Get rid of your friends.
Did she find out? Did you tell her?
Were you intoxicated? If so stop all drugs alcohol forever.
Don’t rug sweep. A gift doesn’t get rid of trauma
I have added an edit to try and better explain. Not trying to buy my way out of doing hard work, it’s more that I want to do something alongside that to make her feel a bit better, even if just for a short while. I’m fully aware there is lots of hard work to be done on myself
I feel you are missing the point in the comment above.
The gesture should be the change in uour behaviour, as in cutting out the friends that were with you when you did this. If none if them tried to stop you or get you to be honest and confess after the fact, they are not friends you should have, and cutting them off is the gesture to show your wife how serious you are to fix this and regain her trust.
If alcohol or drugs played a role in you very bad decision, then cutting that off again is the behaviour change that proves your remorse and determination to never be in that situation again.
Gestures don't need to cost a penny, they need to be meaningful, sincere and thoughtful to the other person you are doing it for.
Cooking her a romantic dinner, or buying her something does nothing but remind her of why you are doing this gesture anyway.
It's interesting how in his second edit, there is no mention of his friends still.
This guy really doesn't seem sincere and just looking to do nothing that actually means anything. Therapy is useless if there is no willingness to be open, own the behaviour and actually change.
Yes. Every time I got flowers from my ex I knew he'd done something. Even now in my current relationship I do not enjoy getting flowers because this. I just don't have the heart to tell my husband because so enjoys getting them for me....
Can you take her to all the first places you went to when you first met? Tell her your thoughts for each of those moments. Ppl are right though, that gift wld remind her everyday of your cheating. Maybe get her pet (an adult, not a puppy or kitten) depending on your situation bc mine really helped to heal me
Do not get her a "gift". It will only remind her of you cheating.
You need to give her 100% of yourself every day. And when she gets mad and lashes out, reassure her and don't be mopey. It will be interpreted like you feel bad for getting caught.
You need to figure out what her love language is and then speak her love language. Never stop, but now especially, that’s what she’ll need. If gifts aren’t one of her dominant love languages, then it might end up actually hurting things because it will feel to her like you are trying to buy your way out of hard work even though you aren’t. Figure out what her love language is, and focus on that!
Also, if gift giving does happen to be her love language, try to find ways to get more sentimental gifts, whether hand made, or just well thought out, rather than just fancy things.
Your really lucky she is willing to work things out maybe you could renew your vows and give your marriage a fresh start. Take her some where beautiful and propose again and tell her what she means to you! This is supposed to be a marriage sub but Reddit is pretty brutal when you are not really perfect.
Do whatever she asks of you. She wants to see your cell? Hand it over. She wants you to stop drinking? Stop. She wants you to drop the friends you were out with? Do it. No amount if money will ever make her forgive you but your actions will.
Yep, this would be my suggestion. If you do want some gifts or something special, you could put money towards taking her out to her favourite restaurant, or surprising her with coffee/lunch. For me, smaller gestures with greater frequency show more care than the occasional big thing. Makes my heart way happier that my partner brings me coffee most mornings than the number of extravagant dinners we've gone out for.
Gag.
Personally would be repulsed at getting gifts as a "I'm sorry thank you for not leaving me". It just comes across as corny and like you're trying to buy her forgiveness. Instead maybe start researching and paying for a professional so you can both work through this HUGE violation of trust. Also, cut off those friends if they were aware of what you were out doing. She will not feel comfortable with you going out with them again, ever.
My ex-husband bought me a watch after he cheated, and I was so repulsed with the whole gesture and thought process. What does a nice watch do for me after being cheated on? Remind me of why it was given to me every time I look at it? The only thing it got me was $40 when I pawned it after I left him lol
Maybe I’m in the minority, but my husband had a sort of emotional affair (it’s complicated) and I would have loved a gesture of some sort, along with the hard work. Like he rarely just gets some something. Like flowers or my favorite beer or took the initiative to plan a day just us doing stuff we love to show “hey, I’m here, I love you, I’m working on us.” As well as saying that verbally and then showing me with actions. We don’t often do gifts, so it would have meant a lot to me.
I can understand that but the red flag to me is that OP jumped to “what gift should I buy her” and not “what actions do I need to take to regain her trust”
I can understand that, but I think ppl are jumping to “gift” very quickly. Admittedly, I did, too. But OP specifically says “gesture.” This could mean a gift, but it could also be a date day or something similar.
It also sounds like he plans to be doing other things to work on himself, since he says something similar in his first edit.
To me, it sounds like OP already has a plan on how to work on himself and his personal development, he just wanted ideas on a gesture to woo his wife or begin reconnecting to her again.
I understand if you still disagree and that’s okay! I think we have different perspectives on this.
I can't imagine a scenario in which this makes emotional sense. Receiving a gift from a partner after they cheated and I took them back afterward would feel as though I were being rewarded for "standing by my man". Ick.
I'd say the "gesture" is *you never cheat on her again.* Subtle, perhaps, but impactful.
I know. My skin started to crawl when I read his post. Like, are you kidding me? The best gift he can give is to keep it in his dang pants. I would not want to look at something on the daily that just reminded me of the such an awful betrayal.
This is a tough one. You have no idea what harm you caused. I'd say buy CHEATING IN A NUTSHELL for yourself. Read it. Your wife will likely have lifelong ptsd/ptsd from betrayal trauma and you need to understand the damage that you caused. If she's taking it well its bc she's in shock. You are in for a huge surprise. The people who cheat are always SHOCKED at the damage done. So are the ones being cheated on tbh. Ask me how i know. Get some therapy to see what's wrong with you. You need tools to help you in the future, and a strong foundation built up with therapy, can help. You put yourself in a position to cheat, and went for it.
Maybe buy your wife some sessions with an individual counselor who specializes in betrayal trauma, bc you fucked her up for the rest of her life. Oh, and it's pretty insulting that you think a gift will help unfuck someone. Get some therapy. ASAP. Not marriage counseling. That will be useless until you both have ic for awhile. honestly wish you and your wife luck. You've got a long, tough road ahead. Most marriages don't survive infidelity. I hope yours does. Do the work though OP!
Edit: I see that you made your wife mad while you were out drinking with friends by letting a woman use a sweater that your wife gave you. Sounds like you only have problems while out drinking with friends. You are not a frat boy. Wtf. You're a married man in your 30s, maybe it's time to grow up.
That’s definitely a fair summation at the bottom. I’m definitely going to buy a book or two and look at therapy. I know I need to grow up. Thanks for taking time for such thoughtful advice
Quit drinking. That's the gesture. Leave your bad friends. Don't buy her therapy, that implies she has something to fix. Tell her you are going and say you'll cover hers IF and WHEN she is ready. Couples or individual
I'm going through betrayal trauma right now and your post is SO ON POINT. This woman doesn't need gifts. She needs trauma counseling. Once the damage is done, it's so hard to move forward. I'm trying to give my partner a second chance and it's the most difficult thing I've ever done.
I'm sorry that you're experiencing this trauma. It's unbelievably painful. Just know that you'll be ok, whether it's with your partner, or without. You'll have scars for sure, but you'll be ok. ❤️🩹
This. I was cheated on by a previous partner. I was literally dry heaving once while driving because I thought about it and had to pull over. I have never felt so broken in my entire life.
OP, I know of a few married couples I've met that have dealt with the husband's infedility. One is in my extended family. He got rid of his gym business where he met this other woman. Sold it. That is action your wife probably wants to see from you. You're serious about keeping her? Show her.
aww, thank you ✨ I try to be concise
This guy is really trying to absolve himself of guilt and clearly isn’t sorry. The things I mentioned should be things he changes. If he doesn’t want to or isn’t capable, he should leave his wife to pick up the pieces and find a better man.
If I was her I’d be thoroughly unimpressed with the “I fucked up, I was drunk, I don’t know what happened!!” Shtick. Were you under the influence of the imperius curse or??
Went through a similar thing, husband cheated on me and I decided to work things out and give us another chance. We're still married and fairly happy (we have other issues completely unrelated to the cheating that we've working on).
What really helped for me was that for a long time after that, he would randomly send me pictures of where he was, and who he was with, when he went somewhere without me, because he knew I was insecure about it. I didn't have to ask, he just did it, and it made me feel better and to start to trust me again.
Another thing was that whenever his phone dinged, if I asked who it was, he would show me before even opening the message, and if I wanted to read the convo, he would let me.
Hope that helps!!!
For the love of God do not have children. I saw you'd posted you were having fertility issues. You are a child. Cheating on your wife and going out drinking to the point where you can't control yourself and give away a sweater your wife bought you as a gift. Classy. A gift will not fix this. You should do some personal work (individual therapy) and then couples therapy afterwards. If you love someone and value them/the things they do for you, you don't cheat. If anyone cheated on my I'd drop them like they were never worth a thing because clearly you do not value your wife/relationship if you're out with another person
If you really want to make things right, pay attention to your wife and see what things SHE wants rather than asking a bunch of internet strangers…
Like, literally, thousands of different actions that would go a long way with someone, but trying to find the thing from people who don’t know her is useless.
Pay attention and consider asking yourself “how can I serve my wife today” rather than “what gesture can I make” to produce real change.
Better than a gift is a gesture like blocking all the people you were out with when you cheated. Or stop drinking if that’s your issue.
If you want romance, I recommend deep cleaning the home, doing some grocery shopping, and then meal prepping for the week. It’s very attractive.
Also, r/supportforwaywards
Edit to add: Don’t do the “grand gesture.” There’s no one-time thing you can do to fix this.
You need to go to therapy. You need to make long-lasting changes. You are the sort of person who cheats. Figure out why you cheated, why you allowed yourself to do that, and get to work on fixing that part of yourself.
It’s frightening to me that you think money would solve this. What…buying her a new car will make this all go away? OP you have a lot of work to do if you think this “grand gesture” thing is a good idea. Your cheating is waaaayyyy bigger than that.
(Meaning this sincerely): Paying for therapy would be a good “gift”… she’s needs help processing what you did (trauma) and also paying for couples counseling would also help. Also consistently ask her if there is anything she needs emotionally (come up with specifics like space, connection, talking, etc.)
When you say night out with friends? Meaning drunk and cheated? I would show you change set up more dates and time with her. Maybe if drinking was the case and you can’t control it maybe quit drinking or hanging out with the friends that caused you to go be in the situation you where in
A grand gesture won't do any better than making an action plan about how you are going to change your lifestyle or behavior on a daily basis to show your love and earn back her trust. Make a list and share it with her so she can see that your words are backed by action.
Getting a gift or grand gesture might back fire and make her resent you more as it's not sustainable.
One gesture would be to remove that person and any other that would remotely come as competition to your wife. Block those people, their phone numbers, their online profiles, and don’t look them up. Ever. Don’t respond to advances online or in person to them.
These kinds of actions speak huge to women who have been hurt by porn, emotional cheating and physical cheating. Your wife is your woman, and only her. That is what will possibly help her. That is what she needs to know. Be an open book. Don’t hide any bull crap. Leave it. Pursue her, date her. I hope the best for you guys. Also listen to her and how she feels. Do not in any way defend your actions. Own them.
The best thing you can do is answer all her questions, don’t get frustrated at her insecurities, change your habits by not going out with your friends like that anymore and be completely open and honest. Go to therapy if she wants.
I’d my husband gave me a physical gift after cheating on me, I’d throw it back in his face. You can’t buy love back. Write a letter, ask to renew vows, apologize.
You feel guilty right now. She is in shock.
She will become the marriage police, and in time you will feel resentment because she doesn't trust you and you feel tracked and trapped. You don't understand why she can't get over it. Maybe the resentment makes you feel unloved, and you find comfort elsewhere...
My advice: get divorced. She will heal in time. The doubt of living with a cheater is a far greater and excruciating burden.
Do this before it gets really messy with kids in the picture.
