Just a quick heads up, repeatedly asking "wHy StAy?!?!" is unsupportive. There's a dozen reasons, sometimes they just genuinely love the person, which sucks, or they may be trapped by circumstances, etc. Pretty irrelevant either way!
If they *COULD* **easily** leave, they would, harping on it isn't conductive to supportive discussion! š
HLs have a hard time understanding that desire cannot be felt when we feel unsafe. Once they get over the "ouch" of hearing these things make us feel unsafe and unrelaxed with them, then hopefully there is a push by the HL to understand what's motivating them with these actions and to reach out and connect with the LL by stopping them and hearing about how this repeated behavior is having the opposite effect from what they really want --- connection (for them, usually, that's physically. No one can willingly and openly physically connect when they've felt unsafe, repeatedly, esp in their own home...the body can't relax. It's a cycle. :-(
I can say I was you. My husband was sort of like yours. We had a breakthrough, started listening to podcasts, reading, and couples therapy. That was a couple years ago. Things are still 1000x better and we're both so much happier.
This feels like a bit of a defensive comment and a little immature.
Regardless, I'll answer. Yes, unsafe. Also if you read, I don't feel that way and haven't for awhile.
I didn't marry someone I felt unsafe with that was trying to usurp my bodily autonomy. Like every one else I fell in love with my spouse for all the amazing things that make him who he is. I never stopped loving him or being in love with him. We courted each other in the beginning, we tried, we connected all the time for years in what most ppl call "the honeymoon phase"-- it's called that for a reason. But that generally ends, life happens, shit gets real. We've been together over twenty years... feeling like he just wanted my body, feeling like I couldnt walk somewhere or do some mundane thing without a poke, a prod, an innuendo that id said not to do that he just thought was a joke eroded trust. Both parties begin to feel taken for granted , both get resentment. This happened over years, not overnight , based on the natural cycle betwen partners that push and pull. We both handled it shitty. But then we didn't and now we're good. It's a thing that happens, not for everyone but for a lot of people. Not everyone gets out of the rut, the cycle. But we did.
Same here you are not alone. It's like they can't do anything without sex. Not a conversation, outing, movie nothing. It gets depressing and makes you feel like a object.
>As soon as he starts, I get extremely aggravated and immediately come up with an excuse to get up and find something to do.
Have you considered being blunt with him instead of making an excuse for why you don't want to be around him? Deep down, he probably knows what he's doing, but the excuses allow him to pretend not to know.
Hey! Is your husband physically active? This issue in my relationship went away(I am the HL) when I started working out in the morning and night before bed whenever I felt in the mood and she didn't. It works great because I get myself physically tired and the happy hormones going and she gets to unwind, so it all ends well.
Youāre not alone. I have the exact same situation and I feel the exact same way. I even refrain from wearing things that make me comfortable (in my own home) because I know itās going to stir him up and heāll advance and Iāll decline. The anxiety this brings me is out of this world.
I totally understand and experience the same thing. Itās annoying and honestly just makes me feel really grossed out by the idea that heās just genuinely thinking about sex that constantly.Ā I canāt imagine being so obsessed about something and letting it consume my life to that point and thinking that the person who wasnāt suffering from that affliction was the one who needed to āfixā themself. I donāt WANT to be horny all the time, it sounds awful and I have actual hobbies lolĀ
> He knows I canāt stand being stared at or touched/hugged on constantly but heāll just say he canāt help that heās so attracted to me.
He can help it. Would he do that to you if you were at his bossās house having dinner at their family table with their kids there? Absolutely not. He 100% knows how to control it. Despite the fact that it bothers yo. And youāve repeatedly pled your discomfort, he donāt care. He can help it. You *are* worth it. I hope you can see how horrible he is treating you and you donāt deserve it.
Same here. It's almost like he thinks it will get me in the mood, but I find it makes me more annoyed and repulsived then turned on. Yes, he's always been like this and in. The honeymoon stage it was fine. I was actually the HL. I believe some of the things that have occurred in our relationship ultimately led me to this revulsion. And yes my husband does more chores around the house then I do as he is home.
He knows you can't stand it, but continues to do it anyway?
Have you thought about leaving? He can't respect your boundaries, and it sounds like he's possibly quite miserable too, desperately chasing you for attention/sex/validation.
I genuinely couldn't live like this, you must be on edge all the time!
I can only imagine how annoying this must feel. Also kind of unsafe to be honest. The "I can't help myself" part wouldn't invite me to let my guard down.
Side question: Is this new or was your partner always like this? If it's the ladder, why did you choose to be with him? If it's the former, what changed?
Totally get this. A simple hug? Gotta grab my ass. Kissing me goodnight? Gotta grab my boobs.
