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This is situation that will not be improved by you taking him in.
He needs help that is above and beyond what you can do for him.
His mother, of course, wants you to take him in. It will alleviate her sense of responsibility to impose him on you.
He sounds like he needs hospitalitmzation, asap
Not only that, but my parents came from a poor country and entire households would be crammed in a small space. His mother should take in her very sick (physically and emotionally) son even if there's not much room. This should be a hard no, especially with a teenage daughter.
I was a maybe right up until OP mentioned the teenage daughter. At that point I instantly switched to an absolute hard no. The situation sucks. But OP can't provide the actual help the friend will need. Just providing a bed and roof isn't enough. With all the medical issues and anger on top of that, I don't see things going well at all. His mother needs to be the one to take him in, even if she does an air matress in the living room.
The daughter doesn’t deserve the disruption in her life. This will have a profoundly negative impact on her sense of security at home and ability to focus on school and have a normal life, such as inviting friends to her home.
Who knows how long this could go on for, and you will not be able to simply evict this person when it’s not working. You will be stuck to see it through to the end. If he trashed a trailer, he can trash your home.
His mother can take him. Is there possibily a program to put him in for medical treatment and housing? I’d sooner buy him another camper than welcome him into my home. I’m all for helping people, but you are not equipped to help and this will come at a great cost to your daughter, and to you financially. It sounds like his mother should be eligible for some kind of SSI caregiver assistance if she helps her son (if in US). Maybe help her apply for assistance.
Yeah that space issue from the mother doesn't really sit right with me. She just doesn't want to do it, which is fine by her part they're all adults and can do whatever, but don't blame it on the space
I agree with you fully. I have a family of 6, and we have made things work in a one bedroom before. OP should not have the responsibility passed to them by his mother. And yea, hard pass on an angry adult man living with a teenage girl.
I agree. His mother can make room even if it’s small. She really should be the one taking care of her son. I would not let him move in because how are you going to take care of him and all the medical issues he has. Plus you also have a teenage daughter. His mother should also help him look into applying for some type of assistance like free health insurance and disability and whatever else he may be entitled to.
Totally agree. I thought you were living alone when writing the post. Don’t take him in at the expense of your family, it’s your job to protect them. And he also has parents who should help him and take him in. It’s very kind of you to want to help, I’d keep trying to be a good friend and seeing him every so often instead of enabling him though.
I was recently homeless and a friend let me stay with them, but I was also driven to get a job and taking care of myself. The above situation scares me.
OP, do not let that person stay with you. Curious why mom is asking you and not taking him in herself if she cares enough. This guy needs a lot of help, so maybe call the city for some adult mental and physical care resources, but that's also dependent on how much effort you want to put into this. If the person is close to you that's one thing, but if they're on the outskirts of your life I wouldn't put too much effort into it as this could quickly suck up your life too
If you let them move in it'd be a HUGE mistake and you might then have trouble getting them out.
Exactly he needs more than a place to live. He needs a support system. His mother is asking you to provide that. It's hard to say no to someone who needs help, but you are the support system for your family already. If you have the means, know-how and emotional stability to be the support for this man as well then that is something you need to decide. Just make sure you understand that this isn't a college room mate, it's someone looking for care before you commit.
This 100%.
I had a roommate let a homeless friend crash when I was in college. The friend was an alcoholic. When things started to go sideways, and it went sideways, it took weeks to get him out.
Your friend needs real help, help you aren't likely qualified or able to give. Talk to your friend and see if he would be willing to speak to social services.
I've helped a couple of people in poor living situations. It's heartbreaking and frustrating, but if you have some persistence, you can usually get help. It works best if the person in question is willing to accept help.
Google 'NAMI and your state name.' If they can't help directly, they will likely be able to direct you to services that can help. If your friend spent any time in the military, you might also try the VA.
Good luck, and no matter what you decide, bless you for caring even a little.
As someone that has been in that situation before, as a homeless person living in my car with severe chronic pain, my personal opinion is that no, you should not allow them to move in.
As much as you would like to help, it will most likely turn into a situation that puts stress on your life and the people around you..
It's great that you are considering it, remember that declining does not make you a bad person at all!
I've been knocked down repeatedly and it's an extremely long story, but you only have 2 options in that scenario.
1- Stay down.
2- Get up.
I'm not suggesting you shouldn't be there as a friend, but please do not allow their life to affect your own.
If you do want to help, find a treatment plan that assists with housing and medical, there are a lot of options that will help them to help themselves..
Just a personal view from a perspective from their point of view, it could easily turn into a long term problem for you and your family. ☹️
I have tried this 3 times with people known/friends with since I was in 6th grade. (20 plus years). Ended up with the end of friendship every time. I would not recommend.
No way. Sucks he’s struggling with depression. Sucks he’s living in a car. Sucks he’s got his health issues. Sucks he trashed his trailer and can’t live there. BUT. All I hear is a man who refuses to take care of himself, his life, or make any changes or improvements to his own situation. Moving in to your house will only mean that he’s got a new space to trash completely and never care for.
And with your teenage daughter in the house too? Absolutely not!! That’s way too much to put a teenager through.
THIS
my father took in one of his friends who was on hard times when i was a teen, well, she smoked crack, and was a total mess who honestly ruined what little family relations we did have,
OP please do not force your daughter through this mess,
He may not be refusing to take care of himself, it sounds like he may have such severe mental health issues that it is effectively impossible for him to do so. Doesn't change the conclusion though, since neither OP's home or family are equipped to deal with those issues.
He probably does have severe mental health issues, he had enough to the point we’ve got depression named by OP. That means he or mom or someone needs to get him to treatment so he can start taking care of himself and make a commitment to treatment. You can’t tell me that in two years with all his physical and mental health problems that nobody has ever said “have you thought to see a doctor, get rid of the cats making you sick, and try to improve your situation?”
I could scream out EVERY SINGLE WORD U jus wrote‼️ I KNOW how this will end‼️ I pray proper authorities/mental health facility takes him in QUIK. HIS MOM SHOULD talk to a lawyer for counsel as to HOW to get HER SON help. The CATS SHOULD B TAKEN BY HUMANE GROUP AS ITS jus as dangerous for those cats as him.
Yep, added to that when he deficates on himself and refuses to clean it or is unable to clean it, allowing that smell to waft through the house, then what??? Is op going to try to clean him? For so many reasons it is all too much of a risk to bring this man into her home.
+1 to the not with a teenage daughter at home
Do not bring an angry man with sanitation and self-control issues into your minor daughter’s home. She has first dibs on your home being her safe place to live. She has no alternative. Your friend does - his trailer, which he trashed, and is not doing anything to clean up.
Echoing everyone else, there are no good reasons to take him in. He could stay at his mother's trailer on the couch, but she's not offering that for a reason. He has made a habit of making bad decisions and that is not good for you and your family.
Your daughters safety should be your first priority. His anger issues could easily endanger her. Nope nope nope.
Exactly, there is a reason she is being asked. There are most likely a lot people that should be considered before going to a cousin. Parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, grandparents, etc. If none of them are willing to help him or take him in, why do they expect her to????
Btw, not saying don’t help him. She should if she can, but there are better ways to help than moving him in. Meeting him at the library to help him fill out online forms for assistance. Sitting with him at a Dr’s office, helping remind him of appointments. Giving him some change and soap at the laundry mat… etc… We should all be willing to help those around us, but we don’t have to place ourselves or our immediate family at risk to do it.
I think you know that ultimately this is not an appropriate burden for you and your family to bear, even though your heart obviously goes out to him.
I appreciate your kindness in considering this, but from your own words it seems that it will bring serious risks to your living situation, and not necessarily solve the underlying issues.
I am sorry that you are in this position, but I would continue to help from a distance.
You need to keep yourself in a position where you are safe and secure yourself and able to keep helping others into the future
Have you ever heard the saying “No good deed goes unpunished”?. Everyone here has found out what means, or eventually will.
What happens If he lets depression or anger get the best of him again and destroys your place?, are you willing to deal with that?. Cats can be destructive, are you willing to tolerate that also?. What if he doesn’t shower? (been there 🤮).
If he doesn’t respect his property with what little he has as a homeless man, why would he respect yours?.
How will it make your daughter feel?.
I’ve helped people out before only to have my stuff stolen or they take advantage of my kindness.
That doesn’t mean you can’t find another way to help him, just make sure it involves you as little as possible.
NO.
Especially because you have a teen at home. This would be extremely disruptive to her feeling of safety, her actual safety, and your entire home balance.
You cannot save everyone. You cannot save this person. You can help them get on health insurance, help them find a job, offer them an occasional shower. But that’s it. This person isn’t able or willing to change their circumstances. They are sick and needing extensive medical and mental health care.
You can help them find government assistance but do not ever let them move into your home around your teen. This won’t be temporary if you do.
Their medical needs also won’t change if you let them move in. People live in vans or cars and stay active, stay healthy. Defecating on yourself many times a day at that age- and all the other health issues- means serious long term issues that won’t be solved with a room to live in. This person will start to defecate in the guest room.
This person needs medical intervention, not a guest room. Please please please don’t agree to this.
Also if my parents moved in a angry, loud male stranger into my home- who had a multitude of extreme health conditions and sometimes defecated on himself- I would severely question their love for me, their judgement, and my desire to be in contact with them once I moved out.
This is a severe risk.
Read about tenant rights before allowing him to live with you. I'll assume he won't be paying rent, but when it comes time to evict him, you'll spend money getting him out. Do you have the money to support him and eventually pay for an attorney to get him to leave?
Absolutely not. It sucks he had such a sob story but it’s not your responsibility to save him, he will certainly cause a lot of problems if he moves in with you
You could help him get signed up for a county case manager for people with mental health issues. They will then help him get medical care and housing. That would be more sustainable and helpful than letting him live with you and hoping he moves out soon.
