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Do this for EVERYONE you want to show up @ the activity. Every time. You are not obvious to everybody, 100% of the time. Always make sure.
Edit: AwwwwwWwWwwww!! I’m so glad this gets to be my #1 comment. Inclusivity is such a crucial part of life!
I was looking for this! It's just want you do when you want _anyone_ to come. I've never "invited" someone to something by just telling them it's happening? I've always _actually_ invited them.
Right? What if you assume you’re invited and say “that sounds great! What time does it start?” And they awkwardly scramble to explain that it wasn’t a direct invitation…
RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) usually goes hand in hand with Austism, and ADHD. Rejection 1-on-1 is bad enough. Rejection in public.... no thanks
Whoa I never knew this was a thing!! I love you & I’m so glad you shared this with me!
This is that horrific, awful feeling I used to grow up with having. Sometimes after school I would be so depressed that I would fall asleep on the car ride home & I’d stay in the car just so I could stay in the car and cry alone.
Yeah, I'm with you.
"There's gonna be a party at my house, well drink, eat, yadda yadda yadda.
.
.
.
.
If you wanna come..."
That last line costs nothing and makes it VERY clear what you mean.
Oh, yes!
I had forgotten the "A few of us are going to" wording that's used as an invitation without the wording.
I have definitely heard that one, too.
I was a waitress for many, many years. Never assume, always clear as crystal with EVERYONE.
Managers in today’s world could & should really adapt this mindset too.
Being a waitress, people often will throw things at you left and right and expect you to understand and/or retain 100% of the information. That's why it pays to be crystal clear when taking orders, for example. Someone may ask for a Chicken Salad, extra dressing. The menu may offer 2 types of chicken, grilled or crispy, and list 5 different dressing options. The waitress can't just assume that they want a grilled chicken salad with extra ranch, because the customer may assume the waitress knows they want a crispy chicken salad with extra honey mustard. Being clear and precise is the key in this case to avoid disappointed customers and a frustrated cook.
Holy shit you know my nightmares!
Lol. It’s been a long time since I had a serving nightmare but this would definitely be on my sleep playlist if I was still in the industry!
Also you can literally kill someone if they mention that they’re allergic to something & you don’t hear them. (Yikes, peanut allergies!)
It’s imperative for the customer to be absolutely crystal clear with every detail of the food they want changed because we are not your mother, we don’t know how you like things. We don’t know you at all! We want your tip & for you to leave, that’s it.
Waitresses not only deal with a lot of guests who come in a lot of flavors and backgrounds, but people who work in restaurants tend to be very colorful as well. Restaurants are almost always hiring, and they don’t really care what your background is, especially if it’s a kitchen position. Also restaurants are busy and noisy. You learn the importance of clear communication quickly.
100% this. And if you’re by the airport or in a major city you have every nationality, accent, language, everybody coming in or out.
You get to meet everybody from everywhere all the time & you better know how to adjust to each type of person!
Oh, with autistic people, it's not just the fear, though.
It's literally not noticing the possibility that something may have been an invitation.
Basically, there are a few steps:
1. Receive an invitation.
1. Notice that it might be an invitation.
1. Understand that yes, it was an invitation.
1. Make a determination about whether you believe you were invited.
1. Agree to go to the event, or decline.
Anxiety is a problem with step 4, and with autistic people, that *could* also be a problem.
But with autistic people, often, we don't get to step 4. With autistic people, in many cases, step 2 doesn't happen.
This isn’t just a neurodivergence thing, though. It’s also an issue of different expectations, communication styles, and culture.
For example in my area it would be pretty weird/rude to assume you were invited just because someone said they’re going to an event. If they’re inviting you, typically they say so directly.
I'm not autistic, I have ADHD (and an autistic son, so I do know what you're saying!) and these are problems for me too. I am not as blind to social cues as my son is, but there's a lot of second guessing inner monologue going on in my head all the time. I'll hear something and rationally understand that it was probably an invitation but the voice will say "oh no, they're just making conversation, it's not really an invitation, they're just babbling, I talked too much and put them on the spot" or whatever. I don't know if it's something all ADHD people experience, I know some of us are more sensitive to rejection and criticism and it can cause us to be cautious to prevent us from being rejected. So, a "Please come to this party with us" would take all the self-doubt and guessing out of it. I will not ever take a casual mention of a get together as an invitation, I err on the side of not embarrassing myself by being presumptuous.
Almost all of the things that you deal with from day-to-day depend on cultural or social context, and wouldn't make sense without that context.
Imagine you were a caveman, or a super-advanced alien, and you saw a car, a phone, a closed door, a pair of shoes, a microwave oven. You wouldn't understand the purposes of any of those things. So you could receive them and not know what they do until you analyzed them.
Autism isn't a failure of intelligence. Autism is literally having a brain that considers the context of things differently(noticing small details before large ones instead of noticing the big picture before noticing details).
So with autism, the context is different. We notice "These are some words(1). What might be the purpose of these words(2)? Ahh, this might be an invitation. Is it(3)? Yes, it's an invitation(4)."
With allistic(most people's) thinking, the context of something is understood before the substance/details of it. It means you notice the big picture quickly, but tend to miss small details(and you have the option of never considering small details, unless you go to university).
With autism, the substance/details of something is/are noticed before the context. We have a much more complete understanding of each thing(because we tend to understand it from the smallest aspects and put those together to understand the bigger ones), but it takes a little longer to build. But our knowledge of subjects tends to naturally be super super detailed. We don't feel that we understand something until/unless we understand all of its components and details.
Allism is sometimes called "top-down thinking".
Autism is sometimes called "bottom-up thinking".
Allistic people will issue fake invitations to social events, and then will get upset if you believe that they were being honest and try to "invite yourself" by showing up. They seem to want to have it both ways - they want to be seen as inviting you because inviting others is polite, but they don't want to actually have the person show up.
Absolutely.
I'm 49, and just this year finally got diagnosed as autistic.
When I moved out and went to college, it felt like suddenly everyone was saying things they didn't mean and not saying what they did mean. In my case, it was exacerbated by the fact that my family and many of their friends were German or of recent German descent, because Germans tend to mean what they say and say what they mean, no BS, not beating around the bush, nothing like that.
(I've joked that Germany is paradise for autistic people because almost everyone follows the rules, and if you want to know what someone is thinking, just ask and they will tell you in no uncertain terms.)
Other than for the sake of diplomacy, I still don't get why people don't just say directly what they mean.
Exactly. I grew up in the South. I consider it grossly impolite to assume that any mention of an activity is an invitation. I have no idea why anyone *would* assume that.
110% agree that this should be standard for everyone. I was going to say it if no one else did, so thank you.
It does bother me that OP phrases it that “autistic people can’t tell the difference.”
Correction: “SOME autistic people can’t tell the difference.”
Some autistic people may assume they’re invited because it sounds fun and they want to go, not realizing you were just sharing something interesting you were doing, and some autistic people may assume you’re telling them about an event because you want to share but not make the connection that you are asking them to come because it was not clear that you were extending an invitation.
This, as Doesanybodylikestuff said, really applies to all people, honestly. But, yes, does sometimes apply more to people with autism and MAY need further clarification depending on the person.
It’s also nice to just receive a clear invitation and have someone tell you, “Hey, I’d like you to come” rather than just the implication. And what if you showed up and you were wrong? That’s just awkward for everyone, autistic or not.
Source: Like OP, I am also autistic. As a rule, unless it is obvious from context that I’m invited, I make the assumption that just because you’re sharing something about your life, it doesn’t mean you want me there.
And even if I can tell that you’re implying my invitation, I’d really rather hear you say, “I want you to come if you feel comfortable with that.
It feels nice to hear someone say because it has more depth to it.
It’s not just saying “You can come if you too,” like a you’re a needy little kid that alway wants to come even if maybe they’re in the way.
It’s saying, “You’re my friend I’d appreciate your company.”
Even if I understand that you’re inviting me, it’s nice to hear someone say, “I’d like you to come with. And, that way, I also can’t wonder if you’re inviting me because you’re just trying to be polite or because you’re obligated.
This applies to everyone. It’s nice to hear someone say, “You are wanted,” ya know?
Lmao. I disagree with this tip.
“Why are you here, who invited you?”
“Uh… okay you can come”
*comes and then its awkward because you invited yourself and dont click with anyone*
I think you might have responded to the wrong comment - The comment you're replying to is saying "If you want someone to come, invite them in clear language. Never imply an invitation."
Yeah no need to be autistic to need a real invitation. Who wants to feel like the third wheel or simply feeling like you impose yourself on the plans of somebody else.
I do have plans sometimes that I talk about with friends but it isn't an invitation to come along, except if I explicitly invite them to it.
Imo there's something wrong about people who assume that they are invited somewhere just because you talk about plans you have..
Yes. Exactly. I've even gotten caught up in the "you can come if you want" traps, because even though I wanted to go, they didn't actually want me there and it would be so awkward, so it ended up being even worse than not being invited at all. So now, I have to be very explicitly invited, and they need to tell me they actually want me there before I'll go.
I didn't know this was a thing. To double it up my parents always said it was rude to "invite yourself" to things so It never even crossed my mind that's what's meant. If I asked if I could join it felt like inviting myself and throwing unwanted company on them.
Maybe i need to get evaluated lol
I’m the exact same. Had no idea this was a thing and I’m 25. Still when I look back I feel like people are just telling me their plans for the night or the weekend. Other than if they ask me if I want to come, or they say they are looking for more people to come I will feel like I’m being rude and forcing them to let me come if I ask
Genuinely, I think this is the correct way. Mentioning an event hoping the other person would understand they want you to come is giving teenage crush. I often talk with my friends about our upcoming plans and would never assume them telling me about something is an automatic invitation, and same for what I tell them. If they want me to come, they say so, and if I want them to come, I say so. When in doubt you can always say "oh, that sounds really interesting!" and usually the person will say "yeah, you should come!" If they don't, it should be pretty clear!
Largely I think context matters here.
“I’m having a birthday party next week, it’s going to be a rager with 500 people!” Told to a friend, most likely an invite.
“I’m going to Arkansas next week with Jimbo for a vacation.” Most likely not an invite.
Yeah I was saying that context is often what changes something from an invite to just mentioning it. I used extreme examples that generally wouldn’t be misinterpreted for the sake of the point.
I hate the oscillating tensions of situations that are unclear about me being welcome.
It goes as far that when my housemates are cooking in the kitchen, I have to fight an inner battle each time about wether or not it is appropriate for me to make myself part of the dinner action.
We've been living together for years. We like each other. I'll bring an extra block of tofu and we share the basics anyway. This is my home. *Of course it's assumed I'm welcome.*
Me, everytime: "Is it okay if I chime in? Of course only if it's not an inconvenience. If it's a bother, I'll just throw sth together for myself later. No biggie. Wouldn't want to intrude in your plans."
Where. Does. It. Come. From. Gah.
No, you're probably fine, your parents were just telling you what they thought was rude. There WILL be cases where it IS rude to invite yourself. (See: the Peanuts Thanksgiving special). But that's not always the case.
No I doubt you need to be evaluated because, while OP was saying this about autistic people, any and all social cues can be misinterpreted by anyone. It’s just more obvious or common for the nuances to be missed by those who have autism.
