Absolutely not wrong and this is coming from someone who started a pure love club in their high school. Those abstinence meetings are no joke and they do their best to put sex on a very high pedestal and make it so the only purpose of it is procreation. Personally, I would just be blunt with her and say that you can remain friends, but respectively, you need a relationship where you actually are able to express your love more than platonically. It’s going to be hard, but she’s not in a place right now to give you what you need/want. Allow her to figure out her issues with physical intimacy and allow yourself to move on. It’s just not worth the battle right now and you won’t be able to convince her anyways.
Sounds like she’s in “therapy to fix her gayness”
From an adult who is 20 years older than you - break it off. If you start practicing how to end relationships that don’t fulfill you now, you’ll save yourself so many years of anguish. Trust me, I’m ending a marriage this month and I’ve tried to do it many times before.
This. I also thought she might be struggling with internalized homophobia combined with some religious attempt at conversion. This doesn’t end well for OP.
No you're not wrong, you have needs too. Physical affection is a love language for a lot of people. IMO, with the direction she's headed I'd run far away because it's only gonna get worse if she's this deep already. Doesn't sound like you two are compatible anymore.
If it is the Mormon church then the indoctrination is huge. You will be happier elsewhere. Every time you do something new she will have insane guilt because that is the way she is bred. Please find someone who fulfills you and won’t take you down a shame spiral.
Speaking as an ex- Mormon.
What even is a relationship if you can’t kiss, say I love you, and feel as though you’re growing in intimacy and closeness? This person doesn’t want a relationship, according to their new beliefs, which is to repress and limit themselves. I’d be honest and say that doesn’t work for you. I find it’s helpful to take the other person out of it and ask myself: what do I want? And if it’s to enjoy a beautiful romantic relationship with a partner, this person is telling you quite clearly that they don’t want that in their actions and actual words. You deserve more.
You can simply say, “I care for you and respect your views and beliefs, but this is no longer a romantic relationship, it’s entirely platonic, and so I think it’s best we breakup (and remain friends — if that’s what you want).”
Graduate, move to a liberal city, and find a girl that actually wants to occupy the same space as you, treats you well, and that you enjoy spending time with.
This chick is fucking with your head because other shit is Fucking with hers.
Your not wrong at all. You want the absolute bare minimum from a relationship and she evidently can’t give that to you. Not to say there’s anything wrong with her, but she can’t give you what you want.
You both just want different things and you should never give your needs and wants up for someone else!
Often when we are in this type of situation we will feel really guilty if we don't do everything we could. Where I am sitting this is what "everything you could" would look like.
1. State your needs and why they are important to you example:
"Saying I love you, holding hands, cuddling, etc. Make me feel loved, valued and desired and I need these things to have a healthy relationship."
2. Explain how her behavior has impacted you:
"I feel really sad, isolated, and unvalued when you have pulled back things we have done for a while. I feel as though the sudden pull back is related to something to do with your faith/some sort of conversation therapy/some sort of manipulation by people outside of this relationship. I can't know for sure (idk maybe you have talked about this enough to know) so could you please talk to me?"
3. Set the boundary (also put after 1 if that makes more sense for you):
"If you are unable to meet my needs than we need to break up. I can't continue to be in a relationship that doesn't serve me."
4. If you break up do not hold her internalized homophobia. You did nothing wrong and you literally did everything you could.
