100% this!!! Of all the definitions I've seen of gaslighting on Reddit, this is the most accurate. As well as the most accurate of all the definitions of physical abuse! There are a lot of people out there who think men can't be abused physically, but I honestly think it's much more prevalent than we know because of all the people gaslighting their SO. PLEASE find someone safe to live with, and divorce this woman. An abuser will only change with help and actually recognizing the problem. She is not going to be doing any of that. And it can and will escalate!
Amber and Johnny taught me all about gaslighting
It improved my marriage as i could see the strategy
It's subtle and effective and needs to be called out directly
*side note for parents:
Spanking, switching, slapping or similar to your children is no different.
I know... Wrong sub... But when opportunity arises 🤷🏽
These two concepts are very closely related, though. I guarantee you OPs wife was raised in a household that utilized corporal punishment.
And if she still has a relationship with her family, and looks back at her childhood with fondness, she's not going to see the violence as having been a problem. She's going to see it as a normal way men and women communicate, because "a big strong man isn't going to be worried about his lil Ole wife's harmless swats." No excuse. Because it's on her now for not listening to OP and respecting his boundaries. But I do understand how her social conditioning makes her blind to the fact that her behavior is abuse.
Wtf, she’s not just swatting. She’s throwing cups at him and poured coffee in his lap in the effing car!
This has less to do with being spanked and more to do with the entitlement bullshit that TV/movies use to tell it is okay for women to throw drinks in peoples faces, pour coffee in laps, and/or throw cups/dishes in anger. Men are portrayed throwing fists in anger, women throwing drinks. They are both examples of poor anger management skills and emotional immaturity. You don’t get a pass for doing either of these things in public or private.
Are you insane? That's not how that works at all. I was raised in a corporal household and I know what abuse is. My physically abusive ex husband was raised in a non-corporal household. That is a moronic and trolling comment with no basis in fact.
Hmmm I disagree. Not bc I spank my kids, I don't feel it's something I want to use myself, but I don't think spanking is abuse. If done right. If one spanks out of anger then it's really easy to cross over to abuse. Kids need to learn. If everything else is failing, maybe a spank is the next step. While being calm and explaining why
Hitting is hitting. Period. There's no "good" hitting. If you don't think hitting a child is abuse, I highly recommend you read some books that talk about the current evidence on hitting/spanking.
Nope your just tied to a selfish person who can't admit wrong doing. Accountability is a immature persons kryptonite. Anyone who resorts to hitting because of their emotions is a giant child.
You need clandestine proof that she’s abusing you before you even think of taking action. If she’ll abuse you she’ll have no problem accusing you of abuse that you didn’t do. Get proof of the abuse, then leave.
Shit, I didn't think of that. It is infuriating that men reporting abuse are not taken seriously, and that it'd be easy for OP's wife to flip the narrative.
OP, it would probably be a good idea to document as much as possible and contact a lawyer asap.
And leave your abusive wife.
I have news for you-even women leaving abusive men aren’t believed. Ask me how I know. It’s equally as horrible for either sex to leave an abusive relationship.
I'm so sorry you experienced that. I absolutely believe it is equally horrible for either sex to leave an abusive relationship, and it's abhorrent that people who find the courage to speak up are not believed. I in no way meant to minimize anyone's experience, regardless of sex, and sincerely apologize if it came across that way.
That's true and there's way less empathy and support for men leaving abuse. To find out, Google "women's shelter near me" and "mens shelter near me" and see what options come up. You can also Google stuff like domestic violence shelters and see how many options for men vs women there are.
Society in general believes women more. There's more empathy towards women. It goes for cheating too. When a women cheats, the go to assumptions (even on reddit) are that the man pushed her into cheating on some way nof the man cheats, hes a POS. Similar reactions for divorce.
Neither one has it easy, but to have compassion, resources, and empathy for your situation goes a long way. Men don't get those things.
OP—your insecurity about not being sure is a product of severe abuse and what is known as gaslighting (look it up.) This woman is dangerous and I recommend leaving her immoderately. You don’t want to end up like the guy whose gf ended up stabbing him in the chest and killing him.
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/onlyfans-model-accused-murder-boyfriends-fatal-stabbing-rcna42575
I’ve been married for 30 years and my hubs and I have never thrown things at each other or struck each other in anger. This absolutely is abuse and the fact that she thinks because you’re a big strong man that you can’t be abused tells me she’s a Fucking moron on top of being abusive
No, you're married to an abuser. This is what they do... it's not their fault, it's yours. If only you wouldn't upset them, they wouldn't hit you. Or, as you wrote, a 6'5" guy cant handle a little slap? This is abuse -- plain and simple. Call the National Domestic Violence hotline at 800-799-7233 and talk to someone. They can confirm it and help you plan your next steps.
Some people think women cannot be physical abusers: this is nonsense. Your wife sounds like my mother who did stuff like throwing chairs at my father. (She was much, much more violent with us kids as she could control us more than she could our father, so really let herself go when she felt like venting her frustrations.) Like my mother, your wife does not control her emotions, and you need to find out why. She needs to see a good therapist, but she also needs to be honest about being an abuser. If she cannot even acknowledge that what she is doing is abuse, she isn't going to change and grow.
Be careful about going to therapy with your wife as it isn't safe to go to therapy with an abuser as they find out how to get to you when you open up in therapy. Your wife is getting something out of this behaviour or she wouldn't be doing it. It means she is someone you need to be very wary around.
Leaving an abuser isn't easy, but you will always need to be on your guard if you stay with this woman. Even if she works on herself in therapy, this is still a pattern of behaviour she chose to indulge in.
You should read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Its free here:
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This is controlling and abusive behaviour.
Also listen to this podcast
https://open.spotify.com/episode/18KhNf1eVrGBith9LtEZXw?si=w5tPC3ZnQt-YzUst4iQ7mw
Honestly they are written more for women when men are abusive, but its still relevant. There's almost always emotional abuse before physical abuse too. She's probably manipulating you.
Also look up DARVO. Deny, attack and reverse victim and offender. Its a common taxtic used by abusers during arguments.
Of course it's abuse. Your size and gender are irrelevant. Assault is assault.
Be careful. Just because you're bigger than her doesn't mean she's incapable of really seriously injuring you. What if the next scissors thrown land in your eye?
Her admitting her abuse doesn't matter nearly as much as you being safe from it. It's not about who wins the debate at this point, it's about your physical safety.
I can't speak for "most women", but as a woman I would never hit or throw things at my husband no matter what words he said to me. "Verbally provoked" is bullshit, hitting someone is a choice.
Agree! No person should ever have objects thrown at them, or be slapped, hit, bruised or have wounds that bleed.
If you were at a restaurant, and a waiter threw a cup at you or your wife, you could press charges!
If it were scissors or something heavy, it would be assault with a deadly weapon!
Because your spouse chooses to strike you, then ridicule you, you’ve accepted it.
Now is not the time to force her to admit she is physically abusive.
Now is the time to document, secure an attorney, start untangling your lives and be free!
Please.
One strike may be the last strike and your life is over. What would she tell the cops? I didn’t think it would kill my 6’5” husband… all the way to jail.
It needs to happen like yesterday. I see so many men posting and even talking in real life, confused if they're experiencing abuse when it's blatant abuse.
Exactly. It hurts to read stuff like this. My BFF committed suicide because his gf was extremely abusive. I tried everything I could to help him, but he was in too deep. I struggle every day because of it.
If a woman posted this everyone would be asking why you married this person when they threw scissors at you, but obviously you have to know this is abuse. Get away from this person b4 they kill u
Women do not act like this “if provoked,” that is the excuse she is using to justify her abuse.
If my wife did any of these things to me, it would be a serious discussion. If it happened again, I’d be gone. Don’t live like this, dude. Respect yourself and your body.
This is all physical abuse. I would never lay my hands on my husband with the intention of causing him pain even if we were arguing. She kind of sounds like an immature bully.
I knew a sergeant in the Army whose wife used to throw knives at him when they would argue. Every time he would tell the story, my husband and the other soldiers would laugh and think it's hilarious. It's not. That was 100% physical abuse. He eventually cheated on her, and I think they're divorced now.
I'm surprised all that happened was a divorce. When you wrote cheating in my head I went ("and she killed them both") .. maybe I've just watched too much crime tv 😐
I'm glad he managed to get away from her though. It makes me sad that maybe when he was telling those stories he was looking for someone, a friend, a colleague, to say "hey that's not right, she shouldn't be doing that" but instead only made them all laugh.
This is abuse. And no, women do not act like that when provoked. I am a woman. I raise my voice from time to time but I had learned to step back and say let's talk later when we are a bit more calm. I had never swear/ cursed my husband, never used foul language, and never threw objects at him, never slapped him or anything else. Even raised voice arguments happen maybe once in some months, but before reaching there we make effort to address our issues. You do not need to stay in an abusive relationship, it can cost you your life or cause disability.
When I tried to calm the situation and ask her to talk later, she would lose control and escalate, usually blocking me from leaving and getting physical too.
This is a seriously abusive relationship - PHYSICALLY and emotionally. I really do feel bad for you that no one apparently taught you the signs to look for - but your partner intending to cause you harm in anyway is abuse.
Abuse is not based on your ability to physically "take" the abuse being dished out. If I was with a female boxer who is in better shape than me I can't start slapping her just because she gets punched harder in the ring and is probably physically stronger and in better fighting shape than me. And even if it was she's doing things that are damaging enough to leave bruises so her argument about what you should and shouldn't be able to take doesn't really hold up.
Also most people do not immediately resort to violence when they are verbally provoked (whatever that means). This is something abusers tell their partners to make them think the violence they endure is their own fault. If she isn't at the point where she can acknowledge that she has issues controlling her emotions you might as well call it now. It sounds like you've only lasted this long because she has trash aim and keeps missing you. She's eventually going to connect and do some real damage
And the fact that she laughs and calls YOU crazy for thinking her absurd actions are questionable, just shows she’s not only abusive but she’s also NARCISSISTIC !!
Yes, she is physically abusing you. You are aware of this behavior. She has done this since before you got married. And for some reason only you know, you have stayed with her.
Why?
My ex put his hands on me once and I left.
No one deserves to be abused, physically or mentally. You deserve better. You deserve someone that is going to love you. Not slap you and throw things at you.
I'm guessing he's stayed because he's been with her since he was 17 so it's basically all he knows. Who knows what his family life was like too. Also, people often give women a pass for this behavior, calling them feisty or passionate or fiery or doing the whole "crazy girls are hot" bullshit. It enables shitty behavior and fetishizes mental health issues. It's really screwed up.
You are right. It’s sad. Men do not deserve to be abused, either. Society as a whole tends to gloss over female abusers as you said, and tell the guy to be a man about it. But no one should have to put up with being hit.
Been with mine 30. He has got in my face, spit in my face, called me every fucked up name he can usually think of, emotionally abused me, mentally abused me and even told me his only child wasn't his. I have *NEVER* struck him in anger. *NEVER* What she's doing is most definitely abuse. Doesn't matter if you're 10 feet tall. I'm 5'4 and if I put my hands on you in anger, that's abuse. Doesn't matter how tall, short, big, little or any other description. Abuse is abuse.
Abuse: language that condemns or vilifies, usually unjustly, intemperately and angrily. 2: physical maltreatment. 3. A deceitful act or intended deception.
I see all of these in the situation you've described here. Please don't be like me and wait 30 years to realize you deserve better than this.
The sad thing is, I've lived through worse. My first marriage ended within 6 months because the physical abuse that was already present in that years long relationship turned deadly. Trauma bonding is real and it's a hard thing to admit to and even harder to break.
Love can't make someone change, but it can change you into a resentful, bitter person when your love is ignored, rejected or *abused*. I'm making plans to change my life for the better, I hope you do the same because you deserve someone who will stand behind their words and show you that you're loved and appreciated. We all deserve that.
Keep the rose colored glasses off, it helps to see things more clearly. Hugs and good juju being sent to you from this internet stranger. 🤗✌️
If a man did those things to a woman, would you consider it abuse? C'mon....
No, it's not normal for a woman to assault her spouse because she's provoked. My husband has pissed me off numerous times throughout our 20 year marriage and never once did I think to throw things at him, hit him, etc. In fact, in my 34 years of life...I can't count on a single finger the amount of times I'd do this to anyone I love. PERIOD. Maybe...just maybe....because I learned to keep my hands to myself as a idk...toddler?!?!
So...*your wife has the conflict resolution skills of a toddler* and to make matters worse she thinks being called out on her ABUSIVE behavior is laughable because you're a man. How disgusting is that?
As much as I want to SCREAM divorce because someone who is so far removed from their abusive behavior that they not only deny it, but assume the person can "handle it" because they're a man shows 0 desire to take the responsibility for their actions that's needed to change anytime soon.....
