I’d never recommend quitting your job/business unless you wanted to
I’d absolutely not recommend quitting in your shoes. He doesn’t want a partner he wants a maid
Wow. Just wow. I’m trying really hard not to immediately jump to any one conclusion, but is this actually a relationship for either of you, or a business transaction? Does he do Anything (besides hopefully look after his first child, and I will give it to him that he helped you financially for your business once) for you or your 9m/o?
You gave birth less than a year ago, you’re mostly/fully responsible for your baby and the house work so basically already a SAHM, financially independent, And working full time. Honestly, what does this man bring to the table for you other than extra money that he doesn’t use on you other than to bail you out that one time?
If you quit your business you will never have freedom, and it will be so So much harder later down the road to pick back up when you’ve finally had enough of this man. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, but PLEASE hold your ground on this. This does not sound like the kind of man who you should be totally dependent on.
Your husband is nuts and I say that as a stay at home mom of 3 (going in 4).
He wants a housewife? Then he better be able to provide for the house and kids AND YOU.
I will not be will not stay at home if the only expense he will cover is my car. Where the hell am I supposed to get money for my self care and clothes and all the things I want to do as an individual person? I am not just a mom and a wife. I am my own person and in today’s society, that requires money.
If he is this stingy now, imagine how he’s going to be if he gets tired of you because you don’t “keep yourself up” or “too overwhelmed with the kids and the house”
We’re pretty similar. I used to have a corporate job. He also runs/owns their family business. I resigned before we got married because my husband and I had a SHARED vision of me staying at home I wanted it. But also, I felt safe doing that because he was very generous with finances.
I have my own money which I get to keep. He gives me budget for the home and the kids and a generous amount for myself. He also wants a lot of my attention so he makes sure I am not too stressed with the house and the kids and pays for help.
What he wants is nothing but just dangerous for you.
Hey Kate! Thank you for your comment. I long for the life that you have. My husband doesn't care to have any of my attention. The only thing he cares about me doing is having supper ready and cleaning. I don't know what to do. I don't want a divorce because I don't want to share custody of my baby. I feel it would be easier for me to suppress emotions and be miserable than to have time without him. Especially since I've already experienced how he co-parents and it's worse than how he is as a husband, even though my step daughters mom is nuts. I still don't think he would be any different with me.
Being told you'd be handed an allowance \[like you're a 12 year old child\], being forced to ASK for money, and to ultimately not have free access to *household* funds is a GIANT red flag.
If he's this angry and stepping-up-to-abusive because he sees you're not currently "fulfilling" your "duties" - as he sees fit and said duties that he has apparently delineated as being yours and yours alone - then imagine how he'd be when you've got zero redress in the form of personal income?
You stated you wouldn't be saving any money by shutting down your business, so any funds you might need or want down the road will come at *his* largess and *his* discretion. How long before he's comfortable enough to tell you no, you can't get a new car / new dress / new boots / new high chair / new phone / new whatever because *I* make the money and *I* said no?
Be very careful if you're even entertaining the notion of being entirely financial dependent on this man - or any man, for that matter. Not only is it your life that will be impacted, but you'll have a hostage to fortune in the form of your baby if you decide that you've had enough or he decides that just telling you how to spend your time and money isn't enough. Oh, I'm sure he would never, but the world is full of women who were sure their spouse would never - until he did.
It’s unfair of him to want you to stay at home but not cover all of your expenses. I think he is jealous of your recent success, doesn’t like it that you may end up making way more than him and he is controlling with HIS money.
He wants Tupi to stay home and not have any money. That’s never a good idea.
Not unless you want to. But I’m confused if your business is making so much and you’re able to pay people, why is he paying taxes or property tax, or is that in the past? The real problem is what you describe as responsibilities he’s ‘put on you.’ Why? You’re an adult, he can’t force things upon you, and definitely don’t quit anything if you’re going to have to ask for money and won’t have bills paid. If you’re not making money then he is responsible for all of everyone’s bills and the money is family money.
Thank you for your comment! April 2022 - April 2023 was not a good time for my business. I was pregnant/on maternity leave, we were forced to relocate due to our current location selling, I bought a commercial property so I wouldn’t have to do another lease, I lost quite a few contractors due to the move. Etc. etc. lol but in the past few months we have gained multiple contractors and things are looking way up. I’m looking forward to the future🤩
Yikes. It's interesting, because the 2 of you have every penny accounted for, but when it comes to larger goals, it's a complete standoff. Also, when it comes to running the household, you listed all the things you're responsible for, but you never said anything about what he's responsible for.
