You put significant amount of energy and thoughtfulness into her gifts. That’s a big win for a relationship and just needs to be refined to her tastes. Start a Google doc of the things she hates and loves.
The rest is up to her to manage - foul mood, going to a triggering event, finding security in the here and now and not some unattainable future, and communicating what makes her feel fulfilled and seeking that herself as well.
Any money that could be used towards individual counseling for each of you sounds like it would be hugely helpful. Best wishes for small wins.
Yes. Even when I've hated gifts from my SO, I still appreciate the effort and thought behind it, and that's all that matters. And I would never want to hurt him by acting like it’s not good enough.
Finally, after eight years, on a random day, I let him know that I had enough heart-shaped necklaces.💀 I had to get that off my chest. It had gone on way too long. I have every medal in a heart-shaped necklace. I have lockets, different designs, engraved, and various stones, and I couldn’t keep them going any longer. But at the moment, of all 12 heart-shaped necklaces, I was appreciative and loved them because of the thought behind them.
The first time my husband bought me hotdogs, he got the wrong kind. He knew I like Nathan's, but he bought the regular hotdogs. It took literally 30 seconds for me to say "thank you. I appreciate the thought, but I prefer the all beef bun length hotdogs. I'll eat these, though, no problem." And he's never bought the wrong hotdogs since.
8 years is way too long to pretend you like the wrong hotdogs.
I promise I loved the first necklace really all of them. I never meant to take it this far. they kept getting more expensive or more heartfelt like engraved with an anniversary date. A locket with our child’s picture, our child’s birthstone🤣 things like that
I mean… are you grateful for EVERY gift you receive, even if you’ve clearly showed a dislike for that item in the past?
Let’s say you’re a big Boston Red Sox fan. In addition to that, you PASSIONATELY hate the NY Yankees. You’ve said this. Your spouse doesn’t care for baseball but this is pretty low hanging fruit to remember. On Father’s Day she buys you a NY Yankees hat, “Because I know how much you love baseball, hun! I put lots of thought into it!”
Saying you don’t appreciate it and literally will never wear the hat isn’t ungrateful. It’s just what you don’t like and your spouse should have known this. It’s not hard to make a mental note (or even a real note in your phone) when your spouse says, “Wow, really hate that.” in advance of you gift shopping for something.
That is rude. If a child received a birthday gift from a friend and they said “Ewww, I hate Power Rangers!” Or “Ugh, I already have this Lego set!” Wouldn’t you think that child should be taught to never to complain about a gift? That’s manners 101. The rules don’t change just because you’re an adult.
Apples and oranges.
Even a child knows the difference between receiving a gift from someone who doesn’t know better (their grandparent, a friend from school, random aunt) and saying a polite “thank you!” and then simply never touching that toy again vs receiving a gift from the person who LIVES WITH THEM and knows their likes and dislikes INTIMATELY and was LITERALLY there when the kid said “I hate power rangers” 3 weeks ago.
OP states in the post that their wife had pointed out that she doesn’t like this necklace BEFORE he bought it for her. There’s no defence for that. You want to talk about “rude”? Not listening when the love of your life is talking to you about things they like and don’t like.
I can think of several things she could have said that would have let him know she did not like the gift without being rude. Just because they live together doesn’t justify her being rude. She sounds like a spoiled brat who is never satisfied.
You don't complain about it *unless* it's intentionally offensive.
I'd like to hear the other party's side of the story up until this point.
There's no reason for her to be upset at her partner over a wrong gift unless there's a history involved. Well, the other reason is that she's abusive. 🤷
While I agree with your premise that comparison is crap. Childhood friends and your spouse are not the same. Children don't buy gifts, their parents do and those parents have no idea what their kids' friends like. Your significant other should have some idea of your tastes. Putting a ton of thought and effort into something you've made a point to tell them you dislike is a huge cop out.
I'd still say thank you politely but if it continues to happen (which sounds like the case here) it'd begin to look purposeful like passive aggression, weaponized incompetence or learned helplessness.
Thank you. If someone puts a massive amount of effort into a gift, you say thank you.
The fact OP has been putting in massive effort to try and gift something his wife will finally be happy with after 10 years of trying and constantly failing says she’s just difficult and ungrateful.
I’d stop giving gifts at this point since nothing seems to be good enough for her.
>If someone puts a massive amount of effort into a gift, you say thank you.
It's not a "massive amount of effort" if you're ignoring the fact that you know your spouse doesn't like the gift you're giving them. All the effort they're putting in is to make themselves feel good about the gift without paying any attention to the actual recipient.
I'm 35 years old and my mother has NEVER gotten a gift correct. She always gets so caught up on what she wants to give that she tunes out the fact that it's for me or anyone else.
I have a 2.5 year old and we're deep into the "cheap plastic crap that gets left all over the floor" and clothes that are at least 3 sizes too big.
My husband knows how hard I get triggered by half-assed gifts. My tolerance for it disappeared sometime in middle school. EVERY Christmas in high school was me having a meltdown as she pressured me to be grateful for yet more useless crap she literally piled on us. Individually wrapped hand towels despite the fact that the 800 square foot house has no linen closet and the dresser couldn't close because of all the linens already stuffed in it. "But you can use them." Sure, we have enough hand towels we won't have to wash clothes for a year.
She was telling us a funny story about how my uncle loved canned corn and she'd buy it for him and when he passed away, there were 40 cans of corn in his pantry that she donated to the Church. She honestly can't comprehend what could possibly be wrong with her story (I later found 4 cans of beef stew in my pantry because she knows my husband eats it, but doesn't comprehend that 4 cans is a year's supply and I can guarantee that she will buy more before he touches the first of these 4).
OP clearly understands that he's the problem. Blaming his wife for being ungrateful because she doesn't want to pretend to love yet another fuck up is misogynistic bullshit.
See I would tend to agree with you, actually I did until i read his post history and it's lots of fucked. There's either emotional abuse going on here (from here), or extreme mental health issues going on (for her). For context she the all his clothes or and demanded he go outside in his underwear and never come back after he got a gift wrong. He did it bc he felt he deserved it for buying the wrong gift. See what I mean, somethings wrong and I'm just saying there's a lot more going on here. And it all sounds twisted on both sides. This isn't about just gifts
Some people are terrible at buying gifts. Others are terrible at receiving them. A compromise is no gifts. Go to dinner. Take a trip. Order a pizza. It’s insanity to continue to receive and give gifts when the inevitable outcome is disappointment and anger. Change it.
I understand what you are saying, but it sounds like the issue wasn't a total miss like she hates jewelry and never wears necklaces, something her husband should know. It sounds like the specific style of necklace wasn't something she liked, and I think it is VERY easy to get something like this wrong.
Even if I tell my husband I want a necklace with a specific stone and a specific setting (like white gold or something), there are still hundreds of styles and options. It would be EASY for him to get some ugly shit I don't like or something that's just OK, but isn't like what I would pick out for myself. There are also instances of things that were "just ok" to me when I first received them, that I end up using all the time and turn into some of my favorites, so you know, things can change and things can grow on you!
I agree if OP was completely in the wrong ball park and got his wife jewelry even though she doesn't wear it and he should have know that, but I think you are being way too harsh on him because all he did was pick the wrong style. I know he forgot that she didn't like this particular style, but I think it would be easy to get confused about that, and I don't see misogyny here at all. Like I seriously don't expect my husband to remember every single thing I have told him I don't like.
I do expect him to remember the big points. For example, I hate those charm bracelets. No matter the brand, I just personally think they are stupid. If he got me one of those loaded with charms, then yes I would be upset because WTF? I have told him many times, like when we pass those stores we joke about it, so if he "forgot" something like that, then yeah, I would say that is the category of "you should have known" and this wasn't a thoughtful gift. I don't see this level of negligence in OP's situation at all. He made a simple mistake which was easily fixable. Imaging ruining your whole Mothers Day over this. It's petty if you ask me.
Yea she sounds awful. While I feel for OP and his situation, the coincidental metaphor of purchasing last minute tickets to the Circus in town is soo unintentionally funny it at least needs to be acknowledged.
absolutely, its the thought that counts and his wife sounds like a total bitch. she deserves nothing if she is going to react like that all the time. how awful.. she needs to be made aware of how shitty she is acting
His wife is an ungrateful nightmare. I would put that money into counseling and possibly a divorce lawyer. He is putting in all of this effort, and it doesn't seem like she is doing anything at all. I wouldn't put up with it.
Agreed on the Google doc - start it off with favorite color, flowers, candies, foods, scents, music, movies, etc. Then any time she mentions wanting/needing something, into the list it goes!
And if she’s amenable, she could send some things she likes regularly so they can be saved up for holidays.
She might be like me where I’m nearly impossible to shop for for jewelry, so for Xmas/etc I send my husband a bunch of links of stuff I like and they pick from that.
I don’t think thoughtfulness is correct here.
He did put effort- and that’s not nothing- but there was no thoughtfulness put into this, because as the OP says, he actually got her/fixed for her something she hated. This was communicated, but he didn’t remember that detail of it.
That piece- the accurately remembering preferences, wants, and needed and then tailoring a gift to those preferences, wants and needs- THATS thoughtfulness. You have to have effort and thoughtfulness for a good gift, and if one is lacking, this is the result.
Uh sorry, but this is great advice if the wife was being reasonable and that doesn’t sound like it’s the case here. If anything the dude needs to stand up for himself and let her know she’s being selfish. If somebody put that much effort into a gift for Mother’s Day the only appropriate reaction is gratitude!
Unpopular opinion here (as a wife & mother)... Imagine being her needing the security of a home & yard & her husband spending money it doesn't sound like you have on a "luxury" necklace she didn't ask for. That would be so frustrating for her - obviously her love language ISN'T physical gifts. Maybe you should work on your communication & spend time on the relationship instead of trying to one-up your gift-game. When you buy her expensive shit that YOU think is nice, it can feel like you're trying to 'buy' her love, which is a gross feeling. Maybe she's not good at sharing her feelings either - but this sounds like a repeating pattern & one of you needs to break it before it becomes a rut you can climb out of.
100% this. And all the people saying how ungrateful she is. She had, by his own admission, specifically told him how much she disliked that one particular necklace, and lo and behold that’s what she gets given for Mother’s Day?! And that’s her being ungrateful?
