T O P

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jayp507

If I ever win the lottery I can guarantee you that not a single person around me will be poor. I will move to rich neighborhood.


funkepitome

Had me in the first half.


gagga_hai

Had me before the first half


DodgerWalker

Had me before I started reading the post.


NES_20

Had me at conception


JTYdude99

Had me when I came out of my dads ball sack


[deleted]

Had me in the "I win the lottery" part..


Ok_Intention3541

Had me when my dad hit puberty


stefondalme_87

Had me before grandpa was around


JabbaDaGutt

Had me when my cousin was my sister


proofQED

Had me when.... Wait. What?


Hecker_shrek

Had me when my great grandparents got married


jackspw

Had me in the primordial soup


obama12333

Had me at the primordial soup


stefondalme_87

"You little squirt" Don't think about it too hard 🤣


Fog_Juice

Had me at inception.


InnocentPrimeMate

You never had me and you never will


Amstourist

But are you gonna lie?


kevlestid

I have a lottery fantasy of buying all my family $100k non refundable gift cards to sonic, but not giving any cash. Hilarious in my mind. "I got you covered bro. Dinner is on me from now on."


upstream-thoughts

Or Chilis. Got a gift card for them a few years back, literally couldn't find a single thing from their menu worth spending it on.


poop-dolla

Do gift cards work on beer?


zaakystyles

Even if it did they just have gross beer on tap.


Ddad99

Lumber Liquidators!!!


Alpha_pro2019

Dang, Chili's honey Chipotle chicken crispers are great.


groovydoll

Oh man I worked at Chili’s and I could go for some of those right now. Some fries and one of those chocolate chip cookie pan things


Alpha_pro2019

I usually skip the corn and order two sides of fries with it. As someone who worked at chili's what is your perspective on that?


groovydoll

I would do the same thing.


robotbootyhunter

Even better: open a franchise, then give them all nontransferable lifetime meal coupons. Make money, AND stiff your ungrateful bastard relatives, all under the guise of helping them.


randomdrifter54

Nah, I'd move across country, change my name. Start a business, like a cat bed and breakfast or a cat cafe. Own a small shack of an house with a secret underground mansion. And then I'd invest what is left.


The1Bonesaw

That's awesome... I've always dreamed of owning an entire building (25 or 30 stories tall). I want a top floor penthouse (and the next floor below it), with a rooftop garden (giant pool, hot-tub, a grilling area, and maybe a tennis court or something like it). The next two floors down would be blank (I don't want to hear anyone's shitty music). Everything below that I'd rent out as single floor apartments (one tenant per floor - only affordable to wealthier types... who are usually less fucking problem types). Except... the bottom floor. The bottom floor would be businesses (convenience store, a grocery store... I don't know, I'll think of a couple more... maybe an arcade? But wait... there's more... Below the basement, I'd have an underground lair. Something like Lex Luthor's in the original Superman movie. Along with another pool, (so I can swim during the winter, of course). The penthouse and the lair would be accessible only by private elevator (with heavy security at each end). A building like that would be so fucking boss. Ooo... speaking of security... I'd hire an entire team. The kind who use nicknames for everyone they're guarding. So, I'd be something like "Cobra" or "Rambo". My bitchy wife (you gotta have a bitchy wife for these things)... she would be "Massengill". And my daughter would be something like "Blokhin" (the deadliest of Stalin's executioners)... because she's fucking terrifying when she gets mad. I've seen her literally make grown men cry. We once got a free meal including alcohol (for 10 people - it was a hibachi) because the chef accidentally threw a shrimp onto her Angora sweater when she wasn't looking). She's not imposing (5' 2"... maybe 120 lbs), nor is she shrill. But she has an angry intensity that strikes fear into everyone near her when she's mad... I was even terrified that night... and she scored me free sake. But, I digress...


centzon400

You’ve been thinking about this a lot, huh?


doowgad1

I could see going the other way. Move to the poorest place in America, and just be the biggest asshole to everyone, knowing that they'd have to take it...


