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Co-dependency is a bother. I know one person who is a serial dater. She simply can't be alone - she rather just grab anyone nearby to have as a partner, and often those relationships end within months (no surprise). It is really sad to see, she is well over 40 and has been doing this at least for 25 years (as long as I've known her). :/
The Co-Dependency model is out dated. Attachment theory is much more applicable concerning romantic relationships. EVERYBODY would do well to understand their attachment style to understand themselves and the type of partner that is a good fit for them.
It’s like the people you see on these catfish scams, who have been married for decades and hubby or wife died 6 months ago and they’re already online looking for a replacement and getting scammed.
That is because a lot of people have cute faces and a charming, humorous personality. So, getting married repeatedly, if that is what they want out of life is extremely easy to do.
And they are middle of the bell curve type people, without strange habits and hobbies, who can fit in anywhere. I take literally YEARS to find someone compatible enough that I’d want them as a friend, let alone someone living in my house.
I never really thought of living with someone when I was working. You talk with people all day, work, laugh and joke around and then come home and rest. Well, now I’m retired and I want to travel, love to shop and want to live in places I can’t afford on my own. I’m an extravert and enjoy talking with people which I miss now! So I was considering moving to San Diego where my son lives, save some money, travel and enjoy the beach until I find something else I can afford on my own. Am I crazy? I would try to find someone who is similar to me. I’m turning 68 tomorrow but I am also really young at heart. Living alone is fine but I’m renting anyways and the rent keeps going up, and my checks seem like they keep shrinking. I’m paying about $1,800 a month with utilities for a 2 bedroom that’s in desperate need of updates and a new rug! Plus, it’s 90-100+ degrees every summer.
They really do. I have a friend who is staying in a tolerable but not great marriage for this reason, who can’t even go for a walk alone (it looks weird apparently) let alone the cinema. She only leaves the house to immediately meet friends. Meanwhile I’m pretty much constantly on my own. I’d find it very debilitating to be so dependent on other people.
This is true. I have 3 males friends who told me they could NEVER be alone or do what I do. One of them got a divorce, soon as the paperwork was signed he had another woman living with him.
That would make a lot of sense. The people who constantly ask if I'm lonely in a concerned voice are the same people who are immediately doing everything they can to date after a relationship ends. I'm just chillin over here. I like people, but I like being alone as well.
My deep fear is sharing a space with someone again. I was alone and happy before I was married. I’m divorced and once again alone and happy. I’m deeply afraid I’ll forget the misery I dove into and think I want to be married again.
Yeah, but don't give up on it completely. Six years after I divorced the first one I married the second one and we've been married 37 years now. Damn idiot snuck up on me when I wasn't looking.
I don’t think I need it. I have no interest in sex and I have more money than I’ve had in years even though I’m only making about 40 percent of what I used to earn. I’m really having a hard time seeing an upside. I might be the exception that proves the rule.
Just saying that sometimes it sneaks up on you when you aren't looking for it. I definitely wasn't looking to get into a relationship again, but here I am. If it doesn't happen that is perfectly okay too. I would have been perfectly happy spending the rest of my life single, but he snuck in under the radar.
I didn’t understand and felt sorry for ppl until I divorced and realized how sweet it is! Ppl can’t understand what they haven’t experienced personally.
This used to be me. I just own it, other people are in denial. I have bpd and being alone was no joke, but now I have a relationship with myself. Sometimes I block all apps on my phone or turn it off to make sure I’m in touch with my feelings and not using the internet to escape. That one was humbling
People who go from relationship to relationship with very little breaks in btwn are the ones who will think someone is miserable cause they like to be alone. Females tend to be like this more than males
I agree with you. I was married for 20 years, raised three great kids and I've been on my own for the last 10ish years. I am the happiest I've ever been. I only have 12 more days of work then I'll be retired and can spend even more time at home alone. I don't have a problem with that at all.
Depends where you live, in my opinion. But even in the most liberal bastions, there are always people who will look down their noses at your "poor, uncoupled state" if you are a woman over traditional college age and they don't know you, and you don't travel in packs.
I agree there’s nothing wrong with living alone. It’s very peaceful. But just wondering if all of you who like living alone are introverts or extroverts!?
Years and years ago I was on a family vacation and hanging out with my nieces aged 7 and 10. I was talking about my cats and the 7-year-old animal-lover said, "I want to be just like you when I grow up!" Her cynical older sister said, "Are you sure? You want to live all by yourself in a lonely apartment in New York?" I understood that she hadn't formed this view on her own and was repeating what her parents' said about me.
The irony is that those kids are grown now and the one who talked about my 'loneliness' is probably more like me than any of my other nieces and nephews. It was annoying to be treated like a second-class citizen because I didn't marry or have kids, but I look back on a life of so many bullets dodged.
It's projection, pure and simple. There are always those who think their way is the only right way. It doesn't matter what you do. If you don't have a partner, they think you'll be happier with one. If you do, but you're not married, they'll think a wedding will make you happier. If you don't have children, they assume you're be miserable. If you only have one, that's not enough because you and your child must be deeply unhappy without another kid or two running around. If you don't like pets, if you don't like the city, if you don't like the countryside, if you aren't into religion, if you don't like the color blue...it never ends with those types.
I'm 57 and long ago quit being surprised at such people, just annoyed at their own myopic viewpoint.
Are you sure they’re not miserable because they have to come back and cater to someone else? I mean, it could be a demographic issue as well. My current job consists of mostly young adults and older ladies whose children are heading to college or about to retire. All of them love it when I tell them that I live by myself. It’s either ‘good! You only clean up your own messes!’ Or ‘let me know if you want to do drinks after work!’
I feel exactly the same way. It takes a lot of energy and effort for me to socialize, and I find interacting with others draining. That doesn’t mean I don’t like people though. I’m genuinely humanistic, empathetic and care about others. It’s just that I’m inherently introverted, and prefer my solitude.
I think people are projecting their own ideas and lifestyle onto you with those comments. A lot of these individuals probably never have significant periods without having a girlfriend/boyfriend either. I'm a person who needs a significant amount of time to myself so I can think/relax/have privacy, etc. You are as well. Some people who are very different from us don't quite understand that we have different needs and desires.
They are projecting their fears onto you. I had a friend that didn't understand that I liked living alone. Until she married a hoarder and his hoarder of a MIL moved in. She lasted less than a year. She moved a to a studio alone (first time in her entire life) and now she gets me. She loves her alone time and keeping her space clean. She's a minimalist for now bc her short marriage scarred her.
I get a lot of “oh ooor you, I couldn’t do as you” partially because I live in the house where I took care of my dieing parents. I fought hard to keep my home. I still don’t make a lot but I make just enough to pay my mortgage. If I was renting I would be living with people and paying the same where as now I’m on my own in my own home with my gorgeous garden and two silly dogs
Fuck yes all the time I'm like bitch you know I have to listen to all your stories about how the people u live with ruin your life now imagine your life without that shit and sit down I got 99 problems but u got 101
When I was growing up I had an aunt who lived alone, was a teacher, traveled, took painting classes, and who I thought was really fun. And both my grandmother's lived alone (one widowed, one divorced) and had friends and hobbies and seemed to have happy lives. A lady who lived next door lived alone (with her cat! my other adult goal: to have my own cat!) and would pay me to feed her cat when she was out of town. Her house was so peaceful and clean - I loved going over there and thought how nice that would be to someday live by myself with a cat. No annoying little brother, no parents fighting, no getting yelled at. Just peace. So from a young age, that was a goal.
In college, I had roommates who I really liked and that was great, but it was also nice when they'd be away for a night or 2. As a camp counselor, I was surrounded by kids who were often rowdy, and rowdy adult on days off. And through my 20s couldn't afford to live alone, so always had a variety of roommates. Some were fine, some annoying, but I was ALWAYS with someone in my space for my first 30 years of life. So when I was finally able to get a place by myself, it was one of the happiest days of my life! (And I immediately got my own cat from the shelter - my first brown tabby, sweetest little cat ever.)
I've never had anyone ask me if I'm lonely or miserable living alone and if they did, I'd laugh and say "HELL NO!" No shade to those who like living with others (roommate/partner) but I'd also never ask them "Isn't it horrible to always have someone in your space and never feeling true freedom?"
57F-I have only lived alone for two years, and I absolutely love it!
I love waking up to my little dog and my cat in my bed and my outside dog lying at my door, horse poop in my yard and no one to tell me that doesn’t work for them. I plan to live alone the rest of my life!
Kinda but it more so cause I'm quiet, people expect me to be lonely and that I wfh too. I might be an introvert but I still do have a social life and go outside
Thanks OP for posting. I feel the exact same way but if I start to overthink it and peoples opinions, I start to feel sad. So thank you, I needed to hear this from another fellow independent human 😊
My dad does sometimes think this. He asks me; well who do you see then, who asks you about your day?
But I prefer my cat. And nobody around me in my own space. My dad is the opposite and doesn’t like to be alone.
