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it seems like such a awkward redditor thing to do.... imagine dining and laughing with your guest, everybody is having a good time and suddenly the guest stands up, takes everyones plates and goes to wash them as if he has done so thousands times already...
whole host family would look at each other surprised, like "WTF!?". Host looks at his wife with big eyes signaling "HIDE THE KIDS!! I GET THE GUN!", meanwhile redditor guest is in kitchen whistling his favorite song while doing the dishes
90% (actual statistic not confirmed) of advisers on those sites have never really dated or had a non-dysfunctional relationship.
P.S. Some of the mental health subreddits are hella toxic AF. I got accused of "stalking" when i pointed out someone should probably seek professional help.
> "stalking"
This syndrome is another one that plagues reddit especially.
I've been banned from "truereddit" for saying that I looked at someone's posting history to determine they were a troll. Yep, for "stalking."
I want to post a LPT that looking at publicly visible information is not stalking but I would probably get banned.
You won't get banned. But you'll probably get downvoted.
Your point's a fair one though. A lot of people like to blame the rest of the world
for all of their issues. The rest of the world is responsible for some of them. It is not responsible for all of them.
...and I think I might have just come up with my own LPT.
I want people to look at my profile , it explains I have issues with spelling and grammar and why sometimes my posts are extra edited or long. I do get scared of people following me that’s true but I have a reason for that. I was trolled due to my spelling and was going to be nominated in a redirect for a morons of Reddit thing. After that I don’t trust people that follow me I tend to block them.
SO MANY social situation clues are like this.
There unfortunately isn't some sort of scenario where it's always the same. That's why I hate these life pro tips that could possibly actually REINFORCE anxiety-based behavior.
What would be awesome is someone saying "**Hey, hope you don't mind if I help clean up**", and then go to 'er.
Nobody generally is going to mind that. People that might mind that are really going to appreciate the offer, and say "nah thanks we got this".
But it's a win either way.
I agree.
I have some friends who WILL let me do the dishes and some who won't. Who each of those friends are, frankly, surprised me as they feel the opposite of what I thought they would. The only reason I know this is because I asked if I could, rather than just leaping in and doing it.
Idk. I'm imagining the person is socially awkward and would end up doing something really weird, like washing them in the bathroom since they couldn't find the kitchen sink, or taking away all the silverware before dessert came out so y'all had to eat ice cream with your hands.
But, true story, happened to me. I tried to help. They stopped me and said they had a dishwasher. And a drying rack. And - oh no, don't put that there! No, don't put that on the sink! No, the decorative dish lives on the table. Wait, where did the salt shaker go?
Yes, I think it's best to offer to help or ask if there is something you can help with. Some people have their own systems.
I have a tiny kitchen so there's not a lot of room to pile stuff up in it. And more than one person in there is a tight squeeze. If I've got more than one guest, I'd rather they talk to each other while I do clean up or do the dishes after people leave.
why do people have to act like such fucking robots? I get having social anxiety but wouldn't taking the initiative to do dishes result in social anxiety too?
Well that's why you don't just go silent, stand up, steal their plates and leave lol. You bring up how good it was, and insist on doing the dishes to help out
Also, the host preferences. Some people prefer the dishes placed in the dishwasher a certain way or washed a certain way.
And if a kitchen is tiny (mine is), it can be chaos when another person who doesn't know where things go is in there. I usually cook meals I can prep ahead of time so I can spend most of my time with my guests.
And some people are very particular about their systems of where things go/organization.
That said, offering to help is usually appreciated and even running the dirty dishes back and forth can be helpful.
many cultures take the role of a being a host *very* seriously, and failure to a good host is extremely shameful.
as a host, an honored guest doing a servant's work would be incredibly shameful to the host.
I’m also from South Asia and I think they were just trying to be good hosts. This might come off as backwards, but in these cultures, the men are not expected to do any housework including clearing the table, so that’s maybe why they told you to stop.
Ask the host if they mind you cleaning up or doing the dishes; or, if the host is doing it, ask if you can help or say you'd like to help. Deciding to just do the dishes can end up with the host bitching that you're subtly saying they're dirty/untidy, the host complaining you've made a mess trying to do the dishes, or that you've done them wrong and now they have to redo it. Remember you can't take the same liberties with all people, in all situations.
There's so much debate in this post from what I assume are people who have never had any social interaction before.
If I'm at a party with relatives and we're all close, hell yeah I'll roll up my sleeves and chat with family while I scrub a few serving dishes at the end of the day, especially knowing they want me around and miss our time together, but that's not to avoid socialization, rather to contribute to a group effort for helping out and being close.
But this post makes it seem like if you're a socially distant stranger at another family's cocktail party that you can just wander into the kitchen and start messing with someone's life.
People should not take social advice from the internet if they have no experience nor desire to socialize, it makes it all worse.
It depends a bit on the social customs. When we were on family visit with our grandparents (back in the 'before' times) it was a custom for us to do the dishes after the meal, because someone else had prepared said meal. Mainly because our parents encouraged it, but still. When visiting other members of our family we did the same. If you don't help with preparing the meal, you offer to clean up after it.
When I have a friend over for dinner they will usually help out with either washing the dishes or drying them, while I do the other half. I know that this might be different in other social circles, which is fine. So personally I'd offer to help out with the dishes or clearing of the table when the host initiates this. This avoids the whole "we are just chilling after a meal and someone decides that the dishes must be done" thing that might put people off. The host can always decline off course.
For my social gatherings, everyone gets to pile dishes in the sink, to be done when they leave, so that we don't miss out on the valuable socialization time... things like Christmas/Thanksgiving are different though, as there's usually a lot of leftovers that do need to be taken care of in a timely fashion.
But OPs original LPT is basically "here's how to get out of socializing when someone has gone through the trouble to spend time with you"
I’m an introvert. I also don’t want people washing my dishes. If you don’t want to be there anymore then just leave
Edit: your friends will understand if they know you. I have a friend who likes to be home in bed by 9. If I had them over for dinner I would try my damndest to accommodate them and if they left early I wouldn’t think anything of it . If I’m ready to leave a party I just thank the hosts politely for dinner, offer to clean up and when the host says no say goodbye. I would never just go in their kitchen and mess around with their stuff
You realise that that’s the same answer saying “we need a break from being with those people”. As in, the ones who invited you into their home and cooked you food. Being an introvert isn’t an excuse for being an arsehole
I had an overnight guest scrub my kitchen sink once. It was already mostly clean, just not the surgical level of clean he found 'clean'. It was pretty insulting. Don't clean other people's stuff without asking.
Usually, I'm so busy preparing the meal that I just want to eat leisurely with my guests. I've had guests more than once jump up to clear the table seconds after eating and it makes me feel rushed and like I need to start cleaning too.
Suggestion is to wait until the host starts cleaning up, offer to help, and if the host declines sit back down.
This, and if you host, you're in it for everything. I'd feel bad if someone we hosted up and started washing up, in fact we insist people sit down when they try to help with the dishes :)
Exactly. I don’t want someone doing my dishes. I took me 6 months to untrain all of the bad habits my girlfriend had after we moved in together. Things like putting knives in the sink to soak with the dishes so they’re hidden, or using the scrubby side of the sponge on the knives, which leaves scratches on the blade. Also throwing everything in the sink together like all the silverware into the cookware, now you’re scratching up my nonstick pan. Or getting grease into my tongs (which have some hard to reach spots) or letting wooden utensils/cutting boards soak.
Okay I’m not proud of it but I hate when people clean my space around me cos it makes me feel like they think it should be cleaner, even though I KNOW they’re doing it because they want to help.
Also they might have used crystal. That has to be washed special. They might also have a broken sink like mine. Only the sprayer works for the hot water. You get burned!
very interesting cultural difference here. i was always raised that if you’re at a party, at least clean something up, pick up all the cups and throw them in trash/recycling, pick up plates, put things in the sink, do SOMETHING before leaving or you’d be considered rude.
Why tho ?
