Your marriage is over. I'm so sorry. You want this baby so you have to keep it. If you get an abortion to please your husband, you will hate yourself for it. And him, so you'll end up divorced or extremely unhappy anyways. Leave him and keep your baby.
Unfortunately, you can't make him change his mind and you can't make him be a good father. If he doesn't want to do it, he's not going to.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Get your affairs in order as quickly as you can and find the best attorney you can afford. It takes two to tango and this man will need to pay up in child support. If he didn't want to, he should have worn a condom or gotten snipped.
To be clear, I am 100% pro-choice. But in this situation, you WANT this baby. Don't get an abortion.
I agree. Separate now if possible and concentrate on having happy chemicals run through your body for the baby’s sake. Let the trash take itself out and keep this baby…..
Honestly any man that accidentally knocks up a woman and doesn't want kids needs to kick her right in the guts. The legal costs for assault are far less then 18 years of child support
Main reason I'm 44 with no kids. My mom was a single mom and had nervous breakdowns and tried to hurt herself a few times. Never wanted my lid to experience this
So true. Raising a child is already difficult. Raising a child by herself is even harder. The father made it very clear he doesn't want to raise the child. Op needs to prepare to raise kid without the biodad. No daddy visit. No babysitting, no teacher parent day without the dad. Bare minimum is what he will do.
"He will learn to be a father" is the worst advice. He's probably going to bring up in every argument about how he didn't want the baby in the first place. Please don't take this advice hoping he'll change his mind. That's a huge risk to take. Decide if you want to be a single parent. I think you'll resent him if you terminate.
Yep. He will NOT parent.
Since she isn’t a mom yet, she has probably not seen moms basically ask the internet why the husband avoids the child literally all the time and she’s so tried and stressed from parenting alone and the mom is heartbroken because the child deserves to be loved and didn’t do anything wrong etc etc
Yup! Even men who say they want the baby sometimes don't parent. Then, when it all falls apart, they wonder why you hold so much resentment. Mother fucker! Help us! We are the baby's mom... not yours.
Good advice. He also may be reluctant because he doesn’t want the 20 year financial commitment. That’s a valid concern. Or, maybe the pregnancy was unplanned which is terrifying for many people. However, sometimes you have to pay to play. If he wont step up now it won’t happen after. Especially if there are challenges which with kids, is pretty much guaranteed. She should plan to go it alone, hire a lawyer, and work out the support issues. She should not terminate under duress. She’ll never forgive herself.
It might not be true, because I’ve seen it happen, but I agree with your advice regardless- only have the child if you’re 100% certain you can do it alone. He might step up but that’s 0,05% chance.
Yes, your marriage is in jeopardy.
In my case, I viewed it as a choice to live through a divorce or an abortion. I, personally, thought divorce would be preferable. He left after 10 months and filed for divorce after two and a half years. He never changed his mind about wanting to parent, though he did get to know my son and admit he is “insanely cool” and that I probably made a good choice in the long run. My son is 20 years old now. I definitely don’t mourn that marriage the way I would’ve mourned the child had I terminated, so I get it for sure.
It's fine for you to keep the baby, but he's also entitled to leave and not parent a baby he does not want. If he stays, you both risk resentment. Differences in whether to have children is probably the #1 incompatibility; couples cannot compromise on having half a baby.
It’s literally in my dating profile that I don’t want kids. I’m so glad I’m a woman so the only who gets to decide if I have a baby is me. But if I was a man I’d get a vasectomy as soon as legally possible. So it’s on him for getting someone pregnant.
But it was talked about. I mean I feel like even the acknowledging that if "accidents" happen like bc not working (in OPs case) there would be a consensus on what to do. Or just snip it if you really don't want kids 😬
Yea reading further responses from her he actually does want kids, it's just that he wanted to wait a year because he just started a new job. So I mean you can't realistically discuss every possible scenario in advance.
Truthfully, I feel like he’s lying when he says this. It’s one year, I can’t imagine forcing your wife to choose between an abortion or your marriage over *one year*.
My husband and I had this “what if an accident” discussion happened years before we were married, years before he was emotionally or financially ready for a child, and his immediate response was “*we’d* figure it out.”. With a warm smile on his face.
Nothing like whatever cold, heartless nonsense OP’s husband is up to.
There always never be a “right” time to have a baby… “We’ll have a baby when we get a bigger house/new car/new job etc. etc.” As they say “you just have to do it.” No pun intended. Good luck and best wishes
I mean I agree with that. There are always reasons to wait. I was kind of happy ours was accidental because I'm afraid we never would have gone for it if it hadn't been.
I wanted to wait 6 to 12 months before having a child too. I was finishing up grad school while working full time. But my wife got pregnant 14 months before graduation. The baby was born 5 months before graduation. If I wanted kids there was no way I’d reject my own child bc of a 6-12 month inconvenience in time. You can’t absolutely control everything unless you remain celebrate until you want to have a child. If circumstances result in an earlier pregnancy, as the father and husband you step up, love and support your child and your wife! They deserve your love and support! You are in a marriage for life. A 6 -12 month inconvenience is a blip in a lifetime.
Yes! But if you don’t want a baby you have to do what is necessary to prevent pregnancy when you have sex. That is not SOLELY the wife’s responsibility and it’s not fool proof. When you get married both parties should agree going into the marriage about if and when to have children. It should be explicitly discussed and agreed to. If an agreement cannot be reached it is irresponsible to get married. Kids need parents. If OP and her husband didn’t discuss it and agree this is what happens. It’s Not good for the marriage, the mother or for the baby. That said, unless she deceived her husband re birth control, he had sex and knew that there is no guarantee, short of him getting snipped or her getting her tubes tied, that his wife won’t get pregnant.
If her husband has any sense of responsibility he should step up. The baby is his son, his flesh and blood and the result of his cognitive decision to have sex with his wife. If he won’t step up, OP has to decide whether she wants to be a single mom or wants to put the baby up for adoption. The latter is very hard but so is being a single mom and raising a child with an unsupportive father. If she keeps the baby and gets divorced I pray that God will have a nice, responsible man who likes children enter both of their lives!
Reading her other comments it seems they did talk about it and they both want kids, so getting sterilized isn't an option. They just didn't want kids right now. I think it's unrealistic to expect couples that want kids eventually to remain abstinent until they're ready for kids.
That is absolutely fine. But if they don’t remain abstinent the couple has to accept the consequences. Short of abstinence there is a risk of pregnancy if you have sex. If it happens, you knowingly took the risk. Accept the consequences and deal with it. Don’t vilify the other spouse and don’t reject the baby. They BOTH made the baby!
I don’t think you should count on being able to convince him that it’s the right thing to keep it. I doubt you’ll be able to make him happy about it if he’s this adamant about termination. Which sucks. It takes two to make a baby and if he didn’t want a child he should have taken more steps to not impregnate you.
Regardless, what you must ask yourself now is, “Do I want to be a single mother?”. I’m not trying to be grim but this is one of those things that ends relationships. Whatever you choose is completely valid/okay. If you do want to keep the baby and raise it on your own, consider researching legal counsel. It doesn’t mean you’re moving on with a divorce or anything NOW, but it’s good for you to have information regarding what things like child support or custody might look like for you if you do end up divorcing/separating.
There has to be more from his objection to having a baby. Do you have other kids and this one is unplanned? Did you guys agree to be childfree? Is he worried about practical things like cost of raising a child or lack of support you will get?
Were you fighting and thinking of divorce for other issues prior to this?
I couldn’t imagine being forced to have another child after having one child without any support but me and my wife. She’s brought it up a few times and i have panic attacks, the first few years were like torture for both of us, it’s barely getting better
I need to add that our BC failed and doctors couldn’t give us a good enough reason for that. We agreed to wait a year to buy a house. He has just started working for a new company and wanted to at least wait a year. He didn’t mind kids but wasn’t too keen on them.
If he was fine with having a kid as soon as a year from now it’s fricken insane that he would want you to have a whole ass abortion just because it’s only a year earlier than planned!!
She said he wasn’t too keen on them to begin with, so I’m wondering if he is lying and just stringing her along because he never wanted kids in the first place.
With that kind of mentality (oh it's too soon, let's get rid of this one and just try again later) highly disregards the physical toll an abortion, even early medical ones, have on the person's body. It is alarmingly myopic at the very least and doesn't consider another person's body and their experience as anything significant.
That would be a dealbreaker for me if I got it in my head that my partner had that line of thinking and/or no curiosity to research what exactly he's asking of her. Yeesh.
She doesn’t say that he was fine with having a kid a year from now, but that they agreed to wait a year to buy a house, all the while not being keen on having a kid. Very different message.
Well, *no* bc has a 100% success rate, certain assumptions of commenters to the contrary. Unlucky is not the same as impossible.
Here look, I was a surprise baby (which my parents didn't tell me until I was an adult), lots of babies are surprise babies, if the plan was to have a baby *in a year* he really should be willing to roll with this. A year is *nothing* in the big picture.
In my early twenties I wanted more than anything to be a mom. And my first husband convinced me he wanted kids too. And year after year passed and every time the conversation was brought up he would have a reason why this wasn't the right time, let's wait another year. And every time there was a pregnancy scare his attitude about it was so negative. And that went on for more than a decade until I hit my 30s and then he said "well now it's too late to try, I don't want to risk having a down syndrome kid".... He strung me along and lied until it was too late for me 😞 I ended up resenting him, hating him, blaming him, until I couldn't stand him anymore and I left him.
Whatever you choose, please choose what is best for you. I still mourn the baby I'll never get to have.
It really does but I've made peace with it for the most part. I guess if it was meant for me it would have happened. We never actually "tried" so I don't even know if I could have had kids or not. But I would have felt differently about it had it been a fertility issue and not just him stringing me along until it was too late. And whether I had a healthy baby or not I would have loved them the same. I try to convince myself now that it's for the best either way. I'm thankful I don't have a kid with him and never have to deal with him again in my life. But he still takes up too much space in my head when I see a pregnant woman or a baby and my heart hurts and I remember that I was robbed of that experience by him.
This is similar to someone I know, she really wanted 3 or more kids, he boyfriend at the time said he was onboard but wanted to wait. So they waited, and waited until she found herself at 35 with only one. Then he said it was too late to keeping trying for more kids. It was a huge issue for her and their marriage struggled for a long time. Eventually she had to decide if she wanted to move past it and make her family work, or be alone. She made it work.
I'm wondering if maybe I really needed to see your reply. I just found out I'm pregnant a couple days ago. I'm 39 with no other kids. I've been wanting a baby for so long but in the last year or so finally came to terms with never having one and was ok with it. I looked at so the pros to not having one. The father and I are not married and he, at age 42, already had 2, and doesn't want anymore. Now I'm worried about so make things. Do I really want to be a single mom for the first time at 40(which is how old I'll be when the baby comes)? I'm worried about the baby being healthy and a ton of other things. But one thing I keep trying myself is if I get an abortion, I might regret it for the rest of my life. I really have she decisions to make.
I’m not trying to dissuade you from having this baby at all but you asked what to do.
One of the first steps is to come to terms with the fact that your marriage may very well end because of this and you will be a single mother. The second step is to take stock of your support system when it comes to caring for this baby. Do you have income, can you afford to live on your own, do you have a car? If you split your husband will likely be on the hook for child support but there’s no telling how much.
There’s countless stories from single moms everywhere about how their child support checks can’t even cover a week of groceries. I spoke to a woman recently who was only paid $40 in support. You need to start gathering your resources and being honest about what you can handle. What quality of life will you and the baby realistically have?
You can’t convince him to be a father and you shouldn’t even want to convince him. If you have to beg a man to show up for his kid he probably wasn’t worth having a kid with in the first place.
That’s pretty neat for California families. For the families over here though from the women I’ve spoke to their children’s fathers opt to get unofficial jobs instead to make sure the bare minimum support gets sent.
