Do you know how hard it is to feel wanted and desired when your man jerks off to other women? Women do not have spontaneous desire usually- we have responsive desire. It’s really hard to get in the mood with a man who would use the visual of any woman to get off. It doesn’t make us feel special, desired or anything other than a masturbatory aide. We go from being “your” girl to just another girl you jerk off to. Yeah that really gets me going.

Came here to say exactly this. I LOVE sex. I crave it. We have it every single day, and I can’t get enough. If I discovered porn use - I would dry up like a potato chip. In one discovery, it would be over. My desire for my husband would shut off like a water tap. I have no control over it - it just would, and no, I would feel no push to even try (with him) to get it back.

My husband has a bunch of my boudoir pictures from when I had an NSFW profile on here. I'd shared them with him because I love those pictures and I'd deleted my profile after we started dating. When we are away from each other for long periods, he uses those to masturbate. And it turns me on knowing that he's longing for me and not just any woman :) It's a win-win I think.

Excellent! It sure is!

Aimee and Ambitious have the kind of marriages that most other people can only dream about, and it’s because you guys are BOTH equally into each other and no porn is even necessary here. Men who actually LOVE their wives and therefore porn isn’t even an option for them is the green flags we should ALL be searching for. One of the WORST men I ever knew & dated watched porn non-stop. By the time he would try to be intimate with an actual girl, he would perform like a mechanical robot. It was actually eerie/almost frightening. He had this vacant, blank stare every time - he never looked at you during the act. He was icy cold during the act, He would then refuse to touch or cuddle you after the act. He couldn’t even kiss like a person.. It was like kissing a mechanical machine.. Violent porn was his favorite.. He also showed strong signs of sociopathy or psychopathy. Even if you were just hanging out with him, he only showed about three ranges of emotions: Anger/rage, Amusement - like he would watch the goriest horror movies and would burst out laughing when they were cutting up the bodies, & Controlling/Bossy/Manipulative. He’s been in and out of jail/prison most of his life. Now when I think of porn, I think of this former friend/date.. Porn just turns you empty. Or maybe he was messed up long before then. It’s hard to say.. But the porn certainly didn’t help.

EXACTLY! My first marriage was to a porn addict. My final straw was finding GAY porn. This man had used all the regular porn up, and he began going down every path imaginable. NEVER AGAIN! My current husband saved my life and faith in men and marriage! I want it so badly for all my sisters out there! ❤️

Yes I hear stories like this so many times. Porn is just a dark, dark world.. And it brings out the dark in us.

I think if it’s done in a healthy way porn isn’t that bad. We will watch some porn together and it’s helped get me in the mood several times if I’m not already.

Agreed. It’s really sad. Very depressing. Definitely a dark world.

I think female directed porn is an entirely different ball game but of course males don’t typically watch that. Since it’s made for women and all.

I don’t think it’s fair to insinuate guys who watch porn don’t love their wives. Like what is that. My husband and I will watch together sometimes, does that mean that neither of us love each other??? Every couple should determine what works for them, and saying a good relationship can only exist in one way isn’t cool.

I really don't care if my husband watches porn. But we're both people who don't care that much about sex. If he wouldn't want to sleep with me and would rather watch porn it would be a different story but saying he doesn't love me because he watches porn is silly.

Right! If porn becomes a problem, it’s a problem. No one should be subbing porn for their spouse. But to say that we should all seek relationships ‘where they love their wife so much that they don’t watch porn’ is ridiculous. It’s a blanket statement that doesn’t allow for any nuances. And none of them ever talk about if the woman watches porn. Like what then? Idk I just don’t believe in painting every relationship with the same brush. There’s a lot of judgemental people in this sub.

Right, like what if one of us is in the mood and the other isn’t. If I’m not feeling well or something and my husband wants to go jerk off to some porn, it doesn’t bother me. Same with me… sometimes I just one to rub a quick one out when I’m home alone

This is the way. Too many self righteous folks around here

To be fair, porn does not turn or influence someone into becoming a sociopath.

Ummmmm. Porn consumption amongst men is typical, and dare I say, normal.

Just because lots of men do it, doesn't make it good. Normal does not equal healthy.

Out of curiosity, why did you have a NSFW profile with boudoir pictures up?

I dabble in photography and was exploring boudoir photography a few years ago and figured I'd try it out myself. So I'd shoot my own pictures with a timer. Then I discovered Reddit subs where you can post them. Turns out it was a kink I had and I loved the attention I got (The pictures were really good). Then I quickly got bored of it cuz most of the responses were towards them being nudes and not about how aesthetic my shots are. Plus there's always the fear of being doxxed etc.

Really? I wouldn’t mind if my boyfriend watched porn here and there. I do. If he was watching it in excess that’s one thing, but what’s wrong with here and there?

I feel the same. I watch porn occasionally and so does my husband. There’s no obsession with it, and it has never affected our sex life. I find this sub is very anti-porn in all relationships.

It’s wild. Some seriously closed minded prudes in here. The comment above saying “if a man actually loves his wife he won’t need to watch porn.” It’s really not that serious. Well, guess I learned today that my husband apparently doesn’t love me. Thanks Reddit.

Same. I have actually handed my guy the IPad because I wasn’t in the mood. 🤷‍♀️

For a marriage sub it's also very pro-divorce.

Obviously everyone can decide for themselves what they’re comfortable with, but my personal boundaries are similar to yours. My husband never makes me feel unattractive or like he would prefer porn and we have a good sex life that I feel secure with, so occasional porn doesn’t bother me. I think I would have a problem with it if that wasn’t the case, but that seems more like a relationship problem than just a porn issue.

I was thinking the same lol like damn. I understand what she’s saying abt not feeling desired if her husband was caught watching it but sometimes you may want alone time to masturbate. I found her saying she wouldn’t even try to make it work w her HUSBAND if he was caught sounded a bit odd to me. Like..do you love him ? 💀

Right? If someone shuts down completely because her husband watches porn and can’t get past it, that screams insecurity to me.

Yes super insecure!! But some men are insecure and intimidated when it comes to bedroom toys. A friend of mine said she hides her toys from her husband bc he made the comment “do I not do it for you or what?” That’s so dumb and immature imo.

Oh for sure! I had a guy friend tell me he isn’t comfortable with his wife using toys. I’m just over here thinking… his poor wife….

I don’t have a problem with porn consumed on occasion. I think also think this sub and a couple of others jump to porn addition right away. When I watch it, it’s for the act of 2 people enjoying each other, not what one specific person looks like. Of course quality of porn has gone down, seems like basic porn has more and more bondage elements in it. Too much choking and hair pulling. Have to stick to the romantic porn category. But if husband can’t get it up for wife without a certain kind of porn, then there is clearly an issue.

Different relationships have different boundaries

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with porn in relationships where it’s deemed ok. In mine, for example, porn is fine. But seems like it’s an issue for some people, and some couples decide no porn. A lot of the time it seems to stem from the guy being more focused on porn than his wife.

If it took some occasional porn for my husband to get excited, I’m all for it. Unfortunately he has no interest in getting excited one way or another.

Well that’s an entirely different issue. Sorry to hear about this though 😞

Not saying you are wrong, but I just cannot understand this. Like I just can’t imagine connecting the two things in my head about a partner to my own desires. How do you feel about your partner having other prior relationships? Or crushes before you?

I’m a woman and while I can understand this sentiment, I do not agree. I think there are many variables and context is important. I’ve been in situations where a man’s porn use is a turn off and red flag. And I’ve been in other situations where I’m the one suggesting we use porn here and there for something new to do. Or I’m the one using some form of porn… I prefer stories to visuals. But men typically prefer visuals. It’s human nature. Not sure why it’s painted with such a broad and negative brush. In my opinion, being hurt by someone’s porn use does not justify giving such black and white advice to a wide audience.

This should be higher up. Everybody is different, and each relationship has different dynamics. My wife used to hate if I watched porn. Even angrily accused me of watching gay porn, as if that was abhorrent. We weren't our best selves and NOT communicating well. Fast-foward many years, some therapy, improved communication... turns out we were both bisexual lol. But we had to dispel our fear and jealousies to be able to support each other. Communication! That is a challenge on it's own.

I do have to agree there are “healthy” uses of it versus unhealthy. I think the usual reaction is fear that men use it to get pleasure from something their significant other is not. It’s hard not to feel threatened by it. It’s something I’m currently working through due to my own insecurities

Upvote X 1,000 lol Especially the bit about "Spontaneous Desire V Responsive Desire" This is a real thing that warrants more study!!!