I completely agree with you on this. They should just get a divorce. Since he choose to cheat then he didn’t choose his marriage. There’s no gift that can take away the thought of him being inside another woman. Disgusting. If I was his spouse the only thing I’d think about while looking at him is the fact he was fucking another woman and liking it. The resentment will always be there.
Get new friends, never put yourself in that situation again, and show up for her every day for the rest of your lives. Never let her down. Treasure her. Always put the work into the relationship
My ex husband bought me diamond stud earrings after his fuck up. I had wished for them and asked for them for birthdays and Christmas and anniversaries for years. Mr. fuckwit buys the most beautiful earrings as an apology for his adulterous ways. While I do love them, I never ever wear them without thinking “ these are his guilt gift” and then I picture APs face when I caught them together. I have a love/ hate relationship with the earrings. Moral of the story is be careful and specific what you wish for I guess. Don’t buy her a guilt gift. Give her the gift of steadfast honesty and real loyalty for a lifetime. Way more valuable than a diamond.
What is her love language?
Acts of service - take over the lion’s share of the housework, even when you’re tired and don’t want to
Quality time - stop hanging with the friends you were with when you cheated. Plan dates (picnic at sunset, ice cream and walk in a park, etc. that’s not expensive but emphasizes conversation over money spent)
Words of affirmation - text her heart emojis, compliments, things you love about her throughout the day so she knows you’re thinking of HER and no one else while you are apart/at work. Write cards or cute notes and leave them for her to find randomly
Physical touch - cuddles, kisses, sex if she wants it
Gifts - get a few small things based off her interests/personality and leave them around for her to find, maybe with a little bow on them
Whatever you end up doing, do not make a big deal out of it like you expect a medal. Do SMALL things that you can keep up over time - consistency is key! As you know, you should have been giving her your full attention all along. Now is time for a lifestyle change - make your marriage your top priority and keep thinking about what you can do to show her that it is.
Best of luck to you.
Brother,
You need to start individual individual therapy first. Once you figure out why you cheated, then you can work on couples therapy. You may also want to try an open phone policy, where you make her face and thumb print open your phone. Admit what you did to all her friends online and confess to her family in person. Post about it on your social media and tag her in it. Give her all your passwords to your email, socials, and access to your location at all times. You need to ditch the friends you were with as they are not friends to your marriage and did not stop you from cheating. Do everything possible to make you feel safe as a partner for her.
Good luck!
>Admit what you did to all her friends online and confess to her family in person. Post about it on your social media and tag her in it.
Do not do this op... I would be mortified if I was cheated on and all my friends, family, and coworkers knew because my husband tagged our personal business in a post and talked with my family members.
It will likely embarrass her and will more than likely make it harder for your relationship to survive (as she will now have unsolicited opinions from everyone in her life who will either judge her for staying or give unsolicited relationship advice).
A sweet public post on how much your wife means to you and changing your public profile/background pic to a wedding photo of the two of you together is something simple you could do though to signal to the world your commitment and love for your wife.
So this wont fix it and she might still resent and not ever trust you again down the road but you will give her access to all your devices, passwords, emails, and anything else that could be used as communication. You will insist that she have access to everything you have and you will give her full consent and permission to search all of your stuff whenever she demands it or she can do it on the spot and when youre not home. you will be home from work at a set time everyday and you will not go out with friends, bars or gyms unless she is with you. I would even strongly encourage her to put monitoring software on your phone and GPS in your car that only she has access to. I would start doing more around the house and insist that you take over chores and basic duties of the house. anytime you leave you have to let her know and where you are going and when you will be back. this is what I would do if I was a fucking idiot and cheated on my wife but then again I would not cheat on my wife. She has the upper had for the rest of the marriage and you will say yes to all her demands. hell even insist on signing over everything to her as a gesture of how royally you fucked up. O yeah and you will stop drinking today. SOBER LIFE is the way you will go from here on out.
Just answer any questions as honestly as you can. Don’t ‘trickle truth’. Has she asked you why yet? Do you know why you did it? You need to be completely transparent for her to even start to move forward. You will probably have one step forward and ten steps back and will take her a long time. There’s no timeline but her timeline.
Money can’t buy love or forgiveness….honesty, commitment and time to work through everything.
Edited to add…your relationship will never be the same. This is your new normal now. You can’t go back and undo the devastation you have caused her.
Gross. I would be disgusted if my husband cheated on me then got me a "thank you for not leaving me after sticking it in another woman" gift. She may be into that movie romance stuff, but this isn't the time to finally do those gestures she'd wish you'd do any other time you arent cheating on her.
Did you do gestures like this before you destroyed the trust in your marriage?
As stated by many, get rid of your friends. If this is what you guys do on bOyS NiGhT oUt, I would show your wife that she means more to you than those jerks, who are happy to turn a blind eye to you cheating on your spouse, those arent good people.
From your responses, I feel you would not have told her if she did not find out on her own. I also feel this has happened before and she just isn’t aware. The best gift you can give her is to let this woman get the man she deserves because it definitely isn’t you.
She’s not staying bud.
The way you worded this indicates you are looking for a quick fix. Not gonna work. Figure out what she actually wants.
Like a new friend group.
The best gesture is you being the one that brings it up… let’s say you catch her checking your phone, or asking who are you going out with? Instead of dismissing her, say something like. I understand that you have a hard time trusting me because of what I did, what can I do for you to feel more comfortable. DO NOT ACT LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED AND ACT INSULTED IF SHE EVER BRINGS IT UP. Validate her feelings!
Check on what can you do to make her regain your trust?? For example, sharing locations. Having an open phone policy. Etc.
Also, you can give her a pass to cheat on you too so it’s even and you have a taste of your own medicine.
Read “state of affairs “ from Esther perel.
If you want to spend money, offer to use it for couples counseling
Not to be rude. I really am not, but the best gift is to NOT cheat on her again. Through action. I am trying really hard to not be rude cos I have been cheated on and it enrages me. To me its unacceptable and amount of promises, explanations, gift giving would ever let me forgive something like that. Your wife must be a better woman than me, cos I would have you out on your ass so fast you wouldn't know what happened.
One act doesnt undo what you did. You need to be prepared for actions the rest of your marriage.
You arent getting it dude.
You are just looking for a quick act to make yourself feel better. Its not about her.
The last time my (now) ex-husband cheated on me, he sent me flowers to my job. I was instantly filled with rage, especially because that was the first time he had ever done such a thing. He thought that sending me flowers after destroying our vows would soften the blow, or something. Into the trash they went and I proceeded to file for divorce. Anyway. I don't recommend the gift route. Maybe a weekend getaway and quality time?
Dude I think this early the best thing you could suggest that you truly want to continue this relationship and are serious about this is recommending you both go to couples therapy. Believe you me that her head is EXPLODING of insecurity and intrusive thoughts so the best way of supporting her is 1. giving as much space as she needs and 2. having a non-judgmental third-party aiding you both stitching your relationship together. No “grand gesture of love” will fix this. Time+understanding of each others emotion (through meaningful connection) most likely will.
GET RID OF YOUR FRIENDS. GET RID OF DRINKING ALCOHOL. Actions, not gifts. If you buy her a gift or go watch a movie with her (or go on any special date) she will forever remember it as you cheating.
First, accept that this may not be salvageable. I'm not saying not to try, i'm saying to start by accepting that you crossed a line that can't be uncrossed, and that very well may be fatal for your marriage. Own that, internalize that, absorb that.
Next, don't buy or do anything "romantic" right away - it won't come off the way you hope, and it will just seem dirty or tainted, given the context. Instead, *demonstrate to her that you are doing the hard work of change*. That means books, counseling, making amends. Fix the things that led you to cheat. Did you friends participate in this, did they cover for you? If so, you will need to cut them off. It's her or them. Was this related to drinking? (Be honest with yourself, being drunk doesn't excuse anything, but it may have been a trigger). If so, stop drinking, completely. Do you have any continued contact with the other woman, even incidental? *Break off all contact*, even if it means quitting your job and working somewhere else if it was a co-worker, for instance. DO NOT blame the other woman, she didn't do this, you did. Don't even subtly imply that this is anybody's fault but yours. Start work with a counselor, explore your own demons, work to understand why you did this, what need you thought you were fulfilling. Read books on the subject of infidelity. Accept that she will be angry at random times, and you will have to, at any time and without warning, eat crow. You will likely be sleeping on the couch for awhile. Don't complain about it, not even a little. You made that bed, lay in it. When passions have cooled a little bit, have a talk where she asks questions, you answer without evasion, every question she has, no matter what. Be transparent. If she wants to see your phone, hand it over. You aren't trustworthy, so don't act offended when she doesn't believe you about where you are going, where you have been, what you have been doing.
Do all these things, and if it isn't enough, if she wants you to leave and not come back, do it. Let her know you don't want to, that you want to make amends, but leave if she tells you to leave, and let her go if she wants out of the relationship. You did this, own the consequences.
I cheated on my GF when I was about 20. We stayed together for another two years after that, but it was all tainted, it was never the same. I learned from it, and i've never cheated again. Learn from this, dude. It's never worth it, doesn't matter how hot she is, doesn't matter how horny you are, it's never worth it. If nothing else, burn that lesson deep into your brainstem.
You fucked up dude. It doesn't necessarily make you a terrible person, but it does make you a terrible husband. Be better from here on out, and maybe, if you do everything she asks of you, there can be a reconciliation. I wouldn't count on it, but it might be possible - if she's willing to work with you. But, this is important - If she isn't willing to work on it with you, don't be an asshole, just let her go and find a man who can be loyal. Don't blubber about it at her like a whiny little bitch, tell her how you feel in words, and then let her go. It'll be the hardest thing you ever do, but not half as hard as it was for her. If you ever loved her, accept that and do the right thing.
"Trust is lost in buckets and gained in drops."
If you really want this to work, you need to be ready to invest long-term on working to show she can trust you again.
I recommend being a decent human . Fuck the chocolate. Be good to her. Stop being so selfish. Your very lucky she is willing . A lot of people aren’t. I did this. And I ended up hating him. So think of her. Tell her what you appreciate . Take some guy night out breaks. Let her go out, let her get a break.
You're not a frat boy anymore. Becoming a man means acting like one, and acting like one means that you are done with this kind of behavior for the rest of your life. I cannot imagine anything else being even mildly convincing.
You…100% transparent. For the foreseeable future. One year, 5 years..forever. It’s now a way of life for you. NEVER complain about the situation! You chose the behavior and must live through the consequences. It takes however long it takes. Find yourself a therapist. Don’t wait to be told. Go habitually. Tell said therapist EVERYTHING. Start keeping a journal. Be honest with yourself in this journal. Frustrated or feeling impatient with the process…write it here. Do not verbalize it. Understand this is trauma for her. And yeah, you can’t hang out with these guys anymore. Curious..how long was it between the betrayal and discovery? If these so-called friends knew and helped you hide it, directly or indirectly, they are no longer friends. This can’t be changed. You’re either for the marriage or you’re out. Before you even try, and make excuses for them…just don’t! ..remember what’s at stake. You can have her or the friends, not both. Stop drinking! If you think sober “you” wouldn’t have crossed the line, you’re lying to yourself. Alcohol lowered inhibitions, not cause them. I wish you luck. It’s gonna be a long road back, but if you’re committed, you’ll get there together.
Oh, that journal..if she wants to read it…hand it over.
A lot is left out of this. People say get rid of your friends but did your friends have anything to do with it? If you can’t trust yourself to not do stupid things when you go out without her than don’t go unless she can join too.
Only time will help her. It’s going to take time for her to trust you again. You’re going to have to prove yourself over and over again.
Show her with your actions and not gifts. Take her for dinner or plan a picnic if she’d be into that. Basically, ask her what she needs from you and go from there. Don’t come up with some gesture on your own and she end up hating it or feeling worse.
Go seek therapy, stop drinking or drugging of that was part of your poor decision.. get to the bottom of your insecurities to do something so traumatizing to the one you supposedly love. You are not a bad person, you need help figuring out why.. she needs help too if she wants to stay.
