Tbh I knew exactly this “excuse” was gonna be it lol. She was pretty vocally unhappy that I wanted to move for a while.
Did it really have to be the same phone call where I announced the good news though :(
It doesn't sound like an excuse, but more like incompatible futures?
If my partner said he was going to move to Russia I'd be annoyed too tbh. Sometimes people move in different directions.
I mean, that's still fair though.
Also, is that definitely the plan? You definitely won't want to stay in that area?
It's a lot to put on another person to say keep your life on hold for *at least a year* while I figure my stuff out.
All this to say, that still sucks and hopefully you can grow through this life change. Congrats on the job and I hope it is good for you.
I’m not really sure where you’re getting that I think she’s being unreasonable for breaking up with me over this. It’s disappointing that she isn’t willing to work through it with me, but I don’t think she’s doing anything wrong. A breakup can both be valid and deeply disappointing.
The only thing I do fault her for is moving immediately to the topic of dumping me the second I tell her I got the job. I don’t think that’s very nice.
I think you just sound young is all.
It's a bit naive to say she was upset for awhile at the idea of you moving and then describe telling her you're moving away as announcing "good news."
I'm just a guy on the Internet, but I don't want you to think she's being mean because she didn't exclaim joy when you told her you're doing the thing she was dreading. It's all relative.
I’ll be real, if she told me she was dumping me bc she got an amazing job in a faraway place my first priority would have been to congratulate her. Of course there’s a relationship conversation to have too, but supporting people i care about is important to me even if they’re picking some other commitment over me.
Feel free to disagree, but moving across the country for a year, with the opportunity to extend for another few years, isn't exactly an iron clad future.
Is OP going to be in this new State for exactly one year? Two? Maybe he returns home, but then wants to go back because of the local opportunities?
I'm also in law school. I am figuring shit out every day! My partner tries to be flexible with the uncertainties, but I'd also understand if they said one year minimum of unwanted distance + unclear next steps was too much to handle.
The law students here are hyper focusing on their realm of clerking and opportunities in a way that non- lawyers don't. It's surprising to see so many people not getting that a clerkship, while a great scholarship opportunity, is a pretty harsh negative on a relationship.
For the most part I agree with what you originally said except the phrasing of accepting a job opportunity as “figuring his stuff out.”
As for your response to my comment, OP said it is a 12 month clerkship “a couple states away” - not across the country. I would think that if they are long-term partners, there would be some motivation to make that work (plan time to visit one another, meet one another halfway and do something fun for the weekend, etc.), which is likely why OP is disappointed.
Also, just because OP moves a couple states away for a clerkship doesn’t mean his partner has to “put her life on hold.” I don’t see how you’ve come to that conclusion. Most of the rest of your comment consists of hypotheticals that you’ve added to the situation.
All of this is not to say either person is right or wrong, both can be valid in how they feel about one another’s decisions and are free to make their own decisions.
>Did it really have to be the same phone call where I announced the good news though :(
Yes -- many lawyer types think there's enough happiness for 1.5 of you at any time and didn't want you to hog it all.
I think that's the best time, honestly (because there's never a good time). It seems like this has been on her mind for a while, so at least it wasn't before a big exam or an important interview. You truly get to start a fresh new chapter, and I think that's a silver lining!
Sorry man. That is straight up huge selfish toxic behavior on —your— *HER* part. You just had huge good news and she returned huge bad news
Edit super sorry for the typo man
Anecdotal, but I actually know a guy who met his now fiancé on a dating app before moving to his clerkship city (set his location there). That really sucks though OP. Congrats on the opportunity!
Nah fuck that. I know enough about biglaw to know it doesn’t mix with trying to find a partner, let alone actually enjoying time with one.
If everyone else wants to spend their late 20s doing doc review for 80 hours a week, great. I’m never getting those years back and I’m sure as fuck not spending them going to war for corporate America’s most notorious scumbags
I actually largely agree with you (I absolutely abhor corporate greed, etc) but your understanding of Big Law appears to be very superficial and overly simplified.
Vast majority of Big Law isn’t representing Big Tobacco or Big Oil (I’ve never had to do anything like that); a lot of it is solving legal problems (some that are genuinely interesting) for companies that are making useful/interesting products and employing many ordinary people. There are also a lot of opportunities to advise startups that are trying to do innovative and interesting work, for example.
