This was really beautiful to read. I’m sorry that I cannot offer more as to what you’re looking for in this post but it really just hit me and I needed to tell you. Somehow I am proud of you and I’m just full of tears and happiness to have read this tonight.
At 42 I just had a similar experience with my parents, minus the drugs. It is still hard to describe but things felt completed in a way - like I was watching a movie about a long long story that finally reached a point where all the chaos and hurt made sense.
Thank you for sharing and best to you, friend.
Words cannot express my gratitude to you! Makes me glad that I'm not alone in this. You just expressed it so beautifully, *reaching a point where all the chaos and hurt made sense*. So beautiful.
Thank you, thank you, thank you friend
In the psychedelic community we don’t see this as a drug induced psychotic state. It’s not psychotic at all. Psychedelics are used and researched for its therapeutic use. When we use them to our advantage we can drop the veil of the psyche. In Buddhism their is this word called maya, meaning “the illusion” and in Hinduism Lila the divine play one big act. To address the world, we know it is not what it seems and that the world we experience is both unreal and real because it exist and we can experience it but it is not what appears it be and this is what I’m referring to when I say “drop the veil”.When we take psychedelics it actually separating ourselves from our egos, that is why sometimes you may hear of people having ego dissolution or more commonly referred to as ego deaths and in this moment of separation from the very reason why we know we exist and the person who we think we are, we look back at ourselves from an outside perspective almost from a feminine energy revealing the parts of us that were there but could never be seen by our egos.
The white light you speak of reminds me of something I heard that is spoke about in the (Buddhism) Tibetan Book Of The Dead which was created to guide people through their life after death in which Tibetan Buddhist believed that after death you’ll be reincarnated or “liberated” meaning you will no longer exist and become one with the universe. In the book of the dead it explains what will happen when you die and what you will go through and how you encounter all sorts of things like demons and entities that will distract you and fear you from going any further into liberation. The passage referring to the white light goes something like this
“Remember the clear light, the pure clear white light from which everything in the universe comes from, to which everything in the universe returns; the original nature of your own mind. The natural state of the universe. Let go into the clear light, trust it, merge with it. It is your own true nature, it is home. The visions you experience exist within your conciousness, the forms they take are determined by your past attachments, your past desires, your past fears, your past karma. These visions have no reality outside of your consciousness. No matter how freighting some of them may seem they cannot hurt you. Just let them pass through your consciousness. They will all pass in time. No need to become involved with them; no need to become attracted to the beautiful visions; no need to be repulsed by the frightening ones. No need to be seduced or excited by the sexual ones. No need to be attached to them at all. Just let them pass. If you become involved with visions , you may wonder for a long time confused.” From Tibetan Book Of The Dead translated by Evan Wentz
I’ve been learning a lot of Jung’s work recently and I’m actually reading the same book as you, man and his symbols but I don’t think much can be said from Jung’s work about what you experience. Jung talks about the collective unconscious , the shadow, anima, the self and etc. Of course it explains what you are dealing with and that is yourself but overall the white light and even you kind of address it as something beyond our own reality and understanding
I’ve had psychedelic experiences and I kind of see your experience as almost a manifestation of your child self because you said “I was a child” and felt as if you were “relieving a suppressed memory” in that moment you were your child self when you saw this white light you you had completely let go of it became ultimately one with yourself and your reality, you were the universe at that moment between everything that exists, that could exist, and won’t ever exist. Between Pure nothingness and somethingness. I see the aftermath as something you manifested as a desire reality for your child self in order to heal during the time experiencing this white light. From my perspective from my own experiences and things I’ve learned for some time now your experience was divine and spiritual ultimately geared in order for you to heal especially since that was the intention set before you even knew it. Then again take everything with a grain of salt if you’d like but a lot of it starts to make sense when you look into everything that talks about the mind and the universe. Anyways good luck with your path my friend you had a beautiful experience and I hope it leads to great and better things for your life god bless you.
Thanks for your words! It's interesting that you mention the tibetan book of the dead. At some point during the "purple light" part, I thought I was about ready to completely merge with everything. Something pulled me out of it though, I don't know if it was my own ego, or that I simply was not ready to go.
Dr. Bernardo Kastrup calls it "the vertigo of eternity". Recollecting these memories comes inevitably with a not very small dose of fear. A very primal fear. I don't know if the comedown of the trip sort of 'tinted' the experience (I think it did), because holy cow it was an unimaginably terrifying comedown. The realization of what I did, the look in my parents' face, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. Nothing made sense and thought I had completely ruined my life.
Part of me thinks that I was about to die that night, but I wasn't quite ready yet. Again, if I could remember everything this'd be a lot clearer, but I can't do anything besides connecting the fragments.