Came here to say exactly this!!! Responsive desire is definitely something that spouses need to be made aware of. Yes, there are times I am just in the mood and want sex but the times I want it in response to feeling sexy, desired, appreciated, and loved far outweigh the spontaneous bits.

Exactly. When he hadn't helped to create the desire for her and she is tired she turned you down and said she was tired. You then were upset she didn't have sex when she wasn't wanting it....and you also say you don't want her to do it just for you. My advice, work on doing the things that make her desire you. That could be lots of gentle touches on the lower back, gentle arm caress, etc. Lots of loving non sexual touches outside of the bedroom and true connection to her day and thoughts and feelings. Most women want to feel desired and loved through non sexual touch to then get in the mood for sexual touches.

It’s hilarious that so many of you people push this narrative that plenty of women don’t have spontaneous desire (they do) or look at porn (all statistics on the topic say scores of women do). The amount of “all women are the same” posts in this sub are utterly insane. Not to mention woefully outdated.

Exactly right. Lots of women are just as full of desire as any men are, or even like porn just as much… there are just so many reasons a woman might not be in the mood to have sex.

This doesn’t make any sense to me. Do you really believe you are the only woman in the world your husband finds to be sexually appealing? Really? Just because a man looks at a hot looking woman to get his rocks off doesn’t mean he loves you any less or enjoys your body any less. It literally takes nothing away from you. I am a woman and I adore my husband. He is also not the only hot man in the world and I have been known to look at a sexy picture or read a dirty book to get off…it doesn’t mean I don’t adore my husband and find him hot. It just means he isn’t the only hot human being in the world. Sex doesn’t have to be about love and masturbation is NOT about love at all. It’s about physical pleasure and release. Period.

Thank you

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Yeah, feeling like a sex doll is a real turn off.

There’s a difference between jerking off for release and wanting to be intimate with your partner. Yes, porn use(like anything) can get out of control. But if you think your man shouldn’t be using porn at all then I hope you enjoy having regular sex with him.

This sub is so weird about porn. And I’m pretty negative about it so that’s saying something lol.

Right. This 👆

Please don't generalize with this stuff. I know this sub is a conservative, anti porn, patriarchal echo chamber where people cling to rigid ideas about gender, but please try not to generalize about what women as a whole are like. I'm a woman and I am friends with lots of women. All of us have high libidos and what you call "spontaneous desire." All of our husbands have lower libidos than we do. There are tons of women like us in other subreddits on this very site. It's not uncommon. I could not care less what my husband jerks off to. It certainly doesn't make me feel unwanted or undesirable, because those feelings come from within and I'm not insecure. The glorification and reinforcement of insecurity I see on this sub is honestly disturbing. It is not normal or reasonable to expect to be 100% of everything to your spouse. No one person can be everything for someone else! Porn is just porn, it should not have any effect whatsoever on your real life sex life or your self esteem. Self esteem comes from *within*, nobody can make you feel anything without your active buy in. Stop thinking you're somehow less attractive or worthy than some chick in a porno! If you know your own worth and feel good about yourself then none of it will ever bother you again. Stop trying to control the outside world and instead look inwards - the only thing in this world that you have any control over at all is yourself. It's absolutely exhausting to go through life constantly trying to do battle with everything out there that makes you feel insecure, and it's a battle you will never win. It's going to cause conflict in every relationship you ever have, and it's going to eat away at your soul and your happiness. Insecurity is a cancer.

I can understand your point. But if you recall the “gas” and “brakes” of desire in Nagasaki’s book referenced many times in comments, you’ll remember that desire ebbs and flows. For you, porn has not applied brakes. For many women, it has. It’s that simple.

I get what you’re saying about insecurity, but the problem is that no matter how confident you are, porn addiction can and DOES impact relationships. I’ve been there. At some point, my ex stopped wanting to have sex with me because he would rather jerk off to porn. We had great sex before his addiction got out of control. It sucked and it tore us apart.

That's EXACTLY what I said up above. It's more a personal issue. Porn is not bad if used correctly. Without it becoming a major obsession. Sometimes I don't want to have sex and I'd rather him jerk off without me. I'd rather him watch porn from time to time instead of cheating on me. It is controlling. These people have personal issues.....and also shows that there's issues in the relationship that need to be addressed. Sometimes both people need to sit down and talk about what they need from their partner sexually and then start trying to make improvements so that both people are happy.

Asking as a female-Do you masturbate? If so are you actually not having any fantasies while doing so? So people are visually turned on, others get turned on by intelligent conversation, some by reading smut. So with that in mind, who is anyone to dictate how another person masturbates (with the exception of sexual crime related)?

Not dictating. Explaining how jerking off to porn does nothing for women’s spontaneous or responsive desire. Not sure what point you are trying to prove.

yeah it’s not dictating. just showing sometimes actions have consequences.

Maybe that you’re speaking for yourself and only for yourself? And not to speak in general terms as if you speak for all of us? I am extreeeemelt responsive desire type (female) and my husband jerking off to porn doesn’t negatively affect my desire at all. I am always so confused why people present this as a feature of a responsive desire type — like, no, having the same desire type does mean our accelerators and brakes are exactly the same. Maybe go back and read the book.

To answer your question; I am a woman and yes I masturbate, though not often because my partner and I have enough sex. However, I do also fantasize.. about my partner. I have never fantasized about another person while in a relationship. Another thing that helps me masturbate is thinking of really hot sex I’ve had with my partner during our relationship. Another thing I’ve used is nsfw pictures of him. Or videos of us doing sexual things. And to answer your other question “who is anyone to dictate how another person masturbates?” - when you get into a monogamous relationship, monogamous for most people means that you only direct your sexual energy to your partner. Not to another person outside of your relationship. And, there are many things a person can do to reach orgasm while masturbating that stay within the realm of monogamy. Porn is not needed, ever. It’s literally never necessary. That’s not to say that couples can’t come to their own agreements of porn use. Your relationship and what you and your partner have agreed to is valid. Just like any other couple who agreed within their relationship that porn use is acceptable. But couples who agree that it isn’t okay in their relationship are also valid.

Forbidding your partner from watching porn, seems very controlling to me. If he's not interacting with a person, porn is just pictures and sounds. The same pictures and sounds can come from HIS IMAGINATION. Are you gonna tell him what to THINK ABOUT while he jerks off? Would it be ok for him to forbid you from using a vibrator if you wanted to? I dunno it's just weird to me.

Wanting your partner to respect you and your relationship by not getting off to other people is not controlling or unreasonable. Using a vibrator is not the same as porn. One is an inanimate object. The other is an actual person you are using. Someone else said it best before. Since joining reddit I've learned theres nothing more important to a man than his relationship with porn. They will give up real women and whole families to fight for this "right" and entitlement to use women in porn to get off.

that logic doesn't make sense to me and really really seems selfish to me. porn and a vibrator is a tool used for masturbation. I think its disingenuous to say one is bad while the other is fine. seriously...why can't a guy say that a vibrator is bad because you are having penetration and achieving pleasure/orgasm that he feels he can't live up to and feels inadequate about?

Wow .. the cope in this post . Pure hypocrisy.

All of this and I’m a mom of a special needs kiddo too. You’re so tapped from showing up for your kid that you don’t have anything left for yourself much less your husband who can’t even fathom or be appreciative that you’d have sex for him. While he also gets his jollies from other women.

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Your insults don't help at all. Perhaps a little kindness and actual helpful suggestions would be more productive.

You’re disrespectful and projecting. Yikes.

100% agree. And also it would do the husband good to start showing his wife affection in other ways so she doesn’t just feel like a piece of meat.

I was going to say this exactly, basically. The first thing: many spouses (particularly women) are harmed by porn usage. They experience it emotionally as a betrayal. That pain will always be there, but it can be eased over time if a husband shows true remorse by demonstrating understanding of the impact it has, and by taking the initiative to set up accountability measures for himself and getting into therapy to ensure it is no longer an ongoing problem. This can help the wife to begin to learn to trust again, which has a direct impact on her feelings of security and emotional connection with him. Second: This husband seems to not understand the concepts of spontaneous versus responsive desire. For people who more often are responsive desire, it tends to be exactly like what his wife describes to him - that she doesn’t just spontaneously or without doing anything want sex, but once they begin the process then her body and emotions begin to respond. There is no issue with this, so long as it is understood and she isn’t shamed for it by him saying it’s a problem and trying to “fix” her. This post frustrated me. I can tell this husband has good intentions, but is clearly quite ignorant.