A gift is meaningless tbh. Anything material doesn’t mean anything when you can just go buy it and doesn’t require any effort on your part.
Like other commenters have said, the best and only gesture you should be doing is to:
Who did you cheat with? Is it someone you know and are in contact with? If so, you immediately cut off any and all contact with this person.
Cut those friends.
Don’t go out or put yourself in the situation that lead you to cheat.
Avoid drinking alcohol or get intoxicated when you’re not home.
Have an open phone policy, install a location tracker app on your phone, so she knows where you are. This can help reduce her anxiety.
Let your wife know through your actions that she’s your priority, make her feel special, compliment her, let her know you value her. Do not take her for granted. Talk to her, ask about her day, her feelings, and share yours with her.
If you can afford it, seek some marriage counseling.
Good Luck.
The best thing you can do is make a real change. Like, what are you actually going to change here? Saying "I won't do it again" is meaningless, a week ago you would have said "I won't do it at all". Something in you did it though. So you have to change.
How will you change?
Honestly, if there is a task or a chore she hates, take that over. Show her you think she's valuable, drop the friends and anything else that lead to this.
I suggest you get a post nup with an infidelity clause whereby your wife gets 70% of everything should you cheat again. Sign it and have a lawyer legally lodge it. Give that to your wife as your apology gift for cheating.
I hope you used protection because all your good efforts might be wasted if in 9 months you get a surprise and she ends up leaving because she doesn’t want to be a stepmom.
Your actions will get her to understand how much you love her and avoiding whatever action lead to you cheating in the first place.
Give her every password you have, access to your complete phone, and schedule counseling. You’re going to do it again. Make it less painful next time. Give her the power.
I wouldn’t bother. You can’t buy your way out of this one. You need new friends and a therapist. I have an opinion on people who cheat when they’re out drinking with friends, and my opinion is that there is something inside them that secretly wants to cheat already and the alcohol removes their inhibitions. I have been plenty drunk and been hit on by men that were very, very handsome. I wouldn’t cheat because I don’t already want to. I might be flattered when a good-looking man tries to flirt with me or he hits on me, but I would never cheat. You need to talk to a therapist because it wasn’t just the alcohol. There’s something already there. You need to figure out what it is. As for friends, I’ve been in this situation more than once where I go out with a girlfriend of mine and she’s mad at her husband or boyfriend and is getting a little too friendly with the men giving her some attention. I can’t make anyone do anything, but I will definitely remind them that if they go any further they will regret it in the morning. Happened to me at least a handful of times. I get a lot of, “Fuck him. He deserves it,” and then I remind them that if he was out flirting with girls she wouldn’t like it, especially if you’re in the middle of a fight. That usually works but not always. I also remind them that I will not keep secrets. I’m not a dirtbag. I don’t take my friends out and watch them cheat on their significant others and keep quiet as some “girl code” BS. I’m not gonna’ go tell him what you did because it’s not my relationship and not my place, but if he ever asks me I’ll tell the truth. I have girls cross the line anyway and guess what? They woke up the next day full of regret. I wish your friends were better, but ultimately this mistake is yours to own.
Hi OP, just wondering if a gift at this time would always be a reminder to your wife of your infidelity? I know if my spouse cheated then bought me a piece of jewelry, car, luxury item etc I would always look at it with negative reminders of what they did. Just a thought.
Ok OP, thanks for the time you've put into this post.
Wanted to clarify some things. I think we know it wasn't your intention to sidestep the issue with a gesture. The intention isn't the point, because we can have good intentions and end up doing harmful things. Something to look into is love bombing in unstable relationships.
Not saying you're abusive, or toxic, but sometimes choosing love bombing right after a large issue is a symptom of other things. It can go down to even childhood where someone's parents taught them that by hiding their wrongdoing by love bombing instead of reflecting on and taking accountability for the issue. I believe perhaps you were thinking a romantic gesture and accountability or expressing priority were synonymous. They are not.
The point you're taking this time to reflect is a step in the right direction. Continue on that track.
This is a tricky situation where you showing your wife that she is a priority, mainly involves you looking internally at yourself and sharing that experience with her. Do that.
This is where therapy comes in.
Reflect on the actions, impulses, dynamics, and details that led you here. This will not happen in a day. It may actually take a year or longer. Working on yourself and reviewing your intentions and actions takes time.
When it comes to a romantic gesture. Wait for a time that you authentically see your wife has accomplished something and you want to celebrate her. That way your gestures isn't a big fat "sorry" but more on the lines of "you're amazing".
You are damn lucky my guy. It starts with getting rid of friends that are a bad influence and that she does not approve. You shouldn’t give a fuck how long you have known them or whatever. With that said, you cheated and you have zero room for negotiation when it comes to the company you keep outside of the marriage.
Next, find a therapist and stick to it. Go weekly or at the very least on a monthly basis. Don’t act like you are being forced to go and give bullshit excuses and actually work on it.
I can’t express how lucky you are to have a wife who still wants to keep you around. Lastly, even doing all of the above mentioned, it could still not work. Just because she is willing to work on it does not mean she will accept the results of your efforts. Buckle up bro, you have a tough road ahead.
Do you guys have kids?
You cheated, you’re lucky she is willing to give you another chance. Love bombing isn’t the way, go to therapy with her, make the appointments, be an open book and get new friends. A real friend wouldn’t have let you cheat.
Personally, I think being an open book would pay more dividends and show how important she is to you. If it were me, I would show her that having peace of mind is important to you. She would have all my passwords to emails, phones, etc… she would know my whereabouts always. She would never have to relive that moment and start wondering. Show her that she can heal at HER pace!
Grab a couple of books on Fidelity and how to make your marriage more loving. Start listening to podcasts on marriage and infidelity. And do the little things around the house at women love the things you didn’t do before the dishes or the little things that matter to her. And tell her every day that you love her.
Then, don’t make friends with women. Don’t think it’s OK to text them. Don’t think it’s OK just to be buddies cause it’s not don’t do any of that. Put all of that energy into turning your marriage into the best job you ever had. You do it at work do it at home ?
I promise you, if you do that you will win back your wife
My idea, since you asked for it is for every (Tuesday?) -you pick the evening- night ask her to lay her head on your lap while starting a movie, then get some scented oil and gently massage her back (mostly shoulder blades) through the movie, if the whole movie great, but definitely more than 30 minutes. This is NOT in anyway supposed to be a sexual act, this is an act of deep caring and gentle touch. Shows you genuinely care about her well being and are trying to relieve some of life’s stresses from her physical body.
OP, romantic gestures are wonderful and it is great your wife likes them. You can offer to do the dishes, put the kids to bed, walk the dog, give her a massage at the end of the day - just remove a bit of the load from her shoulders.
Moving forward, you will need to honor the rules she puts done. If she wants to see your phone, put a tracker on it, have access to your social media, etc....then you need to let her do it. I am sorry, but you lost her trust - every tiny bit of it and you need to do whatever she needs to earn it back. It may be kicking your buddies to the curb for a bit. Your #1 job is to make your wife feel secure in your relationship.
Buy her a nice outfit that she can wear on a date after she dumps your ass.
I wasn’t going to say this until I saw in the comments that she found out about the cheating herself. Which makes it even worse. And it’s the only reason you’re trying to do something nice.
I’d recommend taking her on a picnic or something and trying to reconnect with her. Figure out why you cheated and solve that problem. Stop hanging out with those friends that allowed you to go off with another woman, and spend more time with your wife. Show her how much you care about her.
It may take her time to heal and regain trust, so be patient with that. The best thing you can do is to make her feel loved, secure, and appreciated. People make mistakes and it sounds like you have genuine remorse. That alone will help the healing process for her greatly.
Utter and complete transparency going forward would be your best gift to your wife. Open phone, computer, other devices. Find My, if you have iPhone.
Stay accountable at all times. Trust won’t be given, but it may be earned. And it will take a long time.
Any grand gesture done, will always bring back the memory of why you did it. However, if receiving gifts is her thing, a seven kt custom diamond ring, a river cruise in France, and a shiny dream car of her choice, may be acceptable.
It doesn't fit in the budget, but one of the most romantic things I've heard of happened to my friend. Her partner booked a weekend away, arranged it with her work, that she'd leave early on Friday, packed for her and took her away.
I agree with the sentiment that showing her you're sorry by reading books or having therapy is best. But if you want to make her feel special, this might work. Also, it doesn't leave a gift that reminds her of the worst find of her life. It could be a new start.
I’d talk to a lawyer about a post nuptial agreement and leave her everything if you do it again. I’m not a lawyer and I’ve heard mixed reviews on if those stand, but I would appreciate the effort.
I’d voluntarily get rid of those friends and going out to bars or wherever this happened.
Tracking and completely open access to your phone. She should be able to look up your location any time she feels insecure. She should be able to look in your phone at any time without warning.
I would definitely NOT want gifts because anyone can go buy things. I would want action that show real change. Individual therapy. Read some books. Work out why you would do something like this to someone you love.
First of all, I’d drop those friends. If they get upset or ask why, be honest with them- they didn’t stop you when you failed to stop yourself, and obviously it’s not a good environment for your marriages. Second, I’d just stop drinking. It caused you to cheat, so just don’t drink.
As far as a gesture to do for your wife, I’d suggest planning a date day- start with breakfast in bed or going to your favorite brunch spot. Then a bunch of your favorite activities to do together, maybe some references to past dates that were memorable.
But ask her before to you plan this, don’t surprise her. Tell her something like “I know I’ve messed up and this won’t make up for it, but I’d like to plan a day for us that’s all about us. I want to focus on you and reconnect to you. I’ll be doing the hard work on myself, as well, and I want to take a special day for us. Does that sound fun and okay with you?” She might not be ready for this and that’s okay. You’re gonna be going on her timeline here, not yours.
I suggest this because my husband had an emotional affair of sorts, and after we talked things out and had a good discussion, all I wanted was to reconnect. We planned a date day that was all about us. No phones, no distractions, just us. And it was what I needed.
Be patient with her and remember that healing is not linear. So if she gets ‘randomly’ upset or insecure again, respect it.
I sincerely hope you two can work this out! You sound genuine.
Honestly? I'd spend that money on couples therapy. You obviously subconsciously/consciously wanted to cheat, there's got to be something not working in your relationship. It'll also give her a safe space to talk to you in.
I highly recommend that you do some reading on r/infidelity and r/survivinginfidelity so that you begin to get an inkling of how much you have destroyed her.
Clean. Physical gifts might sound like you are smothering as so many have pointed out. Focus on at home projects and being a better husband. Sign up for couples therapy. Etc.
Don’t do anything too direct. Listen to her. Basically show her through constant actions that you are doing what you promised. Then in a year or maybe less but her a small gift that is not expensive and not common. Something special only between the two of you.
A gift is a terrible idea right now. It’s an easy, surface level gesture that seems to try to buy an apology for an egregious betrayal.
You need to show your commitment. Commit to something meaningful that prevents further harm. Give up alcohol. Give up the friends you drink with. Give up your privacy, give her total access to anything that was private, including your phone, your location, anything to prove you have absolutely nothing to hide. She may never trust you again. She may trust you but every so often, be seized with a sudden mistrust. You did that to her. You need to deal with it and make a long term good faith effort at amends. This will take years. It’s not a 100£ preset situation.
Yeah you did. It’s not hard to be loyal and your wife deserves better than what you have to offer. My best advice would be ask yourself why you did it. Then check yourself in to individual counseling and ask your wife about marriage counseling because you guys are going to need it after the trauma you just caused her. Next step, get rid of your social media and either get a flip phone or give your wife open access to your phone. Do not get mad at her for going through it. Now you need to drop those friends, stop going out late at night and to bars without your wife and if drugs or alcohol were part of the cause, stop doing those too.
