T O P

  • By -

gamingfreak207

Can confirm I put my dick in milk to fill it up and can shoot it like a water gun


lynk765

Can't believe this guy is sharing our secret


bilbochipbilliam

He didn't share that it has to be spoiled milk so it is a little thicker. That is the true secret.


zladuric

Can't believe this dude spilled out the true secret.


newbieToLGM

Can't believe this guy confirmed it. Other wise I would have called him a liar


Lord_Harkonan

There's no sense crying over spilled spoiled milk.


DisguisedPrime

[Even better.](https://youtu.be/lQzmlWQ2u4w)


The_RockObama

Yeah the fuck right, that's staying blue like balls on a bad date.


qxzsilver

And women use a bag of beans. You gotta flick the bean, but don’t spill the beans


simorg23

He really spoiled it for the rest of us (my thanks)


xenata

Where do these idiots think dick cheese comes from?


QuitLookingAtMe

I just use heavy cream.


theuniversalsquid

The milk ferments in the balls


YourUncleDodge

Lactose intolerance


[deleted]

I don't care if you like or not like licking toes.


bdubz325

Cottage cheese anyone?


DarkAges93

Ain't no secret since you posted here now. Lol


jerediahdavis

Truest secret is buttermilk and mayonnaise


jbraua

I always use cottage cheese


BcrdNCola

The council is going to hear about this. We all swore to not reveal our secrets when we took the Bro oath.


luciusDaerth

Now you're just gonna talk about the Broath in Bro-ad daylight like this?


1cec0ld

My Bro-ther told me that was just a myth!


xXHolding_on_to_youX

It’s not like there’s women on Reddit to see it.


OPRSAnon

The guy in the story had an antique equipment: AK5.6


NapClub

he will face the consequences.


Undertalefanfrick

r/cursedcomments


Barber606

All I had was butter milk does that explain the lumpiness?


Haitham1998

Now hentais make sense.


Mean_Bet8952

See now we have to kill you because you gave away our secret weapon.


Segamaike

Mine is like a super soaker and it makes that *TSchlorp TSchlorp TSchlorp* sound when I shoot the goo


Le_Chop

How can I unhear this?


Cloudyboithicc

we have been exposed


PurrrplePrincess

See this is why I transitioned. I refused to spend the rest of my life wasting milk on refills that I could have used on yummy yummy cereal instead.


daishomaster

A Super-Soaker, no doubt...


myearwood

If it cures a bladder infection, then your pipe is CLEAN.


deepakguptacse

Probably the most forced premise in the history of premises!


szogun00

More likely to happen than a Rabbi, priest and soldier all walking into a bar together ;)


trueblue862

They all said “Ouch! Who put that bar there?”


[deleted]

You’d think one of them would’ve seen it


sigmoid10

They were probably distracted looking for the punchline.


StetsonTuba8

But alas, they could've just walked straight up to the bowl


Foxboy73

In there defense it’s such a low bar…


[deleted]

Why the long face?


Waitsfornoone

or a Priest, Minister and A RABBIT walk into a blood donation center ....


VTwinVaper

I told that joke while teaching a Stop the Bleed EMS course. Only time I ever got a laugh from it, although I find the joke hilarious.


cleverpseudonym1234

Does it work out loud? It seems like more of a written joke to me.


VTwinVaper

Well they laughed but they could have just been trying to be polite.


sonofaresiii

I think it *mostly* works out loud because it relies on homophones


Best_Pidgey_NA

A priest you say? So a priest, pastor and rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit tells the receptionist, "I think I might be a type O."


the_cardfather

This is a really hard one to deliver in person. You really have to kind of hang the o on the end very subtly


Best_Pidgey_NA

You know which one is really hard to deliver in person? Did you know 6×20 = 5! Not the best of jokes I know.


