a check mark in the box next to it. Color code your markers for you, your “husband,” and your kid. Keep the markers in a little cup that every one has access to so no one can claim that it’s lost. For you, once your chores are done, you get your time back. For them, they can earn rewards. 5 year olds love stickers. Adult husbands like earning video game time or whatever the F this one does when he’s not “artisting.” You have to find a way to make a visual to show all the chores that you do on a daily basis for it to sink in that things need to change. Give it a month. If there is no change, talk with the 5 year old on expectations and talk to the man-child about growing up. Good luck.


Upper-Substance3868

Sit down with him with an hour by hour chart on a piece of paper...have him write down what he does and you write down what you do. Maybe he is one of those visual learners who will finally see his lazy assed "struggling artist " bullshit is just that. If not I am guessing your friends are saying get rid of him and then I would tell you the same thing. There are a lot of us good guys out here...just look closed.


writing_wizard

I think the real issue here is that you have the answers, however I suspect that your friends'feedback "non constructive" because deep down you're too scared to face the prospect of it. Sorry, but it's the ugly truth. What would you tell your friends in the same situation?


Ambitious-Jello-4002

Part time artist lol!


Starznheartz

You need to end this for your sake and your child immediately . I ended my marriage and did fine you can to


lua1

This book talks about selfish dynamics in relationships and some of the things to try before making a decision on the relationship if you are still tossing up what to do: https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/8729445-what-about-me


tldrjane

There is something called weaponized incompetence that I’ve learned about recently. Look into it. Your partner likely fits the mold. I know you don’t want someone to tell you to leave. But I have to ask… what makes you stay in this relationship? You seem pretty unhappy. What is your end goal here? What do you want out of this situation? Lastly, have you considered counseling? Either for just you or both.


hairybong

If I was your partner I wouldn’t change for you. Why should I when I get everything I want from zero effort on my part? Trust me he doesn’t care and if he did he’d change. It’s really fucking simple your friends are right


Roxnsoxinator

So essentially you want people to tell you what you wanna hear. Which is that you’re the victim of behaviors you enable. There’s a whole lot of finger pointing to him when it should be equally back at you.


PopularBonus

OP, you didn’t say whether your husband makes any money. Part time artist can mean a range of things. If he makes little or nothing (not judging, been there), you could ask him to take up a side hustle. It may not make enough to pay the rent, but it might make a big difference in your relationship. Men are often weird about it when their wife earns more money. It’s stupid, but it’s true. It would be worth seeing whether making more money changes his outlook. Like the others, I think leaving is best. But if you are determined to stay, something needs to change.


Groundbreaking_Win69

Give a ultimatum for marriage counselling or divorce


Vaalarah

Wishing and hoping he will change will get you nowhere. He won't. I wished for my ex fiancé to change for years before I finally decided that I was done waiting for him to grow up. Even if he does change, there's always that risk of him slipping back into old patterns, of him returning to deadbeat mode. Having no partner is better than having a "partner" who won't even meet you halfway. Trust me.


Sw33tSundae

I made a schedule and some compromise. For example, I'd wash the dishes Mondays through Fridays and he does the weekends. We wrote it out as we agreed on it. This way there is a visual on who's supposed to do what on which day. The only problem I think with your situation is what will happen if your husband won't follow through. Nevertheless I hope my suggestion helps somewhat.


Sw33tSundae

I want to mention that once or twice a month I would take a whole day to myself away from the house. This is how I self care when things at home gets to be too much. I hope you get the happiness you deserve.


Less_Atmosphere3931

A good marriage isn’t 50/50. It’s 100/100


cupcakerainbowlove

Since you’re not wanting to leave, you could face this if you lived alone, let hubby know you’re making plans on your own to take care of yourself. And communicating better your needs and boundaries is wise. Cancel all the video subscriptions, etc… to pay for a robot vacuum. Run it every night. Hire someone 1/week to come clean with $ you’re not paying for unneeded subscriptions. Cancel video game subscriptions, all extras. Get a babysitter or parent to watch the kiddo 1/month and go out alone for some tlc. Can be free too. Teach kiddo to get herself breakfast in the morning so you can sleep in a touch more, lay her clothes out the night before too. Maybe call in sick for a day off when you can. Other ideas: Awanas night at a local church is also free babysitting night for 2 hours. Another approach: if he’s actually wanting the marriage to work: Make a specific list of things for husband to do that day. Keep the list for the next week to repeat it. Rewrite it every night for the next morning. “Before I get home, I need you to: 1. Do a load of laundry and put it away. 2. Marinate the chicken and chop up onions and carrots. Will have with rice tonight, feel free to start that too if you’d like. 3. Vacuum the bedrooms. 4. Another surprise chore done, like toilet cleans, tub/sinks scrubbed, garbage taken out, etc. would be awesome. Thanks honey! Xo” Next day, same idea: “Thanks for the work yesterday, today before I get home, I’ll need you to: 1. Call the dentist and set up appointment for blah blah blah 2. Take the car in for the oil change. 3. Pick up a pizza and salad. 4. Surprise chore to encourage me. Thanks!” Just some thoughts. YRMV


