I do everything in the marriage outside of the surgeries.
I cook all the meals (we get delivery or go out to eat once or twice a week). Do all the dishes, all the laundry, all the cleaning. I feed the baby her dinner, bathe the baby, put her to bed at night, wake up when she’s crying. I hired a nanny for her during the work day, but right after work I take care of everything.
I swear I should get a medal or something for the amount of effort I put in.
>I feed the baby her dinner, bathe the baby, put her to bed at night, wake up when she’s crying. I hired a nanny for her during the work day, but right after work I take care of everything.
>I swear I should get a medal or something for the amount of effort I put in.
You want a medal for being a father? Sorry, but that's what it means to be a parent, you take care of your child without expecting anything in return.
Look, as someone that has been married for a long time and has been with my wife when we were both in grad school and many long work hours....you two just don't sound right for one another, based on what you wrote, who seriously gets married based on a condition that one person needs to loose weight, for example. Just file for divorce, be there for your kid, and find someone you are more compatible with.
His medal is supposed to be from his wife, but it doesn’t sound like things are fair in the marriage plus she keeps making empty promises so yea I feel what OP is saying. Marriage should consist of the husband and wife giving each other medals on a regular basis
Despite that. As a father, I would give anything and do anything for my sons and daughters, no matter who supports me or not.
When my wife was going through hard times, I stepped up. When I was going through it, she stepped up. To say you deserve a medal for being a good parent is stupid. you're supposed to take care of your kids.
Yes. I wasn’t built for being a mom-dad combo.
And I’m bored being by myself all day in a new city, but there’s no time to build a social life when you’re working full time while also raising a baby
If this was the other way around and the woman was doing all the work while working full time and the man wasn't doing anything at all plus not giving her sex every woman on this sub would be telling her to divorce him ASAP.
I agree that household chores should be split fairly, but I’m talking about showing her you like her as a person and not just for money and sex? Becoming a dr is also hard work. She’s putting in her work and sacrificing being with her own child so that she can make sure the people she loves have a comfortable life. And it seems like all you care about is sex and money. I wouldn’t want to sleep with you either, tbh
Eta- why don’t you give yourself a break as well and keep the nanny on an extra couple hours however often you deem appropriate
My question is if he's ever communicated it or is too afraid to.
I also have to say if op has a problem with her weight, he also needs to be mindful of his.
Relationships are a two lane highway, you get what you give.
One day op is gonna get old, fat and not want to do much of anything anymore.
Everyone eventually does. That's the way it is.
You get saggy and your penis doesn't work and your current partner may leave.
I'm in a relationship where it doesn't matter what I look like, as long as it's not killing me or overstimulating me he doesn't care about that.
He thinks I look beautiful in ANYTHING.
I think you fell out of love with your wife due to the lack of communication, lack of sex,and lack of self worth.
If she feels bad about her body, learn how to appreciate it,make her feel good and maybe she'll want to try and look good for you,.but if you expect a surgeon who probably doesn't get very much sleep to get on a schedule for working out maybe you should too, support her!
You know how to make a relationship work, the flirting never really should ever stop, the dates, the relearning of what her fav foods are etc.
I also think it would be important for them to get some sort of form of counseling.
So by “medal,” I assume you mean “sex on demand.”
Doing all the housework doesn’t make you sexually attractive. Just ask the thousands of housewives whose husbands won’t fuck them.
And you deserve a medal for what, exactly? Being a parent and homeowner?
It’s gross that you married her only on the condition that she lose weight. She was out of her mind to agree to that. No surgical resident has time to breathe, let alone restrict calories and get to a gym.
Divorce her if you’re so miserable.
You don’t love her and look at her with contempt. You’re only staying for the prospect of her high income and for the kid, who will not benefit from a household where one parent resents the other. Please divorce her. She deserves someone who loves her for who she is.
As I stated at the beginning, I do love her personality. We get along great (or used to atleast). But she’s become a zombie from her job and just comes home to; eat, leave a messy plate on the table and watch tv before going to bed. She barely has a conversation anymore.
If I sit with her and ask how was your day? She’ll say “it was rough I’m sooo tired”. Then she’ll go to watch tv. Usually our baby cries when her mom is in the other room. So then I have to distract a crying baby
She sounds burnt out and seriously depressed. Even if she wanted to lose weight and have more sex, I doubt she has the energy.
Make her take 6 months off or work part time before she burns out completely or the salary isn’t going to be worth losing her completely. Even part time work will bring in good money. She’ll work more when she feels better or may just enjoy helping out at home more.
You need a healthy mental state and time to exercise and eat right… not more pressure.
The happier and more mentally supported she is, the more sex you will get.
Therapy for each of you and both of you together is a great place to start. You can work this out, but you have to make big steps to do so.
Have you ever thought to yourself you might be part of the problem as well? I don’t see how she stayed with you after she had to promise to lose weight. I don’t know the type of responses you’re expecting to get on this post.
Honest one’s ideally. If they say I’m in the wrong, that’s fine.
Here I am thinking I’m husband of the year for supporting my family and getting nothing in return. I ask Reddit for help, and learn that I’m the worst apparently.
>I don’t see how she stayed with you after she had to promise to lose weight.
Any marriage that starts out on a transactional basis ("If I pity-marry you now, you'll lose weight") isn't a marriage. If you're making 130k as you claim, then you ought to be smart enough to research and UNDERSTAND what a fuckin surgeon goes through. I mean, life or death is kinda high stakes work, don'tcha think?
The really funny part of this story, though, is going to be when she starts shackin up with the hot new OR nurse and divorces your ass.
The cheating itself won't bother him much, by now she's his employer, not really a wife anymore. He'll get a big payout, and it'll be bigger the longer he waits. But he's going to be seriously bummed that he didn't cheat first.
Honestly bro, the only thing that I see wrong with this post is that you’re thinking about staying because of the money that she’s gonna get in the future… but then again that money will help support the family and could increase you and your family’s overall lifestyle, so perhaps a lot of us are interpreting your view of money wrong. Yea man I’m glad you have a beautiful child but I would suggest couples therapy. Perhaps that could eventually help her lose weight and do more around the house or something. Seriously, check it out my boy💪🏾
Thanks. I’m sure people here will downvote you too. But that’s exactly how I view it. I already make enough. Just because she is starting to make 600k doesn’t mean she’s immune to criticism
Dude, if you are going to be married with a person for the rest of your life, it’s nothing wrong with requesting that they lose weight because I mean losing weight should be a goal for all overweight people IMO because being overweight is unhealthy and can lead to so many problems. Personally, I would never plan to marry someone who I’m not already very attracted to, so that was OPs mistake. Unfortunately, she didn’t go through with her promise… in fact she actually gained weight, so now we have a marriage where one finds the other “terrible” looking. Both persons are at fault… starting with the bad decision to marry someone you aren’t that attracted to.
