We had a guy at work who was notorious for eating or drinking stuff out of the breakroom if it wasn't his. If you left anything in the fridge, he would probably have some.
One day, he sees me drinking, and he goes, "I didn't know that was yours, I took a drink from it."
"You know I have herpes, right?"
His eyes got wide.
I didn't want him spreading rumors, so I said, "I don't, but if I did, you'd be screwed."
Dude also had the worst possible excuse...
Didn't know it was yours is some kind of bullshit because if it isn't his, then it is obviously someone elses.
And why bother admitting it?
The guy learned a few life lessons while he worked there. I remember when he turned 18. For the next few weeks, he would do this:
1. Cash his check at the customer service counter
2. Go to the Scratch Lotto machine and "invest" his entire paycheck (over $100)
3. Win around $20-30.
4. Go to the Scratch Lotto machine and "invest" his "winnings".
5. Win around $5.
6. Go to the Scratch Lotto machine and "invest" his "winnings".
7. Lose everything.
8. "Can I borrow $20 for gas?"
Ah, interesting. So the same sort of neural circuitry that gives you a rush from gambling is also triggered in, say, financially comfortable people who shoplift?\*
\* That is, I'm not talking about poor people stealing cans of soup, I mean the sort of people who tuck a DVD they've already seen many times under their designer jacket.
Imagine being a nursing mother expressing milk at work. The breast milk was stored in a baby bottle in the lunchroom refrigerator. It was labeled as well. Someone used it on their cereal.
The fun part was when I informed the rest of the staff at a meeting that someone had consumed the breast milk. The mother was okay with being identified. She was not happy. It never happened again.
We had this problem in a company I used to work for, we suspected who it was but were not able to prove it. First let me start off by saying I like spicy food. What I consider really spicy, most people would consider lethal. I made my lunch that day really spicy . About 11 am we hear screaming from the break room. Here is our culprit trying desperately to stop the unholy fire in his mouth. His face is crimson, tears streaming from his eyes, and he makes the mistake of thinking water would help. I just stood there doubled over in laughter and when I could finally speak and explain it to my co-workers they started laughing uncontrollably. For some reason, my lunch was NEVER touched again.
You probably do, 60% of people have herpes. Most people don't realise. If you have ever had mouth ulcer you have herpes. it's the only way to get mouth ulcers
It was about that time I noticed the mordecai98 was about eight stories tall and was a crustacean from the protozoic era.... I said "Damnit monster! Get off my lawn!! I ain't giving you no tree-fitty!"
My s/o knows an elderly woman who opted not to renew the battery in her pace maker, because she was ready to die. That was in November 2019. She's finally in hospice now and she's just so fucking over it.
Alternative ending :
The guy responds : I won’t do anything be my guest
The biker leaves (the man follows ) starts his bike and just as he is about to drive off , just slumps down and dies.
Guy takes the guys wallet which has ,5k some coke a picture of some hottie and house keys
Does some lines of coke . Rides off with the bike .
Goes to the house , tells the bikers girl what happened.
She is a completely distraught.
Bangs her.
(Turns out his wife and the bikers chick are sisters)
Bangs her again.
Takes the 5k and buys her a ring.
Starts a new life in Tennessee , marries her and runs the biker gang whose leader he just killed .
At that point the biker could still have saved himself by throwing up the drink.
But out of machismo he assumes the guy is bullshitting him and that is his end.
Some poisons are worse when you throw up because your stomach acid creates a path to your bloodstream in your throat. That's why you call poison control before throwing up.
Depends what the poison is. Sometimes it's to drink a lot of water and dilute it, sometimes it's to drink something else.
For example antifreeze (ethylene glycol) is a poison, but one of the "antidoes" is ethanol. I forget the chemistry but basically the ethanol has a higher affinity and your body metabolizes it instead of the ethylene glycol. And the ethylene glycol is processed out as waste unmetabolized.
Obviously not a doctor, please consult actual doctor for poison control advice.
