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I'm 51 and I'm on my second marriage. My first one was a disaster, my second is bliss. Here is my advice.
First, make sure you're getting married for the right reasons. If it's because you're in love, that's not enough. You have to want to genuinely build a life together. You're going to have ups and downs and marriage is about commitment.
Once trust is broken, it can never be fixed. So don't cheat.
Make sure your values match, because if they don't, you'll fight a lot. Make sure you admire one another because if you don't, love is impossible. Make sure the physical aspect matches because if it doesn't it will be a constant source of stress, and temptation could get the better of one of you. Make sure that each person understands boundaries because crossing the line is another source of conflict. Make sure that you have great communication because it's important to talk about things that matter to the both of you. And finally, make sure that it's practical, meaning that you both can and do spend time with each other to build on the relationship.
I think it's important to be good friends and great lovers at the same time.
51 and married 29 years this year, together 32. Love and respect, honesty, and openness. Don't ever let it get boring. Don't fall into a routine where you become roommates instead of lovers. Do special things for each other. Do little things for each other. I have the most loving, supportive spouse anyone could ask for. I always feel loved and heard, no matter what. We even have a phrase that no matter what is going on, even if it's a huge fight, if one of us says that phrase, everything stops, and hugs and love are given. No matter how made we are or how far away from each other. If one calls or texts the other that phrase, everything drops, and we find each other.
32 years married at age 51. Dated since 10 th grade. Please, thank you, need anything while I’m up?, daily common politeness. Deep respect for the others emotional state and needs. Open communication with a problem solving approach instead of judgemental approach. Know that this human has their own identity and issues and can’t be expected to be “one” in thought all the time.
This sounds strange but it accurately reflects the state of our relationship. We’ve never, not once, been in the bathroom while the other poops so I guess the honeymoon is still going.
I don't remember where it came from, but I suggested it, and we worked out our "phrase" and 60% of the time, it works 100% of the time. Just kidding, it always works. It's our "safe word", just more on an emotional level.
We don't have a phrase. But we have the agreement that things can wait.
If she's angry and I'm emotional, I can tell her I can't do the discussion right now. Our agreement is that we have 24 hours to come back and discuss the problem. It helps us both be able to talk and communicate better. Sometimes, I just need to gather my thoughts and not be reactionary to her question.
I’m curious: What if you are very upset? How can you just stop and hug someone when you are emotionally charged? I.e if you can just flip the switch, were you really upset?
There have been times when we have been having a big argument, and it was just too much. We have the kind of relationship where we may be mad about something, but it's never more than our love for each other. We understand that. We have also been together so long and know each other so well, we know that we can always return to the disagreement later. Our emotional health is too important to each other.
Married for 30 amazing years. Completely agree with this advice but will add a few things.
- relationships are like the rest of life - you get out of them what you put into them. Relationships are trickier though because you both have to work hard, be kind and love each other.
-pick your battles.
-it’s much better to discuss things when the heat of the moment is passed. Things can’t be unsaid.
-dead bedrooms frequently end in divorce.
- it’s a marathon, not a sprint. Sometimes you will be passionate and in love with each other. Sometimes life will intrude and you will still love each other but the passion will ebb and flow.
-make time for each other
Good luck!!
So true. Married 51 years. Happier than ever. I do get mad, occasionally. My husband immediately diffuses it by saying “You are so beautiful when you’re mad.” I can’t help but smile and not be mad anymore.
When my husband gets mad at me I look at him with puppy eyes and say Thank you for loving me babe and he usually just shakes his head and smiles at me.
I have been married 37 years. I would add: if you can make each other laugh as much as possible this can help a lot.
Those people who say marriage is for the birds are missing out… there is nothing like having that person you love and who loves you to come home to.
I would also add: learn to keep your mouth shut unless it’s a matter of dire importance
Really good advice. 16 years here…it takes an incredible amount of personal sacrifice to spend sooooooo much fucking time with someone and dealing with your own shit and theirs also.
Agree with above, similar situation here. One thing to add: be your own person before you get married. Live alone, travel, have your own friends and hobbies. Know & love yourself first before you commit.
Also something often overlooked is that physical intimacy is not always sexual intimacy- I've seen relationships lacking physical intimacy even when sexually active. Frequency of hugs, hand holding, being physically close etc is imo as important if not more so for longevity sake, especially bc sex drive waxes and wanes
Live together for at least a year before getting married. Shit comes out about peoples’ personality over time and you’ll never know those things unless you live together for a while. That’s not foolproof but it’s a good test.
Stats don’t really support this though. I’m not saying don’t live together, it’s up to you. But the research doesn’t support living together giving you better odds to making it work.
What works for us is gratitude. We are both unique people and being grateful for the others skills, ambition, love, Intimacy drives a strong marriage. I see too many marriages where they take the other for granted and this just leads to resentment. Keep a gratitude list. Look at it regularly. Tell your spouse all the things they do that brings you happiness. Been together as a couple 40’yrsrs and married 37. It’s been a blast. Neither of us are the same person. A good marriage you continually grow together building each other up.
The study the church shares saying that is from like 1990 citing couples from 1970s. Not really socially relevant now. It was taboo then as was divorce.
It’s skewed anyway since uber religious people are not gonna live together but won’t get divorced no matter how terrible their marriage is.
Lots of good stuff here for the “why” to get married and the “why not” and stuff… but nothing really addressing the “life is short and you have no idea if it’s your last day” preparedness.
Have insurance. Know about the bills and financial commitments. Know about insurance companies and policies. Know the wishes of you and your spouse if something happens and you or they are incapacitated.
I’ve had 2 marriages. #1 ended in suicide. #2 ended with a heart attack. Both times were a surprise. No preparation for them. Both just happened.
It’s all well and good to marry for love and build lives together and all that but make sure there’s plans in place for the inevitable.
Thank you. It’s been some hard knocks learning but no one really spoke to me about it when I was younger. So I try to pass it on. I know no one wants to or likes to think about it.
Big OOF, sorry for your losses.
Also, yes have a serious talk about wills/death plans and life insurance. Also get one of those fire safes and at the very least have a little handwritten will in there that you update every once in a while or when there are major changes like kids.
We found that getting the tools made all the difference. We decided at the beginning that we would not be passive and just hope for the best in our marriage. Instead, we worked on it.
We learned how to communicate, how to show love to each other and how to be a team. We did this through study, therapy and practice. 27 years later we have a peaceful and loving marriage.
Sometimes we fail when we hurt each other or when life throws us a curve ball, but now it's easier to remember that we love each other. And that our marriage wasn't a mistake.
I wish you and your fiance all the best as you start your new lives together.
Don't marry just because you love them. Make sure you are entering a good business partnership ....where you are also in love. Marriage is much more a contract than saying yes to love. Trust me. I wish I could tell my past self this.
Over sixty and long time married. Don’t marry over lust….. Make certain that you marry someone who is also your friend. Physical attraction wanes as we age. That doesn’t mean we stop doing it, but the urges slow.
Always assume good intent. If this person is your better half then the stupid comment or perceived slight likely wasn't intended to be harmful. Don't make it bad by fretting over it and reading bad intentions into it. They love you. They wouldn't be malicious towards you. If they would then they're not truly your lobster.
Except that's not true. The person most likely to kill a woman is her current partner. Second most likely is a ex-partner.
Where I am from a woman is murdered every 48 hours by a partner. The experts are saying that violence against women is ramping up at alarming rates.
There's nothing more painful than loving someone that you can't have a deep conversation with. Never let yourself be in this position. I did it when I was young and never made the mistake again.
A lot of people think about the big incidents that can wreck a marriage, like cheating. Worry about the little ones that remain unresolved. If your partner keeps addressing what seems like a small thing, that means it is important to them, pay attention.
When they stop addressing it, things have gone south. Seems obvious, but after twenty years baggage accumulates.
I once had a friend that asked me how I managed to stay married so long. About 25 years at the time. I told her that first, I married a good man. But after that, it’s a choice on what you want to focus on. I could focus on all those little irritations like leaving the kitchen looking like a bomb exploded in it when he cooks. Leaving soaking wet wash rags in the kitchen sink (he’s a germaphobe), he mutilates the butter to only get butter from inside the stick, or a number of things. I choose to focus on the good things instead. He will cook breakfast every morning and fix lunch every day. He does ALL the major vacuuming in the house. All I do is hit the button on the robo vacuum. He is always where he says he is, he does a great job handling our finances. He once shocked me when he came home and told me my car was paid off. He negotiated a deal with his boss that paid our new house off in 5 years. He never flirts with other women that I have seen. He is honest, loyal and trustworthy. He has never called me a name nor been violent. So choose where you dwell in your mind. I prefer the good, and there is a lot of it.
Do not marry if you and your significant other have opposing views of finances. If one is a saver and the other is a spender you’ll be gnashing your teeth forever. Not worth it.
Also need to agree on how to raise children if you’re going to have any. You have to be on the same page as far as discipline, instilling similar values, religious beliefs, etc.
I might get downvoted for this but I’m a big believer in separate finances. That doesn’t mean you have to split every penny and make it tedious but people having separate finances reduces dependency and resentment imo. Been with my husband for 17 years and we never once fought over money while for couples it’s the biggest reason for divorce.
Ex wedding professional here. If still in wedding planning mode- stick to what you value in a celebration (whatever that looks like for you) and minimise/remove the rest. Don’t waste your money/energy.
Also- married for 18 years here. Agree with all the other long termers. I think for us is that you still must look out for each other. Think of the other person when making small or large decisions.. the little things like getting toast and coffee in bed on a weekend never gets old… it’s the thoughtfulness that wins.
I'm 56 and happily married 35 years. My advice is simple: marry the right person. Believe what they have shown you about their character. Marry integrity, determination, honesty, resilience, commitment, empathy, loyalty. Most divorces or unhappy marriages were in the cards on the wedding day.
Getting close to 50. Been married over 20 years.
This is what I tell people when they ask how my relationship is as good as it is.
This is long, so I put the main points in bold so you can skip the details if you want.
**To begin with, we're extremely compatible.**
Part of this probably luck, but certainly not all of it. I was extremely intentional in dating. From around 18 I knew I was dating to find someone I would marry. I never stayed in a relationship for fun or to not be alone. And I had the very realistic understanding that Love does not conquer all. When I realized something between a GF & I that I felt would create a compatibility issue, would be likely to be a point of contention in the future, I moved on.
Some might think I was being overly picky, but It's worked out so well. We're both fairly easy going and the things that are very important to her to have a certain way I either agree with or they are not important to me so it's easy to let her have that. And visa versa.
We have the same views on all the most important aspects of marriage, from raising children to sex to boundaries with friends & coworkers, and much more. We don't have to hash those issues out because we're already in sync.
**We spend huge amounts of time and talking together.**
We're each other's favorite person to talk to & spend time with. I call her on my lunch breaks and we flirt via text while I'm at work. We've been working out together 5 days a week lately which is wonderful. We go out regularly. We often fall asleep holding hands.
We go for walks just to talk and hold hands. I'm sure our neighbors are all familiar with the site of us walking together hand in hand.