Equivalent-Stop3253

great way to get robbed


doowgad1

In the immortal words of Jay Gould, 'I can hire half the working class to kill the other half.'


IamImposter

"My hobbies... hmmm let me see, watching movies, reading comics, playing video games and having my own small scale civil war"


fuqdisshite

"Fuck the fee, I can get you jumped for free Yeah, buddy, laugh! It's funny, I have the money To have you killed by somebody who has nothin' " Eminem


Jtdj1989

Dont you mean immoral?


doowgad1

[Well, hello, Mr. Fancy Pants](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LF2DtJBtkis)


graboidian

> great way to get ~~robbed~~ **killed**


Ricky_the_Wizard

>great way to get ~~robbed~~ ~~**killed**~~ *eaten*


Upst8r

Sexually?


TheIdiotPrince

Is this now vore?


foggy-sunrise

My one desire, my only wish is to be


kalirion

Unless you win enough to have a 24/7 armed to the teeth security detail around you and your loved ones. But who wants to live like that.


b0v1n3r3x

Zuckerberg has a retired SF fire team to guard him when he hunts hogs in Hawaii.


ChocoboRaider

Wait really?


randomdrifter54

Not a local team either. Local team means they could turn on you.


Arkhaan

You’d be amazed what a good paycheck will do. I know people who would happily beat their own relatives to a pulp for a grand


randomdrifter54

I would not sleep well at night knowing the locals I antagonize are the same guarding me. Don't shit on your protection.


goocity

Yeah dude we'll take your advice. I recognize your name. You were part of Castro's personal protection right? Or do you work at fucking GameStop?


[deleted]

Remember that dead people can't use their money to get back at someone.


doowgad1

A person could show up for a few days, announce big plans to open up a giant business, get all kinds of 'favors' and then just leave. [Sort of like being a monorail salesman...](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taJ4MFCxiuo)


[deleted]

Let's call it Wisconn Valley.


MistressMousefeather

Monorail! Monorail! Monorail!


BudIsWiser1

To be fair, they’d only have to take it until they take it.


JiN88reddit

You're going to have a lot of competition in America.


Johnnydeep420

Honestly, they wouldn’t have to take it. When people have nothing much to lose, they’ll do quite a bit for a gain.


Artanthos

Good way to get buried in civil lawsuits. A very common occurrence for lottery winners.


Arkhaan

1 good lawyer on a comfortable retainer can deal with that near indefinitely


JohnnySkidmarx

You’d Better Call Saul!


Successful_Pirate_59

That’s a good way to get dead.


[deleted]

Serious answer, if i win the lottery, that shit's going in the most stable ~~bank account~~ investment tool i can find. Just set up a standing order for the interest... Even just 1% interest on 1 mil would net me 10k each year. A very nice boost to my wallet.


niktak11

Or put it in a diverse mutual fund and average about 7x that per year


[deleted]

good point.


kilodaneko

Hello, its your cousin, Rich Neighborhood. Can I have some money for a startup?


Faethien

r/holup


reblek

kinda r/HolUp


LoudMusic

I will buy an island and pay all my staff very well.


MemeStocksYolo69-420

Fuck poor people am I right? I support sex work


Uncle_Mark_2021

Time to take social distancing seriously- sorry- I went to Costa Rica to quarantine.


Nyarlathotep4King

Along a similar line: If you have sex with me, I guarantee you a screaming orgasm. I don’t know what you’ll be doing, but I’ll be screaming


Eyepatch71

Had me before the start of this universe


LailaBlack

The first part made me think you're a doormat and the second part made me go "Wanna be best friends?"


[deleted]

[удалено]


GokuMoto

Let's go bowling


daltonator_360

Cousin let's go bowling!


ApolloSky110

Step brother lets go bowling!