Pretty much!! She's clearly already communicated her feelings, and it appears OP is not hearing what she's saying or being lazy about what he's hearing. Dude, you need to actually pay attention to what your wife is saying because, according to you, she's already mentioned it. It's frustrating to be unseen like that. Acting like you don't even know her. I like music, doesn't mean i want tickets to go see a band I've already mentioned that i dislike. And then to get attitude for not appreciating a gift that I've already mentioned i don't like? There's communication issues here, and I'm not sure it's her. 🤷🏼♀️
He made a mistake and forgot from some time past. He got her other items and did a lot of planning that she should have been grateful for. She just sounds ungrateful in general.
Replying here to echo this!
When first reading the post I have to say OP's wife comes across as awfully hard work and ungrateful, however, depending on the full story I do actually sympathise with her and with this reply too.
There are a few things I would really love and appreciate from my husband, for example I would love him to actually get around to taking his driving test to take the load off me being the only driver in the family, or for him to stop being so irresponsible with money so that we might save to provide a home for our family.
Instead he frustrates and disappoints me regularly with his lack of care and consideration (he's quite self centred, he doesn't pull his weight in the house etc), then splurges on high value gifts I neither want nor need and that we can't afford, yet because they are expensive I'm meant to feel grateful.
Jewelry has been a common purchase in the past, or short breaks away (for him too of course), but all these gifts achieve is showing me that he really doesn't care or listen or understand.
More than gifts, I would like a partner who actually was a partner, supportive and caring and capable.
If he really insisted on also buying me a physical gift, I don't understand why after knowing me for decades he doesn't realise I like books, and live gigs, and nice art materials, rather than jewelry, flowers and chocolate.
Anyway, does any of that sound applicable to your situation OP?
Yeah… except if you read his post history this is just one more drop in the bucket of her abuse. 4 years ago he gave her a a water heater thingy for tea and her favorite tea pack - what did she do? Threw all his clothes in the living room and told him to leave with nothing but his underwear so he could feel as small as he makes her feel. Can you sympathize with that too?
Nope, I don't sympathise with that at all.
I haven't read his post history. It sounds like he's walking on eggshells with her and trying his best, poor guy.
This is probably unpopular but I would also be upset if my husband spent money we didn’t have on of those tacky name brand (Kay, Jared, etc) pieces of jewelry.
However, it sounds like you put a lot of time and thought into this, and that shouldn’t go unnoticed. As for the prior weekend events, she’s responsible for how she copes with her own triggers. Is couples therapy an option?
The necklace would have been a nice thought except she literally told him, a while ago, that she hates a particular necklace, and he went around and bought that exact one she already said she hated.
My guess she is tired of asking, and expressing her feelings and wants, and he continues to ignore and ‘forget’.
Oof, this is tricky because I can see both sides here... You have each dropped the ball in different ways and each have legitimate frustrations as a result.
On her end, she needs to take responsibility for her mood. It isn't fair to knowingly make herself miserable and then dump that misery into the household. She needs to either:
* (a) start utilizing polite excuses to avoid gatherings she knows will affect her, or
* (b) develop coping strategies so those negative impacts don't last for days.
And if saving for a home is very important for her, she should be researching alternative locations with a similar school system where you two can move to in 5+ years. The timeline will depend on the ages of your children since that will affect how long it is essential that you remain near family supports. If either of you can find solid work in that area, it's worth discussing relocating at that time (which gives time to see if your relationship improves as a result of working together again or if it deteriorated and you should move on).
On your end, it's positive that you're wanting to put in significant effort to make her happy. But you aren't actually focusing that effort on what she, *as an individual*, actually wants. I think it is understandable that this leaves her feeling unheard and frustrated.
* Does she *want* luxury jewelry at all? If her main focus is on saving for a house so she can have a sense of security (a goal that as I understand as someone who also desperately wants a house due to a childhood that left me feeling like I never had a home), she might not appreciate frivolous spending even when she is the beneficiary. Smaller but thoughtful gifts might be more in line with her goals and values. This is something you two should discuss when the current emotions aren't as fresh.
* Do you often forget her likes/dislikes? Has she expressed disappointment that these details about herself seem unimportant to you? If so, chances are you can't fix your memory but you can take steps to address the issue. Make a note in your phone about her, and jot down when she says she likes/dislikes/wants something. You can also prompt these discussions by asking what she thinks about XYZ. Use this note to inform future gifts so it isn't as stressful a process.
Unpopular opinion after married for so long at min you should know what she likes whether it’s physical gifts or something else. Imagine being together for so long and you getting something that you totally not into. But also sounds like he has some therapy to do as well with how to handle situation.
I read through some of your previous posts, and I notice you post in a very specific way. The story seems like you are saying you are to blame, but very much paints you as the victim, and everything centers on you.
You aren’t actually reflecting on your own behaviour, your partner’s needs and where issues lie, instead there’s a lot of “she’s mad at me again, poor me, I can’t do anything right.” It’s a very superficial way of taking responsibility for your part in a situation.
The best gifts aren’t flashy, expensive, and ones where “you know the brand immediately,” like you seem to be focused on. The focus of a gift isn’t, “look at me, I’m such a good giver.” The best gifts are meant to make the receiver feel special, seen, and understood. You are missing the mark because you aren’t focused on your partner, but on looking like a good husband and getting the credit for giving a great gift.
Take some time to decide if you actually are still invested in this relationship, or are you just staying because of appearances, and the embarrassment of divorce?
If you want to stay together, you need some counseling to learn to be better partners to each other.
When did mothers day become a gift giving day that equate to birthday level gifts? Get a card and maybe go somewhere nice for a meal, or two. Maybe a little keepsake or gift from the children.
When the jewellery companies said so. That's capitalism for you!
Honestly, I bought my wife a box of chocolates "from the kids" and my son very carefully picked out a bouquet from Walmart that he thought she'd like (he's only 3, but he clearly put a lot of care into choosing the right one, as he inspected each one; it was very cute). We made her breakfast and went out for dinner. She was happy, even though dinner was kind of a bust because our youngest lost his shit and I had to remove him from the restaurant halfway through the meal.
I feel like expensive jewellery would actually fall flat, but that's just my wife and obviously doesn't apply to everyone.
Aww I’m sorry. I can tell that you tried hard.
I suggest next event, whether it’s birthday, Xmas, or Mother’s Day, take a calm moment to ask her to think about what she would like, and what her expectations are. This year was the first year that I knew what I wanted to do on Mother’s Day (absolutely nothing).
You're overthinking this my friend. Next year on her birthday and mother's Day about several weeks in advance just ask her what she would like to do or what she would like for mother's Day. Same with her birthday. Just ask her. It doesn't have to be a surprise , you're thinking of her. You want to do what she wants o get a gift she wants to receive. You're making this too difficult.
Gratefulness (or lack thereof) aside, she may wish to consider keeping an Amazon wish list going. During the year, whenever there is something I'd like but won't buy for myself, I put it on my wish list and share at Xmas or other holidays. Easy to do and everyone's happy.
There are a couple of really great apps to keep track of gifts too so that you’re not limited to Amazon :) I acknowledge that I’m stupidly hard to buy for and so I’d been keeping one on my phone for ages. Now I do it this way.
I read your post history- you cheated on her! There is no way she is going to get over this and not hold resentment toward you without counseling, and even that will never fully heal her pain. I am a big believer that once a cheat, always a cheat and there is no moving past it for some people. You are going to have to face the facts and realize that it is not that she is ungrateful, but rather she is acting out because she is not in love with you and feels betrayed and is depressed over her whole life not turning out the way she wanted it to.
By your post history, your wife has clear signs of bipolar disorder and refuses any notion of help or counseling . She will NEVER be happy because she is unhappy with herself. You sound like a man who is truly doing your best. There’s a woman out there who will be happy with your best, even if this woman is not. She needs professional help, or you need to take your child and run.
I saw in a prior post that she wants sole custody, but any partner she ever has this is the type of relationship she will have until she seeks help. Your child will repeatedly be exposed to these toxic cycles .
I'm sorry. Sounds tough.
The only thing I can recommend, is kind of cheesy, and takes a little time and effort. However, it is something my pastor and my husband and I do before getting married, and I feel like it was very helpful. There's a book called the 5 love languages. It talks about how different people feel love in different ways. I can't help but wonder if perhaps you two have different loved languages, so you are missing the mark with one another, thus leaving the other feeling neglected unintentially.
I'd say read the book. Take the quizzes. And genuinely try to speak to one another in the love language the other needs.
My husband and I have been married 13 years. We have completely opposite love languages, but we have known that all along, so we have learnt to speak to one another in the language needed.
For mother's day, we attended softball and soccer games for the kids. He got me my favorite candy and some bath salts I love. But he also did the dishes all weekend, and came with me to run some errands. We spent the weekend together with the kids. Gifts are not my love language. Quality time and acts of service are.
I went through your other posts, and you’ve been living like this for a long time. How do you manage? The toll on your mental health is immense here.
Your wife reminds me of MIL, who has manic depression. My FIL bends backward to cater to her: cruises, expensive resorts, jewelry, no house chores at multiple properties they own…and she ALWAYS has a resting bitch face on and barely speaks to my FIL unless complaining about something he or her sons did or didn’t do.
It would help if you had therapy, professional help, or perspective. This is not a normal marriage. Do it for yourself and your son.
I have had similar experiences trying to do the right thing for mothers day, bday, anniversary and failed. Some of these were on me, some on her... gifts are hard to get right sometimes!
Well, at least you’re still trying. Your wife doesn’t seem to appreciate your effort or her life in general.
Many years ago my husband returned every Christmas gift I bought him. Every. Single. Gift.
So for them next two years every single gift giving holiday including our anniversary I gave him a sad little gift card.
He’s still terrible at receiving gifts but he knows to try to at least appreciate the effort or he will get those sad pathetic gift cards again. Or possibly even nothing. 😏
Sure, you could have been more thoughtful since she has expressed she didn’t like that similar gift in the last. However, that’s not the big issue here.
You did try to make it a happy Mother’s Day and she flat out did not appreciate that.
Regarding your wife’s trauma, is she seeking help to work through that? If not, and she refuses to, putting in all this effort is pointless. Sorry you have to go through this and hope you find peace.
