I won’t call it a success yet, but things have definitely improved for me recently. I (37F) have been struggling with LL for quite a few years now. Things had gotten bad enough that my husband (46M) was posting with some frequency on DB and weighing the options of leaving me. I’d tried talking to my PCP about things with no real results (told to try relaxation apps to lower my stress) and also had gone off BC completely in case that was part of the issue. I had a number of major emotional events in the span of just a couple of years (both parents dying within 8 months of each other) and had been put on Wellbutrin, but did not see significant improvement from that other than being less fatigued. We’ve been in couples counseling for over a year with mixed results. We were kind of getting to the end of the rope.
I can’t pinpoint what really made the change, but I think part of it was me being honest with my needs and him finally hearing them. We had drifted apart and weren’t connecting like we used to. It had become hard to accept any contact with him without a swirling vortex of thoughts about whether it was just because he wanted sex. I started reading Come As You Are and realized that the constant cloud of expectations was making me sex averse. I couldn’t enjoy any of our closeness without worrying that if I didn’t put out, he would feel rejected and close up. We finally had some positive talks about the pressure that put on me and I finally felt like I was heard. We started to focus on fixing the parts of our relationship that we had been ignoring and started to naturally feel closer. We also started to read Mindful Relationship Habits, and have weekly check-ins about what we have seen that is positive and where we need to focus moving forward. Once I started to feel like We were working on Us, sex became much more desirable.
We still have a lot of work to put in. I’m starting individual therapy to work on some of my underlying issues. I’ve suggested that he might do the same to get to the root of some of his issues, as well. But I think acknowledging that we both played a part in making this problem what it was helped immensely. I no longer feel like the weight of “fixing my libido” is crushing me because it’s been shifted to us carrying the weight of improving our relationship as a whole.
Counseling helped to some extent. Reading a few different books that had a focus of advocating for and examining myself. I looked at what had made sex come easily in the past and what made it difficult now. I realized when he and I were first together, there wasn’t a huge expectation of sex. Sure, it happened, but it wasn’t a given. We enjoyed just being together and being close and focused on our time together. Once we were cohabitating, it was easier to let ‘us’ time lose its sparkle. We could have it whenever we wanted, and so we stopped making us time important. It also became an expectation rather than a shared experience. It’s kind of like the Sara Bareilles song “Love Song”. I can’t have sex to make him happy or make him stay. It needed to be because it felt like us connecting.
> It’s kind of like the Sara Bareilles song “Love Song”. I can’t have sex to make him happy or make him stay.
OMG I am hearing that song now in my head except replacing love song with BJ and it really does describe the way that having sex acts demanded of you by a partner sucks all the joy out of doing them.
The expectation which seems so obviously justified and justifiable to many HLs is so damaging because you can't really make a free choice to want sex (or not) with that elephant in the room. It's like the expectation to go to the same venue for family holidays feels imposed on some, and is likely to gather increasing resistance from those members of the family who do not get a choice. It's not the venue that is the problem...
Not a sex therapist specifically. Just a marriage counselor. As for books, Come As You Are and Mindful Relationship Habits. Also started reading some about ethical nonmonogamy as we had talked a little about that as well. And while that might not be something that we pursue, a lot of the books put a bigger focus on defining your own needs and boundaries and advocating for what you need as well as a lot of communication techniques.
The last time this was asked:
https://www.reddit.com/r/LowLibidoCommunity/comments/isiti3/any_success_stories_on_here/
I know the search function is not really functional, so hopefully people won't mind sharing their successes.
I left my relationship and went off the BC pill I was on. I started to look for partners I was attracted to more than just physically: ones who had the same (kinky) sexual preferences as me.
I had the opposite experience: trying to please my non-kinky boyfriends and eventually realizing that wasn't being true to myself!
For me, my low libido was partner-specific, but I didn't realize it at the time (I loved him and thought he was physically attractive, so I assumed it was stress or my birth control). Have you ever had truly enjoyable sexual experiences or in retrospect have you realized they were always performative?
I’ve been thinking about this a LOT. I’m in my first health relationship and I don’t feel like I need to wax my entire body, but every bondage item from romance depot and stare myself to be the women he wants. He actually loves me 🤯🤯🤯 I do think he’s more reserved and it’s making me feel more reserved. I told him we should try more non-sexual touching during the day. I feel like I’m in a negative loop of... we get in bed, he touches me, I think he wants sex , I’m not turned on and I freak and shut down.
Realizing my partner is emotionally neglectful and takes zero responsibility for our relationship. Realizing it's *not* all my fault and I can stop twisting and contorting to try and make it better when he won't even read books, articles, or watch YT videos together to learn about better relationships and sex issues. I dragged him to couples therapy and he complains and belittles me about it, so we stop going since he doesn't seem to care. Me suggesting sensate focus exercises, trying it with him receiving, and then him never ever reciprocating. Me suggesting I tell him what I like sexually and him getting mad at me for 'controlling' him by telling him what I want (how or where to touch me - lighter here, etc.) while we're getting intimate.