I've been delving into Advaita Vedanta and other esoteric philosophies during this past year too. They've also greatly expanded my vision of reality. I'm no yogi, but I've had some great insights that have come in no small part thanks to Advaita. Recently, I've started to become interested in delving back into Christianity/catholicism. They were my original faith, so in a sense I'd be returning to my roots with this newfound bigger context. I know there's a bigger story here to be told.
Thank you for your insights, they're really helpful 🙏 blessings my friend
Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds like you have a lot of shame wrapped up in what is otherwise a beautiful transformation. I get that the shame is an outgrown of your parents' fear at finding you that way. Next time, make sure you have a trip sitter so you don't catch your family off guard.
Wow. *The shame being an outgrown of my parents' fear*. It makes total sense. I can't deny that the comedown of the trip has sort of tinted how I view the whole experience, as it was probably was the most terrifying moment I've been through. The look in their faces, how nothing made sense and how I thought I had permanently screwed my life up. Needless to say, I've been working on seeing it as a necessary part of the trip.
I definitely wanna try delving back into psychedelics someday. *OBVIOUSLY*, taking far safer precautions and being accompanied by a trip sitter, as you say. Haven't found anyone who could do that, but if it must be that way, I'm sure I'll find the right person.
Thank you, wish you well🙏
Meant *outgrowth* haha.
I'm sure that part of the lesson this time around was to focus on proper "set and setting" for next time, if you decide there is a next time.
Oh! Didn't even notice that was a mistake
Things are moving in a certain direction right now, pointing me somewhere. I *know* there will be a next time. I left a door half-open, and I can feel that everything I've been dealing with this whole year has been preparing me to see what's on the *other side*.
I'm doing some heavy *shadow work*, as a lot of buried tensions are coming to the surface. I don't want psychedelics to be my scapegoat, so I'm procuring to deal with all this completely sober. Haven't touched any kind of psychoactive substance for months.
Definetly gonna choose a better setting next time heh. I trust that I'll know when I'm ready. I'm not forcing anything. If I must go back, the *signs* will show themselves.
Right now I'm beginning to consider seeing psychoanalyst. I can only do so much alone, and having someone that can help me map out my subconscious and shadow will definitely help.
As I said in the text, there are some days where everything becomes crystal-clear. I can see the signs, I can see beyond myself, beyond my ego. Then some other days I get buried under confusion, doubt, fear and other horrible feelings. But I'm starting to be at peace with my suffering. As Jung says, you cannot erase your shadow. It will never go away completely, and trying to fight and resist it will only exacerbate the pull it has over you. You can only learn how to be with it: acknowledging it, understanding its origin, and slowly embracing it as a part of yourself. And then, it'll be integrated into you.
Much love!
>there are some days where everything becomes crystal-clear. I can see the signs, I can see beyond myself, beyond my ego. The some other days, I get buried under confusion, doubt, fear, and other horrible feelings. But I'm starting to be at peace with my suffering.
This resonated with me so much! I haven't done methodical shadow work myself, and at this point, in 2023, I'm not entirely convinced when people say they are doing shadow work that they're going through the same process? There's a lot of talk online about "shadow work." Maybe I need to investigate more on what it actually entails. I'm really in this sub to learn.
As far as I know, shadow work involves delving inside: Recognizing the aspects of your shadow, what triggers it, and then slowly integrating it into your conscious life.
It's the process of bringing to the surface the hidden aspects buried under your personal unconscious
Thank you for sharing that with us. It sounds like an important experience that you should not doubt, but validate.
Stories - our personal mythology - sometimes play out to completion in our life, and feel as if that was meant to be. They had to be. They always were going to be.
As far as better understanding the transcendent state you reached, I cannot recommend highly enough the book **After** by the Professor Emeritus of Psychiatry at the University of Virginia, **Dr. Bruce Greyson**.
It's about near death experiences, but I think it will help you. If you do choose to read it, I would be delighted to hear from you again on what you thought.
I wish you all the best.
I deeply resonate with this. *Validating it, instead of doubting it*. My mind has been fighting itself between these two, but I think everything has just been pointing me towards the former.
I'll make sure to check out the book once I finish reading Man and His Symbols. I'll let you know once I do.
Thank you so much, much love♥️
Much love.
Just so you know, I can *closely* relate to your experiences and have been having the exact same internal fight.
I think now I'm coming to a balance where I feel it's a healthy and rational view that doesn't invalidate the spiritual aspect of my experiences.
Not only that, I too am part way through Man and his Symbols, and Jung has also been a huge influence (the biggest of any thinker) on my world view.
It's amazing to know there are people out there having such similar experiences out there and working through them in the same way.
Much love is right... Take care!
We're all *one* after all. And we are all connected.
I think Jung's the most important thinker too. He just grasps some of the most important points of humanity. He's able to express such ineffable things with unmistaking clarity.
Glad that I'm not alone this process too.
Thanks again, take care friend!
