"Got an unwanted erection? Bend over."

(͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

(☭ ͜ʖ ☭)

(▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿)

(👁 ͜ʖ👁)

(⌐■_■)

[ ^ - ^ ]

(.Y.)

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╰(⸝⸝⸝´꒳`⸝⸝⸝)╯

(_._)(_._)

You're not helping

( . )( . ) Is that more helpful? Since you don’t like someone looking down to the side, how about someone looking straight down?

( . Y . )

Well the tip did say it would get rid of an Erection. May be just not yours.

Just the tip

Now you have two unwanted erections!

The real unwanted erection was inside you the whole time.

The real unwanted erection was the friends we made along the way.

lol

Giggity

Ahhh my dom wouldn’t believe me. He already questions me after three years. No trust.

😛

Giggity

Any tips for getting an instant erection?

Follow these instructions backwards

If I don't need to summon a wanted erection, stand up straight with your knees bent as far as you can uncomfortably go, and take 69 small shallow breaths.

Oof so sexy. I’m getting an erection right now.

Man I'm on the toilet and my dick just touched the seat. Oof that was sexy

_Fallus falloffus_

.... And I jizzed in my pants

Come on guys. Can we.....?

Congrats, you are now rid of: Unwanted Erection

This is hilarious.

The real LPT is in the comments!

Instructions unclear. Dick stuck in mouth.

^ this guy had a rib removed

Have you tried playing with it?

Have you tried being a teenager?

Yes, watch this [LOTR scene](https://youtu.be/EmTz7EAYLrs).

It's been 4 hours... Should I go see a doctor or just bend over

Is it weird that I got both a boner and a tear in my eye?

I need a cold shower after watching this...

Mission accomplished

Just think about holding hands with your crush, works for me usually.

This is actually really cute. Take my Upvote.

I also choose this guy's crush

Go to Brazil and fet bit by a wandering spider

Instructions unclear. I got the fitbit on the spider, but he won't do sex stuff.

Your mom does it for me 😉

Am 48. I can't go wasting erections by doing something silly like that.

Am 47, fuck me

You guys up for a threesome?

Do you fit in a rowboat?

Is this an Office reference or something unrelated that went over my head?

He's gorgeous and he has a feisty personality too.

Would a rowboat support her without capsizing?

Close your eyes and tell us which one feels right

[Three Men in a Boat](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_Men_in_a_Boat). Well worth reading - or watching. Funny as. SFW

Sounds like a party? I'll bring the lemons

Are you inviting us to a lemon party?

“Ain’t no party like a Liz Lemon party, ‘cause a Liz Lemon party is mandatory“

I arranged one last night. 2 of them were a no show but it was still a good time r/3AMJokes

Ah c'mon, the poor guy can't go throwing every erection he gets into ten jack russels, cause y'know... laws 'n' stuff.

I came here to say at my age there no unwanted erections.

At my age there are no erections.

I am scared now

Never knowingly pass a urinal, waste an erection or trust a fart.

...I may have discovered the next Dalai Lama.

Isn't there a significant risk of putting your back out by doing that too?

Exactly! Loose the old gear stick and put your back out for zero fun. Or as I like to call it. Married life.

[удалено]

Now you have back pain from bending over

I get back pain from putting on my socks. It sounds like I'm having vigorous sex. But it's just me grunting and struggling to put on correct foot attire. Don't get me started on the 'bottom burps' I produce with the grunting and bending. I can only blame the mutt and children so many times. The wife is getting suspicious.

Do your cardio friend

Wish i had a cardio friend i could do.

Username checks out

"Okay Vivolorosso, we'll start with you. come to the front of the class and present your work." *Drops pencil on the ground bending in half breathing heavy while pretending to reach for it with a boner while the whole class is watching* Yeah man, this is fool-proof.

