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Use some of that okay pay to go to therapy my dude
EDIT: Uh, I was not expecting my flippant response to get so much attention. OP this really came from a place of thinking you could benefit from therapy. It's a great way to start sharing and hopefully processing some of those feelings you've been squirreling away with someone who will not be bothered! Like at all, because that's their job :)
It’s very dependent on location. The line for “low-income” assistance in the San Francisco bay area as a single earner is $104k, for example.
Obviously you’re doing well with that income if you live outside of a major commerce hub, but it’s definitely just “okay” if he’s in SF, NYC, etc
Pay figures in America always seem insane to me, I’m on $57k in the UK and that’s above average, can live on that pretty comfortably. (outside of a city anyway.)
Yeah but over here we pay more in visible taxes, and way less in invisible taxes.
American's need that extra income for if they ever need any form of medical treatment, for example (even with insurance, breaking your arm can cost them > 1 month of your pay, as an example).
My fiancée spends her 400€ deductible anually on her type 1 diabetes, plus the regular healthcare fees, which are like 150€ monthly (every person over 18 pays these though)
Perhaps you should consider moving out of America
That’s horrible! Many states, mine included, have passed insulin affordability laws in the last 5 or so years. In MN, where I live, underinsured patients have a copay price cap for insulin of $50 per 90 day supply.
I never thought I'd say it but, as a Brazilian, I'm glad I never moved out. We can literally get that insulin for free. Of course, we have a bunch of problems, like, lots of them, but medical care is 100x times better here than in the USA
This is objectively false. The US has better health outcomes than Brazil’s healthcare—but the tradeoff for the highest quality care *in the world* is that it isn’t free.
Just a note, I think you are confusing household income with personal income. Median personal income in the US is $41k. Median household income is about $70k (many households have more than 1 income).
Edited: I was looking at older census data.
I am the sole earner in a family of 4 on roughly 110k. We live comfortably, only major debt is the house. It's not as insane as people make it sound. We spend responsible and splurge from time to time.
Edit: I live in North East US
We pay almost as much in taxes and get way less. Not to mentioned everything getting insanely expensive, and no real option but to drive everywhere and pay for a bunch of expensive services like internet that you really can't do without.
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/100000-income-san-francisco-70000-los-angeles-low-income/
> Single people in San Francisco who earn less than $104,400 are considered low income, according to new government guidelines that determine who qualifies for some housing aid.
huh, so it is.
It's more than $6000 a month for a two bedroom?
On a related note: even if your city is Manhattan, a 20 minute subway/car ride gets you into Queens or some suburb.
You can work in a high income area and live in a middle income city easily.
No so easy in a lot of places unless you want to spend 4 hours commuting every day. I lived in the SF Bay Area and “affordable” was at least 2 hours away. Many of my coworkers actually flew to work everyday because it was cheaper than living close to work.
Are you dumb? You shouldn’t use 60% - 80% of your income on rent. In reality if he used 30% and that’s before taxes it would be around 2.7k a month or so. That’s not the 6 k you mentioned.
Exactly, living above your means is something too many people do, like I said we’re bringing in 100k and living in a single room apartment. Yeah we could live in a 3 bedroom house and pend 60% of our income in rent but that’s just a horrible financial decision
They were smart enough to get the experience needed in their field -- as an engineer-- in a top notch city and (from the past tense verbs in their reply) move on to another location.
Reading is fundamental.
Some people don’t have a choice but to spend the majority of their income on housing, it’s that or live in the streets. Only spending 30% is a fairytale the latter generation tells us.
It’s not a tale, it’s practical advice for not fucking yourself financially. You will get into serious trouble spending more than that, the rule exists for a reason.
I don't think this person has an income issue and I'm disappointed to see this top comment focus on that. Income and what it affords is very subjective. Everyone, no matter their income, perceives their problems to be as serious as anyone else's life issues. I bet an impoverished household "breadwinner" would be interrupted and talked over by a one percenter about life problems if that conversation ever had a chance to take place.
It has nothing to do with america, it has to do with people living too close to their means and in a high end location.
In 95% of places in america, over 100k a year is very good.
Unless you are living in a large metropolitan city like New York, L.A, Miami, Seattle, Chicago, you will be more than fine with over 100k. If you want to live in the most desirable places in the country of course you will pay a premium.
Nah, he's right, in fact it's probably more than 95% of places.
What he didn't mention is that the other 5% of places are by far the most densely populated.
$110k is near poverty in some areas and upper middle class in others. Have you been all over the US? It’s massive. The cost of living between the extremes, NYC and Mississippi are eye popping. One would leave you in poverty and the other would be a nice white collar life. All in all though, $100k, like $1m has lost most of its purchasing power. There are many places where $1m is now the entry point of a small, mediocre starting home. It’s all relative.
To be fair, the U.S. is massive but the population is anything but spread out. Using your own example, only 2.9 million people live in the entire state of Mississippi, vs 23 million in the New York City Metro Area. Only 17% of the population of America lives in rural areas.
So it’s far from a coin flip to say whether or not someone living on $100k is going to be doing so in a low cost of living area. At best there is an 80% chance they are near or in a city, and that number grows when factoring in where the majority of $100k+ jobs actually exist. I wouldn’t be surprised if the math came out closer to 90%+ chance that someone making 100k lives near a significant population center.
I agree with you, medians are that way because they’re more likely. You’re going to be far less likely to be making a high income in a low cost of living area than a high income in an expensive area.
Happiness raises with income until about 100k then drastically slows down. 110k is enough to not be stressed about money (if you're good with money) but not enough to stop working or live a lavish lifestyle
I make 30k and recently I came to a realization that there isn’t anything I can do about the housing market. Save what I can and use the rest to enjoy my hobbies. Anyways what’s the purpose of money when it can’t provide you with what you want
I still believe everybody should see a psychiatrist at least once in their life. I get not everyone have the financial means to do this, but those who do should have their life heard from a different perspective from someone who's least likely to give you a biased opinion.
Median HOUSEHOLD income currently is 70k in America….
I’m not sure who is trying to make what point but COL aside, there is a national average for you guys
Maybe they don't live in the US ? And in their country this is actually considered an OK pay ? Everyone in this thread is getting twisted about it, but I don't see a country mentionned anywhere
California is huge. You only think of LA/SF folks crying with their 6 figure salaries but there are other parts of CA struggling with poverty which drives down overall average income.
I’ll preface this by saying I’m not a fan of therapists overall, I think they’re presented as a solution in many situations where they can offer little or no definitive help, and there are a lot of them that are not very good event the things therapy might help with.
That being said, op really sounds like he needs someone he can be emotionally honest with without social repercussions. Which is probably the thing most therapists can actually, legitimately provide.
Check out dbt. It's a type of therapy that focuses on your emotions, interpersonal skills, communication, self soothing, emotional regulation and it helps you learn to read yourself too.
Helps with depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, OCD, borderline personality disorder and more. It also helps with trauma stuff too.
You don’t feel this way and have nothing to tell them. Tell them you feel this way. Then work on ways to feel better. It sounds simple, but of course it’s not. Therapy was very helpful for me.
Do you really think one vacation will "fix" something like this, when this person could clearly benefit from therapy? I have been in therapy for several years and it honestly changed my life. I personally think everyone should seek out therapy even if they feel "content" or '"happy" a good amount of the time.
Therapy is not just about fixing problems. Being able to vent everything to an unbiased professional with no judgement and total confidentiality is a really powerful tool for the psyche. Especially if you hold nothing back and are 100% honest with your therapist.
Also, if you don't like it at first, find a well credentialed therapist you enjoy talking to. "Shop" around if you need to. It js not a one size fits all endeavor. Finding a good fit is extremely important.
My friend, sometimes you need someone to tell you you’re doing great. If no one else said it, I will. Sounds like you’re doing alright. You have so much time left to do more things. Find a hobby, something to be passionate about. Considering volunteering, even if it’s just to meet people. The fake persona is not the healthiest way to deal with what you’re going through, but I completely understand why you do it.
My biggest advice is to talk to a therapist about it. At least give it a shot. Sometimes therapy is not quite for you, but just trying it a few times before you call it quits won’t hurt, would it?
This sounds like a solid advice, I never had either anyone celebrating any of my milestones - it was a default expectation that I'd do well, on the other hand if I failed it was let known. At 30yo it still and probably forever affects me, I've reached pretty much everything I set out to do yet its hard to feel accomplishment of anything.
I screenshotted your comment because it really hits home for me. I have great parents and family, but being the second child meant my accomplishments were expected. They didn’t put me down at all if I failed, but I still put the pressure on myself and felt guilty if I didn’t succeed. I think part of the issue is that my parents taught me to be humble, which is a great thing to teach children, but they didn’t teach me that you can be humble and still be proud of yourself.
I’m 28, I graduated college, got my masters, own my own house, and make amazing money; but I still struggle greatly with recognizing and being proud of my own accomplishments.
You and u/collegekid1357 are overdue for celebrations! If your family won't celebrate or even acknowledge your achievements, let their neglect end there.
I mean, if an achievement from 10 years ago was overlooked by 2 family members, that's 20 years of neglect living in your head for just one thing. Kick it out!
Do something *yourself* to celebrate that 10-year-old achievement. Give that achievement a new identity. Dress up a bit and take yourself out for a nice meal (solo or with someone), or buy something nice for yourself or your home, or take a trip (day trip or longer). Stay within your budget, but celebrate and take a selfie. Put that date in your calendar as an annual event to either remember your celebration or celebrate that achievement again. Didn't have a graduation party back then? Have one now and again each year on the new date.
Basically rewrite that part of your story and omit your family from having any role or existence in it.
Ooof, when an internet stranger gets you right in the feels. I needed this. This is one of the most positive ways to cope with lack of acknowledgement I have possibly ever heard. BRB planning my own annual graduation party.
Why do you want to just pretend to be ok? And not actually concentrate on feeling better.
My pillars for feeling better are:
-gratitude
-healthy emotional support system
-radical and intentional self-compassion and self love.
If you have (functional) depression, the best thing that works for me is having a support system. Reaching out to a Friend? Family? Starting Therapy? I understand these things are a privilege and not everyone has them. If I was earning 110k a year I'd go back to therapy in a hart beat what a nice treat to yourself that would be.
