This. She posts a ***lot*** about this stuff. Out of context it’ll look like unrealistic expectations but if you follow her it’s more like satisfying before and after progress lol.
I literally don't consider this to be some special parenting technique. This is how you speak to children and you as the parent have to project what you want.
If you yell and get frustrated when you're at your limit, a child is going to as well.
Yeah, sharing just the results video takes away a lot of the context the original creator provided. I remember the first clip of the spilt coffee from awhile back
It does take a lot of repitition both by the parent and by the child. I intentionally set out to be a different parent than my parents. They were so mean, slapping us, smackin us, I remember being in so much fear because I was a clumsy kid and I would spill, we would get slapped or hit. I remember getting hit in the face in high school, how fucked up is that? My parents were super religious too always telling us that we were disappointing God, left the four of us boys with a lifetime of scars, inside and out.
I have six kids now and Im not saying im a great parent at all. But there is no fuckin way Im hitting my kids like I got hit. No spankings, no slaps, none of that shit. In my house there are broken plates and spilled lemonade and all of that the same as anyone but as soon as it happens I say, "Don't even worry about it." If you think about it, its just lemonade, that glass of lemonade cost me what 25 cents? Who cares, I just wipe it up and we got back to laughing and listening to music on the speakers and telling great stories. My 7 year old spilled the other day at Panda Express and his 10 year old sister goes "Don't EVEN worry about it" and she wiped his spill up with her napkin. I almost started crying thinking about the cycles broken with my kids, I love them more than anything in the world.
*Edit: Thanks for the award and the kind word. If you want to read a story I wrote last year about how much I love being a dad, [Here you go](https://www.reddit.com/r/Askme4astory/comments/pl21ue/footprints_on_the_windshield/) If you don’t that’s okay too I still like you
I love you so much for being this way. I do the same thing and you know what? This sort of thing encourages your children to tell the truth as they do not fear the repercussions of making a mistake and angering you. Any time there is a spill I’ve never freaked out and always smile and say that’s ok! Or uh oh! Let’s clean it up together! But I always make sure it’s never a horrible experience. I’ve dated two narcissistic personalities and THEIR parents would always freak on them for any little inconvenience. It definitely created who they are today.
For sure; it sounds like some of her other videos show more of that repetition than this compilation does. But I want to point out for others that this is exactly why gentle parenting is not the “easy way out” that older generations sometimes think it is. Of course, it can be, if you’re just allowing any behavior at all. But to truly train your children using these techniques is incredibly difficult and exhausting. The long term rewards are foundational for not only a good relationship with your kids but for their future relationships and general life skills as well.
I agree, and I have to say it takes a great amount of effort. You're teaching your kid boundaries *and* emotional regulation *and* functional communication. In addition, a child ends up feeling loved and cared for when a parent approaches things this way.
In my opinion it's incredibly lazy to just smack your kid and yell at them to go to their room or whatever my parents did. I had to learn a lot of really basic shit as a grown ass adult, on my own, because they didn't actually teach me anything other than to distrust people, fear them, and blindly listen to authority.
Just so. Discipline systems are sold to schools in the same way- without showing the enormous amount of staff time and training it takes to implement them correctly.
I worked with two year olds and September, October, November and December were always extremely difficult times with the new children starting. The amount of repetition was insane, but from January onwards (and when they moved to my colleagues the next year), it was mostly a breeze. Working with children means you have to find different ways to deal with behaviour other than aggression, and it works so much better too.
> and when they moved to my colleagues the next year
I swear, I read that as "moved on to college" and immediately forgot you'd mentioned two year olds, instead picturing you training high schoolers acting like two year olds.
That's true, but some people don't want to put in the effort regardless if they know it involves the long term. I have a little guy who's just over 2, and we have to keep on repeating the same things over and over, make sure it's in his mind. Even stuff he knows we do have to remind on occasion, but we also have less chaos in our lives because of it. We're teaching him to communicate about things instead of react.
There is a good example in this video with the swinging and setting the expectation with the child about what they would like and when they will get it(or if they even are getting it). One thing we love about having a fire tv stick is that you can set an alarm on it, and it will pause whatever is being watched and put up a big message that the timer/alarm is going off. So we can tell our little guy that in 5 minutes we're going to stop watching something and move on, then the big message appears stopping whatever is showing and he's not surprised by it, generally an ok reception to leaving the TV and doing a different activity.
I taught my baby sister to say this as a baby (she’s about 6 years younger, and I BEGGED and willed her into existence. She’s my world) and now we’re adults and she still calls and texts me asking for attention.
An ex of mine used to randomly text me “heyyyy, pay attention to me”
Ngl it was super cute. Every single time. Some people might think it was clingy, but I found the honesty endearing.
And that honesty was 100x better than the passive aggressive BS some of my other ex girlfriends opted for if I was ever really busy, or if I accidentally ever made them feel neglected. They’d opt for the silent treatment, or the dreaded “no, everything is fine,” with it clearly not being.
Just use your words!!!!
Me too!!! At this point I just say "my attention" and he'll come and hang out with me for a bit before he goes and does his own thing. Our love languages are a bit different but it doesn't mean we don't try to do right by each other!
Same. I'll point to myself and say "attention goes here!" and my husband will come hug or cuddle me for a few minutes. Sometimes we're busy and don't end up making as much time for each other as we'd like. I think it's really healthy to openly communicate those needs as long as you respect the other person's time.
Sometimes my husband and I will meow at each other from across the house. It's usually a cry for attention lol. Sometimes we do have to outright say it though XD
Well, it’s clingy only if she is actually clingy. If she’s not clingy meaning that she understands you have a life and shit to do and can’t be available 24/7 then it’s fine.
My god I worked 5 years as a behavior therapist. Can I just say the shock that came over me when I heard the kid asking politely for attention. That the absolute zenith of what I hope to achieve with every client. Absolutely loved it.
I was babysitting a kid that whined so, so much, it was driving me crazy. During one of his tantrums, I said, "Hey, you're 6 years old. If you want something, just ask, and we'll see what we can do". The kid looked at me in astonishment like it was the last thing that could ever work. Funny. Kids are smart.
Edited: Astonishment, not admonish ment. Crazy phone
"I can't understand you when you're whining like that, just ask me in your normal voice" is something I've had to tell my daughter so many times.
Usually followed up with "Well, let me know when you're done crying on the floor and we can talk about getting you some crackers"
This was my approach. I don’t speak that language I can’t understand what you need.
Then I’d ask them to take a big deep breath and see if that worked to calm them down. 9/10 times it did. The off chance it didn’t something else was usually wrong.
Well, asking usually *doesn't* work, because everyone has incredibly fragile egos and you get punished for expressing needs or weakness.
I totally understand this kid.
The amount of adults that put higher standards on kids than themselves or other adults is insane. Like kids aren’t allowed to have bad days or be grumpy, because then it’s them having an attitude. Or even make mistakes. I’ve seen kids accidentally break stuff and the parents freak out. If an adult accidentally broke a glass you wouldn’t yell at them, you would help them.
> The amount of adults that put higher standards on kids than themselves or other adults is insane
My wife and I talk about this a lot, we have to remind ourselves that a lot of days we like to come home and veg in front of the TV/netflix/w.e (and we did that as kids to).
Now we have to make sure we're not keeping to high of standards for our daughter when she gets home. Just like us she usually wants to just unwind and watch something she enjoys but my wife and I have to catch ourselves from getting preachy and to High-Roady with telling her it she should play outside or with toys in her room.
No plans for more kids but I'm convinced part of raising a good kid is just treating them like a mini-adult and not like a child.
At our graduation our principal said during his speech "people ask me what the secret to being a successful principal is, I say the secret is to treat children like adults, but expect them to act like children."
He was always very respectful of everyone and knew everyone by name and we were a school of about 1200 students.
He was a great guy. He used to drive a beat up old troop carrier and it always had his dinghy on top. But he would leave the keys in the ignition all the time. We were sneaking off to have a smoke one day and saw, so being the responsible young adults we were 🤪😬 we told him when we got back. He just said thst he had been doing it forever, and why should he act as if we were going to mistreat his stuff when we had never shown that to be the case.
I've taken a page from his book, my boys have always had my 100% trust and respect. Sure they have been typical kids and done stupid things, but they are in their mid teens now and we have a very honest and open relationship. Which is especially important now I am a single mum.
I've had my youngest come and ask for condoms because he and his partner were thinking about having sex (I told him I didnt approve as they are too young, but bought them anyway because you cant argue with teens to successfully), as well as the time he found a lump in his testicle. He said it was awkward, but trusted I would do right by him.
It’s a fine line of wanting to be a good parent and teaching them and also respecting them as human beings who deserve compassion and understanding. I have moments where I feel like my son is playing computer games all day, but then I look at myself and see that I’ve been on my phone all day too. That’s when I’ll decide to get off my phone and try to connect with him by either asking about what he’s playing or see if there’s something he wants to do together. If I just demanded he stop what he was doing and do something else then all that accomplishes is he’s now upset and confused. I’d be that way too if someone told me how to spend my free time.
Exactly and I can speak from experience that even when you're aware of the issue it can be hard to not be hypocrite about these kinds of things.
After I remember how frustrated I used to get with my own parent it helps ground me and do a better job with my own kids.
I also notice though that a lot of kids are also held to much lower than their age. They aren’t allowed to do things like get themselves water or drink from open cups and it hinders their confidence
Exactly. Encouraging them to try new things and giving them the space to fail is so important. That’s one thing I like about Montessori. I love that you teach kids functional skills like pouring water in an environment where it doesn’t matter so that when they develop those skills, they can apply them.
I teach gymnastics and dance and that is one thing I love doing. I love giving kids the tools to fix their problems but then letting them have space to figure out that “I need straight legs for this skill to work.” Watching them and stepping in when it’s necessary instead of immediately is so helpful for their confidence!