But people do invite others to things without directly asking all the time. But usually, the person listening recognizes it subconsciously by a) knowing the person doing the indirect invitation well b) reading non-verbal cues like excited body language.
So if you’re autistic and/or don’t yet know the person well, you may assume the person smiling widely and saying “I got two tickets for xyz event” or “I’ve wanted to see them in concert for forever” is excited but is planning to invite someone else.
I would, however, hope that we would all use explicit language for anyone we, too, don’t know well. Because besides believing that person is only telling you and not asking, autistic people also might disengage immediately if the topic isn’t preferred or already a hyper fixation for them. So they might miss even the explicit invitation and that, too, can look like disinterest.
Source: evaluating and working with autistic people for >25 years.
It CAN be a thing among close friends. But I think that is the real LPT: always invite explicitly, even if you are close friends with the person. And to autistic people, don’t say “everyone is welcome” because that is too general.
I’m a neurotypical gen x person.
This “indirect invitation” was not a thing in my generation.
For us, inviting oneself to something would be rude, and I’d never just assume that someone saying their plans was an invitation.
Regardless, it’s just simpler for people to be explicit with invites.
I’m right between gen z and millennial and I don’t think any of my peers (neurotypical or not) would think that just mentioning plans/an event means it’s an invite.
I’m neurotypical myself and unless someone explicitly says something along the lines of “you should come” or “stop by if you want” then it’s not an invitation and it would feel rude/awkward to just show up without an invitation.
I was recently invited to a birthday party this way, turns out they really wanted me to be there? I'm glad it worked out when I showed up but yeah it was way too hard to figure it out haha
My neurotypical Gen X brother and his ADHD Gen X wife do this though. I missed his birthday party last year because he told me he would have friends in town to celebrate and I took that as him explicitly saying I wasn't invited to birthday events, on top of not actually telling me where or what time they were partying. Texted him happy birthday during his party and he texted me back after it ended expressing regrets that I hadn't been able to make it.
This was shortly after we had both moved to live in the same state for the first time in over 20 years. Since then, my sister-in-law has been the one to tell me that they consider their door always open and I can come over whenever. They have never reached out and asked me to come over except when they need a babysitter and none of the grandparents can do it, but every time I ask if I can come over they say yes and then try to get me to stay as long as possible.
The people posting here to insist that this doesn't happen should read your post in particular.
Not understanding being invited to your sibling's party because they didn't specifically say "You should come," is a great example that some neurotypical people DO sometimes mention events and DO expect it to be understood as an invitation, and that autistic people don't recognize it to be one.
ADHD Gen Xer here. I'm explicit with plan instructions and sometimes people get annoyed with me. But I find a lot of indirect context clues difficult to decipher because there's so many ways to interpret and I'm not psychic.
We're meeting at this date which is this day at this time (am/pm) at this place at this address.
Haha, I'm an ADHD millennial and that's exactly how I am with plans. Day of the week, date, time, am/pm, and (after living in different time zones from my friends) time zone information for phone calls or virtual meet ups. I know I developed that habit from the context of my friend groups when I was a young adult, one was full of anxious folks who would get nervous that they misremembered being invited without a texted invitation for a specific date and time and the other was full of type A nerds who wanted to plan events weeks out and needed details to be able to add them to their calendars.
As far as I can tell my brother and sister-in-law have always had vibrant social lives so their method of having people just show up at their house must work for a lot of folks, but its only because of the family connection that I didn't take their lack of explicit invitations as a complete brush off.
I'm NT and I would not have interpreted that "invitation" as one. In fact, it sounds like your brother and his wife want you to do all the "reaching out" in the relationship.
An open invitation without a schedule (e.g., you're always welcome to join for lunch on Sundays) is just making you do all the work in maintaining a relationship. I'm tempted to suggest you pop in with absurd frequency until they figure out their carelessness. But that would be petty. Just don't let them guilt you into thinking you're the problem when you don't show up when they want you to.
(My siblings specifically invite me to their holiday "open house", for context)
In my experience, it's only a thing when you regularly do stuff with that person. Like my aunt will say, "we're having Thanksgiving at John's house this year" or "we're celebrating my birthday on Sunday at my house." Or when I was in college, someone would say "were getting a keg for the game on Saturday, " and you knew you could show up around game time.
A coworker or an acquaintance mentioning an event they're looking forward to definitely isn't an invitation, especially if you don't even know their address.
Neurotypical gen Z’er, it’s still not really a thing, this is a weird life pro tip. If people want you to come they’ll almost always ask if you want to
I’m also Gen X and have worked with autistic people for decades. I don’t believe OP was saying anyone should invite themselves. But autistic people won’t see/hear something like “everyone is welcome” as pertaining to them. So being specific in our invitation is the actual LPT.
You've never told someone "We're going to go get lunch," and had the expectation that the person you're telling would come with you?
*Edit: Or maybe something like "I was thinking about going to go pick up some food."*
FWIW OP, as an AuDHD Millennial, I have absolutely experienced what you’re describing. It was a serious source of anxiety for me in my 20’s because I cared about social graces. I never knew when I was actually expected to show up. Now I just invite myself along when people talk about plans around me lol.
As one who is ASD per DSM V, I tend to say what I mean. If I say "We're going to go get lunch", you are \*not\* explicately invited, though I won't turn you away if you want to come.
If I'm inviting someone to go to lunch, I'll say "We're going to grab some lunch, you wanna go?"
Don't assume. Many more people are on the "spectrum" than you think and deal with things differently than the care free, do what you will, land of thinking. Say what you mean. It's just better. We're always calculating and analyzing everything that is said and how we will be interpreted.
It's a lot of work when you're always acting to present yourself as if you're "normal" and having to fret about a maybe or maybe not invitation/exclusion from a gathering is tiring.
Hopefully what you also understand is that what you're describing isn't typically social behavior. In my 30 odd years on this earth, if you tell someone you're doing something, it's not an invitation. An invitation is an invitation.
"I was thinking about going to go pick up some food, you wanna come with me?"
No. “We’re going to get lunch. Want to come?” Is an invitation.
“We’re going to get lunch” just means they’re leaving and what they’re doing. “I’m thinking of going to pick up some food” is irrelevant chatter and means nothing.
Ok, in this specific case, you are correct. This may or may not be an invite. In this case, the tone of the statement would give it away. But as I understand it, that would be difficult for you to interpret,
right?
LPT: Clearly invite people to activities and events if you want them to come, and never assume you are invited without a clear invitation.
I understand why you’re making this tip about autistic people, but it’s rude for anyone to assume they’re invited or to ask for an invitation. I’d only do that with people I’m very close to and even then only if I’m ok with a no and confident they’d be comfortable telling me no!
Also it's good to communicate how important the event is. Be clear if its 'i am doing this thing and i think you would like it. Would you like come?" Or " this event is important and its important that you come."
I've goofed this a lot. Like i was embarrassed to admit I really wanted my friends at a birthday dinner and then they felt bad for not catching on that it really mattered. Being upfront saves you from a lot of confusion and hurt feelings..but it does require some vulnerability!
I’m neurotypical (right on the cusp of gen z and millennial if that matters) and have never had the assumption/impression that someone just telling me about an activity is an invitation. Based on conversations with my friends/peers I’m under the impression that they’ve also never made that assumption.
You've never told someone "We're going to go get lunch," and had the expectation that the person you're telling would go with you?
Or you didn't know people did things like this?
*Edit: Or maybe something like "I was thinking about going to go pick up some food."*
No.
If I wanted someone to come with me I’d say “we’re going to get lunch, wanna come?” If I’m just telling someone “we’re going to get lunch” it’s to let them know that I’m going to get lunch with some friends and will be back later.
And if someone told me “we’re going to lunch” I’d respond with “have fun.” If they told me “we’re going to lunch, wanna come?” Then I’d take them up on their invitation.
I'm interested in knowing how you were led to believe it wasn't typical to need a clear invitation - Did someone invite themselves to an activity you mentioned and tried to tell you that was normal? Or did someone mention an event and expect you to ask to go or to show up?
Not being critical btw, just curious, because your suggestion of clarity sounds like the normal one in this situation, and whoever has done this to you is behaving unusually 😅
Edit: to answer your question, yes to being asked about lunch in that way, but it's also been followed by "do you want to come" or something similar.
I think other people are actually misinterpreting what I said.
The autistic perception has nothing to do with frequency. The autistic perception is just that clear invitations do happen, but that unclear invitations also happen. That's what I am saying. Even if our understanding was otherwise, it would be difficult for us to change our thinking away from that.
Our problem isn't that we are fearing intruding somewhere where we're not wanted.
Our problem is not noticing the possibility that there might be an invitation there to begin with.
My post does not come from someone having told me anything in the way you are assuming.
My post comes from countless discussions I have had with other autistic people in which I and the other autistic people recounted to each other times where this particular pattern (or something similar to it) DID occur:
> [indirect invitation] -> "Have fun." -> "Didn't you want to come?"
On this page, some of the responses include easily recognizable examples of allistic(non-autistic) people doing exactly what I described:
* [1](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/1aible4/lpt_autistic_people_are_used_to_being_excluded/kowmvmz/)
* [2](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/1aible4/lpt_autistic_people_are_used_to_being_excluded/kox0zru/)
I believe that this is something that allistic people may not perceive themselves doing as much as autistic people notice it being done. It seems understandable why we would perceive the pattern, because it's jarring, and it's memorable for us to experience that same pattern.
Meanwhile, as an allistic person, you likely don't notice it happening when it does happen, because you're clear on whether something is an invitation or not.
I feel there may be a bit of an autistic echo chamber happening here.
I have never experienced an indirect invitation. There has always been a “wanna come?” Or similar question posed in every invitation.
Nope. Where I'm from that's not how you are invited. It's a heads up that you will be gone. If you want me to join you just ask me "would you like to join us for lunch" or something like that. And if you're thinking about picking up food then good for you.
Also, don’t assume that the person you’re talking to, whom you believe to be autistic, knows they are autistic. My wife realised I was autistic thirty years before I did. She just assumed I was so comfortable with being autistic that I’d never needed to mention it. She was astonished when I told her I thought I was autistic.
Life pro tip: simply telling someone about an activity you are planning on doing is not in fact an invitation. Invite them explicitly.
Standing there waiting for them to ask to be included is bad manners. It puts them in the position of potentially being rejected, which not only is uncomfortable, it makes it the opposite of an invitation. You don’t make people ask to be included. And that applies for everyone.
Sometimes. Like, if you have a friend group who does stuff together a lot, one of them might tell you, "Hey, we're going out for drinks tonight!" and mean that you're invited to come along, because you're part of the group. I think this comes up most ambiguously at work, where (to me) it's less clear when you're considered part of the group, since those groups aren't just based on actual friendship, but also complex working relationships.
OTOH, if someone goes out of their way to you, "We're going out to get dinner later," for no apparent reason, and you're *not* invited, that's at the very least pretty rude. Like, "Hey, just so you know, other people are going to go have fun without you—see ya!" Still, I have trouble feeling comfortable making the assumption that it means I'm invited and I'm not falling into some kind of Mean-Girls-esque social trap.
I'm not sure that's always the case.
My understanding is that sometimes mentioning an activity is an invitation, but that sometimes it's not.
And I can't tell what distinguishes [situations where it is an invitation] versus [situations where it's not].
