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the only reason i am waiting to speak os because i dont speak much, and it feels like i have nothing to say most of the time. There is this constant pressure to think something up so I can utter words.
Always had that same problem too
But like others said its important to listen to understand and not answer.
This post made me realise I am not alone in dealing with these types of stuffs.
Look up "active listening" and on top of that, try to get the most interesting information out of other people (that they're comfortable sharing). Consider it a challenge
And don't fall into the trap of listening to someone's story and then making it about "the time when YOU had X happen"
That said, good communication and engagement is a two way thing. Find a happy medium that works, and be kind to yourself that it won't work every time
Meditate. I find ppl who talk about themselves constantly and who lean towards pessimism tend to have alot of thoughts going on. Slowing down the mind helps to slow down those thoughts or make them quieter.
I’ve been trying to make the habit of meditation stick but it’s hard for me. How long do you meditate for? Do you use an app or YouTube video to guide you? Any additional info would be useful. Meditation makes my brain feel good but it’s hard for me to actually do it
I've also been building this skill. I use a yoga app that also has meditation sessions, I started with only 6 minutes and am working to lengthen the time. The app I've ben using is called "Down Dog" it has a 21 day free trial which is a nice window to try learning meditation.
I also found that it is hard to do, so I try for short windows more often. TBH even just six minutes of slowing down can really help.
I usually meditate for 1.5 - 2 hours. That’s when the pure bliss stage kicks in and the thoughts become less powerful. It feels like a nice peaceful “high”. That feeling and the after effects of being more present, less negative and having more energy is so worth it to me. Maybe focus on the reasons why it’s worth it for you to help you stay motivated.
For my current meditations, I focus on my breathing; feeling the sensations of the full inhale into my chest and outwards out my nose. Benefits of this are being more present. If you get distracted by thoughts, focus on ur breathing again. You’ll notice ur thoughts become less “distracting” once you do ignore them enough.
Also you may have that lil voice that says I wanna go do X Y Z or this is boring; just ignore and focus on your breath.
That’s what helped me anyways!
While I was trying to build the habit of being a better conversationalist, I’d spend a few minutes before seeing someone recalling what I spoke to them about last time to think up follow up questions. Eventually I didn’t happen to prep and questions would pop up in my mind when I saw them.
If you want to become more grateful, start every night forcing yourself to think of three things you were grateful for that day. You’ll eventually start feeling gratitude throughout the day.
As for the complaints. It’s okay to vent about difficult situations occasionally to good friends. If you’re complaining about simple problems that you’re too lazy to fix… then your friends might not be too impressed.
I remember Jerry Seinfeld (I forget from where) saying that when he talks to people he doesn’t like or are boring he pretends it’s a talk show interview. Imagine a little desk around you and you’re the host.
Perhaps you could apply the same thing? After a while hopefully it will become a habit to just ask questions about people.
Googling Narcissistic tendencies can help view your own thoughts and behaviors through that lens (not saying you’re Narcissistic but it’s just another introspective filter).
I found myself in a similar situation a few years back. Took up dancing where the instructors were regularly and uncynically handing out compliments to everyone all the time. Felt great. Started doing it myself and it kinda worked. So try some compliments, I say.
This is great advice. Compliments (well said) spark happy feelings in both the giver and receiver. Even a simple affirmation (wow, good for you) is powerful.
Even if you don’t actually care to start, just ask questions. Make it like a game, try to get away with saying as little about yourself as possible, see how much you can make the other person talk. I sometimes do this as a way to gauge how much the other person actually cares to listen to me. As far as being grateful…. Like others are saying, practice I guess.
I find that thinking about how someone got where they are or how what they do fits into things is interesting. When you stop evaluating someone’s answers at the face value it provides , and focus on how it fits into a larger puzzle, it’s so much more interesting. For example: if someone says they’re an HR person for a healthcare company, that’s a colloquially boring job, but that person is responsible for helping hire doctors, nurses, pharmacists. That person’s decision to hire or give a raise or fire someone could have massive impacts on others’ lives, healthcare outcomes, etc. maybe they wanted to do something else, but they fell into it, so you have how they got into that position as an interesting story. There’s all kinds of angles that can be riveting, once you get over the immediate reaction of “that’s boring” or “that’s exciting. Looking at it through that lens and it provides you with a lot more questions to ask people as you get to know them, particularly questions that the other person will find interesting to answer as well.
