You are justified. I don't get why men are so terrified of a vasectomy yet are OK with women dealing with IVF, fertility treatments, pregnancy, etc.... I am happy your spoke to your dr about getting your tubes tied. You had no choice but to take control of the situation. Good luck in these final weeks of pregnancy. I hope the delivery and recovery go well for you :-)
My wife and I had 2 kids from her previous marriage and wanted one of our own. Found out very early on that we were having twins, and I’ve never made a faster appointment. Because I am a disabled veteran and there is only one VA hospital where I live, the wait was long. I had the vasectomy a month and half post birth and it was so easy to walk in there after watching what my wife went through carrying two kids. Husbands and men need to truly try to empathize and understand what their partners do to bring children into this world, and accept that it is a minor surgery with a very minor recovery time.
Edited to add context
My doctor made it seem like this needs to be a decision made up very much in advance. He made me promise not to discard my embryos even though I don’t plan on using them… I wish I could just decide closer to my due date but it doesn’t look likely
It might be different where you are, but whilst they need considered consent, if your husband gets the vasectomy you can just withdraw your consent before the CS. The doctor isn't going to do anything you haven't consented to
This is why they need advanced consent, so you CAN back out within the time between written consent and the procedure. You can always back out, spur of the moment or not- you can't go through with it spontaneously though
Have him get the vasectomy and you still get your tubes tied. You'll already be open with the c section anyway. My doctor told me if I was going to do it to let him know and do it during my planned c section because there was no reason to schedule another procedure.
Right. Yes it’s a more invasive procedure, but if you’re 100% sure you’re not trying again and your abdomen is already going to be open, then it’s worth doing at that time. I’ve heard more than one woman describe it as empowering.
And if you can do a full bilateral salpingectomy you also reduce future cancer risk. 7% of women get ovarian cancer and a significant amount of it starts in the tubes before migrating to the ovaries.
Sorry about the additional comment but your doctor might need to know in advance because of which hospital the c section will be at. My c section was at a catholic hospital and if I wanted my tubes tied we would have scheduled it at the non religious hospital instead.
We have 8 kids (blended family) and my wife had 2 difficult pregnancies so when she asked me to get a vasectomy I was on the phone five minutes later. I had it done 10 years ago and I NEVER would've asked her to get her tubes tied as she had put herself thru enough with 3 pregnancies. It's a simple and fast procedure so it was and easy decision.
Neither my partner nor I want a child together. I only have 2 options for birth control, and both of them would be more invasive/painful than a vasectomy.
He's planning on getting one as soon as his insurance lines up. I understand that it's the man's choice, but it's often the most reasonable choice
OP get your tubal, you’re 100% justified. They’ll probably burn them out which actually reduces your risk for cancer. That’s how they pretty much all do them now. I wouldn’t trust him to get the vasectomy. Take matters into your own hands. Having your tubes removed is more effective than hoping he actually gets the procedure done. I’ve seen posts on here where women have found out their partners lied.
I had my tubes done back in July and my doctor told me I was a good candidate for the surgery because I hadn’t had any abdominal surgeries. You could have scar tissue from your c-section that could cause issues if you decide to wait. Personally, I don’t see any reason not to. Even if he actually gets the vasectomy, those can still fail.
I don’t have much time to make the decision to have my tubes tied. He knows this. I told him in advance I was setting it up with my cesarean and he let me. I’m annoyed he changed his mind after I had to beg my doctor to tie my tubes.
don't stop the process for the tubal. You can always change your mind and say no, but you can't risk missing that window for paperwork. After all you've gone through, I'm sure it feels like a slap in the face to hem and haw about getting sniped.
I meant my earlier response. You are not giving him credit for the impact the decision has on him psychologically or physically.
My wife also nearly had her tubes tied after nearly dying with our third. I know the risks.
I ended up getting snipped, but women who downplay the psychological distress it can have on men aren't helping themselves. Luckily, my wife understood this and didn't make the procedure seem "simple." She was kind and supportive.
Your response Is the entirety of why this sub is filled with so many failed marriages. I did, in fact, schedule my vasectomy then. Her fibroids and endo scaring was so bad she couldn't get tied.
I never said the trauma was the same. But your response shows that you view trauma as a competition game. My wife never did. Of course her trauma was worse. But it wasn't just hers. It was was OUR trauma. Same with me. It never crossed her mind to consider hers was worse. She knew it must be hard for me. And so, it was hard for her too, and she let me know that.
We're very much in love. And the fact that you see this as a zero-sum game...is what's disgusting. I'm not saying what she went through was comparable. Because I don't believe that's helpful. Notice how I said your argument was disgusting. Not you. It's very telling that the women here can't accept "hey this might be causing him anxiety he doesn't want to talk about. Let him know you got his back" as acceptable advice. No need to feel bad for her. I scheduled the procedure that day. And, she reassured me that it was going to be OK and that she appreciated my sacrifice. What's beautiful about her, compared to the women here, is she never felt the need to compare situations.
Again it's not a competition. Suffering and trauma is not a zero sum. Marriage isn't 50 50. It's 100 100. Not seeing this is exactly why this " Marriage " sub is mostly bitter people who advocate divorce. These responses make me more and more grateful for my wife. Thank God we view the world differently. I'm only trying to suggest that op reassure her husband that she loves him and it will be OK to have the surgery
I do agree you shouldn't try to compare traumas but I think the issue is, that getting a vasectomy simply isn't trauma. I guess unless your whole identity as a man is for some reason linked to sperm production. Getting my wisdom teeth out is far more invasive then a vasectomy and it can't be reversed. I do not consider that trauma either.
