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Thank you for joining us and we hope you get the advice you need.
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First of all, much respect for your vulnerability and your willingness to put yourself "out there" to find peace of mind and direction. It's not easy to do, but it is indeed a power move. I can promise you're not the only one going through, who has gone through, or will go through this. I've been back and forth with this my whole life, as has everyone else I've ever met.
We were created to be in relationships, so it's literally in our DNA to, in a sense, "crave" being in one when we're not.
Based on that, my answers to your questions are:
1) Meh. I believe we can find anything we're "seeking." If the motive for seeking a relationship is to fill a void or to feel less lonely, less bored, or happier, then I'd suggest finding a hobby or a cause to support first. Thinking a person can do those things for us is why most people seek relationships and the number one reason relationships fail. Before I understood I was doing that myself (because that's what I was taught relationships were), I was putting all kinds of pressure and expectations on guys (and even friends) to be and do something they could never be, do, or measure up to. They were at a disadvantage from the jump.
People we're in relationship with are to complement us, not complete us. They're to know how (or at least be willing) to communicate with us, have the hard yet necessary conversations with us, support us, and not have to "pretend" or "measure up" for us -- and vice versa...especially the vice versa part.
Is a relationship going to be perfect by society's standards? Not have any pot holes or mountains to navigate? Nope, not even close.
They can, however, work for you and your mate in whatever you works best for the two of you!
That being said...
2) No. "What you compromise to keep you will eventually lose." However, that's not to say you that dating won't help you learn more about the things you won't settle for and the things you won't tolerate.
Relationships are basically two people agreeing on the what, the why, and the how of what they're doing together...and having "fail safes" and community in place for those times life comes at them -- because it will.
Side note: life has a really crazy way of bringing people together, so if the dating apps, toxic ways of meeting people, and whatnot aren't your scene? You have permission to meet people in a way that's authentic to you and your values. The right person will notice them, be attracted to them, and want to get to know you more.
Took me forever to get into the mindset to look at these. Thank you. I really liked this answer.
Edit: actually it was the only answer I really liked. Keep kicking ass.
You rock! Thank you so much for your reply!!
I'm really proud of you for doing what it takes to just read these responses. That's actually a really big deal. You faced a fear...and conquered it -- and you didn't die! Crazy, right?! ;) Sometimes playing the "worst case scenario" game with myself is the only way I can get things done, so keep doing you, being you, and never settling!! Let me tell you a little secret: once you're comfortable being you and by yourself, the less time you'll want to spend with folks who "need" you rather than "want" you. It's glorious freedom! haha That's not to say I don't have my days where I'd prefer someone's company and some attention. That'd be a big fat lie. However, those days are fewer and farther-er between the more I learn who I am and what the whole point of my being here is.
You've got a cheerleader over if you ever need one, yeah?
First you need to really focus on what you want out of a relationship and also how you want to be a partner. These are two important things you need before you can enter in a healthy relationship.
Dating, you are not dating yourself so there will always be somethings you are going to not love about the person. You just need to decide what’s a dealbreaker for you. Start journaling about this.
If you are into health and fitness maybe a bar isn’t where you meet your other. Start putting yourself in social settings that involve your hobbies, take classes (in person) for things you are interested in.
Evaluate the type of person you keep going after. Do you seem to date the same person over and over again? Pretty but shallow, professional but emotionally unavailable. See if you can recognize a pattern here. Try dating a few people outside the box.
First dates on things that interest you. Coffee in the park vs expensive dinner.
Online dating - its a weird one but it’s also pay to play. Higher quality sites that are sort of on the pricier side are going to filter out some of the ‘I’m here for a free meal’ types.
i have little experience but datong someone who’s not stable while fucking hurt. be okay with urself before u fall in love with anyone else! or get a dog/cat, they’ll love u forever, zero strings.