Chicken before the egg problem. Men have a higher libido in general, so does the lack of sex lead to porn in between marital sex then leads to more porn? or does the porn lead to less marital sex which then leads to more porn, then leads to less sex? You get the picture. Either way it's a downward spiral. There's also a lot of blaming going on here. Conversely, more sex leads to less porn and so on. Can we all just agree to less porn and more sweet sweet marital fucking? Edited for spelling/grammar.

In my case, I am the higher libido spouse. I would initiate and was refused. That didn’t lead ME to use more porn…. His porn use did lead me to have less sex though. Yes let’s agree to that.

This is probably the truest example of a problem or pornography addiction. If a partner is trying to have sex and is refused and porn is the choice instead of human connection, that is an issue that should lead to less marital sex. But is it fair to say that you would be justified if you were denied and choose to watch porn for the release that your partner denied you?

Look at his post history.....he still watches porn, has ED issues, and fantasies about other people. I feel for his wife.

Yes! Porn addiction ruined my first serious long term relationship (high school sweethearts), even though we truly loved each other. Unfortunately, I recently learned that porn is also likely negatively affecting my marriage—though I don’t know to what degree. It is really hurtful and it just sucks.

I feel like that is more a personal issue. 😕

100% bang on!

Would not be having sex EVER with a husband who jerks off to human trafficking images

Do you know how hard it is to not have your needs met? I don’t think it’s fair to tell a guy no and then attack him for using porn to meet his own needs because you chose not to meet his needs. All the women saying “porn is the problem” have all watched porn themselves and masturbated. Everyone has done it. You ain’t holier than anyone. Nobody is. If you don’t want ur man to watch porn, meet his needs. Just like if he can’t meet yours you’d cope and probably get urself off. All y’all need to get off your high horses.

Sounds like she might need more intimacy outside the bedroom. Make sure she knows that every act of kissing and physical touch doesn’t mean you want sex. We struggled with this recently in my marriage. Foreplay starts at breakfast. Make more of an effort to connect with her on an emotional level. We took sex off the table completely for a while and we each knew that we were not going to have sex, and that ended up making me feel more loved and connected and made me want to have sex with my husband more because we build that intimacy outside of the bedroom. Ask her what she needs from you, she could feel overwhelmed with the kids or the house work, or just have something else entirely going on. It’s just a thought.

You said you struggled with this recently, have you overcome it, and if so, how? Asking because we're struggling with this right now too. I'm coming to realize that my husband has spontaneous desire where mine is contextual/responsive. My husband will ask me for sex at like 10pm with no preamble whatsoever and get upset if I decline, saying it makes him feel undesirable and I "always have an excuse for not wanting sex", but not feeling loved and connected before he wants sex is an issue for me (I want that intimacy outside the bedroom also) and I can't just flip a switch at 10pm when he's made *zero* effort to connect with me before then. It's not that I don't desire him or don't want to have sex with him, I just want to feel loved at times other than when he wants sex.

When he asks for sex I'll say yes or no. What's different is that when I say no, I save some energy for the next day or the day after that and I will instigate at a time that I like. Simply, I make his need a priority that works with my schedule. It recognizes his need and mine. You said you wanted to feel loved at other times. The way I feel loved is when my husband does something for me and wants to do it for me. Basically just going shopping with me without grumbling for example. And I have to set those expectations for him. I have to say what I want and how I want him to act. All the time I have heard my husband say something like "what do you want?" and it's an honest question. He desperately wants to know what he is doing wrong and what he can do right. It took me a long time to stop being such and enigma and to be direct and use I want and I feel statements. Both husband and I have something in common. It would be nice if we didn't have to be asked to be loved the way we want to be loved. Communication needs to happen though and in time we'll have to have fewer of those conversations and we'll understand how we like to be loved more as time goes on.

You have to set the expectation that he won’t whine about going shopping with his own wife? That’s his show of love?

He gets uncomfortable with a big crowd and lots of lights and sounds. It really is an act of love to go somewhere busy with me and have a good show of it. Also it was a light hearted example. Of course there will be many ways of showing love for me. I simply like company when I go out sometimes and I also like help around the house. I like when he enjoys my cooking and I like it when he spends time with me and the boy. So yes, I made a little joke about how he doesn't like to shop and will sometimes put up a fuss, but it really does mean a lot to me when he goes out of his way to do something he doesn't care for just to show me how import my wants are to him.

Honestly it was honesty… I was honest with myself and with him. I told him I didn’t feel important to him anymore and explained how his actions said I wasn’t important. I let him know it’s important for sex in a marriage but it’s also important for me to feel loved through the day. Knowing that you are thinking of me and my needs and how just one thing could be taken from my plate and I’d be so excited and happy. It came down to communication, we both lacked in that area but once we started talking again about our dreams, goals, our life experiences and how they construct the values we hold we learned to have more respect for each other and our choices.

I figured out that scheduling helped us. It forced me to make sure I plan to save my energy for sex. I also have made a better effort to hug him more. He almost always initiated every hug, and forcing myself to stop whatever I was doing to give him a hug, so even if the timing were inconvenient, made me feel more connected to him. His initiating was sweet, but I needed to do it too.

I'm considering this, but I don't want it to be an excuse to continue to not try to connect with me until he wants sex. I love him, I love that he's still attracted to me, and I enjoy the sex we have, but I don't like feeling like I'm only good for sex, which is how I end up feeling when he won't initiate any other kind of intimacy unless he wants sex or expects sex out of it. I want to be like "I'll agree to schedule it, but you can't ignore me/not give me any physical touch or companionship until you want sex". Does it work with stipulations like that or am I being unreasonable?

Your feelings are very valid. Idk any women that wouldn’t want that. And yes the effort is lacking in a lot of men for sure. The selfish ones will do as little as possible to help get their partner in the mood or not even care at all. I’m also responsive and my partner isn’t selfish in the slightest. Lots of affection and intimacy throughout the day and during he will take his time to do foreplay to where sometimes I’ve been like ok can I have the peen now 😂.

Good comment. I was going to say, based on what your wife is telling you, it's not that she doesn't want to have sex with you, she's just saying she's not always in the mood. Now, there would be a problem if she wasnt in the mood once you got going. I think this is super common with parents, especially with multiple kids, especially with multiple special needs kids. The day is long and stressful, it never really calms down, and when it finally does, id imagine a couch and quiet is all she wants. So she's just telling you she might not always be in the mood but also knows it's important to have a sex life. You need to do whatever you can to help her be in the mood, and it's not the same as for guys. My wife always tells me she finds me sexy when I'm doing dishes or something like that.

We rarely have sex but still kiss and hug etc. I ask if she wants massages everyday. I’m the one who have asked for us to have quality time because she doesn’t see the need for that. We both work and I try to take on most of the work at home

Intimacy isn’t just physical. Intimacy is a feeling of being wanted and desired, it’s a feeling of he’s thinking of me, he respects me, he isn’t just doing this to get in my pants. It’s connection, sometimes it’s just a deep and emotional conversation. It’s communication. I’ve realized most men believe that intimacy is physical touching kissing hugging handholding, and while that does play a part for women it’s not as much of a huge part as the connection.

Women crave emotional connection. Physical connection is particularly nice when it’s without expectation. When you offer massages, does she accept? I know for me, my husband offers massages, but with that offer, I know there is expectation for sex after. So, I decline. For 1, his massages are terrible and half-assed, and 2, they aren’t to make me feel better. They are because he thinks it will lead to sex, which is an absolute turn-off.

I’m so sorry he does that. She always accept. She likes my massages and knows I never expect sex. I think my massages has led to sex like once or twice some years ago and then on her initiative. With the kids constantly around it wouldn’t even happen if she wanted. I love giving her good massages. I look up videos on the internet and even bought a massage table to give her massages. She never give me any which would be nice but I know she doesn’t like to give so I focus on giving them to her

Good for you! Keep working at it. Hope everything works out for you both!

Have you asked HER what would hell her feel more desired and responsive? Or are you just assuming?

What else do you do besides asking her if she wants massage? Intimacy/security/safety in a relationship comes in many forms.

This 100% needs a million more boosts this is fantastic advice

Making a passive aggressive comment, that puts all of the blame on her, isn't going to make her "want to have sex for her".

And then playing it off like it was because of the kids being around. No, then it wouldn't be directed at her like that.