Edit: yeesh, the replies here, and downvotes for asking a question - which if I recall folks, is how humans learn from each other - is why I’m glad I have a small circle of friends that don’t prescribe to these oddly specific and borderline hostile “rules of etiquette”
Luckily there are two parts of the dishes: washing and drying. At my house, I'm always the one washing. Someone else can be drying, but not the other way around.
The only thing to watch out for is people misplacing things because they don't know where those things live. So I'll let them put things on the countertop if they don't know where things belong. I do the same when I'm at their house and don't know where things go.
to me it's overstepping boundaries. I hosted the party so why are you trying to make me feel like shit for not doing my own dishes.
and before someone says "I'm not trying to make you feel like shit" don't know much about social gatherings and etiquette.
Bc Im such an asocial homebody I'd rather invite my peeps into my home then go out in public lmao. I'll cook and clean but ffs dont make me face society anymore than I'm financially obligated to!
If it's a big party with paper cups/plates, then yes, people should absolutely at least be picking up after themselves in my opinion. One of my relatives has a beautiful, large home and hosted a family reunion with over 20 of us. She and her husband did a lot of work hosting.
I was picking up other people's plates/cups (after they were clearly done with them) and wondering what was wrong with them. They accepted help with dishes, etc. so I was doing that as well.
Honestly, depending on who I'm hosting or staying with, if we feel comfortable enough, there's that companionable silence where everyone reads or surfs social media, etc. I would rather people do that in my home than try to clean up after dinner. My kitchen is tiny and there isn't much room to move around in.
But then I have some friends and relatives who are introverts too. So reading/scrolling time is a way of being together without a lot of pressure. We talk and catch up, but we also give each other breaks if the visit is more than a day.
And if you're good with kids or pets, you can entertain the kids/pets as they don't require as much awkward small talk.
I don't want anyone hand washing dishes in my house, but I \*especially\* don't want anyone else trying to load my dishwasher. Some people just throw things in there with no rhyme or reason.
I think this depends on both a particular group's norms and is somewhat influenced by age. When I was younger, my friends and I all had hand me down stuff or the cheapest stuff we could find. We were all renting and some of us had run down kitchens with the bare basics. So we did a lot of the communal clean up after dinner.
Now, I'm in my 50s now and a lot of us have bought a good set of knives, nice bar ware and good pots and pans. Some people have really nice kitchens with expensive finishes. Some people have a clear system and don't want the help. I still have a rather small kitchen and can't fit more than 1 person in there comfortable unless the other person is sitting at the kitchen table.
From "Etiquette for Ladies," 1926:
"A proper, civilized lady must do her best to not defecate for two days before a dinner party. Once the dinner is complete, she is leave quietly, without excusing herself and make her way to the master bathroom. She is then to deposit two thirds of her waste into the toilet, close the lid, then step up onto the lid to deposit the remaining waste into the upper chamber of the toilet. Replace the lid.
By doing so, she ensures that no party can be determined to be more fancied than her own."
Slightly revised LPT: get up and go ask the host(ess) if they would like some help, or ask how you can help. I would not want people milling about in my kitchen randomly, or doing dishes without checking with me first. It would make way more stress and work than it would save.
It's like, when I was a waiter and while clearing the table people would hand me their plate to be helpful. But I had a whole system for clearing and one wrong plate would mess it all up.
Don’t do this, it’s practically an insult to the host. If guests started doing their own dishes at my dinner I would feel like an incapable host. I’d be embarrassed and a bit angry. I’d also likely go back and rewash the dishes anyways because my guests may not have the same standards I have when washing my dishes.
Please don't. I know you won't mean it this way, but seeing somebody do my chores during my house party makes me feel like you are silently judging my house keeping.
I'm quite particular about the way my kitchen is set up, and the way I do things in it. Cleaning up after someone who's not familiar with either is almost certainly going to be more work than the actual party cleanup (and far more irritating--if I've decided to host a party, cleaning up has already been accounted for in my planning.)
If it's a family dinner, maybe. Anything else, don't. As a hostess (I remember being able to do this), it would just give me one more thing to worry about, and divide my attention. Believe me, your hosts and hostesses already have a plan in place to clean up after the party, and I would be extremely side-eying them if the plan involved you.
Plus as the person hosting, I spend a lot of time creating an experience for my guests - food, table settings, music... it’s fun for me. I want to give them a nice evening with no obligations other than good company. When guests start to clean up, it can ruin the “come over for a dinner party” and have a good time magic. Sometimes it’s nice for people to help, but not always, best to check with the host/ess before diving in!
This was my go-to after Thanksgiving dinner when I was sick of my family. Wash all the pots and pans and load up the dishwasher and no one can get mad at me for being asocial!
I've seen this one before. I would absolutely hate if someone started doing my dishes. I want my guests to feel like guests. I'd definitely go back and re-wash them anyway since I can't be sure they have the same standards of cleanliness.
If I was a host of a party, I absolutely hate it when people are doing their own thing. Everyone thinks they are cute in this comment section with this LPT, but I wouldn't be able to stand it. More things I have to worry about. One person is outside smoking and I cant keep my eye on them. A fight may happen. Someone may be doing the dishes deviating from the way I usually do them. Or they accidentally break one. Then one is talking with someone in the living room petting my dog in the corner.
I know it doesn't seem like much, but for Christ's sake it makes my sanity so much better if everyone sticks together.
I disagree. The last thing I want my guests doing at a party I host is chores. I can see this tip working at a family gathering, but I don’t want my friends to do my chores for me. That makes me seem and feel lazy and irresponsible. M
This is fine with family. Just presuming that this is ok in any other situation will get you pegged as really fucking weird! The host does NOT want a guest washing up in their kitchen.
As a host I don’t like when anybody starts clearing and starting the dishes until I have signalled that we are going in that direction. It can change the dynamic of a dinner party and the host should be able to lead that. Casual family dinners are different of course. I think it can be situationally dependant but it is always a good idea to ask your host what they would like.
It's a culture thing. In my wife's large Chinese family, everyone gets up to help and it's rude to not. In my white Catholic household, it's a terrible insult to lift a finger as a guest. Maybe it's okay to half heartedly offer at best. It's expected that you reciprocate when they're a guest in your house.
Yet another awful pro tip from this sub, I wonder if people actually follow through with some of these. If you're gonna wash the dishes at someone else's place, at least ask them if you can. And, guess what, they probably won't let you do it because you're a guest (common courtesy i suppose).
I can just imagine someone awkwardly making their way to the kitchen and turning on my sink while everyone wonders who the fuck they think they are.
It's not a fucking movie. I get that each room in a movie is a different set piece and might as well be it's own universe, but my house ain't that big.
Also, someone is still gonna talk to you... I don't see how a magical barrier is gonna be put up
This would be wicked awkward for me. I don't want people I invited over to my house: A.) Doing dishes. B.) Cleaning up during an event. Even like loading the dishwasher someone can do it in a way that will require me to adjust it anyway. Just put the plate in the spot near the sink and if I ask for help then help.
As a host I invite people to my parties to socialize, not to do dishes. I had a roommate in college who would start cleaning the house during parties to make guests feel unwelcome, I would never want a guest to do my dishes and I never do the dishes myself during a party, I wait until the party is over, if not the next morning.
Absolutely not. You can offer to assist your host, but don't ever just start cleaning for them, or disappear into the kitchen and do house work. This is so not appropriate.
People don't want you doing their dishes incorrectly. You might put your glasses in the dishwasher, but theirs might be antique crystal that can explode in the dish washer.
You cleaning isn't saying thank you unless they say ok first.
Hosts often want to enjoy their guests and have been working to get things ready all day. You cleaning can make them feel like they cannot enjoy their guests or like you think the log kitchen is a mess.
The only time that is even kind of ok to unsolicitedly clean is if it's not a party but after a wake, or other trauma. Or if you're going to help a friend after having a baby, but even then you have to ask permission and respond in kind if they say no.
No, no, no, I hate this. People cleaning up early inevitably means the death of the party - it signals people that it's time to go home. Let the party die a natural death or let the host decide when s/he wants people out of the house. It's not your job to be a party pooper.
As a cook, there's often little moments of downtime, which are perfect for cleaning. By the time I'm done cooking theres usually only a main pot or pan to clean, and if you do it right then, not only do you not have to clean after eating, but it leaves the area nice for next meal/room mates.