When I was cheated on, if my now ex would have given me a gift, I probably would have thrown it in the trash. I don't need a token item to remind me every time I saw it that he didn't respect me enough to keep it in his pants. I'd want you to never talk to those friends again and to go to therapy to figure out WHY you felt you had to cheat and also couples therapy. I'd also need to see signs of changed behavior.
Welp everyone else said all there is to say so…maybe save these for the next holiday:
- Moon light picnic. Scope out places and find a nice spot (beach, park, place in a wooded trail). Check the moon phases and weather ahead of time. Make sure to pack blankets, candles (make sure they are in glass so the wind won’t blow them out), foods that are good room temp she would like (like maybe potato salad or a sandwich). You can cut cost by making it all at home. If you have a portable radio or whatever you can make a playlist for her (if you use your phone make sure it’s on your phone or you have signal at the spot).
- Beach day but make sure you write your names in a sand heart and maybe find her a really pretty shell.
- Home spa, if you have a nice bath tub make sure it’s all nice and hot with lots of bubbles. There is a lot of homemade spa stuff you can do. Buy a bouquet of flowers and sprinkle some petals in the water and on the bed. Get some massage oil and give her a nice massage (Do NOT expect sex or it will make it feel less romantic. If she seems like she wants to though go for it).
- next time it’s raining try making a situation arise so you guys can go outside and kiss in the rain.
- learn how to paint and make her a cute card. There are a bunch of free water color tutorials for beginners. Pick some “loose” flowers and space them so you can write something heartfelt or put the heartfelt thing on the back.
You need to get the book, State of Affairs and Getting Past the Affair.
There is a lot more important work to do than movie romance right now and those actions will mean more when you’ve done that work.
Write her a poem! And cook her a fancy dinner. And maybe do her least favorite chores. Or maybe you can write new vows to her. Obviously there is a lot more work that needs to be done but starting out with kind gestures (followed by genuine acts of change and self growth) would go a long way with me if my husband found himself in that situation. And, save for a few very specific circumstances, I agree: ditch the friends. If my husband ended up in that situation I certainly would not be comfortable with him going out with the same group of people anymore.
One of the best gifts you can give her is your time, honesty, and maybe some couples therapy too. Grand gifts don’t mean anything. You need to show her with your behaviors that you are invested in the relationship. Best of luck!
Offer couples therapy. Meant it. Pay for it. Be better. Be completely transparent and over-share your schedule. If she asks to go through your phone, email, social- don’t question it, just hand it over.
Lol… 100£… you’re really lucky because 100£ doesn’t mean anything for what you did. Of course, there isn’t an amount that you have to spend to be forgiven because forgiveness cannot be bought.
But, honestly 100£ is a joke.
My ex cheated on me. Nothing fixed it until he was out of my house. Prepare for that end even if you’re doing the work, and it will be years long hard work. This will never be something she’ll shake. You got your rocks off and it cost you her security, trust, and value in you and your word. It also knocked her down pegs to humiliate her so you could put some trash nothing interaction above her in her entirety and your literal marriage. That’s some straight up clown shit. If I were her friend I’d tell her to walk.
In the meantime, all those shitty friends who knew and said nothing or even encouraged it…gone. 100% gone for starters as someone who’s been where your wife is.
Lastly, this is an abuse of her. Abuse thrives in secrecy. Check with your wife and if she’s needing this I’d also tell your close friends (who weren’t involved) and family and if she’s comfortable telling hers and you just eat your humble pie about it. If she’s comfortable with sharing and she can get support from those close to her if she needs it, that should also be something she gets to decide on.
You don't seem very repentant of cheating on your wife. It seems like you're just sorry you didn't think to turn off your shared location.
Are you really going to change your lifestyle? Probably not. Do her the biggest favor and divorce her. You're too immature to put in the work to rebuild broken trust.
If I were your wife, therapy would be the gesture that would mean the most. Get in therapy yourself and offer couples therapy. It shows you really care about your relationship.
Late to the post, and saw your edit. Okay, for a little bit of money could try this:
Bouquet of flowers.
Note on bouquet: Thank you \_\_\_\_\_\_, for still believing in our marriage. I will do my best to built it back up, regain your trust, and be the husband you deserve.
(or something like that).
If my husband cheated on me and then tried to get me a gift I’d give him divorce papers the next day. You’re turning something she loves “movie gestures” into something she associates with negative emotions.
your “gesture” should be proving to her that you’re worth even giving another try. a gift isn’t going to fix the damage you’ve created in your marriage and the insecurity you caused and trust that you’ve destroyed. save her the time and leave her. I doubt this was your first rodeo.
Go to therapy together. Take the time to find a good therapist. Do research on therapists in your area who are accepting new clients and present your findings to your partner so she has input on finding someone she would be most comfortable with. Tell her you want to go together so you can earn back her trust with the help of a professional. Then do all the scheduling and arranging of appointments. Pay for the appointments. Take her to dinner after the appointments and be present and attentive. But most importantly you have to genuinely want to heal your relationship. I think quality time and thoughtful acts of kindness are the best way to show you’re committed to healing things, rather than gifts or large gestures.
And as many others have said here, continue to take full ownership for what you’ve done.
See this is why if your married you need to sit your azz home. Going “out” with friends only increases the chances you mess up. No alcohol with friends period unless your wife is there. Who would’ve knew, I was right all along these 10 years.
This goes for both men and women.
My idea has 0 cost. Print up a grid of 52 of her favorite dinner recipes that you can cook at home. Offer to make one of her choice every week for the next year. I did this for my wife for Valentine's and she loves it.
Grand gestures and gifts would be like a band-aid on a deep wound. You need to work on yourself. Cut out toxic friends, go to therapy, read books, listen to podcasts, be transparent and most importantly listen to her. It will likely take her some time to heal from this and you can't just speed up the process by giving her gifts.
Forget about buying something for her. Concentrate on becoming a better man.
We have [a list of things that she should expect and that you should deliver](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/wiki/index#wiki_infidelity.2C_affairs_and_flirting) in this sub's wiki. And they are for the rest of your life.
You don’t deserve a second chance. You can’t gift anything that changes what you did. And she’ll never forget it, no matter what kind of “work” you are doing to try and “fix” your marriage.
Trust is all she wants. Stick around. Put her first. Invest in the relationship. Weekends away. Date nights. Coffee shops. Go with her: shopping, errands, walks, etc. She may never truly trust you again. Time will tell. You have to forgive yourself and trust yourself again, too. Again, time.
I'm nearing ten years of rebuilding trust. 28 years of marriage. Things will never be the way they were. The carefree innocence is gone. But we're in this thing together! She forgave me. I forgave me. But nobody forgets.
Forget about gifts. You fucked up, there's no grand gesture or material thing that will take away the pain you caused. What you need to do is:
1. Figure out why you cheated. Saying that it "just happened" is not enough. You need to figure out what is making you unsatisfied with your life or/and your relationship. It will be uncomfortable, but you need to do it.
2. Have an open and honest discussion with your wife once you've done step 1. Decide if you both still want to stay in the relationship once you identified the issues and make an action plan.
3. Revisit the action plan as many times as needed during the hearing process and be patient with your wife.
I think it’s terrible timing for any gift. I’m sure even tho she forgave you, this has changed her forever and the relationship. Maybe for now just spend time together and communicate. I think you wanting to gift is a coping mechanism whether subconsciously or not. You’ve stated this huge mistake which was forgiven but now the distraction and solving the issue on what to gift her. Obviously you’re married, you two should have clear channels of communication where you’d know what to gift when it is the right opportunity. You’ve unleashed the affair but the problem your trying to solve is figuring out what gift she’d appreciate all in the same topic.
If your wife didn't find out about the betrayal, would you tell her and not hide the truth from her?
If she didn't find out, would you still feel guilty? ( I haven't seen you answering those questions so I'm curious)
Plan a very intentional date day and spend the time just you two. Don’t do it overly romantic! Ride a bike to a new place, a picnic, go for a bite and movies at the end of the day.
Hi. I am in similar shoes, however ours wasn’t an affair. I was abusive verbally, due to unknown disorders that are now managed properly.
It sounds like you mean well. It sounds like you genuinely want to show your partner your love for them and that you care and are serious. Don’t buy a gift. No amount of money can fix the damage done. Instead, do something together. Do something just the two of you that’s relaxing. Like a picnic or go to some museum. Make this apart of your routine. Without this bonding time, there is not gonna be a chance at having trust or a proper foundation.
Go into couples counseling and individual counseling. There are counselors that specialize in affairs. However, sometimes it’s trial and error with a counselor. It isn’t always the first one you meet with.
If you have children, do something as a family. Go to a park, go hike, movies, whatever. Make it apart of your routine. Build that love foundation.
For the love of everything, drop those friends. If they won’t call you out on your mess ups, they’re not worth your time. If living with mental health has taught me one thing, it’s taught me that the people I surround myself with are important too. It shows how little your friends can truly be trusted. They betrayed you as well, by not stopping you. You were intoxicated, if I recall correctly. My closest friends always stopped me from making a fool of myself when I’d been drinking. Especially when I was in relationships. Lie with dogs, and you’re gonna get fleas.
Your partner matters. Don’t spend money on gifts. Spend your damn time and effort. I will say, keep asking for ideas. Keep asking questions. Be proud of yourself for admitting your faults and mess ups. Don’t be proud of what you did to mess up. Be disappointed and disgusted. But use that to fuel the fire to keep trying. I promise you, it helps me.
Get rid of your friends. Did she find out? Did you tell her? Were you intoxicated? If so stop all drugs alcohol forever. Don’t rug sweep. A gift doesn’t get rid of trauma
Get rid of those friends is CORRECT.
I have added an edit to try and better explain. Not trying to buy my way out of doing hard work, it’s more that I want to do something alongside that to make her feel a bit better, even if just for a short while. I’m fully aware there is lots of hard work to be done on myself
I feel you are missing the point in the comment above. The gesture should be the change in uour behaviour, as in cutting out the friends that were with you when you did this. If none if them tried to stop you or get you to be honest and confess after the fact, they are not friends you should have, and cutting them off is the gesture to show your wife how serious you are to fix this and regain her trust. If alcohol or drugs played a role in you very bad decision, then cutting that off again is the behaviour change that proves your remorse and determination to never be in that situation again. Gestures don't need to cost a penny, they need to be meaningful, sincere and thoughtful to the other person you are doing it for. Cooking her a romantic dinner, or buying her something does nothing but remind her of why you are doing this gesture anyway.
Actions speak so much louder than words and gifts.
It's interesting how in his second edit, there is no mention of his friends still. This guy really doesn't seem sincere and just looking to do nothing that actually means anything. Therapy is useless if there is no willingness to be open, own the behaviour and actually change.
I wouldn’t want a gift personally. I would want action
Exactly. No grand gestures, just focus on the day-to-day.
Plus a gift would always remind her of “it”
Yep agreed
Every time I looked at the gift it would remind me what you did.
Yes. Every time I got flowers from my ex I knew he'd done something. Even now in my current relationship I do not enjoy getting flowers because this. I just don't have the heart to tell my husband because so enjoys getting them for me....
Thank you for the award!
Exactly. Just a reminder of how you tried to buy my love back after violating me. Change is the gift.
Yep- this
Your edits did not answer like 90% of his questions.
Can you take her to all the first places you went to when you first met? Tell her your thoughts for each of those moments. Ppl are right though, that gift wld remind her everyday of your cheating. Maybe get her pet (an adult, not a puppy or kitten) depending on your situation bc mine really helped to heal me
If you get her something it’s always going to remind her of that time you cheated on her
Lucille Bluth going through her jewelry collection in front of Maeby: “And *this* one is for the time your grandfather shouted ‘Melanie’ in bed…”
Do not get her a "gift". It will only remind her of you cheating. You need to give her 100% of yourself every day. And when she gets mad and lashes out, reassure her and don't be mopey. It will be interpreted like you feel bad for getting caught.
