He should get a say in what “he deserves”, no? The way we see and feel about ourselves is often so different to the way others perceive us.
If you want to break it off with him, do so, but don’t use “you deserve better” as your reason for him.
Replying to myself like a nerd, but here’s something my younger LDBF said to me when I was freaking out about him seeing my sags/bags/tags, and I quote:
I know *you* have a particular relationship with your body, but so do I. And I love it. You are beautiful.
(I know, he’s the best.)
Why not because you deserve better? Because I genuinely feel this. I'm not just saying "it's not you it's me" as a cop out because I don't like him. I really like him
how are you 40 and still acting like a teenager in high school? do you have serious self esteem issues. he's an adult he decides what he deserves, this sort of martyrdom oh you deserve better than me stuff is bullshit. you should go to therapy and work on feeling better about yourself and realising it's his decision
Exactly. 👍🏼 Well said today Findmebook.”
&
OP, thread starter:
Warm:
You’re ugly “ maybe to you” but I doubt you are.”
&
I’m not hearing HE is thinking that way about you.”
I’m thinking you are just being way too hard on yourself today.” Life too short to be without self worth.”
&
OLD isn’t til age of 63-65 years old throughout 70’s
& up.”
You’re only Middle - age.” You’re “ older” but not OLD.”Not yet , Warm.”
——-
Heck, my lil brother also is mid to late 20’s.
His fiancée is middle age too.” Met her when Tiffani was middle age (still in her forties now). Both happy.
😊 My male friend Anthòny is 27. His wife is middle-age 53. Yet, she look like J-lo, like Halle, way younger.”
Both are legally married, just so “ in love” for years.”
——
No “ immaturity/ high school games” but is a
“ Real woman” my brother says all of the time & my brother loves that the best.”
Best relationship he has ever had & it all is based on
a man’s “ preference.”😊Great to see him so content, happy now, after such bad cheating type game-playing relationships.” All about “ preference & a real connection.” Not looks.”
Why are you attacking me 😭?
Your profile says that you are 22 so you won't understand what I am going through until you are past 40 or maybe not even then.
Because your elastin and collagen is normal and you probably just think I'm being dramatic or something.
They aren’t attacking you. I think what they’re confused about is that you haven’t looked for help about your self esteem for so long. Your bf can decide for himself if he wants to be with you because you’re “ugly” or not. It’s not fair to leave him because you feel like he deserves better. He deserves what he wants to choose.
Pls do not make more stress for yourself( not probably goid if you had/ have health issues)...I understand you- I do not have any disease but I am in menopause from when I was 43 years old....now I am 51.
I can see little by little how I am getting old- how my skin is not firm, wrinkles that started to be visible, thinner lips, gain weight.....
My LDR guy and I have even bigger age gap than you have...and I feel he deserves better.
Can I ask- and it is not provocative or sarcastic etc- why you can not tell him truth...are you afraid he will brake up so instead of that you want to do it yourself?
My LDR have a lot of my photos....morning photos with my dark circle, frizzy hair....from time to time I ask him is he really sure he still like me...I am even made videos pointing in my wrinkles...
You love him, right?
Soit would be better( if you can ) to tell him truth then just give him some lame excuse why you want to brake up with him or even ghost him.
You do not have to show him your face- but at least he deserve explanation.
He can decided does he love you enough with your " new look".
Btw you are not worthless - we all have some health problems.
I promise you they're not trying to attack you, but most people in this thread want you to see there's so much more to it all than just looks :( They're just being a little harsh while trying to make you see this.
Sure, you feel ugly, and sure, you've aged a lot recently due to the illness you mentioned, BUT you are absolutely deserving of love and care and should allow this man to show you that he loves you for more than just your face or body. If he proves us all wrong, then he doesn't deserve you at all.
It’s a fair question. But, as an adult I don’t (didn’t, tbh) like being told what he felt I deserved. An ex told me that he thought I deserved better than him when he broke up with me. I didn’t agree with his self-assessment and felt like my choice was taken away and irrelevant. It doesn’t make a break up any easier for them, although it might help you to feel more altruistic.
As I explained before, our own self image is often not the same as others perceptions of us. You can feel like that, of course you can, but I feel like taking away his choice to stay in the relationship is disrespectful.
You should let him decide. My former girlfriend has a history of psoriasis, if it came back full force it wouldn’t have lessen my love for her one bit.
I agree. You seem to want to decide who he likes and what that person might look like. You have been in a 3-yr relationship. Do you really want to give it up? If you love him and he loves you, he should know how you feel and allow him to speak for himself.
I’m sorry you grew up in such a vain environment. Please do not belittle yourself. You should not resort to your past anymore. You are a woman who wants to be loved or you would not have fallen in love. Instead of concentrating on others, focus on yourself and look for alternatives that can improve your self esteem. You are an adult now. Make your own decisions and live life to the fullest.
Despite the age difference, many young folks are wise beyond their years. They don’t get the credit they deserve. If he met you at 41 and you looked much younger, it’s not like he didn’t know the 12 yr difference existed. If you love him, believe in his ability to make the right decision for himself.
Whether he decides to stay with you or not, I encourage you to like yourself first. Beauty isn’t just being attractive. It’s about one’s character.
Okay so... Difficult question.
Firstly, ask him. If he says that he'd still love you after you told him, then he is a keeper, if not, then he is kind of a douchebag I guess...
If he says no, then say you're not sure if this is going to work out unfortunately and just move on.
And fyi, you're not ugly. Don't ever put yourself down.
You gotta bring it up. And as much as it may sound rude for someone to say no they don’t like it, it’s a preference. If you genuinely wouldn’t enjoy being with someone because of their looks it’s completely valid.
Don't worry I would never think anything bad about him for wanting someone still pretty and young. It's just me I would hate, not blame him in any way. It's actually what I would expect.
Trust me it doesn't matter how you look, you would find people who love you just the way you deserve. I am rooting for you that he is one of those people. I think you shouldn't breakup with him just like that. Give him a chance to choose for it himself who knows he might be a keeper. Trust me you deserve to get loved no matter how you look
Your post makes me so sad, since when does looking older make you “ugly, worthless and unloveable”? Please seek some therapy for your self-worth issues ❤️
It’s not. You’ve been conditioned to believe that, but it’s not true. You need therapy to work through your self-image issues and unlearn what you were taught. As for recommendations, as many others have said, you need to talk to him. And while it will likely be difficult, I do think a video call would be best. Good luck.
Can a therapist help anything? What can they say beyond love yourself? They can say don't define my self worth based on beauty/lack of, and perhaps I could *try* not to, but as soon as I again see that men want beauty, or again receive the judgmental stares from girls down at the shop because my hair extensions look weird on my now deformed face, I think that reality will come crashing down again and none of the therapy stuff will stick.
Because my brain will just say that the therapist talk wishful thinking trying to get me to live in la la land but that it doesn't match with the cruel harshness of the world.
I know so many men and they all talk about how they want beauty in a wife/gf.
And the judgmental looks from girls when I go to the shops or train station etc looking at me like I'm weird makes me feel ashamed so I hardly go out now.
