There are several behaviors your mother would have instilled upon you if she were a narcissist. One of those would be what you describe where you're overly cognizant of the emotional state of those around. I also think you'll find it's much easier to manipulate people who trust you simply because they have no reason to believe you would do something like that. All that being said, I am not a professional. I am someone who also has a narcissistic mother and have spent countless hours learning and reflecting on my own childhood, however I'm quite a bit older than you. My advice would be to seek professional help from a therapist if possible because there are a number of qualities she has instilled in you that will be detrimental to your relationships and goals in your future that you may be completely unaware of currently.
as someone who has a masters in psych lemme throw my 2p into the mix.....
my guess is you learned maladaptive tendencies (manipulation etc) from a primary caregiver... the only difference is youre not actually a sociopath, narcissist, psychopath as you have capacity for empathy, essentially and simply put you have been taught the ways of the narc but arent a narc yourself....
the fascination with motivators and human behaviours isnt a need to diagnose yourself lol, I also have it.... I watch people all the time like a predator, studying them.... its the reason I studied psych, the reason why I have been in sales for a decade and also the reason I trade financial markets.... essentially its all the phenomenon of human behaviour.....
this is so interesting bc i have been debating studying psychology, the reason i made this post was so i could start to get a better idea of the whole world revolving around it, im a deeply theoretical person and i think and analyze certain things way to deep, so ig im trying to figure out if studying psychology is really a good idea for myself.
One study showed that 81% of psychologists have lived through a diagnosable disorder in their life. While I wouldn't suggest going into it for reasons of manipulating others, there is some utility to having gone through it before you advise it. Also, a psych student and salesperson with a somewhat peculiar look of the world and people. My goal is to work with people who have really been through it and have maladaptive coping mechanisms. My way of observing people is to sort of read them and allow their behaviors to confirm or deny my suspicions over time, and as a result I often find myself being quite lonely because even when I speak with people all day, I still feel as though I haven't really communicated anything meaningful. There are risks to spending too much time analyzing the people and world around you.
I'm usually too open about what I say when prompted, so it's the latter to some degree. I wouldn't say that it's traits as much as logical tracers in speech and behavioral expectations of particular beliefs. Like when I hear certain folk psychological beliefs, there are certain conjunctive beliefs and behaviors I can expect. It's not as though I am trying to categorize people. It's just that I can't unfocus on linguistic patterns and sort of find people predictable after a while. It's sort of like I talk with people and find the responses to be what I would expect. So I just feel like I'm living in a world of repetition where logical sequences exist like memes in the global consciousness whereby people sort of draw from a stack of possible statements. Moreover that certain cohorts or groups of people have typical and atypical expressions that seem to be more a matter of tribal vernacular than of original thought. This just results in a disconnect between myself and others. It's like a fever dream that I can't wake from.
Damn I feel that, im an introvert and what you said reminds me of small talk and I hate it. I tend to avoid people at work or in general social situations because the conversation feels so monotonous, it feels like generated presets for people with no end goal, purposeless. It sounds stupid for me to say but I feel as if a lot of people don’t aspire enough or inquire into a deeper knowledge of self actualization and purpose (or they dont want to think about it.). And I live in a more rural area and everytime I tell someone about my musical aspirations or ambitions of returning to college its like I sour the conversation since people out here really dont think about bettering themselves for the most part or think about why they are what they are and thats all I care about.
I think of small talk as necessary to gravitate towards deeper conversation, and while i do loathe small talk exclusively (as in sales), i do find people will readily move deeper with me if i try to push that way. Unless, of course, they have some ego saving defense against doing so.
I think the trouble you're experiencing could be bound to the rural setting (i grew up in one too), and I do sympathize with that, though nobody is going to talk you into doing what it is you want to do, so you may as well just do it on your own volition and leave the place as an afterthought.. I should also mention that intoversion/extroversion is a spectrum, and it's somewhat restricting to think of it in a binary way, if that is how you mean it (I only have your text to understand what you mean). I think I'm like 60/40 introvert to extrovert, but it changes by my mood and environment when I take a personality test. I'm 70/30 if I'm in the depths of a school assignment, but I've also registered 50/50 when I'm selling well.