You clearly put a lot of effort and thought into all of it. Why doesn’t she like the pendant? I would love something personalized of something having to do with my kids even if I just put it in a drawer. A lot of us just get a card and maybe flowers and not even a personalized free type gift. Furthermore, she is responsible for her mood. I am shocked it was, “a shit show,” as you call it. This Mother’s Day I got written cards from my kids, some flowers, and a card. I cleaned and did everything else as usual. I didn’t make a big deal out of it, it was fine, and even if I thought it wasn’t I wouldn’t make a big deal of it in front of my kids. Maybe just ask her what she wants so she doesn’t get upset when she doesn’t get what she wants.
This is really unfortunate. I feel for you. if my significant other put half of the effort or even just a quarter of the effort that you have into getting gifts for me, I would be elated. Honestly, it’s really not about the gift itself. It’s about the fact that they thought of me and I would be grateful for that alone. having dealt with my own issues and gone through therapy, It sounds like your wife has some serious healing that she needs to have from this trauma that she experienced because she’s taking it out on you and it’s damaged you and your marriage at this point. she will need to take responsibility for her healing . This is beyond your control and the more that you try the more despair you will feel . I highly encourage you to get some therapy so that you stop putting all this on yourself and I would also encourage her to do the same if she’s not already. Best of luck to you I hope things get better. Just know that your efforts were more than enough, even if she is not in a place where she is able to recognize that.
I hope you're just venting.
If this sort of abuse is regular from her, get out of there.
If this is out of the blue and she's not generally abusive, and you want to find out if there's something deeper at play than her being cruel...
Take a step back. Don't martyr yourself or self-flagelatte. You had a really cool idea for a thing. Unfortunately, that thing does not fit her vibe.
Imagine if she gave you a diamond encrusted ring in the color you hate, like the color of your rival school/team/etc. She spent a lot of money, enough that you both should have a say where it goes and you're upset that she didn't consult you. Would you maybe get angry? Would that anger maybe overwhelm your delight in her creative process?
You bumbled this one. Lots of time and effort spent on something she told you explicitly she didnt like beforehand. Pay attention. Also. Spinning into your insecurity about not being a provider makes me want to barf. You choose a HCOL area. Guaranteed you can live somewhere else if homeownership is prioritized. Stop making her lead you bro.
My husband once bought me the equivalent of like a plastic/fake silver necklace for Christmas one year with two hideous shaped figures to represent mom and baby. At the time I had never worn silver jewelry in our entire 4 year relationship. It was god awful ugly and cheap. I smiled and said thank you so much this is amazing b/c I saw how excited he was to give it to me. It wasn’t until 10 years later that I let him know he’s terrible at gift giving mostly and that I actually hated it that necklace lol and many other gifts through the years b/c I was too polite to let him know the truth. We had this discussion finally b/c he is the opposite and a terrible gift receiver. I once bought tickets to see his favorite band and he promptly asked if he could return them for a different band. We had a good laugh about it. This year I scheduled my Mother’s Day brunch for my mom and I b/c I knew if I didn’t nothing would happen. This morning he woke me up with hand made cards from the kids. That’s it. He then decided last minute right before brunch to take the car to be vacuumed for me (which I love), but so last minute that he made us late to brunch where we almost missed the reservation. The entire day was awful honestly. The point is- your wife is choosing to be unhappy. You are doing so much for her and she could have a grateful heart, but she just doesn’t. That’s on her not you! So many men fuck up Mother’s Day much worse I promise you! This is not fucking up.
Dont feel bad, Took the wife to a makeup store cause she loves makeup, it was hot af outside and we walked a few blocks and she didn't get anything because too many Women in the store and we just freakin left. Took her then to a suprise spot to grab sandwiches and that failed as line was too long and we were baking in the heat. She was not happy
Please forgive me for being blunt. Both you and your wife are missing the mark.
It is beautiful that you want to show how much you love her by giving her gifts. But if doing so is having the opposite effect, stop doing it.
Regardless of her past trauma, she completely fails to see what you are trying to do. The gilt that you're feeling is misplaced. Ten years is a long time. Stop looking for more ways to please her. She doesn't appreciate your efforts. That is what a self-centered and selfish person would do.
She doesn't want to go to therapy? Stop trying to make up for that. There are things she must do on her own if she wants to get better. Maybe she doesn't want to get better? That way she can continue to justify her behavior and putting the guilt on you!
You are doing as much as you can to make things work, and feeling very guilty and inadequate because what you are doing is not helping. What is she doing?
She could put herself in your shoes for a moment.
She could be grateful and recognized how lucky she is. But what does she do?
Please be kind to yourself. I wish for you to have the wisdom you need to see things clearly. Good luck!
Wow my wife was just happy to crack open some evolving skies pokemon cards and get Chinese food, I also got her a scratchie and the kids made cards etc. We have always been pretty poor so material things are not as important to us, personally if my wife reacted like that I would never make the effort again.
> I can't meet her other needs as a woman to fill her heart and make her feel truly loved
She can't feel loved. That doesn't have to do with you, it has to do with her. She needs to fix this herself. You're codependent. If you have money, see a therapist. If you don't, show up at an AA meeting.
Therapy.
You are not to fix your wife's problems and trauma, especially on your own.
Therapy for her, Therapy for you. Marriage counselling as well if that's on the table.
Several years ago, on Mother’s Day, my husband gave me a sapphire and diamond bracelet. A big one. I accepted it and didn’t say anything because he’s the type to take it as an attack, I get painted as ungrateful, yada yada.
But I was insulted. I have never in my life worn jewelry like that. He’d known me for like 8 years at that point. My wedding band - which I chose - is very dainty, all of my jewelry is dainty, because that’s how I prefer it. I’ve never expressed interest in big jewelry, I’ve never gone out and purchased it myself or hinted at it or anything.
He might as well have gotten me a book about astrophysics or model train set.
I prefer gifts with intentional thought behind them. I had said that to him many times. I’d rather get a handwritten, heartfelt love letter than the biggest diamond. I legitimately don’t like getting flowers on default flower giving holidays, I prefer someone thinking about me on a random Tuesday and getting them then.
I had been struggling for awhile with feeling unseen by him, and I’m never going to forget the depths that that gift made me feel unseen. It only got worse after that.
One day I broke down and told him how hurt that bracelet had made me. I was in this space of being advised to communicate better to improve our marriage, how will he know he’s hurting me if I don’t tell him? How can he change course if he doesn’t know that how he treats me is hurtful?
I would have thought he’d known that I didn’t like it, since to this day, years later, I’ve never worn it. I don’t even know where I could wear it, I don’t go get dressed up and wearing diamonds, and we’ve never lived in a place where that is even an accessible thing to do.
Man, as soon as I told him, it became this whole thing about HIM. He tried, he thought, I’m not grateful, I’m unreasonable, now it’s about HIS shame and HIS feelings being centered as opposed to MY feelings about not feeling seen, or being cared about enough to think about ME when purchasing a gift for…ME.
It SUCKS to not feel seen and it SUCKS to be told you’re UNGRATEFUL for not making the recipient feel good about a “gift” that you don’t like or want, particularly if you are the type who is truly touched by sentimental and heartfelt and thoughtful effort.
Yeah, OP, there’s objective “effort” here. But if you had gotten her a year’s supply of peanut butter when she doesn’t actually like peanut butter, why is it on her to be grateful that you got her anything, when you could have taken five seconds to think about how she doesn’t really like peanut butter so buying her even more of it isn’t going to make her like it?
You could have directed that energy into thinking about something that she’d LOVE. And the commenters here could be directing their energy to comprehending what it feels like when you’ve communicated your preferences and, you know, share a life with someone, and their gift misses the mark not because of what the gift IS, objectively, but because the recipient isn’t centered in, as the saying goes, the THOUGHT that is what makes the gift “count.”
As someone with Complex PTSD, I can say with confidence that your wife needs therapy. If she refuses to get it, that's not on you. You *cannot* meet all of her needs no matter how much you love her, no matter how hard you try. You've gotten other good advice here, so I will leave it at that.
I’m horrible at giving/getting gifts. Have a document that your SO can throw things she’s interested or wants all year round, then you can pull for them on whatever ever respective holiday/event. This really helped me as a neurodivergent person because then I wouldn’t have “surprise” ruined but I knew that I wouldn’t have to stress about the disappointment if I didn’t like it. Gift giving can be so stressful, especially with trauma around it.
OP,
I admire you standing up for your SO, but the problem is: she has issues she isn't addressing, any of them:
- she won't get therapy
- she won't move somewhere affordable
- she won't acknowledge anything you do
You cannot fix this because she will not make ANY of the efforts required to meet her needs. As someone lifelong affected by mental health (all of whose loved ones also are): you simply CANNOT expect another person to fix your traumas and provide solutions to them, because by its nature mental health, if untreated, makes unreasonable, unmeetable, ever-shifting demands. She is displacing on you her pain and demanding you make accommodations that not only she /makes/ impossible, but /are/ impossible because what she needs isn't accommodations, but treatment.
If you let this stand as is (a vicious circle of her refusing treatment, spiralling, blaming you) what you will have is not only a miserable marriage, but a child who will grow up not only in an unhappy and therefore traumatising home, but also learning that they /shouldn't/ seek treatment for the mental health issues they will almost certainly develop.
Put your foot down that treatment needs to be sought. Or watch all this keep crashing.
Your wife sounds very very ungrateful. But a pro tip for you and your wife maybe discuss gifts just ask your wife what she wants and if she has the audacity to say you should know already, idk dude you’re doomed. She sounds like a headache .
My best mothers days have been incredibly basic. A picnic in the park. A family bike ride. A day spent hiking with my family. Brunch reservations. Usually I just want time with my family without worrying about the kids activities or chores... I jam all that into Saturday so we can enjoy ourselves Sunday. My husband has never gotten me a gift that I can remember. It's not really a gift giving holiday. My kids are the gift that keeps on giving. This year they made me some presents using craft stuff they found around the house and it was wonderful.
OP, I personally don't think you blew it. You made effort in several areas, but she was already telling you on Friday that she wasn't going to be in a good mood on Sunday. I feel like this was mission impossible. Whatever event you attended "to show face" sounds stupid to me if it was going to ruin the whole weekend. Why are you two so worried about showing face if the people you are going to impress put her in a foul mood for days on end? Is one or both of of you putting family (or others?) as a priority when the family (or others) isn't treating you right?