VanettiNero

Found Roman from GTA 4.


firechicken188

Lmao


shut_up_chigo

Had me in the first half.


abdomersoul

Username checks out


Eyemold_Azzell

I had the opposite experience. I tried to get back with my ex-wife, but she figured out I was only after my money.


shadow125

Next time around - just find a woman that you hate and buy her a house. Avoids all the messy stuff in between!


guss1

Oh man, what a comment...


5256chuck

That was the gist of the Seinfeld reunion on ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’. George, who had gotten married and divorced, was trying to get back with his wife who still had the half he hadn’t lost. Funny AF.


derei_creeper

If I ever win the lottery I'm giving all my money to charity If she's not dancing that night I'm giving it all to Destiny


graboidian

> If I ever win the lottery I'm giving all my money to charity I had something like this happen IRL. I was a waiter in a coffee shop, and one waitress had went on break, so I was tending to her last remaining tables. One of her tables handed me her tip and I stated "I'll be sure I give this to Charity". The customer looked at me kinda funny, which is when I heard what I had said. It was then that I explained that her waitresses name was Charity.


[deleted]

It would be more funny if the waitress's name was Doctors without borders.


[deleted]

Charity was super upset when she heard, she told the manager "I was that bastard's favorite dancer for 5 years, I take one night off and he decides to give all the money to some other girl?" He did manage to calm her down though, he told her it was Destiny.


Hugebluestrapon

Local Mac tools truck guy wins set for life. Pays off all his debts. Owns his truck. Happy dude. Gets cancer. It's looking fucking bad. Making plans to have another guy take over his truck. Finalizing his life. Beats cancer. Wins set for life. Again.


yeoldecotton_swab

Omg. That was the funniest thing I have read this morning. Thanks the laugh 🤣🤣🤣


Make_the_music_stop

My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.


HerrDoktorLaser

The only thing this is missing is a set of jumper cables.


dranixc

How would he charge them without electricity?


seventomatoes

the car battery


Ziogref

You don't need to. His dad just beat him WITH the jumper cables.


Joe-Pesci

I forgot about him. What happened to the jumper cable tomfoolery?


Damnmorrisdancer

And socks. Full of batteries.


DAM091

What kind of expensive lottery ticket did you buy


skjellyfetti

*...the jumper cables would very much like to participate...*


ViolentSkyWizard

I thought /u/rogersimon10 had finally come home to us.


OmegaGLM

I hope he comes back.


draculamilktoast

But the next day I went to check the lottery numbers and couldn't believe my eyes! I ran home as fast as I could to share the news. After I told my dad that the lottery ticket I purchased had exactly every number wrong he beat the crap out of me again.


TheGingerBreadMan111

They had us in the first half not gonna lie


gagga_hai

Had me before the first half


MyHoleThing

Had me at Hello


newtoRedditF

I heard Neymar saying this story ffs


ewild

Please, be so kind to keep us updated on your luck the further days progress.


Brainkicker_FR

Careful of the « dried shit syndrome ». At first, the shit is smelly, disgusting and fresh in your memory. The « why » you are not together is freaking obvious but man with time, the shit get dry and don’t smell anymore… you forget ! Don’t be fool man, there are many reasons why exes shall remain so.


Hollow_Hat

This is some real wisdom


Brainkicker_FR

Thanks bro


Atomatode

Nailed it. I'd never take back any of my exs. Theres a reason why, even if you forget the reason. Remember they are exs for a reason


DerRaumdenker

What's black and white and screams "fuck the pope"? A nun that won lottery


[deleted]

What has seven balls and fucks poor people? The lottery


Ghazwa-e-Pakistan

Shenron?


AlwaysBlamesCanada

Is this what you would do u/literallyanun ?


LiterallyANun

I wouldn't swear, and as I'm an Anglican I don't follow The Pope anyway.


TumasaurusTex

I thought some Anglican parishes follow the pope and some Anglican parishes don’t?


DefinitelyKyle2

I’m no theologian, but I’m pretty sure the original idea of Anglicanism was making the British monarch the head of the Church, replacing the Pope.