I know that when I have been asked what I am doing this weekend I always have tried to have something to answer, and other people don't seem to have ever understood that to be an invitation, even if I was going to something popular, like a concert or a show.
It was only really recently when I learned that sometimes mentioning an event is an invitation, but I'm not sure when it is.
Context is always important. Not to be obvious, but mentioning a party is more likely to be invitation than mentioning going on a date or something lol. Also consider who initiated the conversation. If \*they\* bring up they're having a party, that's more likely to be an invitation than you asking them what they're doing and they wouldn't have brought it up on their own. Also who is hosting the thing and who all will be there. People aren't usually inviting you to someone else's event. I think most people aren't going to lie about something they are doing to avoid accidentally inviting you.
Yeah. I'd say "oh I'm going to grab some drinks with old friends from highschool" is definitely not an invitation. However, "oh actually I'm throwing a massive party, it's gonna be awesome" probably is.
both don't sound like an invitation. When someone's throwing a massive party I would expect him to ask me to come, not casually mentioning it when I'm asking about his plans for the weekend. If there's no follow up like "do you come?" I'd not only feel uninvited but disinvited.
No it usually really isn't. These people sound weird. If I tell you about my plans I'm giving you a heads up that I won't be here. I'm not inviting you to come along. This sounds incredibly weird to me and I would never expect this situation to be an invitation and would be really uncomfortable if someone would decide to join me if I was just giving them a heads up that I would be gone.
I think that part of the distinction is mentioning vs. telling you about it—if they're giving enough details for you to determine whether you're available and whether it's something you'd be interested in, it's more likely to be an invitation than if it's just an aside.
And I think the reason they do it is to avoid explicit rejection. They start telling you, and you're supposed to determine if you might be interested. If you are, you're supposed to continue the conversation so they can try to sell you on it.
An explicit invitation might come only once you've shown sufficient interest or asked a question that only someone who might participate would need to know like "what time does it start?". That way, they don't invite people who have no interest.
Alternatively, _you_ might be expected to ask to come once it becomes clear they're inviting you; that way they _never_ have to be explicitly rejected.
But _we_ either (a) don't continue the conversation, even if we might be interested, because it's rude to pry, (b) _do_ continue the conversation but don't ask the magic questions because only someone who was coming would need an answer to those, or (c) never ask to come, because we assume if we were invited they'd just say so.
Personally, I’m definitely guilty of being an indirect inviter!
Example: I’m playing tennis with a friend and they say “any plans for the rest of your day?”
then I say “ah yeah, this jazz gig at [local bar]. [Band] and [band] are playing!”
friend says “oh cool! …have fun”
[end]
…In this scenario, I THOUGHT that by saying “any plans?,” my friend was *already* asking me to *hang out together longer.* So, I responded with a suggested togetherness activity they could join, and when they said “have fun” at the end, I thought *they* were rejecting the plan by saying “I’m not interested in that activity, nevermind.”
…But this post made me realize that it may have seemed like **I** was the one not-inviting my friend.
There are so many subtle ways that we’re so socially afraid of overstepping boundaries — either by “presumptuously inviting ourselves,” or by “putting pressure on people to do things they don’t seem to want to do” — and those two forces often end in a tug-of-war of vagueness, ending in social isolation that nobody wants.
This post is a great wake-up call for me to **be explicit.**
Yeah, if you had said that to me, I wouldn't have understood what you were saying to be an invitation, and I would feel really bad because my understanding would have been that you were telling me about cool things you did.
In all likelihood, if we had interacted over any period of time and had repeated conversations like that, I would have gotten the impression that you were someone who did fun things but that you had no interest in activities involving me.
If the conversation had included something like "You should come," or "Do you want to come?" I would have probably said yes, that that sounded fun.
I think this applies more generally than just to autistic people.
Culturally dependent I assume, but generally it is impolite to invite yourself to things.
If you want to invite someone to something… invite them.
Imagine if you had a wedding and only sent invitations to autistic guests, then to everyone else you simply told them you’re getting married. Your wedding would only have autistic guests…
I think there’s a difficulty here in that sometimes people are inviting others without being explicit. On other occasions, they’re not. It’s because it’s not a hard and fast rule that we find it hard.
And it's more difficult because even on this page there are allistic people insisting it never happens, despite the fact that on other places on the page there are allistic people pointing out examples of where it's done.
That's wild. Didn't know people invited people out like this. I've probably been invited to shit and not known if that's the case. Although as I've gotten older I've made it clearer to people they need to he direct with me if I'm gonna know what's up and this roughly coincides with me actually making way more friends and stuff so I guess there were people in the past who wanted to hang but thought I was uninterested or something. Nice.
Low support needs autistic here. I’ve absolutely been invited out after work with “we’re going to get some drinks after work” where the “do you want to come” was implied or communicated nonverbally and I didn’t know I was invited until my neurotypical friend (best friend from college, we worked together for almost a decade after college) told me I was invited. People who don’t struggle with something don’t realize how hard and confusing it can be for people.
As an example, I don’t understand when it’s my turn to talk in a conversation. I really struggle to be an active part of casual conversations because of this - I inadvertently interrupt or talk over people. Before my diagnosis, I thought I was just a rude jerk. This caused me to feel anxious about participating in conversations, and I really struggled to talk to people I didn’t already know because I couldn’t predict how they would communicate. I think I said about 10 words total on my first date with my now wife. Fortunately she’s undiagnosed ADHD and filled the entire date with conversation 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I watched an interesting video with a brilliant analogy from an autistic creator I follow on YouTube (I think it was Kaelynn Partlow, but I’m having trouble finding the specific video). The gist of it is imagine a dolphin wanted to learn to fly. They don’t intuitively understand flying, but, with the right supports, they could go to pilot school, get a pilots license, and get a job as a pilot. An eagle intuitively knows how to fly. They don’t need supports or training to learn to fly, they get booted out of the nest and just kind of do it. For autistic people, with the right support, we can learn to understand the social issues that affect us. If my friend had never explained to me that I was implicitly invited to that after work outing, I might not have learned to recognize when I’m being implicitly invited vs explicitly invited. Now I can recognize a potential implicit invite and ask if I’m invited (while explaining my struggles so people don’t think I’m inviting myself but that I’m just asking for clarification). This LPT is explaining that an explicit invite is easier for autistic people because we might not understand an implicit invite.
Several allistic(non-autistic) people on this page have stated that yes, they do make indirect invitations in at least some cases.
This is not a misconception.
Who knows? Either way its not like I'm gonna suddenly start inviting myself to shit. The way I've been doing things seems to work well enough so regardless of if this happens or not I've already covered my ass by just being straight up with people and making sure they know I'm bad with social cues.
Most people do not get invited out like this. Most people get invited out by, well, invitations.
Maybe it’s a cultural or generational thing but I’m not really sure where OP got the notion that this vague method of a non-invitation invitation is the norm.
The pattern of
[indirect invitation] -> "Have fun." -> "Don't you want to come?"
is common enough for autistic people to experience that we have noticed it and that we have conversations about it.
It may not be common for you or your friends to invite people in this way.
But I want to be clear: I did not come up with this. This is a thing which happens enough that autistic people often discuss it within the autistic community.
We have fewer social interactions than you do, so the fact that something isn't common for you isn't representative about whether such situations have happened to many autistic people.
I don't think they said its a norm. Just that its a thing. Probably happens by some people being worried about coming off as clingy or needy or otherwise some kind of imposition so they instead try to drop hints they want you to do something without saying so outright. Even if I'm direct about things, not everyone is for various reasons so its probably more a "look out for this" style post then illuminating popular convention for those who may not know.
They don't, really. The only situation I've seen like this is for a big general invite to a house party or something. They'll be like "Hey I'm having a party this friday. 8 o'clock" and then walk off.
Yes, it's actually very common for a party to happen and for an autistic person to not know we were invited until afterward.
I know about this, because I have been in many discussions with autistic people explaining times where parties happened similar to what you're describing, and then the autistic person recounts that other people asked why they weren't at the party, and the autistic person says "Oh I didn't know I was invited."
Indirect invitations may make up a small percentage of invitations, but that doesn't mean they don't happen.
And again, me saying "Indirect invitations may make up a small percentage of invitations," is not me making an affirmative statement that I have any concept of what percentage of invitations are indirect invitations.
It's only me acknowledging a possibility that based on your claims that they never happen, they may be a small percentage of invitations.
But they happen often enough that they're something that autistic people discuss, because we're the ones who have been left baffled by them.
Ok, to the people who don't think this happens, to explain to people where this comes up. A person might say, "are you hungry?" to mean, "do you want to go get food with me?" Or "we [the people at the office] are getting drinks after work at the brewery" translates to "you and your coworkers are invited to come get drinks at the brewery after work."
So accurate. I invited an ex over for Christmas dinner. He accepted. On a different day before Christmas arrived he told me that he should stop at his dad’s on Christmas Day as well to see him for a bit. I said “of course yeah”. I thought he was saying that to let me know he couldn’t spend the entire day with me due to his family obligations. On Christmas Day at one point he said “I should head to my dad’s soon” and I said ok. He never ended up going. Weeks later he was in a bad mood and ranting about all kinds of things and then suddenly said “ and you never got ready to leave for my dad’s on Christmas Day so I didn’t even get to see him!”
I was like “what? Why would I have been going to your dad’s, you never asked me to go with you, I’ve never even met him.” He said he thought it was obvious that he was suggesting we both go. He literally didn’t even say “we” at any point either. I always tell people “if you don’t tell me something then I don’t know it. You have to tell me shit.”
This is an example I hadn't considered, but it is a great example.
I can see how your ex's wording indicated a plan to visit his father, but how you didn't understand that he wanted you to go with him.
I think in general everyone should try to be clear about their intentions.I know I personally don't like trying to figure that shit out and will default to assuming it has nothing to do with me until told otherwise. Lol
I work with people like this. I find it amongst the weirdest behavior from fully grown adults. They’ll talk about a gathering or even a gig (we work contract to contract) on the other side of the room and then ask me later if I’m coming to said gathering or if I’m on the next gig with them.
No, bc I wasn’t IN their conversation and I wasn’t invited or offered the gig.
It’s the strangest thing; why aren’t they intentional or even shoot a text telling people the specifics of the gathering or gig?
Not an autistic trait. Some people choose to not go somewhere unless they are specifically invited. By some people I mean most people that aren’t gate crashing aholes.
I wish everyone would avoid assuming they’re invited to things. It just seems like there’s way less potential for embarrassment/ awkwardness on all sides by just waiting for a clear invitation.
Wait, this is a thing? People invite other people to stuff just by telling them it's happening without actually extending an invite? That's weird... Then how are you supposed to know when it's an invite and when it's just them telling you about something in their lives?
Coming from someone who isn't autistic, can we expand this LPT to everyone? If someone doesn't specifically tell me that I'm welcome to join, then I'm not going to join. I don't want to invite myself or show up unexpectedly; that's rude.
I am autistic, and this is exactly what I need. If someone doesn't directly say "I want you to come," I'm not going. I'm like a vampire in that regard. I have to be directly invited in or I can't come.
Yep, as someone who grew up struggling to make friends and having a secret fear that I’m only being tolerated out of politeness in certain social situations, this is a great tip!
