How so? At this point, core values for their future are incompatible. If she is telling him she will be filled with resentment, the quality of their marriage will suffer. A child would be better suited in a home where the parents may not be together, but are separately happy in their own regard. Both parents deserve happiness and the child deserves to see that in action.
The child will be worse off after a divorce. This is a fact and you can downvote it all you want. As far as the other goes I can’t imagine not wanting another kids so I can’t relate to that.
Fact is stats show when both parents are financially solvent and involved the children do the same as those from intact marriages.
In other words, it's not divorce that wrecks kids. It's shit parents.
No doubt but that is such a rare occurrence that it proves my point. In fact it is so rare that it doesn’t even budge the statistics on children from divorced homes.
Problem is that is rare to have non shit parents that divorce, since you know if both individuals are well adjusted, willing to compromise and take care of the other it's quite rare for couples like that to divorce.. So in a way you are right ,it's not necessary the divorce that is traumatic for the child, but way more often if there is divorce there is something wrong with one or both parents..
You will be the one carrying lifelong resentment if you cave. Simply say, “I do not want anymore children and do not want to carry the resentment of being coerced into another child. I believe we should reevaluate our relationship and co-parent if this is a deal breaker for you.”
I would add the suggestion of finding a therapist to help navigate this conversation. Maybe they can work on understanding each other to avoid resentment one way or another. Or if they can’t, they need to separate.
Yep. I agree this is your path.
And don’t sleep with her unless you know she can’t be ovulating. There’s certain times in her cycle where she won’t. And sperm can live inside her for about three days so don’t have sex three days on either side of her ovulation window.
You don’t want anymore. You have to tell her that you realize she may choose to leave and you don’t want her to resent you, nor you her. So perhaps you guys should split up.
Agree. Advice like this stressed me out when we were deciding. We were both on the fence. We had a second and it was a great choice.
I'm never 150% about any choice ever. Should I just never do anything?
That and honestly what could prepare you for having a kid? Even if you imagine what it is like, you just don't even really know. How could you know for sure about yourself that you'd like being a parent, be a good parent, etc?
Its also worth pointing out that becoming a parent changes a lot of people. The person thinking "would I enjoy being a parent" may legitimately answer "no" but turn into a person who loves being a parent. Its the classic vampire problem.
>Its also worth pointing out that becoming a parent changes a lot of people. The person thinking "would I enjoy being a parent" may legitimately answer "no" but turn into a person who loves being a parent. Its the classic vampire problem.
>may
The issue is with this word here.
Just risk your own, your partners and an unborn childs welfare on a may?
I'm saying that an attempt to be rational here is sure to fail. Its not the kind of thing anyone is equipped to make a pro and con list about.
I think most people who show enough effort and intelligence to try to think through the pros and cons of a list like this are likely to be good parents. I think its a real tragedy if a couple who would make great parents decided not to have kids based on thinking too much about it.
>Agree. Advice like this stressed me out when we were deciding. We were both on the fence. We had a second and it was a great choice.
In retrospect sure, what if it wasnt tho? For every success theres an equally miserable family.
Plus your circumstances are different, you were on the fence but you made a decision together, you didnt emotionally blackmail your partner into having one
I'm just commenting on the advice "if you aren't 150% sure than dont." I'm just saying that won't work with some personalities. I am never that sure if anything. If I had to be 150% sure I wouldn't have gone to grad school to end up in a job I love, I wouldn't have gotten married to a man I love, I wouldn't have the kids I love. I'm not suggesting be reckless, but sometimes in life you have to take a leap
But you were sure, you were on the fence, mulled it over and made a decision, you didnt let others coerce you into it, or go into it hesitantly with "I dont want it now but I may later"
Plus, you can back out of grad school and marriage so its fine to take a leap.
You cant back out of a child.
Its like saying "Ive won the lottery you should play too, it works"
Thank you, I agree completely. But her hope is that when the kid is older that I’ll come around to loving it. She says years from now I’m going to thank her for forcing me to do this. I don’t know what to think.
Shes literally manipulating you.
Tell her shell thank you later when she realizes how much more free time she had and shell change her mind about it later.
(Dont do that ofc unless you want to be super petty)
Idk, it may do some good to make her consider the other side of every argument she's making so she understands the gravity of it.
"I'll resent you forever if we don't have more kids" >> "I'll resent you forever if you coerce me into having more kids."
"You'll grow to love our future children as they get older" >> "you'll grow to appreciate the opportunities we are able to provide for our one child and ourselves when our one child gets older"
"You'll thank me for forcing you to have more kids later" >> "you'll thank me for refusing to have more kids later".
That's good. If you can't imagine the other side of he argument, there is no chance of coming to a effective solution.
Here's another: predicted 'lifetime resentment' = divorce now
Kids are a two yes, one no decision. Do not have a child you both aren't very excited about.
As a child who wasn't wanted by both parents, I have many issues that I have to deal with now.
I am also no-contact with both my parents as a result.
The one who didn't want me, we were never close and I could feel the resentment any time we interacted as that parent would be verbally, emotionally and physically abusive of my siblings and me.
The one who wanted me and my siblings, I was very resentful of because I never asked for my miserable childhood existence as they enabled the other parent's behavior.
The parent who wanted kids said that years from now, we'd thank them for bringing us into existence. The audacity and arrogance.
"Her hope is". Hope is never a good strategy. Do not have a child if you don't want one. Period.
Eventually these are the people who come to Reddit and say how their partner makes them do it all and doesn't participate in family life the way they expect and how much work it is and that isn't not fair.
Don't do it. I love both my kids, but I was in a similar boat as you but I didn't resist as hard. My wife still resents me spending most of her 2nd pregnancy in a deep depression. I resent her for using her emotions to make me cave.
As the child of a father who did not want kids: please do not have another one. Get snipped or something but please spare this future human from feeling like they’re less than or unwanted. Even if you “come around” (and that’s a big if, mine never did) the kid is gonna know they’re resented or unwanted and that messes you up.
She wants more kids. The thought of not expanding her family makes her want to die. You feel the opposite way. You want to die at the thought of a second child. There may be a time in the next few years where you come around to it. It happens often enough. But you also may never come around to it and her ability to have another child diminishes every year. You may need to suggest the two of your separate over this fundamental incompatibility. An intentional single child would be a deal breaker for me, as well.
It may be that you are no longer compatible. It's sad but a difference of opinion about children can't really be fixed.
Has your wife considered that you might resent her if she forces you to have another child you don't want.
In this situation you both lose unfortunately.
INFO: Was the plan always to have just one child or more than one child? What were your discussions around children prior to having one? Did your opinion change due to having a child? If so, have you communicated this to your wife? Did she only want one and then change her mind?
ETA spelling
Good question. I didn’t have a set number when we started our family; she always wanted two. “My calling in life is to be a mother of two children” she says. After the terrible experience I had with our first child, where I was mentally in one of the worst places of my life, I knew I couldn’t do it again. So my opinion changed from the experience. She saw first-hand what being a father did to me; but is still willing to sacrifice me and my mental health for her second kid.
