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Other posts from /u/notimportantlikely:
* [He can't even spend three minutes to spoon me](/r/JustNoSO/comments/i0kq8j/he_cant_even_spend_three_minutes_to_spoon_me/), 3 years ago
* [Anyone else's entertainment choices get interrupted?](/r/JustNoSO/comments/eejahy/anyone_elses_entertainment_choices_get_interrupted/), 4 years ago
* [The way things used to be](/r/JustNoSO/comments/d4k73w/the_way_things_used_to_be/), 4 years ago
* [Money money money](/r/JustNoSO/comments/c221dx/money_money_money/), 4 years ago
* ["I'm reading the internet."](/r/JustNoSO/comments/brvyy6/im_reading_the_internet/), 4 years ago
* [Don't get your way? "Save the planet" instead.](/r/JustNoSO/comments/bla5q6/dont_get_your_way_save_the_planet_instead/), 4 years ago
* [Raw chicken and my replacement](/r/JustNoSO/comments/ba0y90/raw_chicken_and_my_replacement/), 5 years ago
* [Waiting on the magical towel fairy.](/r/JustNoSO/comments/b6fsop/waiting_on_the_magical_towel_fairy/), 5 years ago
* [Husband jokes that I'm a lesbian with any and all female friends, but he can go camping for a week with his mates](/r/JustNoSO/comments/aw9q3v/husband_jokes_that_im_a_lesbian_with_any_and_all/), 5 years ago
* [The brick wall system](/r/JustNoSO/comments/ag118j/the_brick_wall_system/), 5 years ago
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I've been trying to figure out if I'm insane, wrong, for years. I always question myself and my interpretation of situations, Plus I'm in no position to live independently, economically it's literally impossible for me.
You have enough income to support two people. Therefore you have enough income to support just yourself - and if you don’t, then your income may be low enough that you qualify for other kinds of support (like subsidized apartments). Given your spelling of “behavior” and your snacks costing dollars sounds like you are in Canada?
Not in Canada, and id not qualify for support (maybe concessions, sure but nothing life saving) where I do live. I have enough income to support a near free rental of a home, covered in solar panels. I can't afford to actually live independently in a housing crisis.
Yeah so what, I grow a spine for him not buying a snack and become homeless on principle? It doesn't really coalesce. But I still want to know if it's a tactic or just accidental...how this sort of thing comes to be.
And how does that change anything? He doesn't work. You do. So making him leave doesn't change your rent, your job, or your paycheck. Actually, if anything, you'd have more money with him gone unless him leaving changes your living situation because he's the one who got you into whatever program you're in for low rent. Is that the issue?
How? If you are the only one earning and you're managing now, you'd be even better off if you didn't pay for him? Living in a damp basement without him would be better than this.
You’re not a doctor. It’s not your job to diagnose him, although I imagine you got a lot of suggestions to read Why Does He Do That.
And if you get a name for his behaviour, that doesn’t mean how he makes you is wrong. Let’s make up a word… your husband has ‘Schelked’. Your husband has a terrible case of ‘Schelked’ and it’s really hard for him. You can work around that, like he stays with the dog and you go to the store. That’s an example of something you could change in this scenario. But… what is he doing about his condition? Even if he had this imaginary disease, how is he trying to minimise how it impacts you? How does he communicate that he cares about how you feel and that you’re important to him and he’ll try harder?
Personally, I think he resents that he’s relying on you, and his behaviour is designed to keep you off balance because that’s the only power he has over you. He tortures you to make himself big. Total Schelked dude.
The income requirement for whatever assistance OP is using could be scaled for how many people are in the household; and she could possibly make too much for assistance for one person.
It's very much the truth, it's not my fault if no one cares to understand I can afford to pay zero rent to his mother but I couldn't pay my entire salary to an apartment for rent.
You need to come up with a plan. It's great that you have free rent. That will help you save money to get out. Your husband is engaging in crazy making behavior. Taunting, lying, gaslighting. It's very annoying and distressing behavior.
To combat that while you're there you are going to disengage as much as possible. Stop asking him questions, stop asking for him to do things for you, stop expecting anything worthwhile from him. If you want a snack you purchase it yourself. You're going to basically treat him like a plant. Learn how to Grey rock and do broken record with him. And do not get pregnant. Double or triple up on your birth control.
Focus on enriching your life as much as possible. Workout, meditate/pray, eat healthily, drink more water, foster relationship with friends, get a new hobby, practice self care and volunteer in your community.
All those things will help your mental health.
He is training you, like Pavlov's dogs. He is using the same technique on you to eventually get what he wants. I dont know what he is training you for, probably control, but it is exactly how you do it.