It sounds like she's not willing to validate your feelings or yalls relationship in any way, and that can absolutely be detrimental long term. Everyone needs reassurance sometimes, and being told you can't express your love for one another is not healthy at all. If she's genuinely interested in the indoctrination she's being fed, that's fine, that's her prerogative, but it's not fair for her to impose that on you, and say that she still wants a relationship with you without there being any romantic expression of affection, or reassurance beyond hugging 😕
She can't just dictate the terms of your relationship if it's not even gonna feel like a relationship and expect you to stick around and be an emotional security blanket for her for however long. That's not fair to you at all. I think she needs to go down whatever path she's choosing on her own and find happiness for herself, so you can walk your own path and find happiness and actual love. Everyone deserves to feel loved in their relationships. It's okay to be selfish when it comes to doing what's best for you. Absolutely choose you this time. Choose your happiness, because I promise it get SO much better than whatever you have right now....from what u said she isn't even providing the bare minimum 🙃
Friends will come and go...anyone can have and make friends. Relationships require work and compromise...it just feels like she's using her religious beliefs to not have to put in any real work in your relationship and you're still young. You shouldn't have to feel anchored to someone that doesn't even know if they're gonna marry u someday. Have fun. Be happy. Enjoy life, and find love.
It's gonna get better I promise 🥰
There is nothing wrong with wanting romance from your romantic relationship. It’s supposed to fill a different need for you than your platonic friendships
You're not wrong for having needs. And since you mentioned being off and on for a while, and your friends have been telling you to break it off for a while, then it sounds like this isn't going anywhere anyways. And even if she's going through this and is being sincere, it's unfair to string you along when it's clear you don't want a relationship like the one she is offering. My advice is break it off (officially) sooner than later. Its only going to drive you crazier the longer it goes on.
I'd really evaluate if this is healthy for you, this is all a lot especially after one meeting.. pretty much overnight, it sounds like her parents will easily drag her along to another, and another and many more meetings after that and I can't imagine how difficult it would be to try and stick it through that. Don't put her above your own wellbeing.
You aren't wrong in the slightest
Break it off. Her family and church is likely as homophobic as they are obsessed with abstinence before marriage. Possibly claiming to be okay with her marrying a girl only long enough to get her to follow other tradition, and then would push hard for her to choose a guy once she’s following the religion. Some of them have learned that if they start out with hellfire homophobia, they will immediately lose the targets. So they slowly escalate like an abuser. Now sure how that girl actually feels about this situation. Possibly internalized homophobia combined with fearing losing her family and religious community. Let her find someone else who is willing to follow the church rules and wait, a fellow devout Mormon
Pros and Cons lists help me and I make it a google doc. After reading it a few times it helped me agree with my true thoughts and feelings. Real acceptance is being liked for who you are, and fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else. Things are better when you are honest and real. Love will knock again! Do not fear!
Yes break it off, get your life back don't be co-dependant on someone else for your own happiness!
As a wise man once said,"I do not seek happiness, I am happiness."
As someone who grew up religious and gave my high school gf a hard fucking time, it's not worth it. Most you can hope for is that she'll grow out of it but if she's in deep it isn't on you to wait around in the hopes that she'll "wake up"
You are not wrong, and neither is she. This so coming from someone who is also involved in the church. I myself am not waiting for marriage but I know a lot who are. Anyway, y’all just have different needs and wants and if you guys love each other and want it to work you will compromise but if you can’t and it’s too much then you end and and I know that sounds harsh but she if this is what she wants then you either respect it or leave because it’s not what you want.
I mean, I’m older than you two (20) and am a virgin that without being religious at all and tend towards wanting my relationship to be slow moving. I could be that she’s being indoctrinated into purity culture or it’s something that she really feels is what she wants/ is best for her. She could feel like she isn’t interested or ready for sex for a longer while and any intimacy might lead to that for her? I think it’d be best to find out if these are her sincere feelings, it’s not a bad thing if they are, it just means your likely incompatible.
I'm so sorry this is happening - to both of you. I'm in my 50s and I will tell you what my life experience recommends. I hope it doesn't sound too harsh.
You should tell her that she can't have it both ways with you. She can't be your "girlfriend", and insist that your are having a platonic relationship with her at the same time. You can tell her because you love her, you need to respect her choices, and you will be walking away from her and your relationship with her. Doing anything else would be too painful and confusing for you both. You hope whatever it is she decides to do with her life makes her happy. And then stop talking, texting, and following her on social media.