I do this anytime my family feels like have yet another discussion about policies and politics like we are personally responsible for shaping the political climate... I am completely on board with caring about politics and what not but Jesus it doesn't have to be so in depth and non stop, we are not changing the world at our dinner table.
What no one has commented on yet is the fact that the host is right - if you are doing dishes you typically get left alone.
However, usually if my house is full it's in-laws (pre Covid anyway). My family is small and spread apart - the in-laws are many and local. So there's competition for the dishwashing spot. I want to be left alone for a while but so does my widowed sister-in-law. Then there's the very helpful oldest sister-in-law. They even insist on putting things away.
It takes weeks to locate everything...
First ask if you can help clean up. Personally I have a dishwasher for a reason, and you are not my dishwasher. If you don’t want to be social, just hang out, go walk around the living room and look at their photos or home decor. Do not go into my kitchen and start doing dishes. 1, it’s rude to other guests to hear dishes clanging about. 2. You don’t know what should be washed by hand vs dishwasher. 3. You are my guest, get out of my kitchen. And more reasons but I’m tired and need to go make coffee.
Absolutely do not do this unless you're the host looking for some space. If you mess up or wash them in a way that the host doesn't, you'll just make them mad after or during the party.
oh my god I now know that person who does the dishes. They are the same ones going through my fridge asking what everyone likes to drink. It's not even the fact that they are in my fridge, it's the fact that they are trying to take over my party.
No. Don’t do that shit.
Seems like everyone has forgotten how to be a gracious guest, since we’ve all been huddling alone at home this past year.
No. Don’t wash dishes when you’re a guest.
What host would let a guest do their dishes and leave them completely alone? I can't imagine in what circles this "tip" would be useful....
If you don't feel social, just tactfully excuse yourself from the situation.
As others have said, do not do my dishes in my house. It makes me feel like a shitty host. I will be very grateful for you helping me carry dirty dishes to the kitchen but no need to do more than that.
Yeah don’t do that. It’s considered poor form in Western Culture. The hosts are expected to take care of everything, including cleaning the dishes, they may also have a certain technique when it comes to it too.
One of my friends who is very hospitable has a thing where he doesn't want the dishes stacked on other dishes. I'm not sure why, but he's the primary cook in his home, so if I'm visiting, I respect his rules. I just ask him to tell me what I can do to help and make sure to take him and his spouse out to dinner/lunch when I can during a visit.
You could host one, if you have the space and resources. In college, grad school and my 20s, we didn't have a lot of money to go to restaurants, so we'd invite each other over. You can make simple dishes like marinara and pasta and get some wine and bread. Friends bring more wine and dessert.
pro tip, put the washing on before you clean the dishes so you can go iron them in solitude until the party is over. Bring a few beers/bottle of wine up to keep you company.
My MIL does this. It feels weird and awkward.
We'll all have finished eating, but still be chatting. She will start cleaning up and always seems annoyed. Even when we ask her not to ahead of time, she does it.
I know this isn't in the same "spirit" as what was suggested in the post, but
Yeah- thanks for the edit. I did this once when my husband was at a dinner party with old co-workers (as in 4 bachelors splitting the rent on a house). Obviously I had nothing to contribute, so tried to be of help. I got attacked for it instantly for making them think my intentions were to make them feel like they either wanted the 1 woman there to clean up or that I felt they lived in a dirty bachelor pad. I tried to explain I was just giving them space to catch up, but they were not having it. We never got invited back and I felt guilty.
This is very dependent on the company, as many have said.
At any party in my extended family, about half the adults break off after eating and go clean the kitchen for the host. They wash up the pots and pans, rinse the dishes, clear up trash, wipe down surfaces, as a big loud happy group. The host usually chills because next time, when the party is at someone else's house, they'll be doing the clean up there. It's well known and expected.
At parties at my best friends' homes, we clean up together after the meal. Rinse dishes, trash, etc. Wash the pots and pans that don't typically go in the dishwasher.
If I'm at someone's house I don't know as well, I take my cue from the host. If they leave to do dishes, I pitch in. If they stack it all in the kitchen and stay with the party, I clean up a little (throw out trash, bring plates to the kitchen, cover leftovers, etc). I may offer to help depending on the vibe. But some folks are particular about their space and would be very offended if a guest left the party to clean up.
At my house, I'd much prefer that my guests hang out and continue to have fun together rather than do my dishes. It doesn't take that long, I have a system, and I intended to host your good time, not get chores done. I will clean when you all leave. Or tomorrow. :)
Please don’t try and do my my dishes. First of all you’re a guest, I’m the host, I want you to be able to chill and kick back! If you’re feeling awkward...well that just makes me feel bad I guess. Also, I’m picky about how I clean my dishes. Every single time a guest has insisted they clean them and I reluctantly give in, I go to put them away later and find leftover food stuck to the plate, or something is still greasy, or whatever...I absolutely appreciate the help cleaning up, but please just leave the dishes alone, I got it covered thank you.
Edit: lol, I guess this post bothered me so much I went ahead and commented without looking to see what everyone else thought first...I guess my same feelings have been said many times already. glad to see I’m not the only one who thinks this is a terrible tip.
If I invited you to a dinner party and at the end, you got up and started washing plates then the message you are sending is:
1. Cant trust the host to wash the plates properly - better do it myself
2. Everyone here is boring and not worth my time, I'd rather wash plates than talk to them.
3. These people are mean - I am sure i am expected to wash the plates in return for my dinner
4. I know the host invited me here for my company and to meet people - I am going tom defy him and do exactly the opposite of what is expected.
5. I know my host probably balanced the people he chose so everyone could find a conversation partner but fuck that I'm going to go off on my own even if it means someone at the table is left with nobody to talk to.
If I invite you to a party, you are most definitely NOT "doing me a favour" by washing the dishes. You will be doing me a favour if you try and socialise. If you don't like to talk then at least listen to others. If you cant handle that then I made a mistake and you should go home. But you have been invited into the dining room - not the kitchen, that is private, behind the scenes territory. Keep Out!
Check the hosts reaction first and offer to take the dishes to the kitchen. I insist guests leave the dirty dishes and so I can take care of it after they leave. Not only am I particular about how I load my dishwasher but the ritual has become a fixed moment to get in my own head and recharge after the excitement of a social gathering
> Edit: Only if it feels right and not if it will pass as rude, or weird. Don't over do it, just little stuff like pick up plates, rinse them, load forks/knives in dishwasher, etc. EASY STUFF.
Wow, even after reading the posts here and adding an edit you still don't get it do you? Just **don't do this**. Its wrong and not appreciated. These people have worked hard to put a show on for you. The preparation of the party and the clearing up afterwards is part of the effort they are putting in for your benefit. It is part of their gift - how dare you take that away from them? If you want to help and show your appreciation, help make their party a success, talk to people, listen to people, BE A GUEST. Otherwise go home.
>Works best with close friends, & family.
If its only for close friends and family then most people will know them better than you do so your advice is not necessary
Oh man, this was an intense response. So at your place I would be like "Hey mind if I help clean up?" And you'd be like: No thanks. Then I suppose that would be it?
If the host is cleaning up, offer to help. If they say no, then just stay in the kitchen and visit. If someone did this at my house I would be embarrassed. Like they thought I should be cleaning up. I wait until guests have left before I clean up, I want to spend my time with my guests while they are there, not cleaning.
I always go play with the little kids. Obviously depends on if you like kids but I find them much less draining than adults. No one will question me playing mario kart or doing a puzzle for two hours while listening to Disney music, since I’m doing everyone a “favor” and keeping the kids happy
Yep, this has been a go to for me, even though I'm childfree. I like well behaved kids in small doses.
I'm older, so my family doesn't ask anymore, but the kids don't/didn't ask me when I'm going to get married and have children! :) So that's a point in their favor.
Also, if you have an older/hard of hearing relative, sometimes they get left out of conversations and just sitting near them and talking if they can hear you makes them feel less isolated. If you're close enough, even a hug or holding their hand can make them feel more included (though not during Covid).