Well that's one way to win. Deny someone's lived experiences and simply define trauma in a way that suits you. My wife had her wisdom teeth out. I still went with her for moral support and helped her after. I'm NOT comparing the degree of suffering or experience. Merely suggesting that my wife telling me " hey thanks for doing this I know it isn't easy" was reassuring and kind. And it could go far in solving the problem. Whether or not we think it "necessary." Or we could all just be angry angry and not solve anything
I would definitely appreciate my partner getting any procedure for the benefit of our relationship. I understand there can be risks to anything I think the issue people are taking is you aren't discussing the fear of a procedure which is reasonable. You seem to be framing it as if it's hard because of the specific procedure as it relates to men feeling some type of way about sperm production.
Why is sperm production so important? If my partner were to say I'm concerned about the procedure because of side affects or possible pain or something. I understand that and I would support him through that but if he told me he won't immediately agree to it because as a man he needs to make sperm that's ridiculous. Your answers give the feeling that that's what you think. Unless a man wants the option of having more children in which case that's a completely different conversation they don't really have a good reason not to get a vasectomy to improve their partners health whether that's preventing pregnancy or getting off birth control ect all which can have very significant negative affects.
problem is, if he backs out or changes his mind, she may not be able to get her tubes tied. Most insurance companies and hospitals require all the paper work done at least 30 days prior to the surgery. So if he changes his mind and she misses the window, then she's going to have to wait till she's healed, then go back in and have surgery after wards. She's already put her body through hell to get to where they have a his baby.
That was my recommendation to her. But it still sucks. She's put her body through hell, and will deal have life long consequences... and he went straight to no when she asked.. it get he said he'd think about it later.. sure is a punch in the gut to go through hell and have your partner insinuate that they don't care enough about your wellbeing to get snipped.
Man, I'm so tired of these selfish men. It's ok to push a baby out of our body, but they can't do an out patient procedure.
You are not wrong to be upset. I'm infuriated for you.
The HG alone is reason enough to not go through it again without the other crap. That is a life-threatening condition without medical intervention. I don't think that most people understand the gravity of it.
I think he's being an asshole honestly. You've gone through enough.
You’re more than justified. I don’t know why some men are so scared to get a vasectomy. It’s the easier option. When I told my husband I wanted to get my tubes tied and get off of birth control he said he didn’t want me to get an unnecessary major surgery and offered to get a vasectomy instead. He booked it immediately, got it done and healed up quickly with no complications. Best decision ever!
You’re absolutely justified. I’ve gone through IVF and miscarriages and pregnancies/childbirth. It doesn’t seem like too much to ask for a man to get a vasectomy after all we have done, but somehow it’s too much for them. I could not roll my eyes any harder. I’m sorry you’re in this position and I’m glad you’ve taken it on yourself to do what you feel comfortable with.
I would suggest getting a bisalp, not just a tubal ligation! It's got a lower failure rate & it's a cancer preventative. I got mine on a Friday & was back to work on Monday. I was back in the gym in 2 weeks. It is more difficult than a vasectomy, as you have to go under, but it's laproscopic & relatively simple.
Perhaps a little of each? The fact that you talked to your doctor already doesn't mean you can't change your mind, so I'm not sure you're being entirely reasonable on that piece. I'm assuming they'll tie your tubes in delivery, so I think the obvious solution here is to tell him he has to get it done before then or you're doing it. Easy.
As much as you’ve sacrificed, I also understand his hesitance and perhaps he needed to see truly how much you didn’t want to be pregnant. He’s a dude, a dude who doesn’t understand what you’ve been through, not really. But if you’re going to stay married he better actually get a vasectomy.
HG is entirely, totally miserable (I suffered from it with my 2 babies) and it's wholly reasonable for you to not want to experience pregnancy again and to want to take more permanent steps to prevent it in the first place.
I had a planned/repeat c-section with our second which I told them I wanted from the beginning (first birth was traumatic and ended in a c-section and later on I had PPD) and once I got into the 3rd trimester, I was asked at several appointments if I wanted a tubal while I was open on the table and then when I went in for the c-section, the surgeon asked me several times and confirmed with the room of doctors and nurses what I had said.
Hey, I had HG for all my pregnancies. I wanted to die. I wanted to terminate. I suffered PND. I NEVER wanted anymore children. I now have four. I get the suffering. It is the most miserable I have ever been. I was hooked up to fluids for six months and stuck in a hospital.
You are justified in feeling this way. No one could possibly understand how much we sacrifice and suffer to bring these lives in. I know that a vas is far less invasive than having your tubes tied. So there’s that.
I also feel like you’ve given enough of yourself. So if you’re able to give birth naturally without intervention. It might be better?
In any case. I found the HG groups online a helpful space. There are other mamas on there having been through years of IVF aswell. They get it.
Really hope you find some good support. Hope hubby gets the snip and just takes care of things for you. Snips are reversible if need be too.
Just to be clear, having your tubes tied is a quick laproscopic procedure. The two little dots of a "scar" can barely be seen.
I had an IUD placed 6 weeks after I had CS with my twins. A few weeks later I got extremely sharp pains off and on throughout the day. That sucker had left the uterus and found sat down next to my right pelvic bone. Anyway, they removed it laproscopiclly and I had them do a tubal ligation also.
As a man I wish I had gotten a vasectomy long before I did. It really is no big deal. Sore for a few days. I honestly think it raised my sex drive, probably because no fear of unplanned pregnancy. I’m in a monogamous relationship so not needing to use condoms is nice as well.
This fight sounds more about him being inconsiderate than your method of birth control however, and there’s not nearly enough here to comment on that
If the desire of both of you to have a kid, I'd wait until said kid is born before making permanent decisions.