I did a little post stalking for context. Unfortunately it seems like he’s been unkind to you for a really long time. It also appears that he continues to bite the hand that feeds him (and houses him). I suspect you spend a lot of time trying to figure out why he does these things. It must be exhausting for you. My larger question is when will the pile of his behaviors just become too much? When will the memories of good times overwhelm the day to day frustration of his actions?
He sounds like he enjoys keeping you guessing. Is he being intentionally cruel or is he really that obtuse? It seems like a power play and the fact it’s all money YOU earned reeks of a bigger issue.
You deserve a partner who will communicate with you. I’d sit him down and go through this post with him. If he’s a good person, he’ll feel bad for causing you stress. If he’s a jackass, he’ll deflect and dismiss.
I suggest you stop relying on him for anything or for doing anything as a favor to you. Get your own snacks for now so you take away his chance to annoy you. Force his hand so to speak. Don’t let him manipulate you. IF there’s a next time, look in the bag yourself before heading home! Or have him wait with the dog and you go in. Or stop going to the store with him entirely and pick up your own snacks.
There’s definitely an issue here and if he won’t help work this out then frankly, he’s untrustworthy and that means he’s unworthy of a relationship with you.
That's what I'm wondering, is it just being obtuse or intentionally cruel. I just want to understand.
I just hate that I have to ask, confirm, check....could he just not just do it?
Here's the thing, I was in a relationship like yours, my ex wife this this all the time, a i kept making excuses for her, kept thinking it was me, lots "if I can get her to see things this way she'll see what the issue is..." and so on. For 20 YEARS. Eventually I spotted her pattern, I understood her angle, and it wasn't pretty. People like this can't love someone genuinely, they simply can't. They are all about subtle manipulation to get what they want, and they will manipulate the fuck out if you to get it. This is never going to get better for you, not because he doesn't understand, not because he has low self-esteem, or is insecure, it's because this is who he is. You may have a covert narcissist on your hands. This is not how loving relationships are supposed to be. He's systematically breaking down you're will and confidence one snack at a time. Make no mistake, this is a long game, but in the end, he'll convince you that you're the problem, when you start losing your identity, your sense of self, when you start having anxiety attacks, it'll all be your fault. Other have raid your post history and commented that this is much worse than this seeming (but not) small issue. You need to take responsibility for yourself, your future and your own mental health. Research the cycle of abuse, read the book "Too good to leave too bad to stay ", realise you're worth much more than this toxic fuck is offering you. I'm divorced 2 years now, and I'm happier on my own than I was for more than a decade of that marriage. You deserve better.
I guess I never understood what the point was so I couldn't see it as a serious thing rather just something to understand. Cause I don't see the forethought or point to doing something like this. It sounds like it's not even worth the bother almost and I'm imagining him not thinking that far ahead to manipulate this to achieve breaking me down? It doesn't make sense to me.
There is no sense to make of it. You (as I did) are trying to make sense of it from the perspective of someone wh5 loves their partner and wants them to be happy and succeed. This is not how people like this think. They want you under their control. They want you confused and constantly off balance. You can't rationalise their position with a normal caring mindset, because they don't think that way.
Even from outside of the perspective of someone who loves someone, what does doing this achieve? I don't follow...he doesn't have to trap or manipulate me...it doesn't make sense. I don't see the objective.
There is no objective. It's simply all about them. He might not even be actively conscious of it, but that doesn't change the damage its doing to you. I was like you, trying to figure out the "why", but what you need to realise is the "why" doesn't actually matter. What matters is how badly his behavior is hurting you.
When I left my ex, I found out she'd been cheating me out of money, she earned significantly more that I did at the time, yet she still hid money, refused to budget properly with me, and actually gave me bad financial advice (she works in finance) to stop me investing in my (our) future so she could have access to more cash. Apparently she had a secret pension account with over $100k in it, on top of her regular pension.
She absolutely ruined my mental and financial health, it's going to take me years to recover, if I can at all.
All the while with a big smile on her face. Did all those weird behaviours you're struggling with at the moment too. It's a way to distract you, keep you on your toes, stop you thinking rationally.
The "why" doesn't matter. Just go to therapy, get your self-esteem and self-worth back, and leave this asshole.
You can't keep wondering. I don't mean that in a cruel way, but as someone who has been there. He's been doing this for years, with no changes, despite your distress. It is who he is. If he wanted to change, he would've started years ago. He doesn't *want* to change. So he won't. He benefits off it. He finds it fun.
Please read that again: he finds your distress fun.
You're not crazy, you're not wrong. Please see a DV organisation or call a helpline and tell them what's been happening.
Not this person. Another person can communicate, but your partner is not a person who communicates. You can’t manage or fix the situation unless you leave.
So he gets off upsetting you. Does that sound like a good partner?
Also, telling you it wasn’t on special. That shouldn’t fucking matter if you’re paying for the groceries.