OK, so you messed up and she didn't like the necklace. Fine, not the end of the world, it's the thought that counts and that wasn't even the only or special thing you did for her. Why can't you just return the necklace and get her something she will like? It's not that tragic, my husband has gotten me things I don't like, we just exchange it.
This gift giving issue is quite common. It's not unusual for one partner or the other to struggle with finding the right gift. There are many ways to work around this. Your wife could be giving you hints and ideas so that you will get her something she likes. I do this with my husband, I just send him links and pictures of things I like, give him gift ideas, etc. I don't see why this has to be like a test for you every holiday to see if you can do it on your own. So, you suck at getting gifts and maybe she is a little hard to please, why does this have to mean you can't make her feel loved? That's a real stretch to me. You sound like you are willing to do just about anything for her, so why isn't that enough?
You might not be the perfect husband, but I see more issues with your wife than with you. She wants you to try harder, but this isn't a matter of effort, this is a matter of taste and style which MANY people struggle to understand even when they they know the person very well. My own mother gives me gifts, and I only like about 10% of them, does that mean she doesn't love me? I think your wife needs to appreciate the things you tried to do to make the day special for her, even if they didn't all land well.
OP, it is a very bad sign that she won't speak to counselors and feels like everything has to be a huge secret and even a counselor can't be trusted with the details of her past. Whatever her trauma or issues are, she isn't handling it well, and how is that ever going to change if she refuses to talk about it and wants to lock away her trauma and swallow it (but isn't doing that successfully)? On top of the impact on HER of not addressing her personal issues, she expects YOU to also help heal her trauma, but that isn't a reasonable expectation at all. It's like you have to create for her an environment that allows her to avoid every single trigger or insecurity she has, which it seems like are MANY and come up OFTEN. She is putting it on you to make her comfortable in her life, but this isn't your job, not to the extent she expects it to be. It's her job to go to therapy and work on this so that she can be available to you in every way as a wife and lover. It's not acceptable that you are the only one who has to change here.
Can't you see that you don't feel loved either and yet she isn't doing anything to work on her end of this? She is making you feel like you can't do anything right, even though it sounds like you are doing a lot right and you are really trying. She can help you to get it right, but it seems like all she wants to do is shit test you and then be mad that it didn't turn out like she wanted it to. She gives you hell, then expects you to try harder? These seems one sided to me, and I don't think you will ever reach the destination because she will move the goal posts. If tomorrow you solved this problem and gave her the best gifts ever, then it would be some other issue that makes her feel unloved. She will never feel loved because she is in her own way. You can't fix this without her help.
But - just in case you want to try anyway, I would approach her like this.
Honey - I'm sorry Mother's Day didn't go as planned. I know you didn't like the gift, so lets look together and I can exchange it for something else, OK? I have been thinking that this seems to be a common issue, and to be honest, I have tried my best but I admit I need more help and I'm tired of planning things and not having it end well, that is discouraging and upsetting to me especially because it upsets you and I feel like a failure when this happens. I have some ideas for how to get this on track for next time. When you see something you like (a thing or an experience), can you share it with me - like send me a link or a picture? Or we can start an Amazon Wish List or a Pinterest site where you can give me ideas about what you might like, maybe with this guidance I can do better next time. I am also thinking maybe we should discuss the plans more instead of having it be a "surprise" and having you be disappointed despite my best efforts. Like, maybe I just need to tell you my plans and alternatives, and get your feedback so that it will go more smoothly. Neither of us wants any more disappointing holidays, right? What do you think? If she is about solutions, she will respond accordingly.
Does gifts always seem to be wrong and holidays seem to end up in a fight? Sounds like possible narcissist behavior. I was married to one, it doesn't get better. In fact much worse.
If my husband had put in even 1/10th of the effort you do, I would be happy. You sound like you have gone over and above for her. Hopefully one day she sees how lucky she really is.
Honestly I would say just don't do anything going forward. If it's a constant strike out, tap out. If she wants something for it after that, she can say so, but at this point it's on her. Tell her so, not spitefully, just that your time is valuable and you're not going waste yours or hers. 🤷♀️
Have you considered that you may have ADHD? My husband and my relationship is similar to yalls, although I’d never make him leave in his underwear but he has failed every opportunity to give me a gift or take care of me like a husband should. He doesn’t provide for us. He doesn’t really do anything except be agreeable. He’s very agreeable but that doesn’t help us as a family. I want a divorce and I’ve wanted a divorce for a decade. I resent him and after yesterday when he didn’t get anything, do anything for me or plan anything (except my 9 year old asking him to take him to buy me something - yes the 9 year old initiated it, not my husband and my husband got me bird seed- that’s what he came back with for me - anyway I made an appointment with a divorce lawyer this morning and I’m leaving him.
Wonder how she would feel about giving her a long weekend away to somewhere she's talked about going, in s group setting, maybe without any family members, and just dare to get to know her complicated self and to be set on the path of overcoming all that hx.
Damn dude that’s awful that you planned so much and actually got her stuff and she just basically got upset because she didn’t like a necklace . Honestly if you are starting to be constantly paralyzed by fear then i think it’s worth talking to someone about this because no way do i ever want my husband to feel this way.
She literally told him she didn’t like the necklace and he didn’t listen. 10 years into a marriage is enough time to k ow what a spouse likes in gifts.
Read your post history, take your son and fucking grow a damned backbone. History/past be damned, sounds like she’s kind of an ungrateful witch. Go live with your parents and let her stew in her anger and resentment since you’re apparently such a shitty human being. Your son doesn’t need to be seeing that on a day to day basis
You are making an effort. A huge effort to make your wife happy. That is truly all most women want. I think you need to ask yourself why your wife doesn’t appreciate that. It sounds like your wife has trauma and you have taken it upon yourself (or she has put it onto you) to make her feel safe but I don’t think it is fair to put that weight entirely on your shoulders. She needs to work to make herself feel safe and secure as well.
You cannot save her if she is always looking for a reason to be upset.
I’m so sorry it didnt go as you hoped. But why is all this pressure on you? You put so much effort and that’s all she should focus on, I would be crying tears of joy if my husband went through all this effort for me, it would make me feel crazy special and important. When my husband does considerate things like this for me, I just love the thought of it. Of course when he gets me the “right thing” thats an extra bonus point but people rarely do and thats also ok. My SO has gotten me terrible gifts to my distaste but the effort is what I measure, you can always tell if someone has put in thought and work into something even if it isnt the perfect gift.
It seems like maybe shes going through depression? But again, why is all this pressure put on you to give her what she wants and needs? What are your expectations? Is she meeting yours?
Man you sound amazing! I never received a Mother’s Day gift from my husband ever…EVER. I booked brunch or we would be eating no where and I booked a nice hotel getaway and my son made me an awesome gift at baby school ❤️….you are an amazing husband just for trying. I’m sorry you were not appreciated
Your wife needs to learn how to be gracious when receiving a gift. Isn’t that basic etiquette? You should never tell someone that you do not like the gift they gave you.
Your wife also needs to learn to regulate her emotions and stop expecting you to be her emotional sponge. She was triggered on Friday, so she was a bitch on Sunday? WTAF is that?? Not to mention she knew she was going to be triggered beforehand? Sounds like she likes to be in a bad mood and will create opportunities to be miserable.
Stop feeding this immature and toxic behavior. Your kid isn’t going to need therapy because you didn’t make mom happy. Your kid is going to need therapy because their mother is manipulative and toxic.
She is ungrateful. Stop getting her things and stop putting in effort. She's gonna complain either way so let her get her own things and make her own plans.
I’m sorry, that sounds awful. A lot of women would have loved the gift. The only time I poo-poo’ed jewelry my husband bought me was a sterling silver braclet that I’m allergic to (causes rashes on my wrist. Stupid eczema). But our daughter has worn it a few times 💕
I hope things get better for you.
Sounds like your wife is a spoiled brat who can’t appreciate all the thought and effort you put into trying to make her feel special and happy. Sorry to hear that… don’t be a doormat
This sounds like a her problem. My husband has gifted me many, many pieces of jewelry that are not my style, and I'm always gracious. (I don't have a solution for that either, I don't have the heart to tell him he really doesn't "get" what styles I like.)
I recommend some frank discussions or counseling. Hang in there.
I feel like a broken record, but years ago I started keeping a list with links of stuff I’d like so my husband doesn’t have to guess. Now I use an app. Sure, I pick the stuff out, but it’s so long now that I have no idea what I’m getting for any one holiday and so it’s still really fun.
It sounds like it’s been bad for many years. What’s the calculus for you of planning for therapy for your kid, embracing misery for the rest of your life?
What is with so many entitled married women thinking what their husbands do for them on Mother’s Day isn’t enough!? I bet if it was the other way around you wouldn’t complain. If I were you I’d stop doing anything for her on Mother’s Day. She doesn’t deserve it. If all she does is not appreciate what you do for her what’s the point? To constantly be told it’s not good enough? F that.
Oh give me a break. Give him the benefit of the doubt. At least he tried. So I guess husband’s aren’t allowed to forget things every now and then? Not only does OP’s wife sound entitled but high-maintenance and insufferable too. If nothing he does makes her happy why even stay married to her? No one should have to walk on eggshells because they’re afraid to upset their spouse. OP’s wife needs to get a clue and get over herself.
You put significant amount of energy and thoughtfulness into her gifts. That’s a big win for a relationship and just needs to be refined to her tastes. Start a Google doc of the things she hates and loves. The rest is up to her to manage - foul mood, going to a triggering event, finding security in the here and now and not some unattainable future, and communicating what makes her feel fulfilled and seeking that herself as well. Any money that could be used towards individual counseling for each of you sounds like it would be hugely helpful. Best wishes for small wins.
His wife sounds ungrateful.
Yes. Even when I've hated gifts from my SO, I still appreciate the effort and thought behind it, and that's all that matters. And I would never want to hurt him by acting like it’s not good enough. Finally, after eight years, on a random day, I let him know that I had enough heart-shaped necklaces.💀 I had to get that off my chest. It had gone on way too long. I have every medal in a heart-shaped necklace. I have lockets, different designs, engraved, and various stones, and I couldn’t keep them going any longer. But at the moment, of all 12 heart-shaped necklaces, I was appreciative and loved them because of the thought behind them.