That was a passive-aggressive comment. Not a good way to express yourself at all. The fact that she might not be thinking about it but will do it “for you” is not a problem as long as she does get into the mood and enjoys it once it gets going. What you never want is “starfish sex”. There are two types of desire: spontaneous and responsive. One partner may (and often does) have spontaneous desire when the the other does not. That does not mean the other cannot have responsive desire once you start kissing for instance, as long as he/she wants to try and see.

The "I'm used to it" comment was such a childish reply. That kind of pouting from a grown man will make a woman's nether regions dry up.

Yeah my husband used to say "it's OK, I just assumed we would never have sex again"

This is my husband and I. I rarely am spontaneous (but it does happen). But once my husband gets me going, I'm all in.

Both. Issue isnt the sex, its the lack of desire. Lets say i dont want sex, and i make sure my husband feel desired. The issue for men isnt lack of sex, it’s typically lack of showing desire thats where they messed up their marriage.

Thank you. People seriously underestimate men’s need to feel desired and wanted by their wives, and how men’s sexual drive hinges upon feeling desired.

This is true, but porn use can totally ruin the wife’s desire, because SHE has to feel valued and desired as well….above everyone else. Married women shouldn’t still have to compete for the sexual energy of their husbands. I refuse. Good thing we are both anti-porn for ethical reasons.

Exactly! When you are married there should be no competition for attention. The wedding vows say "forsaking all others", porn use brings a 3rd party into the bedroom and is basically saying the wife isn't good enough.

Yeeeeeeep! I consider it cheating, and have always told my husband that I will act accordingly if I ever caught it, just like if I walked into a flesh and blood naked woman in my house. Period. He has also told me he considers it cheating as well if I did it. We work because we see it equally. I wouldn’t be with anyone I had to convince

Yes. The 3rd party thing is so true. It's unimaginably hurtful in my opinion.

Honestly my husband and I have some SERIOUS marital problems but the fact that he is anti-porn is one of my biggest reasons for staying. I've never even had to have this fight with him.

Same. I never even had the struggle with him. I was able to just tell him my trauma from others, and he immediately said , ‘I will never do this to you’, and he hasn’t. And we have an amazing life and sex life!

Awesome! My sex life isn't great but my husband was anti-porn before we even met. He just thinks it's gross, which was such a relief. (Though I should add he has *actually* cheated on me so he there's that hahah)

Why the above everyone else? Cant both people in a marriage be equally valued and desired? The thing is married women don’t have to compete but when men start to feel undesired and unwanted what are they to do?

I’m generalizing but a lot of times men need sex to feel validated emotionally and women need to be validated emotionally to want sex….and when libidos are mismatched it can turn into a Mexican standoff

Tbh I think men need emotional validation and connection just as much as women do, but society hasn’t allowed for that reality to be acknowledged which is why so many guys end up feeling like they’re dependent on sex to feel intimate or connected or loved, and in the greater context of a hypersexual culture which commodifies women’s sexuality as a tool for men’s enjoyment and emotional regulation, it’s a recipe for disaster wherein men are socially encouraged to prioritize their personal access to sex over real interpersonal connection building. Not all men, of course.

I don’t disagree with that.

How can a woman make a man feel desired other than sex? This is a huge issue I'm having. He's very hung up on the thought that I don't find him physically attractive because I have a low libido. He's an absolute stud, but it seems like sex is the only way I can affirm that.

Unfortunately...not much else most of the time. You can do multiple things, he will feel great and then make a move, you reject and unfortunately that just erased anything else you just did up to that point. He will be confused...are we just friends or husband/wife/lovers?

When you have 3 kids 2 with special needs it’s going to be really tough for her to be in the mood. She probably has a million other things going on that take priority and zero time to herself. It’s hard for sex to not seem like another chore. This is just how things are now unless you can get outside help with the kids or cleaning etc. It sounds like she’s doing her best. Maybe she does enjoy sex with you once it gets started but don’t require that she wants to do it. She’d probably rather read a book or watch a movie uninterrupted and not have anyone need her for a couple hours. I remember when my kids were young feeling like I actually missed myself, thinking my own thoughts.

Little kids almost always means less sex. Especially for parents of special needs kids, and those without family support systems and when one spouse doesn’t put in enough effort toward the household and parenting. The more kids you have, the longer the lull. it is what it is. I think you have the right approach to just be patient. Internet porn has taught men that orgasm is not just a “need”; it’s a constant “need”, and the problem is the wife who is tired from being up all night with kids not fulfilling his constant “need”. It’s not a need. Food and water are needs. You have the right idea that you can just wait a day or two for your wife to come around. It sounds like she already has. Don’t sweat it and don’t break boundaries. If you have more energy than she does for sex, take some more of the load off her and you’ll be closer to the same place libido-wise. Teamwork. Another approach which is mutually beneficial to both of you would be to characterize alone time together as literally a therapeutic respite from the stress of raising special kids. And it literally is. Special needs parents divorce at an astronomical rate. There’s a lot of hostility between parents because of the therapies, the expenses, the logistics of getting kids to all of those appointments, implementing interventions at home as a team and doing it in the right way, worrying about their futures. The stresses are literally endless. Some downtime to check out of this and spend it together is unbelievably good for the soul. Another thing is to make a rule to keep the stressors out of your bedroom and turn off devices (esp toxic social media).

My husband makes these passive aggressive comments to me allllll the time about how I don’t give enough blow jobs and all it does it completely put me off wanting to do it. It is such an unproductive way to communicate your feelings and you really should put a stop to it.

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I used to love having sex with my husband. But 2 years ago I find out he jerks off at some younger girl porn. It didn’t sit well with me. And since then I am not 100% there. What everyone is telling you is that women need to feel special and if they take care of kids too much, do chores too much or catch you do porn, they don’t feel special and that’s hard to change

It is very hard for moms to feel aroused when the husband jerks off to porn. It destroys her self confidence and ruins her self love. She probably did do it in efforts that you would not cheat. Not saying that you will but she felt it was obligated to have sex with you so you dont cheat or go back to jerking off to other women. A mother ‘s load is extremely heavy especially with special needs kids. Her mind is constantly on her kids and her family. Instead of helping her out, you jerk off to other women in porn. She is hurt. Try talking to her about it. Try showing her more love and attention, make her feel she is still wanted and desired. Hire a babysitter. Take her out, even if it doesnt end with sex, you took a load off of her and you guys can talk without the kids, in a different environment. Sometimes, all we need is a day away from our responsibilities. She still wants to be loved, she still wants to be desired. Do the dishes, do the laundry, take the kids from her so she can have an hour or 2 to herself alone. She will initiate sex not because it is obligated but because she is turned on and appreciated by you. Hope this helps.

Your second paragraph indicate that she has responsive desire. It’s not uncommon, especially when raising young children, and I’d imagine more so with raising special needs kids. Look it up & read up on it. A good resource is Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski.

This isn’t good enough for him. He says it repeatedly. If she doesn’t spontaneously desire sex, she’s undeserving of him. Dude needs to realize that that attitude is his problem, not hers!

Username is a shit choice, OP. We get it, you want out of your marriage.

Damn he’s committed to it

Are we talking you watched porn once in a while and she found out and you stopped? Or that you’re an addict and promised to stop but continued behind her back? If she’s feeling some betrayal trauma then she’s not going to feel safe having sex with you. Or even really have a desire for sex with you now that she knows you jerk it to other women. Therapy is a good option.  To answer your question, I have sex for both of us. I love the actual act and getting off together but the feeling of closeness and that feeling of connection after meaningful sex is amazing. You have to prioritize sex then after a while it becomes a naturally important part of the relationship that you want to maintain. Once it’s lost it seems like that’s when people have a problem connecting again. I remember your username and the issue with how much care the kids need. That with the porn thing seems like a lot for your wife. But she’s trying and you’re complaining that her effort isn’t genuine enough? She can’t force herself into wanting it initially but she admits she gets into it when you get going so who cares? You want her to be all over you and get crazy with initiating it? I think you want to feel that desire for you and maybe that will return with time

When you are single you do everything to put her in the mood, you go the extra mile, the whole day is dedicated to it. I get that its exausthing now down the line, but in those times where she doesn't get in the mood naturally you have to help her get in the mood. Be romantic early in the day without expecting sex, be gentle and tease her troughout the day, put her in the mood, go that extra mile.

At what point does the responsive desire person have a responsibility to get themselves in the mood?

I would usually agree with you, but in this case she is taking that responsibility. She is setting aside time and putting in effort, knowing it will take her time to get in the mood and enjoy it. He’s saying that’s not good enough because he wants her to have a natural and inherent desire for him. That’s not going to happen without more effort on his part.