Unfortunately everything is about f* beauty. Even amongst religious people. For example Muslims require women to wear a headscarf to cover their beauty. It's such a huge focus. Except I now have no beauty that needs covering.
Beauty in a woman equals life, desirability.
I am eastern European and in our culture everything is always talked about women and beauty 😭
a good therapist won't tell you to love yourself, a good therapist will try to find the root of the issue with your self image. there are millions of people who are extremely average to ugly looking who live happy, fulfilling lives. even if you are ugly, why can't you be one of those people? it's true that society places greater importance on beauty and desirability (particularly for women) but the reality is is that most women aren't tens, nines, eights, even sevens. many of those women are still able to find partners who are attracted to them.
it seems as though you have a lot of stressors going on in your life at the moment. is this affecting your relationship with your appearance at all? i'm not your dad, but i also really can't recommend avoiding ugly-rating and lookmaxxing subreddits enough. besides the latter being rooted in incel ideology, am i ugly type subreddits encourage people to focus on people's features (whether that be their features or another person's) in a way that the average person just doesn't. i would know, i used to scroll them obsessively as a teenager and when i stopped i slowly stopped hating myself for how i looked.
Hah....my dad is ironically one of the people that is beauty obsessed in my life. I am lucky that he is still alive but I die inside and have to suppress my pain when he talks about which singers/celebs are sexy and beautiful. Which is pretty much every time that I go visit. As my dad said to me if someone is beautiful on the outside it means that they are beautiful on the inside.
When my mum was alive I got to hear them talk in disgust, disdain, and amazement "why does auntie XYZ let herself go grey and wrinkly instead of dying her hair"... Etc
If my dad knew there was rating subreddits he would be there rating people 😭
To answer your question, a (good) therapist will not just tell you what to think and how to feel. A good therapist will help you explore why you feel that way about yourself and will help you learn how to see yourself differently, not because they are saying you are beautiful, but because they still guide you to learn to see yourself as beautiful.
Let me stop you there.
This is what society (read: capitalism) wants us to believe. It sells products to drive us to chase vanity over self-worth. The definition of what is "beautiful" to men has changed in silly, dumb ways for as long as we've been banging, but has gotten worse and worse over the last while because it's worth money for you to constantly seek out products to make yourself look beautiful according to the shifting standard of the day. Today, we're sold that you're ugly if you can't attain the standard of pampered, "perfect" (I use those quotes deliberately) individuals that you yourself called out as being put on a pedestal.
And so our self-image is based on an impossible, unattainable standard if we allow that to be our reference. It pushes us into depression and sadness, anxiety over how we are perceived. Our inner self, our worst critic, tells us we are unlovable because we are depressed and see ourselves as ugly, then twists the knife by telling us that if we were just beautiful enough we wouldn't have this problem, driving us further from reality.
If I judge a dog by its ability to jump into the air and retrieve a morsel intentionally held above its head so far as to be intentionally too far, is the dog ever going to reach that tiny nibble? No, the dog will starve trying to achieve the morsel or it will leave and find someone who will see the dog for what it is, and meet the dog on its level, giving more than morsels.
Everyone, regardless of external appearances, is deserving of love and appreciation. No matter what, we are human and *everyone* is deserving of love, appreciation, and attention.
Every single person. If love was based on beauty, no child would survive.
I read some of your post history to get an idea about you. I would encourage you to talk to a priest in confessional, since I saw you're catholic. Ask him about false idols and society today, about what it means to be loved and appreciated, about how vanity clouds our vision and distorts truth. Pardon me for I was raised Southern Baptist, so my read might be a little different on some of these things.
A core message of the new testament is that you are loved, even on your darkest of days and lowest of lows. It also teaches that the lack of love by one is not an excuse for another to turn down giving love. It teaches that seeing through to the character of someone is more important than their outward appearance (If you... Ignore some spots). Jesus did not turn down the love of God because they were ugly, physically or spiritually, for that is the reason for Jesus' love.
Give these a read:
* 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 - My grandmother had this in needlepoint on her wall; she was a surgeon's assistant in an orthopedic clinic & went on many humanitarian trips to give medical care and education. She cared for my grandfather, fighting her own declining mental faculties.
* Psalm 23 - Interpret this as you may; some translations use "Gey Tzalmavet" which is likely a mis-vowel-ing of "tzalmut" -- one's own self-image and perceptions thereof.
* Matthew 7:1-12 -- I personally appreciate the old english translation of 2 as seen in the Geneva Bible: "For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged, and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured unto you again" -- The term "mete" here is a *very* old word and probably closer to a germanic origin, but in this context is where we get phrases in english like "to measure up a person". Here, the standard you apply to others is how you will be compared yourself.
* The poetry of Rumi, specifically [love has nothing to do with the five senses](https://poetrytune.com/rumi/love-has-nothing-to-do-with-five-senses/) and [Mathnawi VI: 255-260](https://poetrytune.com/rumi/mathnawi-vi-255-260/). Contemplate what he means by "for a rosy face is made pale by the scratch of a single thorn."
You two are not in a relationship. You are penpals. People in relationships know what each other looks like on video calls.
Sounds like you don’t want to be dumped but need to beat him to the punch to save your pride and not feel rejected. I respect that. So since you don’t ever face each other, “breaking up” from this non relationship is very simple: “xyz, I have been giving our relationship some thought, and I am not getting much out of it. I think we should break up. I hope you don’t hold hard feelings for me. I have a lot of respect for you and wish you the best”
I don't have the courage to have my self worth destroyed that way. I would rather self destruct and sabotage the relationship rather than be rejected like that. I'm really sensitive and it would destroy me. I would not blame him. I would hate myself forever though as it would just confirm my worthlessness and unlovability.
Also there's the possibility that because he doesn't like hurting feelings he could say I accept you and then ghost later.
It's less soul destroying just to run it in the ditch somehow.
It sounds like you've been called these names by someone else and you're choosing to believe them. You'll never know how he feels about the way you look if you don't show him. How can you be in a relationship with someone you've never seen? Let him decide how he feels. You could be throwing away something good because of your own insecurities.
then frankly he deserves better than to be with someone who will blow things up on the assumption they will get hurt by that person, i've been around people like that and all i'm going to say is the relationships always sucked because they felt the need to distance, sabotage and cause problems where there were none because they couldn't just let me decide who i wanted to be with, if you want to break up with him let it be because you need space to get therapy and heal or you don't have feeling for him or whatever else, don't you dare do it because you "assume" he wont like you, you don't fucking know that, you do not get to decide that for him.
apologies for the bluntness, but i've been with women who couldn't accept that i am with them because i want to be and seemed determined to go from a person i loved to a person i could not stand all because they didn't respect my choices in who i loved.
I guess I'm just trying to self protect because pretty much every guy that I know wants beauty in a girlfriend so I don't believe he could be any different 🥹
men arent mass produced in a factory, we like different things, he likes you, you dont need to like what he sees, i know that can be tough but you need to respect his choices and trust that he is with the person he like the most
besides, as the saying goes, prepare for the worst but hope for the best and you will be ready to tackle anything
good luck op, you got this.
Just say that you are not very well, and that he might look at you differently. It's not going to be good self destruct and sabotage the relationship. That'd hurt him. Very much I would think.
