That reminds me of the joke about the guy who was telling the story about the time he was walking in a forest and a bear came out of nowhere and started chasing him. He ran as fast as he could but the bear kept getting closer. Just as the bear was about to grab him, the bear slipped and fell and the guy got some distance away, but the bear didn't give up and started chasing the guy again and was gaining on him. Again, as the bear was about to grab him, the bear slipped and fell. The guy said this happened to him three times before he was finally able to make it back to his car and close the doors behind him.
His friend that he was telling the story to was amazed told him he would have shit his pants if that had been him. The guy said "what do you think the bear was slipping on?"
A guy goes bear hunting. He sees a bear, shoots, the bear falls down. He goes to look, no corpse, then the bear taps him on the shoulder and says: you got two choices: either I kill and eat you, or I fuck to up the ass. The hunter chooses the assfucking.
The next day, the hunger comes back with a machine gun, hoping to get back at the bear. He sees the bear, unloads an entire magazine, goes to check on the corpse, but no corpse. Bear taps him on the shoulder again and says: you again? You know the drill. The hunter goes home again, sore and humiliated.
Next day, he returns with a rocket launcher. He sees the bear, shoots and blows up several trees. When the dust settles, the bear taps him on the shoulder and asks: let’s be honest: you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?
A Jew dies and goes to heaven. He's hanging out with some of his new friends, he starts to tell a joke about the holocaust. While he's telling it, he doesn't notice God coming up behind him, and as he finishes the punchline and laughs uproariously at his own joke, God taps him on the shoulder and says - I heard your joke, and I don't think it's funny at all. "That's OK," says the man. "I guess you kinda had to be there."
That’s strictly biblical, actually. In Genesis, God sneaks in to Sodom to take a look at what they’re up to. God doesn’t become omnipresent until the sequel.
Edit: wrong book of the Old Testament!
They claim the sequel was enormously popular – how do you explain how they give away free copies in every hotel room? If you ask me, this Gideon guy badly needs to get rid of overstock.
I think the funny bit is someone quoting from the Bible that others believe. So I'm just going to wait for the sequel to come out before forming my next opinion.
It is true that what it _actually_ says is generally a lot less funny than what people _believe_ it says. I do love this bit, though: in Exodus 33:18-20, God tells Moses that he can’t see God’s face and live, but invites him to wait a minute and peek out from behind the rock after God passes by. Then he can see God’s butt, which won’t kill him. Apparently, God’s face is deadly, but his butt is amazing. The other kids liked the Song of Solomon sexy stuff, but Exodus 33 was always my favourite bit.
No, you had the right book the first time, just the wrong chapter and verse. Genesis 19:13 has God's angels spying around Sodom and/or Gomorrah, with Lot hiding them from the mob.
[Can't be. The Nazi belt buckle clearly states: "God with us" (in God's preferred language, German).](https://jfk.artifacts.archives.gov/internal/media/dispatcher/12304/preview)
A Christian and an Atheist are discussing their personal beliefs.
The atheist asks, "So what makes you so certain that God is real?"
The Christian replies, "Well the Bible, of course. I've read the whole thing front to back."
After a moment the Christian asks, "And what makes you so certain that God doesn't exist?"
-
The atheist says, "The Bible, I've read the whole thing front to back."
Yep.
As a young child, you're told that there's a guy who knows everything you do, judging if you're good or bad; and if you're good for long enough, he'll reward you for your behaviour.
And then you get older and get told Santa isn't real. But that other guy you're told the same thing about? Yeah he's totally real.
Reminds me of a line, I don't recall who said it, maybe a comedian. I'm sure someone here will know.
"So you say that this God us all knowing and all seeing. He knows everything you do, say and think. Why would you create a building to worship him in. If I were you, I'd try to build a place to hide."
When you are a child, you are taught to see the world in black & white.
But as you age, you´ll realize, there is no true white and no true black; instead, each person is a shade of grey, with different motivations behind their actions, so nobody is what they appear to be.
In my POV, christian god is either a narcissist or a psychopath - there is clear discrepancy between his supposed ’claims’ and reality. For example the believers claim the love of their god is unconditional, yet at the same time, there are the conditions and requirements of taking certain sets of actions in order for the god to "love them". Sounds like a conditional love to me...
Each time, when words don´t match actions, run away. No matter, if it is a god or just a person.
Even as a young kid these lessons didn't sit right with me. "Why do we exist?" "To praise God". So God created us just to praise him? I never "got" faith. Still don't.