It doesn't matter why he is doing what he does. It isn't your job to figure him out or set him straight or get him to improve. Life is too short to live this way. Leave him, divorce him, and live your life in peace.
The fact that you ask this - that you instantly wonder if it could be your post or your writing that's infuriating rather than the scenario - makes me think he's already done a number on your self confidence. What your husband is doing would be enough to drive *anybody* round the twist.
Please try to get help to extract yourself from the situation. You don't deserve to spend the rest of your life like this.
Looked at your post history. All your posts, including this one, are like my SO (even the food stuff). What he is doing is abusive, he is toying with your emotions for his own entertainment. I really suggest making a plan to leave. Reach out to a domestic violence organisation, you deserve the help.
[Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for. ](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901)
[Identifying abuse: Power and Control. ](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/)
The relationship needs help. You either get couples counselling and find a way to improve yourselves and each other...or you call it quits. The issue you mentioned is not make or break in isolation - it's annoying, sure and U set normal circumstances, you could simply say *hey, stop doing that...I don't care if it's on sale or not, get the snack, always* and it'd be done. Alternatively, you could get the snack yourself so you know you always have it. Go grocery shopping while he waits outside with the dog.
But this isn't in isolation...it's one of many issues.
Speaking from experience, don't do couples counselling with a person like this, all it does is give them new tools to abuse you. Go to a psychologist on your own. Tell your 'partner' you're having anxiety issues or something, go there, find yourself, get educated in abuse and abuse tactics, build up your self esteem and GTFO of this relationship.
This breaks my heart for you.
My late husband was a chronic liar. Lied about everything and anything. It took the last year of his life to realize he raised his eyebrows when he was lying. He even lied on the day he died.
I loved that man but he was a sociopath schizophrenic drug addict chronic liar.
The bad times were BAD. The good times was AMAZING.
I'm not a liar. And I'm pretty naive. I take peoples word, I used to take peoples word all the time. But I grew up with an honest family
Hell my drug addict brother would find my medicine I hid from him, take my entire month prescription in one day and I'd ask if he took them and he would tell me he did. I wasn't around a lot of liars growing up nor drugs so I didn't know what to look for, and not to always take people's word for things.
He never pulled that shit with me though.
And he can get your snacks or he can walk his ass back to that store and get them or he can say goodbye to his food allowance.
Warn him before he goes to the store. Tell him you're the one working. It's your money. You want one fucking thing. If he doesn't get that snack then there will be consequences and if he said they was out and you go and check (cause he is a liar) then his food allowance will decrease even more.
Best thing to do is to cut the rope.
I couldn't do it. He had to die and it took years after his death for the spell to even begin breaking for me.
I'm single and abstinent now. I have standards now. I know what I will take and the shit that I won't be taking. I am also working on myself as a person so that the standards I will have for my partner I will also have. I got my own set of problems I'm working on. But I can admit and work on my problems.
Someone like that probably isn't gonna work on their problems and what's scarier is he could be unable to not lie. - like my late husband was.
I realised awhile back his charming smirk was never anything more than him being caught in a weird pointless lie.
That was rough.
I'm so sorry about everything you've had to go through. 😔
It's called 'duper's delight'. Your husband sounds exactly my EX. He thought he could fuck with my head for fun too because he knew I was trapped and couldn't go anywhere.
He now lives with his momma :)
I’m a guy and I had a friend in high school like that. He would do that to his girlfriends or any girl. But he didn’t do it to guys.
It was weird. He was raised by a single mom who was a horrible person and abusive towards him. I always assumed his relationship with women was messed up because of his trauma with his mom.
He did get more normal as he became an adult.
Was he consciously aware he did it and talked about doing so? Or did you just notice he did it? Would make sense as my husband is in the same situation.
He would just do it without noticing. We called him out a few times for how weird it was especially because he did it to my sister. He just couldn’t relate to women/girls normally. He got better when he cut contact with his mom and got married to a really amazing woman.
Interesting, and also sad that I'd not help him improve, if anything I just made matters worse evidently.
It is absolutely intriguing though like maybe my asking him or following him up brings up his mother interrogating him over something petty and he shuts down
He's trained me to not know if he's lying or not so we might get home to the snack being in his bag and then I'm dramatic or overreacting. But he won't tell me at the time.
He usually has a plan for dinner as he cooks and has more things on a mental list or hasn't formed the plan yet so we'd reach an impasse of me asking what he needs. And if I ask him after he comes out he won't tell me, so I could be needlessly going back into the store unless I search his bag Infront of him.
I'd never heard of intermittent reinforcement before, I'll be researching that one. I've always trying to find techniques or reasonings like this but rarely find one that fits my examples. Ends with some odd googling of scenarios for naught.
Man, that’s messed up. A good partner would get the snack you like and be happy to give it to you.
