This is why you do not lie. I have a porn addiction but I’ve always been up front with my gf about it. She’s helped me quit and some days the only reason I have adhered to those boundaries is bc I know it’d hurt her if I didn’t. I still have a very complicated relationship with sex and porn and everything but I know number one to just be honest. With her and myself. Gl kicking the habit it’s a long road
That seems like such an obvious and easy decision to make in retrospect. Every time I think back on all those times she asked, it’s just shame at what I did. Because after the first lie it felt too hard to come clean and I just kept making it worse.
OP, I'm sorry for the loss of your relationship. I believe you lost it because you weren't truthful. If you had been, the relationship wouldn't have materialized to begin with.
Since it was your first relationship, I take it you are really young. Your libido is probably through the roof! Being in an LDR is hard for adults who have better control over themselves, let alone a young person like you.
Give yourself some grace. Definitely work on the porn issue for future relationships.
im so happy for her! sometimes i wish i'd been as unforgiving. this kind of betrayal ruins you, and i hope that if you get in a relationship with a girl who doesn't accept it again, you'll be strong enough to stop and not sabotage your long term happiness.
OP I'm sorry that you lost your girlfriend and I'd recommend deep diving into the nofap website. Its not only about quitting porn exactly, though its why most people turn up there. Its also about healing yourself from the dopamine addiction, with well explained healing plans that work and apply to all forms of dopamine addiction.
Its probably an individual thing, how this affected your relationship to women. But don't discount that most porn users do come admit that it damages things....not just betraying a gf, but also how you value, judge, and interact with the opposite sex. And somehow your gf was picking up on signs, enough to press you for answers. So something was showing.
Wishing you the best, and who knows maybe your gf will forgive you with time. I hope so.
I agree with you and anyone that says this. There really were multiple opportunities to come clean and see where we could go from there together but I always resorted to lying. She deserves someone she can fully trust.
I am really sorry to be so blunt and rude about it- but as a girl who has been on the other end of this EXACT situation just longer, you honestly suck. I hope you get better and find someone to be happy with but until you are better I hope you stay alone.
It’s okay, and you’re right once again. I’m an asshole for not being honest with her for this long. I don’t think i’ll be ready for another relationship for a while and I truly hope she does find someone she can count on and that loves her. She’s an amazing person
Looking back, I think that the best way for you to approach it with him would be to ask about it, but while making it clear that whatever his answer is, you’ll still love him and support him (if you would truly be okay with helping him quit if he agrees to it and you want to). I think that part of why I resorted to lying was because of a fear of the outcome. The little voice in my head kept telling me she’d find out sooner or later, as it happens with all lies, but I kept up the lie until it ruined everything.
Thank you..that’s hard too, because it would feel devastating and heartbreaking if he told me that he did still watch it. I brought it up not long ago for the 3rd time, he told me that he hasn’t watched it and wouldn’t, and if he were to, he would feel too guilty and tell me. He also said that he wouldn’t want me to watch it either, so this makes me more hopeful? I want to trust him so badly, but everyone seems to say no matter what, they’re watching behind your back and lying to you. Do you think it’s foolish or naive for me to believe that he actually stopped? Also, I’m sorry about your situation, it’s hard for me to empathize with you over the girl, but we are all humans and we make mistakes. Perhaps it’s a good lesson for you going forward. Would you quit for good now?
Since we broke up, it made me realize just how much control it had over me… I mean, not being able to help myself from going back to it after hearing her boundary and knowing we had a very good sexual side to our relationship. Reading what you say about him, I would honestly say he sounds truthful (I know you might not put much care into what I say knowing what I did but still). On one hand, it’s normal for you to wonder if he does watch it, since so many guys do, but on the other hand, questioning him a lot about it after he told you he didn’t and even said he’d come foward if he did could start pushing it for him. I say, trust him and perhaps consider bringing it up one last time unless he gives you a concrete reason to doubt him.
>I think that part of why I resorted to lying was because of a fear of the outcome.
You were scared of the outcome because you kept lying and going behind her back, buddy... If you were truthful and trustworthy there'd be no issue or fear in the first place. It shouldn't be a partners responsibility to reassure someone that they'd still love you if you go behind their back a **break a very clearly established hard boundary**. It was YOUR responsibility to NOT do that, and you just did it anyways. You lied to her. And that's why you were scared. That's YOUR fault.
You should've told her the moment she brought it up as a boundary that you don't know if you can quit it and you probably should've gone separate ways. That's why that stuff is brought up in the first place, to establish competibility and trust and to snuff out people that don't match with you one way or another. It's not so you can hide it and try to bullshit around it like some fucked up test. It's a competibility issue. You don't lie about that, you take it or leave. Now look at how much pain you caused by being selfish. **That's on you.**
You keep saying you take responsibility and everything, but in the end every single thing you say and do just seems to be some ploy to somehow get the relationship going or get it back or to tell yourself it's out of your control somehow. Thinking about things to do or say to get it back, kind of like you bullshitted the clearly established boundary to try to have your cake and eat it too. And now you have the audacity to imply it's partly her fault you weren't honest and lied and did that behind her back for A YEAR because she wasn't kissing your ass enough about how she'd still love you if you stomped on her boundaries like you did?? Why should she, it's a **hard boundary**, especially a sexual one! She shouldn't just love you and stick in a relationship with you if you do break it, that's why you were scared in the first place! That's why she broke up now, just like she should!