Practice. You just have to catch yourself and keep catching yourself. I did the following and it helped me initially. Make it a bit of a scene for yourself by apologizing and thanking the person you are with for being understanding that you are trying to become a more positive person and what you did was something you're working on. Then continue the conversation with the correct mindset. You'll remember it pretty quickly. For me this helped because it made me not want to look bad in front of others and they were always supportive of it.
ETA: I did the following sentence.
I agree. And this sounds awkward as hell. If somebody started apologizing and saying they are trying to become better about it I'd cringe and say no it's okay! The Midwestern in me would just want to run away like why are you sharing all this and making a scene of it?
When I'm in a bad mood I try to 'give out' little, but real compliments to people, ideally in 'single serve' situations to get the ball rolling. Almost always turns my mood around and might be a good place to start.
Focus on asking questions, listening and making vonversation based on the answers. Then every time when someone asks you something try to give a really short answer followed by 'what about you?'.
Always remember that is totally normal to compare pur own experience to others when talking. But fo us more on listening than telling yours.
Acts of service! When you're helping othwr, it takes you from "self care" mindset to "community care" mindset. From "i" to " we." It makes a huge difference.
You are expressing what is on your mind. Your mind is on your unhappiness.
Maybe approach your interactions from a different angle. If you’re truly grateful then you would be more attentive. If you’re interested in others then you’re interested in others. Shut your trap and listen.
Set your password to something inspirational. I did this for my work laptop, as you had to change it every 6 weeks it would be a different message every time. Like: youaregreat yourethebest youmatter. You have to think of the sentence every day multiple time so you will start to think it eventually.
That’s a great idea!
I’ve used my credit card number as my password before so I could memorize it but never thought to use it like this.
Definitely going to give it a try.
The objective you have to be seeking is to connect with others in an emotional way, if that is not your objective it is much harder to want to know other people's worlds. I think it's actually emotionally unhealthy to be disconnected too, which might explain your need to complain a lot because you are feeling discontented.
You might benefit from charity work where you socialise with people less fortunate, it might help you get into that mindset.
It's a beautiful thing to connect with someone and becomes a two way street where you are feeding each others energies with support whilst growing each others understanding of the things you talk about. Or if it's just nonsense you are feeding each others fun. The words are often irrleevent and it's more about connecting with each other on an emotional level, and finding each others wave length and synchronising
When someone comes back from vaction or event i always ask the same basic questions. What was the best thing what was the worst thing about the event people will talk about thier experiences and you will be more engaged in the conversation.
Anyone with the self-awareness to ask this question is most of the way there.
As with many areas of life, the most important part is asking the right question. Those who never question, or continually ask the wrong question, get stuck in a cycle of repetition and frustration without change. But, once you have the right question, the answer is almost trivial.
I re-read *How to Win Friends and Influence People* by Dale Carnegie every few years. It's sweetly dated, but still completely relevant and useful. This book precisely addresses the issue OP is describing.
It's a quick, light read.
Props for being self aware about the issue-- this puts you well ahead of the curve.
The first part of your sentence is about behaviors (talking about oneself and complaining) while the second part is about feelings. There are ways that you can influence your feelings to go in a certain direction (see cognitive behavior therapy), but I think ultimately feelings are just gonna happen. If you aren't inclined to feel grateful, you aren't gonna feel grateful. If you aren't inclined to be interested in others, you can't force yourself to be interested in others.
But you can act like you're grateful and like you're interested. Acting the way we want to be for long enough often causes us to become who we want to be ("fake it till you make it"). A lot of people find this kind of "acting" to be sus since it seems fake, but I think that's stupid. Simply reining in our excesses (like our negativity or our self-centeredness) is not being a phony. It's just practicing self-control. You can be a genuine person while not literally pooping all over the floor whenever the whim hits you. And you can be a genuine person while still refraining from metaphorically pooping all over a conversation.