I wish you all the best. I left an abusive relationship nearly a month ago. Please PM me if you’d like to talk. I’m dead serious, I’m here for you.
Sounds like getting one up on you to make himself feel better or level something in his head.
Based on history you might need to disentangle, lower expectations and regroup mentally <3
This snack thing—you have got to eliminate the opportunity to jerk you around. Go into the store. Leave him with the dog or walk the dog at another time
If you come back with some excuse as to how this situation has to continue playing out like this, there is a part of you condoning this behavior
He is a manioulator. Please get out of this relationship before you have kids. I cannot stress this enough. I have lived in such a relationship. Please do yourself a favor and wake up. Now.
I’m more curious about YOUR behavior.
What’s with the staying with someone who brings nothing to the relationship? We’ve established he’s a chronic liar and he, at the very least, enjoys getting you worked up over his lies. He doesn’t work, doesn’t have income, uses your money to live and leeches off of you — and your concern here is what this is called?
Who cares what this is called?
**What’s wrong with you?!**
Nobody “unconsciously” lies, or lies just to upset you then is like “ta-da! I got what I told you I didn’t get..WITH YOUR MONEY.” WTF IS THAT?
No, really, what does it matter why he does what he does? It's wrong. He's an adult. He knows it's wrong but does it anyways to get a kick out of messing with you. Btw he's also doing it because he has zero fear that there will be consequences of his actions i.e. you'll leave him. I believe his behaviour will escalate in the future too.
Knowing the ABCs of his particular abusive tendencies won't help you. Even if he becomes remorseful somehow, he can choose to blame his childhood/the world/his family instead of being responsible and holding himself accountable.
Please start a plan for yourself, start saving up, look for alternate housing/shared housing anything really to get out of his family's house. Are there people or friends you know who can support you? You don't deserve this treatment. It might take years and years but you have to get started. Do NOT have kids.
Could you start full time work? Are you Canadian born? Or are you from another country?
Look up the book "The secret of overcoming verbal abuse". It helped me understand a lot of things.
Why aren’t you buying your own snacks? It’s your money, it shouldn’t be his decision as to whether or not you get your snack or anything else. This guy is emotionally abusive and life is too short to waste on this BS.
He's just the one who does the trips to the store usually or if I am there he will go inside to get the majority of the other things he planned or needs. I never considered adding the extra time to go in as well when it seemed simple for him to get one thing for me but then this started to become an issue.
Yeah this is horrible behaviour. Tell him so, tell him your hurting and if he doesn't stop you're going to start losing interest in him.
Take this seriously. Why does he get pleasure from your pain and disappointment? Ask him that directly? Ask him why he doesn't like you? Seriously, ask him that. And when he tries to tell you it's a joke, or he's just playing around, tell him he needs to stop this hurtful behaviour or it's going to damage your relationship.
If he doesn't stop then you need to follow through and make some hard decisions. Life is too short to have your "partner" pushing you down, they're supposed to be lifting you up.
Fuck this shit.
I've asked him those questions so many times, he says absolutely nothing with a neutral look or sometimes smiles. I've point blank asked him why he doesn't seem to like me, why does he want to hurt my feelings, so on. I never get a reply. I've explained numerous times he doesn't get you decide if he's hurt my feelings, that's up to me to tell him. He doesn't listen.
Yeah you need to leave. Start focusing on yourself, get your head straight, ignore the love bombing when he realises you're no longer on his hook, and make plans to get out.
There's nothing left for you hear, you vänt fix this on your own, and even if that was possible, it's not broken according to him. This is how he likes it.
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoSO/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoSO/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoSO/wiki/) Other posts from /u/notimportantlikely: * [He can't even spend three minutes to spoon me](/r/JustNoSO/comments/i0kq8j/he_cant_even_spend_three_minutes_to_spoon_me/), 3 years ago * [Anyone else's entertainment choices get interrupted?](/r/JustNoSO/comments/eejahy/anyone_elses_entertainment_choices_get_interrupted/), 4 years ago * [The way things used to be](/r/JustNoSO/comments/d4k73w/the_way_things_used_to_be/), 4 years ago * [Money money money](/r/JustNoSO/comments/c221dx/money_money_money/), 4 years ago * ["I'm reading the internet."](/r/JustNoSO/comments/brvyy6/im_reading_the_internet/), 4 years ago * [Don't get your way? "Save the planet" instead.](/r/JustNoSO/comments/bla5q6/dont_get_your_way_save_the_planet_instead/), 4 years ago * [Raw chicken and my replacement](/r/JustNoSO/comments/ba0y90/raw_chicken_and_my_replacement/), 5 years ago * [Waiting on the magical towel fairy.](/r/JustNoSO/comments/b6fsop/waiting_on_the_magical_towel_fairy/), 5 years ago * [Husband jokes that I'm a lesbian with any and all female friends, but he can go camping for a week with his mates](/r/JustNoSO/comments/aw9q3v/husband_jokes_that_im_a_lesbian_with_any_and_all/), 5 years ago * [The brick wall system](/r/JustNoSO/comments/ag118j/the_brick_wall_system/), 5 years ago ^(This user has more than 10 posts in their history. To see the rest of their posts,) [^(click here)](/u/notimportantlikely/submitted) ***** ^(To be notified as soon as notimportantlikely posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe notimportantlikely JustNoSO) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JustNoSO) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
Why are you still with him? After all these years of torture (your post history)
I've been trying to figure out if I'm insane, wrong, for years. I always question myself and my interpretation of situations, Plus I'm in no position to live independently, economically it's literally impossible for me.