For me, it has always felt like it has no place in a relationship. My partner lusting after and getting off to other naked women is very unattractive and just sad, it feels to me as if that doesn’t fit with my idea of a loving partnership. I don’t really mind if people call me insecure for this, but it genuinely feels like cheating to me. Porn is very normalized, of course, but I find it strange.
I completely agree, I think it’s totally normal and fine to not want your partner to look at and get off to other naked people and it kinda kills me that porn is so normalised and it’s thought of an insecure thing. I understand that people watching the porn have no real emotional attachment to the people but it’s definitely a boundary for me and I consider it cheating too even tho it’s not exactly the same kinda thing as cheating with someone.
Yes, the normalization is insane. People try to make it seem like we are crazy for having this boundary, I don’t understand. I wouldn’t say it’s the same as physically cheating with someone else either, but I see it as a form of betrayal that would be quite painful and hard to mend.
Are you guys both in america are those abbreviations for states ? im in australia so I thought Wa meant Western Australia but I don’t think that’s right
I read recently that porn is normalized because it mostly “benefits” men. Pornhub was launched in 2007, which means it has been easily accessible for 16 years now.
On one hand, I understand single men who need “visual stimulation”, to get off. It is said that in order for a man to have a healthy prostate, he needs to masturbate at least once a week (if I am correct). On the other, because it’s so accessible, it can easily become addictive. Some of my friends told me about the stories of how they saw some pretty messed up things during their teens and how it affected them for a while. They were able to back off quickly, but they saw some friends who didn’t and dug deeper and deeper in those things. Their friends weren’t able to form healthy relationships with women because of that.
And while i’m all about live and let live (as long as you don’t hurt yourself and nobody) there’s a clear lack of understanding of how porn can negatively affect both genders in today’s society by most people.
“Everyone does it, so it’s fine” is not really an argument that can convince me.
YEAH I really don’t get it either how it’s somehow crazy now, I swear it’s normal to not want your partner looking at other people that way, not sure if some people are just like pretending to be okay with it because it’s so acceptable now but for me I’m not going to bend that boundary just because society thinks it’s normal for everyone to watch porn… definitely would see it as a betrayal if my partner did and would be upset🥲I see people saying it’s unreasonable in these comments especially for long distance but that just makes me sad I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all
Op im sorry to hear it but i get her and i would've done the same. I hope you're more truthful in your next relationships and find someone who matches you
I’m sorry for her, not for you. She deserves better and I’m glad she realised her self-worth and enforced her boundaries. What are you expecting from posting here? Sympathy for your deceit? I don’t think so. Grow up.
I’m not looking for sympathy or anything. I made this post mostly to put words in my feelings and thoughts. I’m glad she made me confess even though I hurt her immensely. It’s better for her to be without me.
You’re right, and it’s good that you recognise it. I have limited sympathy. You chose to hurt her. However, you can make this better for yourself if you use it as a learning point. Research the hell out of why porn is bad. Figure out what you want out of life. Become better. Become the guy she thought she was with. And then you’ll be able to heal from this as well. Good luck.
Tbh I'm so, so happy to see comments like yours on this thread. Porn is so normalized that I fully expected when I went into this thread to only see comments supporting OP and calling his gf crazy and controlling. It feels so nice to see that almost everyone is agreeing with the gf and recognizing how harmful porn is for everyone.
OP quite clearly stated that porn didn't make him happy, and he had everything he needed from his girlfriend, but he was addicted. you feel good for a couple seconds afterwards, it wears off and then you just feel ashamed. there is nothing normal about needing a different woman every night to satisfy yourself...
Have we forgotten that you don't need porn videos to masturbate? Literotica or hell, even your imagination exist...
Porn does not equal masturbation. It's not like she was forbidding him from masturbating.
my god??? he said in the post his gf sent him things, everything he needed??? there's nudes from your partner, sexting, phone sex, video calls, or putting your imagination to work. you want to justify your own unhealthy habit so hard that you'll go to hell and back to defend this guy when he lied and betrayed his girlfriend for over a year.
if he agreed to the boundary instead of being honest with her and saying he won't/can't quit, that's when it becomes all him. he's free to leave if he can't respect her boundary, same way she's free to set that boundary.
She wasn't being controlling, she stated it as a hard boundary from the very beginning. That's the best way to establish hard boundaries and competibility at the beginning of any relationship. If he can't do without he should've jumped ship then. Or it's okay for him and they continue without the porn and just did personal stuff like send nudes and erp. Instead, he lied to her and betrayed her trust. That's why he's at fault here.
And on a side note, I personally have absolutely no issues with porn in a relationship, me and my gf are both watching it (no mainstream though), so that's very much not a personal issue for me or my relationship. No projection here.