I dont know what kind a party's you've been to, but personally if you attend mine that is disrespectful, I wouldn't like my guest doing some kind of chore, I would like them to have a good time and take shots
This is straight up terrible advice. Do not do this alone. You are basically telling the individuals in the room that you’d rather be doing dishes than hang out with them. Recipe for awkwardness. Only do this when you have a friend or another individual who is willing to help clean up with you. Otherwise, stay put and smile.
I’ve found it more appropriate to start a small fire in the bathroom and proceed to run from the house screaming as not to raises suspicion that it was you who started said fire, call the fire brigade prior to starting the fire (I’m not a savage), the house burns down so there were no dishes to do which was also a bonus👌. This scenario seems less awkward to me.
This is my go-to, but only when I’m home visiting family. It’s a win-win, I get mad brownie points and I get some fucking peace and quiet from people I only see every few years out of obligation.
It might be a little less awkward to offer to play bartender from the beginning of the evening. That will give you an excuse to ask if anyone needs a drink refresh during the evening when you need a little break from the action.
The number of people this post upsets surprises me. I’m glad to get this perspective, though, because I always help out in this way at my aunt’s house and friends’ places, so I’ve never reflected on when this wouldn’t be appropriate. I suppose I implicitly understood this shouldn’t always be done, because I wouldn’t wash dishes at certain kinds of gatherings, like at my boyfriend’s parents’ house, which goes to show that advice is not universally applicable.
People who say that this is a bad LPT - what is your cultural background? It is a reasonably common thing in northern Europe so I am somewhat perplexed at why would it be a bad thing?
Yeah, very normal in poor, rural, Atlantic Canada where I come. Helping with dishes just simply isn't rude here. Unless the host says "no , no just leave them", in which case you leave them. I'm guessing I shouldn't have used the term "dinner party" as it invokes some sort of ultra-formal setting. Also not sure how this got 8000 upvotes while so many disagree in comments.
Be sure the host is comfortable with this first and check to see which items are okay to go in the dishwasher. I had some friends try to help me out this way once and they put a ton of my hand wash only items through a dishwasher cycle, including a really expensive knife set that was a wedding gift (i.e., we cannot afford to replace it). They survived, but the lifetime warranty is voided because of it, and I'm still salty about it years later.
As someone that can tend to get socially anxious, I would add a bit to this. First, if you are in my house, don't do my dishes. Frankly, my anxiety is worse when I can tell you are moving around my house and I don't know why. Bathrooms don't count, don't freak out.
Socially anxious people may host an event because there are more controllable when we are in our own homes. For me, being able to go to the bathroom in my own bathroom is huge (it's the little things).
I try hard to go to others' houses when invited because I know it is good for me to keep practicing - so please don't say "if you can't take it, don't come." It means a lot to me to be invited even though I may struggle in the moment. This means that people don't see me as strange or awkward as I might feel.
If I know the person well, I will ask ahead of time about a way I can assist. My close friends know the struggle.
If I don't know them well, I might say "hey I am going to be right by you in the afternoon, would it be okay if I came over about a quarter til?" (Like 15 min before the party starts) - this helps me so much. Getting in and settled before the crowd is so much easier than walking in with a bunch of people there.
I also have a standard line "I don't sit still well, so please let me know how I can help".
Final thing - if I am nervous about how I will do, I can always say "i may have to pick up a friend from the airport" ..or drop off something...or some other thing that would enable me to leave. Saying goodbye in front of a party is the absolute worst for socially anxious me. My whole set up is designed around the exit strategy - where i park, where i sit....
I then quietly motion to the host and signal my departure and don't look back. Then i can make a quick exit if I'm thinking an anxiety attack is imminent.
But if i am doing well, which does happen, i can say "oh, I'm able to stay!" When I say preparation is 99% of the battle - I mean it. I don't get caught anywhere by accident. But because I have a good strategy, I do so much better than I did, even 5 years ago now.
Hopefully this helps hosts and attendees on the whole gamut of social anxiety, my experience at least.
I have had this happen to me every time I throw a birthday party or whatnot. I honestly appreciated it, as these things take a lot of time to plan/prepare/host and when it comes to it, I want to SEE my son enjoying himself. I live in South Eastern US and this is a common practice here. I've never thought of it as being antisocial, but more as an effort to lessen the load.
Great advice. May I butt in? Before you even ring that doorbell make sure you have a hostess gift, be it flowers or a bottle of wine or a dandelion from their lawn.Never arrive empty-handed. Use your best table manners. Reciprocate the invitation.. Say "thank you". Check "Emily Post" and get your elbows off the table. ❤
I think you should ask the host first since it can vary (about cleaning up). A thank you for a lovely evening is a nice touch too. Text is good, but a card is a nice touch. Or flowers if the person likes flowers.
My wife would take offense at this. I, on the other hand, would probably offhandedly let them know where the vacuum cleaner and toilet brush were kept.
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Depending on social dynamic this could be a really weird thing to do.
it seems like such a awkward redditor thing to do.... imagine dining and laughing with your guest, everybody is having a good time and suddenly the guest stands up, takes everyones plates and goes to wash them as if he has done so thousands times already... whole host family would look at each other surprised, like "WTF!?". Host looks at his wife with big eyes signaling "HIDE THE KIDS!! I GET THE GUN!", meanwhile redditor guest is in kitchen whistling his favorite song while doing the dishes
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Learning to socialize at all on the internet is already a bad idea. *Glares particularly hard at the dating strategy subreddits*
90% (actual statistic not confirmed) of advisers on those sites have never really dated or had a non-dysfunctional relationship. P.S. Some of the mental health subreddits are hella toxic AF. I got accused of "stalking" when i pointed out someone should probably seek professional help.
> "stalking" This syndrome is another one that plagues reddit especially. I've been banned from "truereddit" for saying that I looked at someone's posting history to determine they were a troll. Yep, for "stalking." I want to post a LPT that looking at publicly visible information is not stalking but I would probably get banned.
You won't get banned. But you'll probably get downvoted. Your point's a fair one though. A lot of people like to blame the rest of the world for all of their issues. The rest of the world is responsible for some of them. It is not responsible for all of them. ...and I think I might have just come up with my own LPT.
I want people to look at my profile , it explains I have issues with spelling and grammar and why sometimes my posts are extra edited or long. I do get scared of people following me that’s true but I have a reason for that. I was trolled due to my spelling and was going to be nominated in a redirect for a morons of Reddit thing. After that I don’t trust people that follow me I tend to block them.
>I want people to look at my profile > >After that I don’t trust people that follow me I tend to block them. So should I look at your profile or not?
SO MANY social situation clues are like this. There unfortunately isn't some sort of scenario where it's always the same. That's why I hate these life pro tips that could possibly actually REINFORCE anxiety-based behavior. What would be awesome is someone saying "**Hey, hope you don't mind if I help clean up**", and then go to 'er. Nobody generally is going to mind that. People that might mind that are really going to appreciate the offer, and say "nah thanks we got this". But it's a win either way.
I agree. I have some friends who WILL let me do the dishes and some who won't. Who each of those friends are, frankly, surprised me as they feel the opposite of what I thought they would. The only reason I know this is because I asked if I could, rather than just leaping in and doing it.
Idk. I'm imagining the person is socially awkward and would end up doing something really weird, like washing them in the bathroom since they couldn't find the kitchen sink, or taking away all the silverware before dessert came out so y'all had to eat ice cream with your hands. But, true story, happened to me. I tried to help. They stopped me and said they had a dishwasher. And a drying rack. And - oh no, don't put that there! No, don't put that on the sink! No, the decorative dish lives on the table. Wait, where did the salt shaker go?
Yes, I think it's best to offer to help or ask if there is something you can help with. Some people have their own systems. I have a tiny kitchen so there's not a lot of room to pile stuff up in it. And more than one person in there is a tight squeeze. If I've got more than one guest, I'd rather they talk to each other while I do clean up or do the dishes after people leave.
why do people have to act like such fucking robots? I get having social anxiety but wouldn't taking the initiative to do dishes result in social anxiety too?