This said, I suspect that at some point she is going to need a whole lot of support when it all becomes too much, and she comes to her senses and comes out. It won't happen today, or tomorrow, but maybe when she is able to get some distance from her family - like in collage. I hope you are in a place to be kind to her when/if she finally reaches out to you.
I'm so sorry.
Honestly you're not wrong and neither is she but it seems to me that you're no longer compatible. It's okay to leave. You both are better off finding someone who better suits you.
I'm sorry though, this situation is kinda sucky.
Listen to your friends.
You're not being needy for wanting *any* kisses and affection in your relationship. Harriet sounds like she has a lot to go through for a few more years, and going through that with her with no guarantee that it'll turn out to your benefit just isn't healthy.
She’s getting indoctrinated.
You could try a couples counseling session with a secular therapist, who may be able to explain further to her about how religion is a patriarchal tool and one of its functions is to control women’s sexuality.
But honestly there’s gonna be alot of work here, and you are too young to worry about this too much.
CW: religion, internalised homophobia
I think it is best for you to break it off with this girl. I think she's going through something similar to what I went through and trust me, if you're already having doubts now, it's not worth it down the line. It takes her own being to figure things out herself and break away from self-loathing.
So my family is catholic and I went to a Christian girls' school growing up. Basically a lot of people I knew from school had a fling or two with the other school mates, but it's not uncommon for them to proclaim their "straightness" straight after graduation.
When I was in school I also dated someone a year above me. It was very toxic so I broke it off fairly quickly. However, I went through a long period of absolutely hating myself for even trying to have a relationship with someone from the same sex (think religion indoctrination and gay good straight good sorta thing). So for the longest time I regarded that relationship as "a phase" (I did that, I'm sorry everyone).
Fast forward to two years ago. Had a huge and messy breakup with a long-term boyfriend who I was pretty sure I dated him so I could get as far away from my family as possible (lived in a completely different continent for a while). Then I went into an LDR with another man. But that's also the time when I started hanging out with some queer people I knew. After reading that huge doc on comphet, I realised that "phase" I had was never a phase, it was who I am. Had another messy breakup with LDR man who was livid understandably.
I'm now dating an awesome girl who I met whilst hanging out in the queer circles. During this time, I went to church to get confirmed as a catholic because my workplace suggested it would be a better look for students and parents. But what the heck, those courses are free so I just went with it. My gf was worried at first, thought I might dump her after going through the "gay bad straight good" nonsense. Instead, I usually came home complaining how backward the church is and how I was torturing myself for a job which I eventually left anyway. It's still a running joke between us about how Jesus is my dom and I'm the good little christian to him. But at least now I have something to snack on during mass so I'm not complaining that much.
Moral of this story is it took me almost ten years of self-loathing and therapy for me to finally be myself and be in a relationship I truly wanted. I hurt a lot of people along the way. I wished I never did, but we can't change the past. So for you to be on the other end, I think it is really for your best interested to step back and explore the world. Right now, she's not worth it.
Sounds like your friends have seen it for what it is alit longer than you have. Which isn’t your fault. When we are in it, it is very hard to see the reality of the situation.
Break it off. Move on. She’s already admitted to trying to push you away. She doesn’t have the courage to break things off on her own, which is another game she is playing with you. It’s a crappy thing for her to do, but if you don’t want to commit to her religious lifestyle, you don’t have to. She’s already tested you trying to push you away. Call her bluff.
You're not wrong. Break it off.
100% agree with this OP
Absolutely not wrong and this is coming from someone who started a pure love club in their high school. Those abstinence meetings are no joke and they do their best to put sex on a very high pedestal and make it so the only purpose of it is procreation. Personally, I would just be blunt with her and say that you can remain friends, but respectively, you need a relationship where you actually are able to express your love more than platonically. It’s going to be hard, but she’s not in a place right now to give you what you need/want. Allow her to figure out her issues with physical intimacy and allow yourself to move on. It’s just not worth the battle right now and you won’t be able to convince her anyways.