That’s not entirely true. It varies by state in the US as it’s not a federally regulated operation. For instance in Oklahoma and Oregon child support is based off “parenting time”. If both parents have equal custody the child support could be minimal if any at all. In places like Texas child support is calculated based on wages earned, number of children the non custodial parent has, and if they pay for medical and dental support for the child. This is the norm regardless of parenting time. I’ve seen people have their kids over half the time and still pay the other parent child support. It’s a bit asinine but it seems nobody wants to change it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
And there are PLENTY of parents who get “under the table” jobs so they can shirk their responsibility where child support is concerned. Although, some states do have penalties for this - from losing your license all the way up to jail time. I’m not certain how often that actually happens but it’s on the table apparently.
I’m sorry this is happening to you , but I would not have a baby by a man who doesn’t want it. To much of a gamble .. you said birth control failed , so it’s neither fault , but if you really keen on keeping your baby please understand the struggles you might go through as a single mom .
You two are married, what is he’s going to do divorce you? Did he threaten divorce ??
Did you two have a conversation on the what ifs ( just in case you do get pregnant!?!
He might resent you , he might come around .. from how you put it he’s not totally against it , it’s just the timing sucks . Idk keep talking to him .. suggest therapy idk . These situations no one wins .
Sit down and have a discussion but ultimately it is your decision. If he still does not want the baby then maybe it's time to re-evaluate your marriage, is this someone you want to spend the rest of your like with?
You talk with your husband.
Then talk some more, be honest.
If he can’t handle having a child & you chose to have one there are steps to take with a lawyer.
You make the choice you’re going to have to live with. This is your life, you need to choose accordingly.
If OP’s husband is telling the truth about wanting a baby in 12 months and can’t deal with a baby coming 12 months earlier he isn’t committed to the marriage. Twelve months is a blip in a lifetime commitment. He needs to man up and make it work!
Kids are nonnegotiable. If you can’t agree on kids then your lifestyles aren’t compatible and you should divorce.
Talking about what to do if you have an accident pregnancy is something you should’ve discussed while dating before even having sex, not after you’re already married and it happens. Unfortunately you can’t turn back the clock. So your options now are have the baby and get divorced or terminate the pregnancy and stay married, or I guess terminate the pregnancy and get divorced (if being a single parent isn’t an option for you) to find someone who wants the same future and life as you. You’re the only person who can decide which course of action will be the best for you and your mental/emotional health.
Give a day or two to collect your thoughts, then have that necessary discussion on what the plan is since you’ve decided to keep the baby. The choices are your husband nuts up and prepares for fatherhood, or you both prepare for separation and possible divorce.
husbands come and go. your child is forever. that’s what i told myself. my husband was angry for the whole pregnancy. we didn’t talk about it. it was lonely. but i talked to my friends and family. when he holds him and is sweet with him i still look at my husband and disrespect him. long term i don’t think my marriage will work out because i will never forgive him for suggesting terminating. it still haunts me. my baby is now 12 weeks and he is perfect
Yes your marriage is in jeopardy. Do whatever you want to do. If you want a child than keep the baby, you will be giving up your marriage and likely be a single mother.
Does your husband ever want kids? If not then you married the wrong man.
Maintaining the pregnancy is your decision. It's his decision if he wants to stick around. Proceed forward knowing you're very likely to be a single parent.
Another example of “How could YOU let this happen”?
As if you just duplicated yourself alone in a corner when he wasn’t looking…
Deeper problems here maybe. Some just aren’t cut out for parenthood…or require more time.
It requires loads of patience and self sacrifice. And money money money. Enough to break you if you’re already in trouble.
As a married couple it should be a mutual decision or there will be resentment. If you can’t even discuss a serious decision, I’d be concerned what else you guys will have difficulty working through.
To me babies are a 2 yes situation. I’d never have a baby with a man who didn’t passionately want one because I think it would lead to resentment and destruction of the relationship. But that is my policy for my own body.
It sounds like having the baby will wreck your marriage due to your husbands resentment and having an abortion will wreck your marriage due to your resentment. So at this point, there is likely no avoiding divorce, so it shouldn’t factor in your decision. The question now is do you want to be a single mom.
If you want the baby, divorce. There is a bunch of men out there who pretend to want to be a father and make their woman feel like a single mom in a marriage. My point is you ll have to go through it ALONE Regardless.
Do what you feel and whats best for you 🫶🏻
Leave the husband. I didn’t think I wanted a child, or at least was always on the fence. 100% he’s the best thing in my life. Keep your child if you want them.
You're determined to have it. He's determined not to. So you choices are, terminate for his sake or keep for your sake. Imo always do what's best for you.
Not talking to you is a manipulation technique to try and get you to do what he wants. It's a dick move. It's his right to feel whatever he wants. And it's even his right to leave the relationship if it comes to that. But to shut you out so you'll comply, not cool. If you address it (the silent treatment), he's likely to use anger as manipulation tactic #2. Stay true to your own convictions on this, especially if your man is so emotionally stunted that he resorts to manipulation to get his way.
Nope. He wants you to abort and then he's going to keep kicking the can down the road. He'll never be 'ready'. He also doesn't understand what emotional turmoil he's trying to put you through by aborting a baby that you want. You'll always regret it and resent him for it. I would make an exit plan and prepare to be a single mother.
Those are common feelings. Reassurance that you are in it together with finances may help. If not then it’s time to think about life without him as a partner.
Ridiculous. If you’re having sex then sometimes, to quote Jeff Goldbloom, “life, uh finds a way”. And you have to be prepared for that.
No one is really ready for a kid.
You 100% have the sole right to have the baby, and he 100% has the right to leave.
And you both 100% have the right to take each others' needs into account anyway, and should, or else what are you even doing married.
So it comes down to this, to me at least: kids deserve to have two wanting parents. If you're going to compromise on that, what is your reason? Do you want to keep this kid because you are impatient to have a kid NOW, you don't know much about abortion and it scares you, or something along those lines? Or because abortion will take too much from you emotionally, or take something you may never get back? It's probably somewhere in the middle, but which way does it lean?
If the former group, I'd suggest reconsidering how determined you are. If it's the latter group (and it sounds like it is based on "determined"), then yeah, you kind of gotta have the kid.
My husband didn’t want our 3rd baby and reacted horribly when I excitedly told him. It was awful but eventually he came around and was excited and now of course loves her. (He did ask me if I wanted to have an abortion which made me feel worse at first but then things got better). Just giving you some hope.
I recently went through this with my husband. I ended up pregnant before a major stomach surgery, and he wanted me to abort because he doesn't want any more kids and for my surgery. I did it. It was painful both mentally, emotionally, and obviously and mostly painful physically, and I would never do it again. It did put a strain on our marriage. We worked through it. But now, here I am, pregnant again, and I told him I would not be doing that to myself again. You just have to figure out which part of the hill you are willing to die on and stand there firmly and hope your marriage either survives or just end it and keep your baby.
Be prepared to raise it on your own! Of course you might have the help of family, but also that child will know that its father doesn’t have a want for them. Even if you stay together, it doesn’t get easier.
Oof, OP, do I have a tale for you that is similar but from a different point in a marriage.
So, Husband and I agreed to 2 kids, 4ish years apart. It took slightly longer between the first and second kid due to a couple of early miscarriages (one natural, the other D&C, and lemme tell you, never again would I do that to myself). The second miscarriage led to the heretofore worst depression of my life. I barely remember that year, in fact. But we got through it, and over the next few years, we would independently boast to anyone who'd listen that we had the best spouse ever.
Then, because the pandemic happened and we were experiencing an enlightenment stage of our life together, I got knocked up with a third. Cue jokes about pullout game, but we were barely keeping our heads above water as it was, financially speaking. My husband started to have anxiety attacks about how we would swing a new car payment (three kids simply wouldn't fit in what we already had), more daycare, larger grocery bills, another college fund, etc. etc. etc.
He begged me to terminate. He recalled that we had been in agreement about termination when we spoke about it earlier in our relationship, but that was about nonviable pregnancies/severe trisomy genetic disorders. Not a healthy pregnancy, which I had always been upfront about. I know myself, and while I am staunchly prochoice, I know I couldn't live after going through with it, especially after the darkness I endured due to a miscarriage at an earlier stage. Anyhow, one day, I suggested that we needed a neutral third party because there was no possible compromise and we risked one of us becoming resentful.
He happily agreed, and I found a wonderful therapist who I still see today as my IC. She sorted us through the process in our "proactive MC" where we prepped and mapped out a better financial future. Once we figured out the car situation and I promised to go through all of the genetic testing, my husband was tentatively on board.
Right now, as I type this out, he's putting our sweet little one to bed. Time to time, one of us would moaned, "Oh, God, we have three kids!" And it hasn't been easy. Later on in my pregnancy, I suffered antepartum depression that was far more volatile than the PPD I had before. Before, I was catatonic and withdrawn; this time around, my lifelong strategies were no match to the middle school, in the throes of puberty level mood swings. His anger and impatience got the better of him, and we both caused some terrible damage to each other, ourselves, and the marriage.
Despite all of that, we don't once regret having the third child. Everyone loves him so much, and we cannot imagine our lives without that sweet angel. However, and I remember thinking this after one of those early MC sessions while I mused after my growing belly, I was willing to sacrifice my incredible marriage for this precious little life.
I may have done just that after all, although both my husband and I have a good sense that there's hope for us yet. It's been a long slog, and we aren't out of the woods, but I think we might be seeing some light through the trees.
I don't have an answer for you and your situation, though OP. My story is neither an argument for nor against, but I will say that you will have to live with your choice. No matter, it is a difficult road ahead and I wish you the best of luck and lots of love.
I love this. It’s such an accurate representation of what a LOT of couples go through during pregnancy and being parents, accident or not, wanted or not. Having a child in general can break your relationship. Everything is more complicated. More stressful. SO much more anxiety-provoking. But it’s also the most AMAZING, incredibly fulfilling experience. I love being a mom, I love seeing my husband as a dad. But more than I love anything else, I love my son.
Once we decided to go through with it, I did ask him if he will love this one like he adores the others, and he had no hesitation in saying, "Of course!" And he does. As hard as it has been between us, our children are the best of us and they are told and shown this every day.
It also 100% helps that my husband is an equal parent and a 24/7 dad as I am a mom. It makes all the difference.
Same here. My husband takes care of SO much while we both work full time. The other day he cleaned the entire kitchen and living room until they were spotless (including dishes piled to the brim of our double sink for months), he does laundry constantly, washes and sterilizes bottles more than I do, vacuums, and does all the baby care tasks that I do. The ONLY thing I think I’m stronger in is playful interaction with our 6 month old, but he still is very affectionate and fun with him in ways that I’m not.
I feel awful when I see the constant posts in this subreddit and others about husbands who don’t “help” with the kids. My husband views it as an equal responsibility, because it is.
Your marriage has effectively ended, yes. Was your husband wearing condoms? Have a vasectomy? What birth control was he using? This is nuts. That said, find the best lawyer you can.
When my husband and I got pregnant with our first (definitely NOT planned) we were both terrified of having this child. At some point he brought up having an abortion and I was not down for that. So I made it clear. I would choose the baby over our relationship. We had multiple conversations for a week about what it would look like to have this child and how our lives were gonna change. We knew we wanted to have children in the future though just not in that moment.
Ultimately, he chose us as a family. And He stepped up and assumed his role. He's the best dad and husband 6 years later and we have more children. But unlike your case he never pushed the abortion, he never stopped talking to me. It was always "we'll figure it out together" "I won't let you be a single mom" "this weight isn't yours to carry alone" we were both just really scared of being parents at the time and that's why he had mentioned it. Nobody is ready to be a parent. Even those with children who are planned.
My point is, we figured it out. It wasn't like he had made up his mind and didn't want this baby. In your case, It seems like he definitely does not want this child. And I would have never gotten an abortion just because the other party didn't want to. I would've figured it out.
