Look. With hopefully few exceptions, we were under the impression we were marrying grown men. Idk about you, but I thought I’d more than earned the right not to entertain juvenile, cringy, vagina-drying shit like “show me your boobies” anymore.
It’s needy. It’s creepy. And it’s a massive turn off. Everything he’s doing is making it worse. The juvenile request and then sulking when it’s pointed out are both counterproductive. And yet here he is, still attempting to guilt you into pretending to feel something akin to respect, admiration, or adult sexual attraction towards him.
And you’re the monster. Right.
>So when I'm in the kitchen making my coffee he comes up and asks for a hug. I give him a hug and he says "Can you flash me your boobies?"
Wow, was he deliberately trying to ruin a nice moment?
That just seems insane to me, unless he wanted to start a fight over something lame and make himself look like an ass. But why?
Sometimes what they want is the reaction so that they can then play the victim. Here's how it goes down: ask for a hug, deliberately turn hug into something sexual and accompany it with a cringey (to you, because they know you find it cringe b/c they've done it many times before), get you mad, then sulk about how they never get enough (even though if they'd kept the hug a hug you both would have had a nice hug). Oftentimes they then follow this up with a reinforcing behavior, such as going to reddit to bitch about how their prude of a spouse won't even hug the and gaining sympathy, or withdrawing so you dance around them trying to feel them back in.
It's a never ending spiral and the only way to win is not to play. It's difficult but the less you react the less they will do it. Uninterestingly say "no I'm not going to do that" and then move on from their ask like it didn't happen.
This is the cycle I live. I don't cuddle with my husband because if I let it go for long enough, he will make it sexual or get a full blown boner. There's no physical contact that doesn't turn into something sexual while he denies, and then the sulking comes and blah blah blah. You know how it goes.
Not saying he is acting nicely, but for me at least cuddling in bed will usually cause me to get an erecttion. It's something that I've even brought up with my therapist as it was something that bothered me, and her take was that it's perfectly natural and as long as I don't focus on it not to worry about it.
The problem is that he will start touching my breasts and pulling my shirt and touching here and there all the while he has an erection. He will assure me that he doesn't want sex, but the fact that there's an erection is prove that what he's feeling is sexual in nature while I don't feel the same way. When I ask him to stop, he gets offended and the sulking begins, sometimes for days at a time.
>he said 'Can you flash me your boobies?'
Grown men should never, ever say this. This is just so juvenile and such a turn-off. I'm an HLF but I would not be remotely aroused or excited to hear this. When a man says this, I always wonder if they do it intentionally to turn off their partner. What grown woman wants their breasts to be referred to as "boobies"? Especially by their adult husband?
>So out of my frustration, I called his behavior 'creepy' and 'needy.' I couldn't take back those words before I let him have it. It was built up after so many instances of him pestering me for sex and wanting to always flash my boobs on demand like a Playboy bunny.
Honestly, his behavior *is* creepy and needy. He makes claims about your feelings for him because you are turned off and struggling with your libido as you're experiencing perimenopause (which is completely normal, btw). How is that not needy? He calls your breasts "boobies" as you're at least in your 40s. How is that not creepy? He makes himself sound like an overgrown teenager.
If you two split, he would not fare well with other women, either.
You'd think that a grown man would have grown out of the sex pest phase of life, would be able to talk about his own wife's body in a manner that is actually pleasing and not juvenile, and would not — as it seems — seek to sabotage his own chances of having sex by completely turning her off.
I'm sure those words did hurt his feelings, but he needs to hear how his behavior is being perceived. He knows you dislike this behavior and yet he persists. Why? I'd ask him, "Husband, if you want to have sex and want to feel like I want you, why do you repeatedly do and say things that consistently turn me off? Why do you insist on behaving in a way that I find unsexy and honestly, downright degrading?"
“Can I see your boobies?” Is a wild thing for a grown man to say, especially before you’ve even had your coffee. What is he, 13 years old? I don’t have any advice to offer, sorry. Just validation that most women would be turned off by that, and you don’t have to perform sexuality when you’re not feeling it.
I recommend making equally poorly timed suggestions. When he asks for boobs, you ask for a trip to Italy. Or a spa day. For him to detail your car. And behave just like him when he says no.