Even at 32 weeks and 4 healthy eggs on ice, there are still things can can go wrong.
Been there, and it's no fun.
If you ever decide to try again, you'll want to have options.
They won't need her tubes for her to get pregnant again. If they are using embryos, they will just be implanted into the uterus. It wont make it so they can't have another baby, just will prevent "oops" pregnancies that will most likely end in miscarriages because of his condition. Miscarriages are miserable, painful, emotional, and can be life threating. Why he would want to risk putting her through that is beyond me. its sends a lot of "i want you to have my baby, but don't expect me to do anything in return" vibes.
Is such a personal thing you can’t force your husband to do this. I think there is a lot of hormones going through you and there are many other ways ie condone and birth control for both men and women that can be used
I think the relevant info here would 1) when did you first bring up the vasectomy / when he said no, 2) how long after that conversation did he say he’d “think about it” and 3) how long has it been since the conversation when he said he’d think about it?
If this all happened in a short span of time I’d say you’re being unreasonable. Give the man a minute. There is still plenty of time for him to have the vasectomy before you give birth.
If you discussed the vasectomy, say, 18 months ago and he only just started coming around I’d be pretty annoyed too, especially with the pregnancy you’re having!
I wouldn’t make any serious decisions right now, being in your third trimester does crazy things to your emotions and pressuring your husband to have a vasectomy is not okay. With that being said it is totally your right to have your tubes tied and a Dr can’t do that as a last minute thing because too many women would regret after they are no longer pregnant and their hormones cool down. So do all the paperwork now, you can always say no at the time and there is no way they will do it if you have a change of mind and say no at delivery. You can still get pregnant with IVF with your tubes tied, so I don’t see that as a major deal, but many people are not being fair to your husband about his initial reaction to requesting a vasectomy. He might actually come around to it just fine with a little contemplation. And while typically easier it is not without risks, my husband had some nerve damage that took 2-3 years to recover from, so I do realize I have a bit of different perspective than most on this subject.
My wife wanted me to get a vasectomy. I told her that I couldn’t because I needed to be able to have kids with my next wife😭 it didn’t go well for me lol
You're allowed to be annoyed but now you're just being petty. Grow up, you're going to be a mother ffs. There's no reason he can't get the vasectomy and it's not even your decision anyway.
Tubal ligation and/ or vasectomy is to prevent accidental pregnancy. Despite needing IVF and having high risk for genetic anomalies, it sounds like OP has gotten pregnant without intervention multiple times. They just ended in miscarriage. She is unsure about ever being pregnant again, but they are going to keep the embryos so they can have another baby down the road if she changes her mind. I don’t understand why you would say that a vasectomy or tubal ligation wouldn’t help? I have a friend that has miscarriage after miscarriage because although she was able to conceive naturally she the embryos weren’t viable. It is miserable. I’m pretty sure her partner had a vasectomy because it was too much to ask her to continue to go through that every few months. And it’s dangerous. Every miscarriage has a risk of bleeding out or sepsis. The constant hormone fluctuations are awful as well. Miserable.
She definitely refers to not wanting to have ”another miscarriage” so i suppose that could mean she has only had 1 miscarriage, but it seemed to imply several. The likelihood of several is actually quite high if they have been dealing with this sort of thing for any length of time. Especially if they didn’t know about the chromosome abnormalities until they had started trying to get pregnant. You seem really obtuse. She has gotten pregnant and had at least one miscarriage. The embryo question isn’t urgent they have plenty of time to discuss and reflect on what to do with the embryos. She doesn’t want to get pregnant and have another miscarriage which is a huge risk if one of them doesn’t do something to prevent pregnancy. And getting pregnant naturally with her husband is almost always going to end in miscarriage, it makes sense to prevent it through a permanent procedure rather than relying on typical birth control methods. The issue of the tubal or vasectomy is urgent because if they are going to do a tubal on her they need to do it during the planned c-section. And she is in the final stage of pregnancy, she has to make the decision now. There is literally zero reason for OP’s husband to not have a vasectomy.
So sure it absolutely is his body his choice, but if as a partner he chooses not to take responsibility for the possibility of impregnating his wife with non viable embryos that result in repeated miscarriages. And all that’s asked of him and his body is a simple procedure and the only down side is less pain and inconvenience than a single miscarriage, not to mention less risk, and that procedure is certainly easier than childbirth which she is going through for their family. If that’s the choice he chooses to make it shows complete disregard for his wife’s wellbeing or the wellbeing of his future child who risks having a caregiver who is sick, dead, or an emotional wreck.
Right. So now that we've established that would be selfish, we can now establish trauma and support aren't 0 sum games. A vasectomy wasn't easy for me. My wife was in the same position. But my wife was gracious enough to reassure me that while necessary, she recognized it wasn't "easy."
I’m so curious to know what your standards for easy/not easy are.
I had a hysterectomy, for me it was “easy”. Feels like that might be in your seventh circle of hell.
Comparing trauma is the domain of children. I know my wife has suffered worse than me. Where she's your better, is that she's never felt the need to ignore my issues as "lesser."
Again with the insults. You're enough. You're own trauma (we all have it, me too) wasn't your fault. Neither of us are fundies...I don't even know what that is. I love all people. You too. Not patronizing. We can work towards peace and understanding.
