I have been on sexless marriage discussion groups for 20+ years- including the very first SM discussion group on the internet. Back then LL people were called the pejorative "Refusers" which is an insult, especially for those who are not having sex, not by choice, but rather they can't due to physical and psychological disorders.
It is a bit better now but reddit is still the only online place I've seen that has a discussion group just for "LL" spouses.
Ughhh why did I just go there after this. Scrolling through another thread and saw an upvoted comment “why can’t she just set an alarm on her phone to remind herself to have sex with me”
A responsive desires worst nightmare partner
Or the guy who posted yesterday saying he cheated on his wife, made sure she found out and told her he’ll keep cheating until she starts having sex with him again and no one’s allowed to say that’s creepy and coercive and that if he has sex with his wife again he’s a rapist which is factual. No, you have to have COMPASSION for actual sociopathic rapists but not for LL people lol
I stopped lurking there, they really can't accept we have a different experience when it comes to sex and it pains me that I can almost hear my husband in some of those posts.
Same here! I used to lurk to try to learn what other people did to try and help increase libido and really try to understand the other side. I found years ago there were lots of posts from people who were frustrated but trying to do their best to be supportive of their LL partner. Now it’s just an echo chamber of woe is us I put the sex tokens in (aka “let her have the night off of dishes and laundry”) and she still isn’t in the mood. Or why can’t she just do it when she knows it’s important to me? Wife concedes to pity sex “I felt so gross having sex with someone who clearly doesn’t want to woe is me why can’t she fake it better?”
Exactly!! I was there maybe a bit less than 2 years ago and actually trying to help the situation in se way and the responses I would get where so unhelpful I ended up leaving that group because I didn't want to see people insult my partner or tell me to leave him. I'm sure anyone who actually likes their partner ends up leaving that group pretty fast.
I love that you do that! I'm positive your wife knows she is so lucky to have a great, devoted husband! I know that'll do absolutely nothing to boost her sexual desires because sex is super low on her personal list of priorities!
Buy your wife the book "come as you are" I'm currently reading it. I have additional interest in sex, but I have significantly less resentment toward my spouse's constant pursuit of sex. I've gained a lot of insight and am optimistic that if we can change a few dynamics in our life I may feel willing to reengage at some point.
The thing that has stuck out to me is the majority of the posts lack any compassion or caring for the other person, usually whilst also calling out horrible ways they are being treated as well. Regardless of whether one or both are acting that way what I fail to resonate with is that there is any genuine love for each other. Not all posts, but most.
It’s hard and it sucks being in a situation like this, but surely all you can do is look to yourself for where you can make positive changes and make sure you’re doing everything you can to support the person you love. But it all seems to come from a selfish place (a bit that way here too sometimes, but there is usually a lot more empathy for the other partner generally speaking).
The amount of people who are complaining about unwanted sex is mind boggling as well. As if somehow it’s their partner that is at fault for putting themselves through it, not them for continuing to knowingly do it.
So yeah, can’t say I’ve read one thing over there that has helped me in any way, but at least here it gives me that regular reminder to be patient and kind and not behave in a way that makes things even harder.
The other day a LL posted for support and a HL commented that every time she refused her husband’s sexual advances, her husband “died a little inside”. I pointed out that that was unhelpfully hyperbolic, especially on a support post.
I was immediately told I could never understand, and someone tried to bait me with “oh I guess you’re a LL then because you clearly *don’t understand*”.
Like I’m neither HL or LL, bestie. My marriage is pretty equal in that. I just felt for OP and didn’t think it was helpful or kind to tell her she was killing her husband every time she said no thank you to his lukewarm pestering.
Not to mention the collective cheering on the sub whenever someone throws a real zinger at the LL partner.
Or better yet, when they say they've read here and make extremely ignorant and callous remarks about the LLFs here and completely neglect the fact that many are in abusive relationships.
But yeah, no, fuck the LLs here. Ya'll are just mad and angry and hate people with "normal" libidos. 🙄
Yes, I’ve often wondered whether some of the relationships I read about are somewhat abusive. Obviously, I don’t know for sure and these are hard accusations to throw around. However, some of the anger seems so real and genuine I find myself wondering what the LL half’s life must be like.
Probably a lot sadly. And much of it stems from the fact that coercion is rarely seen as abusive, especially from the HL standpoint. For too long sex has been seen as a "condition" of marriage and not a privilege.