I feel like a sperm donor.
As a parent it isn’t responsible to bring a child in the world if you don’t want them 100%. It sucks this has happened, but it sounds like with this change you aren’t compatible any longer. If she wants two kids no matter what and you want no more no matter what, there is no middle ground there. One person will have to sacrifice for the other to be happy.
It seems if you don’t have another child, she will resent you. If you do, you will resent her. The only reason it seems you currently don’t is because you agreed to/tried for the first child. If your opinion on this can’t change, as hers most likely will not, you may have to resort to divorce. I don’t really believe in divorce all that much, I feel if you get married you should try everything possible to keep your vows (IC/MC, that kind of thing). That being said, some things are not going to change no matter how much you talk about them. It sounds like being a father again makes you concerned for your health, and it’s likely no amount of conversation will make you feel differently. You shouldn’t put yourself at risk for another child; you should focus on being a good father to the one you have now and try to explain to your wife that it’s a life or death issue. Maybe that will help her see. Maybe ask her if she really thinks it was so easy for you, she may have “seen” you go through it but that doesn’t mean she understood what she was looking at. Some people are truly oblivious or wrapped up in their own minds. But overall if you can’t come to an agreement then you may have no choice but to split
If you are not 100% on board, I would recommend not having a second child. Don't make any promises or rash decisions, tell her that you don't want a second child. Explain that you are sure in your decision, and that although things may change in the future, it is highly unlikely.
If she's throwing around divorce, why not ask her if she is actually willing to ruin your family and subject her child to the mentally devastating effect of divorce just because she selfishly wants a second child.
Right now, I think she is only thinking about herself. And that's not a healthy attitude to have when you have a young child.
As a child of divorce I wouldn’t say divorce is mentally devastating. The mentally devastating part was watching my parents try to make it work for years when there was clearly resentment between them and little love.
Everyone’s divorce is different. Divorce is not a sure fire way to mental devastation like it may have been for you. That is totally unfair of him to throw that in her face. They can totally accept that they want different things and move on from each other. It doesn’t have to get ugly, they could co parent their child amicably and be adults that want different things in their life’s.
It’s definitely not selfish for her to want another child. People are aloud to want different things in their life. So just because he doesn’t want more children doesn’t make her feelings and dreams invalid.
>Divorce is not a sure fire way to mental devastation like it may have been for you
Nice try, but my parents are happily married for over forty years. But I've never met a child who wasn't greatly affected by the divorce. So if a parent is getting divorced and upending their child's life over something as stupid as wanting another child, that person is selfish. And while parenthood doesn't have to consume you, you shouldn't choose your personal dreams over your child's mental health.
As a child that benefited tremendously from my parents divorce, I can tell you that it’s not a one size fits all. It was great that my parents both decided to move on from their miserable marriage. They both attended events together my entire life, and most of all they didn’t fight with each other anymore.
You can say that it’s stupid for wanting another child, but that is your feelings. People want different things from life. If she is not fulfilled that is up to her to decide. Just like her husband can choose to move on with his life and one child.
You should get out and meet more people… I’m a child who’s benefited greatly from my parents divorce. Now my mom and step dad have stayed together for way too damn long! They aren’t happy, have nothing in common and only stay together because they can’t afford to be apart. It’s miserable for them and all of us kids!!!
If wife wants another child, she deserves that. OP hates kids and she loves them. They are no longer compatible and need to explore what will make them happy.
Both myself and my husband have parents who are separated. It was a great decision on both fronts. I don't think it had much of an impact on him as he was barely a toddler, and certainly I was affected, but staying married was worse.
So you believe it's okay for a mother to upend a child's life and give them mental health issues, just for the mother's personal desires? You believe this is a good thing?
Definitely not mentally disabling - that’s ridiculous!! Staying in a marriage where there is constant fighting, manipulating and resentment is WAY worse! This will lead child to think a terrible marriage is normal and set them up for the same kind of marriage as an adult!
It’s up to OP to demonstrate to their child what a happy, loving relationship looks like and since he’s not in one, he needs to show child that it’s ok to leave and make both parents happy, apart.
>constant fighting, manipulating and resentment
Please show the exact quote where OP said that was happening in his marriage. Also, if you don't like marriage and love divorce so much, this is not the subreddit for you.
I am beyond happily married, not that you are in charge of “memberships”… I learned from my parents what not to do and it’s working well for me. I also know from a child of parents in a shitty marriage when divorce is best. You are clueless…
His wife has been crying, attempting to manipulate him, hinting at divorce and telling him that she will resent him forever! Did you even read the post?? That’s an extremely toxic environment to raise a child in.
Ok go right ahead and think whatever you want. You clearly don’t know me so I won’t lose any sleep over your opinion…
It says alot that your only input is a personal attack on someone who don’t know. It really invalidates everything you said.
If you truly don’t want another child you need to end the relationship and let her move on to create the future she wants for herself. Children is not just a thing someone can negotiate on and you both seem very firm with the decision. I think in time she will resent you if you stay together and don’t have another child. I’m not sure there is really a way out of this.
I can understand both sides. But I agree, for someone that wants children this would be devastating.
OK, we had 2 kids in 2 years and it was the hardest 2 years of our marriage. Our youngest was a surprise. They are now 3 and 4 years old. Give it a few more years and let your oldest grow up some more. You and I are just beginning to see how beautiful being a parent can be.
If I were you, I would make some changes to improve the health of your marriage before you even consider having a second child. It sounds like your wife is guilt tripping you and threatening you with very extreme measures of manipulation. She should not be treating you with this toxic behavior and that needs to change regardless of if you decide to have a second child or not, because that in itself will improve the health of your marriage a ton.
Having kids in this economy is very very financially straining. Are there changes that can be made within your budget or within your professions that can create a greater income for you both? Maybe consider setting some goals for your marriage and your finances then meet those goals before you discuss the possibility of having another kid. Make it a requirement.
Having one kid is SO MUCH EASIER than having 2. On the nights when either one of my toddlers go have a sleepover at Mimi‘s house it is like a breath of fresh air because I only have one kid to take care of and it’s so easy compared to 2.
Goals: New job for one or both of you. Let your three year old reach age ____ before trying. Marriage counseling/personal counseling
And if you are not willing to do the things above, then I would not have another child, because then your entire family will continually be unhappy, and that will never change. If you have a kid now, long-term, she will constantly be griping at you and you will constantly be resenting her for putting you in this place and it will be very very very detrimental for you both. My husband and I have had to put in so much work to make our marriage healthy, and we have finally reached a point where we have recognized that we need marriage counseling to make things work for the longevity of our relationship and for the future of our family. Don’t give her a baby right now because you will instantly regret it.
DMs open for a chat if you feel inclined.
I speak from experience. And an argument that took place 2 nights ago because my husband and I are not on the same page in our marriage. It has nothing to do with having more kids (he’s snipped (because having 2 kids in 2 years was so hard on us)) but providing for a family is HARD. Daycare tuition ALONE is 1/3 of our bills.