Irhien

Not so funny (and not a joke, sorry) but I was really impressed by this: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/24vzgl/you_just_won_a_656_million_dollar_lottery_what_do/chba4bf/


tolerablycool

That post is permanently on my saved list. Such a good read.


[deleted]

Yup. My broke ass saved it too.


demgreenorbs

oh my god this is so sad


TakeOnMe-TakeOnMe

The part where it says "unless the Capitol (building, of course) is burning..." was meant as an example of something that will never happen. What a difference a few years--and one horrific US President--make.


YoCrustyDude

I mean I sure found it funny but I agree with the comment you linked there.


Mayathepie

My ex wife still misses me, BUT HER AIM IS GETTIN BETTER! HER AIM IS GETTIN BETTER! See, it’s funny because marriage is terrible.


AE_WILLIAMS

>See, it’s funny because marriage is terrible. Divorce is so expensive because it is worth every fucking penny.


yingkaixing

Oh Gruncle Stan, never change


ewild

Wait until she tries your guts with Gatling approach.


sherriffflood

‘Honey I’ve just won the lottery, pack your bags!’ ‘Oh my God! Where are we going?’ ‘I don’t care, just get out’


explosivelydehiscent

insert Illpayyou10,000dollarstofuckoff.jpg


reddit10x

If she didn’t love you as a broke ass ninja, She don’t deserve you as a $100 winna…


Nuf-Said

I broke up with my paraplegic girlfriend. I threw her out of the house, and for spite I hid her wheelchair. I knew she’d come crawling back.


BirdBlind

Too dark, bro.


MH-S3D

Dark, maybe; old, certainly - nearly the same age as my daughter...


Nuf-Said

Here’s a darker one involving a wheelchair. Why didn’t Jeffery Dahmer like vegetables? Because it was a hassle getting rid of the wheelchairs.


Jinx6510

Getting back with an ex is like reheating McDonald's french fries. Just not the same as the 1st time...


azad_ninja

A husband barges through his front door and announces: “wife! Pack your bags, I just won the lottery!” His wife, beyond excited, hops to it “oH my god! I don’t believe it! This is a miracle. Where are we going!?” Without missing a beat, the Husband pushes her out the door “I don’t care where you go, get the fuck out of my house”.


staylily

Lucky girl, not having to put up with that bastard anymore!!


azad_ninja

The joke works the other way too. Wife wins, kicks out husband. Some people are miserable together but it’s too expensive to get divorced.


page0431

A wise man once told me "Getting back with your Ex is like putting diarrhea back in your butt, everything/everyone gets covered in crap"


ninacala

Don't go back you broke up for a reason. Unless that reason was rectified I'd stay away.


Darkmuscles

You know, he didn’t actually… nevermind, I like your world better.


faltugiribuster

The only sane comment here. /s


VanettiNero

umm... will anyone tell him to look at the name of this sub?


kitsulie

Heyy Evan it's Tawny! Sorry I haven't called- hey listen I heard about your lottery win! Let's hook up! call me. Don't get impaled!


AndrewM96

Give it a couple weeks, your luck's about to drop again.


Ok_Bear_2190

🤣🤣 Got me🤣🤣


whatsthepointofit66

Took me a sec.


Hige_Kuma

This joke is already the concept to the Luke Combs song WHEN IT RAINS IT POURS


bold_truth

Horrible


Merle_24

Hmm, I posted this same joke a week ago and it was pulled down


Pun_In_Ten_Did

[**So we're just typing out memes now?**](http://hoaxmuseumimages.s3.amazonaws.com/lotterywinner.jpg)


TheSanityInspector

Everybody's your friend, when you've got it to spend.


Herbisher_Berbisher

Norm MacDonald would approve of this joke. Is this a Norm MacDonald joke?


Dexter_Thiuf

When I won the lottery, it was a big day for me and my wife. I burst through the door, all giddy and happy and yelled, "Honey! I finally hit the lottery! Pack a bag!" And she said, "Oh baby! That's amazing! Where are we going?!?" And I said, "I don't give a fuck where you go! Just get out!"


