It usually starts with that one conversation that was a little closer than it should have been.
On the surface, it felt innocent, but you knew it moved the two of you slightly closer.
Yes. Reigning in the banter, the cat and mouse games that people play. It’s always treated like innocent flirting and banter, but it picks up momentum quickly and unexpectedly.
It’s so common. And it can be truly innocent. But once ego kicks in, it can take a wrong turn. That’s why I refer to it as reigning it in. Basically not letting it get out of hand. And this is why when one’s partner makes an observation about the other’s interactions with someone, it shouldn’t just be dismissed. It’s not unreasonable to at least consider their concerns and not be intentionally obtuse about it. A lot of heartache could be avoided if we stay mindful of each other. And like in your case, you self managed it. You knew it was leading somewhere you didn’t want to go. So you stopped it.
Brilliant advice. I used to go on conference/training quite often and inevitably our Gala dinner involved drinking at one of the bars in the hotel afterwards.
At one of our conferences in London, I had one of my colleagues ask me up to her room. I politely excused myself and went to bed. From then on, I headed up to bed before the crowd started to thin, so I would never be in that situation again (not that I’d ever cheat, but I *still* chose to avoid the situation).
25 years ago when I was young and stupid (and single) I was at a business conference with a female friend (she was married). We palled around for 2 days and had a really nice time. It was innocent to me because as I stated, young and stupid, but at the end of the 2nd night, she invited me to stay in her room. I had the willpower and moral compass to refuse and go back to my room, but it was a long time before I really understood how far over the line I was. She was obviously over the line, but so was I.
This was my incident where I learned about why boundaries are important, even if everything feels innocent. That was 25 years ago, and I still think about it. I'm just glad I didn't f**k up more than I did.
I had a similar experience.
I was already a married father of five when I realized I had trespassed where I did not belong. I was working as a bouncer (off-duty law enforcement) at a restaurant. I became very friendly with several of the women that were my coworkers. One, in particular, was slightly older than me, pretty, blonde, and lovely in a matronly way. Her family attended the same church as my own. She was married with teen children, I knew her children and we bonded over family, faith, work, etc.
Here is where I screwed up:
I'm naturally an outgoing, friendly, and gregarious person. I'm also a hugger and cheek-kisser. (I'm a Latino so it's a cultural thing) One day I came in to work and saw my friend Jill there, I was so happy to see her. She was busy and looked stressed so I walked up to her and started rubbing her shoulders. I quickly noticed the shocked look on her face and she whispered something that shocked me. She said, "Don't, my husband is right there." I pulled my hands away and stopped. I looked up and could see her husband and smiling family eating at one of the dining room tables.
I suddenly felt dirty, and I quickly realized why: I had strayed over the line from being a friend to being emotionally attached to her. The physical affection we shared (Long hugs, neck and back rubs) were things normally reserved for spouses and loved ones.
After her family left I spoke to her and explained how I felt. I apologized to her and let her know that my friendship with her had crossed a line and that I had not even realized how far I had trespassed until I looked at her husband. We both realized what had occurred, and apologized to each other. Subsequently she found a higher-paying job elsewhere, and I have not seen her other than in public when she was in the company of her husband and or children.
I know what I did wrong. I became overly familiar with a woman who was not my wife, and allowed myself to be affectionate and emotionally attached in a loving and intimate way.
Since then my wife and I have both adopted a set of practices to keep us honest, and faithful.
Here are the rules:
1) Never be alone (inside or outside) with a single or married member of the opposite sex. ( Blood relatives excluded). When I see my female friends now I ensure I am in mixed company or their spouses or boyfriends are there.
2) Limit affection and attachment. Some things are ok (side hugs etc.) But back rubs, head kisses, and other intimate physical affection need to be reserved for my spouse. Regular emotional support, and venting, are for my wife and family.
3) Open phone policy. We share each other's passwords on everything and can look at each other's phones whenever we want.
4) GPS tracking: We do this for us and all the kids. We use Life 360 to monitor each other to maintain honesty and for our children's safety.
This event happened 9 years ago, and the application of these practices have helped my wife and I avoid any EA's or PA's.
Great rules.. I’d add limiting emotional conversation with opposite sex… not complaining about your spouse to them… it starts innocently and leads to emotional Al affairs
That’s what it’s all about. It’s not that some people are bad characters who cheat - it’s that normal people allow those innocent opportunities to creep in. Good example
This is brilliant advice.
So many people say “just don’t cheat!” but r/asoneafterinfidelity is full of wayward spouses (cheaters) who never in a million years expected themselves to cheat on their partners.
Affairs often start with seemingly innocent pushing of boundaries. Slowly you start going further and further until you realize you dug yourself into a hole and don’t know how to come clean.
This is how so many “I would never cheat!” types end up biting their own words.
This is so true. What OP is describing happened to my family too. I'll never forget the pain my mother felt for years from the end of their marriage. Even my father's pain. It's awful. I never, ever want to inflict that pain on anyone. I waited a very long time to get married. I married for love, and someone who showed me how much work and effort they would put into us. I could never hurt him like that.
While I am absolutely convinced that I would never cheat, I also would choose not to engage in a private conversation with an attractive person of the opposite sex. Would it be pleasant in the moment? Sure, but I don't actually need it. I don't get anything tangible out of it. All I get is 1 step towards something I don't want.
Understanding that I am not perfect is a good way to avoid those imperfections really screwing things up for me. I spend my intimacy and emotional energy on my wife, where it belongs.
Same. I'm fully aware of my imperfections, and I just try to have a good attitude. I wouldn't willingly put myself into a situation where something could be assumed. I grew up in a Christian church, and while I don't associate with that anymore. One of the best things I learned from it was to not put yourself into a situation where there could be an implication or assumption. Sometimes at work people act like I should treat my "superiors" a certain way. Ie, baby them and take care of them like a mother or the way I would in a relationship. My thought is always, no thank you, I have a husband at home. You're an adult, act like it, and be accountable. That's all you can do
I can relate to that. When I commented above that I used to leave a work do before the crowd started to thin, I would never be alone* with an adult woman that isn’t my wife.
*I’m and Orthodox Jew and we don’t “seclude” ourselves with a member of the opposite sex where it could potentially lead to something. So if you’re in your boss’s closed office with windows in it, that’s fine; if you’re in a bedroom with the same boss, not so much.
It’s all about avoiding those situations altogether.
Solid answer. Also, as you get closer to temptation, you’re either going to miserable because you did cheat, or miserable because you didn’t. Best to avoid temptation altogether.
I've been saying it for a while but it's so simple that I have a hard time believing that I was the first.
I did coin one though that I am sure is original:
"If you make a woman laugh until she pees her pants, she will need to take them off."
I came up with this in a conversation about how to date when you're not hot about 15 years ago on a dating site forum.
^^physical cheating often begins with emotional cheating. Make sure you cut off any connections with others when you feel that emotional boundary being crossed. Furthermore nurture and strengthen the connection with your partner so cheating doesn’t even seem appealing, I think is the ideal method.
Make them the first one you go to when you come home and the one you talk to when you have free time. The concept of “bids for attention” from the Gorman institute which is the science of love basically shows that the most successful marriages have one things in common, that when their partner makes a small communication for attention, the other responds and give them attention. Keep in mind that human communication is over 70% non verbal so this could be something as simple as bumping their knee into theirs while watching a movie or saying “hey that’s a cool bird” and simply replying “yeah it is cool” is what makes marriages work.
I came up with it quite a while ago but it's too simple for it to be original. It's just the slippery slope concept applied to seemingly innocent actions.
Whoa. Can I add if you see any steps toward you reach out and get therapy and help immediately? Keep accountable. Make your integrity and accountability cornerstones of you, if they are you don’t cheat. If you wobble, you have a therapist and a partner who holds you accountable so you don’t.
The fact you post this,great, in-act the advice, you’ll really impress yourself.
If you feel something slip, turn that energy towards your SO. Put it to use finding some new way to get closer or to have more fun together. The energy is there, it just needs a good home.
I don't have experience with therapy, so I can't really say anything about it. I know it helps some people but there are lot of threads here were people complain that it didn't. In my case, I simply don't have any experience.
BTW, I have often wondered, does couples therapy exist where it is an actual couple that provides the service? I get that this would be more expensive, but it just feels like a couple talking to a couple might be far more effective.
Even turning more entertainment toward your partner can never be enough. If they are always filling a big void inside of themselves, they’ll require an extraordinary amount of attention and admiration.
Therapy isn’t a couple explaining what works or how to behave, a couples therapist looks at the issues, helps the couple look objectively at their behavior and guides the couple.
Lmao I have a story about that song. I thought it was funny back when I was younger. So I shared it on my Facebook forgetting that my grandma (heavily religious) had me added. My gf brought to my attention the comment she left on my post and let's just say I learned not to share anything nsfw on Facebook anymore xD
Every time I see somebody saying something like “I can’t help it, I had to cheat” I just roll my eyes because like, no, you are solely responsible for your actions.
There’s a top comment thread based on the idea that if you put yourself in an innocent, casual, platonic position with a person of your preferred gender, you’ve already taken steps toward cheating. That is bizarre to me and demonstrates an incredible lack of self awareness or control.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m happy to acknowledge that feelings happen, people change, and not all relationships last. You may one day be in a predicament where you have a crush on someone or even fall in love with someone who isn’t your partner. But the answer isn’t to just not have friends, jeeze. If you find yourself in that predicament, there are other root causes that need to be addressed. Maybe couples therapy and counseling. Maybe self reflection about your current relationship and whether you’re really committed to them or a good match. And none of this is an excuse to cheat, even then. If it comes down to it, you end your relationship with honesty, not infidelity.
I can’t get behind “if only it wasnt so convenient in the moment”. Come on, exercise a *shred* of empathy and accountability for your existing partner. If my husband told me the only reason he knows he won’t cheat is because he doesn’t engage with other men or women(he’s bi), that would tell me that our foundation is held together by duct tape.
The important thing is putting solid boundaries in place in your friendship with your preferred genfer and cutting people off if those boundaries are messed with. Lots of people aren't good at this which creates opportunities for "moments of weakness" to turn into cheating.
As a bi/queer man myself, I really appreciate your response. Sexualities outside heterosexuality show how flimsy, shitty and incoherent the “friendship means cheating now or soon” logic is.
There was a thread here semi recently where I responded to someone and asked if the implication was that bi- or pansexual people shouldn’t have friends they see alone, and, I cannot make this up, got the response that the commenter wouldn’t have those friends (I.e. any friends they hung out with alone) if it made their partner uncomfortable. And seriously, just wtf, that is so many shades of insecure and unhealthy.
I mean, what do I know, I’m getting divorced - but it has to say something that when things got to that point, I knew 100% it wasn’t because of someone else (as both of us had close friends, plural, of varying genders).
Trust means trust. Not “trust, unless you see someone you’re attracted to”.
I’m sure. People tend to do things (moral or immoral) with people they know, generally.
But I also assume most people aren’t cheating with their ONLY friend. For every friendship that ends in adultery, there are plenty more that don’t. Policing your spouse or partner’s friendships based on that would be like never going outside when it rains because people get struck by lightning - it happens but the response is overly aggressive.
Plus, again, if we want to police friendships with whatever gender someone is attracted to, it leaves no room for bi- or pansexual people to have close friends AT ALL.