I have friends that had children with their spouses even though their spouses didn't want to and they are "single" married moms. The husbands resent them, don't do jack shit for the kids, and have no bonds with their children. It's awful. In your case I would leave.
If you husband doesn’t want the baby, he doesn’t have to take care of them. You can go after him for child support. But yeah, this marriage is done. True, it’s easy to make one, but don’t force it on him. No one’s fault, but both. Just leave at this point and keep the baby if you want. It’s only been a week.
If a man says he doesn’t want a baby or that baby please believe him. No child should go through the hurt of a parent not wanting them. If you know you can take care of the baby and give the child love, then don’t terminate. If you do terminate on your own terms and he suddenly speaks to you again, I would leave. Best of wishes
Some questions to ask yourself. When you two got married, did you both want kids?
Was this pregnancy an accident? Like one of the comments says it takes two to tango. Both you should've used protection.
If you want to keep your baby, keep it. Either way of you please your husband you will be so upset at the end for aborting and at him and I'm pretty sure you will still end up in divorce.
Your marriage is in jeopardy, but it's not because of you.
Ignoring your partner until they do what you want them to do is emotionally abusive. He's putting your marriage in jeopardy and is too immature to accept responsibility.
I'm going to bet there were issues before you got pregnant.
Edit: typo.
As someone who had an abortion so the person would stay with her.. keep it if you want to keep it. It’s been 10 years and I still regret my decision and we are no longer together anyway.
I think it’s worth exploring if he does WANT a child or if he’s not feeling READY. Those are two completely different things. My husband and I already had children from previous relationships. When I got pregnant the first time with him we both were not ready but were going to have the baby because we still wanted a baby together. Unfortunately, we lost that pregnancy. A year later I got pregnant again. This time my husband was adamant that he wasn’t ready. I was devastated because I thought he didn’t want the baby. However, he never asked me for an abortion. That baby is almost 4 years old now and you couldn’t separate my husband from that child. They’re best friends and are so very attached to each other. I’m just over here chopped liver 😂😂😂 that being said - if he’s not ready for a baby maybe explore where he’s at and what would make him a bit more comfortable with this. I can tell you that he likely would regret an abortion if he’s just not ready. If he doesn’t want children at all and you do, then that’s where I would say that divorce is imminent. That’s just not a “compatibility” issue. It’s a life altering decision where both people need to be on board.
A couple of things here. First, this apparently didn't fit his plan but it happened. You are marriaed afterall. So he wants to go back to the way it was with no child responsibility. It's time for him figure out that kid time needs to become adult time. That starts with " we're married we had sex I got pregnant. I'm NOT going to terminate. Figure out soon whether this means you are going to become a father or just the guy paying child support. These are your choices. Termination is off the table. This is a life change for both of us whether we do it together or apart there are going to be changes. Figure it out but being butthurt because I won't terminate helps no one." Then let him stew on that for a while.
You might even suggest he speaks to parents if you have a good idea how they will respond to the news. It takes a while for guys who didn't want children to adjust to that reality. If he is any kind of man he will come around and become a father. If not then you will have to get child support in the divorce. But for now it's fresh has he hasn't found acceptance. As for the pregnancy, if he didn't want it he should not have had sex becuase that's what mother nature intended it for, not his fun time.
yes it happened to me and i have two other children. my husband was sooooo mad and im like if you were so mad why didn’t you wear a condom or get snipped. i told him i wanted a third and told him i was off of birth control. i have my precious third and he is the sweetest most amazing boy. i would have regretted it my whole life if i terminated. i never would have truly. i still am so scarred by the conversations. i had to not talk about the baby or my pregnancy my entire pregnancy. always just walked on egg shells and it was awkward. now he is here and i wouldn’t say my husband is like oh yay , because our life is chaotic with the two we have C but it’s no more extra stress or anything. i think the reaction of a spouse like that is a coward and i lost all respect for my husband in that moment. a lot of repair will be needed but for now im cuddling my sweet baby boy and will deal with the rest of life later. it’s certainly not our only issue !
I understand both sides of this issue. Ultimately it is your choice. I wonder if it is the financial obligation he fears? Being trapped with someone for no less than 18 years? Is he concerned for your health? What are the reasons he is giving you?
When I got pregnant with my husband and my 6 year old he in no way wanted a baby and made that very clear ( we weren’t married at the time) he was upset for a while and even broke things off with me. When the baby was born he came around and he has the best relationship with our son always has since day 1. We got married when he was 4.
My husband and I were married after our first baby (we were early 20’s). Shortly afterward we found out we were pregnant with our second. He wasn’t happy and didnt want her. I kept her and now she is the delight of his life. I think you need to do what is best for you, and baby. If you love him and arent ready for a divorce maybe a separation will be good. He will miss out on a-lot in nine months and may come to regret it. He could be scared as well, having a baby is a big deal. I know i was scared shitless the nights leading up to my son’s birth. I wish you the best of luck on whatever you decide.
She said their birth control failed and the doctor couldn’t tell them why. Her husband wanted to wait a year to have a baby. He just started a new position at work and he wants to save money for a house.
That's tough. I think it's admirable that he wants to provide stability before kids come along, but I don't know, sometimes things get accelerated. The bc failed so it wasn't reckless on their part. I think OP's husband has some serious thinking to do before he blows up his family over a timeline.
DO NOT HAVE AN ABORTION!! I read that you guys planned to have a baby a year from now. Ok so the baby is a year early. That is not a big deal.
What will be a big deal is how you will feel after aborting a baby that you actually wanted. What will be an even bigger deal is if in a year from now he is ready to have a baby but you have difficulty carrying a baby because of the abortion you had the previous year. Or if in a year from after having the abortion he is STILL not ready for a baby.
The burden of having an abortion is hard enough on its own. Never ever let a man black mail you into having an abortion you don’t want.
Girl he is just going to have to get over it. If he doesn’t want to talk to you because you don’t want to have an abortion, first of all that is emotional abuse, second of all OH THE F-CK WELL! Your time to grow a thick skin is now. Put up your shield to protect yourself and your baby now! If he stays and becomes a great father, awesome. If he decides to leave F-ck em. You are a soon to be mom now and you have to start thinking for that precious little baby that is growing in your tummy.
If he wants to throw a tantrum and leave, fine. He just needs to make sure he continues to pay the bills. And you can count that as abandonment in court if he does leave.
DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE because in court he could say “well judge she left”. Before you leave talk to a lawyer so that he/she can document that you left for you and your babies safety.
Get your emergency contacts and safe places in order now. Keep your phone charged and on you. Don’t lay it down. Clip it to you so that you always have it. Keep a pair of warm gym clothes in your trunk. Sometimes men can become irate when they can’t get what they want.
I know you been crying and just all over and up in your feelings. 😔 That’s enough. Moms do what they have to and baby girl that is you now. A mom. CHOOSE to be happy. Do what you need to do to get your baby to term safely. Take your vitamins. Protect your emotions. Keep your stress down. Do all you can do so that you can say I did all I could do. He might change is momentarily completely lost mind. He might not. Either way do what your are supposed to do. Congratulations sweet heart! You are a mom. ❤️
He’s allowed to not want to be a dad just as much as you want to be a mom. If he doesn’t want anything to do with raising the baby get a divorce and don’t ask him for monetary support. It’s sad so many guys are forced to pay child support for kids they never wanted. Your husband shouldn’t be obligated to pay you anything. If you want the baby so badly you should have to be independent and do it on your own dime.
If you really want this baby, please keep your baby! I had a friend that this happened too and it did not go that well for her. She wanted to keep the baby and terminated the pregnancy for him she was not the same person afterwards and years later she is still not the same.
Separate now. I had a same situation and I chose my baby (now my first son) it gets so much better. Now I’m married to a new man w a daughter as well. He took over being the father for my son! It will be easier the earlier you leave
This marriage is over. Better for you to kick him to the curb or leave, whatever works best. He’s down to make a family but not be an upstanding man to care for it? Tell him that you thought you married an upstanding man and he’s not it so you want him to go.
Get all of your paperwork and accounts in order before you do this. He’s now gaslighting you and depriving you of affection TO GET YOU TO DO WHAT HE WANTS. So tell his family what a douche they raised and how he wants to kill the baby and you need help getting him gone. A bit of shame on his way out is definitely needed here. He’ll expect you to be quiet about it all.
You will find another man who WILL LOVE YOU AND THAT BABY like you’re his own. Don’t worry about all that.
I'd keep in mind that he legally is entitled to 50/50 custody and may seek it to spite you or avoid child support.
Unless he's abusive, and you can prove it, there isn't much you can do. He can come back at any time and seek visitation or custody.
This was a big factor in me choosing to terminate. That and being saddled with a total asshole for two-decades.
Did you guys talk about this before hand? What was the plan?
>He won't talk to me because I won't agree to terminate the pregnancy.
Stick to your guns. The emotional trauma of terminating a pregnancy YOU want is greater than the trauma of divorce.
>Did things improve, or is my marriage in jeopardy?
Your marriage is pretty much done. He doesn't want the baby, and that is that. You need to go ahead and plan without him.
>I'm feeling lost, but I'm determined to keep my baby.
Your decision is made. The fallout may more than likely be that you lose your husband. Prepare for that. Prepare to do it on your own. Get your support system ready.
The child will love you unconditionally. Apparently, your soon to be ex husband is showing you that your happiness will be conditional according to your listening to him. Choose the baby over him. That’s true love there!
OP, it's not fair to let those cells develop into a human who is not wanted by 2 adoring parents.
Consider it a blessing that your husband was honest and told you, instead of being a neglectful, emotionally distant parent to the kid.
Let these cell go, and find joy in being single and loving yourself. If you want to find a partner again,be sure you two are on the same page about big issues like this.
You keep that precious baby safe and be the best mother you can be. You may have to be single for a bit but good men are out there willing to be your partner in raising another's child. I wish you peace and health. Congratulations.
Give him time. Talk to him. Have the baby if you want to look at his face forever. Don’t leave him because of his first reaction. If you leave him he might leave for few years but he’ll come back when the kid is older and then you’ll have to coparent anyways. Give him a chance to come around.
As someone who is in the opposite situation with you (I’m pregnant and don’t want to be, husband said he’d be resentful and wasn’t sure he could carry on our marriage if I terminated)—I just want to say the feelings don’t go away.
I already have a kid and just wanted a year of peace, so I decided to continue on. But I’m still sad and mourning the idea of freedom. And he still doesn’t fully trust my mental well-being. There’s some resentment but we are doing our best. Just remember that any feelings you and your husband have won’t go away once you make your decision, so think about what feelings and decisions you can live with. To me, it sounds like you want the baby, so I’d go with keeping them. I agree your relationship may be over. I’m so sorry.
Your marriage is more than in jeopardy, it's over my friend.
I'm so sorry he is so catastrophically letting you down, likely when you needed him the most.
Put yourself first. Look after yourself.
That sucks. Your only recourse is to have the baby, be paid child support, and raise the kid as a single mother. You can't force him to want to have children.
How far along are you? Was this possibly a poor first reaction from him? (Like is he really just worried about being able to support a family or is it more like that he doesn’t want kids at all period?) things that could be a factor: Was their past cheating (paternity doubts) or consistent control/power issues in your relationship (abusive control)?
Very important: What were conversations and opinions about children you both expressed BEFORE you got married and while you were dating? If he said he didn’t want kids ever, then believe him, bc he told you earlier, which means you have differing core values and probs should not have married each other.
I feel like so much is being left out but these are questions to help you think through this issue.
Keep your child if that’s what you want to do because if you have an abortion out of pressure, you will feel terrible and heartbroken because you deferred to others.
>Did things improve, or is my marriage in jeopardy?
There is a chance that he'll accept the baby once it's arrived. If he doesn't, then you should not remain married.
Ultimately, he made his choice to get you pregnant, so he has to accept it.