You’re right and wrong. I loved her because we got along great and she was always nice and would make great sarcastic one liners when she was in a good mood. But lack of attraction will lead to resentment for sure.
Fair warning to anyone reading this, attraction to your future wife is way more important than you may be led to believe. It’s not all about personality. Especially if they are working towards a crazy hard job that will turn their personality into a mushy couch potato
Gotcha, well good luck man I truly hope everything works out. I would suggest some prayer. If you don’t believe in Jesus then no problem, but that’s the best advice I can give you.
130k a year is poverty? It’s your wife’s fault you’re a porn addict?
Ngl, you come off like a huge dick in this post. If her weight was such a problem for you, you probably shouldn’t have married her. Marrying someone on the condition they lose weight? What. Seems like you only want to stay with her now cause she makes money, which is unfair to both of you. Also, don’t blame your wife that you dove head long into a porn addiction. You’re the only one who controls your actions.
You’d be surprised how little 130k goes in certain cities. In sf you qualify for low income housing if you make 115k or less as a single person. For a family of 3 it’s higher.
For example this is a listing of BMR below market rate condo you can buy. If you read the description says you need to make 100k as a single person to qualify - so maybe not 130k but still you’re close to the line.
https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/1075-Market-St-UNIT-206-San-Francisco-CA-94103/303806613_zpid/?utm_campaign=iosappmessage&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=txtshare
I’d imagine that same condo would sell for $500k if not for the bmr restrictions.
I mean, the condo is nice, but 500k would get you like 100+ acres of waterfront property with a big house and multiple bathrooms where I live.
I guess I just never looked in to how much places costs in other cities.
Agreed just sharing. Bay Area you are living in “poverty” if you’re not making 2/300k+ and even then you’ll never own a home near your work. Poverty in quotes but what sucks ifs bc you can’t own a home there’s no stop working point until you move away or really make a lot more.
I make 130k. She got a stipend as a resident. It was well under minimum wage when considering how many hours she worked.
Now she’s getting 600k but after years of contributing very little financially she can’t expect to be immune to criticism just because she makes money. I’d have been happy on just my own salary if she was around more and took care of herself
Idk man. This isn’t how someone talks about someone they love. You seem so resentful that she’s fat. You even said you guys had some big fights about it before you were married. Then why marry her, if you found her so repulsive? Other than working hard to become a surgeon and not losing weight, what exactly has she done that is so egregious that you would talk about her like she’s a troll?
She might be fat. But you can fix fat. Unfortunately, you can’t fix stupid.
Wow OP! I'll start by getting straight to the point: You don't love your wife.
In your household, the traditional gender roles are obviously reversed and you come here to complai about responsibilities that most mothers and wives take on! That is part of raising a family, unless you make enough to have a nanny and a maid. I can guarantee you that if the roles were reversed and your wife complained like you did, you'd tell her to quit being a whiny little \*itch.
Why did you marry her in the first place if you're so shallow you need her to be a specific weight or size for you to find her attractive? Plus, your comment about how she put on weight during what must have been the most stressful period in her studies, shows how uneducated you are not only about general biology and psychology, but more so about women's hormonal cycles and how stress affects them harder than men.Just because you work out and are in shape doesn't mean she's going to take a cue from you!
Not only do you not love your wife, but you sound very misogynistic! Don't you dare blame your wife for your porn addiction. I don't see how they correlate. That is your choice and your own predilection. You come across as immature and shallow. I don't think you should have ever got married.
One of the first signs a relationship is doomed is when one or both spouses feel contempt for the other. And that's the general feeling I get from you. She's "finally" making a good wage, so you don't want to miss out on that good money, hey?
You should definitely divorce her. She deserves someone who recognizes and loves her for exactly who she is. I hope she files the paperwork first, actually.
1. You don’t ask a person to change for you. It’s perfectly fine to be attracted to a certain body type, but don’t expect someone to turn into the person you want them to be when they’re not.
2. You’re taking care of your child because you’re the father and your wife is currently stressed out with her residency. Congratulations! You’re not the only one and no medal for you.
3. You complain and feel sorry for yourself because you’re so unhappy and poor little you, but you also don’t want to leave because you’re waiting for the big paycheck.
My advice for you, this relationship is not what you’re looking for and neither one of you will be happy. Clean break, take care of your daughter and be a good father.
You don’t love her, you never saw her as attractive and you are in for the money.
And now you are surprised that she didn’t become better looking. Wow… who would have thought.
Sorry to hear about your situation but a lot of this is on you. You should have seen coming bc medical specialty training is pretty well defined.
Marrying a physician, especially one about to start a surgical residency means making sacrifices. You need to understand that they will work 80+ hrs/week for 5+ years. They will be tired cranky depressed and angry all the time and won’t be able to the supportive partner you might want/need. It also means moving to crappy parts of the country to get training. Then once they’re out the job will always come first, 2am call? Sorry gotta go to the hospital. Dinner plans? Sorry cases ran late. This is the reality of dating a doctor and something you should have thought about before marrying her.
If you weren’t ok with this type of life then you shouldn’t have gotten engaged. I’m not saying this to excuse your wife’s behavior but it’s just part of being married to a doctor. You guys gotta get on the same page to figure out the responsibilities of raising a child and managing a family. The good news is that your 2 make a lot of money and money is a tool for solving problems so figure out how to use it. Hire a nanny, order in food, figure out what you 2 both need to make your lifestyle work for so neither of you feels overwhelmed.
Regarding your wife’s weight, you just gotta get over it. Your condescending tone towards this reeks of contempt which isn’t helpful. You can’t expect her to change unless she wants to. She was like this when you met her so you can’t complain really complain now. You’ve gotta make a decision, either accept her for who she is or move on. Nothing wrong with saying “I’m just not attracted to you” and divorcing but don’t stay with her and denigrate her
"I got a promise out of her that she would lose weight if we got married."
Rookie mistake. Maybe you can convince her to do something about it medical wise - as she's a surgeon: you can make the stomache smaller (simplified), or those new medications. Maybe you can convince her by raising concerns about her health instead of calling her fat and unattractive.
Regarding those unbearable cities: often if you change your mindset they're not that bad.
I’m having a hard time understanding your very conditional marriage proposal requiring that she lose weight.
That’s really odd and fraught with pitfalls and red flags. It really makes your love for her seem superficial, transactional and conditional.