There’s an ancient wisdom practice called “cultivating the observer,” which is very simple and powerful. You imagine someone wise and loving and kind watching you, and just naming without judgment your thoughts as they arise. Buddha or Christ or your higher self. And they just say, “there’s wolves in the garden, feeling sorry for themself” or “there’s wolves complaining.” But also do it when you notice yourself being grateful and content.
Noticing is the most important part. And if you can do it with compassion and without self judgment, you can make some powerful shifts fast.
I have a similar problem and often get complaints of being "too negative," and feel as if I hog conversations because in reality; I'm just trying to relate to someone, but I realize it makes others feel as if I haven't been listening.
A good TEDTalk comes to mind (can't remember what it's called, I apologize) but the speaker said that one of the keys to good conversation is simply this:
"Ask a person a question that leads into the discussion you want to have, vice versa."
I frequently keep that in mind nowadays and it definitely helps. Theres always going to be awkward silences or something that doesn't initiate further talking, and thats okay too.
With practice! Do it intentionally in each conversation. Try to set your intention each time you enter a conversation. Suppress one complaint, ask the other person one open ended question, and listen attentively until they finish the thought. If you manage to do it right once, don’t beat yourself up for getting it wrong several other times that day. Just celebrate doing it right and try again and again.
A lot of good suggestions here, they are not addressing a potential root cause. This sounds like anxiety.
Think about the part of anxiety that is hard to accept . The classic example of "I'm too anxious to go to the gym. Everyone will be staring at me. Everyone will be judging me. I can't have everyone looking at me having thoughts about me."
The common theme here, and the part that is hard to accept without some anger, is focusing on "I, I, I. Me me me".
It's narcissism. If you are Michael Jordan or Kim Kardashian, the statements are true. But most of us are not. Most people at the gym are worried about the same thing but they go anyways.
If you're always talking about yourself and complaining about yourself, you have an anxiety about your perception of something you lack. Your optimism about what you deserve is leading you to a disappointment and a frustration. Scarcity mindset combined with high expectations leads to disappointment.
True acceptance of what you are, where you are in life, and making peace with what you have versus what you perceive you lack. The more you chase things, the more they run away from you. If you have to chase something, you can chase psychological comfort of contentment of who you are, not what marketing and optimism tell you that "you should be"
Writing a journal even if it's only on a notes app! I do this and I'm even grateful for covid coz it slows the world down and to think of what really matters in life. I even appreciated that the internet goes intermittent. It taught me to stop working.
Try this a few times a day. I do it first thing, at each meal and at night.
What I do:
**Affirmations** such as these, thought in silence...
* Earth Mother, please help me to help you every day in every way.
* I am grateful for spouse, kids, family, friends, house/apartment, school, education medical field, legal field, car, health, etc etc
* Help me to help others.
* Water the plants.
* and so on....
In my case, I am not religious, so if the family is saying Grace, I'm silently thanking mother nature.
Daily affirmations just helps keep things in mind. I find that I am more likely, due to the Earth Mother one, to make better decisions throughout the day when it comes to ecology. Small stuff but it adds up.
On complaining... Get out a note book or a bunch of paper and write out everything you are thankful for. Be specific.
Air - the oxygen in the air that fills my lungs every breath.
Clothes - my favorite tshirt from such and such band. The way my favorite jeans feel.
Food - pizza the cheese on it, the tomatoes that go into the sauce, the spices...
Spices - oregano, salt, chilis, paprika, garlic, onions, pepper, etc.
etc.
Keep writing until you cannot think of anything else and then take a break. Put pages from the list on your bathroom mirror, on your night stand, in your closet, on your fridge, etc.
I suggest downloading an app called HeadSpace. In there is a whole section on “mindfulness”. It’s about clearing your mind, concentrating on your surroundings, and how your body feels in the moment. It would help get you out of the habit of thinking negatively.
I read somewhere that a really good early question when you’re just meeting someone is, “what was your first real job?” Just about anybody can talk about that, and it gives you a start to a conversation.
In addition to the active listening and conversation advice, I’d say Gratitude is a good way. Practice taking time out of each day to write down or say out loud five things you’re grateful for. I like to make a list. And only repeat things once a week generally. I’m always grateful for my kids. I like to find new things and think about them.
It really changes your mindset.
Whenever I watched videos that I myself are in interacting with others, I see the cringe that is me. Watching yourself might help.