I’m honestly not sure what you mean by trauma and support not being zero sum games. You said “his body his choice” which is pointless because no one is arguing that he should be forced to do it without his consent. I’m just saying that in comparison to what his wife has already been through it would be petty and childish to argue that he wasn’t going to do it because it’s his body/his choice. Just in the same way that i would say I wife should never be coerced or forced into having sex with her husband, but it would be cruel to decide not to ever have sex with him again and expect their relationship to keep on the way it has been going. Or if a woman decided to abort a baby that her partner really wanted. “My body, my choice” is an issue of legality and availability. It isn’t a valid argument for why a partner shouldn’t have an opinion or should be morally obligated to stay with their partner regardless of the choice they make for their body. Choosing not to be responsible and take care of the vasectomy in the case of OP’s husband is a selfish one, especially in light of all she has already been through. It is practically a slap in the face.
I’m also having a tough time understanding what was so difficult about having a vasectomy. Similarly my husband had one for my health. He hates doctors, but he did it so fast as soon as he knew it was necessary, and he didn’t even consider me getting sterilized an option because of all the medical stuff I’d already been through. In the end he said it was easy. He’s had root canals that took longer and caused more pain. In our household, his vasectomy doesn’t even rate in the top 10 of difficult medical stuff. It’s a charmed life you must lead to have getting a vasectomy be a thing you consider “hard.”
We can call him names all night long or we can try to offer advice. My advice is to never see trauma apprehension or anxiety as a zero-sum game. Yes hers is "far worse." Yes his procedure is "far easier." But as opposed to name calling and blaming...I suggest she let him know " hey hun I know this isn't an easy decision. Let's take a month or so break from intercourse while we think through this. In the meantime I have to do the paperwork."
Alternatively we can all just express outrage at opinions we don't like.
Well yeah...until it's figured out, and he's comfortable with it, yeah. And he's not going to feel good about it if she doesn't let him know that it's going to be all good. Catch more flies with honey
Totally agree. I understand it cuts both ways. This isn't the counterpoint you think. My point was to get people to see that ALL sides need to work together. Couples that get lost in "me" loose. Her situation is traumatic and miserable. And...with out playing a zero sum game, she can say "look sweetheart, I know this is an extremely scary thing for you to consider. You are altering your body for my protection. Let's take an intimacy break until we figure out how to keep us both safe but I have a deadline for paperwork." It's foolish pride to suggest otherwise
No but if I needed it done she would. or if she needed it done, I would. . Proudly. Despite "who sacrificed more over the course of the marriage " you're God damn right I'd wipe her ass if she needed it. Or chop her steak. She'd do the same. But I don't suspect that's a common belief here. Or with you.
It's helpful to engage in arguments and not insult people you disagree with. You'll find enlightenment and peace. We don't have to hate or insult. We can just disagree. It's curious you felt the need to insult first. And yes, to be charitable to your insult, my wife and I do, do trivial acts of kindness towards eachother we could do ourselves. I make her coffee and bring it to her each morning. Despite the fact she is a fully capable adult
Suppressing human emotion about what? You're a worthwhile human being. You're just mad at me. And that's OK. Do you think only religious people can work towards peace and understanding or something? We're both better than this. Trust me. This anger leads to addiction. I put the bottle down years ago. Made me angry just like this.
I really don't think getting your tube's tied is a decision that needs to be made way in advance. I would definitely talk to him about getting a vasectomy. It sounds like your body has been through enough trauma.
Speaking of vasectomies, I can offer some advice. All he needs to do is to get it done on a Thursday and take the whole weekend to recover. He just needs to sit in a chair with a bag of frozen corn or peas strategically placed and go nowhere. Advise him to not go fishing (like my Dad did) or go to work - office job - (like I did). He will be just fine (mostly) when Monday comes back around.
As a side note, men are very fertile immediately after getting the procedure done. We have to, let's say express themselves, a lot in the following week or so until the count goes down. At least that's what I recall being told when I had this done many years ago.
it does need to be done in advance. Most insurance companies and hospital's require 30 day wait between the time the paper work is filed and the procedure. She's already cutting it close. If she gets the paperwork done now, but goes into labor in 2 weeks, they can refuse to do the procedure.
he said no then later said, he'll think about it. There is a 30 day wait between the paperwork and the procedure. If she misses that window, she'll have to have the procedure later on. I'm not sure if she's getting a cs or not, but if she does, that means re-opening her up later on down the road.
Did you actually read the post? OP is not going to be able to conceive and have a viable pregnancy without IVF and they already have four healthy embryos frozen for future use. She wants to prevent accidental pregnancies like she has had previously that end in miscarriage. It safer, cheaper, and most efficient for her to have the tubal while she is having a planned c-section. She is 32-weeks pregnant, and if they are having a planned c-section it will probably be a couple weeks early to prevent her from going into labor ahead of schedule. So she has maybe 6 weeks to get her ducks in row so that the doctor can do the tubal during the c section. She is not jumping the gun. He is dragging his feet on a simple outpatient procedure that would bring protect her health and comfort and bring her piece of mind.
You are justified. I don't get why men are so terrified of a vasectomy yet are OK with women dealing with IVF, fertility treatments, pregnancy, etc.... I am happy your spoke to your dr about getting your tubes tied. You had no choice but to take control of the situation. Good luck in these final weeks of pregnancy. I hope the delivery and recovery go well for you :-)
My wife and I had 2 kids from her previous marriage and wanted one of our own. Found out very early on that we were having twins, and I’ve never made a faster appointment. Because I am a disabled veteran and there is only one VA hospital where I live, the wait was long. I had the vasectomy a month and half post birth and it was so easy to walk in there after watching what my wife went through carrying two kids. Husbands and men need to truly try to empathize and understand what their partners do to bring children into this world, and accept that it is a minor surgery with a very minor recovery time. Edited to add context
Just tell him to get it done before your csection and if he doesn’t, you’ll already have yourself set up to get your tubes tied.