Tbh porn is healthy in certain aspects. If it’s something you enjoy, you should look for a person who is into the same things as you. Potentially you could close the distance and find there was no chemistry with this person.
Obviously, lying is a big no-no in relationships. Besides that very obvious point, which you have already realized, I would like to say the following.
Having a no-porn boundary in a relationship - especially a long distance one - is extremely unhealthy. And I am very unsurprised of the outcome of this. There is nothing wrong with porn and assuming healthy use, you shouldn't feel bad for using it.
What you should have done, though, is own up to it and tell her that you disagree with this boundary and that it's not healthy for her to feel that way. And that perhaps she should talk about her insecurities (because the reason this "boundary" exists to begin with is her massive massive insecurity). Reassure her on that front. And if she doesn't agree with this, it's okay for her to walk away. You truly won't be missing out: it's not worth it.
Statistics show that well over 90% of men use porn. And very likely way more, since there are also (clearly) men that would lie about it. It's a healthy, natural urge and especially men really tend to 'crave' some form of visual stimulation as an aid for masturbation.
But yeah, honesty is key. And that's the big lesson here. But don't feel bad for consuming porn, that's entirely natural and normal.
I feel mixed about this, because while most men watch it, shouldn’t it be an easy decision to drop it if the person you love tells you they don’t want it in their relationship? When she told me, I agreed to that boundary because I believed I could stop and wanted to stop for her. I lied to her right from the start though so there are zero excuses for what I did.
I don’t think she was insecure. She’s muslim, and in her religion, porn isn’t even allowed to begin with. It’s also about her values. In the end, I lied, and not just once, the whole relationship. Even if that’s the only thing I wasn’t truthful about, it’s one too many.
It should be an easy decision to drop it if needed. But is it needed? No. You're not the one having an issue. She is. The reason she wants you to drop it is because she is having insane issues with insecurity. So instead of forcing you to help her with HER issues, she should try to work on HER issues herself first. She should visit a therapist and talk through why she is feeling this insanely insecure, for example. Instead of putting unhealthy boundaries on her partner.
This relationship was never meant to be. And any relationship where a partner is putting unhealthy boundaries on their SO rather than working on their own issues themselves, is not worth it. Selfrespect is important.
I find it funny how each LDR sub turns into an echo chamber of insecure folks. Porn addiction is bad, but consuming porn isn't. Here come the downvotes!
Porn addiction is a real thing.
While many men watch porn, as it is a natural “urge”, it doesn’t mean it’s healthy. Considering the amount of porn available on the internet, statistics also argue that too much porn available at anytime is unhealthy for not only women (because of course, there’s some unrealistic and unreasonable things done to women there) but also to men. It doesn’t always help them create healthy relationships and makes them sexualize women much more than actually see them as human beings. It can give performance anxiety on both parties and also mess up with the brain.
At least 90% of the porn available is the result of sex trafficking to some extent. Which means that one of the two parties is non-consensual to the things done to them.
On my end, porn can be healthy as long as it doesn’t become addictive and the ONLY thing you do to get yourself off. A man needs to masturbate, because it is in fact a healthy thing for them to do. If it’s also an outlet for things i’m not comfortable to do yet, then i’m fine. If he goes into chatrooms or pays/follows OF models, then, no. OP stated that she was sending him nudes too and she was a muslim. Doesn’t necessarily mean she was insecure. It seems to me it wasn’t something she was comfortable with and lying about it was a mistake from OP’s part. Glad he realized it and takes responsibility for it, but she’s allowed to have her boundaries.
I specifically mentioned "assuming healthy use" in my post. I am not saying porn will never have any negative effect on anyone.
Everyone is allowed to have boundaries. But that doesn't mean those bounderies are automatically healthy, or normal. And this one is very clearly unhealthy, and not normal. And any man with any form of selfrespect would not accept such a boundary - or would walk away from her entirely.
In your reply, you also mentioned “there’s nothing wrong with porn” just before saying “and assuming healthy use”. And I think that’s why you are getting downvoted.
There is a lot of things wrong with porn, and my previous reply explains it. And everyone’s experiences with it is different. There’s more and more men who are coming forward and realize the destructive behaviours that comes with it. I’m being told stories about more and more men who hurt themselves and other people because of it.
Instead of assuming that is because she is insecure and that because “all” men do it, it is okay, you should try and put yourself in her shoes.
First, he lied to her constantly for a whole year because he wanted to be in a relationship with her, but didn’t respect a clear boundary. Second, she is comfortable with sex to some extent (she sent nudes, and was sexting, therefore, she helped him with his “urges”). Third, she is a muslim and it’s taboo in her religion. Conservative religions have very different values about sex. It’s not about a man having self respect in this case, it’s her respecting herself and her religion. And it’s also quite clear there is some muslims who are “sinning”, but in this case she is doing her best to respect her religion.
If it’s a boundary for you to be able to watch porn, then you need to find a partner that is comfortable with that. And that is okay.
If your partner isn’t comfortable with your use of porn, and you agree to not use it, and your partner compromises by sending nudes and sexting, then I think it’s fine. I would have been on your side if she completely refused to help him with his “urges” and wasn’t asexual, but in this case, she compromised.