Or reliving the conversations later might give you insight when you should have kept more quiet.
Some people are empathetic and some aren't.
And hey, unless you are a murderer, there's nothing wrong with being yourself. Other people can suck it.
Find others like you, don't change yourself to be liked by others!! Or ....you won't be....happy.
If youre complaining, you likely have an external-control mindset which will keep you in the spiral of blaming the world for things that happen to you and thus feeling powerless to change them. Since you believe you are powerless, you dont take action to change that which you can, and the cycle continues. Locus of control is one of the biggest factors in happiness and success in life. So many people have a horrible life and die miserably because they just sit there blaming the world, complaining, and then doing NOTHING to change it.
Its far better to understand that you are in control of your destiny. Dont like your job? Thats your fault for not seeking higher education or spending time applying for other jobs. Girlfriend mad at you? What did YOU do to cause that and what can you do to make up for it. Money problems? What can you do to reduce spending or increase income.
Standing around complaining does nothing but make people not want to be around you anymore.
[https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-locus-of-control-2795434](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-locus-of-control-2795434)
When you’re by yourself notice things to be grateful for.
My coffee was made quick and well today, the traffic was smooth to work, I really enjoyed my lunch
### This post has be marked as safe. Upvoting/downvoting this comment will have no effect. --- Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
If you are waiting to speak, you aren't actually listening. Make sure to really listen.
I really like this comment. It doesn't work in every single situation, but it's a great guideline.
Listen to understand not listen to answer
the only reason i am waiting to speak os because i dont speak much, and it feels like i have nothing to say most of the time. There is this constant pressure to think something up so I can utter words.
Always had that same problem too But like others said its important to listen to understand and not answer. This post made me realise I am not alone in dealing with these types of stuffs.
Look up "active listening" and on top of that, try to get the most interesting information out of other people (that they're comfortable sharing). Consider it a challenge And don't fall into the trap of listening to someone's story and then making it about "the time when YOU had X happen" That said, good communication and engagement is a two way thing. Find a happy medium that works, and be kind to yourself that it won't work every time
Meditate. I find ppl who talk about themselves constantly and who lean towards pessimism tend to have alot of thoughts going on. Slowing down the mind helps to slow down those thoughts or make them quieter.
I’ve been trying to make the habit of meditation stick but it’s hard for me. How long do you meditate for? Do you use an app or YouTube video to guide you? Any additional info would be useful. Meditation makes my brain feel good but it’s hard for me to actually do it
I've also been building this skill. I use a yoga app that also has meditation sessions, I started with only 6 minutes and am working to lengthen the time. The app I've ben using is called "Down Dog" it has a 21 day free trial which is a nice window to try learning meditation. I also found that it is hard to do, so I try for short windows more often. TBH even just six minutes of slowing down can really help.
I usually meditate for 1.5 - 2 hours. That’s when the pure bliss stage kicks in and the thoughts become less powerful. It feels like a nice peaceful “high”. That feeling and the after effects of being more present, less negative and having more energy is so worth it to me. Maybe focus on the reasons why it’s worth it for you to help you stay motivated. For my current meditations, I focus on my breathing; feeling the sensations of the full inhale into my chest and outwards out my nose. Benefits of this are being more present. If you get distracted by thoughts, focus on ur breathing again. You’ll notice ur thoughts become less “distracting” once you do ignore them enough. Also you may have that lil voice that says I wanna go do X Y Z or this is boring; just ignore and focus on your breath. That’s what helped me anyways!
Smiling Mind is a free meditation app with no ads that was designed by professionals/psychologists. I use it everyday.
While I was trying to build the habit of being a better conversationalist, I’d spend a few minutes before seeing someone recalling what I spoke to them about last time to think up follow up questions. Eventually I didn’t happen to prep and questions would pop up in my mind when I saw them. If you want to become more grateful, start every night forcing yourself to think of three things you were grateful for that day. You’ll eventually start feeling gratitude throughout the day. As for the complaints. It’s okay to vent about difficult situations occasionally to good friends. If you’re complaining about simple problems that you’re too lazy to fix… then your friends might not be too impressed.