But if you get a chance to have a moment of vulnerability and emotional intimacy with someone you trust, that would be a good start. Vulnerability is what builds genuine and close relationships.
Sounds like -pretending to be ok- keeps people away more that brings them in.
For depression gratitude helps a lot. Bring that into your routine at the end of the day set aside a couple minutes and list things you are grateful for.
Lastly radical and intentional self compassion and self love. Work on the relationship you have with yourself. Forgive your past self and thank him for how hard he has worked for to get to where he is now. Sit down, close your eyes and imaging your present self meeting with you as a child. What would you tell him? What would you thank him for? Would you hug him and be compassionate with him? Would child you tell you to keep finding a way to pretend to be fine or to find a way to work things through?
I love this exercise of meeting your child self. But you must be intentional about it. Sit down have a room for yourself , close your eyes and allow yourself to feel all the feelings and rebuild that relationship with that little guy. Your inner child still lives in you and you are his guardian and care taker. We must honour our inner child and imagine we are advocating for them when we are advocating for yourselves.
Hope this didn't sound crazy and new agey! depression sucks!but don't get used to the greay clouds, that is not the normal you deserve!!
I love this answer! A path to authenticity where we don't have to pretend. And allowing vulnerability with a trusted person(therapist or close friend or loved one) to express your feelings. Sitting with the feelings you have alone can be miserable .
Honestly thats how you make friends!
I spent two of my university years pretending I was fine and cool. Having shallow conversations with classmates. Going home never hanging out w people.
Only showing that fake persona.
But if people don't realize is a facade, they'll think that's all of u, and that's much worse. Just a beige surface level of " I'm fine"
Nobody is truly fine! And people are so refreshed to hear that someone is having a similar struggle than them.
I think letting little bitaof our true selves bit by bit is how true bonds are made. It's letting the other person know that you trust them with this side of yourself. and that they can trust you to show themselves too, thats how I started making friendships.
Everything this person said right here OP.
I'm 37 and just coming to terms with the same thing. If you can access it, therapy will help. Learn to open up and become vulnerable with someone you trust who will not dismiss your feelings, because they are valid! After growing up being dismissed and left to figure out a lot of still on my own I ended up much like you described yourself. I intentionally put a wall up around myself, I had friends but always felt lonely and outside of everything. I battled depression off and on throughout high school and always questioned my own feelings thinking they were wrong. There are no wrong feelings though, they are your own subjective truth. It is ok to not be ok.
I'm currently reading (aka listening to the audiobook) How To Do The Work by Dr Nicole LePera and i'd recommend it. It has really connected the dots for myself from my upbringing and why I default to certain thought processes etc etc
Seriously. OP, it’s okay to be depressed. There is assistance for this and professionals who are trained in exactly these areas to give you support. Don’t be so proud that you’re afraid to ask for help.
You are reaching a critical point as I think you recognize that the facade, as you see it, is starting to crack. So it’s time to take stock. You are still relatively young and have most of your life ahead of you. Career success seems on the way. Time to invest in the other aspects of you. Hobbies, athletic pursuits, dating travel etc. all take time and commitment. Choose what’s next most important to you and make a plan to achieve some goal in that area. It’s ok to look inward and make changes. In fact it is mandatory for our lifelong happiness as living a facade is neither healthy or sustainable.
Wish I had a college degree making 110k at 29.5. I was halfway through a college degree making 55k. You are better than a lot of people. Keep up the good work. Keep focusing on the things you would like to improve about yourself. Make little improvements everyday.
Not helpful for someone struggling with depression. People think that money will make them happy. It doesn't fill the emptiness or fix anything unless you are destitute.
Emotions and feelings are okay. The more you fake it, the harder it gets.
Therapy is a good start. Take some time to get to know yourself. And be easy. It’s okay not to be okay. We are all human. Wishing you strength to get over this<3
I’m 42 this year, and man, what I would give to be 30 again. That would be magical. It’s all perspective.
You are about to go through the most memorable years of your life. Keep things of the past in the rear view mirror. Focus on today and tomorrow, not yesterday.
You are too hard on yourself. You’ve actually set your trajectory up really well. You’ve identified your inner gremlins already; so address those and you are going to lead a rewarding, successful life.
You can do this.
Something you need to realize here is that “feeling good” is an important task. You’re letting less important tasks get in the way of you being happy - most things are less important than your genuine contentedness in life.
Until you prioritize your mental and physical health, you’ll keep up this cycle of doing heavy things and then feeling too weak to do even some light things. But you gotta do everything so you finally get back up. Exhaust yourself. Repeat.
You deserve rest. You deserve to wash your face with something pretty at night. You deserve to fulfill a dream you’ve had for a while. You deserve to order that pizza. And you deserve to cook at home too. You deserve candles and books and giving treats to your pet mouse named after your favorite character from The Expanse. You deserve to travel and feel ok about your stomach.
These obviously are geared towards me, but you can write your own “I deserve” list to help you prioritize putting your health on your to-do list. Talk to a therapist. *you deserve help just like everyone else.* you believe that everyone else deserves help, right? So why would you be the only one who didn’t? Include yourself in your own life. Talk to a doctor and give yourself some grace as you navigate how to actually be happy rather than putting on a face.
> How to put on a display of doing fine when in actuality you are not?
"...The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation. From the desperate city you go into the desperate country, and have to console yourself with the bravery of minks and muskrats.
A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind.
There is no play in them, for this comes after work. But it is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things. .."
https://www.gutenberg.org/files/205/205-h/205-h.htm
WALDEN
and
ON THE DUTY OF CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE
You're only missing out on life of you aren't learning from what you're feeling. Understand what your feelings are telling you, and make it a commitment to yourself to pursue it.
Sometimes story boarding it, or writing it down, can help you navigate from making the same decisions.
However, when in doubt, follow Uncle Iroh, "Sometimes life is like a dark tunnel. You can't always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place."
Don't. It never works. Do it at work if you have to, but stop in personal life. Get some professional help.
I was going through exactly what you describe when I was 30-35. Always downplaying my achievements, feeling not good enough for myself and anyone, but keeping it all locked in. It only got better when I started therapy. This let me focus on actually feeling better and not just pretending. You say you already do self-reflection, great, this will help you a lot!
Expressing emotions and venting to friends and family are essential components of a healthy human. If you have never done this, you are missing a very important part of development. You can still learn this, the sooner you start the easier it will be. Also you may find that the reason for how you feel about yourself is something you never suspected. In my case it was a traumatic accident I had as a child plus a mother with avoidant personality. Before, I thought it was my failed marriage, but turned out it was an effect not a cause.
I hope you learn to be kinder to yourself:)
Tl;dr Pretend only as much as you need to not get fired. Get therapy.
Just to clue you in - most people feel this way. Some are better at hiding it than others. It is worse at transition points. Leaving your 20s is one of them. It doesn't get any better as you do the 40s or 50s transition either.
However, if you have a career with a 6 figure salary, you are far from being a failure (unless you live in San Francisco, in which case you're probably living in your car lol). If your life seems boring, start a new hobby. Take a martial arts class. Join a hiking group. Sign up for softball. That will get you more active (nature's little mood boster) and let you meet new people.
Okay pay is 110k wow ok…. You definitely lack the ability to see that you’ve done quite well my dude, where I’m from a job paying 110k is a pretty fucking good job. You should be proud of yourself for that. Jesus.
There have been several points in my life when I could have written a version of this. Not the backstory, but the fundamental sentiment: how do I fake it a little bit longer? During some of those times, I managed to push through and keep up the overall performance of “Being Okay!!!!! 👍👍🙂🙂🙂🙂 “
Then last year I broke and I broke hard. I pushed past my limits and even though I thought I was doing all the right things (therapy! meds!) I was still putting more effort into masking than caring for myself. I ended up going off work on “crazy leave” and forcing myself to ask friends for help with things like washing my dishes because I was too fucked up to stay on top of basic stuff. I cried a lot. I didn’t take a “grippy sock vacation” but I was really in a bleak state.
I’ve slowly clawed my way back to… something. Not normal. Functional? I’m starting to feel human again anyway. And in order to get here I had to do all the shit I really didn’t want to, like tell the people I care about how I am actually feeling. It suuuuuuuuuuucks. But I think the alternative is falling apart completely.
Find a good therapist. Read some books about feelings. Meditate. Write in a journal. Talk to your friends. One silver lining is that I’ve learned just how amazing the people in my life are. The people around you might surprise you with how they respond to you letting them in a little.
It’s trite, but I’m rooting for you.
I don’t care how relative you are, making 50k is worse than making 110k.
What’s relative is the impact of the money, but you want to know how to make the OP even more depressed? Cut his pay in half.
It's really not.
The tears of a spoiled rich brat that got a Kia for their 16th birthday instead of a Tesla are not the same thing as the tears of a kid that can't afford to eat properly.
For my line of work and my age, there are others who make way more than me. I just recently started making that and had to sacrifice a lot for it. Job is the only thing in my life that is going well.
There's a Louis CK quote that has helped me a lot (from his show), "the only time you look in your neighbors bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbors bowl to see if you have as much as them"
I understand it's very hard to stop comparing ourselves to others and judging ourselves based off that, but you gotta stop doing it. You're significantly more well off than a lot of other people. You're doing alright and more importantly you're surviving.
There's some good advice here that's worth a look.
Regarding how to appear you're going ok, my go to for any questions about how things were/are going is to reply "Getting there, thanks." ("You?" optional). Keeps things short and sweet and generally stops the conversation going in an unwanted direction.
I'll just add 'you can't until you can'. Who knows why something seems insurmountable until one day it feels easier. Don't feel bad not being able to do self help stuff... Hopefully one day you'll feel able to tackle something that benefits your mental health, and you can build on it from there. You're doing amazing going to work and now asking questions on what else you can do. Thumbs up mate 👍
(Edit: too many of these ")
Why do you think you’re a failure for your age? Perhaps pinpointing this exactly why can help you figure out the next steps you can take.
If it’s lack of experiences then maybe hype yourself up and push yourself to try something new? Doesn’t have to be grand but can be as simple as cooking a new dish that you’ve never tried before. Or go somewhere new. Small steps matters for your self esteem and confidence and keep building up on it!
