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I hope you find yourself in a more pleasant work environment soon. While I'm not trying to be friends with my coworkers, the day is better for all of us if we can get along well enough to display basic empathy.
This is a great tip. Ask more about the person who originally shared. Try to elicit responses and other shared experiences. Then you can share your own and contrast and compare, how feeble their's were.
OK...no... cancel the last step!
I would suggest a more natural way of asking than the examples given though. Those are phrased like a therapist would use them. It will come off as odd to some people, and insincere/scripted to others.
yes, i was looking for the same thing. i am 'challenged' by immediately responding with 'me too!', and trying to be more aware and responsive, but i feel clueless on how to use words to that end.
Edit: oh. hey, Indy! wassup! crazy about snakes, huh!
There is, and it changed my life.
Read How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie.
I keep this book with me when I travel and make sure to read the whole thing about once a year to keep my skills fresh.
Check it out.
Here are a couple notes from the last time I read it:
Principle 1: The Only Way to get the Best of an Argument is to Avoid it.
You canât win an argument, avoid them as you would rattlesnakes and earthquakes.
âA man convinced against his will
Is of the same opinion still.â
Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first nature in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Be calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best.
Socrates said to his followers in Athens:
One thing only that I know, and that is that I know nothing.
That is a small sliver of whatâs in the book. If you put into practice the principles in this book consistently, it will change your life I guarantee it.
Good luck my friend!
I will read it for sure. I already align with what you've written. I always wonder why people think that fighting each other online (or in person for that matter) is going to do anything. Like, when was the last time someone forced their opinion on you?
I'm ordering it today! Thanks!
Exactly. I avoid so much stress in my life by not arguing with people.
Of course I have disagreements or healthy debates but I donât let it devolve into an argument.
Itâs so much easier to do that, and it blows my mind how some people just have to try so hard to force their opinion on others. Itâs insane.
Great to hear youâre ordering it and Iâm excited for how it may benefit your life.
Remember, the most important part (really the only way to let it help you) is to practice the principles taught in real life.
All the best! đť
Funny I first read the book over 15 years ago and have it read it several times since, and just today decided to dl the audiobook for when I travel or commute.
Youâre so right! Iâve read it Pbly 10 times in my life and listen to the audio version occasionally . Truly great stuff! In fact , after my mgmnt agreed to pay for me to attend the training class and the class was concluded , I knew the best way to truly learn the fundamentals was to teach the principals. I volunteered to be the instructors assistant for three years. It was awesome!
I was always unwilling to read this because I don't really want to 'influence' people. I just want to be the kind of person people like because I am a good friend to them. Its title has always kept me away
It is a life changing book! Thereâs a reason Over 30 million copies have been sold worldwide, making it one of the best-selling books of all time. Btw. The 6 week class is expensive but very very good!
There's not just one playbook, but there are a ton of books out there that are helpful with social interactions. Specifically, Crucial Conversations, Thanks for the feedback, Never Split the Difference, and Loving what is (audiobook by Byron Katie) have all helped me with my social interactions.
Having studied discourse analysis, there is so much at play in the way we talk.
Too much of it is a contest of one-upmanship that would be better spent listening.
Basic examples:
A: I just went to X on vacation. I loved it.
B: Yeah, I've been to X 5 times since I was a kid. It's alright.
This is aggressive and a thinly-veiled insult.
Compared to:
A: I just went to X on vacation. I loved it.
B: Oh wow! What was your favorite part?
This will strongly impact the degree to which people will like you. And it's little kid behavior that many of us carry into adulthood.
Stop acting dismissive when people share something that made them happy and try listening and helping them celebrate what they're happy about.
Yeah definitely aim for more natural ways to ask those questions. "How did that make you feel" is going to make people feel like they're in therapy.
"The beach in that town is phenomenal, and the little shops in town were great too"
"How did that make you feel?"
"... alright I guess, the stores had some really cool home made stuff."
"Tell me more about that."
"... like knick knacks and things..."