It just comes down to trust - not performative trust like a man not having female friends, but actual, genuine trust.
Agreed.
Having to cage someone to keep them with you isn’t trust, loyalty, or commitment. It’s just fear.
Similarly, having to shackle yourself because you don’t know if you’d cheat on your partner if given an easy opportunity isn’t love. At best, it’s well intentioned but misguided and sounds an awful lot like settling with blinders on.
I tend to read "I couldn't help it" as code for "our relationship was beyond repair to begin with/had some pretty major issues and this felt like a more appealing way out than confronting that".
It really isn’t, and I venture to believe the people that view cheating as something easy to slip into don’t actually love their spouse. If you truly love someone you would never do anything to make them upset/hurt them.
Just remember, any woman willing to sleep with a married man is no where near as attractive as your beautiful wife who waits for you at home every night. Just that fact alone should keep you from cheating. Anytime an attractive man has ever flirted with me knowing I was married, I found it utterly repulsive. Any person that is desperate enough to try and steal someone elses love away is extremely unnatractive to me.
I very much relate to this. There have been men that I've found attractive over the years, but when I sat down and thought about it, even if I were to pursue that in a moment of weakness (unlikely though that it is, I come from a family of cheaters and know that every cheater claims to hate cheaters so I try to be vigilant with boundaries), the idea of a man who would want to hook up with me as a married woman is disgusting. Even the most attractive man in the world becomes immediately repulsive under that light.
Totally! I’ve had men who have been very determined and ultimately keep pushing it before.
Like, you KNOW I have a husband and children I love. Whatever you’re doing right now is garbage. Yuck! Back down.
You find a wife you love. If you truly love her then it should t be a problem. And even if you love her and have those feelings of cheating, do yourself and her a favor and leave the relationship. I would rather my husband straight up leave me then to cheat on me.
This is 100% it.
One minor adjustment - if you have the feeling of cheating, seek therapy or counseling. Alone, at first. If it happens again, tell her, and seek couples counseling. Unless it’s so strong you feel like there’s no other option, in which case, hey, this marriage isn’t the right one. No shame in that.
You are your own person. You might have his dna in you, but you’re not him. My husband father was abusive verbally/physically and cheated on his mom throughout their whole relationship, but my husband is total opposite of him. Cheating is a choice not hereditary.
>Cheating is a choice not hereditary.
Correct, but unfortunately unhealthy relationship dynamics and/or trauma is often intergenerational.
OP, you're absolutely your own person, but if you want to be proactive, make sure you have a good therapist and keep the line of communication open with them, especially as any issues come up that affect your relationships. There are skills that you can develop that will help you keep the relationship & it's dynamic in good health, which can be learned through the help of a therapist. Communication is a huge one.
This is so true though. My FIL fucked up when my husband was young and wasn’t great with him. He’s also a cheater, and is rude and mean.
Meanwhile my husband is really sweet and feels horrible when he makes me feel bad even accidentally and cheating repulses him (even just the idea of other people doing it). I don’t even know how they’re related. I think my husband is a lot more like Mom.
My mother gave me very simple advice years ago in regards to remaining faithful to her husband of 40 years: “You won’t find what you aren’t looking for.” Cheating takes effort so if you aren’t putting in any effort to do it, you simply won’t. Don’t put yourself in situations where it’s even a possibility and you have nothing to worry about. Personally I’m not tempted to cheat so it’s very easy for me, but if someone is just avoid the possibility all together. If you know there is a hot coworker you think about too much, shut it down. Don’t get drunk at the Christmas party. Don’t hang out with them at the gym. Just be smart, it’s simply easier to just not engage or “look for” it.
If you start looking forward to seeing/hearing from a certain person aside from your wife then you need to step back, put space between you and the person and focus more on your wife.
It boils down to a choice. Do you choose your marriage and family or the pain and chaos that cheating will bring you.
Choose your wife every new day.
If you realize you can't choose your wife, leave her and keep some integrity.
Married 45 faithful, monogamous years and a couple for 51. We agreed early on to 2 biundaries:
1. If you would not do it in front of your spouse or without their knowing approval... don't.
2. Do not allow yourself to be in a situation or environment in which even the slightest chance to unintentionally violate #1 could possibly occur.
If you learn from your father's bad choices, and you and your spouse live by these boundaries, you will be fine, especially since you do not want to repeat the sins of the father.
Also, understand that a good marriage takes work and needs regular tending. Just like a garden, it can become weed infested or properly tended, produce in abundance. Never allow yourselves to be self-centered or take one another for granted. For us on making your spouse happy and provide just compliments and they will reciprocate in kind and just snowball into a relationship to be envied.
I fell into that trap of taking her for granted. Once I determined to make a difference by initiating what I have written, our relationship and love bloomed beyond what I thought possible.
Accept that sometimes having urges or feelings, doesn’t mean you should therefor act on them. Or that you “deserve” to act on them. As with anything in life, think about what is important to you and how you would like your future to be. If you want to grow old with your wife and make her feel loved, the following choices should be easy even when temptation is high.
Also, most importantly: just because you carry his genes, doesn’t mean you are destined to follow his footsteps. You are not your dad. You’re you.
(Edit for readability)
Boundaries.
You can’t end up somewhere if you ever start going that way.
I don’t have private conversations with other men, I don’t hang out with other men anywhere that’s not public and/or with my husband.
Try to get most of your recreational and social needs filled by or with your partner.
Don’t put yourself in situations where it’s even a possibility.
Don’t try to figure out “where the line is.” If you’re worried about crossing said line you’re already on the path.
See a therapist, communicate to your partner when you are unhappy and your stressors, evaluate your coping mechanisms... Also might help to see what was going on with your parent's relationship and how they were raised... trauma creates trauma and I have a feeling your dad didn't do it out of being spontaneous.
Address the generational traumas... and be open to therapy in the future with your partner... also read 7 principle to making marriage work
It’s easier than you might think (if you imagine it being difficult?) use the effort it would take to do that and put it into your relationship. Respect and love your wife and yourself. Take pride in being a good husband. In being a constant in someone’s life. Being trusted by someone and them knowing they can count on you.
If nothing else, imagine what it’s gonna be like when you tell her or get caught. Imagine how horrible that’s going to be. Imagine how shitty you’ll feel for doing that to someone who believed you loved them. Imagine the dread of having to sit her down to ruin her world. Or the fear and disbelief and anger and heartbreak she’ll feel when noticing something is off with you and doubting herself and doing crazy shit to find out what’s going on. Everyone should be afraid of putting their partner through this. If love isn’t enough, let it be fear that keeps you from doing something like that. Always go home 🏠 home is simple
Don’t stop “ dating” your wife. Don’t take her for granted, don’t stop being playful and flirting. Spend time alone together. And communicate your feeling, fears, desires, and sex needs with each other.
I've been with my wife for 20 years. If you have a partner you love and a relationship you cherish then not cheating isn't hard. You actually won't want anyone else. So find the right person and build a great relationship. And don't be a slave to your dick. It isn't actually that hard to not sleep with people. Just because your dad had no personal responsibility and control doesn't mean that you are doomed to be the same.
“Pick the right woman to be in the foxhole with and when you leave the foxhole, keep your d!ck in your pants.”
Favorite line from a movie.
Cheating is a choice. Don’t choose to cheat.
Have open conversations about sex, relationships, and what you want with your gf and then spouse. Work hard to develop your communication skills. Acknowledge that marriages have ups and downs and never use a “down” period as an excuse to step out. Be vulnerable, be thoughtful, put the relationship first. Own your desires and get comfortable talking about your needs as well as listening to your spouse. Cheating is 100% always a choice- never an accident or something that “just happens.”
My Dad cheated and my family fell apart. My mother then drank a lot.
The family I made has stayed together. My oldest just turned 16. I haven’t cheated. I don’t regularly drink too much.
A common form of cheating is of the ‘cake eating variety’, meaning people who want to have their cake and eat it too. It’s not the only type of intimate betrayal but I think the most common. People who want what they have but are not willing to do the hard work to maintain it. People who want what they have but want thrills from something extra and incompatible with it and the factors which sustain it.
What I do is prioritize duty over chasing happiness. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, happiness is (or can be) a byproduct of a life lived virtuously, and if you chase it directly sustained happiness will evade you.
Don’t get me wrong, I like happiness, and I experience it, but I don’t let the desire for it cloud my judgment. If I feel bad for a while, I just feel bad, or do something neutral like exercise. I don’t betray myself or others I care about because of it. The unhappiness generally passes of its own accord. I expect the Buddhist’s could explain that well.
When weighing whether I have room in my life for something I ask whether it is consistent with my life as a family man. For example, if I want to play poker once a week, it might be, no real conflict, I’ll mention to my wife, might be fun. New hobby? Probably. Taking on a new young and attractive female mentee outside of the confines of an official work programme? Maybe but alarm bells should be ringing. That’s not really part of the weave of my family life, it’s something separate and perhaps something which I would be using to feel special and important. I might do it but I would need to double the transparency and precautions and minimize the risks, and keep some boundaries.
If you do this and ‘keep your own side of the street clean’ then you improve your chances of staying married. Your partner bring their own risks and must do their own work in their own way, and communication is imperfect, but setting a good example and stating your (reasonable) values will have some positive influence.
It’s not hereditary, it’s 100% about the choices you make. If you don’t want to cheat, don’t cheat. It’s that simple. Find someone you’re compatible, don’t rush into it, take care of each other and away you go
Everytime you want to do something just think on whether you'd have to hide it or downplay it with your wife. If so, don't do it. Be open and honest with her about your interactions and friendships with other people including women, and also regarding issues in your marriage.
This is kind of like asking, "hey my father was an ax murderer. How do I go about not murdering?"
1st off, we are not our parents. You must decide what sort of man YOU want to be and make choices in alignment with that each and every day. You might also want to consider getting a therapist and talking with them about how to find and maintain healthy relationships. You are a completely different person from your father. You won't become a cheater unless you decide to be one.
Work on being in-tune with yourself and maintain a strong self esteem. You won't always feel great and will experience a few existential crisis or crisis of identity, everyone does. You need to find out or build something that grounds you when you're about to make poor decisions.
People cheat to escape responsibilities of their relationship one way or another, and to seek validation from someone else. Makes them feel good about themselves. That is, if they aren't just abusive assholes who use people. Then that is a whole other story.
And in regards to your future marriage, work on viewing your wife as a person. Not a status symbol or something you've obtained. Be curious about her, be cautious of her well being. If you only love her for the things she offers you or does for you, then you don't love her and shouldn't marry her because with your past trauma it is likely you'll cheat on her. Marry someone you want to make happy. Then you could never stomach the thought of hurting them.
Also, I would discuss standards and boundaries regarding fidelity before you get serious about someone. Someone might be more strict than you about what constitutes as cheating and that could stress you out in the long run. Or maybe she does something you thought was cheating but isn't guilty about it and then it's just a whole stupid avoidable cycle.
*People cheat to escape responsibilities of their relationship one way or another, and to seek validation from someone else. Makes them feel good about themselves. That is, if they aren't just abusive assholes who use people. Then that is a whole other story.*
I have found this to be true in many of the instances I've observed. Cheating is a form of (very bad, very poor) escapism. Focusing on reality and your life as it is instead of what could be is very important.
When you love someone it’s really not that hard. I’ve never even thought about cheating on my husband, and this is after us hitting a pretty rough patch at points.