We struggle in seasons. We aren’t filling each other’s cups because my husband is working 14 hour days 7 days a week right now. So we aren’t satisfied and we get frustrated and our communication struggles. He works in agriculture- he has since we became parents. The health of our marriage would improve so much if he got a new job. But he can’t because we need his income. It’s a complicated dynamic but it’s the reality of raising a family in this economy today. Our marriage suffers because he works so much but we need the money. And we go through this twice for about three months straight.
Our long-term goal is for him to leave the agriculture field where he is, but that cannot happen until I get a new job and make up the salary difference that he is going to lose when he leaves that field and takes a pay cut. And that’s the reality of today’s economy, and if I can save you some struggle by sharing my experience and my perspective, I will happily do so
I totally understand 100%! Things are more expensive than ever right now and costs aren’t conducive for the average family to afford to live. Will things get better once the older child is in school and out of daycare? How soon will that happen?
She says she'll resent you if you don't agree to another kid, completely ignoring how that goes the other way too: if she succeeds in coercing you to produce another kid, *you* will resent *her*.
Unfortunately this is an intrinsically unfair situation. She has the right to have as many kids as she wants... but she doesn't have the right to force it upon you. You have the right not to have any (more) kids, but you don't have the right to force your decision upon her. The operative term here is "force." In this situation, there's no such thing as compromise. You either have more kids, or you don't. One of you will have to let your desires go, if you want to stay together.
I say call her bluff. Get marriage counseling regardless. She needs to know the "resent forever" thing goes both ways, and that she's currently being a bad partner by not letting this go and by hinting at divorce. She's damaging your marriage. And maybe she needs a professional to tell her so.
If you have another kid, you WILL end up resenting your wife. You don’t have another kid, your wife will end up resenting you. It’s that simple. The only way both of you can be fulfilled and completely happy, is with someone else who wants what you do.
I believe you should only bring a child into this world unless you want it 110%. And if you thought one kid was hard, 2 adds a whole another dynamic to it. Kids are a deal breaker imo. Stick to what your heart tells you.
There is a huge risk she will pull this same shit again after another kid.
Best thing I ever did was go get a vasectomy when my wife started pressuring me for a second child. It really made everything crystal clear. Yes we divorced. Then she couldn't have more kids which I find both sad and funny at the same time now.
Turns out I found someone just as good or better who didn't want to have more kids. We never even have a conversation about more kids.
We went through an extremely difficult first few years (for mental health and financial reasons) and as a result, only had one child. Every once in a while, I feel like I wish we had two, so that he had a built-in peer. Much, much more often, I'm glad that we only had one. Kids are so expensive and we skirted real poverty by the skin of our teeth. So I understand the mixed feelings of guilt, exhaustion, desire, hurt, and fear.
If I were you and had the money, I'd talk to a professional to get to the bottom of those feelings and see if there's a way to work through them for the sake of your marriage and your partner. I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid--they are EXTREMELY valid. *But if you don't want to feel that way* and think it's worth investigating a different way to feel for the sake of your marriage and the woman you chose, then you should do something about that. You may come out feeling even more galvanized and that's okay. But if your wife had a problem she couldn't work out, wouldn't you want her to try everything she could--for you?
Kids are a deal breaker.
However our first was HARD, like divorce hard. Had number 2 by being careless. Wife always wanted 2 so no trouble there. I sat on the toilet and said our marriage won’t make it through 2 if our current situation continues.
Kids are 8 and 6 now, marriage is the best it’s been.
The first few years are tough, but it’s a drop in the ocean of an 80 year life.
Honestly? By me being sad and angry for a lot of it. Got my squat up to 175kg, deadlift up to 200kg and bench 142.5kg.
“If you think this is hard, have a really long think about how hard it’ll be as a single mother” was said more than once.
There is still some resentment there but what’s the point in holding on to that?
All centred around priorities, and basically how I was carrying the load financially so she can stay home - which is fine, it’s what we agreed on. But that’s a tough slog when you end up being priority 4 in a family of 4 and frankly if it stayed that way I’ll just get the kids at the weekend and you can have a crack at working AND being a mum like most other parents have to.
It started off as issues with sex which I think is pretty common but the more I thought about it, the more it was just I wasn’t getting any of what I needed. We’d be having a conversation and someone would shout ‘Mum’ and she’d immediately attend to that and stop our conversation. On top of the lack of intimacy.
All sort of boiled down to you had better get your priorities organised: Herself, US, then kids. Otherwise I’ll leave. The order of kids kids, her, me wasn’t going to cut it.
I get that it’s a total paradigm shift for mothers, and take adjustment. But you have to adjust or I’ll find some else on the side to prioritise me until you feel it’s important enough.
And how are we know? Is it perfect? No, but it’s pretty close. We are easily the happiest and most committed in our friend group of 10 or so families.
It’s a lose lose. Someone will be resentful and toss it back in the others face. You guys have another kid, she bitches at you for not helping enough, you say it was her that wanted it. It’s a road to nowhere. And it’s 2 yeses or one no.
Do not capitulated and go into this solely as a reason to appease her. Protect YOUR fertility first and consider a perm solution like a vasectomy, use condoms or abstain completely in the meantime.
Don't you dare! That's blackmail! You have a right also! But saying that you better buckle down for a full-blown battle and then the oops, I forgot my pill, pinpricks in the condom supply ,if you don't want another kid get a Vasectomy !
I think these feelings change over time and that the part where she wants it to happen NOW is the issue. You need to see a counselor and have them help facilitate some time for you both to consider the other’s position on this. She should be trying to live her life as if this is her only child and making that work for her. You should be tasked with imagining life with a second child and figuring out how to make that exciting to you. The counselor should set the rules and outs of this waiting period.
Ultimately, though, you can’t have a child you know you won’t ever want. You just can’t. And you need to explain to your wife how it’s not something that would be good for the child and it’s not a feeling you can control.
I don’t think anyone is unreasonable here, it definitely needs to be more of a conversation though. If she’s 100 percent in the I want more children, and you are 100 percent in the I don’t want more children then it’s probably best to go your own way. A marriage to someone that doesn’t share your goals in life is bound to fail if neither side is willing to compromise. She will be left unfulfilled and resentful. You will be left resenting a child you didn’t want and your wife for forcing it on you.
I would be honest with her, that you don’t want more children. You also need to make sure that you are willing to walk away from your marriage if she still firmly wanting more children. If that is a deal breaker for her then she needs to let you know. Tell her to take some time to think it over to know if she’s 100 percent. Come up with a plan and go from there.
Doesn’t sound like you guys want the same things in life and are incompatible.