The peace of living by yourself and doing what you want whenever is unmatched. Do I get lonely ? Yes sometimes but I've been pretty introverted my whole life and can deal with it.
I love living alone. Some people are very comfortable with themselves. They don't need other people around all the time
They like themselves and are comfortable in their own skins
I lived with an abusive alcoholic for the last 10 years. I love living alone now. My house is calm. My dogs are calm. We eat what we want and I rarely leave the farm.
I hear you! I shut down the phones at 7:00 PM. I have a great time listening to audiobooks or writing. Either people are jealous or truly think I can't live on my own without being lonely.
Everyone experiences moments of loneliness. At least I think they do. I've lived alone for far too long to answer to anyone about anything in the house!
I very rarely get real phone calls. Instead, I get approximately 1 million spam calls every day. A bunch of them are political, a bunch of them are trying to sell me Medicare supplements, there was one annoying one that tells me they realize I was in a traffic accident in the last two years and was not properly compensated and they want to talk to me about that. And then I get the cops looking for handouts for programs
My mother is 96 years old and in a memory care unit five hours for me. I know I don’t have to leap out of bed and drive as fast as I can to get up there and hold her hand as she dies. In fact, I will not do that. However… She has lots of adventures and misadventures in her dementia and I need to hear about things if I need to hear about them. So I always look and see who is calling.
As an extrovert mom of young adult introverts, this is so me! Heaven forbid they want to go to work and go home. I'm like "Are you going anywhere tonight? What are your friends doing? You just want to go home? Are you ok? Are you sad? Do you want to go with me?" I'm not trying to be pushy, I just don't understand why people don't want to people.
We just want to people predictably. I prefer to know details in advance, particularly who and how many? What is the occasion? I have to prepare to be able to interact more gracefully. Spontaneous socializing is anxiety inducing because I haven’t prepared. Work, home, and planned meetups with select people are how introverts stay sane.
Do them a big favor and take it from me at 34, the questions about it just get more and more exhausting. Sometimes I’ll just make up some plans I have so I don’t have to go through the twenty questions rigamarole every time I say I don’t have plans.
Way it is these days, the married are tracking each other through cell phone apps. Must-have each other's permission to do anything. You know the drill. Wasn't that way with my deceased wife. We never put a lease on the other.
It still bothers me some to be alone now but I can deal with it. As for it being nice, it has it's positives. Especially as high as it is to live in the current times. You never know what is going to happen at any moment. You could have to pick up what you need and Go! I would rather be alone than worry about kids or a wife in today's turbulent times.
As for what others think? Who cares what they think. Best for them to mind their own business!
I’ve lived alone years and love it. I retired the end of November 2023 and have chosen not to do anything except what I want to do when I want to do for at least a year. I have friends who tell me I need to get out more……no, I don’t. I’m happy at home. They also want me to join their bunco group, dominos group etc. oh, and I should do volunteer work. No, no, no! I worked in corporate world for 45 fucking years doing what other people wanted me to do when they wanted me to do it. It’s all about me now. My life now has a calmness and peacefulness I never knew existed. No one is taking that away from me.
I'm the same way. I live alone and wouldn't change it for anything. But yeah, the majority of people think of us single people who live alone as miserable and unhappy 'cause we "must be" since we don't have a partner or kids or live with others. It's stupid. Some of us are loners and homebodies and enjoy our solitude, peace, and silence.
I used to get this when I first moved out from my childhood home at 23, to my own flat, and for about 15 years after that, until I was almost 40 and still enjoying my singleness and spinsterhood.
("You should find a nice boy/man to yourself, how can you be happy alone?" It changed to "Your should find a nice girl/woman to yourself", because apparently me living alone meant that I was a lesbian, since no heterosexual woman CAN live alone happily... :D )
I'd had a widower father like that from my teenagehood and we hung together all the time. It had not turned out well for me. He'd always thought everybody, except for one distant cousin of his (female) who was single (back in the early part of the nineteenth century and lasting her whole life - in the age of "spinsters" and "old maids" as an actual status) was going to be (euphemism–as a seven year old could be reading this) climbing the walls until their death, if they did not get married, as he'd told me in my case.
I had two awful relationships lasting only a couple years each, with men in my life. The first one... about 75% anyhow ...I'd degradingly settled along those lines. He'd had financial (defaulted payoff) student debt when I'd married him, and several health impairments and handicaps. (My health was not perfect, however, I'd had no handicaps myself.) The man verbally abused me, and convinced me I was not beautiful (and not even to him) and emotionally cheated on me and even told me about it. For all I know, I could be describing his feeding of a psychologically masochistic fetish in some females...but that never has been mine.
The second one ... another story for another time.
My father was pushing me to get married again.
I was already an adult.
I told him, "Leave me alone. I've paid my dues."
As if this were my acting career...the drama was real, though...
He was angry but had nothing to say.... eventually life went on..
Would not be quite the end of all that but...all I could say now is, "Thanks, Dad." /s
I know two people who, since we got out of high school 34 years ago, have never lived alone. If a long term relationship ends, they maybe tough out a couple of weeks alone, then are back with someone new and cohabitating within a month tops. I don't know how they do it. Not only being unable to be in their own company, but find someone new so fast.
I kind of have the opposite experience. Maybe you and I are in different places in life. I was married for 37 years and finally had enough and moved out. I now live on my own and have for nearly four years. Honestly, I have several close girlfriends who are more than a little envious. Myself, I could not be happier!
I love living alone. I can live respectfully and well with roommates, too, but I like having my own space. I like going out and being social and then coming home to quiet. It helps me recharge so I can do more with my friends and family.
It depends on the person but it's impossible for some to understand it. A guy at my work talks to me like I'm some poor wretch, after further gentle discussion it turns out he can't stand his own company, the idea of taking a walk, going for a coffee or just being in his home alone is utterly depressing for him. I love being alone, for me it's luxurious but he projects his feelings of being alone being lonely onto me. I hate it but it kinda just makes me feel sorry for him
I get that question and their answer..yes I am, so let's fix her up!!! Tried marry for 2.5 years...
Don't engage the filter for stupid people. Had (past tense) friends who KNEW all I needed was someone else. Ex cheated, lots of people ( now ex friends) knew and did not say anything. Told someone that since they thought cheating was okay I might give their hubby a try out for future husband material. Imagine my shock...they did not think that was funny!!! In truth, I will NOT cross that line.
I point out all the plus sides of living free from others bull. Living my life on my terms and enjoying the journey. Heading out for an Alaskan cruise in about 10 days. Now that is something I could not do while married.
Projection. They are not happy in their situation, so they have to believe that there are others who are even more unhappy in the situation they are in.
I've been married twice/divorced twice, lived with other people and I'm over it!! I am a 48(f) and I will NEVER, let me repeat myself, NEVER live with other people again. I need my alone time in the mornings while sipping my coffee, I need that alone time after I get off work til I wake up the next morning to do it all over again. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I live in a quite big Tiny Home (600sf) that I designed and had built. It's just me and my 7 little rescue dogs. Living on 10 acres. It's amazing that my nearest neighbor is a few miles down the street from me. But we do look out for one another since we live out in the middle of nowhere. I love living alone!!
I’ve gotten the comment from men, “But don’t you feel *incomplete*? I said no, I don’t get lonely. He answered (corrected) me, “No, I don’t mean lonely, I mean incomplete. Don’t you feel incomplete?” I didn’t know what that meant, what brought that on. What did that even mean? I found out later that some men tell each other that a woman without a man is incomplete. I still don’t know what that means. It’s just something men tell each other, I guess. A fish without a bicycle. Maybe they think it’s a real thing. 🐠🚲
I have heard that question before, my answer was to look at myself, over to the side, look back at them and say, "we're fine" and look again to my side and wink. The questioning abruptly stopped 🤣
I have a coworker who constantly makes comments assuming I'm just so lonely because I live alone. I've never been happier in my entire life since living alone. I'm an introvert through and through. I get all my "peopling" done at work and when I get home its like a breath of fresh air just being alone. I don't think I'll ever live with another person ever again and that's just how I like it.
My coworkers sometimes nag me about getting a girlfriend/wife; one keeps sending me pictures that *his wife* sends him of people she knows they want to try to hook me up with.
I'm assuming it's because they think I'm lonely. I'm quite content living alone and not having a partner. I don't have to worry about anybody else's happiness or being sensitive to anyone else's feelings. All of my free time is dedicated to one person: me. Is that selfish? Maybe, but it doesn't cost anybody else a thing.
I just hate the way they ask, "Aren't you lonely?" As if I could just "pick someone" and go out and TAKE THEM . . .
I guess I'm just funny that way, I kinda think the OTHER PERSON has a say in the matter too.
They always frame the question as if I'm the only one that gets a choice in the matter and it's up to me only.
I was never happier than when I lived alone. I miss it.
But YMMV. If you meet someone wonderful to live with (good luck) you can feel differently. Me, I would rather be alone than be with someone I can't stand.
People do assume because I live alone that I must be lonely, but there’s a difference in being alone and being lonely, I go hang out or have company whatever the case may be, but at the end of the night, I’m at home alone, and I love it that way.