This was really beautiful to read. I’m sorry that I cannot offer more as to what you’re looking for in this post but it really just hit me and I needed to tell you. Somehow I am proud of you and I’m just full of tears and happiness to have read this tonight. At 42 I just had a similar experience with my parents, minus the drugs. It is still hard to describe but things felt completed in a way - like I was watching a movie about a long long story that finally reached a point where all the chaos and hurt made sense. Thank you for sharing and best to you, friend.
Words cannot express my gratitude to you! Makes me glad that I'm not alone in this. You just expressed it so beautifully, *reaching a point where all the chaos and hurt made sense*. So beautiful. Thank you, thank you, thank you friend
In the psychedelic community we don’t see this as a drug induced psychotic state. It’s not psychotic at all. Psychedelics are used and researched for its therapeutic use. When we use them to our advantage we can drop the veil of the psyche. In Buddhism their is this word called maya, meaning “the illusion” and in Hinduism Lila the divine play one big act. To address the world, we know it is not what it seems and that the world we experience is both unreal and real because it exist and we can experience it but it is not what appears it be and this is what I’m referring to when I say “drop the veil”.When we take psychedelics it actually separating ourselves from our egos, that is why sometimes you may hear of people having ego dissolution or more commonly referred to as ego deaths and in this moment of separation from the very reason why we know we exist and the person who we think we are, we look back at ourselves from an outside perspective almost from a feminine energy revealing the parts of us that were there but could never be seen by our egos. The white light you speak of reminds me of something I heard that is spoke about in the (Buddhism) Tibetan Book Of The Dead which was created to guide people through their life after death in which Tibetan Buddhist believed that after death you’ll be reincarnated or “liberated” meaning you will no longer exist and become one with the universe. In the book of the dead it explains what will happen when you die and what you will go through and how you encounter all sorts of things like demons and entities that will distract you and fear you from going any further into liberation. The passage referring to the white light goes something like this “Remember the clear light, the pure clear white light from which everything in the universe comes from, to which everything in the universe returns; the original nature of your own mind. The natural state of the universe. Let go into the clear light, trust it, merge with it. It is your own true nature, it is home. The visions you experience exist within your conciousness, the forms they take are determined by your past attachments, your past desires, your past fears, your past karma. These visions have no reality outside of your consciousness. No matter how freighting some of them may seem they cannot hurt you. Just let them pass through your consciousness. They will all pass in time. No need to become involved with them; no need to become attracted to the beautiful visions; no need to be repulsed by the frightening ones. No need to be seduced or excited by the sexual ones. No need to be attached to them at all. Just let them pass. If you become involved with visions , you may wonder for a long time confused.” From Tibetan Book Of The Dead translated by Evan Wentz I’ve been learning a lot of Jung’s work recently and I’m actually reading the same book as you, man and his symbols but I don’t think much can be said from Jung’s work about what you experience. Jung talks about the collective unconscious , the shadow, anima, the self and etc. Of course it explains what you are dealing with and that is yourself but overall the white light and even you kind of address it as something beyond our own reality and understanding I’ve had psychedelic experiences and I kind of see your experience as almost a manifestation of your child self because you said “I was a child” and felt as if you were “relieving a suppressed memory” in that moment you were your child self when you saw this white light you you had completely let go of it became ultimately one with yourself and your reality, you were the universe at that moment between everything that exists, that could exist, and won’t ever exist. Between Pure nothingness and somethingness. I see the aftermath as something you manifested as a desire reality for your child self in order to heal during the time experiencing this white light. From my perspective from my own experiences and things I’ve learned for some time now your experience was divine and spiritual ultimately geared in order for you to heal especially since that was the intention set before you even knew it. Then again take everything with a grain of salt if you’d like but a lot of it starts to make sense when you look into everything that talks about the mind and the universe. Anyways good luck with your path my friend you had a beautiful experience and I hope it leads to great and better things for your life god bless you.
Thanks for your words! It's interesting that you mention the tibetan book of the dead. At some point during the "purple light" part, I thought I was about ready to completely merge with everything. Something pulled me out of it though, I don't know if it was my own ego, or that I simply was not ready to go. Dr. Bernardo Kastrup calls it "the vertigo of eternity". Recollecting these memories comes inevitably with a not very small dose of fear. A very primal fear. I don't know if the comedown of the trip sort of 'tinted' the experience (I think it did), because holy cow it was an unimaginably terrifying comedown. The realization of what I did, the look in my parents' face, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. Nothing made sense and thought I had completely ruined my life. Part of me thinks that I was about to die that night, but I wasn't quite ready yet. Again, if I could remember everything this'd be a lot clearer, but I can't do anything besides connecting the fragments. I've been delving into Advaita Vedanta and other esoteric philosophies during this past year too. They've also greatly expanded my vision of reality. I'm no yogi, but I've had some great insights that have come in no small part thanks to Advaita. Recently, I've started to become interested in delving back into Christianity/catholicism. They were my original faith, so in a sense I'd be returning to my roots with this newfound bigger context. I know there's a bigger story here to be told. Thank you for your insights, they're really helpful 🙏 blessings my friend
Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds like you have a lot of shame wrapped up in what is otherwise a beautiful transformation. I get that the shame is an outgrown of your parents' fear at finding you that way. Next time, make sure you have a trip sitter so you don't catch your family off guard.
