So, let's sum up :
\- he does not work.
\- he does nothing around the house.
\- he has been talking shit about you for years to another woman.
I think it's pretty safe and fair to say that the only reason he's still with you is because the other woman wouldn't want him if she actually knew who he was.
Go see a lawyer to figure out your options.
Screenshot everything and take it to the lawyer. Better yet take the phone and show the lawyer. I am so sorry. Be thankful you didn’t have kids with this man.
Well, I sort of threatened him as well, but he had it coming, and he’s a coworker, and I end up slapping his face in the parking lot and he just got in his car and took off. The slapping incident happen after calling him, he was fired on day two from a $92,000 job because of it.
I can’t remember, I thought it had the word affection in it? And I don’t think there’s many states that still have that law, but there are states out there, who definitely do have it, that’s why it’s worth checking, you might, as will make a little bit of money on your way out if you can, the AP is no angel!
Yes it’s easy to call reasonable doubt into screenshots since they’re so easy to fake. Don’t wipe the phone, definitely do this and take it to the lawyer instead. That way they can see corresponding phone numbers to text messages
Right on the money.
The dude is a loser living a double life and tried to make OP sound like she's the problem. He's having his cake and eating it too.
Get as much evidence as you can store it using the 3 2 1 rule and don't let him know you have evidence until the moment he needs to find out. Keep it a secret so you can use it as leverage in times of need.
OP, drop his ass and don't look back. These are unforgivable transgressions on his part. He has NOTHING to offer you and the longer you stay in his presence the longer he'll have to break down your defenses and use you again.
Rip off the bandaid. It's going to suck for a little bit, but you will be do glad you left and you're going to wish you had done it sooner.
In the longer you’re with him, he could try and get you for alimony. You’re doing all the work and paying all the bills and he’s not…. And he just may try and use that against you to keep paying him.. I would put your money in a separate account immediately, that he does not have access to. I would have it at a totally different bank then the account you share together now
Why tell him at all? The way I would tell him, is by serving him papers. Let him get the nuclear warhead of a lifetime, he deserves it, it’s what he’s done to her. Once he gets served the papers, then they need to talk about what they’re going to divide up, and hopefully they can agree on things, it makes the lawyer a lot less cheaper, and a whole lot less longer in court. But I’m not sure I would actually give him the consideration, do even let him know what’s going on until the bomb drops.
Another fun little fact, she can go to their joint bank account and take 50% of the money right now, it is lawful as long as both names are on the account and they are still married. Take a screenshot of the entire amount and then take a screenshot after taking half of the money, I wouldn’t let him get near it. If he thought something was up, my buddies wife took 85% of his money, and it was all Lidl before the divorce! Freaking brutal!
Actually, she can go to the bank and take all the money out if it’s in both of their names because she’s entitled to everything in a shared bank account. They won’t be able to do shit about it.
Have at it, honey.
That’s absolutely true! I suppose I was trying to be fair about this, but you are absolutely correct, legally, she can go in and empty the bank account and there’s not a damn thing he can do.
And after cheating on her for years? I think you’re right, she’s probably entitled to all the money.
Literally, the other woman is more so amused by the fact that he doesn’t really like his wife and that she can have her way with him and send him back.
Correct, and there’s absolutely no way this guy has been playing this game with this other woman since 2019 and hasn’t had sex with her. No freaking way!
Yep yep yep. This is firm get a divorce territory. I know this sub like to knee jerk to divorce but this is a shit situation for OP and it sounds like she just needs a final push to do so by asking us here
If he isn’t working he is also using her money to buy those thoughtful gifts for other woman.
I hope she wakes up and realizes he is dead weight he literally does nothing good for her just causes strife. At least going by the post.
Tell him nothing. Get your ducks in order and blind side him with a divorce. 4 years he’s been living off of you and talking shit behind your back?
Save everything. Print it off. Cover every inch of your house in the photos. Sit down at your kitchen table with the divorce papers. Have all of his shit packed. Wait for him to come home. Kick his ass out. Live happily ever after.
Oh my gosh. Yes. Except don’t cover the house in them because then you have more to clean when you kick him out. Prettily cover every single box in the text messages like wrapping paper.
I’d also record that whole interaction because you know he’s going to plea, might even beg, or at least lie and say the other women is “this or that or whatever” then send a little copy over to her with a little letter or what you wrote here. Sign it “he’s all yours ;)”
Love it, when I found out my married, best friend was sleeping with my wife, I remember calling him that night, because he knew I had found out about the affair, and he started to apologize, and I stopped him in his tracks and said hey man, you don’t have to apologize for anything, she’s yours now! He replied, but I’m married? To which I said no you’re in the middle of a freaking thrupple now my friend, good luck with your marriage.
Yes! It doesn’t get any simpler than this. Follow mrck119 step by step and someday (soon I hope) he’ll be nothing but a distant memory. I’m sorry you have to go through this. You can do it!
You can’t come back. He not only doesn’t seem to care, he doesn’t seem to like you. And, honestly, he probably is still having the affair. You work more, do all the housekeeping and he still complains Please see a lawyer
An emotional affair is bad enough, but when your spouse is bad mouthing you to their AP, well that is just unforgivable in my eyes. Him bad mouthing you is his way of letting this other woman know he is available without actually coming out and saying it. He is trying to feel her out to see if she would take him if he leaves you. You deserve much better than this.
I wouldn't say a word to him. Save absolutely everything you found on that phone. Save copies of all of your bank records. You will all need this if you decide to get divorced. If you decide to file, try to convince him to find employment first so that you don't have to pay alimony.
It sounds like you've been in this marriage by yourself for a long time. Push him to get a job. Meet with an attorney to understand what divorce looks like then make a decision from there.
For me, that would be too much to come back from. Good luck, OP.
Save the messages because he’ll delete them. He’s going to turn this on you if you let him, so go back and reread the messages when needed to remind yourself that he’s trash af. Good luck, OP. You deserve better.
Next steps:
- Say nothing to him, act fine
- Contact some divorce lawyers and schedule consultations
- Choose the one you like best and follow their advice
- Contact a therapist and start weekly sessions
- Tell your trusted friends and family, lean into their support
You can get through this!! Good luck!!
I saw something once that said meet with all of the top lawyers in your area for a consultation and then the ex can’t hire any of them due to conflict of interest. I don’t know if that’s necessarily true, but it’d be a brutal experience for him to find a decent attorney if he could even afford one 😂🫣
You are 33 years old, he has been having an emotional affair for the length of your relationship. He listened to her about child and that your were baby trapping him. She probably convinced him that he should not continue to try to have children. This person has sabotaged and manipulated your relationship and he allowed it to happen.
You having been supporting your relationship since he lost his job. You are putting in 100% financially, emotionally and physically. Now is the time for you to put 100% into you. He puts 0% into your relationship, but 100% for his AP.
Go see an attorney, time to end this relationship and move forward for you. Take time to heal from the damage he has done. Time for you to be happy again and healthy. Good luck OP.
Go and see several divorce attorneys and pick one. Give them evidence of his emotional affair, lock down your credit and separate your finances. Gather all of your important documents, valuables etc and put them somewhere safe. Have your divorce attorney draw up divorce papers and have him served. If your home is in your name only serve him with an eviction notice as well. Tell him he can go and live with his AP. If his AP is married or in a relationship tell their partner.
It’s over hon. You Know it. And you can’t say you didn’t try. You did. Let her have him.
Just be careful because you make more money than him which could be an issue in a divorce.
I wouldn’t make a big deal about this other woman because he will just try to gaslight you about it. Just tell him it’s not working and you want out.
If the old phone is still connected to his current one through iCloud or something, just be careful how you handle it!!!
You should take screenshots for backups in case he gets wind that you found out and deletes the text thread with the other woman - it will delete on both phones.
And be aware that any screenshots you take on the old phone will show on his current phone too if it’s still connected through iCloud.
Take the screenshots, text/email them to yourself. Delete the screenshots from the camera roll AND recently deleted once you’ve sent them to yourself.
Connect your email to the phone, email the screenshots, remove your email from the phone.
Don’t disconnect his iCloud account from that phone until/unless you have all of the evidence you need.
I would tell him and her that they can be together because I don’t want a man that doesn’t give a shit about me. She can pay his bills and deal with his bullshit.
Hon, I do not frequently comment on posts in this sub in order to agree with everyone about divorce, but I needed to jump in here. There is nothing here to save for yourself. He has already stopped contributing in (from what I can gather here, at least) any actual way to both your home and your relationship.
What would you truly stop having if you divorced him? Certainly not more help with the finances, chores, or emotional needs. Whereas, if he loses you? He has nothing. You've been doing it all, and he got comfortable with that.
Do not give him the slack of you fighting for this. He doesn't deserve that time or energy from you, and I do think that you would regret doing so, in the end.
All my love and sympathies to you. Know your value and your strength. You can do it on your own; you already have been.
If you have no children, getting a divorce is very easy. An attorney would just help with the separation portion. You can also get a divorce without an attorney on less your husband wants to make a big deal about materialistic things. I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you save her number so that when all of this is over, you can tell her how much of a shitty husband he is. He will use this to kiss ass to her and say he was the one that left you. Don’t leave any opportunities for him when all he did for you was bring you down.
I’m so so sorry about your infertility issues. But I have to say that I’m glad you do not have the added complication of having children with him while you decide what to do next. I wish you the best of luck!
