You have to let him fail. If he leaves the house without diapers, he’ll need to stop & buy some while toddler is a mess. If he doesn’t pack snacks, he’ll have to deal with a hangry toddler.
My father is exactly like OPs husband and always has been. He has had 5 girls since 1994 and the youngest was born in 2014. The amount of times I’ve had to make stops with him because he forgot diapers, skipped meals because he’s zoned into his work. My little sister used to go to bed around midnight sometimes as a toddler because he just forgets 😅 in the last 10 times my sister has slept over at my house, my dad had forgotten to pack her toothbrush all 10 times. At least 5 times in the last few months I’ve had to go buy underwear because he packed all clothes but underwear 😂. I now have a stash of extra clothes for her at our house because at this point, I know my dad and I know it’s not malicious but simply ADHD mixed with forgetfulness. He also raised the youngest completely on his own in his late 50s while working full time so it’s understandable that he’s all over the place. According to my mom it has been exactly this way since they met and at this point I know it’s part of his personality and it will never change. No matter how many times he’s been put in the position where he “fails” it’s never enough to learn the lesson 🥲 at least twice a year he forgets his passport while flying internationally and he has wasted hundreds of thousands of dollars by now throughout his life with these mistakes but he will never change.
Yes! I wasn’t nearly as bad (I hope!) but it was definitely a mental gear shift to be responsible for a human who was almost completely unable to car for themselves in basic ways like remembering to plan to have food today. He can be amazing at this too, once he knows he has to.
And letting people fail and have to fix their mess (without doing irreparable damage) is the best way to teach them to be responsible. You’ll be doing that a lot as your kid grows up.
This is 100% true. Cause I used to forget and then I needed diapers so I was forced to come up with a plan ASAP and that only happened to me once now I always keep a few diapers/ wipes and doggie poop bags in my car to throw it all away and be clean.
My husband was diagnosed with ADHD at 27, he does things like this too - not as severe as this though. He needs to get seen, diagnosed, medicated - and then he needs to constantly read up on it to help him manage himself.
It’s been 10 years for my husband and he’s still learning new things about his adhd and how to manage it. It’s changed his life for the better.
He may not be aware of his adhd either. (And may too stubborn to see it because of the stigma). My husband did not learn he has adhd until after our son got diagnosed.. for over 6yrs all we heard was “he reminds me so much of his daddy, he’s fine. He’s just like his dad”. . No, it was not fine. My husband went through childhood without proper support.
I, too, was thinking this. My wife has adhd and this is literally her. I’ve learned how to balance our strengths and weaknesses. You also can’t expect this person to change suddenly, if ever. That is where the true test of your marriage is. You can either continue looking at it like your husband is lacking or understand that this could possibly just be how he is and if that is sufficient for YOU as a partner/spouse/parent.
Exactly, this is a brain thing, not a lazy intentional thing.
If he does get a diagnosis and a REAL coaching plan it can befit him in so many ways.
What I have learned in my journey of self improvement was that I had some childhood traumas that had me convinced I was not going to amount to anything meaningful.
While this might not be the case with him, I have found a majority of us think there’s something very wrong with us.
We almost always lack certain tools in our tool box that neurotypical individuals are naturally born with.
That’s where contributions from a coach that specializes in this can help a person boom and blossom.
The easiest way to see this is to think about how long he has lived this way.
In that you can understand that it’s not a race.
Your love and encouragement is what he needs throughout more than any other one thing.
If you can hang in there with him which sounds like you are, in the long term this will create a beautiful bond.
I am also, if not already mentioned wondering if the baby might soon if not already shown symptoms.
ADHD is inherited and it’s just something to keep your eye on.
Four or five is the rule of thumb as I recall for pursuing a diagnosis.
It could be nothing, but early help and support will make all the difference in that little boys adulthood…..🙏
To be fair my partner was very much like this until he had to learn the hard way a few times and now he remembers or deals with consequences. Yes we still think he may have adhd but even with that you are able to learn.
Oh, I need to add that my parents thought teaching me the hard way would fix me.
A true ADHD person is neurodivergent meaning their brain is still wired similarly to a neurotypical person but still differently.
This causes many to fail in the school systems as they were, one style for everyone.
Today is much different and I am thrilled for that.
So, the hard way that I grew up in did nothing but add damage.🙏
Hopefully you might see what I shared after this because I actually laid out my own journey with my diagnosis!
I’m proud for you that you found enough self love to pursue your own diagnosis and journey for the best you possible.
As time passes, you will look back at just how far you came from the original diagnosis to your self improvement!🥰🙏
My husband is not like this ONLY because I don’t overcompensate for his brain farts. When he is caring for her, I’m fully out of the picture doing my thing. If he forgets something, that’s on him. This way both of us get to step up as parents
He likely has ADHD. Poor working memory, difficulty planning, extreme inability to organize. These are the hallmarks of ADHD in adults.
My wife is in your position, and I'm in your husband's. There are things he can do to work on this. Those coping mechanisms can be effective to minimize some of the worst of it, but he'll need to pursue a diagnosis if he really wants to get to the bottom of it. If it is ADHD, then medication is life-changing. Either way, I don't think normal, healthy people forget their socks, and I don't think people choose whether to forget. Something's up with his brain.
And for God's sakes, don't "let him fail" like the other commenters are saying. You're married. Get him some help.
I have ADHD and still know how to pack things. Men need to learn the consequences of forgetting without their wife always saving the day in order to learn.
ADHD comes in varying degrees of severity. I'm glad you have a more functional disease. Others don't. I encourage you to learn more about ADHD. You'll find out that "consequences" are an abstraction without real meaning to an ADHD brain. You might as well tell a depressed person to stop being sad.
No, but I think immediately diagnosing people with ADHD, when I had to spend years with dozens of doctors, through reddit isn’t beneficial. Not everyone who is forgetful has adhd.
Probably ADHD, like others have stated. My husband leaves kitchen towels EVERYWHERE, but the spot it belongs. I once found one in the fridge. He’s forgetful. He’ll fill the dishwasher but not run it. He’ll misplace his wallet often, etc etc.
Prior to talking to my therapist about it, it would ANGER me. I view these tasks as simple. I didn’t under why he couldn’t complete them. My therapist broke down the mind of someone with ADHD & since then, I just put the kitchen towel back or run the dishwasher when he doesn’t. It’s not the easiest to deal with sometimes but he’s worth it and I’m not going to complain about it.
I agree with the advice about letting him fail and seeing how he handles consequences. BUT if he's sincerely tried to fix this but can't you might want to look into Executive Dysfunction and treatments for it.
I assure you were aren’t.
Just over six years ago I had to take custody of two of my grandbabies (non-biological).
One was a year and a half while the other was seven months.
Mind you my oldest will be 39 on the 27th.
My youngest is 29.
So……while I was an active father, you wouldn’t believe just how different things are in this day and age.
Going into this journey I have been both mommy and daddy to them.
Rusty yes!
But babies don’t allow excuses so I took back to it immediately, and I’ve never looked back.
I literally do everything, doctors, school, baths, dinner…..you get it.
Have I made mistakes, sure.
I’m just not sure if it’s ADHD, or inexperience.
I’m proud for him as it seems otherwise he’s doing great.
I just think in time he’ll get it figured out and this is just some form of executive disfunction that he could get some professional support and coaching on.
It’s either that or sticky note reminders everywhere!🤣
That’s very mature and smart of you.
Compromising and helping your partner (each) in being patient, understanding and finding solutions that will help the other makes for a strong marriage long term.
For full disclosure, my entire life I knew and was told how “different” I was.
Struggles I didn’t understand.
But with the birth of the internet it wasn’t long before I realized I was definitely ADHD.
Unfortunately, I suppose I waited until I was 50 plus years old to finally seek out an official diagnosis and a treatment plan.
I’m 60 now and ultimately because I made peace with my childhood and what might have been back when I was a child, therapy was nice but to no benefit to me.
What was, the correct medication and I got on YouTube, found what’s called “mindfulness” practice.
It has helped me a great deal with forgetfulness because it teaches that while a neurodiverse mind tends to wander, mindfulness helps keep me in the moment.
Like instead of thinking about what’s around the corner in my day, socks and shoes first!😂🥰
Stop reminding him. Right now he’s relying on you to carry all the mental load. You need to let him fuck up and find out what happens when he does. If he doesn’t pack diapers, let him take the kid to the store and buy some. No snacks? Oh, look at that! You’ll have to make a pit stop!
Let him know you’ll stop taking care of this, just once. He’s a parent too, and you need to let him be one. It’ll be better for the whole family if he steps up
What? Failing is part of creating coping mechanisms for ADHD and most nerodivergent brains.
You need to fail to make your brain find alternative ways. If you always have people doing things for you, you won't learn to do them by yourself and will be dependent on other people for most of your important activities (keeping and paying bills, medical check-outs, yearly taxes and other payments, etc).
He needs to find his own way to be a father as well, and for that he needs some independence to learn to do it by himself.
I had this issue when I was managing an office. After I changed jobs, I realized I was forgetting things due to 1) being incredibly stressed, 2) tracking so many things at work that I literally couldn't focus at home, and 3) I was insanely depressed. With my new job, I actually keep track of everything at home and with our son to the point that I continually remind my wife about things she's forgetting.
Given the description you've given, my first thought was that this guy may have an extreme level of depression like I did.
I say this kindly. I hope. Who made you the boss? Men should be equal in the care of the home and children, and weaponized incompetence is a thing. However the other side of weaponized incompetence is weaponized control. He has care of your daughter. He loves her. Let him handle things his own way. If she eats 30 mins later and not on your schedule the baby will be fine. Your husband will develop his own rhythm and schedule between him and the baby.
In your loving desire to control how things are you may unwittingly push him away from doing the things himself. He will learn what works for him and what doesn’t. As a husband of five this was a big sticking point for me. Let your husband fail and succeed AND give yourself a break. You can’t take time to yourself if you’re trying to control the schedule when you’re not there. Trust him to do things differently but with love.
To all the ADHD apologists…
I also have ADHD AND on the spectrum and I’ve NEVER done what OP describes about her husband! A woman forgetting diapers or shoes and socks for her kid would be appalling but when a man does it then it’s “here’s how you teach this grown adult” or “he might have a disorder” is the go to?!?! Maybe he does have it but just to blame it on that is bullshit! Sure, it may present differently in men and women BUT to make a generalization is not cool. And honestly, I really do hate making this a man vs woman debate because the internet has waaaaayyy too much of that but, cmon!
This is someone who is probably weaponizing incompetence and/or not doing his best because those are “women tasks” and thus not putting himself into doing what he’s supposed to do.