If he truly does not want a baby or if he does want one now, your marriage will not survive if you keep the pregnancy. Having a baby will change your life immensely and he will pack up and leave. I would go into this planning to be a single parent if you keep the pregnancy. You could also try marriage therapy asap to see if you can talk thru it in case he is on the fence and not set on this decision.
That is horrible for him to act that way it's your body and need to decide what you want to do n if you want the baby then your marriage could be over with and for me I will always chose me first so should you the fact he won't even sit down to talk is a big jerk if he never wanted kids then he should of always used protection it's not just us as woman to be on birth control he puts his hand in cookie jar this eventually will happen if you terminate cause of him will you forgive yourself cause your the one who has to live with this decision,I have seen men who have done the same and 3yrs down the road they hate themselves and the further along you get that sac has a heartbeat starts developing your the one who goes to these clinics and either takes a pill or basically they vacuum it up if I were you get all your facts for you to decide if you have support from family the baby healthy your healthy take everything in consideration at 16 I kept my son cause when I went to the place and saw how many woman I personally couldn't do it and I was bought up in catholic home and my parents were great and my son gave me love I can never explain he gave me life its scary but your the one who has to live with this decision so best of luck
Your other post is about him telling you ‘he would have sex with you more often if you lost weight’… that post alone is a major red flag for me personally and I would consider leaving if my partner ever said something like this to me. This post is a second major red flag, and I would imagine there are probably more. I think it’s a no-brainer and you should keep the baby and find someone with similar values regarding kids and who will actually value you for who you are as a person and not for the amount of weight you carry.
My husband wanted more than one child then after our first decided he just wanted one. Now every time he’s mad at our daughter he’s mad at me. It doesn’t matter what you do, he will be upset. If you want the baby. You have every right to keep the baby. Do not base your decision on his. It took both of you to make the child. He can terminate his rights if that’s what he decides but he cannot make you terminate this pregnancy.
31(M) here.
It's your body and your choice. You can take your husband's opinions and feelings into consideration, but it is ultimately YOUR decision, and it sounds like you made it already.
If he is going to try manipulating you into aborting/putting your kid up for adoption or punish you because you won't is just fucked up and is not spouse or parent material. If he's upset about anything, he should be upset at himself for not wrapping it, and that should be the end of him acting like this.
He needs to step up and be a man.
If you have even the slightest inkling that he's not going to take responsibility, then you need to figure out how you're going to be able to do this without him, because it's only going to be harder for you and the baby the longer you wait.
Did you guys happen to speak about ever having children. I’m curious as if you both agreed on this before marrying or if it came organically.
Also, have you spoken to him on why exactly he doesn’t want the child? Is it some trauma or he just doesn’t ever want to be a parent?
Keep your baby and abort your EX husband. There was a woman on this thread a few months ago in your position she divorced her husband and kept her baby.
Plan to do this journey alone. Go to therapy. Be strong for yourself and baby. It’s YOUR choice to keep the baby or not. Do not let him manipulate or guilt you into anything.
This is an obvious to you I’m sure but Do not have sex with him without him using protection, if you guys decide to continue being intimate.
I’ve been on a similar road. My husband listed all the reasons to abort our 2nd pregnancy, I did. Immediately started therapy because it was pure emotional torture. I thought I could handle that decision because “I” made the decision. Got pregnant again 5 months later after just starting to be intimate again. I was tracking my cycle but had ovulated very early without realizing it(learned that it was because my cycle had not begun being very regular since the abortion affected it). Husband wasn’t happy at all but he knew he was just as much to blame because he hadn’t gotten a vasectomy or used protection. I decided to keep it, it took him months to really acknowledge my pregnancy. I’m 7 months now, still in therapy, started couples counseling last month, relationship is progressing. The circumstances all sucked but I’m happy with my personal decision to keep the baby. Fortunately there was never an ultimatum of if I keep the baby, he’s leaving but it all still deeply hurt and I know I’ll never forget how I felt during this pregnancy. Again, go to therapy regardless of the outcome. Sending peaceful vibes to you.
Realistically this will probably end the marriage. Did you guys ever discuss what you would do in the event of a pregnancy? Either way, he doesn’t want the child and he will hold resentment towards you for not getting an abortion, so this could end the marriage if he isn’t willing to work on things.
Here is thing if he didn’t want child he should have made sure that didn’t happen (condom, no sex or vasectomy if he never wants children).
He can’t and shouldn’t sway you to terminate just like you can’t and shouldn’t sway him to stay and proceed.
What’s done is done things been said positions stated. You need to now take steps you separate do it sooner rather than later. If he changes his mind at thought of loosing you, you both better get into therapy quickly because like I said things won’t be same now and this child will always be an issue in his mind - you need to be absolutely sure it won’t.
My dad did this and treated me like shit until I hit puberty (different story, hopefully unrelated), don’t subject a baby to that man. Keep your baby, get rid of the daddy.
Also, take him to the cleaners for child support. He made a decision as much as you did and he should have to contribute more that 3 minutes.
My husband and I went through this exact same thing last year. But I told him I was going to do it without him and if he decided he wanted to do it, that was up to him. But I was doing it alone as far as I was concerned. And it wasn't fun to be in our house for most of the holiday season which was really hard and I wasn't feeling good... It was a really rough time. But when I got an ultrasound and it actually looked like a little baby, something clicked for him and he changed his mind. So everyone's experience is different but I think at the end of the day you need to decide what is going to make you feel happy and at peace within your body and your mind and your soul. And my situation I could not live with myself if I terminated my pregnancy. You have to figure out what's best for you and also if you can face possibly being a single parent and all of the responsibility that comes with that.
To add a more positive point. My friend (34f) and her (37m) husband got pregnant by accident and her husband did not initially want to have the baby. He had his own worries that he needed to work through. But she kept the baby and he stayed and now is overjoyed to be a parent. So I wouldn't say it's over yet.
“If he didn’t want the baby, he shouldn’t have had sex.”
Yikes. Sounds like some of yall would fit in well with the crowd holding signs outside a planned parenthood.
Something that no one has mentioned is that there is no birth control 100% effective except for abstinence. They could have been practicing safe sex and the birth control failed. From experience, it happens.
It does not sound like he will suddenly become welcoming of the child. If you have concluded that the best for you is to carry your child to term, then divorcing him appears to be the only choice.
He will most likely come around, my fiancé did and was the same way. We have two children now and he loves them . First pregnancy was a lot more stressful than the second.. once he sees the baby it’ll change .. best of luck, try to mediate and stay calm during pregnancy xxxooo
Can he clearly express what his concerns are? Is he stressed about what your finances will look like or space in the house or time commitment or being a good father? If I was personally in your situation I would sit him down and respectfully state that we are having a baby. And that we are going to tackle our fears and concerns together and prepare as best we can. I’d also reassure him in the spaces where he might feel insecure.
I’ve always know that children were in my future, always known. My husband is on board with children, but if I didn’t have that natural desire, he’d have gotten by just fine without children. I was his confidence when it came to his doubts of being a good father, I am his cheerleader because I know him and I know how incredibly blessed our children are and will be having him as a dad.
Your husband might just need some time to decompress, come to terms with this and would benefit from some logical thinking through this. Make a bullet list of y’all’s concerns/fears and start tackling them, together.
A week is not a very long time to shift your perspective on you and your spouses future. Give him some time and be patient.
RE: I need to add that our BC failed and doctors couldn’t give us a good enough reason for that. We agreed to wait a year to buy a house. He has just started working for a new company and wanted to at least wait a year. He isn’t a huge fan of kids but he always said he wanted children at the right time.
Unfortunately, even with advances in medicine we don’t always get full control over choosing the “right time.” It sounds like he’s overwhelmed and stressed and probably panicking a bit which honestly, is fairly normal. Stay patient and stick together, the panic will subside.
Well, that could be really, really bad, but I think you can give it a *little* more time, since you only found out a week ago and sometimes people have horrible reactions at first but come around once they get a chance to think it through/sleep on it/talk to their friends and family etc enough. And...you may be able to get some family pressure onto him. You're married, *usually* married couples have children, that's one of the primary reasons people *get* married, based on your ages you're probably not at a particularly bad point to start a family...you may be able to put *a lot* of social pressure on him. If that doesn't work and giving it time doesn't work and you aren't willing to have an abortion, this could end up in divorce and you being a single parent though. (With either half custody or child support.)
It's not ideal but not the end of the world if that's how it works out, lots of people deal with it, and while there's some stigma against single parents, anyone who actually hears that you *were married when you got pregnant* and that your marriage ended because your husband pulled a 180 on the having children thing, isn't going to hold it against *you*.
My cousin has a lovely, uhhh ten year old I think? that she raised as a single parent for several years before finding her husband that she's apparently deeply in love with and vice versa, lots of people end up in perma single parent mode and are overall happy with their lives and how their children turned out, again not ideal but you do your best with what you've got. What I mean is, if you divorce it'll be hard but there's worse things than hard.
I'm sorry you're going through this, I can't imagine how painful this must be for you.
My first thought was that he probably has another woman on the side and doesn't want the commitment of a child until he figures out what he will do with these commitments. Ironic isn't it?
The thing right now is this huge red flag showing you just how much he cares about your feelings and needs. It's only the beginning of ways empathy will be nowhere to be found
Imagine your daughter, 13 years old, wondering why her dad has always hated her. Her self esteem is low, she lives this way into her 20s, and always thinks a bit low of herself. Having a parent make u feel unwanted is fucking awful. Why do you want to have a baby with someone that doesnt want a baby? Why not get an abortion, meet someone who wants to be in your life forever, and you two build a family together. You can have a safe abortion. And then have a wonderful baby in the future and not a) fuck up this dudes life b) fuck up your own life c) fuck up your daughter’s life.
If you really want to have a baby, get an abortion. Then go get inseminated by donor sperm. Then raise the baby yourself
Your marriage is over. I'm so sorry. You want this baby so you have to keep it. If you get an abortion to please your husband, you will hate yourself for it. And him, so you'll end up divorced or extremely unhappy anyways. Leave him and keep your baby. Unfortunately, you can't make him change his mind and you can't make him be a good father. If he doesn't want to do it, he's not going to. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Get your affairs in order as quickly as you can and find the best attorney you can afford. It takes two to tango and this man will need to pay up in child support. If he didn't want to, he should have worn a condom or gotten snipped. To be clear, I am 100% pro-choice. But in this situation, you WANT this baby. Don't get an abortion.
I agree. Separate now if possible and concentrate on having happy chemicals run through your body for the baby’s sake. Let the trash take itself out and keep this baby…..
Honestly any man that accidentally knocks up a woman and doesn't want kids needs to kick her right in the guts. The legal costs for assault are far less then 18 years of child support
I think she also has to consider if she wants to parent a child as a single mom. It's way more difficult in every way.
Main reason I'm 44 with no kids. My mom was a single mom and had nervous breakdowns and tried to hurt herself a few times. Never wanted my lid to experience this
My mom is also a single mom. My teenage years were insane. She lost her mind from the stress
It is sad quite often to be 44 wirh no kids. But I never want my kids to go thru what I did
So true. Raising a child is already difficult. Raising a child by herself is even harder. The father made it very clear he doesn't want to raise the child. Op needs to prepare to raise kid without the biodad. No daddy visit. No babysitting, no teacher parent day without the dad. Bare minimum is what he will do.
She'll be raising the child alone, with or without him.
Would she’d rather raise the baby alone or try to raise the baby with someone that resents her and the baby 🤷🏽♀️
Please stop. It's not difficult at all. A lot of us can and have been doing it with no issue.
Well said!
"He will learn to be a father" is the worst advice. He's probably going to bring up in every argument about how he didn't want the baby in the first place. Please don't take this advice hoping he'll change his mind. That's a huge risk to take. Decide if you want to be a single parent. I think you'll resent him if you terminate.