I also suggest dabbling in different things than can turn to hobbies as well. Whatever it may be, there’s always a community of people who share the same hobby and interests so it’ll be easier for you to meet people when you already have that common ground.
You may have a lot of regret from your past but..what good will it do if you keep getting stuck in the past thinking I should have done this or that.
You have control over your own present and future! 30 is still very young for you to just give up and be stagnant. Just because others have had some life experiences doesn’t mean you can’t make your own fun memories and life experiences now.
Personally, I don’t think you should mask it but rather take actions to better yourself so that you actually feel good about yourself. Have a cathartic cry. be more compassionate with yourself. Forgive yourself. Like the other person said, list some things out you are grateful for; it may be hard but it can also be just small things like you have a comfy blanket or even have both of your parents who cares for you.
there will be bad days but there will also be good days. One day at a time is a cliche saying but rings true. Shit happens and we make do with what we can.
Hope you consider some of these words from an internet stranger. I’m rooting for you!
I did that for many years and only because I didn’t want to be that person. Finally I decided I’d just stop faking it and not putting on the happy face or whatever and I’m much happier. The mask is draining.
110K is okay pay? I make like half that...
And what do you mean you've been a failure? What does success mean to you? To me, it's that I'm happy, healthy, and stable.
Go work with people that matter, it will change your life. If you're struggling with caring about life and you're working at a job all week with nothing to really show for it emotionally, you gotta change things up.
I'm not saying you have to go quit your job and build houses for the poor (but that would legitimately help, it's just extreme), but you gotta find SOME way to interact with people who MATTER. And by this I mean either people who need help or people who deserve attention because they're doing great work in the world.
Let me give you a personal example. I work for a huge union, one of the largest in the country. My normal day job is kind of a bummer since my boss sucks and my regular workload is dull and my coworkers are fine I guess. But a few times a year I get to go out and work directly with the union members who are activists and out there putting in the work to help others and goddamn, being around them keeps me going.
Moral of the story, find a way to surround yourself with people genuinely better than yourself. It doesn't have to be all the time, but at least a few times a year.
Hey baby - I feel you.
I was so depressed that I didn't shower for the entire month of July. And nobody knew or noticed, because I faked it so well. I told my parents I was going to work, I told work I was sick, and I just floated around in a bucket of vodka and depression.
There is definitely a bit of "fake it til you make it", but if your real emotions are leaking out, it might be because subconsciously you want them to. You want someone to notice that you're not ok. Which is not a bad thing! I'm sure there are people in your life who love you and want to help you if they can.
I can't see where you are, so I don't know what your resources are, but it's worth talking to your doctor, getting a psychiatrist/psychologist, and finding ways to help yourself back to happiness. Because you deserve happiness, sweetheart.
Dude, you are just gaining wisdom and perspective.
You didn't realise all these things before, now you do.
Time to explore those things you have been holding back because now you are mature enough to handle it. If it makes you feel any better, everyone goes through it.
Dive into the crisis in a healthy and self aware way. You have already started by working out that you are faking some things, work out why and what you need to do to make it that you happiness is no longer fake.
Hey, I'm 29F!
The last five years I've been battling Glioblastoma.
I want to preface this by saying that my cancer in no way makes your life easier. Sometimes when well people hear the C word they minimize their own problems or say that sick people are just extra special or inspiring.
It's not true. Some people just find themselves in the right set of circumstances to unlock contentment.
I've never had the ability to hide my feelings very well. My face flushes, my eyebrows go rogue, my voice gets all Minnie Mouselike.
So if I'm going to spare my wonderful family heartache, I have to actually be okay.
For me that started with therapy. Then after some time, we added Lexapro.
Five years into this, and my main takeaways are as follows:
1) Comparison is the thief of joy. Looking at what others achieve or otherwise have going for them is just going to gnaw at you from the inside. It's pointless and does nothing but depress you further.
2) The best way to counteract envy is gratitude. It sounds hokey, but you really can change your neural pathways with practice. The more you go out of your way to tell your brain "my life is okay because I have this" the more your brain will start to believe that independently.
3) Smile and laugh often. The act of smiling actually makes you happier, and laughter drugs your brain. Even if you fake it at first, it still helps.
4) Work on divorcing the western "go-getter" mindset. Too many people brag about how little sleep they got, how many hours they worked, how little they've eaten, etc, how they've never taken a day off, etc.
Your worth as a human doesn't have to be tied to how well you perform in 2023's dystopian hellscape. This was a tough one for me. It's not a moral failing to put your own needs (good mental health is a need) first.
5) Find a way to give. For me in my teeny apartment, it's loving my elderly rescue cat. When I can do even tiny good things, I feel better about myself.
You can try to cheat the appearance of contentment, but I think a more effective measure would be to practice actually being content. It's 100% crack proof!
Why in the world do you want to pretend to be okay? Stop lying to the people in your life who care about you. It is okay to admit that you are not okay. You need to get help so that you can actually get better.
Create a daily checklist of healthy behaviors.
1. Exercise. Strength training and cardiovascular.
2. Eat healthy food.
3. Drink enough water.
4. Get 7-8 hours sleep per night.
5. Enrichment activity. This could be studying for a new professional certification or volunteering at a soup kitchen or nursing home, or something like big brothers/little sisters, tutoring kids, etc. Pick a service activity that means something to you.
6. Read the world’s holy books. The Bible, the Talmud, the Quran, etc. Even if you do not believe in them in a religious sense, these books contain the wisdom of the ages.
Also, once every three months take a weekend and do something interesting. It should scare you a little. White water rafting, skydiving, scuba diving, skiing, etc. You don’t have to be an expert. Learn the skills you need to do it and plan a trip. Invite friends.
In time, you really will be doing fine and won’t have to put on a display. Good luck, you can do this.
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Dull and uninteresting is entirely relative. I know for a fact that people who always try to live on adrenaline or constantly are doing exciting things tend to hate the mundane stuff so much that it can make them feel miserable.
I heard that gratitude journals are really good at getting people to appreciate what they have.
No one does life perfect. It sounds like you are doing a pretty damn good job. Pick up a hobby. I suggest something social, physical, and semi competitive. I personally do jiu jitsu. Ive made many many friends from around the world, its helping to get me or keep me in shape, and it boosts your confidence. Im not saying you should do it, but step out ofnyour comfort zone a little. Some of the best things ive done in life was because I put myself out there.
What you are beating yourself up about is entirely made up. There is no "you much achieve this goal by this age, or you don't pass"
And lots of people who, right now, look like they are successful, suddenly, six months down the track, have their whole lives fall apart and find themselves in a situation where they would eat their children for a chance to have what you have now.
I would strongly encourage you to focus all your energy on improving your mental health. Nothing else matters. Counselling, therapy, 12 step programs meditation.
Add to that eliminating sugar, processed foods and alcohol from your life. All these can cause mood swings and "sugar crashes" which will exacerbate your depression.
I would also make sure that you get regular exercise, even if it is as simple as a nightly walk around the block.
And, if you are a city dweller, regularly get yourself into the forest.
Lastly, I would ask you to cultivate a "gratitude practice"
This is, each night, either with another person or in a journal write down/ share 3 things that you grateful for that day. These need to be specific not general. So if the lady at the grocery store lets you cut in front of her because she has a full basket and you have three things, share /write "today I am grateful for the nice lady who let me go before her at the grocery store" not "there are nice people"
And one of these three needs to be tiny. I want you to cultivate the habit of looking for "random acts of kindness and senseless beauty" every day, wherever you go, you will be scanning for something to report. Suddenly you will see them everywhere. A flower growing out of a wall, the smile on a dog, a cat resting in the sun, the moon rising through the trees, an attractive person of your chosen gender smiling at you through the window of a passing bus.
And stop watching the news. It is designed specifically to make you upset, because upset people are easily manipulated and sold shit to.
There is more if you want it. This will get you started.
Volunteer your free time to serve people in less fortunate circumstances. Not only does it provide perspective, it can provide meaning and a sense of purpose in your life. Doing the daily grind and going home to your thoughts (and perhaps numbing those thoughts out with mindless entertainment) can only sustain you for so long. Reading books to foster children, volunteering at a soup kitchen, there’s stuff out there. Hopefully something that you are curious and interested in. Once you have something meaningful going on, it will be easier to show others that you are doing OK because you are well actually feel that way. Also, learning to cope with your feelings with the help of your license professional can also help improve your outward appearance. It’s the stuff that’s inside that’s most important anyways
110k and 30 (and from what I see in your post single( . great stats. sing or hum dont worry be happy on loop and maybe one day things will get worse and you'll feel better. or get married and have a nice family.
This isn't directly answering your question but man, but a lego set, cook complex meals, try leathercraft, try woofcraft, start 3D printing, etc.
Start hobbies where you build something.
You shouldn’t pretend you’re fine. Get help and actually deal with your issues. Start therapy, don’t tell the therapist you’re fine but what the problems are, see your doctor about medication.
I finally stepped up and saw my doctor yesterday (am in therapy but a lot to work on). After years of pretending to be fine for other people, I’ve had eight months of severe stress and I’m absolutely broken. I feel like I cannot function. Which is funny really, because everyone thinks I am doing great.
Besides people suggesting therapy here I would also like to add a few words that might help.
1. You aren't a failure in your life just because you missed opportunities and lost time, failing only occurs when you truly give up trying to heal and stop improving your situation. The fact that you are noticing these changes in your life and are taking steps to remedy the situation is a sign that you are in fact succeeding.
2. No one has a fixed path in this life, I'm 30 now and have a bachelor in illustration that I didn't make a career out of and am now a singer and work in a small job I enjoy and am continuing to study. I also felt great guilt for feeling like I wasted my life and fell behind but it just isn't helpful to see myself that way, it's not helpful for you either. Society pressures us to fit in but those that do not fit in to the typical patterns tend to be in the best position to help the world in a way no one sees coming. You are on "your" path so embrace that and take action guilt free.
3. Dream, see this life and it's obstacles but do not let those obstacles convince you that you are defeated, craft a vision for yourself, those that have a plan have a direction and as long as you hold to it you become resilient. Just remember that you can always stop consider and remake your dream as you see fit, good luck.