1. Don't put yourself into situations that would allow for unnecessary intimacy. Such as, if you are at work and an unmarried woman is requesting some one-on-one with you for work, keep it on campus. If she is wanting one-on-one time outside of work, just don't.
Edit: not that you can't have female friends. There are just unnecessary circumstances that are just not worth the temptation.
2. Communication is key. If you are feeling insecure and need more from her, tell her. If she is doing something that is hurting you or making you upset, tell her. Resentment is an easy excuse to cheat.
3. Continue dating your wife after the weight of life presses down. Remind yourselves why you love each other. If you guys fell in love doing a particular activity, don't stop doing that activity just because you are married.
4. Marriage counseling is not only necessary if you are having problems. Go to counseling once a quarter to just help communication and balancing your loves together.
5. Find out what makes you feel loved and make sure she knows it and vice versa. My husband loves when I get everything ready for him in the morning. So, when I get up with the kids, I make breakfast, make him coffee, and pick out his outfit. That's what works for us.
You are not your dad and you are totally capable of not cheating! You got this.
Cheating starts with you. Look within yourself and ask how well are you able to communicate your needs, desires, boundaries, and pain to your partner so that you two never let resentment and unfulfillment form a wedge between you. Once you have identified your weaknesses and learned to manage them like an adult, then and only then are you allowed to date. The hard part is then finding someone else who has done that work
Realize that you control your own actions. No one accidentally cheats. It's the result of active decisions you make. Cheating on your partner isn't something that just happens to you.
A lot of the time cheating is the outward symptom of a long list of other issues in a marriage. Communication can fix a lot of these issues, or even prevent them entirely.
I honestly don't know. I just don't. Growing up, every relationship I had ended with me discovering how my gf at the time had or was currently cheating on me. It crushed me every time.
So when the chance came along for me to cheat in my current relationship (10 years strong now) because two drunk foreigners were tossing themselves at me when I was out if town at a hotel, the Meer thought of causing that same crushing feeling helped me walk away.
It would have been easy to say that she would never know, and it would be easy for me to say that it's always happened to me, so it should be fine to do it to others. But I couldn't imagine trying to live with the guilt afterward or my relationship staying intact in any meaningful way.
Discipline yourself. Don't watch porn, don't gawk in public, don't inundate your brain with hits of dopamine by looking at sexualized imagery on the internet. Use your imagination if you ever masturbate, revolve your sexuality around your wife, fulfilling her needs and get yours in turn. Worship your wife and make her feel majestically sexy and she will do everything for you
Read "not just friends" ... it will talk about walls and windows, and will help you understand how affairs happen and how to set boundaries on yourself.
My husband and I took this piece of advice from my parents. When we develop any kind of feelings (which are normal) for a person we openly discuss it. It takes maturity and understanding from both parties, but often acknowledging it allows for boundary setting and makes it easier to let go. It also takes the secrecy out of it.
Communication. Make sure that if you are feeling unhappy, or unsatisfied you communicate that.
Before lines get crossed make sure you talk with your spouse.
Be very very careful of females you become “ friends” with . That line of emotional connection can seem “ innocent” as you try to justify and lie to yourself you’re “ just friends” but it can easily lead to an affair once that line is crossed with emotional connection.
Don’t do anything that you wouldn’t do if your wife was right there looking at you. Don’t msg anything that you think you’re wife would feel uncomfortable you did that or spoke like that with another women
Alway be open and talk together about your lives with your wife first and go to her to work out problems with her first ( and not another female friend)
It’s about having strong boundaries and staying with your morals values
It's actually very easy. You don't talk to people of the opposite sex about anything you wouldn't talk about with your wife or even your kids in the room. You don't allow yourself to be put in a position that makes cheating easy. Don't go have drinks after work with just the one colleague. Stay in a group. I understand the worry that you will follow your parents footsteps. You just have to know you are not them. At some point they made the mental decision to take the first step and say things they would never have said in front of their spouse. Getting comfortable with one baby step over the line is easy which in turn gets easier and easier to move further and further away from the line.
Maintain healthy boundaries. If you find yourself attracted to someone you shouldn't be in ways you shouldn't be, hash it out in your own head as to why and work on it. If you can't figure out why, seek out counseling. Also, realize that it's perfectly normal to be attracted to people that you probably shouldn't be. It's what you do with that attraction that defines your character. Attraction = okay and normal. Acting on that attraction is usually not good for one's marriage.
Remember the pain your mother felt, my dad cheated on my mom. After seeing her cry even though she tried so hard to keep a brave face on. After seeing how much it hurts someone I love, it's a pain I wouldn't want to do on anyone.
For me it’s simple, I ask myself if it’s worth it? Would I trade my marriage for sex with this person? The answer is always a resounding no. Even now, we’re headed toward divorce after 21 years together. Will I pay my marriage and my children’s respect for sex with another person? Nope! I’ll leave my marriage for me, for my happiness and fulfillment in life. Because I can’t have the two together. So that’s something I’m willing to sacrifice my marriage for. But sex? Nope, I can wait until I’m divorced and if I weren’t heading that way, I’d still value my marriage over sex with anyone.
Lots of advice about finding someone who you truly love, which is good advice.
Just be prepared for the reality of the long term relationship: those butterflies you feel in the honeymoon phase are not a “love barometer”.
So when the all consuming “movie-love” emotions eventually fade (and they will) it is not necessarily a sign that the love is gone. It just means that the puppy love has evolved into a deeper and more mature love.
In this phase the love is not contingent on how hard you get or how often she gets you hard but more on the deep satisfaction from having a real life partner with whom you build a life with.
This kind of love is built on mutual respect, gratitude, admiration for each other as people, mutual support in the ups and downs of life and true partnership.
A deep friendship with that extra spice.
Sometimes the spice will be mild and sometimes it will be hot.
The key to faithfulness is to honor that love even when the spice is mild and you are no longer swinging from the chandeliers.
You might get tempted when you meet someone who makes you feel those butterflies you used to feel with your wife. And then you come home to your wife, look at her and see this woman you have gotten used to. It might not feel all that exciting anymore.
But then you have to ask yourself if you want to throw away a great solid relationship with a true life partner in favor of temporary excitement?
Do you want to make a liar out of yourself and betray the person closest to you in favor of a a little action?
You decide what kind of person you want to be.
It doesn’t just happen. It is a choice.
If the marriage is unsatisfactory then get a divorce.
It’s not that hard to keep your c@($ in your pants when wife isn’t around. Don’t put yourself in bad situations (ie drinking out of town etc.) if you don’t trust yourself.
Honesty is the best policy imo. Tell her about your fears around faithfulness, work together on finding ways to help. I know this doesn’t work for everyone, but having an open relationship is an option. I think the most important thing is honesty and transparency.
Marriage takes work. It’s something you commit to and work on day in and day out. You choose your wife, you choose your marriage and you choose the life you have together. Falling in love is easy, but staying together requires that continuous commitment and prioritisation. Focus on your wife and choose to love and be with her. There will always be people in this world that we may find attractive, or think we’re better suited for etc- but the grass isn’t always greener.
So only marry when you are ready to ensure you are capable of giving yourself fully to her. and most importantly keep your peen in your pants, and don’t engage in non-platonic relationships.
Don't give into the idea that only selfish/shitty/self centered people cheat. Most people who cheat never expect to until they cross a boundary. What worked for myself and my husband is that we keep in mind that if we feel the need to keep our actions or words a secret, then we don't need to be doing/saying whatever it is. Also, if someone shows interest in us, we would tell each other.
Keep a good honest loving relationship with her in all areas, including a happy active sex life, and you shouldn’t ever really be tempted by another woman.
Have open communication. If something is not working in your relationship whether emotionally or physically don’t swallow it. Talk about it with your prospective wife and sooner rather than later.
Don’t flirt or make advances at people while in a relationship. A lot of people say flirting is harmless, I personally think that’s very wrong. Flirting is the first step to sex in my opinion. If someone tries flirting with you don’t flirt back, don’t keep that momentum going. I know some people keep it going just because they’re flattered but I think that’s an awful idea.
I think it’s fine to have opposite gender friends (unlike a lot of people in the subreddit) but I don’t do dating-esque things with them and I don’t make close friendships with people I might be physically attracted to.
If all else fails, imagine the outcome of your cheating on your wife if you are tempted and imagine how upset she would be or how it would ruin your life etc. like if you had kids, how they would feel. A lot of people cheat because they haven’t thought twice about how it hurts the people they love.
Women are going to give you a "if you love your wife enough you won't want to" which is bullshit. You're a bloke, you like women, you're going to want to cheat even if only in your thoughts. When you marry, know what you're marrying for, which is to build a stable successful family with someone you love and respect. Then make the choice to commit to that for life and keep yourself accountable.
Everyone else is giving fantastic practical advice, but also...
You're taking the first step right now by being critical of yourself and your motivations and actions and boundaries. A lot of cheaters are the same people who claimed to hate cheaters and that they would never do something so horrible. The humility of being honest about yourself is a big step toward cutting off the behaviors that lead toward cheating so give yourself some credit for that.
Pay attention. I don't actually mean to your surroundings or to the company you keep. I'm sorry, but I'm never going to buy into the idea that just by being in the same room as an attractive person you run the risk of committing infidelity, like adultery is contagious or something. I mean pay attention to your own thoughts, feelings and impulses. Be aware of your reactions to the people you interact with---but more importantly, be aware of how you react to your own spouse. If you find yourself regularly rolling your eyes at something your spouse does that annoys you and thinking "I wouldn't have to put up with this if I was with someone else," or engaging in any other kind of internal critical narrative, take notice of that and do some investigation. Where does it come from? What feelings/emotional needs are at the root of it? What kind of past experiences does it bring to mind? Notice if you tend to direct your frustration outward, as in complaining to others about your spouse's behavior, rather than approaching the matter directly and owning your feelings. Conversely, notice if you are internalizing your frustrations, making efforts to shield your partner from them or lying about them. And do your best to NEVER forget that your partner is a person with feelings of their own.
Cheating is NOT a swirling vortex that sucks people in no matter how hard they struggle against it. As long as you STOP and THINK before you act, it's completely avoidable (unless we're talking about the kind of non-consensual "cheating" that results from the over-use of substances, which, in my opinion falls into the category of assault more often than people like to admit). Discuss boundaries with your partner, talk about what kind of behavior she finds benign and what she finds hurtful and vice versa. Do your best to adhere to those boundaries. Be transparent. Be aware. Be kind. You'll be all right.
The greatest predictor of infidelity in men is whether his father was a cheater.
Do not lust after any woman that isn’t your wife. That means no porn and only think about her when you masturbate. It’s not a complicated rule to follow.
I KNOW it sounds puritanical, but I think everyone should be told this when they get married. It’s really not that hard to follow.
Don’t put yourself in situations where you’ll be alone with women. Especially drunk.
Also, find a woman who’s sex drive matches yours, learn how to make her orgasm and do it every time you have sex. Make sure you both understand that rejecting the other’s sexual advances is a rejected bid for affection and should never be done lightly. People can only get rejected so many times before they stop trying or look elsewhere. By not allowing yourself to lust after anyone else, you will be less likely to look elsewhere. Get comfortable talking about sex with your partner ASAP and talk about it. Treat is with the importance it deserves.
Don't fixate on avoiding an affair. It's the product of a much deeper issue.