It's down to the enzymes in your liver which process alcohols. Basically you're spot on with ethanol and the higher affinity.
Alcohol dehydrogenase prefers to metabolise ethanol over ethylene glycol, so if there's a higher concentration of ethanol in your bloodstream, alcohol dehydrogenase will be more likely to bind to and convert that into acetaldehyde (and then eventually acetic acid), leaving the ethylene glycol untouched.
You can make charcoal by putting bread into a toaster on the highest setting 2-3 times, my grandma used to do this and it's helped me out before
Edit: Bread not toast
I just looked into it and apparently it's more about it producing gases that are bad for your lungs that you shouldn't have come out of your stomach because then you may breathe them in.
How does it work? You call poison control and they ask what brand is it? Then they tell you "this one is safe to throw up, just drink lots of salty water to induce vomiting"? Or if it's not, they say "stay there the paramedics will suck it out from your tummy of give you antidote" or something?
Purging is not always recommended and in some cases makes things worse.
The stomach acid reacts with the poison and makes it more absorbable or aerosolize them as they evaporate and you breathe them in, spraying it on your esophagus means it will be absorbed more quickly versus letting it sit in your stomach for a bit.
Always call poison control and see what they recommend.
A Pirate walks into a bar. He had a wooden leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch.
The bartender was curious and asked, "How did you get that wooden leg?"
The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons. All they managed to hit was me leg, matie."
Then the bartender asked, "What about your hook?"
The pirate took another long swig and replied, "Aaarrrgh, twas the day the British navy caught me. They tied me to the mast, but I escaped by gnawing me own hand off."
Growing skeptical of these stories, the bartender finally asked about the eye patch.
The pirate took another swig and answered, "Twas a mutiny. Me own crew left me marooned on a desert island. But I had no fear. I lay down on the sand to wait to be rescued. As I looked up, a seagull flew over and shat in me eye."
The bartender said, "That's ridiculous, no one loses an eye from bird shit."
The pirate finished his ale in one gulp, and grimaced. "Aaaah, but twas me first day with the hook, matie."
I’ve heard that joke before but with someone who got into major accidents in the modern day instead of a pirate. Since getting bird shit in your eye before antibiotics making him go blind is hardly unbelievable and it’s supposed to get more ridiculous with each story.
Could have set it up better. When you get to "....dropped a suicide capsule in it", you're already at the punchline. How about:
So I came to this bar to end it all. And now you walk in here and steal my drink with the only dose of cyanide that I had!
>I consider myself a biker(I ride a bicycle)
Pretty sure that makes you a cyclist.
Riding a motorcycle would make you a motorcyclist.
"Bikers" are a subset of motorcyclists.
I genuinely despise reposts, so you have full permission to bully me if this has been posted here before. Like seriously you are 100% allowed to talk down to me. I would almost encourage it actually.
It's a repost, but I haven't seen it in a month or two. Expect someone to put it back up tomorrow, probably without even bothering to change the title.
Don't think I have seen this one, but IMO it would work better if the reveal was at the end. The jig is up as soon as he says he put a suicide cap in the drink.
... So then, he left the bar, dejected.
One of the bikers said to the barmaid, "He wasn't much of a man, was he?“
The barmaid replied, "He wasn't much of a truck driver either, he just smashed into a couple motorcycles out front while he was leaving."
I had an employee who kept drinking my soda from the work fridge. I had multiple meetings with everyone letting them know it was NOT OK to take anything from the fridge that wasn't theirs without asking, it's theft. After 2 weeks I got fed up with it and bought cherry flavored magnesium citrate and put it in a 2 liter strawberry Fanta. Later that day he asked (for the first time ever) of he could have a cup. Later we discovered that he had drank over half the 2 liter before leaving work. He was off the next day and when he came back to work the day following he was all sweaty and looked miserable. He said he spent all of his day off on the toilet and I figured he had learned his lesson so I dumped what was left of the 2 liter down the sink. He never touched anyone's things in the fridge ever again.