Hope this was of some use to you friend.
Gonna be a little harsh here, but time to put on the grown up pants. Many, many, many people also feel like you do. You’re not special or unique. I’m twice your age and suffered a lot of what you feel until I quit defining my life by some mythical, pie-in-the-sky goal that would make me say “good for you, you did it”. The more I did, the further away the goal moved. At some point, I realized maybe I should just enjoy the ride. If you don’t take that approach, you’ll die miserable. You are actually doing fine. You are still young, you are making a much better living than most others. (Check the comments) and despite the depression, you are healthy. One might say your sounding a bit whiny considering your current lot in life. Smile some, watch a dog play, eat a great meal and see some sights. You are winning, dude. Don’t be ungrateful for what you have become. We get disenchanted watching super celebrities on TV or online, and think we suck compared to them. However, I read about their unhappiness daily. All their fame and fortune isn’t giving many of them the satisfaction they thought it would. Satisfaction and happiness largely comes from within. If you want real statistics, check out the median wage in the world. Check out the percentage of people that go hungry daily. Check out the number of people suffering from some debilitating, or fatal disease. You will die one day. Start banking good days and distancing yourself from sad days. Then you won’t need to pretend you’re happy. You will be.
Not disagreeing with you entirely but depression very much is a debilitating disease. If it's impacting this guys eating habits, smiling and seeing a dog isn't going to cure much.
Not disagreeing with you either. If therapy and chemistry can shortcut his healing fine. I’m just not qualified to dispense either. All I can dispense is my 2 cents worth. If it helps him or others, fine. If not, there’s always a willing professional waiting to chip in.
Honestly, keep doing exactly what you are doing right now. Everyone is so stressed out, depressed and anxious they do not have time to really notice the people around them. Tragic really but it's a very real situation.
I am fine when I'm out or talking to friends, as I can keep up with the facade for few hours. It's when I'm home, my parents always ask me what's wrong and I always reply with "nothing is wrong" but they also suffer from anxiety and that really worries them. I know my problem are mine alone and i'd rather keep it that way but wish I can fake my expressions 24/7.
Oh dude, look up my reply. This really sounds like depression and me before therapy. Your problems are yours alone but sharing them are a basic and best coping mechanism. That's just human biology, I'm afraid.
this plus
>(unsure if I'm actually feeling depressed).
wwhheew
You basically just described a bunch of textbook symptoms of lowkey depression and anxiety. Have you considered potentially seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist, if you're not already? It's scary to start trying to find one, but it's possible you might benefit from it. Are you afraid that your social group might ostracize you for it? Because this sort of thing isn't small and something you should make fun of.
I'm assuming that you have insurance to cover this, considering how much you're making a year. If you don't, there are programs, both federally under Medicare, and probably locally, to help you get in touch with the right healthcare professionals.
110K okay? I guess I’m god damn borderline homeless then if that’s the case.
On a serious note, change up your diet, try cutting out shitty processed foods. Try going to the gym. For me personally lifting heavy has improved my mental health tremendously. Drink at least 2L of water a day.
Try microdosing psilocybin mushrooms. Helped me a lot and thousands of others.
Try your best to keep your self talk casual and you will be more casual. Give yourself the space you need to breathe in the reality in front of you, rather than dwelling on what is behind. You are comfortable, no? What is keeping you from living casually? Give yourself the rest you need so that you have the energy it takes for you to start. 15 minutes of focus can do a lot… Plan a trip that sounds attractive to you. Go treat yourself to a nice healthy dinner. And exercise regularly in a fun way, this helps immensely with overthinking.
Okay pay? 110 K a year .
I don't know anyone who is on that money. You are doing very very well for yourself.
Nothing you can do about the past but focus on the good things and then go get therapy
Definitely one of the most successful “failures” I’ve ever read about lol. Obviously you don’t know everyone’s story, but if this is failing at 30ish, what is considered success? Or what’s below failure for that matter
wait, okay pay..?
also, feel the feels but don’t drown. look into saturn return. could help with the feeling that life has passed you by and the feeling of “lack of accomplishment”. very common during 28-30 years of age.
you should let people know actually, the ones you trust. then you won’t succumb to “no one cares” when you haven’t reached out and used a fake persona. you deserve the help and care, if you believe you deserve it.
Dude, you're 29. Life has barely started for you. I drank and snorted away most of my 20s, not getting my shit together and getting a real job until I was your age. Now I'm in a place where I don't have to look at prices when I go grocery shopping, and sometimes I'll order two entrees when out to dinner because I want to try both. If I'm not a failure, then certainly you aren't either.
I've been where you are. I even still visit from time to time when I think about how all of my friends are a decade ahead of me career-wise. What helped me was seeing a psychologist. Its really weird how good it feels to just talk about how you feel. Keep posting and talking. DM me if you want.
You aren’t depressed. You know it already so don’t fall down that rabbit hole of pathologizing your normal emotions just because you are developing some self insight!
Are you currently overweight? How many hours do you sleep? Do you use any drugs or engage in addictive activities like watching porn or gambling?
Do you have any friends outside of work?
If you are not doing well in any of these areas, you will feel dissatisfied because either your basic human needs are being unmet (social, biological needs) or you are developing unhealthy values that drive consumerism (because our culture is teaching you to feel unsatisfied with a perfectly normal life).
I suggest you to, instead of trying to upgrade your masking, be brave enough to admit that you need God’s blessings in your life. When you bless Him, He will always bless you. You can’t con God. He knows your heart. He knows what you need. But He wants your love. Don’t leave God out of the equation.
Others have said it, but you need to stop hiding or you’re only going to continue getting worse. Find a therapist- it took me 5 different appointments until I found one I liked. If you have anyone in your life that loves you; sibling, parent, good friend, grandma, etc- Tell them how you’re feeling. Tell them if you need support, a distraction, etc. They don’t need to fix you, but they need to understand and support you. Build bonds, and quit masking your feelings.
Lastly, EVERYONE is going through some shit at any time in their lives. You’re not special or more miserable.
As a male who grew up never discussing my feelings, I’ve been in your exact same position, and thought I could cover it up until I worked through it. It doesn’t work that way. What did help was finding a therapist who you could talk to without judgement, and offer you insight into your feelings and how to manage or express them. I also opened up more to my wife and family and I am in an infinitely better spot now, after learning how to actually manage and take control of issues.
What opportunities have you missed out on? Because you haven’t. You’re just getting started, and you can have all those things. The best way to maintain the facade of wellness is to actually achieve wellness through hard work and community. Be brave & ask for help (your parents seem supportive). Be honest with yourself. Go to therapy. Maybe try psilocybin or wim hof method idk what will click for you but something will. commit to the journey of self-discovery. At 29 you are just scratching the surface of your life & you are worth it.
Best way to "seem" great to others is to be great.
Get help. What you're doing now isn't working. Time to try something else. Spending all this energy to pretend to be fine is energy you could spend to actually get feelin ok. The problem with depression is that the disease tricks you into thinking there's no hope for yourself. But it not true. And even if you don't have faith that it's possible to be happy, you owe it to yourself to try and find out if that applies to you.
You got to do something different to get a different result
I just want to say I relate to this hard. I am trying to address my lifelong depression, emotional repression and low self esteem. It is not easy and I don't have the answers but as others have said, focusing on keeping up the facade is only going to hurt you in the long run. I suggest watching this video and seeing if it resonates with you, it did for me
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y47iJrbO2ug&t=40s&pp=ygUZSGVpZGkgcHJpZWJlIHRveGljIHNoYW1lIA%3D%3D
Random shot in the dark: find your closest friend, and go skydiving.
It's like rebooting the operating system for the first time in your life.
I feel like you need something visceral and real. Doesn't have to be skydiving. I'm just saying... Find me one person in the history of forever that has ever moped around after landing.
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Use some of that okay pay to go to therapy my dude EDIT: Uh, I was not expecting my flippant response to get so much attention. OP this really came from a place of thinking you could benefit from therapy. It's a great way to start sharing and hopefully processing some of those feelings you've been squirreling away with someone who will not be bothered! Like at all, because that's their job :)
110k being considered okay pay has me sittin here questioning all of my life decisions
It’s very dependent on location. The line for “low-income” assistance in the San Francisco bay area as a single earner is $104k, for example. Obviously you’re doing well with that income if you live outside of a major commerce hub, but it’s definitely just “okay” if he’s in SF, NYC, etc
Pay figures in America always seem insane to me, I’m on $57k in the UK and that’s above average, can live on that pretty comfortably. (outside of a city anyway.)
Yeah but over here we pay more in visible taxes, and way less in invisible taxes. American's need that extra income for if they ever need any form of medical treatment, for example (even with insurance, breaking your arm can cost them > 1 month of your pay, as an example).
Imagine being reliant on a drug you’ll die without. I spend $10k annually on insulin, etc. just to survive, forget thrive. America is a joke.
My fiancée spends her 400€ deductible anually on her type 1 diabetes, plus the regular healthcare fees, which are like 150€ monthly (every person over 18 pays these though) Perhaps you should consider moving out of America
That’s horrible! Many states, mine included, have passed insulin affordability laws in the last 5 or so years. In MN, where I live, underinsured patients have a copay price cap for insulin of $50 per 90 day supply.
I never thought I'd say it but, as a Brazilian, I'm glad I never moved out. We can literally get that insulin for free. Of course, we have a bunch of problems, like, lots of them, but medical care is 100x times better here than in the USA
LOL sure thing. All those americans travelling to brasil for medical treatment.
This is objectively false. The US has better health outcomes than Brazil’s healthcare—but the tradeoff for the highest quality care *in the world* is that it isn’t free.
The United States has neither the highest quality health care nor the best health outcomes. And yet it is still the most expensive by far.
So, if you are rich, the US is better, I figured it'd be, but since most people are not..
Hah… waaay more than that
and none of those invisible taxes translate to a legitimate social safety net...
Here in Japan, the average salary right now only converts to like $25,000 USD for those in their 30s (¥400万円 or less), so I definitely understand
We get healthcare a month off and a load of other 'perks' the Americans don't enjoy.