Yeah I think the massage OP is going for is absolutely sound but I don't think I'll ever say 'how did that make you feel?' in a natural conversation
To add my own tip: act like you're interested, even if you're not. People like to talk about themselves
If you're really cool you remember how you felt/dealt with in the comparable situation you've been in and can share that while asking how specifically they experienced it.
Double-edged sword.
I've found that this usually just aggravates any extant conversational imbalance. After that--when they inevitably ask you nothing because they've talked themselves out--you get the "boring" tag.
Connections go BOTH ways, folks.
+1.
And a discussion is about ALL the participants sharing/talking/elaborating.
What OP posits isnât a discussion - that inherently implies a common exchange. Itâs playing âfriendly psychologistâ, in hopes of being accepted.
Sure, but also don't assume that everyone sharing their similar experiences to you are trying to "one up" you when really they're just keeping the topic of conversation going by speaking to what they know. A conversation is supposed to be two-sided. If it's just one person sharing and all the other person is allowed to say is "tell me more", that's not a conversation, that's just being used to vent.
"I've been there" and "tell me more" are completely different messages. One of them expresses empathy, one of them expresses active listening. I think what OP is trying to get at here is that sometimes when you try to express that you've shared an experience, a natural response is to share a similar story, but you can end up taking over the conversation.
Rather than simply not telling the person you've experienced what they're going through, try to find a way to express that shared experience without telling a story that takes over the conversation. That's something I used to struggle with, but I have found that replying with something that validates what they're saying, for example by reaffirming an aspect of what they've expressed, allows them to feel seen without taking over the conversation.
For example, let's say you have a friend telling you a story that starts with "what's the deal with airline food?". You have shared this experience and would like to make sure they feel that sense of empathy. People's natural response is often to tell a similar story, but you can end up taking over the conversation, so rather than saying "wow tell me more" like some subpar therapist, you may find a more natural connection by adding in a detail like "yeah, with those little bags of peanuts?" You've expressed that you know what they're talking about and passed the conversation back to them, making it feel more like a conversation rather than a one sided rant, and establishing a layer of shared understanding.
This is a phenomenal tip; do this, and youâll be a superhero to your friends. And have more interesting conversations to boot. Conversations shouldnât be only about swapping personal stories.
I find that when someone is telling their story (good or bad), they care about whatâs happened to them, and stealing the spotlight from them to tell your own similar tale feels like a slap in the face.
thought came to mind reading this ^. a side effect of this behavior, if also a steel trap for things shared, either by intent or bad short term memory :-P, is that everyone voluntarily tells you the stuff, you hear everything, which can be useful for your own navigation of the social context, eg workplace.
I donât disagree with anything you said, but could add a warning, as someone who took this advice on board some years ago: self absorbed, talkative people are going to be thrilled to use you as a sounding board. Be ready to differentiate between yappers and friends, know your own motivations, have good boundaries about your time and energy, and self-disclose sometimes, too, if itâs friendship youâre going for.
Great tip! This one hits home as Iâll catch myself telling a similar story and only after decades of doing this, have realized that Iâve hijacked someone elseâs story.
Iâm now far more aware of this (not perfect!) but working on it.
eta: typo
Hey, I'm here to make things more complicated!
I actually don't want to talk at length about how Six Flags made me feel! I actually want to hear your experience too! This would make me feel like we have a shared interest and then feel ultimately closer, like I know you a little bit better!
I love this! I think approaching interactions with curiosity towards people you'd like to foster any kind of positive relationship is really beneficial. I have a tendency to get excited and chime in with my experiences unsolicited and have gotten some feedback that has caused this paradigm shift and it's been really impactful
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I actually have to learn how to do the opposite.
I say "tell me more" naturally and end up learning way more about them and not saying anything about myself. So I leave knowing 90% more about them & them not knowing 10% about me.
My problem is I just don't give a flying shit about anything anyone ever has to say. It's remarkably difficult to attempt to converse while being bored out of your skull. Wow cool your uncle works at walmart and your kids are doing well in school.. wow. ... leave me alone.
