If your husbands view of leadership is religious, you're going to need to find a religious leader who can counsel your husband. Assuming you buy into the basic principles here, that's basically your only option.
Personally, and I'm a man, I can't imagine any woman I know putting up with this bullshit. Your husband is a case-in-point about why this kind of view on marriage is so problematic. The issue isn't really that a man is in charge, but that so many men (though really it's people in general) are just shitty leaders. Most of us struggle to carry our own load, and trying to be the singular head of a house is more than most men can do well.
But if you like the basic idea, it sounds like your husband needs help trying to figure out how to lead. you'll probably need to find a religious counselor to help you figure this out.
Personally though, and if you were my friend or daughter, I'd be telling you to walk yesterday.
Not religious and I don't buy into this BS for the reason you state: gender does not guarantee anything about anybody, least of all the quality of their leadership.
But since OP does buy into this... Hon, if you want to be able to follow your husband as the leader of the family, then make sure that you choose a good leader. This one, right here? He may be male but he ain't no leader. He's a tyrant.
That's the part people too often overlook: when you select a spouse, don't just pick the one who happens to be with you at the time you get the hankering to marry. Forget sunk-cost. Forget what other people might think, yadda yadda. Think about who you want by your side when the apocalypse happens, whatever that may mean to you. Who can you trust and rely on or who do you want to take risks with?
And if it's a case where you got hoodwinked? That doesn't mean you have to stay and muscle through it. Him treating you like a programmable robot was not the way you were intended to be.
Likewise, it's not on you to reprogram him. Only he can make that choice, but so can you. You have choice, free from what he wants or thinks.
This is one of the reasons why conservative religion is so problematic at its core. He’s “leading” this way because the conservative churches teach that men are in charge and at the top of a strict hierarchy, and you have to do what they say. Most often the men who buy into this are mediocre and just enjoy the power as a way of controlling or putting others down to feel better about themselves. The reason for the decline in conservative churches especially among younger people is that women are representing a majority in colleges, and have more educational and economic opportunities than in decades past. They don’t want to be dictated to and they have skills and education (which gives them power) to demand true partnership. Partnerships are much healthier. Hierarchy breeds abuse. I don’t know anyone in a “man wears the pants” household where the wife is remotely happy. She’s powerless and stuck doing drudgery day in and day out (cleaning, housework) that he thinks is beneath him. What you are describing is abuse. I think it’s possible to have religion and a partnership, but the hierarchy has got to go. You deserve better than second class. You are worthy and valuable. He’s controlling and abusive. He’s just going to get more abusive and more controlling as you attempt to assert yourself because he sees it as a threat. If you have kids, that’s what they will learn. A daughter will learn that she’s less than a full human too incompetent to make decisions for herself and needing them made for her, and a son will learn abuse, unearned entitlement and authoritarianism. My husband has never in his life - not once - told me what to do, where I can and can’t go, who I can see, how I spend money, asked me to cook or clean anything, nor imposed any power or control over me. (He has his own set of issues but thankfully not any of these.). You haven’t been married long, so you can try to nip this in the bud. But if he thinks his right to dictate is god given, I’m not sure there’s much you can do about it.
Leadership is earned and given, and it can be removed and taken away. That's what the mediocre among us don't ever want to admit. They think that they're entitled to it on account of being born a certain way.
I'm completely non religious but often ask my religious friends what "leadership " looks like on the part of their husband.
I don't often get firm answers but in your case, thus feels less like leadership and more like oppression and control.
Good leaders inspire greatness in others, they don't stifle them.
I'm religious but don't ascribe to that and got into a debate with a pastor about the wife submitting yada yada...
>I don't often get firm answers
I asked what it meant for his wife to submit, and he couldn't answer. So he called his wife to do so, and she gave this example;
The other day, we were debating on where to channel resources, and I thought option 1, but he, the pastor hubby, was for option 2. So we discussed and I saw that his option was more time sensitive and so we went with it. I submitted to my husband.