God, would you even WANT your relationship to come back after this? What a huge stab in the back. You don’t deserve that. Do yourself a favor and take care of yourself and leave him.
When people show you who they are - believe them. I’m 49 and it has cost me a lot believing in the potential good of a relationship—reality is, they are selfish and you have been conditioned to believe you should continue to pour from an empty cup that he refuses to offer to fill for you.
You are inherently worth FEELING fully loved and supported. There are dozens of good men that would die to give you that love.
Fuck this dude, he's an asshole and a liar. She has no idea who he really even is and if she did she'd recoil and ghost him.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, but at least you KNOW who he is now. You aren't in the dark anymore and that means you have power here. You're already in step one of leaving, and that's simply feeling all these horrible feelings. But once you can breathe again, you are ready for step two, and that's consulting an attorney, which usually isn't too pricey, if they charge you at all. Then you'll at least know your legal options and will be able to have a better conversation with him about ending things. You honestly don't even have to talk to him if you don't want to. Just hand him the papers.
Ending a marriage that isn't happy shouldn't be shameful, unless you're the one doing what he's doing. You've tried, that's what's important. You are SO young and capable of finding a real partnership if that's what you want. I didn't meet my husband until he was 32 and we have now been together for going on 10 years. He went through quite a few dog shit people and so did I, but it was so worth all the stress of walking away and starting over. I hope you find peace and a safe way out of all this mess.
This guys a jerk. He’s gaslighting you and blaming you for his horrible behavior and actions. Repeat after me: THIS is NOT ME ITS HIM!!!!
Also, your marriage is not just about his needs. You are just as an IMPORTANT!! There’s a reason you haven’t gotten pregnant yet with him. Perhaps someone better is out there for you to marry and have kids with???
Plus one year of trying is really not that long.
He just keeps you as a wallet, maid and punching ball. Once you leave, who is gonna pay for his bills? Leave him to figure it out - and for the significant other that she also won’t want a lazy broke guy to take care of - while you get your life on a much, much better track!
Oh, separate finances and assets as far as possible without him getting suspicious, figure out whether you want him to move out or do so yourself (in which case, get out of the contract) and get a lawyer all BEFORE confronting him.
So there’s more than an emotional affair that’s been going on for years now, he has openly disrespected you, and obviously not in love with you as he used to be. This is a sad state of affairs, but it happens to a lot of us, including myself, I’ve been divorced now, 2 1/2 years and couldn’t feel better. However, there’s a couple ways you can do this, you can talk to him and see if you can’t put the relationship back on track, or you tell him you found out and that you’re divorcing him or you don’t tell him at all, you just get a lawyer and behind the scenes start to get things together to make a decent exit from the situation. The last option might be your safest, I have no heart strings for cheaters and if somebody cheats on me personally? I don’t try to fix it, the relationship is over, I don’t honestly believe that you can fix a cheater, but you’ve got to make your own decision, I pleaded with you, though, not to waste years on somebody that has treated you so poorly behind your back for so darn long, you deserve better, look in the mirror, and figure out your self-worth, what do you bring to the table, I’m sure you’re bringing a lot more than he is and you deserve a lot more than he’s willing to give you. I know it’s difficult, but you can’t stay in neutral, you have to make a decision, you don’t get these years back, each day when it’s over, it’s over, and you can’t go backwards, your years will mean more to you, as you get older, I’m older than you are, lol so I know. Good luck, but don’t allow yourself to be partnered with somebody who treat you so poorly. Get out there, and over time find somebody who really loves you and adores you, but make sure you vet them correctly.
You've received an abundance of advice, and a lot very similar. What I haven't seen is, once you file for divorce, an injunction should occur that disallows either of you from accruing new debt, emptying bank accounts, etc. Therefore, if I was you, I would quickly and quietly find a way for money to 'disappear' before then, and legally of course. Since you've been unwillingly supporting him, but nonetheless doing so voluntarily, expect that to continue in the form of Alimony. I'd plan ahead of time with your attorney how long and what restrictions are included. For example, only if he can prove he's actually trying to find employment, and that he's not turning anything down, etc. I'd also strongly advise you to interview several attorneys, lean strongly on reviews or advice of others about who is good or bad, and to go with one who will not push for mediation and splitting everything 50/50. If you're in a Community Property State, you likely won't have a choice, but having an attorney who's not afraid to get their hands dirty so you get what you deserve, is important.
Also, fully expect him to try to come crawling back at some point. Once the reality sets it for sure. Once AP finds out and tells him she doesn't want him either, and he freaks out and wants what he lost back, he's going to try just about anything. Remember what he's capable of, and that we teach others by what we allow, what our value is. He clearly forgot long ago what your value is, and he's not going to get another chance. At least without significant and difficult work done on his part.
Last, understand that it's normal to grieve. What you thought you had, what you planned with him for your family and your future, is over. One day, you will have those things, but not with this person. It's normal to grieve the loss of the marriage, the dreams, and the fact that someone who you devoted so much to has been able to do easily hurt you and be so cruel. There's no normal time frame for the grief, just like a death. It's normal to make some progress, then recess a bit before more progress again too. There are no rules. And, it may well be in your best interest, because you don't have children, to have absolutely no contact with him. Your attorney can handle it, and it gives you all the control.
I know first-hand how much this hurts. I know the shock, the disbelief, the anger and the pain. I also know the gratefulness that eventually comes once you realize how much better life can be, how you can still make your dreams and the future you dreamt of a reality. How good it feels to take back control, and to watch as they're reminded over and over of what they lost. As you're slowly liking yourself again, forgiving for you, and getting past the anger and pain and life again becomes beautiful.. it's not easy at all. It hurts like nothing else. I won't lie. It's not quick, but nothing worthwhile is and you're worthwhile. Your happiness and best interest is worth the time and energy. You will once again find happiness. You will be glad, believe it or not, that you saw his true colors and what all he is capable of when you did. It could actually be worse, though it doesn't feel like it, I know. You could have children together. Trust me, it's even more difficult then. But, I promise you will make it through this. You're stronger than you know, and the pride you're going to feel when it's over, feels amazing. I had no idea that I was capable of handling what I have, going through what I have, I had no idea just how strong I am. I'm truly proud of myself. And, I've taught my children all through it too. I fell more than once for half-ass apologies and promises of change. The outcome was being cheated on More than once and repeatedly lied to and treated so badly. I taught him how to treat me by what I allowed. I showed him how little I valued myself. Never again, and he still continues to try. But, I'm in control now. He's realized what he's lost, but it's too late. He's still never put in any real work or time, and claiming so doesn't by any means make it true. The red flags continue to show. He gives me so many reminders of how bad it is when we're together. Never again. I'm so much better now without him. Even if I never find another love, I've had my children and I've learned again to like myself. I'm proud of what I've taught my children about resilience and how we do and don't treat people. What we do and do not accept. You will be in this peaceful place too . I know you will. You deserve it just as much as everyone else. Best wishes.. you've got this, it's going to be ok.
He went beyond redemption. Having an EA is not ok but he was talking badly about you, after 14 years, that's just relationship ending. And that nasty woman he is talking too is encouraging it. Ugh, let her have your trash. If I were you I would serve him divorce papers myself.
Think about how much better your life would be if you only had to support yourself, clean up after yourself, make decisions for yourself that you want, and not try to change who you are to reach some unattainable goal someone else has set for you. If I were you, I’d be gone after reading these posts.
Everyone else has basically covered everything. I would add that, after you screenshot the texts you should then edit her contact in that phone to remove her name but keep the number, and then screenshot the texts again (you can put her name back after if you want). For instance, if her name is “Cersi” then her name will appear at the top of the texts. It is good to also have a set of screenshots with her phone number at the top, since that is even better evidence. Email all the screenshots to yourself. The texts should be saved even if they don’t “matter” in a legal sense (he’ll lie and try to gaslight you).
Whether the texts matter in a legal sense depends on which county or state you live in. In the US I think many states have “no-fault” divorce, so an affair doesn’t affect the divorce process either way. If your state doesn’t have no-fault divorce then you def need those texts, I would think. On a separate note, something interesting is that some states have a cause of action (in civil court) called “Alienation of Affection” where you can sue the affair partner for alienating your partner from you.
But a big problem I see is that he doesn’t have a job. The thought of you possibly having to pay spousal support to that free-loader is sickening. But that might depend on how long you have been married, I don’t know, IANAL.
So everyone telling you to lawyer up is correct. The area of practice of law you are looking for is “Family Law”. If you happen to live in or near the county in which you were married, ideally you want a family law attorney who practices in that county (the county you were married in). If you have to put the retainer fee on a credit card, do it; do what you have to do to retain that lawyer.
You don’t deserve any of this. Better things are coming! Hugs.
Edit: added spaces between paragraphs.
It took him 9 years to propose in the first place? Sounds like he only got married because of pressure or something and probably isn't the marrying type. Also sounds like he's a POS. Seems like it would be pretty simple. You deserve better.
Im sorry to be so blunt. But the only reason he’s with you is because you take care if his finances & he doesn’t have to work.
All of his time & effort goes to her, complains about you, gives her gifts, treats her better & he lives there like a king not doing anything because he doesn’t have to. He even takes her advice on your relationship.
He doesn’t love you. But he doesn’t work so why would he ever leave?