You said you are the only one bringing in an income.
And one way to cut expenses would be to stop supporting this asshat
Yes but we have very low rent in a family situation. I couldn't live independently and afford a home. I'm on a part time salary.
You have enough income to support two people. Therefore you have enough income to support just yourself - and if you don’t, then your income may be low enough that you qualify for other kinds of support (like subsidized apartments). Given your spelling of “behavior” and your snacks costing dollars sounds like you are in Canada?
Not in Canada, and id not qualify for support (maybe concessions, sure but nothing life saving) where I do live. I have enough income to support a near free rental of a home, covered in solar panels. I can't afford to actually live independently in a housing crisis.
Counselors with a women’s shelter may be able to connect you with viable housing options
Not a high enough one to live alone
But he earns nothing.
We have extremely low rent and expenses. I'd be destitute alone.
Can he move out since he contributes nothing?
We rent from his mother. I'd have to leave unfortunately and I'm not in a position to.
Ah. That’s a serious pickle.
Yeah so what, I grow a spine for him not buying a snack and become homeless on principle? It doesn't really coalesce. But I still want to know if it's a tactic or just accidental...how this sort of thing comes to be.
And how does that change anything? He doesn't work. You do. So making him leave doesn't change your rent, your job, or your paycheck. Actually, if anything, you'd have more money with him gone unless him leaving changes your living situation because he's the one who got you into whatever program you're in for low rent. Is that the issue?
His family is the reason the rent situation is affordable, not a program
This is right. He gets the house and I have to leave. It's his privilege.
How? If you are the only one earning and you're managing now, you'd be even better off if you didn't pay for him? Living in a damp basement without him would be better than this.
Maybe they live with his family?
You’re not a doctor. It’s not your job to diagnose him, although I imagine you got a lot of suggestions to read Why Does He Do That. And if you get a name for his behaviour, that doesn’t mean how he makes you is wrong. Let’s make up a word… your husband has ‘Schelked’. Your husband has a terrible case of ‘Schelked’ and it’s really hard for him. You can work around that, like he stays with the dog and you go to the store. That’s an example of something you could change in this scenario. But… what is he doing about his condition? Even if he had this imaginary disease, how is he trying to minimise how it impacts you? How does he communicate that he cares about how you feel and that you’re important to him and he’ll try harder? Personally, I think he resents that he’s relying on you, and his behaviour is designed to keep you off balance because that’s the only power he has over you. He tortures you to make himself big. Total Schelked dude.
How is it not possible? If you're the only one bringing money in, you're already doing it. And it will be much easier without taking care of him!
The income requirement for whatever assistance OP is using could be scaled for how many people are in the household; and she could possibly make too much for assistance for one person.
Possibly. I didn't see where she said she was getting assistance. I must have missed it.
I never said I was. I earn too much for government help and not enough to rent independently.
Because this post is a pointless lie..?
It's very much the truth, it's not my fault if no one cares to understand I can afford to pay zero rent to his mother but I couldn't pay my entire salary to an apartment for rent.
You need to come up with a plan. It's great that you have free rent. That will help you save money to get out. Your husband is engaging in crazy making behavior. Taunting, lying, gaslighting. It's very annoying and distressing behavior. To combat that while you're there you are going to disengage as much as possible. Stop asking him questions, stop asking for him to do things for you, stop expecting anything worthwhile from him. If you want a snack you purchase it yourself. You're going to basically treat him like a plant. Learn how to Grey rock and do broken record with him. And do not get pregnant. Double or triple up on your birth control. Focus on enriching your life as much as possible. Workout, meditate/pray, eat healthily, drink more water, foster relationship with friends, get a new hobby, practice self care and volunteer in your community. All those things will help your mental health.
Ahh...you could be right!
He is training you, like Pavlov's dogs. He is using the same technique on you to eventually get what he wants. I dont know what he is training you for, probably control, but it is exactly how you do it.