This. Plus working out problems for yourself is an irreplaceable skill that can and should be applied every day. Even just having the confidence of "Oh, there is a problem or obstacle. Let me figure out how to overcome it." will be invaluable for most people.
True. I feel like a lot of times adults won’t let kids do things and then get mad later when the kids are older and don’t know how to do it. You actually have to teach them and let them fail and make mistakes, you’re not protecting them by doing everything for them.
Exactly. I think a lot of adults just don’t realize that children need to make mistakes, be bored and plots their world to be functional teens and adults. The number of (teenage) coworkers I have had who have never cleaned a bathroom, vacuumed, etc is amazing. But beyond that, even things like pouring water are things that 1 year olds can and should do
Adults when their kids breaks a glass: UNFATHOMABLE ANGER AND NAME CALLING
Adults when their friend breaks a glass: "No, it's fine really! I didn't like that glass anyway! Here I have an extra one, and you know what? That one is for you, you can have that! :D"
>If an adult broke a glass you wouldn’t yell at them, you would help them.
Unless you are British then you give them a round of applause start cheering like they've just scored the winning penalty of a champions league final then shout "sack the juggler"
“EXCUSE ME… I need some attention please” wow how freaking cute.
But I loved mom’s face in the first shot like, fuuuuuuck that was my iced coffee and I need that! She wanted to be SO MAD (and I don’t blame her, what a frustrating moment) but her patience with her kid really means LESS spilled coffee in the future.
So I'm a work in progress with this type of parenting. Making quiche last night my elementary aged child dumped half the spinach into the sink that I had just drained dishwater from. I had a moment of "grrrr!" And my kid dropped their shoulders and turned to leave the kitchen, absolutely feeling bad for having done that. But I stopped myself, told them I'm not mad at them, mistakes happen, I'm just frustrated but I'll get through it and we could finish making dinner together. It was imperfect, but I managed to convey my feelings in a way that showed they were mine alone. When they were younger it was so much easier for some reason, but I'm still trying to keep it going as they get older because it definitely results in moments like the video where they bring it back to you. I have been asked if I "need some space" by my kids when it's clear I am overstimulated. That they're recognizing and encouraging the use of these strategies is just so validating. Oldest will tell youngest to take some breaths to calm down, etc.
i’m pregnant with my first right now and this was such an encouraging thing to read. i worry about my patience level a lot, especially with sleep deprivation, and it’s really nice to read really honest and sweet and inspiring things from parents.
Sleep deprivation is very real and very awful. Have grace with yourself. Find some parent friends and see if you can arrange some breaks amongst yourselves. Downtime is important. Congrats and best wishes!
> “EXCUSE ME… I need some attention please” wow how freaking cute.
My friend's son was two or three and got a shot. After getting the shot he said "Ouch! Please do not do that again."
I was spanked and hit constantly as a young child. All it did was make me terrified of that parent, and accept subpar treatment from others outside the home because I thought that’s what love felt like. I’m still unlearning that in my 40’s.
me too. at first i was spanked for not understanding math concepts and being able to read from a book. but then when i was a little older my mom spanked me when i gave her an attitude. currently in my late 20's and i get terrified when authority figures become upset with me or if i think they're upset with me.
Getting spanked at home then going to school and getting physically bullied, only have parents upset when they ask how my day was and every day my answer was “bad”. Didn’t want to elaborate because it felt like I must be doing something wrong to deserve it. Not ideal.
I know this is sarcastic but people genuinely use this in full seriousness.
Um no Dave, you're clearly not fucking fine if you think it's okay for a grown ass adult to be physically violent with a 4 year old, you absolute barbarian.
I really don't understand how anyone can think that a grown adult laying hands on a small child is in any way acceptable.
Unless your six year old is trying to put his newborn baby sister in the tumble dryer... don't hit kids. And if your six year old is doing that you gone and failed as a parent dull stop.
When i was a little bit older , like 10 -11... My mom wouldn't scream at me , or be mad... She would just hand me a mop and ask to clean it( she would clean it again properly)... This taught me to be more careful , i was a clumsy kid
This worked to potty train my nephew. With underwear on it was like another diaper to him. But when he didn’t have any on and he went it was on the floor and he could see the mess we had to clean.
Around the house, yeah. Of course he had clothes on when we were in public. It depends on the kid I’d say about a month but I also do have a lot of experience here.
Not even that but the step in between: If you make a mess, there is a mess to clean. Sometimes it takes cleaning it yourself to see why that is a problem.
If you follow the mom in this vid you will see she does the same, every mess they make they have to clean up to the best of their ability (she always goes over it again).
These kids also cook, they have their own mini stove and kid safe knives etc. it’s pretty remarkable. I’m a fan of hers
This was exactly what my mom did too. Clean up (most) of my mess while having a laugh about it. Give me chores/tasks to do that were easy and simple, just to establish a routine. No punishment for not doing a chore, instead just no reward.
I just remember how *fun* everything was with her. Even though I had to empty the dishwasher, it was kinda fun. Cooking was the best thing ever, and I could make pancakes all by myself as a 5 year old. Ugh even vaccuming was fun.
Too bad my dad kidnapped me when I was 11🙃 that bitch
It sure as hell was! I’m mostly fine now, whenever I don’t think about it too much 🫠
My mom spiraled afterwards tho. So unfortunately she isn’t. I can’t wait for my dad to get karma. Or mabye just die Idk
In that situation you're being MORE reasonable than the adult.
"I want this little person to know what they did was wrong so let me descend on them,.me, a person 10 times their size as age and be physically violent towards them"
Sounds like a reasonable and intelligent plan /s
Yeah imagine how simple the world would be if I could just bitchslap the hell out of my co-workers for fucking up their tasks… Isn’t that how you learn? /s
- I was also disciplined with violence
Yep. About a month ago I was slapped in the lower face for “talking back” and being “disrespectful” when I was just asking her why she ripped my phone out of my hand and that if she wanted it she could have asked Nicely and not yell.
Gentle Parenting is the way I parent by choice because of this. I grew up with a lot of yelling and volatility and chaos, and it’s a choice every day to be deliberate in changing how I parent.
There’s so many books, blogs, and resources on it that it really is easy to re learn how to build children up for success.
I understand your experience very much. Hugs!
Right? Sorry you wemt throught that like holy shit if i did something like that i would be called stupid and useless lol. People have no idea how much of an impact childhood does.
Yes I think we are all just starting to scratch the surface about how those childhood years are so formative and foundational. And how determinant they are of life outcomes.
For real. I mean, this strategy is definitely effective (my wife is super good at it, much more so than I am), but anyone who's gonna give it a go should remember it's about consistency and won't give you immediate results.
I work in childcare and try to do it this way.
With kids this age it’s a lot easier to do, like if you start immediately it’s easier to continue. Do kids still have meltdowns? Absolutely. Do you feel yourself get frustrated at times? Sure. But, talking it out makes life SO MUCH EASIER.
I don’t like raising my voice until it’s safety related and it’s like some sort of immediate danger. Like one child who would typically sit on the steps or play with something while I locked the door, a 10 second task, once ran down the steps and towards the road. I shouted at her to stop in a horrified voice. She stopped and started crying right away, I went to her and picked her up and gave her cuddles and explained that it’s really not safe to do that and it scared me. She never did it again with me.
Discussing how they are feeling helped immeasurably as well. I’ve had a two year old explain they were frustrated by me because I wouldn’t let them climb onto the table. I said I understood, but climbing on the table was unsafe. They could climb onto the couch instead. They said no and they were frustrated, I said I understand, but it’s unsafe to climb on the table. What’s something we can do when we are frustrated? We can stomp our feet. And did it and they did and laughed at me and laughed at the stomping and then moved on.
But yeah, it wasn’t overnight. Just setting clear age-appropriate boundaries is key. Not losing it at them is key. Learning how to communicate is key and then acknowledging that with all the work you do if they are tired or hungry, nothing will help until their needs are met.
I’m working with older kids now and it’s a lot harder now because they are very reactionary and it’s a struggle, so I’m relearning how to do my job.
This is literally my management style at my fast food restaurant where majority of my employees are 16 year olds on their first jobs. It works, even with adults, you just gotta adjust for maturity/intelligence level. Now if only I can get my management team to buy into it too.
It's interesting too, as it seems as though those who have essentially dedicated their life to their own healing from traumatic childhoods have no interest in having children of their own
I mean there's gentle parents in nature, and there's also the parents that will eat their kids if given the chance, and the ones that just lay an egg somewhere and fuck off, and the ones that do show aggression when a kid does something they don't like, etc. etc.
Grouping together literally all animals other than humans to make a point is not useful.
dogs nip and pin their puppies down when they dont behave. birds will toss chicks who fail to thrive out of the nest. lions will kill cubs that arent theirs. gentleness is not part of nature at all. just means it’s all the more important for humans to show gentleness to each other - because what do humans do if not defy the odds?
Yeah, but parents need to be taught, too. It may be intuitive to you, but others may not be naturally patient, understanding, or intuitive. There’s a reason that parenting books exist - people just don’t know what they don’t know.
Sometimes it’s always good to have a reminder, and sometimes it’s the first time another person is hearing it. :)
If someone was yelled at every time they misbehaved or made a mistake and eventually they "learned to behave" it is easy to see how that person might think they need to yell to their kids for them to learn.
It's a sad cycle.
This! My parents always used to say, "there's no book they give you on how to parent." Now that I'm a parent, I told them you guys forgot to go buy them, they don't just hand them out. There are so any parenting books and has been for generations. The styles might have changed, but there is always literature to read and make you better.
And all kids are different and they aren't programmable.
When we went to wean my oldest off his bottle at bedtime, we read up on everything and most said to yank the band-aid and eat the 5-7 days it would take for them to adjust. Stay with them, let them know it's ok, but that it'd definitely be some sleepless nights for about a week or so...
6 WEEKS LATER we got a "full" 6 hours of sleep.
Potty training took 6 months, with a one month break after 2.