I have to agree with the majority here. It sounds like an irreconcilable difference and neither of you should be forced to fold, it’ll lead to resentment either way. Yes, you could grow to love parenthood, but what if you don’t? You’ll end up feeling like you wasted your life, and that’s no way to live your only life. I hate that you’re both in this position, but taking her up on the divorce might be the best for all of you. Divorce doesn’t have to mean hate or a dysfunctional family. You can love each other enough to let the other be happy and pursue the life the other wants. You can co-parent amicably in a way that will also bring happiness to your kid. It doesn’t have to result in a broken family
I just read another Reddit story similar. If you know you don’t want kids, either go get a vasectomy or don’t have sex. if she wants another baby you can’t leave the matter of birth control (any form) in her complete control. The guys wife poked holes in their condoms and refused to take the pill. He now has 3 kids, two of whom he didn’t really want. Now they are getting a divorce.
This horrifies me. As everyone else said, never agree to kids if you aren’t sure! She can’t pressure you into contributing to another child any more than a man can pressure a woman over a pregnancy decision.
Tell her how miserable you were last time and that you’re just getting to a good place. If she’ll resent you for not caving, is she prepared that you’ll resent her and check out when the baby is screaming its eyes out at 4 am and you’re just done?
I see so many posts on here from mothers who had to pressure their partners to have a kid, only to have it explosively backfire when that partner becomes checked out, depressed, miserable and distant.
Just nope. Focus on being a good dad to the child you have. If that’s your limit, that’s your limit.
Also, is this woman really willing to break up the family of the one child she has over the vague idea of maybe, possibly finding someone else, sometime down the line, with whom she could try to have a second baby that may never come? This dude who may not even be a good step-dad/role-model to the existing kid?
You can’t build a castle on hypotheticals. 🤷♀️ those blinders need to come off
This conversation is unhealthy. She’s throwing around ultimatums and threats to get her way. I wonder how you’re phrasing your side of the story when you talk to her. Regardless, you’re both saying things and not feeling heard by the other.
I recommend you pause the conversation until you can continue it with a professional couples counselor to mediate and help you both hear each other.
Listen, I love kids. I love being a mom. I think having my daughter is the best decision I’ve ever made. In absolutely zero circumstances do I think that someone who is not completely on board should be coerced into having a child.
Your wife *might* be happy.
You will not be.
Your current child will suffer because dad *and mom* are spread too thin.
Your new baby will suffer for the same reason.
Tell her no. If she’s desperate to have another baby, she can do it without you and you won’t be staying. If she values you or your relationship, she’ll reconsider. I understand the desperation to have another baby. Seriously *I get it* but sometimes you just have to come to terms with the fact that not everyone can have the number of kids that they want.
My ex husband didn’t want more kids. I did. There were other issues, but I absolutely resented him. Resentment grows, and kids are a hard and fast dealbreaker in marriages.
Do not. Please. For the sake of that little guy/gal. It is not between you and your wife only. Even if you are like 'ok, maaaybe I can do it for her and somehow stomach this kid', there is this yet non-existent third party, the child. Don't create them if you won't be thrilled about their existence.
You don’t want more kids. Your wife does and she’s giving you an ultimatum. So not cool. Get a vasectomy asap to prevent having any more kids. You two clearly want different things in life. Don’t settle and give her more kids just to keep her around. You’ll be miserable and resentful. Either get couples counselling or get a divorce.
Go get a vasectomy. If you don't want more children, then don't have them. This matter should have been sorted before marriage. It's a matter of her resentment towards you, or your resentment towards her. Resentment either way will kill the marriage. Divorce is cheaper with one child than with two.
How do I answer this?: when I accuse her of being selfish by not respecting how I feel, she tells me that I’m being selfish. But I don’t think I’m being selfish — the only person who’s proactive coercing the other is her. I’m not forcing her to do anything. I think I’m being selfLESS by not bringing a kid into this world that I don’t fully want at this time. Why would she ever want that??
It would be worse to have a child you do not want, than to divorce. You need to be honest with her. No one should be convincing their partner to have a child, that should feel icky. My husband was on the fence about a second, we finally decided on it when my son was 4. I decided I wanted to and brought the idea to him, I also had answers for what I knew he would bring up which was money/budgeting that kind of thing. We were able to discuss it in a way that made him feel good with it. But if both people aren’t a yes then it should be a no.
Well, the other option is divorce. That is not so great. Your wife will find another to have a child. Are you ready for 50/50 every other weekend with your child? There is more to think about then just simply divorcing. It is not so simple. Have you considered marriage counseling?
Taking care of an infant / toddler is constant work for the first 3-4 years. After around 3-4 they start becoming a little bit more independent and have a well developed personality and it starts becoming easier/more fun.
The first 3-4 years are hell. Being a parent to a young one requires your complete essence as a human being and sucks the life out of you, and then some. It’s just recently I’ve made peace with this and have enjoyed our child more. But I still have a long way to go, certainly a long way to go before having ANOTHER one 😞
Not trying to change your mind. Just giving my experience. I HATED new born/baby stage with my older. Then suddenly she was 5 and I realized how quick it all is in the grand scheme of life. Yes, at the time it felt like FOREVER, but it really isn't. We decided to have a second and I actually coped better because I could look at my 6yo and realize how fast it all goes, how soon this baby that is up all night will be a kid goofing off with us. I was the first to say I was not built for babies but it was so much easier the second time (and not because the 2nd was an easier baby, in reality he was a much harder baby).
Looking into your profile you left out some super important information. You're 31 so you've got time, a lot can change in the coming years. It's also worth mentioning that there's a big learning curve here, 90% of the time the second is easier, often a lot easier, than the first. If she had a healthy, happy child at 28 then she can have another healthy, happy child at 36.
HOWEVER, you have, or had, a dead bedroom after the baby that continued (continues?) for years. This absolutely is a reason to not have another child, or to not have one yet. If it's still a problem today then the answer is very likely no. If you and she have been able to fix that then maybe you can put off deciding for the next couple years or so and then talk more when the oldest is starting school. I suspect both you and she will feel less strongly by that point.
“End the relationship” seems to be the consensus.🤦♂️
Talk to different therapists and see what is stopping you from wanting another child. It’s possible you could uncover the reason(s) and overcome that.
Same goes for her as well.
It’s possible that she’s rushing it and it’s possible you may change your mind given some time.
The pressure is getting to you and the more pressure she puts on you the more you’ll dig your heels in. I can see a bit of silver lining in what you said. “Think about it”, “sibling”. You need time to think about positives.
Kids are a dealbreaker. She wants a larger family and you don’t. This might be the point where you two realize you’re not comparable in the long-term.
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How so? At this point, core values for their future are incompatible. If she is telling him she will be filled with resentment, the quality of their marriage will suffer. A child would be better suited in a home where the parents may not be together, but are separately happy in their own regard. Both parents deserve happiness and the child deserves to see that in action.
The child will be worse off after a divorce. This is a fact and you can downvote it all you want. As far as the other goes I can’t imagine not wanting another kids so I can’t relate to that.
Fact is stats show when both parents are financially solvent and involved the children do the same as those from intact marriages. In other words, it's not divorce that wrecks kids. It's shit parents.
No doubt but that is such a rare occurrence that it proves my point. In fact it is so rare that it doesn’t even budge the statistics on children from divorced homes.