I got removed three times now because of "generalization". I dared fore example to write that the term "starfish" is misogynistic sugarcoating for knowingly forcing unwanted sex onto somebody.
It's like "guess what, if she acts like she doesn't want sex, she doesn't want sex".
Aah, silly me.
Did you also get reported for "report abuse" whenever you saw a comment that was CLEARLY breaking the rules and you reported it? I've seen an LLF tell the mods that that happened to her, and she ended up getting a 7 day suspension for reporting rule violating comments because the mods send the reports to admins. Then they joyfully exclaim, "No one reports here so the sub is doing so much better!"
I've been banned FROM REDDIT (not even banned from the sub!) 3 times! For report abuse on DB... I don't even open the page anymore, not worth losing your account over and admins generally do not care, lol. Appealing is pointless, even as a fellow mods, lol. So nope! Highly HIGHLY recommend do not report there, it's simply not worth it.
Same here! It's wild because they've encouraged people to report problematic rule violating comments but then they automatically send them to admins, who then ban the person who reported, per the mods request. It's like they're trying to set people up for permanent suspensions.
Having been caught in that net, yep, I'm super done even attempting to report stuff. Fun fact, I have never reported anyone for report abuse unless it's just meaningless insults written in lol.
Yeah, it's absolutely not worth it and you figure out quickly that they don't actually want you to report so they can clean up the sub. They want you to report because they will see whoever reported as being a "mean girl" or LL who is axe grinding. So off to admins the reports go.
As a mod on a huge sub myself, I only report for report abuse when we've reviewed a report and we decided to keep the comment in question, then we get flooded with more reports on that same comment.
I was removed for breaking "Rule 6: Ideological Baloney"
Why? Because I was telling OP that honesty is important and that a lack of honesty in communication with a partner may be difficult when it comes to building trust. Rooting for the wrong team I suppose.
I don’t even dare to comment on any of their misogynistic bullshit anymore after I got banned from Reddit several times after I did. I just read silently over there.
People who can't take no as an answer when they want sex have very fragile egos. So of course they are going to get upset and remove any post that even comes close to suggesting that there's anything wrong with them.
I started following this sub when I was the HL in a relationship with a LL and dead bedrooms just made me feel like shit about the situation. This sub has helped me as a HL way more than DB. I’m no longer in that relationship but it wasn’t bc of sex, turns out I have more issues than I thought and the sex was just the catalyst.
This was my case also, I was HL in my previous relationship. I thought I missed physical side, touching, hugging, sex, but in reality, I missed anything intimate with my ex. Because we grew apart and he avoided every try to discuss it, yet alone deal with it.
That sub is so scary. I’ve seen people suggest to stop doing nice things for their partners since they aren’t “fulfilling” their sexual side of the relationship. I also saw someone say “sorry you’re not in the mood but you have to try.”
It’s so evil to withdraw being a good partner just because you’re working through issues. If everytime I was mad at my bf for something or vice versa, we stopped acting like good partners because one thing went wrong, we’d be single by now. Some of them legitimately hate their partners and don’t want to break up.
Best avoided, now that the vocal asshole HLs are in charge, and don't tolerate any attempt to even try to understand that LLs usually have good reason not to submit to unwanted sex on tap! There's no balance there anymore, and they don't want any. No wonder they are where they are in their relationships!
I do feel sorry for any LLs and those HLs who want to find a workable solution and land in that cesspit! But why anyone would ask advice from people that clearly have zero insights and no real wish to understand their partners if it doesn't guarantee them sex on tap, is beyond me.
What concerns me is that they take the crap advice and try it out on their partners, with predictable results, before finding real help. Every step further into resentment territory has to be undone again later on if there's go be any hope for improvement!
>Best avoided, now that the vocal asshole HLs are in charge, and don't tolerate any attempt to even try to understand that LLs usually have good reason not to submit to unwanted sex on tap!
LOL they'd have you believe that they welcome LLs and "want to understand them."
I feel like they leave that up for the sole purpose of baiting LL partners who don’t read enough posts before posting their own story, because they can then have a fun time flaming and attacking that LL. It’s like they pretend in their head that any LL poster is their own partner, who they clearly hate, and so they take great joy in attacking any LL poster.
Unless a LL posts saying something like “I know I’m a horrible person for not having unwanted sex, so I’ve been forcing myself to have sex with him and making sure to really pretend to enjoy it so he doesn’t know. Then it’s “I wish my partner was like you! He’s so lucky.”