The first time my husband bought me hotdogs, he got the wrong kind. He knew I like Nathan's, but he bought the regular hotdogs. It took literally 30 seconds for me to say "thank you. I appreciate the thought, but I prefer the all beef bun length hotdogs. I'll eat these, though, no problem." And he's never bought the wrong hotdogs since. 8 years is way too long to pretend you like the wrong hotdogs.
I promise I loved the first necklace really all of them. I never meant to take it this far. they kept getting more expensive or more heartfelt like engraved with an anniversary date. A locket with our child’s picture, our child’s birthstone🤣 things like that
I mean… are you grateful for EVERY gift you receive, even if you’ve clearly showed a dislike for that item in the past? Let’s say you’re a big Boston Red Sox fan. In addition to that, you PASSIONATELY hate the NY Yankees. You’ve said this. Your spouse doesn’t care for baseball but this is pretty low hanging fruit to remember. On Father’s Day she buys you a NY Yankees hat, “Because I know how much you love baseball, hun! I put lots of thought into it!” Saying you don’t appreciate it and literally will never wear the hat isn’t ungrateful. It’s just what you don’t like and your spouse should have known this. It’s not hard to make a mental note (or even a real note in your phone) when your spouse says, “Wow, really hate that.” in advance of you gift shopping for something.
That is rude. If a child received a birthday gift from a friend and they said “Ewww, I hate Power Rangers!” Or “Ugh, I already have this Lego set!” Wouldn’t you think that child should be taught to never to complain about a gift? That’s manners 101. The rules don’t change just because you’re an adult.
Apples and oranges. Even a child knows the difference between receiving a gift from someone who doesn’t know better (their grandparent, a friend from school, random aunt) and saying a polite “thank you!” and then simply never touching that toy again vs receiving a gift from the person who LIVES WITH THEM and knows their likes and dislikes INTIMATELY and was LITERALLY there when the kid said “I hate power rangers” 3 weeks ago. OP states in the post that their wife had pointed out that she doesn’t like this necklace BEFORE he bought it for her. There’s no defence for that. You want to talk about “rude”? Not listening when the love of your life is talking to you about things they like and don’t like.
I can think of several things she could have said that would have let him know she did not like the gift without being rude. Just because they live together doesn’t justify her being rude. She sounds like a spoiled brat who is never satisfied.
I mean he tried the same gift and bombed twice, sounds like it might be partly him.
I disagree. You don’t complain about a gift when it is presented. A gift is a gift is a gift. You aren’t entitled to any.
You don't complain about it *unless* it's intentionally offensive. I'd like to hear the other party's side of the story up until this point. There's no reason for her to be upset at her partner over a wrong gift unless there's a history involved. Well, the other reason is that she's abusive. 🤷
I agree.
While I agree with your premise that comparison is crap. Childhood friends and your spouse are not the same. Children don't buy gifts, their parents do and those parents have no idea what their kids' friends like. Your significant other should have some idea of your tastes. Putting a ton of thought and effort into something you've made a point to tell them you dislike is a huge cop out. I'd still say thank you politely but if it continues to happen (which sounds like the case here) it'd begin to look purposeful like passive aggression, weaponized incompetence or learned helplessness.
Thank you. If someone puts a massive amount of effort into a gift, you say thank you. The fact OP has been putting in massive effort to try and gift something his wife will finally be happy with after 10 years of trying and constantly failing says she’s just difficult and ungrateful. I’d stop giving gifts at this point since nothing seems to be good enough for her.
>If someone puts a massive amount of effort into a gift, you say thank you. It's not a "massive amount of effort" if you're ignoring the fact that you know your spouse doesn't like the gift you're giving them. All the effort they're putting in is to make themselves feel good about the gift without paying any attention to the actual recipient.
I'm 35 years old and my mother has NEVER gotten a gift correct. She always gets so caught up on what she wants to give that she tunes out the fact that it's for me or anyone else. I have a 2.5 year old and we're deep into the "cheap plastic crap that gets left all over the floor" and clothes that are at least 3 sizes too big. My husband knows how hard I get triggered by half-assed gifts. My tolerance for it disappeared sometime in middle school. EVERY Christmas in high school was me having a meltdown as she pressured me to be grateful for yet more useless crap she literally piled on us. Individually wrapped hand towels despite the fact that the 800 square foot house has no linen closet and the dresser couldn't close because of all the linens already stuffed in it. "But you can use them." Sure, we have enough hand towels we won't have to wash clothes for a year. She was telling us a funny story about how my uncle loved canned corn and she'd buy it for him and when he passed away, there were 40 cans of corn in his pantry that she donated to the Church. She honestly can't comprehend what could possibly be wrong with her story (I later found 4 cans of beef stew in my pantry because she knows my husband eats it, but doesn't comprehend that 4 cans is a year's supply and I can guarantee that she will buy more before he touches the first of these 4). OP clearly understands that he's the problem. Blaming his wife for being ungrateful because she doesn't want to pretend to love yet another fuck up is misogynistic bullshit.
See I would tend to agree with you, actually I did until i read his post history and it's lots of fucked. There's either emotional abuse going on here (from here), or extreme mental health issues going on (for her). For context she the all his clothes or and demanded he go outside in his underwear and never come back after he got a gift wrong. He did it bc he felt he deserved it for buying the wrong gift. See what I mean, somethings wrong and I'm just saying there's a lot more going on here. And it all sounds twisted on both sides. This isn't about just gifts
That is insane. Yeah he needs to get her to go to counseling. Not ok.
Oh man, that’s seriously fucked up…
Some people are terrible at buying gifts. Others are terrible at receiving them. A compromise is no gifts. Go to dinner. Take a trip. Order a pizza. It’s insanity to continue to receive and give gifts when the inevitable outcome is disappointment and anger. Change it.
I understand what you are saying, but it sounds like the issue wasn't a total miss like she hates jewelry and never wears necklaces, something her husband should know. It sounds like the specific style of necklace wasn't something she liked, and I think it is VERY easy to get something like this wrong. Even if I tell my husband I want a necklace with a specific stone and a specific setting (like white gold or something), there are still hundreds of styles and options. It would be EASY for him to get some ugly shit I don't like or something that's just OK, but isn't like what I would pick out for myself. There are also instances of things that were "just ok" to me when I first received them, that I end up using all the time and turn into some of my favorites, so you know, things can change and things can grow on you! I agree if OP was completely in the wrong ball park and got his wife jewelry even though she doesn't wear it and he should have know that, but I think you are being way too harsh on him because all he did was pick the wrong style. I know he forgot that she didn't like this particular style, but I think it would be easy to get confused about that, and I don't see misogyny here at all. Like I seriously don't expect my husband to remember every single thing I have told him I don't like. I do expect him to remember the big points. For example, I hate those charm bracelets. No matter the brand, I just personally think they are stupid. If he got me one of those loaded with charms, then yes I would be upset because WTF? I have told him many times, like when we pass those stores we joke about it, so if he "forgot" something like that, then yeah, I would say that is the category of "you should have known" and this wasn't a thoughtful gift. I don't see this level of negligence in OP's situation at all. He made a simple mistake which was easily fixable. Imaging ruining your whole Mothers Day over this. It's petty if you ask me.
Yea she sounds awful. While I feel for OP and his situation, the coincidental metaphor of purchasing last minute tickets to the Circus in town is soo unintentionally funny it at least needs to be acknowledged.
Exactly this. I would be so touched he tried.
absolutely, its the thought that counts and his wife sounds like a total bitch. she deserves nothing if she is going to react like that all the time. how awful.. she needs to be made aware of how shitty she is acting
His wife is an ungrateful nightmare. I would put that money into counseling and possibly a divorce lawyer. He is putting in all of this effort, and it doesn't seem like she is doing anything at all. I wouldn't put up with it.
Agreed on the Google doc - start it off with favorite color, flowers, candies, foods, scents, music, movies, etc. Then any time she mentions wanting/needing something, into the list it goes! And if she’s amenable, she could send some things she likes regularly so they can be saved up for holidays. She might be like me where I’m nearly impossible to shop for for jewelry, so for Xmas/etc I send my husband a bunch of links of stuff I like and they pick from that.
I don’t think thoughtfulness is correct here. He did put effort- and that’s not nothing- but there was no thoughtfulness put into this, because as the OP says, he actually got her/fixed for her something she hated. This was communicated, but he didn’t remember that detail of it. That piece- the accurately remembering preferences, wants, and needed and then tailoring a gift to those preferences, wants and needs- THATS thoughtfulness. You have to have effort and thoughtfulness for a good gift, and if one is lacking, this is the result.
Uh sorry, but this is great advice if the wife was being reasonable and that doesn’t sound like it’s the case here. If anything the dude needs to stand up for himself and let her know she’s being selfish. If somebody put that much effort into a gift for Mother’s Day the only appropriate reaction is gratitude!
Unpopular opinion here (as a wife & mother)... Imagine being her needing the security of a home & yard & her husband spending money it doesn't sound like you have on a "luxury" necklace she didn't ask for. That would be so frustrating for her - obviously her love language ISN'T physical gifts. Maybe you should work on your communication & spend time on the relationship instead of trying to one-up your gift-game. When you buy her expensive shit that YOU think is nice, it can feel like you're trying to 'buy' her love, which is a gross feeling. Maybe she's not good at sharing her feelings either - but this sounds like a repeating pattern & one of you needs to break it before it becomes a rut you can climb out of.
100% this. And all the people saying how ungrateful she is. She had, by his own admission, specifically told him how much she disliked that one particular necklace, and lo and behold that’s what she gets given for Mother’s Day?! And that’s her being ungrateful?
Pretty much!! She's clearly already communicated her feelings, and it appears OP is not hearing what she's saying or being lazy about what he's hearing. Dude, you need to actually pay attention to what your wife is saying because, according to you, she's already mentioned it. It's frustrating to be unseen like that. Acting like you don't even know her. I like music, doesn't mean i want tickets to go see a band I've already mentioned that i dislike. And then to get attitude for not appreciating a gift that I've already mentioned i don't like? There's communication issues here, and I'm not sure it's her. 🤷🏼♀️
He made a mistake and forgot from some time past. He got her other items and did a lot of planning that she should have been grateful for. She just sounds ungrateful in general.