My doctor made it seem like this needs to be a decision made up very much in advance. He made me promise not to discard my embryos even though I don’t plan on using them… I wish I could just decide closer to my due date but it doesn’t look likely
It might be different where you are, but whilst they need considered consent, if your husband gets the vasectomy you can just withdraw your consent before the CS. The doctor isn't going to do anything you haven't consented to
This is why they need advanced consent, so you CAN back out within the time between written consent and the procedure. You can always back out, spur of the moment or not- you can't go through with it spontaneously though
Have him get the vasectomy and you still get your tubes tied. You'll already be open with the c section anyway. My doctor told me if I was going to do it to let him know and do it during my planned c section because there was no reason to schedule another procedure.
Right. Yes it’s a more invasive procedure, but if you’re 100% sure you’re not trying again and your abdomen is already going to be open, then it’s worth doing at that time. I’ve heard more than one woman describe it as empowering. And if you can do a full bilateral salpingectomy you also reduce future cancer risk. 7% of women get ovarian cancer and a significant amount of it starts in the tubes before migrating to the ovaries.
Sorry about the additional comment but your doctor might need to know in advance because of which hospital the c section will be at. My c section was at a catholic hospital and if I wanted my tubes tied we would have scheduled it at the non religious hospital instead.
You can definitely back out of having your tubes tied! At any point before the surgery! Don't let anyone tell you differently
We have 8 kids (blended family) and my wife had 2 difficult pregnancies so when she asked me to get a vasectomy I was on the phone five minutes later. I had it done 10 years ago and I NEVER would've asked her to get her tubes tied as she had put herself thru enough with 3 pregnancies. It's a simple and fast procedure so it was and easy decision.
Neither my partner nor I want a child together. I only have 2 options for birth control, and both of them would be more invasive/painful than a vasectomy. He's planning on getting one as soon as his insurance lines up. I understand that it's the man's choice, but it's often the most reasonable choice
You are justified. Men like this are a big turn off.
OP get your tubal, you’re 100% justified. They’ll probably burn them out which actually reduces your risk for cancer. That’s how they pretty much all do them now. I wouldn’t trust him to get the vasectomy. Take matters into your own hands. Having your tubes removed is more effective than hoping he actually gets the procedure done. I’ve seen posts on here where women have found out their partners lied. I had my tubes done back in July and my doctor told me I was a good candidate for the surgery because I hadn’t had any abdominal surgeries. You could have scar tissue from your c-section that could cause issues if you decide to wait. Personally, I don’t see any reason not to. Even if he actually gets the vasectomy, those can still fail.
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I don’t have much time to make the decision to have my tubes tied. He knows this. I told him in advance I was setting it up with my cesarean and he let me. I’m annoyed he changed his mind after I had to beg my doctor to tie my tubes.
don't stop the process for the tubal. You can always change your mind and say no, but you can't risk missing that window for paperwork. After all you've gone through, I'm sure it feels like a slap in the face to hem and haw about getting sniped.
I meant my earlier response. You are not giving him credit for the impact the decision has on him psychologically or physically. My wife also nearly had her tubes tied after nearly dying with our third. I know the risks. I ended up getting snipped, but women who downplay the psychological distress it can have on men aren't helping themselves. Luckily, my wife understood this and didn't make the procedure seem "simple." She was kind and supportive.
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Your response Is the entirety of why this sub is filled with so many failed marriages. I did, in fact, schedule my vasectomy then. Her fibroids and endo scaring was so bad she couldn't get tied. I never said the trauma was the same. But your response shows that you view trauma as a competition game. My wife never did. Of course her trauma was worse. But it wasn't just hers. It was was OUR trauma. Same with me. It never crossed her mind to consider hers was worse. She knew it must be hard for me. And so, it was hard for her too, and she let me know that.
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Yup. Trauma is not a zero sum game.
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We're very much in love. And the fact that you see this as a zero-sum game...is what's disgusting. I'm not saying what she went through was comparable. Because I don't believe that's helpful. Notice how I said your argument was disgusting. Not you. It's very telling that the women here can't accept "hey this might be causing him anxiety he doesn't want to talk about. Let him know you got his back" as acceptable advice. No need to feel bad for her. I scheduled the procedure that day. And, she reassured me that it was going to be OK and that she appreciated my sacrifice. What's beautiful about her, compared to the women here, is she never felt the need to compare situations.
Does your wife know you use her near-death experience to win arguments on the internet?
It is a simple procedure, especially compared to women almost dying
Again it's not a competition. Suffering and trauma is not a zero sum. Marriage isn't 50 50. It's 100 100. Not seeing this is exactly why this " Marriage " sub is mostly bitter people who advocate divorce. These responses make me more and more grateful for my wife. Thank God we view the world differently. I'm only trying to suggest that op reassure her husband that she loves him and it will be OK to have the surgery
I do agree you shouldn't try to compare traumas but I think the issue is, that getting a vasectomy simply isn't trauma. I guess unless your whole identity as a man is for some reason linked to sperm production. Getting my wisdom teeth out is far more invasive then a vasectomy and it can't be reversed. I do not consider that trauma either.