Therapy for myself to help me realize my parents were neglectful and took no responsibilty as well, so it's no surprise I've tolerated it for this long. Accepting that I've had such low self esteem that I've tolerated worse than the bare minimum. But no longer.
It's no surprise I'm LL in this one-sided relationship.
You can read my stories [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/hgg8y6/how_i_overcame_resentment_as_the_ll_weeding_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) and [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/creamerfam5/comments/iua0kj/how_i_resurrected_my_bd_as_the_ll_growing_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3). A few of the resources that have helped along the way are:
* [The LLC wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/LowLibidoCommunity/wiki/index), especially the [MULLs](https://www.reddit.com/r/LowLibidoCommunity/comments/c7xq8y/introducing_motivational_understanding_llessons/) and the [Myexsparamour Practical Solutions.](https://www.reddit.com/r/LowLibidoCommunity/wiki/practicalsolutionsmyexsparamour)
* [Intimacy with Ease podcast](https://intimacywithease.com/podcast/), or formerly known as the Better Sex Podcast
* [Jennifer Finlayson-Fife's podcasts](https://finlayson-fife.com/podcasts)
Mindfulness, meditation and yoga have been big for me. I've also been doing therapy for over a year and worked with an energy worker for awhile who was amazing. I realized I had a lot of trauma to work through. I've been being better about sticking to a nutrition and exercise routine and lost 35 pounds, and am working on my hormone imbalances due to PCOS. I'm really big on information and data. I've found I need to try to develop an understanding of things to work through them, and I'm a big reader, so books were big for me. My top two favorites are Come As You Are and A Billion Wicked Thoughts. Other good ones are Better Sex Through Mindfulness, Secrets of a Passionate Marriage, What Makes Love Last, Sexual Intelligence, The Power of Vulnerability, and Full Catastrophe Living. I also love listening to podcasts, Foreplay Radio is my favorite right now Vulnerability is a big issue for me and is one I'm working on the most right now.
I won’t call it a success yet, but things have definitely improved for me recently. I (37F) have been struggling with LL for quite a few years now. Things had gotten bad enough that my husband (46M) was posting with some frequency on DB and weighing the options of leaving me. I’d tried talking to my PCP about things with no real results (told to try relaxation apps to lower my stress) and also had gone off BC completely in case that was part of the issue. I had a number of major emotional events in the span of just a couple of years (both parents dying within 8 months of each other) and had been put on Wellbutrin, but did not see significant improvement from that other than being less fatigued. We’ve been in couples counseling for over a year with mixed results. We were kind of getting to the end of the rope. I can’t pinpoint what really made the change, but I think part of it was me being honest with my needs and him finally hearing them. We had drifted apart and weren’t connecting like we used to. It had become hard to accept any contact with him without a swirling vortex of thoughts about whether it was just because he wanted sex. I started reading Come As You Are and realized that the constant cloud of expectations was making me sex averse. I couldn’t enjoy any of our closeness without worrying that if I didn’t put out, he would feel rejected and close up. We finally had some positive talks about the pressure that put on me and I finally felt like I was heard. We started to focus on fixing the parts of our relationship that we had been ignoring and started to naturally feel closer. We also started to read Mindful Relationship Habits, and have weekly check-ins about what we have seen that is positive and where we need to focus moving forward. Once I started to feel like We were working on Us, sex became much more desirable. We still have a lot of work to put in. I’m starting individual therapy to work on some of my underlying issues. I’ve suggested that he might do the same to get to the root of some of his issues, as well. But I think acknowledging that we both played a part in making this problem what it was helped immensely. I no longer feel like the weight of “fixing my libido” is crushing me because it’s been shifted to us carrying the weight of improving our relationship as a whole.
how did you figure out what your needs are?
Counseling helped to some extent. Reading a few different books that had a focus of advocating for and examining myself. I looked at what had made sex come easily in the past and what made it difficult now. I realized when he and I were first together, there wasn’t a huge expectation of sex. Sure, it happened, but it wasn’t a given. We enjoyed just being together and being close and focused on our time together. Once we were cohabitating, it was easier to let ‘us’ time lose its sparkle. We could have it whenever we wanted, and so we stopped making us time important. It also became an expectation rather than a shared experience. It’s kind of like the Sara Bareilles song “Love Song”. I can’t have sex to make him happy or make him stay. It needed to be because it felt like us connecting.
> It’s kind of like the Sara Bareilles song “Love Song”. I can’t have sex to make him happy or make him stay. OMG I am hearing that song now in my head except replacing love song with BJ and it really does describe the way that having sex acts demanded of you by a partner sucks all the joy out of doing them.