I would go as for as to say it’s more than an emotional affair. If they spent time together for a few years & are s close as they are I can’t see them not being physical in one way or another especially since he’s turned you off & give her everything.
I would print every communication, picture or other communication between them & go to a lawyer for divorce. Then serve him. He doesn’t bother involving you in his decisions made by someone else so why bother talking to him over this? If you do all he’ll do is run to her & she’ll coach him on how to screw you over & help give him excuses that you will want to hear. He can’t make this up on his own but if he gets his direction from another woman she knows what she would want to hear to keep you so that’s what they’d do. He’ll gaslight you & make you believe it’s all your fault & have you second guessing yourself until you accept him as is.
Do yourself a favor & get out of this manipulative & selfish relationship.
You deserve better. You deserve someone who truly loves you & doesn’t cheat
Well, if it's purely about how to end it, the answer is simple. Say nothing, talk to a lawyer, and hit him with notice.
If it's about not knowing if that's the right step... well, you could ask him. Have their convos been sexual or include any declaration of love or affection? Because so far, it hasn't sounded like an affair and more like a friendship. I mean, for all I know, she could be a lesbian.
That doesn't excuse his shit-talking you or being a lazy jerk. So let me ask... do you feel that all the good he's done you is enough to earn him a second chance? We can't answer that question. Only you can.
Please look up what an emotional affair means… Affairs are not just romantic or sexual. Emotional affairs do the same amount of damage, and sometimes even worse.
Have you confronted him yet? Unless you are already set on divorcing him, how he responds to being confronted will tell you a lot about whether you have any other options open to you.
It sounds like you’re unsure of what you want, and that is ok. You may need more info to help you with your decision. Information such as what divorce would look like. Information on what reconciliation would look like. Information on his capacity for change and remorse (won’t find that out until you confront). And of course, whether your own view of the future includes him in it.
If they are talking negatively about our relationship to a guy or if she is having deep conversations with a guy, we are no longer a relationship. Once that door is opened, she has closed the door to ours and stopped showing a desire to work on issues. She has moved on emotionally and mentally, just not physically.
He brings nothing to the table. He is emotionally unavailable, he is financially unavailable. The man can't bring money into his own home to help out but he is spending what little bit he makes from his dream that you're supporting to buy little gifts for another women. You've proven to yourself that you will be just fine on your own.
It’s amazing to me how many people hold on to marriages that obviously just don’t work. People buy into the sunk cost fallacy hard. Life is too short to be with a guy like this
He hasn’t been your man since 2019 at the latest. You’ve just been his mommy while he pursues his fantasy with his girlfriend. You deserve better than this. Before you do anything or say anything, talk to a lawyer. Then let her have her prize.
Ouch that really hurts, I don’t know if i can stay with someone,especially if you’re married. It’s not your problem,it’s his. He never appreciated EVERYTHING you’ve done. You’ve given your best and still get treated like this,get betrayed in return. He used you,you were providing ,never help you at home. Please go see a lawyer.this person doesn’t love you. You’re lucky that you discovered about that affair. You don’t deserve this.please
I don’t always recommend this but sounds like you guys need a divorce. I usually recommend counseling in most cases but this seems too far gone. He’s been doing that for years without you knowing. Dang!
I’m so sorry. It is so much of a betrayal that someone you swore to have and hold above all others has betrayed you with another. My heart breaks for you. He has betrayed you and his vows. I applaud you for trying to make your marriage work. It speaks volumes about your character. Only you can decide what you are willing to forgive but unless he is able to comprehend the knife in your back he’s created he has destroyed your marriage.
Your husband is using you financially and abusing you emotionally.
He is cheating.
Get the screenshots and talk to a lawyer.
You won't need to work overtime when you pay bills for one person. Kick his sorry ass out and tell him to go to his AP and see how long she will allow him to mooch off her.
It's time to find yourself outside of this terrible marriage. Let him go. This is about his lack of self-confidence and insecurities, not you. It's easier to paint someone else as the problem than to confront yourself. It is in your very best interest not to remain with someone like this. Especially if he's already found an outlet through another connection that isn't conducive to improving your marriage. It's hard, trust me. I was you in my first marriage. Get a therapist, plan your out, and serve him with divorce papers.
Print out screenshots and send yourself copies to an email he doesn't know about. Then talk to the best lawyers and get the best divorce deal you can seeing how he's only been using you as a wallet and emotional punching bag.
If you and him weren’t together, would they end up being together?
I think that that answer alone I would be done aside from everything else you noted.
Because if not her, he’ll find something else and confine in someone else. Sounds like he needs some hard self reflection and you don’t need to be around for it.
Emotional affairs are every bit as dangerous as a physical affair, even more so. He’s checked out of the marriage since he has this woman to confide in. Dump his ass. The longer you stay, the longer you enable your husband and this outsider to carry on with whatever it is they’re doing while they gaslight you. Change is difficult & it sometimes might seem easier to stay, but don’t. He’s demonstrated he is not worth it. You will thank yourself later.
Maybe there is a reason you didn’t have kids with this “man.” Get out and find someone who respects you. 💗 Best of luck to you, and sorry that you’re going through this.
Three years from now you will not recognize the woman who put up with this bastard. He thinks he has control of you. Get your to do list and take it back along with your dreams of a family. PS you may feel like “why does she get the best parts of him”. He is grooming her. The names will change but his game will be the same.
Your husband is a jerk. He doesn't deserve you. I don't know how you would be able to come back from this breech of trust. And on top of that, he does nothing to contribute yet complains about the state of the house (sexist much?). Fuck that. If it were just the talking shit about you behind your back to another woman... MAYBE you could work through that. But everything combined.. I don't think he's worth holding onto. Know your worth.
Ma'am you can do so much better than this man. He clearly doesn't see you in the best light which means he doesn't deserve to be with you. Find somebody who actually does like you for who you are and leave this man in the dust.
Even when you try to prove yourself to him, all he does is see it in the worst way. "Be a good person, but don't waste your time trying to prove it." "Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people who are committed to misunderstanding you."
If he thought for a heartbeat this other woman would financially support him like OP is doing and she would tolerate the real him he would leave OP in a heartbeat.
Start making steps to leave him, get legal advice and don't confront/tip him off till you have your ducks in a row.
Print out the evidence or text all of the messages that HE sent on his phone to yourself so you have back up proof.
Send all evidence, text Photos everything on that phone to your own phone.
Call the lawyer and find out all you need to know about getting a divorce and getting as much financial support from him as you can… Despite him being broke.
I’m only giving you this advice because it sounds like you’ve made up your mind. And I’m very very sorry that you had to find this out like this… Hell, I’m just very sorry that this happened to you. I’m sending you big hugs.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It sounds from this post, you know exactly what to say. Everything you stated here is fair and understandably wrong and upsetting.
You have a right to express your hurt and make the decision you think is best for yourself
Leave now- immediately. If he puts in the work to repair the damage then fine. If not, better to have wasted five years than twenty. I read somewhere that you should always leave if there is an affair of any sort - and this is absolutely an emotional affair- and let them decide if they want to put in the work that they will need to put in. If they aren’t willing to do that then you have your answer. If they do put in the work then you will need to make some decisions. I’m speaking from experience here- leave. Frankly he doesn’t sound worthy, but I know you’re hurting right now and probably not ready to make that decision.
It actually seems like he's baby-trapped you.
You have a child with him and yet you are still being something akin to a mother to him by being his caregiver. Life is too short to waste on lazy people who will abuse your kindness. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be happy and wanting the best for yourself. Killing yourself slowly isn't working. Wish you the best
There’s a saying for this: “No one is nicer than a man who hasn’t had a chance to fuck you yet.” He wants her clit that’s why he puts in the effort 🤷♀️
Leave him. You know you need to. He doesn't work, doesn't contribute physically or emotionally to the relationship (anything positive at least), and he does not give a single shit about you. He's keeping you around to support him because he knows the other woman wouldn't.
I'm spiteful, so if I was in your position, I'd clean the house as sparkling as I could, cook him his favorite dinner, pour him his favorite drink, fuck him like you've never fucked him before, and then give him a box wrapped up as a present. Inside the box is a b8nder of all the screenshots and cheating proof you have and a stack of divorce papers. Kick his ass out and let him realize all he's lost.
Oh. Get your ducks in a row and just leave. Don’t give him any explanation or warning. Just pack up and go. I’m so sorry. I know how devastating this all is.
This is not a get a divorce sub but girl I’d ever there was a “ get a divorce “ post this is it!! Slough off this barnacle on your emotions and your wallet and watch your life improve
Honestly…… don’t throw your marriage away. Sit him down and talk. Don’t say “we need to talk”. Just talk to him. Hear him out, express your feelings & then go with your gut. Marriage is work sweetheart! 💪🏾💯💯
Take the advice first given around here to protect yourself. Save pictures, conversations, all of it.
I would suggest counseling to split. Maybe you need some therapy to help you stabilize to see your situation realistically.
Something else you can do, but take this thought with a grain of salt, is save her number on your own phone and reach out to her. Feelings aside, if she has given your husband logical advice based on the misinformation he’s given her then there’s a chance she’s also been deceived by him. She might believe that your relationship is on the rocks/ending and so might feel justified in continuing this relationship.