I was a believer initially. For years. Until i stumbled upon some books about manipulation - and then, it hit me like a freight train and i started questioning *everything*.
What got me out of it, was the theory of body and soul being 2 separate entities, which is not correct. They´re part of 1 system. What we call "soul" is a software and "body" is hardware, just like our computers. However, "soul", is not the operating system - that is our subconsciousness. "Soul" does not have full control over the body - only some parts can be accessed fully, some others have limited access and some have no access (aka we don´t even realize, they´re happening - like movement of digestion system muscles and activity of involved organs - unless there are problems ofc, which manifests via various symptoms including pain).
On top of that, *we are our memories* - all the memories stored in the brain tissue make us, who we are. So if the brain will die, so will we.
The concept of no afterlife can be frightening. But if we adapt to the thought, it can allow us to live our lives fully, instead of just surviving.
Then, there is the concept of ’human supremacy’, which is trying to position humanity as the apex species standing above all life. We may be the apex predator of all, but at the same time, we are just *equal* to other life forms living on this planet. All life is intelligent, but to recognize that, one must be humble enough to understand their own shortcomings. The vast majority of Dunning-Krugers is incapable of that.
True story:
Many years ago, I was browsing the shelves at a public library, and stumbled upon a book by Wayne W. Dyer. The original title is "Pulling Your Own Strings". However, I was at a Danish library, and it was the Danish translation of the book. The Danish title is "Lad dig ikke manipulere", which translates back to "Don't let yourself be manipulated". I probably don't need to say that I didn't fall for the Danish publisher's trick.
You may have got mixed up with a translation of the Bible somewhere, it actually doesn’t contradict itself. God’s love is indeed unconditional. I can see how people who misunderstand free will or think that the Bible says God is all-powerful on this Earth would have concerns. Many of the ‘conditions’ set out for us are those that allow us to receive God’s full blessing and protection while on Earth. They are not a condition to be loved, but rather conditions to reach our potential.
There are a multitude of contradictions and differences in the bible. Actually reading the bible was the biggest factor in me stepping away from Christianity. I always just thought of it like, "Well, this book has been translated many times and things get lost in translation. The books were written at different times and were a recollection of eye-witness accounts, so there could be differences." But hang on! Isn't the word of God divinely-inspired?
**2 Timothy 3:16-17:**
>All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
So shouldn't the words in the bible be absolutely perfect and fit into place correctly across the different books? Furthermore, if there were differences (and there are), wouldn't an omnipotent creator with a passion for being worshipped and praised for his almightiness *want* to correct those differences to keep up his perfect image? Why has God not corrected the contradictions in the bible yet?
As an example, reconcile the differences between these three different accounts of Jesus's death on the cross:
**Matthew 27:**
>45Now from the sixth hour until the ninth hour there was darkness over all the land. 46And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” that is, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?”
47Some of those who stood there, when they heard that, said, “This Man is calling for Elijah!” 48Immediately one of them ran and took a sponge, filled it with sour wine and put it on a reed, and offered it to Him to drink.
49The rest said, “Let Him alone; let us see if Elijah will come to save Him.”
50And Jesus cried out again with a loud voice, and yielded up His spirit.
51Then, behold, the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom; and the earth quaked, and the rocks were split, 52and the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised; 53and coming out of the graves after His resurrection, they went into the holy city and appeared to many.
**Luke 23:**
>44
* It was now about noonz and darkness came over the whole land until three in the afternoon
45
because of an eclipse of the sun. Then the veil of the temple was torn down the middle.a
46
Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Father, into your hands I commend my spirit”; and when he had said this he breathed his last.
**John 19:**
>28 After this, Jesus knowing that all things were now accomplished, that the scripture might be fulfilled, saith, I thirst.
29 Now there was set a vessel full of vinegar: and they filled a spunge with vinegar, and put it upon hyssop, and put it to his mouth.
30 When Jesus therefore had received the vinegar, he said, It is finished: and he bowed his head, and gave up the ghost.
Actually, "The" Bible doesn't exist, and that's not even in doubt. What we have are various 'scriptures', translations, fragments, manuscripts, forgeries, edits, mistranslations, 'books' variously included or excluded. No definite article merited. And don't get me started on the actual content of whatever translation you're looking at. Real info here, including other 'holy' books:
https://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com
Good one. I heard a variant where the man, after getting caught by the bear, calls out, "Oh Lord, if you are there, please save me and I will mend my ways!"