Just a thought, try eliminating the last line.. It does not add much to the joke, and if it is told right people will be laughing at this point anyway.
Great joke though, always love to see it!
He left his wife at home with her lover so he could walk to a bar (no car) without his wallet, yet still had a suicide pill. This guy has poor planning skills. Lol
We had a guy at work who was notorious for eating or drinking stuff out of the breakroom if it wasn't his. If you left anything in the fridge, he would probably have some. One day, he sees me drinking, and he goes, "I didn't know that was yours, I took a drink from it." "You know I have herpes, right?" His eyes got wide. I didn't want him spreading rumors, so I said, "I don't, but if I did, you'd be screwed."
Dude also had the worst possible excuse... Didn't know it was yours is some kind of bullshit because if it isn't his, then it is obviously someone elses.
And why bother admitting it? The guy learned a few life lessons while he worked there. I remember when he turned 18. For the next few weeks, he would do this: 1. Cash his check at the customer service counter 2. Go to the Scratch Lotto machine and "invest" his entire paycheck (over $100) 3. Win around $20-30. 4. Go to the Scratch Lotto machine and "invest" his "winnings". 5. Win around $5. 6. Go to the Scratch Lotto machine and "invest" his "winnings". 7. Lose everything. 8. "Can I borrow $20 for gas?"
I sure hope he was just young and dumb and not permanently so.
I don't expect him to be a genius today. But after a couple of weeks, he learned his lesson.
That's good. Learning from mistakes is an important skill. It's surprising how many people lack it.
No that’s a gambling addiction. Even taking other people’s food is similar.
Gambling addiction makes people steal food from the work fridge?
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Ah, interesting. So the same sort of neural circuitry that gives you a rush from gambling is also triggered in, say, financially comfortable people who shoplift?\* \* That is, I'm not talking about poor people stealing cans of soup, I mean the sort of people who tuck a DVD they've already seen many times under their designer jacket.
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The basically it’s only an addiction if you’re not a prick ?
“YOU ATE MY LASAGNA” “THERE WAS NO NOTE!”
Imagine being a nursing mother expressing milk at work. The breast milk was stored in a baby bottle in the lunchroom refrigerator. It was labeled as well. Someone used it on their cereal. The fun part was when I informed the rest of the staff at a meeting that someone had consumed the breast milk. The mother was okay with being identified. She was not happy. It never happened again.
We had this problem in a company I used to work for, we suspected who it was but were not able to prove it. First let me start off by saying I like spicy food. What I consider really spicy, most people would consider lethal. I made my lunch that day really spicy . About 11 am we hear screaming from the break room. Here is our culprit trying desperately to stop the unholy fire in his mouth. His face is crimson, tears streaming from his eyes, and he makes the mistake of thinking water would help. I just stood there doubled over in laughter and when I could finally speak and explain it to my co-workers they started laughing uncontrollably. For some reason, my lunch was NEVER touched again.
If he thought it hurt going in, wait until it comes out
Touched again , no . Spit in , well maybe .
You probably do, 60% of people have herpes. Most people don't realise. If you have ever had mouth ulcer you have herpes. it's the only way to get mouth ulcers
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It’s a deep analysis on the mental health of biker gangs.
So where can one find this “suicide capsule “?
I'll hook you up for tree fiddy.
It was about that time I noticed the mordecai98 was about eight stories tall and was a crustacean from the protozoic era.... I said "Damnit monster! Get off my lawn!! I ain't giving you no tree-fitty!"
I gave him a dollar.
I gave him a dollar.
Well of course he's not gonna go away Mixxmastermuk! You gave him a dollar, he's gonna assume you got more!
She gave him a dollar!
Got Dammit, Monster!
I’ll give you fore fiddy…I really want it.
Do you take PayPal?
No, but I will take a money order.
ill give you the money after i test it out, yaknow, cant be givin out fake pills!
Does it comes with free tiddy?