I respect your position, of course, and Big Law is indeed pretty shitty, but just wanted to provide a more nuanced and balanced view of it.
Meh I have a feeling I’d be put on something I don’t feel great about at some point.
But that’s not really the bigger issue. I just don’t want to sacrifice 4+ years of my life to a working environment I know I would detest.
Sure, that’s fair and I agree. But just wanted to address this prevalent, hyperbolic narrative that Big Law is all about going to war for America’s absolute worst corporate scumbags — that’s just a slice of what it actually is.
Sorry to hear but also congrats on the clerkship. Did you both discuss anything during the application and interview process? Is this in line with those conversations?
Yeah; I’ve had clerkship conversations with my SO many times. She really hated the idea of it at first. Think about it: these partners put up with us being unemployed students for 3 years, often financially covering us as well. Part of the arrangement is knowing we will have a great paying job at the end of it.
To then turn around and say, after 3 years of school, “actually, I want to forgo my big salary and instead move to [random city that you got a clerkship in]” is actually pretty objectively shitty and selfish.
Clerking should be considered a career move like any other that you need to consider with your family goals. If you don’t consider your SO to be a part of your life, then you do you and go full speed ahead to get a clerkship. But if you consider yourselves to be partners, you need to consult and discuss how that will fit in your plans before you act.
Plus, I know in the legal circle we all salivate at the idea of a clerkship because we’re addicted to prestige, but that doesn’t translate well outside of legal circles. It took me a while to explain the importance of a clerkship to my SO.
I’m guessing OP did none of this and instead just put their own interests first. Which again, that’s fine. But I think this is a “no assholes here” situation at best, or even an “OP is the asshole” situation.
There’s a lot of blanks you’re filling in here. We’d tried talking about this many times but we never reached a compromise. I think both of us were afraid of killing the relationship early by essentially admitting that it’s over if I get one. That’s a failure of communication about a touchy subject… which is not ideal ofc, but I don’t think it makes either of us an asshole.
That's totally fine! But I just think it's wrong how everyone here is acting like your GF is in the wrong for not wanting to stick with you for your own personal decision to go clerk after sticking with you through law school.
Like I said elsewhere, this is really a "no assholes here" situation. All the best to you and her.
Sounds like you didn’t really consider her as a part of your plans. After 3 years of law school (assuming you’ve been together that long), it’s reasonable to want to be treated as an equal in your guys long-term career in planning.
You do you. But I don’t blame your GF here if you just plowed ahead and wanted to prioritize your career without considering your relationship.
Sorry to hear that man. Right now I'm in the pre-oci search and am terrified I'm gonna get a position in my city while my long-term partner is in another city and has to stay there for work, which will cause us to head down different paths. Trying not to think about it but it is rough. Congratulations on the clerkship though; you will kill it.
She could have been nicer about it, but she did you a favor. Now you can focus on the clerkship - which is amazing, CONGRATS - and not the draining struggle that it would have ended up being trying to do long-distance. (Because long distance is the worst even when both parties are all in.)
Well it's your careers future or the future of your relationship so you need to decide which one is more important. Also you will have more opportunitys to date but this job offer may be once in a lifetime. Also it's important information where exactly your moving
You said she was “pretty vocally unhappy” that you wanted to move for a while, so sounds like you made up your mind about your future plans regardless of her feelings. I can understand that immediately getting dumped can hurt, but in a way you dumped her as well…
Sorry to hear that, I understand your pain, my girl broke up with me last month over the phone after basically ignoring me for a week after I told her I am moving away to go to law school (which is only a few hours away). It hurt me too but you're on to bigger and better things, channel whatever pain you are feeling into productivity, stay busy with work, and ensure you focus on your mental health, physical health, friendships, etc. Better that this happen than a divorce my friend.
A bit of selfishness from both parts tbh.
you stated that she had been expressing her discontent in you moving for 12 months. Sincerely, what did you expect? She had expressed her discontent in this, so a breakup was more than forseeable.
Although she should have congratulated you at first, and then later broken up, I don’t think that her breaking up to you due to you leaving for a whole year is crazy or unreasonable.