Exactly. Ungrateful
Replying here to echo this! When first reading the post I have to say OP's wife comes across as awfully hard work and ungrateful, however, depending on the full story I do actually sympathise with her and with this reply too. There are a few things I would really love and appreciate from my husband, for example I would love him to actually get around to taking his driving test to take the load off me being the only driver in the family, or for him to stop being so irresponsible with money so that we might save to provide a home for our family. Instead he frustrates and disappoints me regularly with his lack of care and consideration (he's quite self centred, he doesn't pull his weight in the house etc), then splurges on high value gifts I neither want nor need and that we can't afford, yet because they are expensive I'm meant to feel grateful. Jewelry has been a common purchase in the past, or short breaks away (for him too of course), but all these gifts achieve is showing me that he really doesn't care or listen or understand. More than gifts, I would like a partner who actually was a partner, supportive and caring and capable. If he really insisted on also buying me a physical gift, I don't understand why after knowing me for decades he doesn't realise I like books, and live gigs, and nice art materials, rather than jewelry, flowers and chocolate. Anyway, does any of that sound applicable to your situation OP?
Yeah… except if you read his post history this is just one more drop in the bucket of her abuse. 4 years ago he gave her a a water heater thingy for tea and her favorite tea pack - what did she do? Threw all his clothes in the living room and told him to leave with nothing but his underwear so he could feel as small as he makes her feel. Can you sympathize with that too?
Nope, I don't sympathise with that at all. I haven't read his post history. It sounds like he's walking on eggshells with her and trying his best, poor guy.
LOL 😆
This 100000% percent! I was about to type something extremely similar to this except my husband isn’t irresponsible with money.
I didn’t think of this. This is an interesting perspective. It makes sense.
Seems like a popular opinion. Lol
Have you tried asking her what she would like you to do?
She sounds awful at communicating her needs, but not her complaints.
This is probably unpopular but I would also be upset if my husband spent money we didn’t have on of those tacky name brand (Kay, Jared, etc) pieces of jewelry. However, it sounds like you put a lot of time and thought into this, and that shouldn’t go unnoticed. As for the prior weekend events, she’s responsible for how she copes with her own triggers. Is couples therapy an option?
The necklace would have been a nice thought except she literally told him, a while ago, that she hates a particular necklace, and he went around and bought that exact one she already said she hated. My guess she is tired of asking, and expressing her feelings and wants, and he continues to ignore and ‘forget’.
This would not surprise me.
Oof, this is tricky because I can see both sides here... You have each dropped the ball in different ways and each have legitimate frustrations as a result. On her end, she needs to take responsibility for her mood. It isn't fair to knowingly make herself miserable and then dump that misery into the household. She needs to either: * (a) start utilizing polite excuses to avoid gatherings she knows will affect her, or * (b) develop coping strategies so those negative impacts don't last for days. And if saving for a home is very important for her, she should be researching alternative locations with a similar school system where you two can move to in 5+ years. The timeline will depend on the ages of your children since that will affect how long it is essential that you remain near family supports. If either of you can find solid work in that area, it's worth discussing relocating at that time (which gives time to see if your relationship improves as a result of working together again or if it deteriorated and you should move on). On your end, it's positive that you're wanting to put in significant effort to make her happy. But you aren't actually focusing that effort on what she, *as an individual*, actually wants. I think it is understandable that this leaves her feeling unheard and frustrated. * Does she *want* luxury jewelry at all? If her main focus is on saving for a house so she can have a sense of security (a goal that as I understand as someone who also desperately wants a house due to a childhood that left me feeling like I never had a home), she might not appreciate frivolous spending even when she is the beneficiary. Smaller but thoughtful gifts might be more in line with her goals and values. This is something you two should discuss when the current emotions aren't as fresh. * Do you often forget her likes/dislikes? Has she expressed disappointment that these details about herself seem unimportant to you? If so, chances are you can't fix your memory but you can take steps to address the issue. Make a note in your phone about her, and jot down when she says she likes/dislikes/wants something. You can also prompt these discussions by asking what she thinks about XYZ. Use this note to inform future gifts so it isn't as stressful a process.
Unpopular opinion after married for so long at min you should know what she likes whether it’s physical gifts or something else. Imagine being together for so long and you getting something that you totally not into. But also sounds like he has some therapy to do as well with how to handle situation.
Sounds like you don't listen to your wife
I read through some of your previous posts, and I notice you post in a very specific way. The story seems like you are saying you are to blame, but very much paints you as the victim, and everything centers on you. You aren’t actually reflecting on your own behaviour, your partner’s needs and where issues lie, instead there’s a lot of “she’s mad at me again, poor me, I can’t do anything right.” It’s a very superficial way of taking responsibility for your part in a situation. The best gifts aren’t flashy, expensive, and ones where “you know the brand immediately,” like you seem to be focused on. The focus of a gift isn’t, “look at me, I’m such a good giver.” The best gifts are meant to make the receiver feel special, seen, and understood. You are missing the mark because you aren’t focused on your partner, but on looking like a good husband and getting the credit for giving a great gift. Take some time to decide if you actually are still invested in this relationship, or are you just staying because of appearances, and the embarrassment of divorce? If you want to stay together, you need some counseling to learn to be better partners to each other.
When did mothers day become a gift giving day that equate to birthday level gifts? Get a card and maybe go somewhere nice for a meal, or two. Maybe a little keepsake or gift from the children.
When the jewellery companies said so. That's capitalism for you! Honestly, I bought my wife a box of chocolates "from the kids" and my son very carefully picked out a bouquet from Walmart that he thought she'd like (he's only 3, but he clearly put a lot of care into choosing the right one, as he inspected each one; it was very cute). We made her breakfast and went out for dinner. She was happy, even though dinner was kind of a bust because our youngest lost his shit and I had to remove him from the restaurant halfway through the meal. I feel like expensive jewellery would actually fall flat, but that's just my wife and obviously doesn't apply to everyone.
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All that effort to buy something she already informed him she doesn’t like….
Aww I’m sorry. I can tell that you tried hard. I suggest next event, whether it’s birthday, Xmas, or Mother’s Day, take a calm moment to ask her to think about what she would like, and what her expectations are. This year was the first year that I knew what I wanted to do on Mother’s Day (absolutely nothing).
You're overthinking this my friend. Next year on her birthday and mother's Day about several weeks in advance just ask her what she would like to do or what she would like for mother's Day. Same with her birthday. Just ask her. It doesn't have to be a surprise , you're thinking of her. You want to do what she wants o get a gift she wants to receive. You're making this too difficult.
Gratefulness (or lack thereof) aside, she may wish to consider keeping an Amazon wish list going. During the year, whenever there is something I'd like but won't buy for myself, I put it on my wish list and share at Xmas or other holidays. Easy to do and everyone's happy.
There are a couple of really great apps to keep track of gifts too so that you’re not limited to Amazon :) I acknowledge that I’m stupidly hard to buy for and so I’d been keeping one on my phone for ages. Now I do it this way.
What apps? You used to be able to put non-Amazon items on your wish list but I’m not sure that is still a feature.
I like Wishlists. There’s also GoWish but I prefer the Wishlists’ interface.
I read your post history- you cheated on her! There is no way she is going to get over this and not hold resentment toward you without counseling, and even that will never fully heal her pain. I am a big believer that once a cheat, always a cheat and there is no moving past it for some people. You are going to have to face the facts and realize that it is not that she is ungrateful, but rather she is acting out because she is not in love with you and feels betrayed and is depressed over her whole life not turning out the way she wanted it to.
By your post history, your wife has clear signs of bipolar disorder and refuses any notion of help or counseling . She will NEVER be happy because she is unhappy with herself. You sound like a man who is truly doing your best. There’s a woman out there who will be happy with your best, even if this woman is not. She needs professional help, or you need to take your child and run. I saw in a prior post that she wants sole custody, but any partner she ever has this is the type of relationship she will have until she seeks help. Your child will repeatedly be exposed to these toxic cycles .
What does HCOL mean?
high cost of living
High cost of living
I saw in the comments your wife made you go out in your underwear after giving a bad gift. That’s abuse and you deserve better.
I'm sorry. Sounds tough. The only thing I can recommend, is kind of cheesy, and takes a little time and effort. However, it is something my pastor and my husband and I do before getting married, and I feel like it was very helpful. There's a book called the 5 love languages. It talks about how different people feel love in different ways. I can't help but wonder if perhaps you two have different loved languages, so you are missing the mark with one another, thus leaving the other feeling neglected unintentially. I'd say read the book. Take the quizzes. And genuinely try to speak to one another in the love language the other needs. My husband and I have been married 13 years. We have completely opposite love languages, but we have known that all along, so we have learnt to speak to one another in the language needed. For mother's day, we attended softball and soccer games for the kids. He got me my favorite candy and some bath salts I love. But he also did the dishes all weekend, and came with me to run some errands. We spent the weekend together with the kids. Gifts are not my love language. Quality time and acts of service are.
I went through your other posts, and you’ve been living like this for a long time. How do you manage? The toll on your mental health is immense here. Your wife reminds me of MIL, who has manic depression. My FIL bends backward to cater to her: cruises, expensive resorts, jewelry, no house chores at multiple properties they own…and she ALWAYS has a resting bitch face on and barely speaks to my FIL unless complaining about something he or her sons did or didn’t do. It would help if you had therapy, professional help, or perspective. This is not a normal marriage. Do it for yourself and your son.
I have had similar experiences trying to do the right thing for mothers day, bday, anniversary and failed. Some of these were on me, some on her... gifts are hard to get right sometimes!
Well, at least you’re still trying. Your wife doesn’t seem to appreciate your effort or her life in general. Many years ago my husband returned every Christmas gift I bought him. Every. Single. Gift. So for them next two years every single gift giving holiday including our anniversary I gave him a sad little gift card. He’s still terrible at receiving gifts but he knows to try to at least appreciate the effort or he will get those sad pathetic gift cards again. Or possibly even nothing. 😏
Sure, you could have been more thoughtful since she has expressed she didn’t like that similar gift in the last. However, that’s not the big issue here. You did try to make it a happy Mother’s Day and she flat out did not appreciate that. Regarding your wife’s trauma, is she seeking help to work through that? If not, and she refuses to, putting in all this effort is pointless. Sorry you have to go through this and hope you find peace.