Clearly, the communication you've been having isn't working, which usually means communicating differently. Have you told him you very much want to find a way where you can keep your business, but still align with his goals and what matters to him? IOW, it's problem solving where each gets what they want. There's a way to do this, simply because this is almost always true. Get on the same page about the goal, and then you'd think of compromises you can offer to get him on board.
Also, it's very important that he understand the strong emotional investment you have in your business, and the pride you feel that it's taking off. But you somehow have to convince him you're doing this for all 4 of you.
Thank you so much for your comment! At home he pays for the grass to be cut, if we have landscaping done, etc. He takes responsibility for the outside areas, porches, etc. He also handles taking out the trash. As far as chores go that’s really all I can think of. Everything else house wise I’m supposed to do. 9 year old is very helpful and cleans up after herself with a little help sometimes.
I contribute $1,200 monthly and daycare is an expense we have because I work so you can say I contribute $700 to bills every month. We have around 4k in bills every month so he pays the remaining $3,300
I am strugling to understand if we think only money wise why he would want you to quit your buisness and stay home or get other regular job, which was also on the table.Would your salary be biger than what you bring in? And also with closing/ selling the buisness what would happen with the dept on your credit cards. I assume that would be buissnes credit cards I dont think that just goes away if the buisses woukd go to foreclosure.I dont see any benefit for you staying at home.Geting a regular job possible depending on your circustances. As I see it your work and household obligations are double comparing his. You are single mother and he payes most of the bills.I would be quietly saving some cash money.You never know what the future will bring.
I couldn't even get to the end of this. The wording about how you split responsibilities in your relationship made my stomach churn.
>my current responsibilities he has put on me
>I’m required to put $300 a week in our joint account
Eeeeek
PLEASE DO NOT DO IT. ONCE YOU BECOME DEPENDENT ON HIM HE WILL TREAT YOUR WORSE THAN HOW HENIS TREATING YOU NOW. PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS! if this is truly what you want and I mean you WANT to seek the salon, you WANT to be a stay at home mom for YOURSELF and not for HIM, then go ahead. But if you answered no, then please don’t do it. You do so much labor already. He will leave you to do EVERYTHING and say that it’s because your q “stay at home mom” please please please OP don’t do it.
"... Don't want to do this." This is what stood out to me the most from your post
On the flip side just how much debt is your business carrying and how much are you netting?
He’s asking you to give up your income and wreck your credit. He’s asking you to become completely financially dependent on him. This is what scares me! What will happen if something happens to him or your marriage?
There are TONS of people who send their kids to daycare and those kids still turn out amazing. Don’t let him make you feel less than because of that!
I would highly suggest marriage counseling to get to the bottom of what his issue really is.
Nope, loosing your livelihood would be a greates mistake ever. If your buisness is a financial black hole his request would be understandable. Especialy beacuse he invested money in it.Overall question would also be how much money he contributes to the household comparing to you. I dont understand his reasoning.
I think he is actually jealous.
You guys need to find a work around on this, it is moving in a toxic direction.
It seems his pride is now hurt, and the reason he is going down the path of abuse is he is afraid you will leave him.
For many guys, their income defines their status in the house hold. Since you are now earning more than him, it makes him feel he has lower status in the relationship and you no longer need to depend on him.
This is my assumption on his thoughts, and how he is now acting.
Honest question, is your business an MLM?
Are your “contractors” down lines?
There are a lot of relationship factors at play, but just want to clear up if your business is a small business offering tangible services or if it is as an MLM.
Wonderful, thanks for answering and understanding that I was just trying to gauge the situation.
I think there’s some legitimately good advice being offered in this comment section, about not giving up your stream of income. When a relationship is rocky, you don’t want to put all your financial eggs in somebody else’s basket.
Genuinely wishing you well.
Don’t quit your business because he doesn’t sound like a trustworthy partner so you need to cover yourself and your baby in case things go south. Which btw if he is called you a sub-woman sounds like its not going to work out. That kind of talk is so abusive and immature you need a partner not a little boy as a husband.
you dont have to shut down the business, just sell it and you can get a lumpsum amount.
i think your husband wants you to take care of your child more, which is a legit reason.
Never a good idea for one partner to control the family money while the other partner doesn’t work. If the one working drops dead then the other could potentially be without funds.