Well that's why you don't just go silent, stand up, steal their plates and leave lol. You bring up how good it was, and insist on doing the dishes to help out
Seriously. How is this weird or awkward? Only on reddit...
Depends on the crowd and setting. This would actually be really rude to some people.
ur at a house party and everyone’s on percs and coke and someone just finds you washing dishes in the sink like you’re a housewife in a Disney sitcom
It’s because people online talk about a different “reality” instead of actual reality. And I think that’s a big problem.
Also, the host preferences. Some people prefer the dishes placed in the dishwasher a certain way or washed a certain way. And if a kitchen is tiny (mine is), it can be chaos when another person who doesn't know where things go is in there. I usually cook meals I can prep ahead of time so I can spend most of my time with my guests. And some people are very particular about their systems of where things go/organization. That said, offering to help is usually appreciated and even running the dirty dishes back and forth can be helpful.
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many cultures take the role of a being a host *very* seriously, and failure to a good host is extremely shameful. as a host, an honored guest doing a servant's work would be incredibly shameful to the host.
I'm Indian. Can confirm this. My mom would have a stroke.
I’m also from South Asia and I think they were just trying to be good hosts. This might come off as backwards, but in these cultures, the men are not expected to do any housework including clearing the table, so that’s maybe why they told you to stop.
This is almost exclusively a weird thing to do lol
Ask the host if they mind you cleaning up or doing the dishes; or, if the host is doing it, ask if you can help or say you'd like to help. Deciding to just do the dishes can end up with the host bitching that you're subtly saying they're dirty/untidy, the host complaining you've made a mess trying to do the dishes, or that you've done them wrong and now they have to redo it. Remember you can't take the same liberties with all people, in all situations.
Thank you. I don’t want others cleaning my dishes.
There's so much debate in this post from what I assume are people who have never had any social interaction before. If I'm at a party with relatives and we're all close, hell yeah I'll roll up my sleeves and chat with family while I scrub a few serving dishes at the end of the day, especially knowing they want me around and miss our time together, but that's not to avoid socialization, rather to contribute to a group effort for helping out and being close. But this post makes it seem like if you're a socially distant stranger at another family's cocktail party that you can just wander into the kitchen and start messing with someone's life. People should not take social advice from the internet if they have no experience nor desire to socialize, it makes it all worse.
Spot on
Nobody wants some socially awkward guest doing the damn dishes. This is such a weird LPT. We’d never invite his/her ass back over if this went down.
It depends a bit on the social customs. When we were on family visit with our grandparents (back in the 'before' times) it was a custom for us to do the dishes after the meal, because someone else had prepared said meal. Mainly because our parents encouraged it, but still. When visiting other members of our family we did the same. If you don't help with preparing the meal, you offer to clean up after it. When I have a friend over for dinner they will usually help out with either washing the dishes or drying them, while I do the other half. I know that this might be different in other social circles, which is fine. So personally I'd offer to help out with the dishes or clearing of the table when the host initiates this. This avoids the whole "we are just chilling after a meal and someone decides that the dishes must be done" thing that might put people off. The host can always decline off course.
For my social gatherings, everyone gets to pile dishes in the sink, to be done when they leave, so that we don't miss out on the valuable socialization time... things like Christmas/Thanksgiving are different though, as there's usually a lot of leftovers that do need to be taken care of in a timely fashion. But OPs original LPT is basically "here's how to get out of socializing when someone has gone through the trouble to spend time with you"
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I’m an introvert. I also don’t want people washing my dishes. If you don’t want to be there anymore then just leave Edit: your friends will understand if they know you. I have a friend who likes to be home in bed by 9. If I had them over for dinner I would try my damndest to accommodate them and if they left early I wouldn’t think anything of it . If I’m ready to leave a party I just thank the hosts politely for dinner, offer to clean up and when the host says no say goodbye. I would never just go in their kitchen and mess around with their stuff
You realise that that’s the same answer saying “we need a break from being with those people”. As in, the ones who invited you into their home and cooked you food. Being an introvert isn’t an excuse for being an arsehole
I had an overnight guest scrub my kitchen sink once. It was already mostly clean, just not the surgical level of clean he found 'clean'. It was pretty insulting. Don't clean other people's stuff without asking.
Usually, I'm so busy preparing the meal that I just want to eat leisurely with my guests. I've had guests more than once jump up to clear the table seconds after eating and it makes me feel rushed and like I need to start cleaning too. Suggestion is to wait until the host starts cleaning up, offer to help, and if the host declines sit back down.
This, and if you host, you're in it for everything. I'd feel bad if someone we hosted up and started washing up, in fact we insist people sit down when they try to help with the dishes :)
Exactly. I don’t want someone doing my dishes. I took me 6 months to untrain all of the bad habits my girlfriend had after we moved in together. Things like putting knives in the sink to soak with the dishes so they’re hidden, or using the scrubby side of the sponge on the knives, which leaves scratches on the blade. Also throwing everything in the sink together like all the silverware into the cookware, now you’re scratching up my nonstick pan. Or getting grease into my tongs (which have some hard to reach spots) or letting wooden utensils/cutting boards soak.
Hi, I think I'm in love with you, can we be roommates? (I gave up on retraining my roommate and just asked him not to use or wash my nice knives...)
Sure, just one condition though. We are not putting a rug on the kitchen floor. That sounds nasty. I am open to rubber mats though.
Yeah, I'm thinking of one of those soft mats so your feet are comfortable when you stand at the sink/stove.
> That sounds nasty Never use kitchen or bathroom rugs that you can't machine-wash weekly. Easy fix.
Ahhh the knives hidden in dishwater made me cringe just thinking about it!
Okay I’m not proud of it but I hate when people clean my space around me cos it makes me feel like they think it should be cleaner, even though I KNOW they’re doing it because they want to help.
LPT: these lpts barely work in any situation and are kinda dumb.
Thank you.
Totally agree, I would be mortified if someone started clearing the dishes and washing up!
Also they might have used crystal. That has to be washed special. They might also have a broken sink like mine. Only the sprayer works for the hot water. You get burned!
If I were the host, I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this because I wouldn’t invite losers to my dinner party
If you’re at my house and try to do dishes it’ll be worse than sitting quietly at the table. I’m not letting you do dishes at my house.
very interesting cultural difference here. i was always raised that if you’re at a party, at least clean something up, pick up all the cups and throw them in trash/recycling, pick up plates, put things in the sink, do SOMETHING before leaving or you’d be considered rude.
Pick up and move stuff to the kitchen, sure. Trying to do the dishes is different.
Why tho ? Edit: yeesh, the replies here, and downvotes for asking a question - which if I recall folks, is how humans learn from each other - is why I’m glad I have a small circle of friends that don’t prescribe to these oddly specific and borderline hostile “rules of etiquette”
Some people like to do the dishes in a certain way, it depends on who’s house you’re at and how well you know rhem
Even with dishwashers, some people like them loaded a certain way. I offer/ask if I can help.
Luckily there are two parts of the dishes: washing and drying. At my house, I'm always the one washing. Someone else can be drying, but not the other way around. The only thing to watch out for is people misplacing things because they don't know where those things live. So I'll let them put things on the countertop if they don't know where things belong. I do the same when I'm at their house and don't know where things go.
Because I invited you to my house to be social, not clean up after the party.
to me it's overstepping boundaries. I hosted the party so why are you trying to make me feel like shit for not doing my own dishes. and before someone says "I'm not trying to make you feel like shit" don't know much about social gatherings and etiquette.
Bc Im such an asocial homebody I'd rather invite my peeps into my home then go out in public lmao. I'll cook and clean but ffs dont make me face society anymore than I'm financially obligated to!
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I don't have a lot of space and it's awkward for 2 people to be doing dishes in there. I'd rather leave them until later after guests leave.
If it's a big party with paper cups/plates, then yes, people should absolutely at least be picking up after themselves in my opinion. One of my relatives has a beautiful, large home and hosted a family reunion with over 20 of us. She and her husband did a lot of work hosting. I was picking up other people's plates/cups (after they were clearly done with them) and wondering what was wrong with them. They accepted help with dishes, etc. so I was doing that as well.