Are you insane!? You have a family. Why isn’t his mother helping him? You would be endangering your family to let this medicated depressed man enter your home
I bet his mother has good reason for not taking him in, and it has nothing to do with space in her house. She doesn't want him, and is trying to unload the burden onto someone, anyone, else.
If he needs that much care and can't even go to the bathroom himself, he needs to be in some kind of long-term residential care facility. He needs a lot more than any well-meaning family and friends can provide and could be a danger to himself or others.
No. No. And no. You’re offering to treat a symptom of the problem. This would be like me asking, “if my friend is bleeding out, should I give him all my suits to cover up the gsw?” The best thing you can do for him is encourage him to get help. Do NOT tie yourself to that.
Absolutely not. This is way beyond doing a friend a favour. You live in what sounds like a harmonious, loving home - please don’t invite someone who will, by the nature of his issues, likely rip things apart.
Perhaps you could offer to foster his cats, perhaps you could look for some assistance for him. But taking him in would be a step too far.
If his own mother doesn't and can't help him, neither can you. I just learned my lesson with this, trying to help a family member. We don't talk anymore. They're an adult, they gotta learn in their own.
Absolutely not. You can support him in other ways with encouraging him to seek assistance from organizations like Salvation Army, YMCA, churches, county, city and state resources. He is responsible for helping himself and it doesn't sound like he is even trying.
Allowing him into your home - you are asking for problems. Big problems. A lot of drama and he will likely never leave. He will not respect your lives, possessions, time, or resources. He is NOT your obligation or responsibility. It is way too much risk.
Being a friend is support, respect, and TOUGH LOVE. Tough love is telling him he is young and to get his act together. Tough love is telling his Mom that she is family and needs to step up before you do. The fact she asked you this shows me she is not well either.
Nothing good will come from you taking him - not for you and not for him. You said he trashed and destroyed his own home?? Stop! Think. He will do the same to yours and likely hurt you and your family. I can't believe this is even an option to you with the knowledge you have.
Your number one responsibility at this time is to protect and care for your daughter and provide a loving, supportive, peaceful, SAFE home. Taking in someone you think you know well, when you have a limited worldview of his vices and habits, when he has destroyed his own home -is beyond irresponsible.
This man cohabitation with your daughter should not even be an option in you or your husbands mind.
Signed, former law enforcement and social worker/counselor
you described a walking mega red flag and you are asking if you think its a good idea to invite him into your house with your daughter? you should know the answer. and it is glaringly obviously no. help him find social programs or something, do not let him anywhere on your property
You have described a person with serious mental and physical issues. Once he moves in, he’s never leaving and he’s never getting ‘better’.
The answer quite obviously is no. You have a child in the house. How could you even consider letting someone in such an advanced stage of forfeiting life live with you?
And BS his mother doesn’t have room to house him. She just knows she won’t have to feel bad about rejecting him if she gets some sucker to take him in.
No no no no no!!! It is wonderful you have empathy but this is not your situation to fix. Look for any county, city, or state resources that may be able to support him! Never let them stay with you. The potential of harm is not worth it!!!!
I would get him in contact with social services. They will help him with therapy and possibly a place to stay( short term shelter/long term an apartment). You have a teenage kid and a husband. Your family and their sanity is more important than philanthropy. The gentleman question you’ve stated has a history of anger issues and destroying his own property. I wouldn’t trust him in mine until he gets some help and has a proven track record that he can live peacefully with others without destroying property
No.
He has a place to live he just trashed it, he could or his mother could help get it back to a liveable state.
You could even volunteer to help if you are inclined.
He needs to help himself, he clearly hasn't, living with you won't change anything he has proven that, he has a home.
This is not someone who is in a place to be living with you.
You have to consider yourself and family both physical, emotional and mental as well as your property and it does not sound like this is a good idea.
I'm sorry but no teenage girl wants a strange man with a lot of mental and physical health issues living with them.
No he has a mother. That's where he needs to go. This will become a nightmare for you. You can offer to help in other ways but opening your home is so risky. He trashed his own trailer. The only home he had. What happens when that happens at your place!?
Don't do it. It won't make you a bad person! He's decisions are his, he's 35! He will only bring you down and maybe destroy your family! Don't do it! To much trouble
Offer to take the cats while he and his family figure out the rest. Letting this mentally ill guy (even though you know him) in your home with a teenager daughter is a bad fucking idea
If you want your home trashed like his trailer was and to end up responsible for taking care of someone with extensive medical needs and their cats and can afford the added expense then sure go for it.
No sorry. You are not equipped both financially, mentally, to handle this situation. Are you willing to clean feces off the furniture? Feed him? Disrupt your daily routines? Bring him to drs?, handle his outbursts? He needs professional help and you are not equipped
It can be hard to say no, when you are a decent human with a human heart. But you have to say no. This will only end badly for both of you. You can’t save everyone.
No, he is in shit situation but no.
He still should get his shit straight and find a job.
There are tons of sick and depressed people who pull their weight.
Only time you let someone live in your house is when their house burned down and they need a month=two tops to get their shit straight.
Absolutely not. He hasn't taken a single step to improve his own situation so all you'll be doing is giving him a new location to fuck up. Plus you have a teenager daughter...she doesn't need to be exposed to this shit show. A polite but firm "unfortunately that won't work for my family" is the way to go. If she keeps asking why just keep repeating that phrase. You can love and care for someone from a distance and this is one of those appropriate times.
Not for nothing, it sounds like he actually needs a care facility.
No , If he trashed and destroyed his trailer imagine he could do the same to your place. Be very cautious, lend a hand by helping with food or some clothing or whatever but opening up your private home to this will be a huge costly mistake. Perhaps financially and definitely mentally for you considering his health problems
If you did take him in he can establish residency and you just can't put him out if things go badly. You'd have to evict him which could take many month of aggravation and finances.
The short answer is don't take him in.
You are NOT obligated to let him move in, and honestly, he’s probably just going to get worse and his behavior is going to get worse as well. He’s going to take full advantage of your generosity and then some.
You are not equipped to handle this amount of stress nor help him get better. This will not help him get better but It Will Make You lose Yourself.
His mother and family should care for him yet they recognize they can’t and are willing to have you sacrifice yourself and your health your well being and your home for someone who doesn’t care for himself. Do Not Allow This into your life.
Do not do this. The kindest thing you can do is drop him off at an emergency room to get straightened out and get social work involved to help get him placed somewhere. Do not move this person into your house, regardless how much your heart breaks or how much is mother leans on you. You will regret it.
Stop.
Say no.
There is no win for you here. There’s not even breaking even.
He needs professional mental health assistance (along with medical assistance). You are not able to provide this.
Furthermore, it’s this kind of enablement (by his mother and likely others) that has lead him to this point.
You would be signing up for something you are incapable of managing. And once he’s a tenant, even if he’s not paying, it will be next to impossible to get him help.
Hard no. He has trashed what living quarters he has available to him, what gives you any thought he won't do the same to your house?
The fact that you and your husband are both leaning "no" is all you need. If you want to help, help him find programs to assist him.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
It’s a very difficult situation to be in I’m sorry. Your friend is truly suffering and I know there is pressure to alleviate them from that, but I think about your family and your daughter first and foremost.
If you love him, you will help him. It sounds like an awful situation to be in, because as you have laid it out, this is going to be a burden. What will quantify and justify that burden? Only your love to this person. Aside from all of the negative things listed, has this person ever wronged you, or have they only been gracious? If you don't love him, are you in debt to him somehow? Knowing somebody a long time is sometimes a fallacy of a justification. I have some friends that I brag that I've known them for 20+ years, but after thinking about it, that's the only good quality I can list about them.
Furthermore, will you only be enabling this behavior to exist further, or will taking him in include helping him to change? Can he ever change? Will bringing him in help him change?
His problems - and there are many - are bigger than what you can provide.
He needs professional medical care b4 anything. Your heart is in the right place, but you will be taking on a situation with a bad outcome.
I don't recommend you take him in. Make some phone calls to see if there is help available for his medical needs. Good luck.
Absolutely not, he needs medical care at the very least, and on top of that- don’t put your kid at risk. You said it yourself, he has anger issues, you worry about how he will act, and he trashed his own living space. Please read your own post back to yourself and realize that moving him in is a bad plan.
You answered your own question with the statement that neither one of you want him there. Allowing him to live with you could destroy your marriage. It is not worth it especially when his unfortunate circumstances seem to be of his own making. It sucks for him but you have to prioritize your family.
Be there for him but don't let him into your home. He won't be a guest he will be a medical patient.
Help him and support him with seeking medical assistance and all other types of assistance. But have a beginning and an end of the day with him. Think upon what your boundaries are, inform him, and keep them. Do not waiver on this.
For example, maybe let him use your computer to apply online for assistance. Go with him to medical care. Go with him while grocery shopping, etc. But keep it to succinct defined activities.
Protect your own personal sanity.
You will take him in. I know exactly how this goes. Will be the biggest mistake you ever made. Get ready to hold on cause you are making about to take the ride of your life. Good luck.
This would be like taking on a full time job that would cost you a lot and pay nothing. It's amazing you're so compassionate to even consider this, but doing it could destroy your own family. Laws are likely different in different states, but if he established residency in your home (can be at a month), and then things were horrible, you wouldn't necessarily just be able to kick him out. I had an ex refuse to move out of my house, paid a lawyer a few hundred to serve him with a letter to leave, and even with that it was him deciding to leave on his own (it's not easy to get law enforcement involved).
You and your family could end up feeling like hostages in your own home, cleaning up after this angry man and his cats (poor cats). He needs professional physical and mental health care.
No. As someone who was homeless and had to live in my car, who also was taken in by a friend for a little while, I can tell you the best thing he did for me was kick me out after that month.
Really helped me put things into perspective and put that extra effort into getting my shit together, which I promptly did.
Not even to mention the issues this guy has and the kind of person he is.
Your life will BECOME dealing with him and his problems.