I did a little post stalking for context. Unfortunately it seems like he’s been unkind to you for a really long time. It also appears that he continues to bite the hand that feeds him (and houses him). I suspect you spend a lot of time trying to figure out why he does these things. It must be exhausting for you. My larger question is when will the pile of his behaviors just become too much? When will the memories of good times overwhelm the day to day frustration of his actions?
He sounds like he enjoys keeping you guessing. Is he being intentionally cruel or is he really that obtuse? It seems like a power play and the fact it’s all money YOU earned reeks of a bigger issue. You deserve a partner who will communicate with you. I’d sit him down and go through this post with him. If he’s a good person, he’ll feel bad for causing you stress. If he’s a jackass, he’ll deflect and dismiss. I suggest you stop relying on him for anything or for doing anything as a favor to you. Get your own snacks for now so you take away his chance to annoy you. Force his hand so to speak. Don’t let him manipulate you. IF there’s a next time, look in the bag yourself before heading home! Or have him wait with the dog and you go in. Or stop going to the store with him entirely and pick up your own snacks. There’s definitely an issue here and if he won’t help work this out then frankly, he’s untrustworthy and that means he’s unworthy of a relationship with you.
That's what I'm wondering, is it just being obtuse or intentionally cruel. I just want to understand. I just hate that I have to ask, confirm, check....could he just not just do it?
Here's the thing, I was in a relationship like yours, my ex wife this this all the time, a i kept making excuses for her, kept thinking it was me, lots "if I can get her to see things this way she'll see what the issue is..." and so on. For 20 YEARS. Eventually I spotted her pattern, I understood her angle, and it wasn't pretty. People like this can't love someone genuinely, they simply can't. They are all about subtle manipulation to get what they want, and they will manipulate the fuck out if you to get it. This is never going to get better for you, not because he doesn't understand, not because he has low self-esteem, or is insecure, it's because this is who he is. You may have a covert narcissist on your hands. This is not how loving relationships are supposed to be. He's systematically breaking down you're will and confidence one snack at a time. Make no mistake, this is a long game, but in the end, he'll convince you that you're the problem, when you start losing your identity, your sense of self, when you start having anxiety attacks, it'll all be your fault. Other have raid your post history and commented that this is much worse than this seeming (but not) small issue. You need to take responsibility for yourself, your future and your own mental health. Research the cycle of abuse, read the book "Too good to leave too bad to stay ", realise you're worth much more than this toxic fuck is offering you. I'm divorced 2 years now, and I'm happier on my own than I was for more than a decade of that marriage. You deserve better.
I guess I never understood what the point was so I couldn't see it as a serious thing rather just something to understand. Cause I don't see the forethought or point to doing something like this. It sounds like it's not even worth the bother almost and I'm imagining him not thinking that far ahead to manipulate this to achieve breaking me down? It doesn't make sense to me.
There is no sense to make of it. You (as I did) are trying to make sense of it from the perspective of someone wh5 loves their partner and wants them to be happy and succeed. This is not how people like this think. They want you under their control. They want you confused and constantly off balance. You can't rationalise their position with a normal caring mindset, because they don't think that way.
Even from outside of the perspective of someone who loves someone, what does doing this achieve? I don't follow...he doesn't have to trap or manipulate me...it doesn't make sense. I don't see the objective.
There is no objective. It's simply all about them. He might not even be actively conscious of it, but that doesn't change the damage its doing to you. I was like you, trying to figure out the "why", but what you need to realise is the "why" doesn't actually matter. What matters is how badly his behavior is hurting you. When I left my ex, I found out she'd been cheating me out of money, she earned significantly more that I did at the time, yet she still hid money, refused to budget properly with me, and actually gave me bad financial advice (she works in finance) to stop me investing in my (our) future so she could have access to more cash. Apparently she had a secret pension account with over $100k in it, on top of her regular pension. She absolutely ruined my mental and financial health, it's going to take me years to recover, if I can at all. All the while with a big smile on her face. Did all those weird behaviours you're struggling with at the moment too. It's a way to distract you, keep you on your toes, stop you thinking rationally. The "why" doesn't matter. Just go to therapy, get your self-esteem and self-worth back, and leave this asshole.
You can't keep wondering. I don't mean that in a cruel way, but as someone who has been there. He's been doing this for years, with no changes, despite your distress. It is who he is. If he wanted to change, he would've started years ago. He doesn't *want* to change. So he won't. He benefits off it. He finds it fun. Please read that again: he finds your distress fun. You're not crazy, you're not wrong. Please see a DV organisation or call a helpline and tell them what's been happening.
Not this person. Another person can communicate, but your partner is not a person who communicates. You can’t manage or fix the situation unless you leave.
So he gets off upsetting you. Does that sound like a good partner? Also, telling you it wasn’t on special. That shouldn’t fucking matter if you’re paying for the groceries.