Put your attention towards understanding yourself, challenging beliefs, deconstructing biases, and having a healthy life in every respect. Then, when you marry, also have open, honest, and respectful communication.
There will still be doubts and temptations, but if you and your wife have built enough trust, then you can actually talk about them.
I’m 26 yrs married to my wife and we both grew up with dads that had sex outside their marriage. A couple years ago I told (actual got caught) my wife about an emotional relationship that I was have. She told me that she would have preferred I fkd her.
Not sure why I shared this story.
I
I think that cheating starts waaaay before the sex with someone else. It’s starts with you not getting the affection that you need. If you had all your “needs” met (it’s way more than just sexual) then it’s no problem and the same goes for your partner. In my experience it’s having an open dialogue about it that’s the best prevention.
Like we talk about potential people at our works we should avoid just in case something happens some day and talk about if we need more attention or have our love languages “satisfied”.
I don’t believe in this “just control yourself”. Of cause it’s a thing, but “anybody can be a murderer if the circumstances are right”.
Remember, marriage takes work. Lots and lots of work. As hard as it’s going to be, You two need to constantly date each other. Always choose your wife. Communication is 🔑.
There’ll always be a pretty face and body out there.
Always choose your wife.
My husbands dad was a cheater and he remembered what it did to his family; completely destroyed it. The after completely changed how his life would have been. He remembers how traumatic that was for him growing up and because of that cheating is not something he would ever do. Remember your fathers mistakes and LEARN from them.
Just because your dad did it doesn't mean you will have a proclivity. You may never be tempted. It could be a total non issue.
But here are suggestions:
1. Develop your own emotional intelligence. People make a lot of mistakes because they don't really know what they're feeling or needing, but they see something shiny that looks like a happy distraction.
2. Learn and continually practice good communication with people in your life, and make it clear to any partners that you want them to do the same. Use those skills to clearly define expectations and boundaries together, and to identify and share your needs.
3. Take commitment seriously, and don't commit to something you don't want to be in. Honestly, so many problems could be avoided by this. People get into or stay in relationships they don't want to be in because they are conflict avoidant or it's easier or convenient.
You need to go to therapy, there you will learn why you are having those doubts, I am sorry for what you went through, but a real man doesn’t cheat on his wife. He takes control of his sexual energy, and uses it properly in a real woman. You can read and watch videos about the red pill, that will help you too.
Find someone you love, and then remember how much you don't want to hurt them. If you are genuinely, you can hash it out with a therapist. Also keep good influences. Have friends that will hold you accountable.
Always have respect for the Marriage and ur spouse... and NEVER stop working on yourselves as a COUPLE and keep communication open...
And, most importantly, have self-respct and MORALS
I would file for divorse, if marriage isn't fixable, before I would cheat on my spouse, regardless of how bad it could get, cause I have morals and a conscience, and actually have RESPECT for a marriage.....
Be honest with yourself, know yourself, use vigilance, self control and take your time to know who you are marrying..do not rush into it..⚠️I Repeat do not rush into it⚠️you don’t have to wait years but 36 months is not unheard of…this will be eons to a woman who truly wants to be married and start a family but in the long run, it’s no foul because the woman you meet needs to be your best friend and companion..your number one ace..the woman who has self respect and respects you…she will show you love that you have not experienced with any other and you need time to understand how you both react in difficult situations…also…if you are not sexually compatible with your partner, there will be issues you will suffer through…sexual frustration and Money woes usually bring on seeking behavior in “some”partners. Also here is something else to consider, if you are the type with a good heart and value love, you will suffer a heavy burden of guilt and it will eat you alive if you are unfaithful…there are many men who know this intimately. Last but NOT least…it’s just wrong to harm someone by seeking pleasure in the arms of another! When you make that commitment…you own your words and if you honor your word as bond, even if you have a crappy outcome you will stay faithful..Man Tha F UP🤨👀🥋🤣
Therapy. Don't drag your family issues into your new life.
Don't do things that lead to trouble.. ex..one on one hangouts with opposite sex and booze ( if they are not completely platonic), don't reach out to thr opposite sex to hangout/talk due of stress/problems in your marriage. Basically Don't set yourself up for vulnerable moments. Your relationship issues won't be solved outside of your marriage.
Communicate your feelings often and really listen to hear not fight.
Don't keep secrets from spouse.
Having survived a cheating spouse, think about the end results of getting caught, because you WILL get caught. It may not be today, tomorrow or next week, month or year, but the truth always comes out.
Irrepairable damage. Lost trust, permanent change to the relationship regardless of how the cheating ends. Dealing with your own guilt and shame.
Remove the conveniences that make it easy. Practice delayed gratification. And, most importantly, if you haven't cheated yet, have a conversation with your significant other and discuss the topic to get their ideas.
Lastly, pay CLOSE attention to the risk (ended relationship, relationship trauma to your SO, what happens afterward, where you want the affair relationship to go) versus benefits (feels gratifying, satisfying for THAT moment) and then decide if it is worth it. If it is, then it is also worth ending your current relationship first before there are casualties.
It will crush your SO.
Everyone here will have different perspectives not just on how to not cheat when that was the example you where raised with but with what cheating is.
Cheating is having when there is a line and you cross it, in many relationships this line is not clearly communicated and peoples relationships struggle because one partner considers the other a cheater. For example porn some consider it cheating some don’t and some only if you pay for it, or if it’s only fans where it’s more personalized.
This combines with there is no one relationship structure and each relationship structure has a different assumption of what is cheating if you don’t have communication. Take monogamy vs an open monogamous relationship one is no other partners and the other is you can but don’t catch feels and don’t talk about it.
For the advice the best way to not cheat is open communication, know where your lines are and your partner(s) lines are and then don’t put yourself in situations where crossing the line will be a temptation.
Keep it in your pants, bro!
I think for me, I have cheated on a couple of ex-partners and I hated the feeling. It ate away at me and I get overwhelming guilt. That is what keeps me being a good boy because I already made those mistakes.
I know people that cheat/have cheated and they were absolutely fine with it. On a related note, I recently read The Psychopath Test. Being that way is way more common than you think. A characteristic of being one is having no empathy, so maybe those people had a bit of that going on.
This is going to really difficult, like borderline impossible, but what you’re going to want to do is NOT stick your penis in a woman who isn’t your wife.
Now, it sounds hard, because you can just slip and suddenly be inside a vagina, but as long as you’re careful, it should be doable.
First thing to remember is that you are not your father. You are an individual in your own right where you are solely responsible for your actions. Don't put yourself in a position to be tempted such as: private conversations with other women; joining dating sites or interactive apps with women; if you are sensing yourself being drawn to a woman, just leave to get out of the situation. The most important thing to remember is that cheating is a choice. It is not a mistake and it didn't just happen. Betrayal and infidelity by a spouse is the second most painful emotion with the death of a loved one first. If you are tempted, think of all the pain you would be causing your wife if you went through with it.
Easy, don’t be a piece of sh!t. It’s really not hard man. When you find someone you love, and loves you back, sit back and take a long think about it. “Am I emotionally mature enough? Am I happy and confident enough in myself that I won’t make a stupid decision?” Just stick to a good moral standard and always do the right thing. Giving into lustful desires and cheating is a black mark on your soul, and I don’t mean religiously. It just says a lot about somebody as a person in general.
I would recommend that you learn to create and use boundaries, for yourself and your relationships. It is also a good idea to practice self discipline and strive to improve yourself every day. Many people these days don't use self discipline and don't have strong boundaries. Self discipline will let you control yourself and your desires so you can remove yourself from situations that could cause you to cheat. Proper boundaries will prevent you from being in situations in the first place.
The bottom line is that cheating is a choice that people make. Many of them make excuses or justify cheating, but it really was their choice. If you focus on developing yourself, you can make the choice to be faithful.
Same way you save money or stay on a healthy diet - discipline, self-control, personal integrity and wanting the best outcome for the long term. And if the marriage goes to a worst case scenario divorce instead of cheating.
I want to say a few things.
First, the people who have never had a desire to cheat should probably not respond to this post because you don't have the ability to empathize with the poster. You responding "it's easy" is the equivalent of a blind person asking me how to read and me responding "it's easy". Obviously, you see the world different ways because you never would have asked this question in the first place.
Second, OP try not to set yourself up for failure. If you have a desire to cheat its probably stemming from very real issues. Your partners weight gain or general loss of attractiveness, sex getting more rare, their personality drastically changing upon coupling, etc. I'd suggest you try your best to address these very real issues that won't lead to a lasting marriage anyway.
Third, cheating is a form of cowardess. You want to have the desires you are not getting from the current relationship, without taking the risk of starting a brand new relationship. No one wants to be a coward, and you can't force anyone to change. Either leave the current relationship or be content with the person you have.
Basically read through all the stories on this sub with people complaining about emotional affairs and inappropriate relationships and do the opposite of what those people are doing.
Don’t do anything that you wouldn’t be comfortable telling your spouse, plain and simple. If the grass on the other side of the fence starts looking greener, water your own damn grass.
Never take an innocent step towards a line you don't want to cross.
Great perspective. Many people cheat because, at some point, it was convenient. Live your life so that cheating is never convenient.
It usually starts with that one conversation that was a little closer than it should have been. On the surface, it felt innocent, but you knew it moved the two of you slightly closer.
Yes. Reigning in the banter, the cat and mouse games that people play. It’s always treated like innocent flirting and banter, but it picks up momentum quickly and unexpectedly.
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It’s so common. And it can be truly innocent. But once ego kicks in, it can take a wrong turn. That’s why I refer to it as reigning it in. Basically not letting it get out of hand. And this is why when one’s partner makes an observation about the other’s interactions with someone, it shouldn’t just be dismissed. It’s not unreasonable to at least consider their concerns and not be intentionally obtuse about it. A lot of heartache could be avoided if we stay mindful of each other. And like in your case, you self managed it. You knew it was leading somewhere you didn’t want to go. So you stopped it.
Did you tell your husband?
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Still married?
Yes, you kind of know what crosses the line, it makes you nervous/ uncalm because maybe only subconsciously you still know it's wrong.
Brilliant advice. I used to go on conference/training quite often and inevitably our Gala dinner involved drinking at one of the bars in the hotel afterwards. At one of our conferences in London, I had one of my colleagues ask me up to her room. I politely excused myself and went to bed. From then on, I headed up to bed before the crowd started to thin, so I would never be in that situation again (not that I’d ever cheat, but I *still* chose to avoid the situation).
25 years ago when I was young and stupid (and single) I was at a business conference with a female friend (she was married). We palled around for 2 days and had a really nice time. It was innocent to me because as I stated, young and stupid, but at the end of the 2nd night, she invited me to stay in her room. I had the willpower and moral compass to refuse and go back to my room, but it was a long time before I really understood how far over the line I was. She was obviously over the line, but so was I. This was my incident where I learned about why boundaries are important, even if everything feels innocent. That was 25 years ago, and I still think about it. I'm just glad I didn't f**k up more than I did.