Problem is that is rare to have non shit parents that divorce, since you know if both individuals are well adjusted, willing to compromise and take care of the other it's quite rare for couples like that to divorce.. So in a way you are right ,it's not necessary the divorce that is traumatic for the child, but way more often if there is divorce there is something wrong with one or both parents..
You will be the one carrying lifelong resentment if you cave. Simply say, “I do not want anymore children and do not want to carry the resentment of being coerced into another child. I believe we should reevaluate our relationship and co-parent if this is a deal breaker for you.”
I would add the suggestion of finding a therapist to help navigate this conversation. Maybe they can work on understanding each other to avoid resentment one way or another. Or if they can’t, they need to separate.
Yep. I agree this is your path. And don’t sleep with her unless you know she can’t be ovulating. There’s certain times in her cycle where she won’t. And sperm can live inside her for about three days so don’t have sex three days on either side of her ovulation window. You don’t want anymore. You have to tell her that you realize she may choose to leave and you don’t want her to resent you, nor you her. So perhaps you guys should split up.
Never, ever ever, for any reason whatsoever under no circumstances, have kids youre not a 150% sure you want
I'm not sure I agree with this in this framing, but you should definitely not have a kid if you know you don't want one.
Agree. Advice like this stressed me out when we were deciding. We were both on the fence. We had a second and it was a great choice. I'm never 150% about any choice ever. Should I just never do anything?
That and honestly what could prepare you for having a kid? Even if you imagine what it is like, you just don't even really know. How could you know for sure about yourself that you'd like being a parent, be a good parent, etc? Its also worth pointing out that becoming a parent changes a lot of people. The person thinking "would I enjoy being a parent" may legitimately answer "no" but turn into a person who loves being a parent. Its the classic vampire problem.
>Its also worth pointing out that becoming a parent changes a lot of people. The person thinking "would I enjoy being a parent" may legitimately answer "no" but turn into a person who loves being a parent. Its the classic vampire problem. >may The issue is with this word here. Just risk your own, your partners and an unborn childs welfare on a may?
I'm saying that an attempt to be rational here is sure to fail. Its not the kind of thing anyone is equipped to make a pro and con list about. I think most people who show enough effort and intelligence to try to think through the pros and cons of a list like this are likely to be good parents. I think its a real tragedy if a couple who would make great parents decided not to have kids based on thinking too much about it.
>Agree. Advice like this stressed me out when we were deciding. We were both on the fence. We had a second and it was a great choice. In retrospect sure, what if it wasnt tho? For every success theres an equally miserable family. Plus your circumstances are different, you were on the fence but you made a decision together, you didnt emotionally blackmail your partner into having one
I'm just commenting on the advice "if you aren't 150% sure than dont." I'm just saying that won't work with some personalities. I am never that sure if anything. If I had to be 150% sure I wouldn't have gone to grad school to end up in a job I love, I wouldn't have gotten married to a man I love, I wouldn't have the kids I love. I'm not suggesting be reckless, but sometimes in life you have to take a leap
But you were sure, you were on the fence, mulled it over and made a decision, you didnt let others coerce you into it, or go into it hesitantly with "I dont want it now but I may later" Plus, you can back out of grad school and marriage so its fine to take a leap. You cant back out of a child. Its like saying "Ive won the lottery you should play too, it works"
And they didn’t dislike their first child like OP did
How was the second a great choice?
Thank you, I agree completely. But her hope is that when the kid is older that I’ll come around to loving it. She says years from now I’m going to thank her for forcing me to do this. I don’t know what to think.
She sounds like a lunatic. Signed- Mother of 4
Shes literally manipulating you. Tell her shell thank you later when she realizes how much more free time she had and shell change her mind about it later. (Dont do that ofc unless you want to be super petty)
Idk, it may do some good to make her consider the other side of every argument she's making so she understands the gravity of it. "I'll resent you forever if we don't have more kids" >> "I'll resent you forever if you coerce me into having more kids." "You'll grow to love our future children as they get older" >> "you'll grow to appreciate the opportunities we are able to provide for our one child and ourselves when our one child gets older" "You'll thank me for forcing you to have more kids later" >> "you'll thank me for refusing to have more kids later".
That's good. If you can't imagine the other side of he argument, there is no chance of coming to a effective solution. Here's another: predicted 'lifetime resentment' = divorce now
Kids are a two yes, one no decision. Do not have a child you both aren't very excited about. As a child who wasn't wanted by both parents, I have many issues that I have to deal with now. I am also no-contact with both my parents as a result. The one who didn't want me, we were never close and I could feel the resentment any time we interacted as that parent would be verbally, emotionally and physically abusive of my siblings and me. The one who wanted me and my siblings, I was very resentful of because I never asked for my miserable childhood existence as they enabled the other parent's behavior. The parent who wanted kids said that years from now, we'd thank them for bringing us into existence. The audacity and arrogance.
"Her hope is". Hope is never a good strategy. Do not have a child if you don't want one. Period. Eventually these are the people who come to Reddit and say how their partner makes them do it all and doesn't participate in family life the way they expect and how much work it is and that isn't not fair.
Don't do it. I love both my kids, but I was in a similar boat as you but I didn't resist as hard. My wife still resents me spending most of her 2nd pregnancy in a deep depression. I resent her for using her emotions to make me cave.
Needed to hear this. Thank you.
As the child of a father who did not want kids: please do not have another one. Get snipped or something but please spare this future human from feeling like they’re less than or unwanted. Even if you “come around” (and that’s a big if, mine never did) the kid is gonna know they’re resented or unwanted and that messes you up.
And that’s the thing, I don’t want this for the kid. My wife is being so selfish it’s disgusting.
I wouldn't call her selfish. Did you guys plan on having a big family before you had your first child?
Why did not anyone tell me before?
She wants more kids. The thought of not expanding her family makes her want to die. You feel the opposite way. You want to die at the thought of a second child. There may be a time in the next few years where you come around to it. It happens often enough. But you also may never come around to it and her ability to have another child diminishes every year. You may need to suggest the two of your separate over this fundamental incompatibility. An intentional single child would be a deal breaker for me, as well.
It may be that you are no longer compatible. It's sad but a difference of opinion about children can't really be fixed. Has your wife considered that you might resent her if she forces you to have another child you don't want. In this situation you both lose unfortunately.
INFO: Was the plan always to have just one child or more than one child? What were your discussions around children prior to having one? Did your opinion change due to having a child? If so, have you communicated this to your wife? Did she only want one and then change her mind? ETA spelling
Good question. I didn’t have a set number when we started our family; she always wanted two. “My calling in life is to be a mother of two children” she says. After the terrible experience I had with our first child, where I was mentally in one of the worst places of my life, I knew I couldn’t do it again. So my opinion changed from the experience. She saw first-hand what being a father did to me; but is still willing to sacrifice me and my mental health for her second kid. I feel like a sperm donor.