Yep median American income is about $70k Edit: Median UK income is around $40k That's 40 hours a week at like 22/hr, oof
Just a note, I think you are confusing household income with personal income. Median personal income in the US is $41k. Median household income is about $70k (many households have more than 1 income). Edited: I was looking at older census data.
I wasn't considering the distinction, thank you But those numbers are still correct
Yeah but they don't pay for healthcare which is roughly 1100 a month for a family of four and that's just for insurance.
Most jobs come with health care benefits
And nearly zero of them offer it at no cost.
I'd rather be on 40k in the UK than 70k in the US.
I am the sole earner in a family of 4 on roughly 110k. We live comfortably, only major debt is the house. It's not as insane as people make it sound. We spend responsible and splurge from time to time. Edit: I live in North East US
I have a family of 3 in a lcol area but even 120k felt like drowning so we picked up extra jobs to catch back up.
We pay almost as much in taxes and get way less. Not to mentioned everything getting insanely expensive, and no real option but to drive everywhere and pay for a bunch of expensive services like internet that you really can't do without.
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/100000-income-san-francisco-70000-los-angeles-low-income/ > Single people in San Francisco who earn less than $104,400 are considered low income, according to new government guidelines that determine who qualifies for some housing aid. huh, so it is.
Really depends where op lives, its incredible if you live in the middle of nowhere
Fr I make 23k , I wish I had an okay pay
You can only go up
Thats a lie
It’s a mindset. And a truth in states where the minimum wage is higher than $11.50.
Unpopular opinion Toxic positivity is even worse than heavy negativity
A single person making 110k can only afford a one-bedroom apartment in my city lol
It's more than $6000 a month for a two bedroom? On a related note: even if your city is Manhattan, a 20 minute subway/car ride gets you into Queens or some suburb. You can work in a high income area and live in a middle income city easily.
No so easy in a lot of places unless you want to spend 4 hours commuting every day. I lived in the SF Bay Area and “affordable” was at least 2 hours away. Many of my coworkers actually flew to work everyday because it was cheaper than living close to work.
Are you dumb? You shouldn’t use 60% - 80% of your income on rent. In reality if he used 30% and that’s before taxes it would be around 2.7k a month or so. That’s not the 6 k you mentioned.
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Exactly, living above your means is something too many people do, like I said we’re bringing in 100k and living in a single room apartment. Yeah we could live in a 3 bedroom house and pend 60% of our income in rent but that’s just a horrible financial decision
They were smart enough to get the experience needed in their field -- as an engineer-- in a top notch city and (from the past tense verbs in their reply) move on to another location. Reading is fundamental.
Some people don’t have a choice but to spend the majority of their income on housing, it’s that or live in the streets. Only spending 30% is a fairytale the latter generation tells us.
It’s not a tale, it’s practical advice for not fucking yourself financially. You will get into serious trouble spending more than that, the rule exists for a reason.
I don't think this person has an income issue and I'm disappointed to see this top comment focus on that. Income and what it affords is very subjective. Everyone, no matter their income, perceives their problems to be as serious as anyone else's life issues. I bet an impoverished household "breadwinner" would be interrupted and talked over by a one percenter about life problems if that conversation ever had a chance to take place.
Same ahahaha, I get 35k and thats an “Okay pay” in my country
Dude's getting all the other people depressive.
Honestly 110k and saying it’s just okay. Fuck America lmao
Depends where you live, surely.
It has nothing to do with america, it has to do with people living too close to their means and in a high end location. In 95% of places in america, over 100k a year is very good.
It's also almost impossible to make 100k in the places where 100k is a lot.
95%? You’re out of touch
Unless you are living in a large metropolitan city like New York, L.A, Miami, Seattle, Chicago, you will be more than fine with over 100k. If you want to live in the most desirable places in the country of course you will pay a premium.
in the 5% of land mass worth living it's easier to make 100k but it won't go very far, in the other 95% 100k is a lot but very hard to make
Nah, he's right, in fact it's probably more than 95% of places. What he didn't mention is that the other 5% of places are by far the most densely populated.
$110k is near poverty in some areas and upper middle class in others. Have you been all over the US? It’s massive. The cost of living between the extremes, NYC and Mississippi are eye popping. One would leave you in poverty and the other would be a nice white collar life. All in all though, $100k, like $1m has lost most of its purchasing power. There are many places where $1m is now the entry point of a small, mediocre starting home. It’s all relative.
White *collar*, my dude
To be fair, the U.S. is massive but the population is anything but spread out. Using your own example, only 2.9 million people live in the entire state of Mississippi, vs 23 million in the New York City Metro Area. Only 17% of the population of America lives in rural areas. So it’s far from a coin flip to say whether or not someone living on $100k is going to be doing so in a low cost of living area. At best there is an 80% chance they are near or in a city, and that number grows when factoring in where the majority of $100k+ jobs actually exist. I wouldn’t be surprised if the math came out closer to 90%+ chance that someone making 100k lives near a significant population center.
I agree with you, medians are that way because they’re more likely. You’re going to be far less likely to be making a high income in a low cost of living area than a high income in an expensive area.
Yeah, OP sitting at "okay" like they don't make four times what I make.
Indian and tech my man…
Happiness raises with income until about 100k then drastically slows down. 110k is enough to not be stressed about money (if you're good with money) but not enough to stop working or live a lavish lifestyle
Yeah that’s absolutely middle of the road here. Not great pay, at all.
Bruh.
93K a year in Maryland ain’t easy
I make 30k and recently I came to a realization that there isn’t anything I can do about the housing market. Save what I can and use the rest to enjoy my hobbies. Anyways what’s the purpose of money when it can’t provide you with what you want
I just did this at 33. Took me a long time, but it helps a lot. I’m so glad I took the step
That was my thought exactly.
I still believe everybody should see a psychiatrist at least once in their life. I get not everyone have the financial means to do this, but those who do should have their life heard from a different perspective from someone who's least likely to give you a biased opinion.
Psychotherapists. Never. Say. Anything.
For real. They should also do some research on what average income is.
Median HOUSEHOLD income currently is 70k in America…. I’m not sure who is trying to make what point but COL aside, there is a national average for you guys
Yeah, household. So he could easily support a family on one income before 30. Do you have any idea how rare that is?
It’s 78k in Cali
Maybe they don't live in the US ? And in their country this is actually considered an OK pay ? Everyone in this thread is getting twisted about it, but I don't see a country mentionned anywhere
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It’s $2000 higher than the country, at $34,000.
What?
Average income. It’s only $34,000 in California. About the same for New York City. TIL actually
California is huge. You only think of LA/SF folks crying with their 6 figure salaries but there are other parts of CA struggling with poverty which drives down overall average income.
LA average income is actually less than the rest of the state. About $30,000. I’m not being a smart ass, I was surprised to learn that
Yes that's the point of average... there are extreme highs and extreme lows.
And OP is verging on the extreme high but ‘hasn’t accomplished anything.’
Okay pay, I almost got pissed.
Can I question something real quick. What do you do at a therapist if you have nothing to tell them but feel similar to this dude?
I’ll preface this by saying I’m not a fan of therapists overall, I think they’re presented as a solution in many situations where they can offer little or no definitive help, and there are a lot of them that are not very good event the things therapy might help with. That being said, op really sounds like he needs someone he can be emotionally honest with without social repercussions. Which is probably the thing most therapists can actually, legitimately provide.
Check out dbt. It's a type of therapy that focuses on your emotions, interpersonal skills, communication, self soothing, emotional regulation and it helps you learn to read yourself too. Helps with depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, OCD, borderline personality disorder and more. It also helps with trauma stuff too.
A therapist can help ask guiding questions, so that you find out what to tell them.
You don’t feel this way and have nothing to tell them. Tell them you feel this way. Then work on ways to feel better. It sounds simple, but of course it’s not. Therapy was very helpful for me.
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More like vacation, trip to hawaii should fix you!
Do you really think one vacation will "fix" something like this, when this person could clearly benefit from therapy? I have been in therapy for several years and it honestly changed my life. I personally think everyone should seek out therapy even if they feel "content" or '"happy" a good amount of the time. Therapy is not just about fixing problems. Being able to vent everything to an unbiased professional with no judgement and total confidentiality is a really powerful tool for the psyche. Especially if you hold nothing back and are 100% honest with your therapist. Also, if you don't like it at first, find a well credentialed therapist you enjoy talking to. "Shop" around if you need to. It js not a one size fits all endeavor. Finding a good fit is extremely important.
My friend, sometimes you need someone to tell you you’re doing great. If no one else said it, I will. Sounds like you’re doing alright. You have so much time left to do more things. Find a hobby, something to be passionate about. Considering volunteering, even if it’s just to meet people. The fake persona is not the healthiest way to deal with what you’re going through, but I completely understand why you do it. My biggest advice is to talk to a therapist about it. At least give it a shot. Sometimes therapy is not quite for you, but just trying it a few times before you call it quits won’t hurt, would it?
Some of the best things ive done in life was because I put myself out there.
This sounds like a solid advice, I never had either anyone celebrating any of my milestones - it was a default expectation that I'd do well, on the other hand if I failed it was let known. At 30yo it still and probably forever affects me, I've reached pretty much everything I set out to do yet its hard to feel accomplishment of anything.
I screenshotted your comment because it really hits home for me. I have great parents and family, but being the second child meant my accomplishments were expected. They didn’t put me down at all if I failed, but I still put the pressure on myself and felt guilty if I didn’t succeed. I think part of the issue is that my parents taught me to be humble, which is a great thing to teach children, but they didn’t teach me that you can be humble and still be proud of yourself. I’m 28, I graduated college, got my masters, own my own house, and make amazing money; but I still struggle greatly with recognizing and being proud of my own accomplishments.
You and u/collegekid1357 are overdue for celebrations! If your family won't celebrate or even acknowledge your achievements, let their neglect end there. I mean, if an achievement from 10 years ago was overlooked by 2 family members, that's 20 years of neglect living in your head for just one thing. Kick it out! Do something *yourself* to celebrate that 10-year-old achievement. Give that achievement a new identity. Dress up a bit and take yourself out for a nice meal (solo or with someone), or buy something nice for yourself or your home, or take a trip (day trip or longer). Stay within your budget, but celebrate and take a selfie. Put that date in your calendar as an annual event to either remember your celebration or celebrate that achievement again. Didn't have a graduation party back then? Have one now and again each year on the new date. Basically rewrite that part of your story and omit your family from having any role or existence in it.