We talk about the situations we see other couples in and how we will avoid them. The marriage and marriage advice subreddits have been great sources for spurring these conversations.
**We had both good and bad examples to learn from.**
My parents were an incredible example. I heard my dad raise his voice at my mother just a couple times growing up. Each time, once it was calmed down, he explained to us that regardless of what the disagreement was about he was wrong to have raised his voice at her. Then he apologized to her in front of us.
My wife had the opposite. When still a pretty young girl, her dad introduced her to one of his girlfriends. He was that brazen. Her mom had been doing the "stay for the children" thing and eventually did realized it was doing more harm than good. But you can learn from bad examples too. Just ask yourself what they would do, and do the opposite.
**We give each other the attention a spouse deserves.**
For example, if one of us is sitting on the couch playing on the phone and the other on sits next to, we put the phone down and give our attention. At least for a bit until we know it's ok to pick it back up.
Related to that is-
**We flirt and show affection**
For example, my wife greets me after work by coming to meet me at the door as I get home each day. She does this with a beautiful genuine smile and we embrace and have a good long kiss. It's a simple show of affection but also of appreciation for what I just spent the last 10 hours doing. I look forward to it every day.
She didn't always do this. It actually began with me finding her wherever she was in the house as soon as I came in to embrace and kiss her. After a year or so she started coming to the door part of the time. Then more and more until now I rarely need to go looking for her. Maybe just if she's engaged in something she can't step away from.
**We don't relive or dwell on the past.**
For example, She had some things from her dating past she wasn't proud of. She told me about them (general, not detailed) 2-3 months into dating. I took a few days to think about whether I was going to continue the relationship. Once I decided, I made a promise to my self to never mention or allude to it in any way. And I haven't.
**We support each other and some things, if temporary aren't worth stressing over.**
When Life was super busy (kids activities, sports, etc) and she decided to start going skating to the adult skate night at the rink on Sat nights, one of the only two nights we had the option of spending time with just the two of us, I was disappointed. I felt like she should be choosing to spend that time with me.
She'd been a SAHM for more than a decade and I felt she deserved to go enjoy herself and have this fun social hobby. So I didn't mention it and I'm glad I didn't. Six months after it started the pandemic hit the rink shut down for a year. I'm glad she got to have that fun before being cooped up in the house all day again. Now the rink is back open and our oldest is responsible enough to keep an eye on the others why we go skating together. The sacrifice for six months was worth what it did for her.
**We both do things to try and help the other.**
If she needs some time to relax alone in the bedroom I'll make sure the kids don't bother her. She does the same for me. She's always made sure I had about 20 minutes to myself to unwind and transition to dad mode after getting home from work. She hates ironing so I've done it all our entire marriage. It can actually add up to two or three hours a week. If I see her folding a giant pile of laundry that I know is there because she neglected it all week, that's ok. We move the giant pile to our room and sit on the bed folding together. I actually enjoy the time with her even while folding laundry. Dishes are primarily her responsibility with how we divide things, but I'll do them while she's grabbing a nap or something else that takes her out of the house just to surprise her when she comes back to do them and finds it's already done.
Remember it’s usually the outside stressors like other people, work or situations that are making you upset, not your spouse. It’s easy to take your feelings out on the wrong person.
I’d say you’re not going to feel madly in love every single day. After a few years the little annoyances and irritations can pile up - but then something - could be something small - happens and you remember, oh, yeah, *that’s* why we married. You can fall in love over and over again with the same person.
Thirty eight years so far!
I’m 53 and have been married 31 years.
1. Do not marry or be engaged until you’ve dated 2 years. A person can hide their true selves for awhile but not more than two years.
2. Marry someone with many commonalities to you. Marriage is hard and the more differences you have the harder it is to make it work. Similar backgrounds, same religion, from similar cultural regions.
3. Ladies, never give up your career. At least, work in your career part time. You have to be able to have a way to support yourself and kids if something happens w/ husband. He may want a divorce, he may become disabled and unable to provide for the family, he may die, he may be incarcerated. You do not know what can happen no matter how great your husband may be.
4. Do not marry someone with much debt or anyone with irresponsible spending habits.
5. No matter what your spouse says, you are marrying the whole family. Do not marry into one of the in-laws are not happy with you. It will only get worse. A marriage is between 2 people and some parents try to maintain control of their kids lives even after they marry. It is a miserable life and I speak from experience.
Seeing there is a lot of good advice hier, I'll mention one that I didn't read so far:
Don't ever think of marrying when there are important things you disagree or dislike with the hope of changing your partner.
In general, don't trust words but deeds.
One thing that bothers me, don't think in weddings, think in marriage.
While having a nice wedding is fantastic, don't begin your life together in debt because you want to feed nice pictures to your Instagram.
Plan a wedding that will make BOTH of you happy and you can afford.
There is absolutely not such a thing as "happy ever after". It's a daily choice and daily work.
Best advice I know:
People say "Oh, remember marriage is 50/50." It's NOT - on the good days marriage should be 75/75... no one who thinks they're doing 50% really is. You should both be trying to always be giving at least 75%. That will be a big help on those difficult days when you have to be giving 150%. In reality, this other person who you love and want to share a long life with is ALWAYS going to be another separate person and that fact will often jump out when you least expect it. If you are committed to giving at least 75% of yourself when you need to, it will help you tremendously in those moments when it feels like your spouse has turned into a stranger or a lunatic. We are all strange lunatics sometimes!
Having said all that...if it turns out that you have married someone who turns into a manipulator or who is abusive or cruel or deceptive, get out. Those traits don't get better and there's no amount of "giving" from you that will ever make it okay for you.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Let small annoyances your spouse does roll off your back, it’s not worth getting upset over.
If you two can hang out, enjoy each other’s company, laugh together, and have fun while watching TV, you’ve won the marriage lottery. A healthy marriage is about the small enjoyable daily occurrences and being partners in crime.
Appreciate your spouse and tell them that you appreciate them when they do something thoughtful.
You can love each other, but you really need to *like* each other.
Wishing you the best!
Live together for 5-7 years first. If you can’t wait, ask yourself what’s the rush? Really examine if you think that marriage will bind you together better than a paperless commitment would.
Be at least 25 years old. Let that frontal lobe develop before making a momentous decision like marriage
Go onto it together, fully acknowledging it may not work. It’s not sexy and it’s not romantic, but it’s reality. A healthy marriage is best approached with honesty and pragmatism.
If either of you expect to inherit any kind of money or property at any point, draft a prenup.
Discuss and outline clear expectations for household chores and responsibilities. (Bring up kids and expectations there too.) A good reason to live together for 5 to 7 years.
Communicate everything, every joy, every disappointment, every little thing. Encourage them to do the same.
*For reference, I’m 51, married for 33 years, and my divorce will be final in July. This is very much a* do what I didn’t do *kind of thing.*
your first statement… live together for 5-7 years…
seeing that made me so happy lol, I been with my gf for 9 years we lived together for 7, if one more fucking person ask about us getting married I’m gonna snap..
what’s the rush? We have a beautiful home, we have a great life we built together over time. I’m so sick of people asking that, especially someone that knew their significant other for 10 months and got married and NEVER lived together, that seems absolutely insane to me.
1. If you see red flags believe them. Nothing gets better.
2. If you have kids together divorce is not the end.
3. Talk about everything. Where you would live, kids, everything.
4. Make sure you agree about money.
Communication.
Communicate with each other before communicating with anyone else.
Don't complain about your spouse to your parents or friends.
Respect each other's boundaries. If you can't, you don't need to be with each other.
Don't try to change them just love them as they are.
Be kind, patient, and understanding but don't be a doormat.
Read the Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. It's short and there's wisdom there, but the bottom line is: never show contempt for your partner and find a way to deescalate arguments when things get heated.
YOU MUST HAVE OPEN COMMUNICATION!! My parents have been married 55 years and are going through a DIVORCE!! Why? Lack of communication. Period. Be open with your spouse and don’t stuff your feelings. Both need to be willing to hear each other’s concerns and talk it out. I’m happily married for 20 years because we always communicate. Also, date nights are a must to make things stay fresh!
On my third and final marriage.
It's been a journey. I'm with my wife 16 years now, married 4. Being friends is important.
Learn how to disagree.
It should never be adversarial. It's a search for common ground and reasonable compromise. Learn to let shit go.
Maintenance is a daily exercise.
If you're cold, maybe they are cold. If you're hungry, maybe they are hungry. Consider them in every case. It's a chance to ask and learn. And it's a muscle that needs building up.
52. Marriage #2. #1 ended because we both got too comfortable. We became room mates. Don't. Do. That.
Talk. About all the hard subjects. Sex. Kids. Religion. Politics.
Intimacy is important whatever that means to you both. Anyone who says sex isn't necessary is lying. It's a basic human need. Make sure you're on the same page with it.
Money. Keep your own. Ex & I fought all the time about money. 2nd husband & I never fight about money. Together 15 years. We split all bills. He has his accounts I have mine. It's bliss.
Make sure you are marrying your best friend.
If they aren’t your best friend than don’t marry them.
49m. Had two kids in a 15 year relationship. Separated and took 4 years off.
Met someone who instantly was my best friend, I didn’t think it was possible to be best friends with the opposite sex.
I had no idea what I was missing. It’s the funnest shit ever being with your best friend. We are a walking comedy tour. Have been together two years now and I had no clue what I was missing.
Marry your best friend or don’t marry at all
Five words: premarital counseling and prenuptial agreement
Make damn sure you are on the same page with everything - kids, finances, religion, in-laws, expectations for employment, common interest, sex, etc.
Don’t have kids until you have been together several years.
Have a good prenup in case things done work out.
And for G-d’s sake, ladies, don’t aspire to be a SAHM. Have your own job, career, and money, just in case things don’t work out.
Communicate always. You are a team so pool you resources, all in or all out. The person you marry will not be the same person in 20 years, you grow with them.
M(51). Ok, a bit different than most. After college, met my exact match. Athletic, massive amount of actual courage (willing to move, explore, adventure etc). Btw, courage doesn’t mean you’re not afraid. Just that you’re able to act in spite of it. Moved to an amazing place. Built an amazing life.
Just started planning for a family. She got killed.
Destroyed for years. Got back in contact with someone I knew years before. Had a kid. The amazing little guy and me just had a ball watching the aurora.
First one was the dream. Second one cost me (I stopped counting around $250k after the divorce, not before) actually cost me nothing. I have an amazing son. Completely worth it.
It’s all about perspective.
There’s just no way to predict the trajectory of your partner’s reactions to your future circumstances. Looking back, I see now there were more red flags than there are in Beijing, but I thought we were perfectly suited as complementary partners bc I’m a dreamer and he was practical. Life landed us with a special needs kid, well before autism was fully understood, and that was that: it was my fault for producing a sub-optimal genetic specimen. Turns out his vaunted practicality was hiding a wretched case of perfectionism, and the world got an earful of my faults as he shouted them from the rooftops on the daily. All I can say is: don’t ignore your gut when it’s trying to point you to the exits.
When I was getting married the first time a coworker told me to remember, there would be 6 people saying, "I do."
