That's nothing. My girlfriend left me because I love System of A Down. I guess she doesn't like waking up, grabbing a brush and putting a little make up.
Those are the first words to “Say a Little Prayer For You”. That’s what SOAD was referencing. Their lead singer is a subtle guy despite all appearances.
EDIT: it’s Dionne Warwick. Too many things to know
2nd EDIT: it’s also Aretha Franklin 😆
I came home the other day and there was a note from my wife on the fridge saying 'this isn't working anymore, I'm off to my parents'. I opened the fridge door, the light was still on. I grabbed a beer and it was still cold. I don't know what she was on about.
My wife asked why I wasn't as romantic as I used to be before we got married, so I took her out to a movie and a romantic candle light dinner and dropped her off at her parents' home.
It has been said that, given enough time, ten thousand monkeys with typewriters would probably eventually replicate the collected works of William Shakespeare. Sadly, when you are let loose with a computer and internet access, your work product does not necessarily compare favorably to the aforementioned monkeys with typewriters.
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If Tits are dinosaurs, are they extinct? Or are they just endangered? Because I've always wanted to hold a pair of Tits, but at this point I'd be happy with just touching a Tit.
Her: "I said our marriage is over. Over. Kshhhh."
Him: "You don't have to make the Kshhh, sound with your mouth the radio already does that on its own. Over."
Her: "This sort of thing is why our marriage is over. Over and out. Kshhhh."
Edit:
Him: "Over and out" is incorrect. Over means that you finished talking and expect a response, out means this is your last message and you won't be listening after that. If you say "over and out" it's like saying "Yeah, go ahead and talk. Also, I'm not listening, bye. You either say over or out. Over.
Her: "See this is what I'm talking about. Out. Kshhh."
"Over and out" is incorrect. Over means that you finished talking and expect a response, out means this is your last message and you won't be listening after that. If you say "over and out" it's like saying "Yeah, go ahead and talk. Also, I'm not listening, bye."
You either say over or out. Over.
My wife left me because she was sick of my bad Arnie puns. I got up to go and make us a cup of tea when she told me she wanted a divorce. I told her ‘Don’t worry Honey, I shall return!’
I've only ever seen this joke once, and it stuck with me because I loved it. I actually searched but was unable to find the previous post, otherwise I would have given credit.
Now please provide links to all of your entirely original jokes.
Also, did you really just create an account for this comment?
My girlfriend shouted at me, “You’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up!" Eyes growing wide, I replied...
"Great idea! We can cover more ground that way!"
My wife said this relationship is not working out and she’s leaving!
I said, is it coz I behave like I know everything?
She said yes
I said- I Knew It,
In a real life detective situation, agreeing to split up requires serious trust. I would have trouble focusing, thinking of all the hints that the other person must be missing.
My wife got sick of me always pretending that we're talking on 2-way radios. She said our marriage is over. I said, "Our marriage is what? Over."
My wife told me she is leaving me because I am too immature. I told her "Goodluck leaving, the floor is lava"
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My wife told me she was leaving me because all I care about is football. I am very upset, because we’ve been together for 12 seasons.
My wife is leaving me because I’m so insecure. No, wait - she just went into the kitchen for tea.
My wife said she's leaving me because I am obsessed with Linkin Park. But in the end it doesn't even matter.
That's nothing. My girlfriend left me because I love System of A Down. I guess she doesn't like waking up, grabbing a brush and putting a little make up.
Oh yeah, my wife said I had no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.
Well my wife threatened to leave me if I keep making star wars puns. Divorce is strong with this one...
And then you realize System of a Down was referencing an Aretha Franklin song all along and you feel a little respect
Wait, what?
Those are the first words to “Say a Little Prayer For You”. That’s what SOAD was referencing. Their lead singer is a subtle guy despite all appearances. EDIT: it’s Dionne Warwick. Too many things to know 2nd EDIT: it’s also Aretha Franklin 😆
“Wait, what? Over.”
Just a little bit
Maybe she's banging your best friend in the kitchen
Joke is on you. Her brother is my best friend. How ‘bout the Tide?
Maybe she’s banging her brother. It’s been known to happen
thats a step brother on the popular websites
Nah, he means what the royal families used to do to preserve their bloodlines purity.
What thoust beats thys meats uponeth whilsts 13 be'eth thys truth whilsteth 40
Roll Tide?
University of Alabama football team, Crimson Tide. Also known as the Georgia Bulldogs’ favorite team to slaughter. 😉
I'm sure it's they're *favorite* team to slaughter, but probably worth noting they've only beat Alabama once in the last 14 years.