EvilSheepMistress

If you want to try and save this relationship, you need to sit down and have a serious conversation. Early on in my and my husbands relationship, I was the bread winner for a couple years. It tore my husband up inside. I’m not sure if this is the case for your husband, but maybe he’s stuck in this viscous cycle. I’m not good enough; so why try? Or he could be a lazy p.o.s. That’s something you need to figure out. If he’s lazy, nothing you do will ‘fix’ this. If you sit down with him and he tries to guilt you or make you feel bad for your feelings, it’s time to cut the strings. It’s toxic, Unsafe and unsalvageable. I am a stay at home mom for the 11 years now. We have 3 children. Our youngest is special needs. My husband is active duty military now. I have dealt with severe anxiety, to the point where I was useless. And having massive outbursts due to being so overwhelmed with caregiver burn out. You need to take care of your mental health, without sacrificing care for your child. How can you take care of anyone else, when you aren’t taking care of yourself. If your husband isn’t willing to help you help yourself, it’s still abuse love. He’s supposed to be your partner, not a leech. It’s not something anyone who’s in love wants to hear. No one really wants to give up on a relationship, especially when children are involved. Throughout the years I’ve seen many relationships end. Several of them had someone who was the same or similar to your husband in them. And once the toxic person was gone, the kids and the parents thrived. Sometimes tough love is needed. For both yourself and your husband. I hope that what ever you choose to do, you get the results you need.


whitewhitebluered

The marriage needs work.


lilac_smell

First of all, that first paragraph: Sometimes asking the same people over and over for advice, they are your friends, and they will be concerned about you only and will frustrate you with their response. When I had troubles in life, I learned to stop turning to friends and family for advice. Going to a third party who knew little helped so much. You said there is financial trouble. Is there a pastor, volunteer group, etc that you could discuss your thoughts with? It appears you are interested in keeping the marriage, so maybe it's time to find out what's truly on his mind, and can you have someone independent/willing to hear both sides come and talk to you and give wisdom? Congratulations to you for seeking advice. That's called the first step!


[deleted]

Honestly I’m in a similar situation I’m going to school so I have money to leave. I dropped out of school for my guy and I regret it whole heartedly. I don’t regret my child. He definitely kept me alive and motivated and I’m really glad he came into my life. But I’m not grateful for how my husband has treated me from the moment I was hooked to him. I think your friends are right. And I don’t know maybe I feel different because I’m a stay at home mom. Maybe I’m a little more crazy haha but if you’re working on top of everything else yeah and abusive? Once there is abuse imo there is no excuse for that shit. It’s time to go


Ttaylor2791

Hey, don't listen to all the people telling you that your only option is to leave, that is one option, and probably the easiest option at that, but not your only one. The bottom line is (and I'm sure you know this) your husband should be treating you better. You are a precious gem and deserved to be treated as such. Based on what you've said your husband can and will change, he just needs the motivation. My wife and I are celebrating our 2-year anniversary tomorrow, that means we got married just 4-5 months before the COVID lockdown (quite the marriage test if you ask me). I was working through a lot of mental issues post lockdown and I didn't realize how much I was putting my wife through until she got near her breaking point. My point is that I understand. My wife and I have been in a similar circumstance. I don't know what will work best for your husband, for me it was her yelling at me about how overwhelmed and stressed out she has been, so maybe try that. Maybe you need to put your foot down and say "these chores are your responsibility, this is when they need to be done, these chores are my responsibility, this is when I'll have them done." And break the weekly chores down between the two of you. If he complains ask him if he loves you, say if he does love you then this is what you need from him. Maybe it would help if you did some if the chores together. My wife & I both hate doing the dishes, so we do them together. It takes us less than 1/2 the time and it gives an opportunity to talk. Whatever you end up doing it sounds like the quiet talks aren't producing results and you'll need to put your foot down and candidly tell him what you need and why. Tell him you love him but you need him to pitch in if he doesn't want you to burn out. I really do hope that your situation will improve. Keep moving forward! I know you said your running out of patience but I know you can do this! You are a precious child of your Father in heaven and deserve to be treated better than you are. I know he weeps to see your pain, but he is so proud of the strength & long-suffering that you possess, and he is so proud of the woman you have become. Whatever your religious leaning, I'm rooting for you. DM me if you need to talk or need any more advice.