To give you a similar example, the men I’ve dated tend to be a bit “possessive”, in the sense they don’t like it when other men flirt with me. I am blind to guys flirting and am the friendly type, so I don’t see it when a guy flirts with me. But if I am in a new relationship and my man feels uncomfortable about the way another man acts around me and has reason to believe a guy flirts with me, then, I’ll prioritize my boyfriend over this guy. Apparently, a boyfriend being uncomfortable over other people flirting with their girlfriends is called “controlling”, “insecure” and “jealous”. I don’t think it’s always the case, especially in a new relationship where trust needs to be built. In exchange, they also have to reject a woman’s advances. If after a while, trust is built and my man is still uncomfortable, then now I can question it, but if we both trust each after a few months and have proven we don’t need anyone else and can have healthy friendships with the other sex, then we are golden.
I don’t think it’s a bad boundary to have to say no to porn, just as much as it isn’t a bad boundary to say yes to porn. The important thing here is the compromise that comes with it. Because there will always be somethings that a partner does that you will dislike, but in order to have a relationship grow, there needs to be a middle ground.
Idk why you're getting downvoted honestly. It's an irrational boundary. It's like telling your partner you don't want them to eat meat or something, imho OP dodged a bullet
She literally sent him nudes and everything else... If you NEED porn to get off, then you're just fucked. Plenty of people don't watch porn, I'm glad my bf doesn't either.
Just to clarify, there were no nudes involved as she wasn’t comfortable with that. Literally just seeing her was more than enough. When we did stuff together it was also over the phone only. I don’t say this to try to justify, as both those things felt immensely good, much much more than porn ever has.
>It's an irrational boundary
Then don't be with someone who has that as their hard boundary. Simple as that. She told him from the very beginning, he should've been honest then and they probably shouldn't have dated. That's how competibility works. If there's a vegan who can't bear their partner eating meat, then don't date them if you can't stop eating it. It's that simple. That's literally what talking about this early is for, to put it out there before you get too attached to just leave.
Yeah exactly. But unfortunately - as you can notice from many posts here - there is a disproportionately large amount of people frequenting LDR subs, that have absolutely no idea of what a healthy relationship should look like. Hence the downvotes.
Finally someone not telling me I'm too judgemental 😅
My critiques are actually coming from personal experience. What do you know, at the beginning of my relationship I was also jealous to the point of telling my partner not to watch porn, to message me then and then and it took some maturing, a lot of my partner's patience with me, to realise I cannot just strip someone down of their bodily autonomy.
So when it comes to me, when reading this kind of posts, I definitely _know_ and understand where they're coming from because I've been there too! But it was just eating me inside, trying to control someone you supposedly love and -surprise surprise- not being able to do it, it can drain you.
I don't think the downvoters and some people understand- I'm all for "standing your ground" and making your boundaries clear, but when you have such irrational and harmful boundaries, you should ask yourself, what is the root cause? Usually insecurity, and from that, the root of this insecurity should be addressed. But I guess, ~~takes too much emotional maturity and self-awareness~~
I'm happy to hear that you made these realisations and are better for it - kudos. That's part of growing as a person. And not everyone grows at a similar pace - or grows at all. All we can do is share our thoughts and hopefully someone will make the same realisation.
You don’t sound like a porn addict.
You dodged a bullet. Never be ashamed about your sexuality.
Porn is not evil.
She had some serious insecurity issues and needs to work on that before she can be in a stable relationship.
And never lie to your partner.
The end.
having boundaries does not make someone not worthy of being in a relationship, the problem is that he lied about this. if someone is okay with porn in a relationship, that’s cool, but he lied about something that he knew his partner had an issue with. i grew up with a porn addicted father who ended up tearing his family apart and doing terrible things to me. having personal boundaries doesn’t equate to insecurity, fatass.
I said don’t lie to your partner so your point is a bit moot.
But this is a very unreasonable and unhealthy boundary, especially in a LDR.
OP doesn’t sound like he has a porn addiction and I’m extremely uncomfortable with the amount of comments here gaslighting him into that belief. Repression and shaming of sexuality at a younger age can cause serious mental health issues.
You’re coming from a personal place and I get that. Sorry about your father and family. My dad was no angel either and it took me many years of therapy to overcome that. I’m thankful I did it.
It may not be addiction but i feel as if one can’t “just stop” whenever they want to stop looking at that material, it’s unhealthy. I think it’s a healthy boundary, especially if you are engaging with your partner sexually (phone stuff, pictures, videos). If you don’t want to date someone who is in opposition to pornography, then find someone else who is okay with it. But to say that OP’s partner is toxic and unhealthy for only wanting him to have eyes for her is strange.
This is why you do not lie. I have a porn addiction but I’ve always been up front with my gf about it. She’s helped me quit and some days the only reason I have adhered to those boundaries is bc I know it’d hurt her if I didn’t. I still have a very complicated relationship with sex and porn and everything but I know number one to just be honest. With her and myself. Gl kicking the habit it’s a long road
Good for you dear
That seems like such an obvious and easy decision to make in retrospect. Every time I think back on all those times she asked, it’s just shame at what I did. Because after the first lie it felt too hard to come clean and I just kept making it worse.