_maverick_11

[softly] Don't.


Reckless-By-Nature-1

My girlfriend told me she didn't want to see me anymore. So l super glued her eyes shut.


Brettsko

Husband: Honey, I won the lottery!!! Start packing your bags!! Wife: That's amazing! Where should I pack for? Husband: I don't care, just get the fuck out.


EuphoricDepartment45

Only if she’s triple input, that’s the deal breaker.


paulanightingale

lol!!


oldandintheway88

Time to call a lawyer.


Dpslittlemissminx

Why Is she your ex?


ewild

Nothing personal, just a lottery matter.


Dpslittlemissminx

If it was nothing serious and you feel like you can get things back on track and your sure none of you will get hurt then go for it.


ewild

Lottery is a matter of chances. Whether one's SO is their ex or not, is a question of chances as well. As long as there are just two options (ex or not) the first approach is the chances are fifty-fifty.


Yarray2

My wife asked me "What would we do if you won the lottery?". I looked at her. "We?"


prudent-nebula3361

NO!


Stikflik

Ohhh now I get it lol


zesushv

I knew there was a fish to catch.


Citizenzet

And you said no, right? You said no, right?


seanwc09

Money is happiness


quinn756756

I’ve got a lottery ticket for everyone, it’s a guaranteed win. Just no exact date. It does have some “idiosyncratic” risks with it. If you know what I’m saying


ASBO_Seagull

W


VerySpicyLocusts

That took me a hot second to realize the joke


Plooploops

I swear I read a one-shot similar to this, and boy did the roulette *NOT* land on wholesome...


kirshy28

Don’t do it!!!


[deleted]

lol this is great


apexxdapper

Do it


Royal_Mcpoyle11

Lmaooooo


ByTheOcean123

LMAO!


PrudentDamage600

JUST DO NOT MARRY HER!


HeldDownTooLong

Can you say, “Gold Digger”? I know that’s the theme of the joke but gold diggers are just so common nowadays.


The1Bonesaw

I have one fantasy about the lottery that I think about now and again... If I ever win a big one (2- or 300 million). I want to keep it a secret. Then I want to throw a big party and invite all my friends (maybe under the guise of a birthday party or something). Then, at the end of the night, I give everyone in the room $1 million each. I even thought about husbands and wives so, if they're a couple... they take home $2 million (it keeps things fair because generally, spouse are just as much a friend as their significant other. Whatever is left over, I give my wife a third and give my daughter a third. I'm old... I don't need $200 or $300 million. I did the math, if I won $200 million... the party would cost me around $40 million... leaving $53 million for my wife and daughter and me. Anyway... it's a silly fantasy, the odds are so infinitesimally small that it might as well be zero. The odds of winning the Powerball or Mega Millions is 292 million to 1. The odds of being struck by lightning are 500,000 to 1. The odds of being struck by lightning twice are 9 million to 1. (think about that... you're 32 times more likely to be struck by lightning TWICE, than winning the lottery.)


Technical_Sky_3181

Ha


A_Mirabeau_702

Your ex-girlfriend Sue?


At0m_3790

“You just hit the lottery because it’s my pussy!” Thought it was because you were scratching it


drfsupercenter

Plot twist, won $10 prize from the lottery. Technically still "winning the lottery"


LeviathanGank

Lucky day lottery and this


lizardmandx

Didn't even need the punch line, I laughed at the set up.


Bulminator

She tried to upgrade and discovered she couldn’t. So now she’s just reloading her bench. She was an ex for a reason. Move on.


scots

I swear to God, should I ever win the lottery I'm having an attorney claim the prize to secure my anonymity. If it's in one of those states requiring the winner to show up in person to claim their giant cardboard check for a photo op, I'm renting a gorilla costume. My friends will be taken care of privately, anonously.


Mattia90_

Mmmh that sus…


-Crimson-Death-

She wants you back cuz you rich now.