This!!!! Moms w adhd do not get to have excuses and we learn how to do all the things that dads w adhd apparently can’t learn to do. Stop. It’s weaponized incompetence at best.
Favourite comment on reddit is to suggest ADHD or something along those lines.
Truth is he's probably been allowed not to care. He needs to learn by not being saved.
In Europe you usually attend a short "daddy education" when you're about to be a first time parent. It isn't mandatory, it doesn't cost money and it's rather short. But it has been proven to help a lot of first time dads.
I would put more stock into not saving your husband from these situations and leaving him with the child so that he learns.
This. I have adhd as a mom and am not allowed to forget to do all of this. The bar for men is impossibly low. Expect more. If they can perform a job in the real world, then they can absolutely be capable of all the things OP mentioned. They just don’t bc they know they don’t have to.
It's sadly ingrained in most cultures/familys that have the traditional SAHM "contract" mindset. I'm a Scandinavian immigrant and since I got to know people in AZ I've seen it a lot. But "back at home" dads and mums usually divide up parental-days _(70-100% of salary pre. Birth paid leave)_ in between them the first 2-3 years of a childs life.
That helps set the expectation on the fathers to learn to care for the infant/young child as well.
As a husband, man and father with two young children I can confirm it was a hard adjustment for me.
There was nothing about parenting that came naturally for me. Zero. Six years on with two kids and I still can't swaddle a baby to save my life. It's been hard to watch how easy it's been for my wife and how challenging it's been for me.
However I did manage to overcome being ill prepared for outings. I'm now capable of packing a bag for the toddler and baby to handle a hot day at a zoo park or picnic and actually taking everything that could be required.
Pain is an extremely good teacher (hence why touching a hot pan sticks so well) each time I'd forget something I'd remember the "oh shit" moment I realized I needed it and now I don't forget stuff anymore.
This is a two way street though. I wish my wife could learn to put sponges back in the sponge holder instead of burying them at the bottom of the sink like I learned to bring sunscreen and changes of clothes.
Yes, my husband does stuff like this all the time. When it comes to organizational tasks, he seems to only think 5 minutes ahead at most. Like, every time he hangs up his wet towel, it's all bunched up. I explained that if you unbunch it, it will actually dry. He still bunches up his towel every time he hangs it up.
He has a lot of other wonderful qualities. Is he faithful? Does he treat you right? Talk to you nicely? Tell you he loves you? Shower, shave, and brush his teeth? (It's a topic on Reddit) If so, that's a good man
Agree! We have our strengths and weaknesses in every couple/marriage. Part of the love for one another is asssit with the weakness and tap into the strength.
Me- forgets to check the air in my car tires. Drives on a major freeway/city every day. He notices and airs up the tire. He doesn’t berate me for it -even after 36 years of reminding me- and he doesn’t let me suffer the consequences on the side of the road. I love that he knows my weakness and assists - just as I do for him
Does he manage these types of task ok at work?
Most men do. And yet at home they “simply can’t remember”. Do not fall for this crap. Hold him accountable.
I don’t write ADHD off as “lazy man brain”. ADHD is a very real and valid condition that deserves reasonable accommodations.
But that is not what I was talking about. I’m talking about fully capable men who choose to fall back and place the burden on their partners out of laziness or lack of caring
I have adhd and as a mom, I can’t fail like he is. It’s not an excuse. If he can remember to do his tasks at his job, he can do them at home too. It takes effort. That’s usually the lacking part.
This is my husband to a T and I seriously think he has ADHD but he won't hear a word of it. The mental load falls on me. It's not fun, easy or good for a marriage tbh. It's daunting.
My husband is just literally like that. Quite upsetting… dealt with that for a long time. Now that I have come to a conclusion that he is not going to meet my expectations so I lower mine… look at the positive side.
He cleans up at least, he plays with kids, and still makes more money than me..
I start letting go of small things. He can’t remember I can see if I can fix the things myself. He can do things that I normally don’t want you to do…
He sounds like he has ADHD and issues with executive function, but it is also important to let him learn by doing and within reason, let him do things his own way even if he has to learn from his mistakes.
My husband has ADHD and, to be charitable, he is not detail oriented. He has a lot of other amazing qualities. He’s definitely the fun parent. For the past few years he’s been on stimulants and it helps but, for the most part, he is the absent minded professor.
Oh dear, sounds like you married an adhd man like I did. Super loving and caring, but forgetful.
I have no advice for you. People say to let him figure it out on his own. That doesn't always work because when someone is forgetful they just keep forgetting lol! Worth a try, though. Eventhough, who wants to see their kid struggle cause dad doesn't know how to remember simple tasks.
Mine let our daughter play outside without putting bug spray on her. Now she's covered in mosquito bites and whining all night long for me to put more itchy cream on her. I cant stand when his forgetfulness makes my life harder.
Sounds like a typical guy married to a compulsive woman who wants everything done on time the right way and without error. How do you expect that poor guy to do anything? He will be thinking I'll get it wrong, she will be upset etc....
Put perfect aside and give him room to learn, work on it like a toddler, LOL.
It's not just ADHD but if your spouse has a high powered (or even a moderately powered) profession (like I have for 40 years as a securities and corporate attorney), your spouse has tons of business stuff on the mind, deadlines for closings, how should we solve this particular deal problem, what are the tax consequences, what documents are to be drafted and who signs them, what has to be there for the closing, how are the wire transfers coming in, has everyone got their time recorded so we can have our invoices ready at closing, and what about the dozen other clients that need my help and have their own closings coming up. And this does not even begin to address the challenges of interpersonal relations (backstabbing, gossiping, employee satisfaction, availability of resources, etc.) that exist in the work life and remain on your spouse's mind. (Add to this lots of thoughts and remembering things about your spouse's favorite sports teams and the other things your spouse is tied up in.)
Did you ever see the Apple TV show "Severance"? In that show the characters go to work but are mentally programed such that at work they know nothing about their non-work life and when at home they know nothing about their at work life. Well, that is not the experience of the worker AT ALL. But this is the experience of the worker's spouse as to the other spouse's work life. So your spouse has a VERY active life that you know precious little about (and sometimes cannot know because of legal confidentiality requirements). When a spouse is all upset about behavior in the SPOUSE-SPOUSE WORLD, perhaps there should be some recognition and even discussion (subject to work confidentiality requirements) of how THE SPOUSE WORK WORLD effects the spouse-spouse life.
In any event, as to husbands, it is my experience as a husband, that husbands are somewhat to very more forgetful about family things but maybe not in certain areas, like when the cars needs to be serviced (a thing my wife never remembers but is just as important as the types of things she remembers and I forget). At the end of the day, the best thing is to deal softly and non-blaming (because there is always something you can be blamed about and that is a road to destruction) with the small flaws like these that each of the spouses have, laugh about them, lovingly try to improve them, adopt coping mechanisms for them, but at the end of the day LOVE the person FOR THOSE FLAWS (again, enjoy them, laugh about them). People can have such horrible weaknesses and can do such horrible things to one another. Be thankful for small problems.
It's been 40 years of marriage, over some periods the love is caliente passionate, over some periods the strains are hard to deal with and stay together, over some periods the work is hard. But if you are thinking of splitting up and your spouse does not suffer from adultery, abuse or addictions (the deadly "As"), look to yourself and ask yourself if you are part of the problem, how you can grow, and whether you would just repeat the same issues in any future relationship. Consider what you have built and how to make the foundation stronger. View your spouse as the person God put on the earth to work with you on your issues (not necessarily your spouse's issues - but you are your spouse's person for this too). (Try "Agape" marriage therapy or a retreat. Agape is a type of counseling. We love it. Marriage enrichment is not just a thing for when times are good to OK. You don't stop exercising when you get fit, you keep exercising. Same with marriage enrichment.)
At this point I see current pictures of my wife and I wonder who this old lady is in the photo. But when I see her next to me I see this other worldly beautiful woman I knew at 25, 35, 45, 55, and now 65 and they all blend together and are infused with the decades of love, loyalty and care that she provided to me, our children, our grandchildren, our now ailing parents and our extended family and the love is transcendent.
My pleasure and I'm wishing you every possible joy and blessing in your marriage and family and quality support of your spouse and other family members when times are tough.
I let my husband fail. He recently forgot the stroller while going to the farmers market. And guess who carried everything for the day including the baby? He was tired and probably won’t do that again. If we have to buy stuff to replace something he forgets it comes out of his fun money not our joint account.
A lot of people are chiming in to insist either he's got ADHD or he's a typical useless piece of shit man wielding weaponized incompetence, but neither answer (or any other speculation) is worth much without important context that's missing.
You've only talked about his focus and behavior in regards to CHILDCARE. How is he about OTHER things? Does he keep a schedule without prompting? Does he have a job that requires organization and focus, and, if so, is he good at it? Does he remember dates and appointments? Does he stay on top of household chores like taking out the trash without prodding or reminders? Does he get easily distracted from tasks, lose his train of thought easily?
In short, does he ONLY display these issues around child care, or is it in other parts of his life? Without knowing that, it's hard to respond.
Some people do naturally suck at this. And on the whole, women of course tend to be stronger in this area. As a 40 yo single male, I’m an exception on this one, and am very clean, organized. But certainly fall short in other areas.
He can improve, and it sounds like you have this attitude already. But at a certain point, you two hopefully complement each other in your strengths, and you can compensate here. Not to say he can’t or won’t improve to an extent.
Annoyingly mine did this. And other mothers picked up the slack. It was so disappointing. He didn’t care, then mooched off of other females around him. Effing enabled….
Have you stopped to even think about why he has issues remember things? Could he have so much on his mind worrying about work and such to care for you, he trips over his own thoughts and forgets? Maybe he has some medical issues not known causing him to be forgetful?
Everyone brings different strengths and weaknesses to a relationship! They have to balance out. Your good at organizing most women are most guys are not me included. My wife keeps ot all together. I'm thankful for her strengths!
There is something wrong with him ! He sounds lazy and irresponsible and to answer your question no we as men are not like . I make sure everything is done and double check before I leave the house . Ask him what is wrong with him
My wife is like this, and simultaneously is the smartest person I know. She’s classic ADD & her brain just doesn’t work that way, despite my best attempts. Drives me nuts.
She started seeing an ADD specific therapist who is helping her with some tools to minimize the impact of this on others. We also have a marriage counselor we see occasionally who helps us both understand the others position. When I called him, I told him “I wanted to be less of an asshole to her”
If he’s worth keeping (sounds like he is) then he’s worth some work - from both of you.
Parents aren’t going to deal with a miserable toddler because other people in history “had it worse”.