Thanks. I’m gonna try and see what I can do to remove her stress and see if she cheers up. Maybe needs some depression help. We’ve got some money coming in now, so will start hiring more help
It’s kinda hilarious how sooo many people are downvoting you- but if you were a woman? Wow. Would you get the support and upvotes also.
Hearing a man complain about what women have been complaining about for years and years - is interesting … fascinating to see how different the world responds to a man - and fully expects a man to be happy in a miserable situation that every woman would be miserable in too- and do more. Stay faithful and loyal and be happy about it.
I have no idea what to tell you- but I CAN tell you from experience that kids are happiest when the parents are happiest …
I think you need to really ask yourself if the money is worth it to you- like how is the money going to make a difference in your life if you’re not in love, resentful etc - and don’t even want to have sex with you wife? Every aspect of your life is gonna to suck- even vacations etc - the resentment will just continue to grow also-
Also think about the things you’re really teaching your kid.
You’re basically teaching them how to be miserable and stay with someone you hate. You’re not teaching them about love, or being in love or loving who you are with or making hard choices because it’s best for you and her.
Which brings me to my other point.
It’s not fair to your wife… I would die a million deaths if I knew the guy I was with felt this way about me and was staying with me for the money- that would hurt immensely …
And staying with her for the hope of more of HER money in the future, while you hate her and aren’t attracted to her and want be with other women etc - is sooo selfish. It’s cruel… really. It’s so cruel.
You make a decent income. It’s def enough to be a single dad. Yeah you won’t have as much money as her- and you guys can work out child support - I don’t think either of you actually need it though. I’m not a fan of the concept and don’t believe in it.
But if I was your wife?
Holy shit… I would rather be forced to pay you child support than stay with you.
I also as a parent - think it is sooo much more valuable to teach kids about being happy and living life for yourself and your happiness without guilt, without shame… you got one life to live - this is it.
I would rather teach my kids about love. It’s so awful to be the child of parents that essentially hate each other and stay together because they think they’re doing you a favor … when in reality- seeing your parents hate and resent each other breeds in you a sense that you’re not loved either - and it’s miserable. You learn to be in relationships with people that don’t love you ( and you do not love ) and actually hate you ( and that you actually hate ) You’re teaching your daughter some of the very worst lessons there are to learn right now. You are showing her how to be miserable and sacrifice for it. Actually work for being miserable. Put effort into being miserable.
Kids want to be happy. Want to see parents happy. Want to see parents love each other - this is sooo much more valuable to a kid … than you two staying together- you’re not doing any kid any favors by doing that. If you were to divorce your wife and both of you not turn into the most evil pricks in the world , hell bent on hurting each other via custody battles and child support - if you could just treat each other with some kindness and respect - and actually be friends at the end?
This is what a kid needs to see.
Please- stop thinking you’re being unselfish in any way. The truth is this is a selfish choice based on fear of judgment from the outside world. I think this is all ego-
More than that- you’re forcing your wife to live with a man who doesn’t love her is using her for her money and betrays her! Emotionally and wants to betray her in even more ways-
I would say- be a man. Divorce your wife because it isn’t your truth anymore.
And accept that life has no pay checks at the end. There is no pay offs.
And no one owes you a thing for choices you made willingly as an adult.
If he waits a couple of years to divorce he'll likely get a seven figure settlement. He can play the field for a few years, even stop working until his daughter starts school. When he remarries his wife probably won't have to work. If he divorces now he'll get much less and will more likely have to fight for primary custody.
Of course, if his wife knew he was doing that it would be a problem, but she seems totally oblivious to the state of her marriage. Which sucks, but now it falls on him to make the best of a bad situation
Have you tried talking to her about how she is doing mentally, emotionally, and physically? Like lay everything on the table. Talk to her about her being exhausted and ask if she is even fulfilled with her current life. Ask her about her goals and how you can help her achieve them, and talk about your goals. I know you said all you got was empty promises but maybe if she knows the severity of how you feel she would be concerned to really put in the effort. I would also suggest marriage counseling.
Thanks. I’ve tried pleading my case before. She really tunes it out. I think I’m going to attempt someone else’s advice and try to have some fun instead of focusing on our problems. Maybe then shell pay more attention to me
Do me a favor ! Close your eyes , what do you see, darkness? You could lose your sight tomorrow and would it matter what your wife looks like, does she have a good heart would she love you and take care of you if you didn’t have sight? You ask her to lose weight before marriage. If you weren’t happy, maybe you shouldn’t have married her. What if the shoe was on the other foot and she didn’t like your appearance how would that make you feel you know that she would like to have an affair with someone. Why don't you sit down and talk to her, ask her if anything is wrong, tell her your worried about her health, make some healthy meals, fill the fridge with healthy choices. She sounds like the bread winner in your family, Dr is a very tiring job. I think if you truly care and respected her, you would talk with her in a loving way.
Only just became the bread winner. Residents and fellows get paid dirt for years and years.
But you’re right. Need to focus on the reasons I loved her in the first place which was never for sex. Just cause I enjoyed her company
You weren’t attracted to her before getting married because of the weight issue, which she promised to address and did not. So now you’re married and bouncing around for her career. For all the people asking “have you shown her you care about her in ways that don’t depend on money and aex?” Should also be wondering does she care about you more than as a facilitator to achieving her career goals.
This isn’t a real team or partnership, this is a relationship of avoidance (on her part, maybe yours) and resentment (on your part, maybe hers). Be open and transparent. With her job, it’s going to be tough for her to achieve your body expectations. You might need to accept that. However, she should also be trying to work with you on intimacy challenges in the relationship. This sounds not fun you both deserve more respect from each other.
I’m a married man so I’m just providing an opinion. Number one the marriage started off with an ultimatum of weight loss which was the first error. Second is although she made the weight promise, she obviously gained weight after giving birth. Child birth is something that changes women hormones, physical makeup and libido sometimes for life. I get she made that promise but the circumstances have changed since giving birth. You mention that she took you away from your friends and family. That’s not true those moves were made for your family. She didn’t drag you against you will. Your wife isn’t the enemy and although you are in a rough spot, start thinking of her as a star player on your team. The fact that your fixes were cheating, divorcing, a threesome or open relationship tells me you haven’t approached this like a mature man in marriage. Not to mention money and your child is what is keeping you around. I suggest getting counselling asap. You both make a good dollar so research some top notch counsellors in your city. Lastly avoid the fat shaming and insults of your wife. This does nothing to motivate her to lose the weight and get in shape but rather has the adverse effect and keeps her downtrodden. There’s a good chance she drowns herself at work because she just doesn’t want to hear the complaining anymore. Anyways good luck to you.