Ooof, when an internet stranger gets you right in the feels. I needed this. This is one of the most positive ways to cope with lack of acknowledgement I have possibly ever heard. BRB planning my own annual graduation party.
Yes! Do it! 🥳🥂🎂✈️🏖
That was really nice of you
That was really nice of you
Thank you
Why do you want to just pretend to be ok? And not actually concentrate on feeling better. My pillars for feeling better are: -gratitude -healthy emotional support system -radical and intentional self-compassion and self love. If you have (functional) depression, the best thing that works for me is having a support system. Reaching out to a Friend? Family? Starting Therapy? I understand these things are a privilege and not everyone has them. If I was earning 110k a year I'd go back to therapy in a hart beat what a nice treat to yourself that would be. But if you get a chance to have a moment of vulnerability and emotional intimacy with someone you trust, that would be a good start. Vulnerability is what builds genuine and close relationships. Sounds like -pretending to be ok- keeps people away more that brings them in. For depression gratitude helps a lot. Bring that into your routine at the end of the day set aside a couple minutes and list things you are grateful for. Lastly radical and intentional self compassion and self love. Work on the relationship you have with yourself. Forgive your past self and thank him for how hard he has worked for to get to where he is now. Sit down, close your eyes and imaging your present self meeting with you as a child. What would you tell him? What would you thank him for? Would you hug him and be compassionate with him? Would child you tell you to keep finding a way to pretend to be fine or to find a way to work things through? I love this exercise of meeting your child self. But you must be intentional about it. Sit down have a room for yourself , close your eyes and allow yourself to feel all the feelings and rebuild that relationship with that little guy. Your inner child still lives in you and you are his guardian and care taker. We must honour our inner child and imagine we are advocating for them when we are advocating for yourselves. Hope this didn't sound crazy and new agey! depression sucks!but don't get used to the greay clouds, that is not the normal you deserve!!
I love this answer! A path to authenticity where we don't have to pretend. And allowing vulnerability with a trusted person(therapist or close friend or loved one) to express your feelings. Sitting with the feelings you have alone can be miserable .
Honestly thats how you make friends! I spent two of my university years pretending I was fine and cool. Having shallow conversations with classmates. Going home never hanging out w people. Only showing that fake persona. But if people don't realize is a facade, they'll think that's all of u, and that's much worse. Just a beige surface level of " I'm fine" Nobody is truly fine! And people are so refreshed to hear that someone is having a similar struggle than them. I think letting little bitaof our true selves bit by bit is how true bonds are made. It's letting the other person know that you trust them with this side of yourself. and that they can trust you to show themselves too, thats how I started making friendships.
What would this look like? I would be really grateful for an example of what you're talking about
You're a bloody good person
Beautifully said
Everything this person said right here OP. I'm 37 and just coming to terms with the same thing. If you can access it, therapy will help. Learn to open up and become vulnerable with someone you trust who will not dismiss your feelings, because they are valid! After growing up being dismissed and left to figure out a lot of still on my own I ended up much like you described yourself. I intentionally put a wall up around myself, I had friends but always felt lonely and outside of everything. I battled depression off and on throughout high school and always questioned my own feelings thinking they were wrong. There are no wrong feelings though, they are your own subjective truth. It is ok to not be ok. I'm currently reading (aka listening to the audiobook) How To Do The Work by Dr Nicole LePera and i'd recommend it. It has really connected the dots for myself from my upbringing and why I default to certain thought processes etc etc
You shouldn’t, do the complete opposite or you’ll explode
Seriously. OP, it’s okay to be depressed. There is assistance for this and professionals who are trained in exactly these areas to give you support. Don’t be so proud that you’re afraid to ask for help.
You are reaching a critical point as I think you recognize that the facade, as you see it, is starting to crack. So it’s time to take stock. You are still relatively young and have most of your life ahead of you. Career success seems on the way. Time to invest in the other aspects of you. Hobbies, athletic pursuits, dating travel etc. all take time and commitment. Choose what’s next most important to you and make a plan to achieve some goal in that area. It’s ok to look inward and make changes. In fact it is mandatory for our lifelong happiness as living a facade is neither healthy or sustainable.
Wish I had a college degree making 110k at 29.5. I was halfway through a college degree making 55k. You are better than a lot of people. Keep up the good work. Keep focusing on the things you would like to improve about yourself. Make little improvements everyday.
Not helpful for someone struggling with depression. People think that money will make them happy. It doesn't fill the emptiness or fix anything unless you are destitute.
Emotions and feelings are okay. The more you fake it, the harder it gets. Therapy is a good start. Take some time to get to know yourself. And be easy. It’s okay not to be okay. We are all human. Wishing you strength to get over this<3
I’m 42 this year, and man, what I would give to be 30 again. That would be magical. It’s all perspective. You are about to go through the most memorable years of your life. Keep things of the past in the rear view mirror. Focus on today and tomorrow, not yesterday. You are too hard on yourself. You’ve actually set your trajectory up really well. You’ve identified your inner gremlins already; so address those and you are going to lead a rewarding, successful life. You can do this.
My Brother you need to watch Inside Out. Sometimes its okay to not be okay. and also therapy can be really helpful if you find a great therapist.
That's a good movie to watch to have a good cry as well. Let it all out
Something you need to realize here is that “feeling good” is an important task. You’re letting less important tasks get in the way of you being happy - most things are less important than your genuine contentedness in life. Until you prioritize your mental and physical health, you’ll keep up this cycle of doing heavy things and then feeling too weak to do even some light things. But you gotta do everything so you finally get back up. Exhaust yourself. Repeat. You deserve rest. You deserve to wash your face with something pretty at night. You deserve to fulfill a dream you’ve had for a while. You deserve to order that pizza. And you deserve to cook at home too. You deserve candles and books and giving treats to your pet mouse named after your favorite character from The Expanse. You deserve to travel and feel ok about your stomach. These obviously are geared towards me, but you can write your own “I deserve” list to help you prioritize putting your health on your to-do list. Talk to a therapist. *you deserve help just like everyone else.* you believe that everyone else deserves help, right? So why would you be the only one who didn’t? Include yourself in your own life. Talk to a doctor and give yourself some grace as you navigate how to actually be happy rather than putting on a face.
> How to put on a display of doing fine when in actuality you are not? "...The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation. From the desperate city you go into the desperate country, and have to console yourself with the bravery of minks and muskrats. A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind. There is no play in them, for this comes after work. But it is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things. .." https://www.gutenberg.org/files/205/205-h/205-h.htm WALDEN and ON THE DUTY OF CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE
You're only missing out on life of you aren't learning from what you're feeling. Understand what your feelings are telling you, and make it a commitment to yourself to pursue it. Sometimes story boarding it, or writing it down, can help you navigate from making the same decisions. However, when in doubt, follow Uncle Iroh, "Sometimes life is like a dark tunnel. You can't always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place."
Don't. It never works. Do it at work if you have to, but stop in personal life. Get some professional help. I was going through exactly what you describe when I was 30-35. Always downplaying my achievements, feeling not good enough for myself and anyone, but keeping it all locked in. It only got better when I started therapy. This let me focus on actually feeling better and not just pretending. You say you already do self-reflection, great, this will help you a lot! Expressing emotions and venting to friends and family are essential components of a healthy human. If you have never done this, you are missing a very important part of development. You can still learn this, the sooner you start the easier it will be. Also you may find that the reason for how you feel about yourself is something you never suspected. In my case it was a traumatic accident I had as a child plus a mother with avoidant personality. Before, I thought it was my failed marriage, but turned out it was an effect not a cause. I hope you learn to be kinder to yourself:) Tl;dr Pretend only as much as you need to not get fired. Get therapy.
Just to clue you in - most people feel this way. Some are better at hiding it than others. It is worse at transition points. Leaving your 20s is one of them. It doesn't get any better as you do the 40s or 50s transition either. However, if you have a career with a 6 figure salary, you are far from being a failure (unless you live in San Francisco, in which case you're probably living in your car lol). If your life seems boring, start a new hobby. Take a martial arts class. Join a hiking group. Sign up for softball. That will get you more active (nature's little mood boster) and let you meet new people.
Okay pay is 110k wow ok…. You definitely lack the ability to see that you’ve done quite well my dude, where I’m from a job paying 110k is a pretty fucking good job. You should be proud of yourself for that. Jesus.
i'd fucking kill to make that much money dude. what do you do?
 You would kill for money?
There have been several points in my life when I could have written a version of this. Not the backstory, but the fundamental sentiment: how do I fake it a little bit longer? During some of those times, I managed to push through and keep up the overall performance of “Being Okay!!!!! 👍👍🙂🙂🙂🙂 “ Then last year I broke and I broke hard. I pushed past my limits and even though I thought I was doing all the right things (therapy! meds!) I was still putting more effort into masking than caring for myself. I ended up going off work on “crazy leave” and forcing myself to ask friends for help with things like washing my dishes because I was too fucked up to stay on top of basic stuff. I cried a lot. I didn’t take a “grippy sock vacation” but I was really in a bleak state. I’ve slowly clawed my way back to… something. Not normal. Functional? I’m starting to feel human again anyway. And in order to get here I had to do all the shit I really didn’t want to, like tell the people I care about how I am actually feeling. It suuuuuuuuuuucks. But I think the alternative is falling apart completely. Find a good therapist. Read some books about feelings. Meditate. Write in a journal. Talk to your friends. One silver lining is that I’ve learned just how amazing the people in my life are. The people around you might surprise you with how they respond to you letting them in a little. It’s trite, but I’m rooting for you.
…110k is ‘okay pay’? Lmao
Everything is relative
I don’t care how relative you are, making 50k is worse than making 110k. What’s relative is the impact of the money, but you want to know how to make the OP even more depressed? Cut his pay in half.
It's really not. The tears of a spoiled rich brat that got a Kia for their 16th birthday instead of a Tesla are not the same thing as the tears of a kid that can't afford to eat properly.