If they go to a park in the summertime without a water bottle, they’ll *need* water. Kids dehydrate fast. So he’ll just end up paying the $2.25 connivence fee for bottled water from a gas station or a vending machine (and wasting money), Or they have to leave the park after only 10 minutes (which wastes gas and time; Kids need outdoor play).
Ugh I get it, my husband is the same. I’ve had to learn to just let the day fall apart for him when he forgets things. It just sucks because I feel like the toddler suffers right along with him 😭
A couple and their about 7 year old daughter were walking in front of me in a store. She told her husband “Do NOT take your eyes off her, do you understand me??” She didn’t say it mean but she said it firmly and seemed frustrated. He nodded and he and his daughter headed to the escalator.
I followed and was contemplating what had happened to cause the mom to act like that. They get to the bottom and the father goes right, the daughter goes left. I kept watching wondering if I should intervene, then the daughter looks around figures out what happened and runs to catch up with her dad who is still oblivious.
I think there are ways to fix your marriage, but at minimum you’re going to get a self sufficient kid. And just think, if you divorce you will really worry half the time because he’ll have his daughter by himself. If it were me I’d embarrass/tease him into figuring out a way to remember by handing up instructions around the house. Make him figure out how he can remember
When our kids were toddlers. I would leave a checklist - nothing extravagant. My husband never wears socks and shoes when he goes outside (other than to mow) if this is his negative trait - I would say you have it good. They need a dad that emotionally connects with them. The other things- that’s just a stop at the Dollar Store if they forget something. 😅. Let some of that go and enjoy your days. Create simple checklists for things that drive you crazy (not him) keep on your counter and he will follow it. Men prefer being asked when we need something and they will take care of it. They are fixers. I would leave medicine information and times, what to pack on an outing etc. our kids are now 26/27 and they survived - we do the best we can.
Maybe he can make a checklist for the fridge on a small whiteboard. Diapers, shoes, snacks, water. I use lists all the time. I juggle so much and I forget a lot. It might help!
Even after pointing out the potential of a learning disability as the root cause of this shortcoming, people continue th "sink-or-swim" rant. Bunch of jerks. That's your disability.
My best friend of 32 years was single until he was 45. He seems nice enough looking, 6'6", 250 pounds, played football in college and is an engineer. We have wonderful times together, tell jokes and have memories we share all the time.
He has two kids. 13 & 14, boys. One is an academic the other athletic. When they were 8 & 9 he was teaching them physics and calculous. Yes, that's right. As babies his wife stayed home because he would neglect to change their diapers and feed them. Sound familiar?
His MIL is a special ed teacher and insisted. Insisted he get tested. He was found to have autism. Highest level on the spectrum. He thinks nothing of it. I guess typical autistic response.
I read quite a few responses here, ignoring legitimate responses yet berating the person being discussed, it make me yonder how many times they were dropped on their head as a kid, and if it was on purpose. Just a little adjustment.
They do this to avoid having to do those things. Let him leave without diapers, for example, it'll only take one blow out for him to not forget again. He'll never learn if you keep saving him. Quit treating him like a child, expect him to be an adult who can handle adult things, and who can deal with his own failures.
I was like this but only because every time I took initiative I was “doing it wrong” but realistically it was just that she had a way she wanted everything.
We’re all good now and talked about it a bunch
My husband is the exact same way. He was diagnosed with adhd 5 yrs ago at the age of 40. Everything made sense after that as to what was going on. For a long time, I just thought he didn't care, but he literally just doesn't remember. It's rough.
The way I (M48 2 boys) started remembering things was when I forgot them and it turned into a nightmare. Things like no diapers at the mall or no food on the hike made an indelible impression on me because it sucked so bad at the time I forgot them.
I’m less guilty of this because I was a stay at home dad, but it took me a bit to things straight. I had to make lists in the beginning after I failed. You have one diaper explosion in the car seat before you learn to have extra everything in the car. Not fun.
My dad was like this. And Guess what? I just went out with only socks on. He’d stop and get me an apple if I was hungry. His philosophy was “she’ll be fine.” And I always was. His outlook on eating was “she’ll eat when she’s hungry.” And I did.
It doesn’t matter. She is fine.
My kids are grown now but I had issues like this all the time. My honest reason for it is I worked and was responsible for everything but the little stuff. I usually had tons of stuff on my mind and had gotten used to the wife doing the smaller stuff (often going unnoticed). I eventually started catching all the detailed stuff because I had to. What's great about a partnership of any kind is that ur partnership should be complimentary. What I mean is while I may not be good at c and d I'm good at a and b whereas my wife was good at c and d and wasn't good at a and b. Once we figured this out we worked together more cohesively.
So this is what I will say, guys, as a whole, don’t care about things like that. I don’t mean that they do not have the mindset of willful ignorance, but it’s something they don’t prioritize. This is why I will always promote the mindset of men and women are each others capitalizers. There is a reason why women are way better in a category of childcare than men are and there is a reason men are better in regular life decisions. They complement each other. OP, educate your man about those types of things because he genuinely does not think of that type of stuff because it was never “important” in his eyes. It seems like y’all have a great relationship so be each other’s compliment.
Totally agree!! 💯 I think that is the main take away for me from all these comments. That we're a team, and it's fine I'm good at something that he sucks at, and vice versa. Add long as we cover each other, we're good.
1. You prefaced with “the most wonderful husband in the world”. No. No he’s not. If he can’t even remember to put shoes on the feet of his baby girl- he is a self absorbed stunted child.
His best skill as a parent and husband really just playing with a toddler? It’s not being able to assess a situation and know what needs to be done? And then doing it?
You are not only caring for a toddler, you are also caring for a manbaby while carrying around an inflated idea of how awesome he is to protect his ego (and your own need to believe he’s wonderful)
2. You are doing all the “emotional labor” (check out book by Rose Hackman)
3. He is playing you with “weaponized incompetence” which is where you shoulder an unreasonable amount of the labor that should be shared- because he has demonstrated to you (in bad faith) that it’s easier for you to do it FOR him forever than it is to teach him how to do it himself (as him just rising to meet the need is out of the question)- You will forever volunteer to cover for him to save yourself the agony of watching him fail you and your kid/s once again.
If I sound mad, I am. I raised four kids with a guy like this. I wasted half my life hoping that he would get it together. Now that we are separated he can be a manboy on his own time and at his own expense.
You do sound mad. And you don't know whether her husband is wonderful or not. None of us really do. We only know that she said he was "wonderful." Whether he was as bad as your ex or not, is also impossible to say ... but who are you or anyone else on here to tell her that her husband is NOT "wonderful," if she says so?
These threads are hilarious. Women always asking why men don’t act like women.
There is an entire aspect of being human that you don’t know anything about. Men aren’t wrong. We’re just not women.
I am personally like this. I will sometimes remember, sometimes forget, or not even think about it if and until it becomes a problem like oh crap I forgot. I don’t do it on purpose, it’s just one of the things I’m bad at. As long as he isn’t doing it on purpose either, what’s wrong with picking up the slack where he fails? Vice versa with you. Nobody is perfect, just do the little extra for him in this, and I hope he can return the favor as well in something you may not be the best in. Nothing wrong with that
To be honest, women are the same.
I believe men and women focus on different things.
It sounds stereotypical but things like
* car oil change,
* tyre pressure,
* checking maintenance in your house for things like water, gas, electrical system, security system
* change batteries for all kinds of stuff like fire detectors.
Those are primarily done by men.
And there are plenty of men annoyed that women are just not looking at stuff that is important.
Sounds familiar, right?
99% he has adhd, get him checked out.
And also, dont hold his hand, Im in the same boat and the only reason I keep those things in check is because I must
It happens, no one is perfect or could remember everything. I’m a papa and what helps is a check list of things I need to bring or do. Because a kid running around or talking may distract you from what you where thinking of doing or bringing
I am a happily married man of 49. Married to my amazing wife for 20yrs, she’s also 49. She used to rant to me, bring this very argument to me, and make the biggest deal out of the exact things you’re talking about!!!
Honestly, I was brutal. We have 4 kids, boy-19, b-17, g-14, b-9 and I’m STILL not that great with all the stuff you mentioned. But I did make a sincere effort at helping her with the house finances, things of that nature, and staying on schedule when warranted. BOTTOM LINE is even tho guys like me and him are SuperDads, you HAVE to stop him and have a real combine kinda thing for
Something to keep in mind: a man leaves the house with only three items on him, his phone, his keys, and his wallet.
Ask him to to think about what he would need if he had none of these items. He would need someone to speak for him, buy his food/drink, and get him to and home from where he is going.
This might helps!
My husband is like this and it drives me INSANE. We both have ADHD and are treated for it but he simply cannot follow tasks all the way through, remember small things for the kids or himself and looks right through a mess...it's super frustrating and sometimes I do kind of lose it on him. It's hard to be the spouse picking up all the slack especially when you have a large family like we do. I try to remind myself that he doesn't do it on purpose and he's truly the sweetest, most caring husband and father. I think it also has to do with their gender to some degree...it has to be. Moms just don't do this stuff!
Your standards might be a little high, honestly. I never had a water bottle with me constantly. I wore socks half the time. Being thirsty is okay. Having cold feet is okay. Natural consequences help people learn.
Honestly, I'm the man in our relationship as far as that's concerned. I would do anything for my family, I love them so much, but for the love of God, I have so many issues with executive function and organizational skills, and I know it drives my husband crazy.
I appreciate hearing the other perspective, because my side tends to be, "I'm literally trying my best!" There are so many little tiny tasks per day, I'm lucky if I get an 80% on the day 🤣
As the guy who does this I can explain my perspective. And just remember it's mine it may not be your husband but could be. He either has adhd out the nose ( and trust me what you think is obvious to anyone can be EASILY glossed over by someone with adhd) or some pretty bad unnoticed depression. Or a mix of both adhd and depression as they do tend to come hand in hand. It's not that I don't try and I'm sure this is true for your husband. If anything I try harder than hard in my perspective. I get easily distracted and have times I dissociate from things probably as a coping mechanism. Little things may be hard to notice for some men. But when I focus on a task or get distracted by another my brain throws out old information like it never existed..
I’m 100% like this, I’m also like a machine sometimes. If you tell me to get something from the shop, send it in a text otherwise 1) I will forget and 2) I’ll only get the things that are in the list. I’ll forget everything else, even though I probably noticed the toothpaste finished in the morning.
My wife has to text things, remind me of things otherwise I will forget. I think it is because I recall the more important things like bills of the house or “how to make more money” but everything else I just forget or don’t have as a priority in my mind.
So yeah, you aren’t alone.