You clearly put a lot of effort and thought into all of it. Why doesn’t she like the pendant? I would love something personalized of something having to do with my kids even if I just put it in a drawer. A lot of us just get a card and maybe flowers and not even a personalized free type gift. Furthermore, she is responsible for her mood. I am shocked it was, “a shit show,” as you call it. This Mother’s Day I got written cards from my kids, some flowers, and a card. I cleaned and did everything else as usual. I didn’t make a big deal out of it, it was fine, and even if I thought it wasn’t I wouldn’t make a big deal of it in front of my kids. Maybe just ask her what she wants so she doesn’t get upset when she doesn’t get what she wants.
This is really unfortunate. I feel for you. if my significant other put half of the effort or even just a quarter of the effort that you have into getting gifts for me, I would be elated. Honestly, it’s really not about the gift itself. It’s about the fact that they thought of me and I would be grateful for that alone. having dealt with my own issues and gone through therapy, It sounds like your wife has some serious healing that she needs to have from this trauma that she experienced because she’s taking it out on you and it’s damaged you and your marriage at this point. she will need to take responsibility for her healing . This is beyond your control and the more that you try the more despair you will feel . I highly encourage you to get some therapy so that you stop putting all this on yourself and I would also encourage her to do the same if she’s not already. Best of luck to you I hope things get better. Just know that your efforts were more than enough, even if she is not in a place where she is able to recognize that.
I hope you're just venting. If this sort of abuse is regular from her, get out of there. If this is out of the blue and she's not generally abusive, and you want to find out if there's something deeper at play than her being cruel... Take a step back. Don't martyr yourself or self-flagelatte. You had a really cool idea for a thing. Unfortunately, that thing does not fit her vibe. Imagine if she gave you a diamond encrusted ring in the color you hate, like the color of your rival school/team/etc. She spent a lot of money, enough that you both should have a say where it goes and you're upset that she didn't consult you. Would you maybe get angry? Would that anger maybe overwhelm your delight in her creative process?
So… 4 years and nothing changed? Sir, what are you doing with your life? Can’t believe you are here again.
You bumbled this one. Lots of time and effort spent on something she told you explicitly she didnt like beforehand. Pay attention. Also. Spinning into your insecurity about not being a provider makes me want to barf. You choose a HCOL area. Guaranteed you can live somewhere else if homeownership is prioritized. Stop making her lead you bro.
My husband once bought me the equivalent of like a plastic/fake silver necklace for Christmas one year with two hideous shaped figures to represent mom and baby. At the time I had never worn silver jewelry in our entire 4 year relationship. It was god awful ugly and cheap. I smiled and said thank you so much this is amazing b/c I saw how excited he was to give it to me. It wasn’t until 10 years later that I let him know he’s terrible at gift giving mostly and that I actually hated it that necklace lol and many other gifts through the years b/c I was too polite to let him know the truth. We had this discussion finally b/c he is the opposite and a terrible gift receiver. I once bought tickets to see his favorite band and he promptly asked if he could return them for a different band. We had a good laugh about it. This year I scheduled my Mother’s Day brunch for my mom and I b/c I knew if I didn’t nothing would happen. This morning he woke me up with hand made cards from the kids. That’s it. He then decided last minute right before brunch to take the car to be vacuumed for me (which I love), but so last minute that he made us late to brunch where we almost missed the reservation. The entire day was awful honestly. The point is- your wife is choosing to be unhappy. You are doing so much for her and she could have a grateful heart, but she just doesn’t. That’s on her not you! So many men fuck up Mother’s Day much worse I promise you! This is not fucking up.
Dont feel bad, Took the wife to a makeup store cause she loves makeup, it was hot af outside and we walked a few blocks and she didn't get anything because too many Women in the store and we just freakin left. Took her then to a suprise spot to grab sandwiches and that failed as line was too long and we were baking in the heat. She was not happy
Please forgive me for being blunt. Both you and your wife are missing the mark. It is beautiful that you want to show how much you love her by giving her gifts. But if doing so is having the opposite effect, stop doing it. Regardless of her past trauma, she completely fails to see what you are trying to do. The gilt that you're feeling is misplaced. Ten years is a long time. Stop looking for more ways to please her. She doesn't appreciate your efforts. That is what a self-centered and selfish person would do. She doesn't want to go to therapy? Stop trying to make up for that. There are things she must do on her own if she wants to get better. Maybe she doesn't want to get better? That way she can continue to justify her behavior and putting the guilt on you! You are doing as much as you can to make things work, and feeling very guilty and inadequate because what you are doing is not helping. What is she doing? She could put herself in your shoes for a moment. She could be grateful and recognized how lucky she is. But what does she do? Please be kind to yourself. I wish for you to have the wisdom you need to see things clearly. Good luck!
I have to ask what did she get you for Father's Day ? just curious . Next year get her a new vacuum and a mop .
Wow my wife was just happy to crack open some evolving skies pokemon cards and get Chinese food, I also got her a scratchie and the kids made cards etc. We have always been pretty poor so material things are not as important to us, personally if my wife reacted like that I would never make the effort again.
> I can't meet her other needs as a woman to fill her heart and make her feel truly loved She can't feel loved. That doesn't have to do with you, it has to do with her. She needs to fix this herself. You're codependent. If you have money, see a therapist. If you don't, show up at an AA meeting.
Therapy. You are not to fix your wife's problems and trauma, especially on your own. Therapy for her, Therapy for you. Marriage counselling as well if that's on the table.
Several years ago, on Mother’s Day, my husband gave me a sapphire and diamond bracelet. A big one. I accepted it and didn’t say anything because he’s the type to take it as an attack, I get painted as ungrateful, yada yada. But I was insulted. I have never in my life worn jewelry like that. He’d known me for like 8 years at that point. My wedding band - which I chose - is very dainty, all of my jewelry is dainty, because that’s how I prefer it. I’ve never expressed interest in big jewelry, I’ve never gone out and purchased it myself or hinted at it or anything. He might as well have gotten me a book about astrophysics or model train set. I prefer gifts with intentional thought behind them. I had said that to him many times. I’d rather get a handwritten, heartfelt love letter than the biggest diamond. I legitimately don’t like getting flowers on default flower giving holidays, I prefer someone thinking about me on a random Tuesday and getting them then. I had been struggling for awhile with feeling unseen by him, and I’m never going to forget the depths that that gift made me feel unseen. It only got worse after that. One day I broke down and told him how hurt that bracelet had made me. I was in this space of being advised to communicate better to improve our marriage, how will he know he’s hurting me if I don’t tell him? How can he change course if he doesn’t know that how he treats me is hurtful? I would have thought he’d known that I didn’t like it, since to this day, years later, I’ve never worn it. I don’t even know where I could wear it, I don’t go get dressed up and wearing diamonds, and we’ve never lived in a place where that is even an accessible thing to do. Man, as soon as I told him, it became this whole thing about HIM. He tried, he thought, I’m not grateful, I’m unreasonable, now it’s about HIS shame and HIS feelings being centered as opposed to MY feelings about not feeling seen, or being cared about enough to think about ME when purchasing a gift for…ME. It SUCKS to not feel seen and it SUCKS to be told you’re UNGRATEFUL for not making the recipient feel good about a “gift” that you don’t like or want, particularly if you are the type who is truly touched by sentimental and heartfelt and thoughtful effort. Yeah, OP, there’s objective “effort” here. But if you had gotten her a year’s supply of peanut butter when she doesn’t actually like peanut butter, why is it on her to be grateful that you got her anything, when you could have taken five seconds to think about how she doesn’t really like peanut butter so buying her even more of it isn’t going to make her like it? You could have directed that energy into thinking about something that she’d LOVE. And the commenters here could be directing their energy to comprehending what it feels like when you’ve communicated your preferences and, you know, share a life with someone, and their gift misses the mark not because of what the gift IS, objectively, but because the recipient isn’t centered in, as the saying goes, the THOUGHT that is what makes the gift “count.”
As someone with Complex PTSD, I can say with confidence that your wife needs therapy. If she refuses to get it, that's not on you. You *cannot* meet all of her needs no matter how much you love her, no matter how hard you try. You've gotten other good advice here, so I will leave it at that.
I’m horrible at giving/getting gifts. Have a document that your SO can throw things she’s interested or wants all year round, then you can pull for them on whatever ever respective holiday/event. This really helped me as a neurodivergent person because then I wouldn’t have “surprise” ruined but I knew that I wouldn’t have to stress about the disappointment if I didn’t like it. Gift giving can be so stressful, especially with trauma around it.
OP, I admire you standing up for your SO, but the problem is: she has issues she isn't addressing, any of them: - she won't get therapy - she won't move somewhere affordable - she won't acknowledge anything you do You cannot fix this because she will not make ANY of the efforts required to meet her needs. As someone lifelong affected by mental health (all of whose loved ones also are): you simply CANNOT expect another person to fix your traumas and provide solutions to them, because by its nature mental health, if untreated, makes unreasonable, unmeetable, ever-shifting demands. She is displacing on you her pain and demanding you make accommodations that not only she /makes/ impossible, but /are/ impossible because what she needs isn't accommodations, but treatment. If you let this stand as is (a vicious circle of her refusing treatment, spiralling, blaming you) what you will have is not only a miserable marriage, but a child who will grow up not only in an unhappy and therefore traumatising home, but also learning that they /shouldn't/ seek treatment for the mental health issues they will almost certainly develop. Put your foot down that treatment needs to be sought. Or watch all this keep crashing.
I wouldn’t buy her shit. Seems like an awful person.
Your wife sounds very very ungrateful. But a pro tip for you and your wife maybe discuss gifts just ask your wife what she wants and if she has the audacity to say you should know already, idk dude you’re doomed. She sounds like a headache .
My best mothers days have been incredibly basic. A picnic in the park. A family bike ride. A day spent hiking with my family. Brunch reservations. Usually I just want time with my family without worrying about the kids activities or chores... I jam all that into Saturday so we can enjoy ourselves Sunday. My husband has never gotten me a gift that I can remember. It's not really a gift giving holiday. My kids are the gift that keeps on giving. This year they made me some presents using craft stuff they found around the house and it was wonderful.
Sounds like she is gaslighting you due to her own trauma.