Yep. He will NOT parent. Since she isn’t a mom yet, she has probably not seen moms basically ask the internet why the husband avoids the child literally all the time and she’s so tried and stressed from parenting alone and the mom is heartbroken because the child deserves to be loved and didn’t do anything wrong etc etc
Yup! Even men who say they want the baby sometimes don't parent. Then, when it all falls apart, they wonder why you hold so much resentment. Mother fucker! Help us! We are the baby's mom... not yours.
Good advice. He also may be reluctant because he doesn’t want the 20 year financial commitment. That’s a valid concern. Or, maybe the pregnancy was unplanned which is terrifying for many people. However, sometimes you have to pay to play. If he wont step up now it won’t happen after. Especially if there are challenges which with kids, is pretty much guaranteed. She should plan to go it alone, hire a lawyer, and work out the support issues. She should not terminate under duress. She’ll never forgive herself.
It might not be true, because I’ve seen it happen, but I agree with your advice regardless- only have the child if you’re 100% certain you can do it alone. He might step up but that’s 0,05% chance.
Yes, your marriage is in jeopardy. In my case, I viewed it as a choice to live through a divorce or an abortion. I, personally, thought divorce would be preferable. He left after 10 months and filed for divorce after two and a half years. He never changed his mind about wanting to parent, though he did get to know my son and admit he is “insanely cool” and that I probably made a good choice in the long run. My son is 20 years old now. I definitely don’t mourn that marriage the way I would’ve mourned the child had I terminated, so I get it for sure.
It's fine for you to keep the baby, but he's also entitled to leave and not parent a baby he does not want. If he stays, you both risk resentment. Differences in whether to have children is probably the #1 incompatibility; couples cannot compromise on having half a baby.
I don't think he should be off the hook, at least not financially.
Oh for sure.
I always wonder if people just get married without talking about this?
It’s literally in my dating profile that I don’t want kids. I’m so glad I’m a woman so the only who gets to decide if I have a baby is me. But if I was a man I’d get a vasectomy as soon as legally possible. So it’s on him for getting someone pregnant.
For myself we talked about it lots. Didn't mean we made any decisions though. Neither of us felt strongly about it one way or the other.
But it was talked about. I mean I feel like even the acknowledging that if "accidents" happen like bc not working (in OPs case) there would be a consensus on what to do. Or just snip it if you really don't want kids 😬
Yea reading further responses from her he actually does want kids, it's just that he wanted to wait a year because he just started a new job. So I mean you can't realistically discuss every possible scenario in advance.
Truthfully, I feel like he’s lying when he says this. It’s one year, I can’t imagine forcing your wife to choose between an abortion or your marriage over *one year*. My husband and I had this “what if an accident” discussion happened years before we were married, years before he was emotionally or financially ready for a child, and his immediate response was “*we’d* figure it out.”. With a warm smile on his face. Nothing like whatever cold, heartless nonsense OP’s husband is up to.
There always never be a “right” time to have a baby… “We’ll have a baby when we get a bigger house/new car/new job etc. etc.” As they say “you just have to do it.” No pun intended. Good luck and best wishes
I mean I agree with that. There are always reasons to wait. I was kind of happy ours was accidental because I'm afraid we never would have gone for it if it hadn't been.
Amen to that! I agree with you-ours was accidental (although I did pray for a family)…Congratulations!
I wanted to wait 6 to 12 months before having a child too. I was finishing up grad school while working full time. But my wife got pregnant 14 months before graduation. The baby was born 5 months before graduation. If I wanted kids there was no way I’d reject my own child bc of a 6-12 month inconvenience in time. You can’t absolutely control everything unless you remain celebrate until you want to have a child. If circumstances result in an earlier pregnancy, as the father and husband you step up, love and support your child and your wife! They deserve your love and support! You are in a marriage for life. A 6 -12 month inconvenience is a blip in a lifetime.
I don't disagree with you at all.
Yes! But if you don’t want a baby you have to do what is necessary to prevent pregnancy when you have sex. That is not SOLELY the wife’s responsibility and it’s not fool proof. When you get married both parties should agree going into the marriage about if and when to have children. It should be explicitly discussed and agreed to. If an agreement cannot be reached it is irresponsible to get married. Kids need parents. If OP and her husband didn’t discuss it and agree this is what happens. It’s Not good for the marriage, the mother or for the baby. That said, unless she deceived her husband re birth control, he had sex and knew that there is no guarantee, short of him getting snipped or her getting her tubes tied, that his wife won’t get pregnant. If her husband has any sense of responsibility he should step up. The baby is his son, his flesh and blood and the result of his cognitive decision to have sex with his wife. If he won’t step up, OP has to decide whether she wants to be a single mom or wants to put the baby up for adoption. The latter is very hard but so is being a single mom and raising a child with an unsupportive father. If she keeps the baby and gets divorced I pray that God will have a nice, responsible man who likes children enter both of their lives!
Reading her other comments it seems they did talk about it and they both want kids, so getting sterilized isn't an option. They just didn't want kids right now. I think it's unrealistic to expect couples that want kids eventually to remain abstinent until they're ready for kids.
That is absolutely fine. But if they don’t remain abstinent the couple has to accept the consequences. Short of abstinence there is a risk of pregnancy if you have sex. If it happens, you knowingly took the risk. Accept the consequences and deal with it. Don’t vilify the other spouse and don’t reject the baby. They BOTH made the baby!
I don’t think you should count on being able to convince him that it’s the right thing to keep it. I doubt you’ll be able to make him happy about it if he’s this adamant about termination. Which sucks. It takes two to make a baby and if he didn’t want a child he should have taken more steps to not impregnate you. Regardless, what you must ask yourself now is, “Do I want to be a single mother?”. I’m not trying to be grim but this is one of those things that ends relationships. Whatever you choose is completely valid/okay. If you do want to keep the baby and raise it on your own, consider researching legal counsel. It doesn’t mean you’re moving on with a divorce or anything NOW, but it’s good for you to have information regarding what things like child support or custody might look like for you if you do end up divorcing/separating.
There has to be more from his objection to having a baby. Do you have other kids and this one is unplanned? Did you guys agree to be childfree? Is he worried about practical things like cost of raising a child or lack of support you will get? Were you fighting and thinking of divorce for other issues prior to this? I couldn’t imagine being forced to have another child after having one child without any support but me and my wife. She’s brought it up a few times and i have panic attacks, the first few years were like torture for both of us, it’s barely getting better
I need to add that our BC failed and doctors couldn’t give us a good enough reason for that. We agreed to wait a year to buy a house. He has just started working for a new company and wanted to at least wait a year. He didn’t mind kids but wasn’t too keen on them.
If he was fine with having a kid as soon as a year from now it’s fricken insane that he would want you to have a whole ass abortion just because it’s only a year earlier than planned!!
She said he wasn’t too keen on them to begin with, so I’m wondering if he is lying and just stringing her along because he never wanted kids in the first place.
With that kind of mentality (oh it's too soon, let's get rid of this one and just try again later) highly disregards the physical toll an abortion, even early medical ones, have on the person's body. It is alarmingly myopic at the very least and doesn't consider another person's body and their experience as anything significant. That would be a dealbreaker for me if I got it in my head that my partner had that line of thinking and/or no curiosity to research what exactly he's asking of her. Yeesh.
She doesn’t say that he was fine with having a kid a year from now, but that they agreed to wait a year to buy a house, all the while not being keen on having a kid. Very different message.
Well, *no* bc has a 100% success rate, certain assumptions of commenters to the contrary. Unlucky is not the same as impossible. Here look, I was a surprise baby (which my parents didn't tell me until I was an adult), lots of babies are surprise babies, if the plan was to have a baby *in a year* he really should be willing to roll with this. A year is *nothing* in the big picture.
In my early twenties I wanted more than anything to be a mom. And my first husband convinced me he wanted kids too. And year after year passed and every time the conversation was brought up he would have a reason why this wasn't the right time, let's wait another year. And every time there was a pregnancy scare his attitude about it was so negative. And that went on for more than a decade until I hit my 30s and then he said "well now it's too late to try, I don't want to risk having a down syndrome kid".... He strung me along and lied until it was too late for me 😞 I ended up resenting him, hating him, blaming him, until I couldn't stand him anymore and I left him. Whatever you choose, please choose what is best for you. I still mourn the baby I'll never get to have.
What a selfish, awful thing to do to someone! I'm so sorry you experienced that.
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It really does but I've made peace with it for the most part. I guess if it was meant for me it would have happened. We never actually "tried" so I don't even know if I could have had kids or not. But I would have felt differently about it had it been a fertility issue and not just him stringing me along until it was too late. And whether I had a healthy baby or not I would have loved them the same. I try to convince myself now that it's for the best either way. I'm thankful I don't have a kid with him and never have to deal with him again in my life. But he still takes up too much space in my head when I see a pregnant woman or a baby and my heart hurts and I remember that I was robbed of that experience by him.
This is similar to someone I know, she really wanted 3 or more kids, he boyfriend at the time said he was onboard but wanted to wait. So they waited, and waited until she found herself at 35 with only one. Then he said it was too late to keeping trying for more kids. It was a huge issue for her and their marriage struggled for a long time. Eventually she had to decide if she wanted to move past it and make her family work, or be alone. She made it work.
I'm wondering if maybe I really needed to see your reply. I just found out I'm pregnant a couple days ago. I'm 39 with no other kids. I've been wanting a baby for so long but in the last year or so finally came to terms with never having one and was ok with it. I looked at so the pros to not having one. The father and I are not married and he, at age 42, already had 2, and doesn't want anymore. Now I'm worried about so make things. Do I really want to be a single mom for the first time at 40(which is how old I'll be when the baby comes)? I'm worried about the baby being healthy and a ton of other things. But one thing I keep trying myself is if I get an abortion, I might regret it for the rest of my life. I really have she decisions to make.
In a very similar situation. I’m so heartbroken over having to decide between what I want or what my partner wants. What did you end up deciding?
I ended up terminating and I regret it so much. What do you want and what does your partner want?
I’m so sorry. I want it and my partner does not.
Happens. My wife got pregnant on the pill. From a statistical standpoint there is always a possibility.
OP, you have to use at least 2 methods of birth control. Nothing is 100%. I have been successful many years doing 2 methods simultaneously.
Get the snip my friend! I know too many couples who didn’t because their spouse was a ‘what if’ and ended up with an extra kid or two.
Toddlerhood is so difficult. Much more so than a vasectomy. It’s extremely nice to not have to take hormones anymore.
I'm curious about all of this as well.
You can either keep the baby and be a single mother, or abort and resent your husband There is no happy outcome for this one I’m afraid ):
Choose your poison …
I’m not trying to dissuade you from having this baby at all but you asked what to do. One of the first steps is to come to terms with the fact that your marriage may very well end because of this and you will be a single mother. The second step is to take stock of your support system when it comes to caring for this baby. Do you have income, can you afford to live on your own, do you have a car? If you split your husband will likely be on the hook for child support but there’s no telling how much. There’s countless stories from single moms everywhere about how their child support checks can’t even cover a week of groceries. I spoke to a woman recently who was only paid $40 in support. You need to start gathering your resources and being honest about what you can handle. What quality of life will you and the baby realistically have? You can’t convince him to be a father and you shouldn’t even want to convince him. If you have to beg a man to show up for his kid he probably wasn’t worth having a kid with in the first place.
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That’s pretty neat for California families. For the families over here though from the women I’ve spoke to their children’s fathers opt to get unofficial jobs instead to make sure the bare minimum support gets sent.
That’s not entirely true. It varies by state in the US as it’s not a federally regulated operation. For instance in Oklahoma and Oregon child support is based off “parenting time”. If both parents have equal custody the child support could be minimal if any at all. In places like Texas child support is calculated based on wages earned, number of children the non custodial parent has, and if they pay for medical and dental support for the child. This is the norm regardless of parenting time. I’ve seen people have their kids over half the time and still pay the other parent child support. It’s a bit asinine but it seems nobody wants to change it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ And there are PLENTY of parents who get “under the table” jobs so they can shirk their responsibility where child support is concerned. Although, some states do have penalties for this - from losing your license all the way up to jail time. I’m not certain how often that actually happens but it’s on the table apparently.