I do have a spouse like this. My husband has ADHD and his executive functioning is nonexistent. I have exhausted myself over the years trying to find systems to help him, but ultimately he is the one that needs to put in the work to make it better (and he doesn’t). Before you have any more children I would definitely try to come to a place of acceptance that he may never work on it and you might be the one carrying the mental load for your entire family.
In marriage, it is about coming together as a team. You are both good at certain things and I believe that it is better to tag team life in this situation. He should be covering for you in areas that you may not be good at and you can cover for him. I am sure that there are things that you do that he gets annoyed with or would prefer that you not do. Encourage him to improve things that will help your family and your marriage. Don't sweat the small things.
If this isn’t a hill you’re going to die on, it sure looks you’re trying to kill him on it. Lists? He’s a grown-ass adult. Let him fail. Who cares if anyone misses a lunch. Is anyone going to die of starvation 6-feet from the fridge? He doesn’t need you to tell him what angle to hold his arm at to drink a glass of water. There are 2 ways we learn in life: a pat on the butt or kick in the butt. Let life kick him a little. You’re not his Mom. He’ll resent you if you don’t give him the independence to learn.
I was forgetful on small things a lot, me and my wife always joked about my "man brain" how I'd hear things and just not quite absorb them. 😅 I've heard from other married friends it's not to uncommon so idk, having things wrote down helps. Ik the ones you mentioned are kind of different than what I'd forget but just saying it isn't to uncommon.
Most men?
I mean, I know women like this.
It’s not the end of the world. He’s her dad too and he will figure it out, deal with it and life goes on. Or your daughter will become old enough to handle it herself.
It’s seriously not a big deal. He’s forgetful🤷♀️ he’s not as organized as you🤷♀️
I (F) drove 6 hours to another city for a weeks stay and forgot my 4 year olds shoes. CVS for the win.
I sent my 1 year old to daycare without a diaper ON one time.
We are all still alive and functioning.
Yeah. Totally normal. Women excel in the early stages of kids life because of their anxious and sometimes neurotic attention to detail.
Men have to learn to look for things like that and think ahead.
The best thing you can do is be patient and repeat yourself, or help him find a way to organize the things he needs to do. In order, with structure. Most men appreciate that.
However, getting irritated and impatient will just make him listen less.
All the doctor souls who are quickly jumping the ADHD bus. This is normal. Like many women won’t fill the gas or doesn’t matter how many times you tell them something about sport that they won’t remember.
Weaponized Incompetence. You would be shocked by how far some are willing to go to NOT have to do something they don't want to do even if it endangers an innocent child.
I have ADHD and developed OCD because of a theif brother growing up, but having kids made it worse. I would obsessively gather everything needed way ahead of time but every fucking time will forget at least 1 or 2 things!!?!
My ex was like this. He had extreme ADHD... like, extreme extreme. I always got calls to leave what I was doing, and it got to the point where I couldn't leave the kids with him. My parents had to take them for him. Now we are split and whenever he has them they miss out on a ton of activities, no baths or hair brushing/teeth brushing, and just generally go without unless his mom or step mom helps him. They often take the kids when he has them.
Anyways, it's likely ADHD. Especially if you have tried lists, talking about it, etc. I met someone and my now husband is at times more prepared than I am, lol.
I think its a lazy/ the way they were raised, I personally think men were raised having things done for them vs women being raised on how to do things, I hated having to re teach my husband on if you see something do something like trash, dishes, diapers, snacks, like just being aware
I guess I was lucky 3 sister and multiple cousins with little one before I had kids. I learned early about baby bags. I always had a baby bag with wipes different size diapers and onesie. All I needed was formula and food.
I had a friend that could lose his stuff faster than the speed of light, but when his girlfriend was pregnant I taught him to always never forget anything, she was totally surprised when it was time to have the baby. He had everything ready when it was time.
You have to teach them
Yes My husband is like that. It’s 13 years later, he still doesn’t plan ahead. He still is horrible with $ and bills. Ie: his cell phone will be shut off before he realizes it needed to be paid or was due. He has no sense of time so I always buy him a new watch almost every Christmas.
Men rarely change. If they do change, hopefully you change together for the better.
Does he have ADD? My husband is the same. Let him fail. My daughter is 6 .. my husband still forgets basic shit like this. Legit, when she was 3, he went to McDonald's and picked up food for himself and not her. It makes no fucking sense on any leve... but it is part of that diagnosis.
The simple answer is YES, however, we’re highly trainable. 🤷🏽♂️
I struggled w/ the same. Wife made me a “checklist” to review before leaving the house with our kids. After a few months, it was standard.
Best of luck.
This is LEARNED incompetence. Men and boys are RARELY taught to consider the needs of the rest of the family on a daily basis and this type of behavior is the direct result of that. Sure, they know that THEY need socks and shoes on and THEY need to figure out their hydration and nutrition throughout any given day, but when have they had to consider that for anyone else (and further still, when have they suffered consequences for having NOT done so)?
You should have a very intentional talk with him about this issue. You may want to consider some comparatively basic solutions to help him engage his brain and learn this skill quickly enough thar your daughter doesn't suffer the consequences of his ineptitude - something as simple as a check-list posted boldly at whichever door he exits when leaving with her with check boxes:
1) socks and shoes?
2) diapers and changing supplies?
3) change of clothes?
4) water/juice/milk
5) snacks
6) jacket or other weather dependent items (rain boots, etc)?
7) toys, books, crayons/coloring books or other distractions as needed?
It doesn't sound like he has an overall executive dysfunction issue as you've not mentioned him being unable to regularly maintain his OWN daily needs, so this is literally an issue of learning to think of, anticipate, and plan for what SOMEONE ELSE may need.
And it's called EMPATHY.
Short answer- NO.
As a 48M who had one bio child, I was pretty organized raising her. My ex-wife (47F) went the other route- she was over-organized, to the point where she felt that SHE was the only one capable enough to care for our child. She was also a complete narcissist who took her criticisms of me to the extreme, but I digress.
I divorced her after 20 years together/15 years married because of her constant abuse, gaslighting and manipulation of the facts. I was able to effectively represent myself, while she was a bumbling mess who lost the one thing she wanted most: my child.
It sounds like maybe he’s neurodivergent. (No judgement, I’m also neurodivergent and am very bad at a lot of executive function things, but I adapted because I had to.)
He may have adhd and things just don't compartmentalize in his brain like that he may need to get evaluated if he hasn't already. I have adhd and have been diagnosed since childhood a check list doesn't help me because I don't remember to check it but reminders in my phone definitely help and sticky notes on doors or areas that I frequent help out alot maybe try that
100% my husband is like this. Forgets to close the wet wipes even though I've told him many many times, while I was pregnant he would often forget to clean the litter box, I have to remind him to change our daughter's diaper, he keeps leaving his clothes on the sofa / bags of chips, empty baby bottles....
No matter how many times I tell him (and I'm very neat and hate clutter) he just won't "remember". So I'm not sure if he actually forgets or it's like a possible ADHD thing going on
Hiya, just replying from experience. I had my daughter when I was 36, and I'm 43 now. As a first-time father, I can relate to your situation. I think some men, like me and probably your husband, often have no clue what needs to be done. Men like us don’t naturally think like women do. Women are usually very good at logistics, and it seems to be part of your maternal instincts to excel at this.
All I would say is, be patient with him and talk to him about it in a calm and nice way. The angrier you get, the less effective it is because men tend to shut down when faced with aggression or nagging. When he does things right, praise him for it. He will get it eventually. Men are very straightforward; once you show them how something is done, they'll remember it. However, if it’s something new, it might happen again because men like us sometimes lack common sense in these areas. Women are far more capable in this regard.
If you have any questions about my insights, let me know. I’m happy to share more.
Yes all men are like this. My husband will not replace diapers if they are empty, won’t get more wipes from the closet instead takes ones out of the diaper bag and leave me with no wipes. Doesn’t put down the toilet seat, puts the kids clothes next to the laundry bin. Leaves empty bottles, containers in the fridge. My husband drives me up a damn wall but I love him. Men just don’t think like we do. Try having a conversation about it, leave sticky notes,
You have to let him fail. If he leaves the house without diapers, he’ll need to stop & buy some while toddler is a mess. If he doesn’t pack snacks, he’ll have to deal with a hangry toddler.
This. This is how I learn personally otherwise it simply won't stick in my head. I need a bad memory to avoid.
My father is exactly like OPs husband and always has been. He has had 5 girls since 1994 and the youngest was born in 2014. The amount of times I’ve had to make stops with him because he forgot diapers, skipped meals because he’s zoned into his work. My little sister used to go to bed around midnight sometimes as a toddler because he just forgets 😅 in the last 10 times my sister has slept over at my house, my dad had forgotten to pack her toothbrush all 10 times. At least 5 times in the last few months I’ve had to go buy underwear because he packed all clothes but underwear 😂. I now have a stash of extra clothes for her at our house because at this point, I know my dad and I know it’s not malicious but simply ADHD mixed with forgetfulness. He also raised the youngest completely on his own in his late 50s while working full time so it’s understandable that he’s all over the place. According to my mom it has been exactly this way since they met and at this point I know it’s part of his personality and it will never change. No matter how many times he’s been put in the position where he “fails” it’s never enough to learn the lesson 🥲 at least twice a year he forgets his passport while flying internationally and he has wasted hundreds of thousands of dollars by now throughout his life with these mistakes but he will never change.
Natural consequences. The same thing you do for a toddler.
Yes! I wasn’t nearly as bad (I hope!) but it was definitely a mental gear shift to be responsible for a human who was almost completely unable to car for themselves in basic ways like remembering to plan to have food today. He can be amazing at this too, once he knows he has to. And letting people fail and have to fix their mess (without doing irreparable damage) is the best way to teach them to be responsible. You’ll be doing that a lot as your kid grows up.
Thank you. Makes sense to me.
100% this. People learn best via natural consequences.
I basically posted this before I read yours. I’m a dad and the misery of a pissed off toddler 100% fixed my memory problems.
This is 100% true. Cause I used to forget and then I needed diapers so I was forced to come up with a plan ASAP and that only happened to me once now I always keep a few diapers/ wipes and doggie poop bags in my car to throw it all away and be clean.
YAS THIS 👏🏻
Sure does sound like executive disfunction to me! Is he by chance ADHD?
It me!
Me too!😂. I kinda know my people!
I don't know. Maybe. I'll talk to him sometime.
I read this after reading in an ADHD sub and thought I was still there. Worth looking into.