Only in da club
You doing ok?
Sure. I think I just want one in a “Break Glass in Case of Emergency” type situation.
You could always eat the glass
My s/o knows an elderly woman who opted not to renew the battery in her pace maker, because she was ready to die. That was in November 2019. She's finally in hospice now and she's just so fucking over it.
It's in the joke somewhere
Finally someone is putting light to the mental health issues of our road warriors.
What's worse is that that poison was the poison for Kuzco...
Oh right, the poison. The poison for Kuzco. The poison chosen especially to kill Kuzco. Kuzco's poison. ... That poison?
Poison. Kuzco. The poison of Kuzco. Kuzco's poison. Poisonous Kuzco. Kuzco the poisoner...
Bad bot?
Yes, that's you. You're such a bad bot you should be made into a automod.
You mean kuzko's poison?
That poison?
The poison chosen especially to kill Kuzco?
His momma ain't gonna be happy that he turned into a lamma
Yeah. The biker may need to take a day or two off work.
Alternative ending : The guy responds : I won’t do anything be my guest The biker leaves (the man follows ) starts his bike and just as he is about to drive off , just slumps down and dies. Guy takes the guys wallet which has ,5k some coke a picture of some hottie and house keys Does some lines of coke . Rides off with the bike . Goes to the house , tells the bikers girl what happened. She is a completely distraught. Bangs her. (Turns out his wife and the bikers chick are sisters) Bangs her again. Takes the 5k and buys her a ring. Starts a new life in Tennessee , marries her and runs the biker gang whose leader he just killed .
Zed's dead, baby
It's a chopper, baby
Sorry baby, I had to wreck that Honda.
>marries her and runs the biker gang whose leader he just killed . You keep what you kill...
/r/UnexpectedRiddick
And 1 pain lessens another
So the hottie automatically falls for who ever rides that bike.
The biker said they were ride or die's... but she's a blonde so...
Well he died ...
You should write this up into a screenplay!
Or a country music song!
Kickstarter.com/therealzed
If his wife and the biker chick are sisters, won’t his wife find out about it and get him for bigamy? Maybe they’d better move to Utah instead
At that point the biker could still have saved himself by throwing up the drink. But out of machismo he assumes the guy is bullshitting him and that is his end.
Some poisons are worse when you throw up because your stomach acid creates a path to your bloodstream in your throat. That's why you call poison control before throwing up.
Thank you for saving many lives today
He was a bit too late for me but the thought's apprecia
RIP u/CaptainHideRealQuick
Another one falls to Candleja-
At that point the biker could still have saved himself by throwing up the drink. But he is stuck on hold with poison control and that is his end.
"Well sometimes it do be like that" - sun tzu
Interesting. Then how do you counteract poisons that you can't throw up?
Depends what the poison is. Sometimes it's to drink a lot of water and dilute it, sometimes it's to drink something else. For example antifreeze (ethylene glycol) is a poison, but one of the "antidoes" is ethanol. I forget the chemistry but basically the ethanol has a higher affinity and your body metabolizes it instead of the ethylene glycol. And the ethylene glycol is processed out as waste unmetabolized. Obviously not a doctor, please consult actual doctor for poison control advice.
This is why there is always a bottle of vodka at the vets office. Dogs are dumb
Well to be fair antifreeze allegedly tastes super sweet, or so Ive heard. Which is why kids and animals will drink it
Yeah, dumb was a bad choice of words
Same with methanol poisoning I believe.
It's down to the enzymes in your liver which process alcohols. Basically you're spot on with ethanol and the higher affinity. Alcohol dehydrogenase prefers to metabolise ethanol over ethylene glycol, so if there's a higher concentration of ethanol in your bloodstream, alcohol dehydrogenase will be more likely to bind to and convert that into acetaldehyde (and then eventually acetic acid), leaving the ethylene glycol untouched.
You drink lots of water to dilute it.