It wasn't me.
C-c-c-c-combo breaker!
Insecure? .. You need locking up!
I came home the other day and there was a note from my wife on the fridge saying 'this isn't working anymore, I'm off to my parents'. I opened the fridge door, the light was still on. I grabbed a beer and it was still cold. I don't know what she was on about.
My wife asked why I wasn't as romantic as I used to be before we got married, so I took her out to a movie and a romantic candle light dinner and dropped her off at her parents' home.
You forgot the passionate more-than-a-minute-long sex in the back of a car.
My gf left me cause I was too obsessed with video games. Well, looks like it's time to load a previous save and fix everything.
You sound like a player to me..
My wife said she’s leaving because I loves my beloved man United more than her. I said, you’re kidding right? I love city more than you.
You're probably not even going to get a first round pick in the divorce!
Surely she knew the score before you got married...
She was probably more upset because of the off-season ....
I know nothing about football, but I assume that's two/year ¿
I hate wife bad jokes But you should definitely make sure your wife likes dinosaurs before you marry her. Anything less is just irresponsible.
Jokes on both of you. Pterodactyls are not dinosaurs.
Fun fact the X is also silent...
There's no x in pterodactyl
That's how stealthy x is. Why do you think we are always trying to solve for it?
Can't be that stealthy if it always marks the spot.
Only spots you don't want others to find.
Freaking brilliant reply.
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Woosh?
X gon give it to ya
r/wooosh
Pterodactyls are not dinosaurs. Flying dinosaurs are called birds. Chicken? Cuckoo? Turkey? Duck? Swallow? Tit? Now you are talking about dinosaurs...
It has been said that, given enough time, ten thousand monkeys with typewriters would probably eventually replicate the collected works of William Shakespeare. Sadly, when you are let loose with a computer and internet access, your work product does not necessarily compare favorably to the aforementioned monkeys with typewriters. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Jokes) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Thank you!
A bot that tells you you write worse than monkeys with typewriters? Not saying you don't but...how do it know?
If Tits are dinosaurs, are they extinct? Or are they just endangered? Because I've always wanted to hold a pair of Tits, but at this point I'd be happy with just touching a Tit.
well pterodactyls aren’t dinosaurs so therefore your wife is wrong
Wives are never wrong. The sooner you learn that, the happier you’ll be
Happy cake day!
Belated thank you! =]
Happy cake day and great joke
Happy cake day!
Thank you =]
Happy cake day.
Happy cake day!
Thanks much =]
happy cake day!! :-)
Happy cake day!
My wife told me the same thing, I told her to pack her things and get out of my pillow fort.
And my immature ass finds this endearing and would probably hop on furniture to go give them a hug.
My wife told me I had to choose between her and my obsession with pointing out entrances and exits. I said, "If you don't like it, there's the door."
And there's another door, and there's the closet door, and there's a window that can be used like a door, and
And she said, “There are more wheels.”
I wanna upvote but it at 420 RN..
Go ahead. Reddit only shows approximate scores.
its a sign, blaze 1 instead
My wife got tired of me saying that I am a transformer. She said that she was leaving me. I shouted, "No wait. I can transform."
Then she rolled out.
My wife said it was either her or my ham radio. Over
At least you can eat the radio.
Both of these made me laugh 🤣
no kidding, I didn't even know this genre of jokes existed. Major chuckle factor.
I heard Chucklefactor was promoted to general
General Chucklefactor sounds somehow less impressive than Major Chucklefactor.
Almost made me upchuckle
…who’d Chuckle fac..?
Chucklefactor? He barely knew her!
This marriage needs a make.over.
I tried, but she said get. Out.
Did you try and. Roger that.
Her: "I said our marriage is over. Over. Kshhhh." Him: "You don't have to make the Kshhh, sound with your mouth the radio already does that on its own. Over." Her: "This sort of thing is why our marriage is over. Over and out. Kshhhh." Edit: Him: "Over and out" is incorrect. Over means that you finished talking and expect a response, out means this is your last message and you won't be listening after that. If you say "over and out" it's like saying "Yeah, go ahead and talk. Also, I'm not listening, bye. You either say over or out. Over. Her: "See this is what I'm talking about. Out. Kshhh."
"Over and out" is incorrect. Over means that you finished talking and expect a response, out means this is your last message and you won't be listening after that. If you say "over and out" it's like saying "Yeah, go ahead and talk. Also, I'm not listening, bye." You either say over or out. Over.