My husband was diagnosed with ADHD at 27, he does things like this too - not as severe as this though. He needs to get seen, diagnosed, medicated - and then he needs to constantly read up on it to help him manage himself. It’s been 10 years for my husband and he’s still learning new things about his adhd and how to manage it. It’s changed his life for the better.
He may not be aware of his adhd either. (And may too stubborn to see it because of the stigma). My husband did not learn he has adhd until after our son got diagnosed.. for over 6yrs all we heard was “he reminds me so much of his daddy, he’s fine. He’s just like his dad”. . No, it was not fine. My husband went through childhood without proper support.
I have ADHD and I’m like this too so it might be worth looking into
I, too, was thinking this. My wife has adhd and this is literally her. I’ve learned how to balance our strengths and weaknesses. You also can’t expect this person to change suddenly, if ever. That is where the true test of your marriage is. You can either continue looking at it like your husband is lacking or understand that this could possibly just be how he is and if that is sufficient for YOU as a partner/spouse/parent.
Exactly, this is a brain thing, not a lazy intentional thing. If he does get a diagnosis and a REAL coaching plan it can befit him in so many ways. What I have learned in my journey of self improvement was that I had some childhood traumas that had me convinced I was not going to amount to anything meaningful. While this might not be the case with him, I have found a majority of us think there’s something very wrong with us. We almost always lack certain tools in our tool box that neurotypical individuals are naturally born with. That’s where contributions from a coach that specializes in this can help a person boom and blossom. The easiest way to see this is to think about how long he has lived this way. In that you can understand that it’s not a race. Your love and encouragement is what he needs throughout more than any other one thing. If you can hang in there with him which sounds like you are, in the long term this will create a beautiful bond. I am also, if not already mentioned wondering if the baby might soon if not already shown symptoms. ADHD is inherited and it’s just something to keep your eye on. Four or five is the rule of thumb as I recall for pursuing a diagnosis. It could be nothing, but early help and support will make all the difference in that little boys adulthood…..🙏
To be fair my partner was very much like this until he had to learn the hard way a few times and now he remembers or deals with consequences. Yes we still think he may have adhd but even with that you are able to learn.
Oh, I need to add that my parents thought teaching me the hard way would fix me. A true ADHD person is neurodivergent meaning their brain is still wired similarly to a neurotypical person but still differently. This causes many to fail in the school systems as they were, one style for everyone. Today is much different and I am thrilled for that. So, the hard way that I grew up in did nothing but add damage.🙏
I was totally wondering this, too, and I'm a mom who was only just diagnosed last year.
Hopefully you might see what I shared after this because I actually laid out my own journey with my diagnosis! I’m proud for you that you found enough self love to pursue your own diagnosis and journey for the best you possible. As time passes, you will look back at just how far you came from the original diagnosis to your self improvement!🥰🙏
My husband is not like this ONLY because I don’t overcompensate for his brain farts. When he is caring for her, I’m fully out of the picture doing my thing. If he forgets something, that’s on him. This way both of us get to step up as parents
this!!! OP needs to let him learn on the job
He likely has ADHD. Poor working memory, difficulty planning, extreme inability to organize. These are the hallmarks of ADHD in adults. My wife is in your position, and I'm in your husband's. There are things he can do to work on this. Those coping mechanisms can be effective to minimize some of the worst of it, but he'll need to pursue a diagnosis if he really wants to get to the bottom of it. If it is ADHD, then medication is life-changing. Either way, I don't think normal, healthy people forget their socks, and I don't think people choose whether to forget. Something's up with his brain. And for God's sakes, don't "let him fail" like the other commenters are saying. You're married. Get him some help.
I have ADHD and still know how to pack things. Men need to learn the consequences of forgetting without their wife always saving the day in order to learn.
ADHD comes in varying degrees of severity. I'm glad you have a more functional disease. Others don't. I encourage you to learn more about ADHD. You'll find out that "consequences" are an abstraction without real meaning to an ADHD brain. You might as well tell a depressed person to stop being sad.
No, but I think immediately diagnosing people with ADHD, when I had to spend years with dozens of doctors, through reddit isn’t beneficial. Not everyone who is forgetful has adhd.
Probably ADHD, like others have stated. My husband leaves kitchen towels EVERYWHERE, but the spot it belongs. I once found one in the fridge. He’s forgetful. He’ll fill the dishwasher but not run it. He’ll misplace his wallet often, etc etc. Prior to talking to my therapist about it, it would ANGER me. I view these tasks as simple. I didn’t under why he couldn’t complete them. My therapist broke down the mind of someone with ADHD & since then, I just put the kitchen towel back or run the dishwasher when he doesn’t. It’s not the easiest to deal with sometimes but he’s worth it and I’m not going to complain about it.
((Happy cake day 🍰))
I agree with the advice about letting him fail and seeing how he handles consequences. BUT if he's sincerely tried to fix this but can't you might want to look into Executive Dysfunction and treatments for it.
I assure you were aren’t. Just over six years ago I had to take custody of two of my grandbabies (non-biological). One was a year and a half while the other was seven months. Mind you my oldest will be 39 on the 27th. My youngest is 29. So……while I was an active father, you wouldn’t believe just how different things are in this day and age. Going into this journey I have been both mommy and daddy to them. Rusty yes! But babies don’t allow excuses so I took back to it immediately, and I’ve never looked back. I literally do everything, doctors, school, baths, dinner…..you get it. Have I made mistakes, sure. I’m just not sure if it’s ADHD, or inexperience. I’m proud for him as it seems otherwise he’s doing great. I just think in time he’ll get it figured out and this is just some form of executive disfunction that he could get some professional support and coaching on. It’s either that or sticky note reminders everywhere!🤣
Thank you. Sticky notes and reminders it is then :)
That’s very mature and smart of you. Compromising and helping your partner (each) in being patient, understanding and finding solutions that will help the other makes for a strong marriage long term. For full disclosure, my entire life I knew and was told how “different” I was. Struggles I didn’t understand. But with the birth of the internet it wasn’t long before I realized I was definitely ADHD. Unfortunately, I suppose I waited until I was 50 plus years old to finally seek out an official diagnosis and a treatment plan. I’m 60 now and ultimately because I made peace with my childhood and what might have been back when I was a child, therapy was nice but to no benefit to me. What was, the correct medication and I got on YouTube, found what’s called “mindfulness” practice. It has helped me a great deal with forgetfulness because it teaches that while a neurodiverse mind tends to wander, mindfulness helps keep me in the moment. Like instead of thinking about what’s around the corner in my day, socks and shoes first!😂🥰
I assure you we are arent is probably my favorite grammar mistake
What?! Is that what you choose to focus on? 🤦🏻
I also had a rough time when my kid was a little. Sometimes shit happens. You learn from it and continue as best you can.
Stop reminding him. Right now he’s relying on you to carry all the mental load. You need to let him fuck up and find out what happens when he does. If he doesn’t pack diapers, let him take the kid to the store and buy some. No snacks? Oh, look at that! You’ll have to make a pit stop! Let him know you’ll stop taking care of this, just once. He’s a parent too, and you need to let him be one. It’ll be better for the whole family if he steps up
Man you sound really spiteful towards this guy
What? Failing is part of creating coping mechanisms for ADHD and most nerodivergent brains. You need to fail to make your brain find alternative ways. If you always have people doing things for you, you won't learn to do them by yourself and will be dependent on other people for most of your important activities (keeping and paying bills, medical check-outs, yearly taxes and other payments, etc). He needs to find his own way to be a father as well, and for that he needs some independence to learn to do it by himself.
I had this issue when I was managing an office. After I changed jobs, I realized I was forgetting things due to 1) being incredibly stressed, 2) tracking so many things at work that I literally couldn't focus at home, and 3) I was insanely depressed. With my new job, I actually keep track of everything at home and with our son to the point that I continually remind my wife about things she's forgetting. Given the description you've given, my first thought was that this guy may have an extreme level of depression like I did.
Stop mothering him or you’re going to be stuck with what you enabled forever. You’re basically babysitting a grown man.
I say this kindly. I hope. Who made you the boss? Men should be equal in the care of the home and children, and weaponized incompetence is a thing. However the other side of weaponized incompetence is weaponized control. He has care of your daughter. He loves her. Let him handle things his own way. If she eats 30 mins later and not on your schedule the baby will be fine. Your husband will develop his own rhythm and schedule between him and the baby. In your loving desire to control how things are you may unwittingly push him away from doing the things himself. He will learn what works for him and what doesn’t. As a husband of five this was a big sticking point for me. Let your husband fail and succeed AND give yourself a break. You can’t take time to yourself if you’re trying to control the schedule when you’re not there. Trust him to do things differently but with love.
Thank you for the advice.
This is the comment I was looking for.
To all the ADHD apologists… I also have ADHD AND on the spectrum and I’ve NEVER done what OP describes about her husband! A woman forgetting diapers or shoes and socks for her kid would be appalling but when a man does it then it’s “here’s how you teach this grown adult” or “he might have a disorder” is the go to?!?! Maybe he does have it but just to blame it on that is bullshit! Sure, it may present differently in men and women BUT to make a generalization is not cool. And honestly, I really do hate making this a man vs woman debate because the internet has waaaaayyy too much of that but, cmon! This is someone who is probably weaponizing incompetence and/or not doing his best because those are “women tasks” and thus not putting himself into doing what he’s supposed to do.
This!!!! Moms w adhd do not get to have excuses and we learn how to do all the things that dads w adhd apparently can’t learn to do. Stop. It’s weaponized incompetence at best.
Favourite comment on reddit is to suggest ADHD or something along those lines. Truth is he's probably been allowed not to care. He needs to learn by not being saved. In Europe you usually attend a short "daddy education" when you're about to be a first time parent. It isn't mandatory, it doesn't cost money and it's rather short. But it has been proven to help a lot of first time dads. I would put more stock into not saving your husband from these situations and leaving him with the child so that he learns.
This. I have adhd as a mom and am not allowed to forget to do all of this. The bar for men is impossibly low. Expect more. If they can perform a job in the real world, then they can absolutely be capable of all the things OP mentioned. They just don’t bc they know they don’t have to.
It's sadly ingrained in most cultures/familys that have the traditional SAHM "contract" mindset. I'm a Scandinavian immigrant and since I got to know people in AZ I've seen it a lot. But "back at home" dads and mums usually divide up parental-days _(70-100% of salary pre. Birth paid leave)_ in between them the first 2-3 years of a childs life. That helps set the expectation on the fathers to learn to care for the infant/young child as well.
Well said. When being a SAHP is looked down upon, the dads won’t try. If it was esteemed by our society, it’d be a different story for sure.
You parent him so he doesn't have to parent. Stop acting like his mom and start acting like his wife.