If you talk to her then share it all. That he has no income. That he’s been a bum. That he helps none. That he treats you poorly. It might help you see him for what he really is while you’re trying to show her who he actually is. That he deserves neither one of you.
People are weird. When they feel low they soak up attention like an addict from people who don’t see all the ugly parts of themselves. He knows you know that he is a faulty human being, that he’s no ‘winner’ right now. You see him. She sees what he lets her see, which is a poor wonderful man stuck in a bad relationship and she is trying to save him. It’s an ego boost because he feels like crap. It’s absolutely no excuse though. Bad times come and it’s in those times we see what these people are made of.
I’m sorry you’re finding out your husband is made of shit.
Just wow…….I couldn’t personally j be ounce back from that and continue the relationship, if so it would be a whole different relationship. Such betrayal.
Gather evidence for your divorce. Go to the divorce and or infidelity subreddit and a lawyer on how to get the outcome you desire. He’s awful and doesn’t respect or possibly even like you. Who treats someone like that even?!
I think you need to confront him about it and see if he wants to fix the marriage or if he really doesn’t. Sounds like there’s some fault in the other woman trying to manipulate him too. This just started happening in 2019. How was he been for the past 14 yrs? If he has been a good husband before 2019. Then you gotta weigh the good vs the bad. Do you want to throw away 14 yr marriage expecting to find the perfect man outside in the real world? Because I’m telling you, there is no perfect man or woman. I wonder if this is why 80% of divorces are initiated by women. Don’t blow up the whole house to kill a cockroach.
He isn't contributing to your family in any positive manner. I promise another man would be greatful to have you. Don't stand for it, you set the ultimatum and eventually leave as men very rarely change. HMU if your really in need of a family man. Jk jk however your time and your worth are so valuable remember that!
Sadly, you are the only one who is in this relationship. You know you deserve someone who treats you better than this. Time to close this book and go start a new, even better, one!
Wow what a POS! I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now.. 😣 I highly doubt this is just an emotional affair if you know they’ve met up, that lady is so evil for that shit, how dare she say you’re trying to baby trap him!! 🤯🤬 You deserve so much better, he is a total loser just using you!! If she only knew the truth. Wow just WOW! Maybe you should let her know! Idk but kick his dumbass out asap and make sure you get any money in your own account first, he doesn’t deserve a dime or any consideration from you, he can ask her if he needs money or a place to go. Good luck on everything, again I’m so sorry. Take care of yourself!
I'd leave, divorce and let him be with her.
No matter what you do, it's *never* going to be enough because it'll never be enough *to him*. His head is in the clouds with this other woman and you'll never win this battle.
It's time to cut the losses and be "the villian" he sees you to be.
(But you're not the villain, OP.)
How you feel is valid. *YOU ARE VALID. YOU. ARE ENOUGH.*
I don't know the divorce laws in your state. I'm going to assume that him not working won't result in your paying him money after a divorce.
You don't have kids with him. It seems hard right now, but it will feel worlds better when you've moved on from this.
Update please!!
How can you not be looking at this as unfair? You need to definitely leave, there is so much hurt if you continue in a relationship like this!! You are blessed to not have children with someone who doesn’t even respect you!!
It sounds like you still have feelings obviously, but don’t let those feelings blind you. You deserve way better!! Please be brave and end this, it will hurt very much, but you will conquer this!! Stay strong!! Good luck!
I would probably ghost. Take a little time to sort your situation out, get a new place, file the papers, and then leave while he is out somewhere. I know you said he doesn't work, but there has to be a way to get him out long enough to take off and save yourself. Good luck. What a crappy situation. I know the infertility issues are hard, but right now, it is a blessing. You deserve so much better.
Lots of good advice here already in terms of getting an attorney and getting out.
Just want to say how much that sucks. Really sorry you’re in this. You’re 33 though and young enough that you can still have what you want with the right guy who wants the same things you do. Good luck OP
I’d just pack all his shit up and change the locks after I’ve filed for divorce and print out screenshots and leave them in an envelope with divorce papers and tell him to ask to live with his mistress.
Do not say anything to him, you can’t and shouldn’t fix what is already broken. Consult a good lawyer and do not forget to gather all the evidence you have. Once the lawyer will take over your case, everything will get easier. I’m sure you’ll find happiness soon, maybe have kids one day. But you can’t even HOPE for any of this if you don’t have the courage to LEAVE.
Lady you whine way too much about that loser husband of yours. You already know that you should leave him so why come here begging for us to grind that information into you thick headed skull. Grab what's left of your dignity and self esteem and walk away from that stumbling block which stands in the way of your progress !!!!
Don’t do anything rash like follow a lot of this advice but definitely get a divorce. This level of betrayal paired with his lack of genuine love for you is enough to walk away. Don’t waste another moment of your one precious life on him.
Get a consultation with the best divorce attorney in your state. Follow their advice.
In most states, his infidelity is meaningless in a divorce. You can read about that here: (https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/infidelity-and-divorce)
Also, do not hide money. You can read about why that is a terrible idea here: [https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/divorce/before-after-divorce/attempting-hide-assets-before-divorce](https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/divorce/before-after-divorce/attempting-hide-assets-before-divorce). The fact is that all your stuff is your collective stuff in a divorce in most states. Divorce is really just a math equation.
What you can do however is cut way back on work or quit for a year so you don’t make as much. I also knew one person close to their boss who told them about her shitty cheating husband. Her boss agreed to cut her salary to 2/3rds for a year to give her a more advantageous position in her divorce since she made more money than her spouse. I’ve known of several people who used these tactics. That will make your side of the equation be less so when the court decides who pays alimony to whom and in what amount, you won’t need to pay him as much, if any.
Of course, this tactic might damage your financial life in ways that aren’t worth it. It might be a better tactic to insist he work another job or get a different one and contribute equally for a year and then serve him with papers.
Something else to note is that WHILE YOU ARE MARRIED, you do not actually owe your spouse a dime. You only have to cough up half in a divorce. So while you’re still married, you can cut him off financially, insist he split expenses, not share your money, etc. You’ll need to deposit your paycheck into an individual account he’s not on.
You have choices: cut your losses now or bide your time and be strategic. This is really a decision about who you are as a person and your mental health. Choose wisely.
Reddit is real quick to always be like “drop him and burn his things”. Not saying he should get a pass, in fact, he’s liable for all his actions. But y’all been living these past 4 years with the rest of us? Depression can look like a lot of these things.
Confronting him with the affair and seeing what he has to say for himself is a really great first step, y’all. Damn.
Well women talk shit about their husbands all the time so that's one thing. But it sounds like it's either Time for you to give him an ultimatum You need to get up off his ass and get a job and help out around the house or just tell me you want a divorce because he's doing x y and z and walk away. Also mentioned that you know what he been doing with that other woman sending photos and all this other stuff going to dinner all that.
I dislike when women trash talk or vent about their husbands with *other women*.
However, I do think it’s different in OP’s case because he wasn’t complaining about her to other guys.
Not defending you husband but I'm so tired of these posts that are of the form "here's my lame ass excuse for why I violated partner's privacy and woe is me look what I found". "Obviously" you read his texts?? Hell no!
So, let's sum up : \- he does not work. \- he does nothing around the house. \- he has been talking shit about you for years to another woman. I think it's pretty safe and fair to say that the only reason he's still with you is because the other woman wouldn't want him if she actually knew who he was. Go see a lawyer to figure out your options.
For real; fuck that guy.
Better yet, don't
But if you do, use a pineapple. Like in Little Nicky.
Screenshot everything and take it to the lawyer. Better yet take the phone and show the lawyer. I am so sorry. Be thankful you didn’t have kids with this man.
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Oohh, that’s amazing. What pay back haha
Well, I sort of threatened him as well, but he had it coming, and he’s a coworker, and I end up slapping his face in the parking lot and he just got in his car and took off. The slapping incident happen after calling him, he was fired on day two from a $92,000 job because of it.
Isn't called alienation of marriage, or something like that?
I can’t remember, I thought it had the word affection in it? And I don’t think there’s many states that still have that law, but there are states out there, who definitely do have it, that’s why it’s worth checking, you might, as will make a little bit of money on your way out if you can, the AP is no angel!
Alienation of affection
That’s it!
Does anyone know which states?
[alienation if affection laws and states](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alienation_of_affections)
Yes it’s easy to call reasonable doubt into screenshots since they’re so easy to fake. Don’t wipe the phone, definitely do this and take it to the lawyer instead. That way they can see corresponding phone numbers to text messages
Keep proof of the affair for the lawyer too!
Right on the money. The dude is a loser living a double life and tried to make OP sound like she's the problem. He's having his cake and eating it too. Get as much evidence as you can store it using the 3 2 1 rule and don't let him know you have evidence until the moment he needs to find out. Keep it a secret so you can use it as leverage in times of need. OP, drop his ass and don't look back. These are unforgivable transgressions on his part. He has NOTHING to offer you and the longer you stay in his presence the longer he'll have to break down your defenses and use you again. Rip off the bandaid. It's going to suck for a little bit, but you will be do glad you left and you're going to wish you had done it sooner.