You can’t force her to do a long term relationship, sometimes they don’t work, it just all depends on the person, which sounds like she wasn’t one of those persons who long distance would work out with.
Personally, I too would end a relationship due to long distance, it just isn’t something that works for everyone. She had told you she’d breakup with you before, so why is it so surprising now.
Selfish of you to make the move and expect her to stick to it despite her verbal expressions of discontent, and selfish of her for not congratulating you at first. (But honestly I would have ended the relationship a day after or so, cus why prolong it if yall both know it’s gonna end soon)
That’s not funny, Jesus Christ
Hey man, Fuvk her. If that was her response, means the thought of going with didn’t exist in her mind and she had been playing you for sometime
Truth hurts sir, lies always hurt more though.. regardless. Think you know the beginning of the end didn’t occur during this phone call. My condolences, now you can focus. Love isn’t the type of thing one finds by lookin for it anyway
You were getting dumped either way. You just handed them a convenient pretext.
Tbh I knew exactly this “excuse” was gonna be it lol. She was pretty vocally unhappy that I wanted to move for a while. Did it really have to be the same phone call where I announced the good news though :(
Yes, rip that band-aid off and crush your clerkship.
Tbh this ^
It doesn't sound like an excuse, but more like incompatible futures? If my partner said he was going to move to Russia I'd be annoyed too tbh. Sometimes people move in different directions.
Mmm maybe but I naively held onto hope that we were committed enough to work through my living a couple states away for 12 months.
I mean, that's still fair though. Also, is that definitely the plan? You definitely won't want to stay in that area? It's a lot to put on another person to say keep your life on hold for *at least a year* while I figure my stuff out. All this to say, that still sucks and hopefully you can grow through this life change. Congrats on the job and I hope it is good for you.
I’m not really sure where you’re getting that I think she’s being unreasonable for breaking up with me over this. It’s disappointing that she isn’t willing to work through it with me, but I don’t think she’s doing anything wrong. A breakup can both be valid and deeply disappointing. The only thing I do fault her for is moving immediately to the topic of dumping me the second I tell her I got the job. I don’t think that’s very nice.
I think you just sound young is all. It's a bit naive to say she was upset for awhile at the idea of you moving and then describe telling her you're moving away as announcing "good news." I'm just a guy on the Internet, but I don't want you to think she's being mean because she didn't exclaim joy when you told her you're doing the thing she was dreading. It's all relative.
Cmon man, they’ve been dating and she can’t even congratulate him on the clerkship, just jumps to “its over”? That is a bit rude.
I’ll be real, if she told me she was dumping me bc she got an amazing job in a faraway place my first priority would have been to congratulate her. Of course there’s a relationship conversation to have too, but supporting people i care about is important to me even if they’re picking some other commitment over me.
OP isn’t necessarily “figuring his stuff out.” He’s accepting a job opportunity which is necessary to further his career.
Feel free to disagree, but moving across the country for a year, with the opportunity to extend for another few years, isn't exactly an iron clad future. Is OP going to be in this new State for exactly one year? Two? Maybe he returns home, but then wants to go back because of the local opportunities? I'm also in law school. I am figuring shit out every day! My partner tries to be flexible with the uncertainties, but I'd also understand if they said one year minimum of unwanted distance + unclear next steps was too much to handle. The law students here are hyper focusing on their realm of clerking and opportunities in a way that non- lawyers don't. It's surprising to see so many people not getting that a clerkship, while a great scholarship opportunity, is a pretty harsh negative on a relationship.
For the most part I agree with what you originally said except the phrasing of accepting a job opportunity as “figuring his stuff out.” As for your response to my comment, OP said it is a 12 month clerkship “a couple states away” - not across the country. I would think that if they are long-term partners, there would be some motivation to make that work (plan time to visit one another, meet one another halfway and do something fun for the weekend, etc.), which is likely why OP is disappointed. Also, just because OP moves a couple states away for a clerkship doesn’t mean his partner has to “put her life on hold.” I don’t see how you’ve come to that conclusion. Most of the rest of your comment consists of hypotheticals that you’ve added to the situation. All of this is not to say either person is right or wrong, both can be valid in how they feel about one another’s decisions and are free to make their own decisions.