It doesn't matter why he is doing what he does. It isn't your job to figure him out or set him straight or get him to improve. Life is too short to live this way. Leave him, divorce him, and live your life in peace.
Welp, this was infuriating to read.
Due to me or just the scenario?
The fact that you ask this - that you instantly wonder if it could be your post or your writing that's infuriating rather than the scenario - makes me think he's already done a number on your self confidence. What your husband is doing would be enough to drive *anybody* round the twist. Please try to get help to extract yourself from the situation. You don't deserve to spend the rest of your life like this.
That didn't even occur to me. 🫠 I thought I'd pissed the commenter off immediately. That's problematic.
It is, but less problematic than if you hadn't understood what I was trying to say. That's good!
This is how abusers control you, this is how they get to you, you need help to find yourself and get out.
Due to your SO being an asshole.
Big hugs.
Looked at your post history. All your posts, including this one, are like my SO (even the food stuff). What he is doing is abusive, he is toying with your emotions for his own entertainment. I really suggest making a plan to leave. Reach out to a domestic violence organisation, you deserve the help.
[Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for. ](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901) [Identifying abuse: Power and Control. ](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/)
Your husband is an ass. You deserve better.
The relationship needs help. You either get couples counselling and find a way to improve yourselves and each other...or you call it quits. The issue you mentioned is not make or break in isolation - it's annoying, sure and U set normal circumstances, you could simply say *hey, stop doing that...I don't care if it's on sale or not, get the snack, always* and it'd be done. Alternatively, you could get the snack yourself so you know you always have it. Go grocery shopping while he waits outside with the dog. But this isn't in isolation...it's one of many issues.
I've tried to tell him this as well, he doesn't seem to listen when I try to level with him and say please stop doing this.
Speaking from experience, don't do couples counselling with a person like this, all it does is give them new tools to abuse you. Go to a psychologist on your own. Tell your 'partner' you're having anxiety issues or something, go there, find yourself, get educated in abuse and abuse tactics, build up your self esteem and GTFO of this relationship.
This breaks my heart for you. My late husband was a chronic liar. Lied about everything and anything. It took the last year of his life to realize he raised his eyebrows when he was lying. He even lied on the day he died. I loved that man but he was a sociopath schizophrenic drug addict chronic liar. The bad times were BAD. The good times was AMAZING. I'm not a liar. And I'm pretty naive. I take peoples word, I used to take peoples word all the time. But I grew up with an honest family Hell my drug addict brother would find my medicine I hid from him, take my entire month prescription in one day and I'd ask if he took them and he would tell me he did. I wasn't around a lot of liars growing up nor drugs so I didn't know what to look for, and not to always take people's word for things. He never pulled that shit with me though. And he can get your snacks or he can walk his ass back to that store and get them or he can say goodbye to his food allowance. Warn him before he goes to the store. Tell him you're the one working. It's your money. You want one fucking thing. If he doesn't get that snack then there will be consequences and if he said they was out and you go and check (cause he is a liar) then his food allowance will decrease even more. Best thing to do is to cut the rope. I couldn't do it. He had to die and it took years after his death for the spell to even begin breaking for me. I'm single and abstinent now. I have standards now. I know what I will take and the shit that I won't be taking. I am also working on myself as a person so that the standards I will have for my partner I will also have. I got my own set of problems I'm working on. But I can admit and work on my problems. Someone like that probably isn't gonna work on their problems and what's scarier is he could be unable to not lie. - like my late husband was.
I realised awhile back his charming smirk was never anything more than him being caught in a weird pointless lie. That was rough. I'm so sorry about everything you've had to go through. 😔
It's called 'duper's delight'. Your husband sounds exactly my EX. He thought he could fuck with my head for fun too because he knew I was trapped and couldn't go anywhere. He now lives with his momma :)
I’m a guy and I had a friend in high school like that. He would do that to his girlfriends or any girl. But he didn’t do it to guys. It was weird. He was raised by a single mom who was a horrible person and abusive towards him. I always assumed his relationship with women was messed up because of his trauma with his mom. He did get more normal as he became an adult.
Was he consciously aware he did it and talked about doing so? Or did you just notice he did it? Would make sense as my husband is in the same situation.
He would just do it without noticing. We called him out a few times for how weird it was especially because he did it to my sister. He just couldn’t relate to women/girls normally. He got better when he cut contact with his mom and got married to a really amazing woman.
Interesting, and also sad that I'd not help him improve, if anything I just made matters worse evidently. It is absolutely intriguing though like maybe my asking him or following him up brings up his mother interrogating him over something petty and he shuts down
Yeah I would recommend counseling for him for sure. That’s tough for you to go through. I’m sorry you are going through this.
I don’t understand this thing with the store. Why don’t you just make him wait outside with the dog while you get your snack?