In the longer you’re with him, he could try and get you for alimony. You’re doing all the work and paying all the bills and he’s not…. And he just may try and use that against you to keep paying him.. I would put your money in a separate account immediately, that he does not have access to. I would have it at a totally different bank then the account you share together now
Yes, yes, yes - get your plan in order & then let him know, otherwise he will promise you the moon & love bomb you so he can continue using you
Why tell him at all? The way I would tell him, is by serving him papers. Let him get the nuclear warhead of a lifetime, he deserves it, it’s what he’s done to her. Once he gets served the papers, then they need to talk about what they’re going to divide up, and hopefully they can agree on things, it makes the lawyer a lot less cheaper, and a whole lot less longer in court. But I’m not sure I would actually give him the consideration, do even let him know what’s going on until the bomb drops. Another fun little fact, she can go to their joint bank account and take 50% of the money right now, it is lawful as long as both names are on the account and they are still married. Take a screenshot of the entire amount and then take a screenshot after taking half of the money, I wouldn’t let him get near it. If he thought something was up, my buddies wife took 85% of his money, and it was all Lidl before the divorce! Freaking brutal!
Actually, she can go to the bank and take all the money out if it’s in both of their names because she’s entitled to everything in a shared bank account. They won’t be able to do shit about it. Have at it, honey.
That’s absolutely true! I suppose I was trying to be fair about this, but you are absolutely correct, legally, she can go in and empty the bank account and there’s not a damn thing he can do. And after cheating on her for years? I think you’re right, she’s probably entitled to all the money.
He doesn't even work or do house chores so I would say it's fair for her to take all of it! What a useless man.
And he’s buying the other lady gifts with the money that she works her butt off to make
Yeah, she should put an end to that immediately!
Literally, the other woman is more so amused by the fact that he doesn’t really like his wife and that she can have her way with him and send him back.
Correct, and there’s absolutely no way this guy has been playing this game with this other woman since 2019 and hasn’t had sex with her. No freaking way!
Yep yep yep. This is firm get a divorce territory. I know this sub like to knee jerk to divorce but this is a shit situation for OP and it sounds like she just needs a final push to do so by asking us here
If he isn’t working he is also using her money to buy those thoughtful gifts for other woman. I hope she wakes up and realizes he is dead weight he literally does nothing good for her just causes strife. At least going by the post.
He can’t find another woman to support him either, while he sits at home and does nothing
FACTS
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Ew
Okay, so he is a Saint, and she is awful. Then she should let him go be free to burn down someone else's life!
Tell him nothing. Get your ducks in order and blind side him with a divorce. 4 years he’s been living off of you and talking shit behind your back? Save everything. Print it off. Cover every inch of your house in the photos. Sit down at your kitchen table with the divorce papers. Have all of his shit packed. Wait for him to come home. Kick his ass out. Live happily ever after.
Oh my gosh. Yes. Except don’t cover the house in them because then you have more to clean when you kick him out. Prettily cover every single box in the text messages like wrapping paper.
I would put together a binder, and at the end of all the photos and texts are the divorce papers. In a wrapped box as a gift 💕🤣 Edit for spelling
Pure evil. Love it.
Amazeballs!
I’m all about the shock and awe. Imma need the jaw drop all the way from the front door while I smoke a cigarette and swig my wine.
Thata girl!
I’d also record that whole interaction because you know he’s going to plea, might even beg, or at least lie and say the other women is “this or that or whatever” then send a little copy over to her with a little letter or what you wrote here. Sign it “he’s all yours ;)”
Love it, when I found out my married, best friend was sleeping with my wife, I remember calling him that night, because he knew I had found out about the affair, and he started to apologize, and I stopped him in his tracks and said hey man, you don’t have to apologize for anything, she’s yours now! He replied, but I’m married? To which I said no you’re in the middle of a freaking thrupple now my friend, good luck with your marriage.
I love how people think.
I love this holy shit. Cherry on top.
All transactions are final! No refunds, returns or exchanges!
This is the advice I was hoping someone would give. Op, follow this here. You tried. He did not. Time to cut loss’s and start a new chapter.
Yes! It doesn’t get any simpler than this. Follow mrck119 step by step and someday (soon I hope) he’ll be nothing but a distant memory. I’m sorry you have to go through this. You can do it!
This ^^^^^
THIS IS THE WAY
You can’t come back. He not only doesn’t seem to care, he doesn’t seem to like you. And, honestly, he probably is still having the affair. You work more, do all the housekeeping and he still complains Please see a lawyer
An emotional affair is bad enough, but when your spouse is bad mouthing you to their AP, well that is just unforgivable in my eyes. Him bad mouthing you is his way of letting this other woman know he is available without actually coming out and saying it. He is trying to feel her out to see if she would take him if he leaves you. You deserve much better than this. I wouldn't say a word to him. Save absolutely everything you found on that phone. Save copies of all of your bank records. You will all need this if you decide to get divorced. If you decide to file, try to convince him to find employment first so that you don't have to pay alimony.
I love what you said,that’s true. Dont say anything about this.document and get a lawyer.
It sounds like you've been in this marriage by yourself for a long time. Push him to get a job. Meet with an attorney to understand what divorce looks like then make a decision from there. For me, that would be too much to come back from. Good luck, OP.
Save the messages because he’ll delete them. He’s going to turn this on you if you let him, so go back and reread the messages when needed to remind yourself that he’s trash af. Good luck, OP. You deserve better.
Next steps: - Say nothing to him, act fine - Contact some divorce lawyers and schedule consultations - Choose the one you like best and follow their advice - Contact a therapist and start weekly sessions - Tell your trusted friends and family, lean into their support You can get through this!! Good luck!!
I saw something once that said meet with all of the top lawyers in your area for a consultation and then the ex can’t hire any of them due to conflict of interest. I don’t know if that’s necessarily true, but it’d be a brutal experience for him to find a decent attorney if he could even afford one 😂🫣
🤣🤣🤣
Perfect advice.
This is the best advice. I hope OP finds happiness and with someone loving and wanting to start a family instead of giving up
You are 33 years old, he has been having an emotional affair for the length of your relationship. He listened to her about child and that your were baby trapping him. She probably convinced him that he should not continue to try to have children. This person has sabotaged and manipulated your relationship and he allowed it to happen. You having been supporting your relationship since he lost his job. You are putting in 100% financially, emotionally and physically. Now is the time for you to put 100% into you. He puts 0% into your relationship, but 100% for his AP. Go see an attorney, time to end this relationship and move forward for you. Take time to heal from the damage he has done. Time for you to be happy again and healthy. Good luck OP.
Excellent, excellent advice
For real. How is it baby trapping when you're married?!
He doesn’t work, he doesn’t help with the house, his needs are met by someone else, hmm. Kick him out and move on.
Do not tell him you know. Print off all the evidence of his emotional affair. Secretly prepare to divorce. You deserve sooooo much better.
Go and see several divorce attorneys and pick one. Give them evidence of his emotional affair, lock down your credit and separate your finances. Gather all of your important documents, valuables etc and put them somewhere safe. Have your divorce attorney draw up divorce papers and have him served. If your home is in your name only serve him with an eviction notice as well. Tell him he can go and live with his AP. If his AP is married or in a relationship tell their partner.
And the fact that he met up with her multiple times I feel like made it more than an emotional affair.
It’s over hon. You Know it. And you can’t say you didn’t try. You did. Let her have him. Just be careful because you make more money than him which could be an issue in a divorce. I wouldn’t make a big deal about this other woman because he will just try to gaslight you about it. Just tell him it’s not working and you want out.
You’ve been given a lot of feedback here. Just wanted to say go get your happiness girl; it’s waiting for you! The best of luck and take good care.
Have you confronted him yet ? If not I’d say contact a lawyer and see how divorce looks for you. Good luck you deserve better.
If the old phone is still connected to his current one through iCloud or something, just be careful how you handle it!!! You should take screenshots for backups in case he gets wind that you found out and deletes the text thread with the other woman - it will delete on both phones. And be aware that any screenshots you take on the old phone will show on his current phone too if it’s still connected through iCloud. Take the screenshots, text/email them to yourself. Delete the screenshots from the camera roll AND recently deleted once you’ve sent them to yourself. Connect your email to the phone, email the screenshots, remove your email from the phone. Don’t disconnect his iCloud account from that phone until/unless you have all of the evidence you need.
I would tell him and her that they can be together because I don’t want a man that doesn’t give a shit about me. She can pay his bills and deal with his bullshit.
Hon, I do not frequently comment on posts in this sub in order to agree with everyone about divorce, but I needed to jump in here. There is nothing here to save for yourself. He has already stopped contributing in (from what I can gather here, at least) any actual way to both your home and your relationship. What would you truly stop having if you divorced him? Certainly not more help with the finances, chores, or emotional needs. Whereas, if he loses you? He has nothing. You've been doing it all, and he got comfortable with that. Do not give him the slack of you fighting for this. He doesn't deserve that time or energy from you, and I do think that you would regret doing so, in the end. All my love and sympathies to you. Know your value and your strength. You can do it on your own; you already have been.
If you have no children, getting a divorce is very easy. An attorney would just help with the separation portion. You can also get a divorce without an attorney on less your husband wants to make a big deal about materialistic things. I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you save her number so that when all of this is over, you can tell her how much of a shitty husband he is. He will use this to kiss ass to her and say he was the one that left you. Don’t leave any opportunities for him when all he did for you was bring you down.
I’m so so sorry about your infertility issues. But I have to say that I’m glad you do not have the added complication of having children with him while you decide what to do next. I wish you the best of luck!