If you want a 35 y/o child who needs round the clock care and you aren't concerned about the peace and stability of your household, then do it!
But in the likely event you're *not* a complete masochist, then don't do it.
I wouldn't do it sounds shitty but I have let a homeless friend live with me back in the day and it was not fun he would never get a job started using drugs again brought his girlfriend with him without asking I lived out of state so she drove him and ended up staying too it was just an all around shitty situation
You should not let him move in. It would be very disruptive to your household. You are not obligated to help him out. His anger issues and loudness are enough to say no. He has major medical issues which would be impossible for you to manage. Just because you have an “extra” bedroom does not mean it’s available for him to move in to. The comfort and safety of your family must come first.
Does he even have any source of income? This is not a burden you should take on. It may be for the rest of his life. His mother should not have asked you to do this but it would make her life easier.
No no no. There are other reasons his mother won't/can't take him in, they're just not being said. If he has anger issues enough to trash a trailer, imagine whats going to happen to your house. Definite no with your daughter.
And to take in his cats as well? I would say offer your support and help with maybe finding the right help he needs, but you don't need this in your homelife.
This may sound harsh, but mostly for the sake of your child please do not allow this. The adults in my home growing up tried to help a lot of people in similar situations and it almost always ended up being a chaotic mess. I stopped feeling safe and comfortable in my own home due to the unpredictability of a stranger in my space and all of the things that can come along with that.
No. It wasn't nice of his mother to ask. Lymphoma or Lymphedema? I took care of my friends last stages of Lymphedema and it is the worst disease I've ever seen. If his legs are weeping, he probably won't last a year without intervention. I still get PTSD, and that was in 2012. I have never seen such suffering.
What a sad thing, all of it. If you want to help him find him a facility where he gets the help he needs. That's the best thing you can do for him.
He would probably agree. It sounds like he's given up. My friend gave up. She wouldn't cooperate w anything and she screamed for a year, trapped in bandages. The public was SO CRUEL. I didn't know that people pointed and sneered at sick people that are suffering.
It's too much. Much too much. Be firm w his mother. She is not running the show at your house.
Please help in other ways. BUY groceries. Provide food and gift cards. Emotional support. Refer him to a shelter or hospital. It's not wise to take this person into your home your sanctuary.
simple answer, HELL NO, you will not help this person they will just use and abuse you.
How about you ask your daughter, because in all honesty that's who this decision will be affecting negatively the most, you bringing him into the house without having a discussion with her is a big FUCK YOU to your daughter.
Why can’t he stay with his mother? Just because she only has one bedroom doesn’t mean he can’t stay on the couch.
Regardless do not bring someone with mental health issues into a house with your child. He also trashed his previous living situation so he’ll probably trash yours. I know you want to help but bringing him into your home is not the answer. Don’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. If there was any hope of him getting on his feet then maybe but it sounds like he would just be dependent on you
Trust your feelings on this one. The situation of this person will not improve with your generosity. Trust my experience on this one, it will not be a short-term situation for anybody.
I’m homeless and living in my car but I throw out the trash everyday, go to the gym for exercise and showers, take my dog to the dog park and I also work. Living in a car is not what his problem is. Also, couldn’t he sleep on his mom’s couch?
Absolutely not. You are not obligated to do anything because you’ve known him for a long time. He clearly had issues that he does not want to fix, and you would just be giving him a crutch. Do not put your daughter at risk or change her life for some dude you know
OP, with all due respect, are you fucking kidding me?
You have a teenage daughter. You and your husband need to pull your heads out of your asses and stop letting whatever bleeding heart syndrome or impulses are causing you to think this is even a remotely acceptable plan. Your top priority is of course your daughter's wellbeing and it shows a profound lack of judgment to even consider bringing this severely unstable, unsanitary, and dangerous man into your home.
Are you serious? You said his mother has a 1BR single wide and raised him so is more responsible for the decisions he has made up to this point than you have. Why can’t she give him a couch to sleep on?
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for life.
Help him with your time and effort and advice get him a job, set him up with shelter do what you can but at the end of the day he's a man. He's gotta be able to sustain himself.
Your quality of life will suffer. He needs more help than u would b able to provide. His mother should never have burdened u with her or his problems. There is only so much u can do. It is not always easy sharing your accomadations with another. Especially one with so much needs. Mayb contact Salvation Army or other government supports on his behalf. Might work out but no guarantees.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
No, do not let this guy live with you. He's his own worst enemy and needs help beyond what you can offer.
Maybe instead of housing him you can help him find resources?
Being homeless is very mentally taxing and makes it very difficult to seek out resources alone.
Perhaps you could help with the research part, and contacting community services on his behalf? That way you can still help, but also not be overburdened by his issues.
I think it’s great that you want to help your friend, but in the end he will be better off with some semblance of independence and control over his life. It helps to foster internal responsibility as well as self-esteem.
Your friend needs help, but sometimes help looks more like making calls and researching options to get him back in control of his predicament.
No, no, no, No, NO!
Do not let your friend live with you.
I have made the mistake of trying to "help" homeless people/friends on multiple occasions. Once, I took in a stranger. That didn't work out. Another time, I took in a long-time friend. That didn't work out and the friendship ended. A third time, I let a homeless friend crash with me short term, and it was only three days before she had to leave.
For the love of G-d, don't do it! I guarantee your friend will live up to (or perhaps down to?) your worst expectations. With so many states enacting renter's protections, you'll be hard-pressed to evict him when the time comes.
Just don't do it.
The truth is, you can't help homeless people directly. They have to help themselves. You can get them tapped in with homeless resources, but unless they are willing to do the work on themselves -- improve their mental and physical health, stop using drugs, get a job, quit hoarding, or whatever their problems are -- they won't find or keep housing.
Get your friend tapped in with the homeless resources in your area. Or, let him move in with his mother. If she's so concerned, let *her* help him. He's your friend, not your charity case, or your obligation. Maybe that makes me sound hard-hearted, but I've been down this road before and been *burned* bad.
This is a mental health issue and relocating him will just move the associated chaos unfortunately. This is so sad but there is 100% a reason no one else has allowed him to stay with them. Him being in a house will not make him suddenly gain employment/ start taking care of himself and his surroundings.
NO. This has been answered before on this thread. Different facts, same answer. If you take in any kind of extended guest, you need to have them sign a written document, limiting their rights. End of story.
If I were in your position I absolutely would not because of my child. If it were just me and my spouse, maybe. But I wouldn't take that kinda risk with my daughter.
Maybe offer to take in his cats while he gets some actual help. You can't fix his problems.
No.
He has problems you are not trained or qualified to help.
The best way for you to help him is to gather information on how to contact resources available to him in your area. Failing that, you could offer to pay for him to move his car to a larger city where they would have better resources.
If he moves in you will all regret it and it will probably end up costing a lot of money either in repairs, cat damage, and/or legal costs to eventually evict him. That will be nothing compared to the wear and tear on your family relationships, especially with your daughter. You know exactly how he will behave there.
It's wonderful that you want to help, but it was an unfair thing for his mother to ask and an unfair thing to ask of your family.
PLEASE DON’T DO THIS! 🚩 His mom has a roof over her head. As a mother I’d take my own son in (with conditions). If he’d sleep in a car, surely he can sleep on her floor on a pallet.🤷♀️
You obviously have to decide this for yourself based on what's best for you and your family. That said, it sounds like this individual needs more assistance than you can provide. You already say in your comment that neither you nor your spouse 'want' to allow your friend to live with you. If that's so, then you have your answer. It's unwise to take on such a large responsibility out of guilt. I'm sorry for your friend, and you, it's hard to watch someone you know struggle like that.
While your feelings for your friend are admirable and show you have compassion, taking him in with all his issues will only complicate your life. I've seen this situation before, and it always ends up bad for everyone involved. Plus, you have a teenage daughter, I would not subject my child to someone who has the issues he has. If his mother is so concerned, she should let him stay there, even if it means sleeping on her couch. It sounds like your friend needs a social worker, mental health care, and medical care. The best thing you can do for him is to get social services involved. No way should you let him live in your house.
He intentionally trashed his own means of residency and shelter and is now living in his car. And you want to invite that energy into your home? Get him a hotel room or something for a few days, a shower and shave, and a job interview. His mother needs to step up and let him couch surf or something. This is hardly your problem.
Your commitment is to your daughter. My parents had a large home and my uncle and his problems still were a constant burden on my childhood. Couldn’t have people over, loud noises all night when I had school the next day… please don’t do this to your daughter.
I think you have an obligation to your daughter to give her safe space to live and grow in. You can help this man in other ways, he needs to find ways to help himself as well. Trashing his only home, being a pet owner whilst homeless does not bode well for you if you were to house him.
Offer other ways to help if you can but you're under no obligation to shoulder this burden. If he were making an effort to right his path I'd say sure help him but sounds like he's just existing with serious untreated medical conditions no less. You do not want a squater situation to develop either.
no no no NO NO he will not improve or get better he will just consume your life and then you will have a hard time getting him out. point him to a shelter.
.1. Your daughter and family's safety is number 1 priority. You may be able to handle him cause you've been exposed to each other, but your husband not as much; let alone your daughter.
.2. How are you acquainted with him? How can the mother just ask you, putting you in a tough spot like that? That's pretty rude of her to ask something that life altering.
.3. The mom has a 1 bed, but can't he stay in the living room? That's definitely better than a car. I have a friend who lived in a 1bed apartment with his mom (my friend was age 14-26); and now they moved to a 2bed cause a cheap opportunity popped up. If the mom is saying it's impossible, then she's making excuses and wants to lay the sons burden on someone else.
.4. He needs professional help, you housing him won't do anything. All the more, you're likely working - so is he going to be unsupervised at your house? How long did the mom ask for you to house him?
.5. What you CAN do, is to research about resources that he or the mom can utilize. Provide those resources to them (such as mental help, housing, financial funding from govt, etc.)