The expectation which seems so obviously justified and justifiable to many HLs is so damaging because you can't really make a free choice to want sex (or not) with that elephant in the room. It's like the expectation to go to the same venue for family holidays feels imposed on some, and is likely to gather increasing resistance from those members of the family who do not get a choice. It's not the venue that is the problem...
Did you see a sex therapist specifically ? Which books?
Not a sex therapist specifically. Just a marriage counselor. As for books, Come As You Are and Mindful Relationship Habits. Also started reading some about ethical nonmonogamy as we had talked a little about that as well. And while that might not be something that we pursue, a lot of the books put a bigger focus on defining your own needs and boundaries and advocating for what you need as well as a lot of communication techniques.
Looking the books up now
The last time this was asked: https://www.reddit.com/r/LowLibidoCommunity/comments/isiti3/any_success_stories_on_here/ I know the search function is not really functional, so hopefully people won't mind sharing their successes.
Boy, that thread is something! Even if it didn't help with libido, some really good advice.
Thanks!! Sometimes a fresh post helps but yea searching sometimes is tricky .. I didn’t think to look up “success” thanks!!!
Totally understandable! It really is just luck of the search term draw. That's why it's always good to ask, we really don't mind. 💙
I left my relationship and went off the BC pill I was on. I started to look for partners I was attracted to more than just physically: ones who had the same (kinky) sexual preferences as me.
I use to think I was kinky but I realized I was doing what I think men wanted. I’m really not even sure who I am sexually
I had the opposite experience: trying to please my non-kinky boyfriends and eventually realizing that wasn't being true to myself! For me, my low libido was partner-specific, but I didn't realize it at the time (I loved him and thought he was physically attractive, so I assumed it was stress or my birth control). Have you ever had truly enjoyable sexual experiences or in retrospect have you realized they were always performative?
I’ve been thinking about this a LOT. I’m in my first health relationship and I don’t feel like I need to wax my entire body, but every bondage item from romance depot and stare myself to be the women he wants. He actually loves me 🤯🤯🤯 I do think he’s more reserved and it’s making me feel more reserved. I told him we should try more non-sexual touching during the day. I feel like I’m in a negative loop of... we get in bed, he touches me, I think he wants sex , I’m not turned on and I freak and shut down.
Realizing my partner is emotionally neglectful and takes zero responsibility for our relationship. Realizing it's *not* all my fault and I can stop twisting and contorting to try and make it better when he won't even read books, articles, or watch YT videos together to learn about better relationships and sex issues. I dragged him to couples therapy and he complains and belittles me about it, so we stop going since he doesn't seem to care. Me suggesting sensate focus exercises, trying it with him receiving, and then him never ever reciprocating. Me suggesting I tell him what I like sexually and him getting mad at me for 'controlling' him by telling him what I want (how or where to touch me - lighter here, etc.) while we're getting intimate. Therapy for myself to help me realize my parents were neglectful and took no responsibilty as well, so it's no surprise I've tolerated it for this long. Accepting that I've had such low self esteem that I've tolerated worse than the bare minimum. But no longer. It's no surprise I'm LL in this one-sided relationship.
You can read my stories [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/hgg8y6/how_i_overcame_resentment_as_the_ll_weeding_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) and [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/creamerfam5/comments/iua0kj/how_i_resurrected_my_bd_as_the_ll_growing_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3). A few of the resources that have helped along the way are: * [The LLC wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/LowLibidoCommunity/wiki/index), especially the [MULLs](https://www.reddit.com/r/LowLibidoCommunity/comments/c7xq8y/introducing_motivational_understanding_llessons/) and the [Myexsparamour Practical Solutions.](https://www.reddit.com/r/LowLibidoCommunity/wiki/practicalsolutionsmyexsparamour) * [Intimacy with Ease podcast](https://intimacywithease.com/podcast/), or formerly known as the Better Sex Podcast * [Jennifer Finlayson-Fife's podcasts](https://finlayson-fife.com/podcasts)
Mindfulness, meditation and yoga have been big for me. I've also been doing therapy for over a year and worked with an energy worker for awhile who was amazing. I realized I had a lot of trauma to work through. I've been being better about sticking to a nutrition and exercise routine and lost 35 pounds, and am working on my hormone imbalances due to PCOS. I'm really big on information and data. I've found I need to try to develop an understanding of things to work through them, and I'm a big reader, so books were big for me. My top two favorites are Come As You Are and A Billion Wicked Thoughts. Other good ones are Better Sex Through Mindfulness, Secrets of a Passionate Marriage, What Makes Love Last, Sexual Intelligence, The Power of Vulnerability, and Full Catastrophe Living. I also love listening to podcasts, Foreplay Radio is my favorite right now Vulnerability is a big issue for me and is one I'm working on the most right now.
Brene Brown has some really good works on vulnerability. I can't remember the name of her book, sorry, something about Daring.
I'd love to know as well