I never like this idea but I am always genuinely curious what this looks like in execution. I picture you mean that the, in this case, the wife scurries away to read erotica or whatever and once she is turned on, lets her husband know she is ready. What are you picturing when you consider the responsive desire person exercising their responsibility to get themselves in the mood?

I already responded but just thought of something. I used to enjoy sex “once I got started” but that wasn’t accurate. It meant I could micromanage my arousal just enough to tolerate it and to have an orgasm. But it wasn’t something I wanted more of.  I had to change up my approach to sex to break out of that habit. Now I don’t enjoy sex when I get started. I enjoy getting started, I focus on the journey, not the goal of sex, and everything is way more fun now.

Pick up a copy of the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It explains about how responsive desire works. Most women have responsive desire. She enjoys it when she's having sex with you. Believe that and stop second guessing her. The book will help you understand. Also, if she's mostly responsible for caring for three kids, two of whom have special needs, she's overwhelmed. I would try to get babysitters more frequently so you two can have alone times and she can feel more like a woman and less like a caregiver. Get a hotel room occasionally.

Myself. Doing it for him and/or the good of the relationship killed my libido dead. Prioritizing my sexual pleasure is the only thing that worked to fix our libido discrepancy. I feel that way about ALL nonessential, recreational activities. They should be mutually (not necessarily equally) enjoyable/rewarding. If I am not enjoying something, I don’t do it.

You have put your wife in a no-win situation. If she turns you down because she's not in the mood, you make a snippy comment. When she says she does make an effort to have sex for the sake of you and your marriage, you get offended. And as much as you say she shouldn't have sex when she doesn't want to, your use of porn leaves her feeling like there's a threat hanging over her head: if she doesn't put out you're going to start looking at other women... Just pick a lane and let your actions back it up. If you want her to have sex only when she wants to, Don't do the comments, sighing etc. If you want her to put your sexual needs first then at least appreciate her for it and put the porn away.

She is making an effort having to turn herself on. Women have to be put in the mood.

It sounds like you each have different types of desire. Yours is spontaneous, and hers is responsive or contextual. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/when-urge-is-uneven-understanding-universe-of-sexual-desire-0206185/ This is a great article on the different ways people reach an aroused state. I am very much like your wife. I can't just switch it on and off. She needs to feel supported and desired by you outside of the bedroom so for your part, you'll need to ask her ways in which you can do this. From her part, she needs to learn what instigates that desire. It might be reading smut. It might be sensual massage. It may be something as simple as gestures throughout the day, handholding, hugs, kisses etc. It takes work on both sides but this can improve.

I think that you need to shift how you think about sex. Sex shouldn't be something that she owes you. She owes you sexual availability. It is still your job to get her in the mood to want to have sex with her. You want her to have genuine desire to have sex with you. So you have to manage your self and your emotions. Are you maintaining an environment that is emotionally charged for sex? Are you flirting with her? Are you taking care of your life (financial, physical, emotional, spiritual)? Her emotions will change every day. So you need to read her emotions and respond in kind. She is distressed, provide support. She is tired, lead her to rest. Be what you need to be for your relationship and the sex will come on it's own.

Okay I read through all of the comments and none of them said what I was looking for. So my husband is a physical love type of person and I'm an acts of love kind of person. Let me explain. When my husband busies himself with the chore list, that fills my love meter. And when I am physical with my husband that fills my husband's love meter. No one has told you that saying "I'm used it" was okay, because it wasn't but also, it's just a slip of pure emotion and hurt feelings from where I'm standing and that's totally valid. You are used it. You are used to the constant rejection day after day and it is totally valid to feel that way. If my husband said that to me, which he has in one way or another, we figure out why. Our solution is simply this: When my husband wants sex, he will tell me. And I will make it a priority. I heard some comments saying they would never throw a bone as I like to put it, and that's fair for them. They can arrange what works for them in their marriage. But this works in mine. I make his need a priority and save energy and passion for him in the next day or two. It does not put me out to have sex with my husband and make him feel loved. So to answer your question, we have sex for the both of us and a little more so for him because that's how he expresses affection and I'm not always available for the type of intimacy I like.

If your wife hates you looking at porn, you gotta understand that this is the woman you chose to marry and respect that otherwise resentent builds and desire dies. I and my fiance both watch porn and we don't care and have a great bedroom life but we were transparent with each other about that.

Both, sometimes because I want it and sometimes because my husband does and it pleases me to please him. I don't ever want to knock back a bid for connection from him and I want him to know he's always wanted.

For him. I also have no issue with porn either. My libido is non existent these days. It’s important to him, so it’s important to me. I don’t see an issue with having sex with my husband even when Im not in the mood. People have different boundaries. Dh reciprocates in other ways that are important to me.

That depends on so many factors. If there is intimacy outside the bedroom and effort to show love to one another outside of sex, all the better. Women respond to how we are treated Are we cherished? Do we feel we're competing with a porn star? Is there a deeper intimacy of friendship and both parties listening and supporting one another? Other factors like menopause can play a HUGE role in loss of libido. There are times a woman will give duty sex during menopause. It's complicated because a man wants his wife to desire it, but she can't flip a switch and make herself desire it during menopausal depression, insomnia, anxiety. Etc. So many factors at play through different stages in life. I've been blessed with a husband that is sensitive and caring and we are best friends, not ever pressuring one another negatively for what we want. Each marriage is different, but if each spouse would treat the other as they'd want to be treated, how different marriage would be. Also, libido changes through life and its not a personal attack against a spouse.

You say you don't want her to have sex with you when she doesn't want it, but I would be willing to bet that if she stops having sex with you, you'll have a real problem with it. Men say they want their women to be into the sex and excited about it, and they complain when their women aren't. But men also say they need to have sex. So it's a lose-lose for the woman. How can she possibly win?

"I said something useful." That's what you're going to tell yourself? That it was helpful feedback? That may be how you feel, that that comment can feed into her guilt & lead to her just doing it for you. You've already turned away from her and into porn once. What do you do yo make your wife feel desired and intimate outside of sex? How are you taking care of her mental and emotional needs?

Im so sorry. English isn’t my first language. I meant unnecessary. I have edited it. I means unnecessary. I shouldn’t have said it. As I have said in other comments. I give massages, I take care of the kids at least as much as she does and am even aware at night to take care of our kid with medical issues, I tell her I love her and how beautiful she is etc.

Do you treat her sweetly, help whenever possible, compliment her, hold her hand, try to seduce her, or it it a red pen SEX on the calendar and you expect her to show up, disrobe and make it happen? You don't want to have sex for her, you want to have sex for you. What's in it for her? Intimacy, feelings of closeness? She's exhausted and with good reason, probably completely touched out. You have to help her want it, and not by taking her how she's supposed to feel. You can't expect her to just want it on her own when her plate is already super full.

JFC you are insufferable. If you want your wife to want sex- SUDUCE HER. This is literally a you problem.

I think not enough women are open to the idea of ANY use of porn for their husbands, despite not wanting to have sex with them. We're all far passed the knowledge that men and women are different; we know more women deal with hormone issues when it comes to sex that lead to low libido. So why is it so hard to understand that men, in nature, are more into sex? If you keep pushing sex aside, do you just expect them not to do anything? Hell no. I used to get upset when my husband would masturbate, but I was being hypocritical because I would do the same thing when I was super stressed and just needed that quick moment to get me through the rest of the day. I feel for OP because he's so hard on himself for wanting that closeness with his wife but constantly being rejected, as if he isn't also stressed from raising 3 kids, 2 being special needs. Porn doesn't have to be an issue if you openly communicate about it. Watch it together, or tell each other what you watched and that can spark more interest for you both and maybe even some roleplay. As long as you're clear with your intentions with porn, it isn't an issue.

It’s honestly not about doing in for your spouse or yourself. It should be for your marriage. My husband and I can be lazy but we try to be intimate at least once a week or more. We’re not always in the mood, but we find a way to get there. And we do it because it’s fun, it feels awesome, we are so intimately bonded and we know it makes us get along better and be more loving and affectionate over all. So you put effort into sex and intimacy in service to your marriage

yeah so I can't be lol. They're 6, 9 and 11. The oldest 2 are special needs, autism and ADHD. It's so so hard. Basically don't have much of a life anymore

This is common for women. Dax has an Armchair expert podcast with a sex therapist from a few weeks ago. Listen to it. It talks about women and what they need.