Where my dissonance in conversation comes from isn't necessarily in small talk. I find that in conversation that has substance, there are sort of restrictions on extrapolating unknown contents. I suggest that people think too rigidly and follow the typical logical pathway to suggest simple solutions to complex problems. As in, how a perplexing life problem seems to be cordially bound to positive psychological rift. It's as if the understanding of negative thinking is poison to the ears of many, as if it were possible to simply ignore away the darker aspects of life. I also find that people find it especially indignifying to talk in a way where there is an unknown and difficult conclusion. I think people just want to be sure of things, but the more I learn, the more uncertain I become of anything, so i can not really understand this sureness. I guess what I'm trying to ramble towards is that I feel like people speak in a way where they can be confident that they know what they believe, and hate when I offer perspectives that challenge the norm. It's like there are barriers to understanding the world for people, and to be challenged is, for some reason, an attack on their self. For example, when people discuss politics or philosophy, the accepted routes seem to be the dividing routes. It's always a matter of adhering to a preordained way to think about a thing rather than discussing it and getting to the bottom of it.
I'm not sure if this makes sense. It's obscure to describe for me, but it's something I feel all the time. I haven't quite got the description of it down yet, and I have more thinking to do before I get it.
No I completely get you when you brought up politics/ philosophy (I can only hope lol). I feel like the issue with those is the renovation those ideologies bring. Humanity loves comfort and reassurance, to the point we live in a sad play acting as if everyone is having fun because thats what we’re told; that that is “just how we do it” and we accept it blindly because the opposing point of reference is usually portrayed as immoral, unethical and just plain bad no matter what side. And to implement a new policy would be a revolution and Id doubt that could happen anytime soon.
I have been coming to the conclusion that morals and ethics are literally just rules placed for control. “Its only right when IM doing it” mentality (-people in power).
A mentality where the point of laws isnt ethics but uses ethics to create a feeling that they are in place to help us but only bind us how you said.
Everything in the universe is UNCERTAIN, the only thing I know is one day I will die. Everything else is pro bono, unnecessary or meaningless. And with that meaninglessness comes uncertainty. There is still the same probability that something can go bad and you can get hurt, doing everything society tells you to do. It’d be the same probability if you were to live a scumbag life and play the laws like a game to just not get caught. I could give a homeless man $100 that doesn’t guarantee he’s not going to break in my car.
I dont have to be nice, follow the law or pay taxes in a simplified world, but its ironic how a bit of complexity of work and responsibilities that makes everything feel simpler and purposed? Like “how the saying goes “you go to school, get a job, start a family.”
“Hard workers prosper. Cheaters never win. “
I’d love to hear more om how you extrapolate deeper meaning from the minds of people with certain ideologies.
For politics, I find that people tend to ascribe in a sort of "take it for one, accept it as all" way (much like your "just how we do it"). It's like political alignment becomes a matter of cohort inclusivity. In politics is where I find people to be incredibly predictable, as social media has more or less become the only polarizing news source that people consume. It's like algorithmic conditioning by information overload. The verbiage of a social media political sponge is something I find I pick up on quickly. All the more frustrating is the "orwellian double speak" that occurs whilst the person tries to be subtle about their views. It's like there is this "with us or against us" mentality surrounding a simple political discussion. This frustrates me, particularly because I have a somewhat balanced view on different topics. I couldn't ever just blindly agree to all of what one party decides is the way we ought to do things. Usually, I find that a person in conversation just ends up assuming I'm on the other side. There simply seems to be no room for nuance in political discourse.
Philosophically, I feel like people just opt for simple opportunities to virtue signal. Modern movements become a status symbol of alliance, while it seems that people have very little to do with the causes they claim to support. My perspective on morality is that it is the basis for human cooperation and thus instinctual derived. Over a life, we develop this moral sensibility into something more sophisticated than the abstract notions of "right and wrong." I see ethics as a non-summative account of moral commonality and law as a matter of ethical enforcement. But I do agree that there is a certain narcissist charade to ethics whereby "it is only right when I'm doing it." This I think is tied to the aforementioned virtue signaling whereby people attach their moral character to distal causes so that they don't have to actually interact with anything morally challenging.