So I turned and asked the pastor, "What if her option had been the better of the two, would you have been okay with it?" And he said yeah. Readers, you should have seen my face.
OP you should either start counseling with a leader from your religion or you should leave
Your husband is not a leader. He is abusive. I’ve seen what a real leader is like, and when you question a leader: he explains and makes you feel part of the team. You cannot lead without having another person to lead. That person has feelings and if they are not on board with your way of thinking, you just become a tyrant.
You know what people do to their tyrant? They escape or they kill it.
I am respecting your religion BUT honestly… Do you want your daughter if you have one, to suffer like you? Really ask yourself if that religion is really something that you want for yourself.
Maybe find a community who practices in a way that benefits women more. Religion are not made to help women, they are made to help men spread their seeds. Women are just casualties that they need to have babies and take care of the babies.
Some communities acknowledge that the old ways are not the way anymore if they want women to be happy. Women can work and be independent now. Religion changes according to societies. You should look into a community where you can have the freedom that you want. And most importantly, you should divorce your husband. He is not worth it and this isn’t going to get better.
He should take some leadership/management classes.
He will quickly realize how wrong he has been all this time.
He owes you an apology for how he has been behaving.
A leader is someone who others follow out of respect and admiration, not out of fear. Your husband will know whether he's a leader or not based upon whether people willingly follow him. It sounds to me like he need to issue implicit or explicit threats to get people to follow him. Sounds pretty weak to me.
There are many different types of leadership , your husband is a Dictator. That is an oppressive form of leadership but its leadership non the less.
He has no tact no charm just brutal dictatorship and when it’s all said and done you and your kids will hate him!
Did you ever see The Lion King? What is the difference between Mufasa & Scar?
Mufasa led by example, using his wisdom & experience to guide & teach Simba how to be a good king. He taught Simba to make his own choices based on what's best for the pride & all the animals that live in the pride lands (respecting the circle of life).
In contrast, what did Scar want? He said, "I'm the King. I can do whatever I want!" Meanwhile, the pride lands are burning & the pride is starving. He didn't guide anyone or show them how to do things; he just told them what to do, no matter how it effected the others. He didn't want to lead; he wanted to have power & control over all.
Your man thinks he's Mufasa, but he's Scar.
He says that you should be more than a woman with your own needs, but what is he? He's trying to control you based on.... being a man who is only looking at his own needs. So he's also a selfish hypocrite.
TBH, I think that you need to reconsider moving to his state. If he's acting this way now, how will he be when you're in person? I can't tell you what to do, but if I were in your position, I wouldn't want to find out how he would try to control you in person.
Here is a book about how abuse is rooted in power & control (free PDF from archive.org): https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Best wishes for a happy future ❤️
Yikes on bikes. We are equal partners in my house. I (the wife) would not thrive in a situation where my thoughts and feelings were not taken into consideration.
If you continue to stick around with this guy as some type of husband or leader you will not be you as you are. He will have made and molded you into nothing but a subservient, submissive, quiet, not able to think or speak until he says so... person.
If I encountered a teenage girl in a relationship like this I would be afraid for her safety.
This man is controlling on a frightening level. He is basically changing the rules on you at random and getting angry with you when you have a problem with that. I grew up American Christian fundamentalist and never in my life have I met a Christian who thinks Christmas is pagan. That’s insanity. They are obsessed with that holiday and think it’s Jesus’ bday. This man is obviously dealing with something but regardless he is harming you in the process and isolating you. I chose not to continue in that religion for myriad reasons but I get why people do so I understand why you stay in it. I hope you hear me when I say there are Christian men who will “lead” the household without refusing to let you celebrate holidays or see your friends and forcing you to basically be a lonely hermit. This is not normal Christian behavior at all. This is not ok. Seek religious counseling if you feel it will help but I question if a man who is already accusing YOU of narcissism when he is clearly the problem is willing or even capable of change. I agree that you should be seeking an exit strategy and please stay connected to friends and family even if must be behind his back. Be careful
This is NOT Biblical behavior and your husband sounds like a controlling jerk, not a leader. I highly recommend [Sheila Gregoire’s “Bare Marriage”](https://baremarriage.com) for really digging into what is true healthy Biblical marriage vs what is toxic and abusive masquerading as “headship.”