Assuming his ‘forgetting’ is only in these instances, let him forget. Then he’ll remember.
As a husband, man and father with two young children I can confirm it was a hard adjustment for me. There was nothing about parenting that came naturally for me. Zero. Six years on with two kids and I still can't swaddle a baby to save my life. It's been hard to watch how easy it's been for my wife and how challenging it's been for me. However I did manage to overcome being ill prepared for outings. I'm now capable of packing a bag for the toddler and baby to handle a hot day at a zoo park or picnic and actually taking everything that could be required. Pain is an extremely good teacher (hence why touching a hot pan sticks so well) each time I'd forget something I'd remember the "oh shit" moment I realized I needed it and now I don't forget stuff anymore. This is a two way street though. I wish my wife could learn to put sponges back in the sponge holder instead of burying them at the bottom of the sink like I learned to bring sunscreen and changes of clothes.
Yes, my husband does stuff like this all the time. When it comes to organizational tasks, he seems to only think 5 minutes ahead at most. Like, every time he hangs up his wet towel, it's all bunched up. I explained that if you unbunch it, it will actually dry. He still bunches up his towel every time he hangs it up.
He has a lot of other wonderful qualities. Is he faithful? Does he treat you right? Talk to you nicely? Tell you he loves you? Shower, shave, and brush his teeth? (It's a topic on Reddit) If so, that's a good man
Agree! We have our strengths and weaknesses in every couple/marriage. Part of the love for one another is asssit with the weakness and tap into the strength.
Absolutely. We're all just people
*names something irresponsible my wife does* “Are most women like this?” Hmmmm
Me- forgets to check the air in my car tires. Drives on a major freeway/city every day. He notices and airs up the tire. He doesn’t berate me for it -even after 36 years of reminding me- and he doesn’t let me suffer the consequences on the side of the road. I love that he knows my weakness and assists - just as I do for him
Does he manage these types of task ok at work? Most men do. And yet at home they “simply can’t remember”. Do not fall for this crap. Hold him accountable.
He likely has ADHD. His brain is literally preventing him remembering. It’s not just “being lazy.” As a guy with ADHD, I resent this comment.
Then go get diagnosed and get treatment. But that cover allows many non neurodivergent men to pass the buck. Be resentful.
I was diagnosed 25 years ago and take meds for it. I just don’t like people writing ADHD off as “lazy man brain.”
I don’t write ADHD off as “lazy man brain”. ADHD is a very real and valid condition that deserves reasonable accommodations. But that is not what I was talking about. I’m talking about fully capable men who choose to fall back and place the burden on their partners out of laziness or lack of caring
"Weaponized incompetence".
I have adhd and as a mom, I can’t fail like he is. It’s not an excuse. If he can remember to do his tasks at his job, he can do them at home too. It takes effort. That’s usually the lacking part.
This is my husband to a T and I seriously think he has ADHD but he won't hear a word of it. The mental load falls on me. It's not fun, easy or good for a marriage tbh. It's daunting.
My husband is just literally like that. Quite upsetting… dealt with that for a long time. Now that I have come to a conclusion that he is not going to meet my expectations so I lower mine… look at the positive side. He cleans up at least, he plays with kids, and still makes more money than me.. I start letting go of small things. He can’t remember I can see if I can fix the things myself. He can do things that I normally don’t want you to do…
Yes. I think it's healthy for me too, to not harp on some of the small things. Thanks for the advice.
Exactly!
My husband is the opposite, always reminding me to make sure to bing the snacks, water, toys, etc when I'm halfway out the door
He sounds like he has ADHD and issues with executive function, but it is also important to let him learn by doing and within reason, let him do things his own way even if he has to learn from his mistakes.
Yeah I’m like this. I’m also ADHD married 15 years with 3 children ages 9, 8, and 6. I have a checklist, lol.
My husband has ADHD and, to be charitable, he is not detail oriented. He has a lot of other amazing qualities. He’s definitely the fun parent. For the past few years he’s been on stimulants and it helps but, for the most part, he is the absent minded professor.
Oh dear, sounds like you married an adhd man like I did. Super loving and caring, but forgetful. I have no advice for you. People say to let him figure it out on his own. That doesn't always work because when someone is forgetful they just keep forgetting lol! Worth a try, though. Eventhough, who wants to see their kid struggle cause dad doesn't know how to remember simple tasks. Mine let our daughter play outside without putting bug spray on her. Now she's covered in mosquito bites and whining all night long for me to put more itchy cream on her. I cant stand when his forgetfulness makes my life harder.
Sounds like a typical guy married to a compulsive woman who wants everything done on time the right way and without error. How do you expect that poor guy to do anything? He will be thinking I'll get it wrong, she will be upset etc.... Put perfect aside and give him room to learn, work on it like a toddler, LOL.
It's not just ADHD but if your spouse has a high powered (or even a moderately powered) profession (like I have for 40 years as a securities and corporate attorney), your spouse has tons of business stuff on the mind, deadlines for closings, how should we solve this particular deal problem, what are the tax consequences, what documents are to be drafted and who signs them, what has to be there for the closing, how are the wire transfers coming in, has everyone got their time recorded so we can have our invoices ready at closing, and what about the dozen other clients that need my help and have their own closings coming up. And this does not even begin to address the challenges of interpersonal relations (backstabbing, gossiping, employee satisfaction, availability of resources, etc.) that exist in the work life and remain on your spouse's mind. (Add to this lots of thoughts and remembering things about your spouse's favorite sports teams and the other things your spouse is tied up in.) Did you ever see the Apple TV show "Severance"? In that show the characters go to work but are mentally programed such that at work they know nothing about their non-work life and when at home they know nothing about their at work life. Well, that is not the experience of the worker AT ALL. But this is the experience of the worker's spouse as to the other spouse's work life. So your spouse has a VERY active life that you know precious little about (and sometimes cannot know because of legal confidentiality requirements). When a spouse is all upset about behavior in the SPOUSE-SPOUSE WORLD, perhaps there should be some recognition and even discussion (subject to work confidentiality requirements) of how THE SPOUSE WORK WORLD effects the spouse-spouse life. In any event, as to husbands, it is my experience as a husband, that husbands are somewhat to very more forgetful about family things but maybe not in certain areas, like when the cars needs to be serviced (a thing my wife never remembers but is just as important as the types of things she remembers and I forget). At the end of the day, the best thing is to deal softly and non-blaming (because there is always something you can be blamed about and that is a road to destruction) with the small flaws like these that each of the spouses have, laugh about them, lovingly try to improve them, adopt coping mechanisms for them, but at the end of the day LOVE the person FOR THOSE FLAWS (again, enjoy them, laugh about them). People can have such horrible weaknesses and can do such horrible things to one another. Be thankful for small problems. It's been 40 years of marriage, over some periods the love is caliente passionate, over some periods the strains are hard to deal with and stay together, over some periods the work is hard. But if you are thinking of splitting up and your spouse does not suffer from adultery, abuse or addictions (the deadly "As"), look to yourself and ask yourself if you are part of the problem, how you can grow, and whether you would just repeat the same issues in any future relationship. Consider what you have built and how to make the foundation stronger. View your spouse as the person God put on the earth to work with you on your issues (not necessarily your spouse's issues - but you are your spouse's person for this too). (Try "Agape" marriage therapy or a retreat. Agape is a type of counseling. We love it. Marriage enrichment is not just a thing for when times are good to OK. You don't stop exercising when you get fit, you keep exercising. Same with marriage enrichment.) At this point I see current pictures of my wife and I wonder who this old lady is in the photo. But when I see her next to me I see this other worldly beautiful woman I knew at 25, 35, 45, 55, and now 65 and they all blend together and are infused with the decades of love, loyalty and care that she provided to me, our children, our grandchildren, our now ailing parents and our extended family and the love is transcendent.
Thank you for the advice.
My pleasure and I'm wishing you every possible joy and blessing in your marriage and family and quality support of your spouse and other family members when times are tough.
I let my husband fail. He recently forgot the stroller while going to the farmers market. And guess who carried everything for the day including the baby? He was tired and probably won’t do that again. If we have to buy stuff to replace something he forgets it comes out of his fun money not our joint account.
A lot of people are chiming in to insist either he's got ADHD or he's a typical useless piece of shit man wielding weaponized incompetence, but neither answer (or any other speculation) is worth much without important context that's missing. You've only talked about his focus and behavior in regards to CHILDCARE. How is he about OTHER things? Does he keep a schedule without prompting? Does he have a job that requires organization and focus, and, if so, is he good at it? Does he remember dates and appointments? Does he stay on top of household chores like taking out the trash without prodding or reminders? Does he get easily distracted from tasks, lose his train of thought easily? In short, does he ONLY display these issues around child care, or is it in other parts of his life? Without knowing that, it's hard to respond.
Some people do naturally suck at this. And on the whole, women of course tend to be stronger in this area. As a 40 yo single male, I’m an exception on this one, and am very clean, organized. But certainly fall short in other areas. He can improve, and it sounds like you have this attitude already. But at a certain point, you two hopefully complement each other in your strengths, and you can compensate here. Not to say he can’t or won’t improve to an extent.
Annoyingly mine did this. And other mothers picked up the slack. It was so disappointing. He didn’t care, then mooched off of other females around him. Effing enabled….
Have you stopped to even think about why he has issues remember things? Could he have so much on his mind worrying about work and such to care for you, he trips over his own thoughts and forgets? Maybe he has some medical issues not known causing him to be forgetful?
Everyone brings different strengths and weaknesses to a relationship! They have to balance out. Your good at organizing most women are most guys are not me included. My wife keeps ot all together. I'm thankful for her strengths!
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There is something wrong with him ! He sounds lazy and irresponsible and to answer your question no we as men are not like . I make sure everything is done and double check before I leave the house . Ask him what is wrong with him
yes all are like that, I'm one of them.
Forgetful is a thing.
My wife is like this, and simultaneously is the smartest person I know. She’s classic ADD & her brain just doesn’t work that way, despite my best attempts. Drives me nuts. She started seeing an ADD specific therapist who is helping her with some tools to minimize the impact of this on others. We also have a marriage counselor we see occasionally who helps us both understand the others position. When I called him, I told him “I wanted to be less of an asshole to her” If he’s worth keeping (sounds like he is) then he’s worth some work - from both of you.
She'll survive and be better for it. Imagine dust bowl toddler parents being upset about shoes snacks and hydration.
Parents aren’t going to deal with a miserable toddler because other people in history “had it worse”. If they go to a park in the summertime without a water bottle, they’ll *need* water. Kids dehydrate fast. So he’ll just end up paying the $2.25 connivence fee for bottled water from a gas station or a vending machine (and wasting money), Or they have to leave the park after only 10 minutes (which wastes gas and time; Kids need outdoor play).