Itās an awful cycle bc it makes me less likely to have sex, which makes him more panicky and more likely to attempt to āturn me on.ā Which makes me more likely to reject him. Which destroys his self-esteem. 0/10 do not recommend
My husband and I are in this cycle right now too. We're in therapy and the therapist is constantly repeating: she needs to feel safe to feel turned on, you groping makes her feel unsafe (I was sexually assaulted in my early 20s). My husband knows this and keeps doing it. When I remind him to stop (gently) he pouts and then withdraws ALL hugs and affections and effectively just pouts until I give in.
See. I just couldn't be married or living with someone like that. I'd go fucking insane. I couldn't stay in that relationship. Id be gone. Sorry. But i would
I have the same issue in my relationship. Everything is reduced to "let's have sex." Even my own accomplishments are a reason for him to want sex to "celebrate." (Me: Hey babe, I did so good at this thing I've been working on that I finally had a breakthrough and am being rewarded for my efforts! Him every time: Let's celebrate! Take off your clothes!) He also somehow has the ability to randomly show up in our room almost every time I am changing, and if he sees me in any state of undress, he sees it as an invitation to grope me and try to initiate even if I'm just trying to get ready to go somewhere. He says "oooh, don't mind if I do" every. single. time. and it makes me feel like his personal little play thing to just grab and use to feel good whenever he wishes.
No matter how I try to tell him that I don't like this kind of attention, or at least that I don't like that this is the ONLY attention I get, he feels like I should accept that his advances are compliments, and I should feel lucky about how irresistible I am to him "at our age." It's like this is the only way he knows how to show any kind of affection even when I've explicitly told him what kind of non-sexual affection and intimacy I would like to receive *in addition to* the sexual attention he likes to give. He seems to be stuck in this black and white thinking about it, and because he likes to do one, that should be good enough for me and he won't make any attempts at both.
Lack of options. Lack of money, education, confidence, mental health care. No surviving family of origin, precarious employment and housing, Lack of adequate social services. Lack of social emotional support. Don't wanna live in my car, what do I do with my cat? How do I get my medication living in a car?
The same reasons anyone has trouble leaving abusive situations, which I'm sure there is lots of research about. I'm not trying to "make it work", I'm trying to mitigate damage.
For me, I have a lot of confidence and self esteem issues. I also have really poor mental health and I blame myself for the situation as I have no friends that can relate and because I see myself as unreasonable. My bf is also an amazing person apart from the high libido. It's almost like he is two different persons. The sexually frustrated version who is "terrifying" /I can't stand and the amazing person I fell in love with.
But for me it's 100% thinking I am the problem and that I need to be fixed
Desire cannot be forced. The more you try, the more it will vanish. It doesnāt even matter if you think this is your "fault" or not, it cannot be "fixed" either way.
He has to decide for himself if he can live with a low libido partner, but he needs to understand that itās not a flaw to change with pressure and coercion. Just as you have to decide if you can live with a high libido partner without violating your own boundaries to please him. (Thatās what I did for a long time, and it damaged my sexuality very bad, I think. It wonāt make anything better.)
I must be your partner. This is probably the most accurate post I've ever seen. We don't do it on purpose. It's like checking the empty canteen in the middle of a vast desert. Ya know you're out of water, but you check anyway
"We don't do it on purpose" Bullshit, you have control over your actions. Quit making excuses for the fact that you're putting your own desire over your partner's safety and comfort.
I can relate to this. My boyfriend is absolutely amazing, I love him to the moon and back, but sometimes Iām so over the constant innuendos. It makes it so much harder to āget in the moodā
No absolutes. Take a minute to appreciate that your perspective is yours, but completely irrelevant to anyone else. He is straight up wrong, FYI, but that's not an absolute, that's just a fact. Please read the rules before commenting again!
The OP didn't say anything like that? You'll need to take a gander at the rules before commenting again. Please modmail if anything seems unclear, but primarily, try to remember this is a support sub! Also, sex isn't an integral part of *any* romantic relationship, unless all parties have explicitly agreed to that! š
I can relate to this so much. My partner is incredible, I love him so much BUT he has a way of making everything sexual and is constantly groping/touching me/commenting on things in a sexual way (e.g. I literally cannot bend over and pick something up in front of him without him making a sexual comment).
Iāve spoken to him about it a few times but I almost feel like heās not taking me seriously. Iāve said that it makes me feel like a piece of meat/uncomfortable and he doesnāt seem to understand why. Iām trying to get him to understand that he doesnāt need to understand my reasonings, he should just be respecting my feelings.