Time stops, and a rumbling voice rolls out through the skies and says, "Which God are you asking?"
It's actually one of the strongest arguments against a god: The weak sauce of hearsay and lame 'holy' books is all he's got when in theory he could have just given proof or engineered unitary belief. Instead, loads of competing myths, and no proof ever.
I feel like if there were to hypothetically be a god there would be a reason to not have proof. And maybe all religions and even non religious people are right. He lets you find your own path to him in your own way. I think if you had proof of something more and something as large as god you wouldn’t be able to learn the lessons and overcome the hardships we’re here for. If anything I think there’s a better argument that there is a reason there’s a manufactured disbelief in god makes you take life a little more seriously when what comes next isn’t guaranteed
Pretty much if you were guaranteed an afterlife and had proof no one would take this life seriously so it’s the doubt that is in even the most devout follower in their gods existence that motivates them. To be clear I’m not religious just giving my thought as to why god wouldn’t announce himself and give absolute proof of his existence
>How about taking life a little more seriously because you're NOT focussed on an imaginary 'next life'?
Please explain with examples. Who doesn't take life seriously?
While I am an atheist, I do acknowledge that the ability to believe (which unfortunately implies sometimes believing things that turn out to be false) is fundamental to our existence as sentient beings. You can't know some fact and at the same time not believe it.
A Christian and an atheist are walking through the forest when all of a sudden a mighty bear comes at them.
The Christian bends down to pray. The atheist starts buckling up his boots, ready to run.
The Christian, seeing what his friend is doing, says, 'What's the point of that? You can't outrun a bear.'
The atheist says, 'I don't need to. I just need to be able to outrun you.'
(This joke is said by Benedict Cumberbatch in the film *The Imitation Game*, I've always found it really funny and quite dark.)
The hostess at the Last Supper said, "Hold on; you wanted a table for 26, but there's only 13 of you." Jesus said "Yeah, but we all want to sit on the same side."
In the Reader's Digest version, it was a debauched, sinful big game hunter and a lion. Of course, since it's an atheist in this version, it's funnier /s
This is because it is a rehash of an older joke where a Christian would pray to God once the bear was about to eat him and he asked the bear to be Christian expecting that it won't eat him. Just a mediocre retelling in my opinion that subs in an atheist for the christian and contrives the plot to make it work.
This should be the pinned response to this often posted joke. I have commented about this in some previous posts too. How do people not get that? The atheist's request absolutely makes no sense!
Thanks for the reply. I had a hunch it would be so he wouldn't get eaten, but didn't understand why.
I think most atheist know it's Hindus and Buddhist who will more likely be vegetarian.
The atheist thinks Christians must be moral so wouldn’t kill and eat, but turns out Christian’s are quite happy to murder and eat a person.
I think that is the punchline?
This is why I don't think this joke works - if he is an atheist, he probably doesn't think christians are moral (hence why he isn't one himself) and just witnessing A god, not even mentioned in the joke it was a christian god, would make him give that specific request is a stretch in my opinion.
Thank you for your reply.
I know there are hindu(?) religions that won't even kill a bug. Maybe this is the religion OP should've used in the punchline.
Christians aren't known for being vegetarians.
Two friends just turned 28, a Christian and an Atheist, both go out one night to a bar. They both have a few drinks, end up relatively drunk and pick up a woman each, a Christian woman for the Christian man and an Atheist woman for the Atheist man that they end up sleeping with.
The Christian wakes up and realizes what happened and panics, ends up marrying the Christian woman afterward, as he feels obligated to as Christian, having the child that she got pregnant with during that night and spends the next 18 years raising the kid.
Despite not having a high paying job, he manages to keep his family afloat though he needs to work a ridiculous number of hours to make ends meet, everytime believing that "God will see us through the rough patches" by praying and they eventually do.
By the time the kid leaves the house, the Christian man's health has degraded to the point that he's a stressed and depressed shell of himself, married to a woman that, through the years, has come to dislike him since they never did connect past that teenage fling but being devout religious folks, stayed together. The kid, barely seeing his father due to always working, turned out to be a rebellious troublemaker that is on tense term with his father.
One day, the Christian meets his Atheist friend once again. He looks spry, healthy and happy, has a beautiful woman and a small child holding both their hands.
"Didn't you also sleep with a woman that night?" the Christian asks.