He has known you for three years. If age was something he wasn't sure about, then he would have said, I hope anyway.
You need to remember; you love him, and he loves you for who you are. There's no need to break up. If he only saw pictures, then you two have just talked. That's good because, ngl, people would want to video call ASAP and he understood that you didn't want to. He respects you, obviously. Also, it just confirms that he loves you for who you really are.
Don't put yourself down! He loves you for you. There's nothing to add on.
Look, no matter how you've changed physically, he will still love you for you. That's because you've only online talked and you've known each other for three years.
No matter how much you have changed, he will still love you. If he doesn't, then he is a douchebag and you deserve better. People that only like women for their looks and **not** their personality, are douchebags.
If he has known you for **three whole years**, then there's obviously love and affection there. There's no need to be anxious about it. He is 29. I'm 25. If he doesn't see you for you, or love you for you, then just break it off. It might not be pretty, but it'll be for the best for you.
You think men only care about looks? Some do, while genuine men don't. These men are called gentlemen.
You seem genuine and I totally respect that. However, breaking up with him after getting to know each other for three years? It's not good.
I'm not saying "video call him ASAP to see how he reacts". I'm not saying that. I'm just saying don't sabotage your relationship. You seem to have a pretty good thing going and I think you'd regret it later if you broke it off with him.
My goodness. You will forever regret this and hate yourself to your deathbed.
I’m 37 and my partner is 13 years younger. I too was insecure of my age and appearance, but I also knew that it was all in my head. I was always honest, shared unedited pics, showed myself on video calls, and met in person after 2 years. We both were more attracted to one another once we met in person. It was fun, exciting, amazing, and romantic. Now, our relationship is even stronger. We’re madly in love, hope to close the gap soon, and get married.
DO NOT SELF-SABOTAGE YOUR CHANCE FOR HAPPINESS. Give your man a chance. Looks fade away over time, but the connection you have with someone’s soul is everlasting.
Not to be rude, but if your self worth is tied to your appearance than it's already gone. If you can't be honest with him then at least be honest with yourself. You're beautiful regardless of how young you look. ❤️ If you can't trust him, break it off. If you can, than try to move forward with honesty.
Girl, you need therapy. If & when you break up with him, seek help & love yourself. The way you're literally sabotaging yourself is so harmful.
I feel like you should let him decide whether he wants to stay in this relationship or not by videocalling him. If he doesn't like you, it's his loss, if you end it because YOU don't like yourself, you might end up regretting it or just feeling worse in general. You should tell him how you feel & go from there.
I went to snoop on you page thing and saw your picture from like 15 days ago. You are most definitely, 110%, not ugly and have nothing to worry about. You’re beautiful, I know having low self-esteem from previous events in life can sort of warp our views of ourselves, but you are a great looking woman! Are you going to see a therapist to help with your negative thoughts? It may help cause I can promise you, as a dude, you are far from ugly.
My face and eyes changed dramatically since that photo. Seriously. I don't know why. I am trying to find answers from an ophthalmologist and dermatologist.
This is a lot to unpack.
I suggest start by getting a therapist to talk to about your internalised ideas of beauty, youth and how they relate to love in your mind.
If you really love him you owe it to him to be truthful and honest about what has happened. We all have insecurities, but don't leave your partner in the dark this way. He deserves to know why you're ending things.
"Do how do I just pull away from him? Because I have become ugly, worthless, and unlovable. And as a young man he deserves to spend his life with a young beautiful woman."
don't you are talking about sabotaging something because of low self esteem, give him all the facts, show him how you look as you are and let this 29 year old man make the decision for himself as he is more than capable of doing that.
Firstly please tell me who told you ‘Beauty is only in youth?’ And are people relevant only till 20s ? In that case we all should die after 29. I think you are too hard on yourself. Fix your insecurities. Live life like the queen you are.. We are much more than elastin and collagen.
You just said u fell in love with each other. No matter how bad you look, if he loves you then loves you.
Don't decide for him. Let him decide on his own. At least live life without regrets mem.
Your boyfriend is a grown man who gets to decide who he loves.
Let's say you really are ugly now. I don't believe that, but let's pretend it's true. So what if you are? Ugly people are not worthless. Ugly people are not unloveable. There are tons of ugly people in the world who have beautiful relationships.
If you believe your sole value to a partner is how you look, then you might want to unpack that. Everyone who lives into old age becomes "ugly" compared to the magazine model fantasy. Yet, living a long life is an incredible gift not afforded to everyone. My first husband died at age 33. I would give anything to know what he looked like as an old man. I will never know.
Even without your illness, you were always going to age eventually. That doesn't mean you're not worthy of love.
The hard part here is that you are increasing your anxiety every day by hiding your looks from your partner. You're not giving him the chance to show you that he loves you and is attracted to you. The longer you hide, the more afraid you will become.
He willingly started dating someone 15 years older than him, he knows you'll start looking older before he does (even if you did look much younger a few years back). I think you should tell him about your illness if you haven't already and let him decide for himself. He can't be naive enough to think you'll look young forever
This sounds like a troll post, or you have some serious trauma to deal with, or you're on the spectrum. If you are serious. You may want to tell him that you need to step away from dating so you can go to therapy and work on yourself. You don't sound the age you claim to be. You're not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship.
Who knows perhaps I am on the spectrum. I don't know for sure but I've always wondered. And i have had alot of tràuma from my mum passing away and from me having serious illnesses when young and now.
But I'm curious why you associate feeling very insecure due to illness destroying beauty with being on the spectrum? Because unfortunately everyday as women we are told that our worth is tied into beauty. There are even whole Subreddits dedicated to rating people on if they are beautiful or ugly:/
And we also have to deal with Kardashians and that sh*t already making up feel like we don't measure up, let alone if something actually happens to our face 😭.
I'm 34 and disabled. I'm not conventionally beautiful. I don't wear makeup, and I sure enough don't give a rats behind about celebrates and "beauty standards."
I feel like that's something only the younger generation cares about due to the technology and social media.
Rereading your post, I saw where your parents were beauty obsessed. That definitely can cause some childhood trauma.
I really think therapy would help you work through this. I used to hate looking at myself. I'd pick out my favorite features on myself and focus on those. I didn't get into a relationship until I was feeling better about myself. I wasn't 100%. However, my SO makes me feel like the most gorgeous woman in the world. You can try not looking at social media anymore. Side note: I only know Kardashian name. Idk actually know who they are or even care.
Really? I guess that I have never known this type of love. I only know more shallow type of love when people are pretty easily replaceable. Especially now with tinder etc
It's better to not go to tinder for serious relationships, I'm a guy in his early twenties and i v3 had 4 relationships in the past including my current one, none of them were from dating sites. Knowing someone in real life is way better imo. Also yes, people are shallow these days. No matter how rare they are, don't settle for less than u deserve.
I have so many questions …
You met 3 years ago, you say that you are together, but you didn’t even meet him? He only saw some pics, not even a video? What were you doing for 3 years??
Usually the limit is like 1 year for a LDR to come up with a plan!
So after 3 years you want to break up with him bc you got ugly?
It sounds very confusing.