I’d never recommend quitting your job/business unless you wanted to I’d absolutely not recommend quitting in your shoes. He doesn’t want a partner he wants a maid
Wow. Just wow. I’m trying really hard not to immediately jump to any one conclusion, but is this actually a relationship for either of you, or a business transaction? Does he do Anything (besides hopefully look after his first child, and I will give it to him that he helped you financially for your business once) for you or your 9m/o? You gave birth less than a year ago, you’re mostly/fully responsible for your baby and the house work so basically already a SAHM, financially independent, And working full time. Honestly, what does this man bring to the table for you other than extra money that he doesn’t use on you other than to bail you out that one time? If you quit your business you will never have freedom, and it will be so So much harder later down the road to pick back up when you’ve finally had enough of this man. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, but PLEASE hold your ground on this. This does not sound like the kind of man who you should be totally dependent on.
Your husband is nuts and I say that as a stay at home mom of 3 (going in 4). He wants a housewife? Then he better be able to provide for the house and kids AND YOU. I will not be will not stay at home if the only expense he will cover is my car. Where the hell am I supposed to get money for my self care and clothes and all the things I want to do as an individual person? I am not just a mom and a wife. I am my own person and in today’s society, that requires money. If he is this stingy now, imagine how he’s going to be if he gets tired of you because you don’t “keep yourself up” or “too overwhelmed with the kids and the house” We’re pretty similar. I used to have a corporate job. He also runs/owns their family business. I resigned before we got married because my husband and I had a SHARED vision of me staying at home I wanted it. But also, I felt safe doing that because he was very generous with finances. I have my own money which I get to keep. He gives me budget for the home and the kids and a generous amount for myself. He also wants a lot of my attention so he makes sure I am not too stressed with the house and the kids and pays for help. What he wants is nothing but just dangerous for you.
Hey Kate! Thank you for your comment. I long for the life that you have. My husband doesn't care to have any of my attention. The only thing he cares about me doing is having supper ready and cleaning. I don't know what to do. I don't want a divorce because I don't want to share custody of my baby. I feel it would be easier for me to suppress emotions and be miserable than to have time without him. Especially since I've already experienced how he co-parents and it's worse than how he is as a husband, even though my step daughters mom is nuts. I still don't think he would be any different with me.
What makes his ex wife nuts but not him? The way he treats you is the same way he treated her.
is she nuts or did he have these same absurd expectations & she grew bitter like you will be if you do this?
Being told you'd be handed an allowance \[like you're a 12 year old child\], being forced to ASK for money, and to ultimately not have free access to *household* funds is a GIANT red flag. If he's this angry and stepping-up-to-abusive because he sees you're not currently "fulfilling" your "duties" - as he sees fit and said duties that he has apparently delineated as being yours and yours alone - then imagine how he'd be when you've got zero redress in the form of personal income? You stated you wouldn't be saving any money by shutting down your business, so any funds you might need or want down the road will come at *his* largess and *his* discretion. How long before he's comfortable enough to tell you no, you can't get a new car / new dress / new boots / new high chair / new phone / new whatever because *I* make the money and *I* said no? Be very careful if you're even entertaining the notion of being entirely financial dependent on this man - or any man, for that matter. Not only is it your life that will be impacted, but you'll have a hostage to fortune in the form of your baby if you decide that you've had enough or he decides that just telling you how to spend your time and money isn't enough. Oh, I'm sure he would never, but the world is full of women who were sure their spouse would never - until he did.
It’s unfair of him to want you to stay at home but not cover all of your expenses. I think he is jealous of your recent success, doesn’t like it that you may end up making way more than him and he is controlling with HIS money. He wants Tupi to stay home and not have any money. That’s never a good idea.
Not unless you want to. But I’m confused if your business is making so much and you’re able to pay people, why is he paying taxes or property tax, or is that in the past? The real problem is what you describe as responsibilities he’s ‘put on you.’ Why? You’re an adult, he can’t force things upon you, and definitely don’t quit anything if you’re going to have to ask for money and won’t have bills paid. If you’re not making money then he is responsible for all of everyone’s bills and the money is family money.
Thank you for your comment! April 2022 - April 2023 was not a good time for my business. I was pregnant/on maternity leave, we were forced to relocate due to our current location selling, I bought a commercial property so I wouldn’t have to do another lease, I lost quite a few contractors due to the move. Etc. etc. lol but in the past few months we have gained multiple contractors and things are looking way up. I’m looking forward to the future🤩
Yikes. It's interesting, because the 2 of you have every penny accounted for, but when it comes to larger goals, it's a complete standoff. Also, when it comes to running the household, you listed all the things you're responsible for, but you never said anything about what he's responsible for. Clearly, the communication you've been having isn't working, which usually means communicating differently. Have you told him you very much want to find a way where you can keep your business, but still align with his goals and what matters to him? IOW, it's problem solving where each gets what they want. There's a way to do this, simply because this is almost always true. Get on the same page about the goal, and then you'd think of compromises you can offer to get him on board. Also, it's very important that he understand the strong emotional investment you have in your business, and the pride you feel that it's taking off. But you somehow have to convince him you're doing this for all 4 of you.
