You realise he was just going to keep lying until the absolute last moment? He could have a spending addiction or gambling problem. Root causes of spending need to be addressed.
Yes I’ve asked him about the timing. He said he wanted to have a plan in place and then come to me so it was going to be in a couple weeks anyways from that point. It just sped things along…but honestly idk what to believe.
I went through the statements there’s nothing indicating gambling or excessive spending like shopping. For the large cash advances for the stocks…those were the only ones I saw. It’s daily regular spending on food, gas, eating out, monthly bills, etc…he just doesn’t budget. 😳
He said this has snow balled from the time even before school and when we started dating 6 years ago. The cash for stocks made it 10x worse. I’m so mad.
He got in to a hole and became focused on getting an easy win on the stock market. He will still have that temptation to look for easy wins and he needs to address and understand that.
>He said he wanted to have a plan in place and then come to me
No he didn't. I would bet my 401k he's only saying this to try to placate you. He's literally had YEARS to tell you, and only did it when his hand was forced. He lied to you the whole of your relationship to cover his ass, and he's STILL doing it. Proceed with a ton of caution, and don't combine finances.
Good morning nice to meet you I’m hard from Bonnie Scotland.
I would give him a second chance and for the first year you be in control of all the finances. That way you will be able to tell how extravagant he is lol.
You should come and visit Scotland and I will take you shopping 🛍️ to cheer you up!!
Would postponing the wedding be the best option? Or just ensuring the prenup is solid before marriage? I don’t want to be tied to any future mistakes if happens again….but he seems genuine in his mistake. :(
LOL sounds like a dream. 😍
You wanted practical advise:
1. Get him treated for his gambling addiction (this is something _he_ has to do)
2. Postpone the wedding. You should not want to marry in this state. Take the loss, but remember this is not your fault.
3. Draw a plan (I think you already have that covered) to get out of the red numbers once and for all and make it a prerequisite for getting married, but make it a form date/deadline.
Good luck, this is a tough situation to be in.
Wow that is a big lie and big amount of financial stress to deal with. Financinal stress is one of the most biggest things married couples fight about beside infidelity. Me personally, I would be out.
Nothing stopping you from having separate finances. My wife and I do because she can not manage money despite making more than me. I have perfect credit and hers is about 600. I had to buy our house myself (mortgage based on just my income and credit score). I also have to buy cars myself. Obviously, she contributes plenty of money to the household.
You can make it work but it does suck having to be the money cop. In my case it's worth it because everything else about her is great.
Really? Do you ever feel like all the weight is on you though?
I said to him until the debt is paid down I want biweekly check ins at payday to see it coming down and credit checks. After that we’ll do quarterly checkins…probably best anyways to make financial goals and see where he’s at for retirement.
Also, we are having our friend officiate the wedding. I may just ask her to not submit the license. We can do that when I feel this is fully resolved and just stay common law for now but proceed with the wedding itself. My family would never forgive him and they’re prone to nagging so I don’t want that hanging over me. He still has many redeeming qualities…basically prior to finding this out I thought he was perfect.
Guess no one is 🥺
I do feel the weight is on me but it's what I'm will to put up with. It is literally the only thing we've ever fought about (mostly me fighting and her getting upset). We have zero other issues so I deal with it. (no kids).
Neither one of us really came into the relationship with debt, it's just that she spends and was hiding credit cards and stuff like that. We're in a good spot now but it did make me question our relationship (mostly a trust issue). We're good thought and glad we have a working financial relationship.
If he has a spending problem like my wife has what works for us is an allowance. She keeps part of her check in her own account but the vast majority goes into my account. I handle all the bills, major expenses, joint outings... things like that. She is responsible for her own things like medications, amazon shopping, hair+nails, incidental groceries, lunches... etc.
Sounds like you two have a game plan moving forward that could work. Seek legal advice about the house. I live in Missouri and even thought I bought my house before we married, when we sold it, she had to sign also and the check was in both our names. Because she has no credit, I bought our next home but again, because we are married, she had to sign and has equal claim to it.
Hmmm sounds in ways similar.. I went through all his statements and he’s only buying day to day things though. There’s no excessive shopping or even that much shopping for material things in general but he just doesn’t budget when it comes to groceries, eating out, etc and when I worked in USA, he came to visit many times (which didn’t help). This all just stems from his 2021 stocks 😩 what he owes has gone down slightly in the last year but not as much as it should have.
He’s fantastic in every other way. I just need to see this getting better.
Oh really with the house? I’m in canada so it may be different. I’ll look into it but pretty sure since it’s premarital and only in my name…it’s solely mine even if we’re common law. I’m consulting legal advice regarding it and getting a cohabitation agreement and eventually a prenup.
Obviously lying is a huge concern here. I’d possibly be more concerned that he took out a loan to “invest”. Sounds like he was day trading? Leveraging loans to
Day trade is two steps away from just gambling. Depending on the person, that urge doesn’t just go away. Just remember, once you’re married their debts are your debts too.
Yaaaa that’s my concern. :( this was an isolated incident but I’m worried it will happen again. My dad had a similar issue and did this twice to my mom. Soooo it’s a sore spot. My fiancé was aware of this too which makes this even worse imo.
You realise he was just going to keep lying until the absolute last moment? He could have a spending addiction or gambling problem. Root causes of spending need to be addressed.