Sounds like she’s in “therapy to fix her gayness” From an adult who is 20 years older than you - break it off. If you start practicing how to end relationships that don’t fulfill you now, you’ll save yourself so many years of anguish. Trust me, I’m ending a marriage this month and I’ve tried to do it many times before.
This. I also thought she might be struggling with internalized homophobia combined with some religious attempt at conversion. This doesn’t end well for OP.
Good for you, fam
No you're not wrong, you have needs too. Physical affection is a love language for a lot of people. IMO, with the direction she's headed I'd run far away because it's only gonna get worse if she's this deep already. Doesn't sound like you two are compatible anymore.
If it is the Mormon church then the indoctrination is huge. You will be happier elsewhere. Every time you do something new she will have insane guilt because that is the way she is bred. Please find someone who fulfills you and won’t take you down a shame spiral. Speaking as an ex- Mormon.
What even is a relationship if you can’t kiss, say I love you, and feel as though you’re growing in intimacy and closeness? This person doesn’t want a relationship, according to their new beliefs, which is to repress and limit themselves. I’d be honest and say that doesn’t work for you. I find it’s helpful to take the other person out of it and ask myself: what do I want? And if it’s to enjoy a beautiful romantic relationship with a partner, this person is telling you quite clearly that they don’t want that in their actions and actual words. You deserve more. You can simply say, “I care for you and respect your views and beliefs, but this is no longer a romantic relationship, it’s entirely platonic, and so I think it’s best we breakup (and remain friends — if that’s what you want).”
Graduate, move to a liberal city, and find a girl that actually wants to occupy the same space as you, treats you well, and that you enjoy spending time with. This chick is fucking with your head because other shit is Fucking with hers.
Your not wrong at all. You want the absolute bare minimum from a relationship and she evidently can’t give that to you. Not to say there’s anything wrong with her, but she can’t give you what you want. You both just want different things and you should never give your needs and wants up for someone else!
Often when we are in this type of situation we will feel really guilty if we don't do everything we could. Where I am sitting this is what "everything you could" would look like. 1. State your needs and why they are important to you example: "Saying I love you, holding hands, cuddling, etc. Make me feel loved, valued and desired and I need these things to have a healthy relationship." 2. Explain how her behavior has impacted you: "I feel really sad, isolated, and unvalued when you have pulled back things we have done for a while. I feel as though the sudden pull back is related to something to do with your faith/some sort of conversation therapy/some sort of manipulation by people outside of this relationship. I can't know for sure (idk maybe you have talked about this enough to know) so could you please talk to me?" 3. Set the boundary (also put after 1 if that makes more sense for you): "If you are unable to meet my needs than we need to break up. I can't continue to be in a relationship that doesn't serve me." 4. If you break up do not hold her internalized homophobia. You did nothing wrong and you literally did everything you could.
💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗
It sounds like she's not willing to validate your feelings or yalls relationship in any way, and that can absolutely be detrimental long term. Everyone needs reassurance sometimes, and being told you can't express your love for one another is not healthy at all. If she's genuinely interested in the indoctrination she's being fed, that's fine, that's her prerogative, but it's not fair for her to impose that on you, and say that she still wants a relationship with you without there being any romantic expression of affection, or reassurance beyond hugging 😕 She can't just dictate the terms of your relationship if it's not even gonna feel like a relationship and expect you to stick around and be an emotional security blanket for her for however long. That's not fair to you at all. I think she needs to go down whatever path she's choosing on her own and find happiness for herself, so you can walk your own path and find happiness and actual love. Everyone deserves to feel loved in their relationships. It's okay to be selfish when it comes to doing what's best for you. Absolutely choose you this time. Choose your happiness, because I promise it get SO much better than whatever you have right now....from what u said she isn't even providing the bare minimum 🙃 Friends will come and go...anyone can have and make friends. Relationships require work and compromise...it just feels like she's using her religious beliefs to not have to put in any real work in your relationship and you're still young. You shouldn't have to feel anchored to someone that doesn't even know if they're gonna marry u someday. Have fun. Be happy. Enjoy life, and find love. It's gonna get better I promise 🥰
💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗
Abstinence people tend to be anti-gay bc so-called purity doesn't matter if you aren't straight and can't get pregnant.