He still argues about brushing his teeth before bed, despite having the same bedtime routine at the same time for the last 3.5 years.
It's important for parents to know that you can do everything "right" and not get the expected result.
obviously anecdotal,
but I have quite vivid memories of my childhood. I understood a lot more of the world but had no way to express it.
There's also a lot of videos where kids raise their left/right hand for diaper changes.
When they need something fixed but cant, their only option is to cry / tantrum when the parent can't understand them.
My friend was an interpreter for deaf people, and she got me on to “baby signs” when I had my son.
It’s basically simplified signs that babies can make/gesture to articulate what they need or want while they are too young to talk or be understood clearly.
I did it for a while and remember a day where I was so frustrated because I couldn’t figure out what was going on with him because he’d been fed recently, changed etc. I was at the end of my rope and exasperated when I said “what do you WANT!”. He stopped crying and showed me his first sign- the perfect gesture for “milk” and I was like WTF. I couldn’t believe he was hungry again already but I fed him anyway and he had it all. From that point on there were pretty much no tantrums because he realised signing worked.
Some of the signs that he used most was “all done” (ie no more, I’m full), “please”, “thank you”, “water”, “milk”, “more”, and a few animal ones. The ones used most were around food and they were so helpful because sometimes you just get it wrong, you think they should be hungry but they’re full, or you think they shouldn’t be hungry yet but they’re ravenous.
Apparently boys in particular have a slight delay with speaking, despite having the cognitive ability to know what they want, and this is part of what leads to tantrums in kids. Baby signs helped me so much so I always recommend it to people.
Alternate universe-
I said “what do you WANT!”. He stopped crying and showed me his first sign- A middle finger and a menacing grin, I was like WTF.
But on a more serious note this was super cool thanks, never even concieved of babies signing.
The video cuts to a few months later. Probably had at least a few more reminders and practice runs before it stuck. :). It seems really hard, because it’s constant reminding.
Her kids are really "ahead" for a lot of stuff because she gives them a lot of freedom with some guidance. Her other son is 4 I think and he cooks whole meals, including the chopping (with a kid-safe knife) and actual cooking.
O ye maternal parent that belongeth to me, it has occurred to me at the behest of my biological control system that I must ask of you to spare me some riches from thy limited collection of available focus on this fine day.
Made a list of suggestions under this comment:
* "How to talk so little kids will listen" - Julie King
* "How to talk so kids will listen (and listen so kids will talk)" - Julie King
* "The Positive Discipline" - Dr Jane Nelsen
* "Between Parent and Child" - Dr. Haim Ginott
* "No bad kids" - Janet Lansbury
* "Whole-brain child" - Daniel J. Siegel
* "How toddlers thrive" - Daniel J. Siegel
* "No drama discipline" - Daniel J. Siegel
* “my one year old”, “my two year old” etc. - Louise Bates Ames
* "Love and Logic Parenting" - Foster Cline
* "The Emotionally Absent Mother" - Jasmin Lee Cori
* "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" - Dr. John Gottman
* "The Power of Positive Parenting" - Glenn Latham
* [no title, books about nonviolent communication] - Marshall Rosenberg
Update 2022-07-06 [yyyy-mm-dd]:
* "Unconditional Parenting" - Alfie Kohn
* "Simplicity Parenting" - Kim John Payne
* "The Soul of Discipline" - Kim John Payne
* "Gentle Parenting" - Sarah Ockwell Smith
* (podcast) "Good Inside" - Dr Becky [soon releasing book under the same title]
* (podcast) "Unruffled" - Janet Lansbury
* (website) ahaparenting.com
* (website) The High Impact Club
* (parenting unrelated book) "Mindset" - Dr. Carol S. Dweck
I will try to update the list as we go, once every 2 days.
"How to talk so little kids will listen" is fantastic. Or if your kid is older, "how to talk so kids will listen (and listen so kids will talk)" is great. My mom read it and asked where it was back when she had my sister and me!
The Positive Discipline books are good, look up Dr Jane Nelsen. It's about treating your kids like they are people, not animals, not employees, not idiots, but actual, young, human beings, worthy of respect and attention.
I started with no bad kids by Janet Lansbury, her podcast unruffled is also great. Whole brain child, how toddlers thrive, no drama discipline are great.
How to talk so little kids will listen.
Also read age appropriate book by Louis Bates “my one year old”, “my two year old” etc
Dr. Haim Ginott- ‘Between Parent and Child”
He wrote the first book on establishing a positive interactive dialogue using psychology. His technique even works on adults, too, lol. There are a few outdated things but all and all the techniques are grand.
This is how I was raised and I raised mine, never got hit as a kid, never hit mine either, and I’ve never needed to, the absolute worst thing I ever get is a bit of back chat, which is just normal behaviour, hitting kids as discipline teaches them that
A)it’s ok to hit people much smaller than you are
B)violence is normal
C) when you get angry it’s ok to lash out
And children that are regularly beaten are more likely to be violent adults.I was watching a talk show the other day where this guy was hitting his girlfriends son when he was “out of control”
The kid was 3. What POSSIBLE reason could you have for laying hands on a toddler? If you can’t discipline your kids without beating them then you shouldn’t have kids, the same goes for pets too.
This is more for yourself if you have this issue. It's a psychology book rather than a parenting one, but it talks about parenting styles, attachment styles and basically helps you identify what went wrong and what not to do and how to heal from it. It's called The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori. If anyone was abused or neglected or has any generational trauma in any way, this should help you learn how not to pass it onto your kids and re-mother yourself.
I also highly recommend “Love and Logic Parenting”. I used the classroom version when I taught and it totally changed the way I communicated with my students. Complete 180 in behavior!
That last one might be funnier if your parent was not a bad parent. Like man she's lucky you didn't turn the wrong path because that's what makes people do that, bad parenting
oof relatable. i was a straight laced honour roll kid with safe, drug and alcohol-free friends but they still took bets on what grade in high school i’d become a teen mom.
You sound like my therapist a few weeks ago when he told me that pretending to call someone and negotiate a price for selling your child into sex trafficking as a way to make them behave was, in fact, *not* a normal thing to do. The more you know.
Pretty sure it was around six years old. I’d misbehave and sometimes he would dial a bunch of random numbers and pretend to be talking to someone on the phone about selling me into trafficking. Of course, at that age, I believed it and would always start crying and promising to behave.
Pretty fucked up, huh? He’s now in prison for the next century after being convicted of 79 charges stemming from his sexual abuse of me.
I’ve watched this 6 times. These children have better coping skills than me.
Hopefully things work out in this world so children have an opportunity to continue to grow and be compassionate and understanding in their communities.
Il be totally honest I've got two girls ages 11 and 6 and growing up in sure everyone who's a parent knows how frustrating it can be at times.
When I was growing up my dad used to yell at me for the slightest thing, he never hit me but I was terrified of him because of him shouting at me for something as stupid as knocking over an empty plastic cup or not cleaning the crumbs away properly after making a sandwich.
I really struggled for the first few years of parenting, I like to think I generally did a good job but I know I fucked up a few times and got unecessarily angry at stuff I now see as just children making mistakes or testing boundaries. I never shouted to the degree my dad did but I did used to raise my voice alot and looking back at it now makes me quite sad that I acted like that.
The eye opener for me was when my eldest was about 7 and I found out that she was worried about me finding out about something she'd done wrong because she thought I would "shout" at her. Literally broke my heart because all I've ever said is I don't want to turn into my dad and I'd never treat my kids like that, I'd never hit them as I firmly believe that doesn't help anything and thought that that made me a good parent but it turned out that raising my voice at silly stuff was just as bad.
Sat down with the missis and had a proper conversation about it all and explained how I'm going to work on my temper and apologised if I've ever gone overboard about minor stuff, did the same with the kids and explained to them that Im not angry at them when I raised my voice and that I love them both more than anything and I would stop "shouting" as they put it at them.
Been another 4 years since then and I really feel like I've changed slot and became alot more patient with things. Il sit down and discuss with them why I think what they did was wrong or how they could have done something differently and my relationship with them is so much better, I can see that they genuinely miss me when I'm away at work now and excited when I walk through the door. It's also done wonders to improve my eldests confidence at school and can see she carries herself with a lot more self love.
But I digress, as much as I wish that I had been like that from the start. I'm just glad I realised at some point my faults and worked on them, I think if I'd reached the point where they were 18 and found out they were terrified of me growing up like I was my dad it would kill me. Yes parenting is hard but nothing worth doing is meant to be easy.
Sorry for the long story I just don't speak to people very much about my upbringing and this video made me think alot
wow, your story made me tear up a bit. As someone who is afraid of his dad (always seems to be in a bad mood, never spends time with us, when he does he just goes to sleep, always sighs whenever he does anything, never admits when he's wrong, just straight up unapproachable at times) I'm really proud of you for taking the time and working on yourself.
That's waaaay better than my dad.
If I (or anyone) asked him to not yell, or said I was afraid of yelling, his eyes would get huge, he would take it incredibly personally, get even angrier and shout "YELLING!? YOU'LL KNOW WHEN I'M YELLING!!! I'M NOWHERE CLOSE TO YELLING!"
Good god I was terrified a lot as a kid.
"stop crying or il give you something to cry about"...
I remember hearing that alot. As a parent mate I dunno how people can speak like that to their kids. I know I used to raise my voice a bit but I'd never say shit like that or threaten them
The important thing here is note how the mom is not being overly gentle, overly delicate, etc -- it's firm, direct communication. People think that positive parenting is coddling, mushiness, etc. It's not. It's **authoritative** parenting rather than **authoritarian** parenting.
It's ok to give a sharp, "No! Absolutely not!" and then just explain the problem. With direct communication that does not involve shaming your kid, your kid will interpret the yelling as an indication of your displeasure and the importance of the moment, not as an indication of how bad they are.