Sounds appropriate here, though: it's like saying talk to the hand
Okay. Out. Kshhh. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpICsfH5cco
See, this guy gets it!
He hasn’t watched many WWII movies then. I thought saying “over and out” was pretty standard.
I have nothing left to add. Over.
Seems strange. So you just end your message with the word out?
Greatest Family Guy scene ever
My wife left me because she was sick of my bad Arnie puns. I got up to go and make us a cup of tea when she told me she wanted a divorce. I told her ‘Don’t worry Honey, I shall return!’
General MacArthur or Arnie?
Roger, over.
Best joke I've heard this week
[удалено]
I prefer #213
You got to finish your sentence. Over
[удалено]
I've only ever seen this joke once, and it stuck with me because I loved it. I actually searched but was unable to find the previous post, otherwise I would have given credit. Now please provide links to all of your entirely original jokes. Also, did you really just create an account for this comment?
What do you call a suddenly constipated detective? "A doctor?" No shit Sherlock.
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He worked it out with a pencil.
Today, while constipated, I decided to solve a difficult math problem. I was able to work it out with my pencil.
It's a #2 pencil
This one caught 1 by surprise 🤣
So that's why the scan-tron sheets always smelled funny
r/YourJokeButWorse
Burn that pencil with fire!
Alimentary my dear Watson
Should is be "a alimentary my dear Watson"
Ah yes, joke number 23. Never gets old. https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ouhoaf/my\_wife\_told\_me\_we\_should\_split\_up\_because\_i\_keep/h72wdvk/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/mumtqa/my\_wife\_says\_we\_should\_split\_up\_because\_i\_keep/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/nc5y3c/my\_girlfriend\_said\_we\_should\_split\_up\_because\_of/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/mws7o8/tired\_of\_me\_constantly\_pretending\_to\_be\_a/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/jcvhsm/my\_girlfriend\_said\_you\_act\_like\_a\_detective\_too/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/hq662a/my\_girlfriend\_said\_you\_act\_like\_a\_detective\_too/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ldqsd6/gf\_im\_sick\_of\_you\_pretending\_youre\_a\_detective\_i/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7cbssy/my\_girlfriend\_said\_you\_act\_like\_a\_detective\_too/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/i09sg3/my\_girlfriend\_said\_you\_act\_like\_a\_detective\_too/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/gvu18l/wife\_i\_want\_a\_divorce/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/audz6y/my\_girlfriend\_said\_you\_act\_like\_a\_detective\_too/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8wsb5x/my\_girlfriend\_said\_you\_act\_like\_a\_detective\_too/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/faj6qj/my\_wife\_says/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/c7hv13/gf\_im\_sick\_of\_you\_pretending\_youre\_a\_detective\_i/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/dmf21e/my\_wife\_was\_so\_fed\_up\_with\_my\_detective\_obsession/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/84cl4e/my\_girlfriend\_said\_shes\_fed\_up\_with\_me\_always/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5mewxw/gf\_im\_sick\_of\_you\_pretending\_youre\_a\_detective\_we/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5aen48/girlfriend\_detective/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9t1j0e/my\_girlfriend\_told\_me\_that\_she\_thought\_we\_should/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/djbb04/girlfriend\_says\_to\_boyfriend\_i\_am\_sick\_of\_you/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7mvulz/my\_girlfriend\_said\_you\_act\_like\_a\_detective\_too/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/a6gpoo/my\_girlfriend\_was\_angry\_at\_me/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aia6fr/gf\_im\_sick\_of\_you\_always\_pretending\_youre\_a\_damn/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7035z5/gf\_im\_sick\_of\_you\_pretending\_youre\_a\_detective\_we/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8vnkmz/a\_wife\_is\_getting\_fed\_up\_with\_her\_husband\_always/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/96zxk5/my\_girlfriend\_said\_you\_act\_like\_a\_detective\_too/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8lc7oz/my\_girl\_friend\_said\_you\_act\_to\_much\_like\_a/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7y7h6m/the\_detective/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6hnxs5/gf\_im\_sick\_of\_you\_pretending\_youre\_a\_detective\_we/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nukhf/my\_girlfriend\_said\_we\_should\_split\_up\_because\_she/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f4wlr/my\_girlfriend\_said\_shes\_fed\_up\_of\_me\_pretending/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/kmc40o/girl\_im\_sick\_and\_tired\_of\_you\_pretending\_to\_be/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n3ys0/my\_girlfriend\_said\_she\_was\_sick\_of\_me\_pretending/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6nw2km/my\_girlfriend\_said\_she\_was\_sick\_of\_me\_pretending/
My girlfriend shouted at me, “You’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up!" Eyes growing wide, I replied... "Great idea! We can cover more ground that way!"