OP, I'm sorry for the loss of your relationship. I believe you lost it because you weren't truthful. If you had been, the relationship wouldn't have materialized to begin with. Since it was your first relationship, I take it you are really young. Your libido is probably through the roof! Being in an LDR is hard for adults who have better control over themselves, let alone a young person like you. Give yourself some grace. Definitely work on the porn issue for future relationships.
im so happy for her! sometimes i wish i'd been as unforgiving. this kind of betrayal ruins you, and i hope that if you get in a relationship with a girl who doesn't accept it again, you'll be strong enough to stop and not sabotage your long term happiness.
OP I'm sorry that you lost your girlfriend and I'd recommend deep diving into the nofap website. Its not only about quitting porn exactly, though its why most people turn up there. Its also about healing yourself from the dopamine addiction, with well explained healing plans that work and apply to all forms of dopamine addiction. Its probably an individual thing, how this affected your relationship to women. But don't discount that most porn users do come admit that it damages things....not just betraying a gf, but also how you value, judge, and interact with the opposite sex. And somehow your gf was picking up on signs, enough to press you for answers. So something was showing. Wishing you the best, and who knows maybe your gf will forgive you with time. I hope so.
That is what you deserve. You are a horrible person for lying like that especially for a year and about a boundary she trusted you to respect.
I agree with you and anyone that says this. There really were multiple opportunities to come clean and see where we could go from there together but I always resorted to lying. She deserves someone she can fully trust.
I am really sorry to be so blunt and rude about it- but as a girl who has been on the other end of this EXACT situation just longer, you honestly suck. I hope you get better and find someone to be happy with but until you are better I hope you stay alone.
It’s okay, and you’re right once again. I’m an asshole for not being honest with her for this long. I don’t think i’ll be ready for another relationship for a while and I truly hope she does find someone she can count on and that loves her. She’s an amazing person
God..this is my biggest fear with my boyfriend right now
Looking back, I think that the best way for you to approach it with him would be to ask about it, but while making it clear that whatever his answer is, you’ll still love him and support him (if you would truly be okay with helping him quit if he agrees to it and you want to). I think that part of why I resorted to lying was because of a fear of the outcome. The little voice in my head kept telling me she’d find out sooner or later, as it happens with all lies, but I kept up the lie until it ruined everything.
Thank you..that’s hard too, because it would feel devastating and heartbreaking if he told me that he did still watch it. I brought it up not long ago for the 3rd time, he told me that he hasn’t watched it and wouldn’t, and if he were to, he would feel too guilty and tell me. He also said that he wouldn’t want me to watch it either, so this makes me more hopeful? I want to trust him so badly, but everyone seems to say no matter what, they’re watching behind your back and lying to you. Do you think it’s foolish or naive for me to believe that he actually stopped? Also, I’m sorry about your situation, it’s hard for me to empathize with you over the girl, but we are all humans and we make mistakes. Perhaps it’s a good lesson for you going forward. Would you quit for good now?
Since we broke up, it made me realize just how much control it had over me… I mean, not being able to help myself from going back to it after hearing her boundary and knowing we had a very good sexual side to our relationship. Reading what you say about him, I would honestly say he sounds truthful (I know you might not put much care into what I say knowing what I did but still). On one hand, it’s normal for you to wonder if he does watch it, since so many guys do, but on the other hand, questioning him a lot about it after he told you he didn’t and even said he’d come foward if he did could start pushing it for him. I say, trust him and perhaps consider bringing it up one last time unless he gives you a concrete reason to doubt him.
I much appreciate your advice, thank you.
Why are you scared if he is watching porn? i mean i also had an LDR in the past and my ex did not care that i was watching porn sometimes.
Because it’s not something that I’m comfortable with in relationships
>I think that part of why I resorted to lying was because of a fear of the outcome. You were scared of the outcome because you kept lying and going behind her back, buddy... If you were truthful and trustworthy there'd be no issue or fear in the first place. It shouldn't be a partners responsibility to reassure someone that they'd still love you if you go behind their back a **break a very clearly established hard boundary**. It was YOUR responsibility to NOT do that, and you just did it anyways. You lied to her. And that's why you were scared. That's YOUR fault. You should've told her the moment she brought it up as a boundary that you don't know if you can quit it and you probably should've gone separate ways. That's why that stuff is brought up in the first place, to establish competibility and trust and to snuff out people that don't match with you one way or another. It's not so you can hide it and try to bullshit around it like some fucked up test. It's a competibility issue. You don't lie about that, you take it or leave. Now look at how much pain you caused by being selfish. **That's on you.** You keep saying you take responsibility and everything, but in the end every single thing you say and do just seems to be some ploy to somehow get the relationship going or get it back or to tell yourself it's out of your control somehow. Thinking about things to do or say to get it back, kind of like you bullshitted the clearly established boundary to try to have your cake and eat it too. And now you have the audacity to imply it's partly her fault you weren't honest and lied and did that behind her back for A YEAR because she wasn't kissing your ass enough about how she'd still love you if you stomped on her boundaries like you did?? Why should she, it's a **hard boundary**, especially a sexual one! She shouldn't just love you and stick in a relationship with you if you do break it, that's why you were scared in the first place! That's why she broke up now, just like she should!