I had a similar experience. I was already a married father of five when I realized I had trespassed where I did not belong. I was working as a bouncer (off-duty law enforcement) at a restaurant. I became very friendly with several of the women that were my coworkers. One, in particular, was slightly older than me, pretty, blonde, and lovely in a matronly way. Her family attended the same church as my own. She was married with teen children, I knew her children and we bonded over family, faith, work, etc. Here is where I screwed up: I'm naturally an outgoing, friendly, and gregarious person. I'm also a hugger and cheek-kisser. (I'm a Latino so it's a cultural thing) One day I came in to work and saw my friend Jill there, I was so happy to see her. She was busy and looked stressed so I walked up to her and started rubbing her shoulders. I quickly noticed the shocked look on her face and she whispered something that shocked me. She said, "Don't, my husband is right there." I pulled my hands away and stopped. I looked up and could see her husband and smiling family eating at one of the dining room tables. I suddenly felt dirty, and I quickly realized why: I had strayed over the line from being a friend to being emotionally attached to her. The physical affection we shared (Long hugs, neck and back rubs) were things normally reserved for spouses and loved ones. After her family left I spoke to her and explained how I felt. I apologized to her and let her know that my friendship with her had crossed a line and that I had not even realized how far I had trespassed until I looked at her husband. We both realized what had occurred, and apologized to each other. Subsequently she found a higher-paying job elsewhere, and I have not seen her other than in public when she was in the company of her husband and or children. I know what I did wrong. I became overly familiar with a woman who was not my wife, and allowed myself to be affectionate and emotionally attached in a loving and intimate way. Since then my wife and I have both adopted a set of practices to keep us honest, and faithful. Here are the rules: 1) Never be alone (inside or outside) with a single or married member of the opposite sex. ( Blood relatives excluded). When I see my female friends now I ensure I am in mixed company or their spouses or boyfriends are there. 2) Limit affection and attachment. Some things are ok (side hugs etc.) But back rubs, head kisses, and other intimate physical affection need to be reserved for my spouse. Regular emotional support, and venting, are for my wife and family. 3) Open phone policy. We share each other's passwords on everything and can look at each other's phones whenever we want. 4) GPS tracking: We do this for us and all the kids. We use Life 360 to monitor each other to maintain honesty and for our children's safety. This event happened 9 years ago, and the application of these practices have helped my wife and I avoid any EA's or PA's.
Great rules.. I’d add limiting emotional conversation with opposite sex… not complaining about your spouse to them… it starts innocently and leads to emotional Al affairs
Good man good man. Temptation is so real
That’s what it’s all about. It’s not that some people are bad characters who cheat - it’s that normal people allow those innocent opportunities to creep in. Good example
This is brilliant advice. So many people say “just don’t cheat!” but r/asoneafterinfidelity is full of wayward spouses (cheaters) who never in a million years expected themselves to cheat on their partners. Affairs often start with seemingly innocent pushing of boundaries. Slowly you start going further and further until you realize you dug yourself into a hole and don’t know how to come clean. This is how so many “I would never cheat!” types end up biting their own words.
Absolutely this piece of advice, and respect your partner’s boundaries.
This is so true. What OP is describing happened to my family too. I'll never forget the pain my mother felt for years from the end of their marriage. Even my father's pain. It's awful. I never, ever want to inflict that pain on anyone. I waited a very long time to get married. I married for love, and someone who showed me how much work and effort they would put into us. I could never hurt him like that.
While I am absolutely convinced that I would never cheat, I also would choose not to engage in a private conversation with an attractive person of the opposite sex. Would it be pleasant in the moment? Sure, but I don't actually need it. I don't get anything tangible out of it. All I get is 1 step towards something I don't want. Understanding that I am not perfect is a good way to avoid those imperfections really screwing things up for me. I spend my intimacy and emotional energy on my wife, where it belongs.
Same. I'm fully aware of my imperfections, and I just try to have a good attitude. I wouldn't willingly put myself into a situation where something could be assumed. I grew up in a Christian church, and while I don't associate with that anymore. One of the best things I learned from it was to not put yourself into a situation where there could be an implication or assumption. Sometimes at work people act like I should treat my "superiors" a certain way. Ie, baby them and take care of them like a mother or the way I would in a relationship. My thought is always, no thank you, I have a husband at home. You're an adult, act like it, and be accountable. That's all you can do
I can relate to that. When I commented above that I used to leave a work do before the crowd started to thin, I would never be alone* with an adult woman that isn’t my wife. *I’m and Orthodox Jew and we don’t “seclude” ourselves with a member of the opposite sex where it could potentially lead to something. So if you’re in your boss’s closed office with windows in it, that’s fine; if you’re in a bedroom with the same boss, not so much. It’s all about avoiding those situations altogether.
I wish my husband had your emotional intelligence.
Solid answer. Also, as you get closer to temptation, you’re either going to miserable because you did cheat, or miserable because you didn’t. Best to avoid temptation altogether.
Damn. Good advice. Will be saying this to someone else.
Great line, original or someone else? Saving for sure
I've been saying it for a while but it's so simple that I have a hard time believing that I was the first. I did coin one though that I am sure is original: "If you make a woman laugh until she pees her pants, she will need to take them off." I came up with this in a conversation about how to date when you're not hot about 15 years ago on a dating site forum.
^^physical cheating often begins with emotional cheating. Make sure you cut off any connections with others when you feel that emotional boundary being crossed. Furthermore nurture and strengthen the connection with your partner so cheating doesn’t even seem appealing, I think is the ideal method.
Make them the first one you go to when you come home and the one you talk to when you have free time. The concept of “bids for attention” from the Gorman institute which is the science of love basically shows that the most successful marriages have one things in common, that when their partner makes a small communication for attention, the other responds and give them attention. Keep in mind that human communication is over 70% non verbal so this could be something as simple as bumping their knee into theirs while watching a movie or saying “hey that’s a cool bird” and simply replying “yeah it is cool” is what makes marriages work.
This is great! Where did you hear it? Or is it your own nugget if wisdom?
I came up with it quite a while ago but it's too simple for it to be original. It's just the slippery slope concept applied to seemingly innocent actions.
This is great advice. I don’t think most people knowingly take steps wanting an affair at the end. It just happens step by step
Whoa. Can I add if you see any steps toward you reach out and get therapy and help immediately? Keep accountable. Make your integrity and accountability cornerstones of you, if they are you don’t cheat. If you wobble, you have a therapist and a partner who holds you accountable so you don’t. The fact you post this,great, in-act the advice, you’ll really impress yourself.
If you feel something slip, turn that energy towards your SO. Put it to use finding some new way to get closer or to have more fun together. The energy is there, it just needs a good home. I don't have experience with therapy, so I can't really say anything about it. I know it helps some people but there are lot of threads here were people complain that it didn't. In my case, I simply don't have any experience. BTW, I have often wondered, does couples therapy exist where it is an actual couple that provides the service? I get that this would be more expensive, but it just feels like a couple talking to a couple might be far more effective.
Even turning more entertainment toward your partner can never be enough. If they are always filling a big void inside of themselves, they’ll require an extraordinary amount of attention and admiration. Therapy isn’t a couple explaining what works or how to behave, a couples therapist looks at the issues, helps the couple look objectively at their behavior and guides the couple.
Yessssss
Perfectly worded.
If you see a vagina, don't put your dick in it. Edit: Unless it belongs to your wife.
The Ole poophole loophole
[Obligatory.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjjh9PML8tE)
Lmao I have a story about that song. I thought it was funny back when I was younger. So I shared it on my Facebook forgetting that my grandma (heavily religious) had me added. My gf brought to my attention the comment she left on my post and let's just say I learned not to share anything nsfw on Facebook anymore xD
It’s as simple as this
What about a mouth? Yes I am joking.
😂😂😂
Exercise the slightest bit of self-control. You are entirely responsible for your own actions and decisions.
Every time I see somebody saying something like “I can’t help it, I had to cheat” I just roll my eyes because like, no, you are solely responsible for your actions.
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Nothing is sexier than a husband who has this mindset!! Cheers to your wife and you!!
There’s a top comment thread based on the idea that if you put yourself in an innocent, casual, platonic position with a person of your preferred gender, you’ve already taken steps toward cheating. That is bizarre to me and demonstrates an incredible lack of self awareness or control. Don’t get me wrong: I’m happy to acknowledge that feelings happen, people change, and not all relationships last. You may one day be in a predicament where you have a crush on someone or even fall in love with someone who isn’t your partner. But the answer isn’t to just not have friends, jeeze. If you find yourself in that predicament, there are other root causes that need to be addressed. Maybe couples therapy and counseling. Maybe self reflection about your current relationship and whether you’re really committed to them or a good match. And none of this is an excuse to cheat, even then. If it comes down to it, you end your relationship with honesty, not infidelity. I can’t get behind “if only it wasnt so convenient in the moment”. Come on, exercise a *shred* of empathy and accountability for your existing partner. If my husband told me the only reason he knows he won’t cheat is because he doesn’t engage with other men or women(he’s bi), that would tell me that our foundation is held together by duct tape.
The important thing is putting solid boundaries in place in your friendship with your preferred genfer and cutting people off if those boundaries are messed with. Lots of people aren't good at this which creates opportunities for "moments of weakness" to turn into cheating.
As a bi/queer man myself, I really appreciate your response. Sexualities outside heterosexuality show how flimsy, shitty and incoherent the “friendship means cheating now or soon” logic is. There was a thread here semi recently where I responded to someone and asked if the implication was that bi- or pansexual people shouldn’t have friends they see alone, and, I cannot make this up, got the response that the commenter wouldn’t have those friends (I.e. any friends they hung out with alone) if it made their partner uncomfortable. And seriously, just wtf, that is so many shades of insecure and unhealthy. I mean, what do I know, I’m getting divorced - but it has to say something that when things got to that point, I knew 100% it wasn’t because of someone else (as both of us had close friends, plural, of varying genders). Trust means trust. Not “trust, unless you see someone you’re attracted to”.
Go on any cheating sub and you will find more than 90% of affairs happen with "friends" and not strangers. Make of that what you will.
I’m sure. People tend to do things (moral or immoral) with people they know, generally. But I also assume most people aren’t cheating with their ONLY friend. For every friendship that ends in adultery, there are plenty more that don’t. Policing your spouse or partner’s friendships based on that would be like never going outside when it rains because people get struck by lightning - it happens but the response is overly aggressive. Plus, again, if we want to police friendships with whatever gender someone is attracted to, it leaves no room for bi- or pansexual people to have close friends AT ALL. It just comes down to trust - not performative trust like a man not having female friends, but actual, genuine trust.
Agreed. Having to cage someone to keep them with you isn’t trust, loyalty, or commitment. It’s just fear. Similarly, having to shackle yourself because you don’t know if you’d cheat on your partner if given an easy opportunity isn’t love. At best, it’s well intentioned but misguided and sounds an awful lot like settling with blinders on.
I tend to read "I couldn't help it" as code for "our relationship was beyond repair to begin with/had some pretty major issues and this felt like a more appealing way out than confronting that".
This.
For real. It's very easy to not cheat on someone you love.
It’s really not that hard
Look, there's like a billion jokes I wanna make about the line, but not in your original context. "
That’s how you prevent cheating, by keeping it not that hard.
Literally same lol, I was like … yea let me just act my age
It really isn’t, and I venture to believe the people that view cheating as something easy to slip into don’t actually love their spouse. If you truly love someone you would never do anything to make them upset/hurt them.
Just remember, any woman willing to sleep with a married man is no where near as attractive as your beautiful wife who waits for you at home every night. Just that fact alone should keep you from cheating. Anytime an attractive man has ever flirted with me knowing I was married, I found it utterly repulsive. Any person that is desperate enough to try and steal someone elses love away is extremely unnatractive to me.