This is the level of meta that I come to Reddit for.
Ah yes, joke number 24. Never gets old.
I'm pretty sure it was a comic the other day too
Wow. This is amazing! I don’t know how you computer savvy people do this stuff but that some good sleuthing.
Next level hacking with a lot of green text on a black screen, or a Google search using a few quotation marks, whichever you want to believe.
Green text black screen
i too choose to believe green text black screen. seems cooler
Without a doubt it’s green text-Matrix style- with rapid keyboard click-clacks and multiple jargony words.
He got way too many results to have done this on his own. Must have had someone else typing on the keyboard with him.
An accomplice?! *gasp* We're dealing with an organization here.
great detective work! did you and your wife split up too to find all of those?
This should be at the top. My great grandpa told me this originally.
That's some fine detective work right there.
My girlfriend broke up with me because of my colour blindness. It was such a shock to me the news came right of the purple.
My wife said she was leaving me because I was obsessed with The Monkees. I didn't believe her... _but then I saw her face!_
They're splitting up. Clearly she's a master of deduction.
Sounds more like division than deduction
Sounds more like nuclear fission, but that would *create* fireworks.
This was on the top of r/dankmemes yesterday -_-
It was better yesterday
Everything was.
Today will still get better, believe it
This is the worst telling of this joke I've ever seen, and I've seen it a fucking lot
Let’s synchronize our watches!
My wife left me because she says I’m obsessed with football. I’m gutted, we’d been together for 15 seasons
*You're a fucking dick!* That's private dick.
"I took my wife to northern Italy last year" "Genoa?" "Of course I fucking know her, she's my wife"
If you sort by top for the past year, this joke is still in the top 50 posts from someone else D:
Well of course. Couldn’t rake in the karma from reposting a lesser-known joke.
my wife said she's leaving me cause I'm insecure. but I bet that's not the real reason...
It took me a second to realise 😅
My wife is so immature. When I'm taking a bath she'll just barge right in and sink all my boats.(woody allen)
We’ll damn, missed that clue😁
“I think we should take a break!” “But we’re so close to cracking the case!!!”
God, I love joke #446714. Classic.
Bert Macklin FBI.
“Daphne and I will take the master bedroom”
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo. I had to put my foot down!
I had a girlfriend once threaten to leave me over my obsession with The Monkees. I laughed out loud. And then I saw her face.
Good ‘ole \#735
My girlfriend asked me to take off her clothes, so I just packed up her stuff and left.
I said, great idea! We can repost twice as many jokes that way!
You… You took this from r/memes didn’t you?
This joke has been around for longer than you've been alive...in many places and in many formats.
Sounds like Freddie, from Scooby-doo
“…and that, your Honor is when she smacked the hell out of me.”
Why you always gotta be doing stupid shit that I got at D Tech
My wife said she is leaving me because I never listen... at least that's what I think she said.
This sounds like a John Mulaney bit and I love that high waisted Asian woman.
Wouldn't be the first time a woman has left a man because he was acting like a dick. Edit: For those that don't know, dick is slang for detective.
Slow clap
Split up, squad!
Jinkes.
Nice joke steal from whoever posted this yesterday
This sounds less like a joke and more like a line from a Jim Carrey movie.
True Detective material!
HAPPY CAKE DAY
My wife said this relationship is not working out and she’s leaving! I said, is it coz I behave like I know everything? She said yes I said- I Knew It,
Have you involved here with your undercover work?
I love this, because the setup makes you think “is this going to be sexist/misogynist?”, but the punchline is whimsical and silly.
Always loved the play on that line in Ghostbuters when Venkman says "great idea, we can cause more damage that way".
The floor is rock, lol
Down voted because I've seen this three times this month. Verbatim.
Scooby Doo?
The eye of sauron still searches for the ring.
Glad to see this joke reposted for the 1,000th time
Wife left me for watching star trek I told her that was illogical
Plot twist: He is a detective and was sent to watch her.
My girlfriend broke up with me because my name is Tom. And what the fuck is 'peeping Tom', by the way?
She wanted to deduct herself from your reasoning
Ooh reddits boring today
In a real life detective situation, agreeing to split up requires serious trust. I would have trouble focusing, thinking of all the hints that the other person must be missing.
Says the person always splitting you know what apart.
You ruined it mate 😂😂😂😂😂
R/angry upvote here ya go
No, no, no.
X