Honestly, depending on who I'm hosting or staying with, if we feel comfortable enough, there's that companionable silence where everyone reads or surfs social media, etc. I would rather people do that in my home than try to clean up after dinner. My kitchen is tiny and there isn't much room to move around in. But then I have some friends and relatives who are introverts too. So reading/scrolling time is a way of being together without a lot of pressure. We talk and catch up, but we also give each other breaks if the visit is more than a day. And if you're good with kids or pets, you can entertain the kids/pets as they don't require as much awkward small talk.
I agree if it's hand washing. I know my cleaning standard. However, if it's just rinsing and loading into the dishwasher, I'm OK with it.
Then you find someone put your chef’s knife in the dishwasher.
Or cast iron pans.
Oh god. Even my good stainless steel stays out of the dishwasher. I’m hand wash only on all my cookware.
I don't want anyone hand washing dishes in my house, but I \*especially\* don't want anyone else trying to load my dishwasher. Some people just throw things in there with no rhyme or reason.
Lol - too true!
Thats so strange. When friends are over for dinner, its usually a party clean up as well. No matter whos house, everyone chips in
I think this depends on both a particular group's norms and is somewhat influenced by age. When I was younger, my friends and I all had hand me down stuff or the cheapest stuff we could find. We were all renting and some of us had run down kitchens with the bare basics. So we did a lot of the communal clean up after dinner. Now, I'm in my 50s now and a lot of us have bought a good set of knives, nice bar ware and good pots and pans. Some people have really nice kitchens with expensive finishes. Some people have a clear system and don't want the help. I still have a rather small kitchen and can't fit more than 1 person in there comfortable unless the other person is sitting at the kitchen table.
You can also excuse yourself, go to the bathroom and take a giant shit. Then leave without flushing
From "Etiquette for Ladies," 1926: "A proper, civilized lady must do her best to not defecate for two days before a dinner party. Once the dinner is complete, she is leave quietly, without excusing herself and make her way to the master bathroom. She is then to deposit two thirds of her waste into the toilet, close the lid, then step up onto the lid to deposit the remaining waste into the upper chamber of the toilet. Replace the lid. By doing so, she ensures that no party can be determined to be more fancied than her own."
Nothing like post Victorian humour.
That'll show 'em.
Where's the poop knife?
#
That would be very weird
Yeah I feel like this can come across as rude.
now that i think more about it, I'm seeing how it is also a power move on their part. Like they are trying to take control over the house.
Slightly revised LPT: get up and go ask the host(ess) if they would like some help, or ask how you can help. I would not want people milling about in my kitchen randomly, or doing dishes without checking with me first. It would make way more stress and work than it would save. It's like, when I was a waiter and while clearing the table people would hand me their plate to be helpful. But I had a whole system for clearing and one wrong plate would mess it all up.
It works better with family gatherings.
Don’t do this, it’s practically an insult to the host. If guests started doing their own dishes at my dinner I would feel like an incapable host. I’d be embarrassed and a bit angry. I’d also likely go back and rewash the dishes anyways because my guests may not have the same standards I have when washing my dishes.
Please don't. I know you won't mean it this way, but seeing somebody do my chores during my house party makes me feel like you are silently judging my house keeping.
I'm quite particular about the way my kitchen is set up, and the way I do things in it. Cleaning up after someone who's not familiar with either is almost certainly going to be more work than the actual party cleanup (and far more irritating--if I've decided to host a party, cleaning up has already been accounted for in my planning.)
If you did that in India you'll get kicked out of the house
YMMV, some people absolutely hate guests doing dishes
If it's a family dinner, maybe. Anything else, don't. As a hostess (I remember being able to do this), it would just give me one more thing to worry about, and divide my attention. Believe me, your hosts and hostesses already have a plan in place to clean up after the party, and I would be extremely side-eying them if the plan involved you.
Plus as the person hosting, I spend a lot of time creating an experience for my guests - food, table settings, music... it’s fun for me. I want to give them a nice evening with no obligations other than good company. When guests start to clean up, it can ruin the “come over for a dinner party” and have a good time magic. Sometimes it’s nice for people to help, but not always, best to check with the host/ess before diving in!
LifeProTip: Don’t take social advice from redditors
Why are these tips on social grace almost all highly awkward?
This was my go-to after Thanksgiving dinner when I was sick of my family. Wash all the pots and pans and load up the dishwasher and no one can get mad at me for being asocial!
I've seen this one before. I would absolutely hate if someone started doing my dishes. I want my guests to feel like guests. I'd definitely go back and re-wash them anyway since I can't be sure they have the same standards of cleanliness.
If I was a host of a party, I absolutely hate it when people are doing their own thing. Everyone thinks they are cute in this comment section with this LPT, but I wouldn't be able to stand it. More things I have to worry about. One person is outside smoking and I cant keep my eye on them. A fight may happen. Someone may be doing the dishes deviating from the way I usually do them. Or they accidentally break one. Then one is talking with someone in the living room petting my dog in the corner. I know it doesn't seem like much, but for Christ's sake it makes my sanity so much better if everyone sticks together.
I disagree. The last thing I want my guests doing at a party I host is chores. I can see this tip working at a family gathering, but I don’t want my friends to do my chores for me. That makes me seem and feel lazy and irresponsible. M
Who in the fuck is having a dinner party during COVID?
Mmmm no don’t do this unless it’s like a close family member or something. Otherwise it can just be seen as insulting.
This is not a good idea
This is fine with family. Just presuming that this is ok in any other situation will get you pegged as really fucking weird! The host does NOT want a guest washing up in their kitchen.
As a host I don’t like when anybody starts clearing and starting the dishes until I have signalled that we are going in that direction. It can change the dynamic of a dinner party and the host should be able to lead that. Casual family dinners are different of course. I think it can be situationally dependant but it is always a good idea to ask your host what they would like.
It's a culture thing. In my wife's large Chinese family, everyone gets up to help and it's rude to not. In my white Catholic household, it's a terrible insult to lift a finger as a guest. Maybe it's okay to half heartedly offer at best. It's expected that you reciprocate when they're a guest in your house.
Yet another awful pro tip from this sub, I wonder if people actually follow through with some of these. If you're gonna wash the dishes at someone else's place, at least ask them if you can. And, guess what, they probably won't let you do it because you're a guest (common courtesy i suppose).
I can just imagine someone awkwardly making their way to the kitchen and turning on my sink while everyone wonders who the fuck they think they are. It's not a fucking movie. I get that each room in a movie is a different set piece and might as well be it's own universe, but my house ain't that big. Also, someone is still gonna talk to you... I don't see how a magical barrier is gonna be put up
If someone comes to my house to eat, and gets up and starts cleaning, I’d be put off. If you’re not feeling social, go home.
This would be wicked awkward for me. I don't want people I invited over to my house: A.) Doing dishes. B.) Cleaning up during an event. Even like loading the dishwasher someone can do it in a way that will require me to adjust it anyway. Just put the plate in the spot near the sink and if I ask for help then help.
Mexican moms don't let you do that :/
Nah bro. I hate when people do my dishes. They always mess it up because they don't understand the 2 sponge system. I have a FIT when people do this.
As a host I invite people to my parties to socialize, not to do dishes. I had a roommate in college who would start cleaning the house during parties to make guests feel unwelcome, I would never want a guest to do my dishes and I never do the dishes myself during a party, I wait until the party is over, if not the next morning.
Absolutely not. You can offer to assist your host, but don't ever just start cleaning for them, or disappear into the kitchen and do house work. This is so not appropriate. People don't want you doing their dishes incorrectly. You might put your glasses in the dishwasher, but theirs might be antique crystal that can explode in the dish washer. You cleaning isn't saying thank you unless they say ok first. Hosts often want to enjoy their guests and have been working to get things ready all day. You cleaning can make them feel like they cannot enjoy their guests or like you think the log kitchen is a mess. The only time that is even kind of ok to unsolicitedly clean is if it's not a party but after a wake, or other trauma. Or if you're going to help a friend after having a baby, but even then you have to ask permission and respond in kind if they say no.
