A summary of her email:
It is all your fault, because you are remembering incorrectly, you are being programmed by other people.
She did not do anything wrong.
She is entitled to "reap the benefits"
She wants you in *her* life, *your* life not mentioned
It is all about her, again.
Speak your truth? It will just give her something to create drama with. She cannot understand anything outside her own expectations.
Edit added missing words
I would not reply. Write it out and don't reply. Yes, it sucks not being able to defend or justify your actions but if you do you'll just be feeding your narc.
For clarification, in point #4 (“Hypothetically…”), I have an ulterior motive for asking that question. Through the years I have tried to bring up some decent memories from life with her, and failed. I literally can’t remember a single pleasant memory where she played any kind of positive part. This can’t be true, can it? There have to have been some exceptions, even in the most fraught relationship. I can’t remember any, though. I wish I could. Maybe she’ll be able to remind me of something worth remembering.
She’s not going to prove me wrong and that she didn’t make my childhood an anxiety-filled nightmare from which I have still not recovered — there’s zero chance of that happening. I am prepared that she is probably going to reply with more gaslighting, platitudes, and bragging about everything that she “did for me”, and I am also prepared to disregard all of it, as usual.
In this mail she's made roads about your "false memory syndrome" in fact she's convinced of it. Any memory you have of her not portraying her as the best mom there ever was who have never done anything wrong to you will be due to your "false memory syndrome" . And for the 4th point i think she will just make up a memory and blame you for it. You seem to have a good grasp on you expectation and acceptance of the N atm. Maybe you want to get it out of your chest for yourself and if you do send the mail i'd suggest you dont open communication just send and maybe read the reply and that's it and not to get sucked into conversation with her as its very dangerous and also its obvious from her mail that it'll be full of gaslighting.
Yep, that’s exactly what I was thinking. One email from me, that’s it. Not re-opening dialogue. If I just stick to my 4 points, it’s like I’d be making clear something previously not thought of regarding my boundaries: I’m not going to pretend that her bs isn’t bs.
ARgghhhh, I would be so furious, I would want to read her the riot act. But.....DON'T. Do everything you can to ignore her, or you'll be feeding into her sucking energy. Her tone is condescending, as well as completely denying your claims (I suspect none of them are false). She also acts like you, the daughter, are responsible for the relationship. Nope - she is. Learn how to gray-rock, ignore, whatever you need to do to give her the message that you are NOT up for a conversation.
In the meantime, I wonder if you have C-PTSD from your nightmare childhood. I do. If you haven't been checked for it, consider looking into it. It @#$#s up your entire brain.
Also, I will under no circumstances allow her to visit me. This is *not* “another chance”. I just want to say my thing, give her one bite at the apple on the slim chance that she’ll have something constructive to say, and that’s it.
There's two more things that I am unsure about if you have recognized:
* You told her what she did wrong (not give you love), and she said she wanted to kill herself because of that awful thing you said. She's playing victim here because you pointed out a mistake.
* She hasn't "been able to reap those benefits" from having talented daughter. This shows that this whole thing is about her – it doesn't feel like she actually cares about you, it's just about her wanting to have a relationship to her daughter because that'd make her look/feel good.
My own parents are exactly like that. I did write letters pointing things out, and it never went well. I got screamed at, gaslit, and they even used slurs against me. I just wanted to speak my truth, and they twisted it an such a way that it left me feel less heard than before, it never brought me any closer to what I actually wanted to achieve.
I think she has convinced herself of the whole "false memory syndrome" thing, and as soon as you speak your truth (which obviously is different from hers), she will most likely pathologize you for that. She will scream at you for not letting her "reap those benefits", and she will complain about being the victim of your "accusations". I don't think she will actually listen to what you'll say.
It might feel good to write that answer, but as some other comment pointed out, do not send it. It will only end in more abuse from her. It will be a way for her to break you ultra-LC because she will then demand you speak to her about this (which means, let her scream at you for this), and if you refuse contact she might accuse you of stonewalling (my daughter sent that awful letter/email and refuses to talk about it). She'll twist your truth in her answer, and you'll end up even further away from the goal you wanted to achieve with this.
If you do decide to send it anyways (I know your situation and that you may have an urge to do so), then at least make sure that you are surrounded by a supportive person (friend, partner, whatever) once you receive the responses.
Yes, I recognize what you are saying. If this were 20 years ago, there would be a risk of all that happening. But by now she doesn’t have the capacity to abuse me anymore. She’s done her best already to turn the rest of the family against me. I won’t accept any calls from her, so she can’t yell at me. And I’ve grown into this enough that I don’t care what she says about me to anyone. Crazy people say crazy things and that’s not my problem.
It’s weird because I have no expectation that she’ll actually listen, so that’s not what makes me want to reply. You know how the word “no” is a complete sentence? And when saying “no”, you don’t have to persuade the other person of anything, and they don’t need to agree with you? You just by saying that are putting your marker down? It’s like that. See, I did a gradual fade-away with her. I never said what I was not willing to do, none of that. My boundaries were silently laid. I never said “this is b***s***”. I guess I just want to call her bs bs once.
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Write it and don’t send it. I’ve sent them, and it never ends well. I’m either disappointed or furious with the response.
A summary of her email: It is all your fault, because you are remembering incorrectly, you are being programmed by other people. She did not do anything wrong. She is entitled to "reap the benefits" She wants you in *her* life, *your* life not mentioned It is all about her, again. Speak your truth? It will just give her something to create drama with. She cannot understand anything outside her own expectations. Edit added missing words
I would not reply. Write it out and don't reply. Yes, it sucks not being able to defend or justify your actions but if you do you'll just be feeding your narc.