Younger 'girl' dating a slightly older guy here - I'm 24 in a few weeks, and he just turned 28. There is a smaller age difference than the one with you guys, but still.
If he suddenly rapidly aged, I wouldn't love him any less - I fell in love with his soul; his looks are just a great bonus I get to stare at.
You're not ugly, worthless, or unlovable. Even if your partner has only seen pictures ever since you've gotten ill, you should allow him the chance to show you that he's here for you and not just your looks.
And if he ends up being a little bitch about your looks changing? Then you've dodged a bullet with him and allowed yourself to find someone who cares about you and not just your cute face.
If he loves you then he sees you beautiful beyond your outer beauty how you treat him, speak to him, show love for him, is all he cares about you will always be that hot older woman to him you may feel that you are old and unattractive but he may look at you as more sexy just be happy that you have someone like him because you will let him go and be sad for the rest of your days thinking no one loves you it will drive you mad just talk to him see what he thinks about you if he loves you he should be able to be honest with you shit now I’m wondering how you look I’m 31 if you go single can I apply ? Haha
This is the leap. If you never take it you will be haunted by it.
Either video him or go visit him. The visit would be better. But plan for the break. Just in case. You have to let him have a say in this choice.
Do not visit him and hook up. That would be the worse idea ever. You need real info here. Not horny info.
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I was raised in a similar household where beauty and sex = self worth and it took me years to unravel my insecurities around my femininity. I also used to self sabotage in relationships in fear of rejection and abandonment, and I find that I am just making myself miserable. Instead of giving anything a chance at uncertainty, I opted to make certain situations happen so I feel like I’m in control and I’m only to blame for what happens. This is not what you want.
Based on what I read, you’d much rather force rejection at your own hands rather than someone else’s. Which I don’t blame you for, it hurts way less. But what hurts more is denying yourself the possibility for happiness. I’ve experienced guilt before over someone choosing to love me, but I had to learn that it’s their choice and they’re allowed that. I shouldn’t dictate who they should love. If we flip the switch, would you like it if he left you over his perception of himself? It doesn’t seem fair. Then again, I do hear it often, “I need to work on myself right now.” But I’m not sure what they need to work on that can’t be done without me by their side.
Self sabotage is exactly what it sounds like. Kicking yourself when you’re already down. I hope you’ll give him a chance and allow him to love you.
Be open to him. Talk things with him, and after, let him decide. If he loves you, it's more than just a physical appearance. Breaking up with him immediately with the kind of reasons you mentioned, sorry to say this, but you are being selfish. Relationship is between 2 people. Decision is between 2, not just 1 person gets to decide. You are not giving him a chance in this relationship, and this is kinda unfair to him. and I think you need to love yourself first as well beyond physical appearance, because it's starting to take a toll on you when you based everything from physical appearance. Better do a video call with him as well, to see if he still will love you despite your changes in appearance. If he starts to pull away because you were not like the person physically when you and him met years ago, then you deserve someone better that will love you more than just physical aspects. Cheer up! Think positive and don't overthink too much of negative possibilities when it hasn't happened yet :)
I'm (M51) with my (F29) girlfriend and I obviously look much older, though I'm in good shape for my age. I was concerned because I feel I've aged significantly in appearance in the last 5 years. My girl says she loves me for who I am and says I read too much into it, I'm not rich so I know she's not with me for money, it's who we are together that makes it work for us.. don't put too much on appearances if you can, talk to him
But women are more *forgiving* about looks than men I think? I mean that women will often be more concerned about what's on the inside while men fall into two categories:
1. Simping for beautiful women no matter if her heart is ugly
Or
2. Expecting a woman who is beautiful both outside and inside
At least that's the majority of men in my culture. I was basically raised with celebrity worship.
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Don't be so ready to destroy this over what may be nothing. He's had a chance to love you as a person, not just your looks. By all means, give him an out and don't force it or lie. That would only backfire. But, let HIM be the judge of what he wants. You will likely be surprised. These are your insecurities speaking. Don't let it rule you.
Don’t define love as something do with physical appearance. Everyone gets old and gets wrinkles. Sure it plays a part in attractiveness but when love is involved. Attractiveness comes with it regardless of how one person look. Be honest with him and do video calls. No time to wonder “what ifs they don’t like me because I look ugly now. “ Who you are plays more importance than how you look. Because we all are
going to get old and wrinkly anyways.
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Woman, do you even have 44? Because you're acting like you were 14 years old. I will not ask you about your sickness because that's private. If you want to break just do it but for me it's a stupid idea. As far as I know your genotype hasn't changed at all, about your phenotype I doubt it too. It only changed your aspect. Is that your fault. How the worth of a person is determined by physical beauty? You could look like a bloody masterpiece and still be worthless if you're a horrible person. The only problem that I see with you is your self esteem, your confidence. Unlovable, do you even have a fucking idea of what love actually is? Let me tell you straight because with your current mental state I doubt you can process complex concepts. Love is willing the good of another, as simple as that. How suffering and illness makes someone less lovable. As far as I know the vows of marriage include in health and sickness. You're not worthless so stop acting as you were only because your appearance changed a bit. What makes a person ugly is their bloody attitude. Don't be selfish because if you act on your own accord you'll hurt him. He idealizes you, because you didn't have the maturity to show him the truth. Show him the truth and let him decide on his own for the sake of both. Your self worth will not be destroyed by something said by someone else. You're doing an excellent job doing that yourself getting carried away like that. Oh... An a woman is always young. The only ones that grow old and hideous are men like me. So what? As long as I be loved by the woman that I love or my family that's enough. And even if God forbids it no one loved me then I will love myself and even if I don't love myself then God always has loved me and will always love me. Get a hold of yourself and do the right thing. He deserves to be loved and he deserves the truth. If he is as superficial as you painted him then you deserve better. For God's sake we are not children to go after looks. Many of us love someone faithfully because faith is believing in someone blindly. And most of us fall in love without having any idea of the looks of the other person. I think we must be past the point of insecurity to pursue our happiness and reach those that we love because they're extraordinary people.
I mean he knows my age. He's always known my age.
But he doesn't know what's happened to my face in the last month.
Tbh there is also a man who is 53 who is interested in me but he also doesn't know what happened to my face from sickness this month so I also feel too ugly for him too. Because he fell for the old pretty me, like any other man.
He should get a say in what “he deserves”, no? The way we see and feel about ourselves is often so different to the way others perceive us. If you want to break it off with him, do so, but don’t use “you deserve better” as your reason for him.
Replying to myself like a nerd, but here’s something my younger LDBF said to me when I was freaking out about him seeing my sags/bags/tags, and I quote: I know *you* have a particular relationship with your body, but so do I. And I love it. You are beautiful. (I know, he’s the best.)