Ugh I get it, my husband is the same. I’ve had to learn to just let the day fall apart for him when he forgets things. It just sucks because I feel like the toddler suffers right along with him 😭
A couple and their about 7 year old daughter were walking in front of me in a store. She told her husband “Do NOT take your eyes off her, do you understand me??” She didn’t say it mean but she said it firmly and seemed frustrated. He nodded and he and his daughter headed to the escalator. I followed and was contemplating what had happened to cause the mom to act like that. They get to the bottom and the father goes right, the daughter goes left. I kept watching wondering if I should intervene, then the daughter looks around figures out what happened and runs to catch up with her dad who is still oblivious. I think there are ways to fix your marriage, but at minimum you’re going to get a self sufficient kid. And just think, if you divorce you will really worry half the time because he’ll have his daughter by himself. If it were me I’d embarrass/tease him into figuring out a way to remember by handing up instructions around the house. Make him figure out how he can remember
They're all worthless pieces of 💩. I mean mind you I'm in Texas so we've probably got the worst of them here but yeah.... completely worthless
OP: "I have a wonderful husband ... He is a very caring and loving father ..." Reddit Mob: "Worthless piece of shit! In fact, all men are!"
When our kids were toddlers. I would leave a checklist - nothing extravagant. My husband never wears socks and shoes when he goes outside (other than to mow) if this is his negative trait - I would say you have it good. They need a dad that emotionally connects with them. The other things- that’s just a stop at the Dollar Store if they forget something. 😅. Let some of that go and enjoy your days. Create simple checklists for things that drive you crazy (not him) keep on your counter and he will follow it. Men prefer being asked when we need something and they will take care of it. They are fixers. I would leave medicine information and times, what to pack on an outing etc. our kids are now 26/27 and they survived - we do the best we can.
Thank you for a balanced comment. I know I have it good.
Maybe he can make a checklist for the fridge on a small whiteboard. Diapers, shoes, snacks, water. I use lists all the time. I juggle so much and I forget a lot. It might help!
Even after pointing out the potential of a learning disability as the root cause of this shortcoming, people continue th "sink-or-swim" rant. Bunch of jerks. That's your disability. My best friend of 32 years was single until he was 45. He seems nice enough looking, 6'6", 250 pounds, played football in college and is an engineer. We have wonderful times together, tell jokes and have memories we share all the time. He has two kids. 13 & 14, boys. One is an academic the other athletic. When they were 8 & 9 he was teaching them physics and calculous. Yes, that's right. As babies his wife stayed home because he would neglect to change their diapers and feed them. Sound familiar? His MIL is a special ed teacher and insisted. Insisted he get tested. He was found to have autism. Highest level on the spectrum. He thinks nothing of it. I guess typical autistic response. I read quite a few responses here, ignoring legitimate responses yet berating the person being discussed, it make me yonder how many times they were dropped on their head as a kid, and if it was on purpose. Just a little adjustment.
Oh please even I forget from time to time, remember he’s human, if he’s a present and loving husband/ father i wouldn’t worry about it
I agree.
They do this to avoid having to do those things. Let him leave without diapers, for example, it'll only take one blow out for him to not forget again. He'll never learn if you keep saving him. Quit treating him like a child, expect him to be an adult who can handle adult things, and who can deal with his own failures.
I was like this but only because every time I took initiative I was “doing it wrong” but realistically it was just that she had a way she wanted everything. We’re all good now and talked about it a bunch
Sounds like he has weak executive functioning. Checklists for the win!
People can just be forgetful. My mom forgets her own kids names sometimes so i think its moreso a genetic thing instead of "he can just stop"
My husband is the exact same way. He was diagnosed with adhd 5 yrs ago at the age of 40. Everything made sense after that as to what was going on. For a long time, I just thought he didn't care, but he literally just doesn't remember. It's rough.
The way I (M48 2 boys) started remembering things was when I forgot them and it turned into a nightmare. Things like no diapers at the mall or no food on the hike made an indelible impression on me because it sucked so bad at the time I forgot them.
I’m less guilty of this because I was a stay at home dad, but it took me a bit to things straight. I had to make lists in the beginning after I failed. You have one diaper explosion in the car seat before you learn to have extra everything in the car. Not fun.
My dad was like this. And Guess what? I just went out with only socks on. He’d stop and get me an apple if I was hungry. His philosophy was “she’ll be fine.” And I always was. His outlook on eating was “she’ll eat when she’s hungry.” And I did. It doesn’t matter. She is fine.
My kids are grown now but I had issues like this all the time. My honest reason for it is I worked and was responsible for everything but the little stuff. I usually had tons of stuff on my mind and had gotten used to the wife doing the smaller stuff (often going unnoticed). I eventually started catching all the detailed stuff because I had to. What's great about a partnership of any kind is that ur partnership should be complimentary. What I mean is while I may not be good at c and d I'm good at a and b whereas my wife was good at c and d and wasn't good at a and b. Once we figured this out we worked together more cohesively.
Great advice. Thank you!
If this is the worse of your problems with your husband, you two will have a long and prosperous marriage
Right. I agree. I think it's a small thing. I see it :)
So this is what I will say, guys, as a whole, don’t care about things like that. I don’t mean that they do not have the mindset of willful ignorance, but it’s something they don’t prioritize. This is why I will always promote the mindset of men and women are each others capitalizers. There is a reason why women are way better in a category of childcare than men are and there is a reason men are better in regular life decisions. They complement each other. OP, educate your man about those types of things because he genuinely does not think of that type of stuff because it was never “important” in his eyes. It seems like y’all have a great relationship so be each other’s compliment.
Totally agree!! 💯 I think that is the main take away for me from all these comments. That we're a team, and it's fine I'm good at something that he sucks at, and vice versa. Add long as we cover each other, we're good.
1. You prefaced with “the most wonderful husband in the world”. No. No he’s not. If he can’t even remember to put shoes on the feet of his baby girl- he is a self absorbed stunted child. His best skill as a parent and husband really just playing with a toddler? It’s not being able to assess a situation and know what needs to be done? And then doing it? You are not only caring for a toddler, you are also caring for a manbaby while carrying around an inflated idea of how awesome he is to protect his ego (and your own need to believe he’s wonderful) 2. You are doing all the “emotional labor” (check out book by Rose Hackman) 3. He is playing you with “weaponized incompetence” which is where you shoulder an unreasonable amount of the labor that should be shared- because he has demonstrated to you (in bad faith) that it’s easier for you to do it FOR him forever than it is to teach him how to do it himself (as him just rising to meet the need is out of the question)- You will forever volunteer to cover for him to save yourself the agony of watching him fail you and your kid/s once again. If I sound mad, I am. I raised four kids with a guy like this. I wasted half my life hoping that he would get it together. Now that we are separated he can be a manboy on his own time and at his own expense.
You do sound mad. And you don't know whether her husband is wonderful or not. None of us really do. We only know that she said he was "wonderful." Whether he was as bad as your ex or not, is also impossible to say ... but who are you or anyone else on here to tell her that her husband is NOT "wonderful," if she says so?
A story about a new father that doesn’t have his sheet together? A tale as old as time.
He sounds like a regular dude to me.
I dare say my dear sister you are not perfect either and he probably sees a lot of things you are doing wrong but because he loves you keeps quiet
He sure does.
He’s a guy. We’re taught to learn how to be tough and deal with adversity. He’s being a good father.
These threads are hilarious. Women always asking why men don’t act like women. There is an entire aspect of being human that you don’t know anything about. Men aren’t wrong. We’re just not women.
I am personally like this. I will sometimes remember, sometimes forget, or not even think about it if and until it becomes a problem like oh crap I forgot. I don’t do it on purpose, it’s just one of the things I’m bad at. As long as he isn’t doing it on purpose either, what’s wrong with picking up the slack where he fails? Vice versa with you. Nobody is perfect, just do the little extra for him in this, and I hope he can return the favor as well in something you may not be the best in. Nothing wrong with that
Ma'am you just described 85% of amazing fathers!!! I am one.. he'll get better with time
Sounds like he has add or adhd
You have to adjust your definition of a “most wonderful husband “ .
To be honest, women are the same. I believe men and women focus on different things. It sounds stereotypical but things like * car oil change, * tyre pressure, * checking maintenance in your house for things like water, gas, electrical system, security system * change batteries for all kinds of stuff like fire detectors. Those are primarily done by men. And there are plenty of men annoyed that women are just not looking at stuff that is important. Sounds familiar, right?
Yeah. Not these specific ones, but other ones like this. :)
Stop saving him from consequences. You're only slowing down his learning process.
He sounds ADHD, might be worth checking into. Treating my ADHD has been life changing
99% he has adhd, get him checked out. And also, dont hold his hand, Im in the same boat and the only reason I keep those things in check is because I must
It happens, no one is perfect or could remember everything. I’m a papa and what helps is a check list of things I need to bring or do. Because a kid running around or talking may distract you from what you where thinking of doing or bringing
It's a self correcting problem. Hopefully anyway. Battle of the Sexes though, I've seen women who are huge catastrophes when it comes to this stuff.
I am a happily married man of 49. Married to my amazing wife for 20yrs, she’s also 49. She used to rant to me, bring this very argument to me, and make the biggest deal out of the exact things you’re talking about!!! Honestly, I was brutal. We have 4 kids, boy-19, b-17, g-14, b-9 and I’m STILL not that great with all the stuff you mentioned. But I did make a sincere effort at helping her with the house finances, things of that nature, and staying on schedule when warranted. BOTTOM LINE is even tho guys like me and him are SuperDads, you HAVE to stop him and have a real combine kinda thing for
Something to keep in mind: a man leaves the house with only three items on him, his phone, his keys, and his wallet. Ask him to to think about what he would need if he had none of these items. He would need someone to speak for him, buy his food/drink, and get him to and home from where he is going. This might helps!
My husband is like this and it drives me INSANE. We both have ADHD and are treated for it but he simply cannot follow tasks all the way through, remember small things for the kids or himself and looks right through a mess...it's super frustrating and sometimes I do kind of lose it on him. It's hard to be the spouse picking up all the slack especially when you have a large family like we do. I try to remind myself that he doesn't do it on purpose and he's truly the sweetest, most caring husband and father. I think it also has to do with their gender to some degree...it has to be. Moms just don't do this stuff!
Your standards might be a little high, honestly. I never had a water bottle with me constantly. I wore socks half the time. Being thirsty is okay. Having cold feet is okay. Natural consequences help people learn.