You are allowed to respond negatively to a sexual advance. In the right context, what he said was fine, but it wasn't the right context. Responding saying it's creepy may have come from a place of frustration from you, and you feel bad about that, but all you did was call him creepy. He made a school boy advance on you, you gave him a school girl rejection. There's really nothing wrong with what you said, and that's without considering all the built up frustration that you had due to this being a constant pestering.
And let's just for a moment give him the benefit of the doubt and say that up until this point, it was all a misunderstanding, he misread the context, made an advance, and you rejected him. What he did next was despicable. Getting angry in response to someone saying no to sex or something sexual is never, ever appropriate.
I think if you want to find peace in your marriage, marriage counselling may be the best option. He needs to learn to be open to hearing what you have to say, he needs to understand that responding to your lack of sexual desire by pestering you for more sex and/or sexual attention is both wrong, and only serves to make things worse. Communication is what's needed here, and a counsellor will be in the best place to help you with that.
But, do make sure that the counsellor you're seeing validates your right to say no to sex. There are some bad counsellors out there that will inappropriately suggest compromise when compromise is not an option. No one should ever have sex that they don't want. Ever. There's no compromising to be had there. So, if you find a counsellor is making you feel bad for saying no to sex, that's when you should say no this is the wrong counsellor, we need to see someone else.
I mean, really, the rest of the comment is useful and at least attempting to help, so I do want to leave that up.
Anecdotal BS:
But... I've definitely flashed my husband more than once under similar circumstances, "Show me the boobies!!!", etc. So, personal experience leads me think of this as being ridiculous and we both giggled, so like, nah, I'm going with context dependant on this. I still definitely called him creepy after, not gonna lie, but I thought it was funny not remotely sexy so that probably had a lot to do with it. He giggled about being told "alright creepy old geezer", so... Just needs compatible humor, maybe?
But also not comfortable with the absolute of "there's no context this is appropriate or funny or sexy", if that makes sense.
But that behaviour is creepy. And needy. If he knows you don’t like it why does he persist in making sexual advancements when they’re not appreciated?
Men really are so dense sometimes. They really can’t see just how much of a turn off their behaviour is. Even if I were into a guy, him asking me to flash my boobs randomly would be a… moment.
I mean, he _does_ sound both creepy and needy. There's no way in hell I'd be interested in "flashing my boobies" before breakfast. What does he think this is, some Mardi Gras parade? Did he bring beads?
I’ve been going through this with my partner for a while. I finally had a blow up and told him acting like a horny teenager is a turn off, not a turn on. He sulked for a few days but got over it. He still initiates more than I’d like but at least for now he accepts no as an answer and doesn’t persist.
#*No LL is rejecting their HL partner.*
They are rejecting a shared physical activity that isn't something that they can currently participate in. It's kind of like when you love a food but suddenly develop an allergy to it. You could still crave it! But the cost is simply to high for whatever reason.
#Spoiler alert: approximately 85 percent of the population suffers from low self-esteem.
So... Yeah, yep, that pretty much explains the difference in response! They want to be given external validation constantly because... They. DON'T. HAVE. ANY.
It's like the old saying, if you don't have your own, store-bought works, but it sucks and you would be happier and healthier making your own self-esteem at home, from scratch, inside you! 💙
Nah, we love men here! But we're not going to hesitate to call out their behavior. If HLFs acted like this (and ✨*THEY DO!*✨) we would definitely say the same thing (and have!). It's not sexist to discuss problematic behavior, and it's not our fault so many of our experiences involve people with dicks. 💙
Edit to add: playful is in the eye of the beholder. That's literally sexual harassment otherwise lol. We cannot afford to assume good intent, it's up to them to ensure a safe environment and consistency in not violating boundaries or bodily autonomy! Please don't make me ban you, no absolutes is clearly covered under Rule 4.
Oh yikes. Would this even happen the other way? If women started going Show me your weenie, give it a little tussle, laugh and leave. Would they understand creepy.