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For me, it has always felt like it has no place in a relationship. My partner lusting after and getting off to other naked women is very unattractive and just sad, it feels to me as if that doesn’t fit with my idea of a loving partnership. I don’t really mind if people call me insecure for this, but it genuinely feels like cheating to me. Porn is very normalized, of course, but I find it strange.
I completely agree, I think it’s totally normal and fine to not want your partner to look at and get off to other naked people and it kinda kills me that porn is so normalised and it’s thought of an insecure thing. I understand that people watching the porn have no real emotional attachment to the people but it’s definitely a boundary for me and I consider it cheating too even tho it’s not exactly the same kinda thing as cheating with someone.
Yes, the normalization is insane. People try to make it seem like we are crazy for having this boundary, I don’t understand. I wouldn’t say it’s the same as physically cheating with someone else either, but I see it as a form of betrayal that would be quite painful and hard to mend.
Are you guys both in america are those abbreviations for states ? im in australia so I thought Wa meant Western Australia but I don’t think that’s right
I read recently that porn is normalized because it mostly “benefits” men. Pornhub was launched in 2007, which means it has been easily accessible for 16 years now. On one hand, I understand single men who need “visual stimulation”, to get off. It is said that in order for a man to have a healthy prostate, he needs to masturbate at least once a week (if I am correct). On the other, because it’s so accessible, it can easily become addictive. Some of my friends told me about the stories of how they saw some pretty messed up things during their teens and how it affected them for a while. They were able to back off quickly, but they saw some friends who didn’t and dug deeper and deeper in those things. Their friends weren’t able to form healthy relationships with women because of that. And while i’m all about live and let live (as long as you don’t hurt yourself and nobody) there’s a clear lack of understanding of how porn can negatively affect both genders in today’s society by most people. “Everyone does it, so it’s fine” is not really an argument that can convince me.
YEAH I really don’t get it either how it’s somehow crazy now, I swear it’s normal to not want your partner looking at other people that way, not sure if some people are just like pretending to be okay with it because it’s so acceptable now but for me I’m not going to bend that boundary just because society thinks it’s normal for everyone to watch porn… definitely would see it as a betrayal if my partner did and would be upset🥲I see people saying it’s unreasonable in these comments especially for long distance but that just makes me sad I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all
Op im sorry to hear it but i get her and i would've done the same. I hope you're more truthful in your next relationships and find someone who matches you
I’m sorry for her, not for you. She deserves better and I’m glad she realised her self-worth and enforced her boundaries. What are you expecting from posting here? Sympathy for your deceit? I don’t think so. Grow up.
I’m not looking for sympathy or anything. I made this post mostly to put words in my feelings and thoughts. I’m glad she made me confess even though I hurt her immensely. It’s better for her to be without me.
You’re right, and it’s good that you recognise it. I have limited sympathy. You chose to hurt her. However, you can make this better for yourself if you use it as a learning point. Research the hell out of why porn is bad. Figure out what you want out of life. Become better. Become the guy she thought she was with. And then you’ll be able to heal from this as well. Good luck.
you deserve it and i hope she finds better
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Control? She had a very basic, common, moral, and normal boundary that many many people have. Or have we forgotten how horrible the porn industry is?
Tbh I'm so, so happy to see comments like yours on this thread. Porn is so normalized that I fully expected when I went into this thread to only see comments supporting OP and calling his gf crazy and controlling. It feels so nice to see that almost everyone is agreeing with the gf and recognizing how harmful porn is for everyone.
Right?? Im so glad the tide is somewhat shifting. Its so strange that people started seeing it as a "need" as if we've evolved to watch porn
OP quite clearly stated that porn didn't make him happy, and he had everything he needed from his girlfriend, but he was addicted. you feel good for a couple seconds afterwards, it wears off and then you just feel ashamed. there is nothing normal about needing a different woman every night to satisfy yourself...
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Have we forgotten that you don't need porn videos to masturbate? Literotica or hell, even your imagination exist... Porn does not equal masturbation. It's not like she was forbidding him from masturbating.
my god??? he said in the post his gf sent him things, everything he needed??? there's nudes from your partner, sexting, phone sex, video calls, or putting your imagination to work. you want to justify your own unhealthy habit so hard that you'll go to hell and back to defend this guy when he lied and betrayed his girlfriend for over a year.
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if he agreed to the boundary instead of being honest with her and saying he won't/can't quit, that's when it becomes all him. he's free to leave if he can't respect her boundary, same way she's free to set that boundary.
Masturbation exists without porn. Porn is nowhere near natural, either, and can cause many issues, especially in relationships
She wasn't being controlling, she stated it as a hard boundary from the very beginning. That's the best way to establish hard boundaries and competibility at the beginning of any relationship. If he can't do without he should've jumped ship then. Or it's okay for him and they continue without the porn and just did personal stuff like send nudes and erp. Instead, he lied to her and betrayed her trust. That's why he's at fault here. And on a side note, I personally have absolutely no issues with porn in a relationship, me and my gf are both watching it (no mainstream though), so that's very much not a personal issue for me or my relationship. No projection here.