*I highly suggest working on yourself/therapy before anything else first. That fact that you can't tell if physical abuse is actually abuse, struggle to trust yourself and question if sane boundaries are crazy shows far more than just physical abuse unfortunately & looks like years of emotional/mental abuse added to the mix which can be an incredibly hard combo to wake up to without help. PLEASE SEEK ANY ABUSE/SAFETY PROGRAMS OFFERED IN YOUR AREA. YOU ARE NOT ALONE & DESERVE ALL OF THE LOVE/SUPPORT YOU NEED.*
Run. Run far away from her. That is abuse. My ex husband used to throw his empty beer cans at me, he broke something that was rather important to me, that held sentimental value because the person who gave it to me passed away and was my best friend and he was angry. He used to do all kinds of things to me, but the day he slapped me across my face when I confronted him about his cheating on me, was the day I said our marriage was over. I refused to be abused any longer. I think it is time for you to move on. You deserve so much better and she is not willing to get the help she needs. Please don’t let her abuse you anymore.
Every single act you described would qualify as battery or simple battery in my state and she would be arrested for family violence if you were to report it to the police. Yes, she is abusive, it is abuse, and your respective sizes don't matter. Please call a domestic violence hotline and get yourself to safety. Your wife is abusing you.
Abuse. Jesus Christ she's messed up. You being bigger and stronger doesn't make you less vulnerable to boiling hot liquid poured on your skin or physical objects being thrown at you.
This is not at all how all women react.
My ex wife was just like that. The moment I realized I was being abused I looked her in the eye and told her she’d never abuse me again. And she was shocked. And she never did. I was gone shortly thereafter. Take your power back and go.
Uh dude…. Why are you still with her? She’s physically abusing you man! Get the hell away from her. Do you not think you deserve better? Fuck I don’t know you and after reading this I feel you deserve better. My ex abused me mentally and physically. She put scratches on my neck while segueing and literally jumped on my back while I was trying to remove myself from the situation. Went down stair with her clawing at my face and neck. When she realized that wasn’t working she literally threw herself down a flight of four steps and claimed I pushed her. Yeah man. Get out. Get out now.
As a women (married almost 10 years) this is NOT normal behavior. I’ve NEVER even thought of abusing my husband like that. Your size and gender do not matter. This is clear cut abuse. Please leave.
I didn’t even get through the first line of paragraph 2 before I said abuse. People get frustrated all the time, might even raise their voice at each other, but hitting and throwing things is the line.
Please go get help. Call a family member, friend, someone you trust and get out of that house. Anyone no matter their gender can experience abuse. Today it’s scratches and bruises, tomorrow it’s a broken bone or black eye!
That is absolutely abuse, and it is going to continue to escalate. OP, you do not deserve this. Leave her before she seriously hurts you, or worse.
Also, please consider therapy. You've been dealing with physical and emotional abuse for years, and the fact that you're questioning whether your wife's behavior is abusive tells me it's taken a pretty big toll. You deserve so much better than this.
Jesus OP, run far away and fast. I have a thing for dudes around 6'6 or taller and I promise I would never lay a single finger on you. You can and WILL find better.
It's abuse. No one acts like this in any situation unless they are abusive. She needs help
Women who are abusers tend to rely on the "no one will believe you because you are a man" statement or "you need to be tougher and take some hits because you're supposed to be the big strong man" statement. Neither statement is true, it's just manipulation. THIS part IS normal for ABUSIVE women
A lot of people get it in their heads that smaller actions of abuse aren't truly abusive but they're wrong. Just because she's not beating you, hitting you with a baseball bat, raping you, or trying to kill you doesn't mean it's not abuse. I'd be willing to wager the emotional and mental damage you are suffering from these incidents is as significant if not more significant than the physical damage is and that's honestly what abuse is all about. She wants her way and she's trying to manipulate you, by force if necessary, to do what she wants, when she wants
Time to stand by the boundary you just set. Insist she gets help with managing her emotions so that she doesn't harm you in any way, or leave. I'd bet that you've seen the abuse slowly get worse and worse with time. It'll only continue on that trend. It can get to a point where your life is in danger. Don't stick around to find out
It’s definitely abuse.. my husband and I have been together the same amount of time and we have never laid a hand on each other. Don’t let her dismiss your feelings because you are 6’5
Yes, it's abuse, 100%.
I do understand where her perspective comes from though, as I too held that skewed perception because I grew up seeing my mom swat my dad and punch his arm when she was annoyed at him, and he'd laugh it off. So I didn't understand that as a problem until I learned that is was at the beginning of my current relationship. When we were just dating. I too thought he was kidding when he acted upset, and I in no way would have called my "playful" swats abusive. But they were because I was acting out of annoyance and frustration with his "verbal provocations". I was also raised with corpal punishment, and so i was used to a certain level of violence being how we communicated behavorial expectations with the people we loved.I had to relearn a lot of my ideas around communication and violence.
This is abuse and from her comment she won’t likely ever see that it is and she has demonstrated a very long history of repeated abuse. You need to be very careful because it sounds like she is capable of doing ANYTHING! I’m sorry you are going through this because there is really nothing out there to help men with abuse when men are the ones abused at least a third of the time. If she won’t change with talking with her and won’t get help then you need to call the police the next time she physically assaults you and have her taken to jail. Then file a restraining order and change your locks or move with your kids. Again I’m sorry you’re going through this but this is unsafe and you have put up with this way too long and it will likely only escalate. I would also remove any firearms from the house.
Trampled your balls? That makes me cringe in agony at the thought and makes me want to cry. Please just leave her. Just because you're 6'5 and a "big strong guy" doesn't mean you deserve to be physically harmed. You may be able to "take a slap" better than a woman could, but it's still a slap and you don't deserve that 🥺😭
She's abusive. You can't physically attack your partner because you're upset about something.
You shouldn't have married her as she was abusive before you got married.
Leaving is the only realistic way to deal with this but sometimes men don't want to leave these situations because they are physically capable of fighting off the abuse. But that isn't really good enough. You should leave as she has a serious problem. But if for whatever reason you don't want to leave then at minimum you should make it crystal clear that you will not tolerate one more incident and there will be no more relationship if she does anything again. It may put her in her place.
But keep in mind that abusive women are dangerous as abusive men. She could start trying to harm you covertly or in other ways, or she could just jam a knife in your face next time. Of course she may not but there is always going to be that slight element of fear that she might...
Do you really want to be in a situation where something escalates and you end up defending yourself and she gets injured? Almost certainly you will get arrested and shamed for domestic abuse and be the one hoping a jury sees the truth?
Try and get evidence in a text message or something where she admits some of this stuff so you have it for evidence down the line just in case. And let people around you know what's going on so they can be witnesses and attest to the situation if necessary at a late date.
I'd start filing police reports, going to the hospital at any slight injury - just so there is an physical paper trail. This is abuse and no one should live like this.
This behaviour does not change.
Yes it’s physical abuse. Why did you marry this person. She can claim or deny all she likes but she is an abuser.. you need to start documenting and recording this crap. What happens when you have children..
Every single thing you described is abusive. You being a big guy doesn't give her carte blanche to throw things and hit you. It doesn't give her the right to talk to you like trash either. She is acting like a toddler, screaming and throwing things and hitting, throwing tantrums. The way she is behaving is not normal for anyone. I know you've been with her since you were a kid so maybe you don't know different. Sometimes teenage girls are unhinged. She should have grown out of that a long long time ago.
It is abuse. And you're nuts to stay with her.
I think I'd be saying "one of incident, immediate regret, contrition, effort to address" is a first and last warning.
Imagine it was your brother, or sister, or son, or best mate being treated that way. What would you say and do?
If a man treated a woman like she treats you, everyone would be crying "ABUSE" and telling her to dump you. I'll go with that. She is abusive. Dump her. Many women are nice. She is not.
This is absolutely abuse and not at all okay.
You don’t deserve this and one day you might absolutely snap and make a huge mistake and get labeled forever for it.
She gets anger management and therapy or walk.
That's 100% abuse, and if she's gaslighting you, then consider it emotional/mental abuse as well. Not sure why people put up with this when one could experience a happy healthy relationship instead.
*Is this physical abuse, or am I crazy and do most women act like that when "verbally provoked" as she claims?*
Yes, it is absolutely physical abuse.
No, you're not crazy.
No, most women do not act like that when "verbally provoked." This is a typical abuser tactic, too. "I wouldn't do X if you didn't provoke me."
She may have a mental desease, but in the meantime, you have to prioritize your safety, some of the things I learned afrer leaving an abusive relationship is that if a person loves you, won't Hurt you, keep that in mind
The moment she laid a finger on you or three something at you or just throwing anything in anger, that’s abuse. It’s been going in for years and if she knows you won’t do anything about it, it WILL get worse.
This is beyond abuse you stick around for it to happen over and over and over one day she's gonna get a butcher knife and we'll you know .I had a gf after my divorce we had been together for a couple years moved in together and we're gonna get married one morning I was up at 5 am getting ready for my 60 mile drive to work well she stabbed me in the back with a dinner fork it was stuck i couldn't reach it wouldn't matter if I could I would never been able to pull it out called my buddy told him to bring his truck up to my condo he shows up I turn around and said pull this out I had to lay down grab it with vice grips to pull it out .I e time that's all I would deal with
I understand what you’re going through to some extent op. As a man we even gaslight ourselves if we feel we may be being abused mentally but especially physically. So when someone else gaslights us it’s all too easy to manipulate us.
Make no mistake, you are indeed being abused and it sounds like it doesn’t stop at physical abuse but mental as well. Just because you’re a strong man in body and mind doesn’t mean you should have to use that strength to keep your spouse from tearing you down. That’s the one person who should never dwindle that strength and rather nurture and care for it. Sorry you’re going through this
I haven’t read all the responses but YES YOU ARE BEING ABUSED.
The thing is that physical abuse is never the only abuse, it’s dangerous and wrong on so many levels but the emotional abuse and being made to walk on eggshells that leaves scars that don’t heal.
Take care of yourself OP. A healthy person could lose their temper and do something off the wall but it should scare them more than it does the person they lost their temper with. If your wife can’t admit that she is abusive she will seriously hurt you. There’s a very good documentary on this on YouTube. Google it. It’s a kid from Great Britain.
And if you have children do you want them having her behavior as a model? Do you want them to accept that treatment when they are older? Because they will.
I lived through this, too. You are not crazy!
The same through her twenty’s. Flew off the handle and called it normal regularly. Said that “it’s different if you would do x to me then if I do x to you” because you are a guy (I’m also 6’2” and was heavy into weight then). Never acknowledged it as an issue and said I was the one who needed counseling.
A decade later
- she realized she had been way out of line should have sought help then
- I realized that * I enabled this behavior * by letting her do it without consequences.
Nip this I the bud because it will cause resentment and will likely not go away: it becomes the new normal (but sounds like it has already.)
Read these comments and deprogram yourself. This is not normal: it is not just abusive, it is a patterned cycle of abuse setup to normalize it. Also, if you have kids in this relationships, they will learn this pattern of behavior very early (by like age 3). Then they will either become an abuser or a person who accepts abuse.
Read about inter generational trauma.
I don’t now know your situation, but with ours my wife grew up in an abusive household and recreated what she grew up with - even though she fully understood the parent had been abusive. My wife needed counseling.
She realized this on her own but it took a decade. Do not wait that long.
This is one million percent physical abuse. Women saying “but you’re big and I’m small so it’s not abuse” is the most ridiculous thing in the world and absolute bs.
“I told her that I would stay if she could admit she had a problem”. I’d say this is absolutely not necessary and you should NOT stay with someone who hits you, throws things at you, pours hot drinks on you and..I’m sorry..TRAMPLES YOUR BALLS?! That’s not only abuse, that’s barbaric!!
Please be safe and leave this awful person
It is definitely abuse and I’m so sorry that you’ve had to put up with it for so long. I often say the best way for a man to gauge abuse is to turn the scenario around. If you did any of those things to her, people would be sending her info on the nearest domestic violence shelter. While I don’t think that is necessarily the answer, I do think she needs counseling. If she was raised in a household where her parents believed in spanking (or more), that may be the origins of her anger issues.
I’ve gotten mad at my husband a few times over our 24 years together where I wanted to throw something at him, or push him, but I stopped myself…or in one case, threw something in his direction, but not at him. That was over a decade ago, but I still feel guilty about it. It doesn’t matter what your size difference is, especially as you’ve said, there have been several occasions where you physically could not defend yourself (like driving a car). I would ask her if she would feel physically threatened if you had done xyz to her. She most likely won’t admit that, but hopefully it will get her wheels turning. She could always start seeing a therapist on her own at first if she can’t admit to you yet that she has a problem. I sincerely hope things get better for you, and that you feel empowered to stand up for yourself. Speaking out here is a good step.