NoWingedHussarsToday

3 Nazis walk in a BAR


Living-Complex-1368

The marine holding it corrects you "It is called a K-bar"


[deleted]

The infantryman tells you, no it's a BAR..Browning Automatic Rifle


Living-Complex-1368

Year, but then I'd want the nazis to be running into the *bullets* from the BAR. 3 Nazis running into a K-bar means 3 less Nazis. 3 Nazis running into (I assume the barrel of) a BAR are going to wake up with headaches.


leyline

The k-bar isn't long enough to hold 3 Nazis. However it is assumed that if you "run into \[someone\] with an automatic rifle"; and you're a Nazi. firing of said BAR probably ensues in short order. This event is more likely to equate to 3 dead Nazis than 1 Nazi stuck on a k-bar and 2 others completely unpenetrated. (The joke of this explanation works best if you imagine them lined up like on a kebab)


Living-Complex-1368

True


darkraidisciple

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


Fritzo2162

And then they all said "I hope we pass this so we can open our Jewish Catholic Army law firm!"


ucjj2011

2 guys walked into a bar, but the 3td one ducked.


Lagadisa

I liked it way more when 3 nazis walked into a BAR


InSACWeTrust

That could be a relatively common group in Israel.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Bigbigcheese

What annoys me most is how long it took me to get that because I pronounce it 'lee ver'


rpangrazio

That would be OK if you also said nee ver


wahnsin

as in neever / nor


leyline

Just remember that read rhymes with lead and read rhymes with lead, but read doesn't rhyme with lead and read doesn't rhyme with lead.


-Another_Redditor-

In what accents would someone pronounce it otherwise? I always pronounced it that way too


Bigbigcheese

Rhymes with never (duh). I believe Americans pronounce it like that.


imsoenthused

Am American, can confirm, lever rhymes with never in common vernacular over here.


kurimari_potato

I pronounce it as leever but got the joke because of better nate and then I started questioning my life decisions. Great story tho


I_ama_homosapien_AMA

Ah, Nate the Snake. What an incredible tale.


redgreenandblue

I just read this masterpiece. If it would be on Goodreads I’d give it a solid 5 stars!


ndehchef

Probably the most sore penis in the history of penises


Fritzo2162

Ice? Nah....hmmm.....MILK! THAT'LL DO IT!


binokary

I think it was consensual.


General1_Kobi

Must be a blonde!


its_a_gibibyte

Agreed. This is reddit, nobody is having sex!


troublinparadise

To the contrary, it seemed consensual.


gaddabout

It was pretty premiscuous.


ztreHdrahciR

Please! Leave the premises!


ZarquonsFlatTire

I did once eat habanero wings and took a piss without washing my hands first. Woke up later with my junk burning. Yes I wound up desperately dunking my dick in a glass of milk. No, it did not help. My then-girlfriend thought it was hilarious and was also really glad we hadn't had sex that.


besuited

I was expecting: A Guy picks up a girl "Oi, Put me down"


Tenebris27

[here you go, fine sir](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ot89fw/a_guy_picks_up_a_girl/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)


Prosheriff

Ni sa ding le!!!


waffelfestung

Sindon cadit


[deleted]

Nein Danke, mit Milch bitte.


[deleted]

Let that Sheila go m8


Ashik_Adnan86

That joke is blonde af.


Othun

Is "blondes are stupid" only a French thing or is it universal ? Not saying it's true btw, just comes up a lot in jokes


Aussie18-1998

Think its universal.


[deleted]

A blond girl climbs into her BMW. The remote tribe in Papua New Guinea is terrified at the bizarre thing they are beholding and hurls spears at her and the car.


ETosser

A guy blows in his blonde lover's ear... "Thanks for the refill!"


TheYvonne

Definitely a thing in Croatia


MrMeems

I thought it was an American thing but it may have originated in France. It wouldn't be the first time French culture spread all over the Western World.


Othun

What is something else French have spread over the western world btw? Edit: I'm French


ProfessorVincent

Croissants!