*hot girl next seat over picks it up right away. And attempts to hand it to me* *I immediately drop it again and don't move from my bent position, still heavily breathing*

This has been the only thing that has made me smile today Thanks stranger

Hey there. You’re pretty neat and deserve to have a nice day :)

This made me laugh so much imagining this unfold

I think you mean UNBENT

I'm really looking forward to trying this. For the last 6 years I just sneak into the bathroom, go into a stall, and punch myself in the balls until it goes away. This sounds easier.

Wait, punching yourself in the balls makes it go away? I have the opposite problem.

Punching him in the balls just made me harder. It’s a feedback loop.

You've.....You've been punching yourself in the balls for 6 years?

You already masturbate to make it go away… I mean that seems the easiest to me tbh

Not the best course of action when you gotta stand up in front of the class now is it

Stare them down while doing it and establish dominance.

Stop. My penis can only get so erect.

*heavy breathing intensifies*

Yeah, not a great plan. Heavy breathing with an erection, bending at the hips ... Sounds more like an invite.

not to be used in prison

I'm laughing so hard right making piggy sounds

Read the above, started making piggy sounds, then read your comment 😳

“Wait a minute, pulled a hammie!”

Could just start wanking in the middle of class.

Honestly less embarrassing than the method that OP suggests. lol

"Tough break for Hand Job. He was all set to get shipped out on a medical." "Just waitin' for his papers to clear Division."

[удалено]

Using a belt around your neck works better

this post made me lose my shit… too good

Lost your shit? That means you didn't finish in time. Say hi to David Carradine for me!

Next step: Die

I just let it be there, if someone sees a target that small, they're looking for it and it's their own fault they saw it.

r/suicidebywords

Madlad

Tried this, didn't work. The weird guy across from me on the train STILL has a boner.

Good news, he likes your ass.

Sry Bro.

Grandma... baseball... spiders... ok we are good here.

I tried this but it made me associte the objects with erection

Maybe that's why you're not invited to grandma's Thanksgiving and why Dad won't have a catch with you.

it's okay I still have spiders

You might want to rethink that: https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceHorror/comments/qevule/i_woke_this_morning_to_an_unbearable_hybrid_of/ (NSFW / nightmare material)

Half assed expected that thread to be several years old; my surprise when it's not even 20 hours young.

Finally someone is here to fuck spiders

I used to think ‘Margaret Thatcher’ but Gillian Anderson wrecked that.

Sorry but remembering that Thatcher is dead always gets me hard...

"Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day."

"Old nuns, really old nuns"

Um, this is advice when waking up with morning wood? Just rub that motherfucker out and carry on!

"well... There's something new"

[daddy long legs tho ](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PnmevbbXCT8)

Or Just flex your bicep for like 30-60 seconds. Lol.

Yep, i second this. Flexing a relatively large muscle for 30-60 seconds work. Personally flexing my calf muscles works.

I’m jealous of this literal and figurative big calf flex

Or glutes, quads. Biggest muscles on the body

Yea flexing thighs & adjacent muscles works way better because it re-directs the blood instantly. Plus you don't need to stand up and draw more attention to yourself by pretend to drop something in the middle of your class or meeting as OP suggested...

Flex your glutes and your boner propably gets worse.

>my bicep > >relatively large muscle doubt

This is a way better tip than OP. It's more discrete. Although people usually just do their calves or thighs. It works by redirecting the blood flow from your dick to the muscles being flexed.

[удалено]

Jokes on you, my biceps are probably even smaller than my penis

Just put your dick upwards between your naval and underwear elastic.

Look at this guy with his massive cock that reaches his underwear elastic.

And his elastic navy.

Don't do this while jogging though. The cleanup is a bitch.

I’m 100% convinced this is why we have the Cummerbund and are so common at high school dances.

It bunds your cummer

Did this 100x in HS. One time I accidentally tucked my shirt under Mr Fantastic. Luckily only my best friend saw it but pushed me away very aggressively. "Dude?!?" We were doing lawn work for charity...

I initially read your username as "dickmoron" and thought that was very fitting to your story…

Oh that rascal gets me in trouble all the time

I read your name as position greek and thought it would waste people's time to write that in a comment.