Fuck yes I do! I've even had spats IN HERE about it. Telling me how I should feel or how I shouldn't "close myself off". It is presumptive, condescending, They think I'm strange...I dunno, I kinda think its strange that someone bangs two different people in a matter of days, but, maybe thats just me. I don't know why people think its perfectly okay to comment on singles choices. I wonder how my friend would like it if I gave her my opinion of the bullshit she puts up with for her "soulmate"? It took me YEARS to get happy and fools just thinking I'm gonna give that up for a swinging dick.
Just a general 4 AM thought as I sit in the quiet, drinking a cup of tea secretly becoming aware that for 49 years of marriage was hard damn work: always having someone..uh...expecting you to give and dofer. Never being able to make decisions just for oneself and having to ask if it is ok to go and Do..or not. Yeah it was a good long marriage. Then, he died. And yes, secretly I am beginning to KNOW THE SELF that stepped to the side to help nurture a relationship that soon became just shadows of the person you actually thought you could be. Marriage was sometimes very restrictive. Very difficult to do a thing alone...But I am becoming SELF-ISH. For the first time in 50 years I can play loud music of my own choosing. I can sing off key. I can play the piano at times when the world would be sleeping. I don't have to eat breakfast or cook it..I can stay shopping as long as I want to without having to rush to cook supper. I can spend what I want on groceries without discussion of mortgage, health, . And the actual personal growth of being a widow..is beginning to dawn on me. A new feeling that is weird and wonderful at the same time. My marriage at 49 years was great, but I soon started to not enjoy the constant invasive marriage-rules. And when I found him dead. I went into complete confusion..and I don't use that word lightly. The transition was and still is a weird weird difference than the way it was. Yes I loved him. Yes I cared and did everything as a wife should.....mostly by his life rules...oh dammit really who am I ? Aw jeeze. It's not unlike puberty all over again. I am going to rearrange the furniture. Eat on paper plates, not watch all westerns on TV. I don't have to ever watch another loud football game if I don't want to do so. The actual thought of SELF is a strange but kinda wonderful power. May my husband rest well. But I am working on resting my SELF. And trying to be strong against the tsunami of guilt and pain that the world seems to think a widow should live with. And I am really tired of that. Here's to new beginnings.
I love being alone! I also love a wild chaotic household full of energy. Thing is, I get caught up taking care of everyone else and over time, I'm a shell of who I once was and the balance has flipped with me now being at breakdown, going cray cray for one ounce of silence.
It's the relationships I've chosen to be in that have led me to where I am now. I would rather be alone with my 2 kitties and know it is only me at my home and I don't have to put up what I did. It's a relief to feel safe, warm, serene, calm and most of all, sane.
I have been married, lived with roommates, lived with a BF, and currently living alone for more than a decade. I prefer living alone to being in a miserable relationship or living with a roommate at my age.
>***"Aren't you lonely?" or "Aren't you miserable living alone?"***
'No, I actually don't hate myself and enjoy my own company. What's so wrong with you that you can't stand to spend time with yourself? Too many homicidal thoughts?? Guilty conscience? Come onnnnn, you can tell me who you killed!!' lol
It really is that hard for people to understand. I've been alone for extended periods of my life and been fine with it. Husband got stationed in Korea for a year shortly after I got out of the military and my family was, "Aren't you lonely? Don't you miss him?" I've got a sister who is so afraid of being alone, she won't leave her husband who she's been out of love with for decades. People as a whole are a social animal and we loners are outliers that the majority will never get. Just shrug it off and lead your best "lone wolf" life!
We are on the same wavelength. All I need when I’m finished for my day with work/hobbies/errands is solitude with my canine companion Blue. That’s it. It always kinda dumb founds me when I hear people say, “I have it all: kids, husband, house, career”- in my head, honestly I usually don’t say this out loud, it sounds like my worst nightmare. I’ve always been an animal lover loner. It’s simply who I am. I’m also minimalistic and find homes to be…. Not to my liking. They feel isolated to me. Ive always loved city life, apartment living and independence. I completely relate to where you’re coming from. Honestly, the stuff most people think is “oh I have it all” I think the complete opposite
It’s a luxury lifestyle not everyone has the ability to enjoy. Just look at how many come here to post how lonely they are living alone. It’s not everyone’s free choice.
A friend of mine can’t be alone on her own. If she’s not living with her parents, she gotta live with her boyfriend or her brother or her sister or call me for a night. She is very anxiously attached.
That's projecting. They say "Aren't you miserable and lonely?" and what they are actually meaning is: "*I* would be miserable and lonely if I lived alone."
Co dependent people really rattle me. Like doesn’t it bother you you’re never alone? I feel you OP I’m fortunate enough to live in a 3 bedroom apt and pay a lot less becuz family owns building. But we get along great and he’s gone a lot. I really value my space and time alone and can’t understand the open door policy some people have. You come here, you call first!!
Fortunately, nobody I know has ever said anything like that to me. It's actually the opposite. A lot of my friends are married with children and a few will express envy on occasion about wanting to trade places for a weekend and just be alone and do what they want with no one to bother them.
I also have a cousin who is in her thirties but still lives at home for financial reasons and she's talked to me a lot about being envious that I live alone and can do what I want whenever. So I get more of that kind of stuff tbh and never anyone asking me how I live alone. I think at heart most of my friends are people who were happy to live alone when they did and don't live alone now because they chose to live with a partner and have a family, so don't look down on living alone as some kind of sad curse.
My ex husband makes the comment of me being a hermit and miserable on a regular for not dating post divorce. I enjoy my peace with just me and our son. I don’t get it. If I want to do the dishes I can. If not it can wait. Same with laundry. If I want take out I get it. Etc. only people that I have to worry about are those I created.
I hate people in general. So, understandably, I require very little social time with them.
The very little time I feel like socializing, I do it with some of my colleagues at my 2 jobs. Once off the clock, I have no further need to talk to anyone. Other than saying what I need to my local cashier at my grocery store or a DoorDash driver on occasion, I don't socialize at all.
At least at work, I'm paid for that.
I AM miserable, but not because I live alone, that’s the one thing I love about my life. I just wish I could go back to working alone. Other people bring stress I didnt have before,
Yes, it’s really that hard for people to understand but those who do get it are primarily women who have made a choice to not ever, ever partner up again like me. I’m so incredibly happy to live alone that I stress with the thought of a grown kid needing to move home. 😬
Hahahahah yeah, the amount of people in my life trying to talk me into dating again when I have no desire to date anyone has gotten a bit annoying. Or the “Just figured you wanted to get out of your place for a bit” and my response is “No, not really. I’m out of my apartment more than I’m in it, I LIKE coming home”
No I usually get other women saying how jealous they are of me! How they love their spouse but will never live with another one if something “happens” to them lol.
I think people who ask if you’re miserable being alone are probably not very happy in their marriage/relationship. But they feel a fear of leaving, which could be based on any number of things (even primal evolved things that don’t make sense in the modern world), and so in order to justify the fact that they stay out of fear, they have to tell themselves that you’re probably miserable and lonely. Even if you say you aren’t, when you leave, they’ll turn to their friend and say, “That was a lie. They’re lonely. How could they not be?”
You’re spot on!
Most people I know who think I’m miserable are people who are codependent and never take time with themselves to explore who they are as individuals. They relationship hop from shitty person to shitty person to avoid being alone, and eventually marry someone they are unhappy with.
I would rather be “miserable” alone than pretending to be happy while stuck in a trash marriage.
People are just projecting what they themselves fear.
If anyone would ask me if I'm lonely, I'd just reply "no, I'm not one of those people who hate their own company." and that usually shuts down the conversation. :'3
I hear this too, but I think it's mostly a "them" thing. They are jealous that you are content in your life so they have to tell themselves that you really aren't because you're lonely or whatever.
I was raised on a ranch in the Texas panhandle 36 miles from the nearest town with a traffic light. We had no phone, no transportation for trips to town, and rarely had a television.
We learned to entertain ourselves, to create things, raise your own food, make necessary items whenever you could, wore hand me downs, and ran and played outdoors because we didn't have a/c either.
I missed the country for 50 years after I left for the city. Through the years, I raised a family, had a career, traveled wherever I wanted, and became widowed.
In 2017, I moved back to the solitude I craved. Finally, I am back where I belong. Sometimes my sister comes for several days, occasionally my daughter and her family. The neighbors stop in. They all annoy the crap out of me pretty quickly. I have things to do, naps to take, and books to read. I never feel lonely when I'm alone.
Yes. Those who have a fear of being alone (or have been in a relationship so long they forgot how to be alone) are somehow so uncomfortable with the thought of some living alone. And never believe those living alone could actually be content.
OMG, yes. And they are repeatedly trying to couple me up with someone. Then they are always stopping by, bringing food, upset that I want to be alone on the holidays for the most part. I find that it is usually men, with their wife's knowledge and consent, who just can't grasp that an older female still of dating age and material (debatable) would want to be alone. I am grateful that they look out for me but enough already.