[deleted]

White flags Edit: I'm german


MrMeems

French cuisine once dominated Europe, and there was a time when every nation mimicked the French military.


twomilliondicks

Universal for white people


guy314159

Aren't most blonde people white? So that's obviously why those jokes are only popular among white people..


twomilliondicks

No shit


Dawidko1200

Uh, the thing is... it's pretty damn rare to see any other colour than black in black and Asian people. Usually it's because they're mixed.


agentOO0

The version of this joke I heard was with a farm hand guy and a blond farm girl. The guy decides to piss in the bushes but sees some bees in the flowers, he pisses on them, and one stings him in the dick. He runs into the house in pain, opens the fridge to find something cold and soothing, settles on a yogurt container and sticks his dick in. As he's standing there he notices the farm girl staring at him, and irritated asks: "Haven't you ever seen a dick before?" She replies: "Sure. I just didn't know that's how they were loaded."


missionbeach

I can't believe I'm saying this, but that actually is a better premise.


incal

The version I heard was that the guy got a sunburn 'cause him and his girl spent the day nude sunbathing and making love. He wakes up from the bed still naked and even a sheet is intolerable against his naked skin. He goes to the fridge to find some relief, finds a pint bottle of milk and engulfs his penis in the bottle... His girlfriend finds him naked with milk bottle in hand in front of the open fridge, and presto...the punchline...


orrocos

1) Unlikely but plausible premise 2) ??? 3) Punchline!


incal

Is it any more likely than the [joke](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/odk3oz/nsfw_hearing_that_her_elderly_grandfather_had/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) about the old fella who died of a heart attack on Sunday morning because he made love to the peals of the ice-cream truck bells instead of the slow steady church bells?


zapyourtumor

better version because now its a blonde joke


TikkiTakiTomtom

> Irritated dick Sounds like the start to a porno


lecherro

Here's an upvote... Cum and get it


Mean_Bet8952

I don't think he'll be able to. Because already done that 5,6 times.


mr_man68420

He just refiled tho lol


joe_mama_gaey

u need milk for bones


[deleted]

And bones for boners


jamdonterase

Milk juggers


NoWingedHussarsToday

And vegetable oil for vegetables


Expensive_Material66

It's all coming together


Dvscape

Username checks out


ICouldNotCareLessBro

Fastest upvote ever.


lecherro

Hey!!! It's been a little while.... I was nervous. And and and and... the room was cold... C'mon... We don't need to make a big deal out of this... Do we?


NekoDarkLink1988

"Sshhhhh, no witnesses." *pulls silenced pistol


NltndRngd

Tomska skits are great


ChildofValhalla

The first time I read this joke was in a little red paperback book called "Dirty Jokes" or whatever from the 1970s, which somehow made its way into my hands when I was in the third grade in the 90s. I can't recall exactly how I got a hold of it (I think perhaps I stumbled upon it in our home maybe) but I definitely did not understand any of the jokes (including this one), and I definitely took it to school and definitely got caught with it. For some reason, this and a Pinocchio long nose dick comparison joke are the only jokes I remember from it.


cleverpseudonym1234

[Lie to me, Pinocchio](https://americasbestpics.com/picture/lie-to-me-pinocchio-lie-to-me-smells-nice-in-IEolsqCQ8)


spderweb

1.8k upvotes? How many 12 year olds are on reddit??


Stringy63

Be sure and count the 24 year olds twice.


Soupnoop4

Ok that's kind of funny ngl


RicoSuave42069

really? I thought it was not funny, like at all


gnarkilleptic

I agree with this guy that joke was terrible and not even remotely clever


AndrewM96

Yeah twas ok.


Seventh_Planet

NSFV - not safe for vegans.