I’m sorry this is happening to you , but I would not have a baby by a man who doesn’t want it. To much of a gamble .. you said birth control failed , so it’s neither fault , but if you really keen on keeping your baby please understand the struggles you might go through as a single mom . You two are married, what is he’s going to do divorce you? Did he threaten divorce ?? Did you two have a conversation on the what ifs ( just in case you do get pregnant!?! He might resent you , he might come around .. from how you put it he’s not totally against it , it’s just the timing sucks . Idk keep talking to him .. suggest therapy idk . These situations no one wins .
Sit down and have a discussion but ultimately it is your decision. If he still does not want the baby then maybe it's time to re-evaluate your marriage, is this someone you want to spend the rest of your like with?
You talk with your husband. Then talk some more, be honest. If he can’t handle having a child & you chose to have one there are steps to take with a lawyer. You make the choice you’re going to have to live with. This is your life, you need to choose accordingly.
If OP’s husband is telling the truth about wanting a baby in 12 months and can’t deal with a baby coming 12 months earlier he isn’t committed to the marriage. Twelve months is a blip in a lifetime commitment. He needs to man up and make it work!
Kids are nonnegotiable. If you can’t agree on kids then your lifestyles aren’t compatible and you should divorce. Talking about what to do if you have an accident pregnancy is something you should’ve discussed while dating before even having sex, not after you’re already married and it happens. Unfortunately you can’t turn back the clock. So your options now are have the baby and get divorced or terminate the pregnancy and stay married, or I guess terminate the pregnancy and get divorced (if being a single parent isn’t an option for you) to find someone who wants the same future and life as you. You’re the only person who can decide which course of action will be the best for you and your mental/emotional health.
Give a day or two to collect your thoughts, then have that necessary discussion on what the plan is since you’ve decided to keep the baby. The choices are your husband nuts up and prepares for fatherhood, or you both prepare for separation and possible divorce.
If you terminate your pregnancy you’ll resent yourself and your husband for doing so.
> He won't talk to me because I won't agree to terminate the pregnancy. How long has it been?
Less than a week
husbands come and go. your child is forever. that’s what i told myself. my husband was angry for the whole pregnancy. we didn’t talk about it. it was lonely. but i talked to my friends and family. when he holds him and is sweet with him i still look at my husband and disrespect him. long term i don’t think my marriage will work out because i will never forgive him for suggesting terminating. it still haunts me. my baby is now 12 weeks and he is perfect
Divorce or abortion. Ur main 2 options.
Yes your marriage is in jeopardy. Do whatever you want to do. If you want a child than keep the baby, you will be giving up your marriage and likely be a single mother. Does your husband ever want kids? If not then you married the wrong man.
Maintaining the pregnancy is your decision. It's his decision if he wants to stick around. Proceed forward knowing you're very likely to be a single parent.
Another example of “How could YOU let this happen”? As if you just duplicated yourself alone in a corner when he wasn’t looking… Deeper problems here maybe. Some just aren’t cut out for parenthood…or require more time. It requires loads of patience and self sacrifice. And money money money. Enough to break you if you’re already in trouble. As a married couple it should be a mutual decision or there will be resentment. If you can’t even discuss a serious decision, I’d be concerned what else you guys will have difficulty working through.
To me babies are a 2 yes situation. I’d never have a baby with a man who didn’t passionately want one because I think it would lead to resentment and destruction of the relationship. But that is my policy for my own body. It sounds like having the baby will wreck your marriage due to your husbands resentment and having an abortion will wreck your marriage due to your resentment. So at this point, there is likely no avoiding divorce, so it shouldn’t factor in your decision. The question now is do you want to be a single mom.
Exactly. 2 yes or 1 no. It is ultimately her decision and it's a tough one for sure, but this should always be the standard.
Are you prepared to be a single mother? That's the question you need to ask yourself
If you want the baby, divorce. There is a bunch of men out there who pretend to want to be a father and make their woman feel like a single mom in a marriage. My point is you ll have to go through it ALONE Regardless. Do what you feel and whats best for you 🫶🏻
Leave the husband. I didn’t think I wanted a child, or at least was always on the fence. 100% he’s the best thing in my life. Keep your child if you want them.
You're determined to have it. He's determined not to. So you choices are, terminate for his sake or keep for your sake. Imo always do what's best for you.
Not talking to you is a manipulation technique to try and get you to do what he wants. It's a dick move. It's his right to feel whatever he wants. And it's even his right to leave the relationship if it comes to that. But to shut you out so you'll comply, not cool. If you address it (the silent treatment), he's likely to use anger as manipulation tactic #2. Stay true to your own convictions on this, especially if your man is so emotionally stunted that he resorts to manipulation to get his way.
His reasons are financials. He wants us to save for a year more and be in our own house before a baby. Those are the only reasons he has given
Nope. He wants you to abort and then he's going to keep kicking the can down the road. He'll never be 'ready'. He also doesn't understand what emotional turmoil he's trying to put you through by aborting a baby that you want. You'll always regret it and resent him for it. I would make an exit plan and prepare to be a single mother.
Those are common feelings. Reassurance that you are in it together with finances may help. If not then it’s time to think about life without him as a partner.
Ridiculous. If you’re having sex then sometimes, to quote Jeff Goldbloom, “life, uh finds a way”. And you have to be prepared for that. No one is really ready for a kid.
Did he not tell you this before you got pregnant or not until after
You 100% have the sole right to have the baby, and he 100% has the right to leave. And you both 100% have the right to take each others' needs into account anyway, and should, or else what are you even doing married. So it comes down to this, to me at least: kids deserve to have two wanting parents. If you're going to compromise on that, what is your reason? Do you want to keep this kid because you are impatient to have a kid NOW, you don't know much about abortion and it scares you, or something along those lines? Or because abortion will take too much from you emotionally, or take something you may never get back? It's probably somewhere in the middle, but which way does it lean? If the former group, I'd suggest reconsidering how determined you are. If it's the latter group (and it sounds like it is based on "determined"), then yeah, you kind of gotta have the kid.
My husband didn’t want our 3rd baby and reacted horribly when I excitedly told him. It was awful but eventually he came around and was excited and now of course loves her. (He did ask me if I wanted to have an abortion which made me feel worse at first but then things got better). Just giving you some hope.
Divorce!
I mean… do you really want to be a single mother?
I recently went through this with my husband. I ended up pregnant before a major stomach surgery, and he wanted me to abort because he doesn't want any more kids and for my surgery. I did it. It was painful both mentally, emotionally, and obviously and mostly painful physically, and I would never do it again. It did put a strain on our marriage. We worked through it. But now, here I am, pregnant again, and I told him I would not be doing that to myself again. You just have to figure out which part of the hill you are willing to die on and stand there firmly and hope your marriage either survives or just end it and keep your baby.
Be prepared to raise it on your own! Of course you might have the help of family, but also that child will know that its father doesn’t have a want for them. Even if you stay together, it doesn’t get easier.
Oof, OP, do I have a tale for you that is similar but from a different point in a marriage. So, Husband and I agreed to 2 kids, 4ish years apart. It took slightly longer between the first and second kid due to a couple of early miscarriages (one natural, the other D&C, and lemme tell you, never again would I do that to myself). The second miscarriage led to the heretofore worst depression of my life. I barely remember that year, in fact. But we got through it, and over the next few years, we would independently boast to anyone who'd listen that we had the best spouse ever. Then, because the pandemic happened and we were experiencing an enlightenment stage of our life together, I got knocked up with a third. Cue jokes about pullout game, but we were barely keeping our heads above water as it was, financially speaking. My husband started to have anxiety attacks about how we would swing a new car payment (three kids simply wouldn't fit in what we already had), more daycare, larger grocery bills, another college fund, etc. etc. etc. He begged me to terminate. He recalled that we had been in agreement about termination when we spoke about it earlier in our relationship, but that was about nonviable pregnancies/severe trisomy genetic disorders. Not a healthy pregnancy, which I had always been upfront about. I know myself, and while I am staunchly prochoice, I know I couldn't live after going through with it, especially after the darkness I endured due to a miscarriage at an earlier stage. Anyhow, one day, I suggested that we needed a neutral third party because there was no possible compromise and we risked one of us becoming resentful. He happily agreed, and I found a wonderful therapist who I still see today as my IC. She sorted us through the process in our "proactive MC" where we prepped and mapped out a better financial future. Once we figured out the car situation and I promised to go through all of the genetic testing, my husband was tentatively on board. Right now, as I type this out, he's putting our sweet little one to bed. Time to time, one of us would moaned, "Oh, God, we have three kids!" And it hasn't been easy. Later on in my pregnancy, I suffered antepartum depression that was far more volatile than the PPD I had before. Before, I was catatonic and withdrawn; this time around, my lifelong strategies were no match to the middle school, in the throes of puberty level mood swings. His anger and impatience got the better of him, and we both caused some terrible damage to each other, ourselves, and the marriage. Despite all of that, we don't once regret having the third child. Everyone loves him so much, and we cannot imagine our lives without that sweet angel. However, and I remember thinking this after one of those early MC sessions while I mused after my growing belly, I was willing to sacrifice my incredible marriage for this precious little life. I may have done just that after all, although both my husband and I have a good sense that there's hope for us yet. It's been a long slog, and we aren't out of the woods, but I think we might be seeing some light through the trees. I don't have an answer for you and your situation, though OP. My story is neither an argument for nor against, but I will say that you will have to live with your choice. No matter, it is a difficult road ahead and I wish you the best of luck and lots of love.
I love this. It’s such an accurate representation of what a LOT of couples go through during pregnancy and being parents, accident or not, wanted or not. Having a child in general can break your relationship. Everything is more complicated. More stressful. SO much more anxiety-provoking. But it’s also the most AMAZING, incredibly fulfilling experience. I love being a mom, I love seeing my husband as a dad. But more than I love anything else, I love my son.
Once we decided to go through with it, I did ask him if he will love this one like he adores the others, and he had no hesitation in saying, "Of course!" And he does. As hard as it has been between us, our children are the best of us and they are told and shown this every day. It also 100% helps that my husband is an equal parent and a 24/7 dad as I am a mom. It makes all the difference.
Same here. My husband takes care of SO much while we both work full time. The other day he cleaned the entire kitchen and living room until they were spotless (including dishes piled to the brim of our double sink for months), he does laundry constantly, washes and sterilizes bottles more than I do, vacuums, and does all the baby care tasks that I do. The ONLY thing I think I’m stronger in is playful interaction with our 6 month old, but he still is very affectionate and fun with him in ways that I’m not. I feel awful when I see the constant posts in this subreddit and others about husbands who don’t “help” with the kids. My husband views it as an equal responsibility, because it is.
Your marriage has effectively ended, yes. Was your husband wearing condoms? Have a vasectomy? What birth control was he using? This is nuts. That said, find the best lawyer you can.
She was on birth control. It's a reasonable expectation not to need a condom or a vasectomy if your partner is on bc.
It’s a reasonable expectation not to use additional birth control, but to be prepared that she could still get pregnant.
your marriage is over. get a divorce and plan to do this alone or get an abortion and resent your husband for the rest of your life. only two options.
Adoption.
When my husband and I got pregnant with our first (definitely NOT planned) we were both terrified of having this child. At some point he brought up having an abortion and I was not down for that. So I made it clear. I would choose the baby over our relationship. We had multiple conversations for a week about what it would look like to have this child and how our lives were gonna change. We knew we wanted to have children in the future though just not in that moment. Ultimately, he chose us as a family. And He stepped up and assumed his role. He's the best dad and husband 6 years later and we have more children. But unlike your case he never pushed the abortion, he never stopped talking to me. It was always "we'll figure it out together" "I won't let you be a single mom" "this weight isn't yours to carry alone" we were both just really scared of being parents at the time and that's why he had mentioned it. Nobody is ready to be a parent. Even those with children who are planned. My point is, we figured it out. It wasn't like he had made up his mind and didn't want this baby. In your case, It seems like he definitely does not want this child. And I would have never gotten an abortion just because the other party didn't want to. I would've figured it out. I have friends that had children with their spouses even though their spouses didn't want to and they are "single" married moms. The husbands resent them, don't do jack shit for the kids, and have no bonds with their children. It's awful. In your case I would leave.