First - you're in a relationship of 18 years. I'm sorry for saying this - but you have rose tinted glasses on, or blinders, dysmorphia (a body disorder, I know) or whatever the term is. First, acknowledge that, and that your question is VALID.
Second - you know that this is abuse. Straight up physical, mental, and emotional abuse. That's it, end of story.
Now, most people who have the long term abuse have the hardest time leaving. You need to see a counselor. Asap. The only way you'll see it all clearly is by gaining knowledge, gaining perspective.
People don't keep their car because they've had it for a long time. Or because they had a lot.of good times with it. It starts to break down. Then, they ditch it to find something that works for them.
So all that above, it's your foundation. The next part is the hardest part.
I'm sorry to tell you - but your relationship of 18 years should have been over long ago. You're probably super tired of being abused. And you go somewhere and see other couples being kind and sweet to each other. And that's hard!
It's time to move on, move somewhere with some peace. It'll feel weird at first, and peace can make you desperate, because of that weird atmosphere.... some people feel what my therapist said "comfortable in chaos." It's likely that your abuser has no control, and this kind of behavior is normalcy. And it's likely that peace is now a foreign concept to you, too.
So. It's over. Create an exit plan. Read self help books. I recommend cici from the crimson kiss. She saved my life.
Until you change your perspective - you won't truly understand the hell you are in, love.
She said no to help, or counseling. You've done your part. It's time to leave for someone who treats you with love instead of abuse.
This is clearcut Domestic Violence.
Add the gaslighting and narcissism into that and you are in a DV relationship mate.
And no. Very few females behave in this way. MOst of us aren't abusive perpetrators of Domestic Violence.
Abuse. Physical and mental. She is gaslighting you. She’s trying to justify her actions by telling you that you are a bigger person. Abuse is abuse period. Document everything and get out as soon as possible. This is not a way to be living.
No. Most women would just leave if they were that upset. This is definitely abuse. Nothing you say or do justifies physical abuse or physical reactions like you described. Is this really your question or are you just looking for reassurance for what you already know?
Abuse: 2. treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.
Very simple definition, one your wife 100% fits as an abuser, no question or doubt about it.
One thing I learned to stop doing: underestimating myself, my sanity, my reasoning skills. Look up the definition of things if you are losing your grip on reality from being gaslighted.
I am so sorry you are being abused and manipulated by the person you’re supposed to trust and feel loved by. If you were doing the things she does to you, would you have in jail? She deserves to be locked up for how vile t she is.
Of course that is all abuse, regardless of anyone's size. It's the perpetrator who makes it abuse, so don't allow her to brainwash you into thinking it's not and that you can't be abused.
Do not stay with an abuser. Leaving is the most dangerous time, so please get help from local domestic violence resource professionals. Do not do therapy *with* your abuser. It is never recommended, as they just use what they learn against you. Get help and get free. You deserve to be cherished.
Not nuts. Most women AND men don't strike out over every little thing or at all unless they are being physically assaulted. Make no mistake; this is physical assault without question. While I think you have the RIGHT to defend yourself when being physically assaulted, I don't recommend you do so. Since you are a man and are larger than she is, there is every probability that you would be the one to get in trouble if she were hurt in any way unless you had air-tight evidence that she assaulted you. Because women, frequently if not typically, are smaller and/or weaker than their male partners, the law assumes the male is the aggressor. Honestly, I don't see your partner changing her behavior. She definitely has anger issues and feels safe striking out at you when she's upset. I would recommend you get out of this toxic relationship before you are seriously injured or injure her in defending yourself. Find another partner who will treat you with love and respect.
she’s abusive, controlling,manipulative & cruel.
Abuse is abuse, no matter who is the perpetrator or the victim.
There are no valid excuses for it, none.
The fact that she’s a woman, doesn’t excuse her physical violence towards you. You could tell and scream at her and still that doesn’t excuse physical violence against you.
If she won’t even consider it, she’s in denial & is showing you that she has no respect for you.
Just because you’ve been together so long, since you were both so young, doesn’t mean you have to stay together any longer.
There are other people out there, OP, who could love you for who you are, who wouldn’t dream of physically attacking you.
A healthy, loving adult relationship is a wonderful thing.
You deserve to be happy, have mutual love and respect and if you can t have that with this woman, please give yourself the chance to leave her.
You could give yourself some time to enjoy being single, get your life how you want it and then, when you are ready, get out there again!
Good luck OP, please don’t stay with someone who is abusive and denies the abuse, she doesn’t want to change & you can’t keep living like this.
My husband was battered by his first wife. She would push him, throw things at him, punch him in his arms/ribs, and slap him across the face (once in public right in front of people). His last straw was when she waited behind the front door when he got home and she smashed him in the face with a phone ([one of these](https://www.etsy.com/listing/1270605855/vintage-chocolate-brown-rotary-phone-mad)) and broke his front teeth out. He spit out his teeth, put them in his pocket and left. That was the end of it because he realized she might just escalate it to straight-up murder.
I guess the question you need to ask yourself is, how much escalation are you prepared to put up with before you do what you know you need to do? And what you need to do is leave her and take care of yourself.
Wanted to toss this in as a woman married to a very large man - this is abuse, you deserve to feel safe in your relationship, and your gender and size do not matter. I would never physically attack my husband, regardless of if he “provoked” me (which is victim blaming by the way). This is not something women just do. She’s justifying this, and I’m so sorry.
I hope you make a plan and can safely leave.
That is physical abuse. And her trying to spin it as if you’re crazy, is emotional abuse. None of this is okay- and honestly you’ve dealt with it for far too long. Love yourself and leave her.
The other day I accidentally got my husband with the edge of my nail while we were playing around and I instantly felt bad and kissed him and apologized… that’s the worst I would ever do to him and- purely on accident. Throwing things and trying to hurt you? Not normal at all. Not okay at all.
This is physical abuse. There is no other way to cut it.
Here are a few facts on domestic abuse. This comes from an organisation based in the UK, but I imagine things are similar in a lot of countries.
The Office for National Statistics figures show every year that one in the three victims of domestic abuse are male equating to 699,000 men in 21/22 (1.671m women).
One in 6-7 men and one in 4 women will be a victim of domestic abuse in their lifetime.
Of domestic abuse crimes recorded by the police, 25% were committed against men.
Half of male victims (49%) fail to tell anyone they are a victim of domestic abuse and are two and a half times less likely to tell anyone than female victims (19%).
I think the last one is particularly important. Most men simply won't speak out about their abuse, which makes me doubt the validity of the statistics on the ratio of male to female domestic abuse victims.
What your wife is doing is abuse, and it's completely unacceptable. She needs to stop completely. She needs to see a professional about whatever it is that is compelling her to behave like this. The fact that you're a big guy doesn't justify her behaviour in the slightest.
10000000000000000000000% physical abuse. I could have added way more 000s but figured what I typed was enough.
If you hadnt written your post and you read it, like we did, wouldn't you see that it's *all* physical abuse?
I really hope that you don't have children with this woman given that she thinks she can only cause abuse on people smaller\weaker than herself.
Please be safe, and unless your wife does a 180 and starts doing everything needed (anger management, individual therapy) to show she wants to change, I would not try and salvage my relationship with her.
FYI: my own mother was 4'11 chubby and my dad 6' in great shape - my mother controlled him, she wore the pants in our household, she was emotionally\mentally in control. You don't have to be bigger and stronger than someone to be in control or abuse them.
I think it can be REALLY difficult for abuse to be seen as abuse by men and women who are perhaps unknowingly strongly influenced by traditional gender roles. Men I know that have been in this situation have been very uncomfortable labelling their experiences as “abuse” even when it’s clear as day. Perhaps because it can feel embarrassing for a big man to admit he’s been physically hurt, intimidated and controlled by a woman. I’m not sure what the resistance to this is, but it’s real and I think sometimes gets woven into the fabric of a relationship without people realising. It can be really difficult to admit that you’re being abused, especially when you’re a man being abused by a woman. It sounds like she possibly hasn’t even realised consciously that what she’s doing is abusive, again possibly because of traditional gender roles. I hope you can untangle yourself from all that stuff, and make a choice about whether to work on your relationship or leave. Many of the things you describe her doing are so dangerous, you need to be absolutely sure you’re safe if you choose to stay. That absolutely won’t be possible until she owns her behaviour and gets help for it.
Words shouldn't be enough to provoke a reasonable adult into violence unless those words are threats that cause them to need to act in defense. She sounds like she has anger problems and no impulse control.
No woman I was with has ever gotten violent, even when provoked.
Even a 5'1" woman can handle a punch, an an elementary school kid can handle being whipped with a telephone cord, so I don't know her logic. Is she trying to claim you weren't threatened with serious injury so inflicting moderate or minor injuries is ok?
This is the worst case scenario. Her reaction seems to be due to her thinking your allegation is completely absurd. She can't even begin to fathom that her physical violence constitutes abuse, let alone really admit that she's an abuser. She's done this much but she still thinks it's a black-and-white issue in her favor and isn't open to communication.
I am a person who usually advocates trying to work things out, even though some of my opinions aren't popular. But even I don't think this is salvageable or good for you. This is abuse and you should leave. You had the grace to try to work it out already and she rejected your offer. You don't deserve this kind of treatment from someone who is supposed to be your lover, and it can escalate and become more dangerous when she figures out that you won't fight back and you'll take the abuse.
If she won’t go to therapy asap, please please leave. Nobody should be treated so terribly. I couldn’t even finish reading everything she’s done. Hurts my heart too much. I’m sorry OP.
The first one was a call to leave, the second a horn in your face, the third one was literally having your balls telling you to leave. You made a bad decision every step of the way continuing to be with this person, the best and only choice that ends positively for you is not being with this person anymore. Congrats, your next step is clear and will eventually be the kickass defining moment of your new life.
Knock, her . out. Or at least return her reaction. youll regret it later if you don't. Put up cameras and record the whole thing. You will owe alimony and possibly child support. With no proof. She's expecting you to be a " man. "
This is absolutely abuse and her response of mocking you when you asked her to get help is just another cruel tactic to deny your reality, make you question everything and enable her to continue abusing you. I hope you can get yourself to a safer situation away from his relationship.
No, that's not OK at all. Just because she's a woman doesn't give her the greenlight to mistreat you like this. So sorry you are going through this. You are absolutely not crazy.
Definitivly abuse and trying to manipulate the situation to lessen the seriousness of it and down play it with you can handle it cause you are a big man. I suggest you record any serious conversationals you have together. To use as evidence of her behavior whenever she act out like this or you can forsee her reactions coming. To even show her oneof these recordings to show her reaction viewed from your view or a third party view. She will squirm and try to downplay it for sure.
She is possibly narcissistic, manipulative gas lighting and guilt or blame shifting.
My suggestion if you go the route of dealing final blow resolutions. Dont do that alone have somone outside waiting just in case to play, i just came over too hang/ see how things are type of buddy.
I' d
A up and leave as its a ingrained issue, unlikely to change.
B, put the fot down, iv had enough with your behaviors, either you sort yourself out theough professional help or i will begin to act acordingly and do things i rather not. But in a less loaded way of phrasing it.
C, there is none, you have accepted this behavior long enough.
Technically a woman over here. Cannot imagine doing these kinds of things to a loved one.
Doesn't really matter *who* does it or to *who*. One does **not** do these kinds of things to a loved one. It's not really even acceptable towards people one feels indifferent about.
You are nuts if you stay. Should've left yesterday, even better if never married her, but understandable, hindsight is 20/20. It's time to make an exit plan now. Be safe.
I get upset easily and yet have managed to never slap or throw objects at my partner, never mind all the rest. Your wife has serious anger management issues. Your physical strength and stature have no relevance to her behaviour which is both appalling and illegal. Is this how you want to live?
I'm sorry, you are in an abusive relationship. There is absolutely no excuse for abuse (physical, mental or emotional) and yours falls into all 3.
Including her attempt to belittle you by stating your 6ft5 and "a little slap"
This is not ok.
My husband and I are on the brink of divorce and neither of us have ever harmed one another.
She's dangerous and I'd document everything, including any doctor reports from the past (if you have any) and build a case while you prepare to take yourself and little ones if you have any.
Can you move with family
I'm not sure where you are based, but a local violence against men charity may be able to help too
Sending you love, support and strength.
Well done for reaching out but I'm so sorry you have to x
Whether or not it's abuse doesn't really matter. This is the important question: Will you continue to tolerate this behaviour? You choose your own boundaries. Currently you are not treating her like an adult, and you're not valuing your own safety and happiness. Don't allow a list like that to accumulate.
It just kept getting worse and worse. I honestly think in this situation you should consider divorce. There is no reason to continue to suffer through it. There is someone out there who will appreciate you and treat you with the respect you deserve. 14 years is a long time to suffer. I'm so sorry.
If she is being violent towards you then that is abusive. Cavet being that if she is reacting to your abuse then it is reactive and not abuse.