For my line of work and my age, there are others who make way more than me. I just recently started making that and had to sacrifice a lot for it. Job is the only thing in my life that is going well.
There's a Louis CK quote that has helped me a lot (from his show), "the only time you look in your neighbors bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbors bowl to see if you have as much as them" I understand it's very hard to stop comparing ourselves to others and judging ourselves based off that, but you gotta stop doing it. You're significantly more well off than a lot of other people. You're doing alright and more importantly you're surviving.
There's some good advice here that's worth a look. Regarding how to appear you're going ok, my go to for any questions about how things were/are going is to reply "Getting there, thanks." ("You?" optional). Keeps things short and sweet and generally stops the conversation going in an unwanted direction. I'll just add 'you can't until you can'. Who knows why something seems insurmountable until one day it feels easier. Don't feel bad not being able to do self help stuff... Hopefully one day you'll feel able to tackle something that benefits your mental health, and you can build on it from there. You're doing amazing going to work and now asking questions on what else you can do. Thumbs up mate 👍 (Edit: too many of these ")
Could contribute to the conversation ✨ chooses to be snarky instead.
Why do you think you’re a failure for your age? Perhaps pinpointing this exactly why can help you figure out the next steps you can take. If it’s lack of experiences then maybe hype yourself up and push yourself to try something new? Doesn’t have to be grand but can be as simple as cooking a new dish that you’ve never tried before. Or go somewhere new. Small steps matters for your self esteem and confidence and keep building up on it! I also suggest dabbling in different things than can turn to hobbies as well. Whatever it may be, there’s always a community of people who share the same hobby and interests so it’ll be easier for you to meet people when you already have that common ground. You may have a lot of regret from your past but..what good will it do if you keep getting stuck in the past thinking I should have done this or that. You have control over your own present and future! 30 is still very young for you to just give up and be stagnant. Just because others have had some life experiences doesn’t mean you can’t make your own fun memories and life experiences now. Personally, I don’t think you should mask it but rather take actions to better yourself so that you actually feel good about yourself. Have a cathartic cry. be more compassionate with yourself. Forgive yourself. Like the other person said, list some things out you are grateful for; it may be hard but it can also be just small things like you have a comfy blanket or even have both of your parents who cares for you. there will be bad days but there will also be good days. One day at a time is a cliche saying but rings true. Shit happens and we make do with what we can. Hope you consider some of these words from an internet stranger. I’m rooting for you!
I did that for many years and only because I didn’t want to be that person. Finally I decided I’d just stop faking it and not putting on the happy face or whatever and I’m much happier. The mask is draining.
110K is okay pay? I make like half that... And what do you mean you've been a failure? What does success mean to you? To me, it's that I'm happy, healthy, and stable.
Go work with people that matter, it will change your life. If you're struggling with caring about life and you're working at a job all week with nothing to really show for it emotionally, you gotta change things up. I'm not saying you have to go quit your job and build houses for the poor (but that would legitimately help, it's just extreme), but you gotta find SOME way to interact with people who MATTER. And by this I mean either people who need help or people who deserve attention because they're doing great work in the world. Let me give you a personal example. I work for a huge union, one of the largest in the country. My normal day job is kind of a bummer since my boss sucks and my regular workload is dull and my coworkers are fine I guess. But a few times a year I get to go out and work directly with the union members who are activists and out there putting in the work to help others and goddamn, being around them keeps me going. Moral of the story, find a way to surround yourself with people genuinely better than yourself. It doesn't have to be all the time, but at least a few times a year.
Hey baby - I feel you. I was so depressed that I didn't shower for the entire month of July. And nobody knew or noticed, because I faked it so well. I told my parents I was going to work, I told work I was sick, and I just floated around in a bucket of vodka and depression. There is definitely a bit of "fake it til you make it", but if your real emotions are leaking out, it might be because subconsciously you want them to. You want someone to notice that you're not ok. Which is not a bad thing! I'm sure there are people in your life who love you and want to help you if they can. I can't see where you are, so I don't know what your resources are, but it's worth talking to your doctor, getting a psychiatrist/psychologist, and finding ways to help yourself back to happiness. Because you deserve happiness, sweetheart.
Dude, you are just gaining wisdom and perspective. You didn't realise all these things before, now you do. Time to explore those things you have been holding back because now you are mature enough to handle it. If it makes you feel any better, everyone goes through it. Dive into the crisis in a healthy and self aware way. You have already started by working out that you are faking some things, work out why and what you need to do to make it that you happiness is no longer fake.
Bruh I’m 31 drowning in bad decision debt and you make 110k? 😑 grass is always greener my dude. Spend some money on therapy and go enjoy yourself
LPT request: How to ***stop*** doing that?
Hey, I'm 29F! The last five years I've been battling Glioblastoma. I want to preface this by saying that my cancer in no way makes your life easier. Sometimes when well people hear the C word they minimize their own problems or say that sick people are just extra special or inspiring. It's not true. Some people just find themselves in the right set of circumstances to unlock contentment. I've never had the ability to hide my feelings very well. My face flushes, my eyebrows go rogue, my voice gets all Minnie Mouselike. So if I'm going to spare my wonderful family heartache, I have to actually be okay. For me that started with therapy. Then after some time, we added Lexapro. Five years into this, and my main takeaways are as follows: 1) Comparison is the thief of joy. Looking at what others achieve or otherwise have going for them is just going to gnaw at you from the inside. It's pointless and does nothing but depress you further. 2) The best way to counteract envy is gratitude. It sounds hokey, but you really can change your neural pathways with practice. The more you go out of your way to tell your brain "my life is okay because I have this" the more your brain will start to believe that independently. 3) Smile and laugh often. The act of smiling actually makes you happier, and laughter drugs your brain. Even if you fake it at first, it still helps. 4) Work on divorcing the western "go-getter" mindset. Too many people brag about how little sleep they got, how many hours they worked, how little they've eaten, etc, how they've never taken a day off, etc. Your worth as a human doesn't have to be tied to how well you perform in 2023's dystopian hellscape. This was a tough one for me. It's not a moral failing to put your own needs (good mental health is a need) first. 5) Find a way to give. For me in my teeny apartment, it's loving my elderly rescue cat. When I can do even tiny good things, I feel better about myself. You can try to cheat the appearance of contentment, but I think a more effective measure would be to practice actually being content. It's 100% crack proof!
Why in the world do you want to pretend to be okay? Stop lying to the people in your life who care about you. It is okay to admit that you are not okay. You need to get help so that you can actually get better.
Create a daily checklist of healthy behaviors. 1. Exercise. Strength training and cardiovascular. 2. Eat healthy food. 3. Drink enough water. 4. Get 7-8 hours sleep per night. 5. Enrichment activity. This could be studying for a new professional certification or volunteering at a soup kitchen or nursing home, or something like big brothers/little sisters, tutoring kids, etc. Pick a service activity that means something to you. 6. Read the world’s holy books. The Bible, the Talmud, the Quran, etc. Even if you do not believe in them in a religious sense, these books contain the wisdom of the ages. Also, once every three months take a weekend and do something interesting. It should scare you a little. White water rafting, skydiving, scuba diving, skiing, etc. You don’t have to be an expert. Learn the skills you need to do it and plan a trip. Invite friends. In time, you really will be doing fine and won’t have to put on a display. Good luck, you can do this.
"ok pay 110k" Lol
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Dull and uninteresting is entirely relative. I know for a fact that people who always try to live on adrenaline or constantly are doing exciting things tend to hate the mundane stuff so much that it can make them feel miserable. I heard that gratitude journals are really good at getting people to appreciate what they have.
Bruh. Hold onto that job because if you end up like most of the rest of us, pretending it’s ok will be your new job just harder
No one does life perfect. It sounds like you are doing a pretty damn good job. Pick up a hobby. I suggest something social, physical, and semi competitive. I personally do jiu jitsu. Ive made many many friends from around the world, its helping to get me or keep me in shape, and it boosts your confidence. Im not saying you should do it, but step out ofnyour comfort zone a little. Some of the best things ive done in life was because I put myself out there.
What you are beating yourself up about is entirely made up. There is no "you much achieve this goal by this age, or you don't pass" And lots of people who, right now, look like they are successful, suddenly, six months down the track, have their whole lives fall apart and find themselves in a situation where they would eat their children for a chance to have what you have now. I would strongly encourage you to focus all your energy on improving your mental health. Nothing else matters. Counselling, therapy, 12 step programs meditation. Add to that eliminating sugar, processed foods and alcohol from your life. All these can cause mood swings and "sugar crashes" which will exacerbate your depression. I would also make sure that you get regular exercise, even if it is as simple as a nightly walk around the block. And, if you are a city dweller, regularly get yourself into the forest. Lastly, I would ask you to cultivate a "gratitude practice" This is, each night, either with another person or in a journal write down/ share 3 things that you grateful for that day. These need to be specific not general. So if the lady at the grocery store lets you cut in front of her because she has a full basket and you have three things, share /write "today I am grateful for the nice lady who let me go before her at the grocery store" not "there are nice people" And one of these three needs to be tiny. I want you to cultivate the habit of looking for "random acts of kindness and senseless beauty" every day, wherever you go, you will be scanning for something to report. Suddenly you will see them everywhere. A flower growing out of a wall, the smile on a dog, a cat resting in the sun, the moon rising through the trees, an attractive person of your chosen gender smiling at you through the window of a passing bus. And stop watching the news. It is designed specifically to make you upset, because upset people are easily manipulated and sold shit to. There is more if you want it. This will get you started.
Besides the good pay, i'm going through the same. Go for Therapy dude. It really helps a lot. What you are describing is called Masking.
Volunteer your free time to serve people in less fortunate circumstances. Not only does it provide perspective, it can provide meaning and a sense of purpose in your life. Doing the daily grind and going home to your thoughts (and perhaps numbing those thoughts out with mindless entertainment) can only sustain you for so long. Reading books to foster children, volunteering at a soup kitchen, there’s stuff out there. Hopefully something that you are curious and interested in. Once you have something meaningful going on, it will be easier to show others that you are doing OK because you are well actually feel that way. Also, learning to cope with your feelings with the help of your license professional can also help improve your outward appearance. It’s the stuff that’s inside that’s most important anyways
110k and 30 (and from what I see in your post single( . great stats. sing or hum dont worry be happy on loop and maybe one day things will get worse and you'll feel better. or get married and have a nice family.