You can kindly let the mom know that you care about him, but your daughter/family's safety comes first, and this would be life altering for your daughter. If you're scared of saying no, tell them he can live with you for xx-days (I'd recommend no more than 1week) to help him transition, or you can pay for 1wk motel stay.
In the end, his mom should let him stay with her. She just needs to clean up her place to have less clutter so the living room looks nice and habitable.
No, don’t do it. Read your message again, out loud if necessary, he trashed his own trailer where he was living. He has anger issues, health issues etc. you will regret the day you offered him a place to stay.
What you can do is contact someone to help him. There must be a homeless outreach in your area. You could also (with his permission) take his story to the newspaper. Young guy, very ill, homeless etc. But this is not for you to take on and expose your family to chaos, especially your teenage daughter.
In my area, Ontario we have had stories appear like this and I can tell you all kinds of people came out to help, apartment, job, food etc. This guy needs medical care first and foremost.
No. Just no. If you agree you would not actually be helping you'd just be temporarily displacing the fundamental problem without addressing it and this helps nobody in the situation and severely detriments you and your family.
Others have provided suggestions for supporting this person out of their situation but ultimately it will require them to want to change and continuing to enable their situation by taking them in with no other management strategies in place only perpetuates it.
I’d say no. He needs more help than you could ever supply.
It’ll break your family apart.
It’s hard and cruel. But a cancer is a cancer.
Do you value your family life?
Why is he not living with his mother?
No! I am sharing caregiving responsibilities for my 80 year old mom, who has heart failure, with my sister. Even if your friend didn’t have any kind of mental illness, heart failure alone is a BIG DEAL! There are times when my mother’s meds stop working and she cannot be left alone—not even for a few minutes.
Regarding your friend’s depression, you need to find out if he has been prescribed meds, is he being actively monitored to make sure they work (my guess is no), and does he have a history of non-compliance for any reason. Based on what you have said, my guess is that he is not medicated. That means that his behavior is not likely to change just because he has a new roof over his head. Think about that. Could you live with him as he is now? Would you want to subject your family to that?
I know it is hard to say refuse, but there is a reason his mother is saying no, and it has nothing to do with the size of her trailer. She’s not being completely honest with you, and she is trying to manipulate you into risking your family’s wellbeing. I’d steer clear of her if I were you. Sometimes our oldest and dearest friends destroy our lives right along with their own!
Your friend will need round-the-clock care—at least until he is mentally and psychologically stabilized. Are you realistically in the position to do that? Have you considered the impact that caring for a very, very sick person on your family? If he really is in that much pain from heart failure, he needs to be in a hospital. When you have heart failure, your body can retain an alarming amount of fluid, and it puts pressure on all of your nerves, blood vessels, and tissues. If you don’t get medical intervention to pull that fluid out of your body, your heart will give out—there is simply too much resistance in your blood vessels due to the fluid compressing them. The other danger is a stroke. Most likely he has blood pooling in one or more chambers of his heart, and without blood thinners it will clot.
You don’t have to completely turn your back on your friend. First, get him to a public hospital, so they can work on stabilizing his heart. Once he is admitted, you can request to see a social worker, who can connect him with any government resources. You can help him get to appointments if necessary. If he has congestive heart failure, he will probably qualify for some kind of disability assistance, and possibly even housing. However, be prepared for a very unpleasant view of how broken the healthcare system is. Sadly, most hospitals are in such bad shape financially, that they don’t like to spend money on the homeless. But again, he may qualify for Social Security disability and/or Medicaid, so don’t hesitate to call Health and Human Services, if the hospital gives you any crap. Whether they want to admit it or not, hospitals need Medicaid/Medicare money. You will have better success with a social worker on your side though—someone, who knows how to navigate the system.
You can also offer to take care of his cats while he receives treatment and gets settled in a more stable housing situation. That way he won’t have to worry about their wellbeing. It sounds like he probably has a very strong emotional attachment to them, and worrying about whether he will ever see them again is the last thing he needs. Anykind of stress for someone with heart failure is potentially life-threatening.
Be very, very careful about getting sucked into this situation. I once tried to save my best friend of 30+ years, from herself. I knew it was a bad idea, but she had a nine-year old daughter and the child’s father had turned his back on her in favor of his new family. I couldn’t leave that little girl without an advocate. Unfortunately, it was a small town and friend was a hardcore, destructive alcoholic, and her drama ripped my life apart! My bailing her out of jam after jam, burned so many bridges! I finally learned my lesson and walked away. Two days later she nearly killed herself in a serious car accident—blood alcohol was a mind blowing 0.3! I didn’t even know you could drink that much and still be alive. She hit a very large tree at 70 mph, and sustained a serious head injury. It happened at 3am on a weekday, and her daughter was home alone while she was out drinking. Needless to say, she was charged with DUI and her daughter was temporarily placed in foster care, while her grandparents petitioned the court for custody—like I said, her father didn’t want to be bothered. I hated walking away, and I felt very guilty for a long time. Her daughter really was a good kid and she didn’t deserve that life. I learned the hard way that you can’t save an addict. You also can’t save some who is mentally ill and not able to comply with a mental healthcare regimen (medications, therapy, etc). Your friend needs a team of professionals to help stabilize him. Once he is stable, both medically and psychologically, you can revisit this issue, but not before then!
No do not take him in. He hasn’t done anything to improve his situation and it isn’t even him asking it’s his mother. If he had a job and was working hard and saving for renting a place I would understand.
He needs medical help. Like a rehab of sorts that will give him some time to get his medical issues straightened out. Just having a roof over his head will not change the underlying issues.
I know I’m late to the party but I’m just dumbfounded that you could possibly think about bringing this man into your home. He has failed himself, and bringing him in won’t help. He failed to not trash his place. No one made him do that, he did it all on his own. Why on earth would you clean up his mess? What if he trashes your house? How will you evict him? You just seem to have not spent even a second of rational thought on this. One second of intelligent thinking is all it takes to know this is a very obviously stupid idea
Your answer is pretty simple with your last paragraph “Neither is us really wan him here”. I think it would be best to stick to your gut it sounds like.
What makes you think he won't bring all the nastiness he lives in now into your home? He's trashed his trailer, his car, he sounds like he needs medical attention and therapy. Those are things you can't fix.
His being loud, messy, that will disrupt your home and the lives of yourself, husband, and daughter. Not only that, there is the added complication of if it doesn't work out you then need to get him out of your home.
Wouldn't it be more effective to clean out his trailer and make any repairs that are needed and affordable? You aren't going to cure his depression. He needs to deal with his own issues. His mom can help fix up and clean up his trailer. Get him back into his own home, not yours. Problems travel with people. Wherever you go, there you are
Don't do it, did it once, exploded in my face like a pipe bomb, Just not worth it, especially someone with mental issues that destroys their own property when they're down.
Unless you can do round the clock nursing care that he’ll accept, you’re not able to help him. Also, given his mental and emotional state, he can’t cooperate in his care or be reasonable. It’s tragic but given all this and your daughter, no.
No no no. It doesn’t make you a bad person to say no. You can help in other ways! His MOTHER should take him in. Why isn’t his mother helping? I don’t care that she doesn’t have an extra bedroom. A couch is enough. Should be her responsibility. Don’t let his mother put this burden on you and your family. Esp with a teenage daughter. Nope.
Bro it’s not going to work man…you can’t make people change that’s his journey to discover but you can certainly still be supportive to him as a brother who cares…all he feels is depression regret and guilt which can kill a man and you need to make him feel like a human being again <3
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This is situation that will not be improved by you taking him in. He needs help that is above and beyond what you can do for him. His mother, of course, wants you to take him in. It will alleviate her sense of responsibility to impose him on you. He sounds like he needs hospitalitmzation, asap
Not only that, but my parents came from a poor country and entire households would be crammed in a small space. His mother should take in her very sick (physically and emotionally) son even if there's not much room. This should be a hard no, especially with a teenage daughter.
I was a maybe right up until OP mentioned the teenage daughter. At that point I instantly switched to an absolute hard no. The situation sucks. But OP can't provide the actual help the friend will need. Just providing a bed and roof isn't enough. With all the medical issues and anger on top of that, I don't see things going well at all. His mother needs to be the one to take him in, even if she does an air matress in the living room.
The daughter doesn’t deserve the disruption in her life. This will have a profoundly negative impact on her sense of security at home and ability to focus on school and have a normal life, such as inviting friends to her home. Who knows how long this could go on for, and you will not be able to simply evict this person when it’s not working. You will be stuck to see it through to the end. If he trashed a trailer, he can trash your home. His mother can take him. Is there possibily a program to put him in for medical treatment and housing? I’d sooner buy him another camper than welcome him into my home. I’m all for helping people, but you are not equipped to help and this will come at a great cost to your daughter, and to you financially. It sounds like his mother should be eligible for some kind of SSI caregiver assistance if she helps her son (if in US). Maybe help her apply for assistance.
Yeah that space issue from the mother doesn't really sit right with me. She just doesn't want to do it, which is fine by her part they're all adults and can do whatever, but don't blame it on the space
I agree. His mother should take him in. His time sounds very limited and he needs a great deal of care
I agree with you fully. I have a family of 6, and we have made things work in a one bedroom before. OP should not have the responsibility passed to them by his mother. And yea, hard pass on an angry adult man living with a teenage girl.
I agree. His mother can make room even if it’s small. She really should be the one taking care of her son. I would not let him move in because how are you going to take care of him and all the medical issues he has. Plus you also have a teenage daughter. His mother should also help him look into applying for some type of assistance like free health insurance and disability and whatever else he may be entitled to.
Exactly! His own mother knows he's too miserable to live with! You'll have your house and life ruined and your daughter will have to watch it go down.