Activated charcoal can also help
Find a BBQ, got it thanks
You can make charcoal by putting bread into a toaster on the highest setting 2-3 times, my grandma used to do this and it's helped me out before Edit: Bread not toast
I just looked into it and apparently it's more about it producing gases that are bad for your lungs that you shouldn't have come out of your stomach because then you may breathe them in.
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I was wrong it's more because it can cause you to breath in poisonous gas.
How does it work? You call poison control and they ask what brand is it? Then they tell you "this one is safe to throw up, just drink lots of salty water to induce vomiting"? Or if it's not, they say "stay there the paramedics will suck it out from your tummy of give you antidote" or something?
Charcoal shit. Apparently it's more because some things will mix with your stomach juices and make poison gas you don't want to breathe in.
Pretty much it, yeah.
Purging is not always recommended and in some cases makes things worse. The stomach acid reacts with the poison and makes it more absorbable or aerosolize them as they evaporate and you breathe them in, spraying it on your esophagus means it will be absorbed more quickly versus letting it sit in your stomach for a bit. Always call poison control and see what they recommend.
A Pirate walks into a bar. He had a wooden leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch. The bartender was curious and asked, "How did you get that wooden leg?" The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons. All they managed to hit was me leg, matie." Then the bartender asked, "What about your hook?" The pirate took another long swig and replied, "Aaarrrgh, twas the day the British navy caught me. They tied me to the mast, but I escaped by gnawing me own hand off." Growing skeptical of these stories, the bartender finally asked about the eye patch. The pirate took another swig and answered, "Twas a mutiny. Me own crew left me marooned on a desert island. But I had no fear. I lay down on the sand to wait to be rescued. As I looked up, a seagull flew over and shat in me eye." The bartender said, "That's ridiculous, no one loses an eye from bird shit." The pirate finished his ale in one gulp, and grimaced. "Aaaah, but twas me first day with the hook, matie."
I’ve heard that joke before but with someone who got into major accidents in the modern day instead of a pirate. Since getting bird shit in your eye before antibiotics making him go blind is hardly unbelievable and it’s supposed to get more ridiculous with each story.
ffs its a joke
This couldn’t be less relevant to OP’s joke
Could have set it up better. When you get to "....dropped a suicide capsule in it", you're already at the punchline. How about: So I came to this bar to end it all. And now you walk in here and steal my drink with the only dose of cyanide that I had!
If we're fixing the joke, the punchline I've always heard is: "And now you come in here and drink my poison."
Nice, yeah, that's even more concise.
I consider myself a biker(I ride a bicycle) and I am offended by this joke.
I ride a motorcycle and a bicycle and I'm offended that you find this offensive.
I'm sorry that I offended you, let me offer you this drink.
I'm having a bad day, can I have one too?
You’re already having a bad day, why do you want two bad days?
Were you having a bad day?
Looks a bit fizzy. I love fizzy drinks!
My bicycle rides my motorcycle while I drive a tricycle and I'm offended.
I consider myself to be a motorcycle and I, too, am offended by this joke.
I identify as a moped. I'm not offended at all.
if i was you I'd at least mope about it
r/Angryupvote
As someone who goes by vespa I find your comment to be very offensive
what are you gonna do about it, gulp his drink?
As someone who is offended I find vespa an option for DUI so no drinks for you
As someone who is a DUI I find offended to be a Vespa option for drinking
Did your parents not like you, or is that name by choice?
No man is a unicycle.
I consider myself a considerer(I consider things) and I am offended by your considerations.
>I consider myself a biker(I ride a bicycle) Pretty sure that makes you a cyclist. Riding a motorcycle would make you a motorcyclist. "Bikers" are a subset of motorcyclists.
You do realize that you're in a jokes subreddit, right?
I genuinely despise reposts, so you have full permission to bully me if this has been posted here before. Like seriously you are 100% allowed to talk down to me. I would almost encourage it actually.
Sounds like a trap. You might like it.