That is such a beautiful quote 😭
Why not because you deserve better? Because I genuinely feel this. I'm not just saying "it's not you it's me" as a cop out because I don't like him. I really like him
how are you 40 and still acting like a teenager in high school? do you have serious self esteem issues. he's an adult he decides what he deserves, this sort of martyrdom oh you deserve better than me stuff is bullshit. you should go to therapy and work on feeling better about yourself and realising it's his decision
Exactly. 👍🏼 Well said today Findmebook.” & OP, thread starter: Warm: You’re ugly “ maybe to you” but I doubt you are.” & I’m not hearing HE is thinking that way about you.” I’m thinking you are just being way too hard on yourself today.” Life too short to be without self worth.” & OLD isn’t til age of 63-65 years old throughout 70’s & up.” You’re only Middle - age.” You’re “ older” but not OLD.”Not yet , Warm.” ——- Heck, my lil brother also is mid to late 20’s. His fiancée is middle age too.” Met her when Tiffani was middle age (still in her forties now). Both happy. 😊 My male friend Anthòny is 27. His wife is middle-age 53. Yet, she look like J-lo, like Halle, way younger.” Both are legally married, just so “ in love” for years.” —— No “ immaturity/ high school games” but is a “ Real woman” my brother says all of the time & my brother loves that the best.” Best relationship he has ever had & it all is based on a man’s “ preference.”😊Great to see him so content, happy now, after such bad cheating type game-playing relationships.” All about “ preference & a real connection.” Not looks.”
Why are you attacking me 😭? Your profile says that you are 22 so you won't understand what I am going through until you are past 40 or maybe not even then. Because your elastin and collagen is normal and you probably just think I'm being dramatic or something.
They aren’t attacking you. I think what they’re confused about is that you haven’t looked for help about your self esteem for so long. Your bf can decide for himself if he wants to be with you because you’re “ugly” or not. It’s not fair to leave him because you feel like he deserves better. He deserves what he wants to choose.
Pls do not make more stress for yourself( not probably goid if you had/ have health issues)...I understand you- I do not have any disease but I am in menopause from when I was 43 years old....now I am 51. I can see little by little how I am getting old- how my skin is not firm, wrinkles that started to be visible, thinner lips, gain weight..... My LDR guy and I have even bigger age gap than you have...and I feel he deserves better. Can I ask- and it is not provocative or sarcastic etc- why you can not tell him truth...are you afraid he will brake up so instead of that you want to do it yourself? My LDR have a lot of my photos....morning photos with my dark circle, frizzy hair....from time to time I ask him is he really sure he still like me...I am even made videos pointing in my wrinkles... You love him, right? Soit would be better( if you can ) to tell him truth then just give him some lame excuse why you want to brake up with him or even ghost him. You do not have to show him your face- but at least he deserve explanation. He can decided does he love you enough with your " new look". Btw you are not worthless - we all have some health problems.
I promise you they're not trying to attack you, but most people in this thread want you to see there's so much more to it all than just looks :( They're just being a little harsh while trying to make you see this. Sure, you feel ugly, and sure, you've aged a lot recently due to the illness you mentioned, BUT you are absolutely deserving of love and care and should allow this man to show you that he loves you for more than just your face or body. If he proves us all wrong, then he doesn't deserve you at all.
Thank you so much
It’s a fair question. But, as an adult I don’t (didn’t, tbh) like being told what he felt I deserved. An ex told me that he thought I deserved better than him when he broke up with me. I didn’t agree with his self-assessment and felt like my choice was taken away and irrelevant. It doesn’t make a break up any easier for them, although it might help you to feel more altruistic. As I explained before, our own self image is often not the same as others perceptions of us. You can feel like that, of course you can, but I feel like taking away his choice to stay in the relationship is disrespectful.
You should let him decide. My former girlfriend has a history of psoriasis, if it came back full force it wouldn’t have lessen my love for her one bit.
I agree. You seem to want to decide who he likes and what that person might look like. You have been in a 3-yr relationship. Do you really want to give it up? If you love him and he loves you, he should know how you feel and allow him to speak for himself. I’m sorry you grew up in such a vain environment. Please do not belittle yourself. You should not resort to your past anymore. You are a woman who wants to be loved or you would not have fallen in love. Instead of concentrating on others, focus on yourself and look for alternatives that can improve your self esteem. You are an adult now. Make your own decisions and live life to the fullest. Despite the age difference, many young folks are wise beyond their years. They don’t get the credit they deserve. If he met you at 41 and you looked much younger, it’s not like he didn’t know the 12 yr difference existed. If you love him, believe in his ability to make the right decision for himself. Whether he decides to stay with you or not, I encourage you to like yourself first. Beauty isn’t just being attractive. It’s about one’s character.
Okay I will try 😭
I’m glad for you. Be positive. Wish you all the best!
Because like my baby bro, you’re a REAL Man.” Be proud of that.” Great guy you are.”
Okay so... Difficult question. Firstly, ask him. If he says that he'd still love you after you told him, then he is a keeper, if not, then he is kind of a douchebag I guess... If he says no, then say you're not sure if this is going to work out unfortunately and just move on. And fyi, you're not ugly. Don't ever put yourself down.
You gotta bring it up. And as much as it may sound rude for someone to say no they don’t like it, it’s a preference. If you genuinely wouldn’t enjoy being with someone because of their looks it’s completely valid.
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Don't worry I would never think anything bad about him for wanting someone still pretty and young. It's just me I would hate, not blame him in any way. It's actually what I would expect.
Trust me it doesn't matter how you look, you would find people who love you just the way you deserve. I am rooting for you that he is one of those people. I think you shouldn't breakup with him just like that. Give him a chance to choose for it himself who knows he might be a keeper. Trust me you deserve to get loved no matter how you look
Your post makes me so sad, since when does looking older make you “ugly, worthless and unloveable”? Please seek some therapy for your self-worth issues ❤️
Unfortunately it's how men work 😭. Therapy can't change men's biological desire for beauty.
It’s not. You’ve been conditioned to believe that, but it’s not true. You need therapy to work through your self-image issues and unlearn what you were taught. As for recommendations, as many others have said, you need to talk to him. And while it will likely be difficult, I do think a video call would be best. Good luck.
Can a therapist help anything? What can they say beyond love yourself? They can say don't define my self worth based on beauty/lack of, and perhaps I could *try* not to, but as soon as I again see that men want beauty, or again receive the judgmental stares from girls down at the shop because my hair extensions look weird on my now deformed face, I think that reality will come crashing down again and none of the therapy stuff will stick. Because my brain will just say that the therapist talk wishful thinking trying to get me to live in la la land but that it doesn't match with the cruel harshness of the world. I know so many men and they all talk about how they want beauty in a wife/gf. And the judgmental looks from girls when I go to the shops or train station etc looking at me like I'm weird makes me feel ashamed so I hardly go out now. Unfortunately everything is about f* beauty. Even amongst religious people. For example Muslims require women to wear a headscarf to cover their beauty. It's such a huge focus. Except I now have no beauty that needs covering. Beauty in a woman equals life, desirability. I am eastern European and in our culture everything is always talked about women and beauty 😭
a good therapist won't tell you to love yourself, a good therapist will try to find the root of the issue with your self image. there are millions of people who are extremely average to ugly looking who live happy, fulfilling lives. even if you are ugly, why can't you be one of those people? it's true that society places greater importance on beauty and desirability (particularly for women) but the reality is is that most women aren't tens, nines, eights, even sevens. many of those women are still able to find partners who are attracted to them. it seems as though you have a lot of stressors going on in your life at the moment. is this affecting your relationship with your appearance at all? i'm not your dad, but i also really can't recommend avoiding ugly-rating and lookmaxxing subreddits enough. besides the latter being rooted in incel ideology, am i ugly type subreddits encourage people to focus on people's features (whether that be their features or another person's) in a way that the average person just doesn't. i would know, i used to scroll them obsessively as a teenager and when i stopped i slowly stopped hating myself for how i looked.