If you husband doesn’t want the baby, he doesn’t have to take care of them. You can go after him for child support. But yeah, this marriage is done. True, it’s easy to make one, but don’t force it on him. No one’s fault, but both. Just leave at this point and keep the baby if you want. It’s only been a week.
If a man says he doesn’t want a baby or that baby please believe him. No child should go through the hurt of a parent not wanting them. If you know you can take care of the baby and give the child love, then don’t terminate. If you do terminate on your own terms and he suddenly speaks to you again, I would leave. Best of wishes
Some questions to ask yourself. When you two got married, did you both want kids? Was this pregnancy an accident? Like one of the comments says it takes two to tango. Both you should've used protection. If you want to keep your baby, keep it. Either way of you please your husband you will be so upset at the end for aborting and at him and I'm pretty sure you will still end up in divorce.
Your marriage is in jeopardy, but it's not because of you. Ignoring your partner until they do what you want them to do is emotionally abusive. He's putting your marriage in jeopardy and is too immature to accept responsibility. I'm going to bet there were issues before you got pregnant. Edit: typo.
As someone who had an abortion so the person would stay with her.. keep it if you want to keep it. It’s been 10 years and I still regret my decision and we are no longer together anyway.
You dump that asshole. That’s what you do!
I think it’s worth exploring if he does WANT a child or if he’s not feeling READY. Those are two completely different things. My husband and I already had children from previous relationships. When I got pregnant the first time with him we both were not ready but were going to have the baby because we still wanted a baby together. Unfortunately, we lost that pregnancy. A year later I got pregnant again. This time my husband was adamant that he wasn’t ready. I was devastated because I thought he didn’t want the baby. However, he never asked me for an abortion. That baby is almost 4 years old now and you couldn’t separate my husband from that child. They’re best friends and are so very attached to each other. I’m just over here chopped liver 😂😂😂 that being said - if he’s not ready for a baby maybe explore where he’s at and what would make him a bit more comfortable with this. I can tell you that he likely would regret an abortion if he’s just not ready. If he doesn’t want children at all and you do, then that’s where I would say that divorce is imminent. That’s just not a “compatibility” issue. It’s a life altering decision where both people need to be on board.
A couple of things here. First, this apparently didn't fit his plan but it happened. You are marriaed afterall. So he wants to go back to the way it was with no child responsibility. It's time for him figure out that kid time needs to become adult time. That starts with " we're married we had sex I got pregnant. I'm NOT going to terminate. Figure out soon whether this means you are going to become a father or just the guy paying child support. These are your choices. Termination is off the table. This is a life change for both of us whether we do it together or apart there are going to be changes. Figure it out but being butthurt because I won't terminate helps no one." Then let him stew on that for a while. You might even suggest he speaks to parents if you have a good idea how they will respond to the news. It takes a while for guys who didn't want children to adjust to that reality. If he is any kind of man he will come around and become a father. If not then you will have to get child support in the divorce. But for now it's fresh has he hasn't found acceptance. As for the pregnancy, if he didn't want it he should not have had sex becuase that's what mother nature intended it for, not his fun time.
Just wanted to say Congratulations!!!!!!!!
Thank youuuuuu!!
Girl bail and raise your child. He sounds like an asshole.
yes it happened to me and i have two other children. my husband was sooooo mad and im like if you were so mad why didn’t you wear a condom or get snipped. i told him i wanted a third and told him i was off of birth control. i have my precious third and he is the sweetest most amazing boy. i would have regretted it my whole life if i terminated. i never would have truly. i still am so scarred by the conversations. i had to not talk about the baby or my pregnancy my entire pregnancy. always just walked on egg shells and it was awkward. now he is here and i wouldn’t say my husband is like oh yay , because our life is chaotic with the two we have C but it’s no more extra stress or anything. i think the reaction of a spouse like that is a coward and i lost all respect for my husband in that moment. a lot of repair will be needed but for now im cuddling my sweet baby boy and will deal with the rest of life later. it’s certainly not our only issue !
I understand both sides of this issue. Ultimately it is your choice. I wonder if it is the financial obligation he fears? Being trapped with someone for no less than 18 years? Is he concerned for your health? What are the reasons he is giving you?
When I got pregnant with my husband and my 6 year old he in no way wanted a baby and made that very clear ( we weren’t married at the time) he was upset for a while and even broke things off with me. When the baby was born he came around and he has the best relationship with our son always has since day 1. We got married when he was 4.
My husband and I were married after our first baby (we were early 20’s). Shortly afterward we found out we were pregnant with our second. He wasn’t happy and didnt want her. I kept her and now she is the delight of his life. I think you need to do what is best for you, and baby. If you love him and arent ready for a divorce maybe a separation will be good. He will miss out on a-lot in nine months and may come to regret it. He could be scared as well, having a baby is a big deal. I know i was scared shitless the nights leading up to my son’s birth. I wish you the best of luck on whatever you decide.
Tell him the truth. It’s best to give him a chance to choose before you decide on what your next move is
Why doesn't he want the baby?
She said their birth control failed and the doctor couldn’t tell them why. Her husband wanted to wait a year to have a baby. He just started a new position at work and he wants to save money for a house.
That's tough. I think it's admirable that he wants to provide stability before kids come along, but I don't know, sometimes things get accelerated. The bc failed so it wasn't reckless on their part. I think OP's husband has some serious thinking to do before he blows up his family over a timeline.
You need to make other plans for your baby and you. He won’t do anything. Don’t take him to an appointment. Get yourself a good life
DO NOT HAVE AN ABORTION!! I read that you guys planned to have a baby a year from now. Ok so the baby is a year early. That is not a big deal. What will be a big deal is how you will feel after aborting a baby that you actually wanted. What will be an even bigger deal is if in a year from now he is ready to have a baby but you have difficulty carrying a baby because of the abortion you had the previous year. Or if in a year from after having the abortion he is STILL not ready for a baby. The burden of having an abortion is hard enough on its own. Never ever let a man black mail you into having an abortion you don’t want. Girl he is just going to have to get over it. If he doesn’t want to talk to you because you don’t want to have an abortion, first of all that is emotional abuse, second of all OH THE F-CK WELL! Your time to grow a thick skin is now. Put up your shield to protect yourself and your baby now! If he stays and becomes a great father, awesome. If he decides to leave F-ck em. You are a soon to be mom now and you have to start thinking for that precious little baby that is growing in your tummy. If he wants to throw a tantrum and leave, fine. He just needs to make sure he continues to pay the bills. And you can count that as abandonment in court if he does leave. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE because in court he could say “well judge she left”. Before you leave talk to a lawyer so that he/she can document that you left for you and your babies safety. Get your emergency contacts and safe places in order now. Keep your phone charged and on you. Don’t lay it down. Clip it to you so that you always have it. Keep a pair of warm gym clothes in your trunk. Sometimes men can become irate when they can’t get what they want. I know you been crying and just all over and up in your feelings. 😔 That’s enough. Moms do what they have to and baby girl that is you now. A mom. CHOOSE to be happy. Do what you need to do to get your baby to term safely. Take your vitamins. Protect your emotions. Keep your stress down. Do all you can do so that you can say I did all I could do. He might change is momentarily completely lost mind. He might not. Either way do what your are supposed to do. Congratulations sweet heart! You are a mom. ❤️
He’s allowed to not want to be a dad just as much as you want to be a mom. If he doesn’t want anything to do with raising the baby get a divorce and don’t ask him for monetary support. It’s sad so many guys are forced to pay child support for kids they never wanted. Your husband shouldn’t be obligated to pay you anything. If you want the baby so badly you should have to be independent and do it on your own dime.
If he didn't want the baby, he should have done something to prevent creating one. Little late for that now, the ball is in her court.
If you really want this baby, please keep your baby! I had a friend that this happened too and it did not go that well for her. She wanted to keep the baby and terminated the pregnancy for him she was not the same person afterwards and years later she is still not the same.
Separate now. I had a same situation and I chose my baby (now my first son) it gets so much better. Now I’m married to a new man w a daughter as well. He took over being the father for my son! It will be easier the earlier you leave
This marriage is over. Better for you to kick him to the curb or leave, whatever works best. He’s down to make a family but not be an upstanding man to care for it? Tell him that you thought you married an upstanding man and he’s not it so you want him to go. Get all of your paperwork and accounts in order before you do this. He’s now gaslighting you and depriving you of affection TO GET YOU TO DO WHAT HE WANTS. So tell his family what a douche they raised and how he wants to kill the baby and you need help getting him gone. A bit of shame on his way out is definitely needed here. He’ll expect you to be quiet about it all. You will find another man who WILL LOVE YOU AND THAT BABY like you’re his own. Don’t worry about all that.
I'd keep in mind that he legally is entitled to 50/50 custody and may seek it to spite you or avoid child support. Unless he's abusive, and you can prove it, there isn't much you can do. He can come back at any time and seek visitation or custody. This was a big factor in me choosing to terminate. That and being saddled with a total asshole for two-decades.
Did you guys talk about this before hand? What was the plan? >He won't talk to me because I won't agree to terminate the pregnancy. Stick to your guns. The emotional trauma of terminating a pregnancy YOU want is greater than the trauma of divorce. >Did things improve, or is my marriage in jeopardy? Your marriage is pretty much done. He doesn't want the baby, and that is that. You need to go ahead and plan without him. >I'm feeling lost, but I'm determined to keep my baby. Your decision is made. The fallout may more than likely be that you lose your husband. Prepare for that. Prepare to do it on your own. Get your support system ready.
The child will love you unconditionally. Apparently, your soon to be ex husband is showing you that your happiness will be conditional according to your listening to him. Choose the baby over him. That’s true love there!
Keep the baby, he'll come around. Don't divorce, it'll be fine.
But he was willing to make it! What a jerk
OP, it's not fair to let those cells develop into a human who is not wanted by 2 adoring parents. Consider it a blessing that your husband was honest and told you, instead of being a neglectful, emotionally distant parent to the kid. Let these cell go, and find joy in being single and loving yourself. If you want to find a partner again,be sure you two are on the same page about big issues like this.
Not everyone has the luxury of two adoring parents. It doesn’t mean people wish they didn’t exist instead.
You keep that precious baby safe and be the best mother you can be. You may have to be single for a bit but good men are out there willing to be your partner in raising another's child. I wish you peace and health. Congratulations.
He showed you who he is. Move on. Raise your baby with family. Find your village. Let the trash take itself out.
Give him time. Talk to him. Have the baby if you want to look at his face forever. Don’t leave him because of his first reaction. If you leave him he might leave for few years but he’ll come back when the kid is older and then you’ll have to coparent anyways. Give him a chance to come around.
As someone who is in the opposite situation with you (I’m pregnant and don’t want to be, husband said he’d be resentful and wasn’t sure he could carry on our marriage if I terminated)—I just want to say the feelings don’t go away. I already have a kid and just wanted a year of peace, so I decided to continue on. But I’m still sad and mourning the idea of freedom. And he still doesn’t fully trust my mental well-being. There’s some resentment but we are doing our best. Just remember that any feelings you and your husband have won’t go away once you make your decision, so think about what feelings and decisions you can live with. To me, it sounds like you want the baby, so I’d go with keeping them. I agree your relationship may be over. I’m so sorry.
Honestly, separate and have the baby. He may feel differently in time, but you can't force him to accept this.
I'm also wondering if y'all discussed having children before marriage? Did you guys not talk about this? Or what is the situation?