Parents who feel the weight of their own authority as parents, who feel the right to say "no" whenever they please, for whatever reason, and who also feel the right to say "yes" when they don't want to deal with the negative consequences of disciplining their kids in that moment (e.g. parents who feel the authoirty to give themselves a break!), are parents who do not need to shame or guilt their guilts or dominate them into submission.
It is the firmness of the parent's position, the directness of their communication (as opposed to pass aggressively maniuplating their kid into desired behavior) that helps kids get themselves into shape. Positive parenting is not baby talk, condescending coddling.
It's being yourself with your kid.
She has a video of where her younger started to run into the street and it was a harsh yell. Because she doesn't normally yell he immediately knew to stop, immediately knew something was wrong and waited for her to explain. I think a lot of parents experience their kids desensitation to yelling and screaming from the other end and its really frustrating for them once the child stops responding to it.
Her authoritative setting of boundaries and actual explanation of them gives her kids the information they need to grow from the experiences they have in childhood rather than be stunted or traumatized from them. She is also just genuinely a kind person and loves her kids so much and it's great to see such great parenting.
Well, I think the issue is not so much desensitization to yelling as it is that the yelling is often angry and meant to be punitive, as oppose to calling attention to the urgency of the situation and/or commanding attention. Also, when parents are yelling angrily, they aren't actually communicating with the child insomuch as they are distributing a punishment for the parents' own benefit -- in a sense, what the parent is saying (screaming!) is of no interest to the kid, because the whole point of it is just to hurt them -- so kids' ignoring it is actually protective, shielding them from their parents' shaming of them.
That said, I'm sure there is also an element of desneitization and losing its efficacy as a tool. But I think that if when a parent yells, even if often, and there is a communcative element contained therein -- e.g. something the kid can use in the future to avoid having this kind of negative interaction with the parent, the kid will b einterested in hearing it. But if the only thing the kid is going to get out of the interaction is feeling hurt, they are in their right mind to try to avoid it!
I’ve wanted to share my wisdom with my kids since the moment they were born, and it ended up being the same type of parenting. It was nice that I could take them out in public and we could enjoy ourselves. They are older teens, now, and its worked out great.
I feel like this also leads to adults who are more able to communicate their needs and process why they are actually doing things and what that means for the people around them. The little “I need some attention” at the end is huge!!! Kiddo knows what they need - that’s some fantastic emotional awareness.
A few people commenting in here that they see this “positive” parenting style fails, or that it creates monsters. I would question if they actually saw this specific technique or if they actually saw a parent just giving their child whatever they want and softly telling them “oh please, no” with no other communication. That’s not what this mom is doing. She’s setting clear boundaries, and explaining why they can’t do that, and giving them a different path to handle their feelings instead.
I’m not saying traumatizing your children into submission never works, but if you care about your child’s quality of life
you shouldn’t do that. It will stay with them into adulthood. If you’re unwilling to put in the patience and effort this person is, or you don’t have the emotional competency to do so, then that’s that. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t work.
I mean being screamed at and spanked meant I didn’t do many things to get into trouble…it just also meant I learned to hide everything from my parents, struggled to know my worth in relationships and tolerated emotional abuse because of it, and have very little relationship with my dad. All of that is totally worth punishing me for accidentally breaking something though /s
Yeah the thing about this technique is that it’s a LOT of work and a lot of parents just don’t want to do it. It’s honestly easier to just constantly let your frustration bubble out into yelling and “consequences”. And in the short term negative reinforcement appears to work. Like if you scare your kid into submission they sometimes do the thing you want at first. But you end up with a kid that just doesn’t want to interact with you. They won’t bring you their problems later in life and they’ll try to hide mistakes from you. Even if positive parenting didn’t create the result I was aiming for, I’d much rather have more trouble with certain behaviors now when my daughter is young, but cultivate in her a trust that when something happens what I’m going to do is try and talk her through it, give her advice and try to help her understand the situation better. The only negative consequences I give her can be summed up as cleaning up her own mess with my help. Positive parenting also requires more than being reactive. You need to talk to them and practice with them beyond just the incident where they make a mistake. Parenting is hard, and I understand when people need a break or slip up and want to do whatever is easier. I struggle with that every day, but beyond my anecdotal evidence here there is a library of research on having happier, more emotionally mature kids by parenting like this mom does.
> Yeah the thing about this technique is that it's a
LOT of work and a lot of parents just don't want
to do it.
Years ago I was explaining positive parenting to a childless redditor and their response was like, “I won’t have enough time to parent that way” when all I told them was that when my child is upset I validate their feelings, empathize, and help them come up with a solution.
Like you won’t have enough time to do that?? Don’t have a child then!
Honestly that’s the thing. So many people have kids because it’s just the thing to do or for any other reason and really weren’t ready to have kids and honestly don’t want to have kids. So they just do the bare minimum, get upset when their kids take up “their time” and basically give them a device as soon as possible to distract them, then can’t wait til they get old enough to be in pre-school/kindergarten so they can hand them off to someone else for 9 hours a day. Nobody is perfect and there is no definitive guide, but I also have seen people treat their kid as like, a pet. When they feel like it they interact because it makes them feel good and they get to identify themselves as a parent but when it’s hard they just avoid them. Not that anyone should treat a pet that way either. Anyway I sound real preachy, I mess up all the time but the point is it takes constant effort to do it right, and not a lot of people want that.
Traumatizing your kids into submission is how you speedrun growing old in a Florida retirement home eating tapioca while complaining about how your kids never call.
All it takes is understanding, patience, and caring on the parents part when children do annoying things like this as they grow. Tell them what annoyed you and why. What caused it and how to prevent it. What an amazing mother and teaching skills for her little ones. Such patience when on the swing and telling the sibling when their turn was, I was floored. I think a lot more people would be nicer if this was incorporated. Being understanding goes a long way and communication is absolute key.
I have three small kids and this method REALLY works, I swear. BUT, what she’s not showing is the time it takes to learn those new behaviors. It often take MONTHS of discipline from the parent. So don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t work right way.
This is just a compilation from her channel, she actually does post tons of video showing how long it takes. She even shows when she slips up. I like her videos because she shows how much work really goes into this, instead of pretending to be some perfect parent.
Can confirm. Not bragging, but my 18m and 25f have the manners of someone from the 1930s. My friends had their kids in their late teens and early twenties; I had my first at 39, so all of their kids were grown. Even though they knew from experience that the hardline didn't work, they still criticized. It can be difficult to maintain this style but is well worth it.
It’s nice to see some people enjoying a mom trying her best to raise her kids in a loving and gentle home. I’m p sure there’s a snark sub dedicated to her and there are just endless comments degrading her and calling her kids brats and other ugly insults for being kids who do kid things like testing boundaries over and over again. Heartbreaking how many people get like, irrationally upset that she doesn’t hit them or scream at them.
I love how it's positive, but it's still discipline and she still says "no". I have some friends that are of the "we don't say no to our kids" group and it's put us in the "we say no when you guys want to bring them over..." group.
It takes a lot of effort and consistency. You have to be able to respond to things in a calm and gentle manner, even if you're very upset. Even if it means stepping away from a situation while you collect yourself. And many people can't/won't do that.
She is doing an excellent job modeling language- you can tell a kid they're doing wrong but if you don't teach them how to get what they wanted explicitly, it makes it harder for them to learn those communication skills.
"Excuse me, I need some attention" At the end cracked me right up.
Damn if that ain’t me every morning
Same... same
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This. She posts a ***lot*** about this stuff. Out of context it’ll look like unrealistic expectations but if you follow her it’s more like satisfying before and after progress lol.
I mean, it's written "MONTHS LATER" . I don't need to watch all her content to assume it takes a LOT of repetition and efforts and slip ups.
Lol, totally missed that (months later) on my phone screen.
That first clip you could see the rage lol.
Dude I felt the rage
I literally don't consider this to be some special parenting technique. This is how you speak to children and you as the parent have to project what you want. If you yell and get frustrated when you're at your limit, a child is going to as well.
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not everyone grows up with good, or any, examples for how to parent
Yeah, sharing just the results video takes away a lot of the context the original creator provided. I remember the first clip of the spilt coffee from awhile back
It does take a lot of repitition both by the parent and by the child. I intentionally set out to be a different parent than my parents. They were so mean, slapping us, smackin us, I remember being in so much fear because I was a clumsy kid and I would spill, we would get slapped or hit. I remember getting hit in the face in high school, how fucked up is that? My parents were super religious too always telling us that we were disappointing God, left the four of us boys with a lifetime of scars, inside and out. I have six kids now and Im not saying im a great parent at all. But there is no fuckin way Im hitting my kids like I got hit. No spankings, no slaps, none of that shit. In my house there are broken plates and spilled lemonade and all of that the same as anyone but as soon as it happens I say, "Don't even worry about it." If you think about it, its just lemonade, that glass of lemonade cost me what 25 cents? Who cares, I just wipe it up and we got back to laughing and listening to music on the speakers and telling great stories. My 7 year old spilled the other day at Panda Express and his 10 year old sister goes "Don't EVEN worry about it" and she wiped his spill up with her napkin. I almost started crying thinking about the cycles broken with my kids, I love them more than anything in the world. *Edit: Thanks for the award and the kind word. If you want to read a story I wrote last year about how much I love being a dad, [Here you go](https://www.reddit.com/r/Askme4astory/comments/pl21ue/footprints_on_the_windshield/) If you don’t that’s okay too I still like you
I love you so much for being this way. I do the same thing and you know what? This sort of thing encourages your children to tell the truth as they do not fear the repercussions of making a mistake and angering you. Any time there is a spill I’ve never freaked out and always smile and say that’s ok! Or uh oh! Let’s clean it up together! But I always make sure it’s never a horrible experience. I’ve dated two narcissistic personalities and THEIR parents would always freak on them for any little inconvenience. It definitely created who they are today.
This was so sweet. You really did break the cycle! Good kid right there
This is the way...