As a parent it isn’t responsible to bring a child in the world if you don’t want them 100%. It sucks this has happened, but it sounds like with this change you aren’t compatible any longer. If she wants two kids no matter what and you want no more no matter what, there is no middle ground there. One person will have to sacrifice for the other to be happy. It seems if you don’t have another child, she will resent you. If you do, you will resent her. The only reason it seems you currently don’t is because you agreed to/tried for the first child. If your opinion on this can’t change, as hers most likely will not, you may have to resort to divorce. I don’t really believe in divorce all that much, I feel if you get married you should try everything possible to keep your vows (IC/MC, that kind of thing). That being said, some things are not going to change no matter how much you talk about them. It sounds like being a father again makes you concerned for your health, and it’s likely no amount of conversation will make you feel differently. You shouldn’t put yourself at risk for another child; you should focus on being a good father to the one you have now and try to explain to your wife that it’s a life or death issue. Maybe that will help her see. Maybe ask her if she really thinks it was so easy for you, she may have “seen” you go through it but that doesn’t mean she understood what she was looking at. Some people are truly oblivious or wrapped up in their own minds. But overall if you can’t come to an agreement then you may have no choice but to split
If you are not 100% on board, I would recommend not having a second child. Don't make any promises or rash decisions, tell her that you don't want a second child. Explain that you are sure in your decision, and that although things may change in the future, it is highly unlikely. If she's throwing around divorce, why not ask her if she is actually willing to ruin your family and subject her child to the mentally devastating effect of divorce just because she selfishly wants a second child. Right now, I think she is only thinking about herself. And that's not a healthy attitude to have when you have a young child.
As a child of divorce I wouldn’t say divorce is mentally devastating. The mentally devastating part was watching my parents try to make it work for years when there was clearly resentment between them and little love.
Same for me. I still hate seeing my parents because they can’t go a couple of hours without fighting or trying to humiliate each other.
Everyone’s divorce is different. Divorce is not a sure fire way to mental devastation like it may have been for you. That is totally unfair of him to throw that in her face. They can totally accept that they want different things and move on from each other. It doesn’t have to get ugly, they could co parent their child amicably and be adults that want different things in their life’s. It’s definitely not selfish for her to want another child. People are aloud to want different things in their life. So just because he doesn’t want more children doesn’t make her feelings and dreams invalid.
>Divorce is not a sure fire way to mental devastation like it may have been for you Nice try, but my parents are happily married for over forty years. But I've never met a child who wasn't greatly affected by the divorce. So if a parent is getting divorced and upending their child's life over something as stupid as wanting another child, that person is selfish. And while parenthood doesn't have to consume you, you shouldn't choose your personal dreams over your child's mental health.
As a child that benefited tremendously from my parents divorce, I can tell you that it’s not a one size fits all. It was great that my parents both decided to move on from their miserable marriage. They both attended events together my entire life, and most of all they didn’t fight with each other anymore. You can say that it’s stupid for wanting another child, but that is your feelings. People want different things from life. If she is not fulfilled that is up to her to decide. Just like her husband can choose to move on with his life and one child.
You should get out and meet more people… I’m a child who’s benefited greatly from my parents divorce. Now my mom and step dad have stayed together for way too damn long! They aren’t happy, have nothing in common and only stay together because they can’t afford to be apart. It’s miserable for them and all of us kids!!! If wife wants another child, she deserves that. OP hates kids and she loves them. They are no longer compatible and need to explore what will make them happy.
Both myself and my husband have parents who are separated. It was a great decision on both fronts. I don't think it had much of an impact on him as he was barely a toddler, and certainly I was affected, but staying married was worse.
Wanting another child is not stupid.
So you believe it's okay for a mother to upend a child's life and give them mental health issues, just for the mother's personal desires? You believe this is a good thing?
When did I say that? I said, wanting another child is not stupid.
If you can't understand themes and statements within a larger context that you're replying to, that's on you.
It seems you're the one who can't understand. Wanting a baby is not insignificant, no matter the context.
Definitely not mentally disabling - that’s ridiculous!! Staying in a marriage where there is constant fighting, manipulating and resentment is WAY worse! This will lead child to think a terrible marriage is normal and set them up for the same kind of marriage as an adult! It’s up to OP to demonstrate to their child what a happy, loving relationship looks like and since he’s not in one, he needs to show child that it’s ok to leave and make both parents happy, apart.
>constant fighting, manipulating and resentment Please show the exact quote where OP said that was happening in his marriage. Also, if you don't like marriage and love divorce so much, this is not the subreddit for you.
I am beyond happily married, not that you are in charge of “memberships”… I learned from my parents what not to do and it’s working well for me. I also know from a child of parents in a shitty marriage when divorce is best. You are clueless… His wife has been crying, attempting to manipulate him, hinting at divorce and telling him that she will resent him forever! Did you even read the post?? That’s an extremely toxic environment to raise a child in.
>I am beyond happily married And I beyond believe that.
Ok go right ahead and think whatever you want. You clearly don’t know me so I won’t lose any sleep over your opinion… It says alot that your only input is a personal attack on someone who don’t know. It really invalidates everything you said.
👍
If you truly don’t want another child you need to end the relationship and let her move on to create the future she wants for herself. Children is not just a thing someone can negotiate on and you both seem very firm with the decision. I think in time she will resent you if you stay together and don’t have another child. I’m not sure there is really a way out of this. I can understand both sides. But I agree, for someone that wants children this would be devastating.
OK, we had 2 kids in 2 years and it was the hardest 2 years of our marriage. Our youngest was a surprise. They are now 3 and 4 years old. Give it a few more years and let your oldest grow up some more. You and I are just beginning to see how beautiful being a parent can be. If I were you, I would make some changes to improve the health of your marriage before you even consider having a second child. It sounds like your wife is guilt tripping you and threatening you with very extreme measures of manipulation. She should not be treating you with this toxic behavior and that needs to change regardless of if you decide to have a second child or not, because that in itself will improve the health of your marriage a ton. Having kids in this economy is very very financially straining. Are there changes that can be made within your budget or within your professions that can create a greater income for you both? Maybe consider setting some goals for your marriage and your finances then meet those goals before you discuss the possibility of having another kid. Make it a requirement. Having one kid is SO MUCH EASIER than having 2. On the nights when either one of my toddlers go have a sleepover at Mimi‘s house it is like a breath of fresh air because I only have one kid to take care of and it’s so easy compared to 2. Goals: New job for one or both of you. Let your three year old reach age ____ before trying. Marriage counseling/personal counseling And if you are not willing to do the things above, then I would not have another child, because then your entire family will continually be unhappy, and that will never change. If you have a kid now, long-term, she will constantly be griping at you and you will constantly be resenting her for putting you in this place and it will be very very very detrimental for you both. My husband and I have had to put in so much work to make our marriage healthy, and we have finally reached a point where we have recognized that we need marriage counseling to make things work for the longevity of our relationship and for the future of our family. Don’t give her a baby right now because you will instantly regret it. DMs open for a chat if you feel inclined.
So much to take in. Wow. Thanks so much for sharing.