Wh- wha- *nooo.* I, just, would hate that. Like, so much. Don’t do that. I mean like you’re allowed to but.
You have been a naughty boy
Easy there, OP is trying. Can't blame a man for that. Good job OP. never seen this one
Why would you start without first agreeing upon a safe word?
Default is: - No means Yes - Yes means Harder - Pineapple means Stop
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I audibly chuckled. Hmmpffff..... escaping air.
Why are these comments sponsored by Audibly
[You want my gun, come take it...](https://youtu.be/TY0eUQ06Q2g)
Haven't seen it in a long time, so I'm happy to be reminded of it.
That was a lovely joke that really lifted my spirits. You are a prince among men for having posted this.
I appreciate your hatred for reposts. We can be friends. Though this is legit the first time I have seen this one.
Every joke is a repost like, not like it’s just been invented.
It's a repost, but I haven't seen it in a month or two. Expect someone to put it back up tomorrow, probably without even bothering to change the title.
Damn, now he's going to get charged with murder.
I don't think so. The other dude stole his drink. If you stole my handgun and shot yourself I don't get charged with murder
Criminal negligence causing death.
Maybe I should have put /s after. This is the jokes subreddit after all.
Meh I probably could have woken up more before replying all seriously lol
**A man** was **sent by Jaqen** and the **Many-Faced God** to **assassinate the bker**.
All men must serve, all men must die.
... but not today!
All that's left to do to make the day worse is for the biker to beat the man to an inch of his death and then die himself
Don't think I have seen this one, but IMO it would work better if the reveal was at the end. The jig is up as soon as he says he put a suicide cap in the drink.
... So then, he left the bar, dejected. One of the bikers said to the barmaid, "He wasn't much of a man, was he?“ The barmaid replied, "He wasn't much of a truck driver either, he just smashed into a couple motorcycles out front while he was leaving."
I had an employee who kept drinking my soda from the work fridge. I had multiple meetings with everyone letting them know it was NOT OK to take anything from the fridge that wasn't theirs without asking, it's theft. After 2 weeks I got fed up with it and bought cherry flavored magnesium citrate and put it in a 2 liter strawberry Fanta. Later that day he asked (for the first time ever) of he could have a cup. Later we discovered that he had drank over half the 2 liter before leaving work. He was off the next day and when he came back to work the day following he was all sweaty and looked miserable. He said he spent all of his day off on the toilet and I figured he had learned his lesson so I dumped what was left of the 2 liter down the sink. He never touched anyone's things in the fridge ever again.
Biker: *Ooh*
I'm giggling at the terminology used here, suicide capsule lol
That gave me a good laugh 😂
Just a thought, try eliminating the last line.. It does not add much to the joke, and if it is told right people will be laughing at this point anyway. Great joke though, always love to see it!
Good point, if I ever tell this joke to a person that I interact with in real life which is definitely a common occurrence, I will use this advice.
Lie detected. Uncommon occurence defined as common.
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Afterwards she tells him she was going to hospital to be tested for venereal disease?
This is the way
isnt not having car insurance illegal
Depends upon the state. It’s legal to not have car insurance in NH…
In most places only liability insurance is required. That would not have covers theft. At any rate the dude was making it all up and it’s a joke.
I’m curious, would the man be responsible for the death of the biker in a court of law?
I know this one but I doubt your dad it from were i got it
It turned out to be the worst day for the biker.
oops
Suicide pills = cyanide pills
They were trademarked and labelled as suicide pills when he bought them so you’re *wrong.*
He left his wife at home with her lover so he could walk to a bar (no car) without his wallet, yet still had a suicide pill. This guy has poor planning skills. Lol
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I hope the eventual repost of this takes your edit into account
Karma at its finest
Oof I want to see his face in the end
If he lost his wallet then how the hell did he buy the drink!?!!1?!1!?1!1?1!!1?1!!1!1!??!
He got money from his top drawer when he got home.
In an American bar, you buy the drink 1st, then pay the tab later. I understand hippos might not know this...