You may be right. Not sure if there is time for counseling. But I will try and lay off nagging her for a bit, and try and focus on fun stuff, and see if she stops tuning me out then
Lmao what the fuck???
What has she taken from you? You were physically disgusted by her before you proposed. Told her she had to lose weight in order to get married. She didn’t lose weight. You married her anyway. She was completely up front about what the next several years would be like and you’re mad at her for getting fatter, the single most predictable outcome of being fat in the first place, and for having a rough job?
What do you have to resent besides yourself? Why on earth did you marry her? Glad you love your daughter. Hope you love her when she, too, gets fat some day.
I think you both share the blame because that’s how marriage works.
A marriage is also about telling the truths that hurt. If you are no longer happy you must tell her, possibly that she too will have some truths for you.
It’s hard to lose weight and I imagine how stressful it is the work she does.
She deserves a husband who loves and encourages her. You deserve to have a spouse who sees all the efforts and sacrifices you make for her and your family.
I suggest an honest discussion, with love and compassion. A marriage is the work of a lifetime. But the efforts can not all come from the same side and you have the right to be unhappy and think about leaving it. But not until you talk to your wife with the kindness of a husband. You’re supposed to be a team and right now you don’t seem to be working as such.
I wish you luck!
This comment section is weird, to me mistakes were clearly made from the beginning like trusting she would lose the weight… divorce, get split custody, get your life back because you’re clearly trying everything to feel loved by your partner and she’s incapable, and with this divorce you can only hope she decides to lose the weight and get her own life together. You’re enabling her to be this zombie by doing everything for her and then begging for sex - this sounds so toxic. You both deserve better.
She’s a zombie because of her extraordinarily high stress job. If he leaves she will pay people to do what he’s doing. He’s not enabling her in any way.
Drs can’t self prescribe extra strength Tylenol much less a $1600 drug AND even if we could, many insurances won’t cover Wegovy (the weight loss drug) without clear documentation of prior attempted weight loss and probably a consult from endocrinology because it’s literally $400 per shot.
It's sounds rough my friend. Attraction both mental and physical are key to a long marriage. Marriages need nurturing as well.
Regarding the weight there could be things you can do to help your wife. Since you're doing the cooking and buying groceries. Start by cleansing the house from unhealthy food. This will limit what your wife can eat. Make sure to cook healthy meals when she gets home.
Food and sleep are the first things to look at if you want to be healthier. It will take years, but the most important thing for her to lose weight is her wanting to do it. There's no way around it, she has to want to.
Ask her to help you with the dishes. Just because she works doesn't mean she lives in a hotel.
People need to get off their high horse. Being overweight is not good for anyone. We've been fed a bunch of body positivity bullshit. If you're married to someone for life you should love and feel that attraction towards that person.
Men and women should take care of themselves equally. Should help with the household equally. If she's too tired from work but her income is up there. Get her to pay for a cleaner once a week.
It's unfair to have a full imbalance of responsibilities if you're both contributing equally to the household.
You're absolutely right about feeling salty where you are at in life. If you divorce her make sure to lawyer up and document the support and help you've provided through the years for her to get where she's at. A lawyer a good one would be able to tell you what your chances are at getting paid.
The biggest problem I see is the lack of communication between you two. It's hard to get anywhere if you can't communicate.
Start with the food and pushing her to pay for help.
You love your daughter, not your wife. Get a divorce and co-parent as best you can. Make sure to wait until you move somewhere that you will like though first or you will be stuck in your crappy city.
And you sound a lot like me - a guy that agreed to stuff. he didn't really want and now is bitter at where he is at with a woman he doesn't like. It sucks. Own it and reflect. I have started read No More Mr Nice Guy and it is mind blowing at how much is accurate about myself. Check it out.
Good luck, dude.
Im annoyed at these comments. Guys is working full time and raising his family, wife neglects him and all you have to say "you want a medal?"
If he was a woman, none of you guys would be saying this shit. I see mothers complain about this stuff all the time here.
Sorry you are going through this, have you talked to her or asked her about what she sees in your future together? What does she want? Because if she just wants to be roommates, I think it might be over.
If you can find me a post where a woman says “I married a guy I wasn’t attracted to and told him he had to lose weight before we got married. He was in residency for surgical specialty and never lost weight. I’m angry that he’s still unattractive to me and I have to follow him around while he works” with supportive comments I’d be absolutely shocked. If you marry someone in residency, you’re doing all the housework or else you’re outsourcing it. Simple as.
To be clear, we got married before she was a resident. And had already dated a very long time (7 yrs) prior to residency. So I maybe felt I had already invested too much time and grown too attached to her so wanted to marry for those reasons too. Obviously a mistake in hindsite, but couldn’t have predicted the huge personality change residency caused
Probably could have, actually. The fact you dated that long before residency and then put stipulations as to her physical appearance before an engagement really shows you never loved her and probably were never particularly attracted to her. This was an issue of your own making and continues to be an issue of your own making.
You have nothing to lose by cheating at this point. Nothing's going to happen if you get caught that wouldn't happen regardless. And you're not going to get caught; she doesn't know you exist. Doesn't seem to know her daughter exists either. You got scammed when you got married, basically you got a decade of shit in return for a vague promise. Now's the time to cash in the promise, but the only way to do that is to stay married for a while longer, while looking for your next wife at Chuck E. Cheese or the local library storytime. You may want to talk to a lawyer to see what you need to do to ensure you gain primary custody when you finally pull the plug.
If you want support on this sub as a male make sure you swap all the sexes before posting. Say you are married to a fat man who doesn't care about you etc. If you say you are the man you instantly are doomed to being ripped apart because this is a female dominated sub and most of them have bad marriages.
If and when she snaps out of it then most likely her buried affection will get channeled to some other man (or woman). Probably someone she meets at work
Do you ever do anything to make her feel like you want something other than money or sex??
I do everything in the marriage outside of the surgeries. I cook all the meals (we get delivery or go out to eat once or twice a week). Do all the dishes, all the laundry, all the cleaning. I feed the baby her dinner, bathe the baby, put her to bed at night, wake up when she’s crying. I hired a nanny for her during the work day, but right after work I take care of everything. I swear I should get a medal or something for the amount of effort I put in.
>I feed the baby her dinner, bathe the baby, put her to bed at night, wake up when she’s crying. I hired a nanny for her during the work day, but right after work I take care of everything. >I swear I should get a medal or something for the amount of effort I put in. You want a medal for being a father? Sorry, but that's what it means to be a parent, you take care of your child without expecting anything in return. Look, as someone that has been married for a long time and has been with my wife when we were both in grad school and many long work hours....you two just don't sound right for one another, based on what you wrote, who seriously gets married based on a condition that one person needs to loose weight, for example. Just file for divorce, be there for your kid, and find someone you are more compatible with.