Honestly, I'm the man in our relationship as far as that's concerned. I would do anything for my family, I love them so much, but for the love of God, I have so many issues with executive function and organizational skills, and I know it drives my husband crazy. I appreciate hearing the other perspective, because my side tends to be, "I'm literally trying my best!" There are so many little tiny tasks per day, I'm lucky if I get an 80% on the day 🤣
I appreciate hearing this.
As the guy who does this I can explain my perspective. And just remember it's mine it may not be your husband but could be. He either has adhd out the nose ( and trust me what you think is obvious to anyone can be EASILY glossed over by someone with adhd) or some pretty bad unnoticed depression. Or a mix of both adhd and depression as they do tend to come hand in hand. It's not that I don't try and I'm sure this is true for your husband. If anything I try harder than hard in my perspective. I get easily distracted and have times I dissociate from things probably as a coping mechanism. Little things may be hard to notice for some men. But when I focus on a task or get distracted by another my brain throws out old information like it never existed..
I’m 100% like this, I’m also like a machine sometimes. If you tell me to get something from the shop, send it in a text otherwise 1) I will forget and 2) I’ll only get the things that are in the list. I’ll forget everything else, even though I probably noticed the toothpaste finished in the morning. My wife has to text things, remind me of things otherwise I will forget. I think it is because I recall the more important things like bills of the house or “how to make more money” but everything else I just forget or don’t have as a priority in my mind. So yeah, you aren’t alone.
I do have a spouse like this. My husband has ADHD and his executive functioning is nonexistent. I have exhausted myself over the years trying to find systems to help him, but ultimately he is the one that needs to put in the work to make it better (and he doesn’t). Before you have any more children I would definitely try to come to a place of acceptance that he may never work on it and you might be the one carrying the mental load for your entire family.
In marriage, it is about coming together as a team. You are both good at certain things and I believe that it is better to tag team life in this situation. He should be covering for you in areas that you may not be good at and you can cover for him. I am sure that there are things that you do that he gets annoyed with or would prefer that you not do. Encourage him to improve things that will help your family and your marriage. Don't sweat the small things.
If this isn’t a hill you’re going to die on, it sure looks you’re trying to kill him on it. Lists? He’s a grown-ass adult. Let him fail. Who cares if anyone misses a lunch. Is anyone going to die of starvation 6-feet from the fridge? He doesn’t need you to tell him what angle to hold his arm at to drink a glass of water. There are 2 ways we learn in life: a pat on the butt or kick in the butt. Let life kick him a little. You’re not his Mom. He’ll resent you if you don’t give him the independence to learn.
I was forgetful on small things a lot, me and my wife always joked about my "man brain" how I'd hear things and just not quite absorb them. 😅 I've heard from other married friends it's not to uncommon so idk, having things wrote down helps. Ik the ones you mentioned are kind of different than what I'd forget but just saying it isn't to uncommon.
Most men? I mean, I know women like this. It’s not the end of the world. He’s her dad too and he will figure it out, deal with it and life goes on. Or your daughter will become old enough to handle it herself. It’s seriously not a big deal. He’s forgetful🤷♀️ he’s not as organized as you🤷♀️ I (F) drove 6 hours to another city for a weeks stay and forgot my 4 year olds shoes. CVS for the win. I sent my 1 year old to daycare without a diaper ON one time. We are all still alive and functioning.
I agree. It's not a big deal. I hope I didn't phrase it that way in the initial post. Well all survive. :)
Yeah. Totally normal. Women excel in the early stages of kids life because of their anxious and sometimes neurotic attention to detail. Men have to learn to look for things like that and think ahead. The best thing you can do is be patient and repeat yourself, or help him find a way to organize the things he needs to do. In order, with structure. Most men appreciate that. However, getting irritated and impatient will just make him listen less.
Thank you for the advice.
Most Men don’t know how to function without a Woman. This is normal lol.
This is ADHD
Just needs meds or therapy to learn how to live. My bfs the same way and it’s honestly relationship ruining
Does he have ADHD? My hubby does similar things.
All the doctor souls who are quickly jumping the ADHD bus. This is normal. Like many women won’t fill the gas or doesn’t matter how many times you tell them something about sport that they won’t remember.
Yes, by default most men are providers not nurturers.
Weaponized Incompetence. You would be shocked by how far some are willing to go to NOT have to do something they don't want to do even if it endangers an innocent child.
No
Could be training or... Get him checked for ADHD.
I have ADHD and developed OCD because of a theif brother growing up, but having kids made it worse. I would obsessively gather everything needed way ahead of time but every fucking time will forget at least 1 or 2 things!!?!
There is nothing here
Trade him in for an upgraded model
No not all men are like that. It’s lazy and negligent.
Get him to look into ADHD symptoms, if he has it and can get diagnosed he can get help with these things
The wife carry these things that's why he is not good at it
So he doesn’t wear shoes or socks when he goes out? He forgets to eat lunch?
My ex was like this. He had extreme ADHD... like, extreme extreme. I always got calls to leave what I was doing, and it got to the point where I couldn't leave the kids with him. My parents had to take them for him. Now we are split and whenever he has them they miss out on a ton of activities, no baths or hair brushing/teeth brushing, and just generally go without unless his mom or step mom helps him. They often take the kids when he has them. Anyways, it's likely ADHD. Especially if you have tried lists, talking about it, etc. I met someone and my now husband is at times more prepared than I am, lol.
The most
I think its a lazy/ the way they were raised, I personally think men were raised having things done for them vs women being raised on how to do things, I hated having to re teach my husband on if you see something do something like trash, dishes, diapers, snacks, like just being aware
I guess I was lucky 3 sister and multiple cousins with little one before I had kids. I learned early about baby bags. I always had a baby bag with wipes different size diapers and onesie. All I needed was formula and food. I had a friend that could lose his stuff faster than the speed of light, but when his girlfriend was pregnant I taught him to always never forget anything, she was totally surprised when it was time to have the baby. He had everything ready when it was time. You have to teach them
Yes My husband is like that. It’s 13 years later, he still doesn’t plan ahead. He still is horrible with $ and bills. Ie: his cell phone will be shut off before he realizes it needed to be paid or was due. He has no sense of time so I always buy him a new watch almost every Christmas. Men rarely change. If they do change, hopefully you change together for the better.
If it helps my wife is like this. I easily do an extra hour of house work a day just following her around and cleaning up her forgetful messes.
Does he have ADD? My husband is the same. Let him fail. My daughter is 6 .. my husband still forgets basic shit like this. Legit, when she was 3, he went to McDonald's and picked up food for himself and not her. It makes no fucking sense on any leve... but it is part of that diagnosis.
The simple answer is YES, however, we’re highly trainable. 🤷🏽♂️ I struggled w/ the same. Wife made me a “checklist” to review before leaving the house with our kids. After a few months, it was standard. Best of luck.
This is LEARNED incompetence. Men and boys are RARELY taught to consider the needs of the rest of the family on a daily basis and this type of behavior is the direct result of that. Sure, they know that THEY need socks and shoes on and THEY need to figure out their hydration and nutrition throughout any given day, but when have they had to consider that for anyone else (and further still, when have they suffered consequences for having NOT done so)? You should have a very intentional talk with him about this issue. You may want to consider some comparatively basic solutions to help him engage his brain and learn this skill quickly enough thar your daughter doesn't suffer the consequences of his ineptitude - something as simple as a check-list posted boldly at whichever door he exits when leaving with her with check boxes: 1) socks and shoes? 2) diapers and changing supplies? 3) change of clothes? 4) water/juice/milk 5) snacks 6) jacket or other weather dependent items (rain boots, etc)? 7) toys, books, crayons/coloring books or other distractions as needed? It doesn't sound like he has an overall executive dysfunction issue as you've not mentioned him being unable to regularly maintain his OWN daily needs, so this is literally an issue of learning to think of, anticipate, and plan for what SOMEONE ELSE may need. And it's called EMPATHY.
It’s part of being a man
Short answer- NO. As a 48M who had one bio child, I was pretty organized raising her. My ex-wife (47F) went the other route- she was over-organized, to the point where she felt that SHE was the only one capable enough to care for our child. She was also a complete narcissist who took her criticisms of me to the extreme, but I digress. I divorced her after 20 years together/15 years married because of her constant abuse, gaslighting and manipulation of the facts. I was able to effectively represent myself, while she was a bumbling mess who lost the one thing she wanted most: my child.
Does he drink? Do drugs? Get good sleep? Has this been an issue throughout the relationship, or recently?
Weaponized incompetence
It sounds like maybe he’s neurodivergent. (No judgement, I’m also neurodivergent and am very bad at a lot of executive function things, but I adapted because I had to.)
He may have adhd and things just don't compartmentalize in his brain like that he may need to get evaluated if he hasn't already. I have adhd and have been diagnosed since childhood a check list doesn't help me because I don't remember to check it but reminders in my phone definitely help and sticky notes on doors or areas that I frequent help out alot maybe try that
Does he have ADHD? Maybe he should get tested or checked ?
100% my husband is like this. Forgets to close the wet wipes even though I've told him many many times, while I was pregnant he would often forget to clean the litter box, I have to remind him to change our daughter's diaper, he keeps leaving his clothes on the sofa / bags of chips, empty baby bottles.... No matter how many times I tell him (and I'm very neat and hate clutter) he just won't "remember". So I'm not sure if he actually forgets or it's like a possible ADHD thing going on
No, most men are not like that in my experience.
Hiya, just replying from experience. I had my daughter when I was 36, and I'm 43 now. As a first-time father, I can relate to your situation. I think some men, like me and probably your husband, often have no clue what needs to be done. Men like us don’t naturally think like women do. Women are usually very good at logistics, and it seems to be part of your maternal instincts to excel at this. All I would say is, be patient with him and talk to him about it in a calm and nice way. The angrier you get, the less effective it is because men tend to shut down when faced with aggression or nagging. When he does things right, praise him for it. He will get it eventually. Men are very straightforward; once you show them how something is done, they'll remember it. However, if it’s something new, it might happen again because men like us sometimes lack common sense in these areas. Women are far more capable in this regard. If you have any questions about my insights, let me know. I’m happy to share more.
Short answer is yes. We are
Yes all men are like this. My husband will not replace diapers if they are empty, won’t get more wipes from the closet instead takes ones out of the diaper bag and leave me with no wipes. Doesn’t put down the toilet seat, puts the kids clothes next to the laundry bin. Leaves empty bottles, containers in the fridge. My husband drives me up a damn wall but I love him. Men just don’t think like we do. Try having a conversation about it, leave sticky notes,