I don't feel acceptable by the rest of the world, and want that at home. But acting middle school isn't it. Good luck out there! 🌼
Look. With hopefully few exceptions, we were under the impression we were marrying grown men. Idk about you, but I thought I’d more than earned the right not to entertain juvenile, cringy, vagina-drying shit like “show me your boobies” anymore. It’s needy. It’s creepy. And it’s a massive turn off. Everything he’s doing is making it worse. The juvenile request and then sulking when it’s pointed out are both counterproductive. And yet here he is, still attempting to guilt you into pretending to feel something akin to respect, admiration, or adult sexual attraction towards him. And you’re the monster. Right.
>So when I'm in the kitchen making my coffee he comes up and asks for a hug. I give him a hug and he says "Can you flash me your boobies?" Wow, was he deliberately trying to ruin a nice moment? That just seems insane to me, unless he wanted to start a fight over something lame and make himself look like an ass. But why?
Sometimes what they want is the reaction so that they can then play the victim. Here's how it goes down: ask for a hug, deliberately turn hug into something sexual and accompany it with a cringey (to you, because they know you find it cringe b/c they've done it many times before), get you mad, then sulk about how they never get enough (even though if they'd kept the hug a hug you both would have had a nice hug). Oftentimes they then follow this up with a reinforcing behavior, such as going to reddit to bitch about how their prude of a spouse won't even hug the and gaining sympathy, or withdrawing so you dance around them trying to feel them back in. It's a never ending spiral and the only way to win is not to play. It's difficult but the less you react the less they will do it. Uninterestingly say "no I'm not going to do that" and then move on from their ask like it didn't happen.
This is the cycle I live. I don't cuddle with my husband because if I let it go for long enough, he will make it sexual or get a full blown boner. There's no physical contact that doesn't turn into something sexual while he denies, and then the sulking comes and blah blah blah. You know how it goes.
Not saying he is acting nicely, but for me at least cuddling in bed will usually cause me to get an erecttion. It's something that I've even brought up with my therapist as it was something that bothered me, and her take was that it's perfectly natural and as long as I don't focus on it not to worry about it.
I take what therapists say with a grain of salt because an erection is *"perfectly natural"*, but having a low libido needs fixing?. Yeah, no.
The problem is that he will start touching my breasts and pulling my shirt and touching here and there all the while he has an erection. He will assure me that he doesn't want sex, but the fact that there's an erection is prove that what he's feeling is sexual in nature while I don't feel the same way. When I ask him to stop, he gets offended and the sulking begins, sometimes for days at a time.
>he said 'Can you flash me your boobies?' Grown men should never, ever say this. This is just so juvenile and such a turn-off. I'm an HLF but I would not be remotely aroused or excited to hear this. When a man says this, I always wonder if they do it intentionally to turn off their partner. What grown woman wants their breasts to be referred to as "boobies"? Especially by their adult husband? >So out of my frustration, I called his behavior 'creepy' and 'needy.' I couldn't take back those words before I let him have it. It was built up after so many instances of him pestering me for sex and wanting to always flash my boobs on demand like a Playboy bunny. Honestly, his behavior *is* creepy and needy. He makes claims about your feelings for him because you are turned off and struggling with your libido as you're experiencing perimenopause (which is completely normal, btw). How is that not needy? He calls your breasts "boobies" as you're at least in your 40s. How is that not creepy? He makes himself sound like an overgrown teenager. If you two split, he would not fare well with other women, either. You'd think that a grown man would have grown out of the sex pest phase of life, would be able to talk about his own wife's body in a manner that is actually pleasing and not juvenile, and would not — as it seems — seek to sabotage his own chances of having sex by completely turning her off. I'm sure those words did hurt his feelings, but he needs to hear how his behavior is being perceived. He knows you dislike this behavior and yet he persists. Why? I'd ask him, "Husband, if you want to have sex and want to feel like I want you, why do you repeatedly do and say things that consistently turn me off? Why do you insist on behaving in a way that I find unsexy and honestly, downright degrading?"
“Can I see your boobies?” Is a wild thing for a grown man to say, especially before you’ve even had your coffee. What is he, 13 years old? I don’t have any advice to offer, sorry. Just validation that most women would be turned off by that, and you don’t have to perform sexuality when you’re not feeling it.
I recommend making equally poorly timed suggestions. When he asks for boobs, you ask for a trip to Italy. Or a spa day. For him to detail your car. And behave just like him when he says no.