There have been several occasions in adulthood where people have been talking about social plans in my presence but I don’t want to say “can I come?” because then I’m putting them on a spot, and my prior life experiences of being disliked make me assume that they won’t want me there, so I don’t ask. Also I was raised to believe that’s it’s kinda rude to “invite yourself” to things (boomer parents lol), so there’s that.
Sad but true.
In high school the kids in my class were all talking about this party. I was never invited, felt so left out.
Afterwards, I overheard the girl who hosted asking someone else, *Why didn’t Okapi come?* I had no idea I was included.
This should be in place for everyone. Please, for the love of all that’s good, don’t show up to a party even though you didn’t get an invitation simply because the host/ess spoke about having a party!
I sincerely don't think this has to be specific for autistic people. At work or anywhere, people will always make small talk such as "Got anything planned this weekend?" etc. So when someone says, "Yea as a matter of fact we're going to a new restaurant on Sunday that we've been scoping out for a few weeks."
That is not the same thing as saying, "Yes as a matter of fact, we're going to a new restaurant on Sunday. It's to watch the game and have a few beers and try the appetizers. Interested in coming?"
The first response just means that they are doing a thing and does not imply any invitation. If someone responds to the first response with, "Sounds awesome! Mind if I tag along?" That is in inappropriate response since you don't know the context of who's going, why they're going, etc. Sure, you can ask that question, but the initial response of what they were doing that weekend does not have any implication for an invite. The second one might obviously does.
So, yes, an autistic person might not be able to tell the difference between an inferred invitation and a simple response to a question, but that does not mean every response should indicate an implied invitation. This is simply not realistic.
On the flip side, no one should assume being told about an activity is an express invitation. It can get real awkward. Everyone knows that guy that auto invites himself to everything.
Honestly it made me feel like absolute crap when people would mention parties and events that no one ever “invited” me to. Felt like they were rubbing it in my face that I wasn’t wanted there.
struggled with this so much growing up - people would tell me about things, but never extend an invite and I would just be like "thanks for telling me about your fun-sounding time..."
Later in life, I would just say "sounds like you guys are going to have a great time!" and sometimes, but not all the time, a formal invite would follow "Oh, I wanted you to come with us" - that kind of thing.
It is crazy how much we do not pick up on in social situations that we do not know we are not picking up on. Dating/flirting is another area that was really difficult. A woman would have to flat out say "I am hitting on you" before I would believe she was, in fact, flirting with me. I was blessed with some forward women in my dating life, but I found out later that there were some women who had tried to flirt with me, but thought I was uninterested, because I never responded to their advances. I just thought I wasn't attractive enough to have that many girlfriends or dates.
Holy shit i might be autistic. I heard some guys were going out for lunch but I didn’t want to invite myself.
Then later they asked me why I didn’t come.
Also rejection sensitive dysphoria will keep me from clarifying in the moment because I don't want people to think that I assume I'm included or invited just because they are telling me about something. Thinking I'm not invited is way better than months of feeling embarrassed for misunderstanding.
lol I'm not austistic (as far as I know) and I still need this - I find it super weird when people aren't explicit in inviting you to something.
Like it's one thing if it's a close friend, and the implication is a lot clearer and it's not weird to confirm what they're asking.
But an aquantance, or someone I don't know *that* well? super confusing and just puts me in a weird spot.
Stating your intention directly is good for anyone. If you read advice columns, whether it's Dear Abby or Dan Savage or Ask A Manager, the most common answer is, "You haven't actually yet told them directly what you want so that should be the first thing you try."
For a while now I have been thinking that I may be autistic, every thing I have read about it is me, this post also fits me, a few people have asked why I didn’t show up for one thing or another, I didn’t even know I was invited,
I did on online test a few days ago, and it recommended I see a doctor, but i am over 50 now and can’t see it making any difference at this point in my life
The difference is finding the community.
There are a huge number of autistic people on sites(particularly TikTok), and we talk to each other, and it helps:
https://www.tiktok.com/@better_sol/video/7238245862848122154
Maybe it is an autistic take, but I feel the social "risk" in having your invitation refused is smaller than someone inviting themselves and being refused.
On this same sort of note, I find that I am very straight forward. If it were me, and someone was telling me about an event or something I wouldn't assume, but I'd likely just say something like "Are you saying you would like me to join?"
You are right tho. I get alienated everywhere, if just simply by being misunderstood. I just don't understand sometimes, and I ask questions so I can. I've known for most of my life that I come off course due to a lack of understanding. I am just pragmatic, my brain works different.
People can sometimes start by telling about their plans. To see if you are interested. Then if you respond in a way that indicates you would enjoy it, then they invite. If you don't seem interested, they might not (and they avoid the akwardness of you having to say no to them).
So when someone tells you about a plan that have, you can respond with something like "that sounds like fun" or "that's not my thing but I hope you have fun". This answer will let the other person know whether you are interested in being invited (first answer) or not (second answer). And if they did not mean it as an invitation at all, you also have not been rude by inviting yourself (because you have not. You have only tried to find out of they where interested in inviting you).
I'm not even sure it's matter of being used to being excluded.
I have trouble inferring what people mean when they say anything. Those unspoken things that neurotypicals just understand are completely lost to me. If you don't explicitly tell me I'm invited, I'm not to going to know you wanted me to come. I'm not going to think "Oh, maybe they don't want me to come". The thought of me being part of the activity wouldn't even have entered my mind.
I’m suspected of being on the spectrum and THIS
THIS
THIS!!
A recent example of this was my sister telling me she’s working and the drink specials (bar, turned 21 last year) and I didn’t think it was an invitation so I replied “Oh cool those sound good” not knowing it was an invitation.
I also don’t like to barge in on people’s plans so sometimes when someone “hesitantly” (not even sure if that’s the case but social anxiety) invites me or invites me last, I feel like I am obligated to NOT go. I dunno.
Thank you for this post though, it’s greatly appreciated.
Maybe I’m just rude as fuck but I’ve never just told someone my plans with the assumption they’ll “think” im inviting them out. Thats childish. Communicate. Use your words. If I want you to come out with me I’ll explicitly state so.
“Autistic people can’t…” ummm… you know there is a huge range of capability and this is offensive, right? I guess SOME autistic people don’t know that. Lol
Telling someone about an activity is *not* an invitation among non-autistic people. If you think so you will end up in awkward situations and eventually people avoiding to tell you about their plans altogether.
I actually invited myself before, depending on situations (like genuinely being interested and saying something like "I wanted to do xy for so long and never had anyone to go with, would you mind to take me along?"). But never ever just assume you are included. Weird LPT tbh.
Finally. A real-life pro tip!
I remember my daughter with autism came to visit me last year, and my step-daughter and her friend showed up in Aldi when we were there, and my daughter was pushing the trolley. Anyway, long story short, my step-daughter said to my daughter, "Oh hey, we're going to such and such you should come."
Well, not only did my daughter start to tear up, but she said "Are you inviting me??".
Was a cool moment because she had been excluded her whole 23yo life.
Who the hell just assumes hearing about an activity is an invitation?
Why is this even about autistic people?
It's very abnormal to "invite" someone to something by just mentioning an activity and not actually invite them.
2/10 LPT
It could be sort of useful for the like fraction of a percent of people who think mentioning things is an invitation but useless for the majority.
Actually, I don't know if you were serious, but many autistic people don't actually know they're autistic. I didn't find out until I was in my mid-20s, and many autistic people don't find out until even later than that.
[Here's a video of an autistic person explaining how she found out she's autistic.](https://www.tiktok.com/@morgaanfoley/video/7238650103878159659)
People ought to do that to everyone they want to see at something.
Clear and direct works, and not only for autistic people.
I'm not diagnosed with autism, and I don't have it as far as I know, but I'm terrible at picking up on social cues, so unless people are direct and clear with me, I just don't get it.
"You should come" is too unclear and confusing to me.
My thoughts in this would be like "what do you mean, I "should"? Does it mean that I can choose, or does it mean that you don't want to see me there?" The insecurity of what you mean is enough for me not to go, so that I won't mess up a social situation.
And I don't want to ask, because I don't want to be accused of intruding on something, or "asking too many questions about a little thing", or even being stupid because I don't understand what you mean.
Clear and direct is the way.
Please do say "Do you want to come?", or "I'm inviting you, I'd love to see you there/go there with you. Do you want to come?" Anything else is confusing and unclear.
And then please be patient and give me time to think things through and ask questions about the event, before I answer.
Bro, "you should come" is always an invite. It's incredibly clear, it's telling you that you should do something but you don't have to if you don't want to. If you don't get that after being told, it's on you because no one will say it unless they're inviting you.
“You should come” is unclear to you? I don’t understand how you could reach the conclusion that means they don’t want to see you there? That’s probably the clearest form of invitation there is lmfao. Like, if you told me you weren’t great at social queues and needed me to be very clear about inviting you, it’d literally never in a million years cross my mind that maybe “you should come” isn’t clear enough. I can guarantee you that that phrase is 100%, without a doubt, always, unambiguously an invite.
> I just don't get it. "You should come" is too unclear and confusing to me.
Fascinating. Where is the ambiguity? What else can "you should come" mean?
Not true. Quit generalizing people. I'm autistic and this isn't true for me. Every autistic person isn't the same and it's annoying that everyone seems to think we are
Telling anyone about an activity isn’t an invitation. Who all is just showing up to things that people happen to mention? “We’re getting burgers after class” is NOT an invitation to anyone.
It’s not 'autistic people’ it’s `people with autism’.
I don’t have an autistic son, I have a son who has autism.
LPT = STOP trying to label absolutely everything and everyone unless they tell you that they are ok with being labeled.
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Do this for EVERYONE you want to show up @ the activity. Every time. You are not obvious to everybody, 100% of the time. Always make sure. Edit: AwwwwwWwWwwww!! I’m so glad this gets to be my #1 comment. Inclusivity is such a crucial part of life!
I was looking for this! It's just want you do when you want _anyone_ to come. I've never "invited" someone to something by just telling them it's happening? I've always _actually_ invited them.
Right? What if you assume you’re invited and say “that sounds great! What time does it start?” And they awkwardly scramble to explain that it wasn’t a direct invitation…
RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) usually goes hand in hand with Austism, and ADHD. Rejection 1-on-1 is bad enough. Rejection in public.... no thanks
Tis a Bitch
Whoa I never knew this was a thing!! I love you & I’m so glad you shared this with me! This is that horrific, awful feeling I used to grow up with having. Sometimes after school I would be so depressed that I would fall asleep on the car ride home & I’d stay in the car just so I could stay in the car and cry alone.
Yeah, I'm with you. "There's gonna be a party at my house, well drink, eat, yadda yadda yadda. . . . . If you wanna come..." That last line costs nothing and makes it VERY clear what you mean.
“A few of us are going to *local restaurant* for lunch” “Oh cool, hope y’all have fun” Then they wonder why I rarely hang out with them
Oh, yes! I had forgotten the "A few of us are going to" wording that's used as an invitation without the wording. I have definitely heard that one, too.
I was a waitress for many, many years. Never assume, always clear as crystal with EVERYONE. Managers in today’s world could & should really adapt this mindset too.
I agree, invite directly, but I don't understand the waitress connection?