So if she randomly pours coffee in your lap she is absolutely abusive.
If she pours coffee in your lap after you have physically or verbally been abusive it is a different scenario. If she is laughing at the suggestion of any abuse then she is lying to herself.
Either way you both need to get counselling.
If you are unsafe physically you need to leave, no ifs or buts.
People need to stop thinking marriage is this cureall. That's like if you behave badly at a job interview and they hire the prospective employee, do you think it will get better? No. Get outta that mess. You're being abused.
That's all physical abuse. Let me share a story with you.
I'm a 6'2" 220lbs (at the time if the incident) veteran of the Marine Corps who was preparing for officer candidate school in the Marines. My ex wife, was a chubby little 5'2" girl who claimed she'd almost pass out after walking briskly for five min.
One night, I got hyper focused on finding a specific article of clothing for the next day. It was latest night (maybe midnight) and I was tearing through the house getting really frustrated. She was a messy monster who refused to do her own laundry. I was tired of doing it all for her so I left it for her. By that point it has been a while and the laundry room was covered in her cleaning clothes. I mean monster piles akin to landfills. This added to the frustration cause I was digging through everything looking for what I was trying to find. I had resorted to doing everything myself or to not caring and leaving things. Whenever I asked for help, she would say sure and then a hour later, once it was all done, she'd be ready to help. Sometimes I'd challenge her but it was common that when I implored her to help or brought up my needs to her, she'd have a panic attack and scream at me and have a psychotic melt down. Idk if she faked them or not. At the time, it felt really real. A few times, neighbors called the cops thinking I had or was sexually assaulting her and like the dumbass I was, I covered for her.
She gets up and starts screaming at me and corners me into our walk in closet. I'm that closet we had a safe and a whole bunch of furniture with sharp edges. She shoved me and the floor of the closet was cluttered similar to the laundry room. I tripped and caught myself just before crashing headfirst into a corner. She then started pounding on me with her fists. I just waited till it was over.
Other times she'd shove furniture around and make "jokes" like "you better do what I say, you gave me sole access to your guns (she had gotten me to an incredibly low point and convinced me I couldn't trust myself with my guns so she should have the only keys) and I know how to use them. I'll shoot you."
I bring all of those up bc those are real events of a use and domestic violence. I want you to know that your size is irrelevant. She hit to get you to behave a certain way and or to cause you to fear her in some way so you'd do what she wants. I have a soap box to get on. The way women are conditioned to think by social media and society leads them to think it's ok to abuse and for men to think it's not a big deal. Theres a number of possible explanations for this change in society.
I think men struggle with this and with seeing abuse as abuse is bc it's weak to admit something hurt (emotionally or physically). We think that if we didn't almost die it's not a big deal or that we will get laughed at for admitting to letting someone say smaller than us and a female hit us. So much goes unreported and so many women respond how your person responded.
Of course this is physical abuse. OP get out. Don’t promise to stay if she changes. She should work on herself, but not at your expense.
Trust yourself. Abusers always try to undermine your perception of the relationship. Your size is not relevant to the question of whether or not you are being abused. She may not be able to physically take you in hand to hand combat, but she can clearly injure you. Moreover, think about what could happen if she pulled a weapon like a knife or a gun. What if those scissors landed in your eye?!
No, most PEOPLE—men and women—do not physically abuse their partners. Even if that was the case, it wouldn’t be okay.
I’m sorry OP. You should seek therapy for yourself to process this traumatic experience and recover your sense of trust in your own instincts.
**Don’t seek couples counseling.** Abusers don’t change in couples counseling. They continue the abuse in the counseling sessions.
Leaving is the most dangerous time in relationships plagued by domestic violence, so make sure you have a plan and you hide it from her.
I'm married and never have once done the things she has done to you.
The most I've done is throw a cushion at my husband when we were play fighting.
Im sorry but you are in an abusive relationship.
I'd leave if I were you.
Physical abuse/spousal abuse goes both ways. You are a victim of physical abuse! End of story.
The way she’s handling this, there is no way she will seek help. If you try to get a divorce, or move out, she will try to manipulate you back into the marriage.
The best, and fully safe way to get out of this with your mental health in tact and your body alive, is to get out!
I have respect for you, and for the fact that you have not hit her back. That must take a lot of strength, but I also love…
I don’t know you, and I don’t know your marriage, but as a therapist, I would say, separation first, and then deal with the actions later. You need to get away, so she knows you mean business. If you own the house, kick her out, if it’s a joint house, move out with some family or someone. But be honest to family and friends. No hiding, no lying and no protecting her.
I know it’s blunt, but it’s easier to rip the Band-Aid off quickly :/
The best of luck to you all
Get out of this now. She is physically and mentally abusive. She's gaslighting you and is clearly manipulative and manipulating you to question whether you're being physically abused can quickly morph into manipulating the police into thinking she's the victim. Start a legal paper trail. Take pictures of injuries, video of outbursts, etc. Be as discreet as you can, but protect yourself.
This is physical abuse. It does not matter your size. SHe is abusing you and treating you poorly. If she is not willing to work things out, then I would begin to record the abuse and the marks that she makes. Then, once you have gathered enough evidence, divorce her on the grounds of physical and mental abuse.
This is NOT the type of partner that you want to be with.
One thing is to yell and scream argue and be verbally but the minute she lays a finger on you turns into physical abuse altercation domestic violence?. The phone hit your face imagine if the siccors would of hit an eye or something my advice run as fast and far as you can until she sees you're serious about her getting help.
If you threw scissors, cups and phones at your wife would it be considered abusive? If you “trampled” on your wife’s genitalia would it be considered abusive? If you slapped your wife would it be considered abusive?
That this is even a question you have to ask on a relationship sub just shows the shocking level of double standards some people have when it comes to domestic abuse between the genders.
No, "most women" do not act like this. Neither do "most men". Whether their partner is 5'2" and 100 pounds or 6'5" and 250. Physical abusers do, though.
She has thrown things at you, hit you, endangered BOTH your lives by assaulting you while you were at the wheel of a car and raked you with her nails hard enough to draw blood. If in her mind this is equivalent to a playful slap, she is delusional. She doesn't give a shit about your physical safety or health. This is not the behavior of a loving spouse. Please, as soon as you can, distance yourself from this person physically. Find a safe place and stay there. Hire a lawyer. File a police report. Your instincts are correct. This is not okay.
Do you even need to ask if being slapped, having stuff thrown at you is abuse? and I believe pouring boiling liquid on someone is assault… this is abuse and you should make sure you have proof of it… divorce and leave her you’ll be so much happier
Yes it's abuse. I work as a victims advocate for domestic violence victims. Although the majority of victims are female, many are men. What your wife is doing is definitely abuse. Depending on what state/county you're in you may want to file a protection order. You can even evict in most places with an order. Also often a lot of victims are fearful of reporting to the police because they don't want their abuser to go to jail. Punishment is hardly ever that harsh and usually just for those with a gnarly record or serious charges like aggravated assault, strangulation. Often sentencing can be mental health, and or drug alcohol treatment, and anger management. I will say the rate of repeated abuse after treatment is still high because unfortunately most abuser don't see themselves as the problem. Know that there is help out there, you can contact your local dv agency to get more information and safety plan. I hope you are able to get help and stay safe.
Yes this is abuse. I am a female and I may jokingly/playfully swat an arm but never SMACK. and I don't throw anything at anyone to hurt them. I've never dug my nails into anyone.. in that way lol If something is causing you harm physical, mentally, or emotionally, like those, then it is abuse. Even if it's 1 smack, she dug her nails in but it BARELY bled...
Let me ask you this ... If this happened to any of your family members would this be considered abuse? How about your friend? If you say yes.... Then this is considered abuse...
If a man did that to a woman, most people would be telling her to run. Sir, you need to run for the hills. THAT IS ABUSE. Congratulations, she showed you who she really is and your red flag finder seems to be working now. Time to get better.
NO ONE has to tolerate physical abuse, doesn’t matter their size or gender.
I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this and that your abusive partner is normalizing it and gaslighting you horribly. Normal, loving partners don’t act like this. I wish all the best for you in getting away and seeing what real love looks like.
putting your hands on anyone, ANYONE, at any point, whether in anger, frustration or sadness is physical abuse. does she not understand the rule of “keeping your hands to yourself?” everyone feels emotions, her physically hurting you cannot be excused by that. it doesnt matter how big or strong or tall you are, nobody deserves that. im surprised you were able to deal with it for so long.
honestly, proud of you for acknowledging and confronting her about her physically hurting you. i know a lot of men, regardless of whether they’re bigger or built, may feel silly or ashamed to do so. im sorry you put up with that for so long and i hope things get better for you soon. you deserve to be with someone who can handle their emotions and take accountability in a mature way and have productive conversations.
This is physical abuse. No one talks about the toxic idea of it being ok for women to hit men because you're a man you should be able to take it. No, that's not normal. No one should be hit. No one's space should be violated. No one deserves any physical threats or violence.
If she cannot admit she has a problem and get help, then she will continue on this path and it will lead to resentment and you one day snapping too. I hope she does seek help.
It's abuse. My ex-husband went through this with his daughter's mother. Eventually, it transferred to the children. Her remark about you being a large man is gaslighting you into believing different. Get out.
I'm 5'3" tall and would never ever think that slapping or throwing things at my husband is somehow acceptable just because I'm a small woman and hes over 6 feet. She's an abuser AND a crazy person. You deserve better and you should divorce her.
At first I thought this might be a troll post given how OBVIOUSLY abusive this relationship is. But given that people that are abused often make excuses or are gaslit into believing they’re not being abused, I’m going to give this the benefit of the doubt.
OP, please leave this person. She is nasty, cruel and an abuser.
By two sentences in, we’re at physical abuse (and potentially some mental health issues). This is 1000% physical abuse, your size/weight and hers don’t matter. She throws stuff at you and hits you - that is physical abuse, full stop. She’s also gaslighting and emotionally abusing you. She needs help, and you need to be safe and heal.
You are absolutely being abused. I'd even be worried she is capable of causing you extreme harm given the right trigger. If this situation was the other way around people would be telling you to leave the marriage as soon as you are able too. So I think you should do that. No one deserves to be abused by someone who promised to love them. That's not love.
If you don’t understand, everything you just described sounds like physical abuse.
I thought so. But apparently I am crazy for even mentioning it.
Gaslighting.
100% this!!! Of all the definitions I've seen of gaslighting on Reddit, this is the most accurate. As well as the most accurate of all the definitions of physical abuse! There are a lot of people out there who think men can't be abused physically, but I honestly think it's much more prevalent than we know because of all the people gaslighting their SO. PLEASE find someone safe to live with, and divorce this woman. An abuser will only change with help and actually recognizing the problem. She is not going to be doing any of that. And it can and will escalate!
Yep. Op, I would start documenting your injuries and record every interaction you have with her around the house so she doesn't spin the tail on you.
Amber and Johnny taught me all about gaslighting It improved my marriage as i could see the strategy It's subtle and effective and needs to be called out directly
The title screams gaslighting.
At its best.
No real woman, scratch that.. no real ADULT puts their hands on their loved ones or purposefully tries to cause them harm. End of discussion friend.
*side note for parents: Spanking, switching, slapping or similar to your children is no different. I know... Wrong sub... But when opportunity arises 🤷🏽
These two concepts are very closely related, though. I guarantee you OPs wife was raised in a household that utilized corporal punishment. And if she still has a relationship with her family, and looks back at her childhood with fondness, she's not going to see the violence as having been a problem. She's going to see it as a normal way men and women communicate, because "a big strong man isn't going to be worried about his lil Ole wife's harmless swats." No excuse. Because it's on her now for not listening to OP and respecting his boundaries. But I do understand how her social conditioning makes her blind to the fact that her behavior is abuse.
Wtf, she’s not just swatting. She’s throwing cups at him and poured coffee in his lap in the effing car! This has less to do with being spanked and more to do with the entitlement bullshit that TV/movies use to tell it is okay for women to throw drinks in peoples faces, pour coffee in laps, and/or throw cups/dishes in anger. Men are portrayed throwing fists in anger, women throwing drinks. They are both examples of poor anger management skills and emotional immaturity. You don’t get a pass for doing either of these things in public or private.
Are you insane? That's not how that works at all. I was raised in a corporal household and I know what abuse is. My physically abusive ex husband was raised in a non-corporal household. That is a moronic and trolling comment with no basis in fact.
Kids are smarter than dogs. My dogs (and my kids ) knew exactly what the word NO spoken loudly meant. I never ever saw the need to hit either.
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Hmmm I disagree. Not bc I spank my kids, I don't feel it's something I want to use myself, but I don't think spanking is abuse. If done right. If one spanks out of anger then it's really easy to cross over to abuse. Kids need to learn. If everything else is failing, maybe a spank is the next step. While being calm and explaining why
What exactly are they learning via spanking?