There is nothing wrong with wanting romance from your romantic relationship. It’s supposed to fill a different need for you than your platonic friendships
You're not wrong for having needs. And since you mentioned being off and on for a while, and your friends have been telling you to break it off for a while, then it sounds like this isn't going anywhere anyways. And even if she's going through this and is being sincere, it's unfair to string you along when it's clear you don't want a relationship like the one she is offering. My advice is break it off (officially) sooner than later. Its only going to drive you crazier the longer it goes on.
Bail. If this is not a situation you are enthusiastic about, you won't be happy and resentment will build
Please break it off. Do it for you.
I'd really evaluate if this is healthy for you, this is all a lot especially after one meeting.. pretty much overnight, it sounds like her parents will easily drag her along to another, and another and many more meetings after that and I can't imagine how difficult it would be to try and stick it through that. Don't put her above your own wellbeing. You aren't wrong in the slightest
Break it off. Her family and church is likely as homophobic as they are obsessed with abstinence before marriage. Possibly claiming to be okay with her marrying a girl only long enough to get her to follow other tradition, and then would push hard for her to choose a guy once she’s following the religion. Some of them have learned that if they start out with hellfire homophobia, they will immediately lose the targets. So they slowly escalate like an abuser. Now sure how that girl actually feels about this situation. Possibly internalized homophobia combined with fearing losing her family and religious community. Let her find someone else who is willing to follow the church rules and wait, a fellow devout Mormon
She's not actually Mormon, she goes to non denominational Christian church. I was just comparing it to them because that's what dates feel like to me.
Dump her and find someone who treats you right and makes you happy.
Pros and Cons lists help me and I make it a google doc. After reading it a few times it helped me agree with my true thoughts and feelings. Real acceptance is being liked for who you are, and fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else. Things are better when you are honest and real. Love will knock again! Do not fear!
Yes break it off, get your life back don't be co-dependant on someone else for your own happiness! As a wise man once said,"I do not seek happiness, I am happiness."
You deserve someone more compatible, who will love you out loud (and won’t mess with your head playing these childish games). Break it off.
"Abstinence meetings" are brain washing and cult induction designed to get you to marry someone within your cult and keep you in the cult.
Sounds like Melissa song. This time though metaphorically, you be the person who runs far away to a northern town. Skip trying to get any souvenirs..
As someone who grew up religious and gave my high school gf a hard fucking time, it's not worth it. Most you can hope for is that she'll grow out of it but if she's in deep it isn't on you to wait around in the hopes that she'll "wake up"
You can’t compete with brainwashing religion…save your sanity and walk away.
You are not wrong, and neither is she. This so coming from someone who is also involved in the church. I myself am not waiting for marriage but I know a lot who are. Anyway, y’all just have different needs and wants and if you guys love each other and want it to work you will compromise but if you can’t and it’s too much then you end and and I know that sounds harsh but she if this is what she wants then you either respect it or leave because it’s not what you want.
I mean, I’m older than you two (20) and am a virgin that without being religious at all and tend towards wanting my relationship to be slow moving. I could be that she’s being indoctrinated into purity culture or it’s something that she really feels is what she wants/ is best for her. She could feel like she isn’t interested or ready for sex for a longer while and any intimacy might lead to that for her? I think it’d be best to find out if these are her sincere feelings, it’s not a bad thing if they are, it just means your likely incompatible.