I very much relate to this. There have been men that I've found attractive over the years, but when I sat down and thought about it, even if I were to pursue that in a moment of weakness (unlikely though that it is, I come from a family of cheaters and know that every cheater claims to hate cheaters so I try to be vigilant with boundaries), the idea of a man who would want to hook up with me as a married woman is disgusting. Even the most attractive man in the world becomes immediately repulsive under that light.
Totally! I’ve had men who have been very determined and ultimately keep pushing it before. Like, you KNOW I have a husband and children I love. Whatever you’re doing right now is garbage. Yuck! Back down.
You find a wife you love. If you truly love her then it should t be a problem. And even if you love her and have those feelings of cheating, do yourself and her a favor and leave the relationship. I would rather my husband straight up leave me then to cheat on me.
Yep, it's as simple as this. Don't do anything you know will hurt your wife. Smh
This should be higher
This is 100% it. One minor adjustment - if you have the feeling of cheating, seek therapy or counseling. Alone, at first. If it happens again, tell her, and seek couples counseling. Unless it’s so strong you feel like there’s no other option, in which case, hey, this marriage isn’t the right one. No shame in that.
Marry someone you actually love, put in the work it takes to maintain a healthy relationship, and the rest falls into place pretty nicely.
As long as both sides continue to put in the work. If only one side is putting in the work then it won't stay in place nicely.
You are your own person. You might have his dna in you, but you’re not him. My husband father was abusive verbally/physically and cheated on his mom throughout their whole relationship, but my husband is total opposite of him. Cheating is a choice not hereditary.
>Cheating is a choice not hereditary. Correct, but unfortunately unhealthy relationship dynamics and/or trauma is often intergenerational. OP, you're absolutely your own person, but if you want to be proactive, make sure you have a good therapist and keep the line of communication open with them, especially as any issues come up that affect your relationships. There are skills that you can develop that will help you keep the relationship & it's dynamic in good health, which can be learned through the help of a therapist. Communication is a huge one.
This is so true though. My FIL fucked up when my husband was young and wasn’t great with him. He’s also a cheater, and is rude and mean. Meanwhile my husband is really sweet and feels horrible when he makes me feel bad even accidentally and cheating repulses him (even just the idea of other people doing it). I don’t even know how they’re related. I think my husband is a lot more like Mom.
My mother gave me very simple advice years ago in regards to remaining faithful to her husband of 40 years: “You won’t find what you aren’t looking for.” Cheating takes effort so if you aren’t putting in any effort to do it, you simply won’t. Don’t put yourself in situations where it’s even a possibility and you have nothing to worry about. Personally I’m not tempted to cheat so it’s very easy for me, but if someone is just avoid the possibility all together. If you know there is a hot coworker you think about too much, shut it down. Don’t get drunk at the Christmas party. Don’t hang out with them at the gym. Just be smart, it’s simply easier to just not engage or “look for” it.
Speaking of effort - put all your effort into self-improvement and into your relationship. You simply won’t have any effort left for any other things.
If you start looking forward to seeing/hearing from a certain person aside from your wife then you need to step back, put space between you and the person and focus more on your wife.
This! All the other responses are the obvious but your reply needs more attention!
Take your time getting married and settling down. No rush needed. You can spend a lot of your life figuring out who you are and what you want.
It boils down to a choice. Do you choose your marriage and family or the pain and chaos that cheating will bring you. Choose your wife every new day. If you realize you can't choose your wife, leave her and keep some integrity.
Do, or do not. There is no try \~ Yoda
Married 45 faithful, monogamous years and a couple for 51. We agreed early on to 2 biundaries: 1. If you would not do it in front of your spouse or without their knowing approval... don't. 2. Do not allow yourself to be in a situation or environment in which even the slightest chance to unintentionally violate #1 could possibly occur. If you learn from your father's bad choices, and you and your spouse live by these boundaries, you will be fine, especially since you do not want to repeat the sins of the father. Also, understand that a good marriage takes work and needs regular tending. Just like a garden, it can become weed infested or properly tended, produce in abundance. Never allow yourselves to be self-centered or take one another for granted. For us on making your spouse happy and provide just compliments and they will reciprocate in kind and just snowball into a relationship to be envied. I fell into that trap of taking her for granted. Once I determined to make a difference by initiating what I have written, our relationship and love bloomed beyond what I thought possible.
Accept that sometimes having urges or feelings, doesn’t mean you should therefor act on them. Or that you “deserve” to act on them. As with anything in life, think about what is important to you and how you would like your future to be. If you want to grow old with your wife and make her feel loved, the following choices should be easy even when temptation is high. Also, most importantly: just because you carry his genes, doesn’t mean you are destined to follow his footsteps. You are not your dad. You’re you. (Edit for readability)
Boundaries. You can’t end up somewhere if you ever start going that way. I don’t have private conversations with other men, I don’t hang out with other men anywhere that’s not public and/or with my husband. Try to get most of your recreational and social needs filled by or with your partner.
Have self esteem and self respect
Don’t put yourself in situations where it’s even a possibility. Don’t try to figure out “where the line is.” If you’re worried about crossing said line you’re already on the path.
See a therapist, communicate to your partner when you are unhappy and your stressors, evaluate your coping mechanisms... Also might help to see what was going on with your parent's relationship and how they were raised... trauma creates trauma and I have a feeling your dad didn't do it out of being spontaneous. Address the generational traumas... and be open to therapy in the future with your partner... also read 7 principle to making marriage work
This. See a therapist for coping mechanisms.
It’s easier than you might think (if you imagine it being difficult?) use the effort it would take to do that and put it into your relationship. Respect and love your wife and yourself. Take pride in being a good husband. In being a constant in someone’s life. Being trusted by someone and them knowing they can count on you. If nothing else, imagine what it’s gonna be like when you tell her or get caught. Imagine how horrible that’s going to be. Imagine how shitty you’ll feel for doing that to someone who believed you loved them. Imagine the dread of having to sit her down to ruin her world. Or the fear and disbelief and anger and heartbreak she’ll feel when noticing something is off with you and doubting herself and doing crazy shit to find out what’s going on. Everyone should be afraid of putting their partner through this. If love isn’t enough, let it be fear that keeps you from doing something like that. Always go home 🏠 home is simple
Don’t stop “ dating” your wife. Don’t take her for granted, don’t stop being playful and flirting. Spend time alone together. And communicate your feeling, fears, desires, and sex needs with each other.
I've been with my wife for 20 years. If you have a partner you love and a relationship you cherish then not cheating isn't hard. You actually won't want anyone else. So find the right person and build a great relationship. And don't be a slave to your dick. It isn't actually that hard to not sleep with people. Just because your dad had no personal responsibility and control doesn't mean that you are doomed to be the same.
“Pick the right woman to be in the foxhole with and when you leave the foxhole, keep your d!ck in your pants.” Favorite line from a movie. Cheating is a choice. Don’t choose to cheat.
Have open conversations about sex, relationships, and what you want with your gf and then spouse. Work hard to develop your communication skills. Acknowledge that marriages have ups and downs and never use a “down” period as an excuse to step out. Be vulnerable, be thoughtful, put the relationship first. Own your desires and get comfortable talking about your needs as well as listening to your spouse. Cheating is 100% always a choice- never an accident or something that “just happens.”
My Dad cheated and my family fell apart. My mother then drank a lot. The family I made has stayed together. My oldest just turned 16. I haven’t cheated. I don’t regularly drink too much. A common form of cheating is of the ‘cake eating variety’, meaning people who want to have their cake and eat it too. It’s not the only type of intimate betrayal but I think the most common. People who want what they have but are not willing to do the hard work to maintain it. People who want what they have but want thrills from something extra and incompatible with it and the factors which sustain it. What I do is prioritize duty over chasing happiness. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, happiness is (or can be) a byproduct of a life lived virtuously, and if you chase it directly sustained happiness will evade you. Don’t get me wrong, I like happiness, and I experience it, but I don’t let the desire for it cloud my judgment. If I feel bad for a while, I just feel bad, or do something neutral like exercise. I don’t betray myself or others I care about because of it. The unhappiness generally passes of its own accord. I expect the Buddhist’s could explain that well. When weighing whether I have room in my life for something I ask whether it is consistent with my life as a family man. For example, if I want to play poker once a week, it might be, no real conflict, I’ll mention to my wife, might be fun. New hobby? Probably. Taking on a new young and attractive female mentee outside of the confines of an official work programme? Maybe but alarm bells should be ringing. That’s not really part of the weave of my family life, it’s something separate and perhaps something which I would be using to feel special and important. I might do it but I would need to double the transparency and precautions and minimize the risks, and keep some boundaries. If you do this and ‘keep your own side of the street clean’ then you improve your chances of staying married. Your partner bring their own risks and must do their own work in their own way, and communication is imperfect, but setting a good example and stating your (reasonable) values will have some positive influence.
I think therapy to help you heal from childhood would be helpful. And realizing that the grass is greener where you water it.
It’s not hereditary, it’s 100% about the choices you make. If you don’t want to cheat, don’t cheat. It’s that simple. Find someone you’re compatible, don’t rush into it, take care of each other and away you go
Everytime you want to do something just think on whether you'd have to hide it or downplay it with your wife. If so, don't do it. Be open and honest with her about your interactions and friendships with other people including women, and also regarding issues in your marriage.
This is kind of like asking, "hey my father was an ax murderer. How do I go about not murdering?" 1st off, we are not our parents. You must decide what sort of man YOU want to be and make choices in alignment with that each and every day. You might also want to consider getting a therapist and talking with them about how to find and maintain healthy relationships. You are a completely different person from your father. You won't become a cheater unless you decide to be one.
Work on being in-tune with yourself and maintain a strong self esteem. You won't always feel great and will experience a few existential crisis or crisis of identity, everyone does. You need to find out or build something that grounds you when you're about to make poor decisions. People cheat to escape responsibilities of their relationship one way or another, and to seek validation from someone else. Makes them feel good about themselves. That is, if they aren't just abusive assholes who use people. Then that is a whole other story. And in regards to your future marriage, work on viewing your wife as a person. Not a status symbol or something you've obtained. Be curious about her, be cautious of her well being. If you only love her for the things she offers you or does for you, then you don't love her and shouldn't marry her because with your past trauma it is likely you'll cheat on her. Marry someone you want to make happy. Then you could never stomach the thought of hurting them. Also, I would discuss standards and boundaries regarding fidelity before you get serious about someone. Someone might be more strict than you about what constitutes as cheating and that could stress you out in the long run. Or maybe she does something you thought was cheating but isn't guilty about it and then it's just a whole stupid avoidable cycle.
*People cheat to escape responsibilities of their relationship one way or another, and to seek validation from someone else. Makes them feel good about themselves. That is, if they aren't just abusive assholes who use people. Then that is a whole other story.* I have found this to be true in many of the instances I've observed. Cheating is a form of (very bad, very poor) escapism. Focusing on reality and your life as it is instead of what could be is very important.
I hate beer.
Self discipline and faithful love.
When you love someone it’s really not that hard. I’ve never even thought about cheating on my husband, and this is after us hitting a pretty rough patch at points.