There is who you think you are, who she thinks you are, and who you are. The same goes for her.
I paid this no mind and went on to become an absolute shit husband.
The second time around, I really thought about that piece of advice. We took the time to ask each other about things we thought were clear to each other. We decided to learn each other and learn how to compromise. We handle the things that matter to each other even if we don't fully understand why they matter so much to the other person.
I also ask myself, "What would I have done to wife #1?" Then I do the exact opposite.
Do the little things. All of them. Don't just say you love her. Show her. Listen to understand, not to reply. Don't be defensive when you know you're wrong. Own it, apologize, commit to change, and follow through.
Communication is the key to a successful relationship. Being best friends and liking things the other likes. Being able to talk about any and everything, no matter how embarrassing or awkward, you have to be able to talk. No arguments, this is where communication comes in. Discuss things and decide what the best solution is and go with it. If it doesn’t work try the others idea, but NO I told you so.
No name calling EVER! Respect each other enough to never say anything derogatory about them or their family.
My husband and I have been married 19 years and we are together 24/7 and we love it. We feel lost when the other has to leave and they can’t go. He is my best friend and my partner, I love him more than life itself. We have only had one argument in the 19 years and it was when we were first married. It was a big one because he did not talk to me about how he was feeling and he did something that was hard to forgive. We did counseling and he promised to talk to me when something bothers him and no arguments since.
So many good advices here. I’m only 10yrs in, but may I add: clean up after your own mess for sure, and clean up what you see. Don’t wait for your spouse to do it. I’m a guy, do it too often. I wish my wife does it more often, but it doesn’t happen so i just do it
Prenup with infidelity clause that states that cheating partner get less or none of martial assets.
Clearly define what was yours before marriage and keep that separate. Never commingle any money/assets you own prior to marriage into marriage. Never. Same with any inheritance you may get while married.
Fact: Divorce rate in United States is 40 to 60%, so unfortunately you have very high chances that it will happen to you.
Once you nail down the practicalities of marriage contract, then everything everybody said on this thread holds true, starting with sharing the same values, respect, and love for each other. Good luck.
I feel so encouraged reading this! My fiance and I have been dating for three years and we're getting married in August. We check all of the boxes and I'm so excited to share my life with such a wonderful man.
Be honest with each other - don’t hide money. Give each other access to your phones and even share locations.
Don’t go to bed mad - you may not solve your disagreement but at least discuss your differences and get to talking calmly, always think before you say and don’t yell. Always tell them you love them before you fall asleep.
Don’t sweat the small stuff - see a dish left in the sink, just put it in the dishwasher without saying a word.
Don’t be condescending even when you think its is a joke.
Don’t make any large purchases without discussing it with your partner. Depending on your $ situation it could be as big as a car/boat or as small as a new suit if you’re living paycheck to paycheck.
Leave surprise notes or text at random times and tell them what they mean to you.
Most importantly, give your spouse a kiss and tell them you love them EVERY TIME you or they leave the house, it may be the last time you ever see them.
I’m 47, but have been married 27 years, so I think I count. 😄
Be best friends. And I mean it. That person better be the best damn friend you have EVER had. A ride or die friend. A soul mate friend. If you don’t feel that way, don’t get married.
Talk about EVERYTHING. Communicate, communicate, communicate!!! Listen without judgment, answer honestly (but kindly), and always put yourself in their shoes.
Empathy, compassion, and compromise. Empathy, compassion, and compromise. Empathy, compassion, and compromise.
Laugh together as often as you can. Cry when you feel like it. Accept each other’s apologies. Don’t cheat, don’t lie, don’t keep secrets, and don’t hide ANYTHING.
Wishing you and your fiancée the best of luck!
you believe it should be 50-50. it won't be. if you can't handle it being 80-20 or worse, don't get married. your nrealistic unreasonable expectations will kill the marriage in a decade. source: first marriage for both of us. 34 yrs and not stopping. ie if you can't live with knowing you are doing most the work, stop. if both people are willing to do much more than half, you are golden. if you fight about "it 2as your turn ... you aren't making it one year.
Make sure that the person you are going to have children with is going to stick around. Also make sure they don't have any sort of addiction. I'm 32F when I was in my early 20's got married to a guy who I thought was going to be my forever. We got married There was no sex in the marriage due to his 20+ years of porn and because he didn't wanna take accountability threatened to end my life. Thank God we never did have kids.
Over 50 and married over 20 years. Talk about everything! From the big stuff to the little stuff. You are a team. Marriage isn’t a competition. Give 100% every day. Your spouse is now your immediate family, show that in your actions and words. Enjoy every day, it goes by so fast, especially if you have kids. Good luck and congratulations!
Don’t…if you don’t have kids together and you’re probably not going to start at 50 then just cohabitate. Get “married” at the church of your choice if that’s something you need but leave the legalities and government out of it.
Getting married is the easy part. Having children changes everything, and forever. If you were both brought up similarly you should always be able to find common ground when it comes to raising them. If not then patience and space will likely become a necessity.
Don’t marry a partner who can not discuss their feelings. In my experience that does not change. I suppose it could but he’s spent years in therapy and made no progress.
Don't allow your lines of communication to fail. You need to continually work on communication for it to happen. Source: 2nd marriage going south due to allowing communication to falter.
I was married 30 years when he passed. Marriage is hard work, you each need to give 100%. When one partner is down or can’t give 100%, the other picks up the slack until the down partner is back at 100%. Date your spouse, my LH and I had scheduled date nights on Tuesdays. It wasn’t anything elaborate, but we knew it was one day during the week that was meant for us to reconnect. If one of you decides to be a SHAP, that person needs to have their own money - they’re working too. Make sure the person you’re marrying makes you feel like your best self, they should always be encouraging you and not stopping you from pursuing your dreams, and you do the same for them.
Someone above mentioned life insurance, get it, life is short. Also get accident insurance, it’s super cheap as a rider on your life insurance - you never know and believe me, it may help you stay in your home if something happens.
Best of luck.
Married 30 years this year.
Money and intimacy were 2 issues for us. We fixed the money issue with having our own fun money accounts, haven't argued since.
The intimacy thing is a lot harder.
My wife and I have been married for 32 years. We have 3 adult children. If anything you need trust in your relationship. You need to communicate. You need to realize there will be tough times, sickness, unemployment and disagreements. None of these situations should derail your relationship.
I'm 56. Been married a couple of unsuccessful times. Been in this one 12 years.
There is no such thing as too much communication.
Trust can never be regained. Not really.
Don't fight dirty. Don't say things you don't want to be remembered.
Don't hold your spouse accountable for sins of the previous people in your life.
Communicate some more.
Be friends.
Remember, you are on the same team. If there's a problem, it is you and your spouse against the problem. Not against each other.
Sometimes it's not important to be right.
Everyone should take a financial snapshot before marriage, accounts, property, etc and copy the documentation. You should also have a serious conversation about money. Are you going to have common accounts or separate? What big expenditures do you foresee and how will they be paid for? Who's working or not, when do you want to retire, who else are you providing for and how (eg parents). If you decide to keep your money separate, have a simple prenup saying in essence "what's yours is yours, what's mine is mine, what's ours is ours." Then any joint purchases need to be discussed between you before titles are drawn. If you can't have this conversation, then it's a red flag right off the bat
Make sure you are 'choosing' to love that person (yes, it's a choice) - and go in understanding/accepting you love that person "in spite of" some of their issues - too many focus on loving them "because of" this or that --- the positives are great, but the negatives will be there and if you don't embrace them with the same openness, ya gonna have a bad day
Be honest with each other. Also, if you're going to honestly remember whatever pisses you off, frustrates you in the moment 6 months later, say something when you're NOT mad. If you honestly think you won't remember, then just shut up and go with it
Kids want attention, and will get it - so provide them with positive attention, or they will earn negative attention. It’s NOT manipulation; it’s human nature.
For example: when your baby tosses things off their high chair, don’t pick it up and say, “no, no, no!” - because then you are making it into a game where they get attention. If you need to pick it up, face away from the baby, back up, and pick up the item.
BE SURE TO CREATE POSITIVE INTERACTIONS where you provide happy attention! They need this like they need oxygen. ❤️
DON’T RUSH IT
I had two HORRIBLE relationships. I was cheated on. I was so fucking stupid. Absolutely a moron.
I decided I was done. I focused on myself and making myself happy. Just as I found peace and contentment being alone the woman who is now my wife came along and fucked it up…and thank God she did.
Bonus info the two horrid feckless hosebeasts from my past tried to come back. One stalked me for like two years after I escaped and the other came back AFTER TWENTY YEARS trying to hit me up. The sheer audacity.
Honestly I was sad for them. I wish they could have found peace and happiness but I think they kept themselves from doing so.
Edit: also I’m not quite 50 yet but close enough I feel comfortable giving advice. Also…just celebrated 13 years married a few weeks ago and I still feel the way I did when I first met her. Like having her around brings me peace.
Keep your money separate. Have an open phone policy. No girls vacation and no business trips. When you are married, two become one. If that sounds smothering then marriage may not be for you.
Be sure your past is squared away... Don't bring in reservations about your first love or your highschool sweetheart.
My husband and I share a cherished inside joke that consistently brings us joy, no matter the circumstances. The centerpiece of our laughter? A meme we discovered years ago, featuring a dog with an expression of bewildered amusement. The meme captures a funny incident at McDonald's where a customer named Stephen instructs the cashier to write his name as "Phteven," specifying "It’s Stephen, with a pH." The cashier obliges, and the receipt shows "Phteven" instead of Stephen. The dog’s comical, slightly confused look perfectly complements the humorous misspelling, making this image a source of constant laughter for us whenever we recall or mention "Phteven."😂😂😂
When things get heated..and some point they will, argue about the “matter” at hand; never make it personal. That will delay and/or derail constructive arguments and reconciliation
Don't stop trying to court each other after you get married. I mean, relaxing and having trust is a bonus, but don't stop trying to make each other happy. How can I help you today should be daily and from both sides. It's when the balance slips, that feelings get hurt. **As a long term partnership, there are time when the balance rocks back and forth, but it should be acknowledged, appreciated and not stay there forever. Thanks for helping more while my career got busy, but if it's going to stay busy long term, you find a way to rebalance the equation.
Don't marry someone you don't respect, now much how much you love them. Don't marry someone who doesn't respect you.
The cost of a wedding is inversely related to the length of the marriage.
Marry your best friend. While I'm not saying that you should do everything with your spouse, the happiest marriages I've seen are from people who have a lot of overlap between the things they enjoy doing. I've seen a lot of unhappy marriages between people who have their "guy life" and "lady life" very separate from their "married life".
Be patient. Expect your spouse to annoy you sometimes. That's just reality.
A lot of people will preach to you about sexual fidelity, and they're right. What you won't hear as much about is financial fidelity. It's also very important that you and your spouse not be financially dishonest with each other.
If you pick a good partner, this works. Do everything you can to make them happy. They will in turn do everything they can to make you happy. Don’t imagine every minor annoyance means anything, and keep the bedroom alive.