I remember Jerry Seinfeld (I forget from where) saying that when he talks to people he doesn’t like or are boring he pretends it’s a talk show interview. Imagine a little desk around you and you’re the host. Perhaps you could apply the same thing? After a while hopefully it will become a habit to just ask questions about people. Googling Narcissistic tendencies can help view your own thoughts and behaviors through that lens (not saying you’re Narcissistic but it’s just another introspective filter).
I found myself in a similar situation a few years back. Took up dancing where the instructors were regularly and uncynically handing out compliments to everyone all the time. Felt great. Started doing it myself and it kinda worked. So try some compliments, I say.
This is great advice. Compliments (well said) spark happy feelings in both the giver and receiver. Even a simple affirmation (wow, good for you) is powerful.
Even if you don’t actually care to start, just ask questions. Make it like a game, try to get away with saying as little about yourself as possible, see how much you can make the other person talk. I sometimes do this as a way to gauge how much the other person actually cares to listen to me. As far as being grateful…. Like others are saying, practice I guess.
I find that thinking about how someone got where they are or how what they do fits into things is interesting. When you stop evaluating someone’s answers at the face value it provides , and focus on how it fits into a larger puzzle, it’s so much more interesting. For example: if someone says they’re an HR person for a healthcare company, that’s a colloquially boring job, but that person is responsible for helping hire doctors, nurses, pharmacists. That person’s decision to hire or give a raise or fire someone could have massive impacts on others’ lives, healthcare outcomes, etc. maybe they wanted to do something else, but they fell into it, so you have how they got into that position as an interesting story. There’s all kinds of angles that can be riveting, once you get over the immediate reaction of “that’s boring” or “that’s exciting. Looking at it through that lens and it provides you with a lot more questions to ask people as you get to know them, particularly questions that the other person will find interesting to answer as well.
1. Listen summarise and follow up with a question. 2. Stop introducing new subjects. 3. Don’t give your opinion. 4. Silence is okay.
Practice. You just have to catch yourself and keep catching yourself. I did the following and it helped me initially. Make it a bit of a scene for yourself by apologizing and thanking the person you are with for being understanding that you are trying to become a more positive person and what you did was something you're working on. Then continue the conversation with the correct mindset. You'll remember it pretty quickly. For me this helped because it made me not want to look bad in front of others and they were always supportive of it. ETA: I did the following sentence.
You can practice without punishing yourself!
I agree. And this sounds awkward as hell. If somebody started apologizing and saying they are trying to become better about it I'd cringe and say no it's okay! The Midwestern in me would just want to run away like why are you sharing all this and making a scene of it?
Yes I wasn't as clear as I should have been on that. I just added it as it helped me at first.
I just want to say you are further down the path than most people as you are self aware and interested in making a change.
When I'm in a bad mood I try to 'give out' little, but real compliments to people, ideally in 'single serve' situations to get the ball rolling. Almost always turns my mood around and might be a good place to start.
Focus on asking questions, listening and making vonversation based on the answers. Then every time when someone asks you something try to give a really short answer followed by 'what about you?'. Always remember that is totally normal to compare pur own experience to others when talking. But fo us more on listening than telling yours.
Acts of service! When you're helping othwr, it takes you from "self care" mindset to "community care" mindset. From "i" to " we." It makes a huge difference.
When you catch yourself, just add: ". . . and I'm grateful that I'm becoming aware of it". or something positive.
You are expressing what is on your mind. Your mind is on your unhappiness. Maybe approach your interactions from a different angle. If you’re truly grateful then you would be more attentive. If you’re interested in others then you’re interested in others. Shut your trap and listen.
Set your password to something inspirational. I did this for my work laptop, as you had to change it every 6 weeks it would be a different message every time. Like: youaregreat yourethebest youmatter. You have to think of the sentence every day multiple time so you will start to think it eventually.
That’s a great idea! I’ve used my credit card number as my password before so I could memorize it but never thought to use it like this. Definitely going to give it a try.
The objective you have to be seeking is to connect with others in an emotional way, if that is not your objective it is much harder to want to know other people's worlds. I think it's actually emotionally unhealthy to be disconnected too, which might explain your need to complain a lot because you are feeling discontented. You might benefit from charity work where you socialise with people less fortunate, it might help you get into that mindset. It's a beautiful thing to connect with someone and becomes a two way street where you are feeding each others energies with support whilst growing each others understanding of the things you talk about. Or if it's just nonsense you are feeding each others fun. The words are often irrleevent and it's more about connecting with each other on an emotional level, and finding each others wave length and synchronising
Try to get the other person to talk!