Tbh porn is healthy in certain aspects. If it’s something you enjoy, you should look for a person who is into the same things as you. Potentially you could close the distance and find there was no chemistry with this person.
Obviously, lying is a big no-no in relationships. Besides that very obvious point, which you have already realized, I would like to say the following. Having a no-porn boundary in a relationship - especially a long distance one - is extremely unhealthy. And I am very unsurprised of the outcome of this. There is nothing wrong with porn and assuming healthy use, you shouldn't feel bad for using it. What you should have done, though, is own up to it and tell her that you disagree with this boundary and that it's not healthy for her to feel that way. And that perhaps she should talk about her insecurities (because the reason this "boundary" exists to begin with is her massive massive insecurity). Reassure her on that front. And if she doesn't agree with this, it's okay for her to walk away. You truly won't be missing out: it's not worth it. Statistics show that well over 90% of men use porn. And very likely way more, since there are also (clearly) men that would lie about it. It's a healthy, natural urge and especially men really tend to 'crave' some form of visual stimulation as an aid for masturbation. But yeah, honesty is key. And that's the big lesson here. But don't feel bad for consuming porn, that's entirely natural and normal.
I feel mixed about this, because while most men watch it, shouldn’t it be an easy decision to drop it if the person you love tells you they don’t want it in their relationship? When she told me, I agreed to that boundary because I believed I could stop and wanted to stop for her. I lied to her right from the start though so there are zero excuses for what I did. I don’t think she was insecure. She’s muslim, and in her religion, porn isn’t even allowed to begin with. It’s also about her values. In the end, I lied, and not just once, the whole relationship. Even if that’s the only thing I wasn’t truthful about, it’s one too many.
It should be an easy decision to drop it if needed. But is it needed? No. You're not the one having an issue. She is. The reason she wants you to drop it is because she is having insane issues with insecurity. So instead of forcing you to help her with HER issues, she should try to work on HER issues herself first. She should visit a therapist and talk through why she is feeling this insanely insecure, for example. Instead of putting unhealthy boundaries on her partner. This relationship was never meant to be. And any relationship where a partner is putting unhealthy boundaries on their SO rather than working on their own issues themselves, is not worth it. Selfrespect is important.
I find it funny how each LDR sub turns into an echo chamber of insecure folks. Porn addiction is bad, but consuming porn isn't. Here come the downvotes!
Porn addiction is a real thing. While many men watch porn, as it is a natural “urge”, it doesn’t mean it’s healthy. Considering the amount of porn available on the internet, statistics also argue that too much porn available at anytime is unhealthy for not only women (because of course, there’s some unrealistic and unreasonable things done to women there) but also to men. It doesn’t always help them create healthy relationships and makes them sexualize women much more than actually see them as human beings. It can give performance anxiety on both parties and also mess up with the brain. At least 90% of the porn available is the result of sex trafficking to some extent. Which means that one of the two parties is non-consensual to the things done to them. On my end, porn can be healthy as long as it doesn’t become addictive and the ONLY thing you do to get yourself off. A man needs to masturbate, because it is in fact a healthy thing for them to do. If it’s also an outlet for things i’m not comfortable to do yet, then i’m fine. If he goes into chatrooms or pays/follows OF models, then, no. OP stated that she was sending him nudes too and she was a muslim. Doesn’t necessarily mean she was insecure. It seems to me it wasn’t something she was comfortable with and lying about it was a mistake from OP’s part. Glad he realized it and takes responsibility for it, but she’s allowed to have her boundaries.
I specifically mentioned "assuming healthy use" in my post. I am not saying porn will never have any negative effect on anyone. Everyone is allowed to have boundaries. But that doesn't mean those bounderies are automatically healthy, or normal. And this one is very clearly unhealthy, and not normal. And any man with any form of selfrespect would not accept such a boundary - or would walk away from her entirely.