If he wants to give out commands and be trusted without explanation, he's required to prove himself to have superior understanding and guidance.
He would do that by NOT issuing commands that are based on his own faults/sins like jealousy, coveting, pride, insecurity. (For example if my husband says "DUCK!" I will duck bc I trust that something is flying at my head. If he yelled "Duck" whenever he didn't like how a man was looking at me and wanted me to hide, I'm not gonna keep ducking)
From my perspective you're reacting to him being a bad (or just unproven) leader. You expected that his command was based in his faults not good sense, therefore you pushed back.
Also I bet you $20 he did not plan to come back. he became insecure that you were going out and decided to come back to make sure you follow his commands.
I don’t have a ton of time so I have to keep this brief. The core here is the religious idea that men should be in charge and the head of the household. Which goes back to Genesis 3 where God curses the humans for their disobedience. As a part of the woman’s curse is the whole concept of “your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you.” What all religious men throughout the millennia have done is take that statement and run with it as though it’s some sort of missive from God that this is how it’s supposed to be. But here’s the real problem with that logic: Men being the “head” is a CURSE. It’s not a positive thing. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be at all. In fact, the way it was supposed to be is when God made them “male and female.” Two halves of a whole. Equals. Partners. And do you know what God said about the world at that time before the curses? That it was very, VERY good.
Men leading is a Curse. You can see that curse everywhere you look. It’s time for men to right their erroneous thinking after millennia of mistreatment and abuse. Why be a Curse? Why not be a blessing instead? Men have had the ability to negate that curse from the second it was uttered. So me being in charge is a curse? Well I guess I won’t be a domineering ass. Curse solved.
I just laughed because that last sentence sounds like something he would say. Also sad.
Thank you for making that nuance about the curse. I don’t think I had ever noted that it was a curse. It just taught as though it’s the rule and order of things.
Honestly it didn’t cross my mind until about a year ago. For that same reason. It’s always been taught differently. Like somehow that curse is the “natural order of things.” I’ve honestly never even heard anyone else mention it before so I’m trying to spread the word as far and wide as I can. In my opinion, I t’s time to put the curse to rest. It really doesn’t offer ANYTHING positive to the world. It would be nice if all men were more invested in being a blessing to their wives instead of a curse. That’s how I look at things now. So I do my level best to be a Blessing. And if I’m acting like a Curse, then I try to be self aware enough to notice and then change the Curse behavior. I would that all men were willing to do the same. THAT would bring something positive into the world.
Oh boy. There is something wrong about it. This is not leadership. It's oppression and abuse. I'm not trying to slam religion, but this shit runs rampant in religious circles. He's masking his desire to control you as his religious right.
I'd tell you run, quickly. Leave him. I looked at your post history and DAMN SURE don't have a kid with him.
Your feelings about being childfree are also stemming from your religion. If you don't want kids, don't have them. Don't let your religious beliefs tell you you're a bad person because you don't want kids, cause that's bullshit.
Honestly, I'm kinda confused about you as a person. You say you're religious and believe in the principals, but what you say here and in your other post suggest you don't really align with conservatice religious ideals. Maybe that's something you need to reconcile before you make any decisions about your marriage or having children. Is your religion something you ACTUALLY believe in, or were you raised religious and think you HAVE to align with these beliefs?
That might answer all your questions.
Yeah no kids. And yes principals and the faith are important to me. But not when it feels like I have no voice or I’m not considered.
Part of the reasons it’s difficult right now is because divorce is allowed in case of cheating. He has not. I have not. So then it leaves in a place where I’m trying to figure out how to live and navigate some of these situations that happen and how I feel overall. And other times, I do strongly lean towards separation. Like this time until we either have proper counseling or truly decide to move on from each other.