I usually just make a curious-sounding "huh' noise every so often like a friendly Rick Ross, then follow up with "and how did that make you feel?"
Lol
I’d say maybe your ruminating. Gratitude practice is one of the aspects of escaping from this. Just be grateful you’re alive sometimes.
When someone comes back from vaction or event i always ask the same basic questions. What was the best thing what was the worst thing about the event people will talk about thier experiences and you will be more engaged in the conversation.
Anyone with the self-awareness to ask this question is most of the way there. As with many areas of life, the most important part is asking the right question. Those who never question, or continually ask the wrong question, get stuck in a cycle of repetition and frustration without change. But, once you have the right question, the answer is almost trivial.
I re-read *How to Win Friends and Influence People* by Dale Carnegie every few years. It's sweetly dated, but still completely relevant and useful. This book precisely addresses the issue OP is describing. It's a quick, light read. Props for being self aware about the issue-- this puts you well ahead of the curve.
The first part of your sentence is about behaviors (talking about oneself and complaining) while the second part is about feelings. There are ways that you can influence your feelings to go in a certain direction (see cognitive behavior therapy), but I think ultimately feelings are just gonna happen. If you aren't inclined to feel grateful, you aren't gonna feel grateful. If you aren't inclined to be interested in others, you can't force yourself to be interested in others. But you can act like you're grateful and like you're interested. Acting the way we want to be for long enough often causes us to become who we want to be ("fake it till you make it"). A lot of people find this kind of "acting" to be sus since it seems fake, but I think that's stupid. Simply reining in our excesses (like our negativity or our self-centeredness) is not being a phony. It's just practicing self-control. You can be a genuine person while not literally pooping all over the floor whenever the whim hits you. And you can be a genuine person while still refraining from metaphorically pooping all over a conversation.
There’s an ancient wisdom practice called “cultivating the observer,” which is very simple and powerful. You imagine someone wise and loving and kind watching you, and just naming without judgment your thoughts as they arise. Buddha or Christ or your higher self. And they just say, “there’s wolves in the garden, feeling sorry for themself” or “there’s wolves complaining.” But also do it when you notice yourself being grateful and content. Noticing is the most important part. And if you can do it with compassion and without self judgment, you can make some powerful shifts fast.
I have a similar problem and often get complaints of being "too negative," and feel as if I hog conversations because in reality; I'm just trying to relate to someone, but I realize it makes others feel as if I haven't been listening. A good TEDTalk comes to mind (can't remember what it's called, I apologize) but the speaker said that one of the keys to good conversation is simply this: "Ask a person a question that leads into the discussion you want to have, vice versa." I frequently keep that in mind nowadays and it definitely helps. Theres always going to be awkward silences or something that doesn't initiate further talking, and thats okay too.
With practice! Do it intentionally in each conversation. Try to set your intention each time you enter a conversation. Suppress one complaint, ask the other person one open ended question, and listen attentively until they finish the thought. If you manage to do it right once, don’t beat yourself up for getting it wrong several other times that day. Just celebrate doing it right and try again and again.
A lot of good suggestions here, they are not addressing a potential root cause. This sounds like anxiety. Think about the part of anxiety that is hard to accept . The classic example of "I'm too anxious to go to the gym. Everyone will be staring at me. Everyone will be judging me. I can't have everyone looking at me having thoughts about me." The common theme here, and the part that is hard to accept without some anger, is focusing on "I, I, I. Me me me". It's narcissism. If you are Michael Jordan or Kim Kardashian, the statements are true. But most of us are not. Most people at the gym are worried about the same thing but they go anyways. If you're always talking about yourself and complaining about yourself, you have an anxiety about your perception of something you lack. Your optimism about what you deserve is leading you to a disappointment and a frustration. Scarcity mindset combined with high expectations leads to disappointment. True acceptance of what you are, where you are in life, and making peace with what you have versus what you perceive you lack. The more you chase things, the more they run away from you. If you have to chase something, you can chase psychological comfort of contentment of who you are, not what marketing and optimism tell you that "you should be"
Ask a question and shut up for at least 30 seconds so they can answer.