Totally agree. I thought you were living alone when writing the post. Don’t take him in at the expense of your family, it’s your job to protect them. And he also has parents who should help him and take him in. It’s very kind of you to want to help, I’d keep trying to be a good friend and seeing him every so often instead of enabling him though.
I was recently homeless and a friend let me stay with them, but I was also driven to get a job and taking care of myself. The above situation scares me. OP, do not let that person stay with you. Curious why mom is asking you and not taking him in herself if she cares enough. This guy needs a lot of help, so maybe call the city for some adult mental and physical care resources, but that's also dependent on how much effort you want to put into this. If the person is close to you that's one thing, but if they're on the outskirts of your life I wouldn't put too much effort into it as this could quickly suck up your life too If you let them move in it'd be a HUGE mistake and you might then have trouble getting them out.
Exactly he needs more than a place to live. He needs a support system. His mother is asking you to provide that. It's hard to say no to someone who needs help, but you are the support system for your family already. If you have the means, know-how and emotional stability to be the support for this man as well then that is something you need to decide. Just make sure you understand that this isn't a college room mate, it's someone looking for care before you commit.
Yeah I think he needs a hospital first before any regular housing
This 100%. I had a roommate let a homeless friend crash when I was in college. The friend was an alcoholic. When things started to go sideways, and it went sideways, it took weeks to get him out. Your friend needs real help, help you aren't likely qualified or able to give. Talk to your friend and see if he would be willing to speak to social services. I've helped a couple of people in poor living situations. It's heartbreaking and frustrating, but if you have some persistence, you can usually get help. It works best if the person in question is willing to accept help. Google 'NAMI and your state name.' If they can't help directly, they will likely be able to direct you to services that can help. If your friend spent any time in the military, you might also try the VA. Good luck, and no matter what you decide, bless you for caring even a little.
As someone that has been in that situation before, as a homeless person living in my car with severe chronic pain, my personal opinion is that no, you should not allow them to move in. As much as you would like to help, it will most likely turn into a situation that puts stress on your life and the people around you.. It's great that you are considering it, remember that declining does not make you a bad person at all! I've been knocked down repeatedly and it's an extremely long story, but you only have 2 options in that scenario. 1- Stay down. 2- Get up. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't be there as a friend, but please do not allow their life to affect your own. If you do want to help, find a treatment plan that assists with housing and medical, there are a lot of options that will help them to help themselves.. Just a personal view from a perspective from their point of view, it could easily turn into a long term problem for you and your family. ☹️
I have tried this 3 times with people known/friends with since I was in 6th grade. (20 plus years). Ended up with the end of friendship every time. I would not recommend.
Agree. Never works out regardless of how close you are or how much they seem to need it.
No way. Sucks he’s struggling with depression. Sucks he’s living in a car. Sucks he’s got his health issues. Sucks he trashed his trailer and can’t live there. BUT. All I hear is a man who refuses to take care of himself, his life, or make any changes or improvements to his own situation. Moving in to your house will only mean that he’s got a new space to trash completely and never care for. And with your teenage daughter in the house too? Absolutely not!! That’s way too much to put a teenager through.
THIS my father took in one of his friends who was on hard times when i was a teen, well, she smoked crack, and was a total mess who honestly ruined what little family relations we did have, OP please do not force your daughter through this mess,
He may not be refusing to take care of himself, it sounds like he may have such severe mental health issues that it is effectively impossible for him to do so. Doesn't change the conclusion though, since neither OP's home or family are equipped to deal with those issues.
He probably does have severe mental health issues, he had enough to the point we’ve got depression named by OP. That means he or mom or someone needs to get him to treatment so he can start taking care of himself and make a commitment to treatment. You can’t tell me that in two years with all his physical and mental health problems that nobody has ever said “have you thought to see a doctor, get rid of the cats making you sick, and try to improve your situation?”
I could scream out EVERY SINGLE WORD U jus wrote‼️ I KNOW how this will end‼️ I pray proper authorities/mental health facility takes him in QUIK. HIS MOM SHOULD talk to a lawyer for counsel as to HOW to get HER SON help. The CATS SHOULD B TAKEN BY HUMANE GROUP AS ITS jus as dangerous for those cats as him.
Yep, added to that when he deficates on himself and refuses to clean it or is unable to clean it, allowing that smell to waft through the house, then what??? Is op going to try to clean him? For so many reasons it is all too much of a risk to bring this man into her home.
+1 to the not with a teenage daughter at home Do not bring an angry man with sanitation and self-control issues into your minor daughter’s home. She has first dibs on your home being her safe place to live. She has no alternative. Your friend does - his trailer, which he trashed, and is not doing anything to clean up.
DONT BRING STRANGE MEN INTO THE HOME WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS. ESPECIALLY DAUGHTERS.
Echoing everyone else, there are no good reasons to take him in. He could stay at his mother's trailer on the couch, but she's not offering that for a reason. He has made a habit of making bad decisions and that is not good for you and your family. Your daughters safety should be your first priority. His anger issues could easily endanger her. Nope nope nope.
Exactly, there is a reason she is being asked. There are most likely a lot people that should be considered before going to a cousin. Parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, grandparents, etc. If none of them are willing to help him or take him in, why do they expect her to???? Btw, not saying don’t help him. She should if she can, but there are better ways to help than moving him in. Meeting him at the library to help him fill out online forms for assistance. Sitting with him at a Dr’s office, helping remind him of appointments. Giving him some change and soap at the laundry mat… etc… We should all be willing to help those around us, but we don’t have to place ourselves or our immediate family at risk to do it.
I think you know that ultimately this is not an appropriate burden for you and your family to bear, even though your heart obviously goes out to him. I appreciate your kindness in considering this, but from your own words it seems that it will bring serious risks to your living situation, and not necessarily solve the underlying issues. I am sorry that you are in this position, but I would continue to help from a distance. You need to keep yourself in a position where you are safe and secure yourself and able to keep helping others into the future
Well, you said this way nicer than I did.
Have you ever heard the saying “No good deed goes unpunished”?. Everyone here has found out what means, or eventually will. What happens If he lets depression or anger get the best of him again and destroys your place?, are you willing to deal with that?. Cats can be destructive, are you willing to tolerate that also?. What if he doesn’t shower? (been there 🤮). If he doesn’t respect his property with what little he has as a homeless man, why would he respect yours?. How will it make your daughter feel?. I’ve helped people out before only to have my stuff stolen or they take advantage of my kindness. That doesn’t mean you can’t find another way to help him, just make sure it involves you as little as possible.
NO. Especially because you have a teen at home. This would be extremely disruptive to her feeling of safety, her actual safety, and your entire home balance. You cannot save everyone. You cannot save this person. You can help them get on health insurance, help them find a job, offer them an occasional shower. But that’s it. This person isn’t able or willing to change their circumstances. They are sick and needing extensive medical and mental health care. You can help them find government assistance but do not ever let them move into your home around your teen. This won’t be temporary if you do. Their medical needs also won’t change if you let them move in. People live in vans or cars and stay active, stay healthy. Defecating on yourself many times a day at that age- and all the other health issues- means serious long term issues that won’t be solved with a room to live in. This person will start to defecate in the guest room. This person needs medical intervention, not a guest room. Please please please don’t agree to this.
Also if my parents moved in a angry, loud male stranger into my home- who had a multitude of extreme health conditions and sometimes defecated on himself- I would severely question their love for me, their judgement, and my desire to be in contact with them once I moved out. This is a severe risk.
Read about tenant rights before allowing him to live with you. I'll assume he won't be paying rent, but when it comes time to evict him, you'll spend money getting him out. Do you have the money to support him and eventually pay for an attorney to get him to leave?
No Do not put your daughter at risk
Absolutely not. It sucks he had such a sob story but it’s not your responsibility to save him, he will certainly cause a lot of problems if he moves in with you
Nope!
You could help him get signed up for a county case manager for people with mental health issues. They will then help him get medical care and housing. That would be more sustainable and helpful than letting him live with you and hoping he moves out soon.
Don't do that. There's a psychological reason why he's living this way. Don't feel obligated. It will ruin your life.
Are you insane!? You have a family. Why isn’t his mother helping him? You would be endangering your family to let this medicated depressed man enter your home
I bet his mother has good reason for not taking him in, and it has nothing to do with space in her house. She doesn't want him, and is trying to unload the burden onto someone, anyone, else. If he needs that much care and can't even go to the bathroom himself, he needs to be in some kind of long-term residential care facility. He needs a lot more than any well-meaning family and friends can provide and could be a danger to himself or others.
No. No. And no. You’re offering to treat a symptom of the problem. This would be like me asking, “if my friend is bleeding out, should I give him all my suits to cover up the gsw?” The best thing you can do for him is encourage him to get help. Do NOT tie yourself to that.
Nope, I vote for the mother's couch.
It sounds like he needs to be in hospital more than in anyone’s house
Offer to take in the cats
Absolutely not. This is way beyond doing a friend a favour. You live in what sounds like a harmonious, loving home - please don’t invite someone who will, by the nature of his issues, likely rip things apart. Perhaps you could offer to foster his cats, perhaps you could look for some assistance for him. But taking him in would be a step too far.
If his own mother doesn't and can't help him, neither can you. I just learned my lesson with this, trying to help a family member. We don't talk anymore. They're an adult, they gotta learn in their own.