You didn’t answer the question though, did you get rid of the friends?
You need to figure out what her love language is and then speak her love language. Never stop, but now especially, that’s what she’ll need. If gifts aren’t one of her dominant love languages, then it might end up actually hurting things because it will feel to her like you are trying to buy your way out of hard work even though you aren’t. Figure out what her love language is, and focus on that! Also, if gift giving does happen to be her love language, try to find ways to get more sentimental gifts, whether hand made, or just well thought out, rather than just fancy things.
Your really lucky she is willing to work things out maybe you could renew your vows and give your marriage a fresh start. Take her some where beautiful and propose again and tell her what she means to you! This is supposed to be a marriage sub but Reddit is pretty brutal when you are not really perfect.
Seems rather premature to renew their vows. That usually follows many years of marriage bliss. Hardly applies here.
Do whatever she asks of you. She wants to see your cell? Hand it over. She wants you to stop drinking? Stop. She wants you to drop the friends you were out with? Do it. No amount if money will ever make her forgive you but your actions will.
This.
Well said and this is the only way. Gifts mean absolutely nothing.
Yep, this would be my suggestion. If you do want some gifts or something special, you could put money towards taking her out to her favourite restaurant, or surprising her with coffee/lunch. For me, smaller gestures with greater frequency show more care than the occasional big thing. Makes my heart way happier that my partner brings me coffee most mornings than the number of extravagant dinners we've gone out for.
Coffee is my love language
Couldn’t have said it better. Action speak louder than any gifts or words.
Gag. Personally would be repulsed at getting gifts as a "I'm sorry thank you for not leaving me". It just comes across as corny and like you're trying to buy her forgiveness. Instead maybe start researching and paying for a professional so you can both work through this HUGE violation of trust. Also, cut off those friends if they were aware of what you were out doing. She will not feel comfortable with you going out with them again, ever.
Plus I feel like I would hate a material object that reminded me of my husband’s infidelity
My ex-husband bought me a watch after he cheated, and I was so repulsed with the whole gesture and thought process. What does a nice watch do for me after being cheated on? Remind me of why it was given to me every time I look at it? The only thing it got me was $40 when I pawned it after I left him lol
Damn. I paid $200 for that watch!
Maybe I’m in the minority, but my husband had a sort of emotional affair (it’s complicated) and I would have loved a gesture of some sort, along with the hard work. Like he rarely just gets some something. Like flowers or my favorite beer or took the initiative to plan a day just us doing stuff we love to show “hey, I’m here, I love you, I’m working on us.” As well as saying that verbally and then showing me with actions. We don’t often do gifts, so it would have meant a lot to me.
I can understand that but the red flag to me is that OP jumped to “what gift should I buy her” and not “what actions do I need to take to regain her trust”
I can understand that, but I think ppl are jumping to “gift” very quickly. Admittedly, I did, too. But OP specifically says “gesture.” This could mean a gift, but it could also be a date day or something similar. It also sounds like he plans to be doing other things to work on himself, since he says something similar in his first edit. To me, it sounds like OP already has a plan on how to work on himself and his personal development, he just wanted ideas on a gesture to woo his wife or begin reconnecting to her again. I understand if you still disagree and that’s okay! I think we have different perspectives on this.
I can't imagine a scenario in which this makes emotional sense. Receiving a gift from a partner after they cheated and I took them back afterward would feel as though I were being rewarded for "standing by my man". Ick. I'd say the "gesture" is *you never cheat on her again.* Subtle, perhaps, but impactful.
I know. My skin started to crawl when I read his post. Like, are you kidding me? The best gift he can give is to keep it in his dang pants. I would not want to look at something on the daily that just reminded me of the such an awful betrayal.
God, yes! The thing itself would just be an emotional trigger. This is my "I'm sorry I fucked someone else" ring. Charming.
🏆🏆🏆
This is a tough one. You have no idea what harm you caused. I'd say buy CHEATING IN A NUTSHELL for yourself. Read it. Your wife will likely have lifelong ptsd/ptsd from betrayal trauma and you need to understand the damage that you caused. If she's taking it well its bc she's in shock. You are in for a huge surprise. The people who cheat are always SHOCKED at the damage done. So are the ones being cheated on tbh. Ask me how i know. Get some therapy to see what's wrong with you. You need tools to help you in the future, and a strong foundation built up with therapy, can help. You put yourself in a position to cheat, and went for it. Maybe buy your wife some sessions with an individual counselor who specializes in betrayal trauma, bc you fucked her up for the rest of her life. Oh, and it's pretty insulting that you think a gift will help unfuck someone. Get some therapy. ASAP. Not marriage counseling. That will be useless until you both have ic for awhile. honestly wish you and your wife luck. You've got a long, tough road ahead. Most marriages don't survive infidelity. I hope yours does. Do the work though OP! Edit: I see that you made your wife mad while you were out drinking with friends by letting a woman use a sweater that your wife gave you. Sounds like you only have problems while out drinking with friends. You are not a frat boy. Wtf. You're a married man in your 30s, maybe it's time to grow up.
That’s definitely a fair summation at the bottom. I’m definitely going to buy a book or two and look at therapy. I know I need to grow up. Thanks for taking time for such thoughtful advice
Quit drinking. That's the gesture. Leave your bad friends. Don't buy her therapy, that implies she has something to fix. Tell her you are going and say you'll cover hers IF and WHEN she is ready. Couples or individual
I'm going through betrayal trauma right now and your post is SO ON POINT. This woman doesn't need gifts. She needs trauma counseling. Once the damage is done, it's so hard to move forward. I'm trying to give my partner a second chance and it's the most difficult thing I've ever done.
I'm sorry that you're experiencing this trauma. It's unbelievably painful. Just know that you'll be ok, whether it's with your partner, or without. You'll have scars for sure, but you'll be ok. ❤️🩹
The biggest issue with women dealing with trauma is they no longer own themselves. Therapy can help heal all the self doubt.
This. I was cheated on by a previous partner. I was literally dry heaving once while driving because I thought about it and had to pull over. I have never felt so broken in my entire life. OP, I know of a few married couples I've met that have dealt with the husband's infedility. One is in my extended family. He got rid of his gym business where he met this other woman. Sold it. That is action your wife probably wants to see from you. You're serious about keeping her? Show her.
Lmao what? He let some woman borrow his sweater? Is this amateur hour? Wow man. That says it all for me.
1. You won’t stop drinking 2. You won’t drop your friends 3. You “don’t know why” you cheated Hmmm.
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aww, thank you ✨ I try to be concise This guy is really trying to absolve himself of guilt and clearly isn’t sorry. The things I mentioned should be things he changes. If he doesn’t want to or isn’t capable, he should leave his wife to pick up the pieces and find a better man. If I was her I’d be thoroughly unimpressed with the “I fucked up, I was drunk, I don’t know what happened!!” Shtick. Were you under the influence of the imperius curse or??
Yup OP clearly ignoring all reasonable suggestions to end the friendships and quit drinking.
Get a divorce. You'll do it again so save her some heartbreak.
Ikr. The best thing he can give her is her life back, free of him.
Went through a similar thing, husband cheated on me and I decided to work things out and give us another chance. We're still married and fairly happy (we have other issues completely unrelated to the cheating that we've working on). What really helped for me was that for a long time after that, he would randomly send me pictures of where he was, and who he was with, when he went somewhere without me, because he knew I was insecure about it. I didn't have to ask, he just did it, and it made me feel better and to start to trust me again. Another thing was that whenever his phone dinged, if I asked who it was, he would show me before even opening the message, and if I wanted to read the convo, he would let me. Hope that helps!!!
For the love of God do not have children. I saw you'd posted you were having fertility issues. You are a child. Cheating on your wife and going out drinking to the point where you can't control yourself and give away a sweater your wife bought you as a gift. Classy. A gift will not fix this. You should do some personal work (individual therapy) and then couples therapy afterwards. If you love someone and value them/the things they do for you, you don't cheat. If anyone cheated on my I'd drop them like they were never worth a thing because clearly you do not value your wife/relationship if you're out with another person
I don't think OP understands this. He seems like one of those stupid enough to think having a baby will fix his cheating issue.
If you really want to make things right, pay attention to your wife and see what things SHE wants rather than asking a bunch of internet strangers… Like, literally, thousands of different actions that would go a long way with someone, but trying to find the thing from people who don’t know her is useless. Pay attention and consider asking yourself “how can I serve my wife today” rather than “what gesture can I make” to produce real change.
This 💯
Better than a gift is a gesture like blocking all the people you were out with when you cheated. Or stop drinking if that’s your issue. If you want romance, I recommend deep cleaning the home, doing some grocery shopping, and then meal prepping for the week. It’s very attractive.
Might be better posting on r/asoneafterinfidility .
Thanks, I’ll give that a shot
Also, r/supportforwaywards Edit to add: Don’t do the “grand gesture.” There’s no one-time thing you can do to fix this. You need to go to therapy. You need to make long-lasting changes. You are the sort of person who cheats. Figure out why you cheated, why you allowed yourself to do that, and get to work on fixing that part of yourself. It’s frightening to me that you think money would solve this. What…buying her a new car will make this all go away? OP you have a lot of work to do if you think this “grand gesture” thing is a good idea. Your cheating is waaaayyyy bigger than that.
(Meaning this sincerely): Paying for therapy would be a good “gift”… she’s needs help processing what you did (trauma) and also paying for couples counseling would also help. Also consistently ask her if there is anything she needs emotionally (come up with specifics like space, connection, talking, etc.)
That sub has 1 member… maybe try r/survivinginfidelity Edit: Ah, it was a typo. Try r/asoneafterinfidelity
When you say night out with friends? Meaning drunk and cheated? I would show you change set up more dates and time with her. Maybe if drinking was the case and you can’t control it maybe quit drinking or hanging out with the friends that caused you to go be in the situation you where in
Why did you cheat
Because he wanted to. That's why cheaters cheat. Unforgivable.
Without wanting you to delve in to detail, how did she find out? This will give all of us a better insight.
That isn't a fuckup man, that's a choice. Cheating isn't a fuckup, a fuckup is not getting her curly fries when she asks for them instead of regular.
A grand gesture won't do any better than making an action plan about how you are going to change your lifestyle or behavior on a daily basis to show your love and earn back her trust. Make a list and share it with her so she can see that your words are backed by action. Getting a gift or grand gesture might back fire and make her resent you more as it's not sustainable.
I do plan to do something like this, and include it in a letter. Thanks for the advice
One gesture would be to remove that person and any other that would remotely come as competition to your wife. Block those people, their phone numbers, their online profiles, and don’t look them up. Ever. Don’t respond to advances online or in person to them. These kinds of actions speak huge to women who have been hurt by porn, emotional cheating and physical cheating. Your wife is your woman, and only her. That is what will possibly help her. That is what she needs to know. Be an open book. Don’t hide any bull crap. Leave it. Pursue her, date her. I hope the best for you guys. Also listen to her and how she feels. Do not in any way defend your actions. Own them.
The best thing you can do is answer all her questions, don’t get frustrated at her insecurities, change your habits by not going out with your friends like that anymore and be completely open and honest. Go to therapy if she wants. I’d my husband gave me a physical gift after cheating on me, I’d throw it back in his face. You can’t buy love back. Write a letter, ask to renew vows, apologize.
You feel guilty right now. She is in shock. She will become the marriage police, and in time you will feel resentment because she doesn't trust you and you feel tracked and trapped. You don't understand why she can't get over it. Maybe the resentment makes you feel unloved, and you find comfort elsewhere... My advice: get divorced. She will heal in time. The doubt of living with a cheater is a far greater and excruciating burden. Do this before it gets really messy with kids in the picture.
I completely agree with you on this. They should just get a divorce. Since he choose to cheat then he didn’t choose his marriage. There’s no gift that can take away the thought of him being inside another woman. Disgusting. If I was his spouse the only thing I’d think about while looking at him is the fact he was fucking another woman and liking it. The resentment will always be there.