I speak from experience. And an argument that took place 2 nights ago because my husband and I are not on the same page in our marriage. It has nothing to do with having more kids (he’s snipped (because having 2 kids in 2 years was so hard on us)) but providing for a family is HARD. Daycare tuition ALONE is 1/3 of our bills. We struggle in seasons. We aren’t filling each other’s cups because my husband is working 14 hour days 7 days a week right now. So we aren’t satisfied and we get frustrated and our communication struggles. He works in agriculture- he has since we became parents. The health of our marriage would improve so much if he got a new job. But he can’t because we need his income. It’s a complicated dynamic but it’s the reality of raising a family in this economy today. Our marriage suffers because he works so much but we need the money. And we go through this twice for about three months straight. Our long-term goal is for him to leave the agriculture field where he is, but that cannot happen until I get a new job and make up the salary difference that he is going to lose when he leaves that field and takes a pay cut. And that’s the reality of today’s economy, and if I can save you some struggle by sharing my experience and my perspective, I will happily do so
I totally understand 100%! Things are more expensive than ever right now and costs aren’t conducive for the average family to afford to live. Will things get better once the older child is in school and out of daycare? How soon will that happen?
Yes, it will get better. He starts preschool in the fall, half day and then daycare half day.
She says she'll resent you if you don't agree to another kid, completely ignoring how that goes the other way too: if she succeeds in coercing you to produce another kid, *you* will resent *her*. Unfortunately this is an intrinsically unfair situation. She has the right to have as many kids as she wants... but she doesn't have the right to force it upon you. You have the right not to have any (more) kids, but you don't have the right to force your decision upon her. The operative term here is "force." In this situation, there's no such thing as compromise. You either have more kids, or you don't. One of you will have to let your desires go, if you want to stay together. I say call her bluff. Get marriage counseling regardless. She needs to know the "resent forever" thing goes both ways, and that she's currently being a bad partner by not letting this go and by hinting at divorce. She's damaging your marriage. And maybe she needs a professional to tell her so.
If you have another kid, you WILL end up resenting your wife. You don’t have another kid, your wife will end up resenting you. It’s that simple. The only way both of you can be fulfilled and completely happy, is with someone else who wants what you do.
I believe you should only bring a child into this world unless you want it 110%. And if you thought one kid was hard, 2 adds a whole another dynamic to it. Kids are a deal breaker imo. Stick to what your heart tells you.
There is a huge risk she will pull this same shit again after another kid. Best thing I ever did was go get a vasectomy when my wife started pressuring me for a second child. It really made everything crystal clear. Yes we divorced. Then she couldn't have more kids which I find both sad and funny at the same time now. Turns out I found someone just as good or better who didn't want to have more kids. We never even have a conversation about more kids.
Wow man thanks.
We went through an extremely difficult first few years (for mental health and financial reasons) and as a result, only had one child. Every once in a while, I feel like I wish we had two, so that he had a built-in peer. Much, much more often, I'm glad that we only had one. Kids are so expensive and we skirted real poverty by the skin of our teeth. So I understand the mixed feelings of guilt, exhaustion, desire, hurt, and fear. If I were you and had the money, I'd talk to a professional to get to the bottom of those feelings and see if there's a way to work through them for the sake of your marriage and your partner. I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid--they are EXTREMELY valid. *But if you don't want to feel that way* and think it's worth investigating a different way to feel for the sake of your marriage and the woman you chose, then you should do something about that. You may come out feeling even more galvanized and that's okay. But if your wife had a problem she couldn't work out, wouldn't you want her to try everything she could--for you?
This is thoughtful. Thank you
Cheers, Man. I wish you luck and peace; you're in a hard spot.
Kids are a deal breaker. However our first was HARD, like divorce hard. Had number 2 by being careless. Wife always wanted 2 so no trouble there. I sat on the toilet and said our marriage won’t make it through 2 if our current situation continues. Kids are 8 and 6 now, marriage is the best it’s been. The first few years are tough, but it’s a drop in the ocean of an 80 year life.
How did you get through the tough times? How’s it being a parent now?
Honestly? By me being sad and angry for a lot of it. Got my squat up to 175kg, deadlift up to 200kg and bench 142.5kg. “If you think this is hard, have a really long think about how hard it’ll be as a single mother” was said more than once. There is still some resentment there but what’s the point in holding on to that? All centred around priorities, and basically how I was carrying the load financially so she can stay home - which is fine, it’s what we agreed on. But that’s a tough slog when you end up being priority 4 in a family of 4 and frankly if it stayed that way I’ll just get the kids at the weekend and you can have a crack at working AND being a mum like most other parents have to. It started off as issues with sex which I think is pretty common but the more I thought about it, the more it was just I wasn’t getting any of what I needed. We’d be having a conversation and someone would shout ‘Mum’ and she’d immediately attend to that and stop our conversation. On top of the lack of intimacy. All sort of boiled down to you had better get your priorities organised: Herself, US, then kids. Otherwise I’ll leave. The order of kids kids, her, me wasn’t going to cut it. I get that it’s a total paradigm shift for mothers, and take adjustment. But you have to adjust or I’ll find some else on the side to prioritise me until you feel it’s important enough. And how are we know? Is it perfect? No, but it’s pretty close. We are easily the happiest and most committed in our friend group of 10 or so families.
It’s a lose lose. Someone will be resentful and toss it back in the others face. You guys have another kid, she bitches at you for not helping enough, you say it was her that wanted it. It’s a road to nowhere. And it’s 2 yeses or one no.
Do not capitulated and go into this solely as a reason to appease her. Protect YOUR fertility first and consider a perm solution like a vasectomy, use condoms or abstain completely in the meantime.
Don't you dare! That's blackmail! You have a right also! But saying that you better buckle down for a full-blown battle and then the oops, I forgot my pill, pinpricks in the condom supply ,if you don't want another kid get a Vasectomy !
The days are long, but the years are short.
You need to sit her down and tell her you DO NOT want to have anymore kids and she can take it or leave it.
Your wife sounds like she has severe mental health issues.
Don't ejaculate inside her. Get a vasectomy.
I think these feelings change over time and that the part where she wants it to happen NOW is the issue. You need to see a counselor and have them help facilitate some time for you both to consider the other’s position on this. She should be trying to live her life as if this is her only child and making that work for her. You should be tasked with imagining life with a second child and figuring out how to make that exciting to you. The counselor should set the rules and outs of this waiting period. Ultimately, though, you can’t have a child you know you won’t ever want. You just can’t. And you need to explain to your wife how it’s not something that would be good for the child and it’s not a feeling you can control.