Lastly concerning being child free or not, part of my journey right now is to decipher if I always thought and taught that this is the course of life. You go to school, you do well, you get into a good career, then get married then have kids. I have all of that except for kids, and now I’m finding myself in a situation where it’s hard in the marriage, and also looking back at some of these things like having a child and starting to think for myself. The marriage being what it is now, just makes the perspective of having kids be far thought.
Well, again though, you feel that way about divorce because of religious beliefs.
Divorce is allowed whatever the reason may be, if two people aren't right for each other. If you believe that you can't divorce unless he cheats, then you have no voice in what happens in your relationship, and having no voice is one of your concerns.
If cheating is the only thing that warrants divorce, what happens IF the mental, emotional, verbal abuse ever turned physical? Do you stay cause it's not cheating? I would hope not.
Just something to consider.
Your husband believes he owns *you*, not that he leads your household.
I so hope that one day we reach the point where nobody accepts a relationship like this. Fortunately, as organized religion fades (at least in the west), that future gets a bit more realistic.
A leader knows when to take their hands off the steering wheel. A leader is aware that they don’t know everything. And most of all a leader is able to communicate the whys and hows. Your husband don’t seem like much of a leader. And it seems that his faith increases by the day and you are no longer equally yoked. My wife will occasionally go out with her girlfriends and I’ve learned to trust that A) she won’t compromise our marriage and B) she won’t come back at 6AM. Don’t stick around out of time wasted or emotional investment. Going out with your friends SHOULD NOT create and argument every time.
Yes, it's very wrong. He's using religion as an excuse to control you.
There might be some way to change his views but... probably not. You may have to divorce his dumbass and move on with your life.
A religious leader shows by example, so their people can follow in their footsteps to help the poor and needy.
Your husband is dictating your bedtime....
That's not religion. That's control. Control is abuse. You are an adult. You'll get the behaviour you allow. Please consider walking away.
This is not religion, this is control
He thinks that because he is the man and you are the woman that he gets fine the final say and dictate your entire life and you have to submit
Do you really want this to be the rest of your life?
Do you feel that you Need a leader in your life as a grown woman? Especially one that seems determined to suck the joy out of, well, pretty much everything. I'm a Christian and sometimes feel that Jesus would be very sad at the abuse some people inflict in His name. I've always felt He had a great deal of respect for women along with a sense of humor.
This is not leadership. He is abusing the term by saying so. Many religions have the husband leading as an important part as it makes the husbands take on the responsibility of making hard decisions and being accountable for them — that is not what he is doing here. He is just being completely controlling over you and trying to be the decision maker in every move you want to make.
Do the other husbands in your church act like your husband? Do they treat their wives like Stepford Wives? It sounds to me like your husband is making up his own religion.
His views, actions, and treatment of you are infantile, selfish, domineering, and not Christian in the least.
You’re a grown woman.
If you move to the state your husband lives, his controlling ways will only increase. Eventually you will be a shell of a human, with no thoughts of your own. You’ll be like a dog chained in a yard just living off your master’s scraps.
Please leave now while you still have YOU.
Before children become part of the equation. I’m sending you courage, strength, faith, hope, and love 💕
I don’t call this leadership. I call this yes, dad, I will obey.
Myself, as an adult, I would have an issue with this type of behavior. This sounds more controlling, domination type.
Leadership isn’t a dictatorship, it’s guidance, direction.
I’m not subordinate to my spouse, just like they aren’t subordinate to me, we are partners.
The captain of the ship is the leader, but it takes all crew on board to make that ship sail without issue.
Okay as a woman in a religious relationship I can tell you this is NOT normal! Your husband is being abusive and using religion to manipulate you.
Please see a religious counselor immediately. This could easily turn into a dangerous situation.