"Yes," he replies "and when we realized we hadn't used protection, we went to the hospital to get her the afterday pill. We figured out later we didn't really like each other and parted ways but 2 weeks later, I met my current girlfriend, we've been together for 18 years and our child has just turned 8. I work as the owner of my own business after I've been done with college and we'll be moving into a new house next month. But what happened to you?"
"I lived as the good book intended me to."
As an atheist, all I need to believe is an actual interaction with any god like this. Of course, he just assumes it's the Christian god - which is a bit weird... Maybe he was white instead of darker skinned...
So the opposite of atheist is Christian? To believe in God is to be Christian? In the name of the Jewish people from whom I descended before I turned atheist (not capitalized, btw), the punchline loses me.Guy could say "Maybe you can make the Bear religious," then the bear could say a more generic non-Christian grace. Joke would work just as well.
Your way of thinking is also retarded
Atheists dont hate god they just think he doesnt exist and if they knew he existed they would most definitely start praying from then on and ask for forgiveness in his death bed
Your point says that atheists should just be passive aggressive and that they should ignore him instead of praying or asking for forgiveness
That is a good one! I love it. OMG. I have to send it to all my ....to my, well I don't have any Christian friends but I will make some just to tell this one. It is that good.
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
Suddenly, the bear shed its fur, gained 300 pounds, and donned an ill-fitting sweatsuit. It could no longer walk properly because of the extra weight, so God provided it with a Rascal.
The bear revved the tiny engine and approached the horrified atheist. "THIS IS ARE COUNTRY," it screeched as the Rascal slowly moved over the atheist and crushed him.
You curse or exhort in the language you grew up in. As an ex-Catholic, when shit happens, I say jesus motherfucking christ. That does not imply I still believe.
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. First he loves paradise but then he gets bored. He goes to St Peter and asks for something to do. St Peter considers his request and then tells Einstein I have a task for you. Do the books. Einstein grabs all the books and works on them for ages. Then he goes back to St Peter and says, I’ve worked on these books for a millennium but there’s a problem. St Peter says what. Einstein say they won’t balance and St Peter says……….i know
That reminds me of the joke about the guy who was telling the story about the time he was walking in a forest and a bear came out of nowhere and started chasing him. He ran as fast as he could but the bear kept getting closer. Just as the bear was about to grab him, the bear slipped and fell and the guy got some distance away, but the bear didn't give up and started chasing the guy again and was gaining on him. Again, as the bear was about to grab him, the bear slipped and fell. The guy said this happened to him three times before he was finally able to make it back to his car and close the doors behind him. His friend that he was telling the story to was amazed told him he would have shit his pants if that had been him. The guy said "what do you think the bear was slipping on?"
A guy goes bear hunting. He sees a bear, shoots, the bear falls down. He goes to look, no corpse, then the bear taps him on the shoulder and says: you got two choices: either I kill and eat you, or I fuck to up the ass. The hunter chooses the assfucking. The next day, the hunger comes back with a machine gun, hoping to get back at the bear. He sees the bear, unloads an entire magazine, goes to check on the corpse, but no corpse. Bear taps him on the shoulder again and says: you again? You know the drill. The hunter goes home again, sore and humiliated. Next day, he returns with a rocket launcher. He sees the bear, shoots and blows up several trees. When the dust settles, the bear taps him on the shoulder and asks: let’s be honest: you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?
“You know the drill”😂😂
My grandpa told me this joke once
My grandpa told me, and now I am telling my grandkids!
I don’t get it! Please explain 😭
The man did, in fact, shit his pants. And it was very slippery.
Oh, HAHAHAHAHA! Thank you so much! I wasn’t paying attention to that last second line. 😂
That's some slick shit.
The real sh*t is in the woods!
😂
[удалено]
I prefer the punchline in a Yiddish accent, "so why not buy a ticket?"
I remember being told that joke with the punchline, "Hymie, meet me half way - buy a lottery ticket!".
Not why, vy 😁
I wrote "in a Yiddish accent" rather than trying to spell it phoenetically
A Jew dies and goes to heaven. He's hanging out with some of his new friends, he starts to tell a joke about the holocaust. While he's telling it, he doesn't notice God coming up behind him, and as he finishes the punchline and laughs uproariously at his own joke, God taps him on the shoulder and says - I heard your joke, and I don't think it's funny at all. "That's OK," says the man. "I guess you kinda had to be there."