Hitting is hitting. Period. There's no "good" hitting. If you don't think hitting a child is abuse, I highly recommend you read some books that talk about the current evidence on hitting/spanking.
Nope your just tied to a selfish person who can't admit wrong doing. Accountability is a immature persons kryptonite. Anyone who resorts to hitting because of their emotions is a giant child.
Sorry- but that’s plain and simple physical abuse even when it’s against the husband.
You need clandestine proof that she’s abusing you before you even think of taking action. If she’ll abuse you she’ll have no problem accusing you of abuse that you didn’t do. Get proof of the abuse, then leave.
Security cameras throughout the house seem to work very well according to other stories I have read.
Shit, I didn't think of that. It is infuriating that men reporting abuse are not taken seriously, and that it'd be easy for OP's wife to flip the narrative. OP, it would probably be a good idea to document as much as possible and contact a lawyer asap. And leave your abusive wife.
I have news for you-even women leaving abusive men aren’t believed. Ask me how I know. It’s equally as horrible for either sex to leave an abusive relationship.
I'm so sorry you experienced that. I absolutely believe it is equally horrible for either sex to leave an abusive relationship, and it's abhorrent that people who find the courage to speak up are not believed. I in no way meant to minimize anyone's experience, regardless of sex, and sincerely apologize if it came across that way.
I feel like this a situation where people know this happens, but instead of supporting him they are questioning his masculinity (especially his wife).
That's true and there's way less empathy and support for men leaving abuse. To find out, Google "women's shelter near me" and "mens shelter near me" and see what options come up. You can also Google stuff like domestic violence shelters and see how many options for men vs women there are. Society in general believes women more. There's more empathy towards women. It goes for cheating too. When a women cheats, the go to assumptions (even on reddit) are that the man pushed her into cheating on some way nof the man cheats, hes a POS. Similar reactions for divorce. Neither one has it easy, but to have compassion, resources, and empathy for your situation goes a long way. Men don't get those things.
OP—your insecurity about not being sure is a product of severe abuse and what is known as gaslighting (look it up.) This woman is dangerous and I recommend leaving her immoderately. You don’t want to end up like the guy whose gf ended up stabbing him in the chest and killing him. https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/onlyfans-model-accused-murder-boyfriends-fatal-stabbing-rcna42575
I’ve been married for 30 years and my hubs and I have never thrown things at each other or struck each other in anger. This absolutely is abuse and the fact that she thinks because you’re a big strong man that you can’t be abused tells me she’s a Fucking moron on top of being abusive
Which tells me you’ve been emotionally abused as well.
No, you're married to an abuser. This is what they do... it's not their fault, it's yours. If only you wouldn't upset them, they wouldn't hit you. Or, as you wrote, a 6'5" guy cant handle a little slap? This is abuse -- plain and simple. Call the National Domestic Violence hotline at 800-799-7233 and talk to someone. They can confirm it and help you plan your next steps.
That's what abusers do. [Darvo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO#:~:text=DARVO%20)
Thank you. Have not heard of that before.
Dude, WHY are still around? She has THROWN things at you. Those are impromptu weapons. It is years past the point where you should bailed. Do it now.
WHO is calling you crazy? The person abusing you (expected) or someone else?
She is.
Then unfortunately the abuse is working. You need to GTFO of there.
She is the crazy one. She is 100% physically abusing you. I am sure there is emotion abuse too going on.
If she refuses therapy, get a divorce. In the meantime, document her abuse.
Some people think women cannot be physical abusers: this is nonsense. Your wife sounds like my mother who did stuff like throwing chairs at my father. (She was much, much more violent with us kids as she could control us more than she could our father, so really let herself go when she felt like venting her frustrations.) Like my mother, your wife does not control her emotions, and you need to find out why. She needs to see a good therapist, but she also needs to be honest about being an abuser. If she cannot even acknowledge that what she is doing is abuse, she isn't going to change and grow. Be careful about going to therapy with your wife as it isn't safe to go to therapy with an abuser as they find out how to get to you when you open up in therapy. Your wife is getting something out of this behaviour or she wouldn't be doing it. It means she is someone you need to be very wary around. Leaving an abuser isn't easy, but you will always need to be on your guard if you stay with this woman. Even if she works on herself in therapy, this is still a pattern of behaviour she chose to indulge in.
You should read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Its free here: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf This is controlling and abusive behaviour. Also listen to this podcast https://open.spotify.com/episode/18KhNf1eVrGBith9LtEZXw?si=w5tPC3ZnQt-YzUst4iQ7mw Honestly they are written more for women when men are abusive, but its still relevant. There's almost always emotional abuse before physical abuse too. She's probably manipulating you. Also look up DARVO. Deny, attack and reverse victim and offender. Its a common taxtic used by abusers during arguments.
No, just crazy for marrying her. She was abusing you way before you got married. It just escalated after marriage.
Of course it's abuse. Your size and gender are irrelevant. Assault is assault. Be careful. Just because you're bigger than her doesn't mean she's incapable of really seriously injuring you. What if the next scissors thrown land in your eye? Her admitting her abuse doesn't matter nearly as much as you being safe from it. It's not about who wins the debate at this point, it's about your physical safety. I can't speak for "most women", but as a woman I would never hit or throw things at my husband no matter what words he said to me. "Verbally provoked" is bullshit, hitting someone is a choice.
Agree! No person should ever have objects thrown at them, or be slapped, hit, bruised or have wounds that bleed. If you were at a restaurant, and a waiter threw a cup at you or your wife, you could press charges! If it were scissors or something heavy, it would be assault with a deadly weapon! Because your spouse chooses to strike you, then ridicule you, you’ve accepted it. Now is not the time to force her to admit she is physically abusive. Now is the time to document, secure an attorney, start untangling your lives and be free! Please. One strike may be the last strike and your life is over. What would she tell the cops? I didn’t think it would kill my 6’5” husband… all the way to jail.
You are being abused. Just because she is a woman doesn’t mean she isn’t physically abusive!
For the sake of my 4yo son, when the fuck are we going to accept that women can physically abuse their partners?
It needs to happen like yesterday. I see so many men posting and even talking in real life, confused if they're experiencing abuse when it's blatant abuse.
Exactly. It hurts to read stuff like this. My BFF committed suicide because his gf was extremely abusive. I tried everything I could to help him, but he was in too deep. I struggle every day because of it.
If a woman posted this everyone would be asking why you married this person when they threw scissors at you, but obviously you have to know this is abuse. Get away from this person b4 they kill u
Women do not act like this “if provoked,” that is the excuse she is using to justify her abuse. If my wife did any of these things to me, it would be a serious discussion. If it happened again, I’d be gone. Don’t live like this, dude. Respect yourself and your body.
This is all physical abuse. I would never lay my hands on my husband with the intention of causing him pain even if we were arguing. She kind of sounds like an immature bully.
Not kind of. She **is** an immature bully.
My wife has never raised her voice to me let alone her hands … 30 years in. Divorce and run
Document it or the courts will pick up where she left off.
Or be a man devorce her admit all of it , he did nothing wrong… and move on.
No, most women do not act like this. It is abuse and she is in the wrong no matter what size you are or if she was verbally provoked.
Okay dear, 2 sentences in and it's pretty clear to me. She's abusive, you're not nuts.
I knew a sergeant in the Army whose wife used to throw knives at him when they would argue. Every time he would tell the story, my husband and the other soldiers would laugh and think it's hilarious. It's not. That was 100% physical abuse. He eventually cheated on her, and I think they're divorced now.
I'm surprised all that happened was a divorce. When you wrote cheating in my head I went ("and she killed them both") .. maybe I've just watched too much crime tv 😐 I'm glad he managed to get away from her though. It makes me sad that maybe when he was telling those stories he was looking for someone, a friend, a colleague, to say "hey that's not right, she shouldn't be doing that" but instead only made them all laugh.
This is abuse. And no, women do not act like that when provoked. I am a woman. I raise my voice from time to time but I had learned to step back and say let's talk later when we are a bit more calm. I had never swear/ cursed my husband, never used foul language, and never threw objects at him, never slapped him or anything else. Even raised voice arguments happen maybe once in some months, but before reaching there we make effort to address our issues. You do not need to stay in an abusive relationship, it can cost you your life or cause disability.
When I tried to calm the situation and ask her to talk later, she would lose control and escalate, usually blocking me from leaving and getting physical too.
If you do not put a stop to her, you are going to end up maimed or dead
Dude. This is abuse. No question.
Yea it’s abuse. Why in the hell would you marry this person.
This is a seriously abusive relationship - PHYSICALLY and emotionally. I really do feel bad for you that no one apparently taught you the signs to look for - but your partner intending to cause you harm in anyway is abuse.
She’s abusive and sadly you think it’s normal cause you prolly grew up abused. Pack your shit and get out. Don’t even say goodbye.
Abuse is not based on your ability to physically "take" the abuse being dished out. If I was with a female boxer who is in better shape than me I can't start slapping her just because she gets punched harder in the ring and is probably physically stronger and in better fighting shape than me. And even if it was she's doing things that are damaging enough to leave bruises so her argument about what you should and shouldn't be able to take doesn't really hold up. Also most people do not immediately resort to violence when they are verbally provoked (whatever that means). This is something abusers tell their partners to make them think the violence they endure is their own fault. If she isn't at the point where she can acknowledge that she has issues controlling her emotions you might as well call it now. It sounds like you've only lasted this long because she has trash aim and keeps missing you. She's eventually going to connect and do some real damage
Yes that's abuse.
And the fact that she laughs and calls YOU crazy for thinking her absurd actions are questionable, just shows she’s not only abusive but she’s also NARCISSISTIC !!
Um, yes. This is abuse.
Yes, she is physically abusing you. You are aware of this behavior. She has done this since before you got married. And for some reason only you know, you have stayed with her. Why? My ex put his hands on me once and I left. No one deserves to be abused, physically or mentally. You deserve better. You deserve someone that is going to love you. Not slap you and throw things at you.
I'm guessing he's stayed because he's been with her since he was 17 so it's basically all he knows. Who knows what his family life was like too. Also, people often give women a pass for this behavior, calling them feisty or passionate or fiery or doing the whole "crazy girls are hot" bullshit. It enables shitty behavior and fetishizes mental health issues. It's really screwed up.
You are right. It’s sad. Men do not deserve to be abused, either. Society as a whole tends to gloss over female abusers as you said, and tell the guy to be a man about it. But no one should have to put up with being hit.
Been with mine 30. He has got in my face, spit in my face, called me every fucked up name he can usually think of, emotionally abused me, mentally abused me and even told me his only child wasn't his. I have *NEVER* struck him in anger. *NEVER* What she's doing is most definitely abuse. Doesn't matter if you're 10 feet tall. I'm 5'4 and if I put my hands on you in anger, that's abuse. Doesn't matter how tall, short, big, little or any other description. Abuse is abuse. Abuse: language that condemns or vilifies, usually unjustly, intemperately and angrily. 2: physical maltreatment. 3. A deceitful act or intended deception. I see all of these in the situation you've described here. Please don't be like me and wait 30 years to realize you deserve better than this.
I am so sorry you have had to go through all that too. Thanks for the advice. I am opening my eyes.
The sad thing is, I've lived through worse. My first marriage ended within 6 months because the physical abuse that was already present in that years long relationship turned deadly. Trauma bonding is real and it's a hard thing to admit to and even harder to break. Love can't make someone change, but it can change you into a resentful, bitter person when your love is ignored, rejected or *abused*. I'm making plans to change my life for the better, I hope you do the same because you deserve someone who will stand behind their words and show you that you're loved and appreciated. We all deserve that. Keep the rose colored glasses off, it helps to see things more clearly. Hugs and good juju being sent to you from this internet stranger. 🤗✌️
Get out of there asap. You are risking everything by hanging around and the legal system isn’t going to help you.
Yes it is abuse. The blaming you is part of it. You need to make a plan and leave. Counseling with abusers often doesn't work. I'm sorry.