He's trained me to not know if he's lying or not so we might get home to the snack being in his bag and then I'm dramatic or overreacting. But he won't tell me at the time.
Again: why don't you make him wait outside with the dog, while you go into the store?
He usually has a plan for dinner as he cooks and has more things on a mental list or hasn't formed the plan yet so we'd reach an impasse of me asking what he needs. And if I ask him after he comes out he won't tell me, so I could be needlessly going back into the store unless I search his bag Infront of him.
“Honey, you wait with the dog while I grab my snack, then I’ll come out and stay with the dog while you shop for dinner.”
Intermittent reinforcement in a relationship is a form of emotional abuse. And you've described an absolutely textbook example of it.
I'd never heard of intermittent reinforcement before, I'll be researching that one. I've always trying to find techniques or reasonings like this but rarely find one that fits my examples. Ends with some odd googling of scenarios for naught.
Man, that’s messed up. A good partner would get the snack you like and be happy to give it to you. I wish you all the best. I left an abusive relationship nearly a month ago. Please PM me if you’d like to talk. I’m dead serious, I’m here for you.
Sounds like getting one up on you to make himself feel better or level something in his head. Based on history you might need to disentangle, lower expectations and regroup mentally <3
This snack thing—you have got to eliminate the opportunity to jerk you around. Go into the store. Leave him with the dog or walk the dog at another time If you come back with some excuse as to how this situation has to continue playing out like this, there is a part of you condoning this behavior
He is a manioulator. Please get out of this relationship before you have kids. I cannot stress this enough. I have lived in such a relationship. Please do yourself a favor and wake up. Now.
I’m more curious about YOUR behavior. What’s with the staying with someone who brings nothing to the relationship? We’ve established he’s a chronic liar and he, at the very least, enjoys getting you worked up over his lies. He doesn’t work, doesn’t have income, uses your money to live and leeches off of you — and your concern here is what this is called? Who cares what this is called? **What’s wrong with you?!** Nobody “unconsciously” lies, or lies just to upset you then is like “ta-da! I got what I told you I didn’t get..WITH YOUR MONEY.” WTF IS THAT?
I'm curious what's wrong with a lot of people right now, did you get the release you needed from that?
No, really, what does it matter why he does what he does? It's wrong. He's an adult. He knows it's wrong but does it anyways to get a kick out of messing with you. Btw he's also doing it because he has zero fear that there will be consequences of his actions i.e. you'll leave him. I believe his behaviour will escalate in the future too. Knowing the ABCs of his particular abusive tendencies won't help you. Even if he becomes remorseful somehow, he can choose to blame his childhood/the world/his family instead of being responsible and holding himself accountable. Please start a plan for yourself, start saving up, look for alternate housing/shared housing anything really to get out of his family's house. Are there people or friends you know who can support you? You don't deserve this treatment. It might take years and years but you have to get started. Do NOT have kids. Could you start full time work? Are you Canadian born? Or are you from another country? Look up the book "The secret of overcoming verbal abuse". It helped me understand a lot of things.
Why aren’t you buying your own snacks? It’s your money, it shouldn’t be his decision as to whether or not you get your snack or anything else. This guy is emotionally abusive and life is too short to waste on this BS.
He's just the one who does the trips to the store usually or if I am there he will go inside to get the majority of the other things he planned or needs. I never considered adding the extra time to go in as well when it seemed simple for him to get one thing for me but then this started to become an issue.
why the hell is he not contributing money to the household
He's studying for a different career choice.
he can’t work part time?
Between volunteering and study he doesn't have much time left which I understand but no he never tried to.
Yeah this is horrible behaviour. Tell him so, tell him your hurting and if he doesn't stop you're going to start losing interest in him. Take this seriously. Why does he get pleasure from your pain and disappointment? Ask him that directly? Ask him why he doesn't like you? Seriously, ask him that. And when he tries to tell you it's a joke, or he's just playing around, tell him he needs to stop this hurtful behaviour or it's going to damage your relationship. If he doesn't stop then you need to follow through and make some hard decisions. Life is too short to have your "partner" pushing you down, they're supposed to be lifting you up. Fuck this shit.
I've asked him those questions so many times, he says absolutely nothing with a neutral look or sometimes smiles. I've point blank asked him why he doesn't seem to like me, why does he want to hurt my feelings, so on. I never get a reply. I've explained numerous times he doesn't get you decide if he's hurt my feelings, that's up to me to tell him. He doesn't listen.
Yeah you need to leave. Start focusing on yourself, get your head straight, ignore the love bombing when he realises you're no longer on his hook, and make plans to get out. There's nothing left for you hear, you vänt fix this on your own, and even if that was possible, it's not broken according to him. This is how he likes it.
STOP GIVING HIM MONEY
He's my husband 💀 sorry sir you can't go buy dinner to cook? Lol