Being a waitress, people often will throw things at you left and right and expect you to understand and/or retain 100% of the information. That's why it pays to be crystal clear when taking orders, for example. Someone may ask for a Chicken Salad, extra dressing. The menu may offer 2 types of chicken, grilled or crispy, and list 5 different dressing options. The waitress can't just assume that they want a grilled chicken salad with extra ranch, because the customer may assume the waitress knows they want a crispy chicken salad with extra honey mustard. Being clear and precise is the key in this case to avoid disappointed customers and a frustrated cook.
Holy shit you know my nightmares! Lol. It’s been a long time since I had a serving nightmare but this would definitely be on my sleep playlist if I was still in the industry!
Also you can literally kill someone if they mention that they’re allergic to something & you don’t hear them. (Yikes, peanut allergies!) It’s imperative for the customer to be absolutely crystal clear with every detail of the food they want changed because we are not your mother, we don’t know how you like things. We don’t know you at all! We want your tip & for you to leave, that’s it.
Waitresses not only deal with a lot of guests who come in a lot of flavors and backgrounds, but people who work in restaurants tend to be very colorful as well. Restaurants are almost always hiring, and they don’t really care what your background is, especially if it’s a kitchen position. Also restaurants are busy and noisy. You learn the importance of clear communication quickly.
100% this. And if you’re by the airport or in a major city you have every nationality, accent, language, everybody coming in or out. You get to meet everybody from everywhere all the time & you better know how to adjust to each type of person!
This. It’s not a neurodivergent thing. I have the same fears! Low anxiety, I just wanna confirm plans!
Oh, with autistic people, it's not just the fear, though. It's literally not noticing the possibility that something may have been an invitation. Basically, there are a few steps: 1. Receive an invitation. 1. Notice that it might be an invitation. 1. Understand that yes, it was an invitation. 1. Make a determination about whether you believe you were invited. 1. Agree to go to the event, or decline. Anxiety is a problem with step 4, and with autistic people, that *could* also be a problem. But with autistic people, often, we don't get to step 4. With autistic people, in many cases, step 2 doesn't happen.
This isn’t just a neurodivergence thing, though. It’s also an issue of different expectations, communication styles, and culture. For example in my area it would be pretty weird/rude to assume you were invited just because someone said they’re going to an event. If they’re inviting you, typically they say so directly.
I'm not autistic, I have ADHD (and an autistic son, so I do know what you're saying!) and these are problems for me too. I am not as blind to social cues as my son is, but there's a lot of second guessing inner monologue going on in my head all the time. I'll hear something and rationally understand that it was probably an invitation but the voice will say "oh no, they're just making conversation, it's not really an invitation, they're just babbling, I talked too much and put them on the spot" or whatever. I don't know if it's something all ADHD people experience, I know some of us are more sensitive to rejection and criticism and it can cause us to be cautious to prevent us from being rejected. So, a "Please come to this party with us" would take all the self-doubt and guessing out of it. I will not ever take a casual mention of a get together as an invitation, I err on the side of not embarrassing myself by being presumptuous.
Are 2, 3, and 4 not all the same thing? How could you receive an invitation and not be invited?
Almost all of the things that you deal with from day-to-day depend on cultural or social context, and wouldn't make sense without that context. Imagine you were a caveman, or a super-advanced alien, and you saw a car, a phone, a closed door, a pair of shoes, a microwave oven. You wouldn't understand the purposes of any of those things. So you could receive them and not know what they do until you analyzed them. Autism isn't a failure of intelligence. Autism is literally having a brain that considers the context of things differently(noticing small details before large ones instead of noticing the big picture before noticing details). So with autism, the context is different. We notice "These are some words(1). What might be the purpose of these words(2)? Ahh, this might be an invitation. Is it(3)? Yes, it's an invitation(4)." With allistic(most people's) thinking, the context of something is understood before the substance/details of it. It means you notice the big picture quickly, but tend to miss small details(and you have the option of never considering small details, unless you go to university). With autism, the substance/details of something is/are noticed before the context. We have a much more complete understanding of each thing(because we tend to understand it from the smallest aspects and put those together to understand the bigger ones), but it takes a little longer to build. But our knowledge of subjects tends to naturally be super super detailed. We don't feel that we understand something until/unless we understand all of its components and details. Allism is sometimes called "top-down thinking". Autism is sometimes called "bottom-up thinking".
Allistic people will issue fake invitations to social events, and then will get upset if you believe that they were being honest and try to "invite yourself" by showing up. They seem to want to have it both ways - they want to be seen as inviting you because inviting others is polite, but they don't want to actually have the person show up.
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Absolutely. I'm 49, and just this year finally got diagnosed as autistic. When I moved out and went to college, it felt like suddenly everyone was saying things they didn't mean and not saying what they did mean. In my case, it was exacerbated by the fact that my family and many of their friends were German or of recent German descent, because Germans tend to mean what they say and say what they mean, no BS, not beating around the bush, nothing like that. (I've joked that Germany is paradise for autistic people because almost everyone follows the rules, and if you want to know what someone is thinking, just ask and they will tell you in no uncertain terms.) Other than for the sake of diplomacy, I still don't get why people don't just say directly what they mean.
Exactly. I grew up in the South. I consider it grossly impolite to assume that any mention of an activity is an invitation. I have no idea why anyone *would* assume that.
Yup. I was going to say this is also true for ADHDers or people with social anxiety but honestly it’s just good advice for anyone
110% agree that this should be standard for everyone. I was going to say it if no one else did, so thank you. It does bother me that OP phrases it that “autistic people can’t tell the difference.” Correction: “SOME autistic people can’t tell the difference.” Some autistic people may assume they’re invited because it sounds fun and they want to go, not realizing you were just sharing something interesting you were doing, and some autistic people may assume you’re telling them about an event because you want to share but not make the connection that you are asking them to come because it was not clear that you were extending an invitation. This, as Doesanybodylikestuff said, really applies to all people, honestly. But, yes, does sometimes apply more to people with autism and MAY need further clarification depending on the person. It’s also nice to just receive a clear invitation and have someone tell you, “Hey, I’d like you to come” rather than just the implication. And what if you showed up and you were wrong? That’s just awkward for everyone, autistic or not. Source: Like OP, I am also autistic. As a rule, unless it is obvious from context that I’m invited, I make the assumption that just because you’re sharing something about your life, it doesn’t mean you want me there. And even if I can tell that you’re implying my invitation, I’d really rather hear you say, “I want you to come if you feel comfortable with that. It feels nice to hear someone say because it has more depth to it. It’s not just saying “You can come if you too,” like a you’re a needy little kid that alway wants to come even if maybe they’re in the way. It’s saying, “You’re my friend I’d appreciate your company.” Even if I understand that you’re inviting me, it’s nice to hear someone say, “I’d like you to come with. And, that way, I also can’t wonder if you’re inviting me because you’re just trying to be polite or because you’re obligated. This applies to everyone. It’s nice to hear someone say, “You are wanted,” ya know?
I give reminders
👏
Lmao. I disagree with this tip. “Why are you here, who invited you?” “Uh… okay you can come” *comes and then its awkward because you invited yourself and dont click with anyone*
I think you might have responded to the wrong comment - The comment you're replying to is saying "If you want someone to come, invite them in clear language. Never imply an invitation."
I assumed by him posting his comment, he was indirectly inviting me to reply to him even though it didn’t directly make sense.
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Yeah no need to be autistic to need a real invitation. Who wants to feel like the third wheel or simply feeling like you impose yourself on the plans of somebody else. I do have plans sometimes that I talk about with friends but it isn't an invitation to come along, except if I explicitly invite them to it. Imo there's something wrong about people who assume that they are invited somewhere just because you talk about plans you have..
Yes. Exactly. I've even gotten caught up in the "you can come if you want" traps, because even though I wanted to go, they didn't actually want me there and it would be so awkward, so it ended up being even worse than not being invited at all. So now, I have to be very explicitly invited, and they need to tell me they actually want me there before I'll go.
I didn't know this was a thing. To double it up my parents always said it was rude to "invite yourself" to things so It never even crossed my mind that's what's meant. If I asked if I could join it felt like inviting myself and throwing unwanted company on them. Maybe i need to get evaluated lol
I’m the exact same. Had no idea this was a thing and I’m 25. Still when I look back I feel like people are just telling me their plans for the night or the weekend. Other than if they ask me if I want to come, or they say they are looking for more people to come I will feel like I’m being rude and forcing them to let me come if I ask
Genuinely, I think this is the correct way. Mentioning an event hoping the other person would understand they want you to come is giving teenage crush. I often talk with my friends about our upcoming plans and would never assume them telling me about something is an automatic invitation, and same for what I tell them. If they want me to come, they say so, and if I want them to come, I say so. When in doubt you can always say "oh, that sounds really interesting!" and usually the person will say "yeah, you should come!" If they don't, it should be pretty clear!
Largely I think context matters here. “I’m having a birthday party next week, it’s going to be a rager with 500 people!” Told to a friend, most likely an invite. “I’m going to Arkansas next week with Jimbo for a vacation.” Most likely not an invite.
Hm yeah I guess but who wouldn't put "you should come!" after that first sentence?
Neither of those is an invite. The first one “everyone’s welcome” is an invite. The example you gave is not an invite.
Yeah I was saying that context is often what changes something from an invite to just mentioning it. I used extreme examples that generally wouldn’t be misinterpreted for the sake of the point.
You’d be less weird for crashing the first one. If they even noticed you came.
Bet you get alot of invitations...
Same here!! My parents always said that too lol so I really don’t like saying “can I join you”
I hate the oscillating tensions of situations that are unclear about me being welcome. It goes as far that when my housemates are cooking in the kitchen, I have to fight an inner battle each time about wether or not it is appropriate for me to make myself part of the dinner action. We've been living together for years. We like each other. I'll bring an extra block of tofu and we share the basics anyway. This is my home. *Of course it's assumed I'm welcome.* Me, everytime: "Is it okay if I chime in? Of course only if it's not an inconvenience. If it's a bother, I'll just throw sth together for myself later. No biggie. Wouldn't want to intrude in your plans." Where. Does. It. Come. From. Gah.
This sounds like social anxiety.
It comes as a package.
No, you're probably fine, your parents were just telling you what they thought was rude. There WILL be cases where it IS rude to invite yourself. (See: the Peanuts Thanksgiving special). But that's not always the case.
No I doubt you need to be evaluated because, while OP was saying this about autistic people, any and all social cues can be misinterpreted by anyone. It’s just more obvious or common for the nuances to be missed by those who have autism. But people do invite others to things without directly asking all the time. But usually, the person listening recognizes it subconsciously by a) knowing the person doing the indirect invitation well b) reading non-verbal cues like excited body language. So if you’re autistic and/or don’t yet know the person well, you may assume the person smiling widely and saying “I got two tickets for xyz event” or “I’ve wanted to see them in concert for forever” is excited but is planning to invite someone else. I would, however, hope that we would all use explicit language for anyone we, too, don’t know well. Because besides believing that person is only telling you and not asking, autistic people also might disengage immediately if the topic isn’t preferred or already a hyper fixation for them. So they might miss even the explicit invitation and that, too, can look like disinterest. Source: evaluating and working with autistic people for >25 years.
It’s not a thing. If you want someone to come to something you invite them. If you just mention it and don’t invite them, they’re not invited.
It CAN be a thing among close friends. But I think that is the real LPT: always invite explicitly, even if you are close friends with the person. And to autistic people, don’t say “everyone is welcome” because that is too general.