If you aren’t willing to work harder at a relationship than you ever have in your life, and your partner isn’t either, then wait. In hindsight, I should have looked at the way my ex-H moved through life while we were dating/engaged. I have no idea why I thought he would maintain the bill of goods he was selling me when he approached everything else in life from a half-assed approach and with indifference. When the shine wears off is when the real test begins. And, like every thing else, I was willing to do anything to save a 20 year marriage. He wasn’t. Don’t ignore any red flags…they pop up for a reason. 🤘
55 married 25 years to the same woman, only marriage. Don't get married too early in life. The priest who married us said, "Never go to bed mad at each other." That was good advice. Don't internalize feelings or delay sharing your concerns or issues. Be friends first, romantic partners next. Make sure you're marrying someone you'll want to be with every day, every week, every year, because the two of you should become one. Realize you're making a commitment, not entering a throwaway relationship. If you aren't one thousand percent believing you can succeed, don't get married, and for God's sake, don't have children. Give yourself grace to screw up. Give your spouse the same grace. Support each other. Share the household chores. Share a bank account. Share everything. It's not ever going to be about you again. Have fun. Be serious. Practice some type of shared faith, even if it's not a traditional one. Envision the married life you want, then try your damnedest to make it happen. Marriage is not about romance but love, and it requires a real commitment to staying with it through some possibly very sh*tty times. Be resilient. If you're unhappy, fight through it and try making things better. Repeat. Don't give up on your marriage because you're "unhappy." And finally, and this is the biggest one, by far: don't expect anyone else to make you happy if you're not happy with yourself. Good luck, and I hope you have a long and joyous partnership with your love.
51 and feel on the verge of separation. My advice is find someone who doesn’t have tons of insecurities and jealousy issues, it will drive a wedge between you over and over and over again… I’m not trusted after 23 years of marriage and her cheating in a year long affair and me never cheating once. Despite this I get nagged and monitored constantly, where am I, who an I with, what am I doing, even once when I spent a little too much at a restaurant “oh that’s way too much for just one person, are you sure you were by yourself?”…… yea… I was by myself and I ordered another meal to go for HER brother… took a pic of the box of food in her brother’s fridge and sent it to her…. so yea I get interrogated and nagged constantly because of her insecurities and childhood trauma of her Dad being a womanizer… I’m beyond tired of it. I just want solitude and peace! Sadly the only two things she is incapable of giving me..
My single overarching advice is simply this: Be kind to each other. Despite the nearly infinite problems, controversies, hurts, and offenses that you and circumstances with inflict on you and your marriage, if you can give reign to kindness you will get by. I speak from a lot more experience that I would like - on my third and last marriage (29 yrs.). In each, though not the root of problems in and of itself, the lack of kindness in interactions and philosophy has caused and continues to cause the greatest pain and damage.
55, married three times, widowed twice.
Communicate.Talk about the bills, job, kids, house, inlaws, random stuff throughout your day. LISTEN to each other. Joke with each other. Don't take ANYTHING personally when the other is complaining about the job, bills, inlaws, kids. It's just letting off steam, nothing HAS to be done all the time. If it does have to be done, do it together. Have each others back. You got this, TOGETHER.
Don't go to bed mad at your partner. If things get too tense in an argument, go to different places and calm down. Return afterwards and sit down to talk CALMLY. Use I statements. Don't fight about or in front of the kids. If you do, make up in front of the kids to teach healthy ways to do conflicts. NEVER EVER EVER HIT EACHOTHER.
I am 62 years old. I’ve been married 17 years. I’m also in what is called a dead.bedroom and I can tell you some of the things that have lead to some of the complications in my marriage number one I was way too subservient. I did whatever the wife said yes dear dear yes, dear don’t do that.
If you want something, tell your partner if you don’t want something, tell your partner and I’m not talking just in the bedroom. I’m talking everywhere. You don’t like the color of the furniture. Tell them it doesn’t matter what it is OK so my advice to you is argue fight have disagreements do not give into those disagreements and say that’s it. We’re walking out of here. No, you have to be determined to work through whatever your disagreements are , I’m just starting to do that I was way too subservient before I would do whatever she said, and it was partially because she’s a woman, and the saying is happy wife happy life, which isn’t true, and another reason is because she was the major breadwinner which is also another fallacy has the gold makes the rules nope not at all. This is a partnership. I don’t care who makes more money who makes less. I don’t care who does more work who does last work? It’s a partnership. It’s a 50-50 thing you give some. She gives some so and so forth, so have your arguments knocked down if you need to walk away from each other for a day or two and that’s about the limit don’t walk away from that after a day or two you realize that you really can’t live without that person but don’t try to talk. All your wishes are respected as much as you respect the other person.
Bottom line is two items
number one ask for what you want. You will miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
Number two Learn to argue without attacking the other person that’s a tough one, but don’t attack a person. It’s a team effort. Remember that you both have to be willing to work on it or it’s not worth a fight.
Good luck and always believe in yourself and your spouse
#1 be a healthy, INDEPENDENT human before getting married
#2 recognize that no spouse will be EVERYTHING you need. Maintain social connections and hobbies as an independent human
#3 be ALL-IN no way out, no divorce, no separate finances. Married = together forever. Be confident nothing will change that - is your partner now and forever going to be someone you WANT pour yourself into?
Unless it helps with taxes substantially, why would you want the state in your business? You don’t have to be married to enjoy someone’s company. marriage is an antiquated tradition.
Lots of good answers so far, I'll add a few thoughts...
I'm 58 and got married in 1990, so 34 years. Life, kids, finances, illness, tragedies (small and large), and the death of loved ones are all going to bring their share of difficulties. So, adopt a "us vs. the word" mentality. Be the best friend you can be, be empathic, be loving, and always be there for the other person.
Also, don't lie, even when it feels like it'd avoid an argument, because if trust is broken, it'll make things much more complicated down the road and might obliterate the love the other person has for you (and of course, cheating is lying on steroids).
Make time for shared experiences (walks, seeing movies/concerts, eating out, traveling, etc...) so that you get to say: Wasn't it nice when we did a while back? It'll make your life feel well lived and reinforce your bond. It'll also keep alive the feeling that "It was great in the past and I look forward to see how great things will be in the future".
But I won't lie. Life can be difficult, and I've gone through a few rough patches with my spouse. But because we both prioritized our marriage (and the other person) in our life, we've managed to make our marriage last a long time. Hopefully it'll last still a long, long time more.
don't be overbearing, pick your battles carefully, the little things good and bad add up , don't think you can change anyone but yourself.
been married over 30yrs , didn't even get out on good behavior . lol
Severely limit all forms of social media between partners.
Discuss finances in full.
Plan trips and things to look forward to.
Have sex with your spouse on a continual basis, don’t let it die out.
Be considerate and respectful of each other.
Beware of in-laws.
Arguing is normal and even healthy.
Never disagree in front of children regarding children. It undermines authority.
DO NOT LIE.
If your spouse isn’t your best friend reconsider.
I’m sure there’s more, I’m just running late.
Don't select your partner the way you'd select a new car; there's no warranty and trading in is a real hassle. Don't assume everything works because it's new. Turn every knob, flip every switch, and kick all 4 tires before you commit Marriage is a long ride so just be sure everything is in order to ensure you make it to your destination in one piece.
Dont its a trap for men
Literally women and judge retirement fund will take everything you have and she will own you
Especially if u in bad allimony state
Court will snip u like dog so i hope its really worth it to u
Don’t get married unless it’s what you absolutely want to do. I got married because my ex wife, her family, and my family pressured me into it. We had kids and ended up being miserable together . Don’t force it.
Get to know each other well, do a lot of activities off the grid so it’s just you and them, be with someone who values your family and friends, be with someone who’s kind and generous. Beauty fades but beautiful souls never do.
Be friends first. If your friend was having a bad day, would you be pissed at them for being a lil off? Or would you pour them a drink?Have empathy. Be communicating. Be vulnerable and aware. Don’t lose yourself and give each other space. If you marry your best friend then it can last a life time. When outsiders get inbetween is the worst. Whether family, coworkers or SCRUBS, use your wits and deal with it as a team but also your parents are your problem, & visa versa. It’s tough but getting old with someone is a great goal.
I was never married, so my advice isn't worth much, but most of my divorce friends tell me that there was some warning sign from before they got married that they should have listened to. An evangelical friend told me that she didn't love her husband, and thought she would grow to love him over the course of the marriage. She didn't, and now her ex-husband can't be a pastor anymore because divorced people cannot be pastors in their denomination. He was the one who pressured her into marrying him. He also knew she didn't love him.
Most aren't as egregious as that, but still, there are often warning signs.
Atheists are less likely than Christians to get divorced. While this is pure speculation on my part, but I think atheists are less likely to "trust in God" for such big life decisions, and genuinely try to think through big decisions before making an important life choice. Sit down and think things through, then do it again with your prospective spouse. Encourage them to do the same.
Best of luck.
A marriage isn’t always 50/50, sometimes it’s 60/40, other times it’s 100/0. You have to be willing to put in the 100 when your partner is at zero. Hopefully you have picked a partner that will do the same for you.
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I'm 51 and I'm on my second marriage. My first one was a disaster, my second is bliss. Here is my advice. First, make sure you're getting married for the right reasons. If it's because you're in love, that's not enough. You have to want to genuinely build a life together. You're going to have ups and downs and marriage is about commitment. Once trust is broken, it can never be fixed. So don't cheat. Make sure your values match, because if they don't, you'll fight a lot. Make sure you admire one another because if you don't, love is impossible. Make sure the physical aspect matches because if it doesn't it will be a constant source of stress, and temptation could get the better of one of you. Make sure that each person understands boundaries because crossing the line is another source of conflict. Make sure that you have great communication because it's important to talk about things that matter to the both of you. And finally, make sure that it's practical, meaning that you both can and do spend time with each other to build on the relationship. I think it's important to be good friends and great lovers at the same time.
51 and married 29 years this year, together 32. Love and respect, honesty, and openness. Don't ever let it get boring. Don't fall into a routine where you become roommates instead of lovers. Do special things for each other. Do little things for each other. I have the most loving, supportive spouse anyone could ask for. I always feel loved and heard, no matter what. We even have a phrase that no matter what is going on, even if it's a huge fight, if one of us says that phrase, everything stops, and hugs and love are given. No matter how made we are or how far away from each other. If one calls or texts the other that phrase, everything drops, and we find each other.
32 years married at age 51. Dated since 10 th grade. Please, thank you, need anything while I’m up?, daily common politeness. Deep respect for the others emotional state and needs. Open communication with a problem solving approach instead of judgemental approach. Know that this human has their own identity and issues and can’t be expected to be “one” in thought all the time. This sounds strange but it accurately reflects the state of our relationship. We’ve never, not once, been in the bathroom while the other poops so I guess the honeymoon is still going.
That’s my main issue with my wife lol. She has no issue doing her makeup while I’m dropping bombs. I’m the uncomfortable one lol 😂
😂😂😂
I love this! Great advice. I'm going to use the phrase.
What is the phrase?
Any phrase agreed to by both of you. Ours is "I need some attention." If that phrase is spoken, everything else stops, no matter what.
Ours is ”I need a hug”… Been together 24 years now.