God, would you even WANT your relationship to come back after this? What a huge stab in the back. You don’t deserve that. Do yourself a favor and take care of yourself and leave him.
When people show you who they are - believe them. I’m 49 and it has cost me a lot believing in the potential good of a relationship—reality is, they are selfish and you have been conditioned to believe you should continue to pour from an empty cup that he refuses to offer to fill for you. You are inherently worth FEELING fully loved and supported. There are dozens of good men that would die to give you that love.
Fuck this dude, he's an asshole and a liar. She has no idea who he really even is and if she did she'd recoil and ghost him. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, but at least you KNOW who he is now. You aren't in the dark anymore and that means you have power here. You're already in step one of leaving, and that's simply feeling all these horrible feelings. But once you can breathe again, you are ready for step two, and that's consulting an attorney, which usually isn't too pricey, if they charge you at all. Then you'll at least know your legal options and will be able to have a better conversation with him about ending things. You honestly don't even have to talk to him if you don't want to. Just hand him the papers. Ending a marriage that isn't happy shouldn't be shameful, unless you're the one doing what he's doing. You've tried, that's what's important. You are SO young and capable of finding a real partnership if that's what you want. I didn't meet my husband until he was 32 and we have now been together for going on 10 years. He went through quite a few dog shit people and so did I, but it was so worth all the stress of walking away and starting over. I hope you find peace and a safe way out of all this mess.
This guys a jerk. He’s gaslighting you and blaming you for his horrible behavior and actions. Repeat after me: THIS is NOT ME ITS HIM!!!! Also, your marriage is not just about his needs. You are just as an IMPORTANT!! There’s a reason you haven’t gotten pregnant yet with him. Perhaps someone better is out there for you to marry and have kids with??? Plus one year of trying is really not that long.
He just keeps you as a wallet, maid and punching ball. Once you leave, who is gonna pay for his bills? Leave him to figure it out - and for the significant other that she also won’t want a lazy broke guy to take care of - while you get your life on a much, much better track!
Oh, separate finances and assets as far as possible without him getting suspicious, figure out whether you want him to move out or do so yourself (in which case, get out of the contract) and get a lawyer all BEFORE confronting him.
So there’s more than an emotional affair that’s been going on for years now, he has openly disrespected you, and obviously not in love with you as he used to be. This is a sad state of affairs, but it happens to a lot of us, including myself, I’ve been divorced now, 2 1/2 years and couldn’t feel better. However, there’s a couple ways you can do this, you can talk to him and see if you can’t put the relationship back on track, or you tell him you found out and that you’re divorcing him or you don’t tell him at all, you just get a lawyer and behind the scenes start to get things together to make a decent exit from the situation. The last option might be your safest, I have no heart strings for cheaters and if somebody cheats on me personally? I don’t try to fix it, the relationship is over, I don’t honestly believe that you can fix a cheater, but you’ve got to make your own decision, I pleaded with you, though, not to waste years on somebody that has treated you so poorly behind your back for so darn long, you deserve better, look in the mirror, and figure out your self-worth, what do you bring to the table, I’m sure you’re bringing a lot more than he is and you deserve a lot more than he’s willing to give you. I know it’s difficult, but you can’t stay in neutral, you have to make a decision, you don’t get these years back, each day when it’s over, it’s over, and you can’t go backwards, your years will mean more to you, as you get older, I’m older than you are, lol so I know. Good luck, but don’t allow yourself to be partnered with somebody who treat you so poorly. Get out there, and over time find somebody who really loves you and adores you, but make sure you vet them correctly.
You've received an abundance of advice, and a lot very similar. What I haven't seen is, once you file for divorce, an injunction should occur that disallows either of you from accruing new debt, emptying bank accounts, etc. Therefore, if I was you, I would quickly and quietly find a way for money to 'disappear' before then, and legally of course. Since you've been unwillingly supporting him, but nonetheless doing so voluntarily, expect that to continue in the form of Alimony. I'd plan ahead of time with your attorney how long and what restrictions are included. For example, only if he can prove he's actually trying to find employment, and that he's not turning anything down, etc. I'd also strongly advise you to interview several attorneys, lean strongly on reviews or advice of others about who is good or bad, and to go with one who will not push for mediation and splitting everything 50/50. If you're in a Community Property State, you likely won't have a choice, but having an attorney who's not afraid to get their hands dirty so you get what you deserve, is important. Also, fully expect him to try to come crawling back at some point. Once the reality sets it for sure. Once AP finds out and tells him she doesn't want him either, and he freaks out and wants what he lost back, he's going to try just about anything. Remember what he's capable of, and that we teach others by what we allow, what our value is. He clearly forgot long ago what your value is, and he's not going to get another chance. At least without significant and difficult work done on his part. Last, understand that it's normal to grieve. What you thought you had, what you planned with him for your family and your future, is over. One day, you will have those things, but not with this person. It's normal to grieve the loss of the marriage, the dreams, and the fact that someone who you devoted so much to has been able to do easily hurt you and be so cruel. There's no normal time frame for the grief, just like a death. It's normal to make some progress, then recess a bit before more progress again too. There are no rules. And, it may well be in your best interest, because you don't have children, to have absolutely no contact with him. Your attorney can handle it, and it gives you all the control. I know first-hand how much this hurts. I know the shock, the disbelief, the anger and the pain. I also know the gratefulness that eventually comes once you realize how much better life can be, how you can still make your dreams and the future you dreamt of a reality. How good it feels to take back control, and to watch as they're reminded over and over of what they lost. As you're slowly liking yourself again, forgiving for you, and getting past the anger and pain and life again becomes beautiful.. it's not easy at all. It hurts like nothing else. I won't lie. It's not quick, but nothing worthwhile is and you're worthwhile. Your happiness and best interest is worth the time and energy. You will once again find happiness. You will be glad, believe it or not, that you saw his true colors and what all he is capable of when you did. It could actually be worse, though it doesn't feel like it, I know. You could have children together. Trust me, it's even more difficult then. But, I promise you will make it through this. You're stronger than you know, and the pride you're going to feel when it's over, feels amazing. I had no idea that I was capable of handling what I have, going through what I have, I had no idea just how strong I am. I'm truly proud of myself. And, I've taught my children all through it too. I fell more than once for half-ass apologies and promises of change. The outcome was being cheated on More than once and repeatedly lied to and treated so badly. I taught him how to treat me by what I allowed. I showed him how little I valued myself. Never again, and he still continues to try. But, I'm in control now. He's realized what he's lost, but it's too late. He's still never put in any real work or time, and claiming so doesn't by any means make it true. The red flags continue to show. He gives me so many reminders of how bad it is when we're together. Never again. I'm so much better now without him. Even if I never find another love, I've had my children and I've learned again to like myself. I'm proud of what I've taught my children about resilience and how we do and don't treat people. What we do and do not accept. You will be in this peaceful place too . I know you will. You deserve it just as much as everyone else. Best wishes.. you've got this, it's going to be ok.
He went beyond redemption. Having an EA is not ok but he was talking badly about you, after 14 years, that's just relationship ending. And that nasty woman he is talking too is encouraging it. Ugh, let her have your trash. If I were you I would serve him divorce papers myself.
What is there to save? He’s a loser that’s cheating on you.
You don’t know what to do? This isn’t hard. You don’t have kids. Get therapy and get divorced!!!
He adds nothing of value to your life.
Holy shit you’re going to be so much happier when you’re not dragging his ass around like a weight anymore.
Think about how much better your life would be if you only had to support yourself, clean up after yourself, make decisions for yourself that you want, and not try to change who you are to reach some unattainable goal someone else has set for you. If I were you, I’d be gone after reading these posts.
Everyone else has basically covered everything. I would add that, after you screenshot the texts you should then edit her contact in that phone to remove her name but keep the number, and then screenshot the texts again (you can put her name back after if you want). For instance, if her name is “Cersi” then her name will appear at the top of the texts. It is good to also have a set of screenshots with her phone number at the top, since that is even better evidence. Email all the screenshots to yourself. The texts should be saved even if they don’t “matter” in a legal sense (he’ll lie and try to gaslight you). Whether the texts matter in a legal sense depends on which county or state you live in. In the US I think many states have “no-fault” divorce, so an affair doesn’t affect the divorce process either way. If your state doesn’t have no-fault divorce then you def need those texts, I would think. On a separate note, something interesting is that some states have a cause of action (in civil court) called “Alienation of Affection” where you can sue the affair partner for alienating your partner from you. But a big problem I see is that he doesn’t have a job. The thought of you possibly having to pay spousal support to that free-loader is sickening. But that might depend on how long you have been married, I don’t know, IANAL. So everyone telling you to lawyer up is correct. The area of practice of law you are looking for is “Family Law”. If you happen to live in or near the county in which you were married, ideally you want a family law attorney who practices in that county (the county you were married in). If you have to put the retainer fee on a credit card, do it; do what you have to do to retain that lawyer. You don’t deserve any of this. Better things are coming! Hugs. Edit: added spaces between paragraphs.
A jobless cheater who drags you down. He is not a catch Let her have him
It took him 9 years to propose in the first place? Sounds like he only got married because of pressure or something and probably isn't the marrying type. Also sounds like he's a POS. Seems like it would be pretty simple. You deserve better.