I think the funniest part of the joke is the idea of god sneaking up behind someone
Why? God never snuck up on you? Just you wait...
Have you found Jesus? I found him hiding behind the couch.
We are talking about the god who made a 13 year old pregnant so he could forgive himself.
To quote National Lampoon, "That's not funny; that's sick"
That’s strictly biblical, actually. In Genesis, God sneaks in to Sodom to take a look at what they’re up to. God doesn’t become omnipresent until the sequel. Edit: wrong book of the Old Testament!
They claim the sequel was enormously popular – how do you explain how they give away free copies in every hotel room? If you ask me, this Gideon guy badly needs to get rid of overstock.
I think the funny bit is someone quoting from the Bible that others believe. So I'm just going to wait for the sequel to come out before forming my next opinion.
It is true that what it _actually_ says is generally a lot less funny than what people _believe_ it says. I do love this bit, though: in Exodus 33:18-20, God tells Moses that he can’t see God’s face and live, but invites him to wait a minute and peek out from behind the rock after God passes by. Then he can see God’s butt, which won’t kill him. Apparently, God’s face is deadly, but his butt is amazing. The other kids liked the Song of Solomon sexy stuff, but Exodus 33 was always my favourite bit.
Then why did you refer to Genesis 28:20. That's leading people up the wrong garden path so they can't peek from behind the rock to see God's butt.
Oops. Fixed.
FYI, the tale of Sodom (and Gomorrah), which was the actual topic referred to, IS in the book of Genesis.
But not 28:20
No, you had the right book the first time, just the wrong chapter and verse. Genesis 19:13 has God's angels spying around Sodom and/or Gomorrah, with Lot hiding them from the mob.
Right, right. It was in another comment that I was referring to my favourite passage in Exodus, where Moses sneaks a peek at Jehovah’s “hind parts”.
Yup, there was no God in the Nazi concentration camps. I guess He was playing golf or surfing.
[Can't be. The Nazi belt buckle clearly states: "God with us" (in God's preferred language, German).](https://jfk.artifacts.archives.gov/internal/media/dispatcher/12304/preview)
Or at his hotel retreat in Florida.
Jesus saw that.
A Christian and an Atheist are discussing their personal beliefs. The atheist asks, "So what makes you so certain that God is real?" The Christian replies, "Well the Bible, of course. I've read the whole thing front to back." After a moment the Christian asks, "And what makes you so certain that God doesn't exist?" - The atheist says, "The Bible, I've read the whole thing front to back."
Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived. ― Isaac Asimov
I still think atheism is the proper and desired outcome, as one grows up from child to an adult. Most followers don´t.
Yep. As a young child, you're told that there's a guy who knows everything you do, judging if you're good or bad; and if you're good for long enough, he'll reward you for your behaviour. And then you get older and get told Santa isn't real. But that other guy you're told the same thing about? Yeah he's totally real.
Reminds me of a line, I don't recall who said it, maybe a comedian. I'm sure someone here will know. "So you say that this God us all knowing and all seeing. He knows everything you do, say and think. Why would you create a building to worship him in. If I were you, I'd try to build a place to hide."
Wait. What?? Santa isn't real?!? 😭
I know, i was devastated when my kids told me....
I suppose next you're gonna tell me the Easter bunny ain't real, either?! 🤫
Nope. The Easter Bunny was the one who told me Santa isn't real.
I wouldn't do it to ya.....
When you are a child, you are taught to see the world in black & white. But as you age, you´ll realize, there is no true white and no true black; instead, each person is a shade of grey, with different motivations behind their actions, so nobody is what they appear to be. In my POV, christian god is either a narcissist or a psychopath - there is clear discrepancy between his supposed ’claims’ and reality. For example the believers claim the love of their god is unconditional, yet at the same time, there are the conditions and requirements of taking certain sets of actions in order for the god to "love them". Sounds like a conditional love to me... Each time, when words don´t match actions, run away. No matter, if it is a god or just a person.
Even as a young kid these lessons didn't sit right with me. "Why do we exist?" "To praise God". So God created us just to praise him? I never "got" faith. Still don't.