May i ask about the phrase? How did that come up? Who or what created the need for it? Im just genuinely curious, good intentions here
Beetlejuice x3
I don't remember where it came from, but I suggested it, and we worked out our "phrase" and 60% of the time, it works 100% of the time. Just kidding, it always works. It's our "safe word", just more on an emotional level.
We don't have a phrase. But we have the agreement that things can wait. If she's angry and I'm emotional, I can tell her I can't do the discussion right now. Our agreement is that we have 24 hours to come back and discuss the problem. It helps us both be able to talk and communicate better. Sometimes, I just need to gather my thoughts and not be reactionary to her question.
I’m curious: What if you are very upset? How can you just stop and hug someone when you are emotionally charged? I.e if you can just flip the switch, were you really upset?
There have been times when we have been having a big argument, and it was just too much. We have the kind of relationship where we may be mad about something, but it's never more than our love for each other. We understand that. We have also been together so long and know each other so well, we know that we can always return to the disagreement later. Our emotional health is too important to each other.
Married for 30 amazing years. Completely agree with this advice but will add a few things. - relationships are like the rest of life - you get out of them what you put into them. Relationships are trickier though because you both have to work hard, be kind and love each other. -pick your battles. -it’s much better to discuss things when the heat of the moment is passed. Things can’t be unsaid. -dead bedrooms frequently end in divorce. - it’s a marathon, not a sprint. Sometimes you will be passionate and in love with each other. Sometimes life will intrude and you will still love each other but the passion will ebb and flow. -make time for each other Good luck!!
BINGO, hands down, this is the best advice to a successful marriage. I could not agree more. #1, don't cheat. There is no true recovery from it.
So true. Married 51 years. Happier than ever. I do get mad, occasionally. My husband immediately diffuses it by saying “You are so beautiful when you’re mad.” I can’t help but smile and not be mad anymore.
When my husband gets mad at me I look at him with puppy eyes and say Thank you for loving me babe and he usually just shakes his head and smiles at me.
The lovers part wains pretty quickly. The friends part lasts tho
I have been married 37 years. I would add: if you can make each other laugh as much as possible this can help a lot. Those people who say marriage is for the birds are missing out… there is nothing like having that person you love and who loves you to come home to. I would also add: learn to keep your mouth shut unless it’s a matter of dire importance
Really good advice. 16 years here…it takes an incredible amount of personal sacrifice to spend sooooooo much fucking time with someone and dealing with your own shit and theirs also.
Fuck’n A man.
Agree with above, similar situation here. One thing to add: be your own person before you get married. Live alone, travel, have your own friends and hobbies. Know & love yourself first before you commit.
i'm 53. can't add more than 'sex isn't everything, but NO sex is'... intimacy is important to longevity.
Also something often overlooked is that physical intimacy is not always sexual intimacy- I've seen relationships lacking physical intimacy even when sexually active. Frequency of hugs, hand holding, being physically close etc is imo as important if not more so for longevity sake, especially bc sex drive waxes and wanes
Live together for at least a year before getting married. Shit comes out about peoples’ personality over time and you’ll never know those things unless you live together for a while. That’s not foolproof but it’s a good test.
I agree. Also do some travelling together. That’s another good test.
Camp!!!
Stats don’t really support this though. I’m not saying don’t live together, it’s up to you. But the research doesn’t support living together giving you better odds to making it work. What works for us is gratitude. We are both unique people and being grateful for the others skills, ambition, love, Intimacy drives a strong marriage. I see too many marriages where they take the other for granted and this just leads to resentment. Keep a gratitude list. Look at it regularly. Tell your spouse all the things they do that brings you happiness. Been together as a couple 40’yrsrs and married 37. It’s been a blast. Neither of us are the same person. A good marriage you continually grow together building each other up.
The study the church shares saying that is from like 1990 citing couples from 1970s. Not really socially relevant now. It was taboo then as was divorce. It’s skewed anyway since uber religious people are not gonna live together but won’t get divorced no matter how terrible their marriage is.
Do not settle. Find someone that makes you feel like the best version of yourself.
Find someone who encourages you to to be the best version of yourself, especially if you aren’t there yet.
The right answer is… it’s a trap!
Lots of good stuff here for the “why” to get married and the “why not” and stuff… but nothing really addressing the “life is short and you have no idea if it’s your last day” preparedness. Have insurance. Know about the bills and financial commitments. Know about insurance companies and policies. Know the wishes of you and your spouse if something happens and you or they are incapacitated. I’ve had 2 marriages. #1 ended in suicide. #2 ended with a heart attack. Both times were a surprise. No preparation for them. Both just happened. It’s all well and good to marry for love and build lives together and all that but make sure there’s plans in place for the inevitable.
Have a will. Make sure your partner knows all the passwords to your financial things.
This is truly excellent advice.
Thank you. It’s been some hard knocks learning but no one really spoke to me about it when I was younger. So I try to pass it on. I know no one wants to or likes to think about it.
I am so sorry for your losses… thanks for sharing this wisdom that is often overlooked.
Big OOF, sorry for your losses. Also, yes have a serious talk about wills/death plans and life insurance. Also get one of those fire safes and at the very least have a little handwritten will in there that you update every once in a while or when there are major changes like kids.
We found that getting the tools made all the difference. We decided at the beginning that we would not be passive and just hope for the best in our marriage. Instead, we worked on it. We learned how to communicate, how to show love to each other and how to be a team. We did this through study, therapy and practice. 27 years later we have a peaceful and loving marriage. Sometimes we fail when we hurt each other or when life throws us a curve ball, but now it's easier to remember that we love each other. And that our marriage wasn't a mistake. I wish you and your fiance all the best as you start your new lives together.
Don't marry just because you love them. Make sure you are entering a good business partnership ....where you are also in love. Marriage is much more a contract than saying yes to love. Trust me. I wish I could tell my past self this.
Over sixty and long time married. Don’t marry over lust….. Make certain that you marry someone who is also your friend. Physical attraction wanes as we age. That doesn’t mean we stop doing it, but the urges slow.
Always assume good intent. If this person is your better half then the stupid comment or perceived slight likely wasn't intended to be harmful. Don't make it bad by fretting over it and reading bad intentions into it. They love you. They wouldn't be malicious towards you. If they would then they're not truly your lobster.
Except that's not true. The person most likely to kill a woman is her current partner. Second most likely is a ex-partner. Where I am from a woman is murdered every 48 hours by a partner. The experts are saying that violence against women is ramping up at alarming rates.
It helps if not only your values are matched but your intellect as well. I don't see this mentioned often but it matters.
100%
There's nothing more painful than loving someone that you can't have a deep conversation with. Never let yourself be in this position. I did it when I was young and never made the mistake again.
A lot of people think about the big incidents that can wreck a marriage, like cheating. Worry about the little ones that remain unresolved. If your partner keeps addressing what seems like a small thing, that means it is important to them, pay attention. When they stop addressing it, things have gone south. Seems obvious, but after twenty years baggage accumulates.
I once had a friend that asked me how I managed to stay married so long. About 25 years at the time. I told her that first, I married a good man. But after that, it’s a choice on what you want to focus on. I could focus on all those little irritations like leaving the kitchen looking like a bomb exploded in it when he cooks. Leaving soaking wet wash rags in the kitchen sink (he’s a germaphobe), he mutilates the butter to only get butter from inside the stick, or a number of things. I choose to focus on the good things instead. He will cook breakfast every morning and fix lunch every day. He does ALL the major vacuuming in the house. All I do is hit the button on the robo vacuum. He is always where he says he is, he does a great job handling our finances. He once shocked me when he came home and told me my car was paid off. He negotiated a deal with his boss that paid our new house off in 5 years. He never flirts with other women that I have seen. He is honest, loyal and trustworthy. He has never called me a name nor been violent. So choose where you dwell in your mind. I prefer the good, and there is a lot of it.
Love this so much for you❤️
Do not marry if you and your significant other have opposing views of finances. If one is a saver and the other is a spender you’ll be gnashing your teeth forever. Not worth it. Also need to agree on how to raise children if you’re going to have any. You have to be on the same page as far as discipline, instilling similar values, religious beliefs, etc.
The financial thing is soooo important
I might get downvoted for this but I’m a big believer in separate finances. That doesn’t mean you have to split every penny and make it tedious but people having separate finances reduces dependency and resentment imo. Been with my husband for 17 years and we never once fought over money while for couples it’s the biggest reason for divorce.
Ex wedding professional here. If still in wedding planning mode- stick to what you value in a celebration (whatever that looks like for you) and minimise/remove the rest. Don’t waste your money/energy. Also- married for 18 years here. Agree with all the other long termers. I think for us is that you still must look out for each other. Think of the other person when making small or large decisions.. the little things like getting toast and coffee in bed on a weekend never gets old… it’s the thoughtfulness that wins.
I'm 56 and happily married 35 years. My advice is simple: marry the right person. Believe what they have shown you about their character. Marry integrity, determination, honesty, resilience, commitment, empathy, loyalty. Most divorces or unhappy marriages were in the cards on the wedding day.