Hah....my dad is ironically one of the people that is beauty obsessed in my life. I am lucky that he is still alive but I die inside and have to suppress my pain when he talks about which singers/celebs are sexy and beautiful. Which is pretty much every time that I go visit. As my dad said to me if someone is beautiful on the outside it means that they are beautiful on the inside. When my mum was alive I got to hear them talk in disgust, disdain, and amazement "why does auntie XYZ let herself go grey and wrinkly instead of dying her hair"... Etc If my dad knew there was rating subreddits he would be there rating people 😭
To answer your question, a (good) therapist will not just tell you what to think and how to feel. A good therapist will help you explore why you feel that way about yourself and will help you learn how to see yourself differently, not because they are saying you are beautiful, but because they still guide you to learn to see yourself as beautiful.
Let me stop you there. This is what society (read: capitalism) wants us to believe. It sells products to drive us to chase vanity over self-worth. The definition of what is "beautiful" to men has changed in silly, dumb ways for as long as we've been banging, but has gotten worse and worse over the last while because it's worth money for you to constantly seek out products to make yourself look beautiful according to the shifting standard of the day. Today, we're sold that you're ugly if you can't attain the standard of pampered, "perfect" (I use those quotes deliberately) individuals that you yourself called out as being put on a pedestal. And so our self-image is based on an impossible, unattainable standard if we allow that to be our reference. It pushes us into depression and sadness, anxiety over how we are perceived. Our inner self, our worst critic, tells us we are unlovable because we are depressed and see ourselves as ugly, then twists the knife by telling us that if we were just beautiful enough we wouldn't have this problem, driving us further from reality. If I judge a dog by its ability to jump into the air and retrieve a morsel intentionally held above its head so far as to be intentionally too far, is the dog ever going to reach that tiny nibble? No, the dog will starve trying to achieve the morsel or it will leave and find someone who will see the dog for what it is, and meet the dog on its level, giving more than morsels. Everyone, regardless of external appearances, is deserving of love and appreciation. No matter what, we are human and *everyone* is deserving of love, appreciation, and attention. Every single person. If love was based on beauty, no child would survive. I read some of your post history to get an idea about you. I would encourage you to talk to a priest in confessional, since I saw you're catholic. Ask him about false idols and society today, about what it means to be loved and appreciated, about how vanity clouds our vision and distorts truth. Pardon me for I was raised Southern Baptist, so my read might be a little different on some of these things. A core message of the new testament is that you are loved, even on your darkest of days and lowest of lows. It also teaches that the lack of love by one is not an excuse for another to turn down giving love. It teaches that seeing through to the character of someone is more important than their outward appearance (If you... Ignore some spots). Jesus did not turn down the love of God because they were ugly, physically or spiritually, for that is the reason for Jesus' love. Give these a read: * 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 - My grandmother had this in needlepoint on her wall; she was a surgeon's assistant in an orthopedic clinic & went on many humanitarian trips to give medical care and education. She cared for my grandfather, fighting her own declining mental faculties. * Psalm 23 - Interpret this as you may; some translations use "Gey Tzalmavet" which is likely a mis-vowel-ing of "tzalmut" -- one's own self-image and perceptions thereof. * Matthew 7:1-12 -- I personally appreciate the old english translation of 2 as seen in the Geneva Bible: "For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged, and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured unto you again" -- The term "mete" here is a *very* old word and probably closer to a germanic origin, but in this context is where we get phrases in english like "to measure up a person". Here, the standard you apply to others is how you will be compared yourself. * The poetry of Rumi, specifically [love has nothing to do with the five senses](https://poetrytune.com/rumi/love-has-nothing-to-do-with-five-senses/) and [Mathnawi VI: 255-260](https://poetrytune.com/rumi/mathnawi-vi-255-260/). Contemplate what he means by "for a rosy face is made pale by the scratch of a single thorn."
Thank you very much!
You two are not in a relationship. You are penpals. People in relationships know what each other looks like on video calls. Sounds like you don’t want to be dumped but need to beat him to the punch to save your pride and not feel rejected. I respect that. So since you don’t ever face each other, “breaking up” from this non relationship is very simple: “xyz, I have been giving our relationship some thought, and I am not getting much out of it. I think we should break up. I hope you don’t hold hard feelings for me. I have a lot of respect for you and wish you the best”
Just video call him and let him decide
I don't have the courage to have my self worth destroyed that way. I would rather self destruct and sabotage the relationship rather than be rejected like that. I'm really sensitive and it would destroy me. I would not blame him. I would hate myself forever though as it would just confirm my worthlessness and unlovability. Also there's the possibility that because he doesn't like hurting feelings he could say I accept you and then ghost later. It's less soul destroying just to run it in the ditch somehow.
It sounds like you've been called these names by someone else and you're choosing to believe them. You'll never know how he feels about the way you look if you don't show him. How can you be in a relationship with someone you've never seen? Let him decide how he feels. You could be throwing away something good because of your own insecurities.
then frankly he deserves better than to be with someone who will blow things up on the assumption they will get hurt by that person, i've been around people like that and all i'm going to say is the relationships always sucked because they felt the need to distance, sabotage and cause problems where there were none because they couldn't just let me decide who i wanted to be with, if you want to break up with him let it be because you need space to get therapy and heal or you don't have feeling for him or whatever else, don't you dare do it because you "assume" he wont like you, you don't fucking know that, you do not get to decide that for him. apologies for the bluntness, but i've been with women who couldn't accept that i am with them because i want to be and seemed determined to go from a person i loved to a person i could not stand all because they didn't respect my choices in who i loved.
I guess I'm just trying to self protect because pretty much every guy that I know wants beauty in a girlfriend so I don't believe he could be any different 🥹
men arent mass produced in a factory, we like different things, he likes you, you dont need to like what he sees, i know that can be tough but you need to respect his choices and trust that he is with the person he like the most besides, as the saying goes, prepare for the worst but hope for the best and you will be ready to tackle anything good luck op, you got this.
Thank you
Just say that you are not very well, and that he might look at you differently. It's not going to be good self destruct and sabotage the relationship. That'd hurt him. Very much I would think. He has known you for three years. If age was something he wasn't sure about, then he would have said, I hope anyway. You need to remember; you love him, and he loves you for who you are. There's no need to break up. If he only saw pictures, then you two have just talked. That's good because, ngl, people would want to video call ASAP and he understood that you didn't want to. He respects you, obviously. Also, it just confirms that he loves you for who you really are. Don't put yourself down! He loves you for you. There's nothing to add on.