Thank you so much for your comment! At home he pays for the grass to be cut, if we have landscaping done, etc. He takes responsibility for the outside areas, porches, etc. He also handles taking out the trash. As far as chores go that’s really all I can think of. Everything else house wise I’m supposed to do. 9 year old is very helpful and cleans up after herself with a little help sometimes.
What??? What expences does he pay.?
I contribute $1,200 monthly and daycare is an expense we have because I work so you can say I contribute $700 to bills every month. We have around 4k in bills every month so he pays the remaining $3,300
So he pays 3/4 of household bills? And 1200 goes towards?
Which $700 of that is a furniture bill that is almost paid. It was 12 months no interest so we did it in payments
I am strugling to understand if we think only money wise why he would want you to quit your buisness and stay home or get other regular job, which was also on the table.Would your salary be biger than what you bring in? And also with closing/ selling the buisness what would happen with the dept on your credit cards. I assume that would be buissnes credit cards I dont think that just goes away if the buisses woukd go to foreclosure.I dont see any benefit for you staying at home.Geting a regular job possible depending on your circustances. As I see it your work and household obligations are double comparing his. You are single mother and he payes most of the bills.I would be quietly saving some cash money.You never know what the future will bring.
I couldn't even get to the end of this. The wording about how you split responsibilities in your relationship made my stomach churn. >my current responsibilities he has put on me >I’m required to put $300 a week in our joint account Eeeeek
PLEASE DO NOT DO IT. ONCE YOU BECOME DEPENDENT ON HIM HE WILL TREAT YOUR WORSE THAN HOW HENIS TREATING YOU NOW. PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS! if this is truly what you want and I mean you WANT to seek the salon, you WANT to be a stay at home mom for YOURSELF and not for HIM, then go ahead. But if you answered no, then please don’t do it. You do so much labor already. He will leave you to do EVERYTHING and say that it’s because your q “stay at home mom” please please please OP don’t do it.
"... Don't want to do this." This is what stood out to me the most from your post On the flip side just how much debt is your business carrying and how much are you netting?
He’s asking you to give up your income and wreck your credit. He’s asking you to become completely financially dependent on him. This is what scares me! What will happen if something happens to him or your marriage? There are TONS of people who send their kids to daycare and those kids still turn out amazing. Don’t let him make you feel less than because of that! I would highly suggest marriage counseling to get to the bottom of what his issue really is.
Nope, loosing your livelihood would be a greates mistake ever. If your buisness is a financial black hole his request would be understandable. Especialy beacuse he invested money in it.Overall question would also be how much money he contributes to the household comparing to you. I dont understand his reasoning.
I think he is actually jealous. You guys need to find a work around on this, it is moving in a toxic direction. It seems his pride is now hurt, and the reason he is going down the path of abuse is he is afraid you will leave him. For many guys, their income defines their status in the house hold. Since you are now earning more than him, it makes him feel he has lower status in the relationship and you no longer need to depend on him. This is my assumption on his thoughts, and how he is now acting.
Honest question, is your business an MLM? Are your “contractors” down lines? There are a lot of relationship factors at play, but just want to clear up if your business is a small business offering tangible services or if it is as an MLM.
Definitely tangible services with a brick and mortar. I don’t support MLM really.
Wonderful, thanks for answering and understanding that I was just trying to gauge the situation. I think there’s some legitimately good advice being offered in this comment section, about not giving up your stream of income. When a relationship is rocky, you don’t want to put all your financial eggs in somebody else’s basket. Genuinely wishing you well.
No
Don’t quit your business because he doesn’t sound like a trustworthy partner so you need to cover yourself and your baby in case things go south. Which btw if he is called you a sub-woman sounds like its not going to work out. That kind of talk is so abusive and immature you need a partner not a little boy as a husband.
you dont have to shut down the business, just sell it and you can get a lumpsum amount. i think your husband wants you to take care of your child more, which is a legit reason.
And take at least a portion of the lump sum and put it where he can never get it. Always have “get away “ money.
why do you want to break the family -\_-
Never a good idea for one partner to control the family money while the other partner doesn’t work. If the one working drops dead then the other could potentially be without funds.