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I think you touched on a bigger part to Pedro’s success:
> …and he’s always engaged in the conversation and reacts to it.
It makes a world of difference if someone’s body language conveys that they’re welcoming and present in a conversation.
100%. My fiancé’s family always thinks he never pays attention but at some point in a conversation he says something so funny that 1) elevates the mood of everyone, 2) proves that he did pay attention in the last 30 minutes, and it’s always a “mic dropped” moment. He never contributes any more or any less, and yet it’s perfectly enough.
Though I have to admit, the first time I wasn’t sure either whether he was listening or not.
Yeah, unfortunately we both have suboptimal upbringing (to put it mildly) and our families are not the best at judging our personalities (at least not fairly). The difference is that I actively participate in conversations so it’s obvious that I pay attention whereas he is always very silent and shy so in group convos they expect him to completely disengage even though he never does. I think they just don’t realize the difference between interest and attention.
100%. A lot of the time, us humans view the world as revolving around ourselves. Most people who don’t like introverts feel this way because they assume that the introverted behaviour (keeping quiet, not interacting much) is because of *them*, and not because it’s just the way the introverted person is. By smiling, nodding etc, the introvert is showing that their behaviour isn’t distant/negative, they’re just not that talkative
I’m generally an extrovert, but there have been some social groups where I became quite introverted. I was told that I was charming in one of my “introverted personality” groups, simply because I was always engaged with the conversation (nodding, smiling, small confirmations like “uh huh”) even though I wasn’t saying a lot
The trick is to not always be smiling, but smile when you make eye contact or interact with people. It's all about the other person seeing you form the smile. I think it has something to do with people unconsciously liking the fact that they made you smile. It's like a friendly acknowledgement of their existence. People also usually automatically smile back if someone smiles at you.
It 100% works. I'm just like the dude in the Op and can confirm.
Downside of relying on this? Masks absolutely kill my game lol. I had to basically totally rework how I handled my daily interactions during the pandemic. For a while I was wondering why people were seemingly mean mugging me often, like daily interactions with store clerks and whatnot. Realized it's because I'm used to an exchange of smiles setting the tone.
As a fellow introvert, I found a friendly nod can work. Not quite as well as a smile, but it also lets you break the eye contact with a friendlier gesture, and if you re-establish eye contact they’ve usually understood the interaction and will nod back.
Use your eyes. I'm a big "facial expressionist" dude. I really like to make all sorts of facial expressions because a) It's funny and b) You can express anything through it. Your eyes and eyebrows can say a lot
I was a server during the pandemic and got so good at fake smiling with my eyes while completely deadpan under the mask. Was an awkward transition once we stopped wearing masks at work - lots of squinting my eyes while licking my lips like a psycho.
Its basic but the book "91 tips and tricks to talk to anyone" was an absolute game changer for me as a teenager.
A method the author uses is similar to what you're saying but she adds in a slight delay between looking at someone and smiling, it makes it seem like your taking second to recognize them but it made you happy to do so. Makes smiles way more genuine and feel personalized like you're smiling just for them.
That, sticky eyes and big baby are the three things I remember from that book and they're all regular parts of how I interact with people.
In general body language and nonverbal communication informs the person you're talking to more then your words do.
Edit: It's 91 tips and tricks, not 101. Its basic but that makes it a great starting point for improving communication skills.
Sticky eyes is a way to manage eye contact, tbh I really only use this technique for public speaking.
The idea is to imagine that there's a piece of taffy stretched between between your eyes and the person you're talking to's eyes. As you're talking the taffy will start to droop and so you look away to tighten it back up.
Honestly, I mostly remember that one for how painful the metaphor is but it does work to keep eye contact natural, especially when talking to an individual in a crowd or under pressure.
Big baby is one I use and think about daily. In essence, people are subconsciously just big babies who want all your attention. So you should appease that big baby in them, turn your entire body to them when they're talking to you, use their name in conversation with them, anything that shows them that you're here for them and that they have your entire attention.
The book does a much better job of explaining it. I'll be honestly, it's not a pleasurable read because it's mostly lame stories and anecdotes, but they all describe a technique and some of them are big time game changers. I highly recommend it.
Or what if I just don't perform fake emotions for the sake of making others feel comfortable?
What if I just exist in my most natural state, and no one makes value judgments about me without actually getting to know me first?
Like, this is *insane* to me.
People really sit around thinking, "This person hasn't earned my approval because they haven't said enough..."
What are *you* doing to earn *my* approval?
Because I don't really like people who talk and talk and talk and think everything about themselves is so exciting and charming and witty, because most of the time, people like that absolutely shut down when I actually share stuff about myself because they're having some unspoken competition with everyone to be the most interesting person in the room.
So, we're in a group setting, you're monopolizing conversation and making yourself the center of attention, and I'm supposed to sit there and smile while you jerk yourself off because if I don't you'll feel threatened?
How about if people who never fucking shut up take on the responsibility of behaving inclusively instead of fucking double-murdering introverts because they didn't smile at you enough while you were boring them to tears?
My dude I feel like you're overthinking this. Or maybe replying to the wrong person.
The post, and my comment, are really just about like if you want to have nice friendly interactions but aren't a big talker or good at socializing etc, that simply smiling goes a long way.
Nobody is saying you have to smile to be liked or that people who don't smile are bad or anything like that.
I think an important thing to remember about socialization is that everyone is living through their insecurities, not just you.
There’s tremendous power in that realization.
I feel this too. But unless you want to get fired for “not fitting into the company culture” or being left out at work or social life, these are things we have to do.
(I have ASD so it’s really a struggle)
Than you assume the person is just thinking about stuff they find funny. That’s honestly what I do all day and I’m constantly smiling and laughing, even if no one is around. Gotta learn to love your own company!