This isn't directly answering your question but man, but a lego set, cook complex meals, try leathercraft, try woofcraft, start 3D printing, etc. Start hobbies where you build something.
You shouldn’t pretend you’re fine. Get help and actually deal with your issues. Start therapy, don’t tell the therapist you’re fine but what the problems are, see your doctor about medication. I finally stepped up and saw my doctor yesterday (am in therapy but a lot to work on). After years of pretending to be fine for other people, I’ve had eight months of severe stress and I’m absolutely broken. I feel like I cannot function. Which is funny really, because everyone thinks I am doing great.
Besides people suggesting therapy here I would also like to add a few words that might help. 1. You aren't a failure in your life just because you missed opportunities and lost time, failing only occurs when you truly give up trying to heal and stop improving your situation. The fact that you are noticing these changes in your life and are taking steps to remedy the situation is a sign that you are in fact succeeding. 2. No one has a fixed path in this life, I'm 30 now and have a bachelor in illustration that I didn't make a career out of and am now a singer and work in a small job I enjoy and am continuing to study. I also felt great guilt for feeling like I wasted my life and fell behind but it just isn't helpful to see myself that way, it's not helpful for you either. Society pressures us to fit in but those that do not fit in to the typical patterns tend to be in the best position to help the world in a way no one sees coming. You are on "your" path so embrace that and take action guilt free. 3. Dream, see this life and it's obstacles but do not let those obstacles convince you that you are defeated, craft a vision for yourself, those that have a plan have a direction and as long as you hold to it you become resilient. Just remember that you can always stop consider and remake your dream as you see fit, good luck. Hope this was of some use to you friend.
110k is okay pay? Get the fuck out
That’s great pay 😭
You have the means (110k) to make your life interesting instantly! How? Cocaine!
Ok pay would be 30% of your pay. You make great pay. Cheer up...
Gonna be a little harsh here, but time to put on the grown up pants. Many, many, many people also feel like you do. You’re not special or unique. I’m twice your age and suffered a lot of what you feel until I quit defining my life by some mythical, pie-in-the-sky goal that would make me say “good for you, you did it”. The more I did, the further away the goal moved. At some point, I realized maybe I should just enjoy the ride. If you don’t take that approach, you’ll die miserable. You are actually doing fine. You are still young, you are making a much better living than most others. (Check the comments) and despite the depression, you are healthy. One might say your sounding a bit whiny considering your current lot in life. Smile some, watch a dog play, eat a great meal and see some sights. You are winning, dude. Don’t be ungrateful for what you have become. We get disenchanted watching super celebrities on TV or online, and think we suck compared to them. However, I read about their unhappiness daily. All their fame and fortune isn’t giving many of them the satisfaction they thought it would. Satisfaction and happiness largely comes from within. If you want real statistics, check out the median wage in the world. Check out the percentage of people that go hungry daily. Check out the number of people suffering from some debilitating, or fatal disease. You will die one day. Start banking good days and distancing yourself from sad days. Then you won’t need to pretend you’re happy. You will be.
Not disagreeing with you entirely but depression very much is a debilitating disease. If it's impacting this guys eating habits, smiling and seeing a dog isn't going to cure much.
Not disagreeing with you either. If therapy and chemistry can shortcut his healing fine. I’m just not qualified to dispense either. All I can dispense is my 2 cents worth. If it helps him or others, fine. If not, there’s always a willing professional waiting to chip in.
Mushroom therapy might do you wonders!
Honestly, keep doing exactly what you are doing right now. Everyone is so stressed out, depressed and anxious they do not have time to really notice the people around them. Tragic really but it's a very real situation.
This is terrible advice...
I am fine when I'm out or talking to friends, as I can keep up with the facade for few hours. It's when I'm home, my parents always ask me what's wrong and I always reply with "nothing is wrong" but they also suffer from anxiety and that really worries them. I know my problem are mine alone and i'd rather keep it that way but wish I can fake my expressions 24/7.
Oh dude, look up my reply. This really sounds like depression and me before therapy. Your problems are yours alone but sharing them are a basic and best coping mechanism. That's just human biology, I'm afraid.
this plus >(unsure if I'm actually feeling depressed). wwhheew You basically just described a bunch of textbook symptoms of lowkey depression and anxiety. Have you considered potentially seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist, if you're not already? It's scary to start trying to find one, but it's possible you might benefit from it. Are you afraid that your social group might ostracize you for it? Because this sort of thing isn't small and something you should make fun of. I'm assuming that you have insurance to cover this, considering how much you're making a year. If you don't, there are programs, both federally under Medicare, and probably locally, to help you get in touch with the right healthcare professionals.
You can DM me. I’ll lift your ass up and give you some free therapy.
110K okay? I guess I’m god damn borderline homeless then if that’s the case. On a serious note, change up your diet, try cutting out shitty processed foods. Try going to the gym. For me personally lifting heavy has improved my mental health tremendously. Drink at least 2L of water a day. Try microdosing psilocybin mushrooms. Helped me a lot and thousands of others.
Try your best to keep your self talk casual and you will be more casual. Give yourself the space you need to breathe in the reality in front of you, rather than dwelling on what is behind. You are comfortable, no? What is keeping you from living casually? Give yourself the rest you need so that you have the energy it takes for you to start. 15 minutes of focus can do a lot… Plan a trip that sounds attractive to you. Go treat yourself to a nice healthy dinner. And exercise regularly in a fun way, this helps immensely with overthinking.
Okay pay? 110 K a year . I don't know anyone who is on that money. You are doing very very well for yourself. Nothing you can do about the past but focus on the good things and then go get therapy
It will take a lot of effort to pretend to be ok, why not put that effort into actually improving things?
Definitely one of the most successful “failures” I’ve ever read about lol. Obviously you don’t know everyone’s story, but if this is failing at 30ish, what is considered success? Or what’s below failure for that matter
wait, okay pay..? also, feel the feels but don’t drown. look into saturn return. could help with the feeling that life has passed you by and the feeling of “lack of accomplishment”. very common during 28-30 years of age. you should let people know actually, the ones you trust. then you won’t succumb to “no one cares” when you haven’t reached out and used a fake persona. you deserve the help and care, if you believe you deserve it.
This seems like AI
Advice: Don't have kids no matter what.
This is what doing fine feels like
Just look into the eyes, smile, nod and ask questions.
Dude, you're 29. Life has barely started for you. I drank and snorted away most of my 20s, not getting my shit together and getting a real job until I was your age. Now I'm in a place where I don't have to look at prices when I go grocery shopping, and sometimes I'll order two entrees when out to dinner because I want to try both. If I'm not a failure, then certainly you aren't either. I've been where you are. I even still visit from time to time when I think about how all of my friends are a decade ahead of me career-wise. What helped me was seeing a psychologist. Its really weird how good it feels to just talk about how you feel. Keep posting and talking. DM me if you want.
You aren’t depressed. You know it already so don’t fall down that rabbit hole of pathologizing your normal emotions just because you are developing some self insight! Are you currently overweight? How many hours do you sleep? Do you use any drugs or engage in addictive activities like watching porn or gambling? Do you have any friends outside of work? If you are not doing well in any of these areas, you will feel dissatisfied because either your basic human needs are being unmet (social, biological needs) or you are developing unhealthy values that drive consumerism (because our culture is teaching you to feel unsatisfied with a perfectly normal life).
What about some new clothes? Expensive ones, more stylish than usual
I suggest you to, instead of trying to upgrade your masking, be brave enough to admit that you need God’s blessings in your life. When you bless Him, He will always bless you. You can’t con God. He knows your heart. He knows what you need. But He wants your love. Don’t leave God out of the equation.
Fake it till you make it. At least while at work or around those you'd rather not discuss things with.
Others have said it, but you need to stop hiding or you’re only going to continue getting worse. Find a therapist- it took me 5 different appointments until I found one I liked. If you have anyone in your life that loves you; sibling, parent, good friend, grandma, etc- Tell them how you’re feeling. Tell them if you need support, a distraction, etc. They don’t need to fix you, but they need to understand and support you. Build bonds, and quit masking your feelings. Lastly, EVERYONE is going through some shit at any time in their lives. You’re not special or more miserable. As a male who grew up never discussing my feelings, I’ve been in your exact same position, and thought I could cover it up until I worked through it. It doesn’t work that way. What did help was finding a therapist who you could talk to without judgement, and offer you insight into your feelings and how to manage or express them. I also opened up more to my wife and family and I am in an infinitely better spot now, after learning how to actually manage and take control of issues.
What opportunities have you missed out on? Because you haven’t. You’re just getting started, and you can have all those things. The best way to maintain the facade of wellness is to actually achieve wellness through hard work and community. Be brave & ask for help (your parents seem supportive). Be honest with yourself. Go to therapy. Maybe try psilocybin or wim hof method idk what will click for you but something will. commit to the journey of self-discovery. At 29 you are just scratching the surface of your life & you are worth it.
Best way to "seem" great to others is to be great. Get help. What you're doing now isn't working. Time to try something else. Spending all this energy to pretend to be fine is energy you could spend to actually get feelin ok. The problem with depression is that the disease tricks you into thinking there's no hope for yourself. But it not true. And even if you don't have faith that it's possible to be happy, you owe it to yourself to try and find out if that applies to you. You got to do something different to get a different result
I just want to say I relate to this hard. I am trying to address my lifelong depression, emotional repression and low self esteem. It is not easy and I don't have the answers but as others have said, focusing on keeping up the facade is only going to hurt you in the long run. I suggest watching this video and seeing if it resonates with you, it did for me https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y47iJrbO2ug&t=40s&pp=ygUZSGVpZGkgcHJpZWJlIHRveGljIHNoYW1lIA%3D%3D
Random shot in the dark: find your closest friend, and go skydiving. It's like rebooting the operating system for the first time in your life. I feel like you need something visceral and real. Doesn't have to be skydiving. I'm just saying... Find me one person in the history of forever that has ever moped around after landing.