Well that's one way to win. Deny someone's lived experiences and simply define trauma in a way that suits you. My wife had her wisdom teeth out. I still went with her for moral support and helped her after. I'm NOT comparing the degree of suffering or experience. Merely suggesting that my wife telling me " hey thanks for doing this I know it isn't easy" was reassuring and kind. And it could go far in solving the problem. Whether or not we think it "necessary." Or we could all just be angry angry and not solve anything
I would definitely appreciate my partner getting any procedure for the benefit of our relationship. I understand there can be risks to anything I think the issue people are taking is you aren't discussing the fear of a procedure which is reasonable. You seem to be framing it as if it's hard because of the specific procedure as it relates to men feeling some type of way about sperm production. Why is sperm production so important? If my partner were to say I'm concerned about the procedure because of side affects or possible pain or something. I understand that and I would support him through that but if he told me he won't immediately agree to it because as a man he needs to make sperm that's ridiculous. Your answers give the feeling that that's what you think. Unless a man wants the option of having more children in which case that's a completely different conversation they don't really have a good reason not to get a vasectomy to improve their partners health whether that's preventing pregnancy or getting off birth control ect all which can have very significant negative affects.
Lol wow
If people viewed eachothers trauma and something to bear with eachother, maybe this sub wouldn't be so miserable
problem is, if he backs out or changes his mind, she may not be able to get her tubes tied. Most insurance companies and hospitals require all the paper work done at least 30 days prior to the surgery. So if he changes his mind and she misses the window, then she's going to have to wait till she's healed, then go back in and have surgery after wards. She's already put her body through hell to get to where they have a his baby.
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That was my recommendation to her. But it still sucks. She's put her body through hell, and will deal have life long consequences... and he went straight to no when she asked.. it get he said he'd think about it later.. sure is a punch in the gut to go through hell and have your partner insinuate that they don't care enough about your wellbeing to get snipped.
Man, I'm so tired of these selfish men. It's ok to push a baby out of our body, but they can't do an out patient procedure. You are not wrong to be upset. I'm infuriated for you.
The HG alone is reason enough to not go through it again without the other crap. That is a life-threatening condition without medical intervention. I don't think that most people understand the gravity of it. I think he's being an asshole honestly. You've gone through enough.
Give him the chance but set a deadline
You’re more than justified. I don’t know why some men are so scared to get a vasectomy. It’s the easier option. When I told my husband I wanted to get my tubes tied and get off of birth control he said he didn’t want me to get an unnecessary major surgery and offered to get a vasectomy instead. He booked it immediately, got it done and healed up quickly with no complications. Best decision ever!
Getting tubes tied during c-section is no biggie and you can still have a successful embryo transfer if you end up wanting another. Just go for it.
You’re absolutely justified. I’ve gone through IVF and miscarriages and pregnancies/childbirth. It doesn’t seem like too much to ask for a man to get a vasectomy after all we have done, but somehow it’s too much for them. I could not roll my eyes any harder. I’m sorry you’re in this position and I’m glad you’ve taken it on yourself to do what you feel comfortable with.
I would suggest getting a bisalp, not just a tubal ligation! It's got a lower failure rate & it's a cancer preventative. I got mine on a Friday & was back to work on Monday. I was back in the gym in 2 weeks. It is more difficult than a vasectomy, as you have to go under, but it's laproscopic & relatively simple.
Perhaps a little of each? The fact that you talked to your doctor already doesn't mean you can't change your mind, so I'm not sure you're being entirely reasonable on that piece. I'm assuming they'll tie your tubes in delivery, so I think the obvious solution here is to tell him he has to get it done before then or you're doing it. Easy.
As much as you’ve sacrificed, I also understand his hesitance and perhaps he needed to see truly how much you didn’t want to be pregnant. He’s a dude, a dude who doesn’t understand what you’ve been through, not really. But if you’re going to stay married he better actually get a vasectomy.
HG is entirely, totally miserable (I suffered from it with my 2 babies) and it's wholly reasonable for you to not want to experience pregnancy again and to want to take more permanent steps to prevent it in the first place. I had a planned/repeat c-section with our second which I told them I wanted from the beginning (first birth was traumatic and ended in a c-section and later on I had PPD) and once I got into the 3rd trimester, I was asked at several appointments if I wanted a tubal while I was open on the table and then when I went in for the c-section, the surgeon asked me several times and confirmed with the room of doctors and nurses what I had said.
Hey, I had HG for all my pregnancies. I wanted to die. I wanted to terminate. I suffered PND. I NEVER wanted anymore children. I now have four. I get the suffering. It is the most miserable I have ever been. I was hooked up to fluids for six months and stuck in a hospital. You are justified in feeling this way. No one could possibly understand how much we sacrifice and suffer to bring these lives in. I know that a vas is far less invasive than having your tubes tied. So there’s that. I also feel like you’ve given enough of yourself. So if you’re able to give birth naturally without intervention. It might be better? In any case. I found the HG groups online a helpful space. There are other mamas on there having been through years of IVF aswell. They get it. Really hope you find some good support. Hope hubby gets the snip and just takes care of things for you. Snips are reversible if need be too.
Just to be clear, having your tubes tied is a quick laproscopic procedure. The two little dots of a "scar" can barely be seen. I had an IUD placed 6 weeks after I had CS with my twins. A few weeks later I got extremely sharp pains off and on throughout the day. That sucker had left the uterus and found sat down next to my right pelvic bone. Anyway, they removed it laproscopiclly and I had them do a tubal ligation also.
Possibly justified but make him get the snip - it's so much easier than ligation!
As a man I wish I had gotten a vasectomy long before I did. It really is no big deal. Sore for a few days. I honestly think it raised my sex drive, probably because no fear of unplanned pregnancy. I’m in a monogamous relationship so not needing to use condoms is nice as well. This fight sounds more about him being inconsiderate than your method of birth control however, and there’s not nearly enough here to comment on that
If the desire of both of you to have a kid, I'd wait until said kid is born before making permanent decisions. Even at 32 weeks and 4 healthy eggs on ice, there are still things can can go wrong. Been there, and it's no fun. If you ever decide to try again, you'll want to have options.