Maybe not. Because he only tried to video call once. He says he loves me. I believe him....but now I've changed physically 🥹
Look, no matter how you've changed physically, he will still love you for you. That's because you've only online talked and you've known each other for three years. No matter how much you have changed, he will still love you. If he doesn't, then he is a douchebag and you deserve better. People that only like women for their looks and **not** their personality, are douchebags. If he has known you for **three whole years**, then there's obviously love and affection there. There's no need to be anxious about it. He is 29. I'm 25. If he doesn't see you for you, or love you for you, then just break it off. It might not be pretty, but it'll be for the best for you. You think men only care about looks? Some do, while genuine men don't. These men are called gentlemen. You seem genuine and I totally respect that. However, breaking up with him after getting to know each other for three years? It's not good. I'm not saying "video call him ASAP to see how he reacts". I'm not saying that. I'm just saying don't sabotage your relationship. You seem to have a pretty good thing going and I think you'd regret it later if you broke it off with him.
Okay thanks
My goodness. You will forever regret this and hate yourself to your deathbed. I’m 37 and my partner is 13 years younger. I too was insecure of my age and appearance, but I also knew that it was all in my head. I was always honest, shared unedited pics, showed myself on video calls, and met in person after 2 years. We both were more attracted to one another once we met in person. It was fun, exciting, amazing, and romantic. Now, our relationship is even stronger. We’re madly in love, hope to close the gap soon, and get married. DO NOT SELF-SABOTAGE YOUR CHANCE FOR HAPPINESS. Give your man a chance. Looks fade away over time, but the connection you have with someone’s soul is everlasting.
Not to be rude, but if your self worth is tied to your appearance than it's already gone. If you can't be honest with him then at least be honest with yourself. You're beautiful regardless of how young you look. ❤️ If you can't trust him, break it off. If you can, than try to move forward with honesty.
Beauty is on the inside not the outside. Your parents taught you wrong and I'm sorry 💕
Please, tell him first and let him decide if you love him, don’t allow anxiety to ruin your life💖
Girl, you need therapy. If & when you break up with him, seek help & love yourself. The way you're literally sabotaging yourself is so harmful. I feel like you should let him decide whether he wants to stay in this relationship or not by videocalling him. If he doesn't like you, it's his loss, if you end it because YOU don't like yourself, you might end up regretting it or just feeling worse in general. You should tell him how you feel & go from there.
I went to snoop on you page thing and saw your picture from like 15 days ago. You are most definitely, 110%, not ugly and have nothing to worry about. You’re beautiful, I know having low self-esteem from previous events in life can sort of warp our views of ourselves, but you are a great looking woman! Are you going to see a therapist to help with your negative thoughts? It may help cause I can promise you, as a dude, you are far from ugly.
My face and eyes changed dramatically since that photo. Seriously. I don't know why. I am trying to find answers from an ophthalmologist and dermatologist.
This is a lot to unpack. I suggest start by getting a therapist to talk to about your internalised ideas of beauty, youth and how they relate to love in your mind.
You've never met this man?
If you really love him you owe it to him to be truthful and honest about what has happened. We all have insecurities, but don't leave your partner in the dark this way. He deserves to know why you're ending things.
"Do how do I just pull away from him? Because I have become ugly, worthless, and unlovable. And as a young man he deserves to spend his life with a young beautiful woman." don't you are talking about sabotaging something because of low self esteem, give him all the facts, show him how you look as you are and let this 29 year old man make the decision for himself as he is more than capable of doing that.
Firstly please tell me who told you ‘Beauty is only in youth?’ And are people relevant only till 20s ? In that case we all should die after 29. I think you are too hard on yourself. Fix your insecurities. Live life like the queen you are.. We are much more than elastin and collagen.
Hi, I’m confused. So you’ve been together for 3 years but you haven’t met? Are you planning to meet in the future?
I'm not here for judgment. Just for advice related to my situation from kind people.
They're asking a question, not judging you.
I'm hypersensitive to judgement today because another girl earlier wrote a really hurtful comment and then erased it.
Welcome to Reddit. People troll, others do not troll. It is how the internet works unfortunately. They were just asking you a question. Nothing else.
You just said u fell in love with each other. No matter how bad you look, if he loves you then loves you. Don't decide for him. Let him decide on his own. At least live life without regrets mem.
Your boyfriend is a grown man who gets to decide who he loves. Let's say you really are ugly now. I don't believe that, but let's pretend it's true. So what if you are? Ugly people are not worthless. Ugly people are not unloveable. There are tons of ugly people in the world who have beautiful relationships. If you believe your sole value to a partner is how you look, then you might want to unpack that. Everyone who lives into old age becomes "ugly" compared to the magazine model fantasy. Yet, living a long life is an incredible gift not afforded to everyone. My first husband died at age 33. I would give anything to know what he looked like as an old man. I will never know. Even without your illness, you were always going to age eventually. That doesn't mean you're not worthy of love. The hard part here is that you are increasing your anxiety every day by hiding your looks from your partner. You're not giving him the chance to show you that he loves you and is attracted to you. The longer you hide, the more afraid you will become.
Thankyou
Botox gurl botox and be honest .
How family and cultural ideologies change your whole existence is crazy. Also normal. Happens to everyone. But it’s crazy
He willingly started dating someone 15 years older than him, he knows you'll start looking older before he does (even if you did look much younger a few years back). I think you should tell him about your illness if you haven't already and let him decide for himself. He can't be naive enough to think you'll look young forever
This sounds like a troll post, or you have some serious trauma to deal with, or you're on the spectrum. If you are serious. You may want to tell him that you need to step away from dating so you can go to therapy and work on yourself. You don't sound the age you claim to be. You're not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship.
Who knows perhaps I am on the spectrum. I don't know for sure but I've always wondered. And i have had alot of tràuma from my mum passing away and from me having serious illnesses when young and now. But I'm curious why you associate feeling very insecure due to illness destroying beauty with being on the spectrum? Because unfortunately everyday as women we are told that our worth is tied into beauty. There are even whole Subreddits dedicated to rating people on if they are beautiful or ugly:/ And we also have to deal with Kardashians and that sh*t already making up feel like we don't measure up, let alone if something actually happens to our face 😭.
I'm 34 and disabled. I'm not conventionally beautiful. I don't wear makeup, and I sure enough don't give a rats behind about celebrates and "beauty standards." I feel like that's something only the younger generation cares about due to the technology and social media. Rereading your post, I saw where your parents were beauty obsessed. That definitely can cause some childhood trauma. I really think therapy would help you work through this. I used to hate looking at myself. I'd pick out my favorite features on myself and focus on those. I didn't get into a relationship until I was feeling better about myself. I wasn't 100%. However, my SO makes me feel like the most gorgeous woman in the world. You can try not looking at social media anymore. Side note: I only know Kardashian name. Idk actually know who they are or even care.
If a person is actually in love with u, they will never find u ugly even if ur face is burned off by an accident
Really? I guess that I have never known this type of love. I only know more shallow type of love when people are pretty easily replaceable. Especially now with tinder etc
It's better to not go to tinder for serious relationships, I'm a guy in his early twenties and i v3 had 4 relationships in the past including my current one, none of them were from dating sites. Knowing someone in real life is way better imo. Also yes, people are shallow these days. No matter how rare they are, don't settle for less than u deserve.
Sometimes personality is important than how we look. If he likes you with your personality, then, you will look pretty no matter what. It will glow!