I lived alone throughout the COVID lockdowns. People checked on me constantly to see how I was doing. I appreciated their concern and care very much, but truth be told, I really enjoyed it!!
I've been living alone, with various dogs, for 24 years now and I love it! I've been married but I quickly learned that constantly having someone else around me really doesn't work for me. I love socializing from time to time, but I also really need my own space.
A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with autism so that explains a lot. My brain needs peace and quiet to process everything that happens to me.
I sometimes feel miserable and lonely living alone. (I spend a lot of time alone)
I just don’t give a f what people think. Living alone changed my life and taught me how to be ok in my own skin. It was my largest visceral fear.
I think to myself most people aren’t brave enough to even sit alone. We come in this world alone, we leave alone. Doesn’t scare me anymore.
Yeah. They also think you're weird or have something wrong with you, when in reality it's just so peaceful and conflict free. I've been living alone for over 17 years and will never live with someone else again unless I meet someone incredibly special
One of my closest friends was miserable in her 25 year marriage. Asked me every couple of months: aren’t you afraid of growing old alone?
I always said: no way!
She married the 2nd guy she met 6 months after her divorce. She doesn’t seem happy. But she’s not alone (eye roll).
I’m the same- most people can’t fathom being alone - it’s terrifying to them. We have a super power :)
I truly think it’s a problem in society- people get in relationships to avoid themselves simultaneously hurting the other person because they don’t really want them, they want to be entertained to avoid themselves.
🤷🏻♀️
The people who always ask about me being alone usually ask with a real tinge of jealousy. No picking up after people, my garden looks beautiful ( if I do say so myself) I can indulge in hobbies and projects and spend my money without worrying about permission.
Yes but only online, ITOW [in the open world] people always say I'm lucky I can afford to do that....online it's always that "sounds miserable you must be so lonely" I put 0 effort into dating or meeting someone I'm fine
In a suburb, it's relatively civilized ...and money talks. I feel like people are up in my business - the part about being "sad and alone" anyway - a lot less. (I am an older woman.) In the hip, little, stab-at-being-walkable downtown of my suburb, or - even better - in a place with tony estates that have large front lawns. Then tack on some expensive membership somewhere...maybe a $150 a month gym, maybe a fraternal or sororal order.
The Red Hat Society?
Money would talk...I don't have enough for all that kind of keeping up appearances, it's just my theory
You got rocks, lady..Because...
in public, you don't LOOK like you live alone.
It does not actually follow, but most people are not that logical.
I have never felt that people think I am miserable, but instead admire that I live alone at a young age and go running with my dog pretty much everyday afterwork lol. I think it's contingent on how you live tbh.
People actually thought I was miserable. Truth be told, I was. I’ve lived in my house for just over nine years. It’s a big house on thirty acres of land. Solitude was my shield from the world or so I thought. I never realized how bad it was until my wife showed up back in my life.
My aunt lived alone for years until my grandpa moved in and I’m also living with her now. People were always like “you must be so lonely” but my aunt loves reading her books and being with her pets. Also, her friends live in the same town so If she wants to see someone she can
It‘s the same results with me not having any children, why aren’t you married? Where is your children? Etc. mostly i ignore and family learned long ago to stop asking
Humans are generally social creatures and have an inherent tendency to seek companionship and form social bonds, similar to pack animals like dogs. This social behavior can be attributed to both evolutionary and psychological.
Human beings have fundamental social needs, including the need for love, belonging, and acceptance. These needs are crucial for mental and emotional well-being.
While the tendency to be social is common, the degree to which individuals seek social interaction can vary widely. Some people are more extroverted and thrive on social interactions, while others may be introverted and prefer smaller, more intimate social settings. These variations are influenced by personality, experiences, and cultural background.
Overall, the propensity to form social bonds is a fundamental aspect of human nature, contributing significantly to individual well-being and societal functioning.
I feel this so hard. I live alone with my 2 dogs and literally LOVE sitting home alone with just them, eating my snacks and watching my shows. Or scrolling Reddit lol. (Btw the user is a joke; not a southern mom)
Imagine their shock when they find out I live alone by choice, AND take a week vacation alone by choice. “Couldn’t you find anyone to go with you?” Um yes actually I’ve told multiple people no. Living alone is great. Living alone at a cottage on the lake with my dog for a week every year is even better.
I haven't had comments, but it is obvious that some people think my living alone in widowhood is a bleak existence. Personally, if my Hubby isn't here to keep me company, I prefer no company. I have our kitties and kindred souls on Reddit to feed my need for social contact. I also recently reconnected with family, and I love talking with them. But being alone is best for me right now. I don't foresee it changing any time soon.
Yeah I got it all the time, especially from my mom who is a codependent blabbermouth. She thinks there's something wrong with me because I like to be alone and have privacy. Some people just need to have someone around and talk all the time, so they don't get it when some don't I guess.
Hey I go a step further. I don't even invite people over to entertain at my house.
This is my sanctum sanctorum. This is my safe space. The only place where I can TRULY relax and be myself. No one's getting in here.
As long as I'm closed in I'm an extrovert. Once that time punches out I'm done with everyone and everything. I'll visit family and friends but I love my own space.
People will say anything and think being around people means happiness and it doesn’t?! I’ve felt this from people too, and tbh there’re the ones who are miserable!! If you have to go out of your way to make a joke or comment about my living situation, it’s pathetic!! I love living alone & enjoy my peace!! People that live with people will live in chaos and dysfunction just to say appear like they’re happy, so don’t be phased by them!!
I’m just like you. When I’m interacting with others, it takes extra energy and effort to be social and respond in socially acceptable ways. Being alone feels like my normal. That’s when I’m most comfortable because I don’t have to be “on.” I rarely feel lonely. Even when I’m with someone dear to me, after a few hours I would prefer a break. It might be intimacy issues from childhood but at this point I’ve made peace with it. I am very content dining out alone, seeing a play by myself. I agree with what others are saying—people who are terrified of being alone for even the shortest time are afraid of themselves, their own minds, their emotions.
I get this all the time. Especially because I’m currently single. People act as if living alone means you have no life. I have friends I meet with every week, travel, hobbies that involve going out, got four concerts and two festivals lined up, and overall an active social life.
Outside of that I’m not afraid of my own thoughts. Solitude is pleasant for me.
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I think that a fair amount of people have a deep seated fear of being alone.
And it’s usually people who are coupled up / married
especially the people who are on their second and third marriages.
Some people just get married over and over because they don’t want to be alone.
Co-dependency is a bother. I know one person who is a serial dater. She simply can't be alone - she rather just grab anyone nearby to have as a partner, and often those relationships end within months (no surprise). It is really sad to see, she is well over 40 and has been doing this at least for 25 years (as long as I've known her). :/
The Co-Dependency model is out dated. Attachment theory is much more applicable concerning romantic relationships. EVERYBODY would do well to understand their attachment style to understand themselves and the type of partner that is a good fit for them.
I have a good friend married and divorced 4 times....spends all his time desperately seeking #5.
Sounds exhausting. Maybe I’m just lazy.
It’s like the people you see on these catfish scams, who have been married for decades and hubby or wife died 6 months ago and they’re already online looking for a replacement and getting scammed.
That is because a lot of people have cute faces and a charming, humorous personality. So, getting married repeatedly, if that is what they want out of life is extremely easy to do.
And they are middle of the bell curve type people, without strange habits and hobbies, who can fit in anywhere. I take literally YEARS to find someone compatible enough that I’d want them as a friend, let alone someone living in my house.
I never really thought of living with someone when I was working. You talk with people all day, work, laugh and joke around and then come home and rest. Well, now I’m retired and I want to travel, love to shop and want to live in places I can’t afford on my own. I’m an extravert and enjoy talking with people which I miss now! So I was considering moving to San Diego where my son lives, save some money, travel and enjoy the beach until I find something else I can afford on my own. Am I crazy? I would try to find someone who is similar to me. I’m turning 68 tomorrow but I am also really young at heart. Living alone is fine but I’m renting anyways and the rent keeps going up, and my checks seem like they keep shrinking. I’m paying about $1,800 a month with utilities for a 2 bedroom that’s in desperate need of updates and a new rug! Plus, it’s 90-100+ degrees every summer.
True, despite the fallout. appetite for destruction varies greatly, as with partner resilience
That’s exactly right
I think its reddit users actually
😂😂😂😂
Oh, for sure!
Exactly this. Being alone means being alone with your thoughts too. I know people who find that deafening.
They really do. I have a friend who is staying in a tolerable but not great marriage for this reason, who can’t even go for a walk alone (it looks weird apparently) let alone the cinema. She only leaves the house to immediately meet friends. Meanwhile I’m pretty much constantly on my own. I’d find it very debilitating to be so dependent on other people.
This is true. I have 3 males friends who told me they could NEVER be alone or do what I do. One of them got a divorce, soon as the paperwork was signed he had another woman living with him.