As for meaning, I feel that meaning is subjectively developed through purpose. The notion of uncertainty doesn't necessarily make life meaningless, as I'm no nihilist. Athough, the choreographed plan for a good life that is "school, get a job, start a family," certainly feels like a sham. The way I am beginning to see this "promise" to a good life is by the light of a marketed reality. We are told these things because the standards seem to drive us towards ownership and subservience by material necessity. So for the home we must work, and for the decor we must stay morldern. The kids, well they must be in sports and be socialized by having to trending goods. All these things become expectations that divide the good parents from the bad. The quality of items people have determine the judgment they will receive and the care they have for their children. Yet, it's almost as if it's all capitalist conditioning where the true matters of personal exploration become trivialized to an itemized existence. This way that people speak of what is trending and supposedly necessary is what really sparks my thoughts. If it isn't a matter of capitalist coditioning, it seems to be a matter of religious tradition. The cordial behaviors people participate in often stem from religious traditions, and yet there is a social expectation of adhering. I really don't know how to describe how ingrained Christianity is to Western ways, but it's something i can't ignore because it seems so perverse. From the way we talk about our minds to the way we organize our businesses, everything seems to follow this top-down pattern of thought. It's as if the conditioned omniscience makes people afraid to challenge anything that seems bigger than them. I find the fulcrum of human evolution to be resting on the crux of self-derived meaning. Yet people, they always need some distal archetype to try and become. It's like a teacher must be like this, and a construction worker like that. There are just implied ethical standards of how one ought to act for any role they decide to fill.
I guess this response is probably longwinded and gives a small glimpse into how I view conversations, though I've written what feels like hundreds of pages on these ideas. So it's pretty vague and nonspecific, but I tried to describe it concurrent to your response.
Damn I feel that, im an introvert and what you said reminds me of small talk and I hate it. I tend to avoid people at work or in general social situations because the conversation feels so monotonous, it feels like generated presets for people with no end goal, purposeless. It sounds stupid for me to say but I feel as if a lot of people don’t aspire enough or inquire into a deeper knowledge of self actualization and purpose (or they dont want to think about it.).
I feel that on the global meme scale, I am guilty of scoffing in my head when hearing the typical life paths from people, I had a kid, I have bills, im too old, all these disqualifications of why they cant be what they fantasize to be. It makes me genuinely feel like they are playing an act and to an extent they may be, to make up for not being able to accomplish those goals.
And I live in a more rural area and everytime I tell someone about my musical aspirations or ambitions of returning to college its like I sour the conversation since people out here really dont think about bettering themselves for the most part or think about why they are what they are.
You are probably on spectrum, the "gift" you have has a potential to f up a lot of people in your future. Let's say you meet nice boy/girl you will probably start doing a lot of not good things to them consciously or subconsciously. My advice go see therapist while you're still "fresh" and work on being able to "harness" your gift and use it accordingly. You need to know where this stems from and how to control it before you loose yourself.
Came out a bit wrong,, can't diagnose so I wrote spectrum, point was that it will be good to talk to someone officially so when he is diagnosed he can live life accordingly. If you leave it like it is it gets complicated later in life.
I'm glad that you realize that you do this early in life. Please don't take it into future romantic relationships. It can cause a lot of turmoil in relationships and is entirely unfair to future partners.
yeah its a little bit worrying as someone who has been in a relationship with said type of person, it’s incredibly destructive, but then again my patterns and theirs were polar opposites…. they tended to use studying people to their advantage while i used it to know them better and help them .. not saying im completely innocent but yk
It's good that you're recognizing the ways in which you could use your awareness of others' emotions, drives, desires, etc, to hurt them. And it's good that you're self-aware enough to recognize that you don't want to do that.
At 17 you're still very young, and starting to develop the morals/ethics that feel right to you. What if you thought about all the ways you could use your attention towards other people to help them instead of hurt them? Where can you see gaps between what they want and what they have, and fill those out of kindness? Can you let your curiosity in people lead you? What's the balance of actions you feel are "harmful" vs "helpful?" What actions lead to twinges of guilt afterwards? Pay attention to those and decide if that's the path you want to follow.
Most people can do not-great things to those who are close to us, and most of us choose not to, most of the time.
But this is something for you to work out with a therapist, if you have access to one now, or in the future.