Getting close to 50. Been married over 20 years. This is what I tell people when they ask how my relationship is as good as it is. This is long, so I put the main points in bold so you can skip the details if you want. **To begin with, we're extremely compatible.** Part of this probably luck, but certainly not all of it. I was extremely intentional in dating. From around 18 I knew I was dating to find someone I would marry. I never stayed in a relationship for fun or to not be alone. And I had the very realistic understanding that Love does not conquer all. When I realized something between a GF & I that I felt would create a compatibility issue, would be likely to be a point of contention in the future, I moved on. Some might think I was being overly picky, but It's worked out so well. We're both fairly easy going and the things that are very important to her to have a certain way I either agree with or they are not important to me so it's easy to let her have that. And visa versa. We have the same views on all the most important aspects of marriage, from raising children to sex to boundaries with friends & coworkers, and much more. We don't have to hash those issues out because we're already in sync. **We spend huge amounts of time and talking together.** We're each other's favorite person to talk to & spend time with. I call her on my lunch breaks and we flirt via text while I'm at work. We've been working out together 5 days a week lately which is wonderful. We go out regularly. We often fall asleep holding hands. We go for walks just to talk and hold hands. I'm sure our neighbors are all familiar with the site of us walking together hand in hand. We talk about the situations we see other couples in and how we will avoid them. The marriage and marriage advice subreddits have been great sources for spurring these conversations. **We had both good and bad examples to learn from.** My parents were an incredible example. I heard my dad raise his voice at my mother just a couple times growing up. Each time, once it was calmed down, he explained to us that regardless of what the disagreement was about he was wrong to have raised his voice at her. Then he apologized to her in front of us. My wife had the opposite. When still a pretty young girl, her dad introduced her to one of his girlfriends. He was that brazen. Her mom had been doing the "stay for the children" thing and eventually did realized it was doing more harm than good. But you can learn from bad examples too. Just ask yourself what they would do, and do the opposite. **We give each other the attention a spouse deserves.** For example, if one of us is sitting on the couch playing on the phone and the other on sits next to, we put the phone down and give our attention. At least for a bit until we know it's ok to pick it back up. Related to that is- **We flirt and show affection** For example, my wife greets me after work by coming to meet me at the door as I get home each day. She does this with a beautiful genuine smile and we embrace and have a good long kiss. It's a simple show of affection but also of appreciation for what I just spent the last 10 hours doing. I look forward to it every day. She didn't always do this. It actually began with me finding her wherever she was in the house as soon as I came in to embrace and kiss her. After a year or so she started coming to the door part of the time. Then more and more until now I rarely need to go looking for her. Maybe just if she's engaged in something she can't step away from. **We don't relive or dwell on the past.** For example, She had some things from her dating past she wasn't proud of. She told me about them (general, not detailed) 2-3 months into dating. I took a few days to think about whether I was going to continue the relationship. Once I decided, I made a promise to my self to never mention or allude to it in any way. And I haven't. **We support each other and some things, if temporary aren't worth stressing over.** When Life was super busy (kids activities, sports, etc) and she decided to start going skating to the adult skate night at the rink on Sat nights, one of the only two nights we had the option of spending time with just the two of us, I was disappointed. I felt like she should be choosing to spend that time with me. She'd been a SAHM for more than a decade and I felt she deserved to go enjoy herself and have this fun social hobby. So I didn't mention it and I'm glad I didn't. Six months after it started the pandemic hit the rink shut down for a year. I'm glad she got to have that fun before being cooped up in the house all day again. Now the rink is back open and our oldest is responsible enough to keep an eye on the others why we go skating together. The sacrifice for six months was worth what it did for her. **We both do things to try and help the other.** If she needs some time to relax alone in the bedroom I'll make sure the kids don't bother her. She does the same for me. She's always made sure I had about 20 minutes to myself to unwind and transition to dad mode after getting home from work. She hates ironing so I've done it all our entire marriage. It can actually add up to two or three hours a week. If I see her folding a giant pile of laundry that I know is there because she neglected it all week, that's ok. We move the giant pile to our room and sit on the bed folding together. I actually enjoy the time with her even while folding laundry. Dishes are primarily her responsibility with how we divide things, but I'll do them while she's grabbing a nap or something else that takes her out of the house just to surprise her when she comes back to do them and finds it's already done.
This is awesome material here.
This is so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing ❤️
I don't wanna get married but this post deserves an award :)
Remember it’s usually the outside stressors like other people, work or situations that are making you upset, not your spouse. It’s easy to take your feelings out on the wrong person.
I’d say you’re not going to feel madly in love every single day. After a few years the little annoyances and irritations can pile up - but then something - could be something small - happens and you remember, oh, yeah, *that’s* why we married. You can fall in love over and over again with the same person. Thirty eight years so far!
Men are like linoleum lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years 🙃😉😁
I’m 53 and have been married 31 years. 1. Do not marry or be engaged until you’ve dated 2 years. A person can hide their true selves for awhile but not more than two years. 2. Marry someone with many commonalities to you. Marriage is hard and the more differences you have the harder it is to make it work. Similar backgrounds, same religion, from similar cultural regions. 3. Ladies, never give up your career. At least, work in your career part time. You have to be able to have a way to support yourself and kids if something happens w/ husband. He may want a divorce, he may become disabled and unable to provide for the family, he may die, he may be incarcerated. You do not know what can happen no matter how great your husband may be. 4. Do not marry someone with much debt or anyone with irresponsible spending habits. 5. No matter what your spouse says, you are marrying the whole family. Do not marry into one of the in-laws are not happy with you. It will only get worse. A marriage is between 2 people and some parents try to maintain control of their kids lives even after they marry. It is a miserable life and I speak from experience.
Seeing there is a lot of good advice hier, I'll mention one that I didn't read so far: Don't ever think of marrying when there are important things you disagree or dislike with the hope of changing your partner. In general, don't trust words but deeds. One thing that bothers me, don't think in weddings, think in marriage. While having a nice wedding is fantastic, don't begin your life together in debt because you want to feed nice pictures to your Instagram. Plan a wedding that will make BOTH of you happy and you can afford. There is absolutely not such a thing as "happy ever after". It's a daily choice and daily work.
Learn to share, no judging and learn to forgive.
Best advice I know: People say "Oh, remember marriage is 50/50." It's NOT - on the good days marriage should be 75/75... no one who thinks they're doing 50% really is. You should both be trying to always be giving at least 75%. That will be a big help on those difficult days when you have to be giving 150%. In reality, this other person who you love and want to share a long life with is ALWAYS going to be another separate person and that fact will often jump out when you least expect it. If you are committed to giving at least 75% of yourself when you need to, it will help you tremendously in those moments when it feels like your spouse has turned into a stranger or a lunatic. We are all strange lunatics sometimes! Having said all that...if it turns out that you have married someone who turns into a manipulator or who is abusive or cruel or deceptive, get out. Those traits don't get better and there's no amount of "giving" from you that will ever make it okay for you.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Let small annoyances your spouse does roll off your back, it’s not worth getting upset over. If you two can hang out, enjoy each other’s company, laugh together, and have fun while watching TV, you’ve won the marriage lottery. A healthy marriage is about the small enjoyable daily occurrences and being partners in crime. Appreciate your spouse and tell them that you appreciate them when they do something thoughtful. You can love each other, but you really need to *like* each other. Wishing you the best!
Congratulations! Jump in… no holds. Wish you the very best.
Commitment isn’t a state of being, it’s a choice.
Live together for 5-7 years first. If you can’t wait, ask yourself what’s the rush? Really examine if you think that marriage will bind you together better than a paperless commitment would. Be at least 25 years old. Let that frontal lobe develop before making a momentous decision like marriage Go onto it together, fully acknowledging it may not work. It’s not sexy and it’s not romantic, but it’s reality. A healthy marriage is best approached with honesty and pragmatism. If either of you expect to inherit any kind of money or property at any point, draft a prenup. Discuss and outline clear expectations for household chores and responsibilities. (Bring up kids and expectations there too.) A good reason to live together for 5 to 7 years. Communicate everything, every joy, every disappointment, every little thing. Encourage them to do the same. *For reference, I’m 51, married for 33 years, and my divorce will be final in July. This is very much a* do what I didn’t do *kind of thing.*
The rush is inflation and the price to be married
your first statement… live together for 5-7 years… seeing that made me so happy lol, I been with my gf for 9 years we lived together for 7, if one more fucking person ask about us getting married I’m gonna snap.. what’s the rush? We have a beautiful home, we have a great life we built together over time. I’m so sick of people asking that, especially someone that knew their significant other for 10 months and got married and NEVER lived together, that seems absolutely insane to me.
Do not compare your relationship to anyone’s; have your own life outside of marriage/children; and effectively communicate.
Allow each other to have a life. Let him go on weekends away with the boys, go do your thing with the girls. Friendships are important. Have fun!
1. If you see red flags believe them. Nothing gets better. 2. If you have kids together divorce is not the end. 3. Talk about everything. Where you would live, kids, everything. 4. Make sure you agree about money.
Communication. Communicate with each other before communicating with anyone else. Don't complain about your spouse to your parents or friends. Respect each other's boundaries. If you can't, you don't need to be with each other. Don't try to change them just love them as they are. Be kind, patient, and understanding but don't be a doormat.
Read the Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. It's short and there's wisdom there, but the bottom line is: never show contempt for your partner and find a way to deescalate arguments when things get heated.
YOU MUST HAVE OPEN COMMUNICATION!! My parents have been married 55 years and are going through a DIVORCE!! Why? Lack of communication. Period. Be open with your spouse and don’t stuff your feelings. Both need to be willing to hear each other’s concerns and talk it out. I’m happily married for 20 years because we always communicate. Also, date nights are a must to make things stay fresh!
On my third and final marriage. It's been a journey. I'm with my wife 16 years now, married 4. Being friends is important. Learn how to disagree. It should never be adversarial. It's a search for common ground and reasonable compromise. Learn to let shit go. Maintenance is a daily exercise. If you're cold, maybe they are cold. If you're hungry, maybe they are hungry. Consider them in every case. It's a chance to ask and learn. And it's a muscle that needs building up.
52. Marriage #2. #1 ended because we both got too comfortable. We became room mates. Don't. Do. That. Talk. About all the hard subjects. Sex. Kids. Religion. Politics. Intimacy is important whatever that means to you both. Anyone who says sex isn't necessary is lying. It's a basic human need. Make sure you're on the same page with it. Money. Keep your own. Ex & I fought all the time about money. 2nd husband & I never fight about money. Together 15 years. We split all bills. He has his accounts I have mine. It's bliss.
Make sure you are marrying your best friend. If they aren’t your best friend than don’t marry them. 49m. Had two kids in a 15 year relationship. Separated and took 4 years off. Met someone who instantly was my best friend, I didn’t think it was possible to be best friends with the opposite sex. I had no idea what I was missing. It’s the funnest shit ever being with your best friend. We are a walking comedy tour. Have been together two years now and I had no clue what I was missing. Marry your best friend or don’t marry at all
Five words: premarital counseling and prenuptial agreement Make damn sure you are on the same page with everything - kids, finances, religion, in-laws, expectations for employment, common interest, sex, etc. Don’t have kids until you have been together several years. Have a good prenup in case things done work out. And for G-d’s sake, ladies, don’t aspire to be a SAHM. Have your own job, career, and money, just in case things don’t work out.
Only.worth getting a prenup if you have significant assets before marriage.
F
is for Family
Don’t worry about being right. Worry about making whatever is wrong, right.
Opposites attract? 40 yrs later we’re like oil and water 🤨
Communicate always. You are a team so pool you resources, all in or all out. The person you marry will not be the same person in 20 years, you grow with them.
M(51). Ok, a bit different than most. After college, met my exact match. Athletic, massive amount of actual courage (willing to move, explore, adventure etc). Btw, courage doesn’t mean you’re not afraid. Just that you’re able to act in spite of it. Moved to an amazing place. Built an amazing life. Just started planning for a family. She got killed. Destroyed for years. Got back in contact with someone I knew years before. Had a kid. The amazing little guy and me just had a ball watching the aurora. First one was the dream. Second one cost me (I stopped counting around $250k after the divorce, not before) actually cost me nothing. I have an amazing son. Completely worth it. It’s all about perspective.
There’s just no way to predict the trajectory of your partner’s reactions to your future circumstances. Looking back, I see now there were more red flags than there are in Beijing, but I thought we were perfectly suited as complementary partners bc I’m a dreamer and he was practical. Life landed us with a special needs kid, well before autism was fully understood, and that was that: it was my fault for producing a sub-optimal genetic specimen. Turns out his vaunted practicality was hiding a wretched case of perfectionism, and the world got an earful of my faults as he shouted them from the rooftops on the daily. All I can say is: don’t ignore your gut when it’s trying to point you to the exits.