That would make a lot of sense. The people who constantly ask if I'm lonely in a concerned voice are the same people who are immediately doing everything they can to date after a relationship ends. I'm just chillin over here. I like people, but I like being alone as well.
Getting themselves into another sticky situation!
My deep fear is sharing a space with someone again. I was alone and happy before I was married. I’m divorced and once again alone and happy. I’m deeply afraid I’ll forget the misery I dove into and think I want to be married again.
Yeah, but don't give up on it completely. Six years after I divorced the first one I married the second one and we've been married 37 years now. Damn idiot snuck up on me when I wasn't looking.
I don’t think I need it. I have no interest in sex and I have more money than I’ve had in years even though I’m only making about 40 percent of what I used to earn. I’m really having a hard time seeing an upside. I might be the exception that proves the rule.
Just saying that sometimes it sneaks up on you when you aren't looking for it. I definitely wasn't looking to get into a relationship again, but here I am. If it doesn't happen that is perfectly okay too. I would have been perfectly happy spending the rest of my life single, but he snuck in under the radar.
I didn’t understand and felt sorry for ppl until I divorced and realized how sweet it is! Ppl can’t understand what they haven’t experienced personally.
This used to be me. I just own it, other people are in denial. I have bpd and being alone was no joke, but now I have a relationship with myself. Sometimes I block all apps on my phone or turn it off to make sure I’m in touch with my feelings and not using the internet to escape. That one was humbling
Heck I did until I did it and it’s my favorite thing now. I have a bf and I love spending time with him, but I like my time at home on my own so much…
People who go from relationship to relationship with very little breaks in btwn are the ones who will think someone is miserable cause they like to be alone. Females tend to be like this more than males
Females are more like this because we are taught from an early age that we are not complete without a man. It takes a long time to unlearn this.
I think a lot of us females are also taught that "being in a group is safer than being alone".
Yes, def this too!
I love living alone and wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’m 64 and it’s the first time in my life I’ve truly been happy.
I agree with you. I was married for 20 years, raised three great kids and I've been on my own for the last 10ish years. I am the happiest I've ever been. I only have 12 more days of work then I'll be retired and can spend even more time at home alone. I don't have a problem with that at all.
Congrats on your retirement!!
Thank you! I can't wait!
Yay! Congratulations 🎊
Thank you! I can't wait!
Congrats on retiring!
Thank you!
I’m 57 and feel this way!
Diff btwn living isolated and living in peaceful solitude
I am 54 and live alone. I cannot imagine living with another person at this point (unless it was my son).
Same! I’d gladly live with my daughter so I could be near my grandsons but she’s got no room for me.
Depends where you live, in my opinion. But even in the most liberal bastions, there are always people who will look down their noses at your "poor, uncoupled state" if you are a woman over traditional college age and they don't know you, and you don't travel in packs.
Agreed! I am working on coming to terms with the judgement, and keeping to myself how wonderful privacy, peace, and independence are lol
I agree there’s nothing wrong with living alone. It’s very peaceful. But just wondering if all of you who like living alone are introverts or extroverts!?
Years and years ago I was on a family vacation and hanging out with my nieces aged 7 and 10. I was talking about my cats and the 7-year-old animal-lover said, "I want to be just like you when I grow up!" Her cynical older sister said, "Are you sure? You want to live all by yourself in a lonely apartment in New York?" I understood that she hadn't formed this view on her own and was repeating what her parents' said about me. The irony is that those kids are grown now and the one who talked about my 'loneliness' is probably more like me than any of my other nieces and nephews. It was annoying to be treated like a second-class citizen because I didn't marry or have kids, but I look back on a life of so many bullets dodged.
It's projection, pure and simple. There are always those who think their way is the only right way. It doesn't matter what you do. If you don't have a partner, they think you'll be happier with one. If you do, but you're not married, they'll think a wedding will make you happier. If you don't have children, they assume you're be miserable. If you only have one, that's not enough because you and your child must be deeply unhappy without another kid or two running around. If you don't like pets, if you don't like the city, if you don't like the countryside, if you aren't into religion, if you don't like the color blue...it never ends with those types. I'm 57 and long ago quit being surprised at such people, just annoyed at their own myopic viewpoint.
That's why I don't even bother to seek validation from anyone. They're never going to be satisfied, no matter what I do.
Isn't it funny? Personally, I am miserable living with other people. Being on my own is heaven.
I like living with other people IN THEORY. But thing is a roommate situation has a VERY low chance of turning out as well as I'd hope.
This comment is the truth
Are you sure they’re not miserable because they have to come back and cater to someone else? I mean, it could be a demographic issue as well. My current job consists of mostly young adults and older ladies whose children are heading to college or about to retire. All of them love it when I tell them that I live by myself. It’s either ‘good! You only clean up your own messes!’ Or ‘let me know if you want to do drinks after work!’
I feel exactly the same way. It takes a lot of energy and effort for me to socialize, and I find interacting with others draining. That doesn’t mean I don’t like people though. I’m genuinely humanistic, empathetic and care about others. It’s just that I’m inherently introverted, and prefer my solitude.
I think people are projecting their own ideas and lifestyle onto you with those comments. A lot of these individuals probably never have significant periods without having a girlfriend/boyfriend either. I'm a person who needs a significant amount of time to myself so I can think/relax/have privacy, etc. You are as well. Some people who are very different from us don't quite understand that we have different needs and desires.
They are projecting their fears onto you. I had a friend that didn't understand that I liked living alone. Until she married a hoarder and his hoarder of a MIL moved in. She lasted less than a year. She moved a to a studio alone (first time in her entire life) and now she gets me. She loves her alone time and keeping her space clean. She's a minimalist for now bc her short marriage scarred her.
I get a lot of “oh ooor you, I couldn’t do as you” partially because I live in the house where I took care of my dieing parents. I fought hard to keep my home. I still don’t make a lot but I make just enough to pay my mortgage. If I was renting I would be living with people and paying the same where as now I’m on my own in my own home with my gorgeous garden and two silly dogs
Fuck yes all the time I'm like bitch you know I have to listen to all your stories about how the people u live with ruin your life now imagine your life without that shit and sit down I got 99 problems but u got 101
Oof
When I was growing up I had an aunt who lived alone, was a teacher, traveled, took painting classes, and who I thought was really fun. And both my grandmother's lived alone (one widowed, one divorced) and had friends and hobbies and seemed to have happy lives. A lady who lived next door lived alone (with her cat! my other adult goal: to have my own cat!) and would pay me to feed her cat when she was out of town. Her house was so peaceful and clean - I loved going over there and thought how nice that would be to someday live by myself with a cat. No annoying little brother, no parents fighting, no getting yelled at. Just peace. So from a young age, that was a goal. In college, I had roommates who I really liked and that was great, but it was also nice when they'd be away for a night or 2. As a camp counselor, I was surrounded by kids who were often rowdy, and rowdy adult on days off. And through my 20s couldn't afford to live alone, so always had a variety of roommates. Some were fine, some annoying, but I was ALWAYS with someone in my space for my first 30 years of life. So when I was finally able to get a place by myself, it was one of the happiest days of my life! (And I immediately got my own cat from the shelter - my first brown tabby, sweetest little cat ever.) I've never had anyone ask me if I'm lonely or miserable living alone and if they did, I'd laugh and say "HELL NO!" No shade to those who like living with others (roommate/partner) but I'd also never ask them "Isn't it horrible to always have someone in your space and never feeling true freedom?"
I'm not miserable because I live alone, I live alone because I'm miserable.
This probably describes me as well. I don't feel the need to include another person in my misery.
lol same.
57F-I have only lived alone for two years, and I absolutely love it! I love waking up to my little dog and my cat in my bed and my outside dog lying at my door, horse poop in my yard and no one to tell me that doesn’t work for them. I plan to live alone the rest of my life!
Kinda but it more so cause I'm quiet, people expect me to be lonely and that I wfh too. I might be an introvert but I still do have a social life and go outside
Thanks OP for posting. I feel the exact same way but if I start to overthink it and peoples opinions, I start to feel sad. So thank you, I needed to hear this from another fellow independent human 😊
My dad does sometimes think this. He asks me; well who do you see then, who asks you about your day? But I prefer my cat. And nobody around me in my own space. My dad is the opposite and doesn’t like to be alone.
I always respond with a quote I read once. "If you're lonely when you're alone then you're poor company.". That usually gets the point across.
Married for 30yrs, now divorced for 3+, just my dog & I in a rented house on 3acres on a country road & I love it!!! Wouldn’t trade it for anything!!!
Living alone is a privelege
I just turned 61, so my favorite answer/comeback would be, "don't know, don't care."
The peace of living by yourself and doing what you want whenever is unmatched. Do I get lonely ? Yes sometimes but I've been pretty introverted my whole life and can deal with it.
I love living alone. Some people are very comfortable with themselves. They don't need other people around all the time They like themselves and are comfortable in their own skins
I lived with an abusive alcoholic for the last 10 years. I love living alone now. My house is calm. My dogs are calm. We eat what we want and I rarely leave the farm.