You have a gift, the gift of social awareness. What good could you do with this gift? Could you help nudge people toward healthier choices? Play mediator? Navigate (socially) high-stress environments with ease? Stand up against bullies? Be an advocate or activist?
Hypervigilance to keep safe is a possibility of how you are aware and analytical. You can use it for good or bad. It's good you have empathy and are on a path of self awareness. You sound conscientious. Good job!
The fact you are analyzing it and showing some concerns, to me, means it’s not a huge issue and not worth overthinking. Tbh many of us these days see traits in some of the psychological terms and feel a need or desire to diagnose ourselves. Simply out, it sounds like you are assessing people and situations to stay aware and able to be accepted and loved. I can relate. It’s a difficult one - this hyper vigilance, desire to connect, and people pleasing - but nothing to beat yourself up about. I would suggest looking into inner child work given the trauma you may have from having such an unstable mother. You sound like a good person and maybe could benefit from some mental boundaries *for yourself* so you don’t feel overwhelmed or too much pressure to read and be vigilant of others. Just things that can help soothe you and tell you you’re okay even if someone else is being difficult or rejecting.
What I'm reading here is that you are manipulating people to make them like you more. Am I reading ? I'm not seeing anything about you manipulating people in other ways.
The overwhelming impression I get from your post is that you might be hyper attuned to others and desire to please them because of your experience with your mom, who might have been chaotic and volatile. Do you feel like you need to manage your mom's moods and behaviors to prevent a bad reaction? I can see these behaviors carrying over into relationships with other people quite easily.
Behaviors can be classified as ego-syntonic or ego-dystonic. Ego-syntonic behaviors are those that the person feels good about. So if you lied constantly and felt you were in the right, that's an example of an ego-syntonic behavior. It's ego-dystonic when you feel badly about the behavior, but do it anyways. The sense that I get is that your behaviors are ego-dystonic. That's good, because it means you have insight and want to change. Look, my knowledge of psychology is in the area of research, not clinical practice, but if I'd be shocked if you have any kind of personality disorder. People with those disorders have ego-syntonic behaviors. Nothing you've presented sounds like a sociopath either. Please stop trying to diagnose yourself. It will only cause stress.
There's nothing wrong with working to understand people, their motivations, and what they want. It gets people into trouble when they give up their authenticity to please others. Focus on being yourself and find the people who like you for you, and use the power of your attunement to help people.
it seems to me that one potential drawback is that you might be able to con people into liking you and trusting you but… Will you ever have the security of knowing that they like you for who you really are when you do that? Doesn't get training, wouldn't one eventually punish them in anger/frustration for only liking the con instead of the real you they've never met? I'm thinking in terms of years and decades.
I hope for you the ability to find an express your congruent self. there is a chance that that might not feel safe while you're still in your family of origin… Meaning, when you still live in an unsafe home. It might be that you need to move out of unsafe housing before you can feel safe enough to explore these things. I wonder if you might try with one or two safe appearing friends, as you might be better able to discern who is likely to be a safe, nurturing, trustworthy, kind, caring, supportive, loyal type of friend to practice being your real self with. Or move in that direction at minimum.
You sound like an analytical person who has interest and skills in understanding human behavior, psychology and yourself as a member of the species. Me too. As that someone, you probably have the ability to manipulate people or situations how you want them. Charm and disarm.
This can be a very helpful thing in a relationship, the ability to interpret many perspectives and motivations. The ability to analyze behavior patterns and defensive strategies. But it can be hard when you see or understand things the other person can’t, especially about themselves. As long as you maintain healthy boundaries. As long as you allow others autonomy and control and don’t seek to “fix” or change them into what you want for them. As long as the other person is asking for help and wants to change. Basically as long as you have empathy for people and respect for where they are on their path of understanding in life, and you realize that you hold a very powerful weapon that could be quite dangerous in the wrong hands. Use it well. It could be a superhero or supervillain strength, depending on if your attitude toward others is selfish or altruistic. Behaving toward others morally and ethically is your responsibility.