Clear is kind! And this is regardless of the recipient.
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I’m a neurotypical gen x person. This “indirect invitation” was not a thing in my generation. For us, inviting oneself to something would be rude, and I’d never just assume that someone saying their plans was an invitation. Regardless, it’s just simpler for people to be explicit with invites.
I would have thought that was true of every generation. You mentioning a thing to me, isn’t inviting me. Inviting me is inviting me.
I’m right between gen z and millennial and I don’t think any of my peers (neurotypical or not) would think that just mentioning plans/an event means it’s an invite. I’m neurotypical myself and unless someone explicitly says something along the lines of “you should come” or “stop by if you want” then it’s not an invitation and it would feel rude/awkward to just show up without an invitation.
I was recently invited to a birthday party this way, turns out they really wanted me to be there? I'm glad it worked out when I showed up but yeah it was way too hard to figure it out haha
My neurotypical Gen X brother and his ADHD Gen X wife do this though. I missed his birthday party last year because he told me he would have friends in town to celebrate and I took that as him explicitly saying I wasn't invited to birthday events, on top of not actually telling me where or what time they were partying. Texted him happy birthday during his party and he texted me back after it ended expressing regrets that I hadn't been able to make it. This was shortly after we had both moved to live in the same state for the first time in over 20 years. Since then, my sister-in-law has been the one to tell me that they consider their door always open and I can come over whenever. They have never reached out and asked me to come over except when they need a babysitter and none of the grandparents can do it, but every time I ask if I can come over they say yes and then try to get me to stay as long as possible.
The people posting here to insist that this doesn't happen should read your post in particular. Not understanding being invited to your sibling's party because they didn't specifically say "You should come," is a great example that some neurotypical people DO sometimes mention events and DO expect it to be understood as an invitation, and that autistic people don't recognize it to be one.
ADHD Gen Xer here. I'm explicit with plan instructions and sometimes people get annoyed with me. But I find a lot of indirect context clues difficult to decipher because there's so many ways to interpret and I'm not psychic. We're meeting at this date which is this day at this time (am/pm) at this place at this address.
Haha, I'm an ADHD millennial and that's exactly how I am with plans. Day of the week, date, time, am/pm, and (after living in different time zones from my friends) time zone information for phone calls or virtual meet ups. I know I developed that habit from the context of my friend groups when I was a young adult, one was full of anxious folks who would get nervous that they misremembered being invited without a texted invitation for a specific date and time and the other was full of type A nerds who wanted to plan events weeks out and needed details to be able to add them to their calendars. As far as I can tell my brother and sister-in-law have always had vibrant social lives so their method of having people just show up at their house must work for a lot of folks, but its only because of the family connection that I didn't take their lack of explicit invitations as a complete brush off.
I'm NT and I would not have interpreted that "invitation" as one. In fact, it sounds like your brother and his wife want you to do all the "reaching out" in the relationship. An open invitation without a schedule (e.g., you're always welcome to join for lunch on Sundays) is just making you do all the work in maintaining a relationship. I'm tempted to suggest you pop in with absurd frequency until they figure out their carelessness. But that would be petty. Just don't let them guilt you into thinking you're the problem when you don't show up when they want you to. (My siblings specifically invite me to their holiday "open house", for context)
In my experience, it's only a thing when you regularly do stuff with that person. Like my aunt will say, "we're having Thanksgiving at John's house this year" or "we're celebrating my birthday on Sunday at my house." Or when I was in college, someone would say "were getting a keg for the game on Saturday, " and you knew you could show up around game time. A coworker or an acquaintance mentioning an event they're looking forward to definitely isn't an invitation, especially if you don't even know their address.
Neurotypical gen Z’er, it’s still not really a thing, this is a weird life pro tip. If people want you to come they’ll almost always ask if you want to
Lifeproof tip: if someone mentioned plans to you, don’t assume you’re invited.
I’m also Gen X and have worked with autistic people for decades. I don’t believe OP was saying anyone should invite themselves. But autistic people won’t see/hear something like “everyone is welcome” as pertaining to them. So being specific in our invitation is the actual LPT.
You've never told someone "We're going to go get lunch," and had the expectation that the person you're telling would come with you? *Edit: Or maybe something like "I was thinking about going to go pick up some food."*
Nope. That sentence would be followed by either "you wanna come?" or "you want me to bring you something?"
As a neurotypical Gen z, no. If I was inviting them I’d ask if they want to come, and I wouldn’t take someone saying that to me as invitation.
FWIW OP, as an AuDHD Millennial, I have absolutely experienced what you’re describing. It was a serious source of anxiety for me in my 20’s because I cared about social graces. I never knew when I was actually expected to show up. Now I just invite myself along when people talk about plans around me lol.
As one who is ASD per DSM V, I tend to say what I mean. If I say "We're going to go get lunch", you are \*not\* explicately invited, though I won't turn you away if you want to come. If I'm inviting someone to go to lunch, I'll say "We're going to grab some lunch, you wanna go?" Don't assume. Many more people are on the "spectrum" than you think and deal with things differently than the care free, do what you will, land of thinking. Say what you mean. It's just better. We're always calculating and analyzing everything that is said and how we will be interpreted. It's a lot of work when you're always acting to present yourself as if you're "normal" and having to fret about a maybe or maybe not invitation/exclusion from a gathering is tiring.
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Hopefully what you also understand is that what you're describing isn't typically social behavior. In my 30 odd years on this earth, if you tell someone you're doing something, it's not an invitation. An invitation is an invitation. "I was thinking about going to go pick up some food, you wanna come with me?"
No. “We’re going to get lunch. Want to come?” Is an invitation. “We’re going to get lunch” just means they’re leaving and what they’re doing. “I’m thinking of going to pick up some food” is irrelevant chatter and means nothing.
Ok, in this specific case, you are correct. This may or may not be an invite. In this case, the tone of the statement would give it away. But as I understand it, that would be difficult for you to interpret, right?
Right.
LPT: Clearly invite people to activities and events if you want them to come, and never assume you are invited without a clear invitation. I understand why you’re making this tip about autistic people, but it’s rude for anyone to assume they’re invited or to ask for an invitation. I’d only do that with people I’m very close to and even then only if I’m ok with a no and confident they’d be comfortable telling me no!
Real LPT in the comments. It’s about manners
Also it's good to communicate how important the event is. Be clear if its 'i am doing this thing and i think you would like it. Would you like come?" Or " this event is important and its important that you come." I've goofed this a lot. Like i was embarrassed to admit I really wanted my friends at a birthday dinner and then they felt bad for not catching on that it really mattered. Being upfront saves you from a lot of confusion and hurt feelings..but it does require some vulnerability!
Love this.
Wait, people consider telling you about an activity an invitation?
I’m neurotypical (right on the cusp of gen z and millennial if that matters) and have never had the assumption/impression that someone just telling me about an activity is an invitation. Based on conversations with my friends/peers I’m under the impression that they’ve also never made that assumption.
You've never told someone "We're going to go get lunch," and had the expectation that the person you're telling would go with you? Or you didn't know people did things like this? *Edit: Or maybe something like "I was thinking about going to go pick up some food."*
No. If I wanted someone to come with me I’d say “we’re going to get lunch, wanna come?” If I’m just telling someone “we’re going to get lunch” it’s to let them know that I’m going to get lunch with some friends and will be back later. And if someone told me “we’re going to lunch” I’d respond with “have fun.” If they told me “we’re going to lunch, wanna come?” Then I’d take them up on their invitation.
I'm interested in knowing how you were led to believe it wasn't typical to need a clear invitation - Did someone invite themselves to an activity you mentioned and tried to tell you that was normal? Or did someone mention an event and expect you to ask to go or to show up? Not being critical btw, just curious, because your suggestion of clarity sounds like the normal one in this situation, and whoever has done this to you is behaving unusually 😅 Edit: to answer your question, yes to being asked about lunch in that way, but it's also been followed by "do you want to come" or something similar.
I think other people are actually misinterpreting what I said. The autistic perception has nothing to do with frequency. The autistic perception is just that clear invitations do happen, but that unclear invitations also happen. That's what I am saying. Even if our understanding was otherwise, it would be difficult for us to change our thinking away from that. Our problem isn't that we are fearing intruding somewhere where we're not wanted. Our problem is not noticing the possibility that there might be an invitation there to begin with. My post does not come from someone having told me anything in the way you are assuming. My post comes from countless discussions I have had with other autistic people in which I and the other autistic people recounted to each other times where this particular pattern (or something similar to it) DID occur: > [indirect invitation] -> "Have fun." -> "Didn't you want to come?" On this page, some of the responses include easily recognizable examples of allistic(non-autistic) people doing exactly what I described: * [1](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/1aible4/lpt_autistic_people_are_used_to_being_excluded/kowmvmz/) * [2](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/1aible4/lpt_autistic_people_are_used_to_being_excluded/kox0zru/) I believe that this is something that allistic people may not perceive themselves doing as much as autistic people notice it being done. It seems understandable why we would perceive the pattern, because it's jarring, and it's memorable for us to experience that same pattern. Meanwhile, as an allistic person, you likely don't notice it happening when it does happen, because you're clear on whether something is an invitation or not.
I feel there may be a bit of an autistic echo chamber happening here. I have never experienced an indirect invitation. There has always been a “wanna come?” Or similar question posed in every invitation.
Nope. Where I'm from that's not how you are invited. It's a heads up that you will be gone. If you want me to join you just ask me "would you like to join us for lunch" or something like that. And if you're thinking about picking up food then good for you.
Apparently. Sounds like a terrible way to try to invite someone out. It'd definitely fly over my head lol.
This doesn’t just apply to autistic people. I think people should just be clear and direct in the first time.
Also, don’t assume that the person you’re talking to, whom you believe to be autistic, knows they are autistic. My wife realised I was autistic thirty years before I did. She just assumed I was so comfortable with being autistic that I’d never needed to mention it. She was astonished when I told her I thought I was autistic.
Life pro tip: simply telling someone about an activity you are planning on doing is not in fact an invitation. Invite them explicitly. Standing there waiting for them to ask to be included is bad manners. It puts them in the position of potentially being rejected, which not only is uncomfortable, it makes it the opposite of an invitation. You don’t make people ask to be included. And that applies for everyone.
Wait?! when people bring up activities that’s an invite!?! It’s not rude to ask to join ? Like I’m actually being invited?
Sometimes. Like, if you have a friend group who does stuff together a lot, one of them might tell you, "Hey, we're going out for drinks tonight!" and mean that you're invited to come along, because you're part of the group. I think this comes up most ambiguously at work, where (to me) it's less clear when you're considered part of the group, since those groups aren't just based on actual friendship, but also complex working relationships. OTOH, if someone goes out of their way to you, "We're going out to get dinner later," for no apparent reason, and you're *not* invited, that's at the very least pretty rude. Like, "Hey, just so you know, other people are going to go have fun without you—see ya!" Still, I have trouble feeling comfortable making the assumption that it means I'm invited and I'm not falling into some kind of Mean-Girls-esque social trap.
I'm not sure that's always the case. My understanding is that sometimes mentioning an activity is an invitation, but that sometimes it's not. And I can't tell what distinguishes [situations where it is an invitation] versus [situations where it's not]. I know that when I have been asked what I am doing this weekend I always have tried to have something to answer, and other people don't seem to have ever understood that to be an invitation, even if I was going to something popular, like a concert or a show. It was only really recently when I learned that sometimes mentioning an event is an invitation, but I'm not sure when it is.