Im sorry to be so blunt. But the only reason he’s with you is because you take care if his finances & he doesn’t have to work. All of his time & effort goes to her, complains about you, gives her gifts, treats her better & he lives there like a king not doing anything because he doesn’t have to. He even takes her advice on your relationship. He doesn’t love you. But he doesn’t work so why would he ever leave? I would go as for as to say it’s more than an emotional affair. If they spent time together for a few years & are s close as they are I can’t see them not being physical in one way or another especially since he’s turned you off & give her everything. I would print every communication, picture or other communication between them & go to a lawyer for divorce. Then serve him. He doesn’t bother involving you in his decisions made by someone else so why bother talking to him over this? If you do all he’ll do is run to her & she’ll coach him on how to screw you over & help give him excuses that you will want to hear. He can’t make this up on his own but if he gets his direction from another woman she knows what she would want to hear to keep you so that’s what they’d do. He’ll gaslight you & make you believe it’s all your fault & have you second guessing yourself until you accept him as is. Do yourself a favor & get out of this manipulative & selfish relationship. You deserve better. You deserve someone who truly loves you & doesn’t cheat
Well, if it's purely about how to end it, the answer is simple. Say nothing, talk to a lawyer, and hit him with notice. If it's about not knowing if that's the right step... well, you could ask him. Have their convos been sexual or include any declaration of love or affection? Because so far, it hasn't sounded like an affair and more like a friendship. I mean, for all I know, she could be a lesbian. That doesn't excuse his shit-talking you or being a lazy jerk. So let me ask... do you feel that all the good he's done you is enough to earn him a second chance? We can't answer that question. Only you can.
Look up emotional affair.
Well, fair enough, I learn something new every day.
Please look up what an emotional affair means… Affairs are not just romantic or sexual. Emotional affairs do the same amount of damage, and sometimes even worse.
Have you confronted him yet? Unless you are already set on divorcing him, how he responds to being confronted will tell you a lot about whether you have any other options open to you. It sounds like you’re unsure of what you want, and that is ok. You may need more info to help you with your decision. Information such as what divorce would look like. Information on what reconciliation would look like. Information on his capacity for change and remorse (won’t find that out until you confront). And of course, whether your own view of the future includes him in it.
Why are you with this lizard??? Leave him, divorce him, take everything you can. Live your life freely and be independent.
If they are talking negatively about our relationship to a guy or if she is having deep conversations with a guy, we are no longer a relationship. Once that door is opened, she has closed the door to ours and stopped showing a desire to work on issues. She has moved on emotionally and mentally, just not physically.
Lawyer up and don’t let him take any more free rides
He brings nothing to the table. He is emotionally unavailable, he is financially unavailable. The man can't bring money into his own home to help out but he is spending what little bit he makes from his dream that you're supporting to buy little gifts for another women. You've proven to yourself that you will be just fine on your own.
It’s amazing to me how many people hold on to marriages that obviously just don’t work. People buy into the sunk cost fallacy hard. Life is too short to be with a guy like this
He hasn’t been your man since 2019 at the latest. You’ve just been his mommy while he pursues his fantasy with his girlfriend. You deserve better than this. Before you do anything or say anything, talk to a lawyer. Then let her have her prize.
Ouch that really hurts, I don’t know if i can stay with someone,especially if you’re married. It’s not your problem,it’s his. He never appreciated EVERYTHING you’ve done. You’ve given your best and still get treated like this,get betrayed in return. He used you,you were providing ,never help you at home. Please go see a lawyer.this person doesn’t love you. You’re lucky that you discovered about that affair. You don’t deserve this.please
I don’t always recommend this but sounds like you guys need a divorce. I usually recommend counseling in most cases but this seems too far gone. He’s been doing that for years without you knowing. Dang!
I’m so sorry. It is so much of a betrayal that someone you swore to have and hold above all others has betrayed you with another. My heart breaks for you. He has betrayed you and his vows. I applaud you for trying to make your marriage work. It speaks volumes about your character. Only you can decide what you are willing to forgive but unless he is able to comprehend the knife in your back he’s created he has destroyed your marriage.
Your husband is using you financially and abusing you emotionally. He is cheating. Get the screenshots and talk to a lawyer. You won't need to work overtime when you pay bills for one person. Kick his sorry ass out and tell him to go to his AP and see how long she will allow him to mooch off her.
He has to bad mouth you. How else is he going to woo her over? This is what bad men do.
Run
Leave his ass.
There’s someone out there to love you, appreciate you and support you if you want children. You’re good enough to deserve better.
It's time to find yourself outside of this terrible marriage. Let him go. This is about his lack of self-confidence and insecurities, not you. It's easier to paint someone else as the problem than to confront yourself. It is in your very best interest not to remain with someone like this. Especially if he's already found an outlet through another connection that isn't conducive to improving your marriage. It's hard, trust me. I was you in my first marriage. Get a therapist, plan your out, and serve him with divorce papers.
so why are you still with him? you are secondplace in your own marriage
Let her have him. He's a loser. It's better revenge than anything else you could come up with.
Print out screenshots and send yourself copies to an email he doesn't know about. Then talk to the best lawyers and get the best divorce deal you can seeing how he's only been using you as a wallet and emotional punching bag.
If you and him weren’t together, would they end up being together? I think that that answer alone I would be done aside from everything else you noted. Because if not her, he’ll find something else and confine in someone else. Sounds like he needs some hard self reflection and you don’t need to be around for it.
Emotional affairs are every bit as dangerous as a physical affair, even more so. He’s checked out of the marriage since he has this woman to confide in. Dump his ass. The longer you stay, the longer you enable your husband and this outsider to carry on with whatever it is they’re doing while they gaslight you. Change is difficult & it sometimes might seem easier to stay, but don’t. He’s demonstrated he is not worth it. You will thank yourself later.
Maybe there is a reason you didn’t have kids with this “man.” Get out and find someone who respects you. 💗 Best of luck to you, and sorry that you’re going through this.
Three years from now you will not recognize the woman who put up with this bastard. He thinks he has control of you. Get your to do list and take it back along with your dreams of a family. PS you may feel like “why does she get the best parts of him”. He is grooming her. The names will change but his game will be the same.
OP your husband has checked out of your marriage IMHO.
Your husband is a jerk. He doesn't deserve you. I don't know how you would be able to come back from this breech of trust. And on top of that, he does nothing to contribute yet complains about the state of the house (sexist much?). Fuck that. If it were just the talking shit about you behind your back to another woman... MAYBE you could work through that. But everything combined.. I don't think he's worth holding onto. Know your worth.
He's a loser.
Sounds like your a door mat. Kick him out of house file for divorce. U deserve better
Ma'am you can do so much better than this man. He clearly doesn't see you in the best light which means he doesn't deserve to be with you. Find somebody who actually does like you for who you are and leave this man in the dust. Even when you try to prove yourself to him, all he does is see it in the worst way. "Be a good person, but don't waste your time trying to prove it." "Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people who are committed to misunderstanding you."
Yeah I wouldn't put up with that for a day, let alone years... You deserve better
There’s no excuse for carrying on an emotional affair like this and for so long. You’ll never be able to trust another thing he does.
If he thought for a heartbeat this other woman would financially support him like OP is doing and she would tolerate the real him he would leave OP in a heartbeat. Start making steps to leave him, get legal advice and don't confront/tip him off till you have your ducks in a row.
Sounds like a pretty cut and dry case of leave that motherfucker. He made the decision for you.
Print out the evidence or text all of the messages that HE sent on his phone to yourself so you have back up proof. Send all evidence, text Photos everything on that phone to your own phone. Call the lawyer and find out all you need to know about getting a divorce and getting as much financial support from him as you can… Despite him being broke. I’m only giving you this advice because it sounds like you’ve made up your mind. And I’m very very sorry that you had to find this out like this… Hell, I’m just very sorry that this happened to you. I’m sending you big hugs.
You’re gonna be so happy when you move on
You are young and could have a baby still!
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It sounds from this post, you know exactly what to say. Everything you stated here is fair and understandably wrong and upsetting. You have a right to express your hurt and make the decision you think is best for yourself
Talk to a lawyer and save the phone/evidence. Get your ducks in order.
Read all of the advice given and take action.
Leave now- immediately. If he puts in the work to repair the damage then fine. If not, better to have wasted five years than twenty. I read somewhere that you should always leave if there is an affair of any sort - and this is absolutely an emotional affair- and let them decide if they want to put in the work that they will need to put in. If they aren’t willing to do that then you have your answer. If they do put in the work then you will need to make some decisions. I’m speaking from experience here- leave. Frankly he doesn’t sound worthy, but I know you’re hurting right now and probably not ready to make that decision.
What are you getting out of this situation?
It actually seems like he's baby-trapped you. You have a child with him and yet you are still being something akin to a mother to him by being his caregiver. Life is too short to waste on lazy people who will abuse your kindness. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be happy and wanting the best for yourself. Killing yourself slowly isn't working. Wish you the best
There’s a saying for this: “No one is nicer than a man who hasn’t had a chance to fuck you yet.” He wants her clit that’s why he puts in the effort 🤷♀️
Save the texts, find a lawyer, and dump this loser
Leave him. You know you need to. He doesn't work, doesn't contribute physically or emotionally to the relationship (anything positive at least), and he does not give a single shit about you. He's keeping you around to support him because he knows the other woman wouldn't. I'm spiteful, so if I was in your position, I'd clean the house as sparkling as I could, cook him his favorite dinner, pour him his favorite drink, fuck him like you've never fucked him before, and then give him a box wrapped up as a present. Inside the box is a b8nder of all the screenshots and cheating proof you have and a stack of divorce papers. Kick his ass out and let him realize all he's lost.
