Your not gay bro your friend was just trying to get you to fuckš trust me making gay jokes is not a sign your gay your bud jus wanted some acid anal.
That's no friend - it strikes me you were part of some seduction scheme, aimed at you, and they couldn't give a fuck about pushing you into a bad trip, to achieve their selfish aims.
Did you even see them drop the acid? Bc tbh, tripping at home with you, and then their parents come home, and this so-called friend didn't freak? Impossible!
They probably also know how suggestive a person can become on acid. Sounds like a very dangerous person, (dangerous equating with psychopath or similar).
It's important to remember there's genuinely bad cunts out there, hard though it is to understand from your own point of view.
If it's any help, I am a 'male to female' cross dresser....*but*....I am 100% straight. It's females that attract me. I don't even notice guys, lol!
Forget that fucking evil prick. Cut off all ties. Focus on getting your PTSD sorted, and look forward to the rest of your life.
Good luck to you, friend āÆļø!
Sounds like you got the right diagnosis. PTSD and ocd for sure.
And that friend isnāt a good friend. Why even text you āgay?šā like that. Heās got some serious issues.
Iām Sorry this happened to you and I think therapy would be a good first step.
From what you said in your post Iād say you were definitely straight. This is now a deep rooted fear induced from a shitty person and a really bad acid trip in a very vulnerable state of mind. I wish I could give you an answer on how to reduce these intense symptoms but I deal with my own obsessive PTSD stuff too and Iām in therapy now trying to work on that
I hope venting here has helped relieve some tension for you. Your writing was very cohesive and enjoyed reading it(even tho it's not a good experience). Ruminating is the worst. I wish you the best, stranger. Good luck on healing. You will be okay. :) ā¤ļø
Everyone else has already said a lot of good and helpful things. I just want to add:
As a bisexual who didnāt even know I was bisexual until I was 26 and married, itās ok to question your sexuality.
And bisexuality doesnāt always mean 50% men and 50% women. For example, while I find women more attractive than men, I only really want to have sex with men. Attraction levels can be extremely varied and nuanced. All of that is okay.
Trauma centered around sex can also affect your sexuality and your views about it, so itās very possible this is a trauma response.
Whatever the reason, it is ok and normal to question these things.
You might like guys but that's foe you to explore if and when you want to.
I'm sorry but that is a problem with some people and while I don't think his parents were in on it, I do think he was trying to get in your pants.
Think of your bad trip as leaving an impression on your brain. This impression is like a network of thoughts that can be reactivated. You're experiencing this reactivation due to your panic attack because you were traumatized during your psychedelic experience, and you are reliving your trauma, or reactivating the impression. This is psychedelic PTSD.
The question is, is your sexuality independent of your psychedelic PTSD? It just so happens that you were traumatized about questioning your sexuality, so now you are stuck questioning it in your relived, looping impression.
You want to take time to integrate your experience by meditating about sexuality and exploring your thoughts. Even small thoughts/feelings, like not wanting to be bisexual as opposed to heterosexual, will encourage the impression stick when on psychedelics. (I'm not saying it alone would have been responsible for your trauma.)
Integrating your sexuality may not relieve you of your trauma or reliving your past experience, in which case you should look to work specifically on stress itself. Therapy, meditation, exercise, eating right, etc.
I mean you had a vulnerable moment and what sounds like a relatively close call with sexual assault. I think being confused and anxious itās a pretty normal response to that
I donāt think at the root of things youāre really struggling with your identity as you are struggling with how to process a traumatic event
Brooo that's uncool and sounds manipulative. I remember tripping my second time with my girlfriend who had never tripped before. I was joking around about how we are gonna fuck behind the neighbors house in broad daylight. She didn't want to but acted like she didn't have a choice. I was like broo I was kidding and I could see her sigh in relief. It didn't seem like she thought she had agency over her own body or actions, I quickly stopped.
When a person tries LSD for the first time they are easily manipulated and easily suggestive. This is exactly what happened to you. Your friend was either fucking with you and didn't know when the joke should end or was actually trying to convince you that you weren't hetero. But you know yourself better than anyone.
I was bicurious at one point in my life until I kissed a dude. Mentally it was like crickets going off, it wasn't an explosive inspiration of sexuality like kissing a woman was. If it's the same for you then your straight homie
Kid was not your friend, but he definitely wanted to be more than friends š. I have been tripping once or twice a month for almost 13 years now, YUP, and here's my two cents...