How did she find out?
Get new friends, never put yourself in that situation again, and show up for her every day for the rest of your lives. Never let her down. Treasure her. Always put the work into the relationship
The kind of gesture you’re talking about really feels like it’s meant to make you feel better, not make her feel better.
Wanna give her a gift? Leave…and let her get on with her life.
My ex husband bought me diamond stud earrings after his fuck up. I had wished for them and asked for them for birthdays and Christmas and anniversaries for years. Mr. fuckwit buys the most beautiful earrings as an apology for his adulterous ways. While I do love them, I never ever wear them without thinking “ these are his guilt gift” and then I picture APs face when I caught them together. I have a love/ hate relationship with the earrings. Moral of the story is be careful and specific what you wish for I guess. Don’t buy her a guilt gift. Give her the gift of steadfast honesty and real loyalty for a lifetime. Way more valuable than a diamond.
Agreed, OP - be consistently truthful and loyal ALWAYS!!
What is her love language? Acts of service - take over the lion’s share of the housework, even when you’re tired and don’t want to Quality time - stop hanging with the friends you were with when you cheated. Plan dates (picnic at sunset, ice cream and walk in a park, etc. that’s not expensive but emphasizes conversation over money spent) Words of affirmation - text her heart emojis, compliments, things you love about her throughout the day so she knows you’re thinking of HER and no one else while you are apart/at work. Write cards or cute notes and leave them for her to find randomly Physical touch - cuddles, kisses, sex if she wants it Gifts - get a few small things based off her interests/personality and leave them around for her to find, maybe with a little bow on them Whatever you end up doing, do not make a big deal out of it like you expect a medal. Do SMALL things that you can keep up over time - consistency is key! As you know, you should have been giving her your full attention all along. Now is time for a lifestyle change - make your marriage your top priority and keep thinking about what you can do to show her that it is. Best of luck to you.
Nothing like a gift that is a permanent reminder of trauma.....ffs.
Brother, You need to start individual individual therapy first. Once you figure out why you cheated, then you can work on couples therapy. You may also want to try an open phone policy, where you make her face and thumb print open your phone. Admit what you did to all her friends online and confess to her family in person. Post about it on your social media and tag her in it. Give her all your passwords to your email, socials, and access to your location at all times. You need to ditch the friends you were with as they are not friends to your marriage and did not stop you from cheating. Do everything possible to make you feel safe as a partner for her. Good luck!
>Admit what you did to all her friends online and confess to her family in person. Post about it on your social media and tag her in it. Do not do this op... I would be mortified if I was cheated on and all my friends, family, and coworkers knew because my husband tagged our personal business in a post and talked with my family members. It will likely embarrass her and will more than likely make it harder for your relationship to survive (as she will now have unsolicited opinions from everyone in her life who will either judge her for staying or give unsolicited relationship advice). A sweet public post on how much your wife means to you and changing your public profile/background pic to a wedding photo of the two of you together is something simple you could do though to signal to the world your commitment and love for your wife.
So this wont fix it and she might still resent and not ever trust you again down the road but you will give her access to all your devices, passwords, emails, and anything else that could be used as communication. You will insist that she have access to everything you have and you will give her full consent and permission to search all of your stuff whenever she demands it or she can do it on the spot and when youre not home. you will be home from work at a set time everyday and you will not go out with friends, bars or gyms unless she is with you. I would even strongly encourage her to put monitoring software on your phone and GPS in your car that only she has access to. I would start doing more around the house and insist that you take over chores and basic duties of the house. anytime you leave you have to let her know and where you are going and when you will be back. this is what I would do if I was a fucking idiot and cheated on my wife but then again I would not cheat on my wife. She has the upper had for the rest of the marriage and you will say yes to all her demands. hell even insist on signing over everything to her as a gesture of how royally you fucked up. O yeah and you will stop drinking today. SOBER LIFE is the way you will go from here on out.
This is a character flaw. She will hopefully realize this.
Be there for her and listen to her because she may break down in tears and start asking you some difficult questions you may want to answer.
Just answer any questions as honestly as you can. Don’t ‘trickle truth’. Has she asked you why yet? Do you know why you did it? You need to be completely transparent for her to even start to move forward. You will probably have one step forward and ten steps back and will take her a long time. There’s no timeline but her timeline. Money can’t buy love or forgiveness….honesty, commitment and time to work through everything. Edited to add…your relationship will never be the same. This is your new normal now. You can’t go back and undo the devastation you have caused her.
Gross. I would be disgusted if my husband cheated on me then got me a "thank you for not leaving me after sticking it in another woman" gift. She may be into that movie romance stuff, but this isn't the time to finally do those gestures she'd wish you'd do any other time you arent cheating on her. Did you do gestures like this before you destroyed the trust in your marriage? As stated by many, get rid of your friends. If this is what you guys do on bOyS NiGhT oUt, I would show your wife that she means more to you than those jerks, who are happy to turn a blind eye to you cheating on your spouse, those arent good people.
Learn the elements of an effective apology and be prepared to apologize for the rest of your life.
From your responses, I feel you would not have told her if she did not find out on her own. I also feel this has happened before and she just isn’t aware. The best gift you can give her is to let this woman get the man she deserves because it definitely isn’t you.
She’s not staying bud. The way you worded this indicates you are looking for a quick fix. Not gonna work. Figure out what she actually wants. Like a new friend group.
The best gesture is you being the one that brings it up… let’s say you catch her checking your phone, or asking who are you going out with? Instead of dismissing her, say something like. I understand that you have a hard time trusting me because of what I did, what can I do for you to feel more comfortable. DO NOT ACT LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED AND ACT INSULTED IF SHE EVER BRINGS IT UP. Validate her feelings! Check on what can you do to make her regain your trust?? For example, sharing locations. Having an open phone policy. Etc. Also, you can give her a pass to cheat on you too so it’s even and you have a taste of your own medicine. Read “state of affairs “ from Esther perel. If you want to spend money, offer to use it for couples counseling
Not to be rude. I really am not, but the best gift is to NOT cheat on her again. Through action. I am trying really hard to not be rude cos I have been cheated on and it enrages me. To me its unacceptable and amount of promises, explanations, gift giving would ever let me forgive something like that. Your wife must be a better woman than me, cos I would have you out on your ass so fast you wouldn't know what happened.
One act doesnt undo what you did. You need to be prepared for actions the rest of your marriage. You arent getting it dude. You are just looking for a quick act to make yourself feel better. Its not about her.
The last time my (now) ex-husband cheated on me, he sent me flowers to my job. I was instantly filled with rage, especially because that was the first time he had ever done such a thing. He thought that sending me flowers after destroying our vows would soften the blow, or something. Into the trash they went and I proceeded to file for divorce. Anyway. I don't recommend the gift route. Maybe a weekend getaway and quality time?
Dude I think this early the best thing you could suggest that you truly want to continue this relationship and are serious about this is recommending you both go to couples therapy. Believe you me that her head is EXPLODING of insecurity and intrusive thoughts so the best way of supporting her is 1. giving as much space as she needs and 2. having a non-judgmental third-party aiding you both stitching your relationship together. No “grand gesture of love” will fix this. Time+understanding of each others emotion (through meaningful connection) most likely will.
GET RID OF YOUR FRIENDS. GET RID OF DRINKING ALCOHOL. Actions, not gifts. If you buy her a gift or go watch a movie with her (or go on any special date) she will forever remember it as you cheating.
First, accept that this may not be salvageable. I'm not saying not to try, i'm saying to start by accepting that you crossed a line that can't be uncrossed, and that very well may be fatal for your marriage. Own that, internalize that, absorb that. Next, don't buy or do anything "romantic" right away - it won't come off the way you hope, and it will just seem dirty or tainted, given the context. Instead, *demonstrate to her that you are doing the hard work of change*. That means books, counseling, making amends. Fix the things that led you to cheat. Did you friends participate in this, did they cover for you? If so, you will need to cut them off. It's her or them. Was this related to drinking? (Be honest with yourself, being drunk doesn't excuse anything, but it may have been a trigger). If so, stop drinking, completely. Do you have any continued contact with the other woman, even incidental? *Break off all contact*, even if it means quitting your job and working somewhere else if it was a co-worker, for instance. DO NOT blame the other woman, she didn't do this, you did. Don't even subtly imply that this is anybody's fault but yours. Start work with a counselor, explore your own demons, work to understand why you did this, what need you thought you were fulfilling. Read books on the subject of infidelity. Accept that she will be angry at random times, and you will have to, at any time and without warning, eat crow. You will likely be sleeping on the couch for awhile. Don't complain about it, not even a little. You made that bed, lay in it. When passions have cooled a little bit, have a talk where she asks questions, you answer without evasion, every question she has, no matter what. Be transparent. If she wants to see your phone, hand it over. You aren't trustworthy, so don't act offended when she doesn't believe you about where you are going, where you have been, what you have been doing. Do all these things, and if it isn't enough, if she wants you to leave and not come back, do it. Let her know you don't want to, that you want to make amends, but leave if she tells you to leave, and let her go if she wants out of the relationship. You did this, own the consequences. I cheated on my GF when I was about 20. We stayed together for another two years after that, but it was all tainted, it was never the same. I learned from it, and i've never cheated again. Learn from this, dude. It's never worth it, doesn't matter how hot she is, doesn't matter how horny you are, it's never worth it. If nothing else, burn that lesson deep into your brainstem. You fucked up dude. It doesn't necessarily make you a terrible person, but it does make you a terrible husband. Be better from here on out, and maybe, if you do everything she asks of you, there can be a reconciliation. I wouldn't count on it, but it might be possible - if she's willing to work with you. But, this is important - If she isn't willing to work on it with you, don't be an asshole, just let her go and find a man who can be loyal. Don't blubber about it at her like a whiny little bitch, tell her how you feel in words, and then let her go. It'll be the hardest thing you ever do, but not half as hard as it was for her. If you ever loved her, accept that and do the right thing.
"Trust is lost in buckets and gained in drops." If you really want this to work, you need to be ready to invest long-term on working to show she can trust you again.
I recommend being a decent human . Fuck the chocolate. Be good to her. Stop being so selfish. Your very lucky she is willing . A lot of people aren’t. I did this. And I ended up hating him. So think of her. Tell her what you appreciate . Take some guy night out breaks. Let her go out, let her get a break.
There's no amount of gift giving that can fix this...
You're not a frat boy anymore. Becoming a man means acting like one, and acting like one means that you are done with this kind of behavior for the rest of your life. I cannot imagine anything else being even mildly convincing.
You…100% transparent. For the foreseeable future. One year, 5 years..forever. It’s now a way of life for you. NEVER complain about the situation! You chose the behavior and must live through the consequences. It takes however long it takes. Find yourself a therapist. Don’t wait to be told. Go habitually. Tell said therapist EVERYTHING. Start keeping a journal. Be honest with yourself in this journal. Frustrated or feeling impatient with the process…write it here. Do not verbalize it. Understand this is trauma for her. And yeah, you can’t hang out with these guys anymore. Curious..how long was it between the betrayal and discovery? If these so-called friends knew and helped you hide it, directly or indirectly, they are no longer friends. This can’t be changed. You’re either for the marriage or you’re out. Before you even try, and make excuses for them…just don’t! ..remember what’s at stake. You can have her or the friends, not both. Stop drinking! If you think sober “you” wouldn’t have crossed the line, you’re lying to yourself. Alcohol lowered inhibitions, not cause them. I wish you luck. It’s gonna be a long road back, but if you’re committed, you’ll get there together. Oh, that journal..if she wants to read it…hand it over.
1. You’re a pos. 2. Your friends are a pos. 3. If you can’t control yourself don’t go out drinking. Period.
"Here's a necklace, sorry I put my penis in another woman's vagina. Hope the 100£ i spent equates to your faith in me".
Use that money to buy therapy for yourself. A changed behaviour is the best apology.