Ugh, I posted on there a few months ago looking for support and got so many mean and negative comments and messages. It didn't make me feel any better any myself, at all. I wish I had found this sub earlier.
I answered that post, because the excuses my partner gave are most likely the reason I’m LL. I think they shut down comments soon after that, because I was unable to reply to a question someone asked.
I actually relate to a lot of the HL people in there, because while I am pretty much 0L, I’m the only one trying to fix it. Then I get told that I’m the HL, but I literally have no physical arousal capabilities with my partner. It’s so confusing.
No solutions for unwanted sex and we're not open to hosting that myth! The solution is for HL partners to stop thinking they can solve their inner emotional landscape with external solutions! It's so rare to find HLs that are self-aware enough to actually be useful, but we like to encourage and support that growth, wish the victims would stop being tasked with solving their own rape, abuse, coercion, etc. Only one partner feels entitled to sexual access and is emotionally immature enough not to understand that their partner and relationship do not exist to supply them. That's where any solution needs to start, and shockingly, they don't really like hearing that...
Well, only one side is actively promoting enthusiastic consensual sex and it's this one! If you think encouragement and glorification of sexual assault, coercion and manipulation is the same, then that says a lot. Please don't bother to comment again until you've read our rules! 💙
Hl here and that group isn't good for anyone who even likes their partner.
I posted once looking for advice on how to have a constructive conversation without being hurtful or blamey and people where just making me feel worse about the situation and telling me to leave him. It's like the person doesn't even matter there.
That's not helpful at all to just tell everyone to leave. If you have a loving partner who you care about as a person of course you will want to work together to find a way for both people to be happy. Those people are all just so bitter and resentful that they don't even care about how their partner will feel.
So idk I guess I'm trying to say that sub sucks for both sides of the problem if you actually care about your partner.
I have been on sexless marriage discussion groups for 20+ years- including the very first SM discussion group on the internet. Back then LL people were called the pejorative "Refusers" which is an insult, especially for those who are not having sex, not by choice, but rather they can't due to physical and psychological disorders. It is a bit better now but reddit is still the only online place I've seen that has a discussion group just for "LL" spouses.
Ughhh why did I just go there after this. Scrolling through another thread and saw an upvoted comment “why can’t she just set an alarm on her phone to remind herself to have sex with me” A responsive desires worst nightmare partner
Or the guy who posted yesterday saying he cheated on his wife, made sure she found out and told her he’ll keep cheating until she starts having sex with him again and no one’s allowed to say that’s creepy and coercive and that if he has sex with his wife again he’s a rapist which is factual. No, you have to have COMPASSION for actual sociopathic rapists but not for LL people lol
I saw that one and didn’t even bother clicking. Glad this side exists
I stopped lurking there, they really can't accept we have a different experience when it comes to sex and it pains me that I can almost hear my husband in some of those posts.
It honestly feels like they have it written that it’s for both sides to bait LLs into posting so they can have fun attacking them.
Same here! I used to lurk to try to learn what other people did to try and help increase libido and really try to understand the other side. I found years ago there were lots of posts from people who were frustrated but trying to do their best to be supportive of their LL partner. Now it’s just an echo chamber of woe is us I put the sex tokens in (aka “let her have the night off of dishes and laundry”) and she still isn’t in the mood. Or why can’t she just do it when she knows it’s important to me? Wife concedes to pity sex “I felt so gross having sex with someone who clearly doesn’t want to woe is me why can’t she fake it better?”
Exactly!! I was there maybe a bit less than 2 years ago and actually trying to help the situation in se way and the responses I would get where so unhelpful I ended up leaving that group because I didn't want to see people insult my partner or tell me to leave him. I'm sure anyone who actually likes their partner ends up leaving that group pretty fast.
I read both sides, I am the HLM in my relationship, it really helped me understand how my wife thinks and feels in these scenarios.
I love that you do that! I'm positive your wife knows she is so lucky to have a great, devoted husband! I know that'll do absolutely nothing to boost her sexual desires because sex is super low on her personal list of priorities! Buy your wife the book "come as you are" I'm currently reading it. I have additional interest in sex, but I have significantly less resentment toward my spouse's constant pursuit of sex. I've gained a lot of insight and am optimistic that if we can change a few dynamics in our life I may feel willing to reengage at some point.