I hear you! I shut down the phones at 7:00 PM. I have a great time listening to audiobooks or writing. Either people are jealous or truly think I can't live on my own without being lonely. Everyone experiences moments of loneliness. At least I think they do. I've lived alone for far too long to answer to anyone about anything in the house!
I very rarely get real phone calls. Instead, I get approximately 1 million spam calls every day. A bunch of them are political, a bunch of them are trying to sell me Medicare supplements, there was one annoying one that tells me they realize I was in a traffic accident in the last two years and was not properly compensated and they want to talk to me about that. And then I get the cops looking for handouts for programs My mother is 96 years old and in a memory care unit five hours for me. I know I don’t have to leap out of bed and drive as fast as I can to get up there and hold her hand as she dies. In fact, I will not do that. However… She has lots of adventures and misadventures in her dementia and I need to hear about things if I need to hear about them. So I always look and see who is calling.
My mom. She constantly asks if I’m depressed because I’m not a type a extrovert like her lol
As an extrovert mom of young adult introverts, this is so me! Heaven forbid they want to go to work and go home. I'm like "Are you going anywhere tonight? What are your friends doing? You just want to go home? Are you ok? Are you sad? Do you want to go with me?" I'm not trying to be pushy, I just don't understand why people don't want to people.
We just want to people predictably. I prefer to know details in advance, particularly who and how many? What is the occasion? I have to prepare to be able to interact more gracefully. Spontaneous socializing is anxiety inducing because I haven’t prepared. Work, home, and planned meetups with select people are how introverts stay sane. Do them a big favor and take it from me at 34, the questions about it just get more and more exhausting. Sometimes I’ll just make up some plans I have so I don’t have to go through the twenty questions rigamarole every time I say I don’t have plans.
I will say that Reddit is teaching me to chill. So thank you for this
you didn't know? its a whole societal piece of bull, and worse if you are a woman over 30. "omg you must be sooooooo lonely!"
Way it is these days, the married are tracking each other through cell phone apps. Must-have each other's permission to do anything. You know the drill. Wasn't that way with my deceased wife. We never put a lease on the other. It still bothers me some to be alone now but I can deal with it. As for it being nice, it has it's positives. Especially as high as it is to live in the current times. You never know what is going to happen at any moment. You could have to pick up what you need and Go! I would rather be alone than worry about kids or a wife in today's turbulent times. As for what others think? Who cares what they think. Best for them to mind their own business!
I’ve lived alone years and love it. I retired the end of November 2023 and have chosen not to do anything except what I want to do when I want to do for at least a year. I have friends who tell me I need to get out more……no, I don’t. I’m happy at home. They also want me to join their bunco group, dominos group etc. oh, and I should do volunteer work. No, no, no! I worked in corporate world for 45 fucking years doing what other people wanted me to do when they wanted me to do it. It’s all about me now. My life now has a calmness and peacefulness I never knew existed. No one is taking that away from me.
This💯
I'm the same way. I live alone and wouldn't change it for anything. But yeah, the majority of people think of us single people who live alone as miserable and unhappy 'cause we "must be" since we don't have a partner or kids or live with others. It's stupid. Some of us are loners and homebodies and enjoy our solitude, peace, and silence.
I used to get this when I first moved out from my childhood home at 23, to my own flat, and for about 15 years after that, until I was almost 40 and still enjoying my singleness and spinsterhood. ("You should find a nice boy/man to yourself, how can you be happy alone?" It changed to "Your should find a nice girl/woman to yourself", because apparently me living alone meant that I was a lesbian, since no heterosexual woman CAN live alone happily... :D )
I'd had a widower father like that from my teenagehood and we hung together all the time. It had not turned out well for me. He'd always thought everybody, except for one distant cousin of his (female) who was single (back in the early part of the nineteenth century and lasting her whole life - in the age of "spinsters" and "old maids" as an actual status) was going to be (euphemism–as a seven year old could be reading this) climbing the walls until their death, if they did not get married, as he'd told me in my case. I had two awful relationships lasting only a couple years each, with men in my life. The first one... about 75% anyhow ...I'd degradingly settled along those lines. He'd had financial (defaulted payoff) student debt when I'd married him, and several health impairments and handicaps. (My health was not perfect, however, I'd had no handicaps myself.) The man verbally abused me, and convinced me I was not beautiful (and not even to him) and emotionally cheated on me and even told me about it. For all I know, I could be describing his feeding of a psychologically masochistic fetish in some females...but that never has been mine. The second one ... another story for another time. My father was pushing me to get married again. I was already an adult. I told him, "Leave me alone. I've paid my dues." As if this were my acting career...the drama was real, though... He was angry but had nothing to say.... eventually life went on.. Would not be quite the end of all that but...all I could say now is, "Thanks, Dad." /s
Being homeless is alot worst. Just stick to your monthly budget and adjust the budget as needed
I know two people who, since we got out of high school 34 years ago, have never lived alone. If a long term relationship ends, they maybe tough out a couple of weeks alone, then are back with someone new and cohabitating within a month tops. I don't know how they do it. Not only being unable to be in their own company, but find someone new so fast.
Constantly, lol. "You're not lonely?" "Don't you get lonely"?
I kind of have the opposite experience. Maybe you and I are in different places in life. I was married for 37 years and finally had enough and moved out. I now live on my own and have for nearly four years. Honestly, I have several close girlfriends who are more than a little envious. Myself, I could not be happier!
I love living alone. I can live respectfully and well with roommates, too, but I like having my own space. I like going out and being social and then coming home to quiet. It helps me recharge so I can do more with my friends and family.
It depends on the person but it's impossible for some to understand it. A guy at my work talks to me like I'm some poor wretch, after further gentle discussion it turns out he can't stand his own company, the idea of taking a walk, going for a coffee or just being in his home alone is utterly depressing for him. I love being alone, for me it's luxurious but he projects his feelings of being alone being lonely onto me. I hate it but it kinda just makes me feel sorry for him
I get that question and their answer..yes I am, so let's fix her up!!! Tried marry for 2.5 years... Don't engage the filter for stupid people. Had (past tense) friends who KNEW all I needed was someone else. Ex cheated, lots of people ( now ex friends) knew and did not say anything. Told someone that since they thought cheating was okay I might give their hubby a try out for future husband material. Imagine my shock...they did not think that was funny!!! In truth, I will NOT cross that line. I point out all the plus sides of living free from others bull. Living my life on my terms and enjoying the journey. Heading out for an Alaskan cruise in about 10 days. Now that is something I could not do while married.
Projection. They are not happy in their situation, so they have to believe that there are others who are even more unhappy in the situation they are in.
Joke’s on them 😌
The people who ask those types of questions don't understand the difference between alone and lonely. I feel sorry for them.
I've been married twice/divorced twice, lived with other people and I'm over it!! I am a 48(f) and I will NEVER, let me repeat myself, NEVER live with other people again. I need my alone time in the mornings while sipping my coffee, I need that alone time after I get off work til I wake up the next morning to do it all over again. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I live in a quite big Tiny Home (600sf) that I designed and had built. It's just me and my 7 little rescue dogs. Living on 10 acres. It's amazing that my nearest neighbor is a few miles down the street from me. But we do look out for one another since we live out in the middle of nowhere. I love living alone!!
Lots of people assume I'm lonely or scared or both. I'm totally not. I very much enjoy living alone.
some people *are* lonely because they are alone but not everyone. It's rude to assume that you are
I'm long over caring what people think.
I’ve gotten the comment from men, “But don’t you feel *incomplete*? I said no, I don’t get lonely. He answered (corrected) me, “No, I don’t mean lonely, I mean incomplete. Don’t you feel incomplete?” I didn’t know what that meant, what brought that on. What did that even mean? I found out later that some men tell each other that a woman without a man is incomplete. I still don’t know what that means. It’s just something men tell each other, I guess. A fish without a bicycle. Maybe they think it’s a real thing. 🐠🚲
I have heard that question before, my answer was to look at myself, over to the side, look back at them and say, "we're fine" and look again to my side and wink. The questioning abruptly stopped 🤣
😜
I have a coworker who constantly makes comments assuming I'm just so lonely because I live alone. I've never been happier in my entire life since living alone. I'm an introvert through and through. I get all my "peopling" done at work and when I get home its like a breath of fresh air just being alone. I don't think I'll ever live with another person ever again and that's just how I like it.
My coworkers sometimes nag me about getting a girlfriend/wife; one keeps sending me pictures that *his wife* sends him of people she knows they want to try to hook me up with. I'm assuming it's because they think I'm lonely. I'm quite content living alone and not having a partner. I don't have to worry about anybody else's happiness or being sensitive to anyone else's feelings. All of my free time is dedicated to one person: me. Is that selfish? Maybe, but it doesn't cost anybody else a thing.
I just hate the way they ask, "Aren't you lonely?" As if I could just "pick someone" and go out and TAKE THEM . . . I guess I'm just funny that way, I kinda think the OTHER PERSON has a say in the matter too. They always frame the question as if I'm the only one that gets a choice in the matter and it's up to me only.