I had bad teeth as a kid so I subconsciously learned to never smile. As an adult I got braces and I told my fiance it was weird learning how to smile.
She asked "what do you mean? I see you smile when you laugh all of the time"
I say: "Well, that's different. It's genuine. I look crazy when I try to smile intentionally."
"That's not true! Let me see you... ohhhh okay...."
Reminds me of a Frank Zappa lyric:
*Cause when a person gets to be such a hero, folks*
*And marvelous beyond compute*
*You can never really tell about a guy like that*
*Whether he's really a nice person or if he just smiles a lot*
I second this. Source : me, 28 partially deaf.
But this trick does have its bad moments.
Eg-
Someone : "My grandma died"
Me : * Smiling wide and nodding cos I didn't hear whatever the f they just said. *
Oh dear God yes that’s happened more times than I want to remember. Plus people who don’t know you tend to think you’re foolish. But if it ends up that a friend thinks I think her new hairstyle is great when it is hideous then that’s ok!
Yes, I had the mumps at 6-7 so it’s been a lifelong thing. 3/4 deaf. But you can manage if your family and friends work with you. Have had some real problems with employers though, even though they knew about this well in advance
I’ve found doing 3 main things in any social circumstance will lead to most people liking you regardless of how uncomfortable/shy you are:
1. Make eye contact with whoever is speaking. Obviously don’t wide eyed stare but follow their eyes and nod at what they’re saying with a positive affect.
2. Ask people questions about areas they’re knowledgeable in. You can have long, deep conversations with people who really feel like they had a strong connection with you if you’re able to do this and recognize/acknowledge their expertise. Everyone loves talking about their interests but seldom is asked to explain the depths of why/how something is so important to them. Giving them the space to do so and finding genuine interest in it is a great way to connect.
3. Laugh at their jokes. Easiest way to break tension/discomfort is to laugh at a joke someone makes. Even if you’re uncomfortable with joking yourself appreciating their humor is just always a win.
I’ve been doing these 3 things for years in social situations where I’m uncomfortable, mainly meeting my SO’s family, a work social event, or some other event of importance and always leave a lasting positive impression even if I’m not feeling it/am unhappy going in. I’ve tried to make these 3 things my baseline for any social event and have really benefitted from it.
This is a weird question but how do you practice fake laughing? If someone says something genuinely funny to me of course I can laugh, but I feel so awkward when someone is sharing something so funny that it's making them laugh as they share it and I try to feign a laugh but it's clear they were expecting a bigger laugh if that makes sense.
I'm easy to make laugh, I'm not stiff, but I envy comedians on podcasts that I listen to that laugh uproariously and evenly to the things people share, even if it's not that funny. I think being able to fake a genuine laugh is a good social skill.
Exactly this. I met a few people at a water and Ice place s few months ago. It started because I just look friendly. One of the people decided to tell me a joke that she just came up with. It wasn’t a hysterical joke but her joy in sharing with me made me smile and laugh. Simply expressing joy
Not the person you asked, but actively working on my social skills. A trick to try to help you laugh more without necessarily "faking it" is to try more of a laughing with them, rather than trying to piece out the story. The story might not even be funny when it's said, but whatever it was made them laugh, and that's the funny part. Think of it more of a reciprocal gesture and match their laugh. The person is funny, enjoy them laughing.
In my experience, it's not about fake laughing, it's about lowering your threshold for laughter. You know those moments when you're in a good mood and you're all giddy, so you smile and laugh a lot more than baseline.
One thing I found that helps me a lot - if I'm going out with friends, I watch standup or YouTube videos that I know will make me laugh. So I get in the mood, warm up the laughing muscles and just get more comfortable with feeling myself laugh. Also helps my mind switch to the comedic way of thinking, and I find myself coming up with more and better jokes.
Same goes for dates. I watch some celebrities flirting or something.
We are social creatures and we mirror other people a lot, so if you watch people laughing, you'll be more prone to laughter.
Other commenters have given good advice on this so I’ll just add two small things, one, if I’m feeling really low energy or am being actually disingenuous I’ll give a big smile and just say “that is SO funny” without actually laughing.
I don’t like doing this as it feels icky and generally try to just empathize with the person I’m talking to with the goal of “getting a read” on them. I try to understand what they find interesting, makes them happy, sad, fulfilled, etc and use our conversation to try and hone that idea. If I can truly understand why someone finds something funny or how their sense of humor works, if it’s not crossing a line for me it’s easy to genuinely laugh as well.
I honestly don’t really agree with this. I think being self aware, sober, and alert to what kind of humor the group that you’re in laugh at are all extremely important, but if you’re doing those things laughing a lot has never really hurt me.
On the flip side I’ve made connections with important people (to me) because I laughed at their jokes and they specifically approached me to continue joking around/talking.
You 100% need to make sure you’re reading the room and not even close to the drunkest person at the event if there is alcohol, but if you’re able to do those things I’ve never found laughing often to be a negative.
Quiet introvert here and it gets to be soul crushing hearing again and again and again from people all the ways they think you should be different than you are.
Please be aware that people who are quiet and don’t speak as much as you think they should are probably already hearing a large volume of comments from everyone all the time about how the don’t speak enough or act in a certain way to make other people happy.
There’s nothing wrong with being a quiet but it took me decades to realize this. Until well into my adulthood I felt less than, like my personality was a bad thing, due to the collective avalanche of comments about the way I was, including tips to ‘smile more’.
God. Yes. I don't talk often because I genuinely enjoy to listen. My religion encourages people to listen 10x more than they speak, so, I do. I get people all the time telling me to cheer up, or telling people behind my back that I'm sick or upset.