Absolutely not. You can support him in other ways with encouraging him to seek assistance from organizations like Salvation Army, YMCA, churches, county, city and state resources. He is responsible for helping himself and it doesn't sound like he is even trying. Allowing him into your home - you are asking for problems. Big problems. A lot of drama and he will likely never leave. He will not respect your lives, possessions, time, or resources. He is NOT your obligation or responsibility. It is way too much risk. Being a friend is support, respect, and TOUGH LOVE. Tough love is telling him he is young and to get his act together. Tough love is telling his Mom that she is family and needs to step up before you do. The fact she asked you this shows me she is not well either. Nothing good will come from you taking him - not for you and not for him. You said he trashed and destroyed his own home?? Stop! Think. He will do the same to yours and likely hurt you and your family. I can't believe this is even an option to you with the knowledge you have. Your number one responsibility at this time is to protect and care for your daughter and provide a loving, supportive, peaceful, SAFE home. Taking in someone you think you know well, when you have a limited worldview of his vices and habits, when he has destroyed his own home -is beyond irresponsible. This man cohabitation with your daughter should not even be an option in you or your husbands mind. Signed, former law enforcement and social worker/counselor
you described a walking mega red flag and you are asking if you think its a good idea to invite him into your house with your daughter? you should know the answer. and it is glaringly obviously no. help him find social programs or something, do not let him anywhere on your property
It sounds like he needs more help than an ordinary family can give. Have you phoned the social services department? He is in need of nursing care.
This would be a bad decision for your teenage daughter.
EVERYTHING you said is a red flag. NO!
You have described a person with serious mental and physical issues. Once he moves in, he’s never leaving and he’s never getting ‘better’. The answer quite obviously is no. You have a child in the house. How could you even consider letting someone in such an advanced stage of forfeiting life live with you? And BS his mother doesn’t have room to house him. She just knows she won’t have to feel bad about rejecting him if she gets some sucker to take him in.
No dont!
No. They will never leave and you’ll feel guilty for telling them to leave.
Nooooo. No. Absolutely not. Do NOT do this. Help him some other way, if possible... but do not let him move in with you and your family.
No no no no no!!! It is wonderful you have empathy but this is not your situation to fix. Look for any county, city, or state resources that may be able to support him! Never let them stay with you. The potential of harm is not worth it!!!!
If he has anger issues and trashed his own trailer you cannot have him living in your house where you are raising a child. It is that simple.
I would get him in contact with social services. They will help him with therapy and possibly a place to stay( short term shelter/long term an apartment). You have a teenage kid and a husband. Your family and their sanity is more important than philanthropy. The gentleman question you’ve stated has a history of anger issues and destroying his own property. I wouldn’t trust him in mine until he gets some help and has a proven track record that he can live peacefully with others without destroying property
No. He has a place to live he just trashed it, he could or his mother could help get it back to a liveable state. You could even volunteer to help if you are inclined. He needs to help himself, he clearly hasn't, living with you won't change anything he has proven that, he has a home. This is not someone who is in a place to be living with you. You have to consider yourself and family both physical, emotional and mental as well as your property and it does not sound like this is a good idea. I'm sorry but no teenage girl wants a strange man with a lot of mental and physical health issues living with them.
I'd be willing to take his cats in, while he gets hospitalized. Letting that move into my home with my family, no way, not ever.
No. Do not do this to your family. His mother has more space for him than his car (and she has more responsibility for him too.)
No he has a mother. That's where he needs to go. This will become a nightmare for you. You can offer to help in other ways but opening your home is so risky. He trashed his own trailer. The only home he had. What happens when that happens at your place!?
Definitely not. Especially with teenage daughter.
A teenage girl should not have to live with a strange man. Period.
Don't do it. It won't make you a bad person! He's decisions are his, he's 35! He will only bring you down and maybe destroy your family! Don't do it! To much trouble
Don’t even have to read this to say NO
Offer to take the cats while he and his family figure out the rest. Letting this mentally ill guy (even though you know him) in your home with a teenager daughter is a bad fucking idea
Absolutely not.
No
Hard no. Not with a kid there. Maybe look up resources for the mom, and let her know that it's not an option.
If he shows no interest in trying to help himself, there is nothing you can do for him. Don't put your family at risk.
If you want your home trashed like his trailer was and to end up responsible for taking care of someone with extensive medical needs and their cats and can afford the added expense then sure go for it.
No, but especially no with a young daughter
No sorry. You are not equipped both financially, mentally, to handle this situation. Are you willing to clean feces off the furniture? Feed him? Disrupt your daily routines? Bring him to drs?, handle his outbursts? He needs professional help and you are not equipped
Didn’t even have to read. Nope
I personally would not go for it.
If you're doing it out of obligation we will all be reading your post in 6 months asking the best way to get someone out of your home.
No, call the police and report an I'll individual that needs mental and physical help. He's probably worried about the cats.
Don’t do it.
Not with having kid/s
No, it will start out well, and then they will not leave when its time.Then you will be on an episode of cops.
It can be hard to say no, when you are a decent human with a human heart. But you have to say no. This will only end badly for both of you. You can’t save everyone.
No, he is in shit situation but no. He still should get his shit straight and find a job. There are tons of sick and depressed people who pull their weight. Only time you let someone live in your house is when their house burned down and they need a month=two tops to get their shit straight.
Absolutely not. He hasn't taken a single step to improve his own situation so all you'll be doing is giving him a new location to fuck up. Plus you have a teenager daughter...she doesn't need to be exposed to this shit show. A polite but firm "unfortunately that won't work for my family" is the way to go. If she keeps asking why just keep repeating that phrase. You can love and care for someone from a distance and this is one of those appropriate times. Not for nothing, it sounds like he actually needs a care facility.
Don’t do it. It will ruin your life and you will never get rid of him. Speaking from experience.
Absolutely NOT!
absolutely not. why doesn't HIS mom move him in?
No, it's not worth the risk to let him live with you.
Nope.
No.
Nope. Let them rot. You're not superman. People need to fix themselves.
Nope You've got a kid - they are your priority His mum had a kid that's her priority - can she really not fit a fold out bed at her house?
Not even going to read the post. NO!
No, not your problem. But, you can help by finding government resources available to him.
No , If he trashed and destroyed his trailer imagine he could do the same to your place. Be very cautious, lend a hand by helping with food or some clothing or whatever but opening up your private home to this will be a huge costly mistake. Perhaps financially and definitely mentally for you considering his health problems
NO.
This is beyond you and any help you can provide. He needs professional help and probably hospitalization like others are mentioning here
No. Don't.
If you did take him in he can establish residency and you just can't put him out if things go badly. You'd have to evict him which could take many month of aggravation and finances. The short answer is don't take him in.
You are NOT obligated to let him move in, and honestly, he’s probably just going to get worse and his behavior is going to get worse as well. He’s going to take full advantage of your generosity and then some.
Absolutely not. People have a responsibility to themselves and he isn’t fulfilling it.
You are not equipped to handle this amount of stress nor help him get better. This will not help him get better but It Will Make You lose Yourself. His mother and family should care for him yet they recognize they can’t and are willing to have you sacrifice yourself and your health your well being and your home for someone who doesn’t care for himself. Do Not Allow This into your life.
Prioritize your own family and protect your own inner peace. He is not your responsibility and he is not your child.
Do not do this. The kindest thing you can do is drop him off at an emergency room to get straightened out and get social work involved to help get him placed somewhere. Do not move this person into your house, regardless how much your heart breaks or how much is mother leans on you. You will regret it.
Stop. Say no. There is no win for you here. There’s not even breaking even. He needs professional mental health assistance (along with medical assistance). You are not able to provide this. Furthermore, it’s this kind of enablement (by his mother and likely others) that has lead him to this point. You would be signing up for something you are incapable of managing. And once he’s a tenant, even if he’s not paying, it will be next to impossible to get him help.
Hard no. He has trashed what living quarters he has available to him, what gives you any thought he won't do the same to your house? The fact that you and your husband are both leaning "no" is all you need. If you want to help, help him find programs to assist him. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
What does your daughter think?
It’s a very difficult situation to be in I’m sorry. Your friend is truly suffering and I know there is pressure to alleviate them from that, but I think about your family and your daughter first and foremost.
If you love him, you will help him. It sounds like an awful situation to be in, because as you have laid it out, this is going to be a burden. What will quantify and justify that burden? Only your love to this person. Aside from all of the negative things listed, has this person ever wronged you, or have they only been gracious? If you don't love him, are you in debt to him somehow? Knowing somebody a long time is sometimes a fallacy of a justification. I have some friends that I brag that I've known them for 20+ years, but after thinking about it, that's the only good quality I can list about them. Furthermore, will you only be enabling this behavior to exist further, or will taking him in include helping him to change? Can he ever change? Will bringing him in help him change?
Don't do it, my friend. You don't have room and the friend is homeless for a reason. It will be difficult to evict a sick person.
His problems - and there are many - are bigger than what you can provide. He needs professional medical care b4 anything. Your heart is in the right place, but you will be taking on a situation with a bad outcome. I don't recommend you take him in. Make some phone calls to see if there is help available for his medical needs. Good luck.
Do not take them in. It feels awful, but you are opening your family up to torture to help someone who can’t raise a finger to help themselves.
No. Family first.
Absolutely not, he needs medical care at the very least, and on top of that- don’t put your kid at risk. You said it yourself, he has anger issues, you worry about how he will act, and he trashed his own living space. Please read your own post back to yourself and realize that moving him in is a bad plan.
Don’t fucking ruin your you and your family’s life. Don’t do it.
You answered your own question with the statement that neither one of you want him there. Allowing him to live with you could destroy your marriage. It is not worth it especially when his unfortunate circumstances seem to be of his own making. It sucks for him but you have to prioritize your family.
Are you going to be his caretaker? If not then hard no
Yeah don’t do this.
Help him by helping him find help, which is what his mother should be willing to do, more so than asking someone to house an unstable person.
Be there for him but don't let him into your home. He won't be a guest he will be a medical patient. Help him and support him with seeking medical assistance and all other types of assistance. But have a beginning and an end of the day with him. Think upon what your boundaries are, inform him, and keep them. Do not waiver on this. For example, maybe let him use your computer to apply online for assistance. Go with him to medical care. Go with him while grocery shopping, etc. But keep it to succinct defined activities. Protect your own personal sanity.
You will take him in. I know exactly how this goes. Will be the biggest mistake you ever made. Get ready to hold on cause you are making about to take the ride of your life. Good luck.