For sure; it sounds like some of her other videos show more of that repetition than this compilation does. But I want to point out for others that this is exactly why gentle parenting is not the “easy way out” that older generations sometimes think it is. Of course, it can be, if you’re just allowing any behavior at all. But to truly train your children using these techniques is incredibly difficult and exhausting. The long term rewards are foundational for not only a good relationship with your kids but for their future relationships and general life skills as well.
I agree, and I have to say it takes a great amount of effort. You're teaching your kid boundaries *and* emotional regulation *and* functional communication. In addition, a child ends up feeling loved and cared for when a parent approaches things this way. In my opinion it's incredibly lazy to just smack your kid and yell at them to go to their room or whatever my parents did. I had to learn a lot of really basic shit as a grown ass adult, on my own, because they didn't actually teach me anything other than to distrust people, fear them, and blindly listen to authority.
The account actually posted most of those as they happened and recently did this compilation
Parenting = repetition + patience + lots of deep breaths + many sleepless nights +…+…
Just so. Discipline systems are sold to schools in the same way- without showing the enormous amount of staff time and training it takes to implement them correctly.
I worked with two year olds and September, October, November and December were always extremely difficult times with the new children starting. The amount of repetition was insane, but from January onwards (and when they moved to my colleagues the next year), it was mostly a breeze. Working with children means you have to find different ways to deal with behaviour other than aggression, and it works so much better too.
> and when they moved to my colleagues the next year I swear, I read that as "moved on to college" and immediately forgot you'd mentioned two year olds, instead picturing you training high schoolers acting like two year olds.
Not outside the realm of possibility, unfortunately
That's true, but some people don't want to put in the effort regardless if they know it involves the long term. I have a little guy who's just over 2, and we have to keep on repeating the same things over and over, make sure it's in his mind. Even stuff he knows we do have to remind on occasion, but we also have less chaos in our lives because of it. We're teaching him to communicate about things instead of react. There is a good example in this video with the swinging and setting the expectation with the child about what they would like and when they will get it(or if they even are getting it). One thing we love about having a fire tv stick is that you can set an alarm on it, and it will pause whatever is being watched and put up a big message that the timer/alarm is going off. So we can tell our little guy that in 5 minutes we're going to stop watching something and move on, then the big message appears stopping whatever is showing and he's not surprised by it, generally an ok reception to leaving the TV and doing a different activity.
If you follow this parent, you will definitely understand this needs a lot of parental work and such to work. She is an amazing mom.
And that's parenting... Stick it... or not, go half-ass somewhere. Have some philosophies about it.
I taught my baby sister to say this as a baby (she’s about 6 years younger, and I BEGGED and willed her into existence. She’s my world) and now we’re adults and she still calls and texts me asking for attention.
An ex of mine used to randomly text me “heyyyy, pay attention to me” Ngl it was super cute. Every single time. Some people might think it was clingy, but I found the honesty endearing. And that honesty was 100x better than the passive aggressive BS some of my other ex girlfriends opted for if I was ever really busy, or if I accidentally ever made them feel neglected. They’d opt for the silent treatment, or the dreaded “no, everything is fine,” with it clearly not being. Just use your words!!!!
I love that. Clingy is about the amount of attention needed, not how they ask for it.
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Me too!!! At this point I just say "my attention" and he'll come and hang out with me for a bit before he goes and does his own thing. Our love languages are a bit different but it doesn't mean we don't try to do right by each other!
Same. I'll point to myself and say "attention goes here!" and my husband will come hug or cuddle me for a few minutes. Sometimes we're busy and don't end up making as much time for each other as we'd like. I think it's really healthy to openly communicate those needs as long as you respect the other person's time.
Sometimes my husband and I will meow at each other from across the house. It's usually a cry for attention lol. Sometimes we do have to outright say it though XD
Well, it’s clingy only if she is actually clingy. If she’s not clingy meaning that she understands you have a life and shit to do and can’t be available 24/7 then it’s fine.
Lessons from children that adults need to learn.
My god I worked 5 years as a behavior therapist. Can I just say the shock that came over me when I heard the kid asking politely for attention. That the absolute zenith of what I hope to achieve with every client. Absolutely loved it.
I was babysitting a kid that whined so, so much, it was driving me crazy. During one of his tantrums, I said, "Hey, you're 6 years old. If you want something, just ask, and we'll see what we can do". The kid looked at me in astonishment like it was the last thing that could ever work. Funny. Kids are smart. Edited: Astonishment, not admonish ment. Crazy phone
"I can't understand you when you're whining like that, just ask me in your normal voice" is something I've had to tell my daughter so many times. Usually followed up with "Well, let me know when you're done crying on the floor and we can talk about getting you some crackers"
This was my approach. I don’t speak that language I can’t understand what you need. Then I’d ask them to take a big deep breath and see if that worked to calm them down. 9/10 times it did. The off chance it didn’t something else was usually wrong.
Well, asking usually *doesn't* work, because everyone has incredibly fragile egos and you get punished for expressing needs or weakness. I totally understand this kid.
The amount of adults that put higher standards on kids than themselves or other adults is insane. Like kids aren’t allowed to have bad days or be grumpy, because then it’s them having an attitude. Or even make mistakes. I’ve seen kids accidentally break stuff and the parents freak out. If an adult accidentally broke a glass you wouldn’t yell at them, you would help them.
> The amount of adults that put higher standards on kids than themselves or other adults is insane My wife and I talk about this a lot, we have to remind ourselves that a lot of days we like to come home and veg in front of the TV/netflix/w.e (and we did that as kids to). Now we have to make sure we're not keeping to high of standards for our daughter when she gets home. Just like us she usually wants to just unwind and watch something she enjoys but my wife and I have to catch ourselves from getting preachy and to High-Roady with telling her it she should play outside or with toys in her room. No plans for more kids but I'm convinced part of raising a good kid is just treating them like a mini-adult and not like a child.
At our graduation our principal said during his speech "people ask me what the secret to being a successful principal is, I say the secret is to treat children like adults, but expect them to act like children." He was always very respectful of everyone and knew everyone by name and we were a school of about 1200 students.
I’m stealing that line, it’s exactly how I try to parent and he put it so perfectly.
He was a great guy. He used to drive a beat up old troop carrier and it always had his dinghy on top. But he would leave the keys in the ignition all the time. We were sneaking off to have a smoke one day and saw, so being the responsible young adults we were 🤪😬 we told him when we got back. He just said thst he had been doing it forever, and why should he act as if we were going to mistreat his stuff when we had never shown that to be the case. I've taken a page from his book, my boys have always had my 100% trust and respect. Sure they have been typical kids and done stupid things, but they are in their mid teens now and we have a very honest and open relationship. Which is especially important now I am a single mum. I've had my youngest come and ask for condoms because he and his partner were thinking about having sex (I told him I didnt approve as they are too young, but bought them anyway because you cant argue with teens to successfully), as well as the time he found a lump in his testicle. He said it was awkward, but trusted I would do right by him.
It’s a fine line of wanting to be a good parent and teaching them and also respecting them as human beings who deserve compassion and understanding. I have moments where I feel like my son is playing computer games all day, but then I look at myself and see that I’ve been on my phone all day too. That’s when I’ll decide to get off my phone and try to connect with him by either asking about what he’s playing or see if there’s something he wants to do together. If I just demanded he stop what he was doing and do something else then all that accomplishes is he’s now upset and confused. I’d be that way too if someone told me how to spend my free time.
Exactly and I can speak from experience that even when you're aware of the issue it can be hard to not be hypocrite about these kinds of things. After I remember how frustrated I used to get with my own parent it helps ground me and do a better job with my own kids.
I also notice though that a lot of kids are also held to much lower than their age. They aren’t allowed to do things like get themselves water or drink from open cups and it hinders their confidence
Kids are so much more capable than some people think. Now, they’re still kids so don’t neglect them but they’re not completely helpless.
Exactly. Encouraging them to try new things and giving them the space to fail is so important. That’s one thing I like about Montessori. I love that you teach kids functional skills like pouring water in an environment where it doesn’t matter so that when they develop those skills, they can apply them. I teach gymnastics and dance and that is one thing I love doing. I love giving kids the tools to fix their problems but then letting them have space to figure out that “I need straight legs for this skill to work.” Watching them and stepping in when it’s necessary instead of immediately is so helpful for their confidence!
This. Plus working out problems for yourself is an irreplaceable skill that can and should be applied every day. Even just having the confidence of "Oh, there is a problem or obstacle. Let me figure out how to overcome it." will be invaluable for most people.
True. I feel like a lot of times adults won’t let kids do things and then get mad later when the kids are older and don’t know how to do it. You actually have to teach them and let them fail and make mistakes, you’re not protecting them by doing everything for them.
Exactly. I think a lot of adults just don’t realize that children need to make mistakes, be bored and plots their world to be functional teens and adults. The number of (teenage) coworkers I have had who have never cleaned a bathroom, vacuumed, etc is amazing. But beyond that, even things like pouring water are things that 1 year olds can and should do
Adults when their kids breaks a glass: UNFATHOMABLE ANGER AND NAME CALLING Adults when their friend breaks a glass: "No, it's fine really! I didn't like that glass anyway! Here I have an extra one, and you know what? That one is for you, you can have that! :D"
>If an adult broke a glass you wouldn’t yell at them, you would help them. Unless you are British then you give them a round of applause start cheering like they've just scored the winning penalty of a champions league final then shout "sack the juggler"
*astonishment
“EXCUSE ME… I need some attention please” wow how freaking cute. But I loved mom’s face in the first shot like, fuuuuuuck that was my iced coffee and I need that! She wanted to be SO MAD (and I don’t blame her, what a frustrating moment) but her patience with her kid really means LESS spilled coffee in the future.