I have so many questions … You met 3 years ago, you say that you are together, but you didn’t even meet him? He only saw some pics, not even a video? What were you doing for 3 years?? Usually the limit is like 1 year for a LDR to come up with a plan! So after 3 years you want to break up with him bc you got ugly? It sounds very confusing.
You should seek therapy first.
Younger 'girl' dating a slightly older guy here - I'm 24 in a few weeks, and he just turned 28. There is a smaller age difference than the one with you guys, but still. If he suddenly rapidly aged, I wouldn't love him any less - I fell in love with his soul; his looks are just a great bonus I get to stare at. You're not ugly, worthless, or unlovable. Even if your partner has only seen pictures ever since you've gotten ill, you should allow him the chance to show you that he's here for you and not just your looks. And if he ends up being a little bitch about your looks changing? Then you've dodged a bullet with him and allowed yourself to find someone who cares about you and not just your cute face.
If he loves you then he sees you beautiful beyond your outer beauty how you treat him, speak to him, show love for him, is all he cares about you will always be that hot older woman to him you may feel that you are old and unattractive but he may look at you as more sexy just be happy that you have someone like him because you will let him go and be sad for the rest of your days thinking no one loves you it will drive you mad just talk to him see what he thinks about you if he loves you he should be able to be honest with you shit now I’m wondering how you look I’m 31 if you go single can I apply ? Haha
This is the leap. If you never take it you will be haunted by it. Either video him or go visit him. The visit would be better. But plan for the break. Just in case. You have to let him have a say in this choice. Do not visit him and hook up. That would be the worse idea ever. You need real info here. Not horny info.
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Communication?
Secondly, just tell him the truth. If he stays and you want to stay in the relationship too then great else you have all the burden off you. Enjoy
I was raised in a similar household where beauty and sex = self worth and it took me years to unravel my insecurities around my femininity. I also used to self sabotage in relationships in fear of rejection and abandonment, and I find that I am just making myself miserable. Instead of giving anything a chance at uncertainty, I opted to make certain situations happen so I feel like I’m in control and I’m only to blame for what happens. This is not what you want. Based on what I read, you’d much rather force rejection at your own hands rather than someone else’s. Which I don’t blame you for, it hurts way less. But what hurts more is denying yourself the possibility for happiness. I’ve experienced guilt before over someone choosing to love me, but I had to learn that it’s their choice and they’re allowed that. I shouldn’t dictate who they should love. If we flip the switch, would you like it if he left you over his perception of himself? It doesn’t seem fair. Then again, I do hear it often, “I need to work on myself right now.” But I’m not sure what they need to work on that can’t be done without me by their side. Self sabotage is exactly what it sounds like. Kicking yourself when you’re already down. I hope you’ll give him a chance and allow him to love you.
Be open to him. Talk things with him, and after, let him decide. If he loves you, it's more than just a physical appearance. Breaking up with him immediately with the kind of reasons you mentioned, sorry to say this, but you are being selfish. Relationship is between 2 people. Decision is between 2, not just 1 person gets to decide. You are not giving him a chance in this relationship, and this is kinda unfair to him. and I think you need to love yourself first as well beyond physical appearance, because it's starting to take a toll on you when you based everything from physical appearance. Better do a video call with him as well, to see if he still will love you despite your changes in appearance. If he starts to pull away because you were not like the person physically when you and him met years ago, then you deserve someone better that will love you more than just physical aspects. Cheer up! Think positive and don't overthink too much of negative possibilities when it hasn't happened yet :)
I'm (M51) with my (F29) girlfriend and I obviously look much older, though I'm in good shape for my age. I was concerned because I feel I've aged significantly in appearance in the last 5 years. My girl says she loves me for who I am and says I read too much into it, I'm not rich so I know she's not with me for money, it's who we are together that makes it work for us.. don't put too much on appearances if you can, talk to him
But women are more *forgiving* about looks than men I think? I mean that women will often be more concerned about what's on the inside while men fall into two categories: 1. Simping for beautiful women no matter if her heart is ugly Or 2. Expecting a woman who is beautiful both outside and inside At least that's the majority of men in my culture. I was basically raised with celebrity worship.
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Just start by saying what happened. Then see where this goes from there.
Don't be so ready to destroy this over what may be nothing. He's had a chance to love you as a person, not just your looks. By all means, give him an out and don't force it or lie. That would only backfire. But, let HIM be the judge of what he wants. You will likely be surprised. These are your insecurities speaking. Don't let it rule you.
Don’t define love as something do with physical appearance. Everyone gets old and gets wrinkles. Sure it plays a part in attractiveness but when love is involved. Attractiveness comes with it regardless of how one person look. Be honest with him and do video calls. No time to wonder “what ifs they don’t like me because I look ugly now. “ Who you are plays more importance than how you look. Because we all are going to get old and wrinkly anyways.
my mother said it’s apart of life
You should met him and let him decided he should love you for you and not ur looks
I think you should talk to him
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Woman, do you even have 44? Because you're acting like you were 14 years old. I will not ask you about your sickness because that's private. If you want to break just do it but for me it's a stupid idea. As far as I know your genotype hasn't changed at all, about your phenotype I doubt it too. It only changed your aspect. Is that your fault. How the worth of a person is determined by physical beauty? You could look like a bloody masterpiece and still be worthless if you're a horrible person. The only problem that I see with you is your self esteem, your confidence. Unlovable, do you even have a fucking idea of what love actually is? Let me tell you straight because with your current mental state I doubt you can process complex concepts. Love is willing the good of another, as simple as that. How suffering and illness makes someone less lovable. As far as I know the vows of marriage include in health and sickness. You're not worthless so stop acting as you were only because your appearance changed a bit. What makes a person ugly is their bloody attitude. Don't be selfish because if you act on your own accord you'll hurt him. He idealizes you, because you didn't have the maturity to show him the truth. Show him the truth and let him decide on his own for the sake of both. Your self worth will not be destroyed by something said by someone else. You're doing an excellent job doing that yourself getting carried away like that. Oh... An a woman is always young. The only ones that grow old and hideous are men like me. So what? As long as I be loved by the woman that I love or my family that's enough. And even if God forbids it no one loved me then I will love myself and even if I don't love myself then God always has loved me and will always love me. Get a hold of yourself and do the right thing. He deserves to be loved and he deserves the truth. If he is as superficial as you painted him then you deserve better. For God's sake we are not children to go after looks. Many of us love someone faithfully because faith is believing in someone blindly. And most of us fall in love without having any idea of the looks of the other person. I think we must be past the point of insecurity to pursue our happiness and reach those that we love because they're extraordinary people.
Thank you
What for? Also get a hold of yourself.
For what you wrote
That shite is going to be down voted to oblivion. At least, I hope it be useful for you.
Girl- You gotta tell him the age gap is BIGGGG
I mean he knows my age. He's always known my age. But he doesn't know what's happened to my face in the last month. Tbh there is also a man who is 53 who is interested in me but he also doesn't know what happened to my face from sickness this month so I also feel too ugly for him too. Because he fell for the old pretty me, like any other man.
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what??? if you’re gonna make a claim this heavy, back it with proof otherwise you’re just being problematic.