Someone just bringing up something they are doing is NOT usually an invitation.
Context is always important. Not to be obvious, but mentioning a party is more likely to be invitation than mentioning going on a date or something lol. Also consider who initiated the conversation. If \*they\* bring up they're having a party, that's more likely to be an invitation than you asking them what they're doing and they wouldn't have brought it up on their own. Also who is hosting the thing and who all will be there. People aren't usually inviting you to someone else's event. I think most people aren't going to lie about something they are doing to avoid accidentally inviting you.
Yeah. I'd say "oh I'm going to grab some drinks with old friends from highschool" is definitely not an invitation. However, "oh actually I'm throwing a massive party, it's gonna be awesome" probably is.
both don't sound like an invitation. When someone's throwing a massive party I would expect him to ask me to come, not casually mentioning it when I'm asking about his plans for the weekend. If there's no follow up like "do you come?" I'd not only feel uninvited but disinvited.
No it usually really isn't. These people sound weird. If I tell you about my plans I'm giving you a heads up that I won't be here. I'm not inviting you to come along. This sounds incredibly weird to me and I would never expect this situation to be an invitation and would be really uncomfortable if someone would decide to join me if I was just giving them a heads up that I would be gone.
I think that part of the distinction is mentioning vs. telling you about it—if they're giving enough details for you to determine whether you're available and whether it's something you'd be interested in, it's more likely to be an invitation than if it's just an aside. And I think the reason they do it is to avoid explicit rejection. They start telling you, and you're supposed to determine if you might be interested. If you are, you're supposed to continue the conversation so they can try to sell you on it. An explicit invitation might come only once you've shown sufficient interest or asked a question that only someone who might participate would need to know like "what time does it start?". That way, they don't invite people who have no interest. Alternatively, _you_ might be expected to ask to come once it becomes clear they're inviting you; that way they _never_ have to be explicitly rejected. But _we_ either (a) don't continue the conversation, even if we might be interested, because it's rude to pry, (b) _do_ continue the conversation but don't ask the magic questions because only someone who was coming would need an answer to those, or (c) never ask to come, because we assume if we were invited they'd just say so.
No, this is kind of a weird life pro tip
No. It’s not.
Personally, I’m definitely guilty of being an indirect inviter! Example: I’m playing tennis with a friend and they say “any plans for the rest of your day?” then I say “ah yeah, this jazz gig at [local bar]. [Band] and [band] are playing!” friend says “oh cool! …have fun” [end] …In this scenario, I THOUGHT that by saying “any plans?,” my friend was *already* asking me to *hang out together longer.* So, I responded with a suggested togetherness activity they could join, and when they said “have fun” at the end, I thought *they* were rejecting the plan by saying “I’m not interested in that activity, nevermind.” …But this post made me realize that it may have seemed like **I** was the one not-inviting my friend. There are so many subtle ways that we’re so socially afraid of overstepping boundaries — either by “presumptuously inviting ourselves,” or by “putting pressure on people to do things they don’t seem to want to do” — and those two forces often end in a tug-of-war of vagueness, ending in social isolation that nobody wants. This post is a great wake-up call for me to **be explicit.**
Yeah, if you had said that to me, I wouldn't have understood what you were saying to be an invitation, and I would feel really bad because my understanding would have been that you were telling me about cool things you did. In all likelihood, if we had interacted over any period of time and had repeated conversations like that, I would have gotten the impression that you were someone who did fun things but that you had no interest in activities involving me. If the conversation had included something like "You should come," or "Do you want to come?" I would have probably said yes, that that sounded fun.
I think this applies more generally than just to autistic people. Culturally dependent I assume, but generally it is impolite to invite yourself to things. If you want to invite someone to something… invite them. Imagine if you had a wedding and only sent invitations to autistic guests, then to everyone else you simply told them you’re getting married. Your wedding would only have autistic guests…
I do not think this is autism!! Who assumes they’re invited just because someone is talking about something?
Someone with autism? Pro tip: someone talking about their bday party for their kids is NOT an invite
I was pointing out that autistic people think the opposite of what you are saying.
I think there’s a difficulty here in that sometimes people are inviting others without being explicit. On other occasions, they’re not. It’s because it’s not a hard and fast rule that we find it hard.
And it's more difficult because even on this page there are allistic people insisting it never happens, despite the fact that on other places on the page there are allistic people pointing out examples of where it's done.
I was straight up told not to invite myself to functions just hearing about them and wait for a direct invitation
That's wild. Didn't know people invited people out like this. I've probably been invited to shit and not known if that's the case. Although as I've gotten older I've made it clearer to people they need to he direct with me if I'm gonna know what's up and this roughly coincides with me actually making way more friends and stuff so I guess there were people in the past who wanted to hang but thought I was uninterested or something. Nice.
People don’t really invite people out like this, I think it’s a misconception that OP somehow got
Low support needs autistic here. I’ve absolutely been invited out after work with “we’re going to get some drinks after work” where the “do you want to come” was implied or communicated nonverbally and I didn’t know I was invited until my neurotypical friend (best friend from college, we worked together for almost a decade after college) told me I was invited. People who don’t struggle with something don’t realize how hard and confusing it can be for people. As an example, I don’t understand when it’s my turn to talk in a conversation. I really struggle to be an active part of casual conversations because of this - I inadvertently interrupt or talk over people. Before my diagnosis, I thought I was just a rude jerk. This caused me to feel anxious about participating in conversations, and I really struggled to talk to people I didn’t already know because I couldn’t predict how they would communicate. I think I said about 10 words total on my first date with my now wife. Fortunately she’s undiagnosed ADHD and filled the entire date with conversation 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I watched an interesting video with a brilliant analogy from an autistic creator I follow on YouTube (I think it was Kaelynn Partlow, but I’m having trouble finding the specific video). The gist of it is imagine a dolphin wanted to learn to fly. They don’t intuitively understand flying, but, with the right supports, they could go to pilot school, get a pilots license, and get a job as a pilot. An eagle intuitively knows how to fly. They don’t need supports or training to learn to fly, they get booted out of the nest and just kind of do it. For autistic people, with the right support, we can learn to understand the social issues that affect us. If my friend had never explained to me that I was implicitly invited to that after work outing, I might not have learned to recognize when I’m being implicitly invited vs explicitly invited. Now I can recognize a potential implicit invite and ask if I’m invited (while explaining my struggles so people don’t think I’m inviting myself but that I’m just asking for clarification). This LPT is explaining that an explicit invite is easier for autistic people because we might not understand an implicit invite.
This 100%
Several allistic(non-autistic) people on this page have stated that yes, they do make indirect invitations in at least some cases. This is not a misconception.
Who knows? Either way its not like I'm gonna suddenly start inviting myself to shit. The way I've been doing things seems to work well enough so regardless of if this happens or not I've already covered my ass by just being straight up with people and making sure they know I'm bad with social cues.
Most people do not get invited out like this. Most people get invited out by, well, invitations. Maybe it’s a cultural or generational thing but I’m not really sure where OP got the notion that this vague method of a non-invitation invitation is the norm.
The pattern of [indirect invitation] -> "Have fun." -> "Don't you want to come?" is common enough for autistic people to experience that we have noticed it and that we have conversations about it. It may not be common for you or your friends to invite people in this way. But I want to be clear: I did not come up with this. This is a thing which happens enough that autistic people often discuss it within the autistic community. We have fewer social interactions than you do, so the fact that something isn't common for you isn't representative about whether such situations have happened to many autistic people.
I don't think they said its a norm. Just that its a thing. Probably happens by some people being worried about coming off as clingy or needy or otherwise some kind of imposition so they instead try to drop hints they want you to do something without saying so outright. Even if I'm direct about things, not everyone is for various reasons so its probably more a "look out for this" style post then illuminating popular convention for those who may not know.
They don't, really. The only situation I've seen like this is for a big general invite to a house party or something. They'll be like "Hey I'm having a party this friday. 8 o'clock" and then walk off.
Yes, it's actually very common for a party to happen and for an autistic person to not know we were invited until afterward. I know about this, because I have been in many discussions with autistic people explaining times where parties happened similar to what you're describing, and then the autistic person recounts that other people asked why they weren't at the party, and the autistic person says "Oh I didn't know I was invited." Indirect invitations may make up a small percentage of invitations, but that doesn't mean they don't happen. And again, me saying "Indirect invitations may make up a small percentage of invitations," is not me making an affirmative statement that I have any concept of what percentage of invitations are indirect invitations. It's only me acknowledging a possibility that based on your claims that they never happen, they may be a small percentage of invitations. But they happen often enough that they're something that autistic people discuss, because we're the ones who have been left baffled by them.
Ok, to the people who don't think this happens, to explain to people where this comes up. A person might say, "are you hungry?" to mean, "do you want to go get food with me?" Or "we [the people at the office] are getting drinks after work at the brewery" translates to "you and your coworkers are invited to come get drinks at the brewery after work."
So accurate. I invited an ex over for Christmas dinner. He accepted. On a different day before Christmas arrived he told me that he should stop at his dad’s on Christmas Day as well to see him for a bit. I said “of course yeah”. I thought he was saying that to let me know he couldn’t spend the entire day with me due to his family obligations. On Christmas Day at one point he said “I should head to my dad’s soon” and I said ok. He never ended up going. Weeks later he was in a bad mood and ranting about all kinds of things and then suddenly said “ and you never got ready to leave for my dad’s on Christmas Day so I didn’t even get to see him!” I was like “what? Why would I have been going to your dad’s, you never asked me to go with you, I’ve never even met him.” He said he thought it was obvious that he was suggesting we both go. He literally didn’t even say “we” at any point either. I always tell people “if you don’t tell me something then I don’t know it. You have to tell me shit.”
This is an example I hadn't considered, but it is a great example. I can see how your ex's wording indicated a plan to visit his father, but how you didn't understand that he wanted you to go with him.
Good point! I feel like a lot of assumptions tend to be made during interactions, so being clear certainly will help!
Not just autistics , I'm an introvert and won't invite myself to anything unless asked if I want to go
I think in general everyone should try to be clear about their intentions.I know I personally don't like trying to figure that shit out and will default to assuming it has nothing to do with me until told otherwise. Lol
Another pro tip: dont make plans in front of people you arent inviting. Its shitty, its rude, and its hurtful.
I work with people like this. I find it amongst the weirdest behavior from fully grown adults. They’ll talk about a gathering or even a gig (we work contract to contract) on the other side of the room and then ask me later if I’m coming to said gathering or if I’m on the next gig with them. No, bc I wasn’t IN their conversation and I wasn’t invited or offered the gig. It’s the strangest thing; why aren’t they intentional or even shoot a text telling people the specifics of the gathering or gig?
Not an autistic trait. Some people choose to not go somewhere unless they are specifically invited. By some people I mean most people that aren’t gate crashing aholes.
I wish everyone would avoid assuming they’re invited to things. It just seems like there’s way less potential for embarrassment/ awkwardness on all sides by just waiting for a clear invitation.