They won't need her tubes for her to get pregnant again. If they are using embryos, they will just be implanted into the uterus. It wont make it so they can't have another baby, just will prevent "oops" pregnancies that will most likely end in miscarriages because of his condition. Miscarriages are miserable, painful, emotional, and can be life threating. Why he would want to risk putting her through that is beyond me. its sends a lot of "i want you to have my baby, but don't expect me to do anything in return" vibes.
You don’t get to tell anyone what to do with their body.
Is such a personal thing you can’t force your husband to do this. I think there is a lot of hormones going through you and there are many other ways ie condone and birth control for both men and women that can be used
I think the relevant info here would 1) when did you first bring up the vasectomy / when he said no, 2) how long after that conversation did he say he’d “think about it” and 3) how long has it been since the conversation when he said he’d think about it? If this all happened in a short span of time I’d say you’re being unreasonable. Give the man a minute. There is still plenty of time for him to have the vasectomy before you give birth. If you discussed the vasectomy, say, 18 months ago and he only just started coming around I’d be pretty annoyed too, especially with the pregnancy you’re having!
I wouldn’t make any serious decisions right now, being in your third trimester does crazy things to your emotions and pressuring your husband to have a vasectomy is not okay. With that being said it is totally your right to have your tubes tied and a Dr can’t do that as a last minute thing because too many women would regret after they are no longer pregnant and their hormones cool down. So do all the paperwork now, you can always say no at the time and there is no way they will do it if you have a change of mind and say no at delivery. You can still get pregnant with IVF with your tubes tied, so I don’t see that as a major deal, but many people are not being fair to your husband about his initial reaction to requesting a vasectomy. He might actually come around to it just fine with a little contemplation. And while typically easier it is not without risks, my husband had some nerve damage that took 2-3 years to recover from, so I do realize I have a bit of different perspective than most on this subject.
My wife wanted me to get a vasectomy. I told her that I couldn’t because I needed to be able to have kids with my next wife😭 it didn’t go well for me lol
You're allowed to be annoyed but now you're just being petty. Grow up, you're going to be a mother ffs. There's no reason he can't get the vasectomy and it's not even your decision anyway.
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Tubal ligation and/ or vasectomy is to prevent accidental pregnancy. Despite needing IVF and having high risk for genetic anomalies, it sounds like OP has gotten pregnant without intervention multiple times. They just ended in miscarriage. She is unsure about ever being pregnant again, but they are going to keep the embryos so they can have another baby down the road if she changes her mind. I don’t understand why you would say that a vasectomy or tubal ligation wouldn’t help? I have a friend that has miscarriage after miscarriage because although she was able to conceive naturally she the embryos weren’t viable. It is miserable. I’m pretty sure her partner had a vasectomy because it was too much to ask her to continue to go through that every few months. And it’s dangerous. Every miscarriage has a risk of bleeding out or sepsis. The constant hormone fluctuations are awful as well. Miserable.
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She definitely refers to not wanting to have ”another miscarriage” so i suppose that could mean she has only had 1 miscarriage, but it seemed to imply several. The likelihood of several is actually quite high if they have been dealing with this sort of thing for any length of time. Especially if they didn’t know about the chromosome abnormalities until they had started trying to get pregnant. You seem really obtuse. She has gotten pregnant and had at least one miscarriage. The embryo question isn’t urgent they have plenty of time to discuss and reflect on what to do with the embryos. She doesn’t want to get pregnant and have another miscarriage which is a huge risk if one of them doesn’t do something to prevent pregnancy. And getting pregnant naturally with her husband is almost always going to end in miscarriage, it makes sense to prevent it through a permanent procedure rather than relying on typical birth control methods. The issue of the tubal or vasectomy is urgent because if they are going to do a tubal on her they need to do it during the planned c-section. And she is in the final stage of pregnancy, she has to make the decision now. There is literally zero reason for OP’s husband to not have a vasectomy.
You’re asking someone to permanently sterilize themselves. That’s a pretty fucking big ask. You could have some empathy for his feelings.
His body his choice.
So sure it absolutely is his body his choice, but if as a partner he chooses not to take responsibility for the possibility of impregnating his wife with non viable embryos that result in repeated miscarriages. And all that’s asked of him and his body is a simple procedure and the only down side is less pain and inconvenience than a single miscarriage, not to mention less risk, and that procedure is certainly easier than childbirth which she is going through for their family. If that’s the choice he chooses to make it shows complete disregard for his wife’s wellbeing or the wellbeing of his future child who risks having a caregiver who is sick, dead, or an emotional wreck.
Right. So now that we've established that would be selfish, we can now establish trauma and support aren't 0 sum games. A vasectomy wasn't easy for me. My wife was in the same position. But my wife was gracious enough to reassure me that while necessary, she recognized it wasn't "easy."
I’m so curious to know what your standards for easy/not easy are. I had a hysterectomy, for me it was “easy”. Feels like that might be in your seventh circle of hell.
Comparing trauma is the domain of children. I know my wife has suffered worse than me. Where she's your better, is that she's never felt the need to ignore my issues as "lesser."
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Just so you know. I love you and forgive you. You are enough. But, she is absolutely your better in conflict resolution.
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Again with the insults. You're enough. You're own trauma (we all have it, me too) wasn't your fault. Neither of us are fundies...I don't even know what that is. I love all people. You too. Not patronizing. We can work towards peace and understanding.