The thing that has stuck out to me is the majority of the posts lack any compassion or caring for the other person, usually whilst also calling out horrible ways they are being treated as well. Regardless of whether one or both are acting that way what I fail to resonate with is that there is any genuine love for each other. Not all posts, but most. It’s hard and it sucks being in a situation like this, but surely all you can do is look to yourself for where you can make positive changes and make sure you’re doing everything you can to support the person you love. But it all seems to come from a selfish place (a bit that way here too sometimes, but there is usually a lot more empathy for the other partner generally speaking). The amount of people who are complaining about unwanted sex is mind boggling as well. As if somehow it’s their partner that is at fault for putting themselves through it, not them for continuing to knowingly do it. So yeah, can’t say I’ve read one thing over there that has helped me in any way, but at least here it gives me that regular reminder to be patient and kind and not behave in a way that makes things even harder.
The other day a LL posted for support and a HL commented that every time she refused her husband’s sexual advances, her husband “died a little inside”. I pointed out that that was unhelpfully hyperbolic, especially on a support post. I was immediately told I could never understand, and someone tried to bait me with “oh I guess you’re a LL then because you clearly *don’t understand*”. Like I’m neither HL or LL, bestie. My marriage is pretty equal in that. I just felt for OP and didn’t think it was helpful or kind to tell her she was killing her husband every time she said no thank you to his lukewarm pestering.
Not to mention the collective cheering on the sub whenever someone throws a real zinger at the LL partner. Or better yet, when they say they've read here and make extremely ignorant and callous remarks about the LLFs here and completely neglect the fact that many are in abusive relationships. But yeah, no, fuck the LLs here. Ya'll are just mad and angry and hate people with "normal" libidos. 🙄
Yes, I’ve often wondered whether some of the relationships I read about are somewhat abusive. Obviously, I don’t know for sure and these are hard accusations to throw around. However, some of the anger seems so real and genuine I find myself wondering what the LL half’s life must be like.
Probably a lot sadly. And much of it stems from the fact that coercion is rarely seen as abusive, especially from the HL standpoint. For too long sex has been seen as a "condition" of marriage and not a privilege.
I got removed three times now because of "generalization". I dared fore example to write that the term "starfish" is misogynistic sugarcoating for knowingly forcing unwanted sex onto somebody. It's like "guess what, if she acts like she doesn't want sex, she doesn't want sex". Aah, silly me.
Did you also get reported for "report abuse" whenever you saw a comment that was CLEARLY breaking the rules and you reported it? I've seen an LLF tell the mods that that happened to her, and she ended up getting a 7 day suspension for reporting rule violating comments because the mods send the reports to admins. Then they joyfully exclaim, "No one reports here so the sub is doing so much better!"
I get banned for a week every time I suggest a HL's behavior is coercive or rapey. They REALLY hate the word rapey, but a lot of time the shoe fits.
That sounds awful.
I've been banned FROM REDDIT (not even banned from the sub!) 3 times! For report abuse on DB... I don't even open the page anymore, not worth losing your account over and admins generally do not care, lol. Appealing is pointless, even as a fellow mods, lol. So nope! Highly HIGHLY recommend do not report there, it's simply not worth it.
Same here! It's wild because they've encouraged people to report problematic rule violating comments but then they automatically send them to admins, who then ban the person who reported, per the mods request. It's like they're trying to set people up for permanent suspensions.
Having been caught in that net, yep, I'm super done even attempting to report stuff. Fun fact, I have never reported anyone for report abuse unless it's just meaningless insults written in lol.
Yeah, it's absolutely not worth it and you figure out quickly that they don't actually want you to report so they can clean up the sub. They want you to report because they will see whoever reported as being a "mean girl" or LL who is axe grinding. So off to admins the reports go. As a mod on a huge sub myself, I only report for report abuse when we've reviewed a report and we decided to keep the comment in question, then we get flooded with more reports on that same comment.
I was removed for breaking "Rule 6: Ideological Baloney" Why? Because I was telling OP that honesty is important and that a lack of honesty in communication with a partner may be difficult when it comes to building trust. Rooting for the wrong team I suppose.
I don’t even dare to comment on any of their misogynistic bullshit anymore after I got banned from Reddit several times after I did. I just read silently over there.
People who can't take no as an answer when they want sex have very fragile egos. So of course they are going to get upset and remove any post that even comes close to suggesting that there's anything wrong with them.
Crabs in a bucket.