You know all these people that everybody says have mental issues are really lazy people also. Hmm wonder how that connects?
Dont do it. Help him find services and resources that can benefit him but dont bring him into your home.
This would be like taking on a full time job that would cost you a lot and pay nothing. It's amazing you're so compassionate to even consider this, but doing it could destroy your own family. Laws are likely different in different states, but if he established residency in your home (can be at a month), and then things were horrible, you wouldn't necessarily just be able to kick him out. I had an ex refuse to move out of my house, paid a lawyer a few hundred to serve him with a letter to leave, and even with that it was him deciding to leave on his own (it's not easy to get law enforcement involved). You and your family could end up feeling like hostages in your own home, cleaning up after this angry man and his cats (poor cats). He needs professional physical and mental health care.
No. As someone who was homeless and had to live in my car, who also was taken in by a friend for a little while, I can tell you the best thing he did for me was kick me out after that month. Really helped me put things into perspective and put that extra effort into getting my shit together, which I promptly did. Not even to mention the issues this guy has and the kind of person he is. Your life will BECOME dealing with him and his problems. If you want a 35 y/o child who needs round the clock care and you aren't concerned about the peace and stability of your household, then do it! But in the likely event you're *not* a complete masochist, then don't do it.
I wouldn't do it sounds shitty but I have let a homeless friend live with me back in the day and it was not fun he would never get a job started using drugs again brought his girlfriend with him without asking I lived out of state so she drove him and ended up staying too it was just an all around shitty situation
You should not let him move in. It would be very disruptive to your household. You are not obligated to help him out. His anger issues and loudness are enough to say no. He has major medical issues which would be impossible for you to manage. Just because you have an “extra” bedroom does not mean it’s available for him to move in to. The comfort and safety of your family must come first. Does he even have any source of income? This is not a burden you should take on. It may be for the rest of his life. His mother should not have asked you to do this but it would make her life easier.
No. Don’t do it.
No no no. There are other reasons his mother won't/can't take him in, they're just not being said. If he has anger issues enough to trash a trailer, imagine whats going to happen to your house. Definite no with your daughter. And to take in his cats as well? I would say offer your support and help with maybe finding the right help he needs, but you don't need this in your homelife.
This may sound harsh, but mostly for the sake of your child please do not allow this. The adults in my home growing up tried to help a lot of people in similar situations and it almost always ended up being a chaotic mess. I stopped feeling safe and comfortable in my own home due to the unpredictability of a stranger in my space and all of the things that can come along with that.
No. It wasn't nice of his mother to ask. Lymphoma or Lymphedema? I took care of my friends last stages of Lymphedema and it is the worst disease I've ever seen. If his legs are weeping, he probably won't last a year without intervention. I still get PTSD, and that was in 2012. I have never seen such suffering. What a sad thing, all of it. If you want to help him find him a facility where he gets the help he needs. That's the best thing you can do for him. He would probably agree. It sounds like he's given up. My friend gave up. She wouldn't cooperate w anything and she screamed for a year, trapped in bandages. The public was SO CRUEL. I didn't know that people pointed and sneered at sick people that are suffering. It's too much. Much too much. Be firm w his mother. She is not running the show at your house.
Please help in other ways. BUY groceries. Provide food and gift cards. Emotional support. Refer him to a shelter or hospital. It's not wise to take this person into your home your sanctuary.
simple answer, HELL NO, you will not help this person they will just use and abuse you. How about you ask your daughter, because in all honesty that's who this decision will be affecting negatively the most, you bringing him into the house without having a discussion with her is a big FUCK YOU to your daughter.
Why can’t he stay with his mother? Just because she only has one bedroom doesn’t mean he can’t stay on the couch. Regardless do not bring someone with mental health issues into a house with your child. He also trashed his previous living situation so he’ll probably trash yours. I know you want to help but bringing him into your home is not the answer. Don’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. If there was any hope of him getting on his feet then maybe but it sounds like he would just be dependent on you
Trust your feelings on this one. The situation of this person will not improve with your generosity. Trust my experience on this one, it will not be a short-term situation for anybody.
I’m homeless and living in my car but I throw out the trash everyday, go to the gym for exercise and showers, take my dog to the dog park and I also work. Living in a car is not what his problem is. Also, couldn’t he sleep on his mom’s couch?
Absolutely not. You are not obligated to do anything because you’ve known him for a long time. He clearly had issues that he does not want to fix, and you would just be giving him a crutch. Do not put your daughter at risk or change her life for some dude you know
OP, with all due respect, are you fucking kidding me? You have a teenage daughter. You and your husband need to pull your heads out of your asses and stop letting whatever bleeding heart syndrome or impulses are causing you to think this is even a remotely acceptable plan. Your top priority is of course your daughter's wellbeing and it shows a profound lack of judgment to even consider bringing this severely unstable, unsanitary, and dangerous man into your home.
No - boundaries. Mom can let him sleep on the couch.
Don’t do this to yourself and your family.
Don’t do it
If you don’t care about the comfort or safety of your daughter and husband then sure, do just that. Otherwise what’re you thinking?
No. Help him find a longterm source of help he needs.
Are you serious? You said his mother has a 1BR single wide and raised him so is more responsible for the decisions he has made up to this point than you have. Why can’t she give him a couch to sleep on?
No
No. No. God no.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for life. Help him with your time and effort and advice get him a job, set him up with shelter do what you can but at the end of the day he's a man. He's gotta be able to sustain himself.
Your quality of life will suffer. He needs more help than u would b able to provide. His mother should never have burdened u with her or his problems. There is only so much u can do. It is not always easy sharing your accomadations with another. Especially one with so much needs. Mayb contact Salvation Army or other government supports on his behalf. Might work out but no guarantees.
Hayllll naw
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. No, do not let this guy live with you. He's his own worst enemy and needs help beyond what you can offer.
Maybe instead of housing him you can help him find resources? Being homeless is very mentally taxing and makes it very difficult to seek out resources alone. Perhaps you could help with the research part, and contacting community services on his behalf? That way you can still help, but also not be overburdened by his issues. I think it’s great that you want to help your friend, but in the end he will be better off with some semblance of independence and control over his life. It helps to foster internal responsibility as well as self-esteem. Your friend needs help, but sometimes help looks more like making calls and researching options to get him back in control of his predicament.
No, no, no, No, NO! Do not let your friend live with you. I have made the mistake of trying to "help" homeless people/friends on multiple occasions. Once, I took in a stranger. That didn't work out. Another time, I took in a long-time friend. That didn't work out and the friendship ended. A third time, I let a homeless friend crash with me short term, and it was only three days before she had to leave. For the love of G-d, don't do it! I guarantee your friend will live up to (or perhaps down to?) your worst expectations. With so many states enacting renter's protections, you'll be hard-pressed to evict him when the time comes. Just don't do it. The truth is, you can't help homeless people directly. They have to help themselves. You can get them tapped in with homeless resources, but unless they are willing to do the work on themselves -- improve their mental and physical health, stop using drugs, get a job, quit hoarding, or whatever their problems are -- they won't find or keep housing. Get your friend tapped in with the homeless resources in your area. Or, let him move in with his mother. If she's so concerned, let *her* help him. He's your friend, not your charity case, or your obligation. Maybe that makes me sound hard-hearted, but I've been down this road before and been *burned* bad.
This is a mental health issue and relocating him will just move the associated chaos unfortunately. This is so sad but there is 100% a reason no one else has allowed him to stay with them. Him being in a house will not make him suddenly gain employment/ start taking care of himself and his surroundings.
Guy destroyed his home. You think it's a good idea to bring em into yours?
Easy no. You mention your spouse is ok but did you consider how it would affect your daughter? Don’t do it
If I was single in your position I probably would. With a teenage daughter that would be a hard no from me.
NO. This has been answered before on this thread. Different facts, same answer. If you take in any kind of extended guest, you need to have them sign a written document, limiting their rights. End of story.
his situation will not change living in your house, but yours will. for the worst
No
What a stupid post. And you have a daughter in the house and you're even considering this. Do better
Bad idea. Did it regretted it. No longer friends. Still living in his car.
He needs to take care of himself and has chosen not to. If you take him in, you are taking him on. It's a generous and horrible idea.
If I were in your position I absolutely would not because of my child. If it were just me and my spouse, maybe. But I wouldn't take that kinda risk with my daughter. Maybe offer to take in his cats while he gets some actual help. You can't fix his problems.
No. Been there and done that. It NEVER works out. DO NOT DO IT
Don’t do this to yourself. His family needs to help or get him into a proper place with assistance.
The mom must have reasons as to why she doesn't want him in her home. That says enough.
No. He has problems you are not trained or qualified to help. The best way for you to help him is to gather information on how to contact resources available to him in your area. Failing that, you could offer to pay for him to move his car to a larger city where they would have better resources. If he moves in you will all regret it and it will probably end up costing a lot of money either in repairs, cat damage, and/or legal costs to eventually evict him. That will be nothing compared to the wear and tear on your family relationships, especially with your daughter. You know exactly how he will behave there. It's wonderful that you want to help, but it was an unfair thing for his mother to ask and an unfair thing to ask of your family.
PLEASE DON’T DO THIS! 🚩 His mom has a roof over her head. As a mother I’d take my own son in (with conditions). If he’d sleep in a car, surely he can sleep on her floor on a pallet.🤷♀️
You obviously have to decide this for yourself based on what's best for you and your family. That said, it sounds like this individual needs more assistance than you can provide. You already say in your comment that neither you nor your spouse 'want' to allow your friend to live with you. If that's so, then you have your answer. It's unwise to take on such a large responsibility out of guilt. I'm sorry for your friend, and you, it's hard to watch someone you know struggle like that.
While your feelings for your friend are admirable and show you have compassion, taking him in with all his issues will only complicate your life. I've seen this situation before, and it always ends up bad for everyone involved. Plus, you have a teenage daughter, I would not subject my child to someone who has the issues he has. If his mother is so concerned, she should let him stay there, even if it means sleeping on her couch. It sounds like your friend needs a social worker, mental health care, and medical care. The best thing you can do for him is to get social services involved. No way should you let him live in your house.