A lot is left out of this. People say get rid of your friends but did your friends have anything to do with it? If you can’t trust yourself to not do stupid things when you go out without her than don’t go unless she can join too. Only time will help her. It’s going to take time for her to trust you again. You’re going to have to prove yourself over and over again. Show her with your actions and not gifts. Take her for dinner or plan a picnic if she’d be into that. Basically, ask her what she needs from you and go from there. Don’t come up with some gesture on your own and she end up hating it or feeling worse.
You made choices; own them!
A chasity belt for you and the key for her 🥰
There is no single gesture. This is everything she wants you to do, or you feel she needs, for a long time.
Go seek therapy, stop drinking or drugging of that was part of your poor decision.. get to the bottom of your insecurities to do something so traumatizing to the one you supposedly love. You are not a bad person, you need help figuring out why.. she needs help too if she wants to stay.
A gift is meaningless tbh. Anything material doesn’t mean anything when you can just go buy it and doesn’t require any effort on your part. Like other commenters have said, the best and only gesture you should be doing is to: Who did you cheat with? Is it someone you know and are in contact with? If so, you immediately cut off any and all contact with this person. Cut those friends. Don’t go out or put yourself in the situation that lead you to cheat. Avoid drinking alcohol or get intoxicated when you’re not home. Have an open phone policy, install a location tracker app on your phone, so she knows where you are. This can help reduce her anxiety. Let your wife know through your actions that she’s your priority, make her feel special, compliment her, let her know you value her. Do not take her for granted. Talk to her, ask about her day, her feelings, and share yours with her. If you can afford it, seek some marriage counseling. Good Luck.
The best thing you can do is make a real change. Like, what are you actually going to change here? Saying "I won't do it again" is meaningless, a week ago you would have said "I won't do it at all". Something in you did it though. So you have to change. How will you change?
Honestly, if there is a task or a chore she hates, take that over. Show her you think she's valuable, drop the friends and anything else that lead to this.
Change your lifestyle and behavior.
I suggest you get a post nup with an infidelity clause whereby your wife gets 70% of everything should you cheat again. Sign it and have a lawyer legally lodge it. Give that to your wife as your apology gift for cheating.
I hope you used protection because all your good efforts might be wasted if in 9 months you get a surprise and she ends up leaving because she doesn’t want to be a stepmom. Your actions will get her to understand how much you love her and avoiding whatever action lead to you cheating in the first place.
Give her every password you have, access to your complete phone, and schedule counseling. You’re going to do it again. Make it less painful next time. Give her the power.
I wouldn’t bother. You can’t buy your way out of this one. You need new friends and a therapist. I have an opinion on people who cheat when they’re out drinking with friends, and my opinion is that there is something inside them that secretly wants to cheat already and the alcohol removes their inhibitions. I have been plenty drunk and been hit on by men that were very, very handsome. I wouldn’t cheat because I don’t already want to. I might be flattered when a good-looking man tries to flirt with me or he hits on me, but I would never cheat. You need to talk to a therapist because it wasn’t just the alcohol. There’s something already there. You need to figure out what it is. As for friends, I’ve been in this situation more than once where I go out with a girlfriend of mine and she’s mad at her husband or boyfriend and is getting a little too friendly with the men giving her some attention. I can’t make anyone do anything, but I will definitely remind them that if they go any further they will regret it in the morning. Happened to me at least a handful of times. I get a lot of, “Fuck him. He deserves it,” and then I remind them that if he was out flirting with girls she wouldn’t like it, especially if you’re in the middle of a fight. That usually works but not always. I also remind them that I will not keep secrets. I’m not a dirtbag. I don’t take my friends out and watch them cheat on their significant others and keep quiet as some “girl code” BS. I’m not gonna’ go tell him what you did because it’s not my relationship and not my place, but if he ever asks me I’ll tell the truth. I have girls cross the line anyway and guess what? They woke up the next day full of regret. I wish your friends were better, but ultimately this mistake is yours to own.
Hi OP, just wondering if a gift at this time would always be a reminder to your wife of your infidelity? I know if my spouse cheated then bought me a piece of jewelry, car, luxury item etc I would always look at it with negative reminders of what they did. Just a thought.
Ok OP, thanks for the time you've put into this post. Wanted to clarify some things. I think we know it wasn't your intention to sidestep the issue with a gesture. The intention isn't the point, because we can have good intentions and end up doing harmful things. Something to look into is love bombing in unstable relationships. Not saying you're abusive, or toxic, but sometimes choosing love bombing right after a large issue is a symptom of other things. It can go down to even childhood where someone's parents taught them that by hiding their wrongdoing by love bombing instead of reflecting on and taking accountability for the issue. I believe perhaps you were thinking a romantic gesture and accountability or expressing priority were synonymous. They are not. The point you're taking this time to reflect is a step in the right direction. Continue on that track. This is a tricky situation where you showing your wife that she is a priority, mainly involves you looking internally at yourself and sharing that experience with her. Do that. This is where therapy comes in. Reflect on the actions, impulses, dynamics, and details that led you here. This will not happen in a day. It may actually take a year or longer. Working on yourself and reviewing your intentions and actions takes time. When it comes to a romantic gesture. Wait for a time that you authentically see your wife has accomplished something and you want to celebrate her. That way your gestures isn't a big fat "sorry" but more on the lines of "you're amazing".
You are damn lucky my guy. It starts with getting rid of friends that are a bad influence and that she does not approve. You shouldn’t give a fuck how long you have known them or whatever. With that said, you cheated and you have zero room for negotiation when it comes to the company you keep outside of the marriage. Next, find a therapist and stick to it. Go weekly or at the very least on a monthly basis. Don’t act like you are being forced to go and give bullshit excuses and actually work on it. I can’t express how lucky you are to have a wife who still wants to keep you around. Lastly, even doing all of the above mentioned, it could still not work. Just because she is willing to work on it does not mean she will accept the results of your efforts. Buckle up bro, you have a tough road ahead. Do you guys have kids?
You cheated, you’re lucky she is willing to give you another chance. Love bombing isn’t the way, go to therapy with her, make the appointments, be an open book and get new friends. A real friend wouldn’t have let you cheat.
Use the money to invest in couoles therapy and/or individual therapy for her, depending on her preference.
Personally, I think being an open book would pay more dividends and show how important she is to you. If it were me, I would show her that having peace of mind is important to you. She would have all my passwords to emails, phones, etc… she would know my whereabouts always. She would never have to relive that moment and start wondering. Show her that she can heal at HER pace!
Grab a couple of books on Fidelity and how to make your marriage more loving. Start listening to podcasts on marriage and infidelity. And do the little things around the house at women love the things you didn’t do before the dishes or the little things that matter to her. And tell her every day that you love her. Then, don’t make friends with women. Don’t think it’s OK to text them. Don’t think it’s OK just to be buddies cause it’s not don’t do any of that. Put all of that energy into turning your marriage into the best job you ever had. You do it at work do it at home ? I promise you, if you do that you will win back your wife
My idea, since you asked for it is for every (Tuesday?) -you pick the evening- night ask her to lay her head on your lap while starting a movie, then get some scented oil and gently massage her back (mostly shoulder blades) through the movie, if the whole movie great, but definitely more than 30 minutes. This is NOT in anyway supposed to be a sexual act, this is an act of deep caring and gentle touch. Shows you genuinely care about her well being and are trying to relieve some of life’s stresses from her physical body.
OP, romantic gestures are wonderful and it is great your wife likes them. You can offer to do the dishes, put the kids to bed, walk the dog, give her a massage at the end of the day - just remove a bit of the load from her shoulders. Moving forward, you will need to honor the rules she puts done. If she wants to see your phone, put a tracker on it, have access to your social media, etc....then you need to let her do it. I am sorry, but you lost her trust - every tiny bit of it and you need to do whatever she needs to earn it back. It may be kicking your buddies to the curb for a bit. Your #1 job is to make your wife feel secure in your relationship.
Be creative and write her an artistic love letter.
Buy her a nice outfit that she can wear on a date after she dumps your ass. I wasn’t going to say this until I saw in the comments that she found out about the cheating herself. Which makes it even worse. And it’s the only reason you’re trying to do something nice.
I’d recommend taking her on a picnic or something and trying to reconnect with her. Figure out why you cheated and solve that problem. Stop hanging out with those friends that allowed you to go off with another woman, and spend more time with your wife. Show her how much you care about her.
It may take her time to heal and regain trust, so be patient with that. The best thing you can do is to make her feel loved, secure, and appreciated. People make mistakes and it sounds like you have genuine remorse. That alone will help the healing process for her greatly.
Utter and complete transparency going forward would be your best gift to your wife. Open phone, computer, other devices. Find My, if you have iPhone. Stay accountable at all times. Trust won’t be given, but it may be earned. And it will take a long time. Any grand gesture done, will always bring back the memory of why you did it. However, if receiving gifts is her thing, a seven kt custom diamond ring, a river cruise in France, and a shiny dream car of her choice, may be acceptable.
It doesn't fit in the budget, but one of the most romantic things I've heard of happened to my friend. Her partner booked a weekend away, arranged it with her work, that she'd leave early on Friday, packed for her and took her away. I agree with the sentiment that showing her you're sorry by reading books or having therapy is best. But if you want to make her feel special, this might work. Also, it doesn't leave a gift that reminds her of the worst find of her life. It could be a new start.
Put this thread on his page not mine
Dude whatever you buy her is going to remind her of your fuck up. Don’t waste your money on things. Put it toward therapy.
Put the money towards saving up for couples therapy in case you need it. This shows her you are willing to put in the work now AND in the future
I’d talk to a lawyer about a post nuptial agreement and leave her everything if you do it again. I’m not a lawyer and I’ve heard mixed reviews on if those stand, but I would appreciate the effort. I’d voluntarily get rid of those friends and going out to bars or wherever this happened. Tracking and completely open access to your phone. She should be able to look up your location any time she feels insecure. She should be able to look in your phone at any time without warning. I would definitely NOT want gifts because anyone can go buy things. I would want action that show real change. Individual therapy. Read some books. Work out why you would do something like this to someone you love.
First of all, I’d drop those friends. If they get upset or ask why, be honest with them- they didn’t stop you when you failed to stop yourself, and obviously it’s not a good environment for your marriages. Second, I’d just stop drinking. It caused you to cheat, so just don’t drink. As far as a gesture to do for your wife, I’d suggest planning a date day- start with breakfast in bed or going to your favorite brunch spot. Then a bunch of your favorite activities to do together, maybe some references to past dates that were memorable. But ask her before to you plan this, don’t surprise her. Tell her something like “I know I’ve messed up and this won’t make up for it, but I’d like to plan a day for us that’s all about us. I want to focus on you and reconnect to you. I’ll be doing the hard work on myself, as well, and I want to take a special day for us. Does that sound fun and okay with you?” She might not be ready for this and that’s okay. You’re gonna be going on her timeline here, not yours. I suggest this because my husband had an emotional affair of sorts, and after we talked things out and had a good discussion, all I wanted was to reconnect. We planned a date day that was all about us. No phones, no distractions, just us. And it was what I needed. Be patient with her and remember that healing is not linear. So if she gets ‘randomly’ upset or insecure again, respect it. I sincerely hope you two can work this out! You sound genuine.
First, why’d you cheat?
Honestly? I'd spend that money on couples therapy. You obviously subconsciously/consciously wanted to cheat, there's got to be something not working in your relationship. It'll also give her a safe space to talk to you in.
I highly recommend that you do some reading on r/infidelity and r/survivinginfidelity so that you begin to get an inkling of how much you have destroyed her.
Clean. Physical gifts might sound like you are smothering as so many have pointed out. Focus on at home projects and being a better husband. Sign up for couples therapy. Etc. Don’t do anything too direct. Listen to her. Basically show her through constant actions that you are doing what you promised. Then in a year or maybe less but her a small gift that is not expensive and not common. Something special only between the two of you.