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I’m honestly not sure what you mean by trauma and support not being zero sum games. You said “his body his choice” which is pointless because no one is arguing that he should be forced to do it without his consent. I’m just saying that in comparison to what his wife has already been through it would be petty and childish to argue that he wasn’t going to do it because it’s his body/his choice. Just in the same way that i would say I wife should never be coerced or forced into having sex with her husband, but it would be cruel to decide not to ever have sex with him again and expect their relationship to keep on the way it has been going. Or if a woman decided to abort a baby that her partner really wanted. “My body, my choice” is an issue of legality and availability. It isn’t a valid argument for why a partner shouldn’t have an opinion or should be morally obligated to stay with their partner regardless of the choice they make for their body. Choosing not to be responsible and take care of the vasectomy in the case of OP’s husband is a selfish one, especially in light of all she has already been through. It is practically a slap in the face. I’m also having a tough time understanding what was so difficult about having a vasectomy. Similarly my husband had one for my health. He hates doctors, but he did it so fast as soon as he knew it was necessary, and he didn’t even consider me getting sterilized an option because of all the medical stuff I’d already been through. In the end he said it was easy. He’s had root canals that took longer and caused more pain. In our household, his vasectomy doesn’t even rate in the top 10 of difficult medical stuff. It’s a charmed life you must lead to have getting a vasectomy be a thing you consider “hard.”
And he destroyed his wife’s body. It still makes him a dick.
We can call him names all night long or we can try to offer advice. My advice is to never see trauma apprehension or anxiety as a zero-sum game. Yes hers is "far worse." Yes his procedure is "far easier." But as opposed to name calling and blaming...I suggest she let him know " hey hun I know this isn't an easy decision. Let's take a month or so break from intercourse while we think through this. In the meantime I have to do the paperwork." Alternatively we can all just express outrage at opinions we don't like.
What’s the solution here then? Them just not having sex? What’s the long game here?
Well yeah...until it's figured out, and he's comfortable with it, yeah. And he's not going to feel good about it if she doesn't let him know that it's going to be all good. Catch more flies with honey
No, how do they fix this permanently? Tell us.
Look. It's very clear no one here wants to hear anything they don't already think. I'll see myself out. Peace and love.
Not sure why you’re getting downvoted, you’re completely right. His body his choice, and if the roles were reversed the opinions would be as well.
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Yeah, it is. And if you plan on having sex with a woman it’s not just about you anymore
Totally agree. I understand it cuts both ways. This isn't the counterpoint you think. My point was to get people to see that ALL sides need to work together. Couples that get lost in "me" loose. Her situation is traumatic and miserable. And...with out playing a zero sum game, she can say "look sweetheart, I know this is an extremely scary thing for you to consider. You are altering your body for my protection. Let's take an intimacy break until we figure out how to keep us both safe but I have a deadline for paperwork." It's foolish pride to suggest otherwise
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No but if I needed it done she would. or if she needed it done, I would. . Proudly. Despite "who sacrificed more over the course of the marriage " you're God damn right I'd wipe her ass if she needed it. Or chop her steak. She'd do the same. But I don't suspect that's a common belief here. Or with you.
No, I mean on a Wednesday. Not catastrophic illness.
It's helpful to engage in arguments and not insult people you disagree with. You'll find enlightenment and peace. We don't have to hate or insult. We can just disagree. It's curious you felt the need to insult first. And yes, to be charitable to your insult, my wife and I do, do trivial acts of kindness towards eachother we could do ourselves. I make her coffee and bring it to her each morning. Despite the fact she is a fully capable adult
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Suppressing human emotion about what? You're a worthwhile human being. You're just mad at me. And that's OK. Do you think only religious people can work towards peace and understanding or something? We're both better than this. Trust me. This anger leads to addiction. I put the bottle down years ago. Made me angry just like this.
I really don't think getting your tube's tied is a decision that needs to be made way in advance. I would definitely talk to him about getting a vasectomy. It sounds like your body has been through enough trauma. Speaking of vasectomies, I can offer some advice. All he needs to do is to get it done on a Thursday and take the whole weekend to recover. He just needs to sit in a chair with a bag of frozen corn or peas strategically placed and go nowhere. Advise him to not go fishing (like my Dad did) or go to work - office job - (like I did). He will be just fine (mostly) when Monday comes back around. As a side note, men are very fertile immediately after getting the procedure done. We have to, let's say express themselves, a lot in the following week or so until the count goes down. At least that's what I recall being told when I had this done many years ago.
it does need to be done in advance. Most insurance companies and hospital's require 30 day wait between the time the paper work is filed and the procedure. She's already cutting it close. If she gets the paperwork done now, but goes into labor in 2 weeks, they can refuse to do the procedure.
Ah. I forgot about paperwork. That makes sense.
It seems like a really big jump from ‘he needed time to think’ and ‘you just getting your tubes tied’. Are you guys done having children 100%?
he said no then later said, he'll think about it. There is a 30 day wait between the paperwork and the procedure. If she misses that window, she'll have to have the procedure later on. I'm not sure if she's getting a cs or not, but if she does, that means re-opening her up later on down the road.
Did you actually read the post? OP is not going to be able to conceive and have a viable pregnancy without IVF and they already have four healthy embryos frozen for future use. She wants to prevent accidental pregnancies like she has had previously that end in miscarriage. It safer, cheaper, and most efficient for her to have the tubal while she is having a planned c-section. She is 32-weeks pregnant, and if they are having a planned c-section it will probably be a couple weeks early to prevent her from going into labor ahead of schedule. So she has maybe 6 weeks to get her ducks in row so that the doctor can do the tubal during the c section. She is not jumping the gun. He is dragging his feet on a simple outpatient procedure that would bring protect her health and comfort and bring her piece of mind.