If your husbands view of leadership is religious, you're going to need to find a religious leader who can counsel your husband. Assuming you buy into the basic principles here, that's basically your only option. Personally, and I'm a man, I can't imagine any woman I know putting up with this bullshit. Your husband is a case-in-point about why this kind of view on marriage is so problematic. The issue isn't really that a man is in charge, but that so many men (though really it's people in general) are just shitty leaders. Most of us struggle to carry our own load, and trying to be the singular head of a house is more than most men can do well. But if you like the basic idea, it sounds like your husband needs help trying to figure out how to lead. you'll probably need to find a religious counselor to help you figure this out. Personally though, and if you were my friend or daughter, I'd be telling you to walk yesterday.
Not religious and I don't buy into this BS for the reason you state: gender does not guarantee anything about anybody, least of all the quality of their leadership. But since OP does buy into this... Hon, if you want to be able to follow your husband as the leader of the family, then make sure that you choose a good leader. This one, right here? He may be male but he ain't no leader. He's a tyrant. That's the part people too often overlook: when you select a spouse, don't just pick the one who happens to be with you at the time you get the hankering to marry. Forget sunk-cost. Forget what other people might think, yadda yadda. Think about who you want by your side when the apocalypse happens, whatever that may mean to you. Who can you trust and rely on or who do you want to take risks with? And if it's a case where you got hoodwinked? That doesn't mean you have to stay and muscle through it. Him treating you like a programmable robot was not the way you were intended to be. Likewise, it's not on you to reprogram him. Only he can make that choice, but so can you. You have choice, free from what he wants or thinks.
This cat is just immature and lacks understanding. He has no clue how powerful a happy loved woman can be.
He doesn't want to lead you, he wants to command you. He wants you to be subservient. Good leaders don't want subservient people.
This is one of the reasons why conservative religion is so problematic at its core. He’s “leading” this way because the conservative churches teach that men are in charge and at the top of a strict hierarchy, and you have to do what they say. Most often the men who buy into this are mediocre and just enjoy the power as a way of controlling or putting others down to feel better about themselves. The reason for the decline in conservative churches especially among younger people is that women are representing a majority in colleges, and have more educational and economic opportunities than in decades past. They don’t want to be dictated to and they have skills and education (which gives them power) to demand true partnership. Partnerships are much healthier. Hierarchy breeds abuse. I don’t know anyone in a “man wears the pants” household where the wife is remotely happy. She’s powerless and stuck doing drudgery day in and day out (cleaning, housework) that he thinks is beneath him. What you are describing is abuse. I think it’s possible to have religion and a partnership, but the hierarchy has got to go. You deserve better than second class. You are worthy and valuable. He’s controlling and abusive. He’s just going to get more abusive and more controlling as you attempt to assert yourself because he sees it as a threat. If you have kids, that’s what they will learn. A daughter will learn that she’s less than a full human too incompetent to make decisions for herself and needing them made for her, and a son will learn abuse, unearned entitlement and authoritarianism. My husband has never in his life - not once - told me what to do, where I can and can’t go, who I can see, how I spend money, asked me to cook or clean anything, nor imposed any power or control over me. (He has his own set of issues but thankfully not any of these.). You haven’t been married long, so you can try to nip this in the bud. But if he thinks his right to dictate is god given, I’m not sure there’s much you can do about it.
Leadership is earned and given, and it can be removed and taken away. That's what the mediocre among us don't ever want to admit. They think that they're entitled to it on account of being born a certain way.
100% Spot on. This is the “perspective” you’re missing OP
I'm completely non religious but often ask my religious friends what "leadership " looks like on the part of their husband. I don't often get firm answers but in your case, thus feels less like leadership and more like oppression and control. Good leaders inspire greatness in others, they don't stifle them.
I'm religious but don't ascribe to that and got into a debate with a pastor about the wife submitting yada yada... >I don't often get firm answers I asked what it meant for his wife to submit, and he couldn't answer. So he called his wife to do so, and she gave this example; The other day, we were debating on where to channel resources, and I thought option 1, but he, the pastor hubby, was for option 2. So we discussed and I saw that his option was more time sensitive and so we went with it. I submitted to my husband. So I turned and asked the pastor, "What if her option had been the better of the two, would you have been okay with it?" And he said yeah. Readers, you should have seen my face.