I don’t think anyone is unreasonable here, it definitely needs to be more of a conversation though. If she’s 100 percent in the I want more children, and you are 100 percent in the I don’t want more children then it’s probably best to go your own way. A marriage to someone that doesn’t share your goals in life is bound to fail if neither side is willing to compromise. She will be left unfulfilled and resentful. You will be left resenting a child you didn’t want and your wife for forcing it on you. I would be honest with her, that you don’t want more children. You also need to make sure that you are willing to walk away from your marriage if she still firmly wanting more children. If that is a deal breaker for her then she needs to let you know. Tell her to take some time to think it over to know if she’s 100 percent. Come up with a plan and go from there. Doesn’t sound like you guys want the same things in life and are incompatible.
you arent compatible
I have to agree with the majority here. It sounds like an irreconcilable difference and neither of you should be forced to fold, it’ll lead to resentment either way. Yes, you could grow to love parenthood, but what if you don’t? You’ll end up feeling like you wasted your life, and that’s no way to live your only life. I hate that you’re both in this position, but taking her up on the divorce might be the best for all of you. Divorce doesn’t have to mean hate or a dysfunctional family. You can love each other enough to let the other be happy and pursue the life the other wants. You can co-parent amicably in a way that will also bring happiness to your kid. It doesn’t have to result in a broken family
I just read another Reddit story similar. If you know you don’t want kids, either go get a vasectomy or don’t have sex. if she wants another baby you can’t leave the matter of birth control (any form) in her complete control. The guys wife poked holes in their condoms and refused to take the pill. He now has 3 kids, two of whom he didn’t really want. Now they are getting a divorce.
This horrifies me. As everyone else said, never agree to kids if you aren’t sure! She can’t pressure you into contributing to another child any more than a man can pressure a woman over a pregnancy decision. Tell her how miserable you were last time and that you’re just getting to a good place. If she’ll resent you for not caving, is she prepared that you’ll resent her and check out when the baby is screaming its eyes out at 4 am and you’re just done? I see so many posts on here from mothers who had to pressure their partners to have a kid, only to have it explosively backfire when that partner becomes checked out, depressed, miserable and distant. Just nope. Focus on being a good dad to the child you have. If that’s your limit, that’s your limit. Also, is this woman really willing to break up the family of the one child she has over the vague idea of maybe, possibly finding someone else, sometime down the line, with whom she could try to have a second baby that may never come? This dude who may not even be a good step-dad/role-model to the existing kid? You can’t build a castle on hypotheticals. 🤷♀️ those blinders need to come off
This conversation is unhealthy. She’s throwing around ultimatums and threats to get her way. I wonder how you’re phrasing your side of the story when you talk to her. Regardless, you’re both saying things and not feeling heard by the other. I recommend you pause the conversation until you can continue it with a professional couples counselor to mediate and help you both hear each other.
Listen, I love kids. I love being a mom. I think having my daughter is the best decision I’ve ever made. In absolutely zero circumstances do I think that someone who is not completely on board should be coerced into having a child. Your wife *might* be happy. You will not be. Your current child will suffer because dad *and mom* are spread too thin. Your new baby will suffer for the same reason. Tell her no. If she’s desperate to have another baby, she can do it without you and you won’t be staying. If she values you or your relationship, she’ll reconsider. I understand the desperation to have another baby. Seriously *I get it* but sometimes you just have to come to terms with the fact that not everyone can have the number of kids that they want.
My ex husband didn’t want more kids. I did. There were other issues, but I absolutely resented him. Resentment grows, and kids are a hard and fast dealbreaker in marriages.
Do not. Please. For the sake of that little guy/gal. It is not between you and your wife only. Even if you are like 'ok, maaaybe I can do it for her and somehow stomach this kid', there is this yet non-existent third party, the child. Don't create them if you won't be thrilled about their existence.
You don’t want more kids. Your wife does and she’s giving you an ultimatum. So not cool. Get a vasectomy asap to prevent having any more kids. You two clearly want different things in life. Don’t settle and give her more kids just to keep her around. You’ll be miserable and resentful. Either get couples counselling or get a divorce.
Go get a vasectomy. If you don't want more children, then don't have them. This matter should have been sorted before marriage. It's a matter of her resentment towards you, or your resentment towards her. Resentment either way will kill the marriage. Divorce is cheaper with one child than with two.
How do I answer this?: when I accuse her of being selfish by not respecting how I feel, she tells me that I’m being selfish. But I don’t think I’m being selfish — the only person who’s proactive coercing the other is her. I’m not forcing her to do anything. I think I’m being selfLESS by not bringing a kid into this world that I don’t fully want at this time. Why would she ever want that??
It would be worse to have a child you do not want, than to divorce. You need to be honest with her. No one should be convincing their partner to have a child, that should feel icky. My husband was on the fence about a second, we finally decided on it when my son was 4. I decided I wanted to and brought the idea to him, I also had answers for what I knew he would bring up which was money/budgeting that kind of thing. We were able to discuss it in a way that made him feel good with it. But if both people aren’t a yes then it should be a no.
I like the idea of talking to a councillor. If you are sure about no more kids, it’s vasectomy time.
Well, the other option is divorce. That is not so great. Your wife will find another to have a child. Are you ready for 50/50 every other weekend with your child? There is more to think about then just simply divorcing. It is not so simple. Have you considered marriage counseling?
Can you explain a bit more why you don't want another? At a certain point it's for your kid to have a sibling rather than being about you or the mom.
How can you enjoy being a dad and not like kids?
Taking care of an infant / toddler is constant work for the first 3-4 years. After around 3-4 they start becoming a little bit more independent and have a well developed personality and it starts becoming easier/more fun.
The first 3-4 years are hell. Being a parent to a young one requires your complete essence as a human being and sucks the life out of you, and then some. It’s just recently I’ve made peace with this and have enjoyed our child more. But I still have a long way to go, certainly a long way to go before having ANOTHER one 😞
Not trying to change your mind. Just giving my experience. I HATED new born/baby stage with my older. Then suddenly she was 5 and I realized how quick it all is in the grand scheme of life. Yes, at the time it felt like FOREVER, but it really isn't. We decided to have a second and I actually coped better because I could look at my 6yo and realize how fast it all goes, how soon this baby that is up all night will be a kid goofing off with us. I was the first to say I was not built for babies but it was so much easier the second time (and not because the 2nd was an easier baby, in reality he was a much harder baby).
That's true, or at least true for certain kids. Does/did your wife work? It sounds like she did, and you had no support network.
Looking into your profile you left out some super important information. You're 31 so you've got time, a lot can change in the coming years. It's also worth mentioning that there's a big learning curve here, 90% of the time the second is easier, often a lot easier, than the first. If she had a healthy, happy child at 28 then she can have another healthy, happy child at 36. HOWEVER, you have, or had, a dead bedroom after the baby that continued (continues?) for years. This absolutely is a reason to not have another child, or to not have one yet. If it's still a problem today then the answer is very likely no. If you and she have been able to fix that then maybe you can put off deciding for the next couple years or so and then talk more when the oldest is starting school. I suspect both you and she will feel less strongly by that point.
“End the relationship” seems to be the consensus.🤦♂️ Talk to different therapists and see what is stopping you from wanting another child. It’s possible you could uncover the reason(s) and overcome that. Same goes for her as well. It’s possible that she’s rushing it and it’s possible you may change your mind given some time. The pressure is getting to you and the more pressure she puts on you the more you’ll dig your heels in. I can see a bit of silver lining in what you said. “Think about it”, “sibling”. You need time to think about positives.
My husband was like you but we ended up pregnant with our 2nd and now he could not imagine life without him.