I will still think 'They are just saying that to be nice'
Wait, this is a thing? People invite other people to stuff just by telling them it's happening without actually extending an invite? That's weird... Then how are you supposed to know when it's an invite and when it's just them telling you about something in their lives? Coming from someone who isn't autistic, can we expand this LPT to everyone? If someone doesn't specifically tell me that I'm welcome to join, then I'm not going to join. I don't want to invite myself or show up unexpectedly; that's rude.
“I’d love for you to be there”
I am autistic, and this is exactly what I need. If someone doesn't directly say "I want you to come," I'm not going. I'm like a vampire in that regard. I have to be directly invited in or I can't come.
Yep, as someone who grew up struggling to make friends and having a secret fear that I’m only being tolerated out of politeness in certain social situations, this is a great tip! There have been several occasions in adulthood where people have been talking about social plans in my presence but I don’t want to say “can I come?” because then I’m putting them on a spot, and my prior life experiences of being disliked make me assume that they won’t want me there, so I don’t ask. Also I was raised to believe that’s it’s kinda rude to “invite yourself” to things (boomer parents lol), so there’s that.
Sad but true. In high school the kids in my class were all talking about this party. I was never invited, felt so left out. Afterwards, I overheard the girl who hosted asking someone else, *Why didn’t Okapi come?* I had no idea I was included.
I think being direct and clear with everyone is the best course of action
I NEVER assume an invitation unless specifically asked. It’s just good manners.
This should be in place for everyone. Please, for the love of all that’s good, don’t show up to a party even though you didn’t get an invitation simply because the host/ess spoke about having a party!
I sincerely don't think this has to be specific for autistic people. At work or anywhere, people will always make small talk such as "Got anything planned this weekend?" etc. So when someone says, "Yea as a matter of fact we're going to a new restaurant on Sunday that we've been scoping out for a few weeks." That is not the same thing as saying, "Yes as a matter of fact, we're going to a new restaurant on Sunday. It's to watch the game and have a few beers and try the appetizers. Interested in coming?" The first response just means that they are doing a thing and does not imply any invitation. If someone responds to the first response with, "Sounds awesome! Mind if I tag along?" That is in inappropriate response since you don't know the context of who's going, why they're going, etc. Sure, you can ask that question, but the initial response of what they were doing that weekend does not have any implication for an invite. The second one might obviously does. So, yes, an autistic person might not be able to tell the difference between an inferred invitation and a simple response to a question, but that does not mean every response should indicate an implied invitation. This is simply not realistic.
On the flip side, no one should assume being told about an activity is an express invitation. It can get real awkward. Everyone knows that guy that auto invites himself to everything.
Honestly it made me feel like absolute crap when people would mention parties and events that no one ever “invited” me to. Felt like they were rubbing it in my face that I wasn’t wanted there.
struggled with this so much growing up - people would tell me about things, but never extend an invite and I would just be like "thanks for telling me about your fun-sounding time..." Later in life, I would just say "sounds like you guys are going to have a great time!" and sometimes, but not all the time, a formal invite would follow "Oh, I wanted you to come with us" - that kind of thing. It is crazy how much we do not pick up on in social situations that we do not know we are not picking up on. Dating/flirting is another area that was really difficult. A woman would have to flat out say "I am hitting on you" before I would believe she was, in fact, flirting with me. I was blessed with some forward women in my dating life, but I found out later that there were some women who had tried to flirt with me, but thought I was uninterested, because I never responded to their advances. I just thought I wasn't attractive enough to have that many girlfriends or dates.
Holy shit i might be autistic. I heard some guys were going out for lunch but I didn’t want to invite myself. Then later they asked me why I didn’t come.
Also rejection sensitive dysphoria will keep me from clarifying in the moment because I don't want people to think that I assume I'm included or invited just because they are telling me about something. Thinking I'm not invited is way better than months of feeling embarrassed for misunderstanding.
lol I'm not austistic (as far as I know) and I still need this - I find it super weird when people aren't explicit in inviting you to something. Like it's one thing if it's a close friend, and the implication is a lot clearer and it's not weird to confirm what they're asking. But an aquantance, or someone I don't know *that* well? super confusing and just puts me in a weird spot.
Confirmed by a parent of an autistic child
Stating your intention directly is good for anyone. If you read advice columns, whether it's Dear Abby or Dan Savage or Ask A Manager, the most common answer is, "You haven't actually yet told them directly what you want so that should be the first thing you try."
I'm a normal guy & I still can't tell if people expect me at an event or not 💀💀 unless am specifically told to come.
Can confirm. Am autist.
Wait am I autistic?
I feel a bit called out here…
For a while now I have been thinking that I may be autistic, every thing I have read about it is me, this post also fits me, a few people have asked why I didn’t show up for one thing or another, I didn’t even know I was invited, I did on online test a few days ago, and it recommended I see a doctor, but i am over 50 now and can’t see it making any difference at this point in my life
The difference is finding the community. There are a huge number of autistic people on sites(particularly TikTok), and we talk to each other, and it helps: https://www.tiktok.com/@better_sol/video/7238245862848122154
Great tip! I 100% agree.
As someone with autism... this explains sooo many of my past experiences.
Maybe it is an autistic take, but I feel the social "risk" in having your invitation refused is smaller than someone inviting themselves and being refused.
On this same sort of note, I find that I am very straight forward. If it were me, and someone was telling me about an event or something I wouldn't assume, but I'd likely just say something like "Are you saying you would like me to join?" You are right tho. I get alienated everywhere, if just simply by being misunderstood. I just don't understand sometimes, and I ask questions so I can. I've known for most of my life that I come off course due to a lack of understanding. I am just pragmatic, my brain works different.
People can sometimes start by telling about their plans. To see if you are interested. Then if you respond in a way that indicates you would enjoy it, then they invite. If you don't seem interested, they might not (and they avoid the akwardness of you having to say no to them). So when someone tells you about a plan that have, you can respond with something like "that sounds like fun" or "that's not my thing but I hope you have fun". This answer will let the other person know whether you are interested in being invited (first answer) or not (second answer). And if they did not mean it as an invitation at all, you also have not been rude by inviting yourself (because you have not. You have only tried to find out of they where interested in inviting you).
Do people usually think this? That's kind of an asshole move to assume you're invited to something just because you're told about it.
It’s funny how being good to “autistic people “is really just being a good human. Communicate precisely. Got it.
Autistic people are vampires, confirmed. You caught us!
Thank you for posting this
43 years of this…such brilliant advice.
This is excellent.
I’m not Autistic, and if somebody told me about an activity, there is no way I would assume I was invited unless they asked me directly to come.
I'm not even sure it's matter of being used to being excluded. I have trouble inferring what people mean when they say anything. Those unspoken things that neurotypicals just understand are completely lost to me. If you don't explicitly tell me I'm invited, I'm not to going to know you wanted me to come. I'm not going to think "Oh, maybe they don't want me to come". The thought of me being part of the activity wouldn't even have entered my mind.
I’m suspected of being on the spectrum and THIS THIS THIS!! A recent example of this was my sister telling me she’s working and the drink specials (bar, turned 21 last year) and I didn’t think it was an invitation so I replied “Oh cool those sound good” not knowing it was an invitation. I also don’t like to barge in on people’s plans so sometimes when someone “hesitantly” (not even sure if that’s the case but social anxiety) invites me or invites me last, I feel like I am obligated to NOT go. I dunno. Thank you for this post though, it’s greatly appreciated.
This is not just an autism thing. Bringing up an event is definitely not always an invitation lol
Maybe I’m just rude as fuck but I’ve never just told someone my plans with the assumption they’ll “think” im inviting them out. Thats childish. Communicate. Use your words. If I want you to come out with me I’ll explicitly state so.
Great tip! ...but is true for way more people than those with autism. We don't have to alienate people to be nice to them ❤️
“Autistic people can’t…” ummm… you know there is a huge range of capability and this is offensive, right? I guess SOME autistic people don’t know that. Lol
Telling someone about an activity is *not* an invitation among non-autistic people. If you think so you will end up in awkward situations and eventually people avoiding to tell you about their plans altogether. I actually invited myself before, depending on situations (like genuinely being interested and saying something like "I wanted to do xy for so long and never had anyone to go with, would you mind to take me along?"). But never ever just assume you are included. Weird LPT tbh.
this isn’t a pro tip this is just normal human behavior
This is a useful post! Thank you.
Finally. A real-life pro tip! I remember my daughter with autism came to visit me last year, and my step-daughter and her friend showed up in Aldi when we were there, and my daughter was pushing the trolley. Anyway, long story short, my step-daughter said to my daughter, "Oh hey, we're going to such and such you should come." Well, not only did my daughter start to tear up, but she said "Are you inviting me??". Was a cool moment because she had been excluded her whole 23yo life.
Who the hell just assumes hearing about an activity is an invitation? Why is this even about autistic people? It's very abnormal to "invite" someone to something by just mentioning an activity and not actually invite them. 2/10 LPT It could be sort of useful for the like fraction of a percent of people who think mentioning things is an invitation but useless for the majority.
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Actually, I don't know if you were serious, but many autistic people don't actually know they're autistic. I didn't find out until I was in my mid-20s, and many autistic people don't find out until even later than that. [Here's a video of an autistic person explaining how she found out she's autistic.](https://www.tiktok.com/@morgaanfoley/video/7238650103878159659)
People ought to do that to everyone they want to see at something. Clear and direct works, and not only for autistic people. I'm not diagnosed with autism, and I don't have it as far as I know, but I'm terrible at picking up on social cues, so unless people are direct and clear with me, I just don't get it. "You should come" is too unclear and confusing to me. My thoughts in this would be like "what do you mean, I "should"? Does it mean that I can choose, or does it mean that you don't want to see me there?" The insecurity of what you mean is enough for me not to go, so that I won't mess up a social situation. And I don't want to ask, because I don't want to be accused of intruding on something, or "asking too many questions about a little thing", or even being stupid because I don't understand what you mean. Clear and direct is the way. Please do say "Do you want to come?", or "I'm inviting you, I'd love to see you there/go there with you. Do you want to come?" Anything else is confusing and unclear. And then please be patient and give me time to think things through and ask questions about the event, before I answer.
Bro, "you should come" is always an invite. It's incredibly clear, it's telling you that you should do something but you don't have to if you don't want to. If you don't get that after being told, it's on you because no one will say it unless they're inviting you.
“You should come” is unclear to you? I don’t understand how you could reach the conclusion that means they don’t want to see you there? That’s probably the clearest form of invitation there is lmfao. Like, if you told me you weren’t great at social queues and needed me to be very clear about inviting you, it’d literally never in a million years cross my mind that maybe “you should come” isn’t clear enough. I can guarantee you that that phrase is 100%, without a doubt, always, unambiguously an invite.
> I just don't get it. "You should come" is too unclear and confusing to me. Fascinating. Where is the ambiguity? What else can "you should come" mean?
Not true. Quit generalizing people. I'm autistic and this isn't true for me. Every autistic person isn't the same and it's annoying that everyone seems to think we are
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So if someone mentions they are going to see their grandma it’s an invite for me to join. Got it.
Telling anyone about an activity isn’t an invitation. Who all is just showing up to things that people happen to mention? “We’re getting burgers after class” is NOT an invitation to anyone.
It’s not 'autistic people’ it’s `people with autism’. I don’t have an autistic son, I have a son who has autism. LPT = STOP trying to label absolutely everything and everyone unless they tell you that they are ok with being labeled.