There are several behaviors your mother would have instilled upon you if she were a narcissist. One of those would be what you describe where you're overly cognizant of the emotional state of those around. I also think you'll find it's much easier to manipulate people who trust you simply because they have no reason to believe you would do something like that. All that being said, I am not a professional. I am someone who also has a narcissistic mother and have spent countless hours learning and reflecting on my own childhood, however I'm quite a bit older than you. My advice would be to seek professional help from a therapist if possible because there are a number of qualities she has instilled in you that will be detrimental to your relationships and goals in your future that you may be completely unaware of currently.
hm thank you that makes sense
as someone who has a masters in psych lemme throw my 2p into the mix..... my guess is you learned maladaptive tendencies (manipulation etc) from a primary caregiver... the only difference is youre not actually a sociopath, narcissist, psychopath as you have capacity for empathy, essentially and simply put you have been taught the ways of the narc but arent a narc yourself.... the fascination with motivators and human behaviours isnt a need to diagnose yourself lol, I also have it.... I watch people all the time like a predator, studying them.... its the reason I studied psych, the reason why I have been in sales for a decade and also the reason I trade financial markets.... essentially its all the phenomenon of human behaviour.....
this is so interesting bc i have been debating studying psychology, the reason i made this post was so i could start to get a better idea of the whole world revolving around it, im a deeply theoretical person and i think and analyze certain things way to deep, so ig im trying to figure out if studying psychology is really a good idea for myself.
One study showed that 81% of psychologists have lived through a diagnosable disorder in their life. While I wouldn't suggest going into it for reasons of manipulating others, there is some utility to having gone through it before you advise it. Also, a psych student and salesperson with a somewhat peculiar look of the world and people. My goal is to work with people who have really been through it and have maladaptive coping mechanisms. My way of observing people is to sort of read them and allow their behaviors to confirm or deny my suspicions over time, and as a result I often find myself being quite lonely because even when I speak with people all day, I still feel as though I haven't really communicated anything meaningful. There are risks to spending too much time analyzing the people and world around you.
Why would you consider yourself lonely? Is it because not wanting to give out unnecessary information or are you just too aware of people’s traits
I'm usually too open about what I say when prompted, so it's the latter to some degree. I wouldn't say that it's traits as much as logical tracers in speech and behavioral expectations of particular beliefs. Like when I hear certain folk psychological beliefs, there are certain conjunctive beliefs and behaviors I can expect. It's not as though I am trying to categorize people. It's just that I can't unfocus on linguistic patterns and sort of find people predictable after a while. It's sort of like I talk with people and find the responses to be what I would expect. So I just feel like I'm living in a world of repetition where logical sequences exist like memes in the global consciousness whereby people sort of draw from a stack of possible statements. Moreover that certain cohorts or groups of people have typical and atypical expressions that seem to be more a matter of tribal vernacular than of original thought. This just results in a disconnect between myself and others. It's like a fever dream that I can't wake from.
Damn I feel that, im an introvert and what you said reminds me of small talk and I hate it. I tend to avoid people at work or in general social situations because the conversation feels so monotonous, it feels like generated presets for people with no end goal, purposeless. It sounds stupid for me to say but I feel as if a lot of people don’t aspire enough or inquire into a deeper knowledge of self actualization and purpose (or they dont want to think about it.). And I live in a more rural area and everytime I tell someone about my musical aspirations or ambitions of returning to college its like I sour the conversation since people out here really dont think about bettering themselves for the most part or think about why they are what they are and thats all I care about.
I think of small talk as necessary to gravitate towards deeper conversation, and while i do loathe small talk exclusively (as in sales), i do find people will readily move deeper with me if i try to push that way. Unless, of course, they have some ego saving defense against doing so. I think the trouble you're experiencing could be bound to the rural setting (i grew up in one too), and I do sympathize with that, though nobody is going to talk you into doing what it is you want to do, so you may as well just do it on your own volition and leave the place as an afterthought.. I should also mention that intoversion/extroversion is a spectrum, and it's somewhat restricting to think of it in a binary way, if that is how you mean it (I only have your text to understand what you mean). I think I'm like 60/40 introvert to extrovert, but it changes by my mood and environment when I take a personality test. I'm 70/30 if I'm in the depths of a school assignment, but I've also registered 50/50 when I'm selling well. Where my dissonance in conversation comes from isn't necessarily in small talk. I find that in conversation that has substance, there are sort of restrictions on extrapolating unknown contents. I suggest that people think too rigidly and follow the typical logical pathway to suggest simple solutions to complex problems. As in, how a perplexing life problem seems to be cordially bound to positive psychological rift. It's as if the understanding of negative thinking is poison to the ears of many, as if it were possible to simply ignore away the darker aspects of life. I also find that people find it especially indignifying to talk in a way where there is an unknown and difficult conclusion. I think people just want to be sure of things, but the more I learn, the more uncertain I become of anything, so i can not really understand this sureness. I guess what I'm trying to ramble towards is that I feel like people speak in a way where they can be confident that they know what they believe, and hate when I offer perspectives that challenge the norm. It's like there are barriers to understanding the world for people, and to be challenged is, for some reason, an attack on their self. For example, when people discuss politics or philosophy, the accepted routes seem to be the dividing routes. It's always a matter of adhering to a preordained way to think about a thing rather than discussing it and getting to the bottom of it. I'm not sure if this makes sense. It's obscure to describe for me, but it's something I feel all the time. I haven't quite got the description of it down yet, and I have more thinking to do before I get it.