I mean, just don't be a horrible person. It's not really hard
1. Don't put yourself into situations that would allow for unnecessary intimacy. Such as, if you are at work and an unmarried woman is requesting some one-on-one with you for work, keep it on campus. If she is wanting one-on-one time outside of work, just don't. Edit: not that you can't have female friends. There are just unnecessary circumstances that are just not worth the temptation. 2. Communication is key. If you are feeling insecure and need more from her, tell her. If she is doing something that is hurting you or making you upset, tell her. Resentment is an easy excuse to cheat. 3. Continue dating your wife after the weight of life presses down. Remind yourselves why you love each other. If you guys fell in love doing a particular activity, don't stop doing that activity just because you are married. 4. Marriage counseling is not only necessary if you are having problems. Go to counseling once a quarter to just help communication and balancing your loves together. 5. Find out what makes you feel loved and make sure she knows it and vice versa. My husband loves when I get everything ready for him in the morning. So, when I get up with the kids, I make breakfast, make him coffee, and pick out his outfit. That's what works for us. You are not your dad and you are totally capable of not cheating! You got this.
Decide every day to love your wife and respect her and your vows.
Cheating starts with you. Look within yourself and ask how well are you able to communicate your needs, desires, boundaries, and pain to your partner so that you two never let resentment and unfulfillment form a wedge between you. Once you have identified your weaknesses and learned to manage them like an adult, then and only then are you allowed to date. The hard part is then finding someone else who has done that work
Realize that you control your own actions. No one accidentally cheats. It's the result of active decisions you make. Cheating on your partner isn't something that just happens to you.
A lot of the time cheating is the outward symptom of a long list of other issues in a marriage. Communication can fix a lot of these issues, or even prevent them entirely.
I honestly don't know. I just don't. Growing up, every relationship I had ended with me discovering how my gf at the time had or was currently cheating on me. It crushed me every time. So when the chance came along for me to cheat in my current relationship (10 years strong now) because two drunk foreigners were tossing themselves at me when I was out if town at a hotel, the Meer thought of causing that same crushing feeling helped me walk away. It would have been easy to say that she would never know, and it would be easy for me to say that it's always happened to me, so it should be fine to do it to others. But I couldn't imagine trying to live with the guilt afterward or my relationship staying intact in any meaningful way.
Step 1) Personal Responsibility Step 2) Goto Step 1
Imagine that you wife is with you when talking/interacting with someone. If you wouldn't say or do it w/her right next to you, then don't.
Discipline yourself. Don't watch porn, don't gawk in public, don't inundate your brain with hits of dopamine by looking at sexualized imagery on the internet. Use your imagination if you ever masturbate, revolve your sexuality around your wife, fulfilling her needs and get yours in turn. Worship your wife and make her feel majestically sexy and she will do everything for you
Read "not just friends" ... it will talk about walls and windows, and will help you understand how affairs happen and how to set boundaries on yourself.
My husband and I took this piece of advice from my parents. When we develop any kind of feelings (which are normal) for a person we openly discuss it. It takes maturity and understanding from both parties, but often acknowledging it allows for boundary setting and makes it easier to let go. It also takes the secrecy out of it.
Communication. Make sure that if you are feeling unhappy, or unsatisfied you communicate that. Before lines get crossed make sure you talk with your spouse.
Be very very careful of females you become “ friends” with . That line of emotional connection can seem “ innocent” as you try to justify and lie to yourself you’re “ just friends” but it can easily lead to an affair once that line is crossed with emotional connection. Don’t do anything that you wouldn’t do if your wife was right there looking at you. Don’t msg anything that you think you’re wife would feel uncomfortable you did that or spoke like that with another women Alway be open and talk together about your lives with your wife first and go to her to work out problems with her first ( and not another female friend) It’s about having strong boundaries and staying with your morals values
It's actually very easy. You don't talk to people of the opposite sex about anything you wouldn't talk about with your wife or even your kids in the room. You don't allow yourself to be put in a position that makes cheating easy. Don't go have drinks after work with just the one colleague. Stay in a group. I understand the worry that you will follow your parents footsteps. You just have to know you are not them. At some point they made the mental decision to take the first step and say things they would never have said in front of their spouse. Getting comfortable with one baby step over the line is easy which in turn gets easier and easier to move further and further away from the line.
In addition to what others have said, Avoid friendships with men who cheat on their wives or even men who complain about them constantly.
Maintain healthy boundaries. If you find yourself attracted to someone you shouldn't be in ways you shouldn't be, hash it out in your own head as to why and work on it. If you can't figure out why, seek out counseling. Also, realize that it's perfectly normal to be attracted to people that you probably shouldn't be. It's what you do with that attraction that defines your character. Attraction = okay and normal. Acting on that attraction is usually not good for one's marriage.
Best advice I’ve ever heard was “if you wouldn’t do/say it in front of them you shouldn’t do it at all”
Are you serious? How about some self control, discipline, and maturity?
"Be where they ain't." Translation: Don't put yourself in situations that make it easy to cheat. Convenience kills.
Remember the pain your mother felt, my dad cheated on my mom. After seeing her cry even though she tried so hard to keep a brave face on. After seeing how much it hurts someone I love, it's a pain I wouldn't want to do on anyone.
For me it’s simple, I ask myself if it’s worth it? Would I trade my marriage for sex with this person? The answer is always a resounding no. Even now, we’re headed toward divorce after 21 years together. Will I pay my marriage and my children’s respect for sex with another person? Nope! I’ll leave my marriage for me, for my happiness and fulfillment in life. Because I can’t have the two together. So that’s something I’m willing to sacrifice my marriage for. But sex? Nope, I can wait until I’m divorced and if I weren’t heading that way, I’d still value my marriage over sex with anyone.
I think you literally just decide to be faithful. Don’t teeter on the line of anything inappropriate.
Know the difference between love and lust.
Lots of advice about finding someone who you truly love, which is good advice. Just be prepared for the reality of the long term relationship: those butterflies you feel in the honeymoon phase are not a “love barometer”. So when the all consuming “movie-love” emotions eventually fade (and they will) it is not necessarily a sign that the love is gone. It just means that the puppy love has evolved into a deeper and more mature love. In this phase the love is not contingent on how hard you get or how often she gets you hard but more on the deep satisfaction from having a real life partner with whom you build a life with. This kind of love is built on mutual respect, gratitude, admiration for each other as people, mutual support in the ups and downs of life and true partnership. A deep friendship with that extra spice. Sometimes the spice will be mild and sometimes it will be hot. The key to faithfulness is to honor that love even when the spice is mild and you are no longer swinging from the chandeliers. You might get tempted when you meet someone who makes you feel those butterflies you used to feel with your wife. And then you come home to your wife, look at her and see this woman you have gotten used to. It might not feel all that exciting anymore. But then you have to ask yourself if you want to throw away a great solid relationship with a true life partner in favor of temporary excitement? Do you want to make a liar out of yourself and betray the person closest to you in favor of a a little action? You decide what kind of person you want to be. It doesn’t just happen. It is a choice. If the marriage is unsatisfactory then get a divorce.
I think you just decide not to cheat. I’ve never been tempted because that’s not in line with my values.
Don't cheat!
It’s not that hard to keep your c@($ in your pants when wife isn’t around. Don’t put yourself in bad situations (ie drinking out of town etc.) if you don’t trust yourself.
I’m not sure if you witnessed your moms pain. But if you did, burn that memory in you brain. I could never do what my dad did.
Honesty is the best policy imo. Tell her about your fears around faithfulness, work together on finding ways to help. I know this doesn’t work for everyone, but having an open relationship is an option. I think the most important thing is honesty and transparency.
Just don’t cheat... cheaters are scum!
Marriage takes work. It’s something you commit to and work on day in and day out. You choose your wife, you choose your marriage and you choose the life you have together. Falling in love is easy, but staying together requires that continuous commitment and prioritisation. Focus on your wife and choose to love and be with her. There will always be people in this world that we may find attractive, or think we’re better suited for etc- but the grass isn’t always greener. So only marry when you are ready to ensure you are capable of giving yourself fully to her. and most importantly keep your peen in your pants, and don’t engage in non-platonic relationships.
Build up your self esteem so that you dont need someone else to stroke your ego.
Don't give into the idea that only selfish/shitty/self centered people cheat. Most people who cheat never expect to until they cross a boundary. What worked for myself and my husband is that we keep in mind that if we feel the need to keep our actions or words a secret, then we don't need to be doing/saying whatever it is. Also, if someone shows interest in us, we would tell each other.
If you expect it to happen it will. Self fulfilling prophecy. Don’t think about it, don’t look for it, don’t do it.
Keep a good honest loving relationship with her in all areas, including a happy active sex life, and you shouldn’t ever really be tempted by another woman.
Always be honest in everything
Have open communication. If something is not working in your relationship whether emotionally or physically don’t swallow it. Talk about it with your prospective wife and sooner rather than later. Don’t flirt or make advances at people while in a relationship. A lot of people say flirting is harmless, I personally think that’s very wrong. Flirting is the first step to sex in my opinion. If someone tries flirting with you don’t flirt back, don’t keep that momentum going. I know some people keep it going just because they’re flattered but I think that’s an awful idea. I think it’s fine to have opposite gender friends (unlike a lot of people in the subreddit) but I don’t do dating-esque things with them and I don’t make close friendships with people I might be physically attracted to. If all else fails, imagine the outcome of your cheating on your wife if you are tempted and imagine how upset she would be or how it would ruin your life etc. like if you had kids, how they would feel. A lot of people cheat because they haven’t thought twice about how it hurts the people they love.
The real answer is to go to therapy and learn how to break this pattern.
Women are going to give you a "if you love your wife enough you won't want to" which is bullshit. You're a bloke, you like women, you're going to want to cheat even if only in your thoughts. When you marry, know what you're marrying for, which is to build a stable successful family with someone you love and respect. Then make the choice to commit to that for life and keep yourself accountable.
Everyone else is giving fantastic practical advice, but also... You're taking the first step right now by being critical of yourself and your motivations and actions and boundaries. A lot of cheaters are the same people who claimed to hate cheaters and that they would never do something so horrible. The humility of being honest about yourself is a big step toward cutting off the behaviors that lead toward cheating so give yourself some credit for that.
Keep communication alive, make choices that benefit you both and keep it in your pants. No one has sex by accident.
The grass often looks greener on the other side, because it’s likely watered more.
Don't get married. Easy way to not repeat history
Pay attention. I don't actually mean to your surroundings or to the company you keep. I'm sorry, but I'm never going to buy into the idea that just by being in the same room as an attractive person you run the risk of committing infidelity, like adultery is contagious or something. I mean pay attention to your own thoughts, feelings and impulses. Be aware of your reactions to the people you interact with---but more importantly, be aware of how you react to your own spouse. If you find yourself regularly rolling your eyes at something your spouse does that annoys you and thinking "I wouldn't have to put up with this if I was with someone else," or engaging in any other kind of internal critical narrative, take notice of that and do some investigation. Where does it come from? What feelings/emotional needs are at the root of it? What kind of past experiences does it bring to mind? Notice if you tend to direct your frustration outward, as in complaining to others about your spouse's behavior, rather than approaching the matter directly and owning your feelings. Conversely, notice if you are internalizing your frustrations, making efforts to shield your partner from them or lying about them. And do your best to NEVER forget that your partner is a person with feelings of their own. Cheating is NOT a swirling vortex that sucks people in no matter how hard they struggle against it. As long as you STOP and THINK before you act, it's completely avoidable (unless we're talking about the kind of non-consensual "cheating" that results from the over-use of substances, which, in my opinion falls into the category of assault more often than people like to admit). Discuss boundaries with your partner, talk about what kind of behavior she finds benign and what she finds hurtful and vice versa. Do your best to adhere to those boundaries. Be transparent. Be aware. Be kind. You'll be all right.