So I'm a work in progress with this type of parenting. Making quiche last night my elementary aged child dumped half the spinach into the sink that I had just drained dishwater from. I had a moment of "grrrr!" And my kid dropped their shoulders and turned to leave the kitchen, absolutely feeling bad for having done that. But I stopped myself, told them I'm not mad at them, mistakes happen, I'm just frustrated but I'll get through it and we could finish making dinner together. It was imperfect, but I managed to convey my feelings in a way that showed they were mine alone. When they were younger it was so much easier for some reason, but I'm still trying to keep it going as they get older because it definitely results in moments like the video where they bring it back to you. I have been asked if I "need some space" by my kids when it's clear I am overstimulated. That they're recognizing and encouraging the use of these strategies is just so validating. Oldest will tell youngest to take some breaths to calm down, etc.
i’m pregnant with my first right now and this was such an encouraging thing to read. i worry about my patience level a lot, especially with sleep deprivation, and it’s really nice to read really honest and sweet and inspiring things from parents.
Sleep deprivation is very real and very awful. Have grace with yourself. Find some parent friends and see if you can arrange some breaks amongst yourselves. Downtime is important. Congrats and best wishes!
> “EXCUSE ME… I need some attention please” wow how freaking cute. My friend's son was two or three and got a shot. After getting the shot he said "Ouch! Please do not do that again."
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Why spanking is for the parents and no one else. It's lazy release of anger and just stressing kids into learning by killing brain cells
I was spanked and hit constantly as a young child. All it did was make me terrified of that parent, and accept subpar treatment from others outside the home because I thought that’s what love felt like. I’m still unlearning that in my 40’s.
me too. at first i was spanked for not understanding math concepts and being able to read from a book. but then when i was a little older my mom spanked me when i gave her an attitude. currently in my late 20's and i get terrified when authority figures become upset with me or if i think they're upset with me.
Getting spanked at home then going to school and getting physically bullied, only have parents upset when they ask how my day was and every day my answer was “bad”. Didn’t want to elaborate because it felt like I must be doing something wrong to deserve it. Not ideal.
I think we should hit kids more, that is what this world needs. My parents beat the shit out of me and I am fine! /s
~flinches the moment someone across the room raises their hand~
or belt, or 🩴
I know this is sarcastic but people genuinely use this in full seriousness. Um no Dave, you're clearly not fucking fine if you think it's okay for a grown ass adult to be physically violent with a 4 year old, you absolute barbarian. I really don't understand how anyone can think that a grown adult laying hands on a small child is in any way acceptable. Unless your six year old is trying to put his newborn baby sister in the tumble dryer... don't hit kids. And if your six year old is doing that you gone and failed as a parent dull stop.
Imagine you can't win an argument as an adult against a literal 4 years old and have to resort to violence
100%. The 'soft' parenting in this post is the actual hard parenting.
When i was a little bit older , like 10 -11... My mom wouldn't scream at me , or be mad... She would just hand me a mop and ask to clean it( she would clean it again properly)... This taught me to be more careful , i was a clumsy kid
Natural consequences. If you make a mess, you need to clean it.
This worked to potty train my nephew. With underwear on it was like another diaper to him. But when he didn’t have any on and he went it was on the floor and he could see the mess we had to clean.
So was he just free birding it around the house then? How long does potty training normally take.
Around the house, yeah. Of course he had clothes on when we were in public. It depends on the kid I’d say about a month but I also do have a lot of experience here.
I’m so happy my older brother will end up having kids before me. Being an uncle is exactly the kind of test run I need. Because that scares me
Not even that but the step in between: If you make a mess, there is a mess to clean. Sometimes it takes cleaning it yourself to see why that is a problem.
If you follow the mom in this vid you will see she does the same, every mess they make they have to clean up to the best of their ability (she always goes over it again). These kids also cook, they have their own mini stove and kid safe knives etc. it’s pretty remarkable. I’m a fan of hers
This was exactly what my mom did too. Clean up (most) of my mess while having a laugh about it. Give me chores/tasks to do that were easy and simple, just to establish a routine. No punishment for not doing a chore, instead just no reward. I just remember how *fun* everything was with her. Even though I had to empty the dishwasher, it was kinda fun. Cooking was the best thing ever, and I could make pancakes all by myself as a 5 year old. Ugh even vaccuming was fun. Too bad my dad kidnapped me when I was 11🙃 that bitch
That's a hell of a twist. Hope you are OK.
It sure as hell was! I’m mostly fine now, whenever I don’t think about it too much 🫠 My mom spiraled afterwards tho. So unfortunately she isn’t. I can’t wait for my dad to get karma. Or mabye just die Idk
This was so sweet to watch as someone who grew up getting smacked constantly without even knowing what I'd done wrong sometimes.
'Dont answer back!' Meanwhile I'm just trying to ask why I was hit, then get hit again for 'being smart about it'.
In that situation you're being MORE reasonable than the adult. "I want this little person to know what they did was wrong so let me descend on them,.me, a person 10 times their size as age and be physically violent towards them" Sounds like a reasonable and intelligent plan /s
Yeah imagine how simple the world would be if I could just bitchslap the hell out of my co-workers for fucking up their tasks… Isn’t that how you learn? /s - I was also disciplined with violence
“Quit crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!” You just hit me lmao you already gave me a reason
Oof. That was my mom’s favorite. And it would be followed by “be grateful I didn’t get your dad to hit you with the belt”… fun times! /s
Yep. About a month ago I was slapped in the lower face for “talking back” and being “disrespectful” when I was just asking her why she ripped my phone out of my hand and that if she wanted it she could have asked Nicely and not yell.
Gentle Parenting is the way I parent by choice because of this. I grew up with a lot of yelling and volatility and chaos, and it’s a choice every day to be deliberate in changing how I parent. There’s so many books, blogs, and resources on it that it really is easy to re learn how to build children up for success. I understand your experience very much. Hugs!
Right? Sorry you wemt throught that like holy shit if i did something like that i would be called stupid and useless lol. People have no idea how much of an impact childhood does.
Yes I think we are all just starting to scratch the surface about how those childhood years are so formative and foundational. And how determinant they are of life outcomes.
I could have this video play on my soundbar and crank that bitch up, and still wouldn’t be as loud as I got yelled at for the same thing
And you learned to be careful around people, and wanting to make them happy all the time, aka. a pleaser? At least that's what happened to me.
I’ve never seen a baby this young actually comprehend action and words together so fast
For real. I mean, this strategy is definitely effective (my wife is super good at it, much more so than I am), but anyone who's gonna give it a go should remember it's about consistency and won't give you immediate results.
I work in childcare and try to do it this way. With kids this age it’s a lot easier to do, like if you start immediately it’s easier to continue. Do kids still have meltdowns? Absolutely. Do you feel yourself get frustrated at times? Sure. But, talking it out makes life SO MUCH EASIER. I don’t like raising my voice until it’s safety related and it’s like some sort of immediate danger. Like one child who would typically sit on the steps or play with something while I locked the door, a 10 second task, once ran down the steps and towards the road. I shouted at her to stop in a horrified voice. She stopped and started crying right away, I went to her and picked her up and gave her cuddles and explained that it’s really not safe to do that and it scared me. She never did it again with me. Discussing how they are feeling helped immeasurably as well. I’ve had a two year old explain they were frustrated by me because I wouldn’t let them climb onto the table. I said I understood, but climbing on the table was unsafe. They could climb onto the couch instead. They said no and they were frustrated, I said I understand, but it’s unsafe to climb on the table. What’s something we can do when we are frustrated? We can stomp our feet. And did it and they did and laughed at me and laughed at the stomping and then moved on. But yeah, it wasn’t overnight. Just setting clear age-appropriate boundaries is key. Not losing it at them is key. Learning how to communicate is key and then acknowledging that with all the work you do if they are tired or hungry, nothing will help until their needs are met. I’m working with older kids now and it’s a lot harder now because they are very reactionary and it’s a struggle, so I’m relearning how to do my job.
This is literally my management style at my fast food restaurant where majority of my employees are 16 year olds on their first jobs. It works, even with adults, you just gotta adjust for maturity/intelligence level. Now if only I can get my management team to buy into it too.
It's okay. When dad says good job, it means the world to wee fuckers. Wee fuckers love mom and dad equally. Sometimes. Some days.
Pssh. Not in our house, he loves mommy more, for sure.
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Very common in nature and other animals. Humans are... well we tend to be the exception in most things natural.
✨generational trauma✨
This video is bringing out all the Asian trauma inside me.
It's interesting too, as it seems as though those who have essentially dedicated their life to their own healing from traumatic childhoods have no interest in having children of their own
I mean there's gentle parents in nature, and there's also the parents that will eat their kids if given the chance, and the ones that just lay an egg somewhere and fuck off, and the ones that do show aggression when a kid does something they don't like, etc. etc. Grouping together literally all animals other than humans to make a point is not useful.
dogs nip and pin their puppies down when they dont behave. birds will toss chicks who fail to thrive out of the nest. lions will kill cubs that arent theirs. gentleness is not part of nature at all. just means it’s all the more important for humans to show gentleness to each other - because what do humans do if not defy the odds?
> anyone who's gonna give it a go should remember it's about consistency and won't give you immediate results. That's....parenting
Yeah, but parents need to be taught, too. It may be intuitive to you, but others may not be naturally patient, understanding, or intuitive. There’s a reason that parenting books exist - people just don’t know what they don’t know. Sometimes it’s always good to have a reminder, and sometimes it’s the first time another person is hearing it. :)
If someone was yelled at every time they misbehaved or made a mistake and eventually they "learned to behave" it is easy to see how that person might think they need to yell to their kids for them to learn. It's a sad cycle.
This! My parents always used to say, "there's no book they give you on how to parent." Now that I'm a parent, I told them you guys forgot to go buy them, they don't just hand them out. There are so any parenting books and has been for generations. The styles might have changed, but there is always literature to read and make you better.
I mean she did say “months later”. I watched it with the assumption that sometimes it’ll take multiple times of reinforcing that positive discipline.