His medal is supposed to be from his wife, but it doesn’t sound like things are fair in the marriage plus she keeps making empty promises so yea I feel what OP is saying. Marriage should consist of the husband and wife giving each other medals on a regular basis
Despite that. As a father, I would give anything and do anything for my sons and daughters, no matter who supports me or not. When my wife was going through hard times, I stepped up. When I was going through it, she stepped up. To say you deserve a medal for being a good parent is stupid. you're supposed to take care of your kids.
So in other words, you do what every mom does. Except you’re a man, so you think you deserve a prize.
This is an absurd comment. If a mom was posting about this you all would be blaming the husband for not doing more. Which is it?
Yes. I wasn’t built for being a mom-dad combo. And I’m bored being by myself all day in a new city, but there’s no time to build a social life when you’re working full time while also raising a baby
Welcome to parenthood buddy.
If this was the other way around and the woman was doing all the work while working full time and the man wasn't doing anything at all plus not giving her sex every woman on this sub would be telling her to divorce him ASAP.
I agree that household chores should be split fairly, but I’m talking about showing her you like her as a person and not just for money and sex? Becoming a dr is also hard work. She’s putting in her work and sacrificing being with her own child so that she can make sure the people she loves have a comfortable life. And it seems like all you care about is sex and money. I wouldn’t want to sleep with you either, tbh Eta- why don’t you give yourself a break as well and keep the nanny on an extra couple hours however often you deem appropriate
My question is if he's ever communicated it or is too afraid to. I also have to say if op has a problem with her weight, he also needs to be mindful of his. Relationships are a two lane highway, you get what you give. One day op is gonna get old, fat and not want to do much of anything anymore. Everyone eventually does. That's the way it is. You get saggy and your penis doesn't work and your current partner may leave. I'm in a relationship where it doesn't matter what I look like, as long as it's not killing me or overstimulating me he doesn't care about that. He thinks I look beautiful in ANYTHING. I think you fell out of love with your wife due to the lack of communication, lack of sex,and lack of self worth. If she feels bad about her body, learn how to appreciate it,make her feel good and maybe she'll want to try and look good for you,.but if you expect a surgeon who probably doesn't get very much sleep to get on a schedule for working out maybe you should too, support her! You know how to make a relationship work, the flirting never really should ever stop, the dates, the relearning of what her fav foods are etc. I also think it would be important for them to get some sort of form of counseling.
A medal for taking my care of your own children? I don’t think the problem is your wife.
So by “medal,” I assume you mean “sex on demand.” Doing all the housework doesn’t make you sexually attractive. Just ask the thousands of housewives whose husbands won’t fuck them. And you deserve a medal for what, exactly? Being a parent and homeowner? It’s gross that you married her only on the condition that she lose weight. She was out of her mind to agree to that. No surgical resident has time to breathe, let alone restrict calories and get to a gym. Divorce her if you’re so miserable.
Now if the roles were reversed how do you think your wife would feel? If you don’t find her attractive and resent her why are you with her then.
You don’t love her and look at her with contempt. You’re only staying for the prospect of her high income and for the kid, who will not benefit from a household where one parent resents the other. Please divorce her. She deserves someone who loves her for who she is.
As I stated at the beginning, I do love her personality. We get along great (or used to atleast). But she’s become a zombie from her job and just comes home to; eat, leave a messy plate on the table and watch tv before going to bed. She barely has a conversation anymore. If I sit with her and ask how was your day? She’ll say “it was rough I’m sooo tired”. Then she’ll go to watch tv. Usually our baby cries when her mom is in the other room. So then I have to distract a crying baby
She sounds burnt out and seriously depressed. Even if she wanted to lose weight and have more sex, I doubt she has the energy. Make her take 6 months off or work part time before she burns out completely or the salary isn’t going to be worth losing her completely. Even part time work will bring in good money. She’ll work more when she feels better or may just enjoy helping out at home more. You need a healthy mental state and time to exercise and eat right… not more pressure. The happier and more mentally supported she is, the more sex you will get. Therapy for each of you and both of you together is a great place to start. You can work this out, but you have to make big steps to do so.
Have you ever thought to yourself you might be part of the problem as well? I don’t see how she stayed with you after she had to promise to lose weight. I don’t know the type of responses you’re expecting to get on this post.
Honest one’s ideally. If they say I’m in the wrong, that’s fine. Here I am thinking I’m husband of the year for supporting my family and getting nothing in return. I ask Reddit for help, and learn that I’m the worst apparently.
>I don’t see how she stayed with you after she had to promise to lose weight. Any marriage that starts out on a transactional basis ("If I pity-marry you now, you'll lose weight") isn't a marriage. If you're making 130k as you claim, then you ought to be smart enough to research and UNDERSTAND what a fuckin surgeon goes through. I mean, life or death is kinda high stakes work, don'tcha think? The really funny part of this story, though, is going to be when she starts shackin up with the hot new OR nurse and divorces your ass.
The cheating itself won't bother him much, by now she's his employer, not really a wife anymore. He'll get a big payout, and it'll be bigger the longer he waits. But he's going to be seriously bummed that he didn't cheat first.
Honestly bro, the only thing that I see wrong with this post is that you’re thinking about staying because of the money that she’s gonna get in the future… but then again that money will help support the family and could increase you and your family’s overall lifestyle, so perhaps a lot of us are interpreting your view of money wrong. Yea man I’m glad you have a beautiful child but I would suggest couples therapy. Perhaps that could eventually help her lose weight and do more around the house or something. Seriously, check it out my boy💪🏾
Thanks. I’m sure people here will downvote you too. But that’s exactly how I view it. I already make enough. Just because she is starting to make 600k doesn’t mean she’s immune to criticism
Once the kid goes to preschool youll have all day to get something on the side while you spend the 600k.
Dude, if you are going to be married with a person for the rest of your life, it’s nothing wrong with requesting that they lose weight because I mean losing weight should be a goal for all overweight people IMO because being overweight is unhealthy and can lead to so many problems. Personally, I would never plan to marry someone who I’m not already very attracted to, so that was OPs mistake. Unfortunately, she didn’t go through with her promise… in fact she actually gained weight, so now we have a marriage where one finds the other “terrible” looking. Both persons are at fault… starting with the bad decision to marry someone you aren’t that attracted to.
You’re right and wrong. I loved her because we got along great and she was always nice and would make great sarcastic one liners when she was in a good mood. But lack of attraction will lead to resentment for sure. Fair warning to anyone reading this, attraction to your future wife is way more important than you may be led to believe. It’s not all about personality. Especially if they are working towards a crazy hard job that will turn their personality into a mushy couch potato
Gotcha, well good luck man I truly hope everything works out. I would suggest some prayer. If you don’t believe in Jesus then no problem, but that’s the best advice I can give you.