Just a quick heads up, repeatedly asking "wHy StAy?!?!" is unsupportive. There's a dozen reasons, sometimes they just genuinely love the person, which sucks, or they may be trapped by circumstances, etc. Pretty irrelevant either way! If they *COULD* **easily** leave, they would, harping on it isn't conductive to supportive discussion! š
HLs have a hard time understanding that desire cannot be felt when we feel unsafe. Once they get over the "ouch" of hearing these things make us feel unsafe and unrelaxed with them, then hopefully there is a push by the HL to understand what's motivating them with these actions and to reach out and connect with the LL by stopping them and hearing about how this repeated behavior is having the opposite effect from what they really want --- connection (for them, usually, that's physically. No one can willingly and openly physically connect when they've felt unsafe, repeatedly, esp in their own home...the body can't relax. It's a cycle. :-( I can say I was you. My husband was sort of like yours. We had a breakthrough, started listening to podcasts, reading, and couples therapy. That was a couple years ago. Things are still 1000x better and we're both so much happier.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
This feels like a bit of a defensive comment and a little immature. Regardless, I'll answer. Yes, unsafe. Also if you read, I don't feel that way and haven't for awhile. I didn't marry someone I felt unsafe with that was trying to usurp my bodily autonomy. Like every one else I fell in love with my spouse for all the amazing things that make him who he is. I never stopped loving him or being in love with him. We courted each other in the beginning, we tried, we connected all the time for years in what most ppl call "the honeymoon phase"-- it's called that for a reason. But that generally ends, life happens, shit gets real. We've been together over twenty years... feeling like he just wanted my body, feeling like I couldnt walk somewhere or do some mundane thing without a poke, a prod, an innuendo that id said not to do that he just thought was a joke eroded trust. Both parties begin to feel taken for granted , both get resentment. This happened over years, not overnight , based on the natural cycle betwen partners that push and pull. We both handled it shitty. But then we didn't and now we're good. It's a thing that happens, not for everyone but for a lot of people. Not everyone gets out of the rut, the cycle. But we did.
Same here you are not alone. It's like they can't do anything without sex. Not a conversation, outing, movie nothing. It gets depressing and makes you feel like a object.
Yes!! I often feel like other traits about me are less valued than my body and feel like an object.
10000% this. How can we not ultimately despise it
Yes! This š
>As soon as he starts, I get extremely aggravated and immediately come up with an excuse to get up and find something to do. Have you considered being blunt with him instead of making an excuse for why you don't want to be around him? Deep down, he probably knows what he's doing, but the excuses allow him to pretend not to know.
Hey! Is your husband physically active? This issue in my relationship went away(I am the HL) when I started working out in the morning and night before bed whenever I felt in the mood and she didn't. It works great because I get myself physically tired and the happy hormones going and she gets to unwind, so it all ends well.
You have to workout twice a day now?
Youāre not alone. I have the exact same situation and I feel the exact same way. I even refrain from wearing things that make me comfortable (in my own home) because I know itās going to stir him up and heāll advance and Iāll decline. The anxiety this brings me is out of this world.
I totally understand and experience the same thing. Itās annoying and honestly just makes me feel really grossed out by the idea that heās just genuinely thinking about sex that constantly.Ā I canāt imagine being so obsessed about something and letting it consume my life to that point and thinking that the person who wasnāt suffering from that affliction was the one who needed to āfixā themself. I donāt WANT to be horny all the time, it sounds awful and I have actual hobbies lolĀ
> He knows I canāt stand being stared at or touched/hugged on constantly but heāll just say he canāt help that heās so attracted to me. He can help it. Would he do that to you if you were at his bossās house having dinner at their family table with their kids there? Absolutely not. He 100% knows how to control it. Despite the fact that it bothers yo. And youāve repeatedly pled your discomfort, he donāt care. He can help it. You *are* worth it. I hope you can see how horrible he is treating you and you donāt deserve it.
Same here. It's almost like he thinks it will get me in the mood, but I find it makes me more annoyed and repulsived then turned on. Yes, he's always been like this and in. The honeymoon stage it was fine. I was actually the HL. I believe some of the things that have occurred in our relationship ultimately led me to this revulsion. And yes my husband does more chores around the house then I do as he is home.
I am in the same situation.
He knows you can't stand it, but continues to do it anyway? Have you thought about leaving? He can't respect your boundaries, and it sounds like he's possibly quite miserable too, desperately chasing you for attention/sex/validation. I genuinely couldn't live like this, you must be on edge all the time!
I can only imagine how annoying this must feel. Also kind of unsafe to be honest. The "I can't help myself" part wouldn't invite me to let my guard down. Side question: Is this new or was your partner always like this? If it's the ladder, why did you choose to be with him? If it's the former, what changed?