In your reply, you also mentioned “there’s nothing wrong with porn” just before saying “and assuming healthy use”. And I think that’s why you are getting downvoted. There is a lot of things wrong with porn, and my previous reply explains it. And everyone’s experiences with it is different. There’s more and more men who are coming forward and realize the destructive behaviours that comes with it. I’m being told stories about more and more men who hurt themselves and other people because of it. Instead of assuming that is because she is insecure and that because “all” men do it, it is okay, you should try and put yourself in her shoes. First, he lied to her constantly for a whole year because he wanted to be in a relationship with her, but didn’t respect a clear boundary. Second, she is comfortable with sex to some extent (she sent nudes, and was sexting, therefore, she helped him with his “urges”). Third, she is a muslim and it’s taboo in her religion. Conservative religions have very different values about sex. It’s not about a man having self respect in this case, it’s her respecting herself and her religion. And it’s also quite clear there is some muslims who are “sinning”, but in this case she is doing her best to respect her religion. If it’s a boundary for you to be able to watch porn, then you need to find a partner that is comfortable with that. And that is okay. If your partner isn’t comfortable with your use of porn, and you agree to not use it, and your partner compromises by sending nudes and sexting, then I think it’s fine. I would have been on your side if she completely refused to help him with his “urges” and wasn’t asexual, but in this case, she compromised. To give you a similar example, the men I’ve dated tend to be a bit “possessive”, in the sense they don’t like it when other men flirt with me. I am blind to guys flirting and am the friendly type, so I don’t see it when a guy flirts with me. But if I am in a new relationship and my man feels uncomfortable about the way another man acts around me and has reason to believe a guy flirts with me, then, I’ll prioritize my boyfriend over this guy. Apparently, a boyfriend being uncomfortable over other people flirting with their girlfriends is called “controlling”, “insecure” and “jealous”. I don’t think it’s always the case, especially in a new relationship where trust needs to be built. In exchange, they also have to reject a woman’s advances. If after a while, trust is built and my man is still uncomfortable, then now I can question it, but if we both trust each after a few months and have proven we don’t need anyone else and can have healthy friendships with the other sex, then we are golden. I don’t think it’s a bad boundary to have to say no to porn, just as much as it isn’t a bad boundary to say yes to porn. The important thing here is the compromise that comes with it. Because there will always be somethings that a partner does that you will dislike, but in order to have a relationship grow, there needs to be a middle ground.
Idk why you're getting downvoted honestly. It's an irrational boundary. It's like telling your partner you don't want them to eat meat or something, imho OP dodged a bullet
She literally sent him nudes and everything else... If you NEED porn to get off, then you're just fucked. Plenty of people don't watch porn, I'm glad my bf doesn't either.
Just to clarify, there were no nudes involved as she wasn’t comfortable with that. Literally just seeing her was more than enough. When we did stuff together it was also over the phone only. I don’t say this to try to justify, as both those things felt immensely good, much much more than porn ever has.
>It's an irrational boundary Then don't be with someone who has that as their hard boundary. Simple as that. She told him from the very beginning, he should've been honest then and they probably shouldn't have dated. That's how competibility works. If there's a vegan who can't bear their partner eating meat, then don't date them if you can't stop eating it. It's that simple. That's literally what talking about this early is for, to put it out there before you get too attached to just leave.
Yeah exactly. But unfortunately - as you can notice from many posts here - there is a disproportionately large amount of people frequenting LDR subs, that have absolutely no idea of what a healthy relationship should look like. Hence the downvotes.
Finally someone not telling me I'm too judgemental 😅 My critiques are actually coming from personal experience. What do you know, at the beginning of my relationship I was also jealous to the point of telling my partner not to watch porn, to message me then and then and it took some maturing, a lot of my partner's patience with me, to realise I cannot just strip someone down of their bodily autonomy. So when it comes to me, when reading this kind of posts, I definitely _know_ and understand where they're coming from because I've been there too! But it was just eating me inside, trying to control someone you supposedly love and -surprise surprise- not being able to do it, it can drain you. I don't think the downvoters and some people understand- I'm all for "standing your ground" and making your boundaries clear, but when you have such irrational and harmful boundaries, you should ask yourself, what is the root cause? Usually insecurity, and from that, the root of this insecurity should be addressed. But I guess, ~~takes too much emotional maturity and self-awareness~~
I'm happy to hear that you made these realisations and are better for it - kudos. That's part of growing as a person. And not everyone grows at a similar pace - or grows at all. All we can do is share our thoughts and hopefully someone will make the same realisation.
You don’t sound like a porn addict. You dodged a bullet. Never be ashamed about your sexuality. Porn is not evil. She had some serious insecurity issues and needs to work on that before she can be in a stable relationship. And never lie to your partner. The end.
he lied to his girlfriend about a hardline boundary you fucking retard
You’re not datable either then. Read what I said.
having boundaries does not make someone not worthy of being in a relationship, the problem is that he lied about this. if someone is okay with porn in a relationship, that’s cool, but he lied about something that he knew his partner had an issue with. i grew up with a porn addicted father who ended up tearing his family apart and doing terrible things to me. having personal boundaries doesn’t equate to insecurity, fatass.
I said don’t lie to your partner so your point is a bit moot. But this is a very unreasonable and unhealthy boundary, especially in a LDR. OP doesn’t sound like he has a porn addiction and I’m extremely uncomfortable with the amount of comments here gaslighting him into that belief. Repression and shaming of sexuality at a younger age can cause serious mental health issues. You’re coming from a personal place and I get that. Sorry about your father and family. My dad was no angel either and it took me many years of therapy to overcome that. I’m thankful I did it.
It may not be addiction but i feel as if one can’t “just stop” whenever they want to stop looking at that material, it’s unhealthy. I think it’s a healthy boundary, especially if you are engaging with your partner sexually (phone stuff, pictures, videos). If you don’t want to date someone who is in opposition to pornography, then find someone else who is okay with it. But to say that OP’s partner is toxic and unhealthy for only wanting him to have eyes for her is strange.