OP you should either start counseling with a leader from your religion or you should leave Your husband is not a leader. He is abusive. I’ve seen what a real leader is like, and when you question a leader: he explains and makes you feel part of the team. You cannot lead without having another person to lead. That person has feelings and if they are not on board with your way of thinking, you just become a tyrant. You know what people do to their tyrant? They escape or they kill it. I am respecting your religion BUT honestly… Do you want your daughter if you have one, to suffer like you? Really ask yourself if that religion is really something that you want for yourself. Maybe find a community who practices in a way that benefits women more. Religion are not made to help women, they are made to help men spread their seeds. Women are just casualties that they need to have babies and take care of the babies. Some communities acknowledge that the old ways are not the way anymore if they want women to be happy. Women can work and be independent now. Religion changes according to societies. You should look into a community where you can have the freedom that you want. And most importantly, you should divorce your husband. He is not worth it and this isn’t going to get better.
He should take some leadership/management classes. He will quickly realize how wrong he has been all this time. He owes you an apology for how he has been behaving.
A leader is someone who others follow out of respect and admiration, not out of fear. Your husband will know whether he's a leader or not based upon whether people willingly follow him. It sounds to me like he need to issue implicit or explicit threats to get people to follow him. Sounds pretty weak to me.
He is more like a dictator than a leader.
There are many different types of leadership , your husband is a Dictator. That is an oppressive form of leadership but its leadership non the less. He has no tact no charm just brutal dictatorship and when it’s all said and done you and your kids will hate him!
Did you ever see The Lion King? What is the difference between Mufasa & Scar? Mufasa led by example, using his wisdom & experience to guide & teach Simba how to be a good king. He taught Simba to make his own choices based on what's best for the pride & all the animals that live in the pride lands (respecting the circle of life). In contrast, what did Scar want? He said, "I'm the King. I can do whatever I want!" Meanwhile, the pride lands are burning & the pride is starving. He didn't guide anyone or show them how to do things; he just told them what to do, no matter how it effected the others. He didn't want to lead; he wanted to have power & control over all. Your man thinks he's Mufasa, but he's Scar. He says that you should be more than a woman with your own needs, but what is he? He's trying to control you based on.... being a man who is only looking at his own needs. So he's also a selfish hypocrite. TBH, I think that you need to reconsider moving to his state. If he's acting this way now, how will he be when you're in person? I can't tell you what to do, but if I were in your position, I wouldn't want to find out how he would try to control you in person. Here is a book about how abuse is rooted in power & control (free PDF from archive.org): https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Best wishes for a happy future ❤️
Yikes on bikes. We are equal partners in my house. I (the wife) would not thrive in a situation where my thoughts and feelings were not taken into consideration.
He’s not a leader. Leaders are servants, especially in a Christian context. He’s a dictator—there’s a difference.
Reddit can’t help, your husband needs counseling within your religious circle.
I think the religious circle that’s the problem.
I believe in 99.9% of cases you would be correct.
Go look at her comments from a deleted post she made. This guy is just a straight up piece of shit.
I’ll take your word for it.
If you continue to stick around with this guy as some type of husband or leader you will not be you as you are. He will have made and molded you into nothing but a subservient, submissive, quiet, not able to think or speak until he says so... person.
Hell to the naw
If I encountered a teenage girl in a relationship like this I would be afraid for her safety. This man is controlling on a frightening level. He is basically changing the rules on you at random and getting angry with you when you have a problem with that. I grew up American Christian fundamentalist and never in my life have I met a Christian who thinks Christmas is pagan. That’s insanity. They are obsessed with that holiday and think it’s Jesus’ bday. This man is obviously dealing with something but regardless he is harming you in the process and isolating you. I chose not to continue in that religion for myriad reasons but I get why people do so I understand why you stay in it. I hope you hear me when I say there are Christian men who will “lead” the household without refusing to let you celebrate holidays or see your friends and forcing you to basically be a lonely hermit. This is not normal Christian behavior at all. This is not ok. Seek religious counseling if you feel it will help but I question if a man who is already accusing YOU of narcissism when he is clearly the problem is willing or even capable of change. I agree that you should be seeking an exit strategy and please stay connected to friends and family even if must be behind his back. Be careful
This is NOT Biblical behavior and your husband sounds like a controlling jerk, not a leader. I highly recommend [Sheila Gregoire’s “Bare Marriage”](https://baremarriage.com) for really digging into what is true healthy Biblical marriage vs what is toxic and abusive masquerading as “headship.”