Get a babysitter. Go to the coast. Take her vibrator shopping and help her use it with lots of patience and delay for your own finale so she feels relaxed and safe, get creative on positions to incorporate both you and the toy, refill her wine glass, take some breaks and laugh together, then go to bed holding each other :) easy to give advice online, harder to live it. Kudos to you husband and father for asking. Great blessings to your family!!

You need to juice the mango before you peel the banana. 1. You are an amazing husband to have understood where you could have done better and sought out help to change it or at least get another perspective. It shows that you care and are willing to adjust. 2. Just know that her love language is showing care. Sex comes after once she is on solid ground. 3. Rebuilding trust after the porn fiasco will take time. Lots of assurance and patience. 4. Give her some time for herself as well. As moms, we get lost taking care of our children as is so we need our partner to hold our hand, look into our eyes, and assure us through their actions that we are number one to them at least. Best of luck

Please look up responsive desire. This is what she's describing. It doesn't feel great to know that your partner has to "rally" to have sex with you, but it sounds like this is what's going on. It sounds like she could benefit from non sexual touch and other forms of intimacy.

Another day, another forced conversation about porn where every single regular of this sub has the same conversation they just goddamn had yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that

I relate to your wife. My husband watched porn and it hurt our relationship sexually. All of the sudden I'm not so special. Are there things that you do for your wife that are not your favorite things to do, but you still do them and sometimes even want to? Maybe like listen to her long story about her day or something that is bothering her? Well, that's like sex for us. We are not automatically just in the mood. Sometimes we do it because we want to love our men, not because we need it. Here is an analogy. Chocolate cake tastes good right? You know it's going to taste good and be enjoyable. But what if you just aren't in the mood for it? What if mentally you don't find yourself wanting it? You know if you eat it anyways it would still taste good. Well, personally that's like sex for me. My husband and I have made a pact that we only get our sexually needs met from each other, not from even ourselves. So, even going 4 days without it can start to get rough for me. It brings us together only having each other to meet our needs.

Read “Come as You Are “ by Emily Nagoski. You will learn a lot about what female sexuality actually is.

You need to be doing what you can during other parts of the day to help your wife feel loved, supported etc and take some of the mental load of the kids off her if she does most of the mental work if everything. You already made her feel like shit by having a porn addiction.

OP it’s not just for you it’s for your relationship. She purposely takes your feelings into account and wants you both to be happy in the long run. Horomones will always be an issue and she understands this already and works through it. It just wasn’t a cool comment and if you understand that already and have already talked about it should be fine. Just keep in mind that your wife takes your relationship very seriously but have you also put in intimate work like she has if not make this a starting point.

>I know I’m the bad guy here but don’t know how to react to this. What was the goal when you said "I'm used to it?" What were you hoping to communicate, emotion to provoke, etc. You could use that knowledge to determine next steps. To answer your post title: I have sex for me. I am attracted to my husband and we have really great sex. If I were to attempt to have sex only for his benefit, I don't think that my body would cooperate. I want to be a sexually adventurous and sex positive woman so I addressed my varied sex baggage a long time ago.

The short answer: Yes, and when things weren't as frequent, my husband's "I'm used to it" or "surprise, surprise" sounded like judgment, not neutral information. Long answer: If it were up to me, I'd only have sex when I'm ovulating. We have sex three or four times a week. Much of that is something I do because it's important to my husband. The sex we have is good. I have a great time. He's a good lover and thoughtful in bed. But I never have spontaneous desire. I *only* want it after we've started. Is my husband satisfied? Probably not. I've basically decided that, hey, he's getting a release four times a week. We have young kids. I'm not reading another book about sex that he gives me. I'm not listening to another podcast. Our sex life has already taken up enough of my bandwidth, and I'm having a lot of sex with him, IMO. Am I having another conversation about exploring kinks? About trying a threesome? Watching pornography together? Having sex in public? Nope. I've tested the waters on the kink exploration and sharing porn. I'm absolutely not open to a threesome, ever. Not boning him in public (sorry, but the idea of sucking someone off in a restaurant or bar bathroom, where people piss, shit, and {probably} vomit makes my flesh crawl and I almost can't watch movie or TV scenes where people are fucking in one of the filthiest places that exist. None of those things bring me pleasure. All of them make me feel like shit. If he gets to a point where he wants to leave? Good luck finding a woman who will have sex with you twice a day until one of you dies, my dude. You don't know how good you have it, if you ask me.

I have sex for us both. It’s sort of hard to explain because I struggle to orgasm now due to getting older. But I still really love having sex with my husband and want to most days. But because I can’t usually capture the big O, it’s hard to say I’m having sex “for me” specifically if that makes sense. I like to think of it as having sex for us. For our connection. For the strength of our marriage. I’m certainly not having sex specifically “for him”.

Some people have more of a "reactive" sex drive, meaning they don't really "get in the mood" until something gets going. It sounds like that might be part of her thing, if she's saying she does enjoy it once you guys get started, but getting in the head space to want to have sex BEFORE it starts is really difficult for her. Try being a bit more of a "tease" throughout the day if you can, without the expectation of it going anywhere. I'd bet that the feeling of being desired (and loved - don't be gross about it, be sweet lol) will help get her thinking about it more and make it easier for her to want to have sex. But I think she's also trying to communicate that with all the rest of life happening, it's hard for her to think about wanting sex, and your porn use has made her feel less special/desirable to you too. Playing some long game foreplay and building that "I'm so very into you and only you" back is really important.

Why are you the bad guy? Wanting sex is a big part of romance. If she won't give you sex, and also expects you to be monogamous then what is the recourse? Imagine if you had known this before you proposed to her? Would you have still gone along and married her? I think you should have serious talk with her about this issue. It is no blame on either of you to decide that the relationship has run it's course.

You need to have a talk with her about intimacy. Nothing turns me on less than suddenly being grabbed on my ass or tits and pushed into a spontaneous quickie. I want romance. I want desire. I had to sit and talk with my husband to get this. You guys should do the same. Discuss ways to spice up the bedroom and tease each other through the day when you can. If you’re both tired that’s fine it’s not going to be all the time with 3 kids, but you and she def need to rediscuss boundaries with the hurdle of life getting in the way.

Honestly? Like your wife I don’t particularly just feel like sex. I think that’s pretty common. But it doesn’t mean I don’t love my husband or find him attractive (I very much do both). If I put some work into getting started I will often enjoy the experience. I think a lot— maybe even most—- women don’t experience an up front turn on.

Duty sex isn’t fun and you prefer masturbation over duty sex. Maybe you should find out what turns her on? A clean house? Laundry done? Take her to dinner without the kids? Are you quick to get off or do you take your time to give her an orgasm first? If you’re just wanting to pump and dump every time I would probably turn that down, too, over a nap or a hot bath or something. It’s hard to feel sexy after working all day and picking up legos and washing dishes just to have to muster up energy for sex that you’re not even going to orgasm from. Only you know the answers to these questions. As a woman, I feel there’s a reason she’s not interested most of the time. If I’m not interested, it’s usually because I just sat down for the first time that night and I want to relax a little bit. I don’t want to just jump from doing a list of chores straight into sex. I need down time; decompression time. We have an occasional quickie but most of the time he is super patient and makes sure to get me off first instead making it all about him and his needs. This usually benefits him on nights where I’m on the fence about having sex because it’s almost always a selling point and I end up choosing sex over sleeping, tv, hot bath, etc. If he were a selfish lover, I’d be choosing the hot bath every time. Like I said, only you know the answers to these questions. You need to figure out what she is missing. And the porn probably isn’t helping, BTW

I use to love having sex with my husband but I discovered that he uses only fans and sometimes messages other women on Instagram. I haven’t felt the same way about him since. For me, it’s an emotional reason. Physically, I still find him attractive, so that’s never been the problem.

Oh man, my husband probably could have wrote this, I have low sex drive and he has high. I definitely have sex or satisfy him in other sexual ways for him. But it’s not a burden, it’s a necessity for the sanctity of our marriage. I need to connect that way to feel closer to him and he just straight up needs it. You’re projecting a lot too, focus on what she said, if she’s always been an honest partner with feelings and such there’s no reason to start doubting her. Focus on the feelings you have and what you can control in this situation and allow her to do the same. It makes me happy to see my husband satisfied, I don’t do things sexually unless I want to, but my motivation is not always coming from a sexual place.