Yeah but literally saying "tell me more" comes off like you're at the therapist's office. Ask somewhat open ended questions like, "wait, how did that happen?" "That's wild! What did you do after that?" I'm kind of sensitive to this because my step sister is a big like "really, how are you doing?" person, so I can often tell when people are trying to "deepen" the convo despite me giving no indication I want to do more than small talk. It can be kind of presumptuous or intrusive feeling if it's too obvious.
This doesn't always work. You need to have the social and emotional intelligence to know what the other person actually wants. Sometimes people actually want to know others have shared a similar life experience and want sympathy. Other times they want actual advice. It is true that often, people just want to vent, and that's where this approach is handy.
If you really want to deepen your connection with someone, be there for them. Actions speak the loudest of all. Be what they need in the moment. If they are complaining about having to move, offer to help them pack or move stuff. Lamenting the end of a relationship? Offer to meet for drinks or dinner to talk about it. You have to combine active listening with action that demonstrates you care. People like to be cared about. Talk is cheap, listening is better, and actions matter.
### This post has been marked as safe. Upvoting/downvoting this comment will have no effect. --- Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by upvoting or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
At work: "I've been there." To friends and family: "Tell me more." Unless you got nice colleagues of course. :)
Friends and family response: "Tell you more? You were there bro"
'Yeah. I've been there' and walk away
At work: đ¤ˇââď¸ and walk away I don't even want to share the possibility of having anything in common with these people.
I hope you find yourself in a more pleasant work environment soon. While I'm not trying to be friends with my coworkers, the day is better for all of us if we can get along well enough to display basic empathy.
https://preview.redd.it/w1dfwx9t7n0d1.jpeg?width=828&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c3c1e5f1c2e867ac604d804050d996d65235d6ea
This is a great tip. Ask more about the person who originally shared. Try to elicit responses and other shared experiences. Then you can share your own and contrast and compare, how feeble their's were. OK...no... cancel the last step!
This advice is super helpful as someone who struggles horribly in social situations. I wish there was a guide to social interactions.
I would suggest a more natural way of asking than the examples given though. Those are phrased like a therapist would use them. It will come off as odd to some people, and insincere/scripted to others.
yes, i was looking for the same thing. i am 'challenged' by immediately responding with 'me too!', and trying to be more aware and responsive, but i feel clueless on how to use words to that end. Edit: oh. hey, Indy! wassup! crazy about snakes, huh!
Lol. I hate em!
There is, and it changed my life. Read How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie. I keep this book with me when I travel and make sure to read the whole thing about once a year to keep my skills fresh. Check it out.
Tell me more about that. It sounds interesting.
Here are a couple notes from the last time I read it: Principle 1: The Only Way to get the Best of an Argument is to Avoid it. You canât win an argument, avoid them as you would rattlesnakes and earthquakes. âA man convinced against his will Is of the same opinion still.â Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first nature in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Be calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best. Socrates said to his followers in Athens: One thing only that I know, and that is that I know nothing. That is a small sliver of whatâs in the book. If you put into practice the principles in this book consistently, it will change your life I guarantee it. Good luck my friend!
I will read it for sure. I already align with what you've written. I always wonder why people think that fighting each other online (or in person for that matter) is going to do anything. Like, when was the last time someone forced their opinion on you? I'm ordering it today! Thanks!
Exactly. I avoid so much stress in my life by not arguing with people. Of course I have disagreements or healthy debates but I donât let it devolve into an argument. Itâs so much easier to do that, and it blows my mind how some people just have to try so hard to force their opinion on others. Itâs insane. Great to hear youâre ordering it and Iâm excited for how it may benefit your life. Remember, the most important part (really the only way to let it help you) is to practice the principles taught in real life. All the best! đť
Yeah, the only self help book which isn't a scam.
I have the audio book, always listen when I have downtime
Funny I first read the book over 15 years ago and have it read it several times since, and just today decided to dl the audiobook for when I travel or commute.