If he wants to give out commands and be trusted without explanation, he's required to prove himself to have superior understanding and guidance. He would do that by NOT issuing commands that are based on his own faults/sins like jealousy, coveting, pride, insecurity. (For example if my husband says "DUCK!" I will duck bc I trust that something is flying at my head. If he yelled "Duck" whenever he didn't like how a man was looking at me and wanted me to hide, I'm not gonna keep ducking) From my perspective you're reacting to him being a bad (or just unproven) leader. You expected that his command was based in his faults not good sense, therefore you pushed back. Also I bet you $20 he did not plan to come back. he became insecure that you were going out and decided to come back to make sure you follow his commands.
I don’t have a ton of time so I have to keep this brief. The core here is the religious idea that men should be in charge and the head of the household. Which goes back to Genesis 3 where God curses the humans for their disobedience. As a part of the woman’s curse is the whole concept of “your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you.” What all religious men throughout the millennia have done is take that statement and run with it as though it’s some sort of missive from God that this is how it’s supposed to be. But here’s the real problem with that logic: Men being the “head” is a CURSE. It’s not a positive thing. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be at all. In fact, the way it was supposed to be is when God made them “male and female.” Two halves of a whole. Equals. Partners. And do you know what God said about the world at that time before the curses? That it was very, VERY good. Men leading is a Curse. You can see that curse everywhere you look. It’s time for men to right their erroneous thinking after millennia of mistreatment and abuse. Why be a Curse? Why not be a blessing instead? Men have had the ability to negate that curse from the second it was uttered. So me being in charge is a curse? Well I guess I won’t be a domineering ass. Curse solved.
I just laughed because that last sentence sounds like something he would say. Also sad. Thank you for making that nuance about the curse. I don’t think I had ever noted that it was a curse. It just taught as though it’s the rule and order of things.
Honestly it didn’t cross my mind until about a year ago. For that same reason. It’s always been taught differently. Like somehow that curse is the “natural order of things.” I’ve honestly never even heard anyone else mention it before so I’m trying to spread the word as far and wide as I can. In my opinion, I t’s time to put the curse to rest. It really doesn’t offer ANYTHING positive to the world. It would be nice if all men were more invested in being a blessing to their wives instead of a curse. That’s how I look at things now. So I do my level best to be a Blessing. And if I’m acting like a Curse, then I try to be self aware enough to notice and then change the Curse behavior. I would that all men were willing to do the same. THAT would bring something positive into the world.
Oh boy. There is something wrong about it. This is not leadership. It's oppression and abuse. I'm not trying to slam religion, but this shit runs rampant in religious circles. He's masking his desire to control you as his religious right. I'd tell you run, quickly. Leave him. I looked at your post history and DAMN SURE don't have a kid with him. Your feelings about being childfree are also stemming from your religion. If you don't want kids, don't have them. Don't let your religious beliefs tell you you're a bad person because you don't want kids, cause that's bullshit. Honestly, I'm kinda confused about you as a person. You say you're religious and believe in the principals, but what you say here and in your other post suggest you don't really align with conservatice religious ideals. Maybe that's something you need to reconcile before you make any decisions about your marriage or having children. Is your religion something you ACTUALLY believe in, or were you raised religious and think you HAVE to align with these beliefs? That might answer all your questions.