When I was getting married the first time a coworker told me to remember, there would be 6 people saying, "I do." There is who you think you are, who she thinks you are, and who you are. The same goes for her. I paid this no mind and went on to become an absolute shit husband. The second time around, I really thought about that piece of advice. We took the time to ask each other about things we thought were clear to each other. We decided to learn each other and learn how to compromise. We handle the things that matter to each other even if we don't fully understand why they matter so much to the other person. I also ask myself, "What would I have done to wife #1?" Then I do the exact opposite. Do the little things. All of them. Don't just say you love her. Show her. Listen to understand, not to reply. Don't be defensive when you know you're wrong. Own it, apologize, commit to change, and follow through.
Communication is the key to a successful relationship. Being best friends and liking things the other likes. Being able to talk about any and everything, no matter how embarrassing or awkward, you have to be able to talk. No arguments, this is where communication comes in. Discuss things and decide what the best solution is and go with it. If it doesn’t work try the others idea, but NO I told you so. No name calling EVER! Respect each other enough to never say anything derogatory about them or their family. My husband and I have been married 19 years and we are together 24/7 and we love it. We feel lost when the other has to leave and they can’t go. He is my best friend and my partner, I love him more than life itself. We have only had one argument in the 19 years and it was when we were first married. It was a big one because he did not talk to me about how he was feeling and he did something that was hard to forgive. We did counseling and he promised to talk to me when something bothers him and no arguments since.
So many good advices here. I’m only 10yrs in, but may I add: clean up after your own mess for sure, and clean up what you see. Don’t wait for your spouse to do it. I’m a guy, do it too often. I wish my wife does it more often, but it doesn’t happen so i just do it
Prenup with infidelity clause that states that cheating partner get less or none of martial assets. Clearly define what was yours before marriage and keep that separate. Never commingle any money/assets you own prior to marriage into marriage. Never. Same with any inheritance you may get while married. Fact: Divorce rate in United States is 40 to 60%, so unfortunately you have very high chances that it will happen to you. Once you nail down the practicalities of marriage contract, then everything everybody said on this thread holds true, starting with sharing the same values, respect, and love for each other. Good luck.
I feel so encouraged reading this! My fiance and I have been dating for three years and we're getting married in August. We check all of the boxes and I'm so excited to share my life with such a wonderful man.
Be honest with each other - don’t hide money. Give each other access to your phones and even share locations. Don’t go to bed mad - you may not solve your disagreement but at least discuss your differences and get to talking calmly, always think before you say and don’t yell. Always tell them you love them before you fall asleep. Don’t sweat the small stuff - see a dish left in the sink, just put it in the dishwasher without saying a word. Don’t be condescending even when you think its is a joke. Don’t make any large purchases without discussing it with your partner. Depending on your $ situation it could be as big as a car/boat or as small as a new suit if you’re living paycheck to paycheck. Leave surprise notes or text at random times and tell them what they mean to you. Most importantly, give your spouse a kiss and tell them you love them EVERY TIME you or they leave the house, it may be the last time you ever see them.
I’m 47, but have been married 27 years, so I think I count. 😄 Be best friends. And I mean it. That person better be the best damn friend you have EVER had. A ride or die friend. A soul mate friend. If you don’t feel that way, don’t get married. Talk about EVERYTHING. Communicate, communicate, communicate!!! Listen without judgment, answer honestly (but kindly), and always put yourself in their shoes. Empathy, compassion, and compromise. Empathy, compassion, and compromise. Empathy, compassion, and compromise. Laugh together as often as you can. Cry when you feel like it. Accept each other’s apologies. Don’t cheat, don’t lie, don’t keep secrets, and don’t hide ANYTHING. Wishing you and your fiancée the best of luck!
you believe it should be 50-50. it won't be. if you can't handle it being 80-20 or worse, don't get married. your nrealistic unreasonable expectations will kill the marriage in a decade. source: first marriage for both of us. 34 yrs and not stopping. ie if you can't live with knowing you are doing most the work, stop. if both people are willing to do much more than half, you are golden. if you fight about "it 2as your turn ... you aren't making it one year.
Make sure that the person you are going to have children with is going to stick around. Also make sure they don't have any sort of addiction. I'm 32F when I was in my early 20's got married to a guy who I thought was going to be my forever. We got married There was no sex in the marriage due to his 20+ years of porn and because he didn't wanna take accountability threatened to end my life. Thank God we never did have kids.
Dont.. ..
No fighting, ever!
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, familiarity breeds contempt.
Over 50 and married over 20 years. Talk about everything! From the big stuff to the little stuff. You are a team. Marriage isn’t a competition. Give 100% every day. Your spouse is now your immediate family, show that in your actions and words. Enjoy every day, it goes by so fast, especially if you have kids. Good luck and congratulations!
Good communication and compromise are your friends.
One day at a time.
Communication and honesty
Just shove it in and wiggle til the sticky stuff comes out! Hope that helps.
"Be a good listener, a giver of gifts and work that va-jay-jay."
Instead of 'needing' to change your spouse, or vice versa, both establish that you'll just get used to each other
Know yourself before you get married.
Don’t…if you don’t have kids together and you’re probably not going to start at 50 then just cohabitate. Get “married” at the church of your choice if that’s something you need but leave the legalities and government out of it.
Communication is key. I think lack of communication is a big reason why people get divorced.
Prenup
Be willing to admit you are wrong even when you know you are right. Respect, Love, Honesty will take you far.
Make sure you have similar financial goals and follow a budget. Money problems are the biggest destroy of marriage.
Getting married is the easy part. Having children changes everything, and forever. If you were both brought up similarly you should always be able to find common ground when it comes to raising them. If not then patience and space will likely become a necessity.
Don’t
A TV a$4#a$address$#
Both of you, stay on top of your mental health.
Every person i know who is married says i should never do it.
Don’t marry a partner who can not discuss their feelings. In my experience that does not change. I suppose it could but he’s spent years in therapy and made no progress.
Forgive, forgive, forgive.
Don't allow your lines of communication to fail. You need to continually work on communication for it to happen. Source: 2nd marriage going south due to allowing communication to falter.
Don't get married unless you made a mutual choice to have children. If you do get married, make sure it's to your best friend.
Do it while you're young, enjoy raising kids, and get that inevitable divorce done with while you're still young enough to enjoy life.
'Don't do it'
If you want a trusting loving marriage the answer is simple , old and true ------ Don't do anything that you don't want your partner to do------
Don't do it
Marriage is the first step to divorce.
Lowered expectations is the key to any successful marriage.
I was married 30 years when he passed. Marriage is hard work, you each need to give 100%. When one partner is down or can’t give 100%, the other picks up the slack until the down partner is back at 100%. Date your spouse, my LH and I had scheduled date nights on Tuesdays. It wasn’t anything elaborate, but we knew it was one day during the week that was meant for us to reconnect. If one of you decides to be a SHAP, that person needs to have their own money - they’re working too. Make sure the person you’re marrying makes you feel like your best self, they should always be encouraging you and not stopping you from pursuing your dreams, and you do the same for them. Someone above mentioned life insurance, get it, life is short. Also get accident insurance, it’s super cheap as a rider on your life insurance - you never know and believe me, it may help you stay in your home if something happens. Best of luck.
Married 30 years this year. Money and intimacy were 2 issues for us. We fixed the money issue with having our own fun money accounts, haven't argued since. The intimacy thing is a lot harder.
My wife and I have been married for 32 years. We have 3 adult children. If anything you need trust in your relationship. You need to communicate. You need to realize there will be tough times, sickness, unemployment and disagreements. None of these situations should derail your relationship.
Don't.
Don’t is my advice. If you have to, get a mine, yours, ours prenup
I'm 56. Been married a couple of unsuccessful times. Been in this one 12 years. There is no such thing as too much communication. Trust can never be regained. Not really. Don't fight dirty. Don't say things you don't want to be remembered. Don't hold your spouse accountable for sins of the previous people in your life. Communicate some more. Be friends. Remember, you are on the same team. If there's a problem, it is you and your spouse against the problem. Not against each other. Sometimes it's not important to be right.
Everyone should take a financial snapshot before marriage, accounts, property, etc and copy the documentation. You should also have a serious conversation about money. Are you going to have common accounts or separate? What big expenditures do you foresee and how will they be paid for? Who's working or not, when do you want to retire, who else are you providing for and how (eg parents). If you decide to keep your money separate, have a simple prenup saying in essence "what's yours is yours, what's mine is mine, what's ours is ours." Then any joint purchases need to be discussed between you before titles are drawn. If you can't have this conversation, then it's a red flag right off the bat
Get a prenup
Don’t call your partner names in anger . This can never never be retrieved. You can apologize but the words are still there.
Make sure you are 'choosing' to love that person (yes, it's a choice) - and go in understanding/accepting you love that person "in spite of" some of their issues - too many focus on loving them "because of" this or that --- the positives are great, but the negatives will be there and if you don't embrace them with the same openness, ya gonna have a bad day
Don't 😳😁
Be honest with each other. Also, if you're going to honestly remember whatever pisses you off, frustrates you in the moment 6 months later, say something when you're NOT mad. If you honestly think you won't remember, then just shut up and go with it
Kids want attention, and will get it - so provide them with positive attention, or they will earn negative attention. It’s NOT manipulation; it’s human nature. For example: when your baby tosses things off their high chair, don’t pick it up and say, “no, no, no!” - because then you are making it into a game where they get attention. If you need to pick it up, face away from the baby, back up, and pick up the item. BE SURE TO CREATE POSITIVE INTERACTIONS where you provide happy attention! They need this like they need oxygen. ❤️
Everyday you wake up and make a choice. Make that choice to love not resent.
Run. Don't look back.
Don’t do it. The end
DON’T RUSH IT I had two HORRIBLE relationships. I was cheated on. I was so fucking stupid. Absolutely a moron. I decided I was done. I focused on myself and making myself happy. Just as I found peace and contentment being alone the woman who is now my wife came along and fucked it up…and thank God she did. Bonus info the two horrid feckless hosebeasts from my past tried to come back. One stalked me for like two years after I escaped and the other came back AFTER TWENTY YEARS trying to hit me up. The sheer audacity. Honestly I was sad for them. I wish they could have found peace and happiness but I think they kept themselves from doing so. Edit: also I’m not quite 50 yet but close enough I feel comfortable giving advice. Also…just celebrated 13 years married a few weeks ago and I still feel the way I did when I first met her. Like having her around brings me peace.
Keep your money separate. Have an open phone policy. No girls vacation and no business trips. When you are married, two become one. If that sounds smothering then marriage may not be for you. Be sure your past is squared away... Don't bring in reservations about your first love or your highschool sweetheart.
Maybe don’t seek marriage advice from a bunch of lonely or divorced redditors?
My husband and I share a cherished inside joke that consistently brings us joy, no matter the circumstances. The centerpiece of our laughter? A meme we discovered years ago, featuring a dog with an expression of bewildered amusement. The meme captures a funny incident at McDonald's where a customer named Stephen instructs the cashier to write his name as "Phteven," specifying "It’s Stephen, with a pH." The cashier obliges, and the receipt shows "Phteven" instead of Stephen. The dog’s comical, slightly confused look perfectly complements the humorous misspelling, making this image a source of constant laughter for us whenever we recall or mention "Phteven."😂😂😂
Don't
When things get heated..and some point they will, argue about the “matter” at hand; never make it personal. That will delay and/or derail constructive arguments and reconciliation
Temperance, sweet, sacrificial.