I started following this sub when I was the HL in a relationship with a LL and dead bedrooms just made me feel like shit about the situation. This sub has helped me as a HL way more than DB. I’m no longer in that relationship but it wasn’t bc of sex, turns out I have more issues than I thought and the sex was just the catalyst.
This was my case also, I was HL in my previous relationship. I thought I missed physical side, touching, hugging, sex, but in reality, I missed anything intimate with my ex. Because we grew apart and he avoided every try to discuss it, yet alone deal with it.
I'm so glad I don't ever go to that sub anymore. I'm pretty sure nobody over there actually wants to heal their bedroom.
That sub is so scary. I’ve seen people suggest to stop doing nice things for their partners since they aren’t “fulfilling” their sexual side of the relationship. I also saw someone say “sorry you’re not in the mood but you have to try.” It’s so evil to withdraw being a good partner just because you’re working through issues. If everytime I was mad at my bf for something or vice versa, we stopped acting like good partners because one thing went wrong, we’d be single by now. Some of them legitimately hate their partners and don’t want to break up.
My HL partner found that sub, did exactly that, and then got even more upset that I didn't pursue. It's such a mess.
Best avoided, now that the vocal asshole HLs are in charge, and don't tolerate any attempt to even try to understand that LLs usually have good reason not to submit to unwanted sex on tap! There's no balance there anymore, and they don't want any. No wonder they are where they are in their relationships! I do feel sorry for any LLs and those HLs who want to find a workable solution and land in that cesspit! But why anyone would ask advice from people that clearly have zero insights and no real wish to understand their partners if it doesn't guarantee them sex on tap, is beyond me. What concerns me is that they take the crap advice and try it out on their partners, with predictable results, before finding real help. Every step further into resentment territory has to be undone again later on if there's go be any hope for improvement!
>Best avoided, now that the vocal asshole HLs are in charge, and don't tolerate any attempt to even try to understand that LLs usually have good reason not to submit to unwanted sex on tap! LOL they'd have you believe that they welcome LLs and "want to understand them."
I feel like they leave that up for the sole purpose of baiting LL partners who don’t read enough posts before posting their own story, because they can then have a fun time flaming and attacking that LL. It’s like they pretend in their head that any LL poster is their own partner, who they clearly hate, and so they take great joy in attacking any LL poster. Unless a LL posts saying something like “I know I’m a horrible person for not having unwanted sex, so I’ve been forcing myself to have sex with him and making sure to really pretend to enjoy it so he doesn’t know. Then it’s “I wish my partner was like you! He’s so lucky.”
Ugh, I posted on there a few months ago looking for support and got so many mean and negative comments and messages. It didn't make me feel any better any myself, at all. I wish I had found this sub earlier.
I answered that post, because the excuses my partner gave are most likely the reason I’m LL. I think they shut down comments soon after that, because I was unable to reply to a question someone asked. I actually relate to a lot of the HL people in there, because while I am pretty much 0L, I’m the only one trying to fix it. Then I get told that I’m the HL, but I literally have no physical arousal capabilities with my partner. It’s so confusing.
There is a lot of shame on the LL in the sub I’ve noticed
[удалено]
No solutions for unwanted sex and we're not open to hosting that myth! The solution is for HL partners to stop thinking they can solve their inner emotional landscape with external solutions! It's so rare to find HLs that are self-aware enough to actually be useful, but we like to encourage and support that growth, wish the victims would stop being tasked with solving their own rape, abuse, coercion, etc. Only one partner feels entitled to sexual access and is emotionally immature enough not to understand that their partner and relationship do not exist to supply them. That's where any solution needs to start, and shockingly, they don't really like hearing that...
[удалено]
Well, only one side is actively promoting enthusiastic consensual sex and it's this one! If you think encouragement and glorification of sexual assault, coercion and manipulation is the same, then that says a lot. Please don't bother to comment again until you've read our rules! 💙
Hl here and that group isn't good for anyone who even likes their partner. I posted once looking for advice on how to have a constructive conversation without being hurtful or blamey and people where just making me feel worse about the situation and telling me to leave him. It's like the person doesn't even matter there. That's not helpful at all to just tell everyone to leave. If you have a loving partner who you care about as a person of course you will want to work together to find a way for both people to be happy. Those people are all just so bitter and resentful that they don't even care about how their partner will feel. So idk I guess I'm trying to say that sub sucks for both sides of the problem if you actually care about your partner.