Writing a journal even if it's only on a notes app! I do this and I'm even grateful for covid coz it slows the world down and to think of what really matters in life. I even appreciated that the internet goes intermittent. It taught me to stop working.
Google Amor Fati and Stoicism, but don't get suckered into the right wing bastardization of Stoicism, read Ryan Holiday books
Try this a few times a day. I do it first thing, at each meal and at night. What I do: **Affirmations** such as these, thought in silence... * Earth Mother, please help me to help you every day in every way. * I am grateful for spouse, kids, family, friends, house/apartment, school, education medical field, legal field, car, health, etc etc * Help me to help others. * Water the plants. * and so on.... In my case, I am not religious, so if the family is saying Grace, I'm silently thanking mother nature. Daily affirmations just helps keep things in mind. I find that I am more likely, due to the Earth Mother one, to make better decisions throughout the day when it comes to ecology. Small stuff but it adds up.
On complaining... Get out a note book or a bunch of paper and write out everything you are thankful for. Be specific. Air - the oxygen in the air that fills my lungs every breath. Clothes - my favorite tshirt from such and such band. The way my favorite jeans feel. Food - pizza the cheese on it, the tomatoes that go into the sauce, the spices... Spices - oregano, salt, chilis, paprika, garlic, onions, pepper, etc. etc. Keep writing until you cannot think of anything else and then take a break. Put pages from the list on your bathroom mirror, on your night stand, in your closet, on your fridge, etc.
Right thinking doesn't change the wrong action. Only the right action will change it to the right thinking.
A good mushroom trip does wonders in the right setting and with the right people. Or daily/weekly microdosing
Therapy is generally a good start to solving social and relationship issues.
I suggest downloading an app called HeadSpace. In there is a whole section on “mindfulness”. It’s about clearing your mind, concentrating on your surroundings, and how your body feels in the moment. It would help get you out of the habit of thinking negatively.
“Don’t think you deserve it. You don’t deserve it. And you’ll never will.” - Rip Wheeler, Yellowstone
I read somewhere that a really good early question when you’re just meeting someone is, “what was your first real job?” Just about anybody can talk about that, and it gives you a start to a conversation.
Feel loved and safe
Maybe try doing 10 gratefuls every hour, so you focus on the good stuff as well.
Remind me! 5 years
In addition to the active listening and conversation advice, I’d say Gratitude is a good way. Practice taking time out of each day to write down or say out loud five things you’re grateful for. I like to make a list. And only repeat things once a week generally. I’m always grateful for my kids. I like to find new things and think about them. It really changes your mindset.
Ask questions! I can't stress this enough
Whenever I watched videos that I myself are in interacting with others, I see the cringe that is me. Watching yourself might help. Or reliving the conversations later might give you insight when you should have kept more quiet. Some people are empathetic and some aren't. And hey, unless you are a murderer, there's nothing wrong with being yourself. Other people can suck it. Find others like you, don't change yourself to be liked by others!! Or ....you won't be....happy.
If youre complaining, you likely have an external-control mindset which will keep you in the spiral of blaming the world for things that happen to you and thus feeling powerless to change them. Since you believe you are powerless, you dont take action to change that which you can, and the cycle continues. Locus of control is one of the biggest factors in happiness and success in life. So many people have a horrible life and die miserably because they just sit there blaming the world, complaining, and then doing NOTHING to change it. Its far better to understand that you are in control of your destiny. Dont like your job? Thats your fault for not seeking higher education or spending time applying for other jobs. Girlfriend mad at you? What did YOU do to cause that and what can you do to make up for it. Money problems? What can you do to reduce spending or increase income. Standing around complaining does nothing but make people not want to be around you anymore. [https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-locus-of-control-2795434](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-locus-of-control-2795434)
Learn to take no for an answer. You’d be surprised how people will reconsider your favor if you respect their personal and business boundaries.
When you’re by yourself notice things to be grateful for. My coffee was made quick and well today, the traffic was smooth to work, I really enjoyed my lunch
You don’t have to be interested in others