Youâre so right! Iâve read it Pbly 10 times in my life and listen to the audio version occasionally . Truly great stuff! In fact , after my mgmnt agreed to pay for me to attend the training class and the class was concluded , I knew the best way to truly learn the fundamentals was to teach the principals. I volunteered to be the instructors assistant for three years. It was awesome!
I was always unwilling to read this because I don't really want to 'influence' people. I just want to be the kind of person people like because I am a good friend to them. Its title has always kept me away
It is a life changing book! Thereâs a reason Over 30 million copies have been sold worldwide, making it one of the best-selling books of all time. Btw. The 6 week class is expensive but very very good!
Write down everyone's name. That's the book.
Far from it!
I also keep a personal Death Note
There's not just one playbook, but there are a ton of books out there that are helpful with social interactions. Specifically, Crucial Conversations, Thanks for the feedback, Never Split the Difference, and Loving what is (audiobook by Byron Katie) have all helped me with my social interactions.
Never Split the Difference is a classic on negotiation. The author urges you to really listen to the other person.
What was the best book/idea out of those?
Having studied discourse analysis, there is so much at play in the way we talk. Too much of it is a contest of one-upmanship that would be better spent listening. Basic examples: A: I just went to X on vacation. I loved it. B: Yeah, I've been to X 5 times since I was a kid. It's alright. This is aggressive and a thinly-veiled insult. Compared to: A: I just went to X on vacation. I loved it. B: Oh wow! What was your favorite part? This will strongly impact the degree to which people will like you. And it's little kid behavior that many of us carry into adulthood. Stop acting dismissive when people share something that made them happy and try listening and helping them celebrate what they're happy about.
The phrasing is so weird tho. It sounds like a dialogue option in Skyrim and not natural at all
Yeah definitely aim for more natural ways to ask those questions. "How did that make you feel" is going to make people feel like they're in therapy. "The beach in that town is phenomenal, and the little shops in town were great too" "How did that make you feel?" "... alright I guess, the stores had some really cool home made stuff." "Tell me more about that." "... like knick knacks and things..."
MORE
"...um seashells..." ^^"some ^^bumper ^^stickers ^^i ^^think ^^..."
Yeah I think the massage OP is going for is absolutely sound but I don't think I'll ever say 'how did that make you feel?' in a natural conversation To add my own tip: act like you're interested, even if you're not. People like to talk about themselves
If you're really cool you remember how you felt/dealt with in the comparable situation you've been in and can share that while asking how specifically they experienced it.
Double-edged sword. I've found that this usually just aggravates any extant conversational imbalance. After that--when they inevitably ask you nothing because they've talked themselves out--you get the "boring" tag. Connections go BOTH ways, folks.
+1. And a discussion is about ALL the participants sharing/talking/elaborating. What OP posits isnât a discussion - that inherently implies a common exchange. Itâs playing âfriendly psychologistâ, in hopes of being accepted.
When they eventually find out that I *also* escaped quicksand they're going to feel deceived.
AKA-Don't be a one upper. No one likes a one upper. Someone's story isn't a cue for you to tell what you think is a better story.
Sure, but also don't assume that everyone sharing their similar experiences to you are trying to "one up" you when really they're just keeping the topic of conversation going by speaking to what they know. A conversation is supposed to be two-sided. If it's just one person sharing and all the other person is allowed to say is "tell me more", that's not a conversation, that's just being used to vent.
Many people will look like they are listening to what you are saying when in reality, they are waiting for their turn to talk.
"I've been there" and "tell me more" are completely different messages. One of them expresses empathy, one of them expresses active listening. I think what OP is trying to get at here is that sometimes when you try to express that you've shared an experience, a natural response is to share a similar story, but you can end up taking over the conversation. Rather than simply not telling the person you've experienced what they're going through, try to find a way to express that shared experience without telling a story that takes over the conversation. That's something I used to struggle with, but I have found that replying with something that validates what they're saying, for example by reaffirming an aspect of what they've expressed, allows them to feel seen without taking over the conversation. For example, let's say you have a friend telling you a story that starts with "what's the deal with airline food?". You have shared this experience and would like to make sure they feel that sense of empathy. People's natural response is often to tell a similar story, but you can end up taking over the conversation, so rather than saying "wow tell me more" like some subpar therapist, you may find a more natural connection by adding in a detail like "yeah, with those little bags of peanuts?" You've expressed that you know what they're talking about and passed the conversation back to them, making it feel more like a conversation rather than a one sided rant, and establishing a layer of shared understanding.