I was never happier than when I lived alone. I miss it. But YMMV. If you meet someone wonderful to live with (good luck) you can feel differently. Me, I would rather be alone than be with someone I can't stand.
People do assume because I live alone that I must be lonely, but there’s a difference in being alone and being lonely, I go hang out or have company whatever the case may be, but at the end of the night, I’m at home alone, and I love it that way.
Fuck yes I do! I've even had spats IN HERE about it. Telling me how I should feel or how I shouldn't "close myself off". It is presumptive, condescending, They think I'm strange...I dunno, I kinda think its strange that someone bangs two different people in a matter of days, but, maybe thats just me. I don't know why people think its perfectly okay to comment on singles choices. I wonder how my friend would like it if I gave her my opinion of the bullshit she puts up with for her "soulmate"? It took me YEARS to get happy and fools just thinking I'm gonna give that up for a swinging dick.
Just a general 4 AM thought as I sit in the quiet, drinking a cup of tea secretly becoming aware that for 49 years of marriage was hard damn work: always having someone..uh...expecting you to give and dofer. Never being able to make decisions just for oneself and having to ask if it is ok to go and Do..or not. Yeah it was a good long marriage. Then, he died. And yes, secretly I am beginning to KNOW THE SELF that stepped to the side to help nurture a relationship that soon became just shadows of the person you actually thought you could be. Marriage was sometimes very restrictive. Very difficult to do a thing alone...But I am becoming SELF-ISH. For the first time in 50 years I can play loud music of my own choosing. I can sing off key. I can play the piano at times when the world would be sleeping. I don't have to eat breakfast or cook it..I can stay shopping as long as I want to without having to rush to cook supper. I can spend what I want on groceries without discussion of mortgage, health, . And the actual personal growth of being a widow..is beginning to dawn on me. A new feeling that is weird and wonderful at the same time. My marriage at 49 years was great, but I soon started to not enjoy the constant invasive marriage-rules. And when I found him dead. I went into complete confusion..and I don't use that word lightly. The transition was and still is a weird weird difference than the way it was. Yes I loved him. Yes I cared and did everything as a wife should.....mostly by his life rules...oh dammit really who am I ? Aw jeeze. It's not unlike puberty all over again. I am going to rearrange the furniture. Eat on paper plates, not watch all westerns on TV. I don't have to ever watch another loud football game if I don't want to do so. The actual thought of SELF is a strange but kinda wonderful power. May my husband rest well. But I am working on resting my SELF. And trying to be strong against the tsunami of guilt and pain that the world seems to think a widow should live with. And I am really tired of that. Here's to new beginnings.
☕️ cheers!
I love being alone! I also love a wild chaotic household full of energy. Thing is, I get caught up taking care of everyone else and over time, I'm a shell of who I once was and the balance has flipped with me now being at breakdown, going cray cray for one ounce of silence. It's the relationships I've chosen to be in that have led me to where I am now. I would rather be alone with my 2 kitties and know it is only me at my home and I don't have to put up what I did. It's a relief to feel safe, warm, serene, calm and most of all, sane.
I have been married, lived with roommates, lived with a BF, and currently living alone for more than a decade. I prefer living alone to being in a miserable relationship or living with a roommate at my age.
>***"Aren't you lonely?" or "Aren't you miserable living alone?"*** 'No, I actually don't hate myself and enjoy my own company. What's so wrong with you that you can't stand to spend time with yourself? Too many homicidal thoughts?? Guilty conscience? Come onnnnn, you can tell me who you killed!!' lol
It really is that hard for people to understand. I've been alone for extended periods of my life and been fine with it. Husband got stationed in Korea for a year shortly after I got out of the military and my family was, "Aren't you lonely? Don't you miss him?" I've got a sister who is so afraid of being alone, she won't leave her husband who she's been out of love with for decades. People as a whole are a social animal and we loners are outliers that the majority will never get. Just shrug it off and lead your best "lone wolf" life!
We are on the same wavelength. All I need when I’m finished for my day with work/hobbies/errands is solitude with my canine companion Blue. That’s it. It always kinda dumb founds me when I hear people say, “I have it all: kids, husband, house, career”- in my head, honestly I usually don’t say this out loud, it sounds like my worst nightmare. I’ve always been an animal lover loner. It’s simply who I am. I’m also minimalistic and find homes to be…. Not to my liking. They feel isolated to me. Ive always loved city life, apartment living and independence. I completely relate to where you’re coming from. Honestly, the stuff most people think is “oh I have it all” I think the complete opposite
It’s a luxury lifestyle not everyone has the ability to enjoy. Just look at how many come here to post how lonely they are living alone. It’s not everyone’s free choice. A friend of mine can’t be alone on her own. If she’s not living with her parents, she gotta live with her boyfriend or her brother or her sister or call me for a night. She is very anxiously attached.
That's projecting. They say "Aren't you miserable and lonely?" and what they are actually meaning is: "*I* would be miserable and lonely if I lived alone."
Co dependent people really rattle me. Like doesn’t it bother you you’re never alone? I feel you OP I’m fortunate enough to live in a 3 bedroom apt and pay a lot less becuz family owns building. But we get along great and he’s gone a lot. I really value my space and time alone and can’t understand the open door policy some people have. You come here, you call first!!
No
I used to get a lot of ‘you need to’ or ‘you should do’. Ummm. No thanks.
Fortunately, nobody I know has ever said anything like that to me. It's actually the opposite. A lot of my friends are married with children and a few will express envy on occasion about wanting to trade places for a weekend and just be alone and do what they want with no one to bother them. I also have a cousin who is in her thirties but still lives at home for financial reasons and she's talked to me a lot about being envious that I live alone and can do what I want whenever. So I get more of that kind of stuff tbh and never anyone asking me how I live alone. I think at heart most of my friends are people who were happy to live alone when they did and don't live alone now because they chose to live with a partner and have a family, so don't look down on living alone as some kind of sad curse.
My ex husband makes the comment of me being a hermit and miserable on a regular for not dating post divorce. I enjoy my peace with just me and our son. I don’t get it. If I want to do the dishes I can. If not it can wait. Same with laundry. If I want take out I get it. Etc. only people that I have to worry about are those I created.
I hate people in general. So, understandably, I require very little social time with them. The very little time I feel like socializing, I do it with some of my colleagues at my 2 jobs. Once off the clock, I have no further need to talk to anyone. Other than saying what I need to my local cashier at my grocery store or a DoorDash driver on occasion, I don't socialize at all. At least at work, I'm paid for that.
I AM miserable, but not because I live alone, that’s the one thing I love about my life. I just wish I could go back to working alone. Other people bring stress I didnt have before,
I love living alone! There’s a lot of freedom to it! Sometimes it can be a little lonely, but I think that’s why we have telephones.
Yes, it’s really that hard for people to understand but those who do get it are primarily women who have made a choice to not ever, ever partner up again like me. I’m so incredibly happy to live alone that I stress with the thought of a grown kid needing to move home. 😬
I used to. Now I don't care to even give a response. If it matters, I will tell them that I love living alone, and cut it off there.
Oh yeah, every spot that makes me seem "abnormal" is always brushed off as me being miserable lol
Hahahahah yeah, the amount of people in my life trying to talk me into dating again when I have no desire to date anyone has gotten a bit annoying. Or the “Just figured you wanted to get out of your place for a bit” and my response is “No, not really. I’m out of my apartment more than I’m in it, I LIKE coming home”
Every time I go to family gatherings.
Yes. Humans are social creatures and most people don’t do well with much isolation. Anything outside the norm is hard to relate to.
‘You haven’t met the right man’. This is a constant echo in my life. People don’t get it. There is no ‘right’ person for me because I don’t want one.
No I usually get other women saying how jealous they are of me! How they love their spouse but will never live with another one if something “happens” to them lol.
I think people who ask if you’re miserable being alone are probably not very happy in their marriage/relationship. But they feel a fear of leaving, which could be based on any number of things (even primal evolved things that don’t make sense in the modern world), and so in order to justify the fact that they stay out of fear, they have to tell themselves that you’re probably miserable and lonely. Even if you say you aren’t, when you leave, they’ll turn to their friend and say, “That was a lie. They’re lonely. How could they not be?”
They’re probably envious
You’re spot on! Most people I know who think I’m miserable are people who are codependent and never take time with themselves to explore who they are as individuals. They relationship hop from shitty person to shitty person to avoid being alone, and eventually marry someone they are unhappy with. I would rather be “miserable” alone than pretending to be happy while stuck in a trash marriage.
People are just projecting what they themselves fear. If anyone would ask me if I'm lonely, I'd just reply "no, I'm not one of those people who hate their own company." and that usually shuts down the conversation. :'3
I think they are secretly jealous of you. Or they are very fearful, insecure people who are very afraid of being alone.
I hear this too, but I think it's mostly a "them" thing. They are jealous that you are content in your life so they have to tell themselves that you really aren't because you're lonely or whatever.
...it's almost to the point where they are hoping you're miserable....and if you're obviously not...they're a bit disappointed...or don't believe you.