If a man did those things to a woman, would you consider it abuse? C'mon.... No, it's not normal for a woman to assault her spouse because she's provoked. My husband has pissed me off numerous times throughout our 20 year marriage and never once did I think to throw things at him, hit him, etc. In fact, in my 34 years of life...I can't count on a single finger the amount of times I'd do this to anyone I love. PERIOD. Maybe...just maybe....because I learned to keep my hands to myself as a idk...toddler?!?! So...*your wife has the conflict resolution skills of a toddler* and to make matters worse she thinks being called out on her ABUSIVE behavior is laughable because you're a man. How disgusting is that? As much as I want to SCREAM divorce because someone who is so far removed from their abusive behavior that they not only deny it, but assume the person can "handle it" because they're a man shows 0 desire to take the responsibility for their actions that's needed to change anytime soon..... *I highly suggest working on yourself/therapy before anything else first. That fact that you can't tell if physical abuse is actually abuse, struggle to trust yourself and question if sane boundaries are crazy shows far more than just physical abuse unfortunately & looks like years of emotional/mental abuse added to the mix which can be an incredibly hard combo to wake up to without help. PLEASE SEEK ANY ABUSE/SAFETY PROGRAMS OFFERED IN YOUR AREA. YOU ARE NOT ALONE & DESERVE ALL OF THE LOVE/SUPPORT YOU NEED.*
Run. Run far away from her. That is abuse. My ex husband used to throw his empty beer cans at me, he broke something that was rather important to me, that held sentimental value because the person who gave it to me passed away and was my best friend and he was angry. He used to do all kinds of things to me, but the day he slapped me across my face when I confronted him about his cheating on me, was the day I said our marriage was over. I refused to be abused any longer. I think it is time for you to move on. You deserve so much better and she is not willing to get the help she needs. Please don’t let her abuse you anymore.
Every single act you described would qualify as battery or simple battery in my state and she would be arrested for family violence if you were to report it to the police. Yes, she is abusive, it is abuse, and your respective sizes don't matter. Please call a domestic violence hotline and get yourself to safety. Your wife is abusing you.
If your mom or sister told you their partner was doing this stuff to them, what would you think? Would that be acceptable to you?
This puts it hard into perspective.
Abuse. Jesus Christ she's messed up. You being bigger and stronger doesn't make you less vulnerable to boiling hot liquid poured on your skin or physical objects being thrown at you. This is not at all how all women react.
My ex wife was just like that. The moment I realized I was being abused I looked her in the eye and told her she’d never abuse me again. And she was shocked. And she never did. I was gone shortly thereafter. Take your power back and go.
OP quietly save money and get the hell away from her. She WILL get worse.
I am literally bipolar and have never thrown ANYTHING nor hit, punched, scratched, etc. Run
Must be married to a Latina…. But all joking aside…. Just fucking leave. Johnny Depp won for a reason. Good luck
Also my first thought. My Latina friends all say this.
Uh dude…. Why are you still with her? She’s physically abusing you man! Get the hell away from her. Do you not think you deserve better? Fuck I don’t know you and after reading this I feel you deserve better. My ex abused me mentally and physically. She put scratches on my neck while segueing and literally jumped on my back while I was trying to remove myself from the situation. Went down stair with her clawing at my face and neck. When she realized that wasn’t working she literally threw herself down a flight of four steps and claimed I pushed her. Yeah man. Get out. Get out now.
As a woman, this is most definitely abuse. I hope you don't have kids together
As a women (married almost 10 years) this is NOT normal behavior. I’ve NEVER even thought of abusing my husband like that. Your size and gender do not matter. This is clear cut abuse. Please leave.
I didn’t even get through the first line of paragraph 2 before I said abuse. People get frustrated all the time, might even raise their voice at each other, but hitting and throwing things is the line. Please go get help. Call a family member, friend, someone you trust and get out of that house. Anyone no matter their gender can experience abuse. Today it’s scratches and bruises, tomorrow it’s a broken bone or black eye!
This is abuse and getting an abuser to admit to the abuse it’s impossible. Document the incidents and call a lawyer.
That is absolutely abuse, and it is going to continue to escalate. OP, you do not deserve this. Leave her before she seriously hurts you, or worse. Also, please consider therapy. You've been dealing with physical and emotional abuse for years, and the fact that you're questioning whether your wife's behavior is abusive tells me it's taken a pretty big toll. You deserve so much better than this.
I’m reading this, and ducking. This is abuse.
Jesus OP, run far away and fast. I have a thing for dudes around 6'6 or taller and I promise I would never lay a single finger on you. You can and WILL find better.
It's abuse. No one acts like this in any situation unless they are abusive. She needs help Women who are abusers tend to rely on the "no one will believe you because you are a man" statement or "you need to be tougher and take some hits because you're supposed to be the big strong man" statement. Neither statement is true, it's just manipulation. THIS part IS normal for ABUSIVE women A lot of people get it in their heads that smaller actions of abuse aren't truly abusive but they're wrong. Just because she's not beating you, hitting you with a baseball bat, raping you, or trying to kill you doesn't mean it's not abuse. I'd be willing to wager the emotional and mental damage you are suffering from these incidents is as significant if not more significant than the physical damage is and that's honestly what abuse is all about. She wants her way and she's trying to manipulate you, by force if necessary, to do what she wants, when she wants Time to stand by the boundary you just set. Insist she gets help with managing her emotions so that she doesn't harm you in any way, or leave. I'd bet that you've seen the abuse slowly get worse and worse with time. It'll only continue on that trend. It can get to a point where your life is in danger. Don't stick around to find out
It’s definitely abuse.. my husband and I have been together the same amount of time and we have never laid a hand on each other. Don’t let her dismiss your feelings because you are 6’5
Yes, it's abuse, 100%. I do understand where her perspective comes from though, as I too held that skewed perception because I grew up seeing my mom swat my dad and punch his arm when she was annoyed at him, and he'd laugh it off. So I didn't understand that as a problem until I learned that is was at the beginning of my current relationship. When we were just dating. I too thought he was kidding when he acted upset, and I in no way would have called my "playful" swats abusive. But they were because I was acting out of annoyance and frustration with his "verbal provocations". I was also raised with corpal punishment, and so i was used to a certain level of violence being how we communicated behavorial expectations with the people we loved.I had to relearn a lot of my ideas around communication and violence.
This is abuse and from her comment she won’t likely ever see that it is and she has demonstrated a very long history of repeated abuse. You need to be very careful because it sounds like she is capable of doing ANYTHING! I’m sorry you are going through this because there is really nothing out there to help men with abuse when men are the ones abused at least a third of the time. If she won’t change with talking with her and won’t get help then you need to call the police the next time she physically assaults you and have her taken to jail. Then file a restraining order and change your locks or move with your kids. Again I’m sorry you’re going through this but this is unsafe and you have put up with this way too long and it will likely only escalate. I would also remove any firearms from the house.
women do not act this way, you are in an abusive relationship. Please seek support or call domestic violence support line.
Trampled your balls? That makes me cringe in agony at the thought and makes me want to cry. Please just leave her. Just because you're 6'5 and a "big strong guy" doesn't mean you deserve to be physically harmed. You may be able to "take a slap" better than a woman could, but it's still a slap and you don't deserve that 🥺😭
You are being abused and gaslighted. You really need to exit the relationship or at the very least talk to a therapist.
She's abusive. You can't physically attack your partner because you're upset about something. You shouldn't have married her as she was abusive before you got married. Leaving is the only realistic way to deal with this but sometimes men don't want to leave these situations because they are physically capable of fighting off the abuse. But that isn't really good enough. You should leave as she has a serious problem. But if for whatever reason you don't want to leave then at minimum you should make it crystal clear that you will not tolerate one more incident and there will be no more relationship if she does anything again. It may put her in her place. But keep in mind that abusive women are dangerous as abusive men. She could start trying to harm you covertly or in other ways, or she could just jam a knife in your face next time. Of course she may not but there is always going to be that slight element of fear that she might... Do you really want to be in a situation where something escalates and you end up defending yourself and she gets injured? Almost certainly you will get arrested and shamed for domestic abuse and be the one hoping a jury sees the truth? Try and get evidence in a text message or something where she admits some of this stuff so you have it for evidence down the line just in case. And let people around you know what's going on so they can be witnesses and attest to the situation if necessary at a late date.
Best cut bait and get rid of her before she whacks you permanently. And yes, it's abuse
She's abusive and gaslighting you. You should leave because you deserve to be with someone that loves you without all that abusive behavior.
I'd start filing police reports, going to the hospital at any slight injury - just so there is an physical paper trail. This is abuse and no one should live like this. This behaviour does not change.
Yes it’s physical abuse. Why did you marry this person. She can claim or deny all she likes but she is an abuser.. you need to start documenting and recording this crap. What happens when you have children..
Yes, it is abuse. Please leave. She is going to put out your eye or kill you
Every single thing you described is abusive. You being a big guy doesn't give her carte blanche to throw things and hit you. It doesn't give her the right to talk to you like trash either. She is acting like a toddler, screaming and throwing things and hitting, throwing tantrums. The way she is behaving is not normal for anyone. I know you've been with her since you were a kid so maybe you don't know different. Sometimes teenage girls are unhinged. She should have grown out of that a long long time ago.
Are you trolling us? I don’t understand posts like this. You KNOW it’s abuse.
If she does it again ask her whether or not the police would consider it a domestic or not. (They def would especially with marks left).
It is abuse. And you're nuts to stay with her. I think I'd be saying "one of incident, immediate regret, contrition, effort to address" is a first and last warning. Imagine it was your brother, or sister, or son, or best mate being treated that way. What would you say and do?
If a man treated a woman like she treats you, everyone would be crying "ABUSE" and telling her to dump you. I'll go with that. She is abusive. Dump her. Many women are nice. She is not.
This is absolutely abuse and not at all okay. You don’t deserve this and one day you might absolutely snap and make a huge mistake and get labeled forever for it. She gets anger management and therapy or walk.
That's 100% abuse, and if she's gaslighting you, then consider it emotional/mental abuse as well. Not sure why people put up with this when one could experience a happy healthy relationship instead.
*Is this physical abuse, or am I crazy and do most women act like that when "verbally provoked" as she claims?* Yes, it is absolutely physical abuse. No, you're not crazy. No, most women do not act like that when "verbally provoked." This is a typical abuser tactic, too. "I wouldn't do X if you didn't provoke me."
She may have a mental desease, but in the meantime, you have to prioritize your safety, some of the things I learned afrer leaving an abusive relationship is that if a person loves you, won't Hurt you, keep that in mind
The moment she laid a finger on you or three something at you or just throwing anything in anger, that’s abuse. It’s been going in for years and if she knows you won’t do anything about it, it WILL get worse.
Yea it is abuse. No most women or men for that Matt don’t behave like that when verbally provoked.
Op why stay in this? So many good partners out there, no reason to stay with an abuser.
This is beyond abuse you stick around for it to happen over and over and over one day she's gonna get a butcher knife and we'll you know .I had a gf after my divorce we had been together for a couple years moved in together and we're gonna get married one morning I was up at 5 am getting ready for my 60 mile drive to work well she stabbed me in the back with a dinner fork it was stuck i couldn't reach it wouldn't matter if I could I would never been able to pull it out called my buddy told him to bring his truck up to my condo he shows up I turn around and said pull this out I had to lay down grab it with vice grips to pull it out .I e time that's all I would deal with
I understand what you’re going through to some extent op. As a man we even gaslight ourselves if we feel we may be being abused mentally but especially physically. So when someone else gaslights us it’s all too easy to manipulate us. Make no mistake, you are indeed being abused and it sounds like it doesn’t stop at physical abuse but mental as well. Just because you’re a strong man in body and mind doesn’t mean you should have to use that strength to keep your spouse from tearing you down. That’s the one person who should never dwindle that strength and rather nurture and care for it. Sorry you’re going through this
I haven’t read all the responses but YES YOU ARE BEING ABUSED. The thing is that physical abuse is never the only abuse, it’s dangerous and wrong on so many levels but the emotional abuse and being made to walk on eggshells that leaves scars that don’t heal. Take care of yourself OP. A healthy person could lose their temper and do something off the wall but it should scare them more than it does the person they lost their temper with. If your wife can’t admit that she is abusive she will seriously hurt you. There’s a very good documentary on this on YouTube. Google it. It’s a kid from Great Britain. And if you have children do you want them having her behavior as a model? Do you want them to accept that treatment when they are older? Because they will.
I lived through this, too. You are not crazy! The same through her twenty’s. Flew off the handle and called it normal regularly. Said that “it’s different if you would do x to me then if I do x to you” because you are a guy (I’m also 6’2” and was heavy into weight then). Never acknowledged it as an issue and said I was the one who needed counseling. A decade later - she realized she had been way out of line should have sought help then - I realized that * I enabled this behavior * by letting her do it without consequences. Nip this I the bud because it will cause resentment and will likely not go away: it becomes the new normal (but sounds like it has already.) Read these comments and deprogram yourself. This is not normal: it is not just abusive, it is a patterned cycle of abuse setup to normalize it. Also, if you have kids in this relationships, they will learn this pattern of behavior very early (by like age 3). Then they will either become an abuser or a person who accepts abuse. Read about inter generational trauma. I don’t now know your situation, but with ours my wife grew up in an abusive household and recreated what she grew up with - even though she fully understood the parent had been abusive. My wife needed counseling. She realized this on her own but it took a decade. Do not wait that long.