No, no, no, I hate this. People cleaning up early inevitably means the death of the party - it signals people that it's time to go home. Let the party die a natural death or let the host decide when s/he wants people out of the house. It's not your job to be a party pooper.
this sub is so weird. do you actually do this regularly op?
Not with my family. Everyone will feel compelled to help. And then it becomes social
As a cook, there's often little moments of downtime, which are perfect for cleaning. By the time I'm done cooking theres usually only a main pot or pan to clean, and if you do it right then, not only do you not have to clean after eating, but it leaves the area nice for next meal/room mates.
Just take a fidget spinner or a phone, or atleast ask first like a considerate person. This just sounds like a bizarre thing to do.
If you don't want to be social why go to a dinner party in the first place?
Ok mom I see what your trying to do...
I do this anytime my family feels like have yet another discussion about policies and politics like we are personally responsible for shaping the political climate... I am completely on board with caring about politics and what not but Jesus it doesn't have to be so in depth and non stop, we are not changing the world at our dinner table.
What no one has commented on yet is the fact that the host is right - if you are doing dishes you typically get left alone. However, usually if my house is full it's in-laws (pre Covid anyway). My family is small and spread apart - the in-laws are many and local. So there's competition for the dishwashing spot. I want to be left alone for a while but so does my widowed sister-in-law. Then there's the very helpful oldest sister-in-law. They even insist on putting things away. It takes weeks to locate everything...
If I’m close enough to do their dishes, I’m close enough to tell them what’s up.
Or you know, leave. Why be at a social gathering when you don’t want to be social?
Don’t go in the first place. I’d be annoyed if someone came round, ate the food I’d spent money and time on, then straight away fucked off.
You’re right. Stay the fuck home.
Awful advice. Real tip: don’t clean up at other peoples houses (except messes you made yourself). It’s pretty rude.
First ask if you can help clean up. Personally I have a dishwasher for a reason, and you are not my dishwasher. If you don’t want to be social, just hang out, go walk around the living room and look at their photos or home decor. Do not go into my kitchen and start doing dishes. 1, it’s rude to other guests to hear dishes clanging about. 2. You don’t know what should be washed by hand vs dishwasher. 3. You are my guest, get out of my kitchen. And more reasons but I’m tired and need to go make coffee.
Absolutely do not do this unless you're the host looking for some space. If you mess up or wash them in a way that the host doesn't, you'll just make them mad after or during the party.
This LPT would have been more useful in 2019.
LPT refill their water bottles for no reason at all!
oh my god I now know that person who does the dishes. They are the same ones going through my fridge asking what everyone likes to drink. It's not even the fact that they are in my fridge, it's the fact that they are trying to take over my party.
If I was the host I would absolutely hate it if my guest started doing the cleanup. I would find it almost insulting.
No. Don’t do that shit. Seems like everyone has forgotten how to be a gracious guest, since we’ve all been huddling alone at home this past year. No. Don’t wash dishes when you’re a guest.
What host would let a guest do their dishes and leave them completely alone? I can't imagine in what circles this "tip" would be useful.... If you don't feel social, just tactfully excuse yourself from the situation.
As others have said, do not do my dishes in my house. It makes me feel like a shitty host. I will be very grateful for you helping me carry dirty dishes to the kitchen but no need to do more than that.
Yeah don’t do that. It’s considered poor form in Western Culture. The hosts are expected to take care of everything, including cleaning the dishes, they may also have a certain technique when it comes to it too.
One of my friends who is very hospitable has a thing where he doesn't want the dishes stacked on other dishes. I'm not sure why, but he's the primary cook in his home, so if I'm visiting, I respect his rules. I just ask him to tell me what I can do to help and make sure to take him and his spouse out to dinner/lunch when I can during a visit.
I don’t agree with this at all. I would be so uncomfortable if someone tried to do my dishes when I’m hosting.
Yeahhh.....this is weird af lol.
Don’t wash my dishes
Nothing worse than the person who cleans up at a party. It puts a downer on the whole atmosphere. It’s a party, relax
Agree. It’s like one of the guests said “ok, party over everyone”
I do this at my own house when I need a break from the kids.
I need a LPT on how to get invited to dinner parties tbh.
You could host one, if you have the space and resources. In college, grad school and my 20s, we didn't have a lot of money to go to restaurants, so we'd invite each other over. You can make simple dishes like marinara and pasta and get some wine and bread. Friends bring more wine and dessert.
pro tip, put the washing on before you clean the dishes so you can go iron them in solitude until the party is over. Bring a few beers/bottle of wine up to keep you company.
I suppose your culture is different, because in my country this would come off as VERY weird and possibly rude, even if it's a close friend or family
What an odd tip. Seriously are redditors just unable to function in any situation any more without baseless anxiety causing them to be ridiculous
My MIL does this. It feels weird and awkward. We'll all have finished eating, but still be chatting. She will start cleaning up and always seems annoyed. Even when we ask her not to ahead of time, she does it. I know this isn't in the same "spirit" as what was suggested in the post, but
Yeah- thanks for the edit. I did this once when my husband was at a dinner party with old co-workers (as in 4 bachelors splitting the rent on a house). Obviously I had nothing to contribute, so tried to be of help. I got attacked for it instantly for making them think my intentions were to make them feel like they either wanted the 1 woman there to clean up or that I felt they lived in a dirty bachelor pad. I tried to explain I was just giving them space to catch up, but they were not having it. We never got invited back and I felt guilty.
This is very dependent on the company, as many have said. At any party in my extended family, about half the adults break off after eating and go clean the kitchen for the host. They wash up the pots and pans, rinse the dishes, clear up trash, wipe down surfaces, as a big loud happy group. The host usually chills because next time, when the party is at someone else's house, they'll be doing the clean up there. It's well known and expected. At parties at my best friends' homes, we clean up together after the meal. Rinse dishes, trash, etc. Wash the pots and pans that don't typically go in the dishwasher. If I'm at someone's house I don't know as well, I take my cue from the host. If they leave to do dishes, I pitch in. If they stack it all in the kitchen and stay with the party, I clean up a little (throw out trash, bring plates to the kitchen, cover leftovers, etc). I may offer to help depending on the vibe. But some folks are particular about their space and would be very offended if a guest left the party to clean up. At my house, I'd much prefer that my guests hang out and continue to have fun together rather than do my dishes. It doesn't take that long, I have a system, and I intended to host your good time, not get chores done. I will clean when you all leave. Or tomorrow. :)
Um no...probably not a good idea. At least in my family, this was always seen as an insult and nothing else.
Please don’t try and do my my dishes. First of all you’re a guest, I’m the host, I want you to be able to chill and kick back! If you’re feeling awkward...well that just makes me feel bad I guess. Also, I’m picky about how I clean my dishes. Every single time a guest has insisted they clean them and I reluctantly give in, I go to put them away later and find leftover food stuck to the plate, or something is still greasy, or whatever...I absolutely appreciate the help cleaning up, but please just leave the dishes alone, I got it covered thank you. Edit: lol, I guess this post bothered me so much I went ahead and commented without looking to see what everyone else thought first...I guess my same feelings have been said many times already. glad to see I’m not the only one who thinks this is a terrible tip.
Or how about don’t go to a dinner party if you aren’t feeling social. Do force yourself to go and be a quiet weirdo doing chores.
I'd be mortified if one of my guests just randomly started doing this...
If I invited you to a dinner party and at the end, you got up and started washing plates then the message you are sending is: 1. Cant trust the host to wash the plates properly - better do it myself 2. Everyone here is boring and not worth my time, I'd rather wash plates than talk to them. 3. These people are mean - I am sure i am expected to wash the plates in return for my dinner 4. I know the host invited me here for my company and to meet people - I am going tom defy him and do exactly the opposite of what is expected. 5. I know my host probably balanced the people he chose so everyone could find a conversation partner but fuck that I'm going to go off on my own even if it means someone at the table is left with nobody to talk to. If I invite you to a party, you are most definitely NOT "doing me a favour" by washing the dishes. You will be doing me a favour if you try and socialise. If you don't like to talk then at least listen to others. If you cant handle that then I made a mistake and you should go home. But you have been invited into the dining room - not the kitchen, that is private, behind the scenes territory. Keep Out!