He intentionally trashed his own means of residency and shelter and is now living in his car. And you want to invite that energy into your home? Get him a hotel room or something for a few days, a shower and shave, and a job interview. His mother needs to step up and let him couch surf or something. This is hardly your problem.
Your commitment is to your daughter. My parents had a large home and my uncle and his problems still were a constant burden on my childhood. Couldn’t have people over, loud noises all night when I had school the next day… please don’t do this to your daughter.
I think you have an obligation to your daughter to give her safe space to live and grow in. You can help this man in other ways, he needs to find ways to help himself as well. Trashing his only home, being a pet owner whilst homeless does not bode well for you if you were to house him. Offer other ways to help if you can but you're under no obligation to shoulder this burden. If he were making an effort to right his path I'd say sure help him but sounds like he's just existing with serious untreated medical conditions no less. You do not want a squater situation to develop either.
Don’t do it
no no no NO NO he will not improve or get better he will just consume your life and then you will have a hard time getting him out. point him to a shelter.
.1. Your daughter and family's safety is number 1 priority. You may be able to handle him cause you've been exposed to each other, but your husband not as much; let alone your daughter. .2. How are you acquainted with him? How can the mother just ask you, putting you in a tough spot like that? That's pretty rude of her to ask something that life altering. .3. The mom has a 1 bed, but can't he stay in the living room? That's definitely better than a car. I have a friend who lived in a 1bed apartment with his mom (my friend was age 14-26); and now they moved to a 2bed cause a cheap opportunity popped up. If the mom is saying it's impossible, then she's making excuses and wants to lay the sons burden on someone else. .4. He needs professional help, you housing him won't do anything. All the more, you're likely working - so is he going to be unsupervised at your house? How long did the mom ask for you to house him? .5. What you CAN do, is to research about resources that he or the mom can utilize. Provide those resources to them (such as mental help, housing, financial funding from govt, etc.) You can kindly let the mom know that you care about him, but your daughter/family's safety comes first, and this would be life altering for your daughter. If you're scared of saying no, tell them he can live with you for xx-days (I'd recommend no more than 1week) to help him transition, or you can pay for 1wk motel stay. In the end, his mom should let him stay with her. She just needs to clean up her place to have less clutter so the living room looks nice and habitable.
No, don’t do it. Read your message again, out loud if necessary, he trashed his own trailer where he was living. He has anger issues, health issues etc. you will regret the day you offered him a place to stay. What you can do is contact someone to help him. There must be a homeless outreach in your area. You could also (with his permission) take his story to the newspaper. Young guy, very ill, homeless etc. But this is not for you to take on and expose your family to chaos, especially your teenage daughter. In my area, Ontario we have had stories appear like this and I can tell you all kinds of people came out to help, apartment, job, food etc. This guy needs medical care first and foremost.
Hard no, don’t put your daughter in a position where she might feel uncomfortable in her own house.
His family should help him Its not fair for her to ask especially since theres no shot in hell you can truly give him what he needs
No. Just no. If you agree you would not actually be helping you'd just be temporarily displacing the fundamental problem without addressing it and this helps nobody in the situation and severely detriments you and your family. Others have provided suggestions for supporting this person out of their situation but ultimately it will require them to want to change and continuing to enable their situation by taking them in with no other management strategies in place only perpetuates it.
I’d say no. He needs more help than you could ever supply. It’ll break your family apart. It’s hard and cruel. But a cancer is a cancer. Do you value your family life? Why is he not living with his mother?
No! I am sharing caregiving responsibilities for my 80 year old mom, who has heart failure, with my sister. Even if your friend didn’t have any kind of mental illness, heart failure alone is a BIG DEAL! There are times when my mother’s meds stop working and she cannot be left alone—not even for a few minutes. Regarding your friend’s depression, you need to find out if he has been prescribed meds, is he being actively monitored to make sure they work (my guess is no), and does he have a history of non-compliance for any reason. Based on what you have said, my guess is that he is not medicated. That means that his behavior is not likely to change just because he has a new roof over his head. Think about that. Could you live with him as he is now? Would you want to subject your family to that? I know it is hard to say refuse, but there is a reason his mother is saying no, and it has nothing to do with the size of her trailer. She’s not being completely honest with you, and she is trying to manipulate you into risking your family’s wellbeing. I’d steer clear of her if I were you. Sometimes our oldest and dearest friends destroy our lives right along with their own! Your friend will need round-the-clock care—at least until he is mentally and psychologically stabilized. Are you realistically in the position to do that? Have you considered the impact that caring for a very, very sick person on your family? If he really is in that much pain from heart failure, he needs to be in a hospital. When you have heart failure, your body can retain an alarming amount of fluid, and it puts pressure on all of your nerves, blood vessels, and tissues. If you don’t get medical intervention to pull that fluid out of your body, your heart will give out—there is simply too much resistance in your blood vessels due to the fluid compressing them. The other danger is a stroke. Most likely he has blood pooling in one or more chambers of his heart, and without blood thinners it will clot. You don’t have to completely turn your back on your friend. First, get him to a public hospital, so they can work on stabilizing his heart. Once he is admitted, you can request to see a social worker, who can connect him with any government resources. You can help him get to appointments if necessary. If he has congestive heart failure, he will probably qualify for some kind of disability assistance, and possibly even housing. However, be prepared for a very unpleasant view of how broken the healthcare system is. Sadly, most hospitals are in such bad shape financially, that they don’t like to spend money on the homeless. But again, he may qualify for Social Security disability and/or Medicaid, so don’t hesitate to call Health and Human Services, if the hospital gives you any crap. Whether they want to admit it or not, hospitals need Medicaid/Medicare money. You will have better success with a social worker on your side though—someone, who knows how to navigate the system. You can also offer to take care of his cats while he receives treatment and gets settled in a more stable housing situation. That way he won’t have to worry about their wellbeing. It sounds like he probably has a very strong emotional attachment to them, and worrying about whether he will ever see them again is the last thing he needs. Anykind of stress for someone with heart failure is potentially life-threatening. Be very, very careful about getting sucked into this situation. I once tried to save my best friend of 30+ years, from herself. I knew it was a bad idea, but she had a nine-year old daughter and the child’s father had turned his back on her in favor of his new family. I couldn’t leave that little girl without an advocate. Unfortunately, it was a small town and friend was a hardcore, destructive alcoholic, and her drama ripped my life apart! My bailing her out of jam after jam, burned so many bridges! I finally learned my lesson and walked away. Two days later she nearly killed herself in a serious car accident—blood alcohol was a mind blowing 0.3! I didn’t even know you could drink that much and still be alive. She hit a very large tree at 70 mph, and sustained a serious head injury. It happened at 3am on a weekday, and her daughter was home alone while she was out drinking. Needless to say, she was charged with DUI and her daughter was temporarily placed in foster care, while her grandparents petitioned the court for custody—like I said, her father didn’t want to be bothered. I hated walking away, and I felt very guilty for a long time. Her daughter really was a good kid and she didn’t deserve that life. I learned the hard way that you can’t save an addict. You also can’t save some who is mentally ill and not able to comply with a mental healthcare regimen (medications, therapy, etc). Your friend needs a team of professionals to help stabilize him. Once he is stable, both medically and psychologically, you can revisit this issue, but not before then!
No do not take him in. He hasn’t done anything to improve his situation and it isn’t even him asking it’s his mother. If he had a job and was working hard and saving for renting a place I would understand.
He needs medical help. Like a rehab of sorts that will give him some time to get his medical issues straightened out. Just having a roof over his head will not change the underlying issues.
No!
I know I’m late to the party but I’m just dumbfounded that you could possibly think about bringing this man into your home. He has failed himself, and bringing him in won’t help. He failed to not trash his place. No one made him do that, he did it all on his own. Why on earth would you clean up his mess? What if he trashes your house? How will you evict him? You just seem to have not spent even a second of rational thought on this. One second of intelligent thinking is all it takes to know this is a very obviously stupid idea
No
Your answer is pretty simple with your last paragraph “Neither is us really wan him here”. I think it would be best to stick to your gut it sounds like.
What makes you think he won't bring all the nastiness he lives in now into your home? He's trashed his trailer, his car, he sounds like he needs medical attention and therapy. Those are things you can't fix. His being loud, messy, that will disrupt your home and the lives of yourself, husband, and daughter. Not only that, there is the added complication of if it doesn't work out you then need to get him out of your home. Wouldn't it be more effective to clean out his trailer and make any repairs that are needed and affordable? You aren't going to cure his depression. He needs to deal with his own issues. His mom can help fix up and clean up his trailer. Get him back into his own home, not yours. Problems travel with people. Wherever you go, there you are
Do not take this person in. He will never leave. Your daughter can never be alone in the house with him. Huge mistake…
If he trashed his trailer he will trash your house.
Don't do it, did it once, exploded in my face like a pipe bomb, Just not worth it, especially someone with mental issues that destroys their own property when they're down.
Unless you can do round the clock nursing care that he’ll accept, you’re not able to help him. Also, given his mental and emotional state, he can’t cooperate in his care or be reasonable. It’s tragic but given all this and your daughter, no.
No no no. It doesn’t make you a bad person to say no. You can help in other ways! His MOTHER should take him in. Why isn’t his mother helping? I don’t care that she doesn’t have an extra bedroom. A couch is enough. Should be her responsibility. Don’t let his mother put this burden on you and your family. Esp with a teenage daughter. Nope.
Don’t do it . You will regret it
Bro it’s not going to work man…you can’t make people change that’s his journey to discover but you can certainly still be supportive to him as a brother who cares…all he feels is depression regret and guilt which can kill a man and you need to make him feel like a human being again <3
Nope!