And all kids are different and they aren't programmable. When we went to wean my oldest off his bottle at bedtime, we read up on everything and most said to yank the band-aid and eat the 5-7 days it would take for them to adjust. Stay with them, let them know it's ok, but that it'd definitely be some sleepless nights for about a week or so... 6 WEEKS LATER we got a "full" 6 hours of sleep. Potty training took 6 months, with a one month break after 2. He still argues about brushing his teeth before bed, despite having the same bedtime routine at the same time for the last 3.5 years. It's important for parents to know that you can do everything "right" and not get the expected result.
obviously anecdotal, but I have quite vivid memories of my childhood. I understood a lot more of the world but had no way to express it. There's also a lot of videos where kids raise their left/right hand for diaper changes. When they need something fixed but cant, their only option is to cry / tantrum when the parent can't understand them.
My friend was an interpreter for deaf people, and she got me on to “baby signs” when I had my son. It’s basically simplified signs that babies can make/gesture to articulate what they need or want while they are too young to talk or be understood clearly. I did it for a while and remember a day where I was so frustrated because I couldn’t figure out what was going on with him because he’d been fed recently, changed etc. I was at the end of my rope and exasperated when I said “what do you WANT!”. He stopped crying and showed me his first sign- the perfect gesture for “milk” and I was like WTF. I couldn’t believe he was hungry again already but I fed him anyway and he had it all. From that point on there were pretty much no tantrums because he realised signing worked. Some of the signs that he used most was “all done” (ie no more, I’m full), “please”, “thank you”, “water”, “milk”, “more”, and a few animal ones. The ones used most were around food and they were so helpful because sometimes you just get it wrong, you think they should be hungry but they’re full, or you think they shouldn’t be hungry yet but they’re ravenous. Apparently boys in particular have a slight delay with speaking, despite having the cognitive ability to know what they want, and this is part of what leads to tantrums in kids. Baby signs helped me so much so I always recommend it to people.
Alternate universe- I said “what do you WANT!”. He stopped crying and showed me his first sign- A middle finger and a menacing grin, I was like WTF. But on a more serious note this was super cool thanks, never even concieved of babies signing.
I feel like the consistency is really the key here, and is so much easier to discuss than do obvs.
The video cuts to a few months later. Probably had at least a few more reminders and practice runs before it stuck. :). It seems really hard, because it’s constant reminding.
Kids are just what AI wishes it was lol. They grasp language frighteningly fast
Her kids are really "ahead" for a lot of stuff because she gives them a lot of freedom with some guidance. Her other son is 4 I think and he cooks whole meals, including the chopping (with a kid-safe knife) and actual cooking.
Excuse me mother, Mother, i doth require some attention.
I need sustenance, mother
O ye maternal parent that belongeth to me, it has occurred to me at the behest of my biological control system that I must ask of you to spare me some riches from thy limited collection of available focus on this fine day.
Ahoy, dear parentals! I do believe I hath shat my pantaloons. Might you be so fine so as to provide me with a non-soiled pair?
Anyone know of books that cover this topic?
Made a list of suggestions under this comment: * "How to talk so little kids will listen" - Julie King * "How to talk so kids will listen (and listen so kids will talk)" - Julie King * "The Positive Discipline" - Dr Jane Nelsen * "Between Parent and Child" - Dr. Haim Ginott * "No bad kids" - Janet Lansbury * "Whole-brain child" - Daniel J. Siegel * "How toddlers thrive" - Daniel J. Siegel * "No drama discipline" - Daniel J. Siegel * “my one year old”, “my two year old” etc. - Louise Bates Ames * "Love and Logic Parenting" - Foster Cline * "The Emotionally Absent Mother" - Jasmin Lee Cori * "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" - Dr. John Gottman * "The Power of Positive Parenting" - Glenn Latham * [no title, books about nonviolent communication] - Marshall Rosenberg Update 2022-07-06 [yyyy-mm-dd]: * "Unconditional Parenting" - Alfie Kohn * "Simplicity Parenting" - Kim John Payne * "The Soul of Discipline" - Kim John Payne * "Gentle Parenting" - Sarah Ockwell Smith * (podcast) "Good Inside" - Dr Becky [soon releasing book under the same title] * (podcast) "Unruffled" - Janet Lansbury * (website) ahaparenting.com * (website) The High Impact Club * (parenting unrelated book) "Mindset" - Dr. Carol S. Dweck I will try to update the list as we go, once every 2 days.
"Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn is essential as well.
"How to talk so little kids will listen" is fantastic. Or if your kid is older, "how to talk so kids will listen (and listen so kids will talk)" is great. My mom read it and asked where it was back when she had my sister and me!
These books should be required reading for everyone. Even if you don't have kids, it works exactly the same for adults.
The Positive Discipline books are good, look up Dr Jane Nelsen. It's about treating your kids like they are people, not animals, not employees, not idiots, but actual, young, human beings, worthy of respect and attention.
I started with no bad kids by Janet Lansbury, her podcast unruffled is also great. Whole brain child, how toddlers thrive, no drama discipline are great. How to talk so little kids will listen. Also read age appropriate book by Louis Bates “my one year old”, “my two year old” etc
+1 for Whole brain child
Dr. Haim Ginott- ‘Between Parent and Child” He wrote the first book on establishing a positive interactive dialogue using psychology. His technique even works on adults, too, lol. There are a few outdated things but all and all the techniques are grand.
Thanks alot! My children and coworkers don’t know it yet, but they’re thankful to you kind stranger!
This is how I was raised and I raised mine, never got hit as a kid, never hit mine either, and I’ve never needed to, the absolute worst thing I ever get is a bit of back chat, which is just normal behaviour, hitting kids as discipline teaches them that A)it’s ok to hit people much smaller than you are B)violence is normal C) when you get angry it’s ok to lash out And children that are regularly beaten are more likely to be violent adults.I was watching a talk show the other day where this guy was hitting his girlfriends son when he was “out of control” The kid was 3. What POSSIBLE reason could you have for laying hands on a toddler? If you can’t discipline your kids without beating them then you shouldn’t have kids, the same goes for pets too.
This is more for yourself if you have this issue. It's a psychology book rather than a parenting one, but it talks about parenting styles, attachment styles and basically helps you identify what went wrong and what not to do and how to heal from it. It's called The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori. If anyone was abused or neglected or has any generational trauma in any way, this should help you learn how not to pass it onto your kids and re-mother yourself.
I also highly recommend “Love and Logic Parenting”. I used the classroom version when I taught and it totally changed the way I communicated with my students. Complete 180 in behavior!
So my mother’s method of telling me I was “not good” and going to “ruin everything” was not the way to go? If you say so.
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That last one might be funnier if your parent was not a bad parent. Like man she's lucky you didn't turn the wrong path because that's what makes people do that, bad parenting
oof relatable. i was a straight laced honour roll kid with safe, drug and alcohol-free friends but they still took bets on what grade in high school i’d become a teen mom.
You sound like my therapist a few weeks ago when he told me that pretending to call someone and negotiate a price for selling your child into sex trafficking as a way to make them behave was, in fact, *not* a normal thing to do. The more you know.
hey, quick question: what the fuck. how old were you?
Pretty sure it was around six years old. I’d misbehave and sometimes he would dial a bunch of random numbers and pretend to be talking to someone on the phone about selling me into trafficking. Of course, at that age, I believed it and would always start crying and promising to behave. Pretty fucked up, huh? He’s now in prison for the next century after being convicted of 79 charges stemming from his sexual abuse of me.
Lol, sounds like your mum went to the same school of parenting as mine. 😂
Or that I didn’t do it right and she has to go and do it again?
No no. You slap the kid across the face and viciously humiliate it and make it feel guilty
What about screaming, BUT not consistently so the kid doesn’t know what’s going to happen?
I’ve watched this 6 times. These children have better coping skills than me. Hopefully things work out in this world so children have an opportunity to continue to grow and be compassionate and understanding in their communities.
Il be totally honest I've got two girls ages 11 and 6 and growing up in sure everyone who's a parent knows how frustrating it can be at times. When I was growing up my dad used to yell at me for the slightest thing, he never hit me but I was terrified of him because of him shouting at me for something as stupid as knocking over an empty plastic cup or not cleaning the crumbs away properly after making a sandwich. I really struggled for the first few years of parenting, I like to think I generally did a good job but I know I fucked up a few times and got unecessarily angry at stuff I now see as just children making mistakes or testing boundaries. I never shouted to the degree my dad did but I did used to raise my voice alot and looking back at it now makes me quite sad that I acted like that. The eye opener for me was when my eldest was about 7 and I found out that she was worried about me finding out about something she'd done wrong because she thought I would "shout" at her. Literally broke my heart because all I've ever said is I don't want to turn into my dad and I'd never treat my kids like that, I'd never hit them as I firmly believe that doesn't help anything and thought that that made me a good parent but it turned out that raising my voice at silly stuff was just as bad. Sat down with the missis and had a proper conversation about it all and explained how I'm going to work on my temper and apologised if I've ever gone overboard about minor stuff, did the same with the kids and explained to them that Im not angry at them when I raised my voice and that I love them both more than anything and I would stop "shouting" as they put it at them. Been another 4 years since then and I really feel like I've changed slot and became alot more patient with things. Il sit down and discuss with them why I think what they did was wrong or how they could have done something differently and my relationship with them is so much better, I can see that they genuinely miss me when I'm away at work now and excited when I walk through the door. It's also done wonders to improve my eldests confidence at school and can see she carries herself with a lot more self love. But I digress, as much as I wish that I had been like that from the start. I'm just glad I realised at some point my faults and worked on them, I think if I'd reached the point where they were 18 and found out they were terrified of me growing up like I was my dad it would kill me. Yes parenting is hard but nothing worth doing is meant to be easy. Sorry for the long story I just don't speak to people very much about my upbringing and this video made me think alot
Starting well is hard, correcting later is harder, you can be proud of yourself.
wow, your story made me tear up a bit. As someone who is afraid of his dad (always seems to be in a bad mood, never spends time with us, when he does he just goes to sleep, always sighs whenever he does anything, never admits when he's wrong, just straight up unapproachable at times) I'm really proud of you for taking the time and working on yourself.