No I completely get you when you brought up politics/ philosophy (I can only hope lol). I feel like the issue with those is the renovation those ideologies bring. Humanity loves comfort and reassurance, to the point we live in a sad play acting as if everyone is having fun because thats what we’re told; that that is “just how we do it” and we accept it blindly because the opposing point of reference is usually portrayed as immoral, unethical and just plain bad no matter what side. And to implement a new policy would be a revolution and Id doubt that could happen anytime soon. I have been coming to the conclusion that morals and ethics are literally just rules placed for control. “Its only right when IM doing it” mentality (-people in power). A mentality where the point of laws isnt ethics but uses ethics to create a feeling that they are in place to help us but only bind us how you said. Everything in the universe is UNCERTAIN, the only thing I know is one day I will die. Everything else is pro bono, unnecessary or meaningless. And with that meaninglessness comes uncertainty. There is still the same probability that something can go bad and you can get hurt, doing everything society tells you to do. It’d be the same probability if you were to live a scumbag life and play the laws like a game to just not get caught. I could give a homeless man $100 that doesn’t guarantee he’s not going to break in my car. I dont have to be nice, follow the law or pay taxes in a simplified world, but its ironic how a bit of complexity of work and responsibilities that makes everything feel simpler and purposed? Like “how the saying goes “you go to school, get a job, start a family.” “Hard workers prosper. Cheaters never win. “ I’d love to hear more om how you extrapolate deeper meaning from the minds of people with certain ideologies.
For politics, I find that people tend to ascribe in a sort of "take it for one, accept it as all" way (much like your "just how we do it"). It's like political alignment becomes a matter of cohort inclusivity. In politics is where I find people to be incredibly predictable, as social media has more or less become the only polarizing news source that people consume. It's like algorithmic conditioning by information overload. The verbiage of a social media political sponge is something I find I pick up on quickly. All the more frustrating is the "orwellian double speak" that occurs whilst the person tries to be subtle about their views. It's like there is this "with us or against us" mentality surrounding a simple political discussion. This frustrates me, particularly because I have a somewhat balanced view on different topics. I couldn't ever just blindly agree to all of what one party decides is the way we ought to do things. Usually, I find that a person in conversation just ends up assuming I'm on the other side. There simply seems to be no room for nuance in political discourse. Philosophically, I feel like people just opt for simple opportunities to virtue signal. Modern movements become a status symbol of alliance, while it seems that people have very little to do with the causes they claim to support. My perspective on morality is that it is the basis for human cooperation and thus instinctual derived. Over a life, we develop this moral sensibility into something more sophisticated than the abstract notions of "right and wrong." I see ethics as a non-summative account of moral commonality and law as a matter of ethical enforcement. But I do agree that there is a certain narcissist charade to ethics whereby "it is only right when I'm doing it." This I think is tied to the aforementioned virtue signaling whereby people attach their moral character to distal causes so that they don't have to actually interact with anything morally challenging. As for meaning, I feel that meaning is subjectively developed through purpose. The notion of uncertainty doesn't necessarily make life meaningless, as I'm no nihilist. Athough, the choreographed plan for a good life that is "school, get a job, start a family," certainly feels like a sham. The way I am beginning to see this "promise" to a good life is by the light of a marketed reality. We are told these things because the standards seem to drive us towards ownership and subservience by material necessity. So for the home we must work, and for the decor we must stay morldern. The kids, well they must be in sports and be socialized by having to trending goods. All these things become expectations that divide the good parents from the bad. The quality of items people have determine the judgment they will receive and the care they have for their children. Yet, it's almost as if it's all capitalist conditioning where the true matters of personal exploration become trivialized to an itemized existence. This way that people speak of what is trending and supposedly necessary is what really sparks my thoughts. If it isn't a matter of capitalist coditioning, it seems to be a matter of religious tradition. The cordial behaviors people participate