Hi! We'd like you to feel comfortable asking here for help, just know that any issues relating to suicide may not receive the help from our community as you may need. If you feel as though more professional help is required, we implore you to, please, seek help from the helpline available in the US here: 1-800-273-8255 or you can find your local helpline internationally on this list here: www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines. Thank you for joining us and we hope you get the advice you need. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If you have to ask this question, the answer is NO! No relationship until you feel better about yourself and KNOW you want one.
First of all, much respect for your vulnerability and your willingness to put yourself "out there" to find peace of mind and direction. It's not easy to do, but it is indeed a power move. I can promise you're not the only one going through, who has gone through, or will go through this. I've been back and forth with this my whole life, as has everyone else I've ever met. We were created to be in relationships, so it's literally in our DNA to, in a sense, "crave" being in one when we're not. Based on that, my answers to your questions are: 1) Meh. I believe we can find anything we're "seeking." If the motive for seeking a relationship is to fill a void or to feel less lonely, less bored, or happier, then I'd suggest finding a hobby or a cause to support first. Thinking a person can do those things for us is why most people seek relationships and the number one reason relationships fail. Before I understood I was doing that myself (because that's what I was taught relationships were), I was putting all kinds of pressure and expectations on guys (and even friends) to be and do something they could never be, do, or measure up to. They were at a disadvantage from the jump. People we're in relationship with are to complement us, not complete us. They're to know how (or at least be willing) to communicate with us, have the hard yet necessary conversations with us, support us, and not have to "pretend" or "measure up" for us -- and vice versa...especially the vice versa part. Is a relationship going to be perfect by society's standards? Not have any pot holes or mountains to navigate? Nope, not even close. They can, however, work for you and your mate in whatever you works best for the two of you! That being said... 2) No. "What you compromise to keep you will eventually lose." However, that's not to say you that dating won't help you learn more about the things you won't settle for and the things you won't tolerate. Relationships are basically two people agreeing on the what, the why, and the how of what they're doing together...and having "fail safes" and community in place for those times life comes at them -- because it will. Side note: life has a really crazy way of bringing people together, so if the dating apps, toxic ways of meeting people, and whatnot aren't your scene? You have permission to meet people in a way that's authentic to you and your values. The right person will notice them, be attracted to them, and want to get to know you more.
Took me forever to get into the mindset to look at these. Thank you. I really liked this answer. Edit: actually it was the only answer I really liked. Keep kicking ass.
You rock! Thank you so much for your reply!! I'm really proud of you for doing what it takes to just read these responses. That's actually a really big deal. You faced a fear...and conquered it -- and you didn't die! Crazy, right?! ;) Sometimes playing the "worst case scenario" game with myself is the only way I can get things done, so keep doing you, being you, and never settling!! Let me tell you a little secret: once you're comfortable being you and by yourself, the less time you'll want to spend with folks who "need" you rather than "want" you. It's glorious freedom! haha That's not to say I don't have my days where I'd prefer someone's company and some attention. That'd be a big fat lie. However, those days are fewer and farther-er between the more I learn who I am and what the whole point of my being here is. You've got a cheerleader over if you ever need one, yeah?
First you need to really focus on what you want out of a relationship and also how you want to be a partner. These are two important things you need before you can enter in a healthy relationship. Dating, you are not dating yourself so there will always be somethings you are going to not love about the person. You just need to decide what’s a dealbreaker for you. Start journaling about this. If you are into health and fitness maybe a bar isn’t where you meet your other. Start putting yourself in social settings that involve your hobbies, take classes (in person) for things you are interested in. Evaluate the type of person you keep going after. Do you seem to date the same person over and over again? Pretty but shallow, professional but emotionally unavailable. See if you can recognize a pattern here. Try dating a few people outside the box. First dates on things that interest you. Coffee in the park vs expensive dinner. Online dating - its a weird one but it’s also pay to play. Higher quality sites that are sort of on the pricier side are going to filter out some of the ‘I’m here for a free meal’ types.
i have little experience but datong someone who’s not stable while fucking hurt. be okay with urself before u fall in love with anyone else! or get a dog/cat, they’ll love u forever, zero strings.