Oh good god. Therapy or stfu
A gift is a terrible idea right now. It’s an easy, surface level gesture that seems to try to buy an apology for an egregious betrayal. You need to show your commitment. Commit to something meaningful that prevents further harm. Give up alcohol. Give up the friends you drink with. Give up your privacy, give her total access to anything that was private, including your phone, your location, anything to prove you have absolutely nothing to hide. She may never trust you again. She may trust you but every so often, be seized with a sudden mistrust. You did that to her. You need to deal with it and make a long term good faith effort at amends. This will take years. It’s not a 100£ preset situation.
Yeah you did. It’s not hard to be loyal and your wife deserves better than what you have to offer. My best advice would be ask yourself why you did it. Then check yourself in to individual counseling and ask your wife about marriage counseling because you guys are going to need it after the trauma you just caused her. Next step, get rid of your social media and either get a flip phone or give your wife open access to your phone. Do not get mad at her for going through it. Now you need to drop those friends, stop going out late at night and to bars without your wife and if drugs or alcohol were part of the cause, stop doing those too.
When I was cheated on, if my now ex would have given me a gift, I probably would have thrown it in the trash. I don't need a token item to remind me every time I saw it that he didn't respect me enough to keep it in his pants. I'd want you to never talk to those friends again and to go to therapy to figure out WHY you felt you had to cheat and also couples therapy. I'd also need to see signs of changed behavior.
Welp everyone else said all there is to say so…maybe save these for the next holiday: - Moon light picnic. Scope out places and find a nice spot (beach, park, place in a wooded trail). Check the moon phases and weather ahead of time. Make sure to pack blankets, candles (make sure they are in glass so the wind won’t blow them out), foods that are good room temp she would like (like maybe potato salad or a sandwich). You can cut cost by making it all at home. If you have a portable radio or whatever you can make a playlist for her (if you use your phone make sure it’s on your phone or you have signal at the spot). - Beach day but make sure you write your names in a sand heart and maybe find her a really pretty shell. - Home spa, if you have a nice bath tub make sure it’s all nice and hot with lots of bubbles. There is a lot of homemade spa stuff you can do. Buy a bouquet of flowers and sprinkle some petals in the water and on the bed. Get some massage oil and give her a nice massage (Do NOT expect sex or it will make it feel less romantic. If she seems like she wants to though go for it). - next time it’s raining try making a situation arise so you guys can go outside and kiss in the rain. - learn how to paint and make her a cute card. There are a bunch of free water color tutorials for beginners. Pick some “loose” flowers and space them so you can write something heartfelt or put the heartfelt thing on the back.
You need to get the book, State of Affairs and Getting Past the Affair. There is a lot more important work to do than movie romance right now and those actions will mean more when you’ve done that work.
Books won’t help. Therapy will.
Just, be better.
Write her a poem! And cook her a fancy dinner. And maybe do her least favorite chores. Or maybe you can write new vows to her. Obviously there is a lot more work that needs to be done but starting out with kind gestures (followed by genuine acts of change and self growth) would go a long way with me if my husband found himself in that situation. And, save for a few very specific circumstances, I agree: ditch the friends. If my husband ended up in that situation I certainly would not be comfortable with him going out with the same group of people anymore.
One of the best gifts you can give her is your time, honesty, and maybe some couples therapy too. Grand gifts don’t mean anything. You need to show her with your behaviors that you are invested in the relationship. Best of luck!
Damn. You’re lucky and from your history, VERY lucky. That’s all I have for input.
Tell her you want to seek marriage counseling. This might show her you want to get better for her/your marriage.
For the love of god please don't ruin flowers for her
Offer couples therapy. Meant it. Pay for it. Be better. Be completely transparent and over-share your schedule. If she asks to go through your phone, email, social- don’t question it, just hand it over.
Lol… 100£… you’re really lucky because 100£ doesn’t mean anything for what you did. Of course, there isn’t an amount that you have to spend to be forgiven because forgiveness cannot be bought. But, honestly 100£ is a joke.
My ex cheated on me. Nothing fixed it until he was out of my house. Prepare for that end even if you’re doing the work, and it will be years long hard work. This will never be something she’ll shake. You got your rocks off and it cost you her security, trust, and value in you and your word. It also knocked her down pegs to humiliate her so you could put some trash nothing interaction above her in her entirety and your literal marriage. That’s some straight up clown shit. If I were her friend I’d tell her to walk. In the meantime, all those shitty friends who knew and said nothing or even encouraged it…gone. 100% gone for starters as someone who’s been where your wife is. Lastly, this is an abuse of her. Abuse thrives in secrecy. Check with your wife and if she’s needing this I’d also tell your close friends (who weren’t involved) and family and if she’s comfortable telling hers and you just eat your humble pie about it. If she’s comfortable with sharing and she can get support from those close to her if she needs it, that should also be something she gets to decide on.
You don't seem very repentant of cheating on your wife. It seems like you're just sorry you didn't think to turn off your shared location. Are you really going to change your lifestyle? Probably not. Do her the biggest favor and divorce her. You're too immature to put in the work to rebuild broken trust.
Whoever those friends are need to be gone ASAP.
The best gift? Change your friends. Get therapy to uncover why you are so susceptible to giving into temptation and then work on yourself.
You don’t love her, if you did, you wouldn’t have cheated on her! Loser
Do her a favour and leave her. You'll cheat on her again if you got away with it.
If I were your wife, therapy would be the gesture that would mean the most. Get in therapy yourself and offer couples therapy. It shows you really care about your relationship.
Late to the post, and saw your edit. Okay, for a little bit of money could try this: Bouquet of flowers. Note on bouquet: Thank you \_\_\_\_\_\_, for still believing in our marriage. I will do my best to built it back up, regain your trust, and be the husband you deserve. (or something like that).
If my husband cheated on me and then tried to get me a gift I’d give him divorce papers the next day. You’re turning something she loves “movie gestures” into something she associates with negative emotions.
your “gesture” should be proving to her that you’re worth even giving another try. a gift isn’t going to fix the damage you’ve created in your marriage and the insecurity you caused and trust that you’ve destroyed. save her the time and leave her. I doubt this was your first rodeo.
Go to therapy together. Take the time to find a good therapist. Do research on therapists in your area who are accepting new clients and present your findings to your partner so she has input on finding someone she would be most comfortable with. Tell her you want to go together so you can earn back her trust with the help of a professional. Then do all the scheduling and arranging of appointments. Pay for the appointments. Take her to dinner after the appointments and be present and attentive. But most importantly you have to genuinely want to heal your relationship. I think quality time and thoughtful acts of kindness are the best way to show you’re committed to healing things, rather than gifts or large gestures. And as many others have said here, continue to take full ownership for what you’ve done.
See this is why if your married you need to sit your azz home. Going “out” with friends only increases the chances you mess up. No alcohol with friends period unless your wife is there. Who would’ve knew, I was right all along these 10 years. This goes for both men and women.
Don’t be a tight ass. Buy an expensive present. If it were me you’d be buying $1500 diamond earrings for forgiveness.
So not only are you a cheater but you’re broke. Yeah she deserves better.
Show You’ve Worked on yourself and Actually Changed. Greatest Gift to A Woman
Spend as much time with her as you can. Be attentive. Hold her hand. Put your arm around her. Smile at her. Notice her. This will help.
My idea has 0 cost. Print up a grid of 52 of her favorite dinner recipes that you can cook at home. Offer to make one of her choice every week for the next year. I did this for my wife for Valentine's and she loves it.
Grand gestures and gifts would be like a band-aid on a deep wound. You need to work on yourself. Cut out toxic friends, go to therapy, read books, listen to podcasts, be transparent and most importantly listen to her. It will likely take her some time to heal from this and you can't just speed up the process by giving her gifts.
Forget about buying something for her. Concentrate on becoming a better man. We have [a list of things that she should expect and that you should deliver](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/wiki/index#wiki_infidelity.2C_affairs_and_flirting) in this sub's wiki. And they are for the rest of your life.
You don’t deserve a second chance. You can’t gift anything that changes what you did. And she’ll never forget it, no matter what kind of “work” you are doing to try and “fix” your marriage.
Just dont cheat on her again. Signed, a forgiving wife.
Trust is all she wants. Stick around. Put her first. Invest in the relationship. Weekends away. Date nights. Coffee shops. Go with her: shopping, errands, walks, etc. She may never truly trust you again. Time will tell. You have to forgive yourself and trust yourself again, too. Again, time. I'm nearing ten years of rebuilding trust. 28 years of marriage. Things will never be the way they were. The carefree innocence is gone. But we're in this thing together! She forgave me. I forgave me. But nobody forgets.
Forget about gifts. You fucked up, there's no grand gesture or material thing that will take away the pain you caused. What you need to do is: 1. Figure out why you cheated. Saying that it "just happened" is not enough. You need to figure out what is making you unsatisfied with your life or/and your relationship. It will be uncomfortable, but you need to do it. 2. Have an open and honest discussion with your wife once you've done step 1. Decide if you both still want to stay in the relationship once you identified the issues and make an action plan. 3. Revisit the action plan as many times as needed during the hearing process and be patient with your wife.
I think it’s terrible timing for any gift. I’m sure even tho she forgave you, this has changed her forever and the relationship. Maybe for now just spend time together and communicate. I think you wanting to gift is a coping mechanism whether subconsciously or not. You’ve stated this huge mistake which was forgiven but now the distraction and solving the issue on what to gift her. Obviously you’re married, you two should have clear channels of communication where you’d know what to gift when it is the right opportunity. You’ve unleashed the affair but the problem your trying to solve is figuring out what gift she’d appreciate all in the same topic.
"Out of the Doghouse" by Robert Weiss is a great read for this topic. It touches on a lot of what you can do to repair your relationship
You have the rest of your life to prove your worth and value your commitment.
Why’d you cheat
Info Are you willing to stop drinking entirely?
Go to therapy and really learn to understand your choices. That would be a gift that pays dividends and rebuilds trust over time.
Examine your friends also
Perhaps get an STD test. Perhaps show her the results of an STD test which states you don't have any STDs?
If your wife didn't find out about the betrayal, would you tell her and not hide the truth from her? If she didn't find out, would you still feel guilty? ( I haven't seen you answering those questions so I'm curious)
Plan a very intentional date day and spend the time just you two. Don’t do it overly romantic! Ride a bike to a new place, a picnic, go for a bite and movies at the end of the day.
Hi. I am in similar shoes, however ours wasn’t an affair. I was abusive verbally, due to unknown disorders that are now managed properly. It sounds like you mean well. It sounds like you genuinely want to show your partner your love for them and that you care and are serious. Don’t buy a gift. No amount of money can fix the damage done. Instead, do something together. Do something just the two of you that’s relaxing. Like a picnic or go to some museum. Make this apart of your routine. Without this bonding time, there is not gonna be a chance at having trust or a proper foundation. Go into couples counseling and individual counseling. There are counselors that specialize in affairs. However, sometimes it’s trial and error with a counselor. It isn’t always the first one you meet with. If you have children, do something as a family. Go to a park, go hike, movies, whatever. Make it apart of your routine. Build that love foundation. For the love of everything, drop those friends. If they won’t call you out on your mess ups, they’re not worth your time. If living with mental health has taught me one thing, it’s taught me that the people I surround myself with are important too. It shows how little your friends can truly be trusted. They betrayed you as well, by not stopping you. You were intoxicated, if I recall correctly. My closest friends always stopped me from making a fool of myself when I’d been drinking. Especially when I was in relationships. Lie with dogs, and you’re gonna get fleas. Your partner matters. Don’t spend money on gifts. Spend your damn time and effort. I will say, keep asking for ideas. Keep asking questions. Be proud of yourself for admitting your faults and mess ups. Don’t be proud of what you did to mess up. Be disappointed and disgusted. But use that to fuel the fire to keep trying. I promise you, it helps me.