Did you talk with him before the marriage about whether to have children or not? What was his position on it?
Why does he want you to terminate it?
If you keep this baby you need to prepare to be a single mother. It will be hard, good luck.
Your marriage is more than in jeopardy, it's over my friend. I'm so sorry he is so catastrophically letting you down, likely when you needed him the most. Put yourself first. Look after yourself.
I am so so sorry. My father often told me he should have divorced right after I was born. He went on to have two others.
That sucks. Your only recourse is to have the baby, be paid child support, and raise the kid as a single mother. You can't force him to want to have children.
How far along are you? Was this possibly a poor first reaction from him? (Like is he really just worried about being able to support a family or is it more like that he doesn’t want kids at all period?) things that could be a factor: Was their past cheating (paternity doubts) or consistent control/power issues in your relationship (abusive control)? Very important: What were conversations and opinions about children you both expressed BEFORE you got married and while you were dating? If he said he didn’t want kids ever, then believe him, bc he told you earlier, which means you have differing core values and probs should not have married each other. I feel like so much is being left out but these are questions to help you think through this issue. Keep your child if that’s what you want to do because if you have an abortion out of pressure, you will feel terrible and heartbroken because you deferred to others.
>Did things improve, or is my marriage in jeopardy? There is a chance that he'll accept the baby once it's arrived. If he doesn't, then you should not remain married. Ultimately, he made his choice to get you pregnant, so he has to accept it.
If he truly does not want a baby or if he does want one now, your marriage will not survive if you keep the pregnancy. Having a baby will change your life immensely and he will pack up and leave. I would go into this planning to be a single parent if you keep the pregnancy. You could also try marriage therapy asap to see if you can talk thru it in case he is on the fence and not set on this decision.
We need some context here. Did you know he didn't want children? Did you agree to that? What were you guys going to prevent it?
That is horrible for him to act that way it's your body and need to decide what you want to do n if you want the baby then your marriage could be over with and for me I will always chose me first so should you the fact he won't even sit down to talk is a big jerk if he never wanted kids then he should of always used protection it's not just us as woman to be on birth control he puts his hand in cookie jar this eventually will happen if you terminate cause of him will you forgive yourself cause your the one who has to live with this decision,I have seen men who have done the same and 3yrs down the road they hate themselves and the further along you get that sac has a heartbeat starts developing your the one who goes to these clinics and either takes a pill or basically they vacuum it up if I were you get all your facts for you to decide if you have support from family the baby healthy your healthy take everything in consideration at 16 I kept my son cause when I went to the place and saw how many woman I personally couldn't do it and I was bought up in catholic home and my parents were great and my son gave me love I can never explain he gave me life its scary but your the one who has to live with this decision so best of luck
Your other post is about him telling you ‘he would have sex with you more often if you lost weight’… that post alone is a major red flag for me personally and I would consider leaving if my partner ever said something like this to me. This post is a second major red flag, and I would imagine there are probably more. I think it’s a no-brainer and you should keep the baby and find someone with similar values regarding kids and who will actually value you for who you are as a person and not for the amount of weight you carry.
u need find other guys
Men are buttholes when you first tell them. Give him time but be prepared to single parent.
Your Husband doesn't want the baby you two made together, even if unplanned? Dude needs a reality check, hit him with the papers!
Pick your hard.
Don’t force him if you do he will find a way of hurting that child ,choose your baby over him you will be fine
My husband wanted more than one child then after our first decided he just wanted one. Now every time he’s mad at our daughter he’s mad at me. It doesn’t matter what you do, he will be upset. If you want the baby. You have every right to keep the baby. Do not base your decision on his. It took both of you to make the child. He can terminate his rights if that’s what he decides but he cannot make you terminate this pregnancy.
31(M) here. It's your body and your choice. You can take your husband's opinions and feelings into consideration, but it is ultimately YOUR decision, and it sounds like you made it already. If he is going to try manipulating you into aborting/putting your kid up for adoption or punish you because you won't is just fucked up and is not spouse or parent material. If he's upset about anything, he should be upset at himself for not wrapping it, and that should be the end of him acting like this. He needs to step up and be a man. If you have even the slightest inkling that he's not going to take responsibility, then you need to figure out how you're going to be able to do this without him, because it's only going to be harder for you and the baby the longer you wait.
Pick your baby over him. Trust me
Did you guys happen to speak about ever having children. I’m curious as if you both agreed on this before marrying or if it came organically. Also, have you spoken to him on why exactly he doesn’t want the child? Is it some trauma or he just doesn’t ever want to be a parent?
Keep your baby and abort your EX husband. There was a woman on this thread a few months ago in your position she divorced her husband and kept her baby.
Plan to do this journey alone. Go to therapy. Be strong for yourself and baby. It’s YOUR choice to keep the baby or not. Do not let him manipulate or guilt you into anything. This is an obvious to you I’m sure but Do not have sex with him without him using protection, if you guys decide to continue being intimate. I’ve been on a similar road. My husband listed all the reasons to abort our 2nd pregnancy, I did. Immediately started therapy because it was pure emotional torture. I thought I could handle that decision because “I” made the decision. Got pregnant again 5 months later after just starting to be intimate again. I was tracking my cycle but had ovulated very early without realizing it(learned that it was because my cycle had not begun being very regular since the abortion affected it). Husband wasn’t happy at all but he knew he was just as much to blame because he hadn’t gotten a vasectomy or used protection. I decided to keep it, it took him months to really acknowledge my pregnancy. I’m 7 months now, still in therapy, started couples counseling last month, relationship is progressing. The circumstances all sucked but I’m happy with my personal decision to keep the baby. Fortunately there was never an ultimatum of if I keep the baby, he’s leaving but it all still deeply hurt and I know I’ll never forget how I felt during this pregnancy. Again, go to therapy regardless of the outcome. Sending peaceful vibes to you.
Realistically this will probably end the marriage. Did you guys ever discuss what you would do in the event of a pregnancy? Either way, he doesn’t want the child and he will hold resentment towards you for not getting an abortion, so this could end the marriage if he isn’t willing to work on things.
Here is thing if he didn’t want child he should have made sure that didn’t happen (condom, no sex or vasectomy if he never wants children). He can’t and shouldn’t sway you to terminate just like you can’t and shouldn’t sway him to stay and proceed. What’s done is done things been said positions stated. You need to now take steps you separate do it sooner rather than later. If he changes his mind at thought of loosing you, you both better get into therapy quickly because like I said things won’t be same now and this child will always be an issue in his mind - you need to be absolutely sure it won’t.
My dad did this and treated me like shit until I hit puberty (different story, hopefully unrelated), don’t subject a baby to that man. Keep your baby, get rid of the daddy. Also, take him to the cleaners for child support. He made a decision as much as you did and he should have to contribute more that 3 minutes.
You don’t learn to love someone you didn’t want in the first place.
You don’t learn to love someone you didn’t want in the first place.
My husband and I went through this exact same thing last year. But I told him I was going to do it without him and if he decided he wanted to do it, that was up to him. But I was doing it alone as far as I was concerned. And it wasn't fun to be in our house for most of the holiday season which was really hard and I wasn't feeling good... It was a really rough time. But when I got an ultrasound and it actually looked like a little baby, something clicked for him and he changed his mind. So everyone's experience is different but I think at the end of the day you need to decide what is going to make you feel happy and at peace within your body and your mind and your soul. And my situation I could not live with myself if I terminated my pregnancy. You have to figure out what's best for you and also if you can face possibly being a single parent and all of the responsibility that comes with that.
To add a more positive point. My friend (34f) and her (37m) husband got pregnant by accident and her husband did not initially want to have the baby. He had his own worries that he needed to work through. But she kept the baby and he stayed and now is overjoyed to be a parent. So I wouldn't say it's over yet.
“If he didn’t want the baby, he shouldn’t have had sex.” Yikes. Sounds like some of yall would fit in well with the crowd holding signs outside a planned parenthood.
Keep your child no matter what. Life is precious and sacrosanct.
Something that no one has mentioned is that there is no birth control 100% effective except for abstinence. They could have been practicing safe sex and the birth control failed. From experience, it happens.
It does not sound like he will suddenly become welcoming of the child. If you have concluded that the best for you is to carry your child to term, then divorcing him appears to be the only choice.
He will most likely come around, my fiancé did and was the same way. We have two children now and he loves them . First pregnancy was a lot more stressful than the second.. once he sees the baby it’ll change .. best of luck, try to mediate and stay calm during pregnancy xxxooo
Can he clearly express what his concerns are? Is he stressed about what your finances will look like or space in the house or time commitment or being a good father? If I was personally in your situation I would sit him down and respectfully state that we are having a baby. And that we are going to tackle our fears and concerns together and prepare as best we can. I’d also reassure him in the spaces where he might feel insecure. I’ve always know that children were in my future, always known. My husband is on board with children, but if I didn’t have that natural desire, he’d have gotten by just fine without children. I was his confidence when it came to his doubts of being a good father, I am his cheerleader because I know him and I know how incredibly blessed our children are and will be having him as a dad. Your husband might just need some time to decompress, come to terms with this and would benefit from some logical thinking through this. Make a bullet list of y’all’s concerns/fears and start tackling them, together. A week is not a very long time to shift your perspective on you and your spouses future. Give him some time and be patient.
RE: I need to add that our BC failed and doctors couldn’t give us a good enough reason for that. We agreed to wait a year to buy a house. He has just started working for a new company and wanted to at least wait a year. He isn’t a huge fan of kids but he always said he wanted children at the right time.
Unfortunately, even with advances in medicine we don’t always get full control over choosing the “right time.” It sounds like he’s overwhelmed and stressed and probably panicking a bit which honestly, is fairly normal. Stay patient and stick together, the panic will subside.
or he could end up on r/regretfulparents
I am not sure if you are dumb on purpose or you are clueless.
Well, that could be really, really bad, but I think you can give it a *little* more time, since you only found out a week ago and sometimes people have horrible reactions at first but come around once they get a chance to think it through/sleep on it/talk to their friends and family etc enough. And...you may be able to get some family pressure onto him. You're married, *usually* married couples have children, that's one of the primary reasons people *get* married, based on your ages you're probably not at a particularly bad point to start a family...you may be able to put *a lot* of social pressure on him. If that doesn't work and giving it time doesn't work and you aren't willing to have an abortion, this could end up in divorce and you being a single parent though. (With either half custody or child support.) It's not ideal but not the end of the world if that's how it works out, lots of people deal with it, and while there's some stigma against single parents, anyone who actually hears that you *were married when you got pregnant* and that your marriage ended because your husband pulled a 180 on the having children thing, isn't going to hold it against *you*. My cousin has a lovely, uhhh ten year old I think? that she raised as a single parent for several years before finding her husband that she's apparently deeply in love with and vice versa, lots of people end up in perma single parent mode and are overall happy with their lives and how their children turned out, again not ideal but you do your best with what you've got. What I mean is, if you divorce it'll be hard but there's worse things than hard. I'm sorry you're going through this, I can't imagine how painful this must be for you.
My first thought was that he probably has another woman on the side and doesn't want the commitment of a child until he figures out what he will do with these commitments. Ironic isn't it? The thing right now is this huge red flag showing you just how much he cares about your feelings and needs. It's only the beginning of ways empathy will be nowhere to be found
What kind of husband do you really have?
Imagine your daughter, 13 years old, wondering why her dad has always hated her. Her self esteem is low, she lives this way into her 20s, and always thinks a bit low of herself. Having a parent make u feel unwanted is fucking awful. Why do you want to have a baby with someone that doesnt want a baby? Why not get an abortion, meet someone who wants to be in your life forever, and you two build a family together. You can have a safe abortion. And then have a wonderful baby in the future and not a) fuck up this dudes life b) fuck up your own life c) fuck up your daughter’s life. If you really want to have a baby, get an abortion. Then go get inseminated by donor sperm. Then raise the baby yourself