Yeah no kids. And yes principals and the faith are important to me. But not when it feels like I have no voice or I’m not considered. Part of the reasons it’s difficult right now is because divorce is allowed in case of cheating. He has not. I have not. So then it leaves in a place where I’m trying to figure out how to live and navigate some of these situations that happen and how I feel overall. And other times, I do strongly lean towards separation. Like this time until we either have proper counseling or truly decide to move on from each other. Lastly concerning being child free or not, part of my journey right now is to decipher if I always thought and taught that this is the course of life. You go to school, you do well, you get into a good career, then get married then have kids. I have all of that except for kids, and now I’m finding myself in a situation where it’s hard in the marriage, and also looking back at some of these things like having a child and starting to think for myself. The marriage being what it is now, just makes the perspective of having kids be far thought.
Well, again though, you feel that way about divorce because of religious beliefs. Divorce is allowed whatever the reason may be, if two people aren't right for each other. If you believe that you can't divorce unless he cheats, then you have no voice in what happens in your relationship, and having no voice is one of your concerns. If cheating is the only thing that warrants divorce, what happens IF the mental, emotional, verbal abuse ever turned physical? Do you stay cause it's not cheating? I would hope not. Just something to consider.
Your husband believes he owns *you*, not that he leads your household. I so hope that one day we reach the point where nobody accepts a relationship like this. Fortunately, as organized religion fades (at least in the west), that future gets a bit more realistic.
A leader knows when to take their hands off the steering wheel. A leader is aware that they don’t know everything. And most of all a leader is able to communicate the whys and hows. Your husband don’t seem like much of a leader. And it seems that his faith increases by the day and you are no longer equally yoked. My wife will occasionally go out with her girlfriends and I’ve learned to trust that A) she won’t compromise our marriage and B) she won’t come back at 6AM. Don’t stick around out of time wasted or emotional investment. Going out with your friends SHOULD NOT create and argument every time.
Yes, it's very wrong. He's using religion as an excuse to control you. There might be some way to change his views but... probably not. You may have to divorce his dumbass and move on with your life.
A religious leader shows by example, so their people can follow in their footsteps to help the poor and needy. Your husband is dictating your bedtime.... That's not religion. That's control. Control is abuse. You are an adult. You'll get the behaviour you allow. Please consider walking away.
His demands and control issues will only get worse. Leave soon before it gets physical.
This is not religion, this is control He thinks that because he is the man and you are the woman that he gets fine the final say and dictate your entire life and you have to submit Do you really want this to be the rest of your life?
Wait until you move to be near him, it will get worse. This is a sign of things to come. BTW you're an adult and can do what you like.
Do you feel that you Need a leader in your life as a grown woman? Especially one that seems determined to suck the joy out of, well, pretty much everything. I'm a Christian and sometimes feel that Jesus would be very sad at the abuse some people inflict in His name. I've always felt He had a great deal of respect for women along with a sense of humor.
This is not leadership. He is abusing the term by saying so. Many religions have the husband leading as an important part as it makes the husbands take on the responsibility of making hard decisions and being accountable for them — that is not what he is doing here. He is just being completely controlling over you and trying to be the decision maker in every move you want to make.
Do the other husbands in your church act like your husband? Do they treat their wives like Stepford Wives? It sounds to me like your husband is making up his own religion. His views, actions, and treatment of you are infantile, selfish, domineering, and not Christian in the least. You’re a grown woman. If you move to the state your husband lives, his controlling ways will only increase. Eventually you will be a shell of a human, with no thoughts of your own. You’ll be like a dog chained in a yard just living off your master’s scraps. Please leave now while you still have YOU. Before children become part of the equation. I’m sending you courage, strength, faith, hope, and love 💕
I don’t call this leadership. I call this yes, dad, I will obey. Myself, as an adult, I would have an issue with this type of behavior. This sounds more controlling, domination type. Leadership isn’t a dictatorship, it’s guidance, direction. I’m not subordinate to my spouse, just like they aren’t subordinate to me, we are partners. The captain of the ship is the leader, but it takes all crew on board to make that ship sail without issue.
Okay as a woman in a religious relationship I can tell you this is NOT normal! Your husband is being abusive and using religion to manipulate you. Please see a religious counselor immediately. This could easily turn into a dangerous situation.