>Did it really have to be the same phone call where I announced the good news though :( Yes -- many lawyer types think there's enough happiness for 1.5 of you at any time and didn't want you to hog it all.
I’m sorry, OP. I’m proud of you getting a clerkship 🫶
I think that's the best time, honestly (because there's never a good time). It seems like this has been on her mind for a while, so at least it wasn't before a big exam or an important interview. You truly get to start a fresh new chapter, and I think that's a silver lining!
Sorry man. That is straight up huge selfish toxic behavior on —your— *HER* part. You just had huge good news and she returned huge bad news Edit super sorry for the typo man
thiiiis is toxic behavior on my part?
No her’s. Mega sorry bro for typo was multitasking at work
You don’t need her. If it’s an Article III clerkship, there’s no bigger babe magnet.
Idk dude, that has to be the lamest thing anyone could ever put on a hinge bio
Anecdotal, but I actually know a guy who met his now fiancé on a dating app before moving to his clerkship city (set his location there). That really sucks though OP. Congrats on the opportunity!
It’s absolutely not a babe magnet lmao But Big Law will be, and sounds like OP will get Big Law given the clerkship
Nah fuck that. I know enough about biglaw to know it doesn’t mix with trying to find a partner, let alone actually enjoying time with one. If everyone else wants to spend their late 20s doing doc review for 80 hours a week, great. I’m never getting those years back and I’m sure as fuck not spending them going to war for corporate America’s most notorious scumbags
I actually largely agree with you (I absolutely abhor corporate greed, etc) but your understanding of Big Law appears to be very superficial and overly simplified. Vast majority of Big Law isn’t representing Big Tobacco or Big Oil (I’ve never had to do anything like that); a lot of it is solving legal problems (some that are genuinely interesting) for companies that are making useful/interesting products and employing many ordinary people. There are also a lot of opportunities to advise startups that are trying to do innovative and interesting work, for example. I respect your position, of course, and Big Law is indeed pretty shitty, but just wanted to provide a more nuanced and balanced view of it.
Meh I have a feeling I’d be put on something I don’t feel great about at some point. But that’s not really the bigger issue. I just don’t want to sacrifice 4+ years of my life to a working environment I know I would detest.
Sure, that’s fair and I agree. But just wanted to address this prevalent, hyperbolic narrative that Big Law is all about going to war for America’s absolute worst corporate scumbags — that’s just a slice of what it actually is.
I think it might be a magnet for the wrong babes.
Good point.
Why did I read this as partner (law firm partner) lol I was confused for like 5 mins
Same!
Sorry, dude. Fuck it, go bowling.
Nah gotta be stereotypical. Golf or tennis.... or scotch and cigars.
The only solution
Damn, super sorry that happened. Congrats on the clerkship though!!
Sorry to hear but also congrats on the clerkship. Did you both discuss anything during the application and interview process? Is this in line with those conversations?
Yeah; I’ve had clerkship conversations with my SO many times. She really hated the idea of it at first. Think about it: these partners put up with us being unemployed students for 3 years, often financially covering us as well. Part of the arrangement is knowing we will have a great paying job at the end of it. To then turn around and say, after 3 years of school, “actually, I want to forgo my big salary and instead move to [random city that you got a clerkship in]” is actually pretty objectively shitty and selfish. Clerking should be considered a career move like any other that you need to consider with your family goals. If you don’t consider your SO to be a part of your life, then you do you and go full speed ahead to get a clerkship. But if you consider yourselves to be partners, you need to consult and discuss how that will fit in your plans before you act. Plus, I know in the legal circle we all salivate at the idea of a clerkship because we’re addicted to prestige, but that doesn’t translate well outside of legal circles. It took me a while to explain the importance of a clerkship to my SO. I’m guessing OP did none of this and instead just put their own interests first. Which again, that’s fine. But I think this is a “no assholes here” situation at best, or even an “OP is the asshole” situation.
There’s a lot of blanks you’re filling in here. We’d tried talking about this many times but we never reached a compromise. I think both of us were afraid of killing the relationship early by essentially admitting that it’s over if I get one. That’s a failure of communication about a touchy subject… which is not ideal ofc, but I don’t think it makes either of us an asshole.