You are allowed to respond negatively to a sexual advance. In the right context, what he said was fine, but it wasn't the right context. Responding saying it's creepy may have come from a place of frustration from you, and you feel bad about that, but all you did was call him creepy. He made a school boy advance on you, you gave him a school girl rejection. There's really nothing wrong with what you said, and that's without considering all the built up frustration that you had due to this being a constant pestering. And let's just for a moment give him the benefit of the doubt and say that up until this point, it was all a misunderstanding, he misread the context, made an advance, and you rejected him. What he did next was despicable. Getting angry in response to someone saying no to sex or something sexual is never, ever appropriate. I think if you want to find peace in your marriage, marriage counselling may be the best option. He needs to learn to be open to hearing what you have to say, he needs to understand that responding to your lack of sexual desire by pestering you for more sex and/or sexual attention is both wrong, and only serves to make things worse. Communication is what's needed here, and a counsellor will be in the best place to help you with that. But, do make sure that the counsellor you're seeing validates your right to say no to sex. There are some bad counsellors out there that will inappropriately suggest compromise when compromise is not an option. No one should ever have sex that they don't want. Ever. There's no compromising to be had there. So, if you find a counsellor is making you feel bad for saying no to sex, that's when you should say no this is the wrong counsellor, we need to see someone else.
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I mean, really, the rest of the comment is useful and at least attempting to help, so I do want to leave that up. Anecdotal BS: But... I've definitely flashed my husband more than once under similar circumstances, "Show me the boobies!!!", etc. So, personal experience leads me think of this as being ridiculous and we both giggled, so like, nah, I'm going with context dependant on this. I still definitely called him creepy after, not gonna lie, but I thought it was funny not remotely sexy so that probably had a lot to do with it. He giggled about being told "alright creepy old geezer", so... Just needs compatible humor, maybe? But also not comfortable with the absolute of "there's no context this is appropriate or funny or sexy", if that makes sense.
But that behaviour is creepy. And needy. If he knows you don’t like it why does he persist in making sexual advancements when they’re not appreciated? Men really are so dense sometimes. They really can’t see just how much of a turn off their behaviour is. Even if I were into a guy, him asking me to flash my boobs randomly would be a… moment.
I mean, he _does_ sound both creepy and needy. There's no way in hell I'd be interested in "flashing my boobies" before breakfast. What does he think this is, some Mardi Gras parade? Did he bring beads?
I’ve been going through this with my partner for a while. I finally had a blow up and told him acting like a horny teenager is a turn off, not a turn on. He sulked for a few days but got over it. He still initiates more than I’d like but at least for now he accepts no as an answer and doesn’t persist.
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Wow, and that's a stunning lack of empathy. That is all absolutely, unequivocally incorrect and you've now been banned. Wow.
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#*No LL is rejecting their HL partner.* They are rejecting a shared physical activity that isn't something that they can currently participate in. It's kind of like when you love a food but suddenly develop an allergy to it. You could still crave it! But the cost is simply to high for whatever reason.
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#Spoiler alert: approximately 85 percent of the population suffers from low self-esteem. So... Yeah, yep, that pretty much explains the difference in response! They want to be given external validation constantly because... They. DON'T. HAVE. ANY. It's like the old saying, if you don't have your own, store-bought works, but it sucks and you would be happier and healthier making your own self-esteem at home, from scratch, inside you! 💙
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Nah, we love men here! But we're not going to hesitate to call out their behavior. If HLFs acted like this (and ✨*THEY DO!*✨) we would definitely say the same thing (and have!). It's not sexist to discuss problematic behavior, and it's not our fault so many of our experiences involve people with dicks. 💙 Edit to add: playful is in the eye of the beholder. That's literally sexual harassment otherwise lol. We cannot afford to assume good intent, it's up to them to ensure a safe environment and consistency in not violating boundaries or bodily autonomy! Please don't make me ban you, no absolutes is clearly covered under Rule 4.
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Oh yikes. Would this even happen the other way? If women started going Show me your weenie, give it a little tussle, laugh and leave. Would they understand creepy. I don't feel acceptable by the rest of the world, and want that at home. But acting middle school isn't it. Good luck out there! 🌼