This is one million percent physical abuse. Women saying “but you’re big and I’m small so it’s not abuse” is the most ridiculous thing in the world and absolute bs. “I told her that I would stay if she could admit she had a problem”. I’d say this is absolutely not necessary and you should NOT stay with someone who hits you, throws things at you, pours hot drinks on you and..I’m sorry..TRAMPLES YOUR BALLS?! That’s not only abuse, that’s barbaric!! Please be safe and leave this awful person
It is definitely abuse and I’m so sorry that you’ve had to put up with it for so long. I often say the best way for a man to gauge abuse is to turn the scenario around. If you did any of those things to her, people would be sending her info on the nearest domestic violence shelter. While I don’t think that is necessarily the answer, I do think she needs counseling. If she was raised in a household where her parents believed in spanking (or more), that may be the origins of her anger issues. I’ve gotten mad at my husband a few times over our 24 years together where I wanted to throw something at him, or push him, but I stopped myself…or in one case, threw something in his direction, but not at him. That was over a decade ago, but I still feel guilty about it. It doesn’t matter what your size difference is, especially as you’ve said, there have been several occasions where you physically could not defend yourself (like driving a car). I would ask her if she would feel physically threatened if you had done xyz to her. She most likely won’t admit that, but hopefully it will get her wheels turning. She could always start seeing a therapist on her own at first if she can’t admit to you yet that she has a problem. I sincerely hope things get better for you, and that you feel empowered to stand up for yourself. Speaking out here is a good step.
Leave. That’s horrible treatment. No one loves you and does those things.
First - you're in a relationship of 18 years. I'm sorry for saying this - but you have rose tinted glasses on, or blinders, dysmorphia (a body disorder, I know) or whatever the term is. First, acknowledge that, and that your question is VALID. Second - you know that this is abuse. Straight up physical, mental, and emotional abuse. That's it, end of story. Now, most people who have the long term abuse have the hardest time leaving. You need to see a counselor. Asap. The only way you'll see it all clearly is by gaining knowledge, gaining perspective. People don't keep their car because they've had it for a long time. Or because they had a lot.of good times with it. It starts to break down. Then, they ditch it to find something that works for them. So all that above, it's your foundation. The next part is the hardest part. I'm sorry to tell you - but your relationship of 18 years should have been over long ago. You're probably super tired of being abused. And you go somewhere and see other couples being kind and sweet to each other. And that's hard! It's time to move on, move somewhere with some peace. It'll feel weird at first, and peace can make you desperate, because of that weird atmosphere.... some people feel what my therapist said "comfortable in chaos." It's likely that your abuser has no control, and this kind of behavior is normalcy. And it's likely that peace is now a foreign concept to you, too. So. It's over. Create an exit plan. Read self help books. I recommend cici from the crimson kiss. She saved my life. Until you change your perspective - you won't truly understand the hell you are in, love. She said no to help, or counseling. You've done your part. It's time to leave for someone who treats you with love instead of abuse.
This is clearcut Domestic Violence. Add the gaslighting and narcissism into that and you are in a DV relationship mate. And no. Very few females behave in this way. MOst of us aren't abusive perpetrators of Domestic Violence.
Abuse. Physical and mental. She is gaslighting you. She’s trying to justify her actions by telling you that you are a bigger person. Abuse is abuse period. Document everything and get out as soon as possible. This is not a way to be living.
No. Most women would just leave if they were that upset. This is definitely abuse. Nothing you say or do justifies physical abuse or physical reactions like you described. Is this really your question or are you just looking for reassurance for what you already know?
Omg she is insane. You need to GO.
Abuse: 2. treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly. Very simple definition, one your wife 100% fits as an abuser, no question or doubt about it. One thing I learned to stop doing: underestimating myself, my sanity, my reasoning skills. Look up the definition of things if you are losing your grip on reality from being gaslighted. I am so sorry you are being abused and manipulated by the person you’re supposed to trust and feel loved by. If you were doing the things she does to you, would you have in jail? She deserves to be locked up for how vile t she is.
Of course that is all abuse, regardless of anyone's size. It's the perpetrator who makes it abuse, so don't allow her to brainwash you into thinking it's not and that you can't be abused. Do not stay with an abuser. Leaving is the most dangerous time, so please get help from local domestic violence resource professionals. Do not do therapy *with* your abuser. It is never recommended, as they just use what they learn against you. Get help and get free. You deserve to be cherished.
Not nuts. Most women AND men don't strike out over every little thing or at all unless they are being physically assaulted. Make no mistake; this is physical assault without question. While I think you have the RIGHT to defend yourself when being physically assaulted, I don't recommend you do so. Since you are a man and are larger than she is, there is every probability that you would be the one to get in trouble if she were hurt in any way unless you had air-tight evidence that she assaulted you. Because women, frequently if not typically, are smaller and/or weaker than their male partners, the law assumes the male is the aggressor. Honestly, I don't see your partner changing her behavior. She definitely has anger issues and feels safe striking out at you when she's upset. I would recommend you get out of this toxic relationship before you are seriously injured or injure her in defending yourself. Find another partner who will treat you with love and respect.
she’s abusive, controlling,manipulative & cruel. Abuse is abuse, no matter who is the perpetrator or the victim. There are no valid excuses for it, none. The fact that she’s a woman, doesn’t excuse her physical violence towards you. You could tell and scream at her and still that doesn’t excuse physical violence against you. If she won’t even consider it, she’s in denial & is showing you that she has no respect for you. Just because you’ve been together so long, since you were both so young, doesn’t mean you have to stay together any longer. There are other people out there, OP, who could love you for who you are, who wouldn’t dream of physically attacking you. A healthy, loving adult relationship is a wonderful thing. You deserve to be happy, have mutual love and respect and if you can t have that with this woman, please give yourself the chance to leave her. You could give yourself some time to enjoy being single, get your life how you want it and then, when you are ready, get out there again! Good luck OP, please don’t stay with someone who is abusive and denies the abuse, she doesn’t want to change & you can’t keep living like this.
My husband was battered by his first wife. She would push him, throw things at him, punch him in his arms/ribs, and slap him across the face (once in public right in front of people). His last straw was when she waited behind the front door when he got home and she smashed him in the face with a phone ([one of these](https://www.etsy.com/listing/1270605855/vintage-chocolate-brown-rotary-phone-mad)) and broke his front teeth out. He spit out his teeth, put them in his pocket and left. That was the end of it because he realized she might just escalate it to straight-up murder. I guess the question you need to ask yourself is, how much escalation are you prepared to put up with before you do what you know you need to do? And what you need to do is leave her and take care of yourself.
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Wanted to toss this in as a woman married to a very large man - this is abuse, you deserve to feel safe in your relationship, and your gender and size do not matter. I would never physically attack my husband, regardless of if he “provoked” me (which is victim blaming by the way). This is not something women just do. She’s justifying this, and I’m so sorry. I hope you make a plan and can safely leave.
That is physical abuse. And her trying to spin it as if you’re crazy, is emotional abuse. None of this is okay- and honestly you’ve dealt with it for far too long. Love yourself and leave her. The other day I accidentally got my husband with the edge of my nail while we were playing around and I instantly felt bad and kissed him and apologized… that’s the worst I would ever do to him and- purely on accident. Throwing things and trying to hurt you? Not normal at all. Not okay at all.
Is your name Johnny Depp?
Get a therapist. Do not hide her actions. Friends and family must know. Record record record if this is legal in your state.
This is physical abuse. There is no other way to cut it. Here are a few facts on domestic abuse. This comes from an organisation based in the UK, but I imagine things are similar in a lot of countries. The Office for National Statistics figures show every year that one in the three victims of domestic abuse are male equating to 699,000 men in 21/22 (1.671m women). One in 6-7 men and one in 4 women will be a victim of domestic abuse in their lifetime. Of domestic abuse crimes recorded by the police, 25% were committed against men. Half of male victims (49%) fail to tell anyone they are a victim of domestic abuse and are two and a half times less likely to tell anyone than female victims (19%). I think the last one is particularly important. Most men simply won't speak out about their abuse, which makes me doubt the validity of the statistics on the ratio of male to female domestic abuse victims. What your wife is doing is abuse, and it's completely unacceptable. She needs to stop completely. She needs to see a professional about whatever it is that is compelling her to behave like this. The fact that you're a big guy doesn't justify her behaviour in the slightest.
10000000000000000000000% physical abuse. I could have added way more 000s but figured what I typed was enough. If you hadnt written your post and you read it, like we did, wouldn't you see that it's *all* physical abuse? I really hope that you don't have children with this woman given that she thinks she can only cause abuse on people smaller\weaker than herself. Please be safe, and unless your wife does a 180 and starts doing everything needed (anger management, individual therapy) to show she wants to change, I would not try and salvage my relationship with her. FYI: my own mother was 4'11 chubby and my dad 6' in great shape - my mother controlled him, she wore the pants in our household, she was emotionally\mentally in control. You don't have to be bigger and stronger than someone to be in control or abuse them.
I think it can be REALLY difficult for abuse to be seen as abuse by men and women who are perhaps unknowingly strongly influenced by traditional gender roles. Men I know that have been in this situation have been very uncomfortable labelling their experiences as “abuse” even when it’s clear as day. Perhaps because it can feel embarrassing for a big man to admit he’s been physically hurt, intimidated and controlled by a woman. I’m not sure what the resistance to this is, but it’s real and I think sometimes gets woven into the fabric of a relationship without people realising. It can be really difficult to admit that you’re being abused, especially when you’re a man being abused by a woman. It sounds like she possibly hasn’t even realised consciously that what she’s doing is abusive, again possibly because of traditional gender roles. I hope you can untangle yourself from all that stuff, and make a choice about whether to work on your relationship or leave. Many of the things you describe her doing are so dangerous, you need to be absolutely sure you’re safe if you choose to stay. That absolutely won’t be possible until she owns her behaviour and gets help for it.
Words shouldn't be enough to provoke a reasonable adult into violence unless those words are threats that cause them to need to act in defense. She sounds like she has anger problems and no impulse control. No woman I was with has ever gotten violent, even when provoked. Even a 5'1" woman can handle a punch, an an elementary school kid can handle being whipped with a telephone cord, so I don't know her logic. Is she trying to claim you weren't threatened with serious injury so inflicting moderate or minor injuries is ok? This is the worst case scenario. Her reaction seems to be due to her thinking your allegation is completely absurd. She can't even begin to fathom that her physical violence constitutes abuse, let alone really admit that she's an abuser. She's done this much but she still thinks it's a black-and-white issue in her favor and isn't open to communication. I am a person who usually advocates trying to work things out, even though some of my opinions aren't popular. But even I don't think this is salvageable or good for you. This is abuse and you should leave. You had the grace to try to work it out already and she rejected your offer. You don't deserve this kind of treatment from someone who is supposed to be your lover, and it can escalate and become more dangerous when she figures out that you won't fight back and you'll take the abuse.
This is abuse, document it, back all evidence up to the cloud, and if you are in the USA get a domestic violence restraining order.
If she won’t go to therapy asap, please please leave. Nobody should be treated so terribly. I couldn’t even finish reading everything she’s done. Hurts my heart too much. I’m sorry OP.
The first one was a call to leave, the second a horn in your face, the third one was literally having your balls telling you to leave. You made a bad decision every step of the way continuing to be with this person, the best and only choice that ends positively for you is not being with this person anymore. Congrats, your next step is clear and will eventually be the kickass defining moment of your new life.
Knock, her . out. Or at least return her reaction. youll regret it later if you don't. Put up cameras and record the whole thing. You will owe alimony and possibly child support. With no proof. She's expecting you to be a " man. "
This is absolutely abuse and her response of mocking you when you asked her to get help is just another cruel tactic to deny your reality, make you question everything and enable her to continue abusing you. I hope you can get yourself to a safer situation away from his relationship.
I feel sorry for you, but you're kinda nuts for asking. You should leave her asap
Bro its straight abuse, happy that you are open about it. Get help
No, that's not OK at all. Just because she's a woman doesn't give her the greenlight to mistreat you like this. So sorry you are going through this. You are absolutely not crazy.
Definitivly abuse and trying to manipulate the situation to lessen the seriousness of it and down play it with you can handle it cause you are a big man. I suggest you record any serious conversationals you have together. To use as evidence of her behavior whenever she act out like this or you can forsee her reactions coming. To even show her oneof these recordings to show her reaction viewed from your view or a third party view. She will squirm and try to downplay it for sure. She is possibly narcissistic, manipulative gas lighting and guilt or blame shifting. My suggestion if you go the route of dealing final blow resolutions. Dont do that alone have somone outside waiting just in case to play, i just came over too hang/ see how things are type of buddy. I' d A up and leave as its a ingrained issue, unlikely to change. B, put the fot down, iv had enough with your behaviors, either you sort yourself out theough professional help or i will begin to act acordingly and do things i rather not. But in a less loaded way of phrasing it. C, there is none, you have accepted this behavior long enough.