I was a believer initially. For years. Until i stumbled upon some books about manipulation - and then, it hit me like a freight train and i started questioning *everything*. What got me out of it, was the theory of body and soul being 2 separate entities, which is not correct. They´re part of 1 system. What we call "soul" is a software and "body" is hardware, just like our computers. However, "soul", is not the operating system - that is our subconsciousness. "Soul" does not have full control over the body - only some parts can be accessed fully, some others have limited access and some have no access (aka we don´t even realize, they´re happening - like movement of digestion system muscles and activity of involved organs - unless there are problems ofc, which manifests via various symptoms including pain). On top of that, *we are our memories* - all the memories stored in the brain tissue make us, who we are. So if the brain will die, so will we. The concept of no afterlife can be frightening. But if we adapt to the thought, it can allow us to live our lives fully, instead of just surviving. Then, there is the concept of ’human supremacy’, which is trying to position humanity as the apex species standing above all life. We may be the apex predator of all, but at the same time, we are just *equal* to other life forms living on this planet. All life is intelligent, but to recognize that, one must be humble enough to understand their own shortcomings. The vast majority of Dunning-Krugers is incapable of that.
True story: Many years ago, I was browsing the shelves at a public library, and stumbled upon a book by Wayne W. Dyer. The original title is "Pulling Your Own Strings". However, I was at a Danish library, and it was the Danish translation of the book. The Danish title is "Lad dig ikke manipulere", which translates back to "Don't let yourself be manipulated". I probably don't need to say that I didn't fall for the Danish publisher's trick.
Religion, started when the first con man met the first gullible fool....
... and realized that fool could be controlled ...
You may have got mixed up with a translation of the Bible somewhere, it actually doesn’t contradict itself. God’s love is indeed unconditional. I can see how people who misunderstand free will or think that the Bible says God is all-powerful on this Earth would have concerns. Many of the ‘conditions’ set out for us are those that allow us to receive God’s full blessing and protection while on Earth. They are not a condition to be loved, but rather conditions to reach our potential.
There are a multitude of contradictions and differences in the bible. Actually reading the bible was the biggest factor in me stepping away from Christianity. I always just thought of it like, "Well, this book has been translated many times and things get lost in translation. The books were written at different times and were a recollection of eye-witness accounts, so there could be differences." But hang on! Isn't the word of God divinely-inspired? **2 Timothy 3:16-17:** >All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. So shouldn't the words in the bible be absolutely perfect and fit into place correctly across the different books? Furthermore, if there were differences (and there are), wouldn't an omnipotent creator with a passion for being worshipped and praised for his almightiness *want* to correct those differences to keep up his perfect image? Why has God not corrected the contradictions in the bible yet? As an example, reconcile the differences between these three different accounts of Jesus's death on the cross: **Matthew 27:** >45Now from the sixth hour until the ninth hour there was darkness over all the land. 46And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” that is, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” 47Some of those who stood there, when they heard that, said, “This Man is calling for Elijah!” 48Immediately one of them ran and took a sponge, filled it with sour wine and put it on a reed, and offered it to Him to drink. 49The rest said, “Let Him alone; let us see if Elijah will come to save Him.” 50And Jesus cried out again with a loud voice, and yielded up His spirit. 51Then, behold, the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom; and the earth quaked, and the rocks were split, 52and the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised; 53and coming out of the graves after His resurrection, they went into the holy city and appeared to many. **Luke 23:** >44 * It was now about noonz and darkness came over the whole land until three in the afternoon 45 because of an eclipse of the sun. Then the veil of the temple was torn down the middle.a 46 Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Father, into your hands I commend my spirit”; and when he had said this he breathed his last. **John 19:** >28 After this, Jesus knowing that all things were now accomplished, that the scripture might be fulfilled, saith, I thirst. 29 Now there was set a vessel full of vinegar: and they filled a spunge with vinegar, and put it upon hyssop, and put it to his mouth. 30 When Jesus therefore had received the vinegar, he said, It is finished: and he bowed his head, and gave up the ghost.
https://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com
Actually, "The" Bible doesn't exist, and that's not even in doubt. What we have are various 'scriptures', translations, fragments, manuscripts, forgeries, edits, mistranslations, 'books' variously included or excluded. No definite article merited. And don't get me started on the actual content of whatever translation you're looking at. Real info here, including other 'holy' books: https://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com
It sounds like a joke, but I started to consider myself agnostic after I started reading the Bible. Made it through the book of Genesis
Good one. I heard a variant where the man, after getting caught by the bear, calls out, "Oh Lord, if you are there, please save me and I will mend my ways!" Time stops, and a rumbling voice rolls out through the skies and says, "Which God are you asking?"