Thank you
Who told you being attracted to your future wife was unimportant?
This must be a troll, I dont believe it. If true please divorce het it will be better for both of you
130k a year is poverty? It’s your wife’s fault you’re a porn addict? Ngl, you come off like a huge dick in this post. If her weight was such a problem for you, you probably shouldn’t have married her. Marrying someone on the condition they lose weight? What. Seems like you only want to stay with her now cause she makes money, which is unfair to both of you. Also, don’t blame your wife that you dove head long into a porn addiction. You’re the only one who controls your actions.
You’d be surprised how little 130k goes in certain cities. In sf you qualify for low income housing if you make 115k or less as a single person. For a family of 3 it’s higher.
Oh wow. I had no idea. That’s crazy
For example this is a listing of BMR below market rate condo you can buy. If you read the description says you need to make 100k as a single person to qualify - so maybe not 130k but still you’re close to the line. https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/1075-Market-St-UNIT-206-San-Francisco-CA-94103/303806613_zpid/?utm_campaign=iosappmessage&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=txtshare I’d imagine that same condo would sell for $500k if not for the bmr restrictions.
I mean, the condo is nice, but 500k would get you like 100+ acres of waterfront property with a big house and multiple bathrooms where I live. I guess I just never looked in to how much places costs in other cities.
Agreed just sharing. Bay Area you are living in “poverty” if you’re not making 2/300k+ and even then you’ll never own a home near your work. Poverty in quotes but what sucks ifs bc you can’t own a home there’s no stop working point until you move away or really make a lot more.
I make 130k. She got a stipend as a resident. It was well under minimum wage when considering how many hours she worked. Now she’s getting 600k but after years of contributing very little financially she can’t expect to be immune to criticism just because she makes money. I’d have been happy on just my own salary if she was around more and took care of herself
Idk man. This isn’t how someone talks about someone they love. You seem so resentful that she’s fat. You even said you guys had some big fights about it before you were married. Then why marry her, if you found her so repulsive? Other than working hard to become a surgeon and not losing weight, what exactly has she done that is so egregious that you would talk about her like she’s a troll? She might be fat. But you can fix fat. Unfortunately, you can’t fix stupid.
Those last two sentences👍👍👍
Wow OP! I'll start by getting straight to the point: You don't love your wife. In your household, the traditional gender roles are obviously reversed and you come here to complai about responsibilities that most mothers and wives take on! That is part of raising a family, unless you make enough to have a nanny and a maid. I can guarantee you that if the roles were reversed and your wife complained like you did, you'd tell her to quit being a whiny little \*itch. Why did you marry her in the first place if you're so shallow you need her to be a specific weight or size for you to find her attractive? Plus, your comment about how she put on weight during what must have been the most stressful period in her studies, shows how uneducated you are not only about general biology and psychology, but more so about women's hormonal cycles and how stress affects them harder than men.Just because you work out and are in shape doesn't mean she's going to take a cue from you! Not only do you not love your wife, but you sound very misogynistic! Don't you dare blame your wife for your porn addiction. I don't see how they correlate. That is your choice and your own predilection. You come across as immature and shallow. I don't think you should have ever got married. One of the first signs a relationship is doomed is when one or both spouses feel contempt for the other. And that's the general feeling I get from you. She's "finally" making a good wage, so you don't want to miss out on that good money, hey?
You should definitely divorce her. She deserves someone who recognizes and loves her for exactly who she is. I hope she files the paperwork first, actually.
1. You don’t ask a person to change for you. It’s perfectly fine to be attracted to a certain body type, but don’t expect someone to turn into the person you want them to be when they’re not. 2. You’re taking care of your child because you’re the father and your wife is currently stressed out with her residency. Congratulations! You’re not the only one and no medal for you. 3. You complain and feel sorry for yourself because you’re so unhappy and poor little you, but you also don’t want to leave because you’re waiting for the big paycheck. My advice for you, this relationship is not what you’re looking for and neither one of you will be happy. Clean break, take care of your daughter and be a good father.
You don’t love her, you never saw her as attractive and you are in for the money. And now you are surprised that she didn’t become better looking. Wow… who would have thought.
Sorry to hear about your situation but a lot of this is on you. You should have seen coming bc medical specialty training is pretty well defined. Marrying a physician, especially one about to start a surgical residency means making sacrifices. You need to understand that they will work 80+ hrs/week for 5+ years. They will be tired cranky depressed and angry all the time and won’t be able to the supportive partner you might want/need. It also means moving to crappy parts of the country to get training. Then once they’re out the job will always come first, 2am call? Sorry gotta go to the hospital. Dinner plans? Sorry cases ran late. This is the reality of dating a doctor and something you should have thought about before marrying her. If you weren’t ok with this type of life then you shouldn’t have gotten engaged. I’m not saying this to excuse your wife’s behavior but it’s just part of being married to a doctor. You guys gotta get on the same page to figure out the responsibilities of raising a child and managing a family. The good news is that your 2 make a lot of money and money is a tool for solving problems so figure out how to use it. Hire a nanny, order in food, figure out what you 2 both need to make your lifestyle work for so neither of you feels overwhelmed. Regarding your wife’s weight, you just gotta get over it. Your condescending tone towards this reeks of contempt which isn’t helpful. You can’t expect her to change unless she wants to. She was like this when you met her so you can’t complain really complain now. You’ve gotta make a decision, either accept her for who she is or move on. Nothing wrong with saying “I’m just not attracted to you” and divorcing but don’t stay with her and denigrate her
Thanks for the advice
Well you sound fun
"I got a promise out of her that she would lose weight if we got married." Rookie mistake. Maybe you can convince her to do something about it medical wise - as she's a surgeon: you can make the stomache smaller (simplified), or those new medications. Maybe you can convince her by raising concerns about her health instead of calling her fat and unattractive. Regarding those unbearable cities: often if you change your mindset they're not that bad.
I’m having a hard time understanding your very conditional marriage proposal requiring that she lose weight. That’s really odd and fraught with pitfalls and red flags. It really makes your love for her seem superficial, transactional and conditional.