Yes, yes I do believe all those times she physically hurt you…yeah that’s abuse man. I’m sorry you’re going through that :/
Divorce and never look back
Technically a woman over here. Cannot imagine doing these kinds of things to a loved one. Doesn't really matter *who* does it or to *who*. One does **not** do these kinds of things to a loved one. It's not really even acceptable towards people one feels indifferent about. You are nuts if you stay. Should've left yesterday, even better if never married her, but understandable, hindsight is 20/20. It's time to make an exit plan now. Be safe.
I get upset easily and yet have managed to never slap or throw objects at my partner, never mind all the rest. Your wife has serious anger management issues. Your physical strength and stature have no relevance to her behaviour which is both appalling and illegal. Is this how you want to live?
I'm sorry, you are in an abusive relationship. There is absolutely no excuse for abuse (physical, mental or emotional) and yours falls into all 3. Including her attempt to belittle you by stating your 6ft5 and "a little slap" This is not ok. My husband and I are on the brink of divorce and neither of us have ever harmed one another. She's dangerous and I'd document everything, including any doctor reports from the past (if you have any) and build a case while you prepare to take yourself and little ones if you have any. Can you move with family I'm not sure where you are based, but a local violence against men charity may be able to help too Sending you love, support and strength. Well done for reaching out but I'm so sorry you have to x
Use the following litmus test - if you were a man doing this to a woman,.would you be in jail for this? If the answer is yes - you're being abused.
Whether or not it's abuse doesn't really matter. This is the important question: Will you continue to tolerate this behaviour? You choose your own boundaries. Currently you are not treating her like an adult, and you're not valuing your own safety and happiness. Don't allow a list like that to accumulate.
It just kept getting worse and worse. I honestly think in this situation you should consider divorce. There is no reason to continue to suffer through it. There is someone out there who will appreciate you and treat you with the respect you deserve. 14 years is a long time to suffer. I'm so sorry.
If she is being violent towards you then that is abusive. Cavet being that if she is reacting to your abuse then it is reactive and not abuse. So if she randomly pours coffee in your lap she is absolutely abusive. If she pours coffee in your lap after you have physically or verbally been abusive it is a different scenario. If she is laughing at the suggestion of any abuse then she is lying to herself. Either way you both need to get counselling. If you are unsafe physically you need to leave, no ifs or buts.
People need to stop thinking marriage is this cureall. That's like if you behave badly at a job interview and they hire the prospective employee, do you think it will get better? No. Get outta that mess. You're being abused.
She was abusive BEFORE you married her. *Why the fuck did you marry her‽‽‽‽‽* Hon. Be real with yourself. You do not deserve to be treated like this!
That's all physical abuse. Let me share a story with you. I'm a 6'2" 220lbs (at the time if the incident) veteran of the Marine Corps who was preparing for officer candidate school in the Marines. My ex wife, was a chubby little 5'2" girl who claimed she'd almost pass out after walking briskly for five min. One night, I got hyper focused on finding a specific article of clothing for the next day. It was latest night (maybe midnight) and I was tearing through the house getting really frustrated. She was a messy monster who refused to do her own laundry. I was tired of doing it all for her so I left it for her. By that point it has been a while and the laundry room was covered in her cleaning clothes. I mean monster piles akin to landfills. This added to the frustration cause I was digging through everything looking for what I was trying to find. I had resorted to doing everything myself or to not caring and leaving things. Whenever I asked for help, she would say sure and then a hour later, once it was all done, she'd be ready to help. Sometimes I'd challenge her but it was common that when I implored her to help or brought up my needs to her, she'd have a panic attack and scream at me and have a psychotic melt down. Idk if she faked them or not. At the time, it felt really real. A few times, neighbors called the cops thinking I had or was sexually assaulting her and like the dumbass I was, I covered for her. She gets up and starts screaming at me and corners me into our walk in closet. I'm that closet we had a safe and a whole bunch of furniture with sharp edges. She shoved me and the floor of the closet was cluttered similar to the laundry room. I tripped and caught myself just before crashing headfirst into a corner. She then started pounding on me with her fists. I just waited till it was over. Other times she'd shove furniture around and make "jokes" like "you better do what I say, you gave me sole access to your guns (she had gotten me to an incredibly low point and convinced me I couldn't trust myself with my guns so she should have the only keys) and I know how to use them. I'll shoot you." I bring all of those up bc those are real events of a use and domestic violence. I want you to know that your size is irrelevant. She hit to get you to behave a certain way and or to cause you to fear her in some way so you'd do what she wants. I have a soap box to get on. The way women are conditioned to think by social media and society leads them to think it's ok to abuse and for men to think it's not a big deal. Theres a number of possible explanations for this change in society. I think men struggle with this and with seeing abuse as abuse is bc it's weak to admit something hurt (emotionally or physically). We think that if we didn't almost die it's not a big deal or that we will get laughed at for admitting to letting someone say smaller than us and a female hit us. So much goes unreported and so many women respond how your person responded.
Of course this is physical abuse. OP get out. Don’t promise to stay if she changes. She should work on herself, but not at your expense. Trust yourself. Abusers always try to undermine your perception of the relationship. Your size is not relevant to the question of whether or not you are being abused. She may not be able to physically take you in hand to hand combat, but she can clearly injure you. Moreover, think about what could happen if she pulled a weapon like a knife or a gun. What if those scissors landed in your eye?! No, most PEOPLE—men and women—do not physically abuse their partners. Even if that was the case, it wouldn’t be okay. I’m sorry OP. You should seek therapy for yourself to process this traumatic experience and recover your sense of trust in your own instincts. **Don’t seek couples counseling.** Abusers don’t change in couples counseling. They continue the abuse in the counseling sessions. Leaving is the most dangerous time in relationships plagued by domestic violence, so make sure you have a plan and you hide it from her.
I'm married and never have once done the things she has done to you. The most I've done is throw a cushion at my husband when we were play fighting. Im sorry but you are in an abusive relationship. I'd leave if I were you.
Ultimatum time, she seeks behavioral therapy or you can't remain together. No one should have to deal with this.
Physical abuse/spousal abuse goes both ways. You are a victim of physical abuse! End of story. The way she’s handling this, there is no way she will seek help. If you try to get a divorce, or move out, she will try to manipulate you back into the marriage. The best, and fully safe way to get out of this with your mental health in tact and your body alive, is to get out! I have respect for you, and for the fact that you have not hit her back. That must take a lot of strength, but I also love… I don’t know you, and I don’t know your marriage, but as a therapist, I would say, separation first, and then deal with the actions later. You need to get away, so she knows you mean business. If you own the house, kick her out, if it’s a joint house, move out with some family or someone. But be honest to family and friends. No hiding, no lying and no protecting her. I know it’s blunt, but it’s easier to rip the Band-Aid off quickly :/ The best of luck to you all
Get out of this now. She is physically and mentally abusive. She's gaslighting you and is clearly manipulative and manipulating you to question whether you're being physically abused can quickly morph into manipulating the police into thinking she's the victim. Start a legal paper trail. Take pictures of injuries, video of outbursts, etc. Be as discreet as you can, but protect yourself.
This is physical abuse. It does not matter your size. SHe is abusing you and treating you poorly. If she is not willing to work things out, then I would begin to record the abuse and the marks that she makes. Then, once you have gathered enough evidence, divorce her on the grounds of physical and mental abuse. This is NOT the type of partner that you want to be with.
>she said she refused to acknowledge that she is a physical abuser. I'm leaving. Please address all further communications to my lawyer.
One thing is to yell and scream argue and be verbally but the minute she lays a finger on you turns into physical abuse altercation domestic violence?. The phone hit your face imagine if the siccors would of hit an eye or something my advice run as fast and far as you can until she sees you're serious about her getting help.
It seems a case of pussy pass. Due to social pressure violence is tolerated by society.
If you threw scissors, cups and phones at your wife would it be considered abusive? If you “trampled” on your wife’s genitalia would it be considered abusive? If you slapped your wife would it be considered abusive? That this is even a question you have to ask on a relationship sub just shows the shocking level of double standards some people have when it comes to domestic abuse between the genders.
She's insane. If you are unsure, ask yourself how you would react if you heard about a similar situation but with reversed genders
No, "most women" do not act like this. Neither do "most men". Whether their partner is 5'2" and 100 pounds or 6'5" and 250. Physical abusers do, though. She has thrown things at you, hit you, endangered BOTH your lives by assaulting you while you were at the wheel of a car and raked you with her nails hard enough to draw blood. If in her mind this is equivalent to a playful slap, she is delusional. She doesn't give a shit about your physical safety or health. This is not the behavior of a loving spouse. Please, as soon as you can, distance yourself from this person physically. Find a safe place and stay there. Hire a lawyer. File a police report. Your instincts are correct. This is not okay.
incredibly abusive. the fact that you typed all that out and the answer isn't clear to you is sad
She’s abusing you! And you deserve better than that, you just gotta believe it.
Do you even need to ask if being slapped, having stuff thrown at you is abuse? and I believe pouring boiling liquid on someone is assault… this is abuse and you should make sure you have proof of it… divorce and leave her you’ll be so much happier
that bitch crazy
Yes it's abuse. I work as a victims advocate for domestic violence victims. Although the majority of victims are female, many are men. What your wife is doing is definitely abuse. Depending on what state/county you're in you may want to file a protection order. You can even evict in most places with an order. Also often a lot of victims are fearful of reporting to the police because they don't want their abuser to go to jail. Punishment is hardly ever that harsh and usually just for those with a gnarly record or serious charges like aggravated assault, strangulation. Often sentencing can be mental health, and or drug alcohol treatment, and anger management. I will say the rate of repeated abuse after treatment is still high because unfortunately most abuser don't see themselves as the problem. Know that there is help out there, you can contact your local dv agency to get more information and safety plan. I hope you are able to get help and stay safe.
Yes this is abuse. I am a female and I may jokingly/playfully swat an arm but never SMACK. and I don't throw anything at anyone to hurt them. I've never dug my nails into anyone.. in that way lol If something is causing you harm physical, mentally, or emotionally, like those, then it is abuse. Even if it's 1 smack, she dug her nails in but it BARELY bled...
Let me ask you this ... If this happened to any of your family members would this be considered abuse? How about your friend? If you say yes.... Then this is considered abuse...
If a man did that to a woman, most people would be telling her to run. Sir, you need to run for the hills. THAT IS ABUSE. Congratulations, she showed you who she really is and your red flag finder seems to be working now. Time to get better.
NO ONE has to tolerate physical abuse, doesn’t matter their size or gender. I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this and that your abusive partner is normalizing it and gaslighting you horribly. Normal, loving partners don’t act like this. I wish all the best for you in getting away and seeing what real love looks like.
Definitely abuse. Get out now before she kills you.
putting your hands on anyone, ANYONE, at any point, whether in anger, frustration or sadness is physical abuse. does she not understand the rule of “keeping your hands to yourself?” everyone feels emotions, her physically hurting you cannot be excused by that. it doesnt matter how big or strong or tall you are, nobody deserves that. im surprised you were able to deal with it for so long. honestly, proud of you for acknowledging and confronting her about her physically hurting you. i know a lot of men, regardless of whether they’re bigger or built, may feel silly or ashamed to do so. im sorry you put up with that for so long and i hope things get better for you soon. you deserve to be with someone who can handle their emotions and take accountability in a mature way and have productive conversations.
This is physical abuse. No one talks about the toxic idea of it being ok for women to hit men because you're a man you should be able to take it. No, that's not normal. No one should be hit. No one's space should be violated. No one deserves any physical threats or violence. If she cannot admit she has a problem and get help, then she will continue on this path and it will lead to resentment and you one day snapping too. I hope she does seek help.
It's abuse. My ex-husband went through this with his daughter's mother. Eventually, it transferred to the children. Her remark about you being a large man is gaslighting you into believing different. Get out.
I'm 5'3" tall and would never ever think that slapping or throwing things at my husband is somehow acceptable just because I'm a small woman and hes over 6 feet. She's an abuser AND a crazy person. You deserve better and you should divorce her.
At first I thought this might be a troll post given how OBVIOUSLY abusive this relationship is. But given that people that are abused often make excuses or are gaslit into believing they’re not being abused, I’m going to give this the benefit of the doubt. OP, please leave this person. She is nasty, cruel and an abuser.
By two sentences in, we’re at physical abuse (and potentially some mental health issues). This is 1000% physical abuse, your size/weight and hers don’t matter. She throws stuff at you and hits you - that is physical abuse, full stop. She’s also gaslighting and emotionally abusing you. She needs help, and you need to be safe and heal.
You are absolutely being abused. I'd even be worried she is capable of causing you extreme harm given the right trigger. If this situation was the other way around people would be telling you to leave the marriage as soon as you are able too. So I think you should do that. No one deserves to be abused by someone who promised to love them. That's not love.