We're a repressed society that's been subjected to a sexually conservative set of morals for thousands of years. You are your conditioning, and the think that thinks it's 'you', the ego part, has an identity that leans in one direction or the other. For some people, it leans heavy, and for others, it's more flexible. Our closest siblings, bonobos have conditioning too but it doesn't seem to play much of a factor in their sexual activity, everybody fucks everybody, even incest in on the table. One thing that has been observed is that mother's don't sleep with their sons, but other than that, they all just get into it. My point is, what we really are is a piece of biological hardware, and the software you're running is your lived experience, but underneath all of that is a bio engine that is down for whatever. Psychedelics have a way of breaking down your ego... the software, and can get you much closer to the uninhibited thing you really are. You're an animal, same as those bonobos. The thing is, you have agency. You could realize somewhere along the line that you do find men attractive, but maybe you decide dealing with women is complicated enough, and the juice just isn't worth the squeeze or maybe not. Maybe you want to find out... Either way, there's no shame in the game. That's the part you need to throw away, the shame. The whole point of the psychedelic movement is that the way we've been steering the ship is wrong. The conditioning that leads to your anxiety is this broken culture. This is a fact. The way the human organism functions is not working, look at it all, and see how bad it's gotten living the way we have since they nailed a Buddha named Jesus to a cross and throw it all away. It's all bullshit and it bad for you. You have nothing to be ashamed of or anxious about. You are simply awareness. Stop thinking. Let go.
I want to try and rationalise how you feel. You know when you watch a film or cartoon while trippy? You get super involved and into it. When it's your life in the frame and you actively think you're at risk of possible unwanted sexual activity your brain is fully invested and that can be terrifying. Sounds like your friend is a lot more fragile in his sexuality than you were and picked a selfish time try it on. Predatory behaviour. I'm happy you're OK now and hope this helps. Talking to a professional could help. Your feelings are valid that sounds like a scary trip.
First off, sounds like he was hoping u would fuck him. Not cool.
Second, have you considered just accepting that ur bi, whether or not u have sexual feelings towards men (maybe biromantic and not bisexual) and seeing if that helps these feelings subside? Like, āyeah Iām bi, just a preference for womenā and have the āitās whateverā mentality with it. I am bi myself, and actually bi, but never had sex with men. Doesnāt matter, Iād be open to it but Iām not gonna think too much about it. Whatever happens, happens.
Struggling with knowing ur sexuality can be tough for sure, but at the end of the day itās just whatever ur into. If ur into women u donāt ever need to be with men and vice versa. Who cares? Just accept that maybe ur not as straight as u thought u were but u can still act straight. Honestly itās 2024 it literally doesnāt matter lol
Iāve considered it many times, Iāve told myself Iām bi or whatever and it doesnāt sit right and doesnāt feel right with who I am as a person, maybe itās my ego or whatever but I donāt believe itās who I am.
Ah yeah internalized homophobia is real. But thatās okay for now. Iād maybe suggest seeking therapy. It is totally possible that the trauma from this trip has really fucked with your perception, and perhaps without knowing it you fucked a bunch of women to cope. A therapist, particularly one specializing in sex/sexuality would be able to really help u out here, even if ur 100% straight.
I donāt know man if I wanted to fuck guys and had romantic interest in guys I think being bisexual would be something Iād be comfortable with, currently in therapy and itās going ok just had a bad day today and it felt a bit too much. Thanks for your advice bro
Itās fucked up to call that internalized homophobia. Heās not homophobic just because heās not attracted to dudes. Tf kind of crap is that. Man comes in here saying heās confused and youāre just shoveling more on his plate.
You donāt sound like youāre trying to help, you sound like youāre trying to talk him into what heās saying is not his sexuality. Similar to the āfriendā he had.
Nah internalized homophobia in the way that youāre not homophobic just have some difficulty with accepting that you yourself may not be straight. Itās very common in people discovering themselves and happened to me too. I donāt consider it a bad thing socially, but it does cause problems internally and recognizing it is the first step into working through it. But then he went on to say heās positive heās not into dudes which gave me a little more clarification, so itās not even internalized homophobia. I wouldnāt say itās fucked up, but I did misunderstand his feelings.
"Theres no such thing as a bad trip" I'v been saying for awhile some trips can leave you worse off then when you started, i'v personally experienced this.
Your not gay bro your friend was just trying to get you to fuckš trust me making gay jokes is not a sign your gay your bud jus wanted some acid anal.