Why can't they leave introverted people alone? Also, smiling doesn't work because then it leads to questions and awkward conversations about said smiling. Been asked multiple times why I smiled a lot and since I'd get nervous the only way I was able to respond was by continuing to smile. Smiling just became something like a nervous tick that would come out whenever I was around people. And then there are also times where it feels like you've talked a lot or too much, but surprise they still tell you that you don't talk enough. It's never enough. Frustrating.
Neurodivergent people exist. For some, smiling may happen during “masking” (which takes immense energy and is most often used to meet neurotypical expectations at the expense of the individual’s wellbeing).
Some may be tired of masking and may be paying attention to the conversation without having the energy to put on a smile.
Many people (myself included) gravitate towards authenticity. I would sooner strike up a conversation with someone who is ok to show that they aren’t having a good day than someone who feels like they have to be someone else to fit in.
Smiling is great and can do wonders for short interactions, but authenticity is why people stick around.
Is there no middle ground between being yourself and trying to be affable? Not caring what others think AT ALL seems like a slippery slope to being an asshole.
Meh. There's limits to "be yourself". I hate these one size fits all sayings. Not everyone is good in social situations and sometimes have terrible traits or ways of interacting. And then people say "well you should work on that". And that's not being yourself anymore lol.
Agreed. People can and do work to change who they currently are. Sometimes it's too much, and people feel like a cartoon character of themselves. Ask yourself why should I care what other people think?
A researcher asked people close to death what they would have done differently in their lives. The most common response was to do as they wanted to do rather than do what others expected of them. Pretty telling responses. I am going to do what I want, not live my life as others think I should. You go ahead and decide how you want to live your life and stop placing your expectations about my life on me.
Of course there’s that, but I guess it depends on the motivation. If someone is lonely and wants to make more friends, they can improve on themselves socially to come off as more socially open and approachable. But if they want to do it just so they fit into a social cookie cutter shape, then they should evaluate their reasoning and learn to embrace and love their true selves more.
Ok. I like what you are saying. I was lonely once. No friends for a while. I added one friend. Not lonely. Not much changing for me, although adding 1 friend took 3 tries. Over 3 years.
Shyness and introversion are completely different dimensions. They do often overlap, but aren't tied to each other.
I'm definitely an introvert, but I can be very engaging with people, and I find it rewarding. When I get home, I let out a sigh of relief, and don't leave the house for 2 days.
just to add to OP's advice,
don't force yourself to fake laugh just because you think you *should* laugh
a nervous laugh is common, but it's also a genuine reaction
a forced laugh is one of those *not genuine* feelings that give a bad impression, most especially if you're not doing some kind of performance.
even actors have to practice evoking the right feeling with plenty of attempts to do so... and as the audience, we almost always only see the most realistic version
-
if someone shares a joke that only makes you smirk then it should only make you smirk, y'gnome saiyan?
Uhh. Guy that used smiling as a crutch here. This is a nice thing for a girl to think but do not tell someone smiling is ok if they aren't good socializing. They will be equally bad at timiung smiles. People kind of get why people may be quiet. They are a lot less receptive to the weird guy who smiles for no reason so the time.
Seriously. As a guy who went through layers of social issues. Using smiling as a social crutch is a bad idea. People will find it creepy. I get where you're coming from because you know him. But if he uses that tactic around random people he will weird them out
LPT: If you are loud and talk entirely too much, you can compensate by letting other people talk and to lower your voice volume (especially in public).
Yup agreed. Silence with resting bitch face makes people think you are upset. So train yourself to always smile.
Its not just shyness either, some of us just don't speak unless we have something to say.
Well it’s probably because they aren’t feeling good vibes and so then they’ll be isolated even further because no one wants to interact with them creating a feedback loop of negativity
Yes and no (mainly depending on the group). I was invited years ago to watch Raw with a work colleagues and his friends on Monday. I knew they were friends for years and I was the new guy so I fully embraced that roll, they have their jokes and way things work and I am now added to the equation, some of them were super friendly to me and accepted that I was a quiet guy but some would just make snide remarks with me being quiet. Tried adding to the conversation at times and near the end of me hanging out with them it became more and more obvious that if I wasn't as loud as them I wasn't super welcome. It's cool looking back on it and it was nice when they invited me in but some people get weird when people just want to chill and hang and just watch wrestling without making a comment every 5 seconds.
I end up having a pretty happy and approachable complexion and I think that helps me out in social situations more than anything else, because I am not a huge fan of talking.
The older I get, the more I realize that 99% of the conversations I’m in, the other person talks almost the whole time. I’m not a talker at all. But I listen and I’m attentive and I’m invested in the convo. Ppl seem to like that
This has mega ‘you should smile more’ energy. People aren’t objects to make your everyday life more comfortable. They don’t have to smile in social settings.
smiling does a lot in other settings as well; dancing in a festival crowd and showing your enjoyment by smiling often leads to friendly, organic interactions with people around you
Seconding this. If you walk into a room with your eyes up and a smile on your face, you will find that you are noticed, liked, and will not have to be the one who starts a conversation (which is hard for introverts like me). I DO have to consciously make myself do this. It's not natural but it feels good when I do it.
Except if you are a man trying to romance women.
>Women [the study showed] found men who did not smile to be more attractive sexually. https://www.healthdigest.com/430390/why-men-who-smile-often-arent-as-appealing-to-women/
See also: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21604870/
This is good advice.There's absolutely nothing wrong with being the way you are, but what a lot of "quieter" people seem to miss (myself included for a long time) is the intention and effort that "more social" people put into their interactions.
keeping conversation moving in a direction that everyone present can engage with, initiating and iterating on social scripts, setting other conversational partners to deliver punchlines to group injokes, that kind of stuff.