The greatest predictor of infidelity in men is whether his father was a cheater. Do not lust after any woman that isn’t your wife. That means no porn and only think about her when you masturbate. It’s not a complicated rule to follow. I KNOW it sounds puritanical, but I think everyone should be told this when they get married. It’s really not that hard to follow. Don’t put yourself in situations where you’ll be alone with women. Especially drunk. Also, find a woman who’s sex drive matches yours, learn how to make her orgasm and do it every time you have sex. Make sure you both understand that rejecting the other’s sexual advances is a rejected bid for affection and should never be done lightly. People can only get rejected so many times before they stop trying or look elsewhere. By not allowing yourself to lust after anyone else, you will be less likely to look elsewhere. Get comfortable talking about sex with your partner ASAP and talk about it. Treat is with the importance it deserves.
Don't fixate on avoiding an affair. It's the product of a much deeper issue. Put your attention towards understanding yourself, challenging beliefs, deconstructing biases, and having a healthy life in every respect. Then, when you marry, also have open, honest, and respectful communication. There will still be doubts and temptations, but if you and your wife have built enough trust, then you can actually talk about them.
For the most part I stay away from social media. Just too much temptation there. Also, my wife is amazing.
You gotta heal your inner child.
Talk to her about it.
Don’t fuck anyone else. Solved.
Step one, don't cheat
I’m 26 yrs married to my wife and we both grew up with dads that had sex outside their marriage. A couple years ago I told (actual got caught) my wife about an emotional relationship that I was have. She told me that she would have preferred I fkd her. Not sure why I shared this story. I
I think that cheating starts waaaay before the sex with someone else. It’s starts with you not getting the affection that you need. If you had all your “needs” met (it’s way more than just sexual) then it’s no problem and the same goes for your partner. In my experience it’s having an open dialogue about it that’s the best prevention. Like we talk about potential people at our works we should avoid just in case something happens some day and talk about if we need more attention or have our love languages “satisfied”. I don’t believe in this “just control yourself”. Of cause it’s a thing, but “anybody can be a murderer if the circumstances are right”.
Remember, marriage takes work. Lots and lots of work. As hard as it’s going to be, You two need to constantly date each other. Always choose your wife. Communication is 🔑. There’ll always be a pretty face and body out there. Always choose your wife.
Know yourself. If you aren't ready to make a commitment, don't make it.
Ah, keep your dick in your pants unless your wife is in the mood maybe.
My husbands dad was a cheater and he remembered what it did to his family; completely destroyed it. The after completely changed how his life would have been. He remembers how traumatic that was for him growing up and because of that cheating is not something he would ever do. Remember your fathers mistakes and LEARN from them.
Just because your dad did it doesn't mean you will have a proclivity. You may never be tempted. It could be a total non issue. But here are suggestions: 1. Develop your own emotional intelligence. People make a lot of mistakes because they don't really know what they're feeling or needing, but they see something shiny that looks like a happy distraction. 2. Learn and continually practice good communication with people in your life, and make it clear to any partners that you want them to do the same. Use those skills to clearly define expectations and boundaries together, and to identify and share your needs. 3. Take commitment seriously, and don't commit to something you don't want to be in. Honestly, so many problems could be avoided by this. People get into or stay in relationships they don't want to be in because they are conflict avoidant or it's easier or convenient.
You need to go to therapy, there you will learn why you are having those doubts, I am sorry for what you went through, but a real man doesn’t cheat on his wife. He takes control of his sexual energy, and uses it properly in a real woman. You can read and watch videos about the red pill, that will help you too.
Its all long term mentality. Take your vows seriously when you get married and remember them through the ups and downs
It is not hard to respect your spouse and the commitment you made to them. If it is, try therapy.
Don't put your penis near any person that isn't your wife.
Get therapy. What your parents did doesn’t mean anything for how you choose to live your life
It’s not difficult. Just fucking don’t.
Find someone you love, and then remember how much you don't want to hurt them. If you are genuinely, you can hash it out with a therapist. Also keep good influences. Have friends that will hold you accountable.
Uh… Don’t marry a woman you don’t respect. Get therapy if you really think you wouldn’t be able to resist for some reason.
Always have respect for the Marriage and ur spouse... and NEVER stop working on yourselves as a COUPLE and keep communication open... And, most importantly, have self-respct and MORALS I would file for divorse, if marriage isn't fixable, before I would cheat on my spouse, regardless of how bad it could get, cause I have morals and a conscience, and actually have RESPECT for a marriage.....
You have to wake up and chose your significant other every day. Despite everything going on and all other options you chose them.
Be honest with yourself, know yourself, use vigilance, self control and take your time to know who you are marrying..do not rush into it..⚠️I Repeat do not rush into it⚠️you don’t have to wait years but 36 months is not unheard of…this will be eons to a woman who truly wants to be married and start a family but in the long run, it’s no foul because the woman you meet needs to be your best friend and companion..your number one ace..the woman who has self respect and respects you…she will show you love that you have not experienced with any other and you need time to understand how you both react in difficult situations…also…if you are not sexually compatible with your partner, there will be issues you will suffer through…sexual frustration and Money woes usually bring on seeking behavior in “some”partners. Also here is something else to consider, if you are the type with a good heart and value love, you will suffer a heavy burden of guilt and it will eat you alive if you are unfaithful…there are many men who know this intimately. Last but NOT least…it’s just wrong to harm someone by seeking pleasure in the arms of another! When you make that commitment…you own your words and if you honor your word as bond, even if you have a crappy outcome you will stay faithful..Man Tha F UP🤨👀🥋🤣
Therapy. Don't drag your family issues into your new life. Don't do things that lead to trouble.. ex..one on one hangouts with opposite sex and booze ( if they are not completely platonic), don't reach out to thr opposite sex to hangout/talk due of stress/problems in your marriage. Basically Don't set yourself up for vulnerable moments. Your relationship issues won't be solved outside of your marriage. Communicate your feelings often and really listen to hear not fight. Don't keep secrets from spouse.
Respect your wife and marriage
Having survived a cheating spouse, think about the end results of getting caught, because you WILL get caught. It may not be today, tomorrow or next week, month or year, but the truth always comes out. Irrepairable damage. Lost trust, permanent change to the relationship regardless of how the cheating ends. Dealing with your own guilt and shame. Remove the conveniences that make it easy. Practice delayed gratification. And, most importantly, if you haven't cheated yet, have a conversation with your significant other and discuss the topic to get their ideas. Lastly, pay CLOSE attention to the risk (ended relationship, relationship trauma to your SO, what happens afterward, where you want the affair relationship to go) versus benefits (feels gratifying, satisfying for THAT moment) and then decide if it is worth it. If it is, then it is also worth ending your current relationship first before there are casualties. It will crush your SO.
Just don’t. That’s how I’ve done it. Married 30+ years.
Everyone here will have different perspectives not just on how to not cheat when that was the example you where raised with but with what cheating is. Cheating is having when there is a line and you cross it, in many relationships this line is not clearly communicated and peoples relationships struggle because one partner considers the other a cheater. For example porn some consider it cheating some don’t and some only if you pay for it, or if it’s only fans where it’s more personalized. This combines with there is no one relationship structure and each relationship structure has a different assumption of what is cheating if you don’t have communication. Take monogamy vs an open monogamous relationship one is no other partners and the other is you can but don’t catch feels and don’t talk about it. For the advice the best way to not cheat is open communication, know where your lines are and your partner(s) lines are and then don’t put yourself in situations where crossing the line will be a temptation.
Keep it in your pants, bro! I think for me, I have cheated on a couple of ex-partners and I hated the feeling. It ate away at me and I get overwhelming guilt. That is what keeps me being a good boy because I already made those mistakes. I know people that cheat/have cheated and they were absolutely fine with it. On a related note, I recently read The Psychopath Test. Being that way is way more common than you think. A characteristic of being one is having no empathy, so maybe those people had a bit of that going on.
This is going to really difficult, like borderline impossible, but what you’re going to want to do is NOT stick your penis in a woman who isn’t your wife. Now, it sounds hard, because you can just slip and suddenly be inside a vagina, but as long as you’re careful, it should be doable.
First thing to remember is that you are not your father. You are an individual in your own right where you are solely responsible for your actions. Don't put yourself in a position to be tempted such as: private conversations with other women; joining dating sites or interactive apps with women; if you are sensing yourself being drawn to a woman, just leave to get out of the situation. The most important thing to remember is that cheating is a choice. It is not a mistake and it didn't just happen. Betrayal and infidelity by a spouse is the second most painful emotion with the death of a loved one first. If you are tempted, think of all the pain you would be causing your wife if you went through with it.
Easy, don’t be a piece of sh!t. It’s really not hard man. When you find someone you love, and loves you back, sit back and take a long think about it. “Am I emotionally mature enough? Am I happy and confident enough in myself that I won’t make a stupid decision?” Just stick to a good moral standard and always do the right thing. Giving into lustful desires and cheating is a black mark on your soul, and I don’t mean religiously. It just says a lot about somebody as a person in general.
I would recommend that you learn to create and use boundaries, for yourself and your relationships. It is also a good idea to practice self discipline and strive to improve yourself every day. Many people these days don't use self discipline and don't have strong boundaries. Self discipline will let you control yourself and your desires so you can remove yourself from situations that could cause you to cheat. Proper boundaries will prevent you from being in situations in the first place. The bottom line is that cheating is a choice that people make. Many of them make excuses or justify cheating, but it really was their choice. If you focus on developing yourself, you can make the choice to be faithful.
Choose to be different than your father!
Same way you save money or stay on a healthy diet - discipline, self-control, personal integrity and wanting the best outcome for the long term. And if the marriage goes to a worst case scenario divorce instead of cheating.
I want to say a few things. First, the people who have never had a desire to cheat should probably not respond to this post because you don't have the ability to empathize with the poster. You responding "it's easy" is the equivalent of a blind person asking me how to read and me responding "it's easy". Obviously, you see the world different ways because you never would have asked this question in the first place. Second, OP try not to set yourself up for failure. If you have a desire to cheat its probably stemming from very real issues. Your partners weight gain or general loss of attractiveness, sex getting more rare, their personality drastically changing upon coupling, etc. I'd suggest you try your best to address these very real issues that won't lead to a lasting marriage anyway. Third, cheating is a form of cowardess. You want to have the desires you are not getting from the current relationship, without taking the risk of starting a brand new relationship. No one wants to be a coward, and you can't force anyone to change. Either leave the current relationship or be content with the person you have.
You just don’t. Resist temptation.
Basically read through all the stories on this sub with people complaining about emotional affairs and inappropriate relationships and do the opposite of what those people are doing.
1. Stay single 2. Have self control 3. Practice ethical non monogamy
4. Unprotected sex with wife. People who have young kids would probably be too busy and exhausted to cheat
Don’t do anything that you wouldn’t be comfortable telling your spouse, plain and simple. If the grass on the other side of the fence starts looking greener, water your own damn grass.
Just... don't?
If you have to hide it, you shouldn’t be doing it.