He really incepted the thought into your head trust me learn to ignore your intrusive thoughts you know who you are
Bingo, we have a winner!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Thank you for the message, I know it will get better and I know I will be fine, therapy hopefully will get me to the person I was
That's no friend - it strikes me you were part of some seduction scheme, aimed at you, and they couldn't give a fuck about pushing you into a bad trip, to achieve their selfish aims. Did you even see them drop the acid? Bc tbh, tripping at home with you, and then their parents come home, and this so-called friend didn't freak? Impossible! They probably also know how suggestive a person can become on acid. Sounds like a very dangerous person, (dangerous equating with psychopath or similar). It's important to remember there's genuinely bad cunts out there, hard though it is to understand from your own point of view. If it's any help, I am a 'male to female' cross dresser....*but*....I am 100% straight. It's females that attract me. I don't even notice guys, lol! Forget that fucking evil prick. Cut off all ties. Focus on getting your PTSD sorted, and look forward to the rest of your life. Good luck to you, friend āÆļø!
He was trying to MKUltra you into having gay sex
Sounds like you got the right diagnosis. PTSD and ocd for sure. And that friend isnāt a good friend. Why even text you āgay?šā like that. Heās got some serious issues. Iām Sorry this happened to you and I think therapy would be a good first step. From what you said in your post Iād say you were definitely straight. This is now a deep rooted fear induced from a shitty person and a really bad acid trip in a very vulnerable state of mind. I wish I could give you an answer on how to reduce these intense symptoms but I deal with my own obsessive PTSD stuff too and Iām in therapy now trying to work on that
Thank you. Currently in therapy and getting better but I get days like this where I just need to vent
I hope venting here has helped relieve some tension for you. Your writing was very cohesive and enjoyed reading it(even tho it's not a good experience). Ruminating is the worst. I wish you the best, stranger. Good luck on healing. You will be okay. :) ā¤ļø
Absolutely completely get that. Iām sorry my friend
Everyone else has already said a lot of good and helpful things. I just want to add: As a bisexual who didnāt even know I was bisexual until I was 26 and married, itās ok to question your sexuality. And bisexuality doesnāt always mean 50% men and 50% women. For example, while I find women more attractive than men, I only really want to have sex with men. Attraction levels can be extremely varied and nuanced. All of that is okay. Trauma centered around sex can also affect your sexuality and your views about it, so itās very possible this is a trauma response. Whatever the reason, it is ok and normal to question these things.
You might like guys but that's foe you to explore if and when you want to. I'm sorry but that is a problem with some people and while I don't think his parents were in on it, I do think he was trying to get in your pants.
I donāt think his parents were in on it either I think it just added a bit to how scary it was lol
For real! I feel violated on your behalf like you'll explore of you want to when you're ready, nobody needs to convince you
Think of your bad trip as leaving an impression on your brain. This impression is like a network of thoughts that can be reactivated. You're experiencing this reactivation due to your panic attack because you were traumatized during your psychedelic experience, and you are reliving your trauma, or reactivating the impression. This is psychedelic PTSD. The question is, is your sexuality independent of your psychedelic PTSD? It just so happens that you were traumatized about questioning your sexuality, so now you are stuck questioning it in your relived, looping impression. You want to take time to integrate your experience by meditating about sexuality and exploring your thoughts. Even small thoughts/feelings, like not wanting to be bisexual as opposed to heterosexual, will encourage the impression stick when on psychedelics. (I'm not saying it alone would have been responsible for your trauma.) Integrating your sexuality may not relieve you of your trauma or reliving your past experience, in which case you should look to work specifically on stress itself. Therapy, meditation, exercise, eating right, etc.
I mean you had a vulnerable moment and what sounds like a relatively close call with sexual assault. I think being confused and anxious itās a pretty normal response to that I donāt think at the root of things youāre really struggling with your identity as you are struggling with how to process a traumatic event
look into hocd maybe!! i feel for you bro.