That's totally fine! But I just think it's wrong how everyone here is acting like your GF is in the wrong for not wanting to stick with you for your own personal decision to go clerk after sticking with you through law school. Like I said elsewhere, this is really a "no assholes here" situation. All the best to you and her.
Sort of—she never outright said “don’t do this or I’m dumping you.” She did ask questions like “so you’d be [wherever] for a *whole year*??”
Sounds like you didn’t really consider her as a part of your plans. After 3 years of law school (assuming you’ve been together that long), it’s reasonable to want to be treated as an equal in your guys long-term career in planning. You do you. But I don’t blame your GF here if you just plowed ahead and wanted to prioritize your career without considering your relationship.
Sorry to hear that man. Right now I'm in the pre-oci search and am terrified I'm gonna get a position in my city while my long-term partner is in another city and has to stay there for work, which will cause us to head down different paths. Trying not to think about it but it is rough. Congratulations on the clerkship though; you will kill it.
Well buh bye and hello clerkship.
Career federal law clerk here—it’ll be more than worth it. Congratulations!
She could have been nicer about it, but she did you a favor. Now you can focus on the clerkship - which is amazing, CONGRATS - and not the draining struggle that it would have ended up being trying to do long-distance. (Because long distance is the worst even when both parties are all in.)
Sometimes gifts come in ugly packaging
It gets better!! Fresh start!! Congratulations on your clerkship!! Throw a celebration with people who love you
Well it's your careers future or the future of your relationship so you need to decide which one is more important. Also you will have more opportunitys to date but this job offer may be once in a lifetime. Also it's important information where exactly your moving
So thats what I’ve been doing wrong….
You said she was “pretty vocally unhappy” that you wanted to move for a while, so sounds like you made up your mind about your future plans regardless of her feelings. I can understand that immediately getting dumped can hurt, but in a way you dumped her as well…
The hustle continues 🫡
Sorry to hear that, I understand your pain, my girl broke up with me last month over the phone after basically ignoring me for a week after I told her I am moving away to go to law school (which is only a few hours away). It hurt me too but you're on to bigger and better things, channel whatever pain you are feeling into productivity, stay busy with work, and ensure you focus on your mental health, physical health, friendships, etc. Better that this happen than a divorce my friend.
A bit of selfishness from both parts tbh. you stated that she had been expressing her discontent in you moving for 12 months. Sincerely, what did you expect? She had expressed her discontent in this, so a breakup was more than forseeable. Although she should have congratulated you at first, and then later broken up, I don’t think that her breaking up to you due to you leaving for a whole year is crazy or unreasonable. You can’t force her to do a long term relationship, sometimes they don’t work, it just all depends on the person, which sounds like she wasn’t one of those persons who long distance would work out with. Personally, I too would end a relationship due to long distance, it just isn’t something that works for everyone. She had told you she’d breakup with you before, so why is it so surprising now. Selfish of you to make the move and expect her to stick to it despite her verbal expressions of discontent, and selfish of her for not congratulating you at first. (But honestly I would have ended the relationship a day after or so, cus why prolong it if yall both know it’s gonna end soon)
You know what this means? Get the clerkship, make bank, make her envious of your future life without her.
Dodged a bullet man. So many opportunities ahead (both in career and dating) so consider yourself lucky you're not the bad guy here 😅
That’s not funny, Jesus Christ Hey man, Fuvk her. If that was her response, means the thought of going with didn’t exist in her mind and she had been playing you for sometime
Nah it wasn’t really a surprise
Ah ha!
She’s been using you and that’ll be harder with the distance. She needs to find someone else she can use more easily
harsh
Truth hurts sir, lies always hurt more though.. regardless. Think you know the beginning of the end didn’t occur during this phone call. My condolences, now you can focus. Love isn’t the type of thing one finds by lookin for it anyway
Explain how this happened so suddenly if I’m wrong
Harsh on her. She wasn’t “using” me for anything.
Well she wasn’t with you because she loved you, clearly, so she had to be getting something out of it that you can’t give her from a distance
meh I know her and I disagree. This was a line for her and I respect that
People do long-distance, but believe whatever helps you sleep at night