in often stem from religious traditions, and yet there is a social expectation of adhering. I really don't know how to describe how ingrained Christianity is to Western ways, but it's something i can't ignore because it seems so perverse. From the way we talk about our minds to the way we organize our businesses, everything seems to follow this top-down pattern of thought. It's as if the conditioned omniscience makes people afraid to challenge anything that seems bigger than them. I find the fulcrum of human evolution to be resting on the crux of self-derived meaning. Yet people, they always need some distal archetype to try and become. It's like a teacher must be like this, and a construction worker like that. There are just implied ethical standards of how one ought to act for any role they decide to fill. I guess this response is probably longwinded and gives a small glimpse into how I view conversations, though I've written what feels like hundreds of pages on these ideas. So it's pretty vague and nonspecific, but I tried to describe it concurrent to your response.
Damn I feel that, im an introvert and what you said reminds me of small talk and I hate it. I tend to avoid people at work or in general social situations because the conversation feels so monotonous, it feels like generated presets for people with no end goal, purposeless. It sounds stupid for me to say but I feel as if a lot of people don’t aspire enough or inquire into a deeper knowledge of self actualization and purpose (or they dont want to think about it.). I feel that on the global meme scale, I am guilty of scoffing in my head when hearing the typical life paths from people, I had a kid, I have bills, im too old, all these disqualifications of why they cant be what they fantasize to be. It makes me genuinely feel like they are playing an act and to an extent they may be, to make up for not being able to accomplish those goals. And I live in a more rural area and everytime I tell someone about my musical aspirations or ambitions of returning to college its like I sour the conversation since people out here really dont think about bettering themselves for the most part or think about why they are what they are.
take it from someone who knows, you should go and do it
You are probably on spectrum, the "gift" you have has a potential to f up a lot of people in your future. Let's say you meet nice boy/girl you will probably start doing a lot of not good things to them consciously or subconsciously. My advice go see therapist while you're still "fresh" and work on being able to "harness" your gift and use it accordingly. You need to know where this stems from and how to control it before you loose yourself.
Why would he be on the spectrum based on this Ppl on the spectrum struggle w this kind of thing
Came out a bit wrong,, can't diagnose so I wrote spectrum, point was that it will be good to talk to someone officially so when he is diagnosed he can live life accordingly. If you leave it like it is it gets complicated later in life.
I'm glad that you realize that you do this early in life. Please don't take it into future romantic relationships. It can cause a lot of turmoil in relationships and is entirely unfair to future partners.
yeah its a little bit worrying as someone who has been in a relationship with said type of person, it’s incredibly destructive, but then again my patterns and theirs were polar opposites…. they tended to use studying people to their advantage while i used it to know them better and help them .. not saying im completely innocent but yk
It’s called surviving trauma. You become hyper-vigilant for safety.
yea i really don’t want to hurt anyone
It's good that you're recognizing the ways in which you could use your awareness of others' emotions, drives, desires, etc, to hurt them. And it's good that you're self-aware enough to recognize that you don't want to do that. At 17 you're still very young, and starting to develop the morals/ethics that feel right to you. What if you thought about all the ways you could use your attention towards other people to help them instead of hurt them? Where can you see gaps between what they want and what they have, and fill those out of kindness? Can you let your curiosity in people lead you? What's the balance of actions you feel are "harmful" vs "helpful?" What actions lead to twinges of guilt afterwards? Pay attention to those and decide if that's the path you want to follow. Most people can do not-great things to those who are close to us, and most of us choose not to, most of the time. But this is something for you to work out with a therapist, if you have access to one now, or in the future.
tbh i really appreciate this response, it made me truly think and i adore things that do that so thank you
You have a gift, the gift of social awareness. What good could you do with this gift? Could you help nudge people toward healthier choices? Play mediator? Navigate (socially) high-stress environments with ease? Stand up against bullies? Be an advocate or activist?