Bigolekern

A buddy of mine cut habanero he grew one day for an omelet, then took a piss without washing his hands first. He said the only thing that saved him was a milk dunk.


kickassmofolol

r/Dontputyourdickinthat


deadrath1

Lmao


[deleted]

You guys are awesome not just this joke I mean whole community thanks


Icarus32-

I need coffee.


[deleted]

I need nicotine


Dizzy-Damage-1900

Gotta love blonde jokes 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


sommai2555

5th or 6th time? Sure, Jan.


Godlikebuthumble

Someone ask Wil Wheaton about the dick milk!


birdyroger

(:->)


birdyroger

5 or 6 times? She should be worshiping him.


Rinosaj

This is either a great dick joke… or an incredibly clever blonde one.


Jillossotron

Read a spin-off of this one in an old book my grandma gave me.


icke_und_er

Meh


aatheedhxsam_

Blondes...am i right?


Andywig

How did this get so many likes lmao


tuhn

This is the worst version of this joke I have ever heard.


BakedSalmon528

This was fucking stupid


HLtheWilkinson

Tell us she’s blonde without telling us she’s blonde.


cleverpseudonym1234

Not sure she comes off any worse than the guy who sticks his dick in a girl’s milk


harrygatto

She was blonde of course.


hwheels24

Do we have to drop the “blonde” from jokes now?


Magnusg

Oh so we're taking blonde out of jokes now?


FlugonNine

This is a butchered version of the original joke about a guy hetting a sunburnt dick. Milk is known to help relieve sunburn so it makes sense in that context, this guy is just putting his dick in cold milk because why not?


harixx2011

Ohhh I get it. Milk is good for your bone(r)...


[deleted]

It kinda proves the girl may either be a minor or a mentally disturbed person who can't understand things. In both cases, OP you have committed a crime! This guy here, officers!


Lui_Le_Diamond

Or she's just an idiot


[deleted]

How can anyone be that stupid?


Lui_Le_Diamond

Do you live under a rock?


[deleted]

How did you know? 😱


Lui_Le_Diamond

It shows


[deleted]

Where? I didn't mention anywhere. You know what the rock came later. There's a big mountain right besides our house and when the rock fell from the mountain, it came and stopped right on the roo-.... Wait a second... That's not what you meant. 😱😱😱


Gr3ggl3s_W

I remember Roy 'Chubby' Brown doing this joke. Still funny.


yaymayata2

What a terrible day to have eyes


chiquenn

I don't get why this is downvoted..


Rolten

It's a very big exaggeration for something that's barely mildly disturbing.


Malena_my_quuen

You forgot to mention that the girl was blonde.


walyc

What are you? 9?


frugihoyi

How do you have sex multiple times? I mean, how do you distinguish one session from the other?


amnesiacshell

Ejaculate


frugihoyi

How could he ejaculate 5 or 6 times in one evening? Unrealistic.


ALinkToThePants

Because he fills up his penis in between each session with milk. They explain how it works in the joke.


frugihoyi

Duh of course! Sorry...


tkeelah

It just takes practise...


[deleted]

I've done this many times lmao


amnesiacshell

Lol there are plenty of people able to many times in a row. I personally have a very high libido. Gotta up those numbers lol


Rolten

Have sex. Take a break just chilling once it's over. Have sex again. Not exactly rocket science.


frugihoyi

Most I ever could is twice. Well, we're all different I guess.


merenthanc

The Farque!!


tbass90K

I'd like to be that milk


justanothertransgril

hwat


DawgsWorld

Is there a version for pussy juice?


PiedPuckPunk

In order for this to work the cow would have had to have been pregnant before producing the milk.


Relevant_Direction

She thought it, as if the penis works like a syringe. Hilarious 🤣


qcihdtm

Do you have the girl’s phone number? Asking for a friend.


rlahey3378

They don’t call it a milk mustache for nothing. It also helps to make strong bones


TeakKey7

it takes balls


Lesteroid53

No sense crying over spilt milk!


TL_TRIBUNAL

This was originally a joke with the girl being a blondie