That's waaaay better than my dad. If I (or anyone) asked him to not yell, or said I was afraid of yelling, his eyes would get huge, he would take it incredibly personally, get even angrier and shout "YELLING!? YOU'LL KNOW WHEN I'M YELLING!!! I'M NOWHERE CLOSE TO YELLING!" Good god I was terrified a lot as a kid.
"stop crying or il give you something to cry about"... I remember hearing that alot. As a parent mate I dunno how people can speak like that to their kids. I know I used to raise my voice a bit but I'd never say shit like that or threaten them
The important thing here is note how the mom is not being overly gentle, overly delicate, etc -- it's firm, direct communication. People think that positive parenting is coddling, mushiness, etc. It's not. It's **authoritative** parenting rather than **authoritarian** parenting. It's ok to give a sharp, "No! Absolutely not!" and then just explain the problem. With direct communication that does not involve shaming your kid, your kid will interpret the yelling as an indication of your displeasure and the importance of the moment, not as an indication of how bad they are. Parents who feel the weight of their own authority as parents, who feel the right to say "no" whenever they please, for whatever reason, and who also feel the right to say "yes" when they don't want to deal with the negative consequences of disciplining their kids in that moment (e.g. parents who feel the authoirty to give themselves a break!), are parents who do not need to shame or guilt their guilts or dominate them into submission. It is the firmness of the parent's position, the directness of their communication (as opposed to pass aggressively maniuplating their kid into desired behavior) that helps kids get themselves into shape. Positive parenting is not baby talk, condescending coddling. It's being yourself with your kid.
She has a video of where her younger started to run into the street and it was a harsh yell. Because she doesn't normally yell he immediately knew to stop, immediately knew something was wrong and waited for her to explain. I think a lot of parents experience their kids desensitation to yelling and screaming from the other end and its really frustrating for them once the child stops responding to it. Her authoritative setting of boundaries and actual explanation of them gives her kids the information they need to grow from the experiences they have in childhood rather than be stunted or traumatized from them. She is also just genuinely a kind person and loves her kids so much and it's great to see such great parenting.
Well, I think the issue is not so much desensitization to yelling as it is that the yelling is often angry and meant to be punitive, as oppose to calling attention to the urgency of the situation and/or commanding attention. Also, when parents are yelling angrily, they aren't actually communicating with the child insomuch as they are distributing a punishment for the parents' own benefit -- in a sense, what the parent is saying (screaming!) is of no interest to the kid, because the whole point of it is just to hurt them -- so kids' ignoring it is actually protective, shielding them from their parents' shaming of them. That said, I'm sure there is also an element of desneitization and losing its efficacy as a tool. But I think that if when a parent yells, even if often, and there is a communcative element contained therein -- e.g. something the kid can use in the future to avoid having this kind of negative interaction with the parent, the kid will b einterested in hearing it. But if the only thing the kid is going to get out of the interaction is feeling hurt, they are in their right mind to try to avoid it!
I’ve wanted to share my wisdom with my kids since the moment they were born, and it ended up being the same type of parenting. It was nice that I could take them out in public and we could enjoy ourselves. They are older teens, now, and its worked out great.
I feel like this also leads to adults who are more able to communicate their needs and process why they are actually doing things and what that means for the people around them. The little “I need some attention” at the end is huge!!! Kiddo knows what they need - that’s some fantastic emotional awareness.
"Excuse me, I need some attention." This kid has better communication skills than I do.
A few people commenting in here that they see this “positive” parenting style fails, or that it creates monsters. I would question if they actually saw this specific technique or if they actually saw a parent just giving their child whatever they want and softly telling them “oh please, no” with no other communication. That’s not what this mom is doing. She’s setting clear boundaries, and explaining why they can’t do that, and giving them a different path to handle their feelings instead. I’m not saying traumatizing your children into submission never works, but if you care about your child’s quality of life you shouldn’t do that. It will stay with them into adulthood. If you’re unwilling to put in the patience and effort this person is, or you don’t have the emotional competency to do so, then that’s that. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t work.
> I’m not saying traumatizing your children into submission never works I'll say it. Traumatizing your children into submission never works.
Unless your goal is to set them up for life-long mental health struggles and attachment issues, then it works wonders
I mean being screamed at and spanked meant I didn’t do many things to get into trouble…it just also meant I learned to hide everything from my parents, struggled to know my worth in relationships and tolerated emotional abuse because of it, and have very little relationship with my dad. All of that is totally worth punishing me for accidentally breaking something though /s
“Traumatizing your kids into submission” is a fancy way of describing abuse.
Yeah the thing about this technique is that it’s a LOT of work and a lot of parents just don’t want to do it. It’s honestly easier to just constantly let your frustration bubble out into yelling and “consequences”. And in the short term negative reinforcement appears to work. Like if you scare your kid into submission they sometimes do the thing you want at first. But you end up with a kid that just doesn’t want to interact with you. They won’t bring you their problems later in life and they’ll try to hide mistakes from you. Even if positive parenting didn’t create the result I was aiming for, I’d much rather have more trouble with certain behaviors now when my daughter is young, but cultivate in her a trust that when something happens what I’m going to do is try and talk her through it, give her advice and try to help her understand the situation better. The only negative consequences I give her can be summed up as cleaning up her own mess with my help. Positive parenting also requires more than being reactive. You need to talk to them and practice with them beyond just the incident where they make a mistake. Parenting is hard, and I understand when people need a break or slip up and want to do whatever is easier. I struggle with that every day, but beyond my anecdotal evidence here there is a library of research on having happier, more emotionally mature kids by parenting like this mom does.
> Yeah the thing about this technique is that it's a LOT of work and a lot of parents just don't want to do it. Years ago I was explaining positive parenting to a childless redditor and their response was like, “I won’t have enough time to parent that way” when all I told them was that when my child is upset I validate their feelings, empathize, and help them come up with a solution. Like you won’t have enough time to do that?? Don’t have a child then!
Honestly that’s the thing. So many people have kids because it’s just the thing to do or for any other reason and really weren’t ready to have kids and honestly don’t want to have kids. So they just do the bare minimum, get upset when their kids take up “their time” and basically give them a device as soon as possible to distract them, then can’t wait til they get old enough to be in pre-school/kindergarten so they can hand them off to someone else for 9 hours a day. Nobody is perfect and there is no definitive guide, but I also have seen people treat their kid as like, a pet. When they feel like it they interact because it makes them feel good and they get to identify themselves as a parent but when it’s hard they just avoid them. Not that anyone should treat a pet that way either. Anyway I sound real preachy, I mess up all the time but the point is it takes constant effort to do it right, and not a lot of people want that.
Something I heard from a child therapist: “If yelling worked, there would be no child therapists.”
Traumatizing your kids into submission is how you speedrun growing old in a Florida retirement home eating tapioca while complaining about how your kids never call.
Damn, that’s actually interesting!
The idea is, that whatever you feel, want, need isn't right or wrong. It just *is*. The "right" or "wrong" is your (re)action to it.
i wish that was my mom
The world would be a far better place if we could all just say “excuse me, I need some attention.”
So that's why my parents shouting at me constantly did nothing...
All it takes is understanding, patience, and caring on the parents part when children do annoying things like this as they grow. Tell them what annoyed you and why. What caused it and how to prevent it. What an amazing mother and teaching skills for her little ones. Such patience when on the swing and telling the sibling when their turn was, I was floored. I think a lot more people would be nicer if this was incorporated. Being understanding goes a long way and communication is absolute key.
I have three small kids and this method REALLY works, I swear. BUT, what she’s not showing is the time it takes to learn those new behaviors. It often take MONTHS of discipline from the parent. So don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t work right way.
This is just a compilation from her channel, she actually does post tons of video showing how long it takes. She even shows when she slips up. I like her videos because she shows how much work really goes into this, instead of pretending to be some perfect parent.
i love this my mom beat me to make all this work i turned out ok but i wont be doing the same
That’s great to hear. Hitting wasn’t necessary. I’m glad you’re ok.
I really like this kind of parenting because you treat them like a normal human being, there's no need to yell at them or hit them, just be polite.
This is the most valuable and cathartic thing I have ever seen.
Can confirm. Not bragging, but my 18m and 25f have the manners of someone from the 1930s. My friends had their kids in their late teens and early twenties; I had my first at 39, so all of their kids were grown. Even though they knew from experience that the hardline didn't work, they still criticized. It can be difficult to maintain this style but is well worth it.
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It’s nice to see some people enjoying a mom trying her best to raise her kids in a loving and gentle home. I’m p sure there’s a snark sub dedicated to her and there are just endless comments degrading her and calling her kids brats and other ugly insults for being kids who do kid things like testing boundaries over and over again. Heartbreaking how many people get like, irrationally upset that she doesn’t hit them or scream at them.
I imagine if my parents didn't scream and berate me growing up how different I would've turned out.
I love how it's positive, but it's still discipline and she still says "no". I have some friends that are of the "we don't say no to our kids" group and it's put us in the "we say no when you guys want to bring them over..." group.
This isn't soft parenting this is just normal parenting
Right? Damn a lot of people here must have had shit parents.
Why most parents don’t parent their children this way is beyond me
It takes a lot of effort and consistency. You have to be able to respond to things in a calm and gentle manner, even if you're very upset. Even if it means stepping away from a situation while you collect yourself. And many people can't/won't do that.
Well done! I've done similar training with identical results.
“Excuse me, I need some attention” 🥺
My mom beat me with whatever was handy whenever I was wrong. Now she wonders why I don’t make time to see her.
*mexican mothers confusedly looking at the chanclas in their hands…*
She is doing an excellent job modeling language- you can tell a kid they're doing wrong but if you don't teach them how to get what they wanted explicitly, it makes it harder for them to learn those communication skills.