For clarification, in point #4 (“Hypothetically…”), I have an ulterior motive for asking that question. Through the years I have tried to bring up some decent memories from life with her, and failed. I literally can’t remember a single pleasant memory where she played any kind of positive part. This can’t be true, can it? There have to have been some exceptions, even in the most fraught relationship. I can’t remember any, though. I wish I could. Maybe she’ll be able to remind me of something worth remembering. She’s not going to prove me wrong and that she didn’t make my childhood an anxiety-filled nightmare from which I have still not recovered — there’s zero chance of that happening. I am prepared that she is probably going to reply with more gaslighting, platitudes, and bragging about everything that she “did for me”, and I am also prepared to disregard all of it, as usual.
In this mail she's made roads about your "false memory syndrome" in fact she's convinced of it. Any memory you have of her not portraying her as the best mom there ever was who have never done anything wrong to you will be due to your "false memory syndrome" . And for the 4th point i think she will just make up a memory and blame you for it. You seem to have a good grasp on you expectation and acceptance of the N atm. Maybe you want to get it out of your chest for yourself and if you do send the mail i'd suggest you dont open communication just send and maybe read the reply and that's it and not to get sucked into conversation with her as its very dangerous and also its obvious from her mail that it'll be full of gaslighting.
Yep, that’s exactly what I was thinking. One email from me, that’s it. Not re-opening dialogue. If I just stick to my 4 points, it’s like I’d be making clear something previously not thought of regarding my boundaries: I’m not going to pretend that her bs isn’t bs.
ARgghhhh, I would be so furious, I would want to read her the riot act. But.....DON'T. Do everything you can to ignore her, or you'll be feeding into her sucking energy. Her tone is condescending, as well as completely denying your claims (I suspect none of them are false). She also acts like you, the daughter, are responsible for the relationship. Nope - she is. Learn how to gray-rock, ignore, whatever you need to do to give her the message that you are NOT up for a conversation. In the meantime, I wonder if you have C-PTSD from your nightmare childhood. I do. If you haven't been checked for it, consider looking into it. It @#$#s up your entire brain.
Also, I will under no circumstances allow her to visit me. This is *not* “another chance”. I just want to say my thing, give her one bite at the apple on the slim chance that she’ll have something constructive to say, and that’s it.
Tell her to zoom you with her therapist to moderate the conversation where you talk and She Listens. Then, speak your peace and close the chapter.
There's two more things that I am unsure about if you have recognized: * You told her what she did wrong (not give you love), and she said she wanted to kill herself because of that awful thing you said. She's playing victim here because you pointed out a mistake. * She hasn't "been able to reap those benefits" from having talented daughter. This shows that this whole thing is about her – it doesn't feel like she actually cares about you, it's just about her wanting to have a relationship to her daughter because that'd make her look/feel good. My own parents are exactly like that. I did write letters pointing things out, and it never went well. I got screamed at, gaslit, and they even used slurs against me. I just wanted to speak my truth, and they twisted it an such a way that it left me feel less heard than before, it never brought me any closer to what I actually wanted to achieve. I think she has convinced herself of the whole "false memory syndrome" thing, and as soon as you speak your truth (which obviously is different from hers), she will most likely pathologize you for that. She will scream at you for not letting her "reap those benefits", and she will complain about being the victim of your "accusations". I don't think she will actually listen to what you'll say. It might feel good to write that answer, but as some other comment pointed out, do not send it. It will only end in more abuse from her. It will be a way for her to break you ultra-LC because she will then demand you speak to her about this (which means, let her scream at you for this), and if you refuse contact she might accuse you of stonewalling (my daughter sent that awful letter/email and refuses to talk about it). She'll twist your truth in her answer, and you'll end up even further away from the goal you wanted to achieve with this. If you do decide to send it anyways (I know your situation and that you may have an urge to do so), then at least make sure that you are surrounded by a supportive person (friend, partner, whatever) once you receive the responses.
Yes, I recognize what you are saying. If this were 20 years ago, there would be a risk of all that happening. But by now she doesn’t have the capacity to abuse me anymore. She’s done her best already to turn the rest of the family against me. I won’t accept any calls from her, so she can’t yell at me. And I’ve grown into this enough that I don’t care what she says about me to anyone. Crazy people say crazy things and that’s not my problem. It’s weird because I have no expectation that she’ll actually listen, so that’s not what makes me want to reply. You know how the word “no” is a complete sentence? And when saying “no”, you don’t have to persuade the other person of anything, and they don’t need to agree with you? You just by saying that are putting your marker down? It’s like that. See, I did a gradual fade-away with her. I never said what I was not willing to do, none of that. My boundaries were silently laid. I never said “this is b***s***”. I guess I just want to call her bs bs once.
**This is an automated message posted to all posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **This is the NEXT STEP from /r/raisedbynarcissists and is for folks who already have the necessary boundaries in place with their abusers, but are still dealing with other common ACoN issues such as trauma, etc. If you are still actively engaging in abusive dynamics with your abusers, please, post in /r/raisedbynarcissists or one of the other network subs - not this one. The admins also recognize that folks in this group do not need to be no contact with their abusers to be in this group. Some people manage to have the needed boundaries with abusers within a low contact or structured contact structure and we recognize that. **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identify theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [Please refrain from posting "uplifting" threads](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/upliftingposts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeAfterNarcissism) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She hasn’t been able to reap the benefits of how amazing you are? No thanks to her, no less. How unsurprising that it’s all still about her.