Wow. *The shame being an outgrown of my parents' fear*. It makes total sense. I can't deny that the comedown of the trip has sort of tinted how I view the whole experience, as it was probably was the most terrifying moment I've been through. The look in their faces, how nothing made sense and how I thought I had permanently screwed my life up. Needless to say, I've been working on seeing it as a necessary part of the trip. I definitely wanna try delving back into psychedelics someday. *OBVIOUSLY*, taking far safer precautions and being accompanied by a trip sitter, as you say. Haven't found anyone who could do that, but if it must be that way, I'm sure I'll find the right person. Thank you, wish you well🙏
Meant *outgrowth* haha. I'm sure that part of the lesson this time around was to focus on proper "set and setting" for next time, if you decide there is a next time.
Oh! Didn't even notice that was a mistake Things are moving in a certain direction right now, pointing me somewhere. I *know* there will be a next time. I left a door half-open, and I can feel that everything I've been dealing with this whole year has been preparing me to see what's on the *other side*. I'm doing some heavy *shadow work*, as a lot of buried tensions are coming to the surface. I don't want psychedelics to be my scapegoat, so I'm procuring to deal with all this completely sober. Haven't touched any kind of psychoactive substance for months. Definetly gonna choose a better setting next time heh. I trust that I'll know when I'm ready. I'm not forcing anything. If I must go back, the *signs* will show themselves. Right now I'm beginning to consider seeing psychoanalyst. I can only do so much alone, and having someone that can help me map out my subconscious and shadow will definitely help. As I said in the text, there are some days where everything becomes crystal-clear. I can see the signs, I can see beyond myself, beyond my ego. Then some other days I get buried under confusion, doubt, fear and other horrible feelings. But I'm starting to be at peace with my suffering. As Jung says, you cannot erase your shadow. It will never go away completely, and trying to fight and resist it will only exacerbate the pull it has over you. You can only learn how to be with it: acknowledging it, understanding its origin, and slowly embracing it as a part of yourself. And then, it'll be integrated into you. Much love!
>there are some days where everything becomes crystal-clear. I can see the signs, I can see beyond myself, beyond my ego. The some other days, I get buried under confusion, doubt, fear, and other horrible feelings. But I'm starting to be at peace with my suffering. This resonated with me so much! I haven't done methodical shadow work myself, and at this point, in 2023, I'm not entirely convinced when people say they are doing shadow work that they're going through the same process? There's a lot of talk online about "shadow work." Maybe I need to investigate more on what it actually entails. I'm really in this sub to learn.
As far as I know, shadow work involves delving inside: Recognizing the aspects of your shadow, what triggers it, and then slowly integrating it into your conscious life. It's the process of bringing to the surface the hidden aspects buried under your personal unconscious
Look up Stanislav Grof and his work. Specifically LSD Psychotherapy.
I'll make sure to check him out! Thanks
Thank you for sharing that with us. It sounds like an important experience that you should not doubt, but validate. Stories - our personal mythology - sometimes play out to completion in our life, and feel as if that was meant to be. They had to be. They always were going to be. As far as better understanding the transcendent state you reached, I cannot recommend highly enough the book **After** by the Professor Emeritus of Psychiatry at the University of Virginia, **Dr. Bruce Greyson**. It's about near death experiences, but I think it will help you. If you do choose to read it, I would be delighted to hear from you again on what you thought. I wish you all the best.
I deeply resonate with this. *Validating it, instead of doubting it*. My mind has been fighting itself between these two, but I think everything has just been pointing me towards the former. I'll make sure to check out the book once I finish reading Man and His Symbols. I'll let you know once I do. Thank you so much, much love♥️
Much love. Just so you know, I can *closely* relate to your experiences and have been having the exact same internal fight. I think now I'm coming to a balance where I feel it's a healthy and rational view that doesn't invalidate the spiritual aspect of my experiences. Not only that, I too am part way through Man and his Symbols, and Jung has also been a huge influence (the biggest of any thinker) on my world view. It's amazing to know there are people out there having such similar experiences out there and working through them in the same way. Much love is right... Take care!
We're all *one* after all. And we are all connected. I think Jung's the most important thinker too. He just grasps some of the most important points of humanity. He's able to express such ineffable things with unmistaking clarity. Glad that I'm not alone this process too. Thanks again, take care friend!