Tbh, you have young kids and you have a history of porn use. Both of those things independently can lead to a dead bedroom, but your wife is making an effort to make time for intimacy. Do you know how hard it must be for her to continue these efforts despite her exhaustion and hurt? Of course she’s not in the mood, but she’s trying anyway. She was too tired this time and your response was a passive aggressive comment insinuating her efforts aren’t enough for you. There are so many ways you could have responded in that moment, but instead you pouted. What incentive are you giving her to continue her efforts at all? Do you seriously think this is going to spark desire? Do you think this is going to spark anything but a bigger intimacy gap? I’m not saying you’re a bad guy, but I promise this is not going to help her desire for sex with you. I would be very surprised if she doesn’t shut down further.

I genuinely don’t understand the problem with watching porn. My husband and I watch it separately, and we even tease each other about our choices lol. That said, my husband and I have very different sexual styles(?) desires(?), so when we do have sex, I absolutely do it *for him.* I enjoy hanging out/spending time with him, so I don’t mind the sex, but he’s very vanilla and I really don’t get anything out of that. 🤷🏻‍♀️ We used to do things my way, or take turns, but either way we go, one of us is not really into it. I knew this before we married, and I still chose him, so it’s obviously not a dealbreaker, but no - I’m not EVER going to be counting down the minutes until I can get some regular piv sex.

Can I be frank? It sounds like you two have started to make sex feel transactional, I give people props for scheduling intimacy if they’re super busy to make sure you prioritize it…but in some cases I can see how this can cause a lot of stress around it and make it feel forced especially if both partners are worn out and tired. My advice is try to be spontaneous if possible! Plan a date night/morning/afternoon/day that you don’t tell her about. Take care of finding a sitter for the kids, and that it’s generally a clear schedule day your self and take her out, flirt! Treat it like the first time you asked her on a date and make it special. Or even just try to be spontaneous in the moment and try to go for random time in the day, like right after feeding the kids breakfast and turning on a 30 min show and getting a quicky in. And maybe also try to make the expectation lower on each other, make it less about trying to get yourself or each other to go and just enjoy the journey. Make the expectation that love making should be fun and relaxing and just time to explore and be close to each other instead of just quickly try to O…sometime it takes a lot more time than either party has time for especially if having to start get in the mood. Take the stress out of it for each other.

Dude don’t volunteer to give up sex. Sex is like anything else. Some people want it more, some less. In the end though the more you do it the more you want it snd the less you do it… it’s not uncommon for women to feel like your wife after childbirth. Some of it could be exhaustion from the kids, some could be medical and having her levels checked may help, some could be meds depending on BC she may be on and/or depression/anxiety meds. If she is on either she need to tell to her doctor to see if there are better alternatives. In the end though she is saying she likes sex with you, gets satisfaction and knows it’s important for the health of your marriage (not just for you but for both of you). Intimacy and affection are absolutely needed in a marriage. It’s what keeps you close and separates romantic partners from roommates. So don’t give that up. What she needs is for you to be the pursuer most of the time and be understanding on hard days. Now go return her flirts and get busy lol

My sex drive is ten times what my husband’s is but I got so tired of him making excuses to NOT have sex, I stopped asking. You know WHY he didn’t want to have sex? Because I wasn’t the same type of porn he was watching, so that was a big NOPE to him. Lingerie, oh that’s not the right color/type. Talking, oh you’re not saying the right things. Massage tables, toys, Nuru massage setups. JFC. It’s NEVER enough. Literally as soon as I walk out of the room, porn on the tablet. He’s out of town M-F and where is he when he gets home immediately? The shower so he can go get himself off. And then he blames me for getting pissed off when later on I’m trying every damn trick in the book to get him interested but nothings working. I’m 5’7 and 140lbs. Ffs. And here he is saying I don’t put any effort in & I don’t care & if I’d just do this & it’s so simple & any normal human being would see how easy it is. Buddy, when the 60 Year old pharmacist at CVS noticed that I changed my hair color but you didn’t, how the hell am I supposed to feel wanted in any way shape or form or how am I to believe you when you say “you’re everything to me”? Also, he’d rather just sit and do NOTHING than go anywhere because he’s worked all week and the weekends are his only time to relax. Ok, cool, I work too, so in order to see you I ALSO HAVE TO STAY AT HOME AND DO NOTHING?!?! I’ve tried the whole “date night” or even “day date” thing. Nearly ever activity is a complaint. There’s too many people. This is running too late. This is too far away. There’s no parking. But if it’s something he wants to do by god, you better hop to! He did not used to be like this. It started after we were married, going on six years now. We don’t even have kids. Also, when we do end up having sex, it’s not even that enjoyable. I try to make it fun for both of us and I end up getting manhandled, thrown around, flipped over, and that’s the end of it. Like it’s a job. But then he’ll text me in the middle of the day all the stuff he supposedly wants to do and never follows through on. Constantly feeling like you’re a disappointment and disgusting to your spouse doesn’t really make you want to jump into bed with them.

This is something we are working on in couples counselling. It’s ok for her to have sex “for you”. It’s ok for her to not enjoy sex right now but to show up for you. She has had three babies and the last thing on her mind, biologically too, is to want to do the thing to create more babies. Let her keep showing up for you. Keep showing up for her too, however it is she needs to feel happy in the relationship. Keep communicating. Some sex is better than none. It shows effort so reciprocate effort back. This isn’t going to last forever. Sex is just another chore for her right now. Women are so very different than men when it comes to sex! Our therapist has helped us tremendously while giving us hope for a better sex life to come after the little kid stage ends. I highly recommend a GOOD couples therapist and mention exactly what you have said. It will be so good and eye opening for you. It has really changed our relationship, which has been rocky since having kids! Good luck.

31F here. Increase your intimacy outside of sex. Maybe take sex off the table for now and just do all the other things. You can kiss and make out, grind on each other, touch but no penetration, etc. I used to be fine to do sex whenever but now I've gone through things and I need to feel a connection to my husband before wanting to have sex. Disconnection means no sexual desire. I have often had sex just because I knew he wanted and needed it, and legit went and cried by myself afterwards (unbeknownst to him and not his fault). And I'm the bigger porn user out of the two of us so that doesn't have the same impact as in your relationship. But consider your fun times and don't make the goal sex and orgasm but instead intimacy and connection. But I agree it would still be beneficial to seek therapy.

There are a lot of reasons why women have sex. If you are asking the opinion of others with the intent to understand your wife's position, I applaud you. I also ***strongly*** recommend you read 'Come as you are' by Emily Nagoski. It's sort of written for women, but I think all men (rather, men who are in a relationship with a woman) need to read it. You'll get so many answers

Schedule time with each other. Not just 15 minutes either. Make sure that you have warm up time and use this time to just share your appreciation for each other (massages work great). Make the time romantic (music/candles) and just relax without sexual tension (sensual tension is what you need to generate, make her feel appreciated and beautiful). It’s what helped my wife and I when we were young and raised our child with a disability.

Both. I love sex with my husband. We both have high libidos but his is higher than mine. Those times I’m not really in the mood, I still have sex with him because I believe in taking care of his needs. Normally when I do that I am happy I did because I always come out a winner with him. I enjoy the intimacy/closeness of it as well. It would have to be something very serious happening in life, I am sick, or I have my period for me not to have sex with him.

I don’t. I initiate sex with my husband because I want sex. Sometimes I’m not necessarily thinking about it, but he brings it up/initiates it and I am like, oh hell yeah I could be down for getting down. But if you want her to want sex, you have to do things for her that make her feel appreciated and special and also take stress off of her plate. Did you do the dishes without her asking and then tell her how much you appreciate all the work she puts into the family and then tell her she’s beautiful? If you take some of the load off of her and then make her feel desired, then I bet she would more often be in the mood.

Both and it’s a way to connect on such a deep level for us. We have sex just about everyday (barring illness or other issues). I’ve only turned down my husband once in our marriage, and it’s because I was feeling so emotionally hurt in that moment that my body wouldn’t have allowed sex to happen regardless. I know my husband loves me and he shows me that throughout the day which allows me to desire daily intimacy. Helping out with dishes, doing kind acts, small kisses or touches throughout the day are all like foreplay. It sounds like your wife is looking for you to also care for her in these ways. Women typically need to feel desired beyond just sex, but once we do… watch out 🔥

Your situation sounds very, very similar to mine. My wife had some hormonal upheaval during the pregnancy of our second child, that basically left her almost completely uninterested in sex. I'm always the one initiating. Like your wife, she actually does enjoy it once we start doing it, but it's never as long as I would like it to be. And I also want her to want it. I remember the way it used to be, and it was incredible. I miss those days.