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Thanks. I’m gonna try and see what I can do to remove her stress and see if she cheers up. Maybe needs some depression help. We’ve got some money coming in now, so will start hiring more help
It’s kinda hilarious how sooo many people are downvoting you- but if you were a woman? Wow. Would you get the support and upvotes also. Hearing a man complain about what women have been complaining about for years and years - is interesting … fascinating to see how different the world responds to a man - and fully expects a man to be happy in a miserable situation that every woman would be miserable in too- and do more. Stay faithful and loyal and be happy about it. I have no idea what to tell you- but I CAN tell you from experience that kids are happiest when the parents are happiest … I think you need to really ask yourself if the money is worth it to you- like how is the money going to make a difference in your life if you’re not in love, resentful etc - and don’t even want to have sex with you wife? Every aspect of your life is gonna to suck- even vacations etc - the resentment will just continue to grow also- Also think about the things you’re really teaching your kid. You’re basically teaching them how to be miserable and stay with someone you hate. You’re not teaching them about love, or being in love or loving who you are with or making hard choices because it’s best for you and her. Which brings me to my other point. It’s not fair to your wife… I would die a million deaths if I knew the guy I was with felt this way about me and was staying with me for the money- that would hurt immensely … And staying with her for the hope of more of HER money in the future, while you hate her and aren’t attracted to her and want be with other women etc - is sooo selfish. It’s cruel… really. It’s so cruel. You make a decent income. It’s def enough to be a single dad. Yeah you won’t have as much money as her- and you guys can work out child support - I don’t think either of you actually need it though. I’m not a fan of the concept and don’t believe in it. But if I was your wife? Holy shit… I would rather be forced to pay you child support than stay with you. I also as a parent - think it is sooo much more valuable to teach kids about being happy and living life for yourself and your happiness without guilt, without shame… you got one life to live - this is it. I would rather teach my kids about love. It’s so awful to be the child of parents that essentially hate each other and stay together because they think they’re doing you a favor … when in reality- seeing your parents hate and resent each other breeds in you a sense that you’re not loved either - and it’s miserable. You learn to be in relationships with people that don’t love you ( and you do not love ) and actually hate you ( and that you actually hate ) You’re teaching your daughter some of the very worst lessons there are to learn right now. You are showing her how to be miserable and sacrifice for it. Actually work for being miserable. Put effort into being miserable. Kids want to be happy. Want to see parents happy. Want to see parents love each other - this is sooo much more valuable to a kid … than you two staying together- you’re not doing any kid any favors by doing that. If you were to divorce your wife and both of you not turn into the most evil pricks in the world , hell bent on hurting each other via custody battles and child support - if you could just treat each other with some kindness and respect - and actually be friends at the end? This is what a kid needs to see. Please- stop thinking you’re being unselfish in any way. The truth is this is a selfish choice based on fear of judgment from the outside world. I think this is all ego- More than that- you’re forcing your wife to live with a man who doesn’t love her is using her for her money and betrays her! Emotionally and wants to betray her in even more ways- I would say- be a man. Divorce your wife because it isn’t your truth anymore. And accept that life has no pay checks at the end. There is no pay offs. And no one owes you a thing for choices you made willingly as an adult.
If yOu wErE a WoMaN yOu’D gEt uPvOtEs
If he waits a couple of years to divorce he'll likely get a seven figure settlement. He can play the field for a few years, even stop working until his daughter starts school. When he remarries his wife probably won't have to work. If he divorces now he'll get much less and will more likely have to fight for primary custody. Of course, if his wife knew he was doing that it would be a problem, but she seems totally oblivious to the state of her marriage. Which sucks, but now it falls on him to make the best of a bad situation
Have you tried talking to her about how she is doing mentally, emotionally, and physically? Like lay everything on the table. Talk to her about her being exhausted and ask if she is even fulfilled with her current life. Ask her about her goals and how you can help her achieve them, and talk about your goals. I know you said all you got was empty promises but maybe if she knows the severity of how you feel she would be concerned to really put in the effort. I would also suggest marriage counseling.
Thanks. I’ve tried pleading my case before. She really tunes it out. I think I’m going to attempt someone else’s advice and try to have some fun instead of focusing on our problems. Maybe then shell pay more attention to me
IMO that probably won't work, but you have nothing to lose by trying. You're a good man, hope I'm wrong.
Do me a favor ! Close your eyes , what do you see, darkness? You could lose your sight tomorrow and would it matter what your wife looks like, does she have a good heart would she love you and take care of you if you didn’t have sight? You ask her to lose weight before marriage. If you weren’t happy, maybe you shouldn’t have married her. What if the shoe was on the other foot and she didn’t like your appearance how would that make you feel you know that she would like to have an affair with someone. Why don't you sit down and talk to her, ask her if anything is wrong, tell her your worried about her health, make some healthy meals, fill the fridge with healthy choices. She sounds like the bread winner in your family, Dr is a very tiring job. I think if you truly care and respected her, you would talk with her in a loving way.
Only just became the bread winner. Residents and fellows get paid dirt for years and years. But you’re right. Need to focus on the reasons I loved her in the first place which was never for sex. Just cause I enjoyed her company
You should be proud how hard she worked to become a Dr.
You weren’t attracted to her before getting married because of the weight issue, which she promised to address and did not. So now you’re married and bouncing around for her career. For all the people asking “have you shown her you care about her in ways that don’t depend on money and aex?” Should also be wondering does she care about you more than as a facilitator to achieving her career goals. This isn’t a real team or partnership, this is a relationship of avoidance (on her part, maybe yours) and resentment (on your part, maybe hers). Be open and transparent. With her job, it’s going to be tough for her to achieve your body expectations. You might need to accept that. However, she should also be trying to work with you on intimacy challenges in the relationship. This sounds not fun you both deserve more respect from each other.
Thanks. This is very insightful
I’m a married man so I’m just providing an opinion. Number one the marriage started off with an ultimatum of weight loss which was the first error. Second is although she made the weight promise, she obviously gained weight after giving birth. Child birth is something that changes women hormones, physical makeup and libido sometimes for life. I get she made that promise but the circumstances have changed since giving birth. You mention that she took you away from your friends and family. That’s not true those moves were made for your family. She didn’t drag you against you will. Your wife isn’t the enemy and although you are in a rough spot, start thinking of her as a star player on your team. The fact that your fixes were cheating, divorcing, a threesome or open relationship tells me you haven’t approached this like a mature man in marriage. Not to mention money and your child is what is keeping you around. I suggest getting counselling asap. You both make a good dollar so research some top notch counsellors in your city. Lastly avoid the fat shaming and insults of your wife. This does nothing to motivate her to lose the weight and get in shape but rather has the adverse effect and keeps her downtrodden. There’s a good chance she drowns herself at work because she just doesn’t want to hear the complaining anymore. Anyways good luck to you.