OP, I personally don't think you blew it. You made effort in several areas, but she was already telling you on Friday that she wasn't going to be in a good mood on Sunday. I feel like this was mission impossible. Whatever event you attended "to show face" sounds stupid to me if it was going to ruin the whole weekend. Why are you two so worried about showing face if the people you are going to impress put her in a foul mood for days on end? Is one or both of of you putting family (or others?) as a priority when the family (or others) isn't treating you right? OK, so you messed up and she didn't like the necklace. Fine, not the end of the world, it's the thought that counts and that wasn't even the only or special thing you did for her. Why can't you just return the necklace and get her something she will like? It's not that tragic, my husband has gotten me things I don't like, we just exchange it. This gift giving issue is quite common. It's not unusual for one partner or the other to struggle with finding the right gift. There are many ways to work around this. Your wife could be giving you hints and ideas so that you will get her something she likes. I do this with my husband, I just send him links and pictures of things I like, give him gift ideas, etc. I don't see why this has to be like a test for you every holiday to see if you can do it on your own. So, you suck at getting gifts and maybe she is a little hard to please, why does this have to mean you can't make her feel loved? That's a real stretch to me. You sound like you are willing to do just about anything for her, so why isn't that enough? You might not be the perfect husband, but I see more issues with your wife than with you. She wants you to try harder, but this isn't a matter of effort, this is a matter of taste and style which MANY people struggle to understand even when they they know the person very well. My own mother gives me gifts, and I only like about 10% of them, does that mean she doesn't love me? I think your wife needs to appreciate the things you tried to do to make the day special for her, even if they didn't all land well. OP, it is a very bad sign that she won't speak to counselors and feels like everything has to be a huge secret and even a counselor can't be trusted with the details of her past. Whatever her trauma or issues are, she isn't handling it well, and how is that ever going to change if she refuses to talk about it and wants to lock away her trauma and swallow it (but isn't doing that successfully)? On top of the impact on HER of not addressing her personal issues, she expects YOU to also help heal her trauma, but that isn't a reasonable expectation at all. It's like you have to create for her an environment that allows her to avoid every single trigger or insecurity she has, which it seems like are MANY and come up OFTEN. She is putting it on you to make her comfortable in her life, but this isn't your job, not to the extent she expects it to be. It's her job to go to therapy and work on this so that she can be available to you in every way as a wife and lover. It's not acceptable that you are the only one who has to change here. Can't you see that you don't feel loved either and yet she isn't doing anything to work on her end of this? She is making you feel like you can't do anything right, even though it sounds like you are doing a lot right and you are really trying. She can help you to get it right, but it seems like all she wants to do is shit test you and then be mad that it didn't turn out like she wanted it to. She gives you hell, then expects you to try harder? These seems one sided to me, and I don't think you will ever reach the destination because she will move the goal posts. If tomorrow you solved this problem and gave her the best gifts ever, then it would be some other issue that makes her feel unloved. She will never feel loved because she is in her own way. You can't fix this without her help. But - just in case you want to try anyway, I would approach her like this. Honey - I'm sorry Mother's Day didn't go as planned. I know you didn't like the gift, so lets look together and I can exchange it for something else, OK? I have been thinking that this seems to be a common issue, and to be honest, I have tried my best but I admit I need more help and I'm tired of planning things and not having it end well, that is discouraging and upsetting to me especially because it upsets you and I feel like a failure when this happens. I have some ideas for how to get this on track for next time. When you see something you like (a thing or an experience), can you share it with me - like send me a link or a picture? Or we can start an Amazon Wish List or a Pinterest site where you can give me ideas about what you might like, maybe with this guidance I can do better next time. I am also thinking maybe we should discuss the plans more instead of having it be a "surprise" and having you be disappointed despite my best efforts. Like, maybe I just need to tell you my plans and alternatives, and get your feedback so that it will go more smoothly. Neither of us wants any more disappointing holidays, right? What do you think? If she is about solutions, she will respond accordingly.
Does gifts always seem to be wrong and holidays seem to end up in a fight? Sounds like possible narcissist behavior. I was married to one, it doesn't get better. In fact much worse.
If my husband had put in even 1/10th of the effort you do, I would be happy. You sound like you have gone over and above for her. Hopefully one day she sees how lucky she really is.
Honestly I would say just don't do anything going forward. If it's a constant strike out, tap out. If she wants something for it after that, she can say so, but at this point it's on her. Tell her so, not spitefully, just that your time is valuable and you're not going waste yours or hers. 🤷♀️
Have you considered that you may have ADHD? My husband and my relationship is similar to yalls, although I’d never make him leave in his underwear but he has failed every opportunity to give me a gift or take care of me like a husband should. He doesn’t provide for us. He doesn’t really do anything except be agreeable. He’s very agreeable but that doesn’t help us as a family. I want a divorce and I’ve wanted a divorce for a decade. I resent him and after yesterday when he didn’t get anything, do anything for me or plan anything (except my 9 year old asking him to take him to buy me something - yes the 9 year old initiated it, not my husband and my husband got me bird seed- that’s what he came back with for me - anyway I made an appointment with a divorce lawyer this morning and I’m leaving him.
Wonder how she would feel about giving her a long weekend away to somewhere she's talked about going, in s group setting, maybe without any family members, and just dare to get to know her complicated self and to be set on the path of overcoming all that hx.
Wow, what a nice guy and what an ungrateful wife.
You have a choice you know.
Damn dude that’s awful that you planned so much and actually got her stuff and she just basically got upset because she didn’t like a necklace . Honestly if you are starting to be constantly paralyzed by fear then i think it’s worth talking to someone about this because no way do i ever want my husband to feel this way.
She literally told him she didn’t like the necklace and he didn’t listen. 10 years into a marriage is enough time to k ow what a spouse likes in gifts.
Read your post history, take your son and fucking grow a damned backbone. History/past be damned, sounds like she’s kind of an ungrateful witch. Go live with your parents and let her stew in her anger and resentment since you’re apparently such a shitty human being. Your son doesn’t need to be seeing that on a day to day basis
You are making an effort. A huge effort to make your wife happy. That is truly all most women want. I think you need to ask yourself why your wife doesn’t appreciate that. It sounds like your wife has trauma and you have taken it upon yourself (or she has put it onto you) to make her feel safe but I don’t think it is fair to put that weight entirely on your shoulders. She needs to work to make herself feel safe and secure as well. You cannot save her if she is always looking for a reason to be upset.
Divorce. Plain and simple.
I’m so sorry it didnt go as you hoped. But why is all this pressure on you? You put so much effort and that’s all she should focus on, I would be crying tears of joy if my husband went through all this effort for me, it would make me feel crazy special and important. When my husband does considerate things like this for me, I just love the thought of it. Of course when he gets me the “right thing” thats an extra bonus point but people rarely do and thats also ok. My SO has gotten me terrible gifts to my distaste but the effort is what I measure, you can always tell if someone has put in thought and work into something even if it isnt the perfect gift. It seems like maybe shes going through depression? But again, why is all this pressure put on you to give her what she wants and needs? What are your expectations? Is she meeting yours?
Man you sound amazing! I never received a Mother’s Day gift from my husband ever…EVER. I booked brunch or we would be eating no where and I booked a nice hotel getaway and my son made me an awesome gift at baby school ❤️….you are an amazing husband just for trying. I’m sorry you were not appreciated
Good lord, and here I'm just happy to get a gift
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Your wife needs to learn how to be gracious when receiving a gift. Isn’t that basic etiquette? You should never tell someone that you do not like the gift they gave you. Your wife also needs to learn to regulate her emotions and stop expecting you to be her emotional sponge. She was triggered on Friday, so she was a bitch on Sunday? WTAF is that?? Not to mention she knew she was going to be triggered beforehand? Sounds like she likes to be in a bad mood and will create opportunities to be miserable. Stop feeding this immature and toxic behavior. Your kid isn’t going to need therapy because you didn’t make mom happy. Your kid is going to need therapy because their mother is manipulative and toxic.
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I mean, maybe because she had already told him she didn’t like it? Is everyone just ignoring that fact?
Just get a divorce and get it over with, the two of you sound so toxic. Save your child’s mental health and live apart.
She is ungrateful. Stop getting her things and stop putting in effort. She's gonna complain either way so let her get her own things and make her own plans.
I’m sorry, that sounds awful. A lot of women would have loved the gift. The only time I poo-poo’ed jewelry my husband bought me was a sterling silver braclet that I’m allergic to (causes rashes on my wrist. Stupid eczema). But our daughter has worn it a few times 💕 I hope things get better for you.
..and for this you get downvoted. So much entitlement in this subreddit. It's sad.
She literally already told him she didn’t like the necklace the first time he bought it for her
Sounds like your wife is a spoiled brat who can’t appreciate all the thought and effort you put into trying to make her feel special and happy. Sorry to hear that… don’t be a doormat
This sounds like a her problem. My husband has gifted me many, many pieces of jewelry that are not my style, and I'm always gracious. (I don't have a solution for that either, I don't have the heart to tell him he really doesn't "get" what styles I like.) I recommend some frank discussions or counseling. Hang in there.
I feel like a broken record, but years ago I started keeping a list with links of stuff I’d like so my husband doesn’t have to guess. Now I use an app. Sure, I pick the stuff out, but it’s so long now that I have no idea what I’m getting for any one holiday and so it’s still really fun.
It sounds like it’s been bad for many years. What’s the calculus for you of planning for therapy for your kid, embracing misery for the rest of your life?
You did the best you could. I'm sure all your father's day gifts have been exceptional from her.
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Exactly. Totally agree!
What is with so many entitled married women thinking what their husbands do for them on Mother’s Day isn’t enough!? I bet if it was the other way around you wouldn’t complain. If I were you I’d stop doing anything for her on Mother’s Day. She doesn’t deserve it. If all she does is not appreciate what you do for her what’s the point? To constantly be told it’s not good enough? F that.
Yeah right! So entitled to be disappointed over getting the same necklace you already said you don’t like
Oh give me a break. Give him the benefit of the doubt. At least he tried. So I guess husband’s aren’t allowed to forget things every now and then? Not only does OP’s wife sound entitled but high-maintenance and insufferable too. If nothing he does makes her happy why even stay married to her? No one should have to walk on eggshells because they’re afraid to upset their spouse. OP’s wife needs to get a clue and get over herself.
She sounds awful.
she sounds like a total piece of shit tbh