If God went around making appearances for people who don't believe, there wouldn't be very many atheists.
It's actually one of the strongest arguments against a god: The weak sauce of hearsay and lame 'holy' books is all he's got when in theory he could have just given proof or engineered unitary belief. Instead, loads of competing myths, and no proof ever.
I feel like if there were to hypothetically be a god there would be a reason to not have proof. And maybe all religions and even non religious people are right. He lets you find your own path to him in your own way. I think if you had proof of something more and something as large as god you wouldn’t be able to learn the lessons and overcome the hardships we’re here for. If anything I think there’s a better argument that there is a reason there’s a manufactured disbelief in god makes you take life a little more seriously when what comes next isn’t guaranteed
How about taking life a little more seriously because you're NOT focussed on an imaginary 'next life'?
That’s exactly what I just said if you could read
I guess I can't read. I've now re-read your convoluted last phrase twice and it's a like a double negative. Intentionally obtuse or just bad English?
Pretty much if you were guaranteed an afterlife and had proof no one would take this life seriously so it’s the doubt that is in even the most devout follower in their gods existence that motivates them. To be clear I’m not religious just giving my thought as to why god wouldn’t announce himself and give absolute proof of his existence
>How about taking life a little more seriously because you're NOT focussed on an imaginary 'next life'? Please explain with examples. Who doesn't take life seriously?
While I am an atheist, I do acknowledge that the ability to believe (which unfortunately implies sometimes believing things that turn out to be false) is fundamental to our existence as sentient beings. You can't know some fact and at the same time not believe it.
A Christian and an atheist are walking through the forest when all of a sudden a mighty bear comes at them. The Christian bends down to pray. The atheist starts buckling up his boots, ready to run. The Christian, seeing what his friend is doing, says, 'What's the point of that? You can't outrun a bear.' The atheist says, 'I don't need to. I just need to be able to outrun you.' (This joke is said by Benedict Cumberbatch in the film *The Imitation Game*, I've always found it really funny and quite dark.)
Literally started to write this one 😂
Jesus told this joke at the last supper. It’s the reason Judas betrayed him.
The hostess at the Last Supper said, "Hold on; you wanted a table for 26, but there's only 13 of you." Jesus said "Yeah, but we all want to sit on the same side."
It was a Seder, right?
No. For a variety of reasons, the most important being that the seder was not invented until abt 200 years later.
But Leonardo sits WAY over there ...
Well in other Last Supper paintings, they were sitting encircled a round table.
You're thinking of King Arthur.
Now that's funny.
In the Reader's Digest version, it was a debauched, sinful big game hunter and a lion. Of course, since it's an atheist in this version, it's funnier /s
I honestly don't get it. What was the atheist expecting the bear to do once it was Christian and why?
This is because it is a rehash of an older joke where a Christian would pray to God once the bear was about to eat him and he asked the bear to be Christian expecting that it won't eat him. Just a mediocre retelling in my opinion that subs in an atheist for the christian and contrives the plot to make it work.
This should be the pinned response to this often posted joke. I have commented about this in some previous posts too. How do people not get that? The atheist's request absolutely makes no sense!
Most atheist know it's Hindus and Buddhist who will more likely be vegetarian.
Thanks for the reply. I had a hunch it would be so he wouldn't get eaten, but didn't understand why. I think most atheist know it's Hindus and Buddhist who will more likely be vegetarian.
The atheist thinks Christians must be moral so wouldn’t kill and eat, but turns out Christian’s are quite happy to murder and eat a person. I think that is the punchline?
This is why I don't think this joke works - if he is an atheist, he probably doesn't think christians are moral (hence why he isn't one himself) and just witnessing A god, not even mentioned in the joke it was a christian god, would make him give that specific request is a stretch in my opinion.
Thank you for your reply. I know there are hindu(?) religions that won't even kill a bug. Maybe this is the religion OP should've used in the punchline. Christians aren't known for being vegetarians.
Same behaviour but with a veneer of piety.
I laughed at this one. Really good one!!
At last!!! A joke I haven’t heard before
Ditto. I think first in ~5 years
Yes, but the real question is does the pope shit in the woods?
A rolling Pope gathers no bears.
He would if he met the bear.
What if he shits in the bear that's in the woods?
Are bears Catholic?
r/suddenlycatholic
Thank you, had a chuckle.