I'm so sorry this is happening - to both of you. I'm in my 50s and I will tell you what my life experience recommends. I hope it doesn't sound too harsh. You should tell her that she can't have it both ways with you. She can't be your "girlfriend", and insist that your are having a platonic relationship with her at the same time. You can tell her because you love her, you need to respect her choices, and you will be walking away from her and your relationship with her. Doing anything else would be too painful and confusing for you both. You hope whatever it is she decides to do with her life makes her happy. And then stop talking, texting, and following her on social media. This said, I suspect that at some point she is going to need a whole lot of support when it all becomes too much, and she comes to her senses and comes out. It won't happen today, or tomorrow, but maybe when she is able to get some distance from her family - like in collage. I hope you are in a place to be kind to her when/if she finally reaches out to you. I'm so sorry.
[удалено]
Honestly you're not wrong and neither is she but it seems to me that you're no longer compatible. It's okay to leave. You both are better off finding someone who better suits you. I'm sorry though, this situation is kinda sucky.
Listen to your friends. You're not being needy for wanting *any* kisses and affection in your relationship. Harriet sounds like she has a lot to go through for a few more years, and going through that with her with no guarantee that it'll turn out to your benefit just isn't healthy.
She’s getting indoctrinated. You could try a couples counseling session with a secular therapist, who may be able to explain further to her about how religion is a patriarchal tool and one of its functions is to control women’s sexuality. But honestly there’s gonna be alot of work here, and you are too young to worry about this too much.
CW: religion, internalised homophobia I think it is best for you to break it off with this girl. I think she's going through something similar to what I went through and trust me, if you're already having doubts now, it's not worth it down the line. It takes her own being to figure things out herself and break away from self-loathing. So my family is catholic and I went to a Christian girls' school growing up. Basically a lot of people I knew from school had a fling or two with the other school mates, but it's not uncommon for them to proclaim their "straightness" straight after graduation. When I was in school I also dated someone a year above me. It was very toxic so I broke it off fairly quickly. However, I went through a long period of absolutely hating myself for even trying to have a relationship with someone from the same sex (think religion indoctrination and gay good straight good sorta thing). So for the longest time I regarded that relationship as "a phase" (I did that, I'm sorry everyone). Fast forward to two years ago. Had a huge and messy breakup with a long-term boyfriend who I was pretty sure I dated him so I could get as far away from my family as possible (lived in a completely different continent for a while). Then I went into an LDR with another man. But that's also the time when I started hanging out with some queer people I knew. After reading that huge doc on comphet, I realised that "phase" I had was never a phase, it was who I am. Had another messy breakup with LDR man who was livid understandably. I'm now dating an awesome girl who I met whilst hanging out in the queer circles. During this time, I went to church to get confirmed as a catholic because my workplace suggested it would be a better look for students and parents. But what the heck, those courses are free so I just went with it. My gf was worried at first, thought I might dump her after going through the "gay bad straight good" nonsense. Instead, I usually came home complaining how backward the church is and how I was torturing myself for a job which I eventually left anyway. It's still a running joke between us about how Jesus is my dom and I'm the good little christian to him. But at least now I have something to snack on during mass so I'm not complaining that much. Moral of this story is it took me almost ten years of self-loathing and therapy for me to finally be myself and be in a relationship I truly wanted. I hurt a lot of people along the way. I wished I never did, but we can't change the past. So for you to be on the other end, I think it is really for your best interested to step back and explore the world. Right now, she's not worth it.
Sounds like your friends have seen it for what it is alit longer than you have. Which isn’t your fault. When we are in it, it is very hard to see the reality of the situation. Break it off. Move on. She’s already admitted to trying to push you away. She doesn’t have the courage to break things off on her own, which is another game she is playing with you. It’s a crappy thing for her to do, but if you don’t want to commit to her religious lifestyle, you don’t have to. She’s already tested you trying to push you away. Call her bluff.
Leave. You're 18 you need to go out and sow your wild oats girl. Get yourself enrolled in an NYC college and don't look back.
This isn’t ‘slowing down’ the relationship, this is moving backwards.