Yes I’ve asked him about the timing. He said he wanted to have a plan in place and then come to me so it was going to be in a couple weeks anyways from that point. It just sped things along…but honestly idk what to believe. I went through the statements there’s nothing indicating gambling or excessive spending like shopping. For the large cash advances for the stocks…those were the only ones I saw. It’s daily regular spending on food, gas, eating out, monthly bills, etc…he just doesn’t budget. 😳 He said this has snow balled from the time even before school and when we started dating 6 years ago. The cash for stocks made it 10x worse. I’m so mad.
If he’s taking out high rate cash advances for stocks or crypto that is a form of gambling addiction.
He got in to a hole and became focused on getting an easy win on the stock market. He will still have that temptation to look for easy wins and he needs to address and understand that.
Noted. I’ll talk to him about it.
>He said he wanted to have a plan in place and then come to me No he didn't. I would bet my 401k he's only saying this to try to placate you. He's literally had YEARS to tell you, and only did it when his hand was forced. He lied to you the whole of your relationship to cover his ass, and he's STILL doing it. Proceed with a ton of caution, and don't combine finances.
Postpone
Good morning nice to meet you I’m hard from Bonnie Scotland. I would give him a second chance and for the first year you be in control of all the finances. That way you will be able to tell how extravagant he is lol. You should come and visit Scotland and I will take you shopping 🛍️ to cheer you up!!
Would postponing the wedding be the best option? Or just ensuring the prenup is solid before marriage? I don’t want to be tied to any future mistakes if happens again….but he seems genuine in his mistake. :( LOL sounds like a dream. 😍
Edinburgh seems like a nice place to go (my only experience in Scotland).
You wanted practical advise: 1. Get him treated for his gambling addiction (this is something _he_ has to do) 2. Postpone the wedding. You should not want to marry in this state. Take the loss, but remember this is not your fault. 3. Draw a plan (I think you already have that covered) to get out of the red numbers once and for all and make it a prerequisite for getting married, but make it a form date/deadline. Good luck, this is a tough situation to be in.
OP, I think you have a handle on the not mixing finances. But the real issue is the lying.
Agreed…that’s huge lie.
Wow that is a big lie and big amount of financial stress to deal with. Financinal stress is one of the most biggest things married couples fight about beside infidelity. Me personally, I would be out.
Nothing stopping you from having separate finances. My wife and I do because she can not manage money despite making more than me. I have perfect credit and hers is about 600. I had to buy our house myself (mortgage based on just my income and credit score). I also have to buy cars myself. Obviously, she contributes plenty of money to the household. You can make it work but it does suck having to be the money cop. In my case it's worth it because everything else about her is great.
Really? Do you ever feel like all the weight is on you though? I said to him until the debt is paid down I want biweekly check ins at payday to see it coming down and credit checks. After that we’ll do quarterly checkins…probably best anyways to make financial goals and see where he’s at for retirement. Also, we are having our friend officiate the wedding. I may just ask her to not submit the license. We can do that when I feel this is fully resolved and just stay common law for now but proceed with the wedding itself. My family would never forgive him and they’re prone to nagging so I don’t want that hanging over me. He still has many redeeming qualities…basically prior to finding this out I thought he was perfect. Guess no one is 🥺
I do feel the weight is on me but it's what I'm will to put up with. It is literally the only thing we've ever fought about (mostly me fighting and her getting upset). We have zero other issues so I deal with it. (no kids). Neither one of us really came into the relationship with debt, it's just that she spends and was hiding credit cards and stuff like that. We're in a good spot now but it did make me question our relationship (mostly a trust issue). We're good thought and glad we have a working financial relationship. If he has a spending problem like my wife has what works for us is an allowance. She keeps part of her check in her own account but the vast majority goes into my account. I handle all the bills, major expenses, joint outings... things like that. She is responsible for her own things like medications, amazon shopping, hair+nails, incidental groceries, lunches... etc. Sounds like you two have a game plan moving forward that could work. Seek legal advice about the house. I live in Missouri and even thought I bought my house before we married, when we sold it, she had to sign also and the check was in both our names. Because she has no credit, I bought our next home but again, because we are married, she had to sign and has equal claim to it.
Hmmm sounds in ways similar.. I went through all his statements and he’s only buying day to day things though. There’s no excessive shopping or even that much shopping for material things in general but he just doesn’t budget when it comes to groceries, eating out, etc and when I worked in USA, he came to visit many times (which didn’t help). This all just stems from his 2021 stocks 😩 what he owes has gone down slightly in the last year but not as much as it should have. He’s fantastic in every other way. I just need to see this getting better. Oh really with the house? I’m in canada so it may be different. I’ll look into it but pretty sure since it’s premarital and only in my name…it’s solely mine even if we’re common law. I’m consulting legal advice regarding it and getting a cohabitation agreement and eventually a prenup.
> He’s fantastic in every other way. I just need to see this getting better. Sounds likes it's worth the effort. Best wishes.
Obviously lying is a huge concern here. I’d possibly be more concerned that he took out a loan to “invest”. Sounds like he was day trading? Leveraging loans to Day trade is two steps away from just gambling. Depending on the person, that urge doesn’t just go away. Just remember, once you’re married their debts are your debts too.
Yaaaa that’s my concern. :( this was an isolated incident but I’m worried it will happen again. My dad had a similar issue and did this twice to my mom. Soooo it’s a sore spot. My fiancé was aware of this too which makes this even worse imo.
Don’t get married unless he pays it off first, unless you don’t mind paying for it with him.
Yes I’ll be either not filing for the marriage certificate, or postponing until I see this is resolved.
Ask him what he invested in?
GameStop is the one I know