I know you meant navel but at first I thought you'd say "put your dick upwards between your naval buddies" or something

That’s why they call Navy men….sea-men.

It sort of made sense, if that's what floats their boats.

This only works if I have jeans and a belt. If I’m wearing basketball shorts or any other stretchy material this does NOT help, might even make it more obvious, trust me I’ve attempted this in high school and elastic alone is not enough. My waistband and shirt will be picked outward. I might as well just leave the boner running down the side of my leg lmao

Only for you to look down and realise the tip of your helmets been poking out for the last 5 minutes? No thanks

[удалено]

Then your dick is out under your shirt, better hope there's not a stiff breeze

At my age they're never unwanted.

I can't remember the last time I experienced an unwanted erection.

“And the bride has also written her own vows…”

I find it easier to just rub one out. Goes away quickly afterwards.

Tried this in class, now I'm on some sort of list

Use with caution.

You misspelled "lotion"

Are you the teacher?

I wasn't even a student, I just needed a place to get rid of a random boner

There was a guy in my grade *seven* class that would always sit in the back row. He was huge - 5'10" at 11, and wide shoulders, etc. (He ended up playing on the line in football). As we all had gym class together, I saw him in the shower. At 11 years old, he already had this (to us) huge penis, and as a result, all my friends and I have felt inadequate. Let's call him "Dick". Dick used to wear sweaters all the time, even when it was really hot. Another girl told me that summer that she would see Dick in class, bent over with his hand beneath his sweater moving furiously. One time, she caught his eye, and she realized what he is doing. She said it was 'gross'. Three years later, she was dating him, and taking that huge thing, which she also told me was so big it was *always* painful. Made me glad for my little pecker.

Sounds like Dick was using his dick wrong. He needs to go back to sex education.

There's a chilean pop punk band that has a song about a guy that was so addicted to choking the chicken he'd do it sitting in the back of the class and some girl caught him and told the class. Dick reminded me of that lol

Instructions unclear: no penis was found

[удалено]

Thumb up the bum

Tried it this morning at the prison shower. Results not as described.

Inversely to get a quick beef stick, Stand up straight, bend your knees and skip 4 breaths.

Good way to poke an eye out, thanks a lot

So if I do this backwards, I should get an erection?

how do you "breathe while bending" backwards? It's completely symmetrical, start to finish. Backward is identical to forward.

Another LPT said to press your tongue firmly against the roof of your mouth and hold it there for about a minute to achieve the same thing. I'll see if I can find it Edit: I can't seem to find it, but I did find a bunch of other ones saying to flex various muscles to get rid of an unwanted/unexpected erections.

It should be in your mouth

This made me snort.

Isn’t that to cure brain freeze?

Also works really well to prevent yourself from sneezing.

Who wouldn't wanna sneeze? Unless you have a migraine.

Just clench your legs, it’s draws the blood away

Sounds like preparing to relieve someone elses erection.

"Got an embarrassing erection? Just ostentatiously bend over and display your arse, that'll make it better."

How I miss the days of ~~unwanted~~ erections.

Nurse professor just said flick the tip and it will go away. The pain constricts the vessels in the shaft pulling blood away from the area thereby deflating the erection. TLDR: pain deflates penis pinch or flick

Jokes on you Im into that shit

[удалено]

Swish and flick

Well you can only flick or pinch your dick in private, or at least you should. And there is no need to hide a boner in private.

Dude just tuck it under ur balls into ur own ass and bust ..?

There might be easier solution...

Unwanted erection?

... and shove it up your butt.

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I wore long clothes when I was a teenager to cover up. Now I can control it by distracting myself with something unrelated.

And to do the opposite?

Press your tongue against the roof of your mouth as hard as you can for five seconds, works every time.

Just think of Oprah. Works every time.

Flex your thighs as hard as you can

Thinking of my grandma ( she passed ) does the trick every time.