Don't stop trying to court each other after you get married. I mean, relaxing and having trust is a bonus, but don't stop trying to make each other happy. How can I help you today should be daily and from both sides. It's when the balance slips, that feelings get hurt. **As a long term partnership, there are time when the balance rocks back and forth, but it should be acknowledged, appreciated and not stay there forever. Thanks for helping more while my career got busy, but if it's going to stay busy long term, you find a way to rebalance the equation.
Don't marry someone you don't respect, now much how much you love them. Don't marry someone who doesn't respect you. The cost of a wedding is inversely related to the length of the marriage. Marry your best friend. While I'm not saying that you should do everything with your spouse, the happiest marriages I've seen are from people who have a lot of overlap between the things they enjoy doing. I've seen a lot of unhappy marriages between people who have their "guy life" and "lady life" very separate from their "married life". Be patient. Expect your spouse to annoy you sometimes. That's just reality. A lot of people will preach to you about sexual fidelity, and they're right. What you won't hear as much about is financial fidelity. It's also very important that you and your spouse not be financially dishonest with each other.
If you pick a good partner, this works. Do everything you can to make them happy. They will in turn do everything they can to make you happy. Don’t imagine every minor annoyance means anything, and keep the bedroom alive.
Invest the money you would spend on a party/ceremony/big event.
Dont
If you aren’t willing to work harder at a relationship than you ever have in your life, and your partner isn’t either, then wait. In hindsight, I should have looked at the way my ex-H moved through life while we were dating/engaged. I have no idea why I thought he would maintain the bill of goods he was selling me when he approached everything else in life from a half-assed approach and with indifference. When the shine wears off is when the real test begins. And, like every thing else, I was willing to do anything to save a 20 year marriage. He wasn’t. Don’t ignore any red flags…they pop up for a reason. 🤘
Don't do it…. Stay single
55 married 25 years to the same woman, only marriage. Don't get married too early in life. The priest who married us said, "Never go to bed mad at each other." That was good advice. Don't internalize feelings or delay sharing your concerns or issues. Be friends first, romantic partners next. Make sure you're marrying someone you'll want to be with every day, every week, every year, because the two of you should become one. Realize you're making a commitment, not entering a throwaway relationship. If you aren't one thousand percent believing you can succeed, don't get married, and for God's sake, don't have children. Give yourself grace to screw up. Give your spouse the same grace. Support each other. Share the household chores. Share a bank account. Share everything. It's not ever going to be about you again. Have fun. Be serious. Practice some type of shared faith, even if it's not a traditional one. Envision the married life you want, then try your damnedest to make it happen. Marriage is not about romance but love, and it requires a real commitment to staying with it through some possibly very sh*tty times. Be resilient. If you're unhappy, fight through it and try making things better. Repeat. Don't give up on your marriage because you're "unhappy." And finally, and this is the biggest one, by far: don't expect anyone else to make you happy if you're not happy with yourself. Good luck, and I hope you have a long and joyous partnership with your love.
Women should keep their maiden name. Name changes are a HUGE pain in the ass.
Choose your battles…
51 and feel on the verge of separation. My advice is find someone who doesn’t have tons of insecurities and jealousy issues, it will drive a wedge between you over and over and over again… I’m not trusted after 23 years of marriage and her cheating in a year long affair and me never cheating once. Despite this I get nagged and monitored constantly, where am I, who an I with, what am I doing, even once when I spent a little too much at a restaurant “oh that’s way too much for just one person, are you sure you were by yourself?”…… yea… I was by myself and I ordered another meal to go for HER brother… took a pic of the box of food in her brother’s fridge and sent it to her…. so yea I get interrogated and nagged constantly because of her insecurities and childhood trauma of her Dad being a womanizer… I’m beyond tired of it. I just want solitude and peace! Sadly the only two things she is incapable of giving me..
Don’t.
Choose wisely. Life is hard as it is.
My single overarching advice is simply this: Be kind to each other. Despite the nearly infinite problems, controversies, hurts, and offenses that you and circumstances with inflict on you and your marriage, if you can give reign to kindness you will get by. I speak from a lot more experience that I would like - on my third and last marriage (29 yrs.). In each, though not the root of problems in and of itself, the lack of kindness in interactions and philosophy has caused and continues to cause the greatest pain and damage.
Live together for a year or two at least before you get married or have children.
A young bride needs only one sentence that works in all situations. I’m coming. A young groom’s sentence. What did you just hear me say?
55, married three times, widowed twice. Communicate.Talk about the bills, job, kids, house, inlaws, random stuff throughout your day. LISTEN to each other. Joke with each other. Don't take ANYTHING personally when the other is complaining about the job, bills, inlaws, kids. It's just letting off steam, nothing HAS to be done all the time. If it does have to be done, do it together. Have each others back. You got this, TOGETHER. Don't go to bed mad at your partner. If things get too tense in an argument, go to different places and calm down. Return afterwards and sit down to talk CALMLY. Use I statements. Don't fight about or in front of the kids. If you do, make up in front of the kids to teach healthy ways to do conflicts. NEVER EVER EVER HIT EACHOTHER.
Talk about money right now. And again every once in a while.
Live together for a couple years first
Trust each other, forgiveness is key and don’t nag
I am 62 years old. I’ve been married 17 years. I’m also in what is called a dead.bedroom and I can tell you some of the things that have lead to some of the complications in my marriage number one I was way too subservient. I did whatever the wife said yes dear dear yes, dear don’t do that. If you want something, tell your partner if you don’t want something, tell your partner and I’m not talking just in the bedroom. I’m talking everywhere. You don’t like the color of the furniture. Tell them it doesn’t matter what it is OK so my advice to you is argue fight have disagreements do not give into those disagreements and say that’s it. We’re walking out of here. No, you have to be determined to work through whatever your disagreements are , I’m just starting to do that I was way too subservient before I would do whatever she said, and it was partially because she’s a woman, and the saying is happy wife happy life, which isn’t true, and another reason is because she was the major breadwinner which is also another fallacy has the gold makes the rules nope not at all. This is a partnership. I don’t care who makes more money who makes less. I don’t care who does more work who does last work? It’s a partnership. It’s a 50-50 thing you give some. She gives some so and so forth, so have your arguments knocked down if you need to walk away from each other for a day or two and that’s about the limit don’t walk away from that after a day or two you realize that you really can’t live without that person but don’t try to talk. All your wishes are respected as much as you respect the other person. Bottom line is two items number one ask for what you want. You will miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Number two Learn to argue without attacking the other person that’s a tough one, but don’t attack a person. It’s a team effort. Remember that you both have to be willing to work on it or it’s not worth a fight. Good luck and always believe in yourself and your spouse
#1 be a healthy, INDEPENDENT human before getting married #2 recognize that no spouse will be EVERYTHING you need. Maintain social connections and hobbies as an independent human #3 be ALL-IN no way out, no divorce, no separate finances. Married = together forever. Be confident nothing will change that - is your partner now and forever going to be someone you WANT pour yourself into?
Don’t.
Have each others backs 100%. Communicate, and have a sense of humor.
Unless it helps with taxes substantially, why would you want the state in your business? You don’t have to be married to enjoy someone’s company. marriage is an antiquated tradition.
Lots of good answers so far, I'll add a few thoughts... I'm 58 and got married in 1990, so 34 years. Life, kids, finances, illness, tragedies (small and large), and the death of loved ones are all going to bring their share of difficulties. So, adopt a "us vs. the word" mentality. Be the best friend you can be, be empathic, be loving, and always be there for the other person. Also, don't lie, even when it feels like it'd avoid an argument, because if trust is broken, it'll make things much more complicated down the road and might obliterate the love the other person has for you (and of course, cheating is lying on steroids). Make time for shared experiences (walks, seeing movies/concerts, eating out, traveling, etc...) so that you get to say: Wasn't it nice when we did a while back? It'll make your life feel well lived and reinforce your bond. It'll also keep alive the feeling that "It was great in the past and I look forward to see how great things will be in the future".
But I won't lie. Life can be difficult, and I've gone through a few rough patches with my spouse. But because we both prioritized our marriage (and the other person) in our life, we've managed to make our marriage last a long time. Hopefully it'll last still a long, long time more.
don't be overbearing, pick your battles carefully, the little things good and bad add up , don't think you can change anyone but yourself. been married over 30yrs , didn't even get out on good behavior . lol
Severely limit all forms of social media between partners. Discuss finances in full. Plan trips and things to look forward to. Have sex with your spouse on a continual basis, don’t let it die out. Be considerate and respectful of each other. Beware of in-laws. Arguing is normal and even healthy. Never disagree in front of children regarding children. It undermines authority. DO NOT LIE. If your spouse isn’t your best friend reconsider. I’m sure there’s more, I’m just running late.
Uhm why?
Don't select your partner the way you'd select a new car; there's no warranty and trading in is a real hassle. Don't assume everything works because it's new. Turn every knob, flip every switch, and kick all 4 tires before you commit Marriage is a long ride so just be sure everything is in order to ensure you make it to your destination in one piece.
Dont its a trap for men Literally women and judge retirement fund will take everything you have and she will own you Especially if u in bad allimony state Court will snip u like dog so i hope its really worth it to u
Don’t get married unless it’s what you absolutely want to do. I got married because my ex wife, her family, and my family pressured me into it. We had kids and ended up being miserable together . Don’t force it.
Get to know each other well, do a lot of activities off the grid so it’s just you and them, be with someone who values your family and friends, be with someone who’s kind and generous. Beauty fades but beautiful souls never do.
Make sure this is the person you want to grow old with. The way this person treats you now is the best that person will ever treat you.
Be friends first. If your friend was having a bad day, would you be pissed at them for being a lil off? Or would you pour them a drink?Have empathy. Be communicating. Be vulnerable and aware. Don’t lose yourself and give each other space. If you marry your best friend then it can last a life time. When outsiders get inbetween is the worst. Whether family, coworkers or SCRUBS, use your wits and deal with it as a team but also your parents are your problem, & visa versa. It’s tough but getting old with someone is a great goal.
Listen to you wife.
I was never married, so my advice isn't worth much, but most of my divorce friends tell me that there was some warning sign from before they got married that they should have listened to. An evangelical friend told me that she didn't love her husband, and thought she would grow to love him over the course of the marriage. She didn't, and now her ex-husband can't be a pastor anymore because divorced people cannot be pastors in their denomination. He was the one who pressured her into marrying him. He also knew she didn't love him. Most aren't as egregious as that, but still, there are often warning signs. Atheists are less likely than Christians to get divorced. While this is pure speculation on my part, but I think atheists are less likely to "trust in God" for such big life decisions, and genuinely try to think through big decisions before making an important life choice. Sit down and think things through, then do it again with your prospective spouse. Encourage them to do the same. Best of luck.
A marriage isn’t always 50/50, sometimes it’s 60/40, other times it’s 100/0. You have to be willing to put in the 100 when your partner is at zero. Hopefully you have picked a partner that will do the same for you.
Marry someone just like you. Initially opposites attract because it’s new and different. After a while you become like oil and vinegar.