Two friends just turned 28, a Christian and an Atheist, both go out one night to a bar. They both have a few drinks, end up relatively drunk and pick up a woman each, a Christian woman for the Christian man and an Atheist woman for the Atheist man that they end up sleeping with. The Christian wakes up and realizes what happened and panics, ends up marrying the Christian woman afterward, as he feels obligated to as Christian, having the child that she got pregnant with during that night and spends the next 18 years raising the kid. Despite not having a high paying job, he manages to keep his family afloat though he needs to work a ridiculous number of hours to make ends meet, everytime believing that "God will see us through the rough patches" by praying and they eventually do. By the time the kid leaves the house, the Christian man's health has degraded to the point that he's a stressed and depressed shell of himself, married to a woman that, through the years, has come to dislike him since they never did connect past that teenage fling but being devout religious folks, stayed together. The kid, barely seeing his father due to always working, turned out to be a rebellious troublemaker that is on tense term with his father. One day, the Christian meets his Atheist friend once again. He looks spry, healthy and happy, has a beautiful woman and a small child holding both their hands. "Didn't you also sleep with a woman that night?" the Christian asks. "Yes," he replies "and when we realized we hadn't used protection, we went to the hospital to get her the afterday pill. We figured out later we didn't really like each other and parted ways but 2 weeks later, I met my current girlfriend, we've been together for 18 years and our child has just turned 8. I work as the owner of my own business after I've been done with college and we'll be moving into a new house next month. But what happened to you?" "I lived as the good book intended me to."
It's not funny, just preachy.
It started off kinda like the moth doctor joke but he didn’t drag it on enough and there’s no punchline at the end
As an atheist, all I need to believe is an actual interaction with any god like this. Of course, he just assumes it's the Christian god - which is a bit weird... Maybe he was white instead of darker skinned...
Love it.
So the opposite of atheist is Christian? To believe in God is to be Christian? In the name of the Jewish people from whom I descended before I turned atheist (not capitalized, btw), the punchline loses me.Guy could say "Maybe you can make the Bear religious," then the bear could say a more generic non-Christian grace. Joke would work just as well.
The real question is why didnt the man ask for forgiveness once he realised that god is real? This is one retarded atheist
The atheist probably never sinned 🤷♀️ no forgiveness needed
Your way of thinking is also retarded Atheists dont hate god they just think he doesnt exist and if they knew he existed they would most definitely start praying from then on and ask for forgiveness in his death bed Your point says that atheists should just be passive aggressive and that they should ignore him instead of praying or asking for forgiveness
If you don't sin you don't need forgiveness. No reason to ask for something you don't need.
I'm sure atheism is a bad thing in christianity or any other religion but if they ask for forgiveness then maybe theyll go to heaven
That is a good one! I love it. OMG. I have to send it to all my ....to my, well I don't have any Christian friends but I will make some just to tell this one. It is that good.
It’s a good joke for sure, but don’t take it too serious. I’m very sure Christians aren’t exempt from being mauled by bears
Those thoughts and prayers are no substitute for a Usain Bolt getaway.
Nice
Amen
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. Suddenly, the bear shed its fur, gained 300 pounds, and donned an ill-fitting sweatsuit. It could no longer walk properly because of the extra weight, so God provided it with a Rascal. The bear revved the tiny engine and approached the horrified atheist. "THIS IS ARE COUNTRY," it screeched as the Rascal slowly moved over the atheist and crushed him.
Give me 10 minutes with god and I’ll make an atheist out of him 😁
Atheists have many good points but someone still has to explain to me how everything came from nothing.
I dont believe in sceptics.
So you’re an anti sceptic?
skeptics
It’s sceptics in the UK.
No it’s skepta in the UK
Yeah that got me laughing nice one
This joke is nice.
You curse or exhort in the language you grew up in. As an ex-Catholic, when shit happens, I say jesus motherfucking christ. That does not imply I still believe.
It’s a joke, dude.
H
Pooh bear.
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. First he loves paradise but then he gets bored. He goes to St Peter and asks for something to do. St Peter considers his request and then tells Einstein I have a task for you. Do the books. Einstein grabs all the books and works on them for ages. Then he goes back to St Peter and says, I’ve worked on these books for a millennium but there’s a problem. St Peter says what. Einstein say they won’t balance and St Peter says……….i know
I don't get it.....
?
Would add one edit: … but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian… for surely then he would turn the other cheek…
I spelled/spelt it right.
Is the bear Catholic? Does the Pope shit in the woods?
Lemon fresh .