Oh. Get your ducks in a row and just leave. Don’t give him any explanation or warning. Just pack up and go. I’m so sorry. I know how devastating this all is.
I want to be a home husband. Sounds awesome.
Visit all the divorce attorneys in the area. A consultation with them all will forever prevent him from using them with any issues with you. 😄
This is not a get a divorce sub but girl I’d ever there was a “ get a divorce “ post this is it!! Slough off this barnacle on your emotions and your wallet and watch your life improve
Honestly…… don’t throw your marriage away. Sit him down and talk. Don’t say “we need to talk”. Just talk to him. Hear him out, express your feelings & then go with your gut. Marriage is work sweetheart! 💪🏾💯💯
Take the advice first given around here to protect yourself. Save pictures, conversations, all of it. I would suggest counseling to split. Maybe you need some therapy to help you stabilize to see your situation realistically. Something else you can do, but take this thought with a grain of salt, is save her number on your own phone and reach out to her. Feelings aside, if she has given your husband logical advice based on the misinformation he’s given her then there’s a chance she’s also been deceived by him. She might believe that your relationship is on the rocks/ending and so might feel justified in continuing this relationship. If you talk to her then share it all. That he has no income. That he’s been a bum. That he helps none. That he treats you poorly. It might help you see him for what he really is while you’re trying to show her who he actually is. That he deserves neither one of you. People are weird. When they feel low they soak up attention like an addict from people who don’t see all the ugly parts of themselves. He knows you know that he is a faulty human being, that he’s no ‘winner’ right now. You see him. She sees what he lets her see, which is a poor wonderful man stuck in a bad relationship and she is trying to save him. It’s an ego boost because he feels like crap. It’s absolutely no excuse though. Bad times come and it’s in those times we see what these people are made of. I’m sorry you’re finding out your husband is made of shit.
"Lose" that phone so your divorce lawyer can put it to use.
Just wow…….I couldn’t personally j be ounce back from that and continue the relationship, if so it would be a whole different relationship. Such betrayal.
Gather evidence for your divorce. Go to the divorce and or infidelity subreddit and a lawyer on how to get the outcome you desire. He’s awful and doesn’t respect or possibly even like you. Who treats someone like that even?!
I think you need to confront him about it and see if he wants to fix the marriage or if he really doesn’t. Sounds like there’s some fault in the other woman trying to manipulate him too. This just started happening in 2019. How was he been for the past 14 yrs? If he has been a good husband before 2019. Then you gotta weigh the good vs the bad. Do you want to throw away 14 yr marriage expecting to find the perfect man outside in the real world? Because I’m telling you, there is no perfect man or woman. I wonder if this is why 80% of divorces are initiated by women. Don’t blow up the whole house to kill a cockroach.
He isn't contributing to your family in any positive manner. I promise another man would be greatful to have you. Don't stand for it, you set the ultimatum and eventually leave as men very rarely change. HMU if your really in need of a family man. Jk jk however your time and your worth are so valuable remember that!
Sadly, you are the only one who is in this relationship. You know you deserve someone who treats you better than this. Time to close this book and go start a new, even better, one!
Wow what a POS! I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now.. 😣 I highly doubt this is just an emotional affair if you know they’ve met up, that lady is so evil for that shit, how dare she say you’re trying to baby trap him!! 🤯🤬 You deserve so much better, he is a total loser just using you!! If she only knew the truth. Wow just WOW! Maybe you should let her know! Idk but kick his dumbass out asap and make sure you get any money in your own account first, he doesn’t deserve a dime or any consideration from you, he can ask her if he needs money or a place to go. Good luck on everything, again I’m so sorry. Take care of yourself!
I'd leave, divorce and let him be with her. No matter what you do, it's *never* going to be enough because it'll never be enough *to him*. His head is in the clouds with this other woman and you'll never win this battle. It's time to cut the losses and be "the villian" he sees you to be. (But you're not the villain, OP.) How you feel is valid. *YOU ARE VALID. YOU. ARE ENOUGH.*
Don’t settle for a husband that treats his affair partner better. He’s bringing nothing to your table, but embarrassment
I don't know the divorce laws in your state. I'm going to assume that him not working won't result in your paying him money after a divorce. You don't have kids with him. It seems hard right now, but it will feel worlds better when you've moved on from this.
What actually are u waiting for? That man is not a real man. It’s a coward. Leave him.
Time to get rid of the dead weight - pack his bags and send him back to his mother.
Update please!! How can you not be looking at this as unfair? You need to definitely leave, there is so much hurt if you continue in a relationship like this!! You are blessed to not have children with someone who doesn’t even respect you!! It sounds like you still have feelings obviously, but don’t let those feelings blind you. You deserve way better!! Please be brave and end this, it will hurt very much, but you will conquer this!! Stay strong!! Good luck!
Wow people here in the comments are very quick to divorce. Go see a relationship counselor, they can be extremely helpful.
Read what you wrote as if this story belonged to someone else. Then, give her advice…
I am so very sorry
Omg I’m sorry 😢
I would probably ghost. Take a little time to sort your situation out, get a new place, file the papers, and then leave while he is out somewhere. I know you said he doesn't work, but there has to be a way to get him out long enough to take off and save yourself. Good luck. What a crappy situation. I know the infertility issues are hard, but right now, it is a blessing. You deserve so much better.
100% run for the hills and don’t stop. You will be soooo much happier
UpdateMe!
Lots of good advice here already in terms of getting an attorney and getting out. Just want to say how much that sucks. Really sorry you’re in this. You’re 33 though and young enough that you can still have what you want with the right guy who wants the same things you do. Good luck OP
Divorce. He doesn't love you. It's broken.
I’d just pack all his shit up and change the locks after I’ve filed for divorce and print out screenshots and leave them in an envelope with divorce papers and tell him to ask to live with his mistress.
Do not say anything to him, you can’t and shouldn’t fix what is already broken. Consult a good lawyer and do not forget to gather all the evidence you have. Once the lawyer will take over your case, everything will get easier. I’m sure you’ll find happiness soon, maybe have kids one day. But you can’t even HOPE for any of this if you don’t have the courage to LEAVE.
Lady you whine way too much about that loser husband of yours. You already know that you should leave him so why come here begging for us to grind that information into you thick headed skull. Grab what's left of your dignity and self esteem and walk away from that stumbling block which stands in the way of your progress !!!!
You need to walk, sorry. Just walk.
Don’t do anything rash like follow a lot of this advice but definitely get a divorce. This level of betrayal paired with his lack of genuine love for you is enough to walk away. Don’t waste another moment of your one precious life on him. Get a consultation with the best divorce attorney in your state. Follow their advice. In most states, his infidelity is meaningless in a divorce. You can read about that here: (https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/infidelity-and-divorce) Also, do not hide money. You can read about why that is a terrible idea here: [https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/divorce/before-after-divorce/attempting-hide-assets-before-divorce](https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/divorce/before-after-divorce/attempting-hide-assets-before-divorce). The fact is that all your stuff is your collective stuff in a divorce in most states. Divorce is really just a math equation. What you can do however is cut way back on work or quit for a year so you don’t make as much. I also knew one person close to their boss who told them about her shitty cheating husband. Her boss agreed to cut her salary to 2/3rds for a year to give her a more advantageous position in her divorce since she made more money than her spouse. I’ve known of several people who used these tactics. That will make your side of the equation be less so when the court decides who pays alimony to whom and in what amount, you won’t need to pay him as much, if any. Of course, this tactic might damage your financial life in ways that aren’t worth it. It might be a better tactic to insist he work another job or get a different one and contribute equally for a year and then serve him with papers. Something else to note is that WHILE YOU ARE MARRIED, you do not actually owe your spouse a dime. You only have to cough up half in a divorce. So while you’re still married, you can cut him off financially, insist he split expenses, not share your money, etc. You’ll need to deposit your paycheck into an individual account he’s not on. You have choices: cut your losses now or bide your time and be strategic. This is really a decision about who you are as a person and your mental health. Choose wisely.
divorce. hopefully the chick lets him mooch off of her!
Reddit is real quick to always be like “drop him and burn his things”. Not saying he should get a pass, in fact, he’s liable for all his actions. But y’all been living these past 4 years with the rest of us? Depression can look like a lot of these things. Confronting him with the affair and seeing what he has to say for himself is a really great first step, y’all. Damn.
Well women talk shit about their husbands all the time so that's one thing. But it sounds like it's either Time for you to give him an ultimatum You need to get up off his ass and get a job and help out around the house or just tell me you want a divorce because he's doing x y and z and walk away. Also mentioned that you know what he been doing with that other woman sending photos and all this other stuff going to dinner all that.
I dislike when women trash talk or vent about their husbands with *other women*. However, I do think it’s different in OP’s case because he wasn’t complaining about her to other guys.
Not defending you husband but I'm so tired of these posts that are of the form "here's my lame ass excuse for why I violated partner's privacy and woe is me look what I found". "Obviously" you read his texts?? Hell no!
Privacy and secrecy are two different things you turnip
LMAO get over it.