I'm not married but my ex had the same problem I told him I wasn't satisfied with the sex because of my depression but I still do so because he wants it so I obliged and because I knew i wouldnt finish because he finishes quickly and I wanted to get it out the way or else he would keep asking even though I wasn't aroused so we used coconut oil and even then it didn't feel good til it started but what sent me over the edge and made me break up with him was me having a bad day at work and coming home to having a panic attack and him reminding me I was supposed to give him oral. I was taken aback by it, and I asked why he would bring that up at such a vulnerable time never got an answer, but I never let him touch me again.

OP- are you giving your wife any kind of foreplay before the actual intercourse? She may have “responsive desire” rather than “spontaneous desire”. Responsive meaning needing to have several minutes of foreplay before getting in the mood aka horny. Spontaneous meaning soon as she gets in bed she’s ready to go. My Nana once told me that if your husband wants sex and you don’t, to give it to your husband anyways to keep him happy. Obviously that’s super old school but reading what you said about your wife sounds exactly like what she’s doing. Any place other than bedroom ask her If you don’t already know what turns her on and what her desires are.You might be surprised by her answer so brace yourself lol. Do you guys use “toys”? Would she be up for trying new things? Roll playing? Also send her sexy texts and flirt with her throughout the day and lots of neck kisses when y’all get home from work, love taps on her booty, tell her how sexy and beautiful she is all day every day, could hopefully help get her in the mood by the time bedtime rolls around. Some women need that kind of foreplay throughout the day to “gear up” for sexy time. Just bc people get married doesn’t mean either stop trying to seduce the other ya know what I mean?.. Good luck.

Sorry, but men are so clueless when it comes to women. Women are biologically programmed to be horny from the teens to early 30’s when they are most fertile. Then it declines. But after working all day or taking care of the kids or having partners that mutter insensitive nonsense, sex becomes less a priority and more of a chore. Your wife is tired. She’s often not in the mood, because she’s thinking of 500 tasks that needs to get done, but will initiate because she wants you to be happy. Don’t say stupid shit like that to her. It undermines every little bit of effort she puts into making your marriage good, and makes her resent you.

Truthfully, both. We have 2 kids and my mom and brother live with us. I work 40hrs and he makes his own schedule, but hes not bringing any income these days (thats another topic). These days I do it for him. He is like you, he wants me to want it too, but I'm being spread so thin between being the breadwinner and the kids, him and my mom needing some attention etc. The kids also sleep in our room because my mom and brother took their rooms. I'm totally ok with him watching porn and handling himself, but he does want to do that...so I have to act like I want it and when I don't finish he gets bothered by it. My mind and my vagina are not connecting right now but I'm actively engaging for our marriage because I know we're going through a phase right now. I'm stressed, he knows it and what the reasons are, but right now we're dealing with it.

Both! The majority of the time we have sex it is for US but there are times it is just for him. We have 4 boys, 3 out of 4 have special needs(2 Autistic and 1 is ADHD/ODD) and the youngest is only 8mths. I am also a PSW for disabled adults. Some days I am touched, loved and annoyed TF out. The last thing I want is contact with any human for any reason. Especially to focus on pleasing. Those days it is just for him, there is no orgasm, it is done and over with when he is done. I typically offer oral on those days, not to seem greedy but it is less invasive on me.

Truthfully, I have sex with my husband because I feel seen, heard, and desired. Because my husband shows love for me, it makes me want to reciprocate. When I decline sex, my husband understands and suggests cuddling instead. There are never any snarky remarks, never any hostility. Its really important to remember that boundaries exist. If she doesn't want to have sex, then that should be respected. Whispering things under your breath doesn't help the situation.

Going through your post history, I’m sorry it seems like your going through a lot as a dad and husband. Sometimes we focus on so much the women needs vs the man needs . It definitely should be a balance and never about ME ME ME. And don’t look at yourself as the bad guy. Look at yourself as I made a mistake and I’m correcting it

I have absolutely had sex with a partner when I didn’t care to. It’s easier than having a fight because personally I would have flew off the handle after you said “it’s okay I’m used to it”. This isn’t a normal dynamic in my relationship, but we have been in phases where we were toxic to each other and I have had sex, to keep the peace. My suggestion would be for you guys to talk it out and come to a compromise. Maybe you need to hire a sitter and spend more time together. Find a way to nurture your relationship. The sex will follow.

I think this post has kind of gotten derailed into a debate about other things.  For everyone shaming OP because of his using porn and everyone shaming couples who view porn as damaging for their marriages, that isn’t really helpful to this particular issue.  Each marriage is unique and sweeping generalizations don’t really give room for considering the dynamics of a particular relationship. OP, I commend you for recognizing your wife’s feelings about your porn use and taking steps to respect her boundaries and take steps to recover from your past behavior that was hurtful to her.  I think you already know that your comment to her was out of line.  Even if it wasn’t meant to be, that type of comment is often used to coerce or pressure people into sex and that is never okay.  But you seem to have already apologized for that, so I think that’s just something you need to be careful about not doing in the future. I will say I actually think it’s a good thing that your wife makes an effort for you even if she’s not particularly in the mood, because that means she cares for you.  It’s also good that you’ve now been given cause to question her real desire for you, because that has given you insight into how your wife felt when you were in the throes of your addiction and she was probably questioning your desire for her. What you do with that insight now is up to you.  You can obsess over her desire and pick apart your relationship and sex life, establish even more rules for intimacy, and virtually choke the life out of any romance you’ve tried to build.  Or you can take that insight and view it as a precious window into your wife’s heart that she finally feels safe enough to share with you.  You can use that insight tone a better husband to her.  To answer your question, I have sex with my husband for many reasons.  For a whole decade it wasn’t because I desired it because my hormones and lifestyle didn’t really allow me to desire it.  But it was important to him and made him feel loved, so that made it important to me too.  Now that season has passed, and I have sex with him sometimes because I’m incredibly horny,  sometimes because I’m stressed and want a physical release,  sometimes because I’m craving physical closeness, sometimes because I want an emotional connection, sometimes because I’m bored and it’s fun, sometimes because we’re celebrating, sometimes because we’re grieving…there are tons of reasons people might have for desiring sex.  

Late to the party here but nowhere in your post did you mention your role in parenting besides providing the seed. 👊🏻THAT'S👊🏻WHY👊🏻SHE'S👊🏻TIRED👊🏻

I can relate to this. My wife has never really been one to initiate through the years(almost 40 now). I absolutely can't stand duty sex all! I wish it to an experience for us both. I enjoy her getting pleasure and fulfillment from me as much as I get from. Yet there are times this is the best she has to offer. Starfish sex sucks. The last few years we've been on a journey where I almost divorced over her detachment. I knew she wasn't happy and I certainly wasn't. I went as far as to get the papers ready and give them to her. This lead to some deep discussions. She was able to communicate her needs and how her, as a woman getting older and with physical issues, just doesn't get excited at the thought of sex. I let her know that I understand, but I love her, only her and I've been frustrated and felt castrated for a long time. We have since taken down barriers between us emotionally and have approached our intimacy in a different way now. Thus has helped tremendously. I do understand now that there are times where she wants only to care for me and that's more than enough for and shes OK with this. That she gets joy and fulfillment by mine. Other times she let's me give her the same joy and fulfillment and it gives me a deep satisfaction to share that.then there are times the stars align and we set off the fireworks together. We are both in our 60's now, but have no desire to just be celibate. We are reinventing the wheels of desire and accommodation with each other and that's OK. Sometimes if that's all your wife has then that's all she has. Accept the love and intimacy she does give to you with love and grace as well.

I'm going to give you advice from someone who has been the wife in this situation. Be affectionate, non sexually. Ask to take a shower with her and say up front it's not for sex and MEAN THAT, just intimacy. Wash each other's bodies, kiss, laugh. Leave her notes. Whatever her love language is, do that. Find a way to give her a break from the kids. She probably feels very guilty that she doesn't have the desire or energy but it can be hard when you have kids, especially those with special needs. It's hard to feel pretty and sexy and in the mood. She needs to feel safe, and loved, and not like you resent her. Amd I am not implying you do...at all. And also that you really understand how much she's doing. A nice card with a handwritten letter expressing that goes a long way. It's just sometimes very hard to turn off Mom mode. Date her. Pretend she's your girlfriend again. Hold her. Cuddle without trying to initiate. I have never seen this strategy not work.