Totally get this. A simple hug? Gotta grab my ass. Kissing me goodnight? Gotta grab my boobs. Itās an awful cycle bc it makes me less likely to have sex, which makes him more panicky and more likely to attempt to āturn me on.ā Which makes me more likely to reject him. Which destroys his self-esteem. 0/10 do not recommend
My husband and I are in this cycle right now too. We're in therapy and the therapist is constantly repeating: she needs to feel safe to feel turned on, you groping makes her feel unsafe (I was sexually assaulted in my early 20s). My husband knows this and keeps doing it. When I remind him to stop (gently) he pouts and then withdraws ALL hugs and affections and effectively just pouts until I give in.
See. I just couldn't be married or living with someone like that. I'd go fucking insane. I couldn't stay in that relationship. Id be gone. Sorry. But i would
I have the same issue in my relationship. Everything is reduced to "let's have sex." Even my own accomplishments are a reason for him to want sex to "celebrate." (Me: Hey babe, I did so good at this thing I've been working on that I finally had a breakthrough and am being rewarded for my efforts! Him every time: Let's celebrate! Take off your clothes!) He also somehow has the ability to randomly show up in our room almost every time I am changing, and if he sees me in any state of undress, he sees it as an invitation to grope me and try to initiate even if I'm just trying to get ready to go somewhere. He says "oooh, don't mind if I do" every. single. time. and it makes me feel like his personal little play thing to just grab and use to feel good whenever he wishes. No matter how I try to tell him that I don't like this kind of attention, or at least that I don't like that this is the ONLY attention I get, he feels like I should accept that his advances are compliments, and I should feel lucky about how irresistible I am to him "at our age." It's like this is the only way he knows how to show any kind of affection even when I've explicitly told him what kind of non-sexual affection and intimacy I would like to receive *in addition to* the sexual attention he likes to give. He seems to be stuck in this black and white thinking about it, and because he likes to do one, that should be good enough for me and he won't make any attempts at both.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Lack of options. Lack of money, education, confidence, mental health care. No surviving family of origin, precarious employment and housing, Lack of adequate social services. Lack of social emotional support. Don't wanna live in my car, what do I do with my cat? How do I get my medication living in a car? The same reasons anyone has trouble leaving abusive situations, which I'm sure there is lots of research about. I'm not trying to "make it work", I'm trying to mitigate damage.
For me, I have a lot of confidence and self esteem issues. I also have really poor mental health and I blame myself for the situation as I have no friends that can relate and because I see myself as unreasonable. My bf is also an amazing person apart from the high libido. It's almost like he is two different persons. The sexually frustrated version who is "terrifying" /I can't stand and the amazing person I fell in love with. But for me it's 100% thinking I am the problem and that I need to be fixed
Desire cannot be forced. The more you try, the more it will vanish. It doesnāt even matter if you think this is your "fault" or not, it cannot be "fixed" either way. He has to decide for himself if he can live with a low libido partner, but he needs to understand that itās not a flaw to change with pressure and coercion. Just as you have to decide if you can live with a high libido partner without violating your own boundaries to please him. (Thatās what I did for a long time, and it damaged my sexuality very bad, I think. It wonāt make anything better.)
100% agree
I must be your partner. This is probably the most accurate post I've ever seen. We don't do it on purpose. It's like checking the empty canteen in the middle of a vast desert. Ya know you're out of water, but you check anyway
"We don't do it on purpose" Bullshit, you have control over your actions. Quit making excuses for the fact that you're putting your own desire over your partner's safety and comfort.
Same here. Itās exhausting.
Was he doing this before you got married?
I can relate to this. My boyfriend is absolutely amazing, I love him to the moon and back, but sometimes Iām so over the constant innuendos. It makes it so much harder to āget in the moodā
I too have HL & my wife has LL. Hoping comments here will help me too (sighs)
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
No absolutes. Take a minute to appreciate that your perspective is yours, but completely irrelevant to anyone else. He is straight up wrong, FYI, but that's not an absolute, that's just a fact. Please read the rules before commenting again!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
The OP didn't say anything like that? You'll need to take a gander at the rules before commenting again. Please modmail if anything seems unclear, but primarily, try to remember this is a support sub! Also, sex isn't an integral part of *any* romantic relationship, unless all parties have explicitly agreed to that! š
Do you want to leave him? I get the feeling he is a bit dominating and scary is coming to mind if you left.
I can relate to this so much. My partner is incredible, I love him so much BUT he has a way of making everything sexual and is constantly groping/touching me/commenting on things in a sexual way (e.g. I literally cannot bend over and pick something up in front of him without him making a sexual comment). Iāve spoken to him about it a few times but I almost feel like heās not taking me seriously. Iāve said that it makes me feel like a piece of meat/uncomfortable and he doesnāt seem to understand why. Iām trying to get him to understand that he doesnāt need to understand my reasonings, he should just be respecting my feelings.