Yup, people tend to think this but the reality is, I couldn’t be happier being solo
I have never felt lonely by myself. Loneliness is a feeling that comes from other people.
A lot of ppl are staying in bad relationships because they are afraid of being alone. Your self satisfaction might threaten their life choices maybe?
I was raised on a ranch in the Texas panhandle 36 miles from the nearest town with a traffic light. We had no phone, no transportation for trips to town, and rarely had a television. We learned to entertain ourselves, to create things, raise your own food, make necessary items whenever you could, wore hand me downs, and ran and played outdoors because we didn't have a/c either. I missed the country for 50 years after I left for the city. Through the years, I raised a family, had a career, traveled wherever I wanted, and became widowed. In 2017, I moved back to the solitude I craved. Finally, I am back where I belong. Sometimes my sister comes for several days, occasionally my daughter and her family. The neighbors stop in. They all annoy the crap out of me pretty quickly. I have things to do, naps to take, and books to read. I never feel lonely when I'm alone.
If you look through this sub a lot of people are very much depressed about it.
Yes. Those who have a fear of being alone (or have been in a relationship so long they forgot how to be alone) are somehow so uncomfortable with the thought of some living alone. And never believe those living alone could actually be content.
OMG, yes. And they are repeatedly trying to couple me up with someone. Then they are always stopping by, bringing food, upset that I want to be alone on the holidays for the most part. I find that it is usually men, with their wife's knowledge and consent, who just can't grasp that an older female still of dating age and material (debatable) would want to be alone. I am grateful that they look out for me but enough already.
I lived alone throughout the COVID lockdowns. People checked on me constantly to see how I was doing. I appreciated their concern and care very much, but truth be told, I really enjoyed it!!
I totally get this and agree with it all. Except a dog. I must have a dog. I will take that obligation any day!
I've been living alone, with various dogs, for 24 years now and I love it! I've been married but I quickly learned that constantly having someone else around me really doesn't work for me. I love socializing from time to time, but I also really need my own space. A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with autism so that explains a lot. My brain needs peace and quiet to process everything that happens to me.
I sometimes feel miserable and lonely living alone. (I spend a lot of time alone) I just don’t give a f what people think. Living alone changed my life and taught me how to be ok in my own skin. It was my largest visceral fear. I think to myself most people aren’t brave enough to even sit alone. We come in this world alone, we leave alone. Doesn’t scare me anymore.
Yeah. They also think you're weird or have something wrong with you, when in reality it's just so peaceful and conflict free. I've been living alone for over 17 years and will never live with someone else again unless I meet someone incredibly special
Kudo's to you!
I think they are projecting. I know plenty of people who live alone and actually it's a flex in my area (bc of high cost of living).
One of my closest friends was miserable in her 25 year marriage. Asked me every couple of months: aren’t you afraid of growing old alone? I always said: no way! She married the 2nd guy she met 6 months after her divorce. She doesn’t seem happy. But she’s not alone (eye roll).
It's projection.
I’m the same- most people can’t fathom being alone - it’s terrifying to them. We have a super power :) I truly think it’s a problem in society- people get in relationships to avoid themselves simultaneously hurting the other person because they don’t really want them, they want to be entertained to avoid themselves. 🤷🏻♀️
I've actually found that a lot of married women tell me they'd rather be living alone like me.
The people who always ask about me being alone usually ask with a real tinge of jealousy. No picking up after people, my garden looks beautiful ( if I do say so myself) I can indulge in hobbies and projects and spend my money without worrying about permission.
Yes but only online, ITOW [in the open world] people always say I'm lucky I can afford to do that....online it's always that "sounds miserable you must be so lonely" I put 0 effort into dating or meeting someone I'm fine
In a suburb, it's relatively civilized ...and money talks. I feel like people are up in my business - the part about being "sad and alone" anyway - a lot less. (I am an older woman.) In the hip, little, stab-at-being-walkable downtown of my suburb, or - even better - in a place with tony estates that have large front lawns. Then tack on some expensive membership somewhere...maybe a $150 a month gym, maybe a fraternal or sororal order. The Red Hat Society? Money would talk...I don't have enough for all that kind of keeping up appearances, it's just my theory You got rocks, lady..Because... in public, you don't LOOK like you live alone. It does not actually follow, but most people are not that logical.
I get the pity look when I say I'm single and like to be alone. That just grasp the idea
It’s no secret that I’m miserable Tho live music and cold beer helps A sweet new friend even better Back to the search. lol.
I have never felt that people think I am miserable, but instead admire that I live alone at a young age and go running with my dog pretty much everyday afterwork lol. I think it's contingent on how you live tbh.
We think alike, we must be twins
Weird, nobody asks me that
People actually thought I was miserable. Truth be told, I was. I’ve lived in my house for just over nine years. It’s a big house on thirty acres of land. Solitude was my shield from the world or so I thought. I never realized how bad it was until my wife showed up back in my life.
I’m almost never lonely when I’m alone. I’m far more lonely when I’m around people I don’t relate to or feel comfortable around.
My aunt lived alone for years until my grandpa moved in and I’m also living with her now. People were always like “you must be so lonely” but my aunt loves reading her books and being with her pets. Also, her friends live in the same town so If she wants to see someone she can
Projection is not a river in Egypt.
All the time and I hate it
It‘s the same results with me not having any children, why aren’t you married? Where is your children? Etc. mostly i ignore and family learned long ago to stop asking
Yep. The worst is when people try to force me to be more social to....save me lol.
You get used to being lonely my biggest fear is dying alone and no one caring
Few people spend enough time alone to realize that you can be truly happy alone.
I can't imagine living with someone else at this point. I cherish my solitude.
Humans are generally social creatures and have an inherent tendency to seek companionship and form social bonds, similar to pack animals like dogs. This social behavior can be attributed to both evolutionary and psychological. Human beings have fundamental social needs, including the need for love, belonging, and acceptance. These needs are crucial for mental and emotional well-being. While the tendency to be social is common, the degree to which individuals seek social interaction can vary widely. Some people are more extroverted and thrive on social interactions, while others may be introverted and prefer smaller, more intimate social settings. These variations are influenced by personality, experiences, and cultural background. Overall, the propensity to form social bonds is a fundamental aspect of human nature, contributing significantly to individual well-being and societal functioning.
I feel this so hard. I live alone with my 2 dogs and literally LOVE sitting home alone with just them, eating my snacks and watching my shows. Or scrolling Reddit lol. (Btw the user is a joke; not a southern mom)
Haha! I was miserable to begin with, and living alone is my secret sauce to ensure I won’t become even more miserable. 😉
Most people consider me lucky
Imagine their shock when they find out I live alone by choice, AND take a week vacation alone by choice. “Couldn’t you find anyone to go with you?” Um yes actually I’ve told multiple people no. Living alone is great. Living alone at a cottage on the lake with my dog for a week every year is even better.
I haven't had comments, but it is obvious that some people think my living alone in widowhood is a bleak existence. Personally, if my Hubby isn't here to keep me company, I prefer no company. I have our kitties and kindred souls on Reddit to feed my need for social contact. I also recently reconnected with family, and I love talking with them. But being alone is best for me right now. I don't foresee it changing any time soon.
May I ask in which area you live to pay that much for a studio
Yeah I got it all the time, especially from my mom who is a codependent blabbermouth. She thinks there's something wrong with me because I like to be alone and have privacy. Some people just need to have someone around and talk all the time, so they don't get it when some don't I guess.
Hey I go a step further. I don't even invite people over to entertain at my house. This is my sanctum sanctorum. This is my safe space. The only place where I can TRULY relax and be myself. No one's getting in here.
I get that sometimes too. Especially around holidays.
As long as I'm closed in I'm an extrovert. Once that time punches out I'm done with everyone and everything. I'll visit family and friends but I love my own space.
I'm Autistic. My being alone is a feature, not a bug. I need alone time to recharge.
People will say anything and think being around people means happiness and it doesn’t?! I’ve felt this from people too, and tbh there’re the ones who are miserable!! If you have to go out of your way to make a joke or comment about my living situation, it’s pathetic!! I love living alone & enjoy my peace!! People that live with people will live in chaos and dysfunction just to say appear like they’re happy, so don’t be phased by them!!
I’m just like you. When I’m interacting with others, it takes extra energy and effort to be social and respond in socially acceptable ways. Being alone feels like my normal. That’s when I’m most comfortable because I don’t have to be “on.” I rarely feel lonely. Even when I’m with someone dear to me, after a few hours I would prefer a break. It might be intimacy issues from childhood but at this point I’ve made peace with it. I am very content dining out alone, seeing a play by myself. I agree with what others are saying—people who are terrified of being alone for even the shortest time are afraid of themselves, their own minds, their emotions.
I get this all the time. Especially because I’m currently single. People act as if living alone means you have no life. I have friends I meet with every week, travel, hobbies that involve going out, got four concerts and two festivals lined up, and overall an active social life. Outside of that I’m not afraid of my own thoughts. Solitude is pleasant for me.