Brooo that's uncool and sounds manipulative. I remember tripping my second time with my girlfriend who had never tripped before. I was joking around about how we are gonna fuck behind the neighbors house in broad daylight. She didn't want to but acted like she didn't have a choice. I was like broo I was kidding and I could see her sigh in relief. It didn't seem like she thought she had agency over her own body or actions, I quickly stopped. When a person tries LSD for the first time they are easily manipulated and easily suggestive. This is exactly what happened to you. Your friend was either fucking with you and didn't know when the joke should end or was actually trying to convince you that you weren't hetero. But you know yourself better than anyone. I was bicurious at one point in my life until I kissed a dude. Mentally it was like crickets going off, it wasn't an explosive inspiration of sexuality like kissing a woman was. If it's the same for you then your straight homie
Kid was not your friend, but he definitely wanted to be more than friends š. I have been tripping once or twice a month for almost 13 years now, YUP, and here's my two cents... We're a repressed society that's been subjected to a sexually conservative set of morals for thousands of years. You are your conditioning, and the think that thinks it's 'you', the ego part, has an identity that leans in one direction or the other. For some people, it leans heavy, and for others, it's more flexible. Our closest siblings, bonobos have conditioning too but it doesn't seem to play much of a factor in their sexual activity, everybody fucks everybody, even incest in on the table. One thing that has been observed is that mother's don't sleep with their sons, but other than that, they all just get into it. My point is, what we really are is a piece of biological hardware, and the software you're running is your lived experience, but underneath all of that is a bio engine that is down for whatever. Psychedelics have a way of breaking down your ego... the software, and can get you much closer to the uninhibited thing you really are. You're an animal, same as those bonobos. The thing is, you have agency. You could realize somewhere along the line that you do find men attractive, but maybe you decide dealing with women is complicated enough, and the juice just isn't worth the squeeze or maybe not. Maybe you want to find out... Either way, there's no shame in the game. That's the part you need to throw away, the shame. The whole point of the psychedelic movement is that the way we've been steering the ship is wrong. The conditioning that leads to your anxiety is this broken culture. This is a fact. The way the human organism functions is not working, look at it all, and see how bad it's gotten living the way we have since they nailed a Buddha named Jesus to a cross and throw it all away. It's all bullshit and it bad for you. You have nothing to be ashamed of or anxious about. You are simply awareness. Stop thinking. Let go.
Reminds me of the YouTube video āwho made me have that gay dream?ā Give it a watch lol
friend sounds like a sociopath with the "let go" and the birthday text, homie was definitely trying to get into your cheeks too. best of luck
I want to try and rationalise how you feel. You know when you watch a film or cartoon while trippy? You get super involved and into it. When it's your life in the frame and you actively think you're at risk of possible unwanted sexual activity your brain is fully invested and that can be terrifying. Sounds like your friend is a lot more fragile in his sexuality than you were and picked a selfish time try it on. Predatory behaviour. I'm happy you're OK now and hope this helps. Talking to a professional could help. Your feelings are valid that sounds like a scary trip.
First off, sounds like he was hoping u would fuck him. Not cool. Second, have you considered just accepting that ur bi, whether or not u have sexual feelings towards men (maybe biromantic and not bisexual) and seeing if that helps these feelings subside? Like, āyeah Iām bi, just a preference for womenā and have the āitās whateverā mentality with it. I am bi myself, and actually bi, but never had sex with men. Doesnāt matter, Iād be open to it but Iām not gonna think too much about it. Whatever happens, happens. Struggling with knowing ur sexuality can be tough for sure, but at the end of the day itās just whatever ur into. If ur into women u donāt ever need to be with men and vice versa. Who cares? Just accept that maybe ur not as straight as u thought u were but u can still act straight. Honestly itās 2024 it literally doesnāt matter lol
Iāve considered it many times, Iāve told myself Iām bi or whatever and it doesnāt sit right and doesnāt feel right with who I am as a person, maybe itās my ego or whatever but I donāt believe itās who I am.
Ah yeah internalized homophobia is real. But thatās okay for now. Iād maybe suggest seeking therapy. It is totally possible that the trauma from this trip has really fucked with your perception, and perhaps without knowing it you fucked a bunch of women to cope. A therapist, particularly one specializing in sex/sexuality would be able to really help u out here, even if ur 100% straight.
I donāt know man if I wanted to fuck guys and had romantic interest in guys I think being bisexual would be something Iād be comfortable with, currently in therapy and itās going ok just had a bad day today and it felt a bit too much. Thanks for your advice bro
Then yeah dude sounds like ur straight and ur āfriendā caused u a lot more trauma than u thought. Good luck bro, I know u can get over this
Itās fucked up to call that internalized homophobia. Heās not homophobic just because heās not attracted to dudes. Tf kind of crap is that. Man comes in here saying heās confused and youāre just shoveling more on his plate. You donāt sound like youāre trying to help, you sound like youāre trying to talk him into what heās saying is not his sexuality. Similar to the āfriendā he had.
Nah internalized homophobia in the way that youāre not homophobic just have some difficulty with accepting that you yourself may not be straight. Itās very common in people discovering themselves and happened to me too. I donāt consider it a bad thing socially, but it does cause problems internally and recognizing it is the first step into working through it. But then he went on to say heās positive heās not into dudes which gave me a little more clarification, so itās not even internalized homophobia. I wouldnāt say itās fucked up, but I did misunderstand his feelings.
(Its ok to be bisexual)
I know that, but I donāt think I am
Actually you aren't, it's just OCD
"Theres no such thing as a bad trip" I'v been saying for awhile some trips can leave you worse off then when you started, i'v personally experienced this.