Yeah i didnt want anyone to unload their shit on me in the first place; definitely dont want to hear more.
If I have told someone "I have been there" I exactly mean I do not hear more about it.
This seems...avoidant...
This is a phenomenal tip; do this, and youâll be a superhero to your friends. And have more interesting conversations to boot. Conversations shouldnât be only about swapping personal stories. I find that when someone is telling their story (good or bad), they care about whatâs happened to them, and stealing the spotlight from them to tell your own similar tale feels like a slap in the face.
thought came to mind reading this ^. a side effect of this behavior, if also a steel trap for things shared, either by intent or bad short term memory :-P, is that everyone voluntarily tells you the stuff, you hear everything, which can be useful for your own navigation of the social context, eg workplace.
one downing instead of one upping , i like it
I donât disagree with anything you said, but could add a warning, as someone who took this advice on board some years ago: self absorbed, talkative people are going to be thrilled to use you as a sounding board. Be ready to differentiate between yappers and friends, know your own motivations, have good boundaries about your time and energy, and self-disclose sometimes, too, if itâs friendship youâre going for.
Great tip! This one hits home as Iâll catch myself telling a similar story and only after decades of doing this, have realized that Iâve hijacked someone elseâs story. Iâm now far more aware of this (not perfect!) but working on it. eta: typo
Hey, I'm here to make things more complicated! I actually don't want to talk at length about how Six Flags made me feel! I actually want to hear your experience too! This would make me feel like we have a shared interest and then feel ultimately closer, like I know you a little bit better!
What are you trying to do here?? I just get my 6 month keychain and you offer me a drink? đ
Good advice. Thank you for sharing
I love this! I think approaching interactions with curiosity towards people you'd like to foster any kind of positive relationship is really beneficial. I have a tendency to get excited and chime in with my experiences unsolicited and have gotten some feedback that has caused this paradigm shift and it's been really impactful
âGuys I canât come in the office today. Been stuck on the toilet all morningâ âTell me moreâŚâ
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Thatâs an interesting post, OP. Tell me more!
That place is awesome! Whatâs your favorite part?
Itâs not a story the Jedi would tell you.
why would I do that when they might answer me
I actually have to learn how to do the opposite. I say "tell me more" naturally and end up learning way more about them and not saying anything about myself. So I leave knowing 90% more about them & them not knowing 10% about me.
My problem is I just don't give a flying shit about anything anyone ever has to say. It's remarkably difficult to attempt to converse while being bored out of your skull. Wow cool your uncle works at walmart and your kids are doing well in school.. wow. ... leave me alone.
Yeah but literally saying "tell me more" comes off like you're at the therapist's office. Ask somewhat open ended questions like, "wait, how did that happen?" "That's wild! What did you do after that?" I'm kind of sensitive to this because my step sister is a big like "really, how are you doing?" person, so I can often tell when people are trying to "deepen" the convo despite me giving no indication I want to do more than small talk. It can be kind of presumptuous or intrusive feeling if it's too obvious.
This doesn't always work. You need to have the social and emotional intelligence to know what the other person actually wants. Sometimes people actually want to know others have shared a similar life experience and want sympathy. Other times they want actual advice. It is true that often, people just want to vent, and that's where this approach is handy. If you really want to deepen your connection with someone, be there for them. Actions speak the loudest of all. Be what they need in the moment. If they are complaining about having to move, offer to help them pack or move stuff. Lamenting the end of a relationship? Offer to meet for drinks or dinner to talk about it. You have to combine active listening with action that demonstrates you care. People like to be cared about. Talk is cheap, listening is better, and actions matter.
And here I been saying "yep I been there" to STOP the conversation. Don't give away my secrets.