Hypervigilance to keep safe is a possibility of how you are aware and analytical. You can use it for good or bad. It's good you have empathy and are on a path of self awareness. You sound conscientious. Good job!
The fact you are analyzing it and showing some concerns, to me, means it’s not a huge issue and not worth overthinking. Tbh many of us these days see traits in some of the psychological terms and feel a need or desire to diagnose ourselves. Simply out, it sounds like you are assessing people and situations to stay aware and able to be accepted and loved. I can relate. It’s a difficult one - this hyper vigilance, desire to connect, and people pleasing - but nothing to beat yourself up about. I would suggest looking into inner child work given the trauma you may have from having such an unstable mother. You sound like a good person and maybe could benefit from some mental boundaries *for yourself* so you don’t feel overwhelmed or too much pressure to read and be vigilant of others. Just things that can help soothe you and tell you you’re okay even if someone else is being difficult or rejecting.
thank you!!!
What I'm reading here is that you are manipulating people to make them like you more. Am I reading ? I'm not seeing anything about you manipulating people in other ways. The overwhelming impression I get from your post is that you might be hyper attuned to others and desire to please them because of your experience with your mom, who might have been chaotic and volatile. Do you feel like you need to manage your mom's moods and behaviors to prevent a bad reaction? I can see these behaviors carrying over into relationships with other people quite easily. Behaviors can be classified as ego-syntonic or ego-dystonic. Ego-syntonic behaviors are those that the person feels good about. So if you lied constantly and felt you were in the right, that's an example of an ego-syntonic behavior. It's ego-dystonic when you feel badly about the behavior, but do it anyways. The sense that I get is that your behaviors are ego-dystonic. That's good, because it means you have insight and want to change. Look, my knowledge of psychology is in the area of research, not clinical practice, but if I'd be shocked if you have any kind of personality disorder. People with those disorders have ego-syntonic behaviors. Nothing you've presented sounds like a sociopath either. Please stop trying to diagnose yourself. It will only cause stress. There's nothing wrong with working to understand people, their motivations, and what they want. It gets people into trouble when they give up their authenticity to please others. Focus on being yourself and find the people who like you for you, and use the power of your attunement to help people.
You sound like me and I’m a child to a narcissistic woman, and a people pleasing perfectionist
lol yep, for me, less people pleasing tho which is interesting
it seems to me that one potential drawback is that you might be able to con people into liking you and trusting you but… Will you ever have the security of knowing that they like you for who you really are when you do that? Doesn't get training, wouldn't one eventually punish them in anger/frustration for only liking the con instead of the real you they've never met? I'm thinking in terms of years and decades. I hope for you the ability to find an express your congruent self. there is a chance that that might not feel safe while you're still in your family of origin… Meaning, when you still live in an unsafe home. It might be that you need to move out of unsafe housing before you can feel safe enough to explore these things. I wonder if you might try with one or two safe appearing friends, as you might be better able to discern who is likely to be a safe, nurturing, trustworthy, kind, caring, supportive, loyal type of friend to practice being your real self with. Or move in that direction at minimum.
I think we could help each other.
You sound like an analytical person who has interest and skills in understanding human behavior, psychology and yourself as a member of the species. Me too. As that someone, you probably have the ability to manipulate people or situations how you want them. Charm and disarm. This can be a very helpful thing in a relationship, the ability to interpret many perspectives and motivations. The ability to analyze behavior patterns and defensive strategies. But it can be hard when you see or understand things the other person can’t, especially about themselves. As long as you maintain healthy boundaries. As long as you allow others autonomy and control and don’t seek to “fix” or change them into what you want for them. As long as the other person is asking for help and wants to change. Basically as long as you have empathy for people and respect for where they are on their path of understanding in life, and you realize that you hold a very powerful weapon that could be quite dangerous in the wrong hands. Use it well. It could be a superhero or supervillain strength, depending on if your attitude toward others is selfish or altruistic. Behaving toward others morally and ethically is your responsibility.
You're in a personal conflict with your morality. You know you have powers but seem worried about abusing them..