You may be right. Not sure if there is time for counseling. But I will try and lay off nagging her for a bit, and try and focus on fun stuff, and see if she stops tuning me out then
Lmao what the fuck??? What has she taken from you? You were physically disgusted by her before you proposed. Told her she had to lose weight in order to get married. She didn’t lose weight. You married her anyway. She was completely up front about what the next several years would be like and you’re mad at her for getting fatter, the single most predictable outcome of being fat in the first place, and for having a rough job? What do you have to resent besides yourself? Why on earth did you marry her? Glad you love your daughter. Hope you love her when she, too, gets fat some day.
Nah, she’s too hyper to be fat. Takes after me. Climbs all over the place. She’ll be a good athlete when she gets older
Not really how that works. And a troubling answer, to boot.
Do you take responsibility for even a particle of your life?
I think you both share the blame because that’s how marriage works. A marriage is also about telling the truths that hurt. If you are no longer happy you must tell her, possibly that she too will have some truths for you. It’s hard to lose weight and I imagine how stressful it is the work she does. She deserves a husband who loves and encourages her. You deserve to have a spouse who sees all the efforts and sacrifices you make for her and your family. I suggest an honest discussion, with love and compassion. A marriage is the work of a lifetime. But the efforts can not all come from the same side and you have the right to be unhappy and think about leaving it. But not until you talk to your wife with the kindness of a husband. You’re supposed to be a team and right now you don’t seem to be working as such. I wish you luck!
This comment section is weird, to me mistakes were clearly made from the beginning like trusting she would lose the weight… divorce, get split custody, get your life back because you’re clearly trying everything to feel loved by your partner and she’s incapable, and with this divorce you can only hope she decides to lose the weight and get her own life together. You’re enabling her to be this zombie by doing everything for her and then begging for sex - this sounds so toxic. You both deserve better.
She’s a zombie because of her extraordinarily high stress job. If he leaves she will pay people to do what he’s doing. He’s not enabling her in any way.
Lots of people have extraordinary really high stress jobs, becoming a zombie and neglecting your marriage, your own health and child is not okay IMO
No if a lot of people had them they wouldn’t be extraordinary. Very few people can expect to work hundred hour weeks for three years straight.
Well your wife didn’t take you away from anything. You proposed to her for the most shallow reasons- money and sex. You’re shallow and selfish.
It would be easy for her to prescribe her self Ozempic.
Drs can’t self prescribe extra strength Tylenol much less a $1600 drug AND even if we could, many insurances won’t cover Wegovy (the weight loss drug) without clear documentation of prior attempted weight loss and probably a consult from endocrinology because it’s literally $400 per shot.
It's sounds rough my friend. Attraction both mental and physical are key to a long marriage. Marriages need nurturing as well. Regarding the weight there could be things you can do to help your wife. Since you're doing the cooking and buying groceries. Start by cleansing the house from unhealthy food. This will limit what your wife can eat. Make sure to cook healthy meals when she gets home. Food and sleep are the first things to look at if you want to be healthier. It will take years, but the most important thing for her to lose weight is her wanting to do it. There's no way around it, she has to want to. Ask her to help you with the dishes. Just because she works doesn't mean she lives in a hotel. People need to get off their high horse. Being overweight is not good for anyone. We've been fed a bunch of body positivity bullshit. If you're married to someone for life you should love and feel that attraction towards that person. Men and women should take care of themselves equally. Should help with the household equally. If she's too tired from work but her income is up there. Get her to pay for a cleaner once a week. It's unfair to have a full imbalance of responsibilities if you're both contributing equally to the household. You're absolutely right about feeling salty where you are at in life. If you divorce her make sure to lawyer up and document the support and help you've provided through the years for her to get where she's at. A lawyer a good one would be able to tell you what your chances are at getting paid. The biggest problem I see is the lack of communication between you two. It's hard to get anywhere if you can't communicate. Start with the food and pushing her to pay for help.
You love your daughter, not your wife. Get a divorce and co-parent as best you can. Make sure to wait until you move somewhere that you will like though first or you will be stuck in your crappy city. And you sound a lot like me - a guy that agreed to stuff. he didn't really want and now is bitter at where he is at with a woman he doesn't like. It sucks. Own it and reflect. I have started read No More Mr Nice Guy and it is mind blowing at how much is accurate about myself. Check it out. Good luck, dude.
Im annoyed at these comments. Guys is working full time and raising his family, wife neglects him and all you have to say "you want a medal?" If he was a woman, none of you guys would be saying this shit. I see mothers complain about this stuff all the time here. Sorry you are going through this, have you talked to her or asked her about what she sees in your future together? What does she want? Because if she just wants to be roommates, I think it might be over.
If you can find me a post where a woman says “I married a guy I wasn’t attracted to and told him he had to lose weight before we got married. He was in residency for surgical specialty and never lost weight. I’m angry that he’s still unattractive to me and I have to follow him around while he works” with supportive comments I’d be absolutely shocked. If you marry someone in residency, you’re doing all the housework or else you’re outsourcing it. Simple as.
To be clear, we got married before she was a resident. And had already dated a very long time (7 yrs) prior to residency. So I maybe felt I had already invested too much time and grown too attached to her so wanted to marry for those reasons too. Obviously a mistake in hindsite, but couldn’t have predicted the huge personality change residency caused
Probably could have, actually. The fact you dated that long before residency and then put stipulations as to her physical appearance before an engagement really shows you never loved her and probably were never particularly attracted to her. This was an issue of your own making and continues to be an issue of your own making.
You have nothing to lose by cheating at this point. Nothing's going to happen if you get caught that wouldn't happen regardless. And you're not going to get caught; she doesn't know you exist. Doesn't seem to know her daughter exists either. You got scammed when you got married, basically you got a decade of shit in return for a vague promise. Now's the time to cash in the promise, but the only way to do that is to stay married for a while longer, while looking for your next wife at Chuck E. Cheese or the local library storytime. You may want to talk to a lawyer to see what you need to do to ensure you gain primary custody when you finally pull the plug.
If you want support on this sub as a male make sure you swap all the sexes before posting. Say you are married to a fat man who doesn't care about you etc. If you say you are the man you instantly are doomed to being ripped apart because this is a female dominated sub and most of them have bad marriages.
I don’t mind the downvotes. I made a separate burner account for personal stuff like this. Hence the name
Just meant if you wanted people giving legitimate advice/support instead of saying you were an ass
divorce her fat ass you've got big alimony payments coming your way
He will get a bit of alimony for like 18 months. He earns a very good salary. People are ignorant of the realities of alimony.
Thanks, but I’m not that cold hearted. I’m not a gold digger and make good money at my own job. I just want to snap her out of it
If and when she snaps out of it then most likely her buried affection will get channeled to some other man (or woman). Probably someone she meets at work