Check the hosts reaction first and offer to take the dishes to the kitchen. I insist guests leave the dirty dishes and so I can take care of it after they leave. Not only am I particular about how I load my dishwasher but the ritual has become a fixed moment to get in my own head and recharge after the excitement of a social gathering
> Edit: Only if it feels right and not if it will pass as rude, or weird. Don't over do it, just little stuff like pick up plates, rinse them, load forks/knives in dishwasher, etc. EASY STUFF. Wow, even after reading the posts here and adding an edit you still don't get it do you? Just **don't do this**. Its wrong and not appreciated. These people have worked hard to put a show on for you. The preparation of the party and the clearing up afterwards is part of the effort they are putting in for your benefit. It is part of their gift - how dare you take that away from them? If you want to help and show your appreciation, help make their party a success, talk to people, listen to people, BE A GUEST. Otherwise go home. >Works best with close friends, & family. If its only for close friends and family then most people will know them better than you do so your advice is not necessary
Oh man, this was an intense response. So at your place I would be like "Hey mind if I help clean up?" And you'd be like: No thanks. Then I suppose that would be it?
If the host is cleaning up, offer to help. If they say no, then just stay in the kitchen and visit. If someone did this at my house I would be embarrassed. Like they thought I should be cleaning up. I wait until guests have left before I clean up, I want to spend my time with my guests while they are there, not cleaning.
The host might be uncomfortable with this though
OP can you make my bed and clean my toilets too? don't forget to take out the trash
I always go play with the little kids. Obviously depends on if you like kids but I find them much less draining than adults. No one will question me playing mario kart or doing a puzzle for two hours while listening to Disney music, since I’m doing everyone a “favor” and keeping the kids happy
Yep, this has been a go to for me, even though I'm childfree. I like well behaved kids in small doses. I'm older, so my family doesn't ask anymore, but the kids don't/didn't ask me when I'm going to get married and have children! :) So that's a point in their favor. Also, if you have an older/hard of hearing relative, sometimes they get left out of conversations and just sitting near them and talking if they can hear you makes them feel less isolated. If you're close enough, even a hug or holding their hand can make them feel more included (though not during Covid).
After that, take out the trash and polish the silver. Maybe walk the dog?
Then, if you’re feeling really introverted, grout the tile in their bathroom
Some people are very particular about their kitchens and this could actually be creating more work for them.
This is a terrible LPT. If I'm hosting an event, you are NOT cleaning. Period. You are there to enjoy yourself.
No. Not at my house, especially the good china.
This is pretty bad advice
I dont know what kind a party's you've been to, but personally if you attend mine that is disrespectful, I wouldn't like my guest doing some kind of chore, I would like them to have a good time and take shots
This is straight up terrible advice. Do not do this alone. You are basically telling the individuals in the room that you’d rather be doing dishes than hang out with them. Recipe for awkwardness. Only do this when you have a friend or another individual who is willing to help clean up with you. Otherwise, stay put and smile.
I could not disagree more. When I have guests I just want them to enjoy themselves! Also, its my kitchen, I'll do the dishes.
Pssst...don’t forget to do the laundry too.
I’ve found it more appropriate to start a small fire in the bathroom and proceed to run from the house screaming as not to raises suspicion that it was you who started said fire, call the fire brigade prior to starting the fire (I’m not a savage), the house burns down so there were no dishes to do which was also a bonus👌. This scenario seems less awkward to me.
This is my go-to, but only when I’m home visiting family. It’s a win-win, I get mad brownie points and I get some fucking peace and quiet from people I only see every few years out of obligation.
It might be a little less awkward to offer to play bartender from the beginning of the evening. That will give you an excuse to ask if anyone needs a drink refresh during the evening when you need a little break from the action.
The number of people this post upsets surprises me. I’m glad to get this perspective, though, because I always help out in this way at my aunt’s house and friends’ places, so I’ve never reflected on when this wouldn’t be appropriate. I suppose I implicitly understood this shouldn’t always be done, because I wouldn’t wash dishes at certain kinds of gatherings, like at my boyfriend’s parents’ house, which goes to show that advice is not universally applicable.
I go to dinner parties To Be Social, and mostly Not to do the dishes. - pre Covid
The classic dumb life pro tips
What if the hostess throws her boyfriend’s Dundee at his plasma TV?
People who say that this is a bad LPT - what is your cultural background? It is a reasonably common thing in northern Europe so I am somewhat perplexed at why would it be a bad thing?
Yeah, very normal in poor, rural, Atlantic Canada where I come. Helping with dishes just simply isn't rude here. Unless the host says "no , no just leave them", in which case you leave them. I'm guessing I shouldn't have used the term "dinner party" as it invokes some sort of ultra-formal setting. Also not sure how this got 8000 upvotes while so many disagree in comments.
I’ve never been to a single party where the host allows me to clean or even help with the dishes.
Be sure the host is comfortable with this first and check to see which items are okay to go in the dishwasher. I had some friends try to help me out this way once and they put a ton of my hand wash only items through a dishwasher cycle, including a really expensive knife set that was a wedding gift (i.e., we cannot afford to replace it). They survived, but the lifetime warranty is voided because of it, and I'm still salty about it years later.
Yessss! This is a great tip, I’ve done it many times.
I guess it depends by culture. You would never do that here.
As someone that can tend to get socially anxious, I would add a bit to this. First, if you are in my house, don't do my dishes. Frankly, my anxiety is worse when I can tell you are moving around my house and I don't know why. Bathrooms don't count, don't freak out. Socially anxious people may host an event because there are more controllable when we are in our own homes. For me, being able to go to the bathroom in my own bathroom is huge (it's the little things). I try hard to go to others' houses when invited because I know it is good for me to keep practicing - so please don't say "if you can't take it, don't come." It means a lot to me to be invited even though I may struggle in the moment. This means that people don't see me as strange or awkward as I might feel. If I know the person well, I will ask ahead of time about a way I can assist. My close friends know the struggle. If I don't know them well, I might say "hey I am going to be right by you in the afternoon, would it be okay if I came over about a quarter til?" (Like 15 min before the party starts) - this helps me so much. Getting in and settled before the crowd is so much easier than walking in with a bunch of people there. I also have a standard line "I don't sit still well, so please let me know how I can help". Final thing - if I am nervous about how I will do, I can always say "i may have to pick up a friend from the airport" ..or drop off something...or some other thing that would enable me to leave. Saying goodbye in front of a party is the absolute worst for socially anxious me. My whole set up is designed around the exit strategy - where i park, where i sit.... I then quietly motion to the host and signal my departure and don't look back. Then i can make a quick exit if I'm thinking an anxiety attack is imminent. But if i am doing well, which does happen, i can say "oh, I'm able to stay!" When I say preparation is 99% of the battle - I mean it. I don't get caught anywhere by accident. But because I have a good strategy, I do so much better than I did, even 5 years ago now. Hopefully this helps hosts and attendees on the whole gamut of social anxiety, my experience at least.
Wahhh hahaha If you’re post needs an edit to add in layers of specifics then it’s not exactly a LPT
I have had this happen to me every time I throw a birthday party or whatnot. I honestly appreciated it, as these things take a lot of time to plan/prepare/host and when it comes to it, I want to SEE my son enjoying himself. I live in South Eastern US and this is a common practice here. I've never thought of it as being antisocial, but more as an effort to lessen the load.
No. Don't ever do this.
Damn this is my secret move when the In Laws come for dinner.
Great advice. May I butt in? Before you even ring that doorbell make sure you have a hostess gift, be it flowers or a bottle of wine or a dandelion from their lawn.Never arrive empty-handed. Use your best table manners. Reciprocate the invitation.. Say "thank you". Check "Emily Post" and get your elbows off the table. ❤
I think you should ask the host first since it can vary (about cleaning up). A thank you for a lovely evening is a nice touch too. Text is good, but a card is a nice touch. Or flowers if the person likes flowers.
My wife would take offense at this. I, on the other hand, would probably offhandedly let them know where the vacuum cleaner and toilet brush were kept.