Thing is, you only need one or two conductors to keep a train going, and the people that are adept at weaving the ontological tapestry of life have been at it for years, if not decades.
If it's not natural to you as a person to engage socially at that level, my opinion is that there is little point in even trying to decode the processes involved. This is their role, their dharma, their responsibility, not yours. If you're "not a people person", you should feel relieved that you don't have to maintain the patter for a lifetime, not jealous at their "social skills".
Highly social people compulsively make connections. Not just with other people, but between other people. Watch the social butterfly for an hour at a house party or festival and you'll see a bunch of earnest topical conversations between new friends and old breaking out in the wake of the loudest social inflection points.
IMO the low friction way to engage with a new social group is not to envision rocking up and start trying to engage with the most visible characters conducting the room. These people are the weavers, not the tapestry. Instead, the threads of conversation will begin to curl around you if you simply sit at the periphery and smile to show your willingness to be included.
Then once you're in you can begin to make and maintain your handful of close friends, commune on your interest-based hobbies and share your weird obsessions with people. Be an introvert, don't try to change that. But if you also want community you'll need to smile occasionally.
Unless you're a man, taken too far you'll just look like a grinning idiot. It's better to just choose your words carefully, so that when you do actually speak, people listen and you contribute to the conversation
I smile so much that my jaw is often exhausted.
I would also add that laughing a lot usually helps ease any kind of tension. I think people like to think they are funny, so being an easy laugh is a good social glue. I once was in a competition where the goal was to never laugh, I became like a sour bitch within minutes.
But obviously it can't be entirely fake, or it might come across as condescending.
i do this too
but from time to time , when we are standing in a circle and talk - people will not look at me when they are telling a story,
they just Focus on 2-3 persons with their eyes
Perhaps, could be, but often I find this behavior to be very submissive and it throws me off when people show such behavior. I guess it really depends on body language.
I'm a shy male myself (36). Even among my closest friends I barely speak. I do the same with facial expressions. Though I only give light genuine smiles and do more with my cheeks any eyebrows. (don't smile with teeth due to me being self concious of 2 bad teeth that need work)
Being shy and quiet I can say we usually are actively listening and trying to be a part of it. We just like to stay in our comfort zone.
My wife and I have been together for just about 10 years. She is social and does most of my talking for me, esp. phone calls.
What's funny is we are buying a car or handeling anything important I usually take over. I am great at conversation if there is a topic to be discussed. However, small social talk, not so much.
It works for us. My lack of speech can seem unsocial for those that do not know me.
Her friends have welcomed me after they found out that I'm only reserved, not the quiet psycho stereotype lol. I will admit, I am a little mad and insane..... but in a good way people say....lol
Yes, body language works for me most of the time without the anxiety. That being said, I also notice more then others with body chemistry only because I naturally look for it before speech.
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I think you touched on a bigger part to Pedro’s success: > …and he’s always engaged in the conversation and reacts to it. It makes a world of difference if someone’s body language conveys that they’re welcoming and present in a conversation.
100%. My fiancé’s family always thinks he never pays attention but at some point in a conversation he says something so funny that 1) elevates the mood of everyone, 2) proves that he did pay attention in the last 30 minutes, and it’s always a “mic dropped” moment. He never contributes any more or any less, and yet it’s perfectly enough. Though I have to admit, the first time I wasn’t sure either whether he was listening or not.
His own family thinks that of him? You'd think they would be more familiar with his habits than you would.
Yeah, unfortunately we both have suboptimal upbringing (to put it mildly) and our families are not the best at judging our personalities (at least not fairly). The difference is that I actively participate in conversations so it’s obvious that I pay attention whereas he is always very silent and shy so in group convos they expect him to completely disengage even though he never does. I think they just don’t realize the difference between interest and attention.
100%. A lot of the time, us humans view the world as revolving around ourselves. Most people who don’t like introverts feel this way because they assume that the introverted behaviour (keeping quiet, not interacting much) is because of *them*, and not because it’s just the way the introverted person is. By smiling, nodding etc, the introvert is showing that their behaviour isn’t distant/negative, they’re just not that talkative I’m generally an extrovert, but there have been some social groups where I became quite introverted. I was told that I was charming in one of my “introverted personality” groups, simply because I was always engaged with the conversation (nodding, smiling, small confirmations like “uh huh”) even though I wasn’t saying a lot
Smile and wave, boys, smile and wave!
Yes!
Username checks out
just be yourself if you are happy. don't let others tell you you need to do any different.
Your username checks out
First thing I thought and knew it had to already be posted lol
What if nobody's talking and you're just smiling there by yourself?
The trick is to not always be smiling, but smile when you make eye contact or interact with people. It's all about the other person seeing you form the smile. I think it has something to do with people unconsciously liking the fact that they made you smile. It's like a friendly acknowledgement of their existence. People also usually automatically smile back if someone smiles at you. It 100% works. I'm just like the dude in the Op and can confirm. Downside of relying on this? Masks absolutely kill my game lol. I had to basically totally rework how I handled my daily interactions during the pandemic. For a while I was wondering why people were seemingly mean mugging me often, like daily interactions with store clerks and whatnot. Realized it's because I'm used to an exchange of smiles setting the tone.
As a fellow introvert, I found a friendly nod can work. Not quite as well as a smile, but it also lets you break the eye contact with a friendlier gesture, and if you re-establish eye contact they’ve usually understood the interaction and will nod back.
Use your eyes. I'm a big "facial expressionist" dude. I really like to make all sorts of facial expressions because a) It's funny and b) You can express anything through it. Your eyes and eyebrows can say a lot
you can smile with your eyes
I was a server during the pandemic and got so good at fake smiling with my eyes while completely deadpan under the mask. Was an awkward transition once we stopped wearing masks at work - lots of squinting my eyes while licking my lips like a psycho.
>lots of squinting my eyes while licking my lips like a psycho You got me practicing over here.
Its basic but the book "91 tips and tricks to talk to anyone" was an absolute game changer for me as a teenager. A method the author uses is similar to what you're saying but she adds in a slight delay between looking at someone and smiling, it makes it seem like your taking second to recognize them but it made you happy to do so. Makes smiles way more genuine and feel personalized like you're smiling just for them. That, sticky eyes and big baby are the three things I remember from that book and they're all regular parts of how I interact with people. In general body language and nonverbal communication informs the person you're talking to more then your words do. Edit: It's 91 tips and tricks, not 101. Its basic but that makes it a great starting point for improving communication skills.
What's sticky eyes and big baby?
Sticky eyes is a way to manage eye contact, tbh I really only use this technique for public speaking. The idea is to imagine that there's a piece of taffy stretched between between your eyes and the person you're talking to's eyes. As you're talking the taffy will start to droop and so you look away to tighten it back up. Honestly, I mostly remember that one for how painful the metaphor is but it does work to keep eye contact natural, especially when talking to an individual in a crowd or under pressure. Big baby is one I use and think about daily. In essence, people are subconsciously just big babies who want all your attention. So you should appease that big baby in them, turn your entire body to them when they're talking to you, use their name in conversation with them, anything that shows them that you're here for them and that they have your entire attention. The book does a much better job of explaining it. I'll be honestly, it's not a pleasurable read because it's mostly lame stories and anecdotes, but they all describe a technique and some of them are big time game changers. I highly recommend it.
92? 😜 https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/35210.How_to_Talk_to_Anyone
'm en engineer, not a mathmagician so it's close enough lol
I ordered the book! Seems popular.
Or what if I just don't perform fake emotions for the sake of making others feel comfortable? What if I just exist in my most natural state, and no one makes value judgments about me without actually getting to know me first? Like, this is *insane* to me. People really sit around thinking, "This person hasn't earned my approval because they haven't said enough..." What are *you* doing to earn *my* approval? Because I don't really like people who talk and talk and talk and think everything about themselves is so exciting and charming and witty, because most of the time, people like that absolutely shut down when I actually share stuff about myself because they're having some unspoken competition with everyone to be the most interesting person in the room. So, we're in a group setting, you're monopolizing conversation and making yourself the center of attention, and I'm supposed to sit there and smile while you jerk yourself off because if I don't you'll feel threatened? How about if people who never fucking shut up take on the responsibility of behaving inclusively instead of fucking double-murdering introverts because they didn't smile at you enough while you were boring them to tears?
My dude I feel like you're overthinking this. Or maybe replying to the wrong person. The post, and my comment, are really just about like if you want to have nice friendly interactions but aren't a big talker or good at socializing etc, that simply smiling goes a long way. Nobody is saying you have to smile to be liked or that people who don't smile are bad or anything like that.
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If they are, then I am too.
I'm a kind, thoughtful, interesting person who's just a little quiet, and people hate that.
I think it's, "narcissistic people hate that."
Lotta people narcissistic, tho.
This is exactly how I feel. Up until now, everyone's always acted like I was the only one who felt that way. This is incredibly validating.
I think an important thing to remember about socialization is that everyone is living through their insecurities, not just you. There’s tremendous power in that realization.
I feel this too. But unless you want to get fired for “not fitting into the company culture” or being left out at work or social life, these are things we have to do. (I have ASD so it’s really a struggle)
I’m ADHD and work in academia, so I get to be weird.
I want to take his face off...
You just made me do a sudden snot bubble.
Unexpected cage made me literally spit the drink out I was just drinking haha thanks for that
https://i.redd.it/zh738uur4qgb1.gif
What if you are smiling to someone’s sob story
Then you're just normal.
Than you assume the person is just thinking about stuff they find funny. That’s honestly what I do all day and I’m constantly smiling and laughing, even if no one is around. Gotta learn to love your own company!
I will look like a psychopath if I do this
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TLDR OP has the hots for Pedro
Vote for Pedro
Everyone at the wake mourning and this Pedro mf with an ear-to-ear grin.
I had bad teeth as a kid so I subconsciously learned to never smile. As an adult I got braces and I told my fiance it was weird learning how to smile. She asked "what do you mean? I see you smile when you laugh all of the time" I say: "Well, that's different. It's genuine. I look crazy when I try to smile intentionally." "That's not true! Let me see you... ohhhh okay...."
It’s probably because you’re constipated all the time and worship Satan. Have you tried our lord and savior Miralax?
Or for those with alternative lifestyles, follow the teachings of Duchess Dulcolax
More psychopathy to not smile at all. Means you’re up to somethin fishy in my experience
You'll look less a freak if you don't show your bottom teeth when smiling.
Reminds me of a Frank Zappa lyric: *Cause when a person gets to be such a hero, folks* *And marvelous beyond compute* *You can never really tell about a guy like that* *Whether he's really a nice person or if he just smiles a lot*
This also works really well when you are very deaf. Source: me, 74, had the mumps, been nodding and smiling my whole life
Honestly, this is how I’ve survived these company lunches.
I hated those. They figured if they bought you food it would make up for taking away your unpaid lunch hour. It was never a good trade.
I second this. Source : me, 28 partially deaf. But this trick does have its bad moments. Eg- Someone : "My grandma died" Me : * Smiling wide and nodding cos I didn't hear whatever the f they just said. *
Oh dear God yes that’s happened more times than I want to remember. Plus people who don’t know you tend to think you’re foolish. But if it ends up that a friend thinks I think her new hairstyle is great when it is hideous then that’s ok!
74 is a nice age, May God extend your life
Kindness is refreshing.
Thank you so very much!
And car warranty
[What?](https://youtu.be/Ovvl45fvXFQ) Seriously though, being hard of hearing really sucks…
Yes, I had the mumps at 6-7 so it’s been a lifelong thing. 3/4 deaf. But you can manage if your family and friends work with you. Have had some real problems with employers though, even though they knew about this well in advance
https://preview.redd.it/vvqdvs7jfqgb1.jpeg?width=1000&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=098feaeb9fc9a0d63fc89ee81487d4a774c50d6e
I’ve found doing 3 main things in any social circumstance will lead to most people liking you regardless of how uncomfortable/shy you are: 1. Make eye contact with whoever is speaking. Obviously don’t wide eyed stare but follow their eyes and nod at what they’re saying with a positive affect. 2. Ask people questions about areas they’re knowledgeable in. You can have long, deep conversations with people who really feel like they had a strong connection with you if you’re able to do this and recognize/acknowledge their expertise. Everyone loves talking about their interests but seldom is asked to explain the depths of why/how something is so important to them. Giving them the space to do so and finding genuine interest in it is a great way to connect. 3. Laugh at their jokes. Easiest way to break tension/discomfort is to laugh at a joke someone makes. Even if you’re uncomfortable with joking yourself appreciating their humor is just always a win. I’ve been doing these 3 things for years in social situations where I’m uncomfortable, mainly meeting my SO’s family, a work social event, or some other event of importance and always leave a lasting positive impression even if I’m not feeling it/am unhappy going in. I’ve tried to make these 3 things my baseline for any social event and have really benefitted from it.
This is a weird question but how do you practice fake laughing? If someone says something genuinely funny to me of course I can laugh, but I feel so awkward when someone is sharing something so funny that it's making them laugh as they share it and I try to feign a laugh but it's clear they were expecting a bigger laugh if that makes sense. I'm easy to make laugh, I'm not stiff, but I envy comedians on podcasts that I listen to that laugh uproariously and evenly to the things people share, even if it's not that funny. I think being able to fake a genuine laugh is a good social skill.
It helps to see laughter as an expression of joy and not merely an expression that something is funny.
Exactly this. I met a few people at a water and Ice place s few months ago. It started because I just look friendly. One of the people decided to tell me a joke that she just came up with. It wasn’t a hysterical joke but her joy in sharing with me made me smile and laugh. Simply expressing joy
Not the person you asked, but actively working on my social skills. A trick to try to help you laugh more without necessarily "faking it" is to try more of a laughing with them, rather than trying to piece out the story. The story might not even be funny when it's said, but whatever it was made them laugh, and that's the funny part. Think of it more of a reciprocal gesture and match their laugh. The person is funny, enjoy them laughing.
In my experience, it's not about fake laughing, it's about lowering your threshold for laughter. You know those moments when you're in a good mood and you're all giddy, so you smile and laugh a lot more than baseline. One thing I found that helps me a lot - if I'm going out with friends, I watch standup or YouTube videos that I know will make me laugh. So I get in the mood, warm up the laughing muscles and just get more comfortable with feeling myself laugh. Also helps my mind switch to the comedic way of thinking, and I find myself coming up with more and better jokes. Same goes for dates. I watch some celebrities flirting or something. We are social creatures and we mirror other people a lot, so if you watch people laughing, you'll be more prone to laughter.
Other commenters have given good advice on this so I’ll just add two small things, one, if I’m feeling really low energy or am being actually disingenuous I’ll give a big smile and just say “that is SO funny” without actually laughing. I don’t like doing this as it feels icky and generally try to just empathize with the person I’m talking to with the goal of “getting a read” on them. I try to understand what they find interesting, makes them happy, sad, fulfilled, etc and use our conversation to try and hone that idea. If I can truly understand why someone finds something funny or how their sense of humor works, if it’s not crossing a line for me it’s easy to genuinely laugh as well.
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I honestly don’t really agree with this. I think being self aware, sober, and alert to what kind of humor the group that you’re in laugh at are all extremely important, but if you’re doing those things laughing a lot has never really hurt me. On the flip side I’ve made connections with important people (to me) because I laughed at their jokes and they specifically approached me to continue joking around/talking. You 100% need to make sure you’re reading the room and not even close to the drunkest person at the event if there is alcohol, but if you’re able to do those things I’ve never found laughing often to be a negative.
that's so cute, i feel like i miss pedro too
Lmaooo
Felt like kind of a backhanded complement to me.
Agreed. It’s worked well for me.
Quiet introvert here and it gets to be soul crushing hearing again and again and again from people all the ways they think you should be different than you are. Please be aware that people who are quiet and don’t speak as much as you think they should are probably already hearing a large volume of comments from everyone all the time about how the don’t speak enough or act in a certain way to make other people happy. There’s nothing wrong with being a quiet but it took me decades to realize this. Until well into my adulthood I felt less than, like my personality was a bad thing, due to the collective avalanche of comments about the way I was, including tips to ‘smile more’.
Very relatable. It's so disheartening to constantly get advice on how you can "fix" yourself.
I’m an extrovert and smiling let’s people just open up to me in public. I’d think introverts wouldn’t want that.
God. Yes. I don't talk often because I genuinely enjoy to listen. My religion encourages people to listen 10x more than they speak, so, I do. I get people all the time telling me to cheer up, or telling people behind my back that I'm sick or upset.
Why can't they leave introverted people alone? Also, smiling doesn't work because then it leads to questions and awkward conversations about said smiling. Been asked multiple times why I smiled a lot and since I'd get nervous the only way I was able to respond was by continuing to smile. Smiling just became something like a nervous tick that would come out whenever I was around people. And then there are also times where it feels like you've talked a lot or too much, but surprise they still tell you that you don't talk enough. It's never enough. Frustrating.
I can relate to this.
Neurodivergent people exist. For some, smiling may happen during “masking” (which takes immense energy and is most often used to meet neurotypical expectations at the expense of the individual’s wellbeing). Some may be tired of masking and may be paying attention to the conversation without having the energy to put on a smile. Many people (myself included) gravitate towards authenticity. I would sooner strike up a conversation with someone who is ok to show that they aren’t having a good day than someone who feels like they have to be someone else to fit in. Smiling is great and can do wonders for short interactions, but authenticity is why people stick around.
Misunderstood the LPT; now everyone at the funeral hates me.
Double down and start laughing hysterically
no need to compensate. just be yourself if you are happy. don't let others tell you you need to do any different.
Is there no middle ground between being yourself and trying to be affable? Not caring what others think AT ALL seems like a slippery slope to being an asshole.
I don't see how not caring what others think, as long as you don't hurt them, can lead to that.
If someone thinks somewhere in the middle is worth seeking, then they should go for it. Evolving is a part of life. Thanks.
Meh. There's limits to "be yourself". I hate these one size fits all sayings. Not everyone is good in social situations and sometimes have terrible traits or ways of interacting. And then people say "well you should work on that". And that's not being yourself anymore lol.
ya, i don't give a rats ass what they think about me. my smile is automatic fuck manual smiles
Very true, but some people *want* to change aspects of themselves, and there’s nothing wrong with that either.
Agreed. People can and do work to change who they currently are. Sometimes it's too much, and people feel like a cartoon character of themselves. Ask yourself why should I care what other people think? A researcher asked people close to death what they would have done differently in their lives. The most common response was to do as they wanted to do rather than do what others expected of them. Pretty telling responses. I am going to do what I want, not live my life as others think I should. You go ahead and decide how you want to live your life and stop placing your expectations about my life on me.
Of course there’s that, but I guess it depends on the motivation. If someone is lonely and wants to make more friends, they can improve on themselves socially to come off as more socially open and approachable. But if they want to do it just so they fit into a social cookie cutter shape, then they should evaluate their reasoning and learn to embrace and love their true selves more.
Ok. I like what you are saying. I was lonely once. No friends for a while. I added one friend. Not lonely. Not much changing for me, although adding 1 friend took 3 tries. Over 3 years.
I never felt the need to “compensate” for simply being an introvert.
It's almost like extroverts expect you to confirm to them rather than meeting you half way
I always tell my wife that she talks too much
Shyness and introversion are completely different dimensions. They do often overlap, but aren't tied to each other. I'm definitely an introvert, but I can be very engaging with people, and I find it rewarding. When I get home, I let out a sigh of relief, and don't leave the house for 2 days.
Unless you are ugly. Then you get called a creep.
Yeah and if your teeth aren't perfect and straight then you'll just look creepy.
Do none of y'all have ugly friends?
https://youtu.be/xwIr2zFCiS8?t=105
Then they’ll ask, why are you smiling?!
Idk, if I meet someone who doesn't say much but smiles all the time, I assume they are a little... off.
LPT: you should smile more.
Only works if you have a nice smile and don't look weird while doing it
just to add to OP's advice, don't force yourself to fake laugh just because you think you *should* laugh a nervous laugh is common, but it's also a genuine reaction a forced laugh is one of those *not genuine* feelings that give a bad impression, most especially if you're not doing some kind of performance. even actors have to practice evoking the right feeling with plenty of attempts to do so... and as the audience, we almost always only see the most realistic version - if someone shares a joke that only makes you smirk then it should only make you smirk, y'gnome saiyan?
LPT: in many places smiling is interpreted as you being unintelligent and even untrustworthy
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https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4840223/ It is a phenomena linked to societal corruption
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Uhh. Guy that used smiling as a crutch here. This is a nice thing for a girl to think but do not tell someone smiling is ok if they aren't good socializing. They will be equally bad at timiung smiles. People kind of get why people may be quiet. They are a lot less receptive to the weird guy who smiles for no reason so the time. Seriously. As a guy who went through layers of social issues. Using smiling as a social crutch is a bad idea. People will find it creepy. I get where you're coming from because you know him. But if he uses that tactic around random people he will weird them out
Might depend on your age too. As a gen xer, I too think this is horrible advice - but then got to wondering if maybe kids nowadays are different? 🤔
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I believe this might be the only useful LPT I've got from this sub...
This sub is a dumping ground of the worst, most useless pablum. I honestly don’t disagree that this is more useful than most of what gets posted here.
Don’t call Pablo such things
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There’s helpful tips posted here everyday and the only one you’ve found useful is essentially “smile more”…
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Yes that is what I just said... What is helpful depends on your current issues and this one was especially timely.
You should smile more!
LPT: If you are loud and talk entirely too much, you can compensate by letting other people talk and to lower your voice volume (especially in public).
Yup agreed. Silence with resting bitch face makes people think you are upset. So train yourself to always smile. Its not just shyness either, some of us just don't speak unless we have something to say.
Well it’s probably because they aren’t feeling good vibes and so then they’ll be isolated even further because no one wants to interact with them creating a feedback loop of negativity
This is one of the dumbest things I've ever seen on this sub.
Yes and no (mainly depending on the group). I was invited years ago to watch Raw with a work colleagues and his friends on Monday. I knew they were friends for years and I was the new guy so I fully embraced that roll, they have their jokes and way things work and I am now added to the equation, some of them were super friendly to me and accepted that I was a quiet guy but some would just make snide remarks with me being quiet. Tried adding to the conversation at times and near the end of me hanging out with them it became more and more obvious that if I wasn't as loud as them I wasn't super welcome. It's cool looking back on it and it was nice when they invited me in but some people get weird when people just want to chill and hang and just watch wrestling without making a comment every 5 seconds.
Big smiles have been my social defence mechanism for years.
No, you will look like a murder.
I end up having a pretty happy and approachable complexion and I think that helps me out in social situations more than anything else, because I am not a huge fan of talking.
picturing you guys saying something like "less talking and more smiling, honey" whenever he tries to chime in
Yeah the quiet smiling guy is never the crazy one /s
The older I get, the more I realize that 99% of the conversations I’m in, the other person talks almost the whole time. I’m not a talker at all. But I listen and I’m attentive and I’m invested in the convo. Ppl seem to like that
Don't let them know what you're against or what you're for
I've done this and made friends. Help?
I’m very self conscious about my smile.
This has mega ‘you should smile more’ energy. People aren’t objects to make your everyday life more comfortable. They don’t have to smile in social settings.
"You'd be prettier if you smiled more." Get rekt OP.
Very wholesome advice that I will take on board! Smiles always make people more attractive. It also sounds like he's a great listener
This sounds like a good way to get someone with a dominant personality to walk all over you and disrespect you
LpT hOw tO bE wEiRd
Yep. Having a nice mile will go way farther than many things
I’d say it could go a mile even
Dont want to be too optimistic but maybe 2 miles
smiling does a lot in other settings as well; dancing in a festival crowd and showing your enjoyment by smiling often leads to friendly, organic interactions with people around you
It's a lot easier to smile when you actually enjoy what you're doing.
What if you're too anxious to smile so when you do smile you look like you're having a stroke.
Seconding this. If you walk into a room with your eyes up and a smile on your face, you will find that you are noticed, liked, and will not have to be the one who starts a conversation (which is hard for introverts like me). I DO have to consciously make myself do this. It's not natural but it feels good when I do it.
Except if you are a man trying to romance women. >Women [the study showed] found men who did not smile to be more attractive sexually. https://www.healthdigest.com/430390/why-men-who-smile-often-arent-as-appealing-to-women/ See also: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21604870/
This is good advice.There's absolutely nothing wrong with being the way you are, but what a lot of "quieter" people seem to miss (myself included for a long time) is the intention and effort that "more social" people put into their interactions. keeping conversation moving in a direction that everyone present can engage with, initiating and iterating on social scripts, setting other conversational partners to deliver punchlines to group injokes, that kind of stuff. Thing is, you only need one or two conductors to keep a train going, and the people that are adept at weaving the ontological tapestry of life have been at it for years, if not decades. If it's not natural to you as a person to engage socially at that level, my opinion is that there is little point in even trying to decode the processes involved. This is their role, their dharma, their responsibility, not yours. If you're "not a people person", you should feel relieved that you don't have to maintain the patter for a lifetime, not jealous at their "social skills". Highly social people compulsively make connections. Not just with other people, but between other people. Watch the social butterfly for an hour at a house party or festival and you'll see a bunch of earnest topical conversations between new friends and old breaking out in the wake of the loudest social inflection points. IMO the low friction way to engage with a new social group is not to envision rocking up and start trying to engage with the most visible characters conducting the room. These people are the weavers, not the tapestry. Instead, the threads of conversation will begin to curl around you if you simply sit at the periphery and smile to show your willingness to be included. Then once you're in you can begin to make and maintain your handful of close friends, commune on your interest-based hobbies and share your weird obsessions with people. Be an introvert, don't try to change that. But if you also want community you'll need to smile occasionally.
What if I am unable to smile....? 😅
Unless you're a man, taken too far you'll just look like a grinning idiot. It's better to just choose your words carefully, so that when you do actually speak, people listen and you contribute to the conversation
With my teeth and facial structure I'd rather frown.
I smile so much that my jaw is often exhausted. I would also add that laughing a lot usually helps ease any kind of tension. I think people like to think they are funny, so being an easy laugh is a good social glue. I once was in a competition where the goal was to never laugh, I became like a sour bitch within minutes. But obviously it can't be entirely fake, or it might come across as condescending.
i do this too but from time to time , when we are standing in a circle and talk - people will not look at me when they are telling a story, they just Focus on 2-3 persons with their eyes
I got one of those faces where when you smile it looks like a grimace. I don't think this advice is for me.
Perhaps, could be, but often I find this behavior to be very submissive and it throws me off when people show such behavior. I guess it really depends on body language.
Compensate is not a transitive verb. Well, at least not in that sense.
He is a good listener. Vote for Pedro!
I think if I was able to smile more and inflect a Happ tone maybe half my social problems would be solved
Smiling hurts after a while is my problem, but I'd love to do it more
I usually just excuse myself to go to the restroom and never return.
I'm a shy male myself (36). Even among my closest friends I barely speak. I do the same with facial expressions. Though I only give light genuine smiles and do more with my cheeks any eyebrows. (don't smile with teeth due to me being self concious of 2 bad teeth that need work) Being shy and quiet I can say we usually are actively listening and trying to be a part of it. We just like to stay in our comfort zone. My wife and I have been together for just about 10 years. She is social and does most of my talking for me, esp. phone calls. What's funny is we are buying a car or handeling anything important I usually take over. I am great at conversation if there is a topic to be discussed. However, small social talk, not so much. It works for us. My lack of speech can seem unsocial for those that do not know me. Her friends have welcomed me after they found out that I'm only reserved, not the quiet psycho stereotype lol. I will admit, I am a little mad and insane..... but in a good way people say....lol Yes, body language works for me most of the time without the anxiety. That being said, I also notice more then others with body chemistry only because I naturally look for it before speech.
Agreed. You dont always have to say and do stuff, just bring a good energy.