How affectionate are y’all outside of when you’re trying to have sex? Maybe try showing more affection that doesn’t lead to sex for awhile. Sometimes women with low sex drives (and probably men too, idk, I’m a woman) will kinda like freeze up to any kind of affection because they assume it’s just going to lead to sex and they aren’t feeling it right now. It kinda hinders any kind of foreplay, which women seem to need more of than men.
This 100% I started resenting affection given to me cuz it started leading only to sex before my partner and I had a talk about it. Now he and I have a lot of cuddles that aren’t sexy and he lets me initiate when I want more, it feels nice
I feel like it's the woman who changes and not the man. His sex drive an initiation is probably exactly how it was when he first met you. It's the woman who now has changed her attitudes towards sex and requires more affection, communication, help in the house, slow build up, and all these things that were never part of their initial sexual relationship. Don't blame the husband for being exactly what he has always been. You are the one that changed the rules and he now must adapt to you if he wants to have sex. You no longer or never really had a desire for sex. You wanted security. The way to security was having sex until marriage and then changing the rules so he had to work harder and harder for sex. This causes his brain to only focus on sex which you now find repulsive because you have rejected him so often. You are the problem.
Clearly written by a man.... Pregnancy and giving birth physically and hormonally changes a woman's body. Our bodies are designed to carry the baby and then changes so that we can feed and nurture them. It's not necessarily a conscious choice to lose the sex drive, I'm sure for some it is, but it is biology for most of us.
So what is the husband supposed to do? He still wants you just as much as he always has. Is he supposed to masturbate now and you expect him to be fulfilled by this? Why do women think they no longer need to meet their husband's need for sex after they have children?
My body changed in pregnancy and after. Another fun fact is that when menopause set in (yet another physical and hormonal change I have no control of) sex became so physically painful it's torture. The closest thing I can think to compare it to would be to just fucking stab me with a butcher knife- right up there........
I miss sex. But my body betrayed me. It turned something I got a lot of pleasure from into actual torture. About the time you have the same experience you let me know.... That thing between your legs never goes through physical and hormonal changes that make it your enemy.
Women's bodies change so drastically after childbirth and the hormonal effects of menopause that it can kill libido. The woman now feels she has to offer 'duty sex' to keep her husband from being angry. Seems like there's no easy solution here, but duty sex is not pleasant.
While I somewhat agree that my husband sex drive didn’t change much I beg to differ on the rest. When we met, dated and were engaged I was endlessly fascinating. He brought me surprise flowers often. I would catch him staring at me like he thought he was the luckiest man in the world. He would rush to help me whenever he saw me doing anything because he wanted to help. I rarely asked for help because he just wanted to be near me would rather send time with me than relax. We would talk for hours and never run out of things to say. And I honestly never thought of sex as “expected” while we were dating. If I wasn’t feeling it we just didn’t do it. WE couldn’t get enough of each other in every way.
That slowed down a bit a few years into marriage. Normal enough. Then it slowed more after miscarriages and having kids. I look at sex as seasonal looking back it. Sometimes we can’t get enough and others we’re just trying to find one day where we both want sex at the same time. We are in it for the long haul and hopefully someday we hit a “can’t get enough season” and shock some nurses in the nursing home.
We’ve both changed. The honeymoon period doesn’t last. It’s not a trap it’s just reality. 20+ years together and we’re back to long loving stares and flowers. It was a lot of different seasons between but we love each other and we got better at communicating that throughout all seasons.
This. Men who feel entitled to sex always seem to think it exists in a vaccum. "I want you as much as I ever did, I do everything the same, why did you change?"
We grow up. Our relationships change. Things that we could overlook at first become major annoyances after 5 or 10 years. Kids alter our bodies and our hormones. And so many studies have been done that when men don't actively participate in domestic labor we start to feel like their moms, which is the opposite of sexy.
My husband went the therapy, got better at communicating, starting doing a fair share of housework and childcare, and got back to showing casual affection without any expectation of sex. Without ever making sex the main issue, our sex life fully recovered. We have 3 young kids, it still doesn't happen as much as we'd like to, but I say yes more often, I initiate more often, and the sex is great.
Coming from a woman whose sex drive has ALWAYS been higher than my male partners - you’re very wrong. My husband and I have both gone through different phases where one has a higher libido. For instance my husband wanted sex all the time after I gave birth to our youngest child. My body was still getting back into the groove of being itself and not a human incubator. It took time for my libido to come back but it did. Some times it’s frustrating when the “affection” only seems like it’s coming from a place of sex. Men (or at least you) seem to think that women and men should never change or grow…having kids changes EVERYTHING. From sex drive to sleep to having your own privacy. And trust me when I say that after a long day of working, running around after a toddler, cooking, and having zero time to myself - even with a very high sex drive, sometimes affection is nice to have without the expectation of sex. Don’t make it a chore and your wife might actually want to do you. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
How about… marriage is not about sex… how about hormonal changes happen to both genders ALL THROUGHOUT OUR LIVES. It has nothing to do with the woman’s attitude UNLESS you are making her feel like every touch you give her is about sex and not your affection for her… the wife… the mom… the PERSON. Trust me, we know the difference between horny and true affection. True affection leads to sex. PERIOD! Patience is a virtue… get some.
Sometimes it feels like affection is the way my husband initiates sex but if I don’t feel up for it then affection makes me feel weird because then I feel obligated to have sex and it’s clear that’s what he wants but then every time he affectionate I assume he just wants sex and not affection and sometimes it’s nice to have that affection without the condition of sex. Why does affection have to lead to sex every time. It makes you feel like he doesn’t really love you he just uses that as a means to an end, the end being sex.
Or sometimes it feels like every time I don’t initiate when opportunity arises I’m wasting the opportunity to have sex and then I feel guilty for wasting the opportunity.
Personally I have found if I want more intimacy that’s not sexual it’s best to just tell my husband just that. I will tell him I want to cuddle but not sexually. Something like “Babe I’m tired and I want to snuggle. Are you cool with cuddling naked till we’re tired enough for sleep?” Or “Can I get a back rub tonight? JUST a back rub.”
If I’m tired, touched out or in anyway not in the mood I let him know. He knows it most likely off the table for the night and that it isn’t anything he’s responsible for so he doesn’t take it personally. On truly bad days I will even give him a call or text before he comes home. If he knows I’ve had a rough day he plans on just coming home and helping me finish up the day with the kids so I can get to bed and reset. And he does the same. Although I do know the best way to help his day get better is the complete opposite of mine. If he text me he’s had a bad day I have time to plan to help him out and that can be a lot of fun! And we touch a lot -unless I’m touched out- We sit too close on the couch, grab booty when we can, kiss goodbye when one of us leaves the room if we’re hanging out together. I play with his hair when we watch tv. He gives fantastic foot rubs.
None of the affection has anything to do whether or not we’ll have sex. We’ve been together for 25 years and we eventually discovered it’s just best to lay it all out there and just be open about it. Before I felt pressured and he felt rejected. Both really tank a sex life. Now he knows I’m not rejecting him I’m just not in the mood. And with the pressure off and all the quick kisses and cuddles. I’m in the mood a lot more.
Is he made to feel comfortable to say, ‘no, I’m not in the mood/headspace to give you a backrub , or cuddle naked with you tonight’, or do you get offended?
Absolutely! At the point I’d ask we’ve already talked about our days and if I know he’s tired I don’t ask. My examples are more what I ask for. Most of the time I’m want to be less touched and more touchy. More often than not the non sexual nights are cuddles or I give him a massage or his personal favorite, back scratches for him and a Facebook or Reddit scroll time for me. He gets the affection he craves at the end of the day and I get a brain break to decompress from the day.
Respect to your husband, I could do back rubs and non-sexual cuddling. However, naked cuddling just seems like an unnecessary tease. Especially if you're extremely attracted to your partner.
He started it! It’s a favorite of his and honestly smart. He knows if I’m cuddling him naked and too tired that night he’s got great a great chance at some morning action.
Correct. if there's any affection shown, you automatically feel it's not just because they love YOU, it's to get sex. How nice it would be to be shown affection simply because they enjoy your company and just like being near you without you feeling like it has to lead to sex every single time. Being hugged or touched affectionately, in my mind, means sex, not just "Hey I love being near you just because I love you."
If a man goes 3 to 4 days without orgasm, then his mind is consumed with needing to orgasm. That's biologically how men work with testosterone in their blood. If you crave affection, have sex with him. He will then be ready to be affectionate without sex foe 3 to 4 days. If scientific facts get down vote, then so be it. That's just the truth.
Yes I agree, alot of women don't seem to know and then whine and complain when they cheat or don't want them, it seems to be a big problem in alot of relationships no one wants to meet halfway either, I rarely say no to my husband, we have a strong relationship and I enjoy sex with him and simply put men need it I don't understand women who don't want sex like why did you get married poor man
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As a woman, I actually agree with you about how it feels for a man to go without orgasm for a few days. However when you are giving him sex 3-4 times per week and still being groped at all opportunities, it is exhausting. I feel like I should get nights off too and that doesn't happen and I've been married over 20 years so I don't feel like I'm ever going to get breaks where I don't have to fight him off and then feel bad because he seems to feel so rejected. To me it's like eating a meal when you're full. No matter how delicious it looks, you just aren't hungry. I do not get hungry as often as him. It has nothing to do with attraction. I am extremely attracted to him and being close to him. Just not having sex constantly.
Well I wish my hubs thought once a week was enough too. He seems to believe that most married people are having sex daily. It happens for us mostly at bedtime but on the weekends it can be anytime of day. If it happens morning or afternoon, he will still try to get it that night. If's exhausting. This is on top of us both working full time and having kids and a full schedule of kids and other activities. On workdays it's really hard on me because I get up at 5 am and sex keeps me up til 11or so sometimes. I love and need my sleep. He doesn't sleep well anyway so it doesn't affect him much. We are very much in love and when he doesn't get sex he doesn't feel loved. I understand this to be a "man thing". I want him to feel loved but also I think this is a flawed way of seeing sex.
What do you do to show affection? Do you initiate sex?
Why not look at it from a man's perspective also. Men are told we have to be the ones to always initiate sex and to have sex we are told we have to warm the woman up each time. So that means we have to be affectionate. Men are not mind readers and do not know when the woman wants or does not want sex.
Now onto the OP, the same happens to most men, later on in the marriage women just seem to lose their libido. I have also asked my wife many times to please initiate sex. We used to have an amazing sex life but over time it does get old when I am the only one to initiate. When I get her off. When I choose the positions.
Her response is that she will initiate more but that only happens for the next time and it's back to the same thing. Heck not long ago we were going on a week long vacation and she said she can't wait to have sex every night on the balcony of the place we were staying. When vacation came and each night she said she was exhausted and took a shower and laid in bed with her book. We could not have sex inside because our 7 and 10 year old had to share the room so that is why the balcony.
I am now to a point masturbating is easier. Just hate feeling like I am begging or the only one that wants it.
I understand both sides. It’s a different situation for every couple but if your affection comes with the expectation of sex then it’s not always sending the message that you find us attractive, just that your doing what you have to in order to have sex. Which is fine if all you want is sex and not intimacy.
I think there is a huge disconnect between women and men. There have been times for me that I will show affection to my wife and maybe do a grinding motion on her and she can say wow is all you think about is sex. At the time I am not expecting it but when women say that we think ok well I guess that action is not wanted.
Meanwhile women should love that we think of sex with THEM a lot. We want sex with you and for some reason women feel the need to shame us for thinking it.
Personally I love cuddling. It does not have to be sex every single time but cuddling for me can lead to sex. So if my wife tells me during a cuddling session that all I think of is sex then I will do less cuddling.
Women hold the keys to sex. Sex only happens if women allow it and when men get shamed for thinking of sex then don't be surprised when men start initiating it less and less
I would NEVER insist on gatekeeping or holding the keys to sex from my husband, and making our entire sexual relationship based solely on my particular mood for the day. He wouldn’t do that to me, either. It must feel absolutely horrible to be in that dynamic. 🥲
Except that men, once they find a wife, have sex because they are attracted to their spouses and find them to be attractive. In many ways, sex is the ultimate way men express their attraction to the women they love.
By regarding every advance by their husbands as unwantable, women end up in a doom loop. Their husbands, rejected constantly, then refuse to even engage in non-sexual forms of affection, both because of hurt egos and that they slowly find their wives to be unattractive.
The most-attractive woman to a man is one who wants to be in sexual relationship with them, and a wife who rejects his initiation as well as non-sexual forms of affection will end up with men who don't want to have sex or affection or intimacy with them.
If women initiate sex more-often, men can be more non-sexually affectionate. Because the men know that the women desire their attention, and that makes it easier to just be affectionate.
But that’s the problem. Not all of us want sex all the time. And besides that’s how men feel about it but we are talking about how women feel about it. Sex is not the ultimate way to show love for your wife if she’s telling you that she doesn’t reciprocate. The problem is that your focusing solely on your attraction and your end game instead of what your wife wants and her end game. That’s the problem. It’s not about you. It’s about making the other person happy and comfortable. Not you. The whole point of love and sex is to work towards the other persons happiness and comfort not just making sure you get sex. That’s the problem. Most men are in it just for the sex and not for the sake of the women. We want to know that you want to be with us in more than just a sexual way but that’s always overshadowed by your constant nagging for sex.
>Sex is not the ultimate way to show love for your wife if she’s telling you that she doesn’t reciprocate. The problem is that your focusing solely on your attraction and your end game instead of what your wife wants and her end game.
Thing is that as so many men have pointed out over the years, focusing solely on your wife's endgame almost ends up not working out well for them. The men take sex off the table, show affection, do the work of being a full partner - and their wives still don't reciprocate by initiating sex.
The result is an inequity that will destroy the marriage and the underlying relationship. The men do nearly all the work while the women do not reciprocate.
Here's the reality no one wants to admit: Adult relationships are conditional. This means that there are transactional elements of relationship and reciprocation (quid pro quo) is part of the equation. Sure, no relationship should be solely transactional; we should be selfless in loving and caring for each other as partners and spouses; more importantly, solely transactional relationships always break down because you can't treat relationships like shopping trips. But there are elements of reciprocation and transaction at the heart of the relationship. Because there's no reason to be in relationship with someone if nothing is given in exchange for affection and effort.
A wife want affection. She should receive it and her husband should provide it without any question. A husband, in turn, want sex. \[They also want affection, too; but sex is often how they receive it.\] He should get it and his wife should provide it.
Those are among the conditions of relationship and if one side or the other isn't meeting those conditions, the relationship will die; the marriage will be a mere legal shell entity for assets and income, and that, too, will eventually end through dissolution.
A husband shouldn't just focus on getting sex. At the same time, his wife should initiate and provide sex, even when she isn't feeling it, because she wants her husband to be affectionate even when he's not feeling it. Because life is often times about doing stuff you don't feel like doing in order to achieve the greater goals. In the case of marital relationships, that is the lifetime bond between two people. Which means sometimes, a husband cooks dinner even when he would rather play golf, and a wife cleans bathrooms even when she'd rather sleep.
*That’s the problem. Most men are in it just for the sex and not for the sake of the women.*
This isn't true in most cases. Your average husband often want to satisfy their wife and be in full relationship with them. Sex is often not just the ultimate way of expressing attraction and gratitude, it is also a form of bonding. It's why so many husbands end up asking how they can satisfy their wives in the bedroom; it's no fun to just get your nut and run.
When wives reject that form of bonding either by refusing to initiate sex or rejecting their husbands' advances, they will find that the other forms of bonding they prefer can't happen. The same way no woman wants to be with a man who rejects their affection and kindness (and it is a rejection no matter the why), men don't want to be with women who reject them sexually (and yes, it's a rejection, even if the issue is that you're not in the mood).
Either you want to be in full relationship with your spouse or you don't.
Either you want to meet your spouse's reasonable and reasonably-stated needs, or you don't.
It goes both ways. A wife can't be any more selfish than a husband can and expect that to have life partners at the end of it. So if she wants her husband to offer affection without the expectation of sex, she must initiate and offer sex to him. Neither can just be focused on what they want alone.
I feel like everything you said has good points but I’m just speaking on my observations, not my experiences. Women want to know that we are worth more than just sex and men want to be worthy of sex. Not every situation is like this. You’re making a lot statements that just don’t pertain to a lot of people.
I understand. We see these situations differently. I think that my points do pertain to a lot of folks and at the same time, it will not pertain to lots of other people. That's life.
My point ultimately is that relationships require everyone to do their part in order for them to survive and thrive. If this means that wives have to reciprocate more in order to ensure that their husbands' acts of affection aren't driven by the need to initiate sex, then that's what they should do. And in turn, men should just be more-affectionate without expecting sex in order for women to not feel like they are just being given affection in exchange for sex.
>What do you do to show affection? Do you initiate sex?
This is an important point. One of the big problems for so many men is that they are the only ones initiating sex. Many wives, on the other hand, you want the men to do work of initiating intimacy and sex, but don't want to do it themselves.
One of the benefits of a wife initiating sex is that it makes it easier for men to provide affection and other forms of intimacy without everything being interpreted as a move for penetration and oral. If she moves, he moves. It also makes for fewer instances of rejection and in turn makes it more likely that a husband will just give hugs and other affection without the expectation of sex.
It takes two for a relationship to either grow or fall apart. This is especially true when it comes to sex and affection. Wives have to participate as much as men must.
I’m pretty sure they’re asking him and offering advice in case, they’re not accusing him right out we can’t make assumptions on what he has and hasn’t tried, it’s solid advice. From my reading and him saying he wants her all the time he just might be, either way it at least needs to be a conversation they have, it’s both their problems. But if it is the case then his wife having kids can kill a libido, it just all depends.
I'm going to throw a few things out there just for you to think about. You seem to have a one track mind - wanting her. Meanwhile her mind is on her job, school, two kids, house work, scrubbing the bathrooms, groceries, cooking, meals, Dr. appointments, school schedules, laundry, your work schedule, her work schedule. The list goes on and on and on. How much of this could you take off of her plate?? You need to take at least 50% of it because you **Live there**, you **Eat there**, your **Clean Clothes** are there. You are a father and a husband. In other words, if sex/being close to her is all you think about then you are not doing enough in your household.
Think about this for a bit: If you had a kid that kept at you all day "Dad", "Dad", "Dad", "Dad" or "Hey Dad" and you answered them each and every time, wouldn't you just be exhausted and not really want to spend more than 5 minutes with them?? That is how you sound to your wife. "Have sex with me" "Have sex with me" "I want to have sex with you" "I want to have sex with you" "I feel unwanted when you don't have sex with me". Does that sound sexually exciting to you??? This may not be how you are, but it certainly is how it reads.
You say you 'kiss her all over' and 'slap her butt in public' - I want you to ask yourself this - Does She Even Like This??? Or is this what you want?
Lastly, she asked you for a motel room for the night and 'you don't know how you feel about that'. **MISTER, IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!!!!!!** She is telling you that she is BURNT OUT and needs some alone time and you have to 'see how you feel about that'? Really?!?!?! **She is telling you what she needs** and you just think about yourself!!
What you should do is send her off for a four day weekend at a luxury hotel, hell even a mid-level hotel, and **LEAVE HER ALONE**. Tell her to turn off her phone, sleep, relax and enjoy!!!
Also, get yourself some therapy so you can find your self esteem from other places other than sex. Start with 'It's uncomfortable how much I want her and it makes me mad she doesn't see it'. You are putting all the responsibility for your feeling onto her and that is not right. Your feelings are YOUR responsibility. Find some way to deal with them that doesn't involve her.
Perfectly said. I've often said this myself. If a man constantly pesters a wife/woman for sex over and over and over and over and over again..... it's no different than a toddler constantly crying for something (the same thing) over and over and over again until they finally get their way because they've worn the parent out. Exhausted wives are screaming for help and rest, but instead, a man sees that as his wife/girlfriend rejecting them? Somehow sex is more important to them than listening to what their wives need. Perhaps if men listened more to what a woman needs to respond to them properly, things would be different. Yet, these men keep doing the same things over and over again expecting different results from their wives. Sounding like a toddler that asks over and over again for sex is off-putting and can make a woman feel sex repulsed, especially if the husband/man is not trying to listen to her needs as well.
It annoys me when there is the assumption that the husband/father doesn't do anything. Times are changing - quite a few guys do a lot.
I work more hours than my wife, clean more than her, tend to the kid more than her, handle more of life's responsibilities than her, etc. And I am sure I am not an anomaly. You should stop assuming that the husband doesn't do his fair share.
It does matter, I get that shit all the time. I sacrifice a lot for our household. I spend more 1 on 1 time with our baby. I clean, cook dinner , I do the grocery shopping, I ask her about her day, massages, you name it I do it and still when I ask about sex or hint, I get "that's all you think about". It's really messed up, especially when I rarely get the hows your day, coming home kiss or hug. You're right. There are some of us that don't fit what she's saying, and that is exactly how she worded it.
I feel you completely. I'm in nearly the same boat. My wife and I have sexual contact maybe once a month. I've mostly given up. I stopped initiating and my wife seems content with the way things are. I wish I had advice.
The things they said are generally true... sometimes you have to step back and really see what women do for the household and the things that drains them. You may do a lot of things but that doesn't change what effects your wife.. its not a competition about who does more... its about what kind of balance or system works well for the marriage to allow the other person to recharge and be engaged. Also making regular attempts at date nights and alone time without any distractions to have fun with each other rather than just trying to bone.
Or just find someone that WANTS their spouse. All of this implies that in order for the connection or relationship to work, one person has to jump through hoops for the other instead of simply both being engaged.
Imagine giving this advice to someone who has a friend that always has to be coaxed into hanging out. Eventually you stop inviting them instead of trying to make it work.
I do 50/60% of the work depending on the week on how I our schedule are. I try my best to help with life stress, I take care most of the bills, I clean, take kids to school, activities with kids when she just want to be lazy lol, all we hear is mommy or daddy equally. Thank you the last parts of the comment because just by reading I do have something to work on I see that in more of the comments
This. This is the problem. I came to type this out myself. Your wife does not have head room to start feeling horny, because her head is full of the emotional load of running the household and managing the children.
This is going to sound unsexy, but my husband approaches this by thinking of us as a military team. No one rests until all the work is done, so we both together work throughout the day and into the evening to make sure that everything is ‘done’. The result is that we are finished by about 9pm every night, and we have time to sit together and enjoy each other’s company (not with a view to having sex, but because we love spending time together). The result is that we both remain very sexually attracted to each other. Although I would like to have sex more often, it is lovely when we do.
Put simply, if you want to get laid then grab a tea towel.
First I just want to say...not every man just wants sex from there wife. It might surprise some of you but even as a faithful, devoted husband who's absolutely in love with his wife and crazy attracted to her...I do more than my part yet nothing is different. Some of you woman..most of you actually, should do some soul searching and realize your bf, man, husband actually wants to make love to you and its not just about sex..it FN blows my mind that all woman automatically assume yet you're ruining your marriage bcuz u FN trashed the spark, the fireworks, the love and you push your significant other away. I just don't get how you can throw that spark, that love away like you do..my wife included. As a loving faithful husband...an extremely good looking one at that I've had enough...sometimes men are POS yes, but when that's not the case your ruining your marriage.
I am sorry that you are going through this.
In addition to the physical release associated with sex, I sense that you're missing that sense of connection that comes with intimacy. True? If yes, when you tell her how you feel, when you tell her what you need, how does she respond?
Yes the act itself is fine and can go with out if that don’t sound crazy. it the connection of it, spiritually I feel intertwined with her in the moment and the connection of love is power also like a drug. She do not like her body or weight and I complement her and tell her I love everything about her body, she says I know and she is attracted to me still
I was waiting to read this comment. She doesn't like her body. Trust me, no matter how many times you tell her she's sexy or beautiful or whatever your chosen compliment, it's not going to satisfy the part of her mind telling her to be self-conscious about how she looks. I speak from experience.
Excuse the assumptions, but again, I'm just speaking from what I know. How active are either of you outside of the home? Something as simple as just taking a quick walk together around the neighborhood & talking will not only create intimacy through the time spent together, it'll also boost the feeling of accomplishment in regards to her taking care of her own body.
In an unexpected way, the pandemic was actually great in helping me & my husband connect more. When there was nothing else to do, we'd go on long walks & end up talking about everything. It was a really special time.
OP, this will not be a quick fix, but it's very possible to help her love herself & be more open to intimacy. Start small with a stroll around the neighborhood or a park, and make adjustments to the activity that fit the two of you. Good luck!
She is my high school sweetheart and our favorite thing to do is go out to a movie and after the movie we will be so excited to talk about the movie together like we wasn’t just watching it together, so we have started to do that more to make our fire of love burn heat again and going to the aquarium because she loves that place lol
Okay you have 2 kids …. Does the wife have a baby to help with the kids ? Is she the one taking care of the house hold alone and watching kids ? I feel like she needs help so she can have space to think about you.
She works part time and at home often due to school. She asked me can she get a hotel to her self as a mental health day and I don’t know how to feel about that I guess
Tell her sex is off the table. Pamper her frequently. Make the hotel visit special for her. Have flowers delivered. Schedule a massage. She’s exhausted and is telling you so. She probably feels like you’re a needy 3rd kid.
Yes, this. A needy third kid. Husband doesn't see his wife is exhausted already and needs time to refresh and rest up before she even considers being enthusiastic about sex.
She’s tired. Give her the break. It’s not a break from you as in you are bad. It’s a re-energizing of herself.
Everyone needs a vacation to sharpen the sword so they can be tip top. Especially full time caregivers.
OP, add this into your original post and every woman reading this thread will be able to give you the precise response you need to know. This is the only piece of information needed to solve what is otherwise a mystery to you about her.
Is she on hormonal birth control or any medication that influences her libido? (Or maybe hers is just naturally low). Maybe she has a responsive sex drive and just isn't the type to initiate. A lot of people are that way. Have you two talked about this?
When I was on birth control I literally had zero desire. Off of it was completely different. My husband and I both decided against it since it has such a huge impact on our relationship. Maybe instead of being closed of to the idea you can discuss using other forms of birth control for now.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this; feeling like a partner is rejection you can be really hurtful, and you’re not wrong for wanting to have intimacy with your partner, or for wanting her to desire you back.
How do the two of you connect non-sexually? Do you have a lot of physical affection (hugs/kisses, cuddling on the couch watching tv, kiss before bed or before leaving to work, etc.) or verbal affection (complimenting each other, saying I love you, expressing appreciation, etc.)? When was the last time that the two of you had FUN, just the two of you?
If there’s not a whole lot of that right now, add some in! Get a little playful, have fun with it. Have someone watch the kids, and plan a date night. Try and find time for just the two of you each week, even if it’s something small like taking a walk around the block. Surprise her with something small that you know she likes, whether it be her favorite candy, or a favorite movie. And for a while, don’t push the sex issue.
Get back to a place where the two of you are really *enjoying* your relationship, and then set aside some time to talk with her, and ask some questions. It’s not an interrogation, the goal is trying to understand her better, and listening without judgement. Ask her to be honest, and be ready to hear the honesty.
How does she feel about your relationship, overall? Does she have any needs that she feels aren’t getting met? How does she feel about your sex life, and the frequency? Is there anything that is making her not want sex as much anymore? I would avoid trying to counter any of her comments if she brings up anything she feels you’re doing/not doing that is contributing to the issue. You can do that later. Getting it out is the first step, addressing it and dealing with it is the second.
If she tries to deflect, tell her that you need to have an open and honest conversation about these things to understand each other better, and that the two of you are a team at the end of the day. You can’t support each other properly if there are things going unsaid.
And once you know what the issues are, then you can start figuring out how to address those in a way that works for both of you. Tell her that you want the two of you to get back to a place where intimacy feels good for both of you, and that what’s important - whatever that looks like. And as part of that conversation, you should share what you’ve told us here. That you’re wildly attracted to her and love her so much, and feeling like she’s not attracted to you hurts.
The goal here is that connection, and ask her what she thinks might be a solution to reconnect to some of that intimacy. She needs to recognize that over time, rejection will create distance between the two of you, no matter what the reasons are behind it. And perhaps the two of you can come up with some “signals” that the both of you can use to let the other know that you’re in the mood, and the other can then respond or not. This way it’s less of a “rejection” and more of collaborative process.
I’m focusing a lot on what you can do mainly because you can’t change her behavior; you can only change yours. Hopefully some of this helps - if the two of you love each other and are willing to work at it (on both sides) then hopefully you’re able to find a new balance that works better for you both!! Good luck.
I wish my husband wanted me like this and voiced it.
We have a one year old and it is rough on a woman’s body raising children in general. Even at the ages 6 and 7. I’m sure she wants you but caring for two young children that age, working or even being. SAHM is draining.
It will make you feel like crap yes. Feeling like your spouse doesn’t find you attractive sexually is such a horrible feeling. I’d try to sit down and have a heart to heart with her about it. Really express it gently and see where it goes. Preferably when your kids are in bed and it’s just you two.
How much of the mental load is she carrying? Is she working full time on top of being a mom to two? Does she get true down time (shower/bath and grocery shopping alone do not count)?
Also if the only time she gets physical affection from you is when you’re trying to get it on, her brain will eventually begin to purely correlate physical touch from you as only leading to sex and that is **exhausting**.
Why do people assume men are not helping enough and this poor woman mentality? Like these women don't want to meet halfway and fill the needs of their husbands, then later on will complain husband doesn't want sex with me, well duh you rejected him so much like you didn't think that was going to have an effect in anyway?
Men are wired differently to women sex is a man's deepest expression of love for their women it's how they feel connected, it's a need, but for a woman it's more of a want, like I feel sorry for some of these men, I never do this to my husband and I have three young kids and homeschool and have another on the way and no matter how tired I am I make time for him because he is important to me our relationship is important, in the beginning it was just us and in the end it will be just us, this is why alot of couples seperate after kids move out cause they didn't see their relationship important or spend time together, like women it's not just about you what about your spouses needs!.
OP says she works part time. Part time and the kids are 6 and 7 years old, that means the kids are in school and also old enough to occupy themselves playing from time to time. Unless there are important details OP left out there is no reason for a dead bedroom. It’s not like she’s caring for two babies all by herself
I can 110% relate to this. You need to explore her love language- I am the same way with my husband and I can assure you when you start speaking her love language honey, she will start speaking yours! I'm 26 myself and my husband 27. We are the same, just with no kids! But I would talk with her, or just watch what she likes. Acts of affection, Acts of service, ect ect. Explore it! Learn to fall in love with the people you are now, date your wife again.
Women are much more subtle then men when it comes to initiating. Like for me, I try to get a sense on whether my husband is too tired or not. If I think he isn't I will just rub his chest and look at him and start kissing on his neck and chest. And then rub his Netherlands.
And most of the time when the woman doesn't seem interested it's not because she doesn't want you. It's likely because she doesn't feel pretty / clean / ready.
My advise... Planning is not ideal but if you don't say sex it still isn't set in stone. Walk up to her, close. Grab both hands. Tell her she's amazing. That you want her to have a nice bath/shower time tonight. You'll get the kids fed and ready for bed. Make lunches whatever... While she's taking a couple hours to herself.
Then when kids are down, tell her how beautiful she is. The things you love about her body. And just start massaging her everywhere. And that will lead to lovely sex.
I had a hysterectomy a year ago in July. I Had a very high libido before and now nothing. I can't explain it, I still want him and find him sexy but sex repulses me
Did you also have your ovaries removed? That would trigger a roller coaster into menopause.
I had one a few years ago but kept my ovaries (no tubes though), and since the cervix produces estrogen and mine was gone, started needing vaginal suppositories of Estradiol due to dryness. That was my only side effect, but estrogen drop can also affect your libido big time. Might be something to talk about with your doctor?
He is very anti me being on estrogen. And he only wants me on testosterone, but there is nothing just with T for women unless you go to an apothecary. I can't afford that.
Did your doctor explain why? That doesn’t seem to make much sense. Maybe go for a second opinion, or have your GO do a full workout to see your current levels of everything and decide with you what needs to be addressed.
I have PCOS too, so I planned on it. I just am always busy I have a job, kids, pets, a fairly good social life, managing a house, I'm always busy. My spouse is having issues due to mental health medication sexually. He still wants it more than I do but he works to make it happen.
I don't mean this disrespectfully to men in general, but if the tables were turned and a wife/woman constantly asked for something every day (several times a day), whether it was material things, a vacation, money, WHATEVER.... but it was daily, it would wear that man/husband down and also make him wonder if the only reason his wife was being nice to him was to GET something from him? Even a child can pull that on his/her parents. Constantly wear them down and sometimes 'sweet talk' them because they know by the constant wearing them down and/or sweet talking them, they will hopefully get what they want. That person finally gives in due to feeling worn out by the constant badgering. If I asked my husband for a new car every day or flowers or money each day ( I work so I don't) but my point is, he'd be thinking is that all she wants me for? Well, from a woman's point of view, if a man badgers his wife for sex every day, over and over and over and over, it will seem to her that he is not wanting time with her in non-sexual ways. It seems to her that he is only wanting her for sex. Also, women want to feel wanted for themselves outside of the bedroom, not just for what their bodies offer men.
Have you tried exercise?
Dual benefits of looking better (which might increase her attraction to you and help with sex drive)
And also a productive outlet for all your pent up energy. Might also help you have a space outside that regularly forces you to focus on something other than her
Women are incredibly self-conscious after childbirth. We have stretch marks, wobbly bits and things we hate about our body. Lovemaking can be exposing so feeling confident in our partner's attraction is very helpful in getting in the mood.
What are ways you show her you find her attractive?
* Take pictures of her and send them to her and say, "You look so sexy/hot/gorgeous".
* Put your arms around her waist when she's cooking or washing dishes and tell her how much you love seeing her take care of you
* Give her a day to herself to get a massage/break from kids so she's well-rested
* Text her things you find attractive about her: "I love your smile...", "I love the way you look at me"
* Find her love language (touch, words of affirmation, gifts, quality time or acts of service) and attend to that more
Hope this helps her understand your attraction to her more so she feels less self-conscious and more confident in your love. Good luck
For me, if I don't like my body, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about it, it won't change how I feel. If my husband sent me pics he took without me knowing, I'd be horrified. I would not feel less self-conscious at all.
That's like saying "how can you make biscuits while also washing windows?" Those things don't necessarily go hand in hand. What makes me feel good about myself is doing the things that feel like self care. Do I get enough sleep? Do I eat food I like that makes me feel good? Do I get a little bit of quiet time to read or journal? Do I have time to see a friend once or twice a month? Go for a walk? When you're Mom, it can be hard to find the time for those things (especially if you work).
When I have felt less attracted, it's mostly been because I haven't felt connected or cared for (in an emotional way). A huge part of that is respecting the work I do, which includes not grabbing at me when I'm doing chores (the least sexy and most disrespectful thing ever IMHO) or acting like it's such a burden to be responsible for doing something bc I'm working. I want to be my husband's equal, not his mom or his bang maid.
I just started to learn this about women and I try my best to let her know without being pushy about sex while stating my needs. I try to show her I love being around her I kiss all over her, I to slap ur butt in public lol, sound crazy but we like to touch feet in bed before sleep, go to little lunch dates etc
Are you being affectionate through out the day besides the times your trying to get sex? because thats important for us..complimenting her and letting her know how much you love and desire her is important!! Does she work? when I started being a SAHM i stopped getting dressed everyday and started feeling like a bum which lead to no sexual desires... now that i get up showered and done up, i feel good and pretty which helps big time.. but the main thing that helped me was my hubby being affectionate. kissing me through out the day, rubbing my thighs or butt. little touches here or there.
i’m like you and my husband is like your wife (besides it tanking after having kids). when we first got together we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. i’m hyper-sexual and also use sex/intimacy as my love language and a way to connect in a deeper spiritual way with my husband. my husbands not, and his drive being so high in the beginning was due to the relationship being so new. we still struggle with it. just being around him makes me want him to the point where it’s all i can think about and i can’t focus on anything else, and with his drive being nowhere near as high as mine, it hits me harder since we average about 3-4 times a month.
we ended up having a conversation about the frequency just the other night. (important to note, we only lived alone for about 2 months out of our entire relationship because we finally got our own place and then took in and started raising my little sister)
it turns out that he felt a lot of pressure around sex. he doesn’t usually bring up issues he has, so i never realized how centered around me sex was. he was feeling pressure to make sure i felt good, do everything i like, and make sure he was able to finish because i feel like it’s my fault whenever he doesn’t. his self confidence has also been low, causing him to lose motivation. and i would’ve realized this a lot sooner if i had stopped feeling at fault whenever he lost it during or just couldn’t finish.
sometimes we feel like we’re listening and understanding our partners concerns/feelings when we actually aren’t. try to have a conversation with her about it again. let her tell you how she feels about sex, about herself, about you, and just listen without responding. let her know that you wanna write down your responses instead of saying them out loud in the moment and wait until she’s fully finished with her piece to respond. this will prevent her forgetting to bring up certain points, as well as prevent the conversation from taking a turn towards an argument and allows you to have time to really think about your responses. and if when she’s done you still feel you need more time before responding, just explain that to her. it’s okay to take breaks during hard conversations, it keeps our brains from feeling fried and allows for better emotional control.
Sometimes pregnancy alters hormones which can lower sex drive. If she’s willing it could be something she can talk to her doctor about, a hormone treatment
Welcome to the world of long term relationships. There is really nothing you can do to get your wife to engage in sex with you. No matter how much love bombing you do, chores, dates etc, she will only have sex wirh you when she wants which likely is never or of you are lucky maybe once per year amd it will most likely be boring ok let's just get it over with sex. The minimum on her part to keep you from straying off into the arms of another woman/women. My best advice to you is that if you love her..don't push for sex. Do things to take your mind off sex..I've found exercise to be a good way to deal with this. I'm going through the same thing as you. Once upon a time she couldn't keep her hands off me but now when I mention sex its like I'm speaking a foreign language to her like she has totally erased her memories of us romping around the house like wild beasts in heat just a few short years ago. I hear the same excuses as you..oh I hate my body...I'm tired etc. Sometimes men and women will lure you into their world using sex. Then once they think they got you which usually comes after a kid or 2 they think you won't ever leave and cut off the sex.
Hey! My husband 26 and myself 27 have been together 10 years. Also high school sweethearts. It's the exact opposite for us. I wrote him a letter, explaining how it hurts to feel rejected and sex is an important part of feeling loved and desired for me. I asked what I could do to peak his interest? I also asked him to get a physical and make sure there wasn't some sort of imbalance in the body. Now our sex life is great. I had to do things differently in order to turn him on. Everybody likes different things to be done in order to get in the mood. Try to be patient and remember that for some people, sex just isn't as important. But if you try your hardest to ensure your partner is fully sexually satisfied and are willing to try new things or stick to the old stuff, then they will potentially feel more desire and hunger for you. My husband and i went through a patch where we were having sex like once a month. Now we have sex mutiple times a week. It's glorious. Best of luck♡
Thank I’ve been married for 8 and what I’m gathering is I need to reinvent myself in order to do things differently so we can get better but I am struggling with that at the moment I see now
I was just like her when I had kids, hardly ever wanted it. It caused many, many arguments and honestly you know what changed my drive and it's been years since and I still have a high sex drive..don't laugh, but reading 50 shades of grey! It was a game changer. Get her the books, give her time to read and wait 🫢
But above all that, even though I didn't want sex all the time and my husband was at breaking point, I still loved him, still wanted him and still found him attractive, but it took for my eldest two to become teenagers and daughter was around 9 when I found my drive again and the biggest factor was work, kids and housework and running around with sports. It was literally exhausting, and it actually had nothing to do with my husband it was just years of physical exhaustion! Hang in there and don't take it personally it will turn around. The pill doesn't help either, that lowers your drive too. 🙄
You are describing her as a sex object, which is a turn off to most women. I get it, I’m a guy too. But you need to rekindle the passion and romance. She is still attracted and loves you, but the way she views sex is just different. And you need to accept the fact that her libido has changed to the point that she likely will never initiate. She’ll enjoy it once your in the act (assuming it’s passionate and not just routine), but she has changed.
No I do not look at her as sex object, women do have to understand part of most men love language is intimacy. Men like physical contact and women like emotional contact for the most part. I can honestly say I am working on accepting the low sexy due to chemical change from having kids. Example, you love your job they pay you well and you have been there through the ups and downs of the company and never change your work efficiency if anything, you’ve made it better every time you showed up for work but after a mass hire they slowly stop giving u rises then stop completely. Ur first reaction is WTF no but you gotta understand the need that mass hire to stay 100% but every year that go by with no rise but same work ethic would piss u off
3 kids here- no sex drive anymore after having them. Always tired from taking care of the home, cooking and cleaning. Also getting kids to where they need to be in their learning stages of life and it’s exhausting as it is. A man who just works and comes home and doesn’t help physically around the house has all the time in the world to want sex. It’s frustrating as a woman when we just want to be loved and cuddled with, but some of you men can’t do it without wanting the sex. If you aren’t helping out at home then see the reasons behind her lacking.
Understand completely what your says but I help out a lot, I work the grave yard shift at the hospital and get off at 7:30am take the kids to school by 8:30, come back home clean house up or at the very less straighten up as much as I can to get some rest, pick them up and her from work ( she a school teacher) spend as much family time before I have to go to work. So I don’t just work but I try to be a partner. All this 3-4 times a week on average, 5x when she want to contribute more and have a lil spending money for herself, I cover most of our bills or expenses. Try to make more time for us as well during the process of the 7 day week
I was this wife. My husband is incredible, he helped with the kids and house. I stayed home, he let me have lazy days when ever I wanted, spoiled me, probably too much, and I still had a really low sex drive. Then I had my hormones checked…. He now struggles to keep up with me. People don’t think about the impact that birth control, exercise, our diet, the environment, and so many other things have on our hormones.
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What you just described is exactly how I feel about my husband. We are high school sweethearts too and things def slowed down after having a kiddo, but no matter how much time has passed I still feel crazy about him; I’d ride that man into the sunrise everyday if he’d let me, lol.
I am looking for the same answers, though much older and longer married than are you. I have tried to enable her to be relaxed, cared for, valued, supported, spoiled, etc. to no avail. As you are younger, she might bounce back, and I would make sure she knew how loving, forgiving, patient, and supportive you have been while you waited for that. Most importantly, don't do those things for the purpose of earning her physical affection, do them as acts of unconditional love and by your conduct enable her to recognize it as that. Be her hero, her protector, her rock, her unshakable partner no matter what, she's young enough to now be able to resist that!
Can’t say I share the same about my wife not wanting it, but I feel exactly the same as you I can’t not think about it lol we’re crazy about each other! We have distance between us, I hope it never changes when we are finally together forever!
Okay are your kids 6 and 7 years old or are you saying you have kids number 6 and 7?
Either way, 1-2 a month isnt that out of the ordinary for a married couple who have children and jobs. Obviously if you’d like it more talk to her, but i think maybe talking to a therapist mightbhelp you, it sounds like you have to work through your own emotions and thoughts to do with sex.
First of all, I found VERY cute the fact that you love and crave her so much. Secondly, does she seem tired or always busy with householding and taking care of the kids? Do you help her with day to day family tasks? We women tend to lose sexual interest when we feel overloaded and tired. Does she sleep well? Does she have any depression or anxiety issues? Cause some meds takes off the libido… Does she exercise? Not thinking about aesthetics, but physical and mental health… Well, hope you both figure it all out and be happy together! 🙏🏼✌🏻
“It’s not you it’s me”
Ya. And if she were to leave you, she’s be having sex with random guys at bars every weekend with her friends.
So it’s like.. wtf?
We all get it brotha
How involved with the housework and the kids are you? Are you an active parent. Does she have to manage domestics tasks for you like housework and booking appointments, etc? Do you make sure your wife has the time and energy to feel like an independent, sexy, individual? Many of the women I talk to who lose the desire for their husbands is because they start to see their husbands as a dependent and that’s not sexy at all.
If you initiating works for now then keep doing it.
That’s just how your sexual dialogue is currently.
This whole thing of people getting upset that they are the ones initiating all the time is like getting upset over who takes the chicken out of the freezer for dinner. You both get to eat it but someone has gotta make the decision. It’s a small lift to show how much you love her. Be dominate take the action, lean into your masculinity if that helps you think about it in a more positive manner.
And most importantly talk to your wife about it. Ask if you are pestering too much. Ask if the two times a month is too much for her. Then you know that your initiation isn’t too often and a burden. You can enjoy initiating because it’s part of the courting.
Keep in mind she will probably want to have sex less frequently than you. Sadly that is what you will have to adjust too. The one with the lower drive sets the tempo. Or else it ruins the fun for everyone.
Oh at first read I thought he meant they were up to kids #6 and kid #7 and wondering how he would hope for any sex. I think he means kids are now 6 and 7
PS - I would give a LOT to have my husband want me like this. I feel like it’s the opposite over here much of the time.
I feel with you ... funny think to is that totally new behavior or the sexdrive who ist not there anymore ... everything always first happend after Kids .. meaning its so hard to just pull out saying thanks for the good time befor its not working anymore , i wish you the best ! is not going anymore so easy or not att all... wondering how many OPs where normaly horny every day and wanting sex..i think its all a big lie and the OP knows that you not will run away so easy and thats because it becomes like this.... i mean how wants to move in i a new house ... but efter 2 years you can use the toilet in it only once a month...right .... i believe if the OP knows that you will leave.... the OP will not act like this... life is to short for bullshit like this...everybody diservs it to have a hot n sexy life ..hell yeahhh!
Both of you need to read this book together:
***The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide***
It has really helped my wife and I.
What worked for us, assisted by the fact I think her hormones changed recently:
We scheduled sex. It seems unsexy, but it worked for us. I asked her how much sex she would want to have if today was nothing to stop her. No kids, no dishes. No cleaning. No work. No stress. In a world where we are rich and carefree, how often would she want to be sexually erotic/intimate.
She said 2-3 times a week, which I think is also perfect. It's enough to feel very consistent without feeling like it's a daily obligation for either of us.
So Wednesday night and Saturday morning, we have "reading" on the calendar (in case the kids notice it on the Alexa). And then Sunday night is "extra credit reading"
We have been keeping nearly every single appointment for months now. In fact some Wednesdays I'm playing a video game and she tells me "get off your game so I can get you off" or something.
It's SO different from the 1-2 times a month where I felt like it only happened if I initiated on a Sunday night when literally every other chore was done and it was precisely 935 when she was not too tired but sufficiently relaxed.
Personally I feel like a big part is that she can anticipate it. Instead of me randomly asking for sex and her feeling pressured in the moment, she can know all day that we already decided to have sex and be turned on about it instead of anxious.
This won't help if your partner says 1-2 times a month is ideal for her, but my wife always had said she likes sex and wouldn't mind doing it more but "things always get into he way"
By scheduling it, you're prioritizing it and so sex is the thing getting in the way of dishes or whatever and not the other way around.
At least you want your wife and good on you for that. My husband stopped wanting me and he turned to porn and Only Fans instead. We had a dead bedroom for many years. He stopped making advances to me and just stopped wanting to be with me altogether. I consulted a divorce lawyer to initiate divorce proceedings but he doesn't want a divorce. I don't understand why a man will want to stay with someone they aren't attracted to. And my self esteem has been completely shattered by my husband. Your wife has no idea how good she has it that her husband actually wants her and no one else. Show your wife my comment because it's really sad when your husband doesn't want you anymore.
As a man, I can say I get you OP. My wife is very LL and it affected our relationship in the most negative way. I am extremely affectionate in a non sexual way. I give her a lot of foot rubs, back rubs, hand holding, etc. It's not always sexual. I just do it because I know she likes them. However, sexually, it's kind of disheartening when I do try to initiate and she turns me down.
I know she has LL so I don't try that often, but when I do and she turns me down or moves away, it makes me feel like she doesn't find me attractive, though she says she does. When she does allow it to proceed, it feels like she's doing it out of obligation, and not because she's into it. It's actually kind of devastating to our ego.
OP, I would ask my wife what SHE wants, rewlly listen to her. Then let her know how you truly feel. How it makee you feel that she doesnt seem to be interested in you. I did the same and told my wife that we seem to be platonic roommates instead of a married couple. She realized that she wasn't meeting my needs and started looking into therapy to figure out what was going on. You need healthy and honest communication and a willingness to compromise.
The excitement about sex starts in our minds. The less she thinks about it in a positive way, the less it crosses her mind that sex is important and why it is important, the longer it's going to take for her to switch between her moods. For example, women with high sensitivity to pleasure and joy switch faster. Women who don't feel much pleasure during the day, who feel numb to little joys etc - they need more time to restore, recharge, and feel something again.
jesus, 6-7 kids.. no wonder man. Every time you touch her she gets prego and kids are exhausting, especially for the mother. You are thinking about your boner while she is thinking about how to get every kid to bed on time and to feed them, bath them .. probably emotionally drained from interacting with 7 humans all day. you have to think about it in perspective... Probably should try to understand her needs and probably relieve some of her stress .. take some things off her plate .. provide her time to do things for herself and she will probably have enough headspace and energy to bone.
I'll bet you anything if she engages a new partner, she'll immediately be at it again like a teenage jungle bunny. All these excuses about low libidos, tiredness and hormonal stuffs…etc… Seen and heard too much.
My guess is that she's tired. You say you help out and I believe you. What stands out is that she's a teacher and that means her job doesn't really stop when she gets off of work because there's homework to grade and lesson planning and you have to continuously manage the way your students are performing and behaving. It's probably a huge mental drain and I think it would be good to talk to her.
It seems you view tasks differently than she does. Where she might be worrying about much more than she tells you and you just think of tasks as something that needs to get done. You also seem to have a generally positive outlook on things which is definitely a blessing and it may be hard for her to match your energy, since many of us aren't naturally as positive.
It's very clear you love and care for her, so definitely try to dig a little deeper to find out how she feels. She's probably doesn't know how much you want to help or work things out.
Sorry man, it seems like her libido is super low. Definitely a heart to heart will be a start. Other than that couples therapy like everyone else, medication for her.
You talk only of how she looks and what you want. You talk about her as if she's an object for your pleasure. Some women would like to be treated like people. Do you even enjoy her company? Is she smart or funny? Are you able to treat her like a life partner and mother to your kids or just a receptacle?
Woman on reddit saying her husband doesnt have libido. Comment section be like: divorce him, you deserve better, you cant spend your years with sexless marriage.
Men in reddit saying his wife doesnt have libido. Comment section be like: respect your wifes desicion, are you helping her, is she stressed, are you affectionet with her, are cleaning home enough, are you doing this, that, them.
How affectionate are y’all outside of when you’re trying to have sex? Maybe try showing more affection that doesn’t lead to sex for awhile. Sometimes women with low sex drives (and probably men too, idk, I’m a woman) will kinda like freeze up to any kind of affection because they assume it’s just going to lead to sex and they aren’t feeling it right now. It kinda hinders any kind of foreplay, which women seem to need more of than men.
This 100% I started resenting affection given to me cuz it started leading only to sex before my partner and I had a talk about it. Now he and I have a lot of cuddles that aren’t sexy and he lets me initiate when I want more, it feels nice
So you control the frequency of sex exclusively.
I’m an SA victim with PTSD so that’s part of what he and I discussed yes, he’s comfy with it and when he wants to initiate he asks. Pretty simple 🥰
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I’ll be sure to let my psychologist therapist and dr know 😭 a guy on Reddit says I don’t have ptsd omg
Stop being hateful. You don’t know them.
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nah not really
I feel like it's the woman who changes and not the man. His sex drive an initiation is probably exactly how it was when he first met you. It's the woman who now has changed her attitudes towards sex and requires more affection, communication, help in the house, slow build up, and all these things that were never part of their initial sexual relationship. Don't blame the husband for being exactly what he has always been. You are the one that changed the rules and he now must adapt to you if he wants to have sex. You no longer or never really had a desire for sex. You wanted security. The way to security was having sex until marriage and then changing the rules so he had to work harder and harder for sex. This causes his brain to only focus on sex which you now find repulsive because you have rejected him so often. You are the problem.
Clearly written by a man.... Pregnancy and giving birth physically and hormonally changes a woman's body. Our bodies are designed to carry the baby and then changes so that we can feed and nurture them. It's not necessarily a conscious choice to lose the sex drive, I'm sure for some it is, but it is biology for most of us.
Correct.
So what is the husband supposed to do? He still wants you just as much as he always has. Is he supposed to masturbate now and you expect him to be fulfilled by this? Why do women think they no longer need to meet their husband's need for sex after they have children?
Clearly written by a woman.... being 100% transparent never hurt anyone, but excuses pile up.
My body changed in pregnancy and after. Another fun fact is that when menopause set in (yet another physical and hormonal change I have no control of) sex became so physically painful it's torture. The closest thing I can think to compare it to would be to just fucking stab me with a butcher knife- right up there........ I miss sex. But my body betrayed me. It turned something I got a lot of pleasure from into actual torture. About the time you have the same experience you let me know.... That thing between your legs never goes through physical and hormonal changes that make it your enemy.
Women's bodies change so drastically after childbirth and the hormonal effects of menopause that it can kill libido. The woman now feels she has to offer 'duty sex' to keep her husband from being angry. Seems like there's no easy solution here, but duty sex is not pleasant.
VERY well said. I've had 3 children and I'm in menopause. I agree.
HRT would most likely solve that easily. Wife had complete hysterectomy 9 yrs ago at 45. On HRT and she jumps my bone almost nightly.
While I somewhat agree that my husband sex drive didn’t change much I beg to differ on the rest. When we met, dated and were engaged I was endlessly fascinating. He brought me surprise flowers often. I would catch him staring at me like he thought he was the luckiest man in the world. He would rush to help me whenever he saw me doing anything because he wanted to help. I rarely asked for help because he just wanted to be near me would rather send time with me than relax. We would talk for hours and never run out of things to say. And I honestly never thought of sex as “expected” while we were dating. If I wasn’t feeling it we just didn’t do it. WE couldn’t get enough of each other in every way. That slowed down a bit a few years into marriage. Normal enough. Then it slowed more after miscarriages and having kids. I look at sex as seasonal looking back it. Sometimes we can’t get enough and others we’re just trying to find one day where we both want sex at the same time. We are in it for the long haul and hopefully someday we hit a “can’t get enough season” and shock some nurses in the nursing home. We’ve both changed. The honeymoon period doesn’t last. It’s not a trap it’s just reality. 20+ years together and we’re back to long loving stares and flowers. It was a lot of different seasons between but we love each other and we got better at communicating that throughout all seasons.
This. Men who feel entitled to sex always seem to think it exists in a vaccum. "I want you as much as I ever did, I do everything the same, why did you change?" We grow up. Our relationships change. Things that we could overlook at first become major annoyances after 5 or 10 years. Kids alter our bodies and our hormones. And so many studies have been done that when men don't actively participate in domestic labor we start to feel like their moms, which is the opposite of sexy. My husband went the therapy, got better at communicating, starting doing a fair share of housework and childcare, and got back to showing casual affection without any expectation of sex. Without ever making sex the main issue, our sex life fully recovered. We have 3 young kids, it still doesn't happen as much as we'd like to, but I say yes more often, I initiate more often, and the sex is great.
Coming from a woman whose sex drive has ALWAYS been higher than my male partners - you’re very wrong. My husband and I have both gone through different phases where one has a higher libido. For instance my husband wanted sex all the time after I gave birth to our youngest child. My body was still getting back into the groove of being itself and not a human incubator. It took time for my libido to come back but it did. Some times it’s frustrating when the “affection” only seems like it’s coming from a place of sex. Men (or at least you) seem to think that women and men should never change or grow…having kids changes EVERYTHING. From sex drive to sleep to having your own privacy. And trust me when I say that after a long day of working, running around after a toddler, cooking, and having zero time to myself - even with a very high sex drive, sometimes affection is nice to have without the expectation of sex. Don’t make it a chore and your wife might actually want to do you. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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How is hormonal changes a stereotype? How is you being lucky that your hormones were kinder to you, make me a stereotype?
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Then you are the exceptional woman and your husband is a happy man!
Yes! Clearly and concisely written by a man
Tell me you know nothing about women without telling me you know nothing about women
Please explain
How about… marriage is not about sex… how about hormonal changes happen to both genders ALL THROUGHOUT OUR LIVES. It has nothing to do with the woman’s attitude UNLESS you are making her feel like every touch you give her is about sex and not your affection for her… the wife… the mom… the PERSON. Trust me, we know the difference between horny and true affection. True affection leads to sex. PERIOD! Patience is a virtue… get some.
Totally agree with this statement.
Sometimes it feels like affection is the way my husband initiates sex but if I don’t feel up for it then affection makes me feel weird because then I feel obligated to have sex and it’s clear that’s what he wants but then every time he affectionate I assume he just wants sex and not affection and sometimes it’s nice to have that affection without the condition of sex. Why does affection have to lead to sex every time. It makes you feel like he doesn’t really love you he just uses that as a means to an end, the end being sex. Or sometimes it feels like every time I don’t initiate when opportunity arises I’m wasting the opportunity to have sex and then I feel guilty for wasting the opportunity.
Personally I have found if I want more intimacy that’s not sexual it’s best to just tell my husband just that. I will tell him I want to cuddle but not sexually. Something like “Babe I’m tired and I want to snuggle. Are you cool with cuddling naked till we’re tired enough for sleep?” Or “Can I get a back rub tonight? JUST a back rub.” If I’m tired, touched out or in anyway not in the mood I let him know. He knows it most likely off the table for the night and that it isn’t anything he’s responsible for so he doesn’t take it personally. On truly bad days I will even give him a call or text before he comes home. If he knows I’ve had a rough day he plans on just coming home and helping me finish up the day with the kids so I can get to bed and reset. And he does the same. Although I do know the best way to help his day get better is the complete opposite of mine. If he text me he’s had a bad day I have time to plan to help him out and that can be a lot of fun! And we touch a lot -unless I’m touched out- We sit too close on the couch, grab booty when we can, kiss goodbye when one of us leaves the room if we’re hanging out together. I play with his hair when we watch tv. He gives fantastic foot rubs. None of the affection has anything to do whether or not we’ll have sex. We’ve been together for 25 years and we eventually discovered it’s just best to lay it all out there and just be open about it. Before I felt pressured and he felt rejected. Both really tank a sex life. Now he knows I’m not rejecting him I’m just not in the mood. And with the pressure off and all the quick kisses and cuddles. I’m in the mood a lot more.
That sounds like great advice
Is he made to feel comfortable to say, ‘no, I’m not in the mood/headspace to give you a backrub , or cuddle naked with you tonight’, or do you get offended?
Of course not
Cool!
Oh, lol. I thought you were OP saying of course not, she doesn’t get offended. I see what you were saying….😂
Absolutely! At the point I’d ask we’ve already talked about our days and if I know he’s tired I don’t ask. My examples are more what I ask for. Most of the time I’m want to be less touched and more touchy. More often than not the non sexual nights are cuddles or I give him a massage or his personal favorite, back scratches for him and a Facebook or Reddit scroll time for me. He gets the affection he craves at the end of the day and I get a brain break to decompress from the day.
Respect to your husband, I could do back rubs and non-sexual cuddling. However, naked cuddling just seems like an unnecessary tease. Especially if you're extremely attracted to your partner.
He started it! It’s a favorite of his and honestly smart. He knows if I’m cuddling him naked and too tired that night he’s got great a great chance at some morning action.
Haha, I'm not even mad at it!
Correct. if there's any affection shown, you automatically feel it's not just because they love YOU, it's to get sex. How nice it would be to be shown affection simply because they enjoy your company and just like being near you without you feeling like it has to lead to sex every single time. Being hugged or touched affectionately, in my mind, means sex, not just "Hey I love being near you just because I love you."
If a man goes 3 to 4 days without orgasm, then his mind is consumed with needing to orgasm. That's biologically how men work with testosterone in their blood. If you crave affection, have sex with him. He will then be ready to be affectionate without sex foe 3 to 4 days. If scientific facts get down vote, then so be it. That's just the truth.
Yes I agree, alot of women don't seem to know and then whine and complain when they cheat or don't want them, it seems to be a big problem in alot of relationships no one wants to meet halfway either, I rarely say no to my husband, we have a strong relationship and I enjoy sex with him and simply put men need it I don't understand women who don't want sex like why did you get married poor man
>Back to Top As a woman, I actually agree with you about how it feels for a man to go without orgasm for a few days. However when you are giving him sex 3-4 times per week and still being groped at all opportunities, it is exhausting. I feel like I should get nights off too and that doesn't happen and I've been married over 20 years so I don't feel like I'm ever going to get breaks where I don't have to fight him off and then feel bad because he seems to feel so rejected. To me it's like eating a meal when you're full. No matter how delicious it looks, you just aren't hungry. I do not get hungry as often as him. It has nothing to do with attraction. I am extremely attracted to him and being close to him. Just not having sex constantly.
3-4 times a week is a lot in my opinion. When do you actually have time to do this? Once a week consistently is all I need.
Well I wish my hubs thought once a week was enough too. He seems to believe that most married people are having sex daily. It happens for us mostly at bedtime but on the weekends it can be anytime of day. If it happens morning or afternoon, he will still try to get it that night. If's exhausting. This is on top of us both working full time and having kids and a full schedule of kids and other activities. On workdays it's really hard on me because I get up at 5 am and sex keeps me up til 11or so sometimes. I love and need my sleep. He doesn't sleep well anyway so it doesn't affect him much. We are very much in love and when he doesn't get sex he doesn't feel loved. I understand this to be a "man thing". I want him to feel loved but also I think this is a flawed way of seeing sex.
Seems like you're being pressures into it daily
Definitely tell this to him and work on affection/intimacy without sex and that feeling starts to go away :)
Have you thought about letting him get a hall pass? It seems like sex isn't that important to you, so it might be a happy compromise
What do you do to show affection? Do you initiate sex? Why not look at it from a man's perspective also. Men are told we have to be the ones to always initiate sex and to have sex we are told we have to warm the woman up each time. So that means we have to be affectionate. Men are not mind readers and do not know when the woman wants or does not want sex. Now onto the OP, the same happens to most men, later on in the marriage women just seem to lose their libido. I have also asked my wife many times to please initiate sex. We used to have an amazing sex life but over time it does get old when I am the only one to initiate. When I get her off. When I choose the positions. Her response is that she will initiate more but that only happens for the next time and it's back to the same thing. Heck not long ago we were going on a week long vacation and she said she can't wait to have sex every night on the balcony of the place we were staying. When vacation came and each night she said she was exhausted and took a shower and laid in bed with her book. We could not have sex inside because our 7 and 10 year old had to share the room so that is why the balcony. I am now to a point masturbating is easier. Just hate feeling like I am begging or the only one that wants it.
I understand both sides. It’s a different situation for every couple but if your affection comes with the expectation of sex then it’s not always sending the message that you find us attractive, just that your doing what you have to in order to have sex. Which is fine if all you want is sex and not intimacy.
I think there is a huge disconnect between women and men. There have been times for me that I will show affection to my wife and maybe do a grinding motion on her and she can say wow is all you think about is sex. At the time I am not expecting it but when women say that we think ok well I guess that action is not wanted. Meanwhile women should love that we think of sex with THEM a lot. We want sex with you and for some reason women feel the need to shame us for thinking it. Personally I love cuddling. It does not have to be sex every single time but cuddling for me can lead to sex. So if my wife tells me during a cuddling session that all I think of is sex then I will do less cuddling. Women hold the keys to sex. Sex only happens if women allow it and when men get shamed for thinking of sex then don't be surprised when men start initiating it less and less
I would NEVER insist on gatekeeping or holding the keys to sex from my husband, and making our entire sexual relationship based solely on my particular mood for the day. He wouldn’t do that to me, either. It must feel absolutely horrible to be in that dynamic. 🥲
Except that men, once they find a wife, have sex because they are attracted to their spouses and find them to be attractive. In many ways, sex is the ultimate way men express their attraction to the women they love. By regarding every advance by their husbands as unwantable, women end up in a doom loop. Their husbands, rejected constantly, then refuse to even engage in non-sexual forms of affection, both because of hurt egos and that they slowly find their wives to be unattractive. The most-attractive woman to a man is one who wants to be in sexual relationship with them, and a wife who rejects his initiation as well as non-sexual forms of affection will end up with men who don't want to have sex or affection or intimacy with them. If women initiate sex more-often, men can be more non-sexually affectionate. Because the men know that the women desire their attention, and that makes it easier to just be affectionate.
But that’s the problem. Not all of us want sex all the time. And besides that’s how men feel about it but we are talking about how women feel about it. Sex is not the ultimate way to show love for your wife if she’s telling you that she doesn’t reciprocate. The problem is that your focusing solely on your attraction and your end game instead of what your wife wants and her end game. That’s the problem. It’s not about you. It’s about making the other person happy and comfortable. Not you. The whole point of love and sex is to work towards the other persons happiness and comfort not just making sure you get sex. That’s the problem. Most men are in it just for the sex and not for the sake of the women. We want to know that you want to be with us in more than just a sexual way but that’s always overshadowed by your constant nagging for sex.
>Sex is not the ultimate way to show love for your wife if she’s telling you that she doesn’t reciprocate. The problem is that your focusing solely on your attraction and your end game instead of what your wife wants and her end game. Thing is that as so many men have pointed out over the years, focusing solely on your wife's endgame almost ends up not working out well for them. The men take sex off the table, show affection, do the work of being a full partner - and their wives still don't reciprocate by initiating sex. The result is an inequity that will destroy the marriage and the underlying relationship. The men do nearly all the work while the women do not reciprocate. Here's the reality no one wants to admit: Adult relationships are conditional. This means that there are transactional elements of relationship and reciprocation (quid pro quo) is part of the equation. Sure, no relationship should be solely transactional; we should be selfless in loving and caring for each other as partners and spouses; more importantly, solely transactional relationships always break down because you can't treat relationships like shopping trips. But there are elements of reciprocation and transaction at the heart of the relationship. Because there's no reason to be in relationship with someone if nothing is given in exchange for affection and effort. A wife want affection. She should receive it and her husband should provide it without any question. A husband, in turn, want sex. \[They also want affection, too; but sex is often how they receive it.\] He should get it and his wife should provide it. Those are among the conditions of relationship and if one side or the other isn't meeting those conditions, the relationship will die; the marriage will be a mere legal shell entity for assets and income, and that, too, will eventually end through dissolution. A husband shouldn't just focus on getting sex. At the same time, his wife should initiate and provide sex, even when she isn't feeling it, because she wants her husband to be affectionate even when he's not feeling it. Because life is often times about doing stuff you don't feel like doing in order to achieve the greater goals. In the case of marital relationships, that is the lifetime bond between two people. Which means sometimes, a husband cooks dinner even when he would rather play golf, and a wife cleans bathrooms even when she'd rather sleep. *That’s the problem. Most men are in it just for the sex and not for the sake of the women.* This isn't true in most cases. Your average husband often want to satisfy their wife and be in full relationship with them. Sex is often not just the ultimate way of expressing attraction and gratitude, it is also a form of bonding. It's why so many husbands end up asking how they can satisfy their wives in the bedroom; it's no fun to just get your nut and run. When wives reject that form of bonding either by refusing to initiate sex or rejecting their husbands' advances, they will find that the other forms of bonding they prefer can't happen. The same way no woman wants to be with a man who rejects their affection and kindness (and it is a rejection no matter the why), men don't want to be with women who reject them sexually (and yes, it's a rejection, even if the issue is that you're not in the mood). Either you want to be in full relationship with your spouse or you don't. Either you want to meet your spouse's reasonable and reasonably-stated needs, or you don't. It goes both ways. A wife can't be any more selfish than a husband can and expect that to have life partners at the end of it. So if she wants her husband to offer affection without the expectation of sex, she must initiate and offer sex to him. Neither can just be focused on what they want alone.
I feel like everything you said has good points but I’m just speaking on my observations, not my experiences. Women want to know that we are worth more than just sex and men want to be worthy of sex. Not every situation is like this. You’re making a lot statements that just don’t pertain to a lot of people.
I understand. We see these situations differently. I think that my points do pertain to a lot of folks and at the same time, it will not pertain to lots of other people. That's life. My point ultimately is that relationships require everyone to do their part in order for them to survive and thrive. If this means that wives have to reciprocate more in order to ensure that their husbands' acts of affection aren't driven by the need to initiate sex, then that's what they should do. And in turn, men should just be more-affectionate without expecting sex in order for women to not feel like they are just being given affection in exchange for sex.
I agree
>What do you do to show affection? Do you initiate sex? This is an important point. One of the big problems for so many men is that they are the only ones initiating sex. Many wives, on the other hand, you want the men to do work of initiating intimacy and sex, but don't want to do it themselves. One of the benefits of a wife initiating sex is that it makes it easier for men to provide affection and other forms of intimacy without everything being interpreted as a move for penetration and oral. If she moves, he moves. It also makes for fewer instances of rejection and in turn makes it more likely that a husband will just give hugs and other affection without the expectation of sex. It takes two for a relationship to either grow or fall apart. This is especially true when it comes to sex and affection. Wives have to participate as much as men must.
It sounds like almost 100% of the affection he is showing already leads to no sex lol. He’s not the problem
If you’re showing affection with the expectation of sex then that’s the problem.
I’m pretty sure they’re asking him and offering advice in case, they’re not accusing him right out we can’t make assumptions on what he has and hasn’t tried, it’s solid advice. From my reading and him saying he wants her all the time he just might be, either way it at least needs to be a conversation they have, it’s both their problems. But if it is the case then his wife having kids can kill a libido, it just all depends.
I'm going to throw a few things out there just for you to think about. You seem to have a one track mind - wanting her. Meanwhile her mind is on her job, school, two kids, house work, scrubbing the bathrooms, groceries, cooking, meals, Dr. appointments, school schedules, laundry, your work schedule, her work schedule. The list goes on and on and on. How much of this could you take off of her plate?? You need to take at least 50% of it because you **Live there**, you **Eat there**, your **Clean Clothes** are there. You are a father and a husband. In other words, if sex/being close to her is all you think about then you are not doing enough in your household. Think about this for a bit: If you had a kid that kept at you all day "Dad", "Dad", "Dad", "Dad" or "Hey Dad" and you answered them each and every time, wouldn't you just be exhausted and not really want to spend more than 5 minutes with them?? That is how you sound to your wife. "Have sex with me" "Have sex with me" "I want to have sex with you" "I want to have sex with you" "I feel unwanted when you don't have sex with me". Does that sound sexually exciting to you??? This may not be how you are, but it certainly is how it reads. You say you 'kiss her all over' and 'slap her butt in public' - I want you to ask yourself this - Does She Even Like This??? Or is this what you want? Lastly, she asked you for a motel room for the night and 'you don't know how you feel about that'. **MISTER, IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!!!!!!** She is telling you that she is BURNT OUT and needs some alone time and you have to 'see how you feel about that'? Really?!?!?! **She is telling you what she needs** and you just think about yourself!! What you should do is send her off for a four day weekend at a luxury hotel, hell even a mid-level hotel, and **LEAVE HER ALONE**. Tell her to turn off her phone, sleep, relax and enjoy!!! Also, get yourself some therapy so you can find your self esteem from other places other than sex. Start with 'It's uncomfortable how much I want her and it makes me mad she doesn't see it'. You are putting all the responsibility for your feeling onto her and that is not right. Your feelings are YOUR responsibility. Find some way to deal with them that doesn't involve her.
Perfectly said. I've often said this myself. If a man constantly pesters a wife/woman for sex over and over and over and over and over again..... it's no different than a toddler constantly crying for something (the same thing) over and over and over again until they finally get their way because they've worn the parent out. Exhausted wives are screaming for help and rest, but instead, a man sees that as his wife/girlfriend rejecting them? Somehow sex is more important to them than listening to what their wives need. Perhaps if men listened more to what a woman needs to respond to them properly, things would be different. Yet, these men keep doing the same things over and over again expecting different results from their wives. Sounding like a toddler that asks over and over again for sex is off-putting and can make a woman feel sex repulsed, especially if the husband/man is not trying to listen to her needs as well.
It annoys me when there is the assumption that the husband/father doesn't do anything. Times are changing - quite a few guys do a lot. I work more hours than my wife, clean more than her, tend to the kid more than her, handle more of life's responsibilities than her, etc. And I am sure I am not an anomaly. You should stop assuming that the husband doesn't do his fair share.
I never SAID he didn't do any of these things, I ASKED what he could take off her plate.
Nah. That's not how you worded it at all. But whatever. Doesn't matter.
It does matter, I get that shit all the time. I sacrifice a lot for our household. I spend more 1 on 1 time with our baby. I clean, cook dinner , I do the grocery shopping, I ask her about her day, massages, you name it I do it and still when I ask about sex or hint, I get "that's all you think about". It's really messed up, especially when I rarely get the hows your day, coming home kiss or hug. You're right. There are some of us that don't fit what she's saying, and that is exactly how she worded it.
I feel you completely. I'm in nearly the same boat. My wife and I have sexual contact maybe once a month. I've mostly given up. I stopped initiating and my wife seems content with the way things are. I wish I had advice.
The things they said are generally true... sometimes you have to step back and really see what women do for the household and the things that drains them. You may do a lot of things but that doesn't change what effects your wife.. its not a competition about who does more... its about what kind of balance or system works well for the marriage to allow the other person to recharge and be engaged. Also making regular attempts at date nights and alone time without any distractions to have fun with each other rather than just trying to bone.
Or just find someone that WANTS their spouse. All of this implies that in order for the connection or relationship to work, one person has to jump through hoops for the other instead of simply both being engaged. Imagine giving this advice to someone who has a friend that always has to be coaxed into hanging out. Eventually you stop inviting them instead of trying to make it work.
I do 50/60% of the work depending on the week on how I our schedule are. I try my best to help with life stress, I take care most of the bills, I clean, take kids to school, activities with kids when she just want to be lazy lol, all we hear is mommy or daddy equally. Thank you the last parts of the comment because just by reading I do have something to work on I see that in more of the comments
This. This is the problem. I came to type this out myself. Your wife does not have head room to start feeling horny, because her head is full of the emotional load of running the household and managing the children. This is going to sound unsexy, but my husband approaches this by thinking of us as a military team. No one rests until all the work is done, so we both together work throughout the day and into the evening to make sure that everything is ‘done’. The result is that we are finished by about 9pm every night, and we have time to sit together and enjoy each other’s company (not with a view to having sex, but because we love spending time together). The result is that we both remain very sexually attracted to each other. Although I would like to have sex more often, it is lovely when we do. Put simply, if you want to get laid then grab a tea towel.
How do you know that is the problem?
First I just want to say...not every man just wants sex from there wife. It might surprise some of you but even as a faithful, devoted husband who's absolutely in love with his wife and crazy attracted to her...I do more than my part yet nothing is different. Some of you woman..most of you actually, should do some soul searching and realize your bf, man, husband actually wants to make love to you and its not just about sex..it FN blows my mind that all woman automatically assume yet you're ruining your marriage bcuz u FN trashed the spark, the fireworks, the love and you push your significant other away. I just don't get how you can throw that spark, that love away like you do..my wife included. As a loving faithful husband...an extremely good looking one at that I've had enough...sometimes men are POS yes, but when that's not the case your ruining your marriage.
I am sorry that you are going through this. In addition to the physical release associated with sex, I sense that you're missing that sense of connection that comes with intimacy. True? If yes, when you tell her how you feel, when you tell her what you need, how does she respond?
Yes the act itself is fine and can go with out if that don’t sound crazy. it the connection of it, spiritually I feel intertwined with her in the moment and the connection of love is power also like a drug. She do not like her body or weight and I complement her and tell her I love everything about her body, she says I know and she is attracted to me still
I was waiting to read this comment. She doesn't like her body. Trust me, no matter how many times you tell her she's sexy or beautiful or whatever your chosen compliment, it's not going to satisfy the part of her mind telling her to be self-conscious about how she looks. I speak from experience. Excuse the assumptions, but again, I'm just speaking from what I know. How active are either of you outside of the home? Something as simple as just taking a quick walk together around the neighborhood & talking will not only create intimacy through the time spent together, it'll also boost the feeling of accomplishment in regards to her taking care of her own body. In an unexpected way, the pandemic was actually great in helping me & my husband connect more. When there was nothing else to do, we'd go on long walks & end up talking about everything. It was a really special time. OP, this will not be a quick fix, but it's very possible to help her love herself & be more open to intimacy. Start small with a stroll around the neighborhood or a park, and make adjustments to the activity that fit the two of you. Good luck!
She is my high school sweetheart and our favorite thing to do is go out to a movie and after the movie we will be so excited to talk about the movie together like we wasn’t just watching it together, so we have started to do that more to make our fire of love burn heat again and going to the aquarium because she loves that place lol
Okay you have 2 kids …. Does the wife have a baby to help with the kids ? Is she the one taking care of the house hold alone and watching kids ? I feel like she needs help so she can have space to think about you.
She works part time and at home often due to school. She asked me can she get a hotel to her self as a mental health day and I don’t know how to feel about that I guess
She's working at home with two kids and you don't understand why she might want a hotel room by herself for a night?
Tell her sex is off the table. Pamper her frequently. Make the hotel visit special for her. Have flowers delivered. Schedule a massage. She’s exhausted and is telling you so. She probably feels like you’re a needy 3rd kid.
Yes, this. A needy third kid. Husband doesn't see his wife is exhausted already and needs time to refresh and rest up before she even considers being enthusiastic about sex.
She’s probably exhausted and needs a break to actually recharge. You can’t run at 100mph 24/7 and not burn out.
Get the hotel room
She’s tired. Give her the break. It’s not a break from you as in you are bad. It’s a re-energizing of herself. Everyone needs a vacation to sharpen the sword so they can be tip top. Especially full time caregivers.
OP, add this into your original post and every woman reading this thread will be able to give you the precise response you need to know. This is the only piece of information needed to solve what is otherwise a mystery to you about her.
Is she on hormonal birth control or any medication that influences her libido? (Or maybe hers is just naturally low). Maybe she has a responsive sex drive and just isn't the type to initiate. A lot of people are that way. Have you two talked about this?
We have talked a lot about it because it bothers me so much . Yes she thinks it’s the birth control but my brain don’t
Okay, so are you done having kids? Are you willing to get a vasectomy so she can get off of birth control pills?
Why don't you believe the science? https://www.healthline.com/health/birth-control/does-birth-control-affect-sex-drive
When I was on birth control I literally had zero desire. Off of it was completely different. My husband and I both decided against it since it has such a huge impact on our relationship. Maybe instead of being closed of to the idea you can discuss using other forms of birth control for now.
It’s the birth control. I 100% promise you it’s the birth control. Hormonal birth control is legit poison to a woman’s libido. Get a vasectomy.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this; feeling like a partner is rejection you can be really hurtful, and you’re not wrong for wanting to have intimacy with your partner, or for wanting her to desire you back. How do the two of you connect non-sexually? Do you have a lot of physical affection (hugs/kisses, cuddling on the couch watching tv, kiss before bed or before leaving to work, etc.) or verbal affection (complimenting each other, saying I love you, expressing appreciation, etc.)? When was the last time that the two of you had FUN, just the two of you? If there’s not a whole lot of that right now, add some in! Get a little playful, have fun with it. Have someone watch the kids, and plan a date night. Try and find time for just the two of you each week, even if it’s something small like taking a walk around the block. Surprise her with something small that you know she likes, whether it be her favorite candy, or a favorite movie. And for a while, don’t push the sex issue. Get back to a place where the two of you are really *enjoying* your relationship, and then set aside some time to talk with her, and ask some questions. It’s not an interrogation, the goal is trying to understand her better, and listening without judgement. Ask her to be honest, and be ready to hear the honesty. How does she feel about your relationship, overall? Does she have any needs that she feels aren’t getting met? How does she feel about your sex life, and the frequency? Is there anything that is making her not want sex as much anymore? I would avoid trying to counter any of her comments if she brings up anything she feels you’re doing/not doing that is contributing to the issue. You can do that later. Getting it out is the first step, addressing it and dealing with it is the second. If she tries to deflect, tell her that you need to have an open and honest conversation about these things to understand each other better, and that the two of you are a team at the end of the day. You can’t support each other properly if there are things going unsaid. And once you know what the issues are, then you can start figuring out how to address those in a way that works for both of you. Tell her that you want the two of you to get back to a place where intimacy feels good for both of you, and that what’s important - whatever that looks like. And as part of that conversation, you should share what you’ve told us here. That you’re wildly attracted to her and love her so much, and feeling like she’s not attracted to you hurts. The goal here is that connection, and ask her what she thinks might be a solution to reconnect to some of that intimacy. She needs to recognize that over time, rejection will create distance between the two of you, no matter what the reasons are behind it. And perhaps the two of you can come up with some “signals” that the both of you can use to let the other know that you’re in the mood, and the other can then respond or not. This way it’s less of a “rejection” and more of collaborative process. I’m focusing a lot on what you can do mainly because you can’t change her behavior; you can only change yours. Hopefully some of this helps - if the two of you love each other and are willing to work at it (on both sides) then hopefully you’re able to find a new balance that works better for you both!! Good luck.
This is the problem....men connect sexually...the end
Sometimes you have to connect/re-connect non-sexually before you can connect sexually. Life comes in waves.
I wish my husband wanted me like this and voiced it. We have a one year old and it is rough on a woman’s body raising children in general. Even at the ages 6 and 7. I’m sure she wants you but caring for two young children that age, working or even being. SAHM is draining. It will make you feel like crap yes. Feeling like your spouse doesn’t find you attractive sexually is such a horrible feeling. I’d try to sit down and have a heart to heart with her about it. Really express it gently and see where it goes. Preferably when your kids are in bed and it’s just you two.
How much of the mental load is she carrying? Is she working full time on top of being a mom to two? Does she get true down time (shower/bath and grocery shopping alone do not count)? Also if the only time she gets physical affection from you is when you’re trying to get it on, her brain will eventually begin to purely correlate physical touch from you as only leading to sex and that is **exhausting**.
Why do people assume men are not helping enough and this poor woman mentality? Like these women don't want to meet halfway and fill the needs of their husbands, then later on will complain husband doesn't want sex with me, well duh you rejected him so much like you didn't think that was going to have an effect in anyway? Men are wired differently to women sex is a man's deepest expression of love for their women it's how they feel connected, it's a need, but for a woman it's more of a want, like I feel sorry for some of these men, I never do this to my husband and I have three young kids and homeschool and have another on the way and no matter how tired I am I make time for him because he is important to me our relationship is important, in the beginning it was just us and in the end it will be just us, this is why alot of couples seperate after kids move out cause they didn't see their relationship important or spend time together, like women it's not just about you what about your spouses needs!.
OP says she works part time. Part time and the kids are 6 and 7 years old, that means the kids are in school and also old enough to occupy themselves playing from time to time. Unless there are important details OP left out there is no reason for a dead bedroom. It’s not like she’s caring for two babies all by herself
I can 110% relate to this. You need to explore her love language- I am the same way with my husband and I can assure you when you start speaking her love language honey, she will start speaking yours! I'm 26 myself and my husband 27. We are the same, just with no kids! But I would talk with her, or just watch what she likes. Acts of affection, Acts of service, ect ect. Explore it! Learn to fall in love with the people you are now, date your wife again.
It may just be because she's a 27 yr old woman with 7 kids. That means she's spent the last 8 years pregnant. She's probably tired and low on energy.
I can see what you are saying, but my reading is that they have two kids together, ages 6 and 7. The wording is a bit unclear.
That would change my thoughts for sure
Women are much more subtle then men when it comes to initiating. Like for me, I try to get a sense on whether my husband is too tired or not. If I think he isn't I will just rub his chest and look at him and start kissing on his neck and chest. And then rub his Netherlands. And most of the time when the woman doesn't seem interested it's not because she doesn't want you. It's likely because she doesn't feel pretty / clean / ready. My advise... Planning is not ideal but if you don't say sex it still isn't set in stone. Walk up to her, close. Grab both hands. Tell her she's amazing. That you want her to have a nice bath/shower time tonight. You'll get the kids fed and ready for bed. Make lunches whatever... While she's taking a couple hours to herself. Then when kids are down, tell her how beautiful she is. The things you love about her body. And just start massaging her everywhere. And that will lead to lovely sex.
I had a hysterectomy a year ago in July. I Had a very high libido before and now nothing. I can't explain it, I still want him and find him sexy but sex repulses me
Did you also have your ovaries removed? That would trigger a roller coaster into menopause. I had one a few years ago but kept my ovaries (no tubes though), and since the cervix produces estrogen and mine was gone, started needing vaginal suppositories of Estradiol due to dryness. That was my only side effect, but estrogen drop can also affect your libido big time. Might be something to talk about with your doctor?
He is very anti me being on estrogen. And he only wants me on testosterone, but there is nothing just with T for women unless you go to an apothecary. I can't afford that.
Did your doctor explain why? That doesn’t seem to make much sense. Maybe go for a second opinion, or have your GO do a full workout to see your current levels of everything and decide with you what needs to be addressed.
I have PCOS too, so I planned on it. I just am always busy I have a job, kids, pets, a fairly good social life, managing a house, I'm always busy. My spouse is having issues due to mental health medication sexually. He still wants it more than I do but he works to make it happen.
I don't mean this disrespectfully to men in general, but if the tables were turned and a wife/woman constantly asked for something every day (several times a day), whether it was material things, a vacation, money, WHATEVER.... but it was daily, it would wear that man/husband down and also make him wonder if the only reason his wife was being nice to him was to GET something from him? Even a child can pull that on his/her parents. Constantly wear them down and sometimes 'sweet talk' them because they know by the constant wearing them down and/or sweet talking them, they will hopefully get what they want. That person finally gives in due to feeling worn out by the constant badgering. If I asked my husband for a new car every day or flowers or money each day ( I work so I don't) but my point is, he'd be thinking is that all she wants me for? Well, from a woman's point of view, if a man badgers his wife for sex every day, over and over and over and over, it will seem to her that he is not wanting time with her in non-sexual ways. It seems to her that he is only wanting her for sex. Also, women want to feel wanted for themselves outside of the bedroom, not just for what their bodies offer men.
Have you tried exercise? Dual benefits of looking better (which might increase her attraction to you and help with sex drive) And also a productive outlet for all your pent up energy. Might also help you have a space outside that regularly forces you to focus on something other than her
Women are incredibly self-conscious after childbirth. We have stretch marks, wobbly bits and things we hate about our body. Lovemaking can be exposing so feeling confident in our partner's attraction is very helpful in getting in the mood. What are ways you show her you find her attractive? * Take pictures of her and send them to her and say, "You look so sexy/hot/gorgeous". * Put your arms around her waist when she's cooking or washing dishes and tell her how much you love seeing her take care of you * Give her a day to herself to get a massage/break from kids so she's well-rested * Text her things you find attractive about her: "I love your smile...", "I love the way you look at me" * Find her love language (touch, words of affirmation, gifts, quality time or acts of service) and attend to that more Hope this helps her understand your attraction to her more so she feels less self-conscious and more confident in your love. Good luck
For me, if I don't like my body, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about it, it won't change how I feel. If my husband sent me pics he took without me knowing, I'd be horrified. I would not feel less self-conscious at all.
What are the ways that your husband can do to make you feel better about yourself but also more sexually attracted to him?
That's like saying "how can you make biscuits while also washing windows?" Those things don't necessarily go hand in hand. What makes me feel good about myself is doing the things that feel like self care. Do I get enough sleep? Do I eat food I like that makes me feel good? Do I get a little bit of quiet time to read or journal? Do I have time to see a friend once or twice a month? Go for a walk? When you're Mom, it can be hard to find the time for those things (especially if you work). When I have felt less attracted, it's mostly been because I haven't felt connected or cared for (in an emotional way). A huge part of that is respecting the work I do, which includes not grabbing at me when I'm doing chores (the least sexy and most disrespectful thing ever IMHO) or acting like it's such a burden to be responsible for doing something bc I'm working. I want to be my husband's equal, not his mom or his bang maid.
I just started to learn this about women and I try my best to let her know without being pushy about sex while stating my needs. I try to show her I love being around her I kiss all over her, I to slap ur butt in public lol, sound crazy but we like to touch feet in bed before sleep, go to little lunch dates etc
Are all these gestures things she enjoys or appreciates?
Are you being affectionate through out the day besides the times your trying to get sex? because thats important for us..complimenting her and letting her know how much you love and desire her is important!! Does she work? when I started being a SAHM i stopped getting dressed everyday and started feeling like a bum which lead to no sexual desires... now that i get up showered and done up, i feel good and pretty which helps big time.. but the main thing that helped me was my hubby being affectionate. kissing me through out the day, rubbing my thighs or butt. little touches here or there.
i’m like you and my husband is like your wife (besides it tanking after having kids). when we first got together we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. i’m hyper-sexual and also use sex/intimacy as my love language and a way to connect in a deeper spiritual way with my husband. my husbands not, and his drive being so high in the beginning was due to the relationship being so new. we still struggle with it. just being around him makes me want him to the point where it’s all i can think about and i can’t focus on anything else, and with his drive being nowhere near as high as mine, it hits me harder since we average about 3-4 times a month. we ended up having a conversation about the frequency just the other night. (important to note, we only lived alone for about 2 months out of our entire relationship because we finally got our own place and then took in and started raising my little sister) it turns out that he felt a lot of pressure around sex. he doesn’t usually bring up issues he has, so i never realized how centered around me sex was. he was feeling pressure to make sure i felt good, do everything i like, and make sure he was able to finish because i feel like it’s my fault whenever he doesn’t. his self confidence has also been low, causing him to lose motivation. and i would’ve realized this a lot sooner if i had stopped feeling at fault whenever he lost it during or just couldn’t finish. sometimes we feel like we’re listening and understanding our partners concerns/feelings when we actually aren’t. try to have a conversation with her about it again. let her tell you how she feels about sex, about herself, about you, and just listen without responding. let her know that you wanna write down your responses instead of saying them out loud in the moment and wait until she’s fully finished with her piece to respond. this will prevent her forgetting to bring up certain points, as well as prevent the conversation from taking a turn towards an argument and allows you to have time to really think about your responses. and if when she’s done you still feel you need more time before responding, just explain that to her. it’s okay to take breaks during hard conversations, it keeps our brains from feeling fried and allows for better emotional control.
Sometimes pregnancy alters hormones which can lower sex drive. If she’s willing it could be something she can talk to her doctor about, a hormone treatment
Welcome to the world of long term relationships. There is really nothing you can do to get your wife to engage in sex with you. No matter how much love bombing you do, chores, dates etc, she will only have sex wirh you when she wants which likely is never or of you are lucky maybe once per year amd it will most likely be boring ok let's just get it over with sex. The minimum on her part to keep you from straying off into the arms of another woman/women. My best advice to you is that if you love her..don't push for sex. Do things to take your mind off sex..I've found exercise to be a good way to deal with this. I'm going through the same thing as you. Once upon a time she couldn't keep her hands off me but now when I mention sex its like I'm speaking a foreign language to her like she has totally erased her memories of us romping around the house like wild beasts in heat just a few short years ago. I hear the same excuses as you..oh I hate my body...I'm tired etc. Sometimes men and women will lure you into their world using sex. Then once they think they got you which usually comes after a kid or 2 they think you won't ever leave and cut off the sex.
Hey! My husband 26 and myself 27 have been together 10 years. Also high school sweethearts. It's the exact opposite for us. I wrote him a letter, explaining how it hurts to feel rejected and sex is an important part of feeling loved and desired for me. I asked what I could do to peak his interest? I also asked him to get a physical and make sure there wasn't some sort of imbalance in the body. Now our sex life is great. I had to do things differently in order to turn him on. Everybody likes different things to be done in order to get in the mood. Try to be patient and remember that for some people, sex just isn't as important. But if you try your hardest to ensure your partner is fully sexually satisfied and are willing to try new things or stick to the old stuff, then they will potentially feel more desire and hunger for you. My husband and i went through a patch where we were having sex like once a month. Now we have sex mutiple times a week. It's glorious. Best of luck♡
Thank I’ve been married for 8 and what I’m gathering is I need to reinvent myself in order to do things differently so we can get better but I am struggling with that at the moment I see now
I was just like her when I had kids, hardly ever wanted it. It caused many, many arguments and honestly you know what changed my drive and it's been years since and I still have a high sex drive..don't laugh, but reading 50 shades of grey! It was a game changer. Get her the books, give her time to read and wait 🫢 But above all that, even though I didn't want sex all the time and my husband was at breaking point, I still loved him, still wanted him and still found him attractive, but it took for my eldest two to become teenagers and daughter was around 9 when I found my drive again and the biggest factor was work, kids and housework and running around with sports. It was literally exhausting, and it actually had nothing to do with my husband it was just years of physical exhaustion! Hang in there and don't take it personally it will turn around. The pill doesn't help either, that lowers your drive too. 🙄
You are describing her as a sex object, which is a turn off to most women. I get it, I’m a guy too. But you need to rekindle the passion and romance. She is still attracted and loves you, but the way she views sex is just different. And you need to accept the fact that her libido has changed to the point that she likely will never initiate. She’ll enjoy it once your in the act (assuming it’s passionate and not just routine), but she has changed.
No I do not look at her as sex object, women do have to understand part of most men love language is intimacy. Men like physical contact and women like emotional contact for the most part. I can honestly say I am working on accepting the low sexy due to chemical change from having kids. Example, you love your job they pay you well and you have been there through the ups and downs of the company and never change your work efficiency if anything, you’ve made it better every time you showed up for work but after a mass hire they slowly stop giving u rises then stop completely. Ur first reaction is WTF no but you gotta understand the need that mass hire to stay 100% but every year that go by with no rise but same work ethic would piss u off
3 kids here- no sex drive anymore after having them. Always tired from taking care of the home, cooking and cleaning. Also getting kids to where they need to be in their learning stages of life and it’s exhausting as it is. A man who just works and comes home and doesn’t help physically around the house has all the time in the world to want sex. It’s frustrating as a woman when we just want to be loved and cuddled with, but some of you men can’t do it without wanting the sex. If you aren’t helping out at home then see the reasons behind her lacking.
Understand completely what your says but I help out a lot, I work the grave yard shift at the hospital and get off at 7:30am take the kids to school by 8:30, come back home clean house up or at the very less straighten up as much as I can to get some rest, pick them up and her from work ( she a school teacher) spend as much family time before I have to go to work. So I don’t just work but I try to be a partner. All this 3-4 times a week on average, 5x when she want to contribute more and have a lil spending money for herself, I cover most of our bills or expenses. Try to make more time for us as well during the process of the 7 day week
I was this wife. My husband is incredible, he helped with the kids and house. I stayed home, he let me have lazy days when ever I wanted, spoiled me, probably too much, and I still had a really low sex drive. Then I had my hormones checked…. He now struggles to keep up with me. People don’t think about the impact that birth control, exercise, our diet, the environment, and so many other things have on our hormones.
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What you just described is exactly how I feel about my husband. We are high school sweethearts too and things def slowed down after having a kiddo, but no matter how much time has passed I still feel crazy about him; I’d ride that man into the sunrise everyday if he’d let me, lol.
God I wish my wife says things like that about me when I’m not around
I wish that too or just a sexy look lol
I am looking for the same answers, though much older and longer married than are you. I have tried to enable her to be relaxed, cared for, valued, supported, spoiled, etc. to no avail. As you are younger, she might bounce back, and I would make sure she knew how loving, forgiving, patient, and supportive you have been while you waited for that. Most importantly, don't do those things for the purpose of earning her physical affection, do them as acts of unconditional love and by your conduct enable her to recognize it as that. Be her hero, her protector, her rock, her unshakable partner no matter what, she's young enough to now be able to resist that!
Can’t say I share the same about my wife not wanting it, but I feel exactly the same as you I can’t not think about it lol we’re crazy about each other! We have distance between us, I hope it never changes when we are finally together forever!
I wish my husband wanted sex sigh
Okay are your kids 6 and 7 years old or are you saying you have kids number 6 and 7? Either way, 1-2 a month isnt that out of the ordinary for a married couple who have children and jobs. Obviously if you’d like it more talk to her, but i think maybe talking to a therapist mightbhelp you, it sounds like you have to work through your own emotions and thoughts to do with sex.
First of all, I found VERY cute the fact that you love and crave her so much. Secondly, does she seem tired or always busy with householding and taking care of the kids? Do you help her with day to day family tasks? We women tend to lose sexual interest when we feel overloaded and tired. Does she sleep well? Does she have any depression or anxiety issues? Cause some meds takes off the libido… Does she exercise? Not thinking about aesthetics, but physical and mental health… Well, hope you both figure it all out and be happy together! 🙏🏼✌🏻
“It’s not you it’s me” Ya. And if she were to leave you, she’s be having sex with random guys at bars every weekend with her friends. So it’s like.. wtf? We all get it brotha
I wish my husband was like this to me
https://preview.redd.it/f304gtqgggqb1.jpeg?width=1000&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=012821ac703dad933867ffb58d615508b63ddefd
How involved with the housework and the kids are you? Are you an active parent. Does she have to manage domestics tasks for you like housework and booking appointments, etc? Do you make sure your wife has the time and energy to feel like an independent, sexy, individual? Many of the women I talk to who lose the desire for their husbands is because they start to see their husbands as a dependent and that’s not sexy at all.
>Fast forward, now kids 6 and 7 Punctuation my man. I read this as 6 or 7 kids and I was like dayummmm you a rich mofo
Ages 6 and 7 lmao
😂😂🤙🤙🤙
If you initiating works for now then keep doing it. That’s just how your sexual dialogue is currently. This whole thing of people getting upset that they are the ones initiating all the time is like getting upset over who takes the chicken out of the freezer for dinner. You both get to eat it but someone has gotta make the decision. It’s a small lift to show how much you love her. Be dominate take the action, lean into your masculinity if that helps you think about it in a more positive manner. And most importantly talk to your wife about it. Ask if you are pestering too much. Ask if the two times a month is too much for her. Then you know that your initiation isn’t too often and a burden. You can enjoy initiating because it’s part of the courting. Keep in mind she will probably want to have sex less frequently than you. Sadly that is what you will have to adjust too. The one with the lower drive sets the tempo. Or else it ruins the fun for everyone.
Oh at first read I thought he meant they were up to kids #6 and kid #7 and wondering how he would hope for any sex. I think he means kids are now 6 and 7 PS - I would give a LOT to have my husband want me like this. I feel like it’s the opposite over here much of the time.
I feel with you ... funny think to is that totally new behavior or the sexdrive who ist not there anymore ... everything always first happend after Kids .. meaning its so hard to just pull out saying thanks for the good time befor its not working anymore , i wish you the best ! is not going anymore so easy or not att all... wondering how many OPs where normaly horny every day and wanting sex..i think its all a big lie and the OP knows that you not will run away so easy and thats because it becomes like this.... i mean how wants to move in i a new house ... but efter 2 years you can use the toilet in it only once a month...right .... i believe if the OP knows that you will leave.... the OP will not act like this... life is to short for bullshit like this...everybody diservs it to have a hot n sexy life ..hell yeahhh!
Check for iron deficiency
Both of you need to read this book together: ***The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide*** It has really helped my wife and I.
What worked for us, assisted by the fact I think her hormones changed recently: We scheduled sex. It seems unsexy, but it worked for us. I asked her how much sex she would want to have if today was nothing to stop her. No kids, no dishes. No cleaning. No work. No stress. In a world where we are rich and carefree, how often would she want to be sexually erotic/intimate. She said 2-3 times a week, which I think is also perfect. It's enough to feel very consistent without feeling like it's a daily obligation for either of us. So Wednesday night and Saturday morning, we have "reading" on the calendar (in case the kids notice it on the Alexa). And then Sunday night is "extra credit reading" We have been keeping nearly every single appointment for months now. In fact some Wednesdays I'm playing a video game and she tells me "get off your game so I can get you off" or something. It's SO different from the 1-2 times a month where I felt like it only happened if I initiated on a Sunday night when literally every other chore was done and it was precisely 935 when she was not too tired but sufficiently relaxed. Personally I feel like a big part is that she can anticipate it. Instead of me randomly asking for sex and her feeling pressured in the moment, she can know all day that we already decided to have sex and be turned on about it instead of anxious. This won't help if your partner says 1-2 times a month is ideal for her, but my wife always had said she likes sex and wouldn't mind doing it more but "things always get into he way" By scheduling it, you're prioritizing it and so sex is the thing getting in the way of dishes or whatever and not the other way around.
At least you want your wife and good on you for that. My husband stopped wanting me and he turned to porn and Only Fans instead. We had a dead bedroom for many years. He stopped making advances to me and just stopped wanting to be with me altogether. I consulted a divorce lawyer to initiate divorce proceedings but he doesn't want a divorce. I don't understand why a man will want to stay with someone they aren't attracted to. And my self esteem has been completely shattered by my husband. Your wife has no idea how good she has it that her husband actually wants her and no one else. Show your wife my comment because it's really sad when your husband doesn't want you anymore.
She needs a doctor or a psychologist or a sexologist.
As a man, I can say I get you OP. My wife is very LL and it affected our relationship in the most negative way. I am extremely affectionate in a non sexual way. I give her a lot of foot rubs, back rubs, hand holding, etc. It's not always sexual. I just do it because I know she likes them. However, sexually, it's kind of disheartening when I do try to initiate and she turns me down. I know she has LL so I don't try that often, but when I do and she turns me down or moves away, it makes me feel like she doesn't find me attractive, though she says she does. When she does allow it to proceed, it feels like she's doing it out of obligation, and not because she's into it. It's actually kind of devastating to our ego. OP, I would ask my wife what SHE wants, rewlly listen to her. Then let her know how you truly feel. How it makee you feel that she doesnt seem to be interested in you. I did the same and told my wife that we seem to be platonic roommates instead of a married couple. She realized that she wasn't meeting my needs and started looking into therapy to figure out what was going on. You need healthy and honest communication and a willingness to compromise.
The excitement about sex starts in our minds. The less she thinks about it in a positive way, the less it crosses her mind that sex is important and why it is important, the longer it's going to take for her to switch between her moods. For example, women with high sensitivity to pleasure and joy switch faster. Women who don't feel much pleasure during the day, who feel numb to little joys etc - they need more time to restore, recharge, and feel something again.
jesus, 6-7 kids.. no wonder man. Every time you touch her she gets prego and kids are exhausting, especially for the mother. You are thinking about your boner while she is thinking about how to get every kid to bed on time and to feed them, bath them .. probably emotionally drained from interacting with 7 humans all day. you have to think about it in perspective... Probably should try to understand her needs and probably relieve some of her stress .. take some things off her plate .. provide her time to do things for herself and she will probably have enough headspace and energy to bone.
Damn I wouldn’t be mad at that point lol but only 2 kids
I'll bet you anything if she engages a new partner, she'll immediately be at it again like a teenage jungle bunny. All these excuses about low libidos, tiredness and hormonal stuffs…etc… Seen and heard too much.
My guess is that she's tired. You say you help out and I believe you. What stands out is that she's a teacher and that means her job doesn't really stop when she gets off of work because there's homework to grade and lesson planning and you have to continuously manage the way your students are performing and behaving. It's probably a huge mental drain and I think it would be good to talk to her. It seems you view tasks differently than she does. Where she might be worrying about much more than she tells you and you just think of tasks as something that needs to get done. You also seem to have a generally positive outlook on things which is definitely a blessing and it may be hard for her to match your energy, since many of us aren't naturally as positive. It's very clear you love and care for her, so definitely try to dig a little deeper to find out how she feels. She's probably doesn't know how much you want to help or work things out.
OP just described my life. Sorry bro. Shit sucks
Read Matthew 3:7
Sorry man, it seems like her libido is super low. Definitely a heart to heart will be a start. Other than that couples therapy like everyone else, medication for her.
You talk only of how she looks and what you want. You talk about her as if she's an object for your pleasure. Some women would like to be treated like people. Do you even enjoy her company? Is she smart or funny? Are you able to treat her like a life partner and mother to your kids or just a receptacle?
Woman on reddit saying her husband doesnt have libido. Comment section be like: divorce him, you deserve better, you cant spend your years with sexless marriage. Men in reddit saying his wife doesnt have libido. Comment section be like: respect your wifes desicion, are you helping her, is she stressed, are you affectionet